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BeStrongBeHappy

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  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    People diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) can relive traumatic events and repeat negative behavior patterns in an attempt to gain control of the experience (i.e., they keep repeating something bad/dangerous because of a warped attempt to de-sensitize themselves to it and feel they now control the situation and emotions). having said that though, there are LOTS of people who don't have PSTD, who are just jerks or abusers who will use any excuse they can think up to justify their own behavior, and to provide a excuse for why they have behaved badly, when they really have no excuse... so if you are involved with someone who is abusive, for any reason, you need to INSIST on them getting therapy at a minimum for that person, to diagnose any potential problems and learn anger management. but if the person is violent, first get yourself to a safe place, then talk to people about the abuse...
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    hmmm... a 'have her cake and eat it too situation'... this has gone on long enough, and she needs to choose rather than keep stringing two guys along. not fair to you or him. i think the thing to do is tell her you know you are confusing her, so she needs some time to think about what you mean to her, and whether she sees a future for you without her boyfriend in it.. so tell her to call you when and if she decides to break up with her boyfriend and be with you. and that you don't want to hear from her until she does decide, then step out of her life and see if she steps into yours. if she does, good for you, if she doesn't, good for you too, because you're not stuck in limbo forever while this girl is having fun with two guys... you deserve to be with a girl who IS your girl, not somebody else's girl, and you get stuffed around the edges of her life...
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    Without all the details, it sounds like she thinks because you are home all day you should be acting like a housewife... but if you are working from home, that is no different than a job outside the home, and if she is only working 2 days a week, then she certainly should not expect you to be the only housekeeper... Is there a possibility she is just using you as a mealticket/housekeeper? by that i mean, who is paying for most of the expenses for her and her son? I think you need to speak up and ask to be treated with respect if she is yelling at you and unfairly demanding you do all the chores... and those chores should be evenly split and understood so you are both not in conflict over them...
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    there are plenty of people who can't stand to be alone, so take up with whomever is available, then drift into a new relationship while still in an older relationship they are not totally happy with... this type of person engages in 'hollow' commitment, where they aren't really basing the connection on the other person on whether they are appropriate or not, just a deeper need to always have someone around, though they aren't committed to that person, just the need to have a partner... so really, needs to be with NEITHER person until she is able to stand alone and make better choices of partners that is not driven by loneliness, but i doubt she will do that... you could suggest she go on break from her current boyfriend to date the other guy for a while to see which she likes better. but in all fairness to her current boyfriend, she should not be 'shopping' for her next boyfriend while still wtih this one... people like this rarely change, and end up breaking a lot of hearts and never finding someone who is really right for them becuase they just play a continual game of musical chairs...
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    I think you need to really talk with her from the standpoint that maybe the problem is she is just being really cautious... when one is older and been through divorces etc., there can be worries that surface about what would happen if they made another big commitment and the horror of divorce happened again... so i think you are right in that you both need to lighten up after two months... maybe talk about it and say, look, there is not rush to get married or make a huge commitment right now, let's just see how it goes... maybe something happened in those 2 weeks that triggered a fear in her, so give it time to settle down... but if she continuously waffles over the next year, then i think you might say to her that you need a break, and see whether she really misses you and realizes her fears are unfounded (or maybe correct)... it's hard to tell at this stage...
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    you guys are focusing a lot on looks of your exes, which could be part of the problem... you were looking for someone to fill a particular role/image in your head, and when the real girl (all of her, personality, attitudes, etc.) didn't fit well with you, when you break up, you go back to idealizing the looks of the girl and forgetting that you really date the whole package, and sometimes the whole package just doesn't work out... jealousy is a primitive emotion too, but you have to realize there are a million guys out there, good looking for otherwise, and if she wants to choose one, and someone other than you, she will do it... the fact that you are focusing on his looks and her looks makes me think you need to do some work there, i.e., focus on why you are putting such a priority there, rather than finding a girl that really is someone you are totally compatible with, and not just focusing on surface traits... can you change the time of church you go to (i.e., go to a different service than the one she normally attends)? most churches have more than one service a week, and going to a different one where you don't see her and dredge up your feelings again might be helpful for you...
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds to me like she got out of the house and had to take care of herself for a while, and wanted to come back to the 'security' of your house... but really, she is giving mixed signals, which isn't fair to you. sounds like she is just expecting you to take care of her while the wanders around... i think you are absolutely on the right track about going about your business getting a new life, new clothes, etc. hopefully the house will sell this spring and you can really get on with your life... she needs to grow up and realize what taking care of herself really means, and you need to be free of someone using you as a meal ticket!
