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  1. I look on this forum a lot to see if there are any new stories about people getting back together with their ex's. I do it just so that I can have some hope, and I really hope someday I can post my story on here to give others confidence that having hope pays off. In the meantime, I am going to make a list of actual stories of people I know that broke up and got back together. Please post your stories here too and we can put a little bit of cheer into this forum. 1. My friend was dumped by his girlfriend of 4 years. They were broken up for a year and a half and he tried everything to get her back. One day he was with his friend talking about her and she called him right then to talk about something trivial, and he went over to her house. They got back together and now they are engaged. 2. My friend's sister and her husband broke up for four years and now they are married with 3 kids. 3. My friend broke up with her high school sweetheart when we were 19 and they got back together a few years later and have been together ever since. 4. My other friend broke up with her high school sweetheart when she was a sophomore in college and they just got back together and now they live together. 5. A friend of my ex's was so sad about a girl forever, talked about her all the time when we were out at the clubs, couldn't believe they broke up, etc....now they have been back together for over a year. 6. My friend and her boyfriend dated for a few years, broke up for 9 months, now they are engaged. She says their relationship is better than ever now they are back together. 7. My friend was hung up on this guy forever, he would go back and forth and never commit, now they are living together and she is going to have a baby. They are really happy and in the end it worked out great. That is just some of the stories I know off the top of my head. Please post any stories of reconciliation that you know of so that we can have some cheer in this forum.
  2. First of all its a long story and English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes and please help me I am really confused and any advice would be appreciated. We were in a 2 year relationship and everything was going well before the covid lockdown. We used to fight and get into arguments but we never went to sleep without sorting it out. But we loved each other so much. We both had some bad habits like I was short-tempered and sometimes said hurtful things to her and she never shared her feelings or the things which were bothering her with me much, I had to ask her several times to know what has happened. Fast forward we had a fight in January 2021 because we were feeling some sort of distance between us, which turned into a fight lasted for about a week. We sort it out and after that fight we started having many little arguments in a month, like 2-3 arguments/ small fights in a month because she used to watch Netflix all day and never had time to talk (we talked for about 1 hour in a day roughly). Now on 19 May 2021 we had a small fight and she told me that my words hurt her sometimes and that she feels like I don't value her. I told her that if she wants then she can take a break to which she said NO, then the next day (20 May) she said that she wants to breakup. I tried to convince her and after 3 days (23 May) I finally somehow managed to convince her and then we talked for a week like normal friends and then after a week on May 30 she finally broke-up, she told me that she has lost feelings for me since April end. She wants us to remain friends as she says that I was one of her best friends and she don't want to be in a relationship with me. But I can't remain her friend as I still have strong feelings for her. I want her to give our relationship another chance and I know that if we both put efforts together then we can make this work but she is not willing to do so. Reasons I think she broke-up: First two are the main reason the others are just what I think might be the reasons. I am short tempered and sometimes I say things which hurt her but I don't do it on purpose or intentionally. There was a communication gap between us and mainly it was because of her habit of not sharing anything with anyone. I was getting a little bit jealous and insecure after our fight in January. Due to covid lockdown we were not able to spend time together, our only way of communication was texting. I think this can be a reason she lost interest in the relationship as it might be getting boring for her. I have fixed my attitude and my anger but how can I show her that I really have changed? Few points that are bugging me, First she was not ready to breakup, but then the next day she told me that she wants to breakup. When we talked about it she was furious with me and was telling me my mistakes but the next day when she broke-up, she took all the blame on herself that it's her who is at fault not me. While breaking up she told me that she lost feelings in April but after some days when I tried to talk to her she said that she didn't loved me and that she had lost feelings since January. I feel like she is hiding the real reasons and just trying to make up reasons to breakup. She has changed drastically in the last few days. I really love her and want us to be together and I know that if we both put a little more efforts then we can make this work. But I am confused whether I should talk to her after a few days [approx a month after our breakup](I will be meeting her with her sisters and friends) or after some months of no-contact. I am thinking that I should talk to her and first know the real reason of the breakup and what was bothering her for the last 5 months in which she lost feelings, maybe after that we can somehow make some changes and be back together. I just have a few questions: What should I do?? Should I move on or hope that by talking to her about all this we can get back together?? Or should I go no-contact for some months and then try again? Or should I give her some space and time to figure things on her own and until then I go no-contact?? Once the feelings are gone then can we do something about it... Like if feelings once lost can they come back too??
  3. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  4. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three months ago after five and the half years of relationship. We are both in our forties. She said she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn’t have any feelings for me for a longer period of time. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but there were a lot of beautiful moments as well. We share a lot of happy and nice memories. She had a lot of issues and I was always there for her to help her and support her, and moreover to love her in that moments. At the end of the relationship, I had issues and instead of getting the same support from her, she found another guy and dumped me. She forced me to move out from our mutual apartment. During this last three months, those beautiful moments we had were all over my mind, more or less every day, and I feel regret that she has left me. But I managed to move on and worked a lot to improve myself and I made a progress. But at the same time I kept calling her to come and visit me in my new apartment. And then, last Friday she came to my apartment, we had a good time and we had sex. She stayed overnight. Yesterday she came again and we had a really good and passionate sex. But all the time she was telling me that she is satisfied with the new guy and that she is going to stay in the new relationship. When I asked her for the reason, she said that he treats her good, he is funny and that she is in a way taking advantage of him (something like he is paying for all the food). When I told her that I’m seeing someone else too, she started to cry and she said that she likes me the way I am now and that she feels regret I was not like that before when we were together. I told her that she can leave him and that we can try something again, but she categorically refused that. She said that she wants to be with him and maybe one day in the future, who knows, we are going to be together again, but not now. I'm also sure that she came to me and cheated on him, because she doesn't care about him at all. But she said that is not the truth and that she fell in love with him. I was quite fine, but now I feel distressed almost like three months ago. So this just brought me harm. So why did she come to be with me? Does she really know what she wants? Who does she love?
  5. A few years back, I posted a journal of my online dating experiences: A couple of relationships later, I was finally dumped in November and tried to get her back in March: That didn't work, so I went through some self-examination: Now I'm back in the singles game... so here's Round 2 of an online dating journal from a 42-yo guy in a big American city. I have accounts on POF & Match.com, but the former seems a bit sketchy and the latter has never yielded any results for me. So for now I'll be focusing on OKCupid, which has been pretty effective for me in the past and is how I met my last two girlfriends. Back in December 2012, I sent out about 50 messages on OKC which yielded 5 dates: JINA (29) - We went out twice, held hands on 2nd date, got along well but no real sparks. I halfheartedly asked for a 3rd date a week after our 2nd one, but she didn't accept and I didn't really care one way or the other. TISA ( 38 ) - Very professional type-A personality, talked about herself the entire dinner, messaged me later that she wasn't interested anyway, so that was it. ELLEN (42) - Had a nice 2-hour lunch but she wanted to be just friends; we're pals on FB now. IRINA (42) - We had a fun date, but I wasn't interested in pursuing further. A few months later she contacted me on FB because we had a mutual friend, and now we hang out every so often as each others' wingmen haha! Great friend now. WYNN (37) - We got along well from the first email, lots in common, communicated a lot, sex was great, we ended up dating every weekend for 5 weeks. But then I had strong reservations (some identifiable, others not) about getting too serious, plus I hadn't quite resolved feelings about my ex, so I called things off. I still think about her every day, though, and would seriously consider contacting her again if other options don't pan out. But admittedly she may not want to give me another chance, may be dating someone (after being on OKC this entire time, she took her profile down today) and I really need to play the field a bit right now before I'd feel comfortable going back with hat in hand. Then IRL, a very pretty longtime friend & former bandmate SASHA (31) drunkenly hinted very that she was interested in me when we saw each other at a club a few weeks ago. We've been friends awhile but she has boyfriend, so I took that with a grain of salt and just texted her a week later about meeting for a drink next time she's in town. She said she would, but I'm not holding my breath for a date, nor will I do anything past a hug until she breaks up with him. I just wanted to let her know the door was open. Since my last round of OKC dating in December, I have a new photo with short hair and I've edited down my profile to keep it briefer, and also to emphasize my more responsible traits that might appeal to women more serious about a LTR. I've sent out 90 messages, mostly to very attractive women so I've expected a lot of non-replies. I sent 3 of them just to have an activity partner for moviegoing (1 didn't reply; 1 agreed, we talked on the phone for an hour, but she ultimately flaked; 1 lives in another city but will be moving here soon, we're now FB friends). 11 messages were never opened. I got lukewarm replies from 2 women that didn't go anywhere. Then after a long drought of no replies at all, last week I received 4 (!) replies that showed clear interest, and here's the results after a bit of back & forth: JEANETTE (41) - Financial Analyst. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes this past Friday and have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) RAQUEL ( 38 ) - Graphic Designer. I plan on calling her tonight, but we have a concrete date for Wednesday regardless. NICOLA (33) - Not sure of her job, but she's nerdy in a good way. After some lengthy replies at first, her messages got briefer and less frequent, and though we have a date set for Thursday, the specifics aren't nailed down yet. I think there's a decent chance she'll flake. KATHY (41) - Psychologist. I've only gotten one reply so far, but it was enthusiastic, so I asked to chat on the phone this week. Still waiting on a reply. In between all these, I get around 3-7 messages a week from women I have absolutely no interest in. So 90 messages this go-around have yielded 3 dates for a success rate of 3%, down from from a 10% success rate in November. And to be honest, I'm not super excited about any of these four women yet, but I'll reserve judgment until I meet them IRL. At least I'm keeping busy this week.
