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  1. My husband claims that his worst nightmare would be more me to leave him. He admitted this through tears during our first session of couple's counseling, which he hesitantly attended at my behest after I'd gotten fed up with his behaviors for the umpteenth time. Apparently one session was enough for him, because he would not go back. We've been together for 11 years, married for 4. I'm in my late 20s. He's in his early 30s. I don't need to go on and on about how much I love him, how great he is when he isn't being 'like that' etc. I'm sure most of you have heard it all a dozen times. But I will say this - Marriage is not an institution I'd go frivolously into and it's not one I'd leave unless there was literally no other option. But goddamn if he hasn't had me considering serving those papers at least once a month. He was my forth serious boyfriend. I was his second girlfriend ever. The problems didn't really start until around 2 years into our exclusivity. He'd tell me often that 'he wasn't like this before' and that only I could make him this jealous. I never found it flattering, but then again I don't think he ever intended for it to be. Ever since then we've fallen into a cycle, fueled by his fragile ego and inability to work on himself. My husband has good qualities. Lots of them. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't, but they've all become steadily overshadowed by the giant raincloud of self-hatred. Defeatism and fatalism. It's so odd, he's like a pendulum that swings between deep loathing for himself and an almost narcissistic grandiosity. He convinces himself that he's entitled to things he didn't work for, but once he realizes it he flagellates himself until he's mental gore. And I'm expected to whip out the mop and hot cocoa to clean up his mess and soothe his soul. Because that's what I'm supposed to be, right? His therapist. His sexy therapist. There is to sitting down and thinking things through with this man. If he thinks it, it is true. He doesn't grasp the reality of Thoughts and Feelings =/= Fact. Any and all thoughts, so long as they're negative, are true and that's the end of the story. He believes himself to be repulsive and impossible to love? Guess what, I get punished for it. Without even talking to me, he assumes that I look at him with 'disgust' in my eyes, and that I'd sooner run to another woman or a fictional character just to be away from him. When I feel insecure about my body, then it means I do not want to share myself sexually with him, therefore I hate him. If I don't memorize the minutia of his hobby, then that means I find him a pathetic manchild who needs to grow up. So on and so forth. You get the idea. There is no winning with this man. And I know there shouldn't be any 'winning', since this isn't a competition... But you know what I mean. Nothing I do is ever enough. There are always caveats and stipulations. And when I'm lacking, it means I hate my husband. Of course, I know that's not true. I know I love my husband. And deep down he knows I do as well... But he needs a scapegoat. An out. He needs something to project feelings he can handle onto. That person is me, since we're the closest and all. I just... I feel so overwhelmed. Whenever I bring up separation or divorce he goes on the defensive, calling me out for wanting to 'abandon our vows' and give up on him so easily. But, he must know this has been years and years in the making, right? I can't spend the last bastion of my youth with some sad sack that blames all of his failings on me. I've tried to help him in the past, but there's only so much I can do as an outside entity. I'm his wife. Not his therapist, mother, security blanket or teacher. When I felt I had problems that needed to get sorted and addressed I seeked out a therapist. 5 years later, I graduated from said therapy and walked out a significantly more stable person. He was there the entire way to watch me transform in real time, yet he absolutely refuses any sort of mental health counseling himself. I haven't given him the 'therapy or I leave' ultimatum, since ultimatums are unfair... But Dear Lord am I close to it. I want this to work out, and I know he does too. We both want to start a family, but I told him that I am not procreating with a man who can't regulate his emotions or take responsibility for his actions. Of course, that sent him into a downswing but at this point I don't care. He's hellbent on dragging me down into depression with him and I fought tooth and nail to climb out. I am not going to be his miserable company. That said, I would want to understand him better.
  2. What do you think depression is like? Depression is different from grief or sadness. Grief and sadness come in waves, and generally, you, your self-image, and your worth remain intact. However, depression erodes your self-worth until it is crumbling beneath your feet. To bring more awareness about depression, here a few common signs most people with depression have.
  3. I posted a previous question on here a few months ago. Shortly after, my boyfriend (28) and I (34F) had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both. He agreed and said he would finally get help (he's been depressed and has had PTSD for over a year), and that he wanted to remain friends because he didnt want to lose me and he cares about me so much. I agreed. I have an immense amount of compassion for him because I KNOW this is not who he is. The feelings he has about this past situation that happened to him are controlling his life and he even admittedly will tell me that if those things didnt happen to him, that EVERYTHING would be different with us. And that he knows its why his life is the way it is. Well, he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend". We ended up staying the night together because he didnt want to be at my place alone that night (it was storming). But in the morning it felt like things changed again. I asked him what he was feeling about the space and about us (it had been over a month so I thought it was ok for a check in). And he said, well it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on". He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends? Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love? I KNOW that he loved me, and even just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together. He also says that he just feels cold and numb. He can't find joy in anything and he has so much anger about previous events (not with me but back in his hometown). Im having a hard time understanding WHY. Has anybody had previous experiences that might be similar with a depressed partner?
