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About Me

  1. I think most of us could use some emotional support through the pandemic. To be clear this is SUPPORT , criticism and blaming is not needed. I know some us out here are high risk or normal risk. If you need a warm fuzzy today, I love you ❤️ Virtual hug.
  2. Hello, Recently I have noticed patterns of irritability and anger. I try to control it, but each time I fail. Yesterday, I lashed out at a woman at the Drivers License center because she was very rude to me. I was so upset afterwards and cried in my car because I’ve never stuck up for myself like that. Although I did that, I let it get to me the rest of the day. There’s other situations where I feel angry and I want to blow up, so I go into a quiet place to cool down and take deep breaths. I do consider myself to be communicative, but sometimes I feel like I am not heard when I express myself, which is probably why I feel angry. I have noticed that some situations in the past have made me an angry person. I didn’t always use to be this way. I was always the nice person, but I’m now the complete opposite and have a zero tolerance/patience level. My anxiety has worsen and I let the small things get to me. I want to know if anyone is going through this and if you can give me any helpful tips to control my anger? Thank you.
  3. My ex and I had been together for 10 months now. Early, he used to spend time with me, we used to talk often, laugh, have fun. He made me his world. After 4 months or so he started getting distant and stopped spending time with me. When I confronted him, he said that he thought I was using him and that his sister said I was using my past as a way to gain sympathy and love ( I had been through an abusive relationship a couple of years ago) He added he didn't fall for all that but due to cultural and religious differences he thought this was the best excuse to push me away. Drama happened we cried, talked things out and every thing went back to normal for a while. Again he started pulling back, being indifferent, preferring his friends over me. I had no idea why. But he said he was depressed and that I wasn't being supportive by complaining all the time that he wasn't as talkative and loving as before. I often felt hurt and started to get insecure about our relationship and I would get emotional over little things. He explicitly stated that his female friends held precedence over me especially one friend who he says he like a sister because he knows them longer than me. I felt upset and said that I was not his priority. He got all defensive that he didn't mean it like that. "Just because I prefer pizza over pancakes. Doesn't mean I hate pancakes." His blame shifted to me, that I am the reason he was getting indifferent because I wouldn't stop creating drama. His opinion was that I was making a mountain of a mole hill over petty issues. I don't think cancelling our date three times..or not being there for me when I have a bad day was too trivial. However considering that he was feeling overwhelmed and hurt by all the pressure I was seemingly putting on him. I promised I will try to change that. Later he asked for a break, but insisted he wanted to keep talking and hanging out with me. It was really strange that he was more at ease when on a break than otherwise. He stated that my expectations were high in this relationship and he can't keep up with them so he needs space to figure it out. He felt he was becoming numb. But we will be going on date on my birthday and that I was important to him. He still cares for me. My birthday came, he texted me a happy birthday. I asked if he would call. He simply said..no because I will get the wrong idea. I got a bit upset. I asked if the date was still on and he says "Its unlikely that will happen". I panicked and asked I wanted to talk what was going on. But he kept ignoring me the entire evening and went off to play video games. I got furious, I had held resentment from the past few months and I left a voicemail crying that I am tired of his indifference and lack of empathy. I felt unimportant and didn't hold much value in his life. And he doesn't message or talk to me again". At night he responds saying that I am only hurting myself in all this and making him responsible for hurting me. He broke up with me. After a few days we talked over the phone. He said he didn't know whether he wanted me in his life anymore. I created too much drama. I should have accepted the fact that he remembered my birthday and texted me. About the date, he said he "became " and forgot about it completely and that he was sorry, he doesn't us spending good time together. "You are not good enough"...that's what he exactly said. He was in fact paranoid and scared of meeting me. We decided to give each other space for a couple of weeks. His friend told how he had taken off a week from work since he was so upset. Later when I talked with my ex again, he stated he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I proposed maybe we should talk things through and spend some time together and see how it goes. He repeated the same thing that he was sorry but he thinks he will never have feelings for me again. Then he said he wasn't good enough for me. Some things in the past turned him off. His reasons were that it was both his and my fault for him losing his feelings. He sarcastically added that I could have a second shot at the relationship if I could reverse time. He wants to be friends though. I told I had still feelings and can't be friends right now. And have gone NC since then. I just don't understand what did I do wrong? All I ever asked was to be treated with love and respect and suddenly that is "high expectations". I wanted us back together and work things out. But I guess I hurt him too much and he doesn't love me anymore. How can he just lose feelings, in a couple of weeks and say he can never have them again? I feel guilty and sad. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. Any advice on this situation?
  4. Hi all. This is my dating journal! So by way of quick introductions, I'm male, mid 30's and (obviously) single! My relationship history is fairly limited – I had a 3 year relationship in my early 20's with a girl who I liked but, with hindsight, I was never in love with. It was simply my first relationship and I knew no better at the time. Since then, the longest I've seen anyone for is 5-6 months, which has happened twice – the first when I was 25 and the second when I was 33. Both these girls, I had crazy strong feelings for that unfortunately weren't fully reciprocated and both ended with me totally heartbroken. But other than that, it's just been 1 month / 2 month things. But anyway, I am keen to meet someone. Ultimately I'd like to meet the love of my life but I feel in the short term, I just want to enjoy dating and see where things go. A big weakness of mine that I've discussed in this thread here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560989 is that if I like someone, I can get much too emotionally invested too early rather than just being in the moment. I can also get too disheartened by flakiness / lack of responses / unsuccessful dates. One of my big focuses in writing this journal will be to keep reminding myself that most people are not our match. That conversations fizzling out / no 2nd date / no connection will be what happens with most people and just to accept this as par for the course rather than becoming too frustrated and disheartened. Finally, what are my motivations for writing this journal rather than keep it all to myself? Firstly, to hopefully get advice and encouragement from others. Secondly, for others to read and maybe take something from, both good and bad Thirdly, to read back in 5 or 10 years and hopefully have a really good laugh at! I'll chronicle this weekend's dating adventures in the next post.........