  6. I am SO depressed. I know I am constantly repeating myself on ena, but I like to catch up new readers. It has been three months since he broke up with me, and I do not miss him any less. I just REALLY REALLY want him back. I miss my friend, I miss my escape, I miss my love, I miss him so much. I have begged, pleaded, put my dignity on the line for this man so he could possibly come back. I have had my friends to talk to him, I have had his friends to talk to him. I have called his mom and asked for advice, I have wrote him letters, I have gave him gifts with a card containing more "I'm sorry" letters in it. I have stalked him on a fake account on facebook. Every time I saw him I broke down in tears and begged him to take me back...EVERY TIME. Anytime I needed a ride to work it was always depressing, because I couldn't hold on to his arm like I wanted to. I couldn't kiss him like I wanted to, I couldn't get a response back when I said "I love you" and it killed me, it still does. I called over 100 times one night, and that is not exaggerating. He picked up infuriated at me. I told him that I have been fighting for him for two months, can't he see that I am miserable? He responded back to me that that should be a big enough hint to leave him alone. I cried so hard that night. Every day I would call him anyway hoping he would pick up, some days I would call and text more than others, and I would never get a response. It was torture! I gave up, and tried no contact and I was somewhat healing. It was hard but I felt better every day, but I still wanted him. He started contacting me first, and that was very rare after the break up. It sucked to ignore his calls and texts, and if I did answer I pretended like I was not interested "What do you want?" One night he called me more that 7 times over, I ignored it, he asked me to pick up on a voicemail. I sent him a simple text saying "text" to let him know to text me. I wasn't so clingy. One day he arrived at my house unexpectedly. I answered the door "What are you doing here?" He told me he was going to call be he was afraid I would reject him. I invited him in. He told me he missed me, and missed our times together. I told him that that was his fault and he made us like this. He was quiet and I had this hard attitude on and I asked him "Do you need anything else or are you just going to stand there?" He told me he would leave, and he did. I did not chase after him like I usually would. He came back 5 minutes later ( I left the door unlocked). I asked him "What do you want, you must really miss me or something" He responded "What if I said I do?" I immediately caved and told him how I felt. I told him I missed him and I thought of him everyday. I told him that I wanted us more than anything. We had sex, and the next day we went out he seemed miserable to be with me. Later that day he told me that maybe we should stop talking. I was shocked! I asked him why did he come over, he told me that he did not want us to have any problems. I do not get that, if we aren't talking we would practically strangers right? How would there possibly be any problems if I am not talking to him or about him and vice versa. I asked him why did he have sex with me? He told me it just happened, sex is just sex and I should get over it. I itched a scratch for him. I degraded myself once again and showed him that I did not have any respect for myself, and to make it worse. I begged for another chance. I told him I have learned my lesson, that I will never hurt him that way ever again. He said that I have BEEN saying that, what make this time any different. I told him that I have had months to think about my actions, that it is totally different because he actually broke up with me, that I know what is on the line now. I never thought he would leave but now I know. He agreed to give me a chance. I felt somewhat better. I went on my fake account and snooped again. I saw that he had just got off of work, and he was wondering if anyone wanted to hang out because he claimed to be bored. I called him and asked him what he was up to, I acted surprised to hear him say that he was off work. I asked if he wanted to hang out or something. He told me that he was tired and that he was going to stay in that night. On his facebook, an hour or two later, he was tagged at some place downtown, and took pictures with his friends. So basically he lied to me, but I can not confront him because that fake facebook account is not me, to him it is someone else. I blocked him from calling me and texting me out of frustration. I could not call or text either. I let a day go by before curiosity got the best of me. I snooped again, I really wish I never created this fake page in the first place. I saw that his mother was in the hospital. I was very close to his mother, so I unblocked him and called. He answered, my heart started beating hard, I love the sound of his voice when he answers the phone. I asked if everything was okay? I asked if he was alright and his mom as well. He told me everything was fine, but then asked how I knew his mother was in the hospital. I lied and said that a specific mutual friend told me. I knew he would cover for me if my ex had asked him. He then asked if I blocked him, and that he was frustrated because he tried to reach me. He wanted to tell me about some UFO in the sky (because we were into that type of thing) that he think he might've saw, and he told me no one would believe him but me. He asked me "Why talk about getting comfortable just to block me the next day? That's not cool." We had casual convo, I was happy. He asked to stop by, I said sure. He didn't come in, I got in the car with him. Another round of casual convo. He left, and I was content with things. The next day, I woke up early, cooked him some cinnamon rolls because he is crazy over them, went outside and picked a flower from the garden and made a home made card for him and told him to come over. He stopped by for literally a few minutes and received the card and the baked goods. Before he left, he told me that I could call his mom, check on how she is doing (when before he told me to don't even think about calling his mother again because I am no longer family anymore). I was overjoyed to hear him say that. He left, and another day I was happy. The next day I did not contact him first, around 2pm he did. He told me the cinnamon rolls were delicious and he thanked me. We text back and forth and we joked around. I thought that maybe I did it! Maybe I fixed things and I could finally start showing him how I have changed. The next two days we did not speak at all. I started reading relationship advice and blogs, forums etc.. Some of them told me that NC DOES NOT WORK! That what makes you think that a partner would keep interest in you if you are not in the picture, especially if I am the one at fault. I panicked and called the next day. I explained to him that I want to try to get more comfortable with each other, and that I wish to try a relationship with him only with time. He seemed okay to what I had to say. Every day I started the contact. We would talk, normally or so I thought. I always had this weird feeling going on that he didn't want to. But why respond if he did not want to? We texted, occasional talk every now and then. I rushed out and bought his mom a Mother's Day gift, I asked him first though. Then I posted this thread on ENA, and it discouraged me to no end It is titled I am tired of being an ex. I refuse to follow no contact. I thought that I had the right idea by trying to prove to him that I am a positive person and that I am not as negative as I used to be in our relationship. EVERYONE SHOT MY IDEAS DOWN. I was scared. So for the past 3 days it have been no contact, and that is where I am right now... on the third day of no contact, desperately typing out my feelings here. I snooped just about an hour ago on his page, it turns out he is going on vacation out of state. Do you not think that that is something that he should have told me if we were working on getting comfortable. Why agree to work on us if he doesn't even want to talk to me. If he wanted to, I wouldn't be the one initiating first contact all the time. Here is what I have learned, and here is also what scares me. Despite how negative the poster are on ENA, if 88 out of 90 posts are telling me to leave him alone, then I guess I should get the hint. As you said pushing him for responses, and texting him again when he does not text back is only pushing him away. I also found out that I am filling a void for him. I am helping him move on because he have the familiarity of texting me, getting my responses and it somewhat (for lack of a better word) "soothing" to him. I am somewhat in the friend zone. He has the comfort of texting me, while he has no strings attached to me what so ever. So basically he can text me, and the proceed to see another woman if he wanted to. He has the ball completely in his court. He can see another woman if I was talking to him or not, regardless of what I do. Now I understand that no contact is to heal and improve myself. It is not to get him back. I understand that. But the goal is to improve myself and possibly get him back. I just want him back to the point I will do any and everything. I think I messed up too much though. Maybe if I stuck to no contact in the beginning hope would be there. I seriously doubt that he would knock on my door again, or even say the things he did before. I am so freaking depressed over this whole thing please. Someone snap me out of this depressed stage please!! For some reason, I find it hard to picture him contacting me
  7. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  8. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  9. Hello everyone I hope you're doing well, I'm currently a month into a breakup with a man who used to talk about our future and wanted to marry me. We met in high school and dated on and off up to college. The breakups before were initiated by me--most being from my insecurities and depression; the usual "he can do better than me". The last breakup I initiated I had felt unhappy in the relationship and broke up with him and dated a mutual friend of ours for one day before I didn't feel right. Within the week I had gone back to check up on him and he was doing awful. He was having self-identity issues and thinking about dying (though not trying to actively commit suicide or anything.) The dude I had left him for manipulated me and guilt tripped me for months along with other terrible things and I had a hard time cutting him out but I eventually did as my ex-boyfriend wanted. We got back together after a while of that and fast-forward two years to now. He ended it saying he didn't feel like he loved me anymore and that what had happened two years ago made him lose everything. I know I hurt him deeply and for the past two years I'd done all I can to help heal his hurt and trust. He said after a while that he did trust me and he believes me. During the breakup, he said I did nothing wrong and I did everything I could, but I disagree. Looking back on the last few months after the breakup I can say we definitely fell into complacency and negativity. The day before the breakup he sent me encouraging messages and told me how proud of me he was for getting over my past insecurities, how much he appreciated all the things I've done, and how I always tried my best in everything I put my mind to. We initially kept low contact for the first few weeks and met up twice to discuss the relationship (which was a no from him) and giving him his birthday presents I had gotten him before the breakup. When we discussed the relationship and breakup he said he felt unhappy that he couldn't feel anything for me anymore and it got to the point where he was drinking to try to feel anything. I agreed with him that it was unhealthy and I wished he had told me what was going on. I asked him if there would be a chance in the future, after he feels better with himself, for us to try again and gave me an "I don't know". He doesn't want a relationship right now and I understand and respect that. Currently, I'm trying to give him space and not contact him. He told me while he does not mind talking to me, he has no interest in doing so. Yet a few days ago he initiated contact by sending me a couple messages and pictures but the conversation wouldn't last too long and I left him alone after he stopped responding. As much as I hate the breakup, I understand why he did it--he was unhappy and that's all he really needs to make this decision. He's improving and finding hobbies to do and reaching out to old friends again (this was something I suggested while we were in the relationship, but he said he couldn't do it while in the relationship). He told me he would always put me first in the relationship and he did that to himself. That was never what I wanted and I told him that, that I wanted a relationship where we both focus on ourselves and each other. There's not much I can do other than focus on myself and my happiness and it's coming along. I'm finding the parts of me that I lost in the relationship: my self-confidence and independence. He told me in the end I was being really dependent on him and he's right. I'm sure that made it much more difficult for him during the relationship. I still think of him all the time and miss him dearly, but I know I can be happy with myself. I was happy with myself before but he filled my heart and after that left I felt so lost. I still have hope that there is a chance for us, as we've been through so much already and always came back together. However, I don't want to bank on that. Instead, I'm hopeful in the time we spend apart becoming better versions of ourselves. Anyways, this is terribly long but I was wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how it turned out for you? What is the possibility that his unresolved issues from two years ago affected his feelings? Maybe he put up an emotional wall from it all? Advice would be greatly appreciated too. Thank you.
