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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. If you could have any one super power, what would it be? Mine would be the ability to stop time. Isn't that the one thing I always hear myself saying, thinking, feeling? If only I had more time. Isn't that the wish on everyone's tongue tip? So okay, new found power, say you happen, I know the moral of the day is that I'll end up wasting you on trivial s**t, but sometimes I just need to gather my thoughts and collect myself. Life is fast and it only seems to be getting faster. One day I was 16 and all I could think about was the endless currency of precious time I had to spend. It was so undervalued. I'd do nothing with it. Spend it in bed, spend it online, spend it daydreaming. The only thing that's changed is the first part - hello new early riser - goodbye I've got forever so let's just chill and things will happen next year. Now I wake up 24 having to think if I'm actually well into my twenties or just getting started so I still have the excuse of 'but I'm young!' I'm getting married in two and a bit weeks time, things are changing but I feel the same. I need more time! More time to plan, more time to get myself sorted, more time to figure out what I want and need to do before it's too late, before I say I went to sleep 24, newly wed and woke up 36 and aching with the feeling - I could of done so much more, if only I had more time. If I could use my magic power only once, it would be for the most selfish reason. I would pause time whilst D holds me. Those moments where you wake up on Sunday morning to cool sheets, drizzly weather, grey sky peeking through the blinds and his arm around you. I would want that feeling forever, his chest moving up and down, his mouth open in deep sleep, like my own personal statue of beauty and everything I've ever wanted and more. When I wake up in his arms nothing else matters. Okay, now this daydreamer has to walk herself to the office and put the dreams and the day on hold. Daydream in your own time, the world will not stop for me and time waits for no man. I just want to get through this week of dreary work, I just want to have the courage to not wimp out and run from my problems. I'm starting this diary because I guess I start a lot of things that I feel like, but I really badly want to keep this one up. I don't even think it's made me feel better. More last minute planning tomorrow. I have a day out to a bohemian cocktail bar with my fiancé and best friend at the weekend - we're choosing wedding rings. I can't wait to be his wife, that's all I keep thinking, through all the drudge and ridiculous planning - I can't wait to be his wife. Write you later, Lo x
  2. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  3. well partially anyway. once again finding myself getting depresse over the situation. been about 6 months and its not getting any better for me. i do have plenty of good things goin for me right now, but it still isnt enough. its always the same, have a good day lots of fun, then time to sleep (its the time before i go to bed every night that hits me). anyway i always try to write some lyrics when i get like this...here is my latest song im working on. its not complete but im sure they way my state of mind and my feelings have been, it will be finished very soon. Abyss -------- As i lay here my mind is falling no end in sight for me i try to end this by letting it go (note: next 2 lines begin to progress to a heavy state, crowd should capture the rage, and hurt in the lyrics) but your still there lingering in the back of my mind (Pre-Chorus) I try to forget you Its all in the past but i cant make these feelings go away (Note: carry the notes of the words for a few seconds) (Chorus) WHY! (Note: Screaming) (Note: Melodic) I tried to give you everything you accepted it for so long but in the end there was something you found BETTER THAN ME!(Note: back to screaming)
  4. I recently met a guy and the first night we actually met up in person, we'd talked on the phone alot before hand.. the first time we hooked up we were so into each other that we ended up sleeping together. We talked about it before and after it happened but now I 'm a lillte worried that he won't ever be able to be serious about me. He assured me he'd done it the other way too many times and lost the girl anyhow. He was kind and caring afterwards and asked to see me again. Do you think he could really be into me or are all guys the same and just want sex? He genuinely seems keen, maybe its too early to tell.? I do tend to read too much into things...any suggestions on how to not stress and just ride with it..
  5. I found out last month that my husband had a year long affair with a women in another state. I found out this information from her 21 yr old daughter, who has been seeing my husband for the last 10 months. The daughter and my husband both say there wasn't anything sexual about their realtionship. But my husband did lie to me spend everyother weekend in Dec with this child, as well as spend money on her and her 4yr old child. My husband of 14 years is an over the road truck driver. He took the mother out on the road with him at least 5 or 6 times, and as he says "had sex" with her too many times to remember. He has been talking to the daughter multiple times a day since this past May, and even had pictures of her on his cell phone. He told me that he even offered to let her sleep in his truck (the one I pay for) with him one night after they went to a bar and it was really late and she didn't want to get in trouble. She still lives with her mom. He has tried for the last several weeks not to run in the area where they live, but that hasn't been sucessful. He says he hasn't called them or texted them on his phone, but I won't know until the bill comes out. He says because I am asking for reassurance about his commitment and love to me that I am pushing him away. We have made the commitment to stay together, but how do I get the images of him touching,kissing, making love to out of my mind? This is driving me crazy, I can't sleep, I am doing my job poorly and the kids are sufferring. I am seeing a thearpist, but he isn't. Please someone give me some advice on how to get these images out of my head. I want to stay with my husband.