  4. Hey everyone, I'm really happy I found this community. Recently there's a lot happening in my life which leaves me full of confusion and heartbreak. I had the feeling that I need to tell anyone, maybe finding someone who can relate to my situation. I really could use some guidance… I'm sorry that this got so long, it just came over me and I thought I try to draw a full picture here. So… my boyfriend and I met half a year ago when we both started the same studies. It was only three weeks from when we first met to the point when I stayed with him over night and we became a couple. We fell fast for each other. It was this kind of relationship that just feels right from the start and in every fiber of your body, heart and soul. I never felt more loved in my life and he was and is the first person from whom the words "I love you" really mean something and to whom I really feel like they are true and real when I say them. He was honest with me right from the beginning and told me about the psychosis he went through 1 1/2 to 2 years ago which was followed by a severe depression. He told it in a humorous, kind of shy way – I guess he was afraid I could run away as soon as he did. But I was fine. I told him that it's okay, that he's no "crazy person" as he described himself when he told me about it. That I like him for who he is and that I won't go away. Because I had met him when he was in a very good phase – the last months before the beginning of the semester he had recovered from a bad episode and the new beginning and new impressions gave him more perspective – I thought that the disease he told me about would be part of his past. Something he had overcome or learnt to deal with in a good way. At this time I had no idea what "depression" really, REALLY means. I was so naive. Or relationship went on, beautifully, deeply. Times came when he seemed… darker than usual, more distant. Well, can't be a happy person all the time, right? I didn't really think about that these could be symptoms of the depression and thought about other reasons. Maybe our relationship…? Around Christmas he became more distant and I started to worry. Before New Year's Eve he told me that he got some of the psychosis' symptoms again which worried him a lot. So he decided to take his meds again which made him kind of uneasy and tired. We talked about it and I listened to him and his worries, honestly telling him that I'm not sure what I could do or say to help him. He said it's okay – I don't need to say anything, it feels good when I just listen to him. He also has a therapist since the depression first broke out with whom he talks about those new developments and he also has a psychiatrist who supports him on the medical way. So, that's the good thing – he HAS professional help and KNOWS that he is not healthy and he really wants to get better. The next months were tough – our studies required a lot from us which put a lot of stress on both of us. I myself deal with heavy self-doubts and anxiety issues about never being enough or good enough and from time to time slip into very dark, hopeless phases (which are, lucky me, more temporary, but still a problem I have to deal with myself. But in those phases he was always there for me, helping me getting back on my feet – even if it was difficult for him because of the depression. But he did.). So the study's requirements were a lot for me, too. At the same time as we had to finish our final works his life got kind of "bombed" by bad news. Because of his illness he couldn't work for the last years why he got money from the employment office. But because he did not update his new status (being a student) early enough he now had to pay back around 2,000€ – which he does not have as he struggles financially. On top of that, as a student with no income or financial support by his family he now gets financial support from the state to study, but which is not enough to pay for the flat he's living in with his flatmate, paying the health care insurance and not starving every month. So the two of them decided to search for a new apartment both of them can afford. He loves the apartment they're living in and I guess he blames himself as being the only reason why they have to leave… So, many things went wrong and put a lot of stress on him in just a couple of weeks. As I said his mood went darker since the winter months – I guess the lockdown did it's best to make everything even worse. It had a deep impact on me, too, my own issues became more dark and I had problems with it more often. But he really began to struggle a lot. He got more and more distant, wouldn't speak or text me anymore or "colder" as he used to. He got tired early in the evenings, his motivation got less and less. He did not want to do things anymore, watch movies, ride the bike, hang out (lockdown confirmed) with others, didn't want to do anything for his study. I knew he wasn't/isn't a mentally healthy person, but at that time his change often hit me personally and I thought maybe I could be the problem. I only knew those changes in behavior from earlier relationships – when they drop you slowly – and had my problems to handle it. I was hurt and afraid he would start leaving me, that I again wasn't enough to be with me. He was annoyed by this and said he found my self-consciousness exhausting. We argued, but found back together. During our relationship he often explained to me how he felt: It put a lot of stress on him having the feeling to be the one making my day worse. To not be able to give to me what I need or what would make me happy. He felt that I was too focused on him, that I wanted to do things with him all the time, planning my day and my/our activities "around" him. He said he would like it if I could do "my thing" more often when we spent time together – just like a couple living together (which he would like to do someday for real). He also said he likes it when I just do "my thing" even when he is struggling with his emotions and can't do anything, because his own darkness or emptiness gets over him. That this would feel good and would take pressure off of him. He did not want to hurt me with that, I know that. At first I felt hurt, but I started to understand what he was trying to tell me – and yes, of course it is absolutely fine and normal not to spent every minute together even if you hang out, I was just still so full of butterflies that I wanted to be around like 24/7 … I started to inform myself intensively about depression and psychosis, I wanted to understand what was going on inside him. And I wanted to be able to be the best support I could be. I even contacted a psychologic counselor online to get some more professional advice on how to help him and deal with the disease. I tried to give him his space when he needed it, to do "my thing" even when he struggled. He often told me that he likes when I just do something I like for myself when I'm around him. That it feels like I feel at home and he can be more relaxed. When he distanced himself I accepted it. I told him I am there for him, that I believe in him and his strength and that I won't go away just because he suffers from a depression. That he is not the disease, but the person I fell in love with and never stopped doing anything else. Not all the time, but when I felt he needed those words the most. I noticed that his condition got worse and worse. Sometimes he would not go out of bed or would go back in it straight away, starring at the wall, not talking, not eating. He often said things like "I want that everything is over. I don't want to live anymore." When I asked him about those thoughts directly he always said he doesn't want to be anymore, but does not want to do anything for it to happen. According to his therapist this is called a passive suicidality. Sentences like this worried me a lot, but he kept saying he had no intention doing anything to himself. He said he had thoughts like this before, in his previous bad episode before we met. That time he'd isolated himself, couldn't talk to anyone anymore and just wanted to be over. During that time they had emphasized the dose of his antidepressants and he had gone back to the day hospital and the occupational therapy in the gardens of the hospital. That helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong. This all sounds like our relationship went all dark and sad and heavy. But it didn't. He was still there. The person I love and that loves me so much was still there and showed himself so often. He was still there for me, wanted me close, wanted to spent time together. He was full of love, missed me and told me when he did, there was laughing and trusting and passion. We still did things together, went for walks, did long rides with the bikes, enjoyed good weather together, … It still was more that I ever thought I would ever get, it felt like everything. I wasn't exhausted from the disease. Yes, it took energy, can't deny, but I was ready to go though this with him all the way, up and down. One day we walked along the river. He was very silent and I tried to entertain both of us a bit, but due to lockdown and my own inner struggling with the situation (can't deny tho, even if I just was very euphoric. But yeah, two sides of the medal, right?) and myself my topics were kind of limited. We sat on a bench and he told me how exhausted he was, how less hope he had. Nothing was fun anymore, just pain and exhaustion. No motivation. No perspective. No