  10. Hi Folks, I thought I'd write up some tips on how to cope with finding out your ex-partner cheated on you and then left you for that person. My 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended last April. He emotionally cheated on me with a married woman and then left me for her. To my knowledge they are currently in a committed relationship but keeping it a secret. This forum has been supportive to me and is filled with amazing people who give spectacular advice, but I thought it would be fun to write a post to address almost everything that I wish I knew 3 months ago but didn't know at the time. I truly hope this helps someone struggling with a breakup that involves the ex cheating and leaving you or immediately rebounding. I'd love feedback and discussion! Also, forgive me for my writing style. It's a work in progress. 1. Cheating is wrong!!! You may notice that after cheating, your ex may justify it, talk about the issues in the relationship that LED TO the cheating, and ultimately minimize what happened. There are no excuses for cheating. Cheating is a choice. People do not magically cheat, it does not JUST HAPPEN, your partner chose to cheat on you and lie to you about it. Accept that and any time your ex tries to blame relationship issues on cheating then cut them off and move on. If you want to discuss the relationship issues, that's cool, but NEVER allow your ex to blame you for cheating. Even if your relationship was pretty bad towards the end, there are other options than just cheating. 2. React to the pain you feel about the cheating. There is a trend I've seen with some posters on this forum. People who come back regretting not getting angry, not saying how they feel, not saying how badly they hurt, etc. You have been hurt. If you want to react, and if you found out about the cheating in the last couple of weeks (DO NOT do this if it's been more than a month and your ex is not reaching out to you) then go for it. React! Be angry and be careful about what words you choose to use since they will be held against you. Here's a snippet of what I said to my ex, " I love you so much, I thought you were the man I was going to marry. I'm shocked that you did this to me. You hurt me more deeply than I can imagine. Yes, we had some problems in our relationship but I was happy to work them out with you. Instead you chose to cheat and hurt me. You DO NOT deserve to be in my life for these selfish actions. I am so angry at the ways you have hurt me and will never understand... blah blah.[/i]" You get the drift. Say what you like but strive to be the bigger, better person. Don't say things you will regret or that will be taken out of context. If possible write an email. Do not talk on the phone or in person since your ex will likely spin everything you say and you'll end up not making the point you want to make. 3. Be honest about your feelings. After the breakup I told my ex that I loved him more than anyone, I'm disappointed in him, I thought he was better than this, that I wasn't perfect but I still didn't deserve this pain. I was honest about how short-lived this new relationship likely will last and told him that he broke my heart. I have ALWAYS been honest with him. I did not play games, try to act like I was moving on or that things were cool between us. However, I didn't beg for him back and toss out my self-respect. Be honest. If your ex treated you like trash then say it. If you want to add that you thought your ex was the love of your life, then go for it. This is your time to be honest about how you feel and trust me, if you do it months later, it will be awkward, petty and you'll feel ridiculous. Get it out now and move on. There's no going back at this point. The later you do this, the more ridiculous you will sound. 3. Go No Contact (NC)!!! Alright, you found out about the cheating, vented, heard him/her out. Go NC. Go NC immediately. There's nothing else to say or do. I believed that my ex might snap out of it, he'd come back begging with sweet and sincere actions, that he'd cut her off and finally focus on me. Well that did NOT happen. What did happen? Random 6 page emails saying how much he loved and missed me and how much he was hurting, he showed up at my job randomly with a gift while the other woman was visiting him, he begged me to come and see him, he sent me texts and emails saying he was thinking, loving and missing me. But this meant NOTHING. He showed no remorse over his actions and ultimately thought cheating and leaving me was the best decision. I kept in contact with him cause I thought he would see the light. He did NOT and now I've deterred MY healing. Please DO NOT make my mistake. I am talking to a few people in this forum who have made this exact mistake and regret it. Go NC. Get your dignity and self-respect back. Your ex WILL NOT know what he lost until you are gone for however many months or years it takes. Sad, but true. 4. Scream, cry, weep and do it all over again. Being cheated and left for someone else is one of the worst things a partner can do to someone. You will feel pain. Most likely this will be the worst emotional pain you have ever endured. Feel that pain. Take some sick days from work and school. Stay home and cry. Invite a friend over and cry with them. Get all the feelings out and cry. You will be in quite a bit of pain for a few weeks or months past this point, so the best way to learn how to cope with the pain is to accept that this pain is a normal part of the healing process. The more you ignore the pain, the harder it will be for you to cope in the future. 5. NC does not make your ex forget you. During the beginning of NC you will have intense fears that NC will make your ex think that you don't care and they will slowly forget you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an accurate quote when it comes to love. If your ex had any feelings for you, then they will miss you. Every ex I have ever had, I still think about. I do not just forget people. It doesn't matter who dumped who, if the breakup was bad, if the relationship was bad or whatever. I did not forget them and again, many of my exes I have not spoken with in years. I still think about an ex that I knew for 6 months and haven't talked to in about 4 years with the exception of 2 random emails, the last one which he ignored. Again, if there were any strong feelings, NC will only make them miss you AND will make them contemplate if leaving you was the best decision for them. I have exes who I haven't spoke to in over a year who can still remember details of our time together that I had completely forgotten. 6. Do not rationalize with your ex and think you can change his/her mind. After you cried endlessly you may start imagining movies where someone goes running back to their exes and having a 2 minute dialogue about how they can make this work, and then bam, they sail off into the wind. I DO REGRET thinking for a second I could change my ex-boyfriend's mind. What I've learned from infidelity forums and articles about cheating and people who leave you for someone else, is that in their mind they have rationalized it. Does it make it rational, sound, a good idea? Hell no! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, no matter how bad the situation may seem. But unfortunately for us, our exes have rationalized this in their mind. This does not mean they may not change their mind. But seriously, if your ex implies this was the right decision for them then by all means believe that your ex believes it. Your ex may be in denial, lying to themselves and everyone around them, or not thinking straight but your ex believes it. No amount of arguing will change their mind. No amount of getting your friends and family to talk to your ex will change their minds. Your ex has made up their mind and will learn the hard way what cheating truly results in. You know the truth, you know how messed up this all is, and that's all you can be concerned about. You may want your ex to hear your side, but trust me, it wont change a thing. I know you are probably reading this and thinking BUT, or how you are the exception and can make your ex see reason, etc. Well here's a reality check. You wont. Your ex can only come to that conclusion on their own. 7. Do not feel guilty for wanting your cheating ex back initially. We have all been there. Just like your ex rationalized cheating on you, you will rationalize being with your ex. All of a sudden your relationship will seem "perfect", you'll minimize red flags, your ex will become this sad, hurt and cute animal that you must save and you will convince yourself that life cannot go on without your ex. This is normal for the first couple of months after the incident. Eventually, with the use of NC, these feelings will fade. You'll see your ex as a person and not a timeless piece of love and erotica. Eventually you'll see his/her flaws, feel more disgusted at the thought of being with them and the moments where you miss their presence will gradually fade. Just remember these feelings are 100% normal. 8. Try to stop the self-blame. Whatever happens, this was NOT your fault. Couples with issues talk about it and work things out. It's not your fault your ex DID NOT communicate these issues to you. During the last month my ex and I were together, I remember many moments of me holding him and asking him how he felt about "us". He looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead and said we were better together, how he wanted to marry me, how I was the one for him while secretly plotting to meet up with this other woman. I don't know if it's denial on their parts or if they are just lying to themselves and us, but DO NOT dwell on the what if's and the problems you had in your relationship. Every relationship has problems. A mature and loving partner works through it, gives it a fighting chance, and doesn't just run at the first spark of danger. 9. Be prepared to build new and stronger friendships and cut out quite a few people in your life. One of the hardest things was dealing with the aftermath of my ex telling people why we broke up. Your ex will likely not paint you out in a sweet manner to family and friends. Lies will be told, truths exaggerated, things will be taken out of context. My ex, for instance, told people that I disliked him which is why he found himself attracted to another woman. He said this because at one point I told him I found ONE thing he did as annoying, during a discussion where he was pointing out my flaws. I've always liked and loved my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, all these mistruths and lies painted me out negatively. As a result, a few people who I thought were friends de-friended me. Obviously speaking with his family, who I adore, was not an option. Use this period to make new and lasting friendships. If someone doesn't believe you, CUT THEM OFF and move on. Life is too short to be around people who want to paint you out as the bad guy. 10. Please be patient with yourself. It's hard when your ex SEEMS to be moving on and having a wonderful life while you sit around pining for the person you were in love with. It's hard to be open to dating. Your friends may tell you to move on, your ex is a jerk, get over it, it'll get better everyday. Sorry but that's not true. Over time things will get better but the next couple of months, with NC (you will only hurt yourself by talking to your ex) will be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you'll think you are over your ex and the next day you'll be in tears wishing he/she was lying next to you in bed. Everything takes time. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to feel better. You will feel better when you feel better. Now I've resigned myself to keep improving my life and reminding myself that everything is still fresh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. Just keep moving forward. Take it slow and be patient. 11. Slowly accept that the relationship you thought you had is gone. It is completely over. Even if you get back together with your ex, it will be different and new again. It's okay to miss the old times and to become nostalgic but eventually you need to accept that what you had is over. Just like other relationships in life, it's time to say goodbye and look towards the future. 12. You are not replaceable. Right after the breakup, I kept wondering how he could replace me. The truth is, people are not replaceable. The bond you create with someone is special and meaningful. If that was not the case, humans could fall in love with any random stranger in any given moment. Infidelity brings out our greatest insecurities. It's normal to exaggerate your flaws and wonder what is wrong with you. After finding out about the infidelity I wondered if I should have been more cuddly or if he wouldn't have cheated if I'd spent less time asking him what he wants for dinner. Silly, right? Well those were thoughts I was CONSUMED by right after I found out. It's normal and take this time to battle those thoughts. Utilize therapy, friends, family, ENA and whoever else to build up your self-confidence and see that you are a special person that cannot be replaced. Yes, you have flaws but everyone has flaws, including your ex. 13. Stop comparing yourself to the new person. Initially, you will hate the other woman or man. That's a normal feeling that may never go away. However, stop judging yourself. Believing your shortness isn't attractive because your ex chose to sleep with a woman who is taller is downright silly. Constantly needing your friends to tell you that you are a better, more attractive catch is also tedious and a waste of time. I will say this. Most people who cheat, usually downgrade. They have chosen a partner who is okay with lying, cheating and is selfish enough to help destroy a long term relationship. They have chosen a partner who only cares about their feelings over YOURS, the hurt person who has been cheated on. And if this person who they cheated with is your friend, coworker or someone who knows you, then that is even more disrespectful. So trust me, your ex downgraded on that fact alone. Other than that don't compare. You'll drive yourself crazy. I have seen people wonder if they are a good catch just because their partner cheated and these are women and men who are very attractive, successful and wonderful people. Your ex likely chose the new person because they filled a void, NOT because they are hotter, more successful and overall a better catch. 