  5. My ex and I were together 7 years. We started drifting apart and we broke up about 3 and a half months ago. She claimed I didn't make her feel important and I didn't validate her feelings and we were on different levels in life. I've come to realize I could've done a lot differently and the future I wanted with her. I reached out a couple times within the first month and a half but went into no contact after she kept ignoring me and blocked me on social media. She recently unblocked me at the three month breakup point, I'm assuming out of curiosity but then blocked me again. I didn't say anything and acted like I didnt notice Anyways, I don't know what to do I want to talk to her but she still hasn't reached out to me. I have a swearing in ceremony in a few days for a new job and I'd like her to go but at the same time I'm like you knew I was hurting and you abandoned me and now I'm going to reach out to you and ask you to be with me at my first accomplishment in life since being without you. I just don't want to look back and say I wish I would've invited her or by not inviting her I made her feel even less important. I'm always thinking when should I reach out and try to initiate contact but I never do. I'm tired of feeling this way but scared I'll lose her if I wait too long and I don't at some point try to spark her feelings.
  6. my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 10 months now and we’re both second year college students. our relationship would often consists of fights because of my attitude towards him or how i act, i admit that im sometimes immature when it comes to being demanding and sometimes cant be understanding towards my partner, but i feel like im always too criticized by my boyfriend. In our friend group he is always known to be very direct and straight to the point, so its no different that he applies that too in the relationship which is no problem for me. But lately its been different for me. In relationships its normal to be open with one another when it comes to their problems, we rant or become vulnerable with each other. I would often open up about my issues to my bf, issues about my social anxiety back in high school and stuff or about my past relationships, of course after hearing those from me he would try and comfort me. But Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me and completely forgot the fact that he comforted me about those things. He would always do this in our arguments that it deeply hurts me, it makes me want to show him that most people would kill just to see their partner be vocal about their feelings. There are often times where i get stressed or sad about something and the first thing i think about is to tell about them to my boyfriend, but now i’d just be so frustrated with my self because I know I cant really do that anymore towards my boyfriend, it frustrates me because i know wouldnt feel great venting things to him because I know he wouldnt comfort me or maybe he’ll just use my experience against me again. I do plan on opening this up to him but I fear that it may lead to a fight or he might correct me again and again because there might be something wrong with that im adressing. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to not be too firm on me and I would want to be free enough to share my feelings to him without the fear of being judged.
  7. I (27, nb) have gone through a lot of big changes this past year. Ive found something I am extremely passionate about, good at and has helped grow my confidence immensely as a person. I also ended up meeting someone (27, m) a little over a year ago and fell madly in love with them. They currently live halfway across the country from me. I have struggled a LOT with being able to balance my passion and having an LDR but when we would visit eachother it felt so perfect. Ive been through a string of awful abusive relationships ever since I started dating and have a lot of familial trauma. I for the first time not only was with someone who made me feel safe, treated me well and felt like they genuinely loved and cared about me, I also felt for the first time in my life a desire to have a family and potential child. I cant imagine having that with anyone else. He has 1 child currently and we started dating while he was still going through a rough breakup with the mother of his child who was extremely manipulative and abusive toward him. I helped him heal from that relationship and he told me time and time again how much he has learned to trust and communicate and be happy again, how he has also never been treated so well and wants a family and to spend the rest of his life with me. He came up with the idea of wanting to take his daughter and move out here and we talked about it for months. He is the primary caregiver of his daughter who is 3, and helped raise a child the mother had from a different man who is 5. The mother takes care of the 5 year old. It became increasingly difficult to balance my extremely busy and draining schedule with an LDR and I got frustrated with how it didnt really seem he was making any steps to come out here despite saying he wanted to. He talked about it with the mother a couple times with varying responses and then talked to her a third time and she said no she is not comfortable so he asked me if I would be willing to move with him. I said no and was frustrated because I have a lot going on here and a lot of ties and responsibilities regarding my passion we ended up talking less and less until finally I said I dont think I could do it anymore and didnt want to put him through anymore stress and not getting the attention he deserves. He agreed and we "broke up" but still clearly had feelings for eachother and would go between not talking and talking again and feeling like nothing had changed. Eventually, about a couple weeks ago, he talked to me about how he had started having feelings for his childs mother again that he thought might be reciprocated (she just dumped the guy she left him for) and that hit me hard. I ended up crying and we talked on the phone for hours about how we still love eachother and it felt like we might work things out. A week or so goes by and I get extremely busy again and dont talk much. He messaged me a few times and I didnt respond due to mental and physical exhaustion (he knows what I do is a lot) and finally while im out in the middle of something he texts me again about his confused feelings. I end up saying "I dont want to hold you back go be with her" essentially being very emotionally overwhelmed. I regret that and later ask if we can talk on the phone. He says hell try to call me later but it doesnt happen. Fast forward to this saturday, we hadn't talked since then and I go through something incredibly ed up and traumatizing. I witnessed a shooting and man dying out on the street and it sent me over the edge. I spent a day completely numb and then the next night I let it all out. I have a breakdown and cry for hours thinking about how that could have been me and the trauma of the past year and what ive been doing catches up to me and I realize I cant keep going like this. I want a family. I NEED a family. And I still love him. I text him I miss you while extremely upset. I need to talk to my best friend and my love and get comfort and tell him my outpouring of emotions. He responds with "I miss you too... But I should let you know I talked with childsmother and we both agreed to try things out again slowly