  6. Hi im writing this to you to tell you i will always remember ever since the day you left this earth i see the shadow of your face at night when i am asleep i cant forget i cant forget those calls in the middle of night those things you said to keep going even in the red you never quit even when i did when i cry in the middle of the night i feel your hand upon your shoulder you tried so hard and when you disappeared i lost hope in everything i have no vision from the springs on my hands they close down but ill never get a firm grasp on things im ashamed of myself without you i feel lost you were not only my uncle but my best friend ill never forget.. even when im old and gray ill always remember those days ill never forget how you saved my grace i hurt so bad inside and misery owns my cells you gave me your watch and said even though your time was gone mine was still ticking but in memory of you i will keep pushing through agony, suicide, and the misery just for you... only for you
  7. He is always "too, tired or not in the mood" but this only happens Mon-Thur. Weekend nights and days are fine. His job forces him to walk between 8-10 miles a day, so I can understand that he is tired, and he gets off work at three then comes home and gets himself off at 3:30. So I think thats why by the time I am home from the gym, and have my daughter in bed, he is ready for sleep. Help any suggestions.
  8. Well, i've been seeing my ex a lot recently. Everytime we see each other we have sex...we didn't for about 6 months after the time we broke up and then one time it just happened...and it keeps on happening since then. But, lately the only times i've been seeing him have been on my 2 hr or 3 hr breaks from school. I don't like it because i feel like i'm just going there for sex, and i don't want him to feel that way and i don't like feeling that i'm only there for sex either. The thing is , i can't help it! We're not back together or anything, but i can't control myself and just love hanging out with him...and well, sleeping with him. We are both not seeing other ppl so i don't think it's wrong...or is it?? I just want to be able to do things more like on a FULL day instead of on my breaks...tomorrow he's supposed to call me and we might hang out...which i really hope it happens, cuz when i only see him for 2 hrs, have sex, and leave i feel really bad...what do you guys think about this? Am I just acting weird? I really like to spend time with him , and it's not like we NEVER do things on the weekend ...it's just we both have very busy lives and there's not always time...yet, i dislike the idea of seeing him ( and sleeping with him) on my breaks..............
  9. Hey people. I recently started taking antidepressants... they keep me up all hours of the night. I will sleep and sleep and sleep during the day - which when its light out is the time i am more productive and get stuff done. So, I stay up all night, feeling lonely, I hardly ever get any phone calls/emails and its kinda depressing. I know I should just "BE the one to call people" but I'm waiting for awhile to see if people will call me. Kind of as a test. Its not happening. I'm sure after a few days people will wonder about me and wonder if somethings wrong, in which case, I'll just pretend I'm not home and let my voice mail fill up until its full and then people can really worry. I try to think of ways to keep myself busy but by the time i'm home from work and all its 10:30, I won't get to bed until 3 am, and i'll sleep in. By 10:30 I just figure its too late to get any stuff done. By the time I get up, theres only an hour left before i have to get to work so still no time to get any stuff done. (By the way if anyone needs a good laugh - i discovered this tonight, link removed, funny website and passes the time just nicely) So... I'm missing this guy right now... I had a big crush on him, we dated a bit, it never went anywhere, we were friends, and now he doesnt' contact me anymore.. I'm really sad about that. I know i have to give up now but I really miss him... theres tons of guys that are trying to pick me up or ask me out for dates, but i can't get over my feelings for him, i know its stupid but i thought he was perfect and then i realized he wasn't and i just can't get over that... I'm so scared, I find myself thinking "well maybe I should date my good friend, cuz he is trying to pick me up" but I think the only reason i would have for dating him would be cuz he has a lot of $$ and would take care of me.. I know this is the wrong reasons and its getting in the way of my feelings. Sometimes I feel like everything would be better if I just ended my life, I wonder how long it would take them to find me..
