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Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. The best way to avoid these conversations is to not play... in essense, offer no resistance, bend in the wind. She's trying to get a rise out of you and in fact wants to pick a fight, so if you want to extinguish this behavior, you need to ignore it rather than reinforce it. Practice things like what Karmageddon says, like "i'm sorry you feel that way," or "really? is that so" and "yes, you've said that before." Just all purpose non-answers that don't respond in any way on the topic she brings up. You need to think of it like you DON'T return her volleys when she lobs one over the net. Just let it fly right past you and ignore it. She can't play this game if you won't play with you. Then change the subject to something else, and if she won't stop, end the call. Sooner or later it won't be fun to play with you, because you won't take the bait.
  2. Native Americans genetically have very little body hair (but on their heads of course). It's genetic soup! Very possible to have no hair, and also very possible to have a lot.
  3. Mish, different states have different laws... Unfortunately, in some states it can go on for years if there are property disputes and custody disputes and the judge has to schedule more hearings or hearings get postponed. I live in a state where if you miss one court date (or it gets postponed), the next date doesn't even get on the calendar for 4-6 months (due to how busy the courts are). So 3 or 4 postponements and it can be years. But you can frequently get the divorce earlier than that, and still leave the other issues to be settled later (so the legal divorce granted sooner, but the settlement or custody resolution later).
  4. Divorces are very hard and it is quite common to have nostalgic and very sad moments when the divorce finally comes thru. There are frequently memories of coming to the courthouse to get a marriage license and being really happy, then ironic to come to the courthouse again to get the divorce. There are even lots of 'courthouse step' reconciliations where people come right down to the very end, meet up at the courthouse and decide they want to try again because of these nostalgic feelings... but those reconciliations almost never work out because once that nostalgic moment is over, they are right back with the same problems they've always had. Anyway, congratulations! once the nostalgia passes, you will be freed to start your new life. It is also wise not to rush into another relationship because you are lonely. It sounds like the girl you were dating had her own set of issues, so best to keep looking til you find a nice person.
  5. Congratulations on getting free from him! Also just proves the point that people's character doesn't change. He is who he is and is up to the same old tricks. Gotta feel sorry for her though... Everyone believes that their love is special and that someone will change for them or for the better, but they rarely do, or at least not major changes like going from being a callous brute to being a nice guy.
  6. You need to be working on making your marriage better and living the life you want, or working on breaking up and finding the life you do want. Many people feel discontented in marriage, but do nothing. When you do that, it takes the line of least resistance, which is down or worse as a rule. Some people handle this by focusing on kids or jobs or things outside the marriage. But you need to really think about what you want, and what it will take to improve this situation. Lots of people make the mistake to bring children into the marriage when the marriage is lacking, but that just complicates things. So you need to accept that you need to work on the marriage (with couples counseling if necessary), or recognize that he and the marriage are not what you want, and quit wasting time.
  7. i know some couples who have handled this by moving farther away from relatives, so that the contact is not continual and limited to holidays or a visit or two a year. as long as you and your husband are getting along that is important, but if you are discovering that all the joy is draining away from your life having to conform to the expectations of his family, that is really difficult. so you can try to get used to it, and if you can't perhaps he would consider moving away to control the interaction. sometimes that is what has to happen if the family is very overbearing and won't leave you alone. of course they won't like it, but it could help your marriage survive and thrive.
  8. You are letting a tyrant rule the roost! First, it is YOUR house as well as his... since when does he get to decide that you won't have a party?? You have to fix the power balance in this relationship so that you stop allowing him to act as a PARENT rather than a husband (and a critical parent at that). You have to sit him down and talk to him about the fact that it is BOTH your house, and he is draining the joy from your life. And plan a party anyway, whether that is a daytime party for your kids and their friends and your friends, or whether you feel strong enough to assert your own rights and have a party in the evening for the neighbors and too bad if he doesn't like it. he would have a point if you were partying all the time, but you are just wanting to do a NORMAL thing and he is draining the fun out of it and forbidding it like a parent. i would really suggest marriage counseling in this case because you have such different styles, and need to learn how to get your needs met. and he needs to learn how to relax! he will NEVER think you are ready to have a party because there is always something one can do to decorate a house 'more' or 'better', or else he is just bullying you because he doesn't want one. people have parties in empty houses, or tiny apts., whatever, it is about having fun and the PEOPLE at the party, not the house itself!