and see where it goes." That sent me over the edge and I asked him to call me because I was hyperventilating at some point. He did and didnt really know what to say and just made sure I could calm down a little and not have an asthma attack. He said "I know youre going through a lot recently" and I said "I dont want it anymore I just watched someone die!" He I guess had unfollowed me on FB to get over me and had no idea that had happened till I said that... He had to take care of his daughter and I felt like so I let him go. We ended up texting more and I explained to him how much that ed me up especially him not telling me until I am in a LOT of pain even though he didnt know at the time. We ended up talking more and I basically told him that when I texted him "I miss you" I was going to tell him I want to be with him and Id be willing to sacrifice my life here to do that. I dont have a lot tying me here and I can continue my passion where he is. He had no idea of course and now its this ed up situation where I feel like a homewrecking piece of and he's confused again. I asked to talk on the phone one more time because I NEED to get this off my chest. If he is done with this I will respect that but I need to tell him how im feeling and why. I need to know if theres a chance. I want a family with him. In afraid now because of my own dumb inaction and inability to process my emotions due to constant stress and mental illness that chance is gone. What would you do? How would you approach this? How wrong am I for pursuing this? TLDR my LDR partner and I broke up due to unfortunate circumstances despite still loving eachother very deeply and I recently had an intense moment of clarity and am willing to sacrifice moving to him and make it work but he has now initiated a relationship with his ex who is the mother of his child
  8. I (24F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for three years and I absolutely love him to bits. We met whilst I was at university working in retail. I have now moved onto train to become an accountant whilst he still works there. When the first lockdown was imposed in March he was placed on furlough whilst I had to Work from Home. I noticed at the time that his mental health worsened and he seemed down but I put this down to the lockdown and the associated boredom and cabin fever as we only live in a one bed flat. However when it was lifted and he was taken off furlough but his mood didn't really improve very much. We're now in the middle of the second lockdown here in the UK and he is really low again. Also he took on most of the domestic duties whilst I worked in the first lockdown but in the second he insists that he does everything around the house (he's basically acting like he's my domestic servant and won't let me do anything). I decided to broach the subject with him over this weekend . He told me that it's clear seeing me do my job during the lockdowns that he's not good enough for me and that he doesn't know why I don't leave him. He is really down about his job and says that it's clear I'm going to have a career whilst he works in a shop bringing in very little money. He says that I get to speak to people who are a lot more interesting than him and that I will eventually kick him out for someone better. This is not true whatsoever I love him with all my heart and would die for him. He said that he is trying to prove himself useful to try and prolong the time we spend together before I dump him. When the lockdown ends I'm going to take him to the GP to see if there is anything they can do to help him. However clear that he needs a boost in self-worth as he has convinced himself that he is worthless which is the exact opposite and I know that I need to step up to the plate and help him achieve this.
  9. Hi All - keen to get some advice from you wise people. Like everyone else, there is a bit of a story so strap in. Background I am 38 years old and started dating X in August 2018, four months after I ended a four year emotionally abusive relationship. She is an amazing girl and while I knew it at the time, I wasn't ready for what she wanted. Over the next seven months, I broke up with her and got back together three times. I always saw potential with her and with us that I didn't want to let go of, which is why I kept coming back but I just felt emotionally blunt every time I went back and I couldn't give her what she wanted, needed and deserved. Ultimately, I hadn't yet completely processed my previous relationship enough to be ready for her. After that last break up I thought to myself that I just needed a bit more time and then I would be ready for her emotionally. I saw her 2 months later (May, 2019) at a friend's birthday and felt ready to open up to her and tell her I wanted to be 'all in' with her but she told me that she had just started dating someone a few weeks before. This of course made me want her even more - I had realised that I was on the verge of losing the most amazing woman I had ever met and was ready to fight for her. She was not over me either but she saw potential in the new guy too and didn't know what to do, especially as I had continuously let her down for the previous 9 months. There has always been incredible chemistry between us and over the next few months we hooked up a number of times (no sex) while she was still dating the other guy. I am not proud of my role in this and she is not the type of girl who would typically do anything like this to someone else either, but the chemistry was just too hard to ignore - we have always been drawn to each other. During this time, she also sent me intense letters and texts which told of her strong feelings for me and her confusion about how things had played out but she continued to date the other guy. While she was constantly on my mind and I had never wanted anything more, for the most part there was no contact between us between September 2019 and January 1, 2020 when she sent me a Happy New Year text message. Her boyfriend had turned out to be abusive and horrible and upon arriving back from a holiday with him in February 2020, she broke up with him. She said she couldn't stop thinking about me and on February 13 2020, she came to me and said she wanted to give us another shot. All the pain and sleepless nights of the previous nine months seemed to be worth it. Everything was incredible for two months and then out of the blue, she said that she wasn't sure about us. But she wasn't certain if the problem was because of where she was at in her life or if it was a problem between her and I. She broke up with me to try sort it out. Then two weeks later she dropped off a present for my birthday and didn't leave my apartment for four days. It was a truly incredible time and I was the happiest I have ever been. I told her though that I wouldn't take her back unless she was 'all in'. Still unsure, she left my apartment and things were again uncertain. A week later she organised a courier to drop off a massive box with all of my favourite things inside, with a note that expressed everything I had been wanting to hear from her - the most beautiful note about how much she loves me, with the heading "I'M ALL IN." Again, I was on top of the world and things were amazing for two months. I then asked her if she would meet my parents. This turned into a very unexpected, heated conversation which led to her saying that she wasn't ready to meet them and that "she loves me but she is not in love