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About Me

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  1. I've never wrote on a self-help forum ever but i think this is a good time to do it, so here we are, I am kinda trying to fit into the personal development comunity but i never had like a contact with a social group interested in the same stuff, Lately i have noticed a lack of motivation to follow my routine and doing my responsabilities or doing daily habits, things like doing homework, working out (this is weird because i really love exercising), going to classes, or simple habits like taking a shower or getting up early, i know all of that is important and it's going to improve my life but it's like when i have to do all of that my brain says no and i can't get out of that. It's not all the time, but i feel like i am in a vicious circle of trying to stop the laziness doing what i have to do, and a period when i have zero motivation of doing everything and relapsing in bad habits, i'd like you to give me some advice on how to recover a good motivation for doing these habits and achieving my goals, and also having a strong discipline so i can break this cycle as soon as possible, maybe i need to do introspection of what is going on with my life or something? or maybe i need to find a purpose so i can stay motivated with what i have to do? (which i have been trying to, but i can't find it), anything that can help me please reply and thx.
  2. Oct 23 /2019 I was diagnosed with diabetes. And before that with hypertension. I still have time to turn this around. Right now my A1C is 6.9. And on meds my blood pressure is 105/75. Monday night I am joining a diet support group. I want to lose 50 pounds by next Christmas.
  3. ok. at the moment. i am overwhelmed with so many different feelings that i want to just run. run until my legs give out. if any of you have read my past postings, you would know that i am meeting my biological mother in whom i have not heard from since i was 5. (adopted) so its been really hard preparing myself for this situation. im afraid that when i see/talk to her that memories will come flooding back to me. i don't know how to react or how not to react. im actually thinking of "leaving" on that day. which is a very negative thought because i have been trying to face my problems, and not run away from them. so... already. ive got pressure. i can't talk about it with my parents because they don't know she is coming. and i don't know what they will do. so yes, its hard. but we all know life isn't easy. last night was the hardest night. i haven't cried like that in a long time. a very long time. i also have testing going on right now. every morning for 3 hours for the next 4 days. so there is pressure. i have to pass in order to graduate. no problem, but yes... im stressing over that too. and lastly... today's issue. i almost burst into tears in my biology class when i found out. i held everything back, all i wanted to do was run out of there and just curl up in a ball because it just keeps getting worse. i found out that one of my good friends is in the hospital because she slit her wrists last night. i don't know how bad it is. she doesn't even know i know. and im afraid. im so afraid. i don't know what to do anymore. she hasn't done anything like this that i know of since last year. as far as i knew, we were both doing better, for the first time in awhile. i know that yesterday she was upset over her ex. i tried to be there for her but she said she didn't want to talk about it because she would freak out again. i know this sounds selfish towards her feelings but this is not what i need right now. This makes me feel like i am not being a good enough friend, it makes me feel lower than low. its all so overwhelming. she has done this before, but not near hospitilization. and she knows that i will freak out. i am freaking out. so im meeting my mother, i have a billion tests to take and my friend wants to die. i don't know how to deal with all of this. she has been so good to me lately. listening to my problems. and i have tried to be there for her, and we do talk about her stuff, its just that i usually have to drag it out of her and i don't want to feel like im pulling teeth. this sux. im getting a headache thinking of all of this again.
  4. Hey everyone! I know there is no perfect way to lose weight...and what I have done is just started eating better. I have not counted calories or fat grams...and I WILL NOT lower good carbs (IE whole grain bread). Pretty much my take is, getting lots of fiber and I have completely eliminated fast food and junk. I have been staying away from foods that are processed as well. So far, I have lost 40 pounds. With my body type...I have gone down 4 dress sizes. What I want to do now is start exercising more. I have tried going to the gym...and it is really out of the way for me, and I find it really boring. So after doing some checking around I have found an indoor pool that would be pretty easy to access...and since I picked up another job while in school, the price shouldn't be a problem. I think I can squeeze in 2-3 times a week...for about an hour and a half to two and a half hours at a time. Obviously any exercise is better than none...but will that be enough to lose more weight? I chose swimming because I greatly enjoy it, I find it soothing and relaxing....and find it far more enjoyable than the gym. It is easier on my joints (I have tendonitus in my wrists and elbows), and I get a cardio workout while toning. So...any info anyone? Thanks for your help!