  10. Hello. I have a new situation. This past week I spent four valuable days riding accross the U.S. on Amtrak. There was a bit of fate involved here...I was on a train I was not scheduled to ride, but my first train was delayed due to a tunnel fire. So I scrambled to catch a train in Sacramento, California. On board, I met a group of people also travelling out East. One by one, we all departed at various stops, but one of the group was with me until Syracuse, New York. He was a handsome, outgoing young man who was journeying home after being in California for a week. We didn't speak until Chicago, when we found out we were being transferred to the same train. We talked while we were waiting, and he seemed quite attentive to me,which brightened my day. When we finally boarded, we discovered we had to ride in separate cars due to our differing destinations. As I was herded away, he called out to me, "Meet me in the lounge!" An hour later I went to the lounge and found he had just arrived there,looking for me. We got some food and continued talking. Hours passed and we did not move from our seats. The attendant for my car saw our developing bond and gave us permission to sit in the lounge for the rest of our trip. All night we talked and laughed. My new friend begged me to get off the train with him in Syracuse. In fact, he asked me all night to come with him, but I had to refuse because I had set plans I couldn't break. He was very disappointed, but made me promise to visit him in Syracuse on my way back,which will be on the 29th. It is a crazy event for me,and I am not sure how he climbed into my heart, but he did. He let me sleep in his arms, and his embrace was a light, warm place....He told me this was love at first sight for him,that I was completely unique, that he wanted for me to "be his girl." He marvelled over how much we had in common, and told me he found me intelligent and alluring. I know it all seems so silly and unrealisitc, but I cannot help keeping him on my mind,wondering why he has not called. He told me he would call me last night to see if I arrived, but he did not. Again, my heart is on my sleeve. I was very cautious and did not reveal too much of my heart to him, but I wonder why he has not attempted to contact me. The entire time I was with him I scrutinized his actions to determine if he was being sincere. Maybe he was not, and I was just a few hours of diversion for him. Is this why he has not called? Perhaps men would rather enjoy a woman's company for a brief time, and just find relaxtion and pleasure in flirting heavily with a new girl? I do not know. He litterally pleaded all night for me to deboard the train and come with him. Just a ploy? He made me solemnly promise to visit him on my way back, and asked me to call him. Should I? I have been told that if a woman calls, a man quickly loses interest because there is no more challenge. I would like to call him (I feel in the mood for a romantic adventure, and this man has struck a chord in my being) but is this not advisable? I am always checking my phone in hopes that I will see he has called. Dear me, I am such a hopeless romantic. I need advice desperately...a man's point of view would help me greatly.
  11. This is my first post. I've know my friend for about 1 1/2 years now and when it first started we were just friends. But over time i started have more feelings for here. I kept the feelings inside for the longest time and one night it just slipped out and i told her how i felt about her. She told me that we can only be friends. It hurt my heart to know that she feels differently about me then how i feel about her. After a while we started sleeping in the same bed, not having sex or anything just sleeping with each other. We cuddle and get real close. I get confused though that she can do all of this but not have the same feelings as i do. I know that i shouldn't be doing this because it makes me fall in love with her even more, but i love doing it. I just don't know what to do.
  12. I don't really know how to put this into words ... but i'll try my best to do so. Recently i got to know this girl from my workplace (A ship) .... I never got to know her until one day .... we happened to stay overnight onboard because we had to work really early the next day. I usually leave my Guitar onboard ship for entertainment purposes. That night, we had a wonderful time together Singing songs at the upper deck. In the past, I hardly knew her nor noticed her presense. She is just one of the crew onboard our ship, just someone I barely talked to. After that night of Singspiration, our friendship flourished. Both of us are taking a part time Degree in a Uni. Hence everytime we sailed, we will use our free time to study together. She will always come to me to ask me to change my schedule to align with her's so that we can go on and off watch together. Everytime we were together, there is always something interesting to talk about ... something Funny happening. We will wait for each other during meal times .... meet to cook special delicacies before going on watch .... we basically see each other on and off watch. We talked every night. I feel really comfortable and happy being with her and I really hope that this friendship can be taken into the next level. But I really don't know what she thinks. Because from what I know, there are others who are close to her too. And the problem is, One of the Junior person in her department has this major Crash on her. And I believe he has taken action to go after her. Sometimes when we have to work late, she will send him back to his place as they both stay near each other. According to her, he would hang out at her place to watch T.V and stuff. His feelings for her is known throughout the ship. Knowing her as a Flamboyant, outgoing and sociable person .... she could easily get close to any guys onboard. I really want to tell her how i feel but I'm afraid of rejection. I don't know if she's treating me so well because I am a friend or because she is fond of me as well. She has many suiters, which means that i will either be just one of the guys who likes her, or be "The Guy" who likes her. Please advice. Thanks! PM more preferable. Just me
  13. I have been dating someone for the past 5 months. We've been through problems, fights, and everything regarding my past. Time and time again we get out of it. There was a time, 2 weeks after we met, when we weren't talking to each other. I went to a club that night adn slept over a guy's house(im gay and im a guy btw). I slept over "Jack"s place. We didn't do anything and I just needed a place to spend the night cuz the club closes at 3:00 a.m. I told "Kirk" this but, he doesnt believe me somehow he can't seem to let go till he has spoken or talked to Jack himself. I don't know where Jack is cuz he left the town and dont know any contact info on him. I was thinking of doing a "test" dump with kirk to see if he does love me. What do you guys think of this? What should i do? I just need input from different people
  14. My boyfriend was sleeping over the other night & we were trying to go to sleep, but we were just talking a little too. I don't remember what exactly we started talking about, but he told me that he was getting turned on by me. So I said something about how it must be uncomfortable since we trying to fall asleep & he said that it was ok because he needed to be hard/erect to be able to sleep anyway. Is this true of all guys? Maybe I just misunderstood him, but is it easier to go to sleep when you are erect?