hope. No sense. He was so empty. And he said that it would feel like with his last girlfriend in the last year: That the relationship would make everything worse. I asked if that's because he feels under pressure because of being around someone else. He confirmed. It would feel like he's a burden to me, weighing me down – which burdens him retroactively. He broke up with his ex because of this. We did not break up on this day. I was very worried – because of what he said about the relationship, but also about the condition he was in. It really was the worst so far. I told him all the things again, tried to tell him that he is not alone, that I go this way with him. That he does not have to worry about me – that I can deal with the disease and that I want to deal with it, because I love him and it's okay, if he can't give anything right now. That I am fine with giving. Well, we did not break up that day. The next weeks became tough, I cried many tears alone at home, talked to friends and the counselor I mentioned earlier. I was afraid he would leave me, but kept this for me, stayed supportive and loved. And yeah, he still loved back. The last weeks were, after a long period of darkness, beautiful again. Full of love, it felt like in the beginning. We spent a lot time together. He hold me in his arms, not letting me go, initiated contact – and sex – himself, made plans for activities. We were tender, loving, passionate, supportive – we were like we were never to end, even if there still was distance or darkness from time to time. I knew that that's the disease speaking – not him. I really felt like our relationship gave him something after all and that he felt good being with me. Then last week. On monday he asked if I want to come over, cook something together. His texting was very communicative and he asked if I would like to meet his brother the next day. He would be very happy if I liked to. When I arrived at his apartment he was distant again. We ate something and watched a movie, but we did not really speak. I was in a mood, too. I was stressed by my own issues and felt my own heavy self-doubts and anxiety rumbling under my surface and was a bit insecure/tentative about his mood. But regardless of that he searched for me at night and held my hand in his. The next day already started with me knowing that it wouldn't be a good day. My own issues kept crawling to the surface. He helped me with some things for our studies, but I couldn't hold my own struggle anymore, started crying and feeling empty and anxious at the same time. We had a fight. To keep it short: I was struggling with my issues and his reaction hurt me. He said right and true words, but also words that hurt me. He wanted to help me, but couldn't deal with it at this moment. What I wished for that moment was just a hug, a sign that I am not alone. Not even words, just empathy. Instead he became ignoring and I became mad, because I didn't feel respected and as if my problems would be too less to be important. It got loud, it got ugly, everybody said things that hurt. At the end he talked calmly (but "shaken" from the fight) for a while and his words, well, hurt, because they were true, but helped. But the day was gone and full of bad emotions. I just wanted to visit his brother with him, get something good out of this messed up day. But he said he wanted to visit his brother alone, without me, the mood would be too bad. I panicked, I was so afraid that when I leave his place a distance would start and he would go away from me. I hated myself for what happened, for how hard I snapped that day. I could not stand myself – how could he? I was so sad and frustrated and angry and in shock that I questioned our relationship – and regretted what I said while the words came through my mouth. He froze, did not say a word. I tried to take the words back, tried to explain what was happening in my head. I wanted him to say something. But he did not answer or react, just said he would go to his brother now, didn't want to say anything and left. I could not hold him back or get an answer or a relief. I was so shocked. What had I done. In the evening he texted me: He was still like frozen, didn't know what was happening and going on now and asked for some time to think. I guess I knew what would happen in that moment, but I apologized for everything, told him that I did not mean anything I said. That I don't want us to end, that I want to be with him and that I love him. And I gave him some days time to get his head clear. Last Friday, three days after we had the fight, he broke up with me. He said, I did nothing wrong, it's okay to explode and feel bad from time to time, it's understandable and he wouldn't be mad at all. In fact he believes he would be the one who messed up the most, during the fight and in general. He said he thinks he can't be in a relationship right now. He couldn't give me what I need, he could just take energy and be a burden. He would be unable to be a good partner. He said he just feels really really bad and miserable and he just doesn't want to live anymore. He does not feel like being able to connect or talk with anybody. All he wants is to be dead or alone. He does not see a future for him in which he is healthy, he does not see a perspective or better times. Everything is just taking energy from him and everything will just stay the same, dark, hopeless, senseless, miserable. This would have nothing to do with me, but with the/a relationship in general and he thinks he might be better without it, alone. I knew this would happen. I knew it from the point when we both left after the fight. But I was shocked. Again I tried to give him all my support, my love. Tried to make clear how much I understand and want to understand and that I understand more and more everyday. How much I believe in him and us, that I believe he is stronger than this disease. I tried to remind him of the good moments and good things that still were there and came to him, even if everything was at it's darkest. I told him that getting better IS a possibility for him, that there really CAN BE a way, something better. But all this is not enough. I told him I believe in our love, that I KNOW that it is true and real and there. He can't deny that he did – and does – feel the same way I feel for him. I don't believe him that all our time together would have been just painful, I believe that it was something good and precious. He said it is good that it felt good for me, but for him it was just costing energy and causing exhaustion. Every small thing he did, every kiss, every word, every small touch would have just demanded a lot from him… I believe him. I really do. I saw how much he is struggling. I felt how much he is struggling. And I understand how hard it must be to love and try to be there for someone if you have to fight your own demons every god damn dark day. I know all of this and I really do understand. But I believe so much in us, I love this person so much. He means the world to me. Just one week ago he hold me in his arms, wanted to be with me, wouldn't let me go, made plans for us. Told me how much he loves me. On friday this same person gave me a last, mechanical cold hug and left me. We didn't speak or text since then. Everything inside me feels hurt. The day after the break up I left and went to my family home – I can't be alone or in the same town right now. I cried a lot, sometimes it's getting better and I can think clearer and of something else and laugh with others, but I feel so empty most of the time. I still can't believe what happened. This person was home from me, despite all the dark, depressive times, and it hurts so much to know that I may not come home anymore. I had much time to think, too. As I said, I do understand why he made this decision and somehow I always knew how fragile our relationship was in the core because of his disease. But I believed in it anyway and I know that we were real. That we were different than he and his ex (his flatmate told me the same – the way we were together was different, more loving, and in the end of his and his ex' relationship there were also other things for him that caused the breakup, too, and made him stop believing in it. But well, who knows…) and that we could've go on. I guess this last fight was like a huuge momentum of stress knocking down on him at once – and pushing him to the edge of breaking up. I blame myself so much. I want to believe that there is still hope for us and there are moments when I really feel this hope, when I kind of SEE our future together again. I can't lie – I want him back. I know we are good together and that he felt the same and WAS happy. I am totally aware of what being back together would mean. Yes, being with someone with depression hurts. It is dark and hard and takes so much of yourself and yes, maybe it is better to take it how it is and just go my own way. I have my problems myself which are heavy. I need to heal myself, too – for my sake. But also to really be a support. How can I be there if I weigh myself down and with this him, too? I can image how bad it must have felt for him to see me struggle and not being able to be there for me or not being there ENOUGH. I was fine – I understand that you can't be there all the time. People struggle, have their days when nothing is possible – whether you're healthy or not. It's okay if you can't give everything everyday and I never demanded it. What he could give was always