  5. This past year has been the hardest of my life. I feel like the world is judging me, almost condemning me. I feel I am all wrong for the world. Sometimes even the responses here make me feel worried about myself, that I am too this or that....and that I destroy everything I touch. I have never had as much intense pain as I have experienced this year. There have been nights when I have thought so strongly about suicide that I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I have gone to counsellors, doctors, am on medication, but it seems like my soul is crying out...and that no pills or doctors can tend to what is going on with me...on a soul-level. What it is seems so simple...to love and give love. I try to practise this daily. I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....I long for the pain to cease...but it seems like such a part of my soul now. My chest hurts so much at night...I have never felt this way before, but the pain has caused my chest to constrict, and it hurts to breathe. I feel so warmly toward people, and I believe in romance, passion, love, honour, dignity....I love beautiful poems, art....I appreciate kind words...sometimes when a customer smiles at me or compliments me, I feel so grateful....this kind gesture means so much to me. But at home I feel so lonely....the apartment is so silent.......It seems I am so careful with people, not to hurt them or come on too strong...I am careful to be myself, to show my appreciation and love. I just pick the wrong ones...the ones that hurt me. I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me. I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........ I just needed to write this....If anyone can understand and write back....thank you.....
  6. How do you trim some unwanted fat off your buttocks/ does anybody know of any good stretches or exercises to get rid of it? any siggestions would be great.
  7. 3 months ago I found out that my husband had been interchanging calls with her female co-workers.The day I found out was 3 days after I had a baby.I was home coming from hospital and that women called,they talked for like 30 minutes.She started asking him about computer problems because h e is a computer technician;and then she kept talking about their job,so they ended up talking for about 30 minutes.The job they do, is to train retarded people ( people who have retarded mind).They teach them how to work and how to take care of themselves.They were working together one day for 13 hours a day.The place they were working in, they were with other people in builidings for 6 hours and then they would stay in builiding themselves with those retarded people for 6 hours,and they would drive together themselves at the end of work during night. After I heard him talking to her I asked him about her and he said that she was talking about what happened at work with their clients since she was covering his shift,while he was with me in hospital.Those clients have issues most of the time about their behaviors ,so that's what she was talking about.What I could hear from my husband was really,shirt,she should be fired no other comments.I got upset I entered the other room and then when I come back he had hanged off the phone.I told him that I don't want those calls from women,and he said he was gonna ask her to do not call him anymore. 3 weeks after I caugh a multimedia message to him from her which was a greeting of a pappy surrounded by flowers,kind of saying I miss U,but it didn't have any words on it.When I asked him about it he said that he doesn't know why she sent it.I got too upset and I told him that I want to meet both of them at theirwork and hear him telling her to stop calling him and sending messages,since I didn't bebieve he ever told her to do not call him anymore.He refuse saying that he doesn't want to loose his job.So he picked up the phone and he called her.He said"don't call my cell phone anymore because it is putting me in trouble,it is making my wife upset,and I don't want it to happen again,and don't send any messages".He hanged off and he told me that she said she would not do it again.After that she told their manager that me and my husband harassed her.Their manager separated them from working together.Since then they didn't work together until now.And few days later she accused him at their boss that my husband wasn't doing his job well.I heard all that from him. I went though the bills and I found out that there were several calls between them.I found that at the end of November and calls were for 3 months.Most of them were less than 10 minutes ,the long 0ne was 36 minutes,and few of them were between 10 and 20 minutes.There were few days when they called each other up to 4 times a day. When I asked him what the calls are about he said they were talking about job ,nothing else.He aplogized admitting that he made a mistake ,because he even called her few times after I sked him to stop.He said that the calls are long because the lady talks a lot. Well this is to confusing to me.I am very deppressed about it!It has been 3 months ,it can't get out of my mind.I am always asking him if he cheated on me,he says, no I didn't do that.He say that calls were just about job.However the calls are a lot ,it is hard to believe it!This drive me crazy ,I need to know the truth!In those days I saw some changes about him Which I don't remember very well.Iwas about to give birth.I am sorry this is a long story,I need help .What do you think ?Do you think this was an affair or I am just deppressing myself for nothing?I talked to one of his friends and he told me that one time my husband mentioned to him that, that womn was telling him about her sexual relationship with her boyfriend,and he told him that if he wasn't married he could do whatever he wants with her, because of the behaviors she was showing him.What do you think about this? What do you think was going on?Please help. I
