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  1. I'm in the thick of trying to make sense of things after being dumped 2 weeks ago. Of course having the common issues with closure and accepting the rejection. I'm hoping that writing my situation out will help me process and hearing from others might also provide some comfort in my time of need. I started dating this 34(M) back in January 2021. He worked in data analytics, super smart, super educated, good nerdy type. (We dated for a total of 5 months and the last month was a long drawn out breakup) We met on Hinge and we had a pretty great first date. He was really into me it seemed. ALOT. I wasn't quite at that level just because I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. (However, I'm 30 and looks just aren't what I'm looking for now days at least not one of the main factors and I just really wanted to take things slow.) I wanted to do this differently this time 'round. He wasn't the usual type of guy I go for-- but I've realized over the past year that I have been single that I need to open my heart and eyes to other possibilities, personalities and people different than my go to. To be quite frank the really good looking ones just have really ***ed me over in the past. He had a lot of great qualities and I grew to become more and more attracted to him. In the first month I was a little taken back by the amount of interest he had in me and the level of priority and his availability overall. Not something I was used to at all. It scared me a little. I was on the fence whether I truly met a diamond in the rough or if this guy was love bombing me, or being super co-dependent. I will say we both come from a past. He came from a marriage that ended about 4 years ago where his ex wife apparently cheated on him on their honeymoon. 😮 I also came from a 3 year relationship about a 1.5 years ago who had cheated on me and done lots of shady ***. We both are very pro-therapy/working on mental health and identifying our roles in the past relationships we've had and really working on ourselves to heal that trauma. Over the course of the 5 months we would see each other 1-2 times a week, but talk/text everyday. The past year has been tough on me work wise because I really struggled to find something that I was really passionate about and one that didn't require me to work remotely due to COVID. I had accepted a job in January 2021, however it came apparent that it really wasn't something I wanted to do, so I was looking for something else in April 2021, interviewing here and there. My ex knew I was interviewing but I never really revealed how much I despised the job and literally wanted to quit everyday. I mean we had just started dating and I didn't want him to think I'm a quitter/unemployed. WELL.........the day came and I quit before accepting a new job. I didn't tell him I quit my job. I just wasn't comfortable revealing that information at the time. (Would you feel comfortable revealing to a NEW romantic partner that you REALLY liked, that you were a crappy relationship candidate? (in terms of being unemployed at the time) (again I hold a decent amount of my worth tied to my job, not ideal/balanced--I'm aware of that and trying to work on my identity being more than my job. However, I do think it's hard in today's overall culture -- "hustle culture" and "extreme productivity mindset" Well that proved to obviously not be the best thing because on the next few occasions we hung out I ended up drinking more than usual because I was hiding from the shame and guilt of being unemployed. For just a few hours I didn't want to think about it. Being unemployed is stressful and I know I'm not the only one out there that has experienced that type of "unemployment depression" if you want to call it. I feared telling him because I thought he'd leave me. In my mind my self confidence and self esteem was pretty low (as I hold a lot of my identity through what I do for work)--I really shamed myself and put him on a pedestal. Mind you, he never brought up me getting drunk the first time as an issue or that it bothered him. We never had established any conversation or boundaries around drinking. After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him. Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it. He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened. When he sent that, my alarm bells went off and it triggered me into "fear of abandonment" mode. (I know I'm still in therapy to work on that) Nonetheless, it was something that put me into a downward spiral/self - fulfilling prophecy that he was indeed going to leave me. I gave him some space and asked if he would call me when he got a chance as I wanted to talk about this and have a discussion. Well.... he never called me or asked to see me later. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next week. I finally revealed to him over text that I had quit my job and that my behavior was due to my extenuating circumstances and trying to do my best in my time of uncertainty with employment. (I'm still trying to understand how I hurt him so much by having a few drinks (and on a holiday) -- please understand I am not an alcoholic. My friends and family can vouch for that) I just had a few bad days where I was really feeling crummy about my situation. You might think that one you really care about and really like would show understanding and compassion toward a circumstance like this --- maybe feel more concern in ways to console those thoughts/feelings rather than throwing them back in your face. Unfortunately, THIS did not play in my favor by telling him the TRUTH. He eventually told me at the end of a long excruciating break-up month of him processing his feelings after I told him that---Well, He just couldn't get past the fact that I lied to him and hid that from him. He revealed that He's been lied to by friends, family, ex-partners, and that it hurts. He said, "All I've known is hurt" he went on to ask me "Why?" Why me, MiKayla?" "What did I do to you?" "What did I do to you to make you think I would leave" I apologized remorsefully over the course of the month. I sent an edible arrangement to him, I sent long chain texts messages trying to convince him to trust me and that the reason I lied and hid that from him was simply due to my own embarrassment and insecurity. This was not something that I was trying to intentionally inflict pain onto him or out of malice. I told him I wanted to fix this. "What can I do to fix this?"..... Days went by where he said he wanted to see me and talk this through, but then when it came down to it and I planned for it and expected to see him......he would ghost me and wouldn't hear a word from him the rest of the day/night. I'm brokenhearted....because I feel I truly lost a good one due to my stupid mistake and it hurts because I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself. Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. It's like as soon as things got serious/ there happened to show a little bit of conflict he ran. He ran fast......and I'm left feeling so confused and hurt because I fell for this person and I was blindsided by this. I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again. It ***ing hurts so bad. I really fell for him, I wanted to communicate with him and talk this through. I wanted to learn more about him, understand him more, be there for each other in hard times and at the 5 month mark I couldn't help but think of more in the future with him. So I'm grieving those expectations/once potential future..... Is it just me or is he having some really strong opinions to some small issues? (I didn't lie about being married, having children, or cheating)....Then again I am aware a lie is a lie..... I guess we could also just chalk it up to the 'ole, "He just wasn't that into you" and that's that...... move on..... He's just really made me feel like *** about this whole thing.....One of the last texts messages I got from him was, "This isn't just an issue between you and I MiKayla, but, rather how do I not bring this into future personal/intimate relationships in the future?" --Ouch..... I guess I really really did him dirty.
