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About Me

  1. I think most of us could use some emotional support through the pandemic. To be clear this is SUPPORT , criticism and blaming is not needed. I know some us out here are high risk or normal risk. If you need a warm fuzzy today, I love you ❤️ Virtual hug.
  2. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  3. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  4. Hello there! Please I really need some other perspective thoughts and advice on the topic, cause it seems I am stuck in my own thoughts and I am starting to feel very sad about the situation, maybe overthinking it. A couple of years ago I met someone, nothing important happened between us, but we really clicked. Because of the conditions we decided to not make any advance, to call it quit, cause we started living very far away from each other, but kept the contact, like two times per year, just for important occasions. The think is that I did not like that guy when I met him as much as I like him right now, I have developed feelings during this time we have not seen each other. Anyways it has been difficult to meet during these years, but we have discussed it once, like maybe we could just meet, but to my opinion I am falling for him more, maybe he has changed his mind since when he said we could meet, and it has passed a long time since then (it was not possible because of covid). I feel like he is the type of guy I want to be with in the future. Now the part of the story is that, during covid, I met someone else right here where I live, I just wanted a distraction, I didn't want anything serious with this guy I met, actually I have said this since on the first date. Anyways it has been 3 months we are seeing each other, we are spending almost every weekend together, creating a good connection, but not getting in contact during week, cause this is the way I wanted to keep things with him, and it seems he was ok with this. I did not want to have a stronger bond with him, cause it is going to be difficult to call it over at the end. I have it clear in my mind he is not the guy I see the future with, but he is so good, so empathetic, so understanding, It breaks my heart I may hurt him, cause I have reached this point, where I have a great weekend with him, and feel destroyed after each weekend because I dont know how to end this. I have told him I am in love with someone else, and he has said I am free to do whatever I want, but the fact that I am with him now is for a reason according to him, and that the other guy I am in love with is not in love with me according to the guy I am dating. The problem is I cannot stop crying cause I talked to him about this and he seems to be attached to me. I cannot help myself, cause I didnt want the thing to reach till this point. I feel like I have used him just to make myself feel better for a short time and now that we are till here, I cannot say to him I do not want to continue. Actually I like being around him, we have a lot of fun, but I cannot compare him with smn I am in love with. I feel so bad cause I feel I may hurt him. And also he has had such a difficult life, and he tries alwas to make me happy and to be happy apart from what he has passed during life. He tries to adapt to my needs and necessities so much. I feel guilty and also I dont know if I could be able to enjoy now a new relationship if it comes with the guy I have loved, cause I will be thinking about how I hurt this guy. It is my fault for bringing the thing this far, I dont know how to escape from this without hurting him. But I also want to see him, I want to hug him like a friend so much and tell him I am sorry. OMG he seems like he really loves spending time with me, how am I going to do this.\ I dont know what to do, but whatever thing I may do now will hurt me. If I say to him this is over I am going to hurt him and myself because I didnt want things to go this way. I prefer him doing smth bad, like cheating on me or something, so that I can feel free of this guilt. Is there any advice on what would be the right thing to do? As per the guy I have meet some years ago I am not sure is he is still into me but I still have feeling for him. Thanks.
  5. Dear Catherine Angelina Marie, You were a miracle to have been conceived at all and I am so blessed to have been your mother. I know it maybe be silly to some that you have been named and that I would make a journal for you. I may have only known about your existence for about a week but you were still every bit my child and I love you. I have no idea if you were a son or a daughter but I have named you a girl. I am happy you have the company of your other siblings in heaven. You can be sure mommy thinks of you and loves you.
  6. Hi everyone! I'm in major need of advice. So. on June 10-17 I was out of town for work purposes. When I got back later that week I grabbed my boyfriends laptop to play a movie and his e-mail was on the screen. There was one particulare email that stood out to me so I opened it. It was a back and forth email with a prostitute/escort. I confronted him about this and he felt very ashamed and swears nthing happed that he was just curious and extremly horny and desperate while I was away since we hadnt had sex for a 1 1/2 weeks. Let me also add that the reason we hadnt been sexual was becasue we were going thru issues. He had missed my brothers wedding in order to go hang with friends in NY. So obviousl y I was mad. I immediatly ended this with him because it was very hurtful to see this! especially since after my trip we had been very intimate and loving so I didnt undertsand where the needs were coming from? despite this we worked thru things and everything had been going great. Until today. 7.17.19. I happened to go on his computer and saw he had 11 unread texts. So i opened Imessages and saw that during the days i was away not only did he e-mail, but was texting! multiple conversations. again he swears he didnt meet up with anyone and i believe him, but im just so torn!!! I love him so much and I know he loves me as well! i see it. its very confusing to see the man i Love do this. I feel like thats not MY guy. we've been together for 3 years and live together. What should I do?