with me". That old chestnut. I was completely blindsided. She said that she thought her feelings should be stronger for me at this stage in her life - she is 31 and very concerned about her body clock. A bit hysterical about it actually. While she said that she didn't know "if we could come back from this conversation" I said to her that given what we had been through and that it had only been a few weeks since we got back together, she needed to give herself more time to explore this. And she agreed. At this point I decided to back off completely and not put any pressure on her. I did not want to be demanding because I thought that perhaps I had been too intense and that with time, she would eventually realise the incredible relationship we have and I wanted her to realise this organically. She was right though - in a self fulfilling prophecy way - we couldn't come back from that earlier conversation and two and half months later (August 31, 2020), she woke up on a Sunday and said again that she thinks her feelings should be stronger than what they are (more below) and she ended it again. I do not believe I was needy at all during these months. I feel that because of her body clock, she has put huge amounts of pressure on herself to "feel what she is supposed to feel" that she pressured herself out of the relationship and never let herself organically grow into the relationship. She went from the bells and whistles of saying she was "ALL IN" to not being sure in a matter of weeks. It's just very confusing to me. Meanwhile, I have never been more certain about anything in my life. What was said during the breakup She said to me that I was her best friend, that I tick all of the boxes and that I was the best boyfriend that she had ever had. But she said that it often felt platonic and at times she felt there was no chemistry. No chemistry!? This was truly alarming to hear because of the chemistry that we had always had and because I have always thought that we have had the best sex I have ever had with anyone (the sex never stopped up until the end). And we get along like a house on fire! We don't fight, provide support for each other and are incredibly compatible. To me everything makes sense and just falls into place. They say "when you know, you know" and after decades of dating the wrong women, I KNOW! We're on the same page about everything (except being together..), have similar interests and we have the same values. I just don't get it! I had noticed that she was not very affectionate in that last two and a half months nor was she vulnerable or open with her feelings but she has always had trouble opening up and I thought that she was just not as affectionate as me and that everything would come in time so I accepted it (and also didn't want to bring it up to rock the boat after our last chat....). On the day that we broke up, she couldn't keep her hands off me. She was crying hysterically, something that is also very out of character for her. And the eyes she looked at me with for that entire day - it was long break up - were definitely not platonic eyes. They were eyes that were full of pain and doubt. She said that she would like to keep in touch but I said very firmly that I didn't want contact if we weren't together and that I needed to move on. What has happened since. There has been no contact since this happened on 31 August. I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I know what I am worth and I am not going to beg her to come back. I know of course that that begging wouldn't work anyway. I just feel that with time away from me without any contact, she will realise what she has lost. Given our history I just don't feel like this is over. It almost feels like this is the last leg in our journey. Am I delusional? I just don't understand what has happened and how she could have lost attraction for me. I wasn't needy, she agrees that I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and that I am her best friend. What is she looking for? Any advice and thought on if this is going to work out or not, would be really appreciated.
  10. I thought I used to be loving and emotionally available. But lately I feel like I changed so much I don't even resemble the person I used to be. I don't know what happened to me. I've been through trauma but I moved on. I find that I don't feel much for the world or people. I try to be a good person, but I don't care emotionally. I don't feel connected and I don't want to be. Is it possible to become emotionally unavailable later in adult life due to life's circumstances? I'm just so disappointed that nothing in my life turned out the way I hoped. I almost became cynical in a way. I see people who have what I wanted and I'm glad for them, I guess they had more luck. Can I fix my current state of mind? Does emotionally unavailability comes from childhood only?
  11. Me and my partner were together on/off for 11 years ,we knew each other previous to that but he was married and i was in a long term relationship which when both ended we got together he moved in and it was good for a few years until i found out he was cheating with someone from work (he worked nights in a hotel) at that time, so he ended it and didnt talk to me for 6 months until one day i bumped into him near where i lived and he said the feelings were still there so we got back together eventually he moved back in but the trust on my part was shattered even though he tried to gain my trust certain things triggered it and we would argue plus we hardly went out and i never met his family or friends even though he met all of mine, outside of that we had a good connection and would talk constantly about anything but last year out of no where he ended it again saying its not going anywhere but this time we remained friends and eventually he started staying over even though we both agreed it would never work as a couple again but after a while i didnt feel good with this situation as i still had feelings plus we were arguing over silly things and 4 weeks ago he said its come to an end and theres no going back this time and throw his stuff away which was at my place and 5 days later he blocked me, he sent me an email a week later saying'' the reason i cut communication was for the best and lets see where we are in a few months and maybe be friends take care'' i do miss the conversations even though hes acted terrible for no apparent reason and the worst part is the blocking as it feels so final...
  12. Hey y’all, i’m a female and i’m currently deployed out in the desert for the next 7 months. With COVID going around, I am restricted to base and they discontinued social gatherings or alcohol consumption. The food sucks, it’s hot outside, i’m missing my family, and every day is like ground hogs day. I feel like i’m getting really sad/angry and it’s only been 6 weeks. My bf is also deployed but he’s in Europe and he’s able to go off base to pubs, explore Europe, and have fun with his friends. With my situation, I feel like it’s causing strain on our relationship a little bit. I get annoyed easily when we’re on the phone and recently when he asked what was wrong, I told him my current situation and he tries to understand but he has no idea the level of suck i’m experiencing and I still have 6 months to go. He says i’m comparing myself too much to his deployment experience. How can I explain to him my feelings? And if anyone has been deployed, is there any advice on staying mentally healthy?