  2. I wish I was pretty. At school all my friends are drop dead gorgeous. Everyone has changed their look coming back prettier than ever, while I have looked the same for basically all my life. Sometimes my friends say that I'm pretty when I self-doubt myself. But I don't think it's true. Every morning I look into the mirror and see all the things wrong with my face. My face is too long, my nose has a huge bump on it, my eyes are to far apart, I have too much acne. I hate everything about it. My cousin is extremely pretty and I always wish I looked like her. My sister is so pretty and always gets compliments. I'm a person who always preaches self love and confidence when I actually have none. I'm always wearing a sweater even on the hottest summer days because I dislike the way my arms look. I want to pretty like the others. I wish I had enough confidence to post on instagram. I wish I didn't always delete every photo I took of myself.
  3. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
  4. Hi everyone, I need help with my current situation in life. I need to change my personal life. I love my family very much but I’m feeling held back and it’s stifling. I would like to start learning web development to work on a new platform idea. My problem is I live at home and I’m already 51 years old. I don’t have savings but will find a way to pay for the classes. I don’t even know where to begin explaining. I have many questions but most importantly is do you think it’s too late to start over at my age? I don’t feel confident but I will start over somehow. Please ask me questions and give me your ideas. I would greatly appreciate any of your views. Thank you, Starflowers
  5. So I've found out that my boyfriend watches porn and it made me feel really upset and angry and hurt. It makes me feel like I'm not enough to make him happy, it makes me feel like he fantasizes about these other women and he would rather be with them than me. It makes me feel like I can't live up to it... ultimately slashing my self esteem and making me feel really down and rubbish about myself. I've talked to him about it and he tried explaining that it's not like that, he doesn't know or care about these people it's just visual stuff and it's no big deal and he was only watching it because he's away working in London 5 days a week and he gets frustrated. In which I replied that just because he's not around at home doesn't mean I go off looking at other guys... why can't he just be happy with what he's got. And he said he is it's just what all guys do and testosterone etc etc. Even though he's sat down and explained it to me I still just don't get it and I can't help feeling this way. If I put 200% into a relationship I want 200% back. That includes no wandering eyes... I don't feel the need to look at other men because I'm perfectly happy. Anyway this chat went on for a while and ended up as I'm over-reacting and that I need to get over it fast. That's what he said... I tried explaining that I know some women are fine for their boyfriends and husbands to watch stuff and look at other girls as long as they don't take it too far like you know the whole "look but don't touch" thing. But then I also know a lot of women aren't comfortable with it... I spoke to a few of my friends about it yesterday and they all said they wouldn't feel comfortable and it would make them a little insecure too... so I can't just be making this up. I don't know what to do. I love him, he says he loves me. I know he would never cheat on me... I just can't shift these negative feelings I'm having about it. I've got confidence and self esteem issues as it is, he knows this. It's really difficult for me to not compare myself to others and get out of this way of thinking. Any advice would be highly appreciated because I do just want to get over it and make it work...
  6. I (M35) have been talking with this woman (32) since last December and we have met once (date went great). Our conversation have been extremely deep and we do have common values as well as goals in life. She is kind and smart but very, very emotionally sensitive and introvert. She also has tendency to "withdraw" every now and then. After our last date, we already made initial plans for another date. However, I noticed she started to flake - not responding to messages quickly and sometimes even left messages to unread. After a few days, my anxiety got a better off me and I called her out. She said she has not felt "natural urges" to keep in touch and make dating plans. I kinda felt bad and in a heat of the moment I said we might be better off qutting things. She said she respected this and agreed. Now after reflecting all of this, I´m starting to get second thoughts. I have started to think that I should have just given her more space and not push her. I´m starting to feel like I should contact her and apologize for pushing things. I miss her terribly and usually I do not go after exes, especially if we are just in a dating phase but we did have great emotional connection which makes me sad about this situation. Basically I am asking for advice what to do - reach her out or move on?
  7. My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious! I am debating moving in with him and getting a job in his town after grad school ends in May. He also wants to propose in August! This is a huge step for me, and I am getting a bit nervous about this because we had a very rocky start and I still get anxious about the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship. First, I want to mention the things that I love about him. I love his commitment to me. He has consistently been mentioning marriage to me and I haven't seen this in any the guys I have dated before me. His parents are also wonderful and I freaking love them. I also have full access to his phone (this is also a con lol) and for sure, he does not currently text anyone from his past or have weird things. We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past. Here is some information about them because there are a lot of people in this story and I think it will get confusing: Exes: - G4 is a high school teacher who BF dated for half a year but broke up because she wasn't really interested in him. He started dating me about six months after their breakup. - G3 is a girl he dated for about a year starting in 2017. This was a long distance relationship. He was basically one step away from proposing to her right before they broke up. Apparently he texted and met up with G1 during his relationship with her as well. - G2 is a girl he dated in grad school. Apparently he really really liked her but then she left and went to a different grad school. -G1 was his first girlfriend and they've been friends for a while before that. Crushes: - FZ is a "friend" who basically friend zoned him but sort of lead him on all through grad school, and he openly admitted to having a crush on. Apparently everyone in his cohort said he was in love with her, and his friends refer to her as his "baggage." He basically lived with her all throughout grad school and did relationship-like things with her. She was also his "pseudo-girlfriend" when she was on breaks between boyfriends and basically kept him around so he could help her on homework. She got married to another guy, FZH, and she would call BF to take her side whenever they were having marital issues. She was basically his "female best friend" but it was pretty sketchy. -L is a girl that BF works with. BF and L got into a conversation about wanting to be friends with benefits earlier last year, but nothing ever came of it. -A is another girl that makes me feel weird about BF. BF went to college with A but nothing ever happened. She moved away and got a boyfriend who nobody really likes. However, there were multiple messages on BFs phone (before we started dating) to other people saying how he wished he had dated her, how lucky the man who is going to marry her is going to be, how he felt obligated not to support her in a relationship, etc. Briefly mentioned: - DS: BF matched with her on a dating app before I got together with him. - DM is a girl he was flirting with literally hours before we decided to become girlfriend and boyfriend. My situation: So the first relationship problem started with FZ. BF would always bring this girl up in pretty much every conversation we had. I was getting annoyed with it because it sounded like he was reminiscing on weird