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About Me

  1. Hello, Recently I have noticed patterns of irritability and anger. I try to control it, but each time I fail. Yesterday, I lashed out at a woman at the Drivers License center because she was very rude to me. I was so upset afterwards and cried in my car because I’ve never stuck up for myself like that. Although I did that, I let it get to me the rest of the day. There’s other situations where I feel angry and I want to blow up, so I go into a quiet place to cool down and take deep breaths. I do consider myself to be communicative, but sometimes I feel like I am not heard when I express myself, which is probably why I feel angry. I have noticed that some situations in the past have made me an angry person. I didn’t always use to be this way. I was always the nice person, but I’m now the complete opposite and have a zero tolerance/patience level. My anxiety has worsen and I let the small things get to me. I want to know if anyone is going through this and if you can give me any helpful tips to control my anger? Thank you.
  2. My sister has become a very difficult person to deal with. Over the last year she has developed some very resentful feelings towards me. I think she used to consider herself someone who had her life together, had a well-paying job, an active social life, travelled a lot, and felt a sense of purpose and independence. She suddenly ended up getting fired from her job (which I later found out was due to her boss finding her impossible to deal with), then the pandemic hit, and she was out of work, wasn't able to travel or socialize much, and had to ask my parents for help financially. She was knocked off her feet. I have always had jobs where I did not make as much money as her, but decided to go back to school and finish my degree. During the pandemic, I didn't have to rely on my parents for financial support like she did because I have been living on student loans, learned how to drive, and generally have kept my life together as best I can. I've been very successful in school, recommended for scholarships, and have been praised by my parents for doing well, despite these challenging times we are living in. I think my sister started to become very jealous and resentful of this, as she was used to feeling like the successful one in the family. She started becoming very passive aggressive with me, finding any excuse she could to make judgmental comments, and started comparing everything she was doing to what she perceived me to be doing. For example, since she didn't have a job and was relying on my parents financially, she would go over to their house and cook, clean, help them with things. She started to get really resentful of that, and started complaining to my parents that she did so much more for the family, and that I wasn't as helpful. I spend a lot of my time with my family when I am not busy with school, and help with things, but because I have more obligations, it is true that I am not over as much as her and doing as much stuff. She started trying to convince my parents that she cared more, and saying really negative things about me. I think all this resentment comes from her feeling unhappy and inferior, and I think she compares herself to me and wants my parents to see her as valuable, but it is becoming really toxic. She picks fights over nothing, starts giving me the silent treatment for no reason when I come over, lashes out and gets really angry, and starts trying to bully me into leaving when I have come over to spend time with the family so that she can be the center of attention and not have to share my parents with me. She needs a lot of attention, and gets really angry when my parents are asking me about school or give me any attention. It's getting to the point where she is so difficult to be around that I just can't take it anymore. I have tried talking to her about it and doing nice things for her to show her that I care, and that she does not have to see me as a threat, but she just stonewalls me, gets really defensive, lashes out, and is so impossible to deal with. It's creating so much tension in the family, and puts my parents in a very awkward position. I am at a loss for what to do. This has been ongoing for a good chunk of this year, and it seems to be just getting worse and worse.
  3. I was dating my (now ex) bf for like a month, knew each other slightly over 2months. Recently I have been hit with another depression relapse - I told him I had this medical condition while we were talking bout our past relationships (before we started dating) So couple of days before we broke up, i was feeling kinda snappy. Got irritated by a response from cinema staff whom didn't respond to my question. So I got annoyed and my tone was pretty harsh when I spoke to the staff (bf wasn't there). Afterwards, I grumbled to my ex while telling him the whole conversation. So he mentioned that the staff may not have responded appropriately given the crowd size he have to manage etc; I agreed and wasn't sure why I had the sudden outburst at that moment. Afterwards, I apologised to my ex for overreacting and thought alls good since the whole date ended well as usual. Subsequently the next 2 days, I felt that the symptoms of the depression are getting more vivid and clear (loss of appetite, circling thoughts, low mood etc;) For my case, the doctor suggested mine could be case of chronic as few of my family members have this medical condition too. I started the medication again as soon I feel off. And rumination came: that mental condition is long term and will haunt me for life, I would have to live by medications forever. I started to get pretty demoralised but I sought help from my friends and ex to get through this..However I got the feeling somethings off with him..call me sensitive or what. But he was replying slower than before and for two occasions while sending him texts, he turned off his data. So that kind of got me concerned too if he started to doubt or is unsure about our relationship. I wanted to get my thoughts across to him as I felt suffocated.. So I met him nearby my house and told him bout my thoughts, about how he should consider if he wants to be with me in this, like he could still pull out now if he doesn't want to; I did mentioned that I felt better as compared to previous episode but the constant thought of it relapsing kept creeping in my head. So during the chat, he mentioned that he is still very new to this condition, he doesn't know how to help me or do, and can't say for sure if he can accept it or not. I told him he can take this time and episode to see but at any point of time he feels he couldn't handle or doesn't want to continue then let me know ASAP. I didn't want to find out we can't work out after a couple of years since we aren't young anymore. So the chat ended fine and we went back home afterward per normal. The next morning though, he sent me the text mentioning that he is not confident that he could take these situations of sudden mood change well with his temper at times (have not seen his temper yet) and he didn't want to waste my time so he asked if we can remain as friends. Disappointed and heartbroken by his response, I thanked him for his honesty and being decisive. There were times I find fault at him for forsaking our relationship so easily for leaving me when I need his support, and for being so easily shaken when he hasnt even try..yet at times I thanked him for being clear cut at least he cut this short which is good for both of us since we barely started out. Thinking back now, I recalled his previous relationship was due to the girl having mood issues which ended the relationship..i guess this sort of became his redflag or what.. It's the 3rd day now- I'm trying to come to terms with it while recovering from my current episode.. A double blow for me. I have been trying to convert my heart ache into anger so I could get him out from my head soon and feel better quickly...but one second I deleted our photos in a flash, the other I restored them and start looking through them again..really dislike this feeble part of me..