  13. We broke up long ago. The narcissist first chased me , love bombed me , then strung me along for a long time. To where one day , I was dug in and stuck. I never dealt with such manipulation. It was all about him. But he talked me out of my doubt constantly. Then he was done , discarded me and sadly (not proud) I was chasing and begging. He was done , but He always engaged. He always answered. He always responded back and did this emotional dance with me. The longest I went at one point was 1 month no contact before breaking. At some point , we were no longer arguing then but talking calmly. Like friends. Happy, like when we first met. But , he had no interest in getting back together. Using the old “not looking for anything serious”. I had one weak emotional moment and told him I loved him. Then I said I was leaving to go away for the weekend and maybe we would talk when I returned . On a Sunday , there were texts , calls , he was asking if I had returned. Had I eaten ? I agreed to meet him in a park. We didn’t speak of the relationship. We even flirted at the end . I then said I had to leave and left. Of course , he kept sending texts . I guess he thought he was going to get me into bed. That wasn’t going to happen. Emotionally, I’m bankrupt. Bonded to “why wasn’t I enough” to a man I loved. It was only when I found out that he had this pattern even before me that I realized while my reactions were dramatic and awful, I didn’t cause it . He had . His treatment of me had. He ruined birthdays , etc. he has since apologized, but he had the nerve to say “he” can’t get past the past. Early on, I saw evidence he was still looking for other women. I know I should have left then. I know I was wrong. I pray all the time to be healed of this , but it consumes my thoughts every day. I did not respond to his last texts. If he were a real man , he would have ignored me to let me heal. He wouldn’t try and see if he could get me into bed. I have but only to assume that’s why he met me , being he told me he does not want to revisit the relationship. He told he did because he “enjoys my company” what a crock of . I know I gave this man way too much of my life. But why is trauma bond so strong and why does it exist ? I know I have abandonment issues from childhood. I do see a therapist. But it seems no matter what I do .... I’m stuck. How do I get unstuck ?
  14. Today I saw my ex for the first time in a few weeks. We had arranged a councilling appointment to help sort through our break up. Since the break up as the dumpee, I have been working hard to make myself and issues around the relationship better. I've been looking into what I did wrong, working actively to be a better person, learn from my mistakes and be open and honest about those mistakes. I see this as an important process in a break up. Admitting your faults, working on them and becoming a better person not just for yourself but for future relationships. If you don't do this then future relationships will be affected by faults from the past and in all honesty, you can't grow unless you make mistakes and acknowledge them. While I have been doing this, I knew I had to face my ex and the councillors to further progress my recovery. Today the sh*t hit the fan. My ex completely blamed me for our break up. I was open and honest about the roll I played in our break up, but not once did she admit that she played a part in it too. After this, my councillor took me away and said i was strong, honest and she could see I was actively working through my emotions. Every relationship has two people and unless cheating is involved, it's never a one sided thing. As I was leaving, I had to give my ex some things, she hugged me, apologised for how things ended and then we exchanged stuff. She hugged me again, kissed me on the cheek and asked if ill message her I didn't respond, so she said we will give it time and left. Moral of all this, don't convince yourself you're to blame, a relationship is two people, so is a break up. Be honest about what you did to contribute to the break up, but don't expect your ex to do the same. Do what you have to do for yourself, not what you think your ex wants you to do. They broke up with you, they ended things, they are no longer your responsibility. Yes, it's okay to still love them, to have feelings for them. But if you do, you can't be friends. It's only going to prolong your pain. And finally, you never, ever, really know someone. As amazing as they may seem, people change and will often take the easiest road to recovery, instead of facing their fears and doing the right thing.
  15. A little bit of a background. This guy that works at a store I always go to, started kinda of seeing each other. We're not together or anything but he asked if I wanted to hook up from time to time. He said I'm gorgeous and that I'm a good person. We get to talking about random stuff one morning and he mentioned that he gave up on relationships. He said apparently he's not a catch(though I think he is). He talked about how he wants a relationship and the intimacy and companionship but that the closeness might also freak him out because he's been single most of his life and had only a couple relationships so not really experienced. He said relationships are also a lot of work. A couple weeks goes by and I start to catch feelings. I told him so we stopped the hook up thing for a little bit. We've been back at it now for a few weeks since the feelings went away but not sure if they're starting to show up again. Ive never done a fb or fwb before so this is all new to me. But I just wonder why that if I'm so "gorgeous" and such a good person, why wouldn't he give it a shot? I know I should ask him but if I did, the hook ups would probably stop again and I honestly don't want them to. Just need some advice, perspectives, or just some ears to vent. Thank you :)
  16. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for a year. I literally cry everyday, I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel physically sick, and things haven't eased up at all since the breakup. I know that when a breakup happens, you should take it seriously and assume that its over for good. But I am holding on to hope because I love him. This is the first man that I (sort of) lived with. The first man I saw a future with. I wanted more time with him.. Here is our last conversation dated 06/13: Me: So, just to confirm. You're okay with salvaging a friendship.. just as long as we both have a mutual understanding that it's just that and nothing more? Him: Yes we can be friends Me: So there is absolutely no chance for us at all? Him: I don't know. I need time. Me: Okay, I respect that. And honestly, I need time too. But if you feel in your heart that there is no chance, please say that. My love is reserved for you until you say otherwise. Have a good night, take care of yourself Him: You too Before that text message, I called him and we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours. He still has some of my things, we have not yet made arrangements for me to pick them up. I told him that I didn't want things to be done between us, but he assured me that things are in fact over. I told him that we did not exhaust all options, and that maybe time away is a good thing for the both of us. I asked for us to reflect and maybe ease back into things later. He told me that he doesn't see that happening and if it did, it would be in the distant future...I haven't been in contact with him for 19 days. I am willing to correct my downfalls and work on myself so that I can be a different (better) person if I ever get a chance. But if I don't... how long should I wait before I ask if things are final? Here is a little more context: He was emotionally withdrawn. I was full of love. I gave it my all. We were together for a year, in that year, he never told me that he loved me. I asked him why he didn't love me, and he told me it's because he did not feel that strongly for me but he's emotionally slow and feelings for him takes time. My heart shattered. I always felt like his second choice compared to his ex. He was with her for 3 years and wanted to marry her, but she didn't so they walked away from one another. I came into the picture shortly afterwards (about 3 months after). I felt like his heart was somewhere else. And no matter how many times I questioned him, he told me I was not a rebound and the only people who matter in our relationship is us. He told me that he no longer had feelings for her. He "buried" those feelings long ago. Yet he would stay in contact with her. I was extremely self conscious but I tried not to let it bother me.. but it did, and I could not relax in our relationship. I kept wanting to have conversations about our relationship to check if everything was alright, or was there something else I could be doing for us.. but apparently I brought it up so much it bothered him and he started to get annoyed with me. I was trying to make something work, but he was cold at times and when he got cold, I got anxious and irritated, and we would bicker.I am only telling you the bad part of our relationship. We had wonderful and loving times together, but my insecurities weighed heavy.