things that they did together. One example is he talked about the time when he picked a fight with a guy at a bar because he offended her. Another time he told me about the time he fell asleep on the couch with her and they woke up holding hands. And then he told me about her crazy ex and how he took her in when she finally got the nerve to break up with him. These stories would be told to me multiple times. I even started playing a game with myself to see how soon he would bring her up in a conversation. FZ then started to say weird things about our relationship. She called our relationship stupid, and when BF confronted her about it, she said that she was "neutral" to us being together and that she didn't have time yet to make up her mind if I was good enough for BF. She never said that she was happy for BF. Then, she started commenting and basically staking her ground on every social media post that BF made. It got even weirder when she started messaging me little things that she knew about him that I didn't know yet. I got upset about FZ and basically told BF that (1) I didn't want to hear about her in conversation again and (2) if he was going to be friends with her then he had to either get her to apologize/stop being disrespectful or just stop being friends with her altogether. BF agreed that she was being rude and not acting like a friend at all, and he blocked her everywhere and doesn't speak to her anymore. He didn't really confront her about it but she is out of the picture so I feel fine about it now. The next thing that happened was L. I noticed that he was texting L a lot, and he basically told me about how they discussed being friends with benefits in the past. I was uncomfortable and set the boundary that I didn't want them to hang out one on one and that they should text during the day. That went well until, whenever BF would talk about me, she would just completely ignore the comment and not reply until BF sent something with a different subject. I think that was a bit disrespectful to our relationship, and I told him that basically I wan't really comfortable with him talking to her at all given their history. At first he wasn't okay with the boundary, saying "I only talk to her because of work." (Not true since their texts are completely non work related) We decided to agree that they only communicate professionally through email, and that is working fine for both of us. I am very happy about BF respecting those boundaries with FZ and L. The next issue was that I started finding random things of G3s old stuff in his house. I guess BF was not very proactive about getting rid of her old stuff, but it hurt seeing her clothes, old receipts of him buying her stuff, her old bible, etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but I guess it kept slipping his mind. After reminding him to get rid of her stuff multiple times, this turned into me yelling at him and he finally threw out the stuff. A similar issue that followed from this is that he had a bunch of pictures on social media from exes that made me uncomfortable and that we agreed on him deleting, but then I felt like I had to nag him after that to actually go through with it. Another issue then came. I basically started noticing that he was sort of comparing me to his exes in passing. For example, he would tell me "you actually want to hang out with me, not like G4." Or he would say "we actually communicate. G2 was a communications major and she couldn't even communicate." Or he would say that he never thought about marriage until I came along (which ended up being untrue when I found out about him almost proposing to G3). He told me about DS and told me "I turned down a lawyer for you!!" He also would just mention his exes randomly when he talked a lot and that would get me upset. I was getting so much information, like about how he "messed around" with a girl on the bus in high school and how he had sex on the floor with an ex in her room so her parents wouldn't hear. I heard all about these girls, like how one was Catholic and he was prepared to have six kids with her and he basically told me he took one of his exes virginity. Again,I told him that I was uncomfortable with that, and now he is doing a pretty good job of keeping that under control. I think at this point I felt very overwhelmed because I had never seen so many issues with other girls pop up in my past relationships. BF did tell me that I could go through his phone any time, so I took that really REALLY far and snooped through all his messages from like, the past three years. This snooping happened multiple times and I told him every time I snooped. This is obviously wrong for me to do, and I got a bunch of information that I think I shouldn't know. I learned from the messages about DS and A. I also saw old messages he had with all of his girlfriends and it basically pieced together all the information that I had about them from his stories about them. I learned that BF had hardly any conflict with them and even TMI information like that he had unprotected sex with one of them (which doesn't really bother me, it just reminds me of a very detailed conversation he had saying that he wanted to do that with me where he described exactly what would happen and now my brain is like, wow, does he know from experience or??). I also learned that two months before we started dating, he messaged all of his exes trying to spark a conversation. So basically, every time I told him about snooping through his phone, I would get upset about the little things that I learned and this would upset him. I basically was getting so insecure whenever I read the messages that I craved his validation and I would interrogate him about his past in hopes that he told me something negative about his exes. The thing is, all his girls are very similar in looks and personality, and I don't fit that standard at all, so it was making me insecure since I was comparing myself to them. I eventually realized that what I was doing was wrong, and the interrogating has stopped on my end. So now, things have leveled out, but I still can't help feeling anxious all the time. My brain comes up with scenarios (like A breaking up with her boyfriend and moving to his town, then him creating an emotional connection with her and then emotionally cheating on me, or that we will do something that he did with an ex and it won't be as good) that make me feel like I'm going crazy. I have so much anxiety about things that I fear will happen in the future that its blinding my own judgement on whether I trust him or not. BF would never cheat on me but I fear that he does not process his past relationships and drags it into our relationship. I fear that he is not over his exes and that he is comparing me to them in his head. Now that it is coming closer to the point where I may be moving in with him, I am scared. Part of me feels that without him around, I would rather move to Florida and start a job in warmer weather. I am afraid that we won't work out and that I will be stuck in his town in Maryland for a few years before I can make another move. Am I suffering from retroactive jealousy? Am I suffering from really bad anxiety? Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? Am I doing anything on my end to add to this feeling/ our problems? I feel so confused and would definitely like a third party opinion.
  8. I never thought this sort of thing would bother me, but it's starting to. *Every* time my boyfriend talks about other girls (friends, ex girlfriends, girls he used to like, etc.), he puts in a comment about how good looking they were, or how big their chests were, etc. Some examples just from today: "That girl I went on a few dates with last year, Kristina... she was a REALLY beautiful girl." "There was this girl at Radio Shack yesterday undressing me with her eyes. She was seriously gorgeous. Amazing chest." "The girl from Craigslist selling the bike was so good looking. If I were single I probably would've gone home with her." I'm not an insecure person, and he tells me all the time that he thinks I'm beautiful, treats me amazing and never puts me down, but at least 5 - 10 times a day he mentions how beautiful/pretty/sexy other girls he knows are. I don't care if he thinks that; we're all human -- but why the need to bring it up so often? I would never talk about all the good-looking men I know. Am I over-reacting, or is this a legitimate annoyance?