  4. Hello I haven't been on here in a while. First of all I have previously been in relationships where I have not been respected and I am growing more aware. Few months ago, I took up exercising in the local park- its so beautiful and I like going to clear my head and think things through and be in nature. During my jogs, I met a lady who struck up conversation, she lives locally and we struck up a friendship, she seemed lovely- I used to go 4 x a week, but I said we could jog together on the weekends when I'm a little more relaxed about time as weekdays I'm on a routine. Since we met, we have jogged nearly every weekend since summer. Now my life is quite busy as I typically have 50-60 , hour weeks , I work from home and study full time. My weekends are not free as that's when I do the bulk of my studying as I work in the week. I was lucky to be accepted on a program that I never thought I would be accepted on so I am really careful to keep my grades up. here's the issue , I have mentioned that its not typical that I am free every weekend- In the summer I was, now I'm at school and juggling my work and deadlines Im not always available on the weekends. she's married /kids and would prefer later run, 10-11am, we compromised at 8.30am. She has given the option to work out at her place, we tried, there isn't enough space plus she had kids and she keeps going off to attend to them. Im time conscious so I told her I prefer we stick to running. I felt like I want to protect my intention to run- I didn't make the intention to work out at someone else place. I can do this at home. I have thanked her for the invite every time she has opened her home to workouts. Recently, I've had back to back deadlines and some personal issues arise which I need mental space to clear. I have met her every other week, not every week and usual and this has caused a lot of friction between us, through snarky comments and "jokes" about me being away for over a "year" . I sense suppressed anger behind these jokes and I am unsure why such anger should arise. When we do run, she brings up a strong a heavy topic towards the end of our run, so its hard to cut off when she starts talking about something deeply personal.this extends the run by 10-20 minutes. I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting. I have started to feel her "pull" on me, e.g wanting to text back and forth during the week, her texts "feel" angry , one word answers if I don't constantly update. When its not an emergency, I end messages with "enjoy the rest of your day" to signal the end of conversation , especially after we've just been together for almost an hour. I genuinely do work and study 10-12 hour days! I make time to catch up with my friends every other month, im ok without daily contact from my friends. I take time to let people in, I am happy to let friendship slow burn but Im feeling an anger from her- because I keep pumping the breaks. I don't want her to introduce me to her single friends- she had hinted at a singles evening and I said I'm not ready to date so I won't attend but I hope she and her single friends have fun. The event didn't happen, which makes me think it was targeted at me. Lastly, I don't feel like I should rush anyone's energy into my life. I take my time and I don't feel entitled to anyone else time or energy. I have felt a massive knot in my stomach and nausea when I think of her and this wasn't there before Im intuitive and Im feeling something off- I find myself explaining why I cant do this or that or why I don't want to go to this event or dinner. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself. I feel pulled on. I feel a knot and a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of her. Somethings shifted with her and I can feel it. I cancelled our run for the next couple weeks as I have started working out in my own space- alone- with time to think and clear my head and reset my energy. Energetically, I feel invaded. Im thinking of fading away. Perspective please?