  15. i find myself home on this friday night first time in many years i met this girl 1 year ago and we broke up 3 weeks ago shes all over the board we still talk even though she alreay meet a guy 3 weeks ago and is already sleeping with him on wednesday we went to the beach and hade a couple of drinks and thats when i found out i really dont care shes sleeping with another kid i still want her back because she is so perfect for me its to bad she had to leave before i figurred that out i really want her back when we were together we were perfect except for the ocassinal jelousy fits i would have about fone calls and such anyway i asked her at lest 10 times that if she broke up with the new kid would she give me another chance and every time she said yes she said we will try to remain friends but i am having trouble getting time to spend with her because she is spending alot of time with her new man we talk on the phone olmost every day i think i am doing most of the calling and we have been out twice since the break up i have visted her about 6 other times half ended in fights crying on bolth sides and then mutal agrements to stay in touch i am 19 and she is 18 in a couple of months she starts school again in 2 days and i asked pick her up from work sunday so i could see her before she goes back any way i will wait along time for this girl even though she hurt me so much for another chance because i love her so much it has been preaty rocky but now the break up seems alittle eaiser i was just woundering if any one has ever been able to convince there ex that they have changed and to give them another chance even though the ex has already filled there time with another kid and how they did it? also if anyone has ever been in a sitiation like myself and how did it pan out? any commets or suggetions would be greatly appreatioted
  16. My roomate and I are from the same town and recently moved to L.A. He has SERIOUS trust issues (as he used to be an exotic male dancer for 10 years....and, well...to say that least....HAS SEEN IT ALL!) I recently slept with him and he likes me and I like him, but he is still seeing people (as we agreed on) but I'm caught on what the heck to do! It's almost sadistic in a way, b/c anytime I've EVER slept with anyone, it has ALWAYS (and never been any different) been a relationship. He's coming around, and knows that I'm a good person and if anything...LOYAL! I havne't been out with anyone for 5 months AND HE SEES THIS! His going out with other women have decreased, he wants to come home more and more, but I don't know.... He has offered me to join him on a cruise over the holiday season, and has MANY women that he could have taken! What's up with *THAT?* Am I insane? Help.
  17. argh... this is really mind boggling... i need help guys. If u read my previous posts abt my ex-gf ... well, this is wats been happening to me these few days : I decided that i was wasting my time trying to be friends with her, since she seems so happy with her life now (and that annoying guy ive mentioned in my previous post) . I couldnt take it . I was too hurt to try. Last monday , i got a text message from her.. she mistakenly sent it to me. It was like this : A,A.. Im having a big problem here... Y he keeps appearing in my head? EVery morning i wake up i would surely think of him first ,before i sleep,think of him again! Sometimes i wanna talk to him but i dare not even step close to him... U asked me to forget him , i cant do that, what am i supposed to do? I still dont know y i left him? A, help me... A is her best friend. So i called her that night , we talked on the phone for a couple of hours... she cried at a certain point. I did too... We talked about what used to happen, what is it that we dislike..and so on. I couldnt sleep that night, and i called her again(around 2.30 am). There was a point in the conversation where i said that i really liked her. She cried and said that that was wat she wanted to hear from the beginning. So we met today . We talked again. It ended up well.. she said that she would do anything to see me happy (we were talking about a friendship). THEN, i held her hand and asked her if that was wat she really wanted. Tears filled up her eyes.. Bottom line is , we both said we wanted each other. We made up. It felt really good... Now to the prob : 1) Im not sure if this will work out because i dunno if the same probs are gonna happen. I cant accept another heartbreak, as i was already real depressed coz of her. 2) My parents knew abt our fights, and so does hers... I dun think they would agree to us being together again (especially since my parents saw me being so down and depressed..they even suggested me changing schools) 3) Im really confused because she's always giving me mixed signals..i do admit that i like her so much, but she's the kind of person who would make u angry(most probably deliberately) at one time, happy at one time and so on... I dont know if she's genuine. Even if all turns out well, we would have a hard time just being together. We both agreed that we will discuss abt our r.ship tomorrow in school. Maybe i could get my mind cleared by then... I just need other ppl's opinion on this. Thx .