  9. hi guys. i'm seriously lost on what i should do right now. my boyfriend keeps insulting me on things i'm super insecure about and he knows that it hurts me and makes me cry when he does (most notably my school and my teeth and how i don't have too many friends). i'm going to community college to save money for graduate school and transferring to a university out of state close to where he's going, while he's probably going to a university better than mine since his parents are college professors and he thinks he's immune from getting rejected from the fancy school he has a legacy in. i won't get into too much detail about what happened but he made a really condescending joke about community colleges after i told him not to at least 10 times in the past. it's always the same joke format when he insults something i'm sensitive about, where he's not being upfront/mean enough to make him take accountability because he will always deny it and lie about what he really meant. i'm sensitive about this because he knows NOTHING about community college and he thinks that because i'm going there i won't have a good job in the future, when in reality i'm just doing it so i can afford to go to college out of state to be near him and he knows this. what should i do to make him stop because me talking to him about it and expressing how much it hurts is simply not working. thanks everyone
  10. Hi folks. I'm a newbie - here because I need some outside perspectives with something I'm finding really hard. I was married a few years ago.. no kids or anything, so when we split it was a very clean cut. He's out of my life permanently, and I stepped away from his family and some mutual friends in order to achieve this (which hurt, but it was the right thing for me). I'm free as a bird and although I had to make a few difficult choices along the way, I'm happy with my choices and the space it gives me to pursue something new. I've now met a really lovely man who I adore - but his circumstances are pretty much the exact opposite of mine. This man still lives with his ex - not for financial reasons, or because they can't get out of a lease, or anything like that... it's because they're close, enjoy living together, and have no plans to make any changes to their living arrangement ever. They broke up earlier this year, and his ex started seeing someone new (a female) straight after the split. There's no chance of them getting back together and he keeps reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about and he has no feelings for her... I believe him, but holy hell I'm finding his living arrangements hard to cope with. It's not just the living arrangements either... their lives are intertwined, so they still act like a couple. They'll go out shopping for the day together, looking for new clothes. When they go grocery shopping they do it together. They holiday together and share a tent. They'll meet other couple friends for dinner and sit there as a cozy foursome. She'll visit him at work and bring him a coffee. They still have the same social circle and everyone adores this girl, so there's no aspect of his life that she's not a part of. Half of their friends/family don't even know they've broken up. He gets weird about answering questions given the sensitivity around her now being with a woman - he feels like it's not his news to share, which I do on some level understand. It's just awkward AF when we bump into someone he knows who still thinks he's in a relationship and doesn't understand why he's alone with a different girl. He doesn't correct them, and I've received some pretty dirty looks as a result, which has been zero fun. On one hand I feel like I'm being immature and needy that this bothers me so much, given his assurance that they're never getting back together... but on the other hand this whole thing makes me feel sad and insecure, and like I don't fit anywhere. I feel like I'm his dirty side piece, even though I'm the one he's dating. I feel like there's zero chance of me being able to integrate into his life while things are like this, but I'd never ask him to make changes - it's the kind of decision he needs to make for himself, not for me. I can't challenge their dynamic, because he considers this girl family, when all of his other family are overseas. It makes me feel like a jerk for being so insecure about things. How can I stop feeling like this girl is sitting in my seat? He thinks it would help both her and me if we met, but honestly I think that will just make me feel so much worse. How would you guys feel? Am I being childish and petty and held back by my own insecurities, or is it fair to feel really really uncomfortable with these circumstances? I feel like I can't even ask him 'what did you get up to today?' without feeling hurt by the answer. He's the first person I've had feelings for in years and when it's just us things are really so wonderful... it's just everything outside of the 'us' that sucks. Would you stick with it, or would you run for the hills? Help. Please :(
  11. Long story short. I have been dating and living with my girlfriend who i really love for almost 8 months now. My only issue is that she is good friends with her ex "friends with benefits" friends. To top it all of, she seems to be getting along with them ( 3 in total) really well. she has more common interests with them then she has with me. It makes me question why she chose me instead of them, I guess it may be the fact that we have common values and that we want the same things in life. I keep feeling that she made a mistake and that she will soon realize and let me go. We have spoken about it and she keeps saying that she loves me and that she wants to marry me. But that insecure feeling I have wont go away. I can't ask her to stop being friends with them because that would be unfair. I feel like everytime she talks to them, I keep getting images in my head of what they did together and I can't let it go. Is there a way to feel less insecure about this? Thanks..
  12. I left my narcissist husband last year (after years of his cheating, drinking and reckless behaviour). I zoned out of the marriage years prior and did a lot of grieving and growing during that time so I felt I was ready to move on. A few months later I met a guy and he is my problem. At first everything was ok although I could sense he was a little insecure. He was desperate to push the relationship along at breakneck speed and was pretty pissed when I said we should take our time before talking of moving in together (after like 3 or 4 months). I don’t know really what went wrong but he seemed angry a lot of the time and almost depressed. He admitted to being jealous and said I was too good for him in many different ways. He began to pick fights, he’d walk out, go silent on me, he didn’t put me down directly but he’d question some things I did, and he’d tell me this was who he was and I should accept it. He had few friends, no hobbies, and spent all his time without me alone (I think). This was all interspersed with us still getting along ok and him always telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me. I think he did. I don’t lack confidence. I think he found it difficult to handle that I had my own life and knew how to take care of my own happiness. It takes a lot to shake me but I feel like he tried over and over again. Sometimes he did. I felt that despite dating for almost a year we never had a strong connection and we never had a destination or a future. We did talk about the future but it was all so grainy and we could never agree on what it would look like. Towards the end I was walking on egg shells. He said he was walking on egg shells but that’s BS. I went out of my way to tell him and show him I loved him because I could see he was struggling with insecurity. I avoided arguments but occasionally I would lose it and fight with him, big. Just before I ended it I had planned a night out with a friend and when I told him he never said he was pissed but he was pissed. He admitted to being jealous a couple of times but we never really talked about it since I did nothing to make him feel that way. I feel bad for him. He seems more messed up that I ever imagined. I think I contributed to it somehow. We’ve been in touch and I feel like he’s having a pity party and not entirely taking responsibility. Maybe that takes time. Does it? A part of me wants to help him through it (although he is in withdrawn mode and hasn’t asked) and another part wants to just leave him to it. Has anyone experienced similar and did it end well or not?