14. Your ex is thinking about you and misses you. A common worry to the dumpee is that the other person simply forgot them. That's not how the human brain works. Who have you personally forgotten that easily? If you spend months and years with someone you just don't forget that person. I mean there was even a whole movie on this subject, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Your ex thinks about you and misses you. That's where the infamous breadcrumbs come from. I once had a guy dump me and stop talking to me for months. A year after the breakup, his new girlfriend told me he talked about me quite a bit and regretted losing me. I had absolutely no idea. Just remember that unless you were dating a heartless sociopath, that person is likely thinking and missing you in their own way. 15. Be realistic about the relationship you had. After you've been in NC for a few weeks, it's time to reflect the relationship. Was it really all that great? Were you actually happy? Are you a good match? This process will take months. At first you may believe you were perfect together, later you may believe the relationship was mostly good, then you'll identify the red flags, see even more red flags, feel disgusted by that person and realize the relationship wasn't all that wonderful in the first place. Again this will take weeks or months to process and fully accept. 16. Don't dwell on whether the relationship with the new person works out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Let's say your ex and the new partner break up. How would you feel if your ex goes on a dating site immediately or gets a new partner? What if they don't contact you after the relationship blows up in their faces? Will you continue to put your life on hold wondering who your ex is dating? There will be many people who will say the relationship will not work out. Here's the truth. It's unlikely to work out, but there's a chance it will work out. You will only hurt yourself counting the days and months till the new relationship fails. Statistically most relationships fail but you can't use that as a sole indicator of what will happen. Just like it's unlikely you'll get in a car accident after work today, it does happen to some people. Do yourself a favor and don't assume the relationship will work or wont work out. Again, you will cause yourself more pain. Also, for the record, there are stories of people who are with the person they cheated with for years until a breakup or divorce happens. And then that person tries to get back with the person they cheated on. Do you want to wait years? Would you really want to be with a cheating partner who requires years of being with someone else to realize they want you? These are all things to think about. 17. Don't get caught up on the karma bus. Just like my last comment, it's likely that karma will occur. People who treat others with disrespect tend to have bad things happen to them eventually. The truth is you may not see it. An even sadder truth is that it may not happen. Honestly, everyone has bad luck. I don't know anyone who just has a wonderful happy, carefree life all the time. I'm sure your ex will hit some bad luck soon enough. Eventually you'll need to be the bigger person and not wish harm upon someone else. I'm at a stage where I don't wish misery on my ex but I do want him to really reflect on his actions and learn from them. Instead of wishing for karma, wish that your ex becomes a better person and owns up to their mistakes. 18. Stop focusing on whether your ex will change. Trust me, they very rarely do. If a cheating partner TRULY changes, they will apologize to you for hurting you. Every person who has hurt me AND changed, eventually came back and apologized for their actions. This doesn't mean we have to be together, be friends or be part of each other's lives, but it does show a huge step of maturity for them. If your ex never apologizes nor shows remorse for hurting you sometime far in the future, then assume they haven't changed. Cheaters rarely change. But when and if they do, they'll own up to it and at least give an apology and try to make amends. 19. People don't forget the way you treated them. If you were truly a wonderful partner, then your ex will always remember that. I treated my ex like a king, and no matter what he thinks or does, I know when he looks back at our relationship, I'll always be the woman who did X, Y and Z. I'm always proud of that. I want to leave good imprints in people's lives. You should focus on doing the same. Whatever happens always be the bigger and better person with your ex. Don't spread rumors. Don't tell everyone and their friends what happened just to make people hate your ex. Don't get revenge. Don't use people by having random sex and breaking hearts along the way. This is how wonderful, nice, and decent people become jerks themselves. 20. The world is bigger than this. Many of us, myself included, believe their world is destroyed because of the infidelity. All of a sudden everyone seems evil, unworthy of trust and we question what the point of having a relationship is all about. Some of these feelings are normal during the beginning of a breakup but long-term this is a big problem. Remember that as bad as infidelity and breakups are, the world is full of people suffering in many other ways. There are beautiful relationships and marriages that have trust, respect and communication. And sometimes, this is just another obstacle we have to overcome. Remember that no matter how you feel, the world is bigger than this, much bigger. Don't let someone disrespecting and hurting you change your views on humanity and love. 21. Do not respond to breadcrumbs and most importantly do NOT give your ex the light of day until they apologize. This is a specific situation where an apology is NEEDED since your ex betrayed you and hurt you deeply. Breaking up can be a good thing for a couple but once cheating has occurred, that needs to be apologized for. My ex has NEVER apologized to me for cheating. He will cry and say he's broken hearted but NEVER say he's sorry for cheating on me. Until an ex apologizes for cheating, then there is no room for anything else. Go NC and stick with it. If your ex comes to his.her senses, and hopefully they will, they will apologize. Even if the ex and the other person work out and sail into the stars, if your ex truly changes then they will own up and apologize. 22. You do deserve better. Hundreds of people will say this to you but the meaning remains the same. You deserve better than cheating. Don't forget that.
  11. Hi everyone, I have a situation that I really need some advice with. So there is this girl whom I met after she introduced herself to me at school. I talked with her briefly and she dropped out and lost all contact with her until about a month ago. We became good friends incredibly quick, went out to a bar the first time we hung out and wound up stayin up till 6am. We have so much in common and generally was the first time I had ever felt so comfertable with a girl after just meeting them. From that night on we have been talking, texting or hanging out every single day since. She let on right away that she had some "unfinished business" and had been dating on and off again with a guy for a year or 2. Which didnt bother me at first, but over the past couple weeks I've been developing feelings for her. We've gone out quite a few times since and we've both been very flirty with each other. However as of late her guy and her have seemed to gotten back together. Even though she has told me this she still keeps in constant contact with me, and I do truly enjoy talking and seeing her. We've hung out numerous times since but she won't actually admit that she is back in a relationship, and everytime the guy is brought up it is never anything positive yet she says she loves him. I played cool for awhile but eventually she said she knew I liked her, but that she already has someone else, yet she calls me everyday after she gets out of work, we stay out late togther when we hang out and shes invited me back to her place on more than one occasion though nothing happened besides laying down with each other. From someone who maybe has been in this before, is this girl attracted to me? I told her my feelings for her the other night, she didn't respond back but the next day she called me and we went out later in the evening, we've casually talked about it but it seems as if she is still expressing interest in me, she remembers things that are goin on in my life, we generally connect as if we've known each other for years. I don't know where to go from here I told her I would respect her relationship but that I do care about her and like her as more than a friend. I would have figured that she would have made an attempt to see or contact me less if she was truly commited to her guy, but I cant figure this out. Is she just that cool of a person to where it doesnt bother her, or does she actually seem like she feels the same way as I do based on her actions? I am curious if anyone has an opinion or advice to give me, I don't want to barge in on a relationship, but I do care about her and could see myself with her and becoming serious. Should I pull away alittle bit, express my feelings to her again in hopes she might tell me how she really feels? or just attempt to remain friends?
  12. Hey all, Im new to this forum (Hey!) found the link via google search. Looking for some advice on a recent break up i went through that is eating me up a little. Totally realise im a stranger and that this is my side of a 2 sided story, but thank you in advance. I met my EX 4 years ago, we took things slow to begin with as we both had children from prior relationships - but it went well. We have always done fun things together, going out, travelling etc and have always had a good level of intimacy. Last year, around June - she had a break down - largely driven by not fully addressing the divorce she went through after 17 years (they got married at 16, he cheated on her a left is the gist of it). She went to therapy but had to take a period of leave from her job to focus on her energy levels etc. Things had certainly changed, but we go through it with support and love. In January this year she tells me she loves me but wants to figure some things out in her head and she asked for a brief break. We agree to a no contact but she would occasionally reach out to have some intimacy. I realise i should have walked away and kept away, but i loved her and wanted things to work out. Fast forward to March and we get back together and its amazing and full of love. The passion came back instantly and we had healthy conversations about the future. 3 weeks ago she asked me if i wanted to buy an house together with her, we saw some and even put in a few bids. We also brought up babies and marriage as a thing to start thinking about. She started work again but quickly got tired again and distant. On monday this week, after a fun weekend together, we go for a meal together (ribs! yes!) and as we finish ordering the food - she says to me (obviously paraphrasing a little): I love you alot; your an amazing person, great with my kids and i love being around you and what we do.. but i think there is someone better out there for me and im wiling to roll that dice. Now, obviously im startled by it (and yes i may have missed signs, but last Wednesday she told me the day we spent together was "perfect"). I ask if there is someone else; she assures me there isnt and its just that she got back with me due to the corona lockdown and she doesn't think she can spend the rest of her life with me. She hugs me, kisses me and leaves. Im doing my best to not contact her and sort my own head out during this but the sudden change from love to goodbye is driving me crazy. ive been in break ups before, and broken up with people before but this just makes no sense to me. I should just leave it right? Has anyone experienced anything similar? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
  13. Part of my healing at this point is not even hoping that we will get back together, but instead hoping that one day he will realize how he hurt me and feel badly about it. I hope he regrets how he acted. I hope he sees how he hurt me. I hope he understands how he hurt me. Right now he just blames me for everything and points out everything I did wrong. It hurts. It hurts that he never appreciated me and that he took the beautiful that I gave him and threw it in the trash. Will he ever realize all of this? When I am long gone, will he ever regret it and see my point of view of things on how he hurt me and what he did? I wanted to be good with him and wanted to have something beautiful with him...will he ever regret losing that and not cherishing it when he had the opportunity?
