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  1. When my boyfriend and I first met I picked up his phone and there was a text from a woman that said " I love our little guy" I didn't think much of it at the time, but I remembered her name. I had asked him before if he had any kids and he always said no. There are no pictures of kids on his social media or anywhere up in his apartment. One night though, I did jokingly ask him again if he had kids and he said 'yeah' but we were both a little drunk and it was super late so I honestly thought he was joking. Last weekend my boyfriend was sitting on my lap and he opened facebook on his phone I noticed this same girl's name as a recent search. I'm not typically a jealous person, but because she had come up once before I decided to be nosey and search for her on facebook. She has very few public pictures, but one in particular stood out to me - a picture of a baby boy. I noticed that he loved the picture which didn't bother me at first because if this woman is/was his friend he's probably met her children at some point. I couldn't stop thinking about this picture though so I went back and this time I scrolled through the likes and noticed that his mom loved the picture as well. This threw me for a loop. If this is just some woman he's friends with why is his mom friends with her? Looking at the picture more intently this baby actually does look quite a bit like him and it makes sense as to why she would send him that text. I have always bee very adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids, but I do love my boyfriend. I honestly don't know how to react or how to bring it up. Any advice on how to handle this is much appreciated.
  2. I (24F) am in a relationship with a 24M of which I am unsure where I stand at the moment. I'm sorry in advance if the following is a little all over the place, just in desperate need of advice/outside perspective. We kept breaking up briefly (few days) past couple months due to me being worried about other girls and him being worried about another guy. Last week I was unsure where I stood with him, I had seen him earlier that week, a couple days later he said he felt single and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said this multiple times in the past few weeks, only to come back to me saying he wants to be with me and marry me but that we need to sort through the insecurities in the relationship. He went out of town this past weekend, during which time I found a hotel reservation under his name from the day after he told me he felt single (my laptop was logged into his email). I had spoken to him that day over the phone, because I knew he did not want things to be over (2 days later he said he wanted to marry me). He told me he was on the way to meet a photographer. This was obviously a lie, I confronted him about it, he completely denied it for 2 days and then told me he would explain everything. Since he was out of town and had plans, he dragged out having this conversation until last night. Between me finding the reservation and finally being able to have a conversation with him about it, he went out for drinks with another girl ( a friend I know). This made me a little uneasy, because I was already on edge with everything going on and felt like I'm just not a priority to him at all, as long as he has other girls around him. I know if the tables were turned, I would priorities having this conversation with him first, so not to trigger his anxiety and keep him assuming and overthinking. Last night once I finally got a hold of him, he told me he went on a double date that evening he lied, and that it wasn't really a date but that him, his cousin and 2 girls went to get food and then he booked a hotel for all four of them to have drinks in the room. I feel betrayed, I had tried blocking him off of everything a couple days after he went to that hotel, before I knew anything, only for him to spam call me from another number telling me that it's me he wants and all the other girls that I am worried about mean nothing to him. When I spoke to him last night about this, he left the conversation unfinished and said that he would speak to me about it today, because he was drunk from having drinks with that other girl. Today, I had been trying to reach him for hours, as my anxiety keeps sky rocketing, not knowing what's going to happen between me and him. After trying for hours he finally picks up and tells me he's out having lunch with this girl he met through social media. I broke down. I've known about this girl, and he tells me they are just friends, but I still feel hurt. I feel like he keeps going on "dates" with girls he claims to just be friends. He did the same thing about 2 weeks ago now with another girl whom he met over social media, but they went out for drinks together, all in the name of "net-working". Maybe I have a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I have not felt comfortable going out for drinks or food with other guys I barely know, and I know for a fact he would be mad if I did the same, but he knows I wouldn't, because I feel uncomfortable doing that myself. I know my rational self tells me to just not be in this relationship but I have seriously struggled getting out of it, and my mental health is at a all time at the moment. I guess I am just wanting opinions about not only the whole situation but right now the thing that is bugging me the most is if I am overreacting by the way I feel when he goes out for drinks or food with girls he met through social media. Side note- because of everything going on between me and him, we haven't even gone out for drinks or food ourselves since COVID restrictions have been lifted, and I guess this makes me even more jealous that these girls are getting to spend time with him and I haven't been.