  13. Hi everyone. I want to start by saying I hope everyone is safe and well during the pandemic. About my relationship, I had a tricky breakup last year and I didn't intend to jump into another relationship as quickly as I did, but love happens and everything seems so perfect through those rose-tinted glasses. It's been just under a year since we've been together, our families have met and we come from strict Asian cultural backgrounds (when parents meet it means it's serious and its heading down the path of marriage) I'm so happy with him or I was happy with who he was, but during the pandemic, he's been at home and with his family. His mother is quite religious and I feel he has become religious too, more so than his mum!! He wants to meet less and less now because there will be more "blessings" for when we actually get married next year (having sex or anything before marriage is a sin, bearing in mind! I was a virgin when we met and we had sex and he happened to be my first) The whole religion spiel is not what I signed up for. I find religious people become so hypocritical and it is okay for them to pick and choose what suits their needs whenever they feel like it, and we all must accept it because it's for the sake of religion ? Also he knows about my past, my ex, what happened, the details But when I asked him about his past, he said he's been with "3 or 4 people"... its either 3 or 4, I'm sure one would remember.... I had the mindset that the past is his business and if he didn't want to talk about it then I was okay with it. But I met up with some of my friends, and they told me that even though ignorance is bliss, it can make me naive. And knowing what happened just briefly or why it broke down is important if we are to be getting married... and if I'm asking he should be respectful enough to reutrn the favour and give me something more than "3 or 4". I did ask what happened, he said "it just didn't work out", and he closed up. I dont want to go crazy on him, but I feel like I've had a few built up frustrations brewing. And I don't want to be a doormat, but I can be a complete people pleaser to the point where I won't even realise I'm miserable until its too late. I dont know what to do anymore. Also I'm going into my final year of law and I study abroad on the other side of the planet (6 hour flight), so I'll be away for the next year, up to my head in exams.... to come back to an engagement?.... I'm not sure how I feel about it He really wants a relgiious ceremony/engagement, and if i postpone it he gets really upset about it. I had planned to get a nose job this summer, which got cancelled due to COVID, so it will be happening a month before my graduation and soon after graduation (2-3 weeks) he wants an engagement. I feel like he was super clever in getting families involved so soon. Because it's frowned upon to date and both of our mothers would rather we get engaged/relgious ceremony out of the way and a massive circus wedding later on. I really despise my culture soemtimes, no, most of the time. And I was truly happy with all of it until the religion thing kept cropping up, do I cross my legs and supress my wants and needs for 8 more months? Also I'm flying out to university next week and this was supposed to be our long weekend together He caught a cold (no its not COVID, he got tested lol) because the gyms had opened up and he was going everyday sometimes twice a day I did make my concern clear that.... overdoing the gym you'll wear yourself out and get sick/catch COVID.. but he didn't listen. He did what he wanted to. and now our weekend is cancelled. No... you're right... it's not his fault he's sick or caught a cold, not entirely, but then he said "maybe everything happens for a reason and it's Gods way of keeping us apart" I mean seriously . I was on the brink of letting the cold thing go until he laced it with that ? GUYS WHAT THE FK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE I love him, I do, he's sweet and so caring and affectionate, really handsome (which doesn't mean anything really but its a plus because I always settled for nice guys who I was never attracted to, I have a lot of insecurity issues and that would be a whole other post) and we always had fun together but I don't know whats happening anymore Speaking on insecurities.... I never had sex because I was so insecure, but he was the first person I felt so comfortable with and trusted him I broke up with my ex because culture and religion got in the way and made a point not to fall into that trap again, but I really hope I'm wrong But i feel like every guy i get involved with starts of calm, chill, normal, and then wants to marry me and become some religious person and I dont get it I'm defnitely not giving off virgin Mary vibes anymore
  14. I started dating someone from bumble (we are not exclusive) and we get along great and are both into one another. He’s really sweet and treats me right unlike a lot of others I have dated. He’s a masters student and is writing his thesis and should be defending this coming fall. Last time I saw him (Wednesday) we talked about doing something this Saturday. I texted him today with some ideas, thinking he’d know I was talking about the weekend and not tonight especially since I mentioned some activities that are typically done during the day. Anyway, once we decided on an activity, he wrote back saying “how about tomorrow/Sunday? I have a meeting with my advisor tonight at 8pm”. I am probably being insecure and crazy but it seemed kind of weird/fishy that he would feel the need to tell me what he was doing tonight instead of just asking if we could do tomorrow/Sunday. And I know we are not exclusive so he is free to see others but he could’ve just said he couldn’t tonight and left it at that, even though I wasn’t asking about tonight. We haven’t had the talk about if we are still dating others yet so it’s obviously still okay if he is seeing others, it just seems weird he would have an advisor meeting 8pm on a Friday night and if it’s not true, that he would lie to me about it when I didn’t even ask. I’m not in academia so I don’t know what’s the norm and what’s not.
  15. So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all. When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad. Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love. Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure? Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours. I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us. She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts.... From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires. It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship. Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal. I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up. I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up. I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel. The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game.. I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too? I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two. Thanks for reading.
  16. If this is in the wrong forum please move it to the correct one Okay so first let me say I know nobody is psychic and nobody can tell anyone why someone is doing what they are doing or anything close to that. I sometimes have trouble understanding simple things and I think this is a case of that and I would like to apologize in advance if this does come off confusing I am trying to fit a couple of weeks into a small amount of text so I don't drone on about it. I have been getting to know someone I have known for 13 years more personally, before this I had not seen her in 8 years and when we caught up we clicked and vibed as we always had. She over the last 13 years has had quite toxic relationships which have gone horrifically for her. DV, manipulation, cheating on her, etc. She explained to me that she had been single the last 5 years and was ready to spend her life alone and then I come along and knock all her walls down and she wants to see where this goes as shes never had any feelings like this before with anyone. So things were becoming quite intense between us over about a month, one night she mentioned something to me which triggered me and set me off on a rant.. not an abusive one just a frustrated one (i was frustrated I couldn't get what I wanted to say out properly and kept going on and on) and I believed I had triggered her. Due to all the restrictions in relation too Covid-19 we were not seeing each other 1on1 much. But there were certain things like "good morning (kiss face here)" and "good night (kissy face) here" "I miss you" "I miss your voice" "call me" a picture of what she was doing with her day, a gif of a sunrise on a beach with a campfire "cant wait to do this with you", a picture of the sunrise on her morning walks and sunset at her house. Things like this were an everyday occurrence when we were not with each other. The following day it all went to she didn't speak to me for a couple of days and I didn't get to see her. I had to go away pretty much straight after that for work and am still away for work for a couple of weeks. and what I have noticed is that the good mornings have pretty much disappeared sometimes I get "good morning :)" I haven't gotten a good night since that day I went on my frustrated rant. I've gotten an "I miss your voice" maybe once and that was recently and occasionally maybe three times I've gotten a picture of her morning or evening or even when we are talking on the phone and she has to put her kids