enough. But not for him, he can't see that and I do not blame him for it, for anything. He is ill. His view is blurred. I will give him the time he needs. When he says he's not able to be with someone I believe him and I accept it. I just can't let him go. I mean, I can't even make a clear cut – we study together, have projects together. Everyday I have to see him in our online courses, have to hear his voice which used to be "mine", but is not anymore and it hurts. I update Instagram like every 15mins to see if there's anything new from him. I am so confused and don't know what to do, how to stay close or, more than that, get close(r) again. I want him to know that I am still there for him. I know that love, that I, can't heal him. Only he can. I am happy that he already has professionell support and does not deny his situation. He wants to get better, but has lost his hope and all his energy right now. Life is too dark at the moment. I hope that if some of the "side problems" – like finding a new, nice and more affordable flat – can lift the weight on his shoulders a bit. It won't change everything for good, but maybe it would take some insecurity and pressure from him. I am just so afraid that maybe he really is over us, that we are dead for him, that I am just somebody he used to know. That maybe he really feels better without me now, that I really was a burden he is happy to got rid of… What can I do? I don't want to force myself on him. If he wants time and space to deal with things himself, I respect that. But I can't give us up just now… I am searching for psychological help myself at the moment and try to get my things together, too. I want to find my own strength again I lost years ago and I feel how much I could reflect and learn and understand during our relationship and in the last days. I believe that when we see each other again, I can be a more cleared up version of myself. And yeah, maybe there will still be a chance. I don't know… I love this person so much, I want to go with him all his and our way, through the darkest and the lightest. Thank you for sticking with me till this point. I know it was a lot of text, but it means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Much much love Leonie
  5. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  6. So I’ve been doing research into how to improve my self esteem. I came across a “celebrity therapist” and hypnotherapist named Marisa Peer. She has a lot of videos on YouTube and has done Ted talks etc. Her theories seem to make so much sense but I’m struggling with her claim that she has transformed severely ill patients after a few sessions by treating the 3 core causes of their issues, rather than the symptoms of their depression etc. I have been trying out one of her practices for the last few days and I’ve got to say, I do feel a lot better and that’s making me consider purchasing one of her courses (she has free short ones I could trial I think). I can’t find much evidence of her being a therapist etc as google searches come up with mostly her videos and website but her courses etc have been reviewed with high ratings on blogs etc. So I’m wondering if anyone here has tried her courses etc and could vouch for her or say actually she’s a self inflated phony? I know the few reviews I’ve found on blogs are good but I’m skeptical, they could have been given it for free and felt obligated to give it a good review. Thanks
  7. Hi All, so my partner broke up with me a month ago and it felt like a complete shock at the time. This forum has been so beneficial to me and now I’d like to share my story and seek advice please. I am 44 (f) and she is 30 (also f). We were together for almost 6 years. She is German and we met while she was on holiday here in Ireland, fireworks etc when we met, long distance for the first year and then she moved here to be with me. We rented an apartment together for a while and then 3 years ago we bought a house together. 2 years ago she asked me to marry her and six months ago was supposed to be our wedding day... six months ago she wrote me a note saying she still feels that was the best and most important question she’s ever asked. The wedding had to be cancelled because of lockdown restrictions and we even set a date a month later for a small gathering, but that also had to be cancelled. There was no mention of any difficulty between us and we agreed to reschedule as soon as restrictions lift. Since then, restrictions here have been very very tight and we both sank into depression (me losing motivation to do basically anything), her having her usual seasonal affective depression with added weight of treating covid patients. During that period, I can’t say I was a supportive partner and I turned inward, opting out of life. She was quite low and I wasn’t fully aware at all really. So, a month ago, it seemed out of the blue when she said she’s completely lost the feeling for me and wants to end the relationship. I had stupidly thought we both just had lockdown blues and things would be fine when restrictions lift. We are both still living in the same house and there is no fast way out of that for either of us. We haven’t argued at all and we have had some deep emotional conversations every now and then. She said that over the past 6 months she stopped feeling supported or listened to. After the breakup, I went straight into therapy as I know this is sink or swim time. My therapist has diagnosed a depressive episode and is working with me to help. It’s working and I am more engaged with tasks and life in general. I actually feel positive about the future and a bit more sure of myself already. I know I have lots more work ahead of me. she is doing mindfulness and reading self help books but hasn’t seen a therapist yet. She admits that this sudden feeling of feeling nothing may be a psychological thing as she also recognizes that it’s very recent that she felt completely in love with me. But she said that right now, she feels relief at being free and is enjoying the simple things (hiking, cycling etc). We talked about attachment styles and she reckons she’s probably slipped into dismissive avoidance, although her typical style throughout the relationship was more like anxious attachment. She knows there’s a bank of emotions that are there but not accessible right now and that it feels too difficult to try. Our options about our living arrangement are limited and if I allow her to buy me out, I will incur huge extra debt to get a place alone. My question is this... is it possible that both our depressive states I’ve true past six months have led to this and that perhaps over time the feeling on her side could return? Is it actually possible to feel genuine love for over 5 years and for it to just vanish into indifference? we agreed to not do anything drastic about the house for a 3 month period and she feels it’s very kind of me to be willing to consider that this could be a psychological issue and to keep my commitment to her for at least some time. For background, there’s no one else on either side and no threat of that. She has always found it more difficult to communicate openly. I communicate well, but my self awareness level has been shockingly poor over the past few months. right now, I’m doing my therapy, working on myself, keeping the house clean and ensuring I have zero expectations of her. We have 3 dogs together and I have taken responsibility there. She is friendly but kind of distant, always willing to engage in deeper conversation if I ask. Any advice most welcome please. I deeply love her and we have strong compatibility underneath all this. Appreciate it folks!
  8. My best friend (23, F) of 3 years blocked me on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and even Tiktok. Let’s call her Abby. Abby blocked my fiancé and our other best friend , Natalie, as well. This occurred a couple days ago on Tuesday night. However, I found out the next day when I tried to send her a message on Snapchat. And it stated I needed to add her, then her thread disappeared (indicating she blocked me). However, before I realized she blocked us, she sent our friend group chat a message apologizing for not replying back to us and that she had a horrible breakdown the night before. Including that she cut everyone off but that she was “back and good now.” My other friend (Natalie) and I replied back letting her know to not worry, take care, and that we loved her. But she never apologized or mentioned the reason for blocking us. Yesterday, she unblocked us and requested to follow us back, only on Snapchat and Instagram. I did notice she unblocked me on Twitter and Tiktok but didn’t try following me back. I assume maybe she doesn’t want me to see what she’s up too. *** this best friend of mine is my bridesmaid for my wedding that is coming up in August. She is starting to become depressed. I’ve noticed she tends to ignore and isolate her close friends when she is going through a tough time. However, this time it seems serious. It makes me feel like she doesn’t want to be my friend. I feel conflicted. I have given her space but it’s giving me doubts on whether or not I should have her in my wedding party. I want to be there for her and I do care for her but this is a lot for me. I’ve asked close family and friends for advice and they say that she may not be my true friend or showing her true colors because she blocked only her best friends but no one else on social media. what should I do?