  3. Hi everyone. First post on here. I will try to keep it short. Myself 27 and partner 29. We have been together for 9 years and raised my daughter together. We get on most of the time. However he is a very closed person and I'm very open. I found out a few years ago that he had secretly been gambling and had run up debt of over 10,000 pounds. We took out loans to pay back the money lost! I now have control of he money so he cant do this anymore. Also his family had an argument with me around a year ago and I dont see them, I wont get into the argument unless you wish to know, but my partner never stood up for me when I needed him to. (Hes a very soft person who struggles to voice anything) we were meant to be getting married, but with family feuds and lack of trust because of the gambling I dont know if I want to. He also goes in and out of depressive episodes which he will not get help for. Which is hard on me to. Please give me some advise xx
  4. So a little over a year ago, my girlfriend had a summer fling with this guy younger than her, and he took off without calling, etc. A month later I met my girlfriend. About oh, 4-5 months later he started sending her text messages like "What's up" - simple little messages. She would respond, talking about school and things. It was probably like a message every month, no big deal. I asked her about him after the first message, and she said she didn't regret it because she felt like she was someone else - doing crazy things she wouldn't normally do, etc., but she said he was immature and that's why she said she wouldn't date anyone younger anymore - her sister also told her she wasn't acting like herself with him. PLUS, he was a rebound and it only lasted a month. So back in April, he sends her a message while I'm sitting right there. I started to get a little uncomfortable since I knew their history together now. She asked if she should stop responding, but I said no, it's something I have to learn to deal with. She didn't quite understand why I was a little jealous, so I brought up how it would make her feel if I was still in contact with someone she had even THOUGHT I'd slept with before. She said I had a point. She stopped replying to his messages, even though I told her she can do what she wants because I trust her. I don't trust HIS motives, but I trust her. Last night, I went to log onto Facebook. Thinking I was the last one to log on, I went to Facebook and immediately to the inbox. Turns out it was her account that was still open, and a wall-to-wall conversation to him that she initiated the other day was there, asking him how he's been and apologizing for not texting back. Then she asked for his phone number again since she got a new phone and lost her contacts. He gave it to her and asked her to lunch sometime. She didn't reply. Do I have a reason to be worried? I've always trusted her, but all of a sudden all the past relationships I've been cheated on in came flooding back and now I'm starting to feel insecure. She's told me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and talks about us getting married and raising a family together, and I keep saying this to myself to help this paranoia go away. And yes, I do feel bad snooping.
  5. Thank you for spending your valuable time in reading my post. I`ve been together with her for about 4,5 years now. We live together, and have a seemingly great life even in my own mind. We do almost everything together (and I mean this in the most positive way thinkable). She is my best friend, and even after all these years we enjoy every day together. She is fun, beautiful, intelligent, trustworthy and I want to be with her forever. I can`t find a single thing about her that I just would not love. The severe issue is just that along the way we have travelled, it has many times become apparent that our ideal life is not the same. We have a few major issues without solutions that have been tearing a gap between our souls, if you could put it this way. And by involving the word souls here, I mean that I`m not sure if she is my soulmate anymore despite me wanting to be with her forever. Our greatest issue is sex. I was a sexual freak before we met. It was a very strong driving force in my life. I used to aim for experiencing as much as possible, and enjoyed it very much. It was unnatural for me to stay a day without sex, or stick with the same routines. I always wanted more, and do it a bit different than last time. When we met she gave me the impression she has the same mindset. Before we moved in together I had a thorough conversation about this with her, because I was scared she would one day change and not want sex as much as she did back then. I have always had problems in this field in long term relationships, and I have learned that I`m incompatible with someone who is not as much into sex as I am. I told my fears for her, and she made me believe that I have nothing to fear. It didn`t take long until the same problems began though as in every other relationship as I`ve been in though. She stopped wanting sex as much as I, slowly. She also slowly stopped wanting any kinky stuff that I enjoy very much. Our sex life became boring for me, I had to slowly start forgetting everything I wanted regarding sex. I tried my best to give her time, pleasure, life without any stress for her, you name it. This concerns only sex, our level of intimacy and closeness in every other area is great. She always cuddles me the most loving way when we sleep and really wants to be close to me in general so she has never become distant other than sexually. We still have sex once a week, but she has made clear she does it only for me. It`s not spiritually fulfilling, nor sexually. It just makes me remember how much I want her. I tried to change myself to not want sex as much anymore, because I love her so much that it hurted me greatly to experience this with her. In this very day I`m writing this post, I have given up after years of effort and there is a great conflict within me. I remember my old self every day when I look outside the window or into the mirror, and I just miss that feeling of being complete. Now I´m just continuously sad due for giving up the greatest pleasure. Second worst issue have been the fact that she wants to have male friends. I detest this, and I can`t even find words to describe how I feel about it after the issue above. These two issues (the one above) work very badly together in my mind. I made a stand back in days for either one of us not having friends from the opposite gender other than each other and we almost broke up. She has never understood me in this topic. She just always claims that I don`t trust her and acts all offended even though the level of "offended" in me is far deeper, thus resulting in huge fights where we both propably see each other being a complete moron. After fighting with her about this issue for an year almost every week, I gave up and let her have her male friends, yet being completely disgusted every time I see her phone vibrating from a message. I know she messages with her male friends a lot, and this makes me puke. I however know that she does nothing wrong in those discussions expect having them at all. I have a right to read her messages if I want to, any time, it has been the deal. Also I have a right to meet all her male friends if I wish, and I have met some too. I have not asked to read the messages for a long time now, because I believe her story; She has no sexual desire towards her male friends at all. This I do not question. I however know that almost all those male friends most likely find her sexually appealing, and could try something if they had a right chance. I´m just deeply troubled by the whole scheme, and find it very uncomfortable