  7. Wow, I can not believe you have been gone for almost 3 years now. That seems an impossible amount of time. I come to think of you because I know we will be leaving you behind when we move. That does not grieve me like it once did. I know you are not really in your burial place but in my heart and in heaven. I have let go of a lot of grief, but there will always be some while I can not see or hold you. I will have to wait for my life to be over to do that. Your big brother still talks about you and asks what you would be doing in life now had you been with us. I think his heart is better off knowing you did exist, even if you are not with us. He is not angry anymore and he speaks of you with love in his eyes and joy in his heart. You both would have been fabulous together. Dad misses you too but he walls it inside, he said your death was the single worse day of his life. We are all moving on though and we still think of you daily and less and less with sorrow. kisses little one, Love Mommy
  8. My text messages to my girlfriend of 6months... Perhaps I am going about wanting to protect this relationship in a niave and missinformed way. Perhaps I'm too insecure for you to be honest, and you're just protecting me and what we have, a possible future. Not hanging out with ex partners is something I do on purpose, because I want to invest in us with the goal of being best friends that can share anything with each other, say anything to each other. I still believe we can have more than either of us can imagine together. You're a fkcing rock star, I see that.. You are still with me, even though you have seen me at my worst, and have never seen me fly. ***For me, corrisponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners without reasuring or talking to me about it is damaging to our relationship, and a deal breaker. You've made your intentions about Kevin very clear and I look forward to meeting him some day. Because of that, I trust you with him. But, I love you, and love is all I trust, perhaps I'm greedy, I want live and bask in love for the rest of my life, because with out it, we grow cold and alone. You have loved me and shown me love, shouldn't that be enough, shouldn't I feel lucky and blessed, to live and breath in the moment? And perhaps you don't want or are not ready for this type of commitment, and perhaps I spoke to soon. Reguardless, my heart feels liberated and free to love again.. Thanks to you... you are an amazing woman...
  9. Hi everyone. Yesterday I was about to check my emails when I realised that my boyfriend was still logged into gmail on my laptop from when he was using it at the weekend. I was about to log out so I could sign in and as my eyes glanced across the screen I noticed an email notification from only fans. For those of u who are unfamiliar with it, it is an an online website where people can sell nude images and videos of themselves. I wasn’t planning on looking through his emails but this surprised me and I was curious to see if there were many more emails from the site. I find out that he has been on the site since the start of this month. He has subscribed to two girls on it and has spent 23 dollars so far. The emails he gets are informing him that he has just received a message from these girls. Most of them seem like spam messages. I don’t think he really communicates with him much. I am okay with him watching porn and I know this is going to sound like I am contradicting myself but I feel like this isn’t right. He is individually choosing these girls and spending money on them. The fact that he has done this is quite upsetting and makes me feel really insecure when I can already give him what these girls have for free?! I plan on bringing it up with him when I see him at the weekend. I don’t know if I should be annoyed about this or not. I kind of wanted other opinions on the situation. I love him and I know he loves me but I find this a bit disrespectful. How would you react? Thanks for any opinions/ advice :)
  10. Hello, I have a crush on a coworker at the school I work at, which developed a few months ago. We both work together at the after school club and are a similar age (24). There's been some instances where I don't know if he likes me too or is just being friendly. He's French and moved here in October, and I've been helping him practice his English at work. Some kids at work said we're in love so planned our wedding and we got "married". I've often seen him looking at me and looks away when I catch him. He always makes jokes and laughs with me (again, probably just friendly but my crush brain wants to think otherwise haha). He told me that he always thinks about me when he sees / hears about a football player because we're from the same place. This is long but I'm just giving instances where I've wondered if he feels similarly.. He recently brought clothes shopping with him to work, and another colleague asked him why he had all of them and he said it was because he needed to impress me, then told me not to worry and that he was trying & getting there (said in French so might not translate the same). I know it was a joke but there was an annoying part of me that wondered if he meant it a little. He also repeats my name a lot to himself, e.g. after he's said hello to me he'll repeat it, or after someone else says my name he starts to repeat it to himself. An old friend of mine works at the school during the week and said she thinks he likes me. Not sure if that means anything but there we go 🙂 Sorry this is so long! But I'd appreciate any replies as I'm annoyed at myself for overthinking little things about our interactions haha.