  9. i don't know if this will help you, but there is something called 'intermittant reinforcement', which means that when someone is given a reward only sometimes, not every single time, it actually makes the person chase harder after the reward than if they got a reward every time... so him texting you on and off is working that way, manipulating you into missing him, then before too long goes by and you start to get on without him, he starts texting you again so you won't forget him and move on... the best way to deal with this is to set your phone to reject his calls and texts, so that you get silence and time to recover from him. he really sounds like he may be trying to keep you on a string for when it is convenient for him, not treating you with respect and consistency... he really won't offer you want you want, though he will continue to manipulate you to try to get what he wants...
  10. i think you have LOTS of stereotypes in your lists. She will sleep more when older, ummm no, most older people get insomnia until right before they die. Cat people are more affectionate, ummm, most people think the opposite, they are more aloof like their cats... So the point is that everyone is an individual. People age differently based on genetics and lifestyle too. i've seen some 45 year olds who look 60, and some 60 year olds who look 45. And some 30 year olds who are less active then 85 year olds. You could also find a 25 year old woman, who decides she wants 8 children when you want 2. Or no children at all after you've been married 10 years... A famous actress who is married to someone 30-35 years younger than her was asked about the age difference, something to the effect, 'aren't you worried about death separating you?', and she replied, 'No, if he dies, he dies...' So i would stop thinking in generalities, since nothing in life is guaranteed and every relationship is different. But i think that if you are already so concerned about this and have just started dating, then maybe you should do her a favor and talk about it, or set her free to be with someone who appreciates her as a *person*, not someone who is categorizing her as an 'older woman...'
  11. don't worry about showing weakness... your feelings are your own, and everybody hurts when they discover they have been involved with someone who lies and cheats. but do stay strong and DON'T contact him or respond to his texts because he is obviously still dating other people and has no intention of being faithful to anybody. you really should block his number and texts to not be reminded about him. really, he obviously has a long history of cheating and lying to women. his little text today was a pre-emptive LIE in advance to cover for the fact that he has a woman over and knows you will see it. he obviously thinks if he wears you down you will eventually hook up with him again, but what will you get if you do that? more lies and feeling bad about yourself, because he obviously wants to have multiple women and doesn't appear to regret hurting you either. so do yourself a favor and block him on your phone and email. also, explain your situation to your mutual friends, and ask them to please not talk about him to you, or about you to him, since you have broken up and you don't want to hear more about him because just want to get over it.
  12. In which case you are choosing to waste your own life by staying in a situation that sounds horrible for both of you... it really sounds like you want to scratch your mad spot over her being who she is... sometimes people get caught up in all the drama of a bad marriage and want to 'win' or prove they are right and the other person if horrible, rather than doing what it takes to fix the marriage, or leave and build a life where they could be happier. you can leave for any reason you want to, whether she is horrible, nice, or anything in between. or stay because no matter how much drama there is, you'd rather have the drama than take the consequences of a divorce. really, i think what is happening is your name should be ManChoosingToStayWithSomeoneHeDoesn'tLike rather than GoodManWasted. Nobody wastes their own life but themselves, so please try to decide what you need to do about the situation, rather than being bitter and wasting your life continuing on unhappily, the same way forever.
  13. if you are still just barely hanging on by your fingernails after 4 months, and he never responded to any of your communication before, i think your task is to really accept he is gone. that sounds really harsh, but that is the task to overcome, to get ahold of your fantasies and thoughts that dwell on him... that might involved going to counseling for a short while to have the theraphist help you deal with this, and give you support so that you can take back control of your life again. There are also many good books out there about getting over the loss of a love or recovering from a relationship. the trick is to start focusing on yourself and healing your pain, as opposed to thoughts about HIM and missing him and feeling you need him, etc. A lot of grieving about a loss is really about your own sense of self, how well you can stand on your own two feet, how well you can comfort yourself, fill your life with other experiences that will give you a NEW history rather than just an old history with him. so please try some thought-stopping techniques. allow yourself 15 minutes 3 times a day to think about him all you want, set a timer or watch the clock, and at the end of the 15 minutes, force yourself to say STOP and turn your mind to something else, work, play, books, etc. and if he comes up in your mind again, again tell yourself STOP, and remind yourself you can think about him all you want at your next 'think' period. Then as the days go by, start shaving a minute off each time, until you have not time left to think about him... it is really like breaking a habit or addiction or obsession, and the mind needs a break from constant dwelling on him and the loss, to start thinking about new or healthier paths for yourself. you need to learn how to love you, rather than focusing all your attention and thoughts on someone who is long gone, and unfortunately does not love you anymore. remind yourself of that, and that you deserve a new love who is with you in reality, not just in your thoughts....