  14. Hello everyone, This problem has come up in my relationship in the past, but just recently, it has happened again. Back in January or December, my boyfriend would fall asleep on the couch every night. Come to find out, he was talking to girls on instant messengers and saying that I MADE him sleep on the couch, which is totally false. I have never once told him to sleep on the couch. If anything, I beg him to come and sleep with me and he always says "I'll be in there in a little bit." Every morning I wake up with no one beside me... Not last night, but the night before last, I had just laid down and heard him talking to someone (he has no cell phone so it got me really curious). I stood by the door and listened for a little bit and heard a girl's voice coming through my computer's speakers. I waited a few minutes and he came through the bedroom door and saw me standing there and just smiled. I said "Who are you talking to?" He smiles again and says someone. I've not smiled once. And I said again, "Who are you talking to?" He smiles yet again and says "Makayla, she asked me to Skype with her." This girl I do not like in particular, and he knows that. We broke up back in April because I found a bunch of messages between him and another girl with very inappropriate things in it. As a summary, she basically asked him if he would cheat on me for her and he said yes. But anyway, back to Makayla. When we got back together and he came back home with me, he got a text from her that said "Who are you in a relationship with?" And he said "Sara." She then responded and said "Have fun with her cheating on you." This girl has never even met me and she is judging me in the most offensive way possible. So when he said that's who he was talking to, I naturally got very upset and said "Well, it's nice to know that you still talk to her even though she said some bad things about me." He then proceeded to roll his eyes and walk out of the room. I went to sleep very angry and, of course, woke up with no on next to me. Yesterday morning, I checked the browsing history on the computer to see what else he possibly did after I went to bed. (Just as a sidenote, I want to state that I don't snoop and go through stuff unless I'm given a reason not to trust him). I saw where he had searched on Skype's FAQ's to find out how to erase conversations. This, of course, concerned me and I asked him about it when he woke up. He said he was doing it for his old account because he said some mean things about me when we were broken up. I reluctantly accepted his explanation and the rest of the day went fine. I went to bed and said, "Please just come to bed when you get tired." He kissed me and said "I promise I'm not far behind you." Again, I woke up alone this morning. I got on the computer and looked to see what he had been up to, because the only reason I can think of that he would prefer to sleep on the couch than in our king sized pillow top bed is because he's doing things he knows he shouldn't and doesn't want me to find out. Anyway, Skype was pulled up and Makayla's name was highlighted. I then proceeded to check his Facebook and sure enough, there was a message from her saying "Skype me." I then went to check the history again and saw that he had deleted the history from this ENTIRE WEEK. This is extremely disturbing to me. I really want things to work out with him, but I don't know if I should just give up. Does him sleeping on the couch and Skyping with girls and deleting history out of the browser indicate that he may be being unfaithful in some way? Please voice your opinions. Don't be afraid to be honest. I need all the help I can get. Thanks.
  15. If you were a dumpee, did you ever get closure? If so, when? Did you actually get to sit down with your ex and talk it out? I'm 21 and my ex is 24. He dumped me back in October after I (yes, I was an idiot) called him up and got into a heated argument on the phone and then all we had was a 30min phone conversation the next week. I haven't seen him in person since October 18. He said that with his last girlfriends he never gave them an explanation but said that I deserved one. I told him I wouldn't feel closure unless I saw him in person and talked it out. He told me that he didn't know when we would see each other because "these types of things don't have a timeline". I know its only been 2 months but I just feel like if we aren't going to be together then can i AT LEAST get closure to move on with my life? When he broke up with me he said that: --I did nothing wrong ---I really wouldn't want to be with someone like him --he is going through a lot of personal stuff -- he said he is hurting a lot too but it was nice to not be worried about someone and have to text them everyday -- Asked if I would want to be with someone that just wants to watch tv and sports all day? -- he needs more space -- he keeps everything bottled up --said something to the affect that it has been like this for a few months --said that if it didn't end now, it would have eventually ended ---can't be with anyone because he needs to fix his own life, doesn't want to drag me along/hold me back --we both have a lot of growing up to do Despite all of this, i still LOVE and care about his so much and have hope/faith that he can turn his life around. I respect that he wants to fix some things in his life and that he needs space, but do you think there is any hope in us getting back together or do think that I will at least ever get closure? =/ He always used to tell me that he wanted to be with me forever and we talked about marriage and children....things started to change in August and i noticed him pulling back more because of financial problems and stress with his family. It's just weird because we are still friends on FB. I've been debating deleting him on FB but decided not to. I have made a commitment to myself yesterday to not look at his FB or Instagram. Damn it's gunna be hard but I know its for the best. uggggh will i ever get closure or will he ever come back?
  16. I thought it would be interesting if i shared my story and then my day to day efforts to be with my exgirlfriend....you can share with me your thoughts of how i may have done well or poorly on a given day. Well, my story follows: We broke up officially on October 16, 2004. She moved out of our apartment at the end of September. She told me about her plans to move out on August 1, 2004. She said the reasons for moving out were: 1. we were having issues that seemed to get out of control since May and could not take a chance of signing a new contract to live with me while she attended a one year accelerated nursing program at Rush in Chicago, because if we could not work it out, she may end up putting her education (comes with a scholarship and a job for 3 years) in jeopardy. 2. she needed to find out if I was the one 3. she wanted to live alone and gain some independence (she felt she took advantage of me and all I gave her and did not want to have to depend on me anymore for happiness). When she first told me her plans in August, I did everything I could to keep her to stay. By September, She actually told me she wanted to see if we could work it out, but this dark cloud developed over our relationship that seemed to sabotage everything we tried to do. By mid September, she decided to continue with her original plans. This attempt by her to try to work it out and comments in therapy (two sessions) that she would not be leaving if it was not for nursing school were strong enough reasons for me to swallow my pride and let her move out…and all the while, help her with her new place and continue to date her.. (Also, during a trip to Scotland in April, she said she would have married me – she thought I was going to ask). The night she decided to move, I went to live with my sister. We ended up talking and by the end of the week, I was back and she was telling me how upset she got that I was not there and how much she missed me and my support…she was still moving out however. The slide in our relationship seemed to start in May through August, she got a new job and we worked opposite hours…we started to slowly slide out of the relationship with building resentment, etc…..Nothing two people could not have worked out….things that counseling could have helped with if we ever talked about them, but when in therapy early on we were too busy trying to deal with the dark cloud. So why the protracted relationship with her after she said she wanted to move out? She just kept dangling carrots out there for me by saying things like "I still want to date you" "you are still the man in my life" "I still think about us" "who knows what the future holds"..she kept my picture in her living room….she did not want to date other men…"my sister is routing for you". " I have been thinking about a future with you"….."I love you"….But, come the holidays, she did not want me to go home with her (as we have several times). This caused me even more grief…she would no longer come to my parents and she did not want me to go to see hers?…what was I if we were still "dating?" Recently about two weeks ago when a college strike may have caused her not to get into the nursing program, she said she would have gotten back with me to work things out..Another carrot! By October 16 we broke up…..no more sexual relations…..by mid week we were talking again…I had given her a card that basically said that I will always be there for her while she is in Nursing school…..I still love her very much, and if I have a snowball's chance in hell with us getting back together, I want to know I was there for her when she needed it most… But, again as always seemed to be the case, I would drag her into conversations about us and future and frustrate her and myself. So, she said we needed to take a week and stop contact. We did and by Saturday, with the help of friends and family, I was doing great…on Sunday, she called and left a message…I did not call..trying to be strong…she called a second time and I did not answer…by Monday morning, she was calling at my work…she said she was worried about me and it was just weird I was not calling…So I shot her an email that I could not call and would not be able to have contact until maybe sometime in the new year….i informed her of the damage I was causing myself by sticking around in the relationship….she shot an email to my sister who called me and read it to me that Monday…she said in her email it was therapy to write her. She basically wrote to tell her how much she liked my family and missed them and sorry it did not work out….etc….by that evening….i got weak and decided to visit her at her new place…she let me in and told me how she was so upset with the email that she was vomiting and crying…we started talking again…still broken up though… After a series of great times together (no sex) and our monthly crap discussion about us that is set off by me due to something that triggered it, I recently had to take a stand and tell her I could not stay in her life as long as I continued to have strong feelings for her. She said fine and told me it would be easier this time…for her I am sure…. Currently, she has some of my things and visa versa….I have some things (baseballs signed) from her mom I am having authenticated and will sell on ebay…she has a rug, computer, microwave of mine…. come xmas…I hope to have a check for her mom and send Tori a gift for xmas through her sister….This will be the only form of contact until I am ready to try and have that friendship she seeks. I worry myself to death some days and others I am mostly ok……She will be done with the program in a year, should I wait until then to contact her? Do I stick with my word and help her while she is in nursing school (it will be tough in that school)..Do I call her back if she calls?….Do you think she is just using me for the things I offer her?…I really don't want to be out of her life 100% for good because I don't want to lose touch with her emotionally? What if she meets some other guy to connect with since I am not around? She is 26 and entering her first real career move with nursing school and it is very important to her to succeed with school and I more then understand that, because that is why I did my best to continue to be there with her and help her…I love her and due to all the carrots and possibilities she put out there that we may try again….One of the last things she said to me was never say never (I told her I was beginning to think we would never get back together)………and she said we are not going to get back together unless she feels it will work out…..(and with the stresses of school, she can't work on it now and I understand that)….but she does not want me to wait around for her she says…so confused!!!! There is one more issue here….we have about 99% the same friends. We will end up seeing each other out most likely….what to do and how to act. I love her so much and she has told me she is confused too…
  17. Abbreviation table for newcomers: NC = No Contact (when you don't contact the other person at all costs) LC = Low Contact (when you only talk about things you really need to, but happens often) BU = BreakUp eNA = eNotAlone (this forum) It's long, but I'm trying to cover a lot as to make more people identify with my story and find some closure. I (31M) just broke up (well, I'm the dumpee...) with my wife (31F). Yesterday marked the 3rd week of our breakup. For the first week, as I was absolutely desperate, I went to the "let's beg" road and tried many times to get back together, which she refused profusely and on the 3rd and last attempt she was kinda pissed. But we talked things through and are in good terms, I'm even helping her sell something that was ours but we don't want to keep. Now I'm in LC as we still need to sort some things out. I won't be able to go full NC yet, but I hope to go soon. She is a stubborn, emotional, independent and decided woman, but caring sometimes. We had a relationship of a bit more than 4 years, being married for only 9 months, and we married in Japan, just the two of us, a truly romantic experience. We had an AMAZING time, we moved together within the first month of our relationship and everything was perfect. But from about 2 years ago I started vanishing from the relationship, I didn't mean it, it just happened, and she was the one doing most of the work to keep us together. I did do some things, but she was the one doing the heavy lifting. I have a growing development company and it took most of my time within these 2 past years, and on top of that I also created some sort of personal-cave, isolating myself from everyone, including her, and didn't want to go out often, was playing computer games for many hours, eating junk food all the time and lost most of my social circle due to this isolation. I think I was in a kind of depression during this period, as I wasn't the same person that when we started dating and didn't have the same energy as before. Also worth noting that since we started dating I got around 55 extra pounds (25kg). As I was in "isolation mode", she also started creating her own routines without me, going out with colleagues and friends*, adding lots of activities throughout the day (singing classes, gym ...) and so on. * I have absolutely no reason to