  18. She changes Like the summer sun Becomes a bleak winter haze. And her smile Does fall and fade Before the day is through. Standing at the fork With decisions and opportunities Her eyes do falter And hope to find rest. A head full of silence Which echoes through and through Giving her no peace. Lulled to sleep by tears, Woken by regret and fear. Just another sunrise Over fields of sunflower And meadows of despair. Lost like a child In her own desolate mind Where she shall find no comfort. Their arms bring nothing Not even protection, From the harsh wind that blows. Alone on the streets She wanders like the plague Though no one will save her. In the distance But yet so close, Two steel eyes stare down Her empty throat. The path of righteousness Has been crossed And left for better days. Tonight is the road of luck. A swift tug As she blinks and waits. But nothing comes from this. Hysterical and angered, She falls backward into the abyss Where no one is listening.
  19. Well theres this girl that I like alot and I am tring to figure out if she is falling for me or if this is all nothing...... she is my best friends upstairs neighbor in his 3 apt complex (hes in basment she is 1st floor) and we ended up meeting her about 3 months ago when they all moved in there. I didn't hang to much with my friend and his neighbor they drank like everyday.......so I joined in with their drinking all the time and I got to drunk one time and my friend got mad cause she kept giving me shots so he ordered me to sleep upstairs in her appt. nothing happened we slept like 4 feet apart lol...... then days progressed and I started spending nights there and end up staying there the next few days each time sleeping and cuddling with her....... I sleep there alot..... we kiss ALOT when were drunk and we have had sex 3 times 2 times with a decent ammount of drinks and 1 time pretty legit not many drinks....... We have never had sex when not drinking but that may be because we are both very shy (I am alittle more) we kiss sometimes when were 100% legit but not to often like when were drunk....... but she invited me to stay the past few nights where there were no alcohol at all so I dunno.... we talk about having a relationship and she dont think it would work cause she is 23 and I am 18 and she has 2 kids.... last night she had 2 dreams about me also when she awoke she told me them right away...... I dont know where she is going from here I dont know her intentions she is allmost divorced (there separated now). Thanks
  20. I have posted a few time after going through hell with my bf for 3yrs we broke up a few days ago. He gave me no reasons told me he was over it and that he didnt love me and hasnt for a long time. He was very distant when i asked why he jus dismissed me. So i thought i had better not make a fool of myself and went on my merry way. Needless to say it feels like i have been crying for three days i have forgotten what food is and when sleep does finally come i dream of him. Anyway he rang me yesterday on a private number and said that he is sorry and the reason he broke up with me was because he could never marry me anyway (he is muslim and i am christian) and he was making up excuses to make me let go. This hurt me even more because he dragged me along for so long so i politely excused myself from the conversation and am hoping he doesnt cause any trouble for me. Im finding it so hard after 3yrs of being togther every day to nothing. I kno i am better off without him, he cheated on me, he called me names and he was abusive. But i got so used to hanging out for any scrap of affection i became more attatched. How do i stop crying and move on with life and forget about him?