  8. I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...
  9. I have a job which is full of stress, and have been struggling with the torrible pain in my back -for 3 months now- which hurts whenever I sit. The problem is this does not stop, I have gone to a series of doctors, all of which said a different thing, some said do not do any sports and some gave me some small exercise. So I began to do exercises, but whenever I get down, the terrible pain begins, than I began to get more depressed, and then comes the vicious circle!! I have realized that my mental situation affects my body immediately but I don't know how to get out of this circle? Any advice on how to reduce stress? or how to cure this pain is welcome, and let me add that I am not that kind of a person who enjoys going to a club, a sports activity or stg. like that, in other words I really don't know very well to make myself feel relaxed..I only like to have a walk on my own, but I am not sure whether it is good for my back? or makes it worse? Please help, I am starting to think that I am like those old old people who alwys speak of their pain!!
  10. Hi everyone, I have this lump in the centre of my wrist (on the top side of my hand) which is causing me a bit of discomfort. I am unable to move my wrist very far in any direction without experiencing pain in the middle of my wrist around this lump. I have had this twice before and it seems to go after about a week (last time about a month ago), i think it may be caused by using the computer too much. I cannot use the computer less as i need it for studying! I did a bit of research and found something called "carpal tunnel syndrome" but the descriptions of that refer to a different area of the wrist. I was wondering if there is anybody who can offer insight into what it is and give advice on how to stop myself getting it again. Is it anything to be worried about, should i see a doctor? abcd1234
  11. I have a wrist injury buy my doctor won't prescribe me stonger meds. I find taking 4 Tylenols 500mg each(we call Tylenol paracetamol here in aus) eases the discomfort somewhat. Anyone know how much Tylenol you can take in one go before it becomes dangerous? Thank you. P.S. I'm 6'2" and 195lbs if that helps. Cheers.
  12. Sorry for the length of this but I just need to vent and it covers the last year has been total hell. But today is the first day of the rest of my life. About a year a go I had a great social circle both at University and in my local area. Then my Godfather who I am really close to got ill. As it was the hottest summer in the UK ever and with people sweating more than normal he started sweating inwards, and it led to him putting on 70 pounds in water weight, water everywhere, head, body, legs, arms. It made so lathargic I thought he was going to die and he wouldn't do anything about it. My best friend who has a 2 year old son, my Godson, had problems posted about previously, she met a new man and we started seeing eachother less frequently, and whenever I asked for her support she made excuses to be with her new man. As my Godfathers health deteriorated, my fathers already poor health worsened, he ended up in hospital as well, he isn't a very good patient, very demanding, it put huge strain on my Mum and me. As a result my Mum turned to drink, to the point where one night she passed out in the passage, and couldn't move or respond to me. My uni work suffered my relationship with my best friend became non-exsistent as she decided she "Didn't need me anymore" and my Father and Godfather were seriously ill. I lost it, I didn't care about anything, I hated life and whatever higher power is up there. My Godfather eventually after 3 months in hospital recovered and my Dad also recovered, my Mum addressed her achohol problem although it still ain't perfect, and I lost my best friend and Godson the person who meant more to me than anyone. I loved making him laugh comforting him when he cried, helping him develop. One of my fondest memories is of being at the hospital with him and my friend when he was ill, he was getting better and was taking his bottle from me while my friend slept on my shoulder. It was all gone. 5 months later and I have quit University after failing 5 out of 7 courses, but I have renewed hope. I know what I will do with my future and I know how I am going to get there. I will do an accounts A-Level and get an A to add to the A in Law, B in Business and C in English Language. I will be doing an IT course gain some formal IT qualifications, I will get back into University and complete a Law degree and become a Lawyer specialising in Family law. I will support the people I care about I will be mentally stronger. Sorry if that sounded arrogant, but with renewed hope comes renewed confidence. By the time I am 25 I will have done all the above and I will do it all with the thought of my Godson driving me on to do it.