  5. Today, me and my girlfriend had an argument, that is keep happening, and we couldn’t settle for what is the root for this problem, or who plays a bigger part in creating this problem in the first beginning. I am going to describe our last argument now so you can get a clearer picture regarding what I am talking about.( I emphasize that this pattern of arguments is keep happening ). So we were both sitting on the balcony watching the view, when she showed me her feet that had a small bruise on it.( that bruise was caused by us playing two days before; more specific, she sat on my back while I was on the floor, and because I moved she lost her balance and fell. I told her I am sorry at that moment and hugged her to make her feel better). When she showed it to me, I moved her ankle around to see if something got broken, she didn’t make any hurt sound while I did that so I told her: “You don’t have to worry, is just a bruise, nothing is broken, is gonna go away soon.” After this she got angry and said : “Why don’t you say you are sorry, you think I don’t know is not broken ?”. I told her that I already told her that I am sorry, and that by saying to her “not to worry” I meant to comfort her, not to tell her that I don’t care. She got more angry and said that is not true, and that I don’t care about her. I told her that she shouldn’t pick so hard on this small things all the time because they will happen from time to time and is not healthy like this. Two different people, I think, will inevitably behave, at some points, in a way that the other one doesn’t totally agree with. After I said this, she, still angry, start saying she will leave me and started swearing on me. When she did this I told her that I won’t talk to her anymore if she is talking like this to me, I told her that this is a teenage girl way of behaving( we are in our mid 20’s). At that point she got more angry and throw her hairbrush at me, hitting me with it. The hairbrush broke in half after this. I told her again that swearing and hitting is not ok and it is not how a mature woman should behave. At that point she wanted to call one of my friends to tell them what happened and for him to decide who is wrong here. I said friends or family shouldn’t get involved in this kind of things, and that we should post it on a anonymous group to see what other people say, she didn’t want to, but I still did it, and that’s how this got here. Now, to sum this up, and for you to make a better idea about me, I don’t always behave perfect( but I never swear or be violent), sometimes I forget small things, and I don’t manage everything perfectly, but I try my best to improve and to do good. I also am the type of man that wants prosperity from life, so aside from my day to day job, that is a stable, higher studies, medium income job, I also learn programming so that I can make more money so we can afford anything we want in this life. Again, I said this just so you can have a better picture about me and what kind of person I am. I think is normal for everyone to do small mistakes every day and a life partner shouldn’t point it out every time when it happens, is not healthy in my opinion. She says that this is how women are, and is normal for women to pick on this kind of things every time they happen, and that this is her way of expressing her anger, through swearing and hitting. I say this is how teenage high school girls behave, not mature women. By writing this post I am trying to maybe find the root of this problems and fix them. So what do you think about this situation?
  6. My boyfriend of 5 years told me he had an amazing idea for a birthday present but that it was 'risky'. He messaged my best friend and she told him it seemed like a good idea, so he did it. Come my birthday, he handed me an envelope that contained a voucher for a tattoo shop. Now, for context, he recently got some new tattoos and I've been saying I'm jealous, and that I would like more too and have floated some ideas around. With that said, I haven't settled on any ideas, they've all just been purely brain storming (and I thought he was aware I had not settled on any, and the voucher only lasts 1 year). I have one tattoo that I got on a whim and I regret it so much so am scared to make the same mistake, however he is very spontaneous and I think he would like me to be more spontaneous too. Overall I know the gift came from a good place. However, I was so shocked to get the voucher as a gift that I panicked a little and blurted out "but I don't have any actual ideas for a tattoo" - I got really anxious about it for some reason, and I also don't love the idea of having a tattoo that he partially funded in the event we ever split up... My mum was there and kept trying to give advice and ideas, which I would turn down as my mum has a very different style to me. In all of that I forgot to actually thank my boyfriend for the gift, and over the next 2 or so hours my mum kept bringing it up, dragging out the awkward conversation. I think my boyfriend was hurt - he got really angry and he told me he would never forgive or forget my ungrateful attitude, and that he will never give a gift again (though that's okay if he feels that way, I'm not dating him for gifts). I feel absolutely terrible as I should have been more thankful and thought about the logistics after the fact in my own time, and just let him see me be excited for his gift he put a lot of thought into. He almost broke up with me over this, and left the house for a couple of hours. In this time I tried my best to explain that I am really grateful, appreciate the gift and his generosity, however he has told me my words mean nothing and there is no way I can convince him otherwise. I'm being truthful when I say that I am grateful, and I'm sure I will use it to get a tattoo that I love, but now I feel it will be tainted with negativity (which is my own fault, I know). My initial reaction was just pure shock, a result of the current environment and my anxieties around such a commitment. I do understand I should have shielded him from those feelings at least until I could articulate it better and not offend him or come off as ungrateful. I am looking for advice on how to fix this and show him that I am actually grateful for his gift. He keeps making remarks about how I am ungrateful and a bad partner and I'm worried my relationship will not survive this. Again, I know I am in the wrong 100% and common gift etiquette is to act as if you love it no matter what (even though I do love the idea/gift, I'm just also a very anxious, detail-oriented person). I just had a severe lapse in judgement this day for some reason, usually I'm grateful for anything he does for me and show it, so this isn't a frequent issue.
  7. Hello everyone, Basically I have been online dating my bf for 7month now due to covid we havnt managed to meet up. But he has a habit when hes with his friends to not message me at all or reply to any of my messages. In the past if he goes away he wont tell me and just go saying it was last minute or that he was busy and only after not messaging for a few days and me sending angry messaged only then he will reply. We argued about this then and he apologised and promised it wudnt happen again ovcourse it happened again and the same story we argued and he promised never again. He has delayed coming to see me because he says he cant get time of work. A few weeks go by talking as normal then all of a sudden over the weakened he hardly messages me and then he doesnt message me at all or reply to any of my messages although I have seen him come online multiple times for long periods of time. I then send an angry text implying if he no longer wants to be with me to just be Frank about it and just tell me. Ect.. to which he replied and told me his friend forced him on a last minute holiday for a week and that hes been so busy he hasnt had any time to message me. And that he hasnt even been on what's all even tho I have screenshots of him being online. I asked him how he manages to go on a last minute holiday when to me he says it's really hard to book time off he just said he managed. I then phoned him and we began arguing about why he didnt message to let me know hes going on holiday. I've told him so many times even if he messages to say I'm going to be busy over the next few days we might nit get much if a chance to talk that's fine with me it's the leaving me out of the loop completely and expecting me not to get angry is the annoying bit but he just doesnt seem to understand I was crying on the phone and his priority was to go out partying. He left me crying on the phone so he could go with his friends. He then promised to call me later that night but he never did nit even a simple text or anything for 2 days then I send another angry message saying I want to end it because I dont deserve to be treated the way hes treating me. And his response was just why are you creating soo much drama. Since then there has been no communication and i know he wont until hes back from holiday. He comes back on sunday I dont know if when he comes back I should ignore his messages for a few days so he can have a taste of his own medicine or just reply and fight it out. Or should I just end it with him. I do love him but I dont want him to think he can just get away with it.