  21. We parted ways nearly 3 months ago and I never got closure from him whatsoever. He took the easy way out and this has been very hard for me to move on from because I never knew WHY. I would like opinions as to what may have happened on his end (guys, feel free to comment) as well as thoughts on what I may have done wrong. Sorry it is so long I met my ex here in my hometown and we were both out at a club celebrating our birthdays, which fall 2 days apart from each other. He seemed very shy to me, and only met by chance due to my sister talking to one of his friends. We started talking and hit it off really well. After the club we all went over to his apartment and hung out for awhile and I gave him my number. He called the next day and set up a real date. Things were going really well, he was an absolute sweetheart to me. Always called when he said he would, was never late, and began talking about our future pretty early on in the relationship. He would tell me he wasn't a ladies man, and he couldn't believe I would talk to him, he even told me he thought he wasn't attractive. He told me he was falling for me very hard and even told his mom about me. His mom suggested we get holiday pictures taken to send to family members. He talked about finally finding me, where was I the whole time he was in my hometown (he is in the army), even mentioned marriage and kids. Now I thought that was a little early..I remember thinking that at the time, but ate it all up, he literally swept me off of my feet. He brought flowers to me once a week..Then he told me the bad news, that he had to be transferred to another state, and he had just found out and it was all short notice. I was devastated to hear the news. I thought, just when I find a great guy, I lose him..but he asked me if I would consider moving to be with him, not right away, but in a few months. I told him I would consider it, I wanted to get out of my hometown for so long, I saw it as a great opportunity. Around this time is when I know I made my first mistake with him. He was over at my apt and made a snide remark and I got a little huffy about it. He told me he was going to leave my apt..I said fine. Well, I didn't hear from him after that for nearly 3 days. I was confused, tried calling, always got the machine..even went over to his place and he wouldn't answer the door. I thought he was just not going to talk to me anymore, and that hurt me. So then I get a hold of him and I ask why he hasn't called, he just said he has been sleeping this entire time! Can you believe that. Sleeping? Nice excuse! He said he wanted to continue the relationship, by this point I'm sucked in hard and I stay. Right before he left for Oklahoma, he stayed in my apt for 2 weeks and we got along very very well. He was never verbally abusive to me. He has never called me a name. Then he leaves, and we talk on the phone every day until he was scheduled to fly out to Iraq. The day he was leaving for Iraq, he all of a sudden became very defensive towards me on the phone, saying I was making him feel guilty for going to Iraq. I had no idea why he said that..I was just telling him how much I was going to miss him, not talking to him for weeks, etc..He actually hung up on me! that little spat he had confused me so much because I didn't feel I was saying anything to make him feel guilty. Anyway, we did talk again, and everything was still a go for me to move down there. He was really good to me, sending me some money to pay for half the plane ticket when I visited him down there first), he seemed like a honest to good, genuine guy to me. I thought for sure I finally found one worth keeping around! So I sold my furniture, quit my job, lost my apt, and sold my car to move there. I didn't move until July, so it was a good 7 months after he had left. It took a lot of planning. I also paid the movers a large sum of money to ship my items down there. When things were good, they were really good, the first month was really good, then things started to change. Two weeks after I got there, we had our first argument..I hadn't sold my car yet and the plan was to buy a car there and get a job, which I needed to sell my car to get money for the new car. 2 weeks in, I notice he never wanted to go out and do anything, and he slept ALOT. I ask him we should go do something and he just says he's tired from work, and that if I'm bored maybe I should get off my rear and get a job! Then he would ignore me. So I get a car, and try to get a job, 12 resumes out to my area of "expertise" and get only one job offer, during which time we get into a fight. This time it's about how much time he spends on the internet. It was all he did. We did go out to eat/movies on the weekends, but after work, he eats dinner (which I always cook - funny he liked to cook for me BEFORE I moved!), and gets online for the rest of the night. So then he gives me the silent treatment for 2 days and at this point I'm frustrated and I want to go home (I had also found out he was frequenting a website that involved webcams and chatting...need I say more) He realizes I am serious and asks for a 2nd chance..I love him so much that is almost what I wanted him to do. We have separate computers, and he has read my msn chat logs and I had talked to my sister about him on there...and that was what caused the first fight, because I made him look bad to her.. That maybe was a mistake on my part but i was venting and had nobody