  11. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  12. Actually i fall in love with my friends. We always chat and talk many things and l always asking what he doing almost everyday.But sometime he busy with his club activities but he always reply even though it's late n said sorry. He is a good friend n treat around him nicely including me.For me he like an angel, when people asking a help, he willling to help them even though he busy he always try to help other people.One day i told him i have a crush on someone and it was him.He kinda shock and just say Wow.I don't know but nothing is weird happen. We talk like usual.But i can see the changes. A long time ago, even though he was busy he will always see my status ws everytime i post it but now he never see it.Sometimes we on call, i always asking him whether he busy or not and wanna call.I don't know i just love him, every time i'm panicked his voice heal me.Sometime we talk about assignment and talk random things more than 1 hour untill the phone, the line get cut because too long on call and there are limit time.But he will call me back or text to hear my story or continue to hear him.This make we forgot the time and talk until 4 a.m.. I aaid to him if the phone getting cut that's mean we need to go to sleep n i think u shouldn't call me back. Sometime he also forgetful n promise to call me but he never do it, i got angry i know i shouldn't and he said sorry.I don't know i just hate this feelings.He continue treat me nicely and we call like usual we do if i have a problem, he will be there for me, but right now when the phone , the line getting cut, he not call me back even a text, and i ask him should we continues and he said ok n sorry he need to help his friends. i don't know if the changes or the way he treat me maybe a sign of rejection that i can't read.To be honest i want to ask him directly but i'm afraid making things hard and akward between us.If this was a rejection and he only see me as a friend how i become independent amd ignore him in my life.Thank u sorry for long text😅
  13. Advice and feedback would be really helpful if you believe it can be improved. For the purpose of this site, however, I hope it’s inspirational and encouraging. I wrote it in response to my first break-up, hope the message helps you all in whatever stage of “loss & love” you may be in ; ) The Rain Will End - O.F. Hanson (Copyright Majestic Records Inc.) The rain that fell on little rose petals Gave it growth in the eye of the storm, That youthful flower that refused to settle Will blossom to beauty as though reborn. But for now my heart lacks its mettle ‘Cause I didn’t want to move on knowing I’m not yours. And on the day you said goodbye It had rained like never before All the ways I wanted to cry When you chose to walk out the door But, baby, that will be no more ‘Cause someday the rain will end And my heart will spring back again, Though I’m still hurt about it now In time I will recover somehow So let the heart blossom begin, Because someday the rain will end! But for now young roses wilt in the mud Holding their wills to never again be torn, Mem’ry of the days they were once a bud Reoccur as their new resilience reforms. And those most deserving to have true love Are the one’s who always manage to weather the storm. And on the day you left me here It had rained like never before All the ways I showered my tears When you chose to walk out the door But, baby, that will be no more ‘Cause someday the rain will end And my heart will spring back again, Though I’m still hurt about it now In time I will recover somehow So let the heart blossom begin, Because someday the rain will end! Everyday that it falls and rains I will let it pour, It’s the only way for growth and gain Until I need it no more! And on the day you left my life It had rained like never before All the skies had lost their light When you chose to walk out the door But, baby, that will be no more ‘Cause someday the rain will end And my heart will spring back again, Though I’m still hurt about it now In time I will recover somehow So let the heart blossom begin, Because someday the rain will end!
  14. My ex and I had been together for 10 months now. Early, he used to spend time with me, we used to talk often, laugh, have fun. He made me his world. After 4 months or so he started getting distant and stopped spending time with me. When I confronted him, he said that he thought I was using him and that his sister said I was using my past as a way to gain sympathy and love ( I had been through an abusive relationship a couple of years ago) He added he didn't fall for all that but due to cultural and religious differences he thought this was the best excuse to push me away. Drama happened we cried, talked things out and every thing went back to normal for a while. Again he started pulling back, being indifferent, preferring his friends over me. I had no idea why. But he said he was depressed and that I wasn't being supportive by complaining all the time that he wasn't as talkative and loving as before. I often felt hurt and started to get insecure about our relationship and I would get emotional over little things. He explicitly stated that his female friends held precedence over me especially one friend who he says he like a sister because he knows them longer than me. I felt upset and said that I was not his priority. He got all defensive that he didn't mean it like that. "Just because I prefer pizza over pancakes. Doesn't mean I hate pancakes." His blame shifted to me, that I am the reason he was getting indifferent because I wouldn't stop creating drama. His opinion was that I was making a mountain of a mole hill over petty issues. I don't think cancelling our date three times..or not being there for