  17. From few days, I have been getting ill feelings towards every human being. I don't know what is happening to me. People just wanna criticize me. I try to help them but they don't wanna help me. I asked for some advice but only 2 persons helped me. Others just listened to the problem as if they are joining what is happening in my personal life. I feel as if they are so selfish. They just wanna take help but don't wanna help others. Even if they don't have anything to advice,at least words of comfort may help, isn't it? I literally avoid asking for help from people because I don't wanna disturb them but when i do, consider it a serious issue. Next i am tired of being criticized. Even if i help them,they don't take it seriously. They humiliate so much. It's as if they slit your neck into two and say"Oh sorry,sorry.. I didn't mean that." Yet i forgive them even before they ask for it. Please help me. I have so many hardships and i just need words of comfort to be least but they don't understand what one is going through. I can't discuss my problems with anyone, they would consider it a burden ,i am sure. I am tired of keeping them within myself. I don't know what is happening to my heart. It's getting filled with filthy feelings, I don't know what should i do?
  18. He initiated the breakup citing he felt we wanted different things (him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together and we are in our late 30’s!) started fighting everyday about anything and everything. The way he handled it was so messy, one day it’s what he wants and the next day he’s unsure getting mad at me for removing my things from the apartment. Finally we go no contact for months until the quarantine hits and I reach out with a message for his safety telling him explicitly not to contact me if he doesn’t wish to discuss what happened as I felt the decision to breakup was so wishy washy without proper conversation to which HOURS LATER he replies back ignoring my instruction, filling me in on his life but not addressing the breakup either. I get pissed and confront him essentially we go back and forth where he tells me he has been avoiding processing the breakup feelings throwing himself into work and he knows how unhealthy that is but that it is too painful to process(too painful to process? It had been 6 months at this point!) that he will always love me and he also adds that he doesn’t want to “Get my hopes up” but that he hopes we can talk without hurt feelings at some point (I interpret this to mean he wants to talk but doesn’t want to deal with my emotions as I’m a very fiery personality, he’s told me several times my intense emotions make him want to run). He begs me not to get into it ‘right now’ I tell him that I am sorry for intruding on his life as it seems he wants us to move on from one another and that it won’t happen again. It has been more weeks of radio silence and I’m not sure what to do. Not wanting to get into it “right now” does that mean one day you plan on it? Or is that just BS to fend me off? I’ve been looking into attachment styles and he is definitely “dismissive avoidant” who runs from highly emotional conversations and I am “anxious preoccupied” who craves reassurance (these two types often end up together albeit their opposite characteristics). The advice is to let them come to you on their comfort terms to talk but where the hell does that leave me in the meantime? When I reached out he answered and is happy to hear from me but does not take action by his own accord to talk to me. And for those who say “just forget him and move on” I wish I could just turn this off and do that! I am not ready to let go for whatever reason just yet and am looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences...
  19. Soon I will be ending a 5-year relationship… we live together, and I don’t know what’s the best way to go about it. First time I’m doing this. I will offer to move out of our shared flat, and I am almost certain that she will accept this arrangement (although I will give her the option to move out herself, if that’s what she prefers). Problem #1 is that we live in a tiny, tiny studio – no practical way to give each other space following “the breakup talk” and with COVID around, no reasonable alternative to create space either (not even a coffee shop or library) I am the type of a person who needs a lot of peace and quiet when packing, even for a 2-week vacation. Moving out will obviously be a lot more complicated packing project than that. I don’t see how I can accomplish anything with her around, with both of us emotional and her possibly furious. Given this dilemma, I was wondering if it would be acceptable to ask my partner to either stay with someone from work or move into a nearby Airbnb apartment for two days (weekend). I think I can pack my stuff and move out in less than 48h. If she refuses, I could still move to this Airbnb apartment myself – however, that doesn’t solve the packing problem. Also there’s Problem #2, concern for my property. Over the years she made many threats regarding my possessions. While I would like to believe she would never act on these threats, I cannot exactly rule it out 100%. So, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am actually slightly concerned about my stuff (electronics, books, sentimental items, clothes, etc). I don’t want to find them gone/damaged when I return to pack... and I can't gather everything valuable quickly either. What to do? [EDIT] Worth noting, we both work from home. So, neither one of us is out much during the day.