  8. Hey y’all, i’m a female and i’m currently deployed out in the desert for the next 7 months. With COVID going around, I am restricted to base and they discontinued social gatherings or alcohol consumption. The food sucks, it’s hot outside, i’m missing my family, and every day is like ground hogs day. I feel like i’m getting really sad/angry and it’s only been 6 weeks. My bf is also deployed but he’s in Europe and he’s able to go off base to pubs, explore Europe, and have fun with his friends. With my situation, I feel like it’s causing strain on our relationship a little bit. I get annoyed easily when we’re on the phone and recently when he asked what was wrong, I told him my current situation and he tries to understand but he has no idea the level of suck i’m experiencing and I still have 6 months to go. He says i’m comparing myself too much to his deployment experience. How can I explain to him my feelings? And if anyone has been deployed, is there any advice on staying mentally healthy?
  9. Hi. I need an advice about what should I do in my relationship. I have been seeing my guy since the beginning of June this year. He was intelligent, romantic and in to me and I we fall for each other easily (by the 2nd week I already told him that I love him and he replied it back). Problem is the more we spend time together the more I realize that he has an anger issue. He can snap easily and when he is angry he can say really hurtful things. He apologizes later and he did say that he has a problem with that and he might go to a Buddha center to get the hang of his anger issue but he haven't done that, yet. Another problem is he assumes alot of things instead of asking me about them, for example, we had a big fight because he assumed that I wasn't going to pay for a meal after I said that I would pay it and when I told him it might had been a misunderstanding but he did not buy it. I warned him about assuming and not trusting me but he keep finding it difficult although he had admit several time he doesn't doubt me and what I say to him. From my side, I can be stubborn most of the time and I can wear someone off with my constant care about details, including in arguments. I also can take things, literally, most of the time so this keep continue sparking clashes between us because I am very articulate and careful about what I say and he is not. He told me that because of that I can come as very annoying and he is growing tired of it. I told him if I don't match him why he is still with me and he said because he loves me and he tells me about my other good qualities that he find attractive. I am torn right now between my hurt from his words during fights and valuing myself and respect in relationship and with me loving him and him having a rough childhood and life which is the source of his anger and trust-issues. Should I break it off and tell him that we should work on ourselves separately or should I be more patient and try to work it out with him?
  10. last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game together online while we were on call, it was late at night. We werent fighting or anything but he said something that triggered me wherein he said how he loves how I keep my promises on how I dont easily give up on our relationship. It seems like a sweet thing to say to your partner but to me it seems sweet but it made me remember countless times as to how many times my boyfriend proceeded to constantly break up with me before whenever we have a fight. When I heard him say that, I said to him as how I wish he can apply that to himself too, it didnt seem like an argument so he just took it lightly while I make petty remarks about the things he did while we were still playing together. He eventually got sleepy and went to bed first, but before he slept he can really tell that something was bugging me and we had a small argument but since he was too tired he left the call due to just being sleepy and irritated. By the time he's asleep I explain was one sided of me toed to him how y I was to him that night and the things we fought about before still bother me because of how easy it was for him to leave me and that I wanted us to discuss it by the time he wakes up. By the time he woke up he said to me that we should call about this. When we were on call he started getting angry as to why i messaged him those things, and how I make it seem like it its one sided when i bring those up. Eventually our big fight led to him blocking me in all social medias again, telling me he's done with me, and him making his phone unreachable for calls. In our relationship I often question myself if I was mostly the problem in the relationship, many reasons why in the past he constantly wants to break up with me was because of the mistakes i did before wherein i was too needy and demanding of his attention. I do admit that having those traits can drain someone out but knowing my boyfriend before, he resorts everything to anger and shutting people out who "hurt" him. But he has also shown actions where its often a sign where I can just leave him in the dumps, mostly him cursing at me before and saying some things that can make a person question their capabilities. When I expressed to him last night in his messages how Im still not okay with the fact that in the past he used to breakup up with me a lot in our fights and how it scares me that he might break up with me again that easily if we ever argue again, I expected that he could at least understand as to why im bringing those things up because to me they are still unresolved. But instead he had to make it seem like the things i said to him on chat were a rebuttal to his little debate. Am I wrong for addressing an issue that still bothers me in our relationship? I just wanted him for once to be more understanding and show compassion in situations like these where I feel like I need reassurance in our relationship. This is one of many reasons why I dont share my problems with him like he would to me, I very much feel like being vulnerable towards him is a crime and can result to fights.