even though I trust her intentions to be what she tells me. I just don`t understand why I have to go through this at all, it`s just pure madness for me and a situation I thought I would never be in because any other situation like this in my past life would result in me walking away. The worst thing about all this is that I can`t even try to live the same life as she does in this area, because if I would try to get a female friend she would find that wrong due to fact that all her male friends are from her life before we even met. She has stated that if I try to get a female friend, she perceives this as a revenge and will get more new male friends as a retaliation. This makes me feel like she just undermines me as a man, even though I have treated her with the most respect for our whole time together. She wants to have her own rules and have me following them, not listening to mine. Third and the least of these issues (a major one still) is that I can`t live the life I want anymore. She knew before moving in with me about some of my ways of living that normal people would find rather strange. I have been going out, partying for 2 days in a row sometimes without sleeping. I have done literally anything my heart perceived like fun. I have not asked questions, I have experienced some always memorable adventures that have been genuinely bizarre unique and fun that left me feeling great for months. I was just awesome, and always in a good mood because there was nothing I couldn`t do. I felt immortal, I lived like a rockstar. My life was so enjoyable, and built just for me. I have still always taken care of my responsibilities, my finances etc well and the lifestyle never led me to any problems. It was just life of me, nothing bad into it really. These days she gets really anxious if I even mention about this kind of stuff, and basically forbids me from taking part in this kind of life anymore. She has mentioned that she has to leave the house if I do something like this because she would not be able to bear it. From her this is not a threat of break up, I know she would come back, but how am I supposed to enjoy whatever I would be doing if she feels like that. This all has led for me living a normal boring life, that eats away my soul more and more every day. If you believe breaking up would be instantly the right move here, trust me it`s not. I have never felt so loved as I do with her, and I honestly never have had as good friend as she is for me and I love her deeply. She gives me this warm feeling I like to call Home, a feeling I don´t think I have experienced since moving away from my childhood home. We also have many hobbies together, and our daily life is usually fun. Fun, but killingly normal lacking some factors that I value a lot in life. Continuing the way things are now is not a good move either, because I will regret it later in my life for sure. I also know I would regret walking away from her, I would smack myself every day for doing it afterwards and the missing would eat me up. It`s Christmas time now, and these thoughts are basically everything I have. I wish I could just tell myself the words: Hey bro, your life is awesome. What fun stuff are you gonna come up with your holiday? That`s a thought I`m not able to have with the current state of things, no matter how much I try.
  6. I cant stop obssesing about my partner staying in touch with an old lover. He has been secretive about it and I've snooped his phone. He knows. I feel bad about it too but proves my fears. I wake up anxious at night. Is our relationship ruined? We have been seeing eachother for more than 2 years, we had a miscarriage right at the beginning of the relationship, the pregnancy was unplanned.. ive gotten over it and we have understood we shouldn't put ourselves in that scenario if things are so shaky. He's fantasized about having 2 partners and even though I thought i could deal with at the beginning, I realized im emotionally uncapable. I told him I couldnt and wouldnt do it. I have too many insecurity issues and I distrust my partner. He's stayed with other people in touch he was involved and says he doesn't want to be told what to do. But that he wouldn't cheat on me. He says he's not fully happy about us. Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself for it. Im trying to work on it. We've said we would try it over and over again but the fact is, i don't trust him. I have never trusted anyone in my life before as I have been hurt many times already. Weve been meditating together and say we will be sincere to each other. I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late. We've gotten to the point in which he's supposed to move to another country with me and I believe he might end up cheating me with someone who lives there from his past. I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety about him not respecting our relationship and setting boundaries with other women. I know all the theoretical stuff about how I should be behaving..., ask myself what kind of relationship do I want and try to work towards that but sometimes it feel like its not enough. Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother. How do you change something like that? Were both in our late 20s beginning 30s and he wouldnt want to see a therapist together. He doesnt want it. I feel that if we dont figure out our stuff itll just keep on happening in other relationships... am I lying to myself? Also, I know snooping isnt cool, but why is there distrust? its a reaction. Also at the same time I wouldnt have a problem with him going through my stuff because I simply have nothing to hide. I feel like I wanna have that kind of closeness. He absolutely KNOWS I wouldnt do that, in a way I feel that might be the problem. I even moved countries for him and I just feel like in a way I dont even know if he will actually move countries for ME next year. I just have so much distrust. I guess I just need some perspective. Im supposed to leave for 1 or 2 months back to my home country for a while. Very uneasy about what thatll mean... how to let go and just let things unfold without feeling like Im forcing so much?
  7. Me and my partner were together on/off for 11 years ,we knew each other previous to that but he was married and i was in a long term relationship which when both ended we got together he moved in and it was good for a few years until i found out he was cheating with someone from work (he worked nights in a hotel) at that time, so he ended it and didnt talk to me for 6 months until one day i bumped into him near where i lived and he said the feelings were still there so we got back together eventually he moved back in but the trust on my part was shattered even though he tried to gain my trust certain things triggered it and we would argue plus we hardly went out and i never met his family or friends even though he met all of mine, outside of that we had a good connection and would talk constantly about anything but last year out of no where he ended it again saying its not going anywhere but this time we remained friends and eventually he started staying over even though we both agreed it would never work as a couple again but after a while i didnt feel good with this situation as i still had feelings plus we were arguing over silly things and 4 weeks ago he said its come to an end and theres no going back this time and throw his stuff away which was at my place and 5 days later he blocked me, he sent me an email a week later saying'' the reason i cut communication was for the best and lets see where we are in a few months and maybe be friends take care'' i do miss the conversations even though hes acted terrible for no apparent reason and the worst part is the blocking as it feels so final...