  9. Hi all, How can I move forward from this? Has anyone gone through something similar - do depressed people come back to you if they get their head straight? My boyfriend left me recently. He has been through a lot of trauma in life, and I always knew that his self esteem was extremely low and that he had that type of personality where he didn’t feel like he deserved help or support from anyone. He tried his hardest to open up to me, and he did open up a lot, but I could also tell he was holding back a lot and putting on a brave face. He was always used to facing life alone. Lately life has been beating him up, and he started to get really depressed. He said it wasn’t fair to me anymore because he can’t give me 100% in the relationship. He said he can’t even think straight lately and he needs to heal himself and work on getting himself on stable ground. Of course I asked him to stay, that I would be there for him through anything and that I loved him dearly. I told him we could face this together and I would be by his side. But he told me he can’t focus on both the relationship and working on himself. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. This man is the love of my life. Despite feeling down on himself most of the time, he has never shown me anything except unconditional love, unconditional support, and unconditional understanding. He knew me better than I know myself. He always knew exactly what I needed. We have such a deep love and respect for each other. The connection we have is something people talk about in the movies. No one could make me laugh like him. We both said that all of the crap life has thrown at us in the past was worth it to find the other. He just left the home we shared together after picking up the last of his stuff. We both cried and he stood in the doorway for nearly an hour because neither one of us wanted to say goodbye. He said he hopes once he gets his head straight that we can rekindle, but right now he said he can’t even imagine what tomorrow looks like and he can’t promise me anything. He said it’s too hard to talk to me, and asked that I not reach out to him for now. He did promise however that he would see a therapist. Right now he is staying with his mother until he can find his own place and he has promised me that he is not suicidal or anything. My heart is so shattered and I don’t really know what to do. I feel as though I will always be waiting for him, but he doesn’t know if that will ever happen. I’m worried that he won’t actually see a therapist because he has a habit of avoiding things that will actually help him - he doesn’t believe he is worthy of it as depression really messes with a person’s self-worth. And now I have no way of knowing if he actually makes the appointment or not. Why does life have to suck so much? Thank you for listening.
  10. Hi! This is my first post in here, a friend of mine recommended this site so I'm still figuring things out but okay here it goes: TLDR = the guy I'm seeing is likely in a depressive spiral and pushing me away and I'm not sure what to do. The read I started dating this guy in late September who is amazing! Like a breath of fresh air. Conversations flow naturally, he's someone I always want to be around. I really like him and I think we have a great connection. He has said he really likes me, too. It could really go somewhere and for the first time in a long time, it's not something I want to give up on and I don't feel like he does either. We've had conversations about being on the same page, and we both felt good about things without the pressure of advancing our relationship at a pace we're not comfortable with (we're in that limbo of uncertainty on "relationship status" but he's had me meet some of his friends and he's met a few of mine). We've also had conversations about our mental health and he struggles with depression. About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a change in him. He became way less responsive in a matter of a day. I'm not one to really care about the timestamp on replying but it was out of character enough to be concerning so I tried to talk to him about it, he admitted not being in the best place. I told him I was here for him and he appreciated it but he's thrown himself into distractions and he is still not very responsive to me. He's mentioned he hasn't felt joy from usual things, but it feels like he is suddenly uninterested and pushing me away. I brought it up again and he has said he has felt weird about things but isn't sure why. I'm not afraid to be here for him and help in anyway I can. I want to make it work but I know I can't make him have feelings for me if they aren't there. We're going to talk in person because we both agreed our conversations are more productive when we're physically together. I'm aware I could also be totally wrong and he could have lost interest. I'm not sure how this conversation is going to go. Anyway, if you've dated/are dating someone struggling with depression, does this sound like a spiral? if so, what are some helpful ways to communicate what to do when you feel pushed away?? I'm willing to put the effort into making this work, I want him to know that he's not his depression and that's an obstacle he doesn't have to face alone. Or maybe just give it to me bluntly, does it sound like he's about to break things off instead?
  11. So I have been whining a lot about my anxiety, depression and fear. I would like to try to turn it around. So I am going to drop some happy/cheerful/funny thoughts here. My first one...I think it's a hoot that Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are friends. It's so awesome that two people who come from completely different walks of life can get along so well. I also am a fan of Fred Chang who was a contestant on Master Chef US. Just adore him. Anyone have anything to add?
  12. I know this is a long post. I’ll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesn’t want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didn’t read.) I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing. So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die." Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. She’s kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people. Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep. So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep. I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of. Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her. I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said don’t worry about my crazy ass while you’re at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. I’m kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didn’t want her to see me this way. I still haven’t decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said it’s not anything she can’t handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either. I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesn’t take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy. Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. I’m here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading. TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.
  13. Hi everyone, I've not posted here before, so I hope I do this right. I've got no idea where to turn to for advice - it feels guilty turning to friends and family - so I've turned to you guys. Sorry if this turns out long. Me and my boyfriend both have issues. I have depression (which is currently severe) and anxiety. He has nothing diagnosed, but certainly has issues, and tends to worry a lot. He can also get sad out of the blue. Our relationship has gone okay for the first year. We're good at communicating, we deal with problems. But this - this isn't the same. The more we've been together, the more attached he's grown, understandably. But to the point where his mood is dependent on mine. This wouldn't matter, except that I'm incredibly depressed, and so it makes him incredibly depressed. I force myself to be "okay", and he brightens up again. I've brought this up with him, and he agrees. He doesn't have much in his life - he has a few friends, but they're distant as he put little effort into those friendships once we started going out. He's tried contacting a few to give himself something other than me in his life, but even when spending time with them, he's messaging me, asking if I'm okay, etc. He can't be away from me. I wouldn't mind, but it means when he is, he's sad, and his attachment to me means he's so sensitive to how I'm feeling, meaning his feelings, thoughts, needs are all focused on me. The relationship is incredibly unbalanced as it stands, as he focuses so much on me despite it making him sad, and I don't like it at all. I suggested we needed a week to focus on ourselves and boost our mental health and see how we are, but even then he can't stop himself from messaging. It upsets me, not because he's clingy - I don't mind clingy at all - but because his life revolves around me. And at the current moment, I'm an unstable mess. Which makes him an unstable mess. Losing him would kill me - he is the kindest and most understanding person I know. But the only thing worse than losing him is making him depressed. I've been advised that he's staying in this relationship - he's not left, and if it was too much for him, he would have. But I doubt he would have at all - he is the kind of person who would stay even if it killed him, and I think at this point he is staying despite the damage it's doing to his own mental health. He does not have enough self-worth to be able to step back and say "this is too much for me". Because all of the pain he experiences is for me, and so it makes it okay. But it doesn't in my eyes. I'd appreciate any advice on the best way to move forward. If there's a way to fix these issues, I'd love to hear them - I don't want to lose him. But I worry it's too much for him.