  20. i’m going to try to make this as short as possible lol because it’s such a long story and please do not judge me, i already recognize my errors. Anyways so i met this guy about 5 years ago, at this time i was in a relationship. The day we met he actually walked up to me and introduced himself, from that day i fell for him, but i sustained those feelings because i was with someone else. Because we hung around the same circles, he managed to get my contact info from a mutual friend. he called me some days after and we spoke for a while, i felt guilty because i was enjoying conversation with someone that i knew had no intentions of being my friend and i myself knew that i couldn’t be friends with him. as months went by , i tried to avoid him, i even blocked him. he wasn’t doing anything wrong as a man who wanted to be with me, i was just trying to fight my feelings for him. I was in a rocky relationship, but i wanted it to work so bad because i sacrificed a lot for it. although i would block this guy, i somehow unblock him and look for him especially when things were messed up with the guy i was currently dating ( i know, i was so wrong). the relationship with my now ex ended and that break up took a toll on me. i was extremely depressed and this guy was there for me every step of the way, but i was so caught up in healing myself that i didn’t see him and his actions. he eventually ended up just stepping away from me because he was probably not seeing any progress from me and he was right. we lost touch for about 6 months, but after this 6 months things did not go back to normal. when i started realizing that i really do have feelings for this guy, it was too late, he was in a relationship so i left him alone, for the next few years that relationship he in ended, but regardless of this he was not the man i knew anymore, he had changed in a bad way, he ended telling me that he went through some hard times and that’s probably why he had changed. He’s changes were affecting me in a negative way because i had strong feelings for him, but he was more caught up in hooking up with women. i stopped speaking to him for about a year or so and he i ran into him again a few months ago. Ever since then, we’ve been around each other a lot, but the situation is more rocky than. i clearly want to be him, but he told me that he is not in the mental space to be with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me and he is just not emotionally ready for a relationship. i told him i respected how he felt, but i didn’t want to friendship from him because i felt like i wouldn’t get over him if i continue being around him. he was so hurt my this statement, he kept telling me that he clearly loves me, but he’s not ready for me. after all this we ended up sleeping together and spending the day together just me and him and it just made things a little more complicated. my question to you guys is how do i maneuver through this situation? i don’t believe that we can ever be friends and i want to get past this, but another issue is that my best friend and his best friend date so at this point it’s difficult to avoid him. how do i stop feeling this way?
  21. Hi all, will try and keep this short. I started a new job back in Jan and I've had someone training me since I started (Me M25 , her F31). She's really good at her job and has taught me well, but since we've been working from home I've only had contact with her over skype and phone and I'm starting to come along now so need less and less training, thus less contact. Anyway this week something has only ticked in me that I really like her. Like I had a sleepless night over her on Friday... what is that all about? 2 problems though, as far as she's aware she still thinks I'm in a relationship - which I'm not. But I don't want to just come out with it that I'm not together with my ex anymore. I messaged the girl from work on FB yesterday (something work related to break the ice) and she replied quite thoroughly but the conversation just went dead straight away. Secondly, what with us still being isolated and working from home I'm not sure how to drop to her that I have feelings. I don't mind if she doesn't feel the same way, I get the whole working relationship can totally get in the way of things but I'd rather have closure than keep thinking about her. I've never felt this way before, as I say she was training me for about 4-5 months and I never saw her more than just a work colleague/friend but over the past week it feels like someones gave me the biggest punch in the face realisation that actually I really like her. Anyone had similiar experience?
  22. If this is in the wrong forum please move it to the correct one Okay so first let me say I know nobody is psychic and nobody can tell anyone why someone is doing what they are doing or anything close to that. I sometimes have trouble understanding simple things and I think this is a case of that and I would like to apologize in advance if this does come off confusing I am trying to fit a couple of weeks into a small amount of text so I don't drone on about it. I have been getting to know someone I have known for 13 years more personally, before this I had not seen her in 8 years and when we caught up we clicked and vibed as we always had. She over the last 13 years has had quite toxic relationships which have gone horrifically for her. DV, manipulation, cheating on her, etc. She explained to me that she had been single the last 5 years and was ready to spend her life alone and then I come along and knock all her walls down and she wants to see where this goes as shes never had any feelings like this before with anyone. So things were becoming quite intense between us over about a month, one night she mentioned something to me which triggered me and set me off on a rant.. not an abusive one just a frustrated one (i was frustrated I couldn't get what I wanted to say out properly and kept going on and on) and I believed I had triggered her. Due to all the restrictions in relation too Covid-19 we were not seeing each other 1on1 much. But there were certain things like "good morning (kiss face here)" and "good night (kissy face) here" "I miss you" "I miss your voice" "call me" a picture of what she was doing with her day, a gif of a sunrise on a beach with a campfire "cant wait to do this with you", a picture of the sunrise on her morning walks and sunset at her house. Things like this were an everyday occurrence when we were not with each other. The following day it all went to she didn't speak to me for a couple of days and I didn't get to see her. I had to go away pretty much straight after that for work and am still away for work for a couple of weeks. and what I have noticed is that the good mornings have pretty much disappeared sometimes I get "good morning :)" I haven't gotten a good night since that day I went on my frustrated rant. I've gotten an "I miss your voice" maybe once and that was recently and occasionally maybe three times I've gotten a picture of her morning or evening or even when we are talking on the phone and she has to put her kids in line, she will put the phone down and tell me "I don't like you to hearing me cranky" We have spoken about this and she explained to me that my rant was a massive pull back to reality for her and that she really let her emotions and her intensity take over and that the way she is seeing it now is it is not reasonable for her to be feeling and saying the things she has been saying and that there is no denying the feelings are there but she just needs to slow down and chill and that she does care about me and still wants to see where this goes but she can't let her intensity take over. I let her know what caused my trigger that day and why I felt how I did at that moment and that it was nothing to do with her just my insecurities, she explained to me that her walls are back up and that because of her past relationships she has to be careful because going to hard too fast only gets her in trouble. We still talk every 2nd night on the phone for 3 or 4 hours at a time, pretty much fall to sleep on the phone together. I cant wait to see her when I get back, I really can't. I am fine with taking it slow and getting to know each other on the level properly as the intensity can sometimes be quite full-on, but my issue is here and I have made this available to her, in my past relationships / when I've been getting to know people... When the little things are removed like the good nights, the kisses on the cheek, the intensity this is not a good sign and has always lead to an issue whether it be a breakup or just stop talking to each other. when I explained this to her she told me she still wants to see where things go and I asked her if she doesn't can she please let me know, she agreed that she would let me know. I know that she keeps telling me that she still wants to see where it goes and that she just can't be as full-on, but I feel like she is "weening" me off of the little things and intensity to put me back to a lesser position in her life, without upsetting me. (my insecurities here also, from previous experiences) I am happy to carry on as normal but at the moment I just feel like I should be wary that I could be being played on some level. She will always be welcome in my life as a friend, partner, or even just someone I see once every 10 years. She has been through every hard moment in my life with me and always been there for me and me for most of hers so I guess I just wanna make sure I approach this with as much knowledge as possible I do feel quite immature posting this but it has bothered me even wit her reassurances for a couple of weeks since this happened originally. All I am hoping to gather is maybe some insight from someone who has been in this situation before whether it is in my place or hers, perhaps some insight on how their minds were working at the time and maybe some advice on how to approach the situation. Sorry about the confusing mess i just type it as it comes to my head.