me when I have a bad day was too trivial. However considering that he was feeling overwhelmed and hurt by all the pressure I was seemingly putting on him. I promised I will try to change that. Later he asked for a break, but insisted he wanted to keep talking and hanging out with me. It was really strange that he was more at ease when on a break than otherwise. He stated that my expectations were high in this relationship and he can't keep up with them so he needs space to figure it out. He felt he was becoming numb. But we will be going on date on my birthday and that I was important to him. He still cares for me. My birthday came, he texted me a happy birthday. I asked if he would call. He simply said..no because I will get the wrong idea. I got a bit upset. I asked if the date was still on and he says "Its unlikely that will happen". I panicked and asked I wanted to talk what was going on. But he kept ignoring me the entire evening and went off to play video games. I got furious, I had held resentment from the past few months and I left a voicemail crying that I am tired of his indifference and lack of empathy. I felt unimportant and didn't hold much value in his life. And he doesn't message or talk to me again". At night he responds saying that I am only hurting myself in all this and making him responsible for hurting me. He broke up with me. After a few days we talked over the phone. He said he didn't know whether he wanted me in his life anymore. I created too much drama. I should have accepted the fact that he remembered my birthday and texted me. About the date, he said he "became " and forgot about it completely and that he was sorry, he doesn't us spending good time together. "You are not good enough"...that's what he exactly said. He was in fact paranoid and scared of meeting me. We decided to give each other space for a couple of weeks. His friend told how he had taken off a week from work since he was so upset. Later when I talked with my ex again, he stated he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I proposed maybe we should talk things through and spend some time together and see how it goes. He repeated the same thing that he was sorry but he thinks he will never have feelings for me again. Then he said he wasn't good enough for me. Some things in the past turned him off. His reasons were that it was both his and my fault for him losing his feelings. He sarcastically added that I could have a second shot at the relationship if I could reverse time. He wants to be friends though. I told I had still feelings and can't be friends right now. And have gone NC since then. I just don't understand what did I do wrong? All I ever asked was to be treated with love and respect and suddenly that is "high expectations". I wanted us back together and work things out. But I guess I hurt him too much and he doesn't love me anymore. How can he just lose feelings, in a couple of weeks and say he can never have them again? I feel guilty and sad. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. Any advice on this situation?
  15. I used to date this guy, who I still have crazy feelings for. I'll give a detailed background on what our relationship was like. So I had a crush on him initially, and I confessed to him, and he accepted it, and initially, it was so sweet, we really got along, had similar life ambitions, and just in general, the relationship was really smooth, we contacted each other a lot, it was amazing, I was really happy. Then slowly, he started taking longer while responding to my texts, sometimes 2 days sometimes 3, I was tired of being the only one putting in all the effort and I had a lot on my plate as well, with regards to extra curricular activities, and everything, and so we mutually agreed to break up. Around few weeks later, after I was done with all my work, he contacted me and asked me if we could call. We called and talked for 5 hours straight, and all my old feelings came back to me. We called each other the next day, and we sang songs to each other, it was just amazing. Then a few days later he tells me, "I've been trying not to date people much, but I feel like Im falling in love with you, and you're the first girl I've decided to date in 2 years, what should I do?" I was obviously really happy at that, and I confessed back too, then he asked me out, and we started dating. This time we dated longer than we did in the past, and I swear to god, I was the happiest I've ever been till date. He'd even sacrifice his sleep for me, if I'd been busy, I'd tell him, "I'll be done at this time" he'd come at that time, and we'd talk for hours and hours. We both would sacrifice our sleep, mealtimes, etc just so we could talk, and that'd be my joy everyday. I actually have hormonal issues, so I get terrible mood swings sometimes, so I shouted at him twice for doing nothing at all. But he was still patient with me, and kept saying "sorry" even when he did nothing wrong. Once we were playing a game, and we lost consecutively 5 times, because of me, and he told me "you don't know anything about this game at all, you should do this in this situation and that in that situation" but I was mentally on a low at that time, so I didn't even accept anything he said, and told him, "you're being really mean to me" when he wasn't even being mean, and then he got mad too, and said "oh i am being mean? you told me you don't want to play this game, and you're playing just to spend time with me, but honestly it's a burden, because we are losing just because of you, you're not fun at all, you should just stop playing this game." I was really sad :(( and i told him that, then he said "im really sorry". I dont know why, but I kept trying to put in so much effort after that fight, he stopped making time