in line, she will put the phone down and tell me "I don't like you to hearing me cranky" We have spoken about this and she explained to me that my rant was a massive pull back to reality for her and that she really let her emotions and her intensity take over and that the way she is seeing it now is it is not reasonable for her to be feeling and saying the things she has been saying and that there is no denying the feelings are there but she just needs to slow down and chill and that she does care about me and still wants to see where this goes but she can't let her intensity take over. I let her know what caused my trigger that day and why I felt how I did at that moment and that it was nothing to do with her just my insecurities, she explained to me that her walls are back up and that because of her past relationships she has to be careful because going to hard too fast only gets her in trouble. We still talk every 2nd night on the phone for 3 or 4 hours at a time, pretty much fall to sleep on the phone together. I cant wait to see her when I get back, I really can't. I am fine with taking it slow and getting to know each other on the level properly as the intensity can sometimes be quite full-on, but my issue is here and I have made this available to her, in my past relationships / when I've been getting to know people... When the little things are removed like the good nights, the kisses on the cheek, the intensity this is not a good sign and has always lead to an issue whether it be a breakup or just stop talking to each other. when I explained this to her she told me she still wants to see where things go and I asked her if she doesn't can she please let me know, she agreed that she would let me know. I know that she keeps telling me that she still wants to see where it goes and that she just can't be as full-on, but I feel like she is "weening" me off of the little things and intensity to put me back to a lesser position in her life, without upsetting me. (my insecurities here also, from previous experiences) I am happy to carry on as normal but at the moment I just feel like I should be wary that I could be being played on some level. She will always be welcome in my life as a friend, partner, or even just someone I see once every 10 years. She has been through every hard moment in my life with me and always been there for me and me for most of hers so I guess I just wanna make sure I approach this with as much knowledge as possible I do feel quite immature posting this but it has bothered me even wit her reassurances for a couple of weeks since this happened originally. All I am hoping to gather is maybe some insight from someone who has been in this situation before whether it is in my place or hers, perhaps some insight on how their minds were working at the time and maybe some advice on how to approach the situation. Sorry about the confusing mess i just type it as it comes to my head.
  17. So here is some context, currently we are dealing with the COVID-19 situation and because of this I hadn't seen my boyfriend for over a month. Weve been together for two years and overall things have been great. I can admit I do have trust issues based on previous relationships and things from my past and that's a problem I am trying to work on. However he's never really given me a reason to 100 percent not trust him. Yes, he does have a lot of girl friends and it does kind of make me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I cant and don't want to control him. Sometimes though I do get very insecure and I hate to admit it but I have looked through his phone before, only twice in the two years we've been together because I always feel awful doing it. But sometimes a feeling of burning curiosity comes over me and i just do it, mostly as confirmation that he hasn't done anything because for the most part I don't really think he is the cheating type. Well, just this week I was able to see him again after so long (well long to us, the most we've gone without seeing each other was like a week and a half) and that was really wonderful. However during the time apart I was worried of a distance forming between us because as time went on it felt like he didn't really want to talk to me as much and i don't know he just seemed distant. and i got a little insecure because what if the physical distance made him lose interest or something? i don't know but something felt a little off for me. Yesterday he spent the night at my house and we were hanging out today just relaxing. Well he fell alseep in the livingroom, his phone was in my room charging, and due to me having such an odd feeling about what was going on when we couldn't be together i went on his phone. I wasn't expecting to find anything as always, however this time I did. It was on his snapchat, there was a girl he was messaging and no shame to any kind of sex workers but she was a girl who clearly sold pictures of herself and I'm sure you can fill in the rest. what made me notice it was that her username said "[her name] ($ for nudes)", so obviously I was like what the..? The chat was only him messeging over a span of a few weeks, she seemed to be ignoring him or something. It was just messages like "oh i found your snap through a group chat you looked amazing" and "i can see your reading my messages why arent you responding" and such. it just seemed very fishy so i confronted him about it and was like what is this, who is this, what were you trying to do. and all the while he wasn't responding, just shaking his head no. I asked him why he wouldn't explain what was going on and eventually he said I'm not going to explain something that didn't involve anything wrong. I just wanted to know what his intentions were with her and what was up. he ended up getting really mad at me and said he didn't even want to look at me. so he left to go home. I don't know if I did something wrong because he got so angry (which he never really does, i was shocked when he said he didn't want to be around me) or what going on. I just don't understand because he was the one who had sketchy stuff going on, if it wasn't sketchy or wasn't what it looked like then why couldnt he just explain it? I know he didnt cheat but a boundary was definitely crossed and it is very hurtful. Because he knows without a shadow of a doubt that doing that kind of stuff is a no-no in our relationship. I let a lot slide, but that is something I am not comfortable with. So the fact that he would do that anyway just makes me feel like he doesn't value my feelings. I don't really know what to think, so thoughts?
  18. Hi guys, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 2 months, but there is something that I cant quite wrap my finger about and it’s the fact that my boyfriend every time we see a movie, show or whatever on tv and theres a pretty or beautiful woman he acknowledges it and says how beautiful she is in front of me and trust me this is all the TIME!!!. Not to mention that when we go out and there is a beautiful girl in a restaurant, movies, walking nearby,etcc I can tell he looks at this girl back and forth trying to be discreet but I can see he is looking, this happened yesterday we went to a popular outdoor mall where we live and little after we arrived this group of couples arrived and in front of us was a guy and his girlfriend ( part of that group, she was very pretty indeed) but first I was eating enjoying my meal, then I noticed my boyfriend was looking at her, so obviously I got the picture. Then he began telling me how their body language was, so I just went ahead and said to him, that this girl was really pretty for the guy that she was with( it was the truth, nevertheless that’s their business right!!) so my boyfriend said the same thing, that she was way to pretty for her boyfriend. Then he stared a little more. When we left, the group of girls had stand up to go to a fashion store in front of us, so when we were about to leave we were facing the store and there she was with the rest of the girls ( with their behinds facing us) I saw them and then my bf looked and then as we left walking away he looked again. He did this to me in another restaurant, where he was the one facing a couple, well facing the girl especially , with huge fake boobs and commenting how she looked like an actress that had an amazing body but ugly face, then he said “oh the couple is leaving the boyfriend was a gentleman for putting his sweater on her”. Why do you guys thinks is the real reason this 48 year old man does this to me or comments these things in front of me ( 31 years old) is he insecure? Is he gaslighting me? He wants to make me jealous or doubt myself? To me all of this scream insecurity from his behalf trying to make me( which I happen to be very secure) to make me insecure, or even worse make me feel belittled, or as if I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM. Not cool for a man that supposedly” loves me and wants me very much” My good friend told me that he is acting very immature for his age and the fact that I talk to him about how good I look, that I love my curvy body and how much security I have in myself, may drive him nuts and he wants me to feel the other way around so he can have some control over me, she also told me these men turn women obviously if they are not strong enough into the most insecure woman ever. Sometimes, he tells me how good I look,, before he used to do it more, now it has decreased I say it more to myself in front of him. I feel this gets to him for some reason ( when I praise myself) I do it because I know I am beautiful and look good.