  8. I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago. For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping. I asked him to never contact me again and was heartbroken. I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong, he now says my behaiour has ruined our friendship. To add to this he said I had betrayed his trust as I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me. Just feeling very lost and confused :(
  9. I am worried my boyfriend and my Sister in law have a thing for each other. They are both flirts. My sister in law drinks wine and she gets all lovey dovey and schmoozy after a couple glasses of wine and everytime i have a new boyfriend she gets flirty with them and its getting to the point that its making me very mad. Its gotten to the point with my most recent boyfriend that i am avoiding visitation with my own brother just to avoid this situation. My boyfriend who is also a flirt even w/o drinking but give him a couple drinks and he crosses my boundaries when it comes to flirting. So we kind of avoid drinking in public. When we are at my bro and SIL's house she won't leave my boyfriend's sight and one day recently she asked for my boyfriend's phone number and out of the corner of my eye i caught them giving each other the eye stare. Then when we are leaving she wraps her arms around my boyfriend's neck and kisses him on the cheek near his mouth i think only because i was standing near him saying goodbye to my brother. I used to really like her but now she is making me sick. How can she be so disrespectful to my brother and undermine thier relationship. My brother acts aloof but i just bet given the chance she would jump at the chance to bed my boyfriend. I dont trust neither one. I am trying to rebuild trust in my boyfriend after he did something to break my trust and this surely doesn't help. Just a couple days i caught my boyfriend eyeballing a pretty lady at a store. I know his body language . He moved in real close to her as we were walking out ( i was behind him) and slowed down as we were walking past her desk. Its as if he wants to be acknowledged just to see if she was interested. She looked up at him and smiled and said goodbye. This makes me feel so insignificant. We had an all out argument over it and i told him how this makes me mad when he does stuff like that & how it makes me feel.. i have no desire to do anything like that to him. I only have eyes for him so this makes me wonder just how much he loves me if he keeps chasing someone elses tail. So, now that we have a somewhat close relationship with my brother i dont know how to react or how to intervene because i have a temper and i m afraid when i blow its going to end my relationship with my brother. I want to see my brother but i cant stand my b/f & my SIL flirting with each other. It really bothers me and make my visit with my brother very uncomfortable. How can i approach this situation without coming right out with accusations and making things ugly? I feel like my feelings are always getting challenged. I know i do have problems with insecurities and i'm trying to work on them but things like this doesn't help. 😔
  10. Hi. I have been in a relationship with a nice man for a year now. He seems very invested in the relationship although for the first few months he moved very slowly. About 6 months into our relationship he went to Las Vegas with friends. He has since admitted that a few of the guys, some married were unfaithful. When I probed him on this he told me that they had used prostitutes. The difference between my guy and the others is that he doesn’t drink much alcohol or take any drugs. The reason I probed him Initially on the trip was because I felt uneasy when I saw the guys reaction months later when Vegas was mentioned. They looked uneasy. My head is telling me that he wouldn’t have admitted the friends had been unfaithful if he too was but I have had trust issues from previous relationships and it has made me feel uneasy. I remember him on one night messaging me from the trip and telling me to remember how much he liked me and my paranoid brain thought it seemed like odd timing at that time but as I am prone to overthinking I don’t know if it is my issue. He swears nothing happened but all guys looked guilty when the trip was mentioned a few months previous. At the time I thought it was my over active imagination that they looked guilty but obviously not. He reckons he looked guilty because his friends wives were there and he knew what had happened on the trip. He is different to his friends in lots of ways and has other groups of friends who wouldn’t do this kind of thing. Will I ever know for sure.. should I just put my doubt aside?
  11. Not sure how to tag this post. I'll keep it simple. Right now I'm male, 30 and in a loving relationship near 7 years. All 10/10 on that front. But lately I've been thinking about an ex ("Jane"), and the possibility that a very close friend of mine ("Mike") may have at the very least tried to hook up with her. This was like a decade ago. Suddenly I can't get it out of my head and I'm depressed and angry about it. I dated Jane in college for 2 years, where we were steady boyfriend & girlfriend until she decided she needed "time off". Felt like I was getting demoted and that suddenly I wasn't as important as she was to me. It was awful. She'd go off the radar for weeks with "friends" only to show up and pretend no time had passed. Tried it, hated it, broke up some months later. Maybe a week or so after I break it up and cut every tie, my friend Mike gives me a call in the evening. He's frantic and asks if I've spoken to Jane. I hadn't. He tells me he's coming over. We meet and he's in a state I hadn't seen him in before or since. Anxious, panicky, "dude this is serious" level of seriousness. Again he asks me if Jane had said anything to me (she hadn't). He relaxes a bit. We go have dinner. He explains that Jane had threatened to tell me Mike had tried to hook up with her. I reacted by choosing to believe Mike. Jane was an unstable person, especially in our final year together. She was loud, easy to anger, feisty (at her worst she threw things at me) and, I knew this too well, always making empty threats. Child of a physically abusive family and prone to substance abuse, too. It's not that I didn't have reason to believe Mike didn't have a thing for her. Me and Jane used to double date with Mike and his girlfriend. We were part of the same little group for so long, and Mike is this hopeless romantic who gets a crush on any girl who hangs in his vicinity for a while. Thing is by the time I broke up with Jane I hated her guts, wanted nothing more to do with her, saw this supposed threat as a final stab at making me miserable. But she never contacted me about it. All I ever got out of the situation was that Mike was panicked and ready to go out of his way to get to me before she did. 8 years later I'm obsessed with this past scenario for no real relevant reason. Mike is one of my closest friends and, outside my girlfriend, the only person I can spend on a videocall for over 2 hours in the middle of quarantine. I love the guy. But the uncertainty gets me. If I were to question him he wouldn't trust me anymore, and if he were to admit it I wouldn't trust him anymore either. I wish there was a way of confirming if he did try to get it on with my ex but all I have was his version of a thing my ex never brought up (nor did I ask: I've never contact her since). I moved on all these years and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. I hate being lied to and the possibility that my friend has been sitting on this lie all these years breaks my heart a little bit. What would you do in this situation?