  11. Not sure how to tag this post. I'll keep it simple. Right now I'm male, 30 and in a loving relationship near 7 years. All 10/10 on that front. But lately I've been thinking about an ex ("Jane"), and the possibility that a very close friend of mine ("Mike") may have at the very least tried to hook up with her. This was like a decade ago. Suddenly I can't get it out of my head and I'm depressed and angry about it. I dated Jane in college for 2 years, where we were steady boyfriend & girlfriend until she decided she needed "time off". Felt like I was getting demoted and that suddenly I wasn't as important as she was to me. It was awful. She'd go off the radar for weeks with "friends" only to show up and pretend no time had passed. Tried it, hated it, broke up some months later. Maybe a week or so after I break it up and cut every tie, my friend Mike gives me a call in the evening. He's frantic and asks if I've spoken to Jane. I hadn't. He tells me he's coming over. We meet and he's in a state I hadn't seen him in before or since. Anxious, panicky, "dude this is serious" level of seriousness. Again he asks me if Jane had said anything to me (she hadn't). He relaxes a bit. We go have dinner. He explains that Jane had threatened to tell me Mike had tried to hook up with her. I reacted by choosing to believe Mike. Jane was an unstable person, especially in our final year together. She was loud, easy to anger, feisty (at her worst she threw things at me) and, I knew this too well, always making empty threats. Child of a physically abusive family and prone to substance abuse, too. It's not that I didn't have reason to believe Mike didn't have a thing for her. Me and Jane used to double date with Mike and his girlfriend. We were part of the same little group for so long, and Mike is this hopeless romantic who gets a crush on any girl who hangs in his vicinity for a while. Thing is by the time I broke up with Jane I hated her guts, wanted nothing more to do with her, saw this supposed threat as a final stab at making me miserable. But she never contacted me about it. All I ever got out of the situation was that Mike was panicked and ready to go out of his way to get to me before she did. 8 years later I'm obsessed with this past scenario for no real relevant reason. Mike is one of my closest friends and, outside my girlfriend, the only person I can spend on a videocall for over 2 hours in the middle of quarantine. I love the guy. But the uncertainty gets me. If I were to question him he wouldn't trust me anymore, and if he were to admit it I wouldn't trust him anymore either. I wish there was a way of confirming if he did try to get it on with my ex but all I have was his version of a thing my ex never brought up (nor did I ask: I've never contact her since). I moved on all these years and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. I hate being lied to and the possibility that my friend has been sitting on this lie all these years breaks my heart a little bit. What would you do in this situation?
  12. She scolds even for little things. I understand she's going through menopause phase but that doesn't mean she will get angry at her children. And how on earth is it my fault if she has mood swings? It is very rare that i have speak back and stand up for myself. Most of the times she keeps on scoffing, scolding. I don't take her words seriously because she doesn't mean it but still i get upset at the anger and scolds. And then suddenly she changes. She speaks softly and politely and treats me as her favourite kid. But how do i cope with the scolds and anger??
  13. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  14. Hi, Does this sound like an emotionally abusive relationship? 2.5 year relationship (cohabitated for a year) - 30 me (F) and 32 (M). Actually met through his cousin 3 years ago, his cousin always liked me and wanted to be with me but we ended up having a connection and got into a serious relationship instead. Now I’m doubting our connection my sister said he seems emotionally abusive, but she’s always been known to be over dramatic. Examples of things that make me unhappy in this relationship: - Secretive conversations will his female friends (would have video calls with them once a month when I wasn’t around) - only saw this because he left his phone on the chat screen once and I saw it open, nothing dodgy in the conversations, very friend like.. and they have known each other for many years prior to me being in the scene. ^ I don’t have an issue with female friends, but double standards I do. If it were me having those secretive video chats with a guy, I know it wouldn’t fly with him. - Angry over small things, yell and loose his temper. Never hit me, but has yelled at me many times. Apologises afterwards when I make a point that it wasn’t acceptable to speak like that.. only after having it escalate and blow out of proportion. - Shutdown and get angry whenever I mentioned how I was feeling upset about something in the relationship. - Would say things like “don’t say another word or I’m going to loose my !” If I was bringing something to his attention that I didn’t like, in hope of discussing it. Avoided communicating about things. - Get drunk alone while I was sober on a Saturday night when we were meant to be spending it together chilling out, instead spends it calling all his boys while I sit there waiting for him to be done.. hint at him talking to his friends another time so we can spend time together, and get told I’m being controlling and he starts to get angry and tells me not to start a problem. - Would always ask who messaged me when he hears my phone go off, but if I ask him that I get told I’m being nosy. - Was alright for him to have drinks with female colleagues while away at work conferences, but if I were to have a beer with a male colleague he’d get all paranoid (I broke his trust once in our relationship) - so this I understand. He works in events and when away at big road shows would be out socialising with a lot of people. - Would ask for a back massage which I always gave, but he would never massage me when I asked - his excuse was “I’m not good at giving them”. Ask me to do things for him and I did, when I asked for things he would get annoyed and do it reluctantly. - Would speak with a tone and aggressive manner sometimes, when called up about it would get angry but if I speak to him that way he looses it and demands an apology. Do these sound like emotional abusive things? Thanks in advance!