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    You can also do some volunteer work on weekends where you will meet people... what are your interests? hospital, library, working with kids on sports clubs, animal rescue organizations... you can check you local paper and city/county website and they usually have a list of organizations that need volunteers. choose somethere where you would interact with people as part of your volunteer work...
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    when you enter the arena of alternative therapies, there are tons of people with absolutely no medical training at all, no education, nothing except a desire to make money off of people. some may be licensed doctors, but most are not. other can have licensed degrees in nutrition, and others do not... so the odds are very high when choosing one that you will get nothing for your money, and hopefully they won't harm you with herbs/chemicals that can have serious side effects, just like other controlled drugs do... so please be very careful when selecting one, since many many of them are basically con artists after your money...
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think unfortunately when everyone talks to everyone about this, a whole bunch of people are going to be mad. and probably mad at you... honestly, making out with 2 girls in one night, when they are best friends is not really a wise move... first thing they'll do is tell each other. so for this to work out for you (i.e., you end up with Girl B which seems to be what you want), she has to ditch her best friend, and you have to ditch your best friend and roommate. and it's going to be really uncomfortable around your place til you get a new roommate. so is Girl B worth it, and worth losing your friend over? Girl B may never have wanted to be with your friend regardless of what he wants, but it is really tough when your best friend moves in on your crush. he will most likely feel betrayed, at least until he gets another girlfriend of his own and doesn't care about her anymore. anyway, i think you really need to decide what you want to do here, and might owe some people some apologies, of the kind, 'what was i thinking????'
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think if he's just after sex, you'll start to see a pattern... he will try to spend as little time outside bed with you as possible... he could start showing up later and later in the evening, so there's little time for anything but sex... he could also show up at other times, initiate sex, then find an excuse to leave right away... he'll also be unavailable a lot of the time, i.e., not take your calls when you do call, call you back much later (ie., next day or days later) and not even return all your calls or texts. he could also start having reasons to miss important 'couples' time with you, like not being with you on holidays, your birthday, etc. doing things that try to discourage you from thinking you have any 'claim' on him or his time... he can also become increasingly selfish in bed, just after his own pleasure and not yours... in other words, he wants to take, but not really give... look for his actions more than his words, becuase selfish people frequently learn how to manipulate other people with words to get what they want...
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    hmmm... that sounds like he is being very selfish... getting his needs met, and ignoring yours... some men actually prefer bj's to intercourse, or they like the variety (i.e., some girls won't do them, others will, so if their girlfriend won't they go look elsewhere for one)... so i'd say, yeah, you are having sex, or should i say HE is getting what he wants, without returning the favor.. so i'd worry as much or more than about the cheating angle at this point, but more about the 'selfish' and 'user' angle.... big red flags! if you really like him, then i'd suggest he'd better hurry and up with making it 'something special' for you, and stop the bj's until you see whether he's just using you for those or not...
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    if it were me, i'd just let it go for a few days and see if he calls... you can always get the guitar later... i think if both of you jumped into a bit more intimacy than you planned on what was not really even a planned date (especially if drinking was involved), then you might want to let him digest it for while and see if he does call you back... maybe it was just a hookup, or maybe he does like you enough to want to date you, but doesn't want to rush things. so i'd just wait a few days and see what happens... if he doesn't call you then, you could then call him next week about going for the guitar next weekend, but i would also use the next time you speak to him as an opportunity to see whether he is just pretending like it never happened (i.e., a hookup that he's not interested in pursuing farther)... you can always take it back to being friends again and consider it just getting carried away from too much drinking, unless you really want to date him, in which case you might discuss it with him next time he calls...
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    maybe you could visit a counselor to learn how to deal with this... if he were here, i would definitely suggest counseling, because he was really crossing the line into dangerous territory... lots of affairs start as emotional affairs, then move into physical affairs when the opportunity arises... i think he needs to turn to you for emotional support as his wife, and NOT bond with other women that deeply, especially an ex fiancee/girlfriend... so i think if you have made it very clear that there should be NO contact between them ever again, and work on trying to build more intimacy with him, then you could be able to move past this...