  12. Just wanted some advice on this as I'm really not sure how reasonable/over-reactive I'm being about this: when is a gift not a gift? Basically, my gf and I have a long distance relationship. She lives in Canada and I live in the UK. We spend 3 months together at a time together. The last time she was in UK, the relationship deteriorated. It looked like it wasn't going to work out. The day before she left I asked if i could hang onto a book of hers I was reading at the time and mail it to her in Canada once I was finished. This admittedly was during a period of high pettiness that had ensued. She seemed hesitant but agreed. I said she could have it back as she didn't seem happy about it. I said "you keep it" but eventually she relented and let me hang onto it, after which I mailed it back. I also mailed back another book I thought she might like. Key point: Unbeknownst to me however, on the last day she was at my flat, she took a rare book (a gift she had given to me) away with her. I only just found this out, 7 months after the event, because I was looking for the book yesterday and couldn't find it. I asked her if I had the book in my collection as I could have sworn she gave me a copy. She initially ignored the question, but the second time she admitted that she took it and was sorry. The issue is I feel very betrayed by this. I feel that A. taking a gift she gave me from me/not telling me is a huge breach of trust B. I feel the fact she tried to bury the issue, not telling me or owning up to me is really bad as well. Unfortunately, she's not someone who handles criticism well. She thinks I'm attacking her by not immediately accepting her apology and wanting to understand why she did this and how I can trust her in the future. So, am I overreacting? One of my female friends thinks it's not a big deal and I should get over it. For me it is big deal though, and says a lot about a person's character.
  13. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  14. I am having some examples lately of guys who are perfect, and we have a perfect first date, converstion, laughs, etc. After that I go home excited thinking about how may tings advance, meanwhile their next move for a second date is inviting me at their home to watch a movie. Dont get this, it really dissapoints me as I thik that means just to have some casual fun. It is weird but it i not the first time it happened to me. After this I totally lost my trust on these guys, how can I build it back? It is funny but it is the third time happening nd they all seem great guys during first date...I just cut them out after this, but this way I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I should consider building trust continuing dating them and see wht hapoens. I am just very stubborn, I cut them out directly and I go really soon to conclusions.
  15. Hi I feel in such a dark place right now about a week ago me and my boyfriend split up, we had been together for 2 years and there had been a lot of ups and downs if I'm being honest mostly downs he cheated very early on and then he lied about texting another girl so there were serious trust issues but I'd never experienced a loving relationship before and I knew he loved me so we had a fresh start put everything behind us he was honest with me but other things happened when he moved in he got lazy I did everything i mean everything paid for everything but instead of talking about it I bottled it up and then I just exploded called him every name under the sun and told him to leave and that it was over, we haven't spoken but I miss him I miss being loved by him I just cant believe it's over and I'm finding it hard to function everything feels hard and exhausting I dont understand why I know it was for the best I'm trying not to think about just the good times but I miss him so much even though I dont think he was the right person for me but I'm scared I'll never feel that way again and its just devastated me
  16. Will you trust someone after they cheat on you ? Or will you always doubt ?
  17. I'm 28 and after my 4 year relationship ended, I've felt lost. I was inattentive, but she was needy and had trust issues (whole story in my other post). Now she's pregnant to another man 4 months after we broke up. I know there are a lot of things I need to change, things that I want to change to better myself and for myself. I want to become fit and agile, I want to stop playing so many video games, I want to stop watching porn, I want to watch less TV, I want to become a better communicator, I want to be less frustrated and irritable, I want to learn new things, and I want to learn how to balance my time to include those I love and care for. Yes, this all stems from my previous relationship, but I am not doing it for my ex seeing that she has moved on and now has an unplanned pregnancy. I want to be a better, more well-rounded person for myself and the next relationship I go into. I don't know what i need to change exactly, i just know that I've never been the dumper and want to change something, if not many things about myself to be successful. However, I don't know where to start. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm missing out on a lot of things due to the way I decide to spend my time...