  14. Hi, I was with my Ex Boyfriend just short of 12 months! In that time he spoke of marriage and never failed to tell me he loved me loads and missed me when we weren’t together ! He was the first guy to truly make me feel valued and loved! I suffer from shyness and always struggled mixing in large groups and when he and I got together, I felt quite shy around his family which is very large although I worked hard to get over my shyness and be very friendly ! I did sense however, that certain louder members of his family hadn’t quite taken to me which may or may not have had a baring on the ending of our relationship! My ex boyfriend suffers with depression and during His personal difficulties with bullying at work, possible job loss etc, I stood by him and emotionally supported him ! During lockdown, we isolated separately and we missed each other. He text me every morning, a couple of checking in texts during the day and then Skype or WhatsApp call in the evening before bed ! Around Middle of April , I found out the care home my mum Is in , who is currently in a care home due to late stage Alzheimer’s, Had had cases of coronavirus. This terrified me but apart from telling me ex briefly about it on the day I heard, I didn’t mention it again as with his history of depression, I didn’t want to get him down. At the end of April , I heard that there might be a easing of lockdown and a possibility that people might be able to meet a person outside their home, with social distancing in place ! Excitedly I told him this and straight away he lost it with me saying he was not going to be meeting up as this was a government ploy for herd immunity etc ( he meets two of his friends every Saturday in the garden for drinks though) ! I backed down and let it go but later he rang me around midnight and clearly had been drinking a lot and was drunk ! He’s not supposed to drink at all with his anti depressants and was going on about “ good looking women online “ ! It gave me the impression he’d been on dating sites but I didn’t say anything at the time ! Over the next three days , he barely spoke to me but when he did , it was to say he was feeling depressed, it was nothing to do with me and he was avoiding talking with anyone and would be back to his old self in a day or two! At the end of the three days, he text me to say he was breaking up with me as I was “stressed” and it had caused his to “spiral downwards” , he was sorry to do it via text but he didn’t have it in him to call as it would get him depressed again! A few text was then exchanged between us where he said he would “ text me when he was ready to talk” which I said it was pointless to rake over the past, and later text he said “it would be nice to text from time to time to see how each other is getting on” which I again refused as I wasn’t willing to down grade from girlfriend to text buddy! A few days later and out of curiosity after his comment whilst drunk about online women, I signed up to a well own dating site to see if he was there and he was! Touting for women , how he knew how to treat a woman and looking anything but depressed! I didn’t contact him but a day later he blocked me on WhatsApp and his phone ! It’s left me confused as to what’s happened, why it’s happened and so angry about being messed about ! I’ve not spoke to him since may 3rd !
  15. Hey ya’ll! Hope everyone is well with what’s going on with, y’know, THE VIRUS! I don’t mean to be sarcastic or disrespectful, but I am officially through with being so depressingly serious for so long I must release some cheeky humour into my life again! Bit of background to my trivial debate! I want your opinion on this, fellow readers, book lovers, fans of the written word! I adore books - always have done and always will! Always wanted to be part of a book club. I imagined a group of kindered weirdos like myself, from all different walks of life, like this secret societal underground meeting (kinda gonna be underground when the lockdown lifts because I am hosting our first meet up in the basement sub garden room, oh yes, with tipples)! I went ahead and gathered a few new Mum friends, by a few I mean two - it’s bleak, because apparently no one has time anymore to read or no one wants too. I was already feeling a bit depressed by this point but grateful for my two little bookies and on we go. First girl picks, we all order the thing and they just drop in casually yes, kindle this and yes, audio book that. Now I am really depressed. So here we go guys, another thing that doesn’t matter to anyone else but is practically do or die to me - am I crazy, or are Kindles the devil? And am I crazy, but isn’t it a bit insane that no one is gonna be reading a book when we are in a book club?! I know, I hear you, the irony of me writing and reading on here, virtual, blog like - I have an online journal, I get it, I get it!!! But I also keep a diary, a physical one, and, my book shelves are brimming. It’s not a snob thing, but I love the physical object of a book like an old friend and I need it there, sitting there as a reminder of the time and future times we will have. It’s like music to me - I remember exactly when and where I was when I first read a book I love and I link a good book to a certain time in my life. I’m not even going to get started on the experience of holding a book, of snuggling down with one under the covers, of propping one up, half damp, in a steam filled bath. The weird intimacy of holding a second hand book and seeing where someone has chosen to fold over the corner of a page or even annotate. The smell. The delicate yet sharp sound of a thin page turning. And then there’s... swallow... the EBOOK. I can’t even type everything I feel is wrong with them. Okay ja, they have their merits in some small ways I’m sure and YES, if you were an author and 80% of your sales were going to come from ebooks surely you would have too... no, you would not, by the way. I‘m an old romantic. I deal with technology when I have too, it doesn’t mean I want it or I like it. A book club full of kindles has got my back up. We need a dictatorship here, a dictatorship that says book club is for books people, not screens! By the way, these people aren’t blind or disabled, they can hold and understand a book. My question is why, WHY!? Why would you chose fake plastic flowers when you could have a bouquet of real ones?! I get further and further into modern life and I don’t want it. I’m 30 now with two children and becoming a real crank. I saw an interview with Elon Musk and I don’t want any of it. He started talking about plugging into the virtual reality or something and I just freaked out and checked out at that point. I am inside my Georgian house here holing myself up against this horrible, inevitable, freaking bionic future or whatever the fig. But now! For my request!!!! Let the anger begin! If anyone wants to reply - what’s your opinion? Do you love a Kindle? Do you hate them? Indifferent? Am I the savage here? Maybe I need to be more politically correct and inclusive? A bit of vomit has just risen up my throat. Hope you’re all well and still own a few books or I am gonna die. Lo x
  16. After nearly four years together, my relationship with my girlfriend has come to a mutual end. Both of us had met spontaneously one night and shared an immediate attraction for one another. We traveled for two weeks shortly after meeting and moved in together at six months. We were different people in many ways but our goals were the same, and we were in love. Of course, we didn't always see eye to eye and arguments would occasionally break out; we've had some pretty bad fights but found away to work through them and move forward. Despite some of our setbacks, we worked well together, overall. It wasn't long before we began to achieve some of our personal goals and were growing in most areas of our lives. However, even though things were mostly improving, we both couldn't ignore some of the underlying issues with depression and stress(on both our ends). Everyone gets hit with the occasional blues, but she has it bit more severe. I've always done what I could to support her, but approaching this can be very difficult. She had sought professional help in the past but wasn't satisfied with it, so we mushed on hoping that we could work through it. A heavy work load with a busy schedule didn't help, and neither did the irritation of the daily, tedious grind. We were both in the process of "finding" ourselves and looking for what we thought could be a better standard of living. Once we finally started moving in that direction, we somehow slowly grew apart. I'm not exactly sure what caused this gradual distancing but