  15. Soon I will be ending a 5-year relationship… we live together, and I don’t know what’s the best way to go about it. First time I’m doing this. I will offer to move out of our shared flat, and I am almost certain that she will accept this arrangement (although I will give her the option to move out herself, if that’s what she prefers). Problem #1 is that we live in a tiny, tiny studio – no practical way to give each other space following “the breakup talk” and with COVID around, no reasonable alternative to create space either (not even a coffee shop or library) I am the type of a person who needs a lot of peace and quiet when packing, even for a 2-week vacation. Moving out will obviously be a lot more complicated packing project than that. I don’t see how I can accomplish anything with her around, with both of us emotional and her possibly furious. Given this dilemma, I was wondering if it would be acceptable to ask my partner to either stay with someone from work or move into a nearby Airbnb apartment for two days (weekend). I think I can pack my stuff and move out in less than 48h. If she refuses, I could still move to this Airbnb apartment myself – however, that doesn’t solve the packing problem. Also there’s Problem #2, concern for my property. Over the years she made many threats regarding my possessions. While I would like to believe she would never act on these threats, I cannot exactly rule it out 100%. So, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am actually slightly concerned about my stuff (electronics, books, sentimental items, clothes, etc). I don’t want to find them gone/damaged when I return to pack... and I can't gather everything valuable quickly either. What to do? [EDIT] Worth noting, we both work from home. So, neither one of us is out much during the day.
  16. Hi everyone, I have been with my ex for 4 years. We’ve been LDR but I get to spend 4-5 months living with him in a year. All this while he’s been the one who’s wanted to make this work - he has talked about the future and a ring. Meanwhile, I was always a bit apprehensive as there were issues like his temper and chronic pain (his sleeping is disrupted and he curses almost middle of every night and I get so worried about it). In Feb this year, he calls me and out of frustration said that we were not working on future plans, and because of LDR we should break up. I agreed with him. A week later, I decided that that was just stupid and called him up to tell him I’d pack my bags and move to be with him and settle down. I sense hesitancy and he says we should be alone for a while to figure out what we want. So of course I was hurt, but I respected that and really left him all alone. He’s checked in with me a month later to ask me how quarantine was going. Here’s a turn of events: I’ve been offered to relocate to his city next month for work. I text him about it and he congratulated me and was wishy washy with replies. I let him be and didn’t confront anything. A few weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend that we broke up possibly because a girl was in the picture - and possibly moved in immediately, quarantining together. I’m extremely hurt! He’s been so committed to me all this while and my belongings were still there. I also found out that he’s not given themselves a proper status, and that when he heard I was moving to his city, he was very affected by the news. I know this sounds petty, but I saw a photo of the girl and she’s not quite a looker - or his type that I know of! But I’m sure she was there to give him attention when I was not around. I’m not sure if I should confront this and meet up when I’m there or if I should just ignore this all and let it go (that’s been what I’ve been doing so far). I’m angry and hurt, and in shock. Please advice.
  17. Hi all. I have had an on and off relationship, for 6.5 years. I have had on going phone problems, regardless of service provider. Including not getting and/or recieving texts, or phone calls, my phone ( this includes at least 4 different phones), shutting off, randomly, not having service etc. This has caused an awful lot of grief, in our relationship, as it is always blamed on me, personally. And gets to a point, that he gets so angry, and decides to not want to talk to me, or see me, even without him getting an explanation, as to why it happened, or possibilities, of why. And then he starts drinking, and calls names, and is very rude. Does anyone understand why he blames me? It's nothing that i do! Thank you
  18. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  19. Okay so this is new to me but getting desperate for anyone's advice... especially if you have been in a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for about 15 yrs and we have two young children. In the past 3-4 yrs my husband has almost become a completely different person. He is constantly angry, very small silly things will send him into a rage of yelling cursing sometimes resulting in breaking things( he has never put his hand on myself or my children). Although it has never gotten physical towards anyone I still find it very frightening and I usually jump up and run around trying to fix the problem. I feel like I am walking on egg shells 24/7 just waiting for another outburst. He is also very negative. It seems like no matter what we are talking about he finds the negative side of everything. It has become very draining to never have a positive conversation with him, I am at the point as soon as he starts talking I just stop listening because I just don't have it in me anymore. He is also very negative towards me , i can't seem to do anything right anymore literally nothing ! I have been called stupid many times and told to shut the **** up! Amongst many other things. I have tried talking to friends and family about it but he doesn't act like this in front of anyone else, they all see the nice kind person I fell in love with. I don't know what to do next I have tried many times to talk to him about it, he has went to counseling but nothing changed. I dont want to rip my family apart but everyday I feel smaller and smaller. Thanks for taking time to read, hopefully someone can relate.