  23. - Background story: I was born in Germany with Chinese ethnicity and she was born in Korea. I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 5 months. Before that, we talked for a year through phone and met four times as vacation. She started to like me when she was on the second holiday for 5-6 days. The next holiday was three months later, with the highlight that we had sexual intimacy, but we were not in relationship. From there, we were so emotionally attached to each other through sending gifts and letters. That she even bought me a plane ticket to her country which I couldn’t afford at the time. During that time, so many things happened positively and negatively. I’ve noticed there were times where the mood swings up and down all the time. The main factor for having so many mood swings was we grew up in a totally different environment which different values. Most of the time, I just go with the flow and it worked most of the time somehow. From there we started to have a relationship. We are now living apart and I would like to say that our relationship goes very well except for one thing: our discussions through phone. I would say we have one and two heated discussions every month. No matter how childish it might sound, we are both not competent enough to have discussions. Since both of us can’t supress our emotions and frustrations. Somehow, we are still able to improve day by day and I thought it gets better. Well not, until our discussion/ fight last Sunday. - Main story: Whenever I say something correct or incorrect. She often doesn’t argue back. And if she argue back after some pushing, the strength of the argument is weak. Or she avoids the question by saying nothing. Unlike me who always answer on all of her questions. Which frustrates me and then she use that moment to react emotionally. After that, we quit our discussion. I would say she is not open for having sensitive or heated discussions. Few days after, she opened herself up by admitting that she has avoidant personality disorder because of her past. She wrote her story from her childhood to her recent relationship in Korean and will translate to English later on. Moreover, it wasn’t easy for her because it took five years to share this story to someone. Note: I’m sure whether I’m only one or not. On the bright side, she promised that she has the will to change and I can do is showing understand and support her nothing else. I found it somewhat difficult because I’m not a person who sits back and wait. I accept that, just to show respect for her decision. Today we’ve talked more and our conversation ends up really positively. We made compromises. After that, she also talked a bit about her story she wrote. Although there’s one part about her previous four relationships that was disturbing. Because she her previous sex experiences were “not satisfying”. Since sex is important for her. She set a certain standard with people she date and have “emotional connection” before entering the relationship phase. Surprisingly, size is important otherwise she will put you in friendzone. She even talked in a humiliating way that “it was small” and “he couldn’t erect, so I didn’t feel attractive enough for him”. I tried to stay calm successfully. My D- size is on the smaller side, just below average and it bothers me after she talked like that. Even though she enjoyed back at the time. I’m unsure whether she faked it or not. Second thing that bothers me, the fact she “tested” me out before having relationship. Because of her “approval”, that’s one of the factors she decided to buy the flight ticket and I assume to “have more”. Funny thing though, she totally hate it when she felt being “tested” and “manipulated”. Hypocrisy isn’t it? She also told that she had more than four bedpartners. Those were in times when she was single. I was totally surprised because whenever I talk about sexuality and “my desires”. She tends to avoid. On the other side, she is quite open for having multiple bedpartners. And how on earth can you be with people that easily when you have APD. Overall, I’m really confused about everything. I feel I cannot trust her 100% but also can’t let her go. Can someone give me any advice how to deal with her hypocrisy, trust and APD.
  24. Hi, I googled for songs called Stay With Me. Now I remember hearing this before. I'm confused about these lyrics. Is the character starting an emotionally unhealthy relationship? Or is he just confused? Or what? I feel like I don't have quite enough information. Lyrics: Guess it's true I'm not good at a one night stand But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave Will you hold my hand Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But darling, stay with me Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look, gain some self control Deep down I know this never works But you could lay with me So it doesn't hurt Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But darling, stay with me Oooh oh ooh oooh ooooh oh Oooh oh ooh oooh ooooh oh Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But darling, stay with me Oh, wont you stay with me 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love its clear to see But darling Stay with me
  25. My fwb wants to stop hooking up because I confessed my feelings for him. He says he doesn’t feel the same yet he says he feels attached to me and gets jealous of other men that try talking to me. Can you really be attached to someone without having feelings for them?
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