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About Me

  1. If you could have any one super power, what would it be? Mine would be the ability to stop time. Isn't that the one thing I always hear myself saying, thinking, feeling? If only I had more time. Isn't that the wish on everyone's tongue tip? So okay, new found power, say you happen, I know the moral of the day is that I'll end up wasting you on trivial s**t, but sometimes I just need to gather my thoughts and collect myself. Life is fast and it only seems to be getting faster. One day I was 16 and all I could think about was the endless currency of precious time I had to spend. It was so undervalued. I'd do nothing with it. Spend it in bed, spend it online, spend it daydreaming. The only thing that's changed is the first part - hello new early riser - goodbye I've got forever so let's just chill and things will happen next year. Now I wake up 24 having to think if I'm actually well into my twenties or just getting started so I still have the excuse of 'but I'm young!' I'm getting married in two and a bit weeks time, things are changing but I feel the same. I need more time! More time to plan, more time to get myself sorted, more time to figure out what I want and need to do before it's too late, before I say I went to sleep 24, newly wed and woke up 36 and aching with the feeling - I could of done so much more, if only I had more time. If I could use my magic power only once, it would be for the most selfish reason. I would pause time whilst D holds me. Those moments where you wake up on Sunday morning to cool sheets, drizzly weather, grey sky peeking through the blinds and his arm around you. I would want that feeling forever, his chest moving up and down, his mouth open in deep sleep, like my own personal statue of beauty and everything I've ever wanted and more. When I wake up in his arms nothing else matters. Okay, now this daydreamer has to walk herself to the office and put the dreams and the day on hold. Daydream in your own time, the world will not stop for me and time waits for no man. I just want to get through this week of dreary work, I just want to have the courage to not wimp out and run from my problems. I'm starting this diary because I guess I start a lot of things that I feel like, but I really badly want to keep this one up. I don't even think it's made me feel better. More last minute planning tomorrow. I have a day out to a bohemian cocktail bar with my fiancé and best friend at the weekend - we're choosing wedding rings. I can't wait to be his wife, that's all I keep thinking, through all the drudge and ridiculous planning - I can't wait to be his wife. Write you later, Lo x
  2. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  3. So my husband I have been married for over 13 yrs, and we just finally finished growing our family (had the amount of kids we wanted), and now I think (?) it's finally time for me to think about the future, not that I haven't been, it's just that I've been so incredibly sleep deprived or wrapped up in parenting that it's kind of been on the back burner... literally the last thing on my mind. I just had our 4th baby almost 8 months ago, and with all the COVID stuff, it's been hard, but not undoable. I don't have any help with the baby or managing my kids, outside of my husband (and he does help!), but he also works and sometimes is required to work overtime... so there were literally days with 15 hours of me being with the kids all alone, not having any break. The sleep deprivation was unlike anything I've experienced before. It's been insanely hard, but thank God we've gotten through it ok. Baby still isn't sleeping through the night, sometimes will wake up as much as 5 times (!!) but it *should* get better, I mean he's our 4th so I know how this goes... it eventually gets a little easier. It's so hilarious to us that we wanted 4 so badly, and now that we've added that 4th baby, it actually feels like we suddenly have 10 kids! LOL We have moments where we look at each other and laugh and are like, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!" It always seems like multiple kids are needing something done - ALL at the same time! And there's only two of us, so even when he IS here, it's just insane! I used to have an anxiety problem, and unfortunately even though it was gone for years due to just managing it well, it's come back full force with the post partum hormones plus trying to stay on top of everyone's needs. I don't really take care of myself as well, but it's kind of necessisary right now because kids' needs sometimes need to be met immediately (food/potty issues, diapers). I don't want to be put on meds for anxiety ... So it's kind of awful trying to see if I can self-manage again, and yet not having any help with the baby due to the COVID restrictions (even my parents are terrified because my husband is constantly potentially exposed). Self-managing anxiety when you're doing everything constantly is hard. It's hard to even write this journal and I've been interrupted several times LOL!!! If anyone has any ideas on trying to find a life balance with kids, after you've maybe lost yourself some (or a lot probably lol) that would be so appreciated. I do feel like I've lost myself a bit. But I barely even have time to go to the restroom (and showers are even harder to come by LOL). How can you find time for hobbies again, when I can barely even use the restroom Maybe I need to accept now just isnt the time?
  4. On thursday last week I hooked up with a guy I have been flirting with for a while. I already knew he was not into a serious relationship and I was very aware of what I was doing. I have been single for over a year now, with no physical contact with anyone what so ever. I'm only 21 years old, and when I got the opportunity to sleep with him I just grabbet it, with full knowledge of what i got myself into. So when I got there, his and mine intentions was clear. We also talked about it abit before it happened. It was really nice, and I'm happy that I finally broke my over one year "break" from sex. He is also a guy I somewhat trust, that is why I did it with him. I do not want to sleep with anyone random. We have known eachother for half a year now, and will without a doubt meet eachother several times in the future. I know this because we work together (part time). And yes, I know what you think, you should NEVER sleep with someone you work with. But it's not that big of a deal, and I made a choise, so did he. And that's not a problem, in my opinion. Before we had sex we did not talk with eachother all the time, we did not have an instant connection emotionally. We had fun together and definivly had a physical attraction towards eachother. So I always knew that this is not someone I imagine forming a romantic relationship with. Yes, I do like him, but I know the differense between lust and love. And this is lust. So my point is.. I want to sleep with him again. I want to have a casual relationship with him, friends with benefits. But after we had sex I have heared almost nothing from him (I have sent a few snaps, but just casual). But then again, we did not talk all the time before either. It's only been a few days, but I don't know what to expect. I suspect he is scared that I have developed feelings for him, but I know I did not do anything wrong. I know it's typical for a guy to pull away when you have sex, and that most likely it has nothing to do with me. But I want to be with him again, I really had fun. And I know the risk - I know the feelings can develop, but then I will just end it. I'm young and I want to have fun. What should I do..? Should I just forget it and move on with my life? Should I just wait and see what happens? I really don't know because this is the first time for me. I have only been in a long serious relationship before. Sorry about the errors.