believe she was cheating on me and we are VERY transparent to each other, if she was indeed cheating I'm sure she would regret and tell me, as I did when we had 5 days of being together (and not officialy in a relationship). I was heartbroken and we were apart for about a week, but she forgave me. So, for the past 2 years, things started gradually fading (imagine that boiling frog fable) and I only noticed it was really bad about 4 months ago. During the first year of our relationship, we had sex I'd say at least once a day, but, as our relationship, this was also fading. During the past year we only had sex let's say once a month tops. I'm bringing up the sex subject as this is a great cause of issues in a relationship. I was to blame for this, or at least that's what she implied. "You don't come looking for sex" was something she would say. She knew both parties can look for sex, that's not a male-only role, and she had done it a good amount of times before. But she did complain about my "lack of desire" for one or two times, which I did nothing but say I'd look for help. On the third time she complained, about 3 months ago, I went looking for a psychiatrist specialized in this subject. He didn't help at all, sex wasn't the main issue anymore, as the relationship had already took a fatal hit. And I'm not even sure why sex was an issue, I still desired her, just didn't go looking for it (and she also didn't). Maybe I was too comfortable in this relationship to a point where I was very lazy? She also would usually say "you should love yourself as I love you", which I didn't understand at the time (again, boiling frog fable). I was really a disaster on myself for the past 2 years, and it intensified within the past 18 months. Don't take me wrong here, I wasn't really prostrated and couldn't function at all, that wasn't the case. Professionaly I was (still am) doing great and my company is quite healthy. But my personal identity, dreams and desires had basically vanished. During our last 6 weeks together, I tried a little harder to leave my "personal-cave" behind. Was going out more often, and was truly becoming myself again and enjoying it aside her. It was too late. On a Friday the 13th (yep...), last month, she finally said she "couldn't try our relationship anymore", and dropped the bomb: "I love you a lot but I'm not in love with you". She was confused and scared and we cried heaps, but she decided it was time for us to part ways. She didn't come to a conclusion whether this was a definitive break or just a timeout. But I'm positive she wants to live her own life now and sort what she feels for me, indefinitely. I guess one of the last drops in the bucket was about 2 months before our breakup, when she went on an international trip with her mother and, she told me after we broke up, she didn't miss me for the week they were traveling, like she didn't even think of me sharing the travel experiences with her. So she kinda saw me as a friend, a brother, and not a spouse anymore. This is not my first rodeo, I broke up twice before, one of them was a 7 year long relationship, but no other breakups hit me so hard as this one. I had many ups and downs these past weeks, Christmas and New Year's are very hard dates to go through on a fresh breakup. The pain comes and goes. But I'm writing this as a give back, as yesterday I came around eNA and read many things that really lifted my spirit. Most of the messages are very positive and guide you to a "be a better you" mood. And I'm 100% sure our breakup was a great thing actually, it's time for the both of us to learn and improve ourselves. Maybe we can get back together in the near (or not so near) future. I started going to the gym the next few days after we broke up and I'm eating healthier on a strict diet since... already lost almost 10 pounds! I fit into lots of clothes now :) When we were together, she said I didn't want to participate in our house decorations, but now I'm looking forward to furnish my new apartment. :) Although the ups and downs really hit hard sometimes, I'm not letting my real "me" vanish again. I'm starting many different activities (dance classes, guitar classes ...) and focusing on my body and health through gym, functional training and consuming healthier food. All this to rediscover myself. If we don't come back together (I hope we do), at least my next relationship will greatly benefit from my new me. Just a footnote: I'm 3 weeks into our breakup and, althought my text above has a positive mood, I still have mood swings, really bad ones sometimes. But friends, family and eNA GREATLY help. If you, as me, are in this rollercoaster of emotions, you will get through. Keep reading more topics here and improving yourself. :)
  18. Thank you for listening. Here’s the deal... I am 25 years old, a full time college student and work part time while living with my parents (rent in California is ridiculous.) My boyfriend is 34, he works in politics and lives on his own. When we had been dating for 10 months he told me he wanted me to move in with him. I was beyond thrilled that he wanted to take that step with me. He seemed really genuine. He lives an hour and 30 minutes away from me, so I started to apply for jobs in his area. One month before our set move in date he told me he changed his mind, and I was crushed. I told my family, friends and employer about my plans to move. It put so much strain on our relationship that three months later he broke up with me. He could tell I resented him and we argued a lot. One week later after talking it through we got back together, and are doing well now. I am sure I sound childish and overly dramatic, but I couldn’t help how heart broken I felt when he changed his mind after I spent months preparing for the move I was so excited about. I had never had a boyfriend commit to me in that way before, and when he basically said just kidding, it crushed me. He’s lived with previous girlfriends before, so it made me wonder if there’s something wrong with me to make him change his mind like that after making me believe it’s what he wanted for months. Do you have any advice on how to help me get past it? I still think about it frequently and I know that’s not healthy. Thank you.
  19. Just wanted to share my story and get some insight from people here. My bf and I had to break up because of his family's disapproval. Unlike most other stories, the disapproval was not really personal to me. We had been dating many months now, and he's honestly the most compatible partner I have ever met in my life. We align in almost every single way, and in just the first few months, we had reached the sort of levels people usually reach after a year or 2. I've had several relationships in the past, but none of my other exes even come close in terms of compatibility and the love I felt for him. The family's disapproval stems from the fact that he had been cheated on in his past relationships, and they feel he isn't ready for a relationship, nor trust his judgment of character and anyone he meets. He's in his mid-20s mind you (I'm a little older), and very much an adult who should be able to make his own decisions about his life. But they objected so strongly to the fact that he's in a relationship they think he isn't ready for, that they threatened to disown him. Now his family isn't the greatest, they're stubborn and judgmental and have never been a tight nor supportive family unit. They usually don't give a crap about each other's lives, but this one time, they all decided to meddle. He doesn't live with the family btw, but very near to his bro. His bro came around when I was over one day, and he decided to tell the bro he was in a serious relationship and that's when the whole drama started and all other family members were brought in. It honestly pissed me off because they didn't even give us a chance. Not even a chance to try to get to know me before they decided. And the irony of it all is, I have a very strong stance on cheating and unfaithfulness, and I would never even think about cheating on him. He didn't have the mental strength to fight them, because the fear of getting disowned and not having family constantly got to him. Even if they were a crappy family, they were still his family. It did upset me and broke my heart that he didn't fight for even a chance with me, but at the same time, I understand how scary it can be when the threat of being disowned looms over the relationship. We've since decided to stay friends and still talk every day, just without the lovey dovey stuff, but it's been difficult when feelings are so strong. This was the only strategy we could think of to even have a chance of being together in the future. And it's only a chance since we don't know if the family will ever let him live his own life or allow us to get back together. It's only been a few days but I've been bouncing between heartache and apathy. It's not easy for him either, because he does want to be with me and if not for this, we would still be very happy together. I just hate that it's become so uncertain... will we ever be together again, and if not, will I ever meet or love another person so compatible with me? We've decided to wait it out together, as friends, and hope we can eventually be together again. But there seems to be no end in sight at the moment. If anyone has any similar stories to share, and how you coped, or any insight into this, feel free to share.
  20. She reached out, she didn't want to get back together, she married the other guy pretty soon after. So how the heck is this a happy ending??? Just thought you guys want to know what's it like on the other end of the tunnel, since not many who have moved on really come back to tell their stories. Now this is my experience, mind you, take what is useful, discard what's not. Soon after the faithful "reach out" that we all wait for, I was crushed. I thought I had done everything right from the No-Contact rule book. I didn't call her, text her, contact her, cyberstalk her whatsoever for about a half a year. Only to get the "I miss you, but I love the other guy, shpeal." It sucked, It sucked hard, (and not in a good way.) I think I spent the next couple months just bawling to be honest. Just self-indulging myself. I ate, slept, worked. I hung out with friends, tried to spruce up the style. Tried to date, but it's sort of hard when you're an empty shell. So what happened? One day working my job that I hated (albeit it was well paying) I was like it, I'm joining the Army. Now mind you I was over 30 at this point so this has gotta be the world's worse mid-life crisis 10 years too early. I went to my recruiter's office and tried to enlist. NOW, before you think I'm going to tell you to join the military (albeit, we need people right now) that is NOT what I'm suggesting. Especially if you think being in uniform will get your mate back. It won't. Furthermore if you go to basic training with that type of baggage, there's a good chance you'll probably wash out (We had one wash out because of her ex as well). For me, the military was always something I thought about and admired throughout my 20s, So I already had an interest, I just never acted on it. Buuuuuuut... My recruiter said I was too fat to join, especially if I was trying to be an officer. So after 4 cheeseburgers and a milk shake I hobbled down to a crossfit gym and started working out. Let's just say, it's not pretty going from a couch potato to a gym nut overnight. And the result were slow (I love food too much). Then my recruiter said I was too slow, so I ran 2 miles every day too to get my time down. For about one year I would hit the gym right after work, followed by a 2 mile run every night. I was motivated, I had a goal. For once, I was thinking about something else other than women, and my general loneliness. I still socialized on the weekend, partied, but not as hard, since alcohol and gains don't mix, not just in calories but also just how ty I'd feel on mondays. I also noted the ladies were getting friendlier, but at this point, I didn't care. All I wanted to do was enlist, and all my time was either spent working, or working out. Finally about a year of hard work, and about 20 pounds lost. My recruiter finally gave me a go to go to Fort Benning. He proudly shook my hand and said, "I honestly didn't think you'd do it, but if there's anyone I'd want as an officer, I'm glad you're going." I had a going away party before I left, and it was bittersweet. Then, about 10 weeks of Basic Training followed by 12 weeks of OCS. It sucked, I started realizing how good on the civilian side. Suddenly all that ing about being single and alone, and missing my ex felt stupid. You have a lot of come to Jesus moments when people are yelling at you and you're sleeping in dirt Fortunately I enlisted as a reservist so after 5 long months, I got to return home as a brand spanking new 2nd Lieutenant. My friends couldn't be happier. We had a celebration for my return. Now I didn't feel any different mind you, despite what everyone said, I will say I was more indifferent to a lot of BS. About two weeks from my return home, I made out with one of crushes. She was hesitant, for anything afterwards considering our age difference (I was in my 30s, she had just turned 21.) And just like in all those no-contact courses, I was like, "look, it's cool if you don't want to, just lemme know if you change your mind." Now at this point I meant it. The way I looked at it, I knew I was an amazing catch being financially well off, with a little warrior streak (hooah!) And gosh darn it people like me! Fast-forward, we've currently been dating for over a year at this point. I've never seen a girl so madly in love before. Sometimes I think I need to teach her about Craig Kenneth's attachment theory, cause she definitely is an anxious type. So in Summary what is this story trying to convey? Do the work, learn about relationships, your insecurities, and your triggers, learn how to cope, and self-soothe, it comes in handy. Seeing a counselor helps tremendously. But please oh please don't throw out too much cash for those breakup coaches. Find your purpose in your life, what gets you excited to get out of bed. If it's a career change do that. If it's a new hobby or traveling do that. Find something that defines your life that isn't romance. Romance comes as a reward to character, but like a bonus check it comes when you least expect it. Socialize. One of the biggest advantages I had, was I already had a decent community around me being a dancer for over 10 years. If you don't have something like that, now's the time to find something like that. Hobbies, do something new to fill in the space you feel like you're missing. Be the best version you can be, because ultimately that's the only way to really win in "no-contact." No I didn't get back together with my ex. She seems happily married from when I checked her Facebook a year ago. I'm honestly happy she's found what she wanted, just like I'm very happy with my current sweetie. And isn't that what it's all about? If you truly love someone, shouldn't they just be happy, regardless of whether they're with you or not? I hope this helps, feel free to PM if you have any questions. I don't spend too much time here nowadays, but I do visit time to time.