else to talk to. So I didn't take the job offer because I thought I was leaving. He now p-word protects his computer but still reads my msn chat logs whenever he wants (when I'm sleeping). Just made me think he was doing something he shouldn't be EVEN MORE. So then things get set pretty much in a routine..he started having "headaches" alot and soon the sex was becoming less frequent..like maybe twice a week at most..when before it was, well..much more often. He even said I am like a guy! I want sex too much! haha yeah right. If only I knew. It was also becoming a scheduled event..only when he wanted to, and only right before bed. We stopped really talking about anything significant..his talk about marriage/kids disappeared completely and he never introduced any of his friends to me..though since he moved he didn't have many there...but one of them came over once unexpected and my ex left the apt and talked to him outside. The last few weeks I was there he began really pulling away from me..Always on the internet, too tired to do anything else..always in a bad mood complaining about work. I began thinking..this has turned into something I don't want to be a part of. So negative all the time, started snapping at me for no reason (for wanting to pet my cat?) and just seemed like a real drag to be around. I started having second thoughts, though I really loved him a lot, I just really didn't see this heading to marriage. Still I held on, hoping my knight in shining armour would come back. Suddenly all the things he liked (that I liked early on in the relationship..imagine that) he started to hate. The final straw was when I walked in and saw him chatting w/ one of his friends about a girl, all i saw was her username and he had aksed if he met her yet. Well, my ex frequents this message board online that I never understood in the first place, so I never went there before..but I did now..I was curious what he was doing with all that online time. Well I found out plenty. I made an account there and read a majority of his posts and found out about that girl, talked to her and she told me an earful. He had asked her out just the week before..and offered to take her to a concert. He made sexual comments to her on a regular basis. I also found from a mutual online friend that he talked about women in a degrading fashion all of the time and he had told this person also that he felt him and I had nothing in common! Since I couldn't get a job, I took out unemployment, he said this was fine w/ him, and had no problem w/ it..when he actually DID. So this all came out in the open about the girl he was talking to, he came home late from work (really late) and said "I spose you're mad at me"..I hadn't brought it up yet. I was upset because he spent our 1 year anniversary on his forum talking to HER. Let me also say I hated not having a job and it was driving me nuts being home all day. He then tells me she was just a friend, he said he asked her to the concert because he knew I wouldn't go (thought I didn't like the band) and she had no other way of going than for him to pay for it! Just a friend..well..she lived in the next town over...30 minutes away. and his public posts to her kept asking "when are you coming over"...and "do you wanna be my present for my birthday"...this hurt me a lot..so much I wanted to just leave...and leave I did. I never got an apology, he didn't try to stop me, he was so indifferent about the whole thing..moving back 4000 miles, it took me time (5 days) to get it all said and done, and he never tried to talk to me. I tried to talk to him, wanted to work it out..and he just said "what's the point, it's over". I felt he never really tried at all to keep our relationship together whatsoever. It was like..easy come, easy go...like he could care less. This really bothers me a lot because I invested so much into this relationship, and I couldnt' believe he just gave up so easily. He made alot of promises he didn't keep, I caught him in a lot of lies, and it seemed he would rather be online than have anything to do w/ me. I know he looked at online porn..alot..but I figured all guys do that. But he did it ALOT. He lost interest in me. He'd rather be online that be w/ a real person. that was what I was feeling. He made me feel so worthless. I have tried to contact him (I know...bad) and he still won't tell me what he thinks happened to us from his point of view. He always turned the blame to me...he was always innocent..and I think he actually believed the lies he would tell me. so why did I love him so much? I loved who I thought he was. The person I met in the beginning..and it was NOT the real him. In fact, the posts I read from his forum, he seemed like a vulgar, outgoing, outspoken, sex-driven jerk..the opposite of what I was attracted to him for. I 'm sorry so long, I just am seeking answers that I know he won't give me, and I've given up on him totally..no contact. My only other long-term relationship was my high school sweetheart, which lasted 7 years, I had never had a guy treat me this way before. He had promised to send a few things I had that were still en route (my birthday gift from my friend) and then sends me nasty emails saying I abandoned my things when I left. I am emotionally drained, and tired of these thoughts that take over and won't stop. I just want to get over this and move on. thanks for listening, feel free to offer any suggestions or ideas, thoughts, etc.