  18. So here is some context, currently we are dealing with the COVID-19 situation and because of this I hadn't seen my boyfriend for over a month. Weve been together for two years and overall things have been great. I can admit I do have trust issues based on previous relationships and things from my past and that's a problem I am trying to work on. However he's never really given me a reason to 100 percent not trust him. Yes, he does have a lot of girl friends and it does kind of make me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I cant and don't want to control him. Sometimes though I do get very insecure and I hate to admit it but I have looked through his phone before, only twice in the two years we've been together because I always feel awful doing it. But sometimes a feeling of burning curiosity comes over me and i just do it, mostly as confirmation that he hasn't done anything because for the most part I don't really think he is the cheating type. Well, just this week I was able to see him again after so long (well long to us, the most we've gone without seeing each other was like a week and a half) and that was really wonderful. However during the time apart I was worried of a distance forming between us because as time went on it felt like he didn't really want to talk to me as much and i don't know he just seemed distant. and i got a little insecure because what if the physical distance made him lose interest or something? i don't know but something felt a little off for me. Yesterday he spent the night at my house and we were hanging out today just relaxing. Well he fell alseep in the livingroom, his phone was in my room charging, and due to me having such an odd feeling about what was going on when we couldn't be together i went on his phone. I wasn't expecting to find anything as always, however this time I did. It was on his snapchat, there was a girl he was messaging and no shame to any kind of sex workers but she was a girl who clearly sold pictures of herself and I'm sure you can fill in the rest. what made me notice it was that her username said "[her name] ($ for nudes)", so obviously I was like what the..? The chat was only him messeging over a span of a few weeks, she seemed to be ignoring him or something. It was just messages like "oh i found your snap through a group chat you looked amazing" and "i can see your reading my messages why arent you responding" and such. it just seemed very fishy so i confronted him about it and was like what is this, who is this, what were you trying to do. and all the while he wasn't responding, just shaking his head no. I asked him why he wouldn't explain what was going on and eventually he said I'm not going to explain something that didn't involve anything wrong. I just wanted to know what his intentions were with her and what was up. he ended up getting really mad at me and said he didn't even want to look at me. so he left to go home. I don't know if I did something wrong because he got so angry (which he never really does, i was shocked when he said he didn't want to be around me) or what going on. I just don't understand because he was the one who had sketchy stuff going on, if it wasn't sketchy or wasn't what it looked like then why couldnt he just explain it? I know he didnt cheat but a boundary was definitely crossed and it is very hurtful. Because he knows without a shadow of a doubt that doing that kind of stuff is a no-no in our relationship. I let a lot slide, but that is something I am not comfortable with. So the fact that he would do that anyway just makes me feel like he doesn't value my feelings. I don't really know what to think, so thoughts?
  19. Well we have been together for just over a year ( me male 33 ) ( ex she is 30 ) Met through our CrossFit class. Feel for eachother. Started dating. Got on amazingly well. Things were going really well until I found out she lied about being in contact with an ex. Wasn’t so much the fact she was talking to this ex as she had already told me from the beginning she would talk and work for a different long term ex. My issue was being lied too. Anyhow cut a long story short. I’ve struggled with trust ever since. When it happened she said it was a mistake etc and to try again. Fast forward to Christmas. Sat next to her one evening there were messages from a guy on Facebook ..I asked who it was as she’d never mentioned him before. Turns out it was an old friend. She bumped into him at uni. Trust issues flared up a little as I explained she would talk in depth about her life and the people in it yet left this guy totally out of the talking. Go forward a few days she admitted to me she actually had a sexual encounter with this guy years ago. She doesn’t know why she lied about it and there was nothing there or going on. Even though all the messages had been deleted. Caused us more issues obviously. She again said she was sorry. It was nothing. She was scared of telling me the truth. It must stem from childhood issues with her parents and a quite abusive ex ( the ex she used to work for and remain in contact ) but that’s a different story. Now onto me. I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her. I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us. We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. The pattern continued where we would fall out. I would Criticise her for little things. Though to me having to constantly ask to take dirty dishes out or put some washing home whilst she was at home and I was a work used to bug me. Anyhow we fell out one evening last week. We kinda said we hadn’t been happy. Probably weren’t suited ( emotion were high. Being stuck in lockdown ) Clearly our communication has been non existent. I can admit that I’ve failed to talk about how I’m truly feeling. Got to the point she left and head home. Tried contacting her that evening but to no success. Next day tried ringing, texting emailing and nothing. Finally got a response that emotions are high. There’s pressure on us. We both aren’t happy at the moment. She thinks we need space/time to reflex. I accepted this and said ok. Monday I receive a text asking if I want to meet to talk in a couple of days. I said yes and we arranged for this evening. Since then there’s been no normal messaging. It’s literally just been to arrange the meet/time etc I did send the last message yesterday evening and ended it with ‘ how are you doing ‘ to which I haven’t received a single reply. She’s on lockdown. I know she uses her phone throughout the day. I’m guess I’m on here as I’m worried. I haven’t been sleeping properly ( two hours last night ) I’m meeting her tonight ( hopefully ) We have feel out before but quickly resolved things in the past the day after. It’s been 5 days. Haven’t seen her. Spoke to her. I have all her belongings at mine including bank cards, push bike etc I wonder if this talk is her walking away for good? But if so why drag it out? Why not tell me on Monday that we needed to meet and talk then and not in a couple of days? I’ve suggested we go for a walk tonight ( exercise on lockdown ) Nothings been mentioned about her stuff. I guess I’m scared. The space has given me time to reflex. It’s been a god send. It’s made me realise I need counselling. I can get very snappy and impatient. I gather I have underlying problems rooted somewhere that I need to address. It’s opened my eyes to how my I love her. That I have regrets and I’ve made mistakes ( being human ) I just hope it’s not over. I’m not going to beg. I’m calm at the moment although exhausted. It’s affecting me not knowing what’s going on. I want to listen to her and for her to listen to me. I get our communication is one of the areas that has let us down and it’s both our faults. I have things to work on as she does.