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    actually, suicide rates are HIGHER in families where there has already been one suicide... and she sounds like she is very depressed and needs help after her brother's death... sometimes they feel incredibly guilty about the suicide, and start to feel like they want to join their lost loved one, and can see suicide as a solution to their problems, taking the same path as the loved one. so PLEASE take this seriously... at best she is seriously depressed if her grades are dropping so much, and needs to get to a doctor to get treated... she may need anti-depressants, or grief counseling. please offer to take her, or go with her to the Dr.
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think when one breaks up with someone and is not happy with it, it is easy to try to use any situation as a reason to contact him... frozen pipes are bad news, BUT he is not with you anymore, and will most likely not want to take care of you anymore, and even be angry that you are expecting him to... pipes will unfreeze when it warms up, or you can use a hair dryer on them... but please call a plumber and ask them what you should do, they know the best things to do... it is hard, but you will have to learn to deal with things without his help if he is not coming back...
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    btw, lots of people at your age do drink every weekend etc., but not all of them 'snap out of it', and the highest number of auto accidents are young men under 25, drinking and driving etc. so this drinking could totally ruin his life (and yours) if he has an accident where he kills himself or others, or seriously injures himself or others, and ends up in jail with a criminal record. so having fun and going out is normal, but it is a question of degree, frequency, and whether the drinking wrecks his judgement so badly that he does things like drunk driving... and he has not admitted to cheating on your with other women, but if drinking can cloud his judgement so badly he sneaks off and lies about it, and drives drunk, it could also lead to drunken bouts of cheating with other drunk women he meets in bars... he most likely would not confess that either, becuase most men know they will get dumped if they do... please be careful, and try to help him... it sounds like this was an attempt to reach out to you on his part, that he knows he has a problem, is ashamed, and needs help from you to help him break this cycle... so don't downplay it too much, becuase it can have serious consequences it you just tell him 'everything is ok' when there are lots of problems there...
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    hmmm.... there are several layers of things going on here... i would be concerned about this from the standpoint that (a) he's been leading a double life, (b) he's been lying about it to you, © he sounds like he has a drinking problem he's been hiding from you (including driving drunk), (d) he seems to be more worried about what his friends think than living his own life with you, and (e) he has some really messed up friends who are trying to make him feel bad for living a normal life with you. so i think you need to approach each of these problems with him, but don't bother talking to him when he's drunk again, make him talk to you when sober, or he may not even remember what you talked about. i think at least he is beginning to recognize that his behavior is not appropriate, so that is a start. but some of his 'confession' doesn't ring quite true.. could he actually be cheating on you with some of the women he is meeting on his secret midnight rambles with his buddies? this is a LOT of lying and deception going on, that is the part that is disturbing... being a bit influenced by his friends' attitudes is normal at 22, but doing some serious sneaking around behind your back and lying about it is NOT something you should ignore... you need to have lots of talks with him, and deal with this directly. i think he really needs to immediately stop going out with them, and probably stop drinking too, if that is leading him into all this bad behavior...
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    wait to see if he shows up at the appt. with the counselor first... but really, someone who is just a 'friend' with your husband, should have no trouble with him talking to her in front of you... if he is hiding this, then he is hiding something (maybe only emotions, not an affair) from you, and that is NOT good for a marriage... it sounds like he is trying to force you into accepting that he should be able to do anything he wants to do, even having private relationships (emotional or otherwise) with another woman or else he calls a lawyer.. that should NOT be what he does, he shoudl be trying to work something out that is comfortable for both of you... so see if he is serious about working with you (with a counselor), but if it is just emotional blackmail (i.e., you should let him do anything he wants, or he calls a lawyer), then he is being totally selfish... i am sorry to hear this, it is hard for you, BUT he needs to negotiate with you on what makes BOTH of you happy and secure in a marriage... so see if he is willing to do this, and only if he is not, then maybe you are doomed... but if he is willing to try to work it out with a counselor, then proceed from there... best of luck, i hope it works out for you... but if he is totally self interested, don't blame yourself... go to a counselor to see what is right for you (if he refuses to go with you)...
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, translate this in your mind... would you be comfortable if she was behaving like this with another guy, in front of you?? bisexual vs. straight, doesn't really matter... how much sexual activity with someone else are you comfortable with as far as your girlfriend is concerned? do you expect fidelity between the two of you, or sexual activity with other people? decide how much exclusiveness you need, and if she is sleeping with someone else (regardless of sex), is this OK with you? if not, find someone else... don't let the gender of whom she is having sex with confuse you... fidelity is important to you or not... use that as your guide to deciding what you need to do here...