  13. SO i've called and begged, pleaded, whined, threatened (not in a scarey way). I've met up with him a few times (a month later) and lost weight got brown and managed not to get blasted and tearfull and made him laugh. I've even had sex with someone else. Still he is in my thoughts every waking hour of every day and I want him back so bad it makes me feel physically sick. We'd been rowing a bit before we broke up- I,ve got a new job and was stressed. So he calls me up and says he needs to concentrate on his career and be selfish for a while which makes me wanna wring his neck as I really needed his support. Help.
  14. when a girlfriend or wife loses alot of weight, like 210 down to 130, thats a tremendous alot of weight to lose, do most lose attractiveness toward boyfriend or husband? while thinking they can get better now or as more people look at flirt it could get in the way of our relationship???
  15. Hi I was seeing my girlfriend for a year and a half. She has 2 young sons and lives about 100 miles away. We solit up 2 months ago due to a few problems I was having. I've been suffereing from low self esteem and this was reflected in my not wanting to spend time with my girlfriends friends and family. The break up was very loud. Since then I have improved my health no end and received coucelling. I email my ex girlfriend last week with the following message: *her name* I've said an awful lot of things that I should have thought about before saying. Some things I didn't mean at all and can't justify why I said them in the first place (prat). I've been a selfish idiot and I'm sorry. I've missed you more than you could ever imagine and really want to see you again. I'm not sure how you'll take that, but a nice surprise would be really... umm... nice. I love you to bits *my name* I then rang her on Saturday and her mother (who was house sitting) answered the phone and told me she was away on holiday. I then sent her the following letter on Tuesday morning: *her name* Please read this... I have been the biggest and blindest idiot on the planet. I understand exactly why you have been so angry and upset with me and I understand just how selfish I have been. I am truly sorry. My stupidity has cost me the best thing I have ever had. I realise how important it was for me to be by your side with your friends and your family. Having had time to think things over and having listened to my friends, I know that this is exactly where I want to be *her name*. You know I don't come from a close and warm family, so sometimes I don't understand ways that other people's families work. Your family is lovely and you're so lucky to have them. I would love to be a part of your family (even though your dad sometimes bothers me). I know I have upset you by not wanting to be with your friends. This boils down to my having been paranoid about what they think of me, and that I may not be good enough for you. I realise how unimportant this is now and how much time I have wasted worrying about such things when I could have just relaxed and had a great time. I told you I'd had a really bad day the same week that I saw you last. What I didn't tell you is that as a result of that, I made an appointment the same day to see my doctor (scary Dr Irish) the next week. I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to be concerned and I thought I should deal with it myself. My doctor gave me some really good advice regarding my diet, exercise and habit s and I was told to get more sun. He also sent me to see a counsellor in Bath who recommended I read the book I was already reading. Both my doctor and councellor made a lot of sense and with my hand on my heart, I can say I have never been as healthy and full of beans as I am right now. I know I have surrounded myself with walls during our relationship and I've been over protective of my privacy and haven't been able to commit to you, as I really wanted. I want these walls down, and want to give myself to you as honest as I can be. But if you really still don't want to talk to me again, then I shan't write, phone or email you again. If however, you would like to step out with me for a meal some time or if you would like to go camping to Lulworth (and it's amazing surrounding bays where I camped recently) with the boys and maybe *her friends names* and their boys? Then get in touch. I feel I have wasted so much time concerning myself with so many little un-important and petty things that I've missed the bigger picture: I love you Wendy. You are so very important to me and I miss you so much it hurts. *my name* P.S. I want you here, in my bed, with my arms around you. I want to be ever so close to you. I then found an email from her waiting for me in reply to my email. She told me she had just got back from holiday and that she was sorry that things had ended on such a bad note and that it was "for the best really". She also said she was seeing someone else now. I absolutely adore her and feel as though I should have told her I was getting councelling. I know her new relationship is very new. She was always telling me during our relationship how much she loved me, but I didn't know how to repond. I so want her back. She would have got the letter today. I don't know weather to phone her, drive over there, email her or what. I am absolutely distraught. I don't know what to do.