  20. A little bit of a backstory, my boyfriend of a year was over and took a shower and I tapped his phone to check the time when I saw he had a message from someone on Kik. Knowing what most people use Kik for I got a bad feeling and decided to go and get my phone and download the app, sync my contacts and boom. Underwear pictures for both his profile and background picture and his username was saying hes a bottom. I obviously get upset but being timid I kinda rush to get him back to his house and talk to him over text (might be weird to some of you but my anxiety will get so bad I legitimately wont be able to speak words). At first he tried to lie and say it was a really old account but I called him out and told him I saw he had notifications from the app. He eventually tells me he was questioning his sexuality and thinks he’s bi but he wants to be with me. Long argument later I tell him i’ll still talk to him but can’t promise I’ll ever trust him or feel the same about him. About a month maybe two go by and he’s a state over visiting family and I’m suspicious and obviously not trusting him still and decide to download Kik again and message his profile just a simple “Hi.” And surprise to me he messaged back all flirty. I text him again beyond hurt and this point and he begs me not to leave and he’ll never do it again. I had gone through hell and back with this boy and didnt want to start over again after I distanced myself from friends and family. So I’m still with him. All of this is making me feel like I’m actually going CRAZY, I’ve downloaded and redownloaded Kik at least 20 times in the past 4 months making sure he hasnt been on that account but he could’ve always gotten a new one and gotten smarter about hiding it... So I started searching names that were similar to his Kik name, Snapchat, Instagram, even his ps4 name. When that wasnt good enough I started looking through gay Kik groupchat members looking for someone that looks like him. I’ve gone through hundreds of groups and profiles not sleeping because of it (tonights episode has me at 5am right now). I feel so paranoid and scared of finding something. But I don’t know what else to do and obviously me not trusting him has effected our relationship, I lash out at him unintentionally because I’m still angry and hurt because of it all. I just can’t get the thoughts of him sending pictures to older men (he’s 17) and the fact he considered himself a bottom. I really dont know how to end this.. So I’ll just say thank you for reading and any advice is much appreciated.
  21. My ex (28M) and I (25M) dated for two interesting years. I sense there was always some kind of instability in his life since he quit his job, lived abroad for a few months, was unemployed, then started working 3 jobs up until the end of our relationship. I tried my best to support him during all these phases, but there was always some type of uncertainty as to what our future would look like, pretty much because I felt like I wasn't included in it. I started resenting him because of this. Having said that, there are other things that happened which made me feel much more insecure: -He was still in contact with his ex at the start of our relationship and kept doing favors for her. I communicated that this made me a little uncomfortable but then he explained that he always tried helping people out, no matter who it was. -Before becoming official, he dated around, which is completely acceptable, but 6 months in our relationship - he received a call from one of them at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night while we were hanging out with friends. He panicked and tried to hide his phone quickly. From this point on, I started feeling insecure as I felt he was hiding things from me. -We had other ups and downs in the relationship due to stress (he wasn't happy with one of his jobs) and we basically just strained our relationship and our partner with negativity. I do have to admit that what eats me up inside are the times that I didn't treat him nicely and pushed him away at times. He says I became so suspicious of him that it was quite difficult for him to open up emotionally and share things with me because he didn't know how I'd react. He felt he couldn't trust me. The last straw was him going to his best friend's bachelor's party. They hired strippers/escorts, which I was not okay with because the groom had cheated on his fiancee in the past. I said I wasn't going to be that naggy girlfriend and just let him go. The next day, the bride called me crying and devastated saying that the groom admitted to have slept with one of the strippers, and told me that everyone that was at that party did too. I was livid. I confronted my ex and asked him, to which he denied everything. A few days later the bride messaged me telling me to ask my ex where the party was held and who was there. I did. He confessed that the party was held at his ex's apartment building and that she was there. This tore me apart, not because she was there, but because he didn't consider my feelings and our relationship when he chose not to tell me that the party was going to be held there. Now, I'm thinking to myself what else did he hide from me. He said he didn't tell me about the party being held there because he knew I was going to make such a big deal over something insignificant to him. He didn't trust that I was going to take it well. He said our relationship would not work because there is no emotional connection between us and that if there was, none of this would have ever happened. He also said that he felt as if he 'lost' himself in this relationship and that he wants to feel free to do whatever he likes, with whoever he wants whenever he wants. He says he wants to find himself again. He says he feels empty and alone. Now I'm left feeling guilty for not being more understanding of him. I'm feeling mad at myself for falling in love with this man. I'm mad for seeing the good in him even though I was broken one too many times. At the same time, I feel as if though this could be fixed with better communication. There were obviously amazing experiences we had together as well. I gave so much to this relationship emotionally and was committed to making it work. Now I'm just a mess. I just need some advice and perspective.