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    hey, please recognize that everyone has some really hard times, and please don't blame yourself or think it is hopeless... everyone has jobs sometimes that are awful, or you lose a job or can't find a job and think you will never get another or better job... i spent forever looking for a job after i moved to a new town to try to find better work, and the job i had evaporated when the company lost a big contract... i looked and looked, and thought i would NEVER find a job and was getting really depressed and desperate, then all of a sudden, i got a job when i didn't really expect it, and things got better, though i thought i was doomed to NEVER find a job... and please think about how much harder life would be for the person you care about most if you quit trying and hurt yourself... he doesn't deserve to feel that guilt or loss in addition to whatever work problems he is experiencing right now... please do some web surfing to look for social services in your area that can provide you with financial and job support, and for any state job or assitance services too... there are some organizations like St. Vincent de Paul who will help out with emergency situation, and other state resources to help you through a bad time and help you find a job... so please don't blame yourself, just sit down with the one you love and try to write out a plan to help you get to a better place when you can, and take advantage of any employment agency or social services that offer help for you right now. there are also suicide help lines with people to talk to you 24x7, so please call them if you feel really down.
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    It is much better to look for a job while having a job... you have more leverage, i.e., the new job won't make you a lowball offer because they think you are desparate for a new job, but a better offer to lure you away from your old job to your new job... there are all kinds of online job boards where you can post your resume and submit for jobs you see there, or respond to jobs in the local paper... but best to do that from your home account rather than work... give them your cellphone number though, not your work number... and try to get a phone interview before an actual one, where you both talk and decide whether you should take time off for an interview... try to schedule a phone interview at lunch or on your cell phone, where you can take a break and sit in your car or go outside the building to talk to them for the phone interview... then if it looks like a good opportunity and you both like each other, try to schedule an interview first thing in the morning or in the afternoon, and leave work early that day or come in late... either take leave time, or plead a dentist or doctor appt. or plumber appt. (yeah, not the best to fake it, but if your job gives you no time off, you have to do what you have to do...) best of luck... everyone deserves a job with a future, and if your not happy, no reason to hang around... no job is perfect, but there's always another job, that probably pays better too! make sure to negotiate a good increase, but then, if it's a great job, and you hate where you are, then take the pay you think is fair and the better opportunity...
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    Excellent!! congratulations on your beautiful new son! your ex is just showing his true colors yet again... you were having a BABY for crying out loud, and he couldn't think about your comfort for one minute?? he and his mother sound totally obnoxious, so please listen to people telling you about your rights and make sure you protect yourself and your son... and don't listen to him about 'loving' you, someone who loves you doesn't treat you like that... best of luck and enjoy your son... i think once you recover from the physical stress of birth, you will find your strength again, and apply it to being a good mother to your son, and realizing you need to do what it takes to take care of your baby!
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    It sounds like he doesn't want this child... he would find some way to find the money, and certainly not just spring it on you at the last minute... i would have a serious talk with him about what his commitment is to you and the baby... especially if it is going to be a difficult pregnancy, you need medical attention. try to quit smoking, but if you are having a really hard time, at least cut back to maybe 3 a day, something your body might be able to process better than a fullblown smoking habit... the less you smoke the better, so cut back some every day, til you're down to nothing... re: keeping the baby or not, are you prepared to be a mother and to support this child, and if not, could you get sufficient support from your boyfriend, legally? (i.e., child support order that he will pay). And do you really want to be a mother, and have a support system of other people to help you? There are lots of single mothers these days who do fine, but you also have to consider whether you are in a position to care for a child or not... Adoption is an option of course, but you need to work through everything in your head before deciding. it is also the toughest decision, so please try to talk it out with your boyfriend and those who care about you. but really if he is not committed enough to you to see you thru a pregnancy, then regardless of your decision about the baby, i would consider breaking up with him and moving on with your life and careers plans...
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    i feel that same way about rejecting someone... just shows you are a nice person who wants to be considerate of other people's feelings... i think it is best you tell him since you work with him and don't want him to feel weird about it (or you either)... especially if you think he might be shy or feeling rejected (or you too guilty)... you could casually say sometime, 'you know that was really nice of you to ask me to do X with you... but i was on a break with my boyfriend and didn't feel right about it until i knew for sure if we were breaking up or not, and we did get back together...' then just change the subject and talk about something pleasant... he may be a little disappointed, but might be better for his ego... unless he is a really confident guy, in which case, just wait to see if he asks you out again, and then tell him you're back with your boyfriend, but thanks.
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