it was happening and I found myself having to put in more effort to bridge the gap. As time went on, we felt even more worn out than before and honestly, just bored. We moved to a new city one year ago, and knew no one. A fresh start (for the third time) in a quieter city, away from the rat race and a chance to work on us as a couple. It was exciting at first but a gradual routine kicked in. After a couple of months we found ourselves feeling lonely. It was quite the drive to get to family and friends and my girlfriend doesn't have any friends at all. If we had any arguments, she literally had no one to talk or vent to other than a co-worker. Those feelings of loneliness, irritation, resentment and depression were starting to kick in for both of us. As this began to happen I was suddenly laid off of work and the pandemic began a few weeks later. We were now forced to stay in our little apartment almost all of the time unless she was at work. We made our attempts to make the best of the situation, but it didn't take long for things to go south. Too much tension had built up with little desire left to do anything about it. As a result, we had the inevitable conversation about ending the relationship. Even though this relationship is over, I don't want to think of it as a failure. We both grew as people and will walk away better off in most areas than we were when we first met. I suppose we were just better at the partnership aspect of the relationship more than anything else. We've given each other time to find a place and are working together to ease the transition. I'm happy that we're able to be civil and understanding but I can't help but think of the day when she drives off, or the first day that I settle into my new home, alone, without waking up to her or having our morning coffee together. I'm not even sure why i'm writing this. I guess I just needed to get it out. Any thoughts on this or related experiences? Thanks for reading.
  17. Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then: I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future. After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go. For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated. I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that? I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you.
  18. My fiance and I have been together for 11 years. We been engaged for 10. We treat eachother as husband and wife. We have 2 kids together. 10 and 7. Over the last 10 years my man has been emailing women calling them sexy/beautiful. Now the last 4 years he has been on dating websites. We been thru being homeless twice and once for over 3 years. During both those times he's been on the dating sites saying he's single and looking. I have caught him more than once. It's been a couple months since he's been on one. I did see that he's still looking for single milfs and crap. I mentioned to him saying I'm going to leave if he keeps it up. I gave him 5 chances due to our children. I'm not doing anything wrong that i know of. I cook, clean, 24/7 withour kids, we have sex, I'm trending to him wether is food, coffee, cleaning anything! I'm not hurt anymore seeing this but just annoyed and tired of it. I feel selfish for leaving or thinking about it. I don't need to feel like this right? He keeps saying he well stop, but doesn't. What is your opinion? My mom and sis say just leave him! My kids don't like him and it's their dad. He always cusses at them and i feel bad. If i have a bad day it's my fault. He talks to me rude it's all in my head. The last 4 years he hasn't complimented me in anyway besides food. I haven't been told i look good or I'm beautiful. I only get a "this dinner is good" and that's not often. I'm depressed and confused. 😶
  19. Cut long story short, I felt pretty low the other day, I felt lonely and just depressed.. so I messaged my boyfriend and told him I felt a bit ty. I didn’t tell him the ins and outs because he usually gets upset because he blames himself for my mental health even though I’ve told him it’s not his fault, so now I just let him know and leave out the details. I later put a Facebook status about my depression and stated that if anyone else was struggling that I’m only a message away. His mum seen it later that day and asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t know I put it on because he doesn’t have Facebook, he told his mum he didn’t know and that I was being “retarded”. He then messaged me saying “nice facebook status btw” then went on to complain about it. I went to his house after that and a huge argument broke out about it, he said that he didn’t understand how I could say I can’t talk to close people about it but can post it to a lot of strangers and called it pathetic, he also said “carry on posting things like that on Facebook i’d Rather not know you” and he also managed to punch some furniture and it toppled over he was that raging. I was very upset obviously with me already feeling in a low mood, but I was stood there in shock. He has since apologised and told me he didn’t mean it and that his own head gets to him and that he feels like he’s trying his best with me and getting nowhere. However I keep thinking about it and wondering whether I’m actually in the wrong? He has always had a temper, few weeks ago he got angry and didn’t tell me why so I was asking him what was wrong and he ended up ripping the curtain rail off of the wall. Other times he’s the best boyfriend and does look after me, and for the record he’s never laid a finger on me. I just dunno how to manage situations like that.
  20. I guess I just need to vent. I’m so unlucky in love. I’ve been on a few dates since November when I found out the guy I really liked was dating another girl as well and lying about it. They’re still together. Since then I’ve been on a couple of bad first dates. Six other guys in total. Out of the six first dates, I really liked one. He ghosted me after which really hurt my feelings. Two other guys really liked me. I wasn’t really into one of the guys so I broke it off because our lifestyles were incompatible. So that left me with one guy who I sort of we liked. He’s been pursuing me for the past two years actually. 3 dates in, I started to really like him more. I go on his Facebook and it appears that he’s been in a long term relationship with someone else while pursuing me. He says he’s single, but the two of them are still very much friends and commenting/liking each other’s pictures. I’m not sure what to make of it, im upset because I always find myself as the other women. So I’m back to square one. I’m so burnt out :/
  21. Hello Everyone, I just joined this site and I would like to say hello first before asking for any advice. I'm hoping that someone can relate how they might feel if what I'm going to say has happened to them, or if they have any advice for me? A little over a year ago I met a woman online and I gradually fell in love with her and she has said that she loves me also. It's been a long distance relationship with me in the States and her in another country and I did have plans on moving to her country in a short while. We've kept up our relationship on Skype, talking for hours on end every night. I had bought a plane ticket and visited her over the summer, it was my first visit over there. Tonight on Skype I had asked her if she found me attractive and on a scale of 1 to 10 she rated me a five. In the past she has had a guy that she spent four or five years with, and also had been married for 30 years. Out of curiosity I asked her what she would rate them as far as looks go, she gave the guy a seven and her former husband a nine. When I flew over there this summer I had rented a car at the airport and tonight I had asked her that since she only gave me a five rating if she was disappointed with my looks when I had gotten out of the car and tonight she says yes she was disappointed. It has devastated me to say the least. How could I be with her if she doesn't find me attractive plus the fact that she had given me a mediocre rating? I had no idea that she didn't really find me attractive and the only time she had seen me before my trip over there was from the shoulders up. I'm in good shape physically or so I've been told, but now it seems as if my world has fallen apart. I suffer from depression and the news tonight has made my depression even worse. Can anyone tell me what they would think and feel if they were me in this same situation or any advice on what to do? With the depression clouding my thoughts and judgement right now I can't even think straight. I honestly do need some insight and thank you for any that you can give me.