  14. i think people on this thread are making some incorrect generalizations about menopause, saying women are destined to become asexual, which is NOT necessarily the case, and one of the myths about menopause... many women become MORE sexual because as the balance between estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone changes, testosterone predominates and their sex drives can increase! it really sounds to me like your wife may be clinically depressed, which can cause a plummeting of sexual desire at any age... and if she does have a hormonal or chemical imbalance, whether it is brain chemistry problems or hormonal problems, that can be treated... Many women who do lose their sex drive during menopause can be given very tiny doses of testosterone and return to a very rewarding sex life... (i.e., they don't have to be given more risky estrogen/progesterone therapy, if their main symptom is lack of sexual desire). but it sounds to me like there are more problems going on in your marriage than just HER lack of interest in sex, and you are trying to rationalize having an affair by blaming the need for an affair on your wife. and she may have lost interest in sex because she is no longer interested in your marriage, so better to deal with that issue directly rather than try to blame your potential affair on her lack of sex drive... i think the solution here is marriage counseling, and if your wife is depressed and has lost her sexual desire, help her realize that and get medical treatment and/or therapy... you having an affair addresses issues with YOUR own sexuality, but certainly doesn't help her, or return your marital sex life to normal, just lays the groundwork for a lot of bitterness. please don't cast this as 'doing her a favor', which you seem to be doing. let's be honest, you want to do YOU a favor and have sex with other women. btw, if you commit adultery, and have been married 20 years or more and your wife is 50, you might well pay alimony for life, and may will lose half your other pension benefits, 401Ks etc. i have seen that happen to many men who decide to have a mid-life affair and dump their middle aged wives, and they are shocked that it is not a 10 year financial commitment to take care of their ex-wife as you suggest, but a lifetime one... so please consult a lawyer before you decide how much money you will end up with. it may be a nasty surprize for you, especially if she has grounds for adultery. and don't discount how angry your adult children will be at you if you are caught in an affair... you might lose their respect, and that loss of respect can last a lifetime too... but i think you have already made up your mind to have an affair and end your marriage BECAUSE you have met someone else as you admit, but please don't rationalize it as acceptable just because your wife is depressed for whatever reason. if you don't want to be married to her, then admit that openly to her, and take your lumps and deal with the divorce honorably and above board. but if you do want to stay married, then quit taking 'baby steps' in another woman's direction, and continue the marriage counseling, and find another counselor if this one isn't helping.
  15. He sounds like a wonderful person, and many people would love to be married to someone like that, but if you are taking him for granted and cheating on him, you really do need to either commit to the marriage, or decide that you don't want to be married, and not just cheat because you haven't made up your mind... but one thing to be cautious about is that you have had a great guy for years, and you may discover that lots of men out there won't treat you as well, and you may regret leaving him, but not until you've been single a while and discover being single is not all it's cracked up to be either... you could just have a case of 'the grass is always greener,' so please be cautious before you end your marriage. you really might want to consider marriage counseling before making that final decision. i don't think a 2 week separation will be long enough to tell you much, if you don't do some hard work on the marriage (or work on understanding you really need to end it)...
  16. i think it could be two things... either he just wants to be friends and he went further than he wanted and had sex with you and now regrets it because he doesn't want a relationship, or else he just wants to hook up for sex now and again and have no responsibility towards you in terms of having a relationship. or a third possibility is he is dating someone else and not being honest about it, and occasionally sees you on the side for spice. in that case, he is not really communicating with you because he already has a girlfriend and doesn't want to get caught... but i think you have given your best to this, and since he is not responding well (or even all that nicely, ignoring you and only contacting you when he feels like it), then i think what you really need to do is put into words the reality of the situation, that you really want to be with him, and he doesn't seem to really want to date you, just hook up once in a blue moon. i doubt he will ever come out and just say that, but his actions are showing you that is what he is doing... and he could have a whole other life now he isn't telling you about (back with his ex? dating other girls?) since you have long periods where he just disappears and doesn't get together with you. i'm sorry, it is so hard when you get attached to someone, but really, he just isn't there for you, even reliably as a friend since he blows you off and you don't hear from him or what's going on...