  19. Me and my boyfriend started talking this time last year and we started talking and he made me wait a good six months until asking me out that whole time talking to loads of girls . And only figuring out he wanted to be with me after we stopped talking for a short period . We were together and the whole time I saw him doing small things like following loads of girls and liking old pictures but I tried to ignore it never thinking he’d do that to me.Then on New Year’s Day he went to this massive party proceeding to try to make a private story so he could document the night on Snapchat. He accidentally made a group chat and I could see everyone he was planning to add and one girl was a girl he previously talked to and I got angry and questioned him about it and he flipped it on me saying I was overthinking it . I did not talk To him that night he was out and he ignored me until I text him the next day where he proceeded to break up with me being extremely short no love . Then a few days later he texts me asking for me back but I’d a feeling he was in loyal at tha party and he told me he had kissed another girl (only after I asked did he admit this he would’ve never told me he even told me this ) . Some how I forgave him and tried to move on but I couldn’t let it go I started getting paranoid having dreams and checking his followers and what he was liking . And We fought and broke up two times since the Cheating incident always ending up on us back together . Recently I started noticing him following loads of pretty girls from my area and I brought it up trying to tell him it was irritating me and making me insecure he then got mad and broke up with me again saying he can’t keep going back and forth with me . He was short breaking up with me like always and I know he’s going to ask for me back and I don’t know what to do ? Am I the problem? Am I being too paranoid? Or is he just not understanding how insecure he’s made me .
  20. I left my husband whom I’ve been with for eight years last April because he was controlling and extremely abusive. I had to get a restraining order and it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I recently started dating someone. we don’t have a title but we are committed to each other. He is not great with communicating his feels at all. I often don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m really good at expressing myself And I’m pretty in tune with my feelings. But I’m also a very damaged insecure person and I have two school-age children. I moved into an apartment by myself three months ago and I don’t have a lot of a support system. I work and I’m with my kids. I don’t really have a lot of extracurricular activities going on and so I am home a lot it feels to me as if he really likes me I mean that is extremely apparent we like each other very much but he doesn’t make any effort To try to make plans with me I’m always the one who’s making the initiative and I have the whole time and it feels like he has no problem making time with his friends to do things ahead of time but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me I have to ask him if he wants to come over I have to ask him if you wants to hang out on a weekend and I don’t like that but I think he’s used to having his own thing and he’s in different clubs in a part of different programs and he’s got you know a lot of good friends and here I am entering in his life And I don’t have anything going on so I feel like I’m always waiting around for him to want to see me and I know that looks probably pathetic I really don’t want to be the type of woman that sits around waiting for him to let me know and I feel like that does give an unequal power to the relationship and I’ve expressed that the stuff bothers me and that I’d like him to be the one to make the initiative to make plans and his response was well if you expect me to make plans with you it’ll be last minute because I don’t make plans 3 or 4days ahead of time. which to me just sounds like bull. we’re both in our 30s I have kids(he does as well but they don’t live with him.) I have to make plans in advance because of that. And it seems like he always has something going on on weekends so I feel like I have to let him know I am free. He comes over a couple times a week after they go to bed and will leave early in the morning so A my kids won’t see him and B he has to be up early for work. so my kids have not met him. I just feel like maybe if I had more activities and things going on in my life, I wouldn’t be so anxious to see him all the time. I just don’t know how to do that when I have kids and I don’t really have any family. I have one friend. I feel like this situation is making me feel like because I think he knows that if he wants to see me then I’ll be down. so it’s not like he has to make much of an effort. I don’t know how to fix that. Should I not ask him to come over anymore? when he does ask if he can see me, tell him I’ve got things going on so that way he won’t think I’m so readily available. I do really like him and he is very good person I just think that this is super new for both of us and he’s been single for a long time. I just don’t want to lose him by being insecure but I also don’t want end up ending it because I am frustrated and feel like a side note. I was with him all last weekend. Which was great BUT I had to ask for that to happen. And I can’t get past a comment he made before about the last girl he was with. he spent every weekend with her and then she just stop talking to him. he didnt know why. my kids were going to go off and do other things this weekend so I asked him last night(thursday) if he had any plans for Saturday and he tells me all these plans he has for the weekend. Why is it that he can make plans in advance with his friends but not me? I just don’t feel like much of a priority.
  21. Naturally, I was never really a person who would get jealous in general but recently being in a longer relationship it started to come out of me - not mild but very bad. Everytime I see a girl passing by especially wearing a bit revealing clothes, I look at my boyfriend to see if he will look at her, and usually he does. It hurts me deep even though that glance lasts for a second. When I tell him to stop doing it he tells me he doesn't and that I'm imagining but I'm pretty sure I have 2 healthy eyes. Now, I know I sound insane and I feel that it's very unhealthy for me to behave like this but I just don't know how to stop it/deal with it. It's getting out of hand and I don't even know why I started feeling this way out of nowhere. It literally makes me insane and I keep having nightmares. I have to mention, everything else in our relationship is great. This guy moved to my country just to be with me. However, I cannot accept this - it plants insecurity in me and it makes me lose trust in him. I wish I could change my ways if I'm wrong here.