  16. I've been on the pill for 2 months now. I'm supposed to get my period any day now & I heard that the pill can make your periods irregular for the first couple of months. I know the first month was irregular for me. Has anyone else experienced irregular periods while on the pill? How were your periods irregular, like were they early, late, short, or long? Also, how long until they became "normal" again?
  17. for about five years i've been suffering from depression and bizarre mood swings. my doctor eventually put me on antidepressants about six months ago. then i changed to beta-blockers for anxiety; then to antipsychotics to stop me from doing irresponsible things when i feel high; then to another kind of antidepressant. i didn't find any of the drugs i've taken very helpful in making me feel better; in fact i felt like my personality, my spirit was gradually being eroded away. i didn't want that to happen so i stopped taking my medication a couple of weeks ago; when my supply ran out, i just didn't renew it. now i am feeling quite low and tearful most of the time. can anyone with experience of this sort of thing give me any advice? i haven't told any of my friends or family that i've stopped taking the drugs because i know they'd think it was a bad idea. but ultimately, how is it better for me to suppress real, honest feelings just to act more normal? i want to do it myself. will i be able to beat this without medication?
  18. I have been in a relationship for 6-years & we live together. (I am 30) I have been miserable now for 5 years. I don't feel like the relationship is working. She loves me, but I just don't have those same feelings. I have not touched her (meaning sex, kissing) in 5 years. (She wants to have sex but I dont) I fight with her over insignificant things. I have been fantisizing about other woman (noone inparticular, just ones I make up in my head). I just feel like she is controlling. I have no friends. I used to have friends, but they are all gone. I am living a miserable existence. I tell her I need some gay friends & losing weight, but she gets jealous & mad. Saying that I am going to meet someone else & leave her when I lose weight, etc. If I am on the phone or receive a phone call she "jokes" that I am talking to my gf. I have no life. I can't go anywhere alone without her being with me. We don't go out b/c it is a miserable experience. If I talk to other people at a bar (women) she gets upset & starts fighting with me. When I take a day off from work she does to. Isnt it enough that we ar together 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. I need some free time. I want to see other people. I want to know what it is like to be in love. I can't take it anymore. My self-esteem is so low. I am afraid of leaving her. Afraid that I won't meet anyone else. Afraid that I will be alone. I feel old. I feel ugly. I have put on so much weight b/c I am depressed all of the time. I am not blaming her for these issues. She is a great person. I love her like I would love my sister & that is all. I just dont want to be intimate with her b/c I am unattracted to her. I am afraid to break it off. Thinking that I am making a huge mistake. I am posting here b/c I have noone to talk to about this. No friends. My family doesnt know I am gay.