  20. I started seeing this guy in August last year. A few weeks in, he told me he was moving away in April. So we stopped seeing each other for a while. Then a few weeks later we started hooking up. We work together, and it just sort of happened one night after a few drinks. We texted everyday, he took me out to the nicest restaurants and we spent a bit of time together, he bought me some of the nicest gifts, and he also asked me to spend his birthday with him.. it was all so nice and I quickly realised how much I liked him and eventually he was all I thought about. But a few weeks ago I noticed that he wasn’t texting me as much and stopped making plans to see me. He started adding girls on social media and I was starting to get upset. We never talked about our feelings and we never discussed our relationship. I know it was silly (and a huge mistake) but I didn’t want to burst the bubble we were in. I thought we liked each other a lot and we just weren’t getting too close or serious because we both knew this would end soon anyway. But I know now that i misread the situation completely because when I did talk to him about it a few days ago, it turned out that he didn’t really have any feelings for me and he was just after a little fun. When I told him that I had feelings for him he questioned me like he was in disbelief that I thought it was anything more than being casual. He said he only realised I had feelings for him a couple of weeks ago when I told him I was upset that he hadn’t been making time to see me. It was horribly embarrassing and I just felt like hiding under the table. He’s not at all the person I thought he was and I dont know how to get over the fact that I totally misread him and fell for him, the whole time thinking he felt the same for me. Looking back it definitely wasn’t your typical casual sex type of relationships. We spent so much time together. We met a few of each other’s friends and got to know each other pretty well. It just suddenly faded one day. So now that we’ve stopped seeing each other, I’m just finding it difficult to get over the relationship I didn’t have. I still have to see him at work and it’s so hard for me cause I’m too embarrassed to be around him. I have to keep it together around people and I then run to bathroom to let myself go and cry a little. It’s so hard right now. I’m confused about how I feel towards him too. I really cared for him and I want to hate him but I can’t. I wish I could be angry at him but that’s not how I feel. I’m just angry at myself for letting myself get so caught up in feelings that were never there. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by putting this out there. But I haven’t even told my friends about what happened cause I’m just too embarrassed. I wonder if anyone else has made this mistake? And how you dealt with it. I just really didn’t think I could be so naive but I guess you learn more and more about yourself from every experience.
  21. Hello, I have come to you for advice. Myself and my ex were engaged and together for 5 years. We postponed our wedding, due to the grief of me losing my father. In the lead up to the wedding, the break up hit me in a bad way. The past year of our relationship was hard and we mutually decided to break up. It was very hard and he showed no emotions, until he posted a picture of 2 girls kissing him on social media and I messaged him telling him that I found it disrespectful. Other than that, he has acted completely fine throughout. He has bought me out of our house and become very cold, deleting all pictures of me from social media this year and now myself from social media, as he believes I cannot deal with the break up he told me when I have moved on and accepted it 'he will read me' as he would love to see where my life takes me, and if I have children etc (strange). I have angered him, as I have constantly bombarded him with texts since our break up, constantly. Which I told myself up to and I know for true advice I need to be open about. He has told me if I hadn't have sent such messages, he believes that he would have come back to me. But now, as he has seen that angry side, he knows he never would. I want him back to much. He tells me one thing one day and something different the next. He goes from telling me he will never come back on a phone call, to saying he can't say never when he came to collect some things, as he didn't think it would happen. We had a hard call around 4 weeks ago, where he told me he wished me happiness and it was very amicable. He said in that call that he didn't believe we would ever get back together and ended the call by wishing me the best. On the Friday, we spoke one phone and he was angry, saying he felt like an idiot when the call ended as he had thought to himself, have we made a mistake. He told me on Tuesday in the morning my actions would show what I wanted when I said I wanted him back, to that evening saying that he categorically wouldn't come back to me and it was unfair to lead me on as he is a nice guy. But in 3 weeks/3 months he would contemplate adding me on social media again. as he wanted to see that I was happy. He has said several times that I just haven't left him alone and constantly sent him message after message which have been hurtful and emotional. I admit I accused him of being with people I know, and said some not nice things. He said that if I would have left him, he would have had time to grieve, but it has just turned now to anger. I am so confused. He is so angry when we talk and I am unsure if this is because of the bombardment. Should I give him no contact and space?. For the past 4 months since we broke up and the 2 months since I moved out, we have been in contact and he has known I have wanted him back. What is my best plan of attack to get him back.
  22. I've been with him for 6 years, and we've lived together for 3. We are both in the entertainment industry. This year he's been doing cocaine, mdma, g, and speed, because he has been working insane hours, but it's because he's making the choice to take on extra work on top of his job. He got a high paying gig at an after hours club doing tech work, and his actual job is weekends mostly in the summer with all the festivals. So basically he doesn't come home for 2-3 days without sleeping. This summer has been so rough for me because of this, as I can't stand seeing him so messed up and tired, and I felt lonely myself. I kept telling myself it will be over once busy season is done. Well busy season is done, and now I'm afraid he has become addicted to cocaine. It started with him just not coming home until 11am not because he is working, but because he's with the friends he made who got him into cocaine. I felt like he was choosing drugs over me. Anyways we fought and talked about it a lot, and ever since these two girls in his drug group of friends told him he should go home to me, now he is coming home. It took someone else to tell him he's in the wrong. But now he's coming home high, and now he's getting high on weekdays. I told him I really appreciate him coming home, but he's taking cocaine to the next level and I can't deal with that. I've noticed he is starting to have angry mood swings, and he says hurtful things he doesn't mean when he's on it. The only time he makes an effort to have sex with me is when he's high. The other night I had a full blown anxiety attack, which never happens to me, because he was yelling at me after I asked if he was high. And he yelled at me while I was having the attack because he was upset that the attack was due to him being high and angry. I'm hoping that night opened his eyes.. because we had another talk and he said he's going to stop completely, and he's sorry he makes me feel the way he does. I want to believe him, but I don't anymore. I'm scared because my cousin died from cocaine this past February. I need to know, at what point do you start to see the signs when cocaine has taken over? Would you say it already has? What things do I need to look out for? He started lying about things to cover his cocaine use up. What sort of things should I look out for to know if he's lying besides dilated pupils? I feel like there is still hope right now and I want try to encourage him to stop before it gets harder to stop. I feel like I don't completely trust that he will stop, because I know he has it in his head that he's in control and says things like I'll do it once a month. I never ever thought I'd be in this situation...