  21. Hi folks. I'm a newbie - here because I need some outside perspectives with something I'm finding really hard. I was married a few years ago.. no kids or anything, so when we split it was a very clean cut. He's out of my life permanently, and I stepped away from his family and some mutual friends in order to achieve this (which hurt, but it was the right thing for me). I'm free as a bird and although I had to make a few difficult choices along the way, I'm happy with my choices and the space it gives me to pursue something new. I've now met a really lovely man who I adore - but his circumstances are pretty much the exact opposite of mine. This man still lives with his ex - not for financial reasons, or because they can't get out of a lease, or anything like that... it's because they're close, enjoy living together, and have no plans to make any changes to their living arrangement ever. They broke up earlier this year, and his ex started seeing someone new (a female) straight after the split. There's no chance of them getting back together and he keeps reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about and he has no feelings for her... I believe him, but holy hell I'm finding his living arrangements hard to cope with. It's not just the living arrangements either... their lives are intertwined, so they still act like a couple. They'll go out shopping for the day together, looking for new clothes. When they go grocery shopping they do it together. They holiday together and share a tent. They'll meet other couple friends for dinner and sit there as a cozy foursome. She'll visit him at work and bring him a coffee. They still have the same social circle and everyone adores this girl, so there's no aspect of his life that she's not a part of. Half of their friends/family don't even know they've broken up. He gets weird about answering questions given the sensitivity around her now being with a woman - he feels like it's not his news to share, which I do on some level understand. It's just awkward AF when we bump into someone he knows who still thinks he's in a relationship and doesn't understand why he's alone with a different girl. He doesn't correct them, and I've received some pretty dirty looks as a result, which has been zero fun. On one hand I feel like I'm being immature and needy that this bothers me so much, given his assurance that they're never getting back together... but on the other hand this whole thing makes me feel sad and insecure, and like I don't fit anywhere. I feel like I'm his dirty side piece, even though I'm the one he's dating. I feel like there's zero chance of me being able to integrate into his life while things are like this, but I'd never ask him to make changes - it's the kind of decision he needs to make for himself, not for me. I can't challenge their dynamic, because he considers this girl family, when all of his other family are overseas. It makes me feel like a jerk for being so insecure about things. How can I stop feeling like this girl is sitting in my seat? He thinks it would help both her and me if we met, but honestly I think that will just make me feel so much worse. How would you guys feel? Am I being childish and petty and held back by my own insecurities, or is it fair to feel really really uncomfortable with these circumstances? I feel like I can't even ask him 'what did you get up to today?' without feeling hurt by the answer. He's the first person I've had feelings for in years and when it's just us things are really so wonderful... it's just everything outside of the 'us' that sucks. Would you stick with it, or would you run for the hills? Help. Please :(
  22. I'm after some advice, but guess I need to tell my story first. Thank you for anyone who makes it to the end. My ex and I met each other travelling around New Zealand, she's from Germany, I'm from the UK. It was such a magical time, this incredibly kind and special person falling in love with me, as we were both falling in love with our surroundings. I've never met someone so honest and pure, she cannot not lie and see's things so positively. She changed my whole perspective on the world, from eating chicken hearts because it was the cheapest meat at the supermarket, to going vegan over night. I changed her perspective on the world too, on what's important, to not listen to other people's instructions on life, but to do what you love and what you want to do so you have no regrets, hence why she stayed in New Zealand instead of going home 4 weeks after we met to study as her family expected/wanted, then to get a job, house etc. etc. We grew so much together for the year and half we were together, eventually going to Australia for 7 weeks before Covid ruined everything. We ended up flying back to my family home in the UK (on extremely over-priced plane tickets I'm still trying to pay back) to tide ourselves over until Covid disappeared so we could continue travelling.. obviously this didn't happen. Instead she went back to Germany for a while, then came back to the UK to visit, I then visited her for a few weeks too. But when I returned, she broke up with me. This wasn't completely unexpected though.. Sometimes it felt like we were on complete different pages, no matter how similar our morals or ways of life were. It was sometimes down to communication, which I blamed on the language barrier, but I don't think this is 100% true. She speaks incredible English, but naturally sometimes things translate differently so we can get our wires crossed. Neither of us are angry, selfish or unfair people, we had an incredibly deep relationship, we always said nobody else understood us the way we understood each other. She was my best friend. We broke up in Australia at the beginning of the year, about a year into our relationship, it was mutual but the most painful experience I've ever gone through. After the break up she went to meet up with her best friend who came over from Germany a few weeks prior. I felt abandoned, alone, I stayed in an outhouse for four days not eating a thing that whole time. I cried uncontrollably every 10/15 minutes for four days, the only thing that could stop was looking deep into my eyes in the mirror (I feel like it connects you to a human that way). I had many anxiety attacks which I had never experienced or ever thought I'd get as I always considered myself quite a mentally strong person. I've never properly over a breakup before. I used a forum similar to this but more about preventing suicide which didn't help too much, I was in pieces. Everything I looked at reminded me of her, we'd been through so much together and I didn't know where to turn. Speaking to family eventually on day 4 got me to eat, breathe and understand what I had to do. I had to fly to another part of Australia and start again. I told my ex that I needed my external hardrive she had before I could leave. She then had an emotional meltdown as she didn't think I'd actually leave, she thought we would eventually get back together she just wanted some time apart. She was truly hurt and her friend told me privately that she is totally in love with me and wants to get back together, but after everything I went through I was so confused. But of course, I was in love with this girl, so we got back together and things were back to normal soon enough. When I was visiting her in Germany after we came back to Europe we connected deeply on many topics, childhood, friend circles, understanding culture, exploring childhood towns, meeting family, it was great. But at the same time we had a couple of really bad times emotionally, nearly breaking up. We never shouted, it's more pain & feeling hurt. At the end of the trip to Germany, I felt like although we had some bad times, I felt a lot closer to her as I understood her motives and reasons behind some things I used to blame on other things. Unfortunately, she waited for a good time when I got back to the UK, and then called me to let me know we could no longer be together. She wanted me to get therapy, and to find myself again. She had recently started to go to therapy too, not just because of us, but other childhood things too. Of course, I was hurt, and memories of the four days in Australia came back, I reached those extreme points many times, but was in the comfort of my home and could meet friends so did not need any forums. She was also distraught, but she had a goal, and it was to find herself again, which I respected. After this, we decided a no contact rule to help us move on, which definitely helps! But of course, things happen, a show comes on, a bird sings, a song plays, a memory pops up, a phrase is said, an empty bed, the broken dreams we had together... etc etc. Over the next few weeks we both had weak points where we needed each other's voice to calm ourselves down. This really was a messy ending, because we wanted our relationship to work more than anything, it just wasn't. Eventually some weeks past, and I felt a lot more alive than before, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then she contacted me again, but this time I told her that contacting isn't helping either of us. She told me she loved me, she told me she hears my voice, smells me, wants me etc. This is the girl that I still wanted grow old with, that I loved dearly, but I really tried listening to my head instead of my heart and did not say anything like that back to her, I knew it would help her in the long run if I stuck to my guns. Eventually she said "I could never imagine you with anyone else", to which I said "I can". This broke her heart, I felt it over the phone, gone, blocked, no contact. I felt bad after a day and emailed her saying I'm sorry for what I said, and that I didn't believe it, but I told her I couldn't agree to those things or it will make things worse. She never replied, still hasn't. Two months pass and I was looking at the blocked people I had on my Instagram. I saw her and got too tempted so pressed on her page and saw that she's moved to a town in the UK in her Instagram description?!? (I wish I never looked). She always said she loved the UK and hated Germany, so I'm not surprised she moved here just to be happy, but it's really screwed me up. Is she trying to be close to me again? Surely not? I no longer suppressed my emotions for her, and everything flooded back to the top. It's been two weeks since I looked at her Instagram bio, and I've written, rewritten and edited an email to her about 40 times. I finish work at 5pm, and sometimes end up sitting there still thinking about pressing send until 8/9pm. I've spent so many evenings thinking what to do. I'm ruining my evenings, my weekends, my free time. I've shed many tears these last two weeks, sometimes when I'm putting food in the oven, sometimes just after laughing at a funny video, sometimes going for a walk, I can't control it. I've been close to pressing send twice, but always think that it could completely destroy her, like it's doing to me. I wasn't meant to see that she's in the UK remember, I'm blocked from everything (although you can't block emails), so feel bad. I'm also not sure that it's the right thing to do, do I potentially start up a relationship that has already proven not to work? But it DID work, for so long, we have such a strong deep connection? I feel like I understand a lot more than I did before, but am I the right person for her? Is she the right person for me? I'm definitely still in love with her, but are we meant to be with each other? It's such a huge decision to make, but I want to decide now so I don't waste any more time. It's been 2 horrendous weeks. Christmas is coming up and I don't want to ruin it for either of us, so sending the email now will let things calm down well before then. I can't feel like this until the new year, so waiting until 2021 is not an option. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know some simple questions I can ask myself to make this easier? I do feel like no matter what, I will end up sending something to her :( If she was in Germany this would be so much easier, but she's on my Island! I could drive to her :( Everything i've read online basically says if you get broken up with, don't break the no contact rule. But our story isn't as simple as that, she was the last to confess her love for me. Gah this is so hard. Any advice? Or further things I could say that could help someone give me advice? Thanks for making it to the end if you did. I know people have a lot bigger problems to worry about, and a lot tougher relationships and breakups, so feel kind of guilty with my story, but I don't know where else to turn