  19. Hi guys, quick question for your opinions. My girlfriend and I are in love and have been together around 13 months now. I plan on asking her to marry me this next year. Anyways. We have a sexual relationship, she is on the pill. I try to make sure that she is on time with the pills, because to be honest, neither of us like condoms. I know it's not the "safest" way to go about avoiding pregnancy, but so goes our selfish decisions. Last week, she had just finished her period and we were together for a special dinner together. We had planned on an evening encounter and she had forgotten to take her first pill on time. She took it a few hours late and we slept together. She then took emergency contreceptives within the 12 hours after...according to the instructions. I don't like her taking these pills, because you never know what they do to a womans body...I hope she can have my baby one day...just not now. Anyhow. She told me today, that she had some spot bleeding and I got massively worried, because she said that hasn't happened to her before. Now yesterday, we were wrestling (playing with each other) and I accidentally knee'd her in the lower abdomen very hard. I felt so bad. Anyways...do you think that spot bleeding is a sign of pregnancy or could it be my accidental knee to her overies? Should I be concerned? Thanks.
  20. ok....yesterday my dad and I got into a huge argument and I told him I wish he would have a heart attack, 10 minutes later thats exactly what happened he had one, my brother called 911, and he is now in the hospital, they have to do open heart surgery on him, plus he is a diabetic, and he was ill to begin with, I keep thinking I caused all this to happen, because these past few months I caused him hell....and im so sorry for it all, I realize I was being self centered, all I cared about was myself. What if my dad dies? What am I going to do? I cant live without my daddy, im only 15. Please everyone pray for my dad, his name is Karl, and just pray that he will get better, I will so appreciate it. If my dad makes it I promise I will be good.....im so scared
  21. Hello, I have a quick question. A few months back, I was dating the best girl I have ever met. We had similar senses of humor, we could talk about anything, and we showed a genuine care for the other when they were feeling down, worried, etc... However, at the time I was drinking a lot and had depression (which would make me constantly worry about her and other guys. Eventualy we decided that although we could be a good couple, the relationship is unhealthy & she advised me to seek help w/ drinking. It ended nicely, with us hugging and wishing each other the best. That was 1 and a half months ago. Since then I have used the "12 step program", have not had one sip of alcohol (with the exception of Communion wine in church), have gotten help from my doctor with the depression, and have spent a lot of "me" time. While thinking about relationships, I thought of how hard it would be to find another good girl. The I asked myself a question "Since I know my ex cares for me, and we have remained friends, could we try again now that I am sober and sane?" (Note: I thought this towards the end, I quit drinking for ME not someone else) Any thoughts?
  22. Hey - I know I've kinda been posting a lot here in the past month - but I'm just kinda concerned about something. I've been getting a lot of anxiety - to the point where it makes me sick to my stomach - over little things - like over dating a guy or calling a guy - stuff that I normally wouldn't worry so much about. Today I had a day off which normally I am grateful for except for the fact that I had to find a way to pass the time and there was nothing to do and I got this big anxiety attack and everything. I'm feeling really lonely - which i think is contributing to the anxiety. I really wish I had someone to talk to. But I don't. No one at all. Well I DO have people - but like I already talked to them once this week like they want me to go calling them again about the same problems. I check my posts here everyday - not getting much response. I'm going out of my mind. The anxiety gets so bad that some days I just pray that someone would shooot me in the head. Ive resorted to suicide before, I'm afraid of going down that road again because last year this happened and it was really horrible and I was in the hospital twice and really sick and stuff. What if the anxiety gets so bad I do that again. All it could take right now is one little thing going wrong - as I am not prepared to deal with stresses right now. I wish someone could help. I know that this sounds so dumb and stupid and all but I really do want some help. I even got anti-anxiety pills from the doctor and I've been to counselling and it is no help. I've tried a few different kinds of pills - they are really hard to take cuz they make me nautious and even then I still take them but they dont' really work. I wish I could better describe what I'm going through - I'm always really jittery - I can't sit still for long - I can't do an activity for a long time, can't sit and watch TV, me at work is just crazy waiting for time to pass, feels like my heart is beating out of control, the phone rings and i jump out of my skin, i have no motivation to do anything, I don't want to socialize with people. I really wish I was dead.