  22. Hi all, I've been doing online dating recently, for about the past 2 months and while there has been some fun times I've also had some pretty awful times. I know 2 months isn't a long time but I guess I was originally hoping things would go better than they have and it is getting to me a little bit. So I haven't managed to find someone who's right for me yet. It's really strange because I seem to either find guys who really really like me and I don't feel anything for them or I find guys who I end up liking and they kind of end up disappearing. I guess I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me and why this keeps happening or if I like start acting weird when I like someone or something but am unaware of it but anyway.. Just to give some context I do have an anxious attachment style. I don't know if any of you have read the book Attached but it's a really good book and shed so much light on why I act the way I do and feel the way I do in relationships and why I find it so hard to just be calm and control my emotions when I'm feeling insecure. I wouldn't say that I am a particularly needy or clingy anxious person as I have spent a lot of my life single and have enjoyed being single, but when I do like someone a lot I do tend to overthink and worry about if they like me and if I'm doing anything wrong. i can push people away when I'm feeling anxious as I'm scared that they will reject me or leave and don't I do well with mixed signals and guys putting in half-a**ed effort. I honestly feel so much better when I get reassurance from a guy but it's not something that I want to need to feel secure in a relationship if that makes sense lol. Anyway so when I fisrt started this whole dating thing 2 months ago I was feeling so confident. I had some really great dates even though nothing really came out of them, but I kind of took a hit when I went on a date with this guy who I thought was really into me. He drove just 4 hours to see me and he pretty much the whole time (which was 2 full days) was saying how much he liked me, how he didn't want to leave, he pretty much paid for everything he even wanted to buy me clothes which I said no to because we just met! He kissed me at one point and said he had been wanting to do that the whole time and he was just so nice and comforting. We did end up sleeping together before he left btw. Anyway so after he left and went back home his messages started getting slower, he was still being extremely nice, but yeah I'd wait a few hours or a day for a response unlike before when he pretty much would reply straight away. Then he just cut me off completely and I saw he was still online on the app we met on so I was like okay awesome! I think the thing that sucked the most was that I didn't really think much of him when he first came to visit, but after how he was treating me on this date and how reassuring he was I started to really like him and it just felt so bad to have him do all that then ghost me. I still have no clue what went wrong. Anyway so this kind of thing has happened to me a few more times since then. Always with guys who I actually start to feel something for. It is kind of messing with my head a bit and I'm starting to feel really insecure. I went on a date with one guy 2 weeks ago who I think was pretty nice and we could have got along really well. But I was feeling so anxious and couldn't stop thinking that I was going to mess up the date and so I did mess up the date! I was being really awkward the whole time and I couldn't seem to shake it off. I'm going on another date this weekend and I'm starting to get that same feeling of I'm going to screw it up or get hurt and whatever. I really don't want to give up on dating because I do want to find someone at this point in my life, but it is a lot more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you get through it? Do you just keep going until you find someone who you just feel good around? Should I take a break? Should I just get over it and realise this is life and that those jerks are not worth my time anyway? Any help would be awesome!
  23. My situation might be quite weird compared to the average poster. I'm an avid gamer, it's my main hobby and it's how I spend most of my time. Through this I've had the luck of meeting an incredible girl: she's selfless, responsible, smart, we are absolutely on the same wavelength, have similar life experiences and we just connected in a beautiful way that made us fall in love. We live in different countries which, of course, makes things hard, but we call every day and try doing different things together when we both have time. Caring so much for one another, we've made plans to meet and now the big day is actually coming in less than a week. Here's the problem though: my personality, in specific my insecurities, anxiety and just being nervous overall. It's always being a part of me, I don't like it, I've tried working on it, I develop methods, but sometimes it still hits me, my mood drops very low very quickly and I still struggle to deal with this weakness of mine. These issues can sparkle from something as her meeting with male friends, or her having loads of fun and laughing a ton with someone else. Just writing I know it sounds crazy: I don't know to want to be an obsessive jealous boyfriend and I really wish I could just not worry over such things. I still get these thoughts though. I'm also close to some of my most important and possibly last university exams now and studying, preparing is taking its toll on me: I spend most of my days on books, I lost basically all hobbies and I'm quite sure it's bringing its impact on the relationship. I don't have as much to talk about, my mood tends to be lower, I'm not as energetic as I could be, … and these things lead to me not making her laugh as much as I used to, to me not being as much fun to hang out with as before (I think, she never said anything like it). So a vicious cycle develops where I don't feel like I'm taking proper care of her which leads to me fearing she might lose interest and go for other people, even male friends, that make her laugh and are in general not so heavy minded which leads to me begin worried and nervous... She's always incredibly supportive, loving and I do feel like this could be the chance of a lifetime, she's just that perfect. So I'm scared: this side of my personality has already been an issue with a previous relationship and I don't want it to happen again, I don't want to lose her. I know I should at least invest more time into myself, whether it'd be getting back more seriously into gaming (which is a shared passion too) or just any hobby that fulfills me and makes me happier, but I'm still quite lost regarding what to do and how to handle such thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry if the post is quite generic: I'm new too this, it feels weird talking about something so private online
  24. Hey all! Just joined in seek of advice, hopefully y'all can help me out. I'm a 29 guy who met 27 female on OKC about 1.5 months ago. Been out on 3 dates, almost no physical contact and no kiss so far (rejected on third date). Her profile mentioned she likes to get to know the guy before any escalation. All 3 dates have been fun (non-stop laughing from both and we have a lot of things in common) and we text between dates. Asked for a 4th she said yes, but she canceled the morning of because she was feeling sick, apologized and offered to reschedule. We did, but date didn't happen (she had family stuff going on...no reschedule offer). She keeps texting though and replying to me as well. We haven't had the "what are you looking for" talk during any of the 3 dates (kinda focused on having fun), but her profile said long-term dating. We haven't any relationship talk whatsoever, just "get to know each other" kinda thing. I have to say I'm not experienced in dating. She's a musician and most of her songs are about insecurities with men, being "too nice of a girl", and "wanting to have something real" but all she's heard before is men saying they are not ready for that. Keep in mind that this info is from her songs, not because we've talked about it. I do not know what to do. In all honesty, I like this girl, but not sure how to move forward with this. Am I dealing here with a "broken" girl who's insecurities and past experiences make her behave like this? She might be interested but doesn't want to invest and get hurt (again) without knowing what the guy really wants? Do I need to bring up the "what are you looking for" try to see if she opens up and me be clear about my intentions (call her, text, or ask her out again)? She's not interested and I was friend-zoned? Do I let this one go?
  25. thanks for opening! so i have been in a relationship witha great guy for 8 months now. he's awesome. sometimes i feel insecure about something so i wanted to ask you all when my boyfriend gets drunk, hes get this confidence and starts being really friendly and flirty with females. we will be out at a bar or restaurant and there will be a girl bartender and a guy bartender and he will be friendly and flirty and nice to the female one and feels threatened by the male one - he will approach random girls to say something witty and funny but literally never does it with random males - why is this? any insights or thoughts? experiences?
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