  22. I believe everyone has at one time or another heard the saying "follow your gut instincts they are generally right". Well mine is telling me that even though me and my guy are in what I'd like to affectinately call the "rekindling period" of a near break up I suspect he sleeping with someone. Not running to a motel, hotel or her bedroom but rather bringing her now to the bed we currently share that is MINE. My guy is a creature of habit. Once he establishes a routine he sticks to it faithfully. Ive lived with him for 3yrs now to know. Well about a week ago he asked me when was I going to remove the fancy white lace gown that I had bought on a shopping trip with my girlfriend during our "break up period". I had purposely hung it on my curtain rod to show it off since he never saw me in it nor have I ever worn it for him yet. I had hoped he'd push me to wear it for him showing an avid sexual interest in me and attraction which has been very lacking in our relationship but he did neither. I thought it odd he'd request I remove it from view or when was I going to hang it in the closet. I stated I had no intentions I liked it where it was and enjoyed looking at it, it was pretty and subject was closed. But then just this week I came home from working nights to find a thick wash cloth hanging in the shower. Now, I knew instantly my guy never uses a washcloth when showering so I was curious as to why it was there in the first place. I thought perhaps he had pleasured himself with his hands while I was at work since we rarely share any initmate moments anymore together except the occasional scheduled "hurry lets do this" "was it good for you baby" sex one time around on Saturday nights if Im lucky. I thought perhaps he cleaned himself up and then went to bed. So thinking that was the order of things I got so tickled at it I began to giggle. I found the whole idea humorous. He was awake as I made my way in the bed and I fished for anwsers to the washcloth mystery. My curiosity was growing and I wanted to know why it was there in the first place since he was not known to ever use one in the shower before. In the past when we got all frisky he would just hang it over the sink and give it a bath under the running water. Wipe dry and head to bed. So why was he using a washcloth I mused. We rarely share in any intimacy anymore he claims its because he is getting old and its not like when he was in his 20's. (he's only 34) I know older men still rocking the headboard at 50 so the newest excuse is that Im never home at night when he is horny. (once again blamed for the mishaps of communication) He told me he had used it to wash his face before going to bed for it felt greasey. I calmly stated the he took a shower before going to bed so his face generally gets washed then. Since he smokes more I wont let him in my bed on clean sheet without showering so even then his face is cleaned and almost never does he use a washcloth. So what prompted him to start now I was wondering?. Like striking a match he got hostile and mad and raised his voice to me several times this in turn sent alarms ringing off in my head "what's with the anger? I had asked an innocent question why was he so defensive now?. About 30mins later while he got ready for work I confronted him for the truth and came right out and asked him "are you sleeping around" "were you having sex with another woman" "were you bringing her to MY bed" Suddenly he got loud and short with me again and this time said he used the washcloth to clean his ears???? Did he not but 30mins ago say it was his face because it was greasey?!. Then he lowered his voice and began telling me I was stupid for thinking such sh--. I was making an issue out of this it was crazy and Im making a mountain out of a mole hill and he is not sleeping around on me. He certainly would not bring a woman to "our" bed (actually its my bed) for it would mess with his head and he is not a very good liar. That he'd fear too much he'd get caught trying and it was not worth it. This all sounded reasonable but something was still not... right. Then I calmly strolled into the bathroom removed the wet washcloth from the back of the toilet where it had lain and picking it up by one wet corner waltzed in to the room where he was. He roared "what are you doing now?" I calmly stated that if he was indeed merely washing a greasey face and it was not in fact used to clean up between a womans legs following sex then I wanted to see him wipe his face again...He stood there motionless and adamantly refused to do it..hmmmmmmm!?! So what do you all think? I think it stands to show he is sleeping around on me. How would you cope with this idea if your were me.
  23. Hi! I`m not rainbow, I`m a friend of hers. She's letting me use her login, the lovely person she is! I've been with my bf 4 months now. We have our ups and our downs, but all in all were happy. I've never felt so comfortable with any of my bf. It means I can be myself and off course the physical side is not scary, embarrassing or anything like that. Every time were together I wanna have sex (Im a virgin) with him cos it feels so right, but the thing stopping me is what if he's not the one, what if he does`nt love me, what if I regret this.........I want to (I even went on the pill), but all these things are stopping me. I kinda feel I want to wait till marraige cos then I have a relationship that has more chance of lasting, but then again I dont want to wait. Are my doubts gonna go away or shall I take the risk if it feels right? I just dont wanna regret this in 2 years time after we break up and I meet some1 else, some1 better. I may not meet some1 better! O god I just dont know. Help!
  24. .I am the proud father of a newbary baby girl, she is 3 weeks old today. She will take great naps during the day, however, she has to be held by either myself or my wife, 5 min's after we put her down, she'll wake up and fuss and as soon as we pick her up, right back to sleep. This is starting to carry over at night, too. we have a co-sleeper which she will sleep for an hour or two in, but once she wakes up to eat, she'll fall back asleep but once we put her back in the co-sleeper she wines and cries and morning comes and there she is, in our bed sleeping in her boppy. Anyone have any advice as to how we can get our little girl to sleep on her own? My sister in law had the same problem with her son, and he's now 14 months old and still sleeping in between mom and dad!!! I don't want that to be me!!
  25. Hey enotalone, today when I was at my buddies house, hand his brother fired off two rounds of his Dad's beretta and it was quite loud. It wasn't stock in that respect and it was louder than should be. But anyways ever since they were fired, I have a very loud ringing in my left ear that doesnt seem to go away since it started at around 4 this afternoon. Im thinking I'll sleep it off and see what happens and if stays bad I will see about seeing a doctor, but has this ever happened to anyone and if so was there anyway to help it other than louder sounds? Thanks
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