  23. Lately I have been feeling down about the world of dating . I dated someone like 2 years ago , relationship ended , haven’t been on a date since , kinda feeling angry about it . I feel like women have such an easier time , whereas for men it’s just ridiculous. I am trying to remind myself to be thankful for the things I have in life , I am 25 and got lucky with a really nice career , I live at home with my parents, rent free, and I got into collecting cars . I just can’t help but feel miserable about dating / women . Sometimes I think of my past relationship , and it’s always just thoughts about sex ..... Anyone ever feel this way or am I being too winey ?
  24. Hi Really desperate for some advice please. I’ve been with my partner for three years. He was separated at the time, and had an amicable divorce October last year. 6 months prior to that he asked what the next step was for us as we were already living together, have decided we don’t want children and had our first holiday. He shocked me but surprised me by mentioning marriage and said it was something he absolutely wanted.....fast forward to years and nothing has happened and I don’t believe he wants to now. I’ve tried to talk to him and his response is dismissive or ‘I’ve not thought about it anymore’ I don’t know what to do? I get upset but I feel angry that he sort of put it in my head and now doesn’t seem keen
  25. Dear all, I am seeing a guy for over 2,5 years. We had a relationship label for about 6 months but it made him so anxious that we officially broke up but kept seeing each other and were exclusive still. I know, very strange. We finally really broke up a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other for a month until he came back again. We are not exclusive now but we do see each other a lot, we hang out with mutual friends etc. He had a really rough youth, his father was murdered and he has contact with his mother even though it’s not a normal mom-son bond. It is clear he has a lot of unresolved issues and I see that most of the time he cannot help him self, his system is just as it is because he literally doesn’t know how to do different. He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing in front of his friends, even though I am the sweetest and most loyal person he has even known. Sometimes he sits down with me and tells me how much he loves me, that I have every reason to leave him forever and how it is possible that I am still here for him after all he has done. I am too understanding, I see so much trauma in him and I don’t take the way he is treating me personal but that is wrong. I am not being sweet to myself by allowing him to cross my boundaries every time. We fight like we are in a relationship even though we are officially not because he is too scared. I had an abortion last week. He came with me to the procedure and I counted on him being there for me that day. He told me he wanted to go to a festival afterwards, I became upset and told him that I needed him afterwards. He started yelling at me that everything always has to go my way, that I cannot force him to stay with me and that I always make so much drama. I started crying, I was about to have an abortion and here he was yelling at me that he wanted to go to a festival. I never did this ever before and I scared myself, but I was felt so misunderstood and so lonely that I slapped him in his face. How dare he talk about wanting to go to a festival and yelling at me before having an abortion. Slapping him is not okay, I know that. It did make him calm down though and he stayed, he sold his ticked. After the procedure I was in pain and felt incredibly sad and all I wanted was a hug from him. I came out the clinic and he was waiting for me. He asked how I was doing and a few minutes later he said if it was possible I would go to my mom because he felt forced to stay with me for the rest of the day. At that point, I was still feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthesia and I was still in pain from the procedure. I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I was still processing the abortion and him telling me he felt forced to take care of me trying to ship me off to my mom broke me. I was extremely upset, I couldn’t even stand anymore and I sat down crying hysterically in the middle of the side walk because I felt so incredibly sad, hurt and lonely. He said I needed to act normal and pulled me up. We did go to his house but I still needed to go to the pharmacy on my scooter to get antibiotics. I did not feel well to drive my scooter but I had to, to get my medication. He took the subway. I got the medication and when I came back to his place he did not say a word to me. He did not ask how I was feeling, he did not ask if he could get me something to drink. I told him if it was possible for him to show me some affection but he got very angry. He said that I should be happy that I could stay with him, that he was being way too sweet to me, that I forced him into staying with me and that I was exaggerating about my physical and emotional pain about the abortion. We got into a huge fight again but it became so much, I just couldn’t fight anymore so at one point I became quit until he started hugging me again. We spend a few hours together which were nice. In the evening he suddenly became angry again without no apparent reason, he just suddenly told me that he felt really unhappy today about how everything went and that I treated him poorly and unfairly. He basically kicked me out of his apartment and slammed the door in my face and afterword’s we shortly spoke on the phone that he needed me to back off, that this was too much for him and that he doesn’t want any contact for a while. I told him how sorry I was for slapping him, I sent him flowers with a card and an apology but he said that it was too much and that I need to distance myself from him. (Apparantly he feels suffocated? I was only trying to show him my regret for slapping him – I felt like an apology with flowers was the right thing to do). I am completely at loss, I just had an abortion which I still need to process and he suddenly doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Did I really act horrible? What do you think I should do?
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