  23. my mother started taking diet pills not too long ago (a month or two). i hated that she was taking them becuae i never thought that they were healthy. she's always self conscious about her weight, especially since she stopped working out (and yes--she looked GREAT when she did--but she lost the time to do it). she's 46, about 5'2-5'3, and i'd guess her weight is about 145 or so. she's not FAT fat, but she does have extra flab all over. she used to hardly ever eat. she'd skip breakfast and might eat an apple or something for lunch (that is if she even ate lunch) and she'd only eat dinner if she cooked for the whole family. otherwise--she's have a small salad. we are just about as southern as we can be so our food is not exactly healthy around here (really sweet tea--lotsa butter on everything, countlese potato chips..and so on) also, i recently found out i'm hypoglycemic (my blood sugar gets low--and i need to steer away from sugar, carbs, and starch) so i've gotten my family to buy healthier foo for me--and my mom will eat it with me. the other day she mentioned that her pants were fitting a little loose, and they were. she does look a little bit better. the next day (wednesday) i noticed that I had gained weight...a pair of pants didn't fit. i was already bigger than i'd like to be, and i already needed to start working out again, but this made me feel terrible. in reaction, and i know i shouldn't have, i took one of my mother's diet pills without her knowing. that day i felt GREAT. i was just in a really good mood all day, and i didn't munch on stuff like i usually do. i didn't stop eating all together or anything. i just ate more sensibly, and i didn't have those little cravings for something to munch on. the next day, i didn't take another pill because i sorta felt bad for it, and thought it was wrong, but that morning i felt really tired and sick. i dont know if it had anything to do with the pills because there has been something going around at school. i may have had a fever, but i went to school anyway and over time i felt ok again. in a way i am conviced that these pills may not be as bad as i thought they were, and they do seem to be working for my mother. but in another way, i know that there are better ways for us both to lose weight....and i know that i shoudln't but i will probably keep taking them until i drop a few pounds, and until it warms up outside so i can't get back into running and such, my question: are diet pills really that bad? is it ok for us to take them? are they addictive? any and all input is appreciated
  24. Ok - u guys are gonna all read this - think - Shes OFF HER ROCKER get her some pills - but here it goes. So - my current relationship is going absolutley nowhere - I've written about this before - don't feel like finding the post cuz i'm so hyped up - well theres no feelings - haven't had a date in forever - definitely breaking up - especially after now. Wish I had done it sooner But, I know I SHOULD have broken up by now - cuz I'm so SICK of getting treated like [Profanity Removed by Moderator] all the time - him yellin at me - criticizing me, pretending to love me, overreacting over small things - THE LIST GOES ON. and NOW..... I went on a date tonight with another man - maybe this should be in INFIDELITY - except nothing happened - no kiss - just a casual first date typa thing. I didn't think it was a date before I left - he wrote me a reference letter for the work I've done for him - which he had to resign and wanted to do somethin nice for me after all I've done for him - so he wrote me this fabulous reference letter and was supposed to give it to me over coffee today So question is - IS this a date? We went - he picked me up - kinda came by surprise cuz I wasn't sure what time we were going - drove around thinking of a place to go - finally decided on a place - and ordered some coffee - and I won $20 on a scratch ticket so I figured - I'm gonna treat myself good and ordered this fabulously expensive coffee. He ordered the same - on my request. We talked and talked. Wait - HE talked and talked. lol. He has so many amazing, great stories - hes so entertaining - so fun to listen too - I've always been the quiet one. I don't deny it. I don't feel bad about being quiet - I'm always quiet - have been since i was 2 theres no changing that - unless I have a lot of alcohol... lol. So after an hour I took off to go to the washroom - came back - he ordered me ANOTHER coffee. Same thing. By this time I'm thinkin - can i still afford this? But I was thinkin well put my cash and my money left in my bank account - yeah should be good. I thought I was buying HIM coffee - we had joked about it. So then go the washroom AGAIN (after two hours) come back and hes got the bill paid - nothing I can do about it - its done by the time I get back. So that took me by surprise - I mean I'm always the one paying with my current - well ex-boyfriend now. Then we went and sat in the car - in -40 degree CELCIUS weather - Frick its COLD here - be glad u are not in Canada right now. Listened to music and talked even more. Half an hour later, he says he best be going - the night ends with a nice polite hug and thats it. He said 'call or email anytime' I said 'u can do the same' he said 'i will, definitely' that was it. Ok i guess thats a date. I just need to get this out cuz theres no one I can really talk to about it! Besides my cousin but she doesn't know about all the history with my ex. Anyways - this guy is amazing. Everything I would want - everything my parents would want for me - kind, extremely good looking, same religion, same beliefs, very caring, very responsible. I can't believe hes like in his 30s, still single, never been married, never had kids, nothing serious. 15 years older than me. I hope this goes further - I want to do something - call him again, ask him out again - NOT Sure what to do - any advice here? I'm not the type to sit around and wait to see whats gonna happen, wait for him to call. Ya know? But like when should I call, what should I ask him. I'm getting very mixed signals on if he likes me - or if he meant for this to be a date or what. I'm also a bit more nervous about it cuz hes a lot older than me. And I don't know what his intentions are. I wish to God I knew but I don't. One more regret. I wish I had WAITED for a guy like this to come along. Even if this is not the guy - especially if it is. I always thought "you know I"m never going to meet anyone perfect" always settled for less than what I deserve (let this be a lesson to all), got myself into a ton of trouble cuz I just gave up hope and figured, theres no one out there, all the good guys are taken, all the good guys are MARRIED at that. Always wanted an older man, for some reason attracted to them, and always wanted a man that shared the same passion and beliefs that I do. And here he is. So i think. Geez, you know I could be completely wrong. I just WISH I knew. Anyways - someone reply and give me some advice/input on this. I'm so hyped up. I need to calm down. Really should take some pills. lol. THANKS.
  25. If anyone has been following my posts you may be familiar with my last ex-bf and how close I was to his mother. I've always considered her my second-mother, so the news was very hard to take. Last Thursday she called to tell me she was diagnosed with a grapefruit sized tumor and it is most likely malignant because of her family history with cancer. Her mother died at 74 from ovarian cancer- she is only 60 though. She is due for surgery next week. Because of this I have recontacted my ex to see how he is doing under the situation and to tell him to keep me up-to-date on the details of her condition. I have first-hand experience myself having gone through chemotherapy as I too was diagnosed and survived large spreading tumors last February. And if you've followed my posts, one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex-bf was because he chose not to help me out during/after my emergency tumor surgery/or chemo. The tables have turned and I have some resentment towards my ex. I wouldn't be resentful if he didn't go out of his way to justify why he wasn't there for me last year. I think I would feel better if he would just acknowledge he was wrong and seriously apologize to me. Instead, he apologizes by making excuses and justifications and compares why my situation was different than the situation he is now facing with his mother and why he wasn't there for me. He says "For you, I knew in the end it wasn't serious...but for her, and knowing the family history-- I know it's serious." Ok...in my book, I had to go through chemo anad everything--- so what about MY case wasn't serious to him??? Anyway, despite all his excuses I still just wish he would apologize to me for abandoning me when all of this was happening to me. And that's it... no excuses, no justifications... just a serious, heartfelt apology. In the meantime, I've been trying to support him and have been trying to be positive and hopeful and just be there to let him talk to me... but underneath my support I have this nagging resentment and anger inside me that makes me almost NOT want to try to help him and just be there for her. What would be the best way to deal with this situation? I want to be there for her 100%... but being there for HIM just seems completely unjustifiable; however, not being there for him just seems completely morally and ethically wrong. What do I do? Help please!!
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