for me, but I still kept sacrificing like before, so that our relationship works out, but it looked like he was already tired of me, he slowly went back to not replying for days and days, and when i told him that he just said "im sorry" when I asked him to break up with me, he just said "im sorry". I was really really sad about it and wanted the pain to end, so I left him a long message, telling him, how someone else could have treated me better, and saying stuff like, "I hope we don't talk again, you have hurt me so much" and blocked him on all socials. After three weeks, I found out that he got one of my socials from my friend, and told me, "i am sorry about what I did, please unblock me so that we can talk" he sounded really desperate and told me he was looking for me for a long time, and wanted to apologize for everything, and I apologized to him for everything I said too. Again, at the start we were talking a lot, and everything, he even told me personal things. I was kind of shocked when he told me about his sex drive, and how it being abnormally high bothered him, but I thought maybe he really trusted me as a friend and he said it, so I told him to consult a doctor, then he did, and then he took my suggestions for stuff like what he should gift his mom for her birthday, it was happy. But now again, he has gone back to not responding to me, like before, and I'm sorry, but I still have feelings for him, and I really really want to know, if it is worth investing any more time, into this. Yesterday I told him, "Please reject me so that I can move on" but he hasn't responded to that message yet, and I don't know how long he is going to take this time, maybe even a month. I just want to know if it is worth continuing to love him and wait for him to come back again, or should I just stop all contact with him for a few months and let this go. I have never felt this way about anyone before, so I am really in a mental turmoil because of this. I am so sorry this ended up being so long ╥ _ ╥
  16. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  17. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
  18. Hi all. This is my dating journal! So by way of quick introductions, I'm male, mid 30's and (obviously) single! My relationship history is fairly limited – I had a 3 year relationship in my early 20's with a girl who I liked but, with hindsight, I was never in love with. It was simply my first relationship and I knew no better at the time. Since then, the longest I've seen anyone for is 5-6 months, which has happened twice – the first when I was 25 and the second when I was 33. Both these girls, I had crazy strong feelings for that unfortunately weren't fully reciprocated and both ended with me totally heartbroken. But other than that, it's just been 1 month / 2 month things. But anyway, I am keen to meet someone. Ultimately I'd like to meet the love of my life but I feel in the short term, I just want to enjoy dating and see where things go. A big weakness of mine that I've discussed in this thread here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560989 is that if I like someone, I can get much too emotionally invested too early rather than just being in the moment. I can also get too disheartened by flakiness / lack of responses / unsuccessful dates. One of my big focuses in writing this journal will be to keep reminding myself that most people are not our match. That conversations fizzling out / no 2nd date / no connection will be what happens with most people and just to accept this as par for the course rather than becoming too frustrated and disheartened. Finally, what are my motivations for writing this journal rather than keep it all to myself? Firstly, to hopefully get advice and encouragement from others. Secondly, for others to read and maybe take something from, both good and bad Thirdly, to read back in 5 or 10 years and hopefully have a really good laugh at! I'll chronicle this weekend's dating adventures in the next post.........
  19. Ok so it's been almost 9 years since I came on here, it just popped in my head.. enotalone! SO I've been with my bf for a year now, and we are still getting to know eachother's quirks and feeling each other out since we were doing long distance for most of our relationship. The issue I'm having is that, he is a great, warm, loving boyfriend, sweet and sings to me and is silly. He is such a genuinely good person, and I feel like the lucky one. But he is also a super laid back football player type that will kiss me in public but I have to initiate it usually. I always seem to interpret his laidbackness as rejection of me. What can I do to be able to receive his love the way he is showing it to me rather than always feeling let down if he's not all over me every second? I usually end up pouting and saying something like "you don't care about me" blah blah blah, I cringe at myself after lol. I need advice! I just love him so much. Like the undeniable, forever type of love, like I just want to be with him all the time and take a bite out of him love. help