  22. My partner has a lot of medical issues, is in pain much of the time and has been feeling depressed. He is doing all he can to address these issues but can’t seem to shake his worry and negativity. He is clingy and very insecure. It has been this way for a long time but has gotten pretty bad. I would not say I am pulling away, although that’s probably what it feels like to him. I’ve been trying to stay close, be supportive and affectionate. But I am finding it harder and harder. I have to force myself to be intimate with him or even hold meaningful eye contact. Because I see he is looking for validation that we are okay when he looks at me that way and it is hard from me to give that to him when I am feeling this way. So, we just arrived in L.A. last night. I suggested to come here because he’s been wanting to visit some friends and family. Without mentioning it to him, I fear he won’t be able to travel as well in the future as his health is declining. So I’d like this to be a great trip for him. I am thinking of starting the day with a massage, from me, followed by some meditation. I would love for us both to get out of our heads and just enjoy ourselves. This will be easier said than done. But if I can snap out of it, I imagine he will pick up on it and not feel so down. Here’s the kicker, I feel in my heart that unless there is a major shift in both of us, we will not make a good team. The thought of leaving him makes me very sad but also gives me a feeling of great relief. It also worth mentioning that there are other reasons entirely that challenge my desire to stay. I am wondering if I can pull this off. We both know we are not okay. But maybe we can just forget about it for the week, quiet our minds and take in this strange city. Would it be cruel to possibly mislead him to believe we are okay? Or should I state my intentions. I’m leaning towards saying something like this, “We both know we have unresolved issues and matters weighing on us. But let’s agree to try not process it all now, let’s just try our best to be present and enjoy taking this place in and seeing your friends.” And then I will try with all my being to let go. Because I know that is the only way he will.
  23. I have been through so much in my life. 1. I am a victim of abuse and because of that I am unable to stand on my own two feet because whenever I see a powerful authority figure, I run away. I was slapped hard when I was little for all the little things I did and as a result, I don't have the mental capacity to defend myself and physically. I was slapped, beaten, threatned, verbally abused, locked into a room by my uncle, my mother and father - all because I didn't do what they asked to do. This might be what you call childish or naive but when you have been physically tormented, it affects you psychologically and apparently, being a guy, I am being told to suppress my feelings because I have to be the 'tough' guy. No course of justice and I am stuck here hahaha! All I can do is laugh away at the misery of life and then the distance crying starts... As a result of this amount of abuse, who now my parents have started to act all nicely to me, I don't really care anymore about what I want to be. As the years went by, I was bullied at school because kids thought I was gay because I was with my twin brother and we were looking out for each other. It's quite funny that I am as straight as you can be, but I have nothing against gays but in the 90s being gay was considered 'wrong' and it still is. Then I contracted thyphoid from an overseas trip - that was fun Then, I lost the sensation to the left side of my face and my hearing was almost lost Then I ran into a drunk pedestrian which I have to fork out funds to fund my jaw surgery and the insurance company wouldn't cover it. Don't ever hit a pedestrian. I sleep for 3 hours in most nights and have become ultra sensitive to everything and paranoia has set in because of this car accident and no way in hell am I going to take drugs because i know my root of my problems is the jaw. I then get a nasty surprise from simply asking if someone was single and had an order placed against me so I could never contact this person ever again - all because I asked if she was single, and shared a track I made. I know they say that nice guys finish last, but what's wrong with being nice? Now I am scared of even approaching anyone all because I might offend someone - is it because I am not some snobby white collar successful person that's of position of authority? Should I give up finding anyone?
  24. So myself a (36 male) had been with a girl (female 25) for about a year and a half. We met online and have visited each other and we were very much into each other it was pretty crazy. She has had a past of abusive boyfriends and the such so she could hardly beilieve she found a guy such as me. Ive been around the block and im a pretty good lover. xD Anyways fast foward to a couple weeks ago and she went to visit her family for a week. I guess her dad was drilling her pretty hard and was prying into her personal life. I guess he didnt approve of me and sent her into a serious depression. With that said she came back and basically has told me that she is unsure if she sees a relationship with me for the future. She tells me shes so lost and she hates herself right now and this is so hard on her because she really does love me and has lots of feelings for me. She thinks that she shouldnt be in a relationship at all right now and she needs to work on herself because she doesnt know where life is taking her. Shes so scared about everything that is being thrown at her. She does suffer from depression and I have known about since the beginning. She says she doesnt want to lose me forever and that I should be her friend because i usually dont stay firiends with exes to help myself move on and she knows that. I told her I wouldnt abandon her and I would be there for support if she needed. Man do I love this girl and i dont want to abandon her but man is it hard. We saw each other in a game we play the other night and she was inviting me to join her so I did and things went well enough, but I had left for a little while and she asked where I went and why i was in a private world. She then also sent a single text saying "I caaaant". I cant help that she missing the crap outa me and i just dont know what to do as this situation is new to me. All in all I just want whats best for her but I cant lie that id love to have her back and maybe I should just be here for her when she needs.
  25. i really have everything in life. i have really nice parents, two brothers who love me, the best and funniest friends in the world, i draw quite well for someone my age (15), and (used to) have good grades, but due to anxiety issues my grades dropped a little, from A to B- or C. I don't know why my mental health is so debilitated, i don't have any major trauma or anything like that. I started being anxious/depressed one year an a half ago, maybe because of stress from school, but there aren't many people who have the same problems as me at my class. I take lots of medicine, but those don't seem to work as well as i wanted to, it just prevents me from suiciding instantly, wich i've tried two times. i really wanted to take this out of my chest, thanks if you read it till here.
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