  23. Hi All - keen to get some advice from you wise people. Like everyone else, there is a bit of a story so strap in. Background I am 38 years old and started dating X in August 2018, four months after I ended a four year emotionally abusive relationship. She is an amazing girl and while I knew it at the time, I wasn't ready for what she wanted. Over the next seven months, I broke up with her and got back together three times. I always saw potential with her and with us that I didn't want to let go of, which is why I kept coming back but I just felt emotionally blunt every time I went back and I couldn't give her what she wanted, needed and deserved. Ultimately, I hadn't yet completely processed my previous relationship enough to be ready for her. After that last break up I thought to myself that I just needed a bit more time and then I would be ready for her emotionally. I saw her 2 months later (May, 2019) at a friend's birthday and felt ready to open up to her and tell her I wanted to be 'all in' with her but she told me that she had just started dating someone a few weeks before. This of course made me want her even more - I had realised that I was on the verge of losing the most amazing woman I had ever met and was ready to fight for her. She was not over me either but she saw potential in the new guy too and didn't know what to do, especially as I had continuously let her down for the previous 9 months. There has always been incredible chemistry between us and over the next few months we hooked up a number of times (no sex) while she was still dating the other guy. I am not proud of my role in this and she is not the type of girl who would typically do anything like this to someone else either, but the chemistry was just too hard to ignore - we have always been drawn to each other. During this time, she also sent me intense letters and texts which told of her strong feelings for me and her confusion about how things had played out but she continued to date the other guy. While she was constantly on my mind and I had never wanted anything more, for the most part there was no contact between us between September 2019 and January 1, 2020 when she sent me a Happy New Year text message. Her boyfriend had turned out to be abusive and horrible and upon arriving back from a holiday with him in February 2020, she broke up with him. She said she couldn't stop thinking about me and on February 13 2020, she came to me and said she wanted to give us another shot. All the pain and sleepless nights of the previous nine months seemed to be worth it. Everything was incredible for two months and then out of the blue, she said that she wasn't sure about us. But she wasn't certain if the problem was because of where she was at in her life or if it was a problem between her and I. She broke up with me to try sort it out. Then two weeks later she dropped off a present for my birthday and didn't leave my apartment for four days. It was a truly incredible time and I was the happiest I have ever been. I told her though that I wouldn't take her back unless she was 'all in'. Still unsure, she left my apartment and things were again uncertain. A week later she organised a courier to drop off a massive box with all of my favourite things inside, with a note that expressed everything I had been wanting to hear from her - the most beautiful note about how much she loves me, with the heading "I'M ALL IN." Again, I was on top of the world and things were amazing for two months. I then asked her if she would meet my parents. This turned into a very unexpected, heated conversation which led to her saying that she wasn't ready to meet them and that "she loves me but she is not in love with me". That old chestnut. I was completely blindsided. She said that she thought her feelings should be stronger for me at this stage in her life - she is 31 and very concerned about her body clock. A bit hysterical about it actually. While she said that she didn't know "if we could come back from this conversation" I said to her that given what we had been through and that it had only been a few weeks since we got back together, she needed to give herself more time to explore this. And she agreed. At this point I decided to back off completely and not put any pressure on her. I did not want to be demanding because I thought that perhaps I had been too intense and that with time, she would eventually realise the incredible relationship we have and I wanted her to realise this organically. She was right though - in a self fulfilling prophecy way - we couldn't come back from that earlier conversation and two and half months later (August 31, 2020), she woke up on a Sunday and said again that she thinks her feelings should be stronger than what they are (more below) and she ended it again. I do not believe I was needy at all during these months. I feel that because of her body clock, she has put huge amounts of pressure on herself to "feel what she is supposed to feel" that she pressured herself out of the relationship and never let herself organically grow into the relationship. She went from the bells and whistles of saying she was "ALL IN" to not being sure in a matter of weeks. It's just very confusing to me. Meanwhile, I have never been more certain about anything in my life. What was said during the breakup She said to me that I was her best friend, that I tick all of the boxes and that I was the best boyfriend that she had ever had. But she said that it often felt platonic and at times she felt there was no chemistry. No chemistry!? This was truly alarming to hear because of the chemistry that we had always had and because I have always thought that we have had the best sex I have ever had with anyone (the sex never stopped up until the end). And we get along like a house on fire! We don't fight, provide support for each other and are incredibly compatible. To me everything makes sense and just falls into place. They say "when you know, you know" and after decades of dating the wrong women, I KNOW! We're on the same page about everything (except being together..), have similar interests and we have the same values. I just don't get it! I had noticed that she was not very affectionate in that last two and a half months nor was she vulnerable or open with her feelings but she has always had trouble opening up and I thought that she was just not as affectionate as me and that everything would come in time so I accepted it (and also didn't want to bring it up to rock the boat after our last chat....). On the day that we broke up, she couldn't keep her hands off me. She was crying hysterically, something that is also very out of character for her. And the eyes she looked at me with for that entire day - it was long break up - were definitely not platonic eyes. They were eyes that were full of pain and doubt. She said that she would like to keep in touch but I said very firmly that I didn't want contact if we weren't together and that I needed to move on. What has happened since. There has been no contact since this happened on 31 August. I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I know what I am worth and I am not going to beg her to come back. I know of course that that begging wouldn't work anyway. I just feel that with time away from me without any contact, she will realise what she has lost. Given our history I just don't feel like this is over. It almost feels like this is the last leg in our journey. Am I delusional? I just don't understand what has happened and how she could have lost attraction for me. I wasn't needy, she agrees that I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and that I am her best friend. What is she looking for? Any advice and thought on if this is going to work out or not, would be really appreciated.
  24. keshi

    Help!

    Hello! Need advice, and dont know who to turn to. I dated my ex for almost two years. During the relationship, we broke up a few times, and had frequent fights. These fights 99% of the time pertained to one thing- other girls. He never cheated on me in the sense that he physically got intimate with other girls, but he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them. When I saw this, I broke up with him last fall, but we got back together about a month later. Other than these fights, we had a really good relationship. We were best friends, did everything together, and we were genuinely inlove. He was always known as a guy with not much emotion, but everyone said he changed a lot after he started dating me, and I saw it too. I also think it might be important to share we are both sophomores in college (and 20-something guys are stupid). He goes to college in my hometown and I am here because of Covid. We were best friends since freshman year of highschool and started dating senior year of high school. I got very close with his family, and him with mine. When we broke up last fall, there was one girl that he was "friends" with who he spoke and hung-out with a lot. When we got back together, he had posted a picture for thanksgiving of us together. I commented "I love you" and this girl liked the comment. So....weird. This girl was working at a job he just got, and he hid that from me. When I found out, I obviously was very upset which turned into a huge argument. He then broke up with me, and said he knew he would never hear the end of it, and that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship anymore. He kept saying that he, "wasn't ready for marriage". This was around mid august. He blocked me on social media and my number. Eventually after a few weeks, he unblocked my number and my snapchat, but kept my instagram blocked. Since then, there have been a few text exchanges. The night he unblocked me, he drunk texted me and told me he missed me. A few days after that, I lost my cool and yelled at him and used very strong language over text after I saw all the girls (and some of my old friends) that he followed on instagram (I used a different account that he didn't block to look). A week or two after that, I sent a long message asking for an explanation as to why our relationship ended up the way it did, and he said he was happier now, and didn't want to commit to a relationship anymore. This is where the mixed signals come in. I still have him on spotify, and he has a new playlist thats filled with songs that are obviously about us breaking up, they're about heartbreak, losing the one you love, etc. Some of them, are a few of the songs we use to listen to together. I mean, it's OBVIOUSLY an "I miss my ex" kinda playlist. Along with this, he ALWAYS watches my snapchat stories 5-15 minutes after I post them. So, this has me confused. Why is he keeping tabs and being sad if he said he was happier without me?And what was with the drunk text a month ago? I work a few doors down from him, and he walks by atleast 3 times a day (he has to for work, its not voluntary to see me). Everytime he walks past, we make eye contact and he gives me a strange look. A look that says "I love you" but also not. I cant read his face, and I just have given up by now. If he missed me and wanted me back, I know he would text or do something about it. But he can be stubborn and maybe doesn't want to say anything at all in hopes he can move on. I dont want to text him first, because I want him to know Im not a puppy dog at his feet. I haven't said anything for a few weeks now, and I'v been posting me doing fun stuff on my snapchat, but that hasn't made him want me back yet. Or text me. Or try to talk to me. Its so frustrating! Why wont he text me? It's beginning to be a long time since our breakup, and I'm afraid he wont come back or want me again soon. I want him to text me, and tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. What should I do? Best, Keshi
  25. First of all, excuse me for any mistake in English, it is not my official language. Anyway, I would like to "receive" some advice. Well, I (20M) met a woman (24F) in the last year at college. And we understood each other very well, we were having something like a serious relationship, although not "officially". I liked her a lot. And she felt exactly the same. In other words, here it was a happy story (haha). But, because of some old relationships that I had, I acquired some "fears", like serious relationship phobia. Because of that, we only made things official at the beginning of this year. We always saw each other, but with COVID, I ended up coming to my hometown, and she to hers. We kept in touch, obviously, and everything was fine. On my birthday, she gave the idea of coming to my city, to see me, but as I am very stupid, I told her not to do that (I would never forgive myself if she got COVID because of me). Then, a month later, she just broke up (practically a year and a half of relationship). And with that, she exposed some things that I had never touched myself: that I had been selfish at times in the relationship, acted coldly, and so on. And, looking back, I agree. She always said that she doesn't keep in touch with any exes, just age as if they didn't exist. But for some reason, we kept in touch and kept talking. However, I was totally unsure about us and totally wrong (trying to get her back). So I ended up pushing her away and she ended up moving away from me. I started an NC to calm myself down (however, she deleted me from FB and stopped following me on Instagram. Here, whatsapp is quite "important", but in this app she didn't block me or anything). Continuing, after about three weeks, I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more. That the things I learned, I must use for the next people I will meet. Anyway, I love her. And I really wanted to try to get back with her again. And (a very strong trait of mine) I feel very guilty. And now, there's not much I can do (I believe). But, I don't know, I'm exposing it because I wanted to know what other people think about it, and also if there is any kind of hope. Next year, we'll see each other again, I read a lot about "it's about time", but, hahaha, it's horrible to want to talk to someone, see someone and not be able. But, for those who have read this far, excuse me for the long text (and the errors), there are more details, but I believe that is enough.
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