  17. you never kissed him while dating? that is a bit unusual, but then, if you didn't kiss him then, why should you do it now? unless you want to get back with him, and both of you agree that that is your goal, then take a pass on a kiss, unless it is just to satisfy your curiosity. but don't expect a new relationship with him just because you kiss...
  18. Shannyn, i am sorry to hear this turned out this way... I think when we first break up with someone we are very used to being in a relationship where there is trust and closeness, and miss that terribly and make mistakes in judgment sometimes when meeting new people because we are longing for that closeness. There are lots of people who troll personal ads looking just for sex, as this guy appears to have done, even married people who lie about their status and borrow other people's apartments etc. for quick hookups. So it is hard to tell what this guy was really about, other than wanting to a hookup and nothing else. And you can't ever completely trust the words of a new person that you meet, especially out of context as in personal ads... he could be a huge liar, and experienced players know the right words to say to get a woman to fall into bed with them, like saying 'you touched a soft spot in me...' that's holding out a little enticement for you, offering a bit of the closeness he can probably sense you are missing after a breakup... So he was sending you mixed signals, on the one hand saying he didn't want a relationship, but on the other hand saying things that implied he felt a close emotional intimacy with you... and in retrospect the second statement about 'touching his soft spot' was an exaggeration to try to get you to see him, while afterwards he would just claim the first statement about not wanting a relationship if you objected later to him hooking up and then not even calling you, saying that he already told you he didn't want a relationship. so very convenient for him, a hook to get you involved, then an out clause to justify treating you callously and not even calling later. So i think this falls under the 'lessons learned' category, and don't beat yourself up about it, just recognize that you can't immediately return to the intimacy of a long term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without incurring a lot of risks and guys who are not 100% sincere in their comments, and in fact should be suspicious of guy's who try to establish that emotional connection and sex too soon. You have to spend time dating for a while laying the groundwork for trust, and getting to really know the person before you give too much of yourself to them and get hurt if they turn out to be callous... and be doubly cautious about people online, becuase it is a given that you don't know their history, and all you know about them is what they present in a few contacts. make sure you have spent a lot of time in non-committal and safe situations with them before you see them alone...
  19. I'm so sorry... of course you didn't deserve this at all... he's the one who is really messed up!! He was a liar and a coward to go behind your back like that and not give you the respect you deserved... You are better off without someone like that, although it really hurts now... I feel sorry for this new girl he's with, because if he would do that to you, he will eventually do that it to her too! He probably lied to her too, and told her you and he were 'just friends'... the favorite lie of all cheaters!
  20. it is certainly more risky than a monogamous relationship... chance of bringing diseases to each other, impregnating (or being impregnated) by someone else, one of the couple falling for one of their hookups and leaving the relationship. i think sometimes people 'agree' to this arrangement because they don't want to lose the other person, but it can easily dissolve into jealousy and insecurity. some people do pursue the swinger lifestyle and do fine with it, but they usually swing together as a couple, and don't go off for their own private hookups.
  21. Ah yes, another book in the game-playing way to relationship management. A relationship is based on love, respect, common interests, common desires, mutual attraction, shared goals, etc. etc. This is encouraging you to lie about your feelings, manipulate the other person, bring other innocent people into dating in order to make your spouse jealous, etc. etc. These are just warmed over mind control and manipulation tactics, and may get the person to pay attention for a while, but they will feel genuinely (and justifiably) angry when they realize it is all an act to try to manipulate them. If a relationship can't stand on its own when both people are being honest and open with each other, then it is a relationship that is better off not existing because the people are incompatible and are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole... Please don't delude yourself into thinking this manipulation stuff will make for a good relationship.
  22. This is just a variation of the 'if i'm a good little girl, Daddy will love me' fantasy. This guy doesn't love you becuase he is a lazy, self centered, violent jerk, not because you were a bad girl who didn't act or look the way you wanted. You could transform yourself into movie star gorgeous, and he will still be who he is, and will still treat you badly whenever he is in the mood, becuase of who HE is, not who YOU are. It is excellent that you want to work on yourself to make yourself feel better, but don't do it with him as the focus. Learn to love yourself, and find someone who will deserve you and the good things you offer, not this guy who is a jerk.
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