  22. Naturally, I was never really a person who would get jealous in general but recently being in a longer relationship it started to come out of me - not mild but very bad. Everytime I see a girl passing by especially wearing a bit revealing clothes, I look at my boyfriend to see if he will look at her, and usually he does. It hurts me deep even though that glance lasts for a second. When I tell him to stop doing it he tells me he doesn't and that I'm imagining but I'm pretty sure I have 2 healthy eyes. Now, I know I sound insane and I feel that it's very unhealthy for me to behave like this but I just don't know how to stop it/deal with it. It's getting out of hand and I don't even know why I started feeling this way out of nowhere. It literally makes me insane and I keep having nightmares. I have to mention, everything else in our relationship is great. This guy moved to my country just to be with me. However, I cannot accept this - it plants insecurity in me and it makes me lose trust in him. I wish I could change my ways if I'm wrong here.
  23. Hello! I’m not sure if its the right place for this question But here we go.. On my boyfriend Instagram posts there’s always a like that not shows, for example in one of them he have 4 likes But when I click only three people appear. I try to check from an account of two different friends but its the same , 4 likes but three people only.. I love him and I do trust him But i am curious about it .. What u guys think it is ? Thank you!
  24. Hi, Thanks to all who participate in this forum... it helps a lot! I am 38, male, and I am together with this woman since 2 months , and really in love with her. The time together have been super intense, with a lot of love-making(since the first date actually), cooking together, sport, 1 week holidays and basically most of our free time together (which i loved as my last relationship I suffered from her not wanting to commit and move together or spend more days together) I also did nice things for her when she needed something and she for me and live was just pure happiness. Some ago weeks she got a bit upset because i saw a photo of my friend and his girlfriend (whom i dont know) and i said "wow she is pretty" or something similar. I didnt think that it was a huge deal but she was upset. Last week we were in a small cablecar together and just in front of me was a girl, maybe around 20 and, honestly, I couldnt help to look at her as she was quite attractive. Now, I only remember it like having a few glimpses of her face but, as according to my gf, it was really obvious and she said the girl noticed and got embarrassed. (just for context my girlfriend is just as attractive or more, just in a different way) For some days all was apparently ok with my gf (though we had almost no sex those days) until 2 days ago she exploded and told me how she felt about it and left abruptly my apartment to go to hers. She says that if i behave like this in front of her and dont respect her, then she doesnt know what i do when i am alone and she cannot trust me, and she doesnt want to keep investing all this energy if the foundations are not solid... Which I get, and I feel terrible about it, and of course the last thing I want is to bother anybody or make my girlfriend feel like i dont respect her, and i will really try avoid staring in the future. On the other hand... as a man, even a man in love, i will always find some other women attractive.... and it really doesnt mean anything, i love my gf the same and i have zero desire to even talk with those other women. In all honesty, I wouldnt even recognize that other girl if we crossed on street. Any advice on how to try to regain her trust?
  25. Starting to believe that I am bad at love after looking at my past post... Briefing , we dated for a few months.. It was a going well.. Didn't like how she was always buying me clothes and material things.. Told her I'm fine.. Jumped in and told me she loved me quickly.. Didn't respond doing so.. We'll last we I was suppose to take her to the airport and her sister did was I was mourning for someone on hospice.. Called her where she flew to and said I was going to go to a friends.. That ended with her yelling at me and blowing up my phone (she later told me she didn't want me to go get drunk and drive home) She left so many messages and then gave me a time limit to call/message her.. I did 3 hours after doing so.. She started dating someone that same day and that was last week, and moving out of state with him.. She talked to me and said she wanted to be friends and think about it.. On Thanksgiving we video chatted told me I always can make her smile.. Well, we had a blow out text and phone fight Monday and then she messaged me this on FB.. I can't respond to her and I'm not blocked from her profile.. Sry, tried to make it short.. Just want someone with a clear mind to decipher what this means.. Here is your message she sent to me.. "Hey I really cannot talk right now but I have a lot of things that are important to me and I just don’t know if I can trust you to be the person I need, I need to know that I will get the help that I need because I’m getting worse and I cannot trust you to not quit talking to me again I cannot sit in the room all the time, I need someone that is going to show me how much they love and care about me, we had a blast together and I did care about you I just need stublity and to not have to worry about everything. I need a car and I cannot afford one, there is things that were fine in the beginning but I needed to grow up and take responsibility for me needs, I am not going to just stop talking to you all together but I cannot deal with this right now. So please don’t think you are a terrible person to me I just need more than what you can do for me right now. I did not move on quickly but I made it loud and clear my problems with you not answering me but you did it twice and you screwed me over by not doing what you promised to do. I do still care but I cannot do this every day I need my space and some stability. So I will talk to you another time, I never ment to hurt you but you were not talking to me so I moved on."
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