  20. Hello guys, this is my first post ever but I just don’t know what to do. Maybe someone here can help me. I’m in my early 20s and my life has been a little messy the past years so this will be long (sorry!) My ex broke up with me almost two years ago. The relationship was very toxic and after the breakup I hit rock bottom. Until this day I’m still struggling with my mental health because the event triggered a lot of other issues too. My ex didn’t tell me why he left but he is still reaching out to me and sending me flowers. Which to me is insane and stupid. but my real problem begins here: In the current circumstances I don’t really meet new people irl. Also I don’t really want a new relationship after my last. So I distanced myself from dating. Right now I’m trying to take everything slow but I want to figure out what to do next. However a year ago I started talking to someone on Instagram I’ve met a long time ago in school on an exchange program to spain. First we texted in English since my English is better than my Spanish. But I want to better it so after a while we switched. (I’m German and live in Germany so it’s very complicated.) I really liked him but I haven’t seen him in person in 6 years and I’ve never dated someone online. Therefore, I tried not interpret too much into it (also I was happy without the pressure of a relationship). We started sending pictures to each other but we never spoke on the phone or FaceTimed (which was ok for me because Spanish is not my native language). Half a year later he ghosted me and posted pictures of a girl so I assumed he was dating someone. We weren’t excluded or anything so I didn’t care. Last Christmas he texted me again and said he was sorry for not responding but he gave the relationship with his ex another try (which failed). I told him that it’s ok because we were not together but he should have told me. I normally never give guys more than one chance but here I don’t even really know what it is. We started texting again. This time I was careful and I told myself this is his last chance. After awhile we both were really busy and we kinda ran out of things to talk. I also was a little bit annoyed because he likes to be very sexual and talks about it a lot. It was convenient for me because at that time I started talking to an old friend who likes me more than just friends. He is a nice guy. I guess he would be a very good boyfriend who visits me in Germany or treats me well. I’m still talking to this “new” guy daily and I think he would want us to be serious (sadly it’s also a long distance and he is spanish). Weirdly I started missing him a lot and I feel like I’ve fallen for him (which I tried to avoid!!!) I know that he is probably not good for me and there are a lot of red flags. Since my breakup I never had this kind of feeling for anybody. I’m very attracted to him and I can’t stop talking to him. The other “new” guy is so sweet and perfect so he would be a better fit but sometimes I feel like we are not on the same wavelength. Or I might try to manipulate the situation. Sometimes I compare the two and my heart wants something different than my head. This is only a short version which is still very complicated. I kind of already know that he’s probably only lonely or uses me for something. But otherwise he puts a lot of effort in and we understand each other. It’s not the same with someone else. I love talking to him and he says the sweetest stuff. What do you guys think? Should I talk to him about it or forget him? Should I focus on the other Guy? Is he just so sweet to me to have someone to talk to or satisfy his needs? But why does he always come back? thank you!! Mari
  21. My ex and I were together for 8 years. 2 beautiful children under 5. Last couple years with stress of children, owning a home etc has been rough. We used to have a strong bond and thousands of great memories. We nearly broke up 3 months ago, when she was distant, and I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc. then the fighting started up again. All over trivial roommate type pet peeves and annoying loud house from children. She became distant again. I was reviewing our cell bill and noticed hundreds of text messages in last couple weeks alone to a familiar number. Her gay best friend Greg. I always supported their friendship, but hundreds of texts in a week seemed odd. Our daughter was playing games on her phone and asked for my help. I then go to texts and all but a few are deleted. I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit. She explains she has wanted to move out for awhile, and texts were aboutmaking the plans to leave, and advice. and I wont let her. She is no longer in love with me and its not fair to the kids... I then ask if she is willing to go to counseling. she says no. I then ask her to pack her things and leave. Keep in mind we lived together for 8 years. That was a month ago. she has since got a new apartment and all new life. She did not ask for her bed, TV, computer and many belongings. I continue to pick up Kids at daycare friday evening and drop off monday morning. I was on defensive claiming to be done and moving on with my life. I am a proud family man, and cherish my family and love her dearly. But I cannot allow her behavior. I was not about to ask her to come home, nor seem weak. But my heart hurts terribly. She has essentially been doing no contact for the entire month. COLD SHOULDER, no responses to pics of kids, nothing. This past weekend was first time I saw her in a month. She shows up all dolled up. I asked her to speak to me and she wouldnt look at me and keeps walking. I send a couple texts and she explains if we talk about kids only she will talk. I cant help it but to speak about feelings anyways. she sends pics of the kids back. no speak of feelings whatsoever. She acts as if she is hurt and trying to hurt me back. I kicked her out for wanting to break up with no counseling!!! She later texts, that " Ido not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" putting it back on me. 4 days later... I had flowers and her favorite pizza delivered to her work. She sends me a simple text.. "Thanks for the flowers and lunch" I know its a step in right direction. for an entire month she has acted like she is DONE! This is one stubborn nut to crack. I dont expect to run back into each others arms, and expect to take things slow. but damn I need more from her than she is giving. If she was done, would she be saying thanks?
  22. I had a very close, very deep connection with a friend for 15 years. I've never felt any other connection like it, I felt like he was my soulmate, or that we were kindred spirits. I believed in him and in the connection between us, and because I met him when I was barely 21, my belief in this formed a foundational part of my adult identity. It formed the basis for my sense of hope about myself and my life (I came from a difficult and unsupported home. He 'saw' me and 'knew' me, or at least, did things to make it seem that way). A couple of years ago, things shifted between us. There was always an element of romance to our friendship, but it was not something at the forefront, and I often responded to suggestions of that with fear (it is very difficult for me to trust and be intimate with people and I think the depth of the connection I felt made me feel vulnerable). I suppose, for me, it was something deep within me that just 'knew' that one day we would, or should, be together, but that it would be in the future. Anyway, a couple of years ago, things shifted between us and it felt like something was going to happen. He treated me really badly during this stage. I felt loved by him, I felt like he loved me by the way that he looked at me, by the things that he said, and by the way that we were together. But - consistently - just when it felt like things were definitely moving in that direction, he'd start dating someone. He was a serial dater, constantly meeting women online, and breaking things off after a couple of months. And in between, there was this confusing, charged, 'stuff' between us. I went a bit crazy during this time, I hardly knew which way was up. Looking back, I realise how damaging and harmful his behaviour was, and how it was driven by denial, low self-esteem and an addiction to dating. He was a womaniser and he used and threw away so many women. I knew this about him, I felt him to be wounded, I saw the person underneath who had so much love and goodness, and who I felt so connected to, and I felt that he knew it, and felt it too. Eventually we kissed one night, but it did no go well. It produced further mixed messages and confusion, and dishonesty on his part. He told me he didn't want to be involved with me, but then treated me like he did, and made me feel, again, like he loved me, and that there was hope. Only to drop me or ignore me for weeks, and serial date. It made me question my sanity and my grasp on reality. This situation culminated in our spending the night together, when very drunk. Afterwards, he blamed me, shamed me, and broke contact with me, ostracising me from the social group we shared. (A group in which he has more power and influence than me). He told me some terrible, cruel things that I am still trying to recover from, 18 months on. After 6 months, we resumed contact and I told him how the whole situation had made me feel. I apologised for the actions on my part that had led to the breakdown in our friendship, (mainly, that I just wanted to know what the *&£& was going on and was unable to accept his treatment of me - which was basically to just erase me so that he could continue enjoying his life without having to deal with what had happened between us). I didn't get a real apology from him, although I could see just how sorry and guilty he felt. He struggles to apologise, although at a later date, he did partially do this (and it was a very emotional, authentic moment between us). We agreed to stay friends and to rebuild trust between us. He very much wanted this. But weeks in to that, he started letting me down again, dropping me and forgetting about me - not following up on things when he said he would. He has made me feel so worthless and forgettable, like I just don't matter. But he frequently has told me I do (without my prompting). When the pandemic happened, which was very soon after our initial reconciliation (curtailing our ability to reconnect properly as I no longer live nearby, although we have have talked online over this period). He totally crumbled. Complete manchild. He continued dating (meeting people in person, via online dating sites) all throughout lockdown and eventually met a girl who a few weeks in broke things off with him. This seemed to catalyse him into a period of growth. His extreme vulnerability due to lockdown allowed him to emotionally connect with this woman, and as a result, he continued to pursue her and they are now back together. He talks about her like she's the 'one', he told me, in great detail, about the great connection he has with her. How he imagined a future with her. It feels to me that the situation of the pandemic forced his wounded nature to grow and heal, and that this woman is now the beneficiary of that. He's reformed his womanising ways and is free to love and give - he's happy, in love, and going to have a future with her. Being forced in one place, and having fewer distractions and options to run, is deepening their bond and giving him the time and space to actually settle in to a real relationship. I want to be happy for him. But I am so desperately hurt and angry. He wounded so many women, for years, and he wounded me, and he's still so oblivious to it. My life, and my sense of self and identity was destroyed because of the careless and cruel way he treated me. But he gets to be happy. He gets to benefit from the pain he caused me by knowing not to treat someone else like that. These are all things he has basically said to me, in one way or another. And even though I know he feels guilt and sorrow at what happened between us, he hasn't really made real amends It's been me giving him all the opportunities, and every time it's mattered, he has let me down. He drops me or just entirely forgets about me and any communication we have had. He just forgets, like he has forgotten everything else he's done and said. Like it's nothing. I can't trust him or rely on him, but it is so hard to let go, to something I believed in for so long, and someone I cared for so deeply. I don't think there is a way forward for this friendship anymore. And I don't think there is any point in me telling him about how I feel. But I am struggling so much with the idea that he gets to be happy now, when I am still in so much pain. It doesn't seem fair, and I feel so helpless. I wasted so many years of hope and trust in someone who I still believe felt deeply for me, but who could only treat me cruelly. And then, to make it even worse, is now giving someone else everything I thought we would have - everything he made me believe was there between him and me. I didn't project...he either manipulated me (because of his desire to be loved by everyone) or really did feel something, but I know I didn't imagine it. I know I have to give up on salvaging anything; relegate him to the past and block him from my mind. But I don't know how to cope with the anguish that I feel that he is now reformed! That everything he did to me was a waste, that my love was a waste, and that there are no consequences for him. How do I do it?
  23. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  24. So i have this almost 7 years relationship, on and of. I can definetly say he was in love with me since the first time he saw me. He spend almost 2 years chasing me, but at that time i wanted nothing to do with him, maybe because he was always so present i did not acknowledge him. Finally when i was 15 i decided to give him a chance and we became boyfriend/girlfriend. He was always so sweet and attentive and i was rather cold so broke up with him because i wasnt really in love and it was summer i went away, school year started again and when i saw him moving on i decided to chase him and we started dating again for 3 1/2 yrs. I moved away for college and he stayed, gossip started crossing my way he was cheating on me, i came back for him ( dont know if he knows thats the reason why i returned) but we started fighting a lot because of the gossio and also i knew something was off so we broke up. Then he started going through the stage boys go through kissing every girl they find attractive and being literraly a ***boy i was so devasted and wanted him back so badly i always stayed in touch and saw him almost everyother week, he went to my house and we spend the night as if we still were together. That went on for like a yr until i decided i had enough and met another guy which i dated for like 8 months, around the time i was starting to date the guy he obviously came back in an obsesive way that he wanted to be with me so badly. He kept pushing for like 4 months into my new relationship, after that he didnt bother no more and i went on for like 4 months without hearing about him. Then pandemic arrived and the new guy and me broke up, and my old boyfriend called me exacly the same day me and the other guy broke up just to see how i was doing,that was when i told him and of course he kept in touch. By that time i was heartbroken by the other guy and didnt want nothing to do with my old boyfriend, but he was still there for me even though i was ***y and undermining him. On december he was pushy again saying to me to let him go if i didnt want anything but since i the new boyfriend never cameback and i had no one i wanted to keep seeing him “till i find someone new”, for the past 3 months i treated him like he was uninmportant and i was the bigger better one. talked to him when i wanted, saw him when i wanting and always fighting with, because i could. Almost a month ago he decided to end things for good, told me he was tired of me mistreating him and that he didnt deserve it which is true, told me to never talk nor call again to give him space. I realized how wrong i was for treating him that way and apologized and told him i was ready to be with him and change my attitude but he wasnt interested anymore. 2 weeks ago i learned he has a new gf. she is 25 and he is 23, i know thats nothing but anyhow, she is wise must treat him so diffrent as i did, becuase i always loved when he chased me. talked to him after hearing about the new girl, he must have meet her when i was “trying to fix things with him” and treated himm with such emotinoal abuse, and i asked him if he was happy and he answerd he is peaceful now, told him how hurt and sorry i am but if he is happy then i will try to be happy for him too. Now i am so heartbroken because i let my soulmate go, i know we are young still i am 21, but we have known each other since we were kids, he is my bestfriend. And because of me having this fantasy about older men because my last guy was 27, i had this conception of him as if he was a kid, but he actually has been the most attentive and loving guy to me. I know i cant do anything right now, but i know he thinks so poorly of me as if i am the worst thing that has happened to him. But i am not that way and i just want to show him how much i can love him, been thinking constantly of all the things i want to say to him everthing i see he would have like i always think how he would have reacted and i just want another chance to be better with him so badly.
  25. So my first ex boyfriend and i where trying it out again, sort of. We have hurt each other a lot actually but somehow we always find a way to get close again. For example i broke up with my second boyfriend during pandemic and my first ex called the same day i broke up with the 2 out of the bloom just to see how i was doing. Of course after i started a new relationship my first ex boyfriend felt devasted and he went through a lot, had to start therapy and was sort of depressed, it was a lot for him becuase he never thoght i will move on. Now things have changed, i treated him pretty bad since the call after my breakup, i wanted him to be there but i wasnt there for him, and i took advantage of him being there. Now he has a new gf, pretty fast, last time i saw him was on february 11 and i heard he asked the other girl to be his gf like on the 26th. On february 15 he told me not to call nor text anymore, he needed space, he was tired of me mistreating him and fighting all the time. Now i am devasted, lost my best friend. Never imagine him getting together with someone else since he was always so present to me, telling me how much he wanted to marry me and how much he wanted a life with me, for us to be back together. After he told me not to call or text, to give him space, ( also i apologized asked for a chance for me to change and actually investing in our relationship) i did exacly that gave him his pace and now i have learned of his new gf which is bigger than him and ive never heard about her it was like out of the bloom as well. I broke up the silence and asked him point blank, are you happy? he spend a couple of minutes to answer me as if not lnowing what to say, and his answer was im in peace thanks god which is the most important ( He told me i was toxic, didnt gave him peace ), i told him i was glad and that i was hurting because i knew how much fault i had in the situation but that i will try may best to be happy for him and let him go. I know we are young, we still are in our 20's but i just love him so muchh, he has always been there for me and i always think about him even when i was with the other guy. I just wantt to know what you think of this, if he will come back, if he actually got tired of me , or if getting together with this girl is a way to forget or punishme
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