  5. I am a healthcare professional who occasionally needs to take on-call emergency duty (about one week a month) for work. My job can be stressful and can be difficult to leave at work. I have a wonderful and kind husband who works very hard at his job six days a week. We both work a lot and our lives honestly feel very in sync, which I think we both love. On the weekends I need to take call (again, once a month) he’s sometimes eager to blow off steam on the Saturday night (he’s off Sunday). Since I’m often preoccupied with work (often home, but sometimes in and out, but again preoccupied) he will sometimes decide to get very drunk. I’ll go to bed and he’ll stay up and listen to music (on headphones), clean (sometimes loudly), and go to bed about two hours after me. I normally adore sleeping next to him but on these nights he’ll stink of alcohol, he’ll snore, he’ll take up the bed, etc. I hate when this happens primarily because it affects my sleep but I wouldn’t want to sleep without him. I think the restrictions of covid have made him treasure this time to reflect, get drunk, and be happy. He works very hard and is an absolutely lovely person, but I hate when he does this. I’ve told him it makes me very upset for reasons that are hard to articulate. I want to get my feelings out there instead of harboring them. In some ways I just want what I want, especially when I’m stressed and work is demanding of me, but I do wonder if I’m unfair trying to “control” this time of his. I just don’t understand why he needs to get so drunk by himself once every 4-8 weeks when he could just be spending the quiet time that I have with me. Thoughts?
  6. Just an update... I'm finally starting to feel that relief I so desperately wanted to feel, that I left a marriage that was hurting me and that I did the right thing for myself and my future. I don't feel it all the time, but it comes to me in waves and I know I don't feel as despaired as I did a few weeks ago. I'm back at work, I don't feel guilty about leaving, there are good things. I'm trying not to feel mad at myself or guilty about staying so long and putting up with things... it's a hard thing to cope with. I let someone mistreat me for so long... I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything. I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.
  7. Hi I've requested advise off this site before and it hasn't half helped. So I'm asking a question for my friend. He said that his girlfriend told him.... "We had a school reunion a while back, I didn't go but word got back to me that I was the one that all the lads wanted to sleep with" Now my immediate reaction to that to my friend is she's full of herself and has a very high opinion of herself. But he is infatuated with her so I said I'd post and ask for third party advice. I think if it was me I would end it as she comes across as one that needs validating feeding her ego and that my friend should be privileged that he has this girl that all the lads want to sleep with. Even if it was true, I don't think in a "normal" conversation or context that should ever be said to your partner. His question basically is why would she say that? Thanks for your advice.
  8. I know this is a long post. I’ll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesn’t want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didn’t read.) I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing. So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die." Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. She’s kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people. Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep. So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep. I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of. Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her. I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said don’t worry about my crazy ass while you’re at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. I’m kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didn’t want her to see me this way. I still haven’t decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said it’s not anything she can’t handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either. I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesn’t take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy. Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. I’m here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading. TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.
  9. I have been married almost 2 years. I won't lie. I am not happy at all. He is not the same person he was when we were dating. I knew we shouldn't have gotten married but did it anyway because of pressure from him. I know I am a fool. But he has changed so much that he is not the same person at all from when we got together. He literally is Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He cannot hold a job down for longer than a month or two then sits on his ass for months at a time claiming he's "looking" for work. He's been at his current job for four months only because he's working with family. And right now he's wanting to quit!! I can't handle being the only bread winner again! He has had multiple jobs in the few years we've been together that I've lost count! He wants me to wear lingerie and corsets and I have no interest or desire to wear them at all. I am 40 years old (he's younger than me) and I will wear a piece of lingerie once in awhile if its tasteful but he wants me to wear stuff that is just skanky! Sorry but no. I will not do that at all. He's constantly looking at this stuff online and it grosses me out. He also has some fetishes that I cannot get on board with. He loves to wear women's underwear and clothes. Whenever he wears them its grosses me out and I've told him this but he does not care. He has stolen my own underwear and worn them. I was not happy about that. I have to count my underwear almost daily to make sure they're all there. He also wants to wear corsets himself. He also shaves all the body hair he can because he doesn't like it. I personally like the body hair and have said so. I find it unattractive that he does this. He never did any of this when we were dating! It has ruined our sex life so bad. We very rarely do it anymore because of these things. I want to be married to a man. Not a woman. He's constantly on his phone. Usually on Facebook or whatnot. He always has his phone in his hands. I've asked him to get off it and he gets off it for a few minutes then right back on Facebook!!! How can a person spend so much time on there? He watches the dumbest videos as well! I think spending time with your wife and family is more important than Facebook. He also snores so horribly loud that it interferes with my sleep almost nightly. I have asked him to go see a sleep doctor to see if there is something they can do to stop it. He has refused. He says all they'll do is give him a CPAP and he does not want that. He says how dare I ask him to do this. That I need to compromise and just let him be. That he never gets sleep. He doesnt get sleep because he snores so bad!!! All I've done in this marriage is compromise. He has done nothing to compromise. I've worked when he's sat on his ass watching TV. I've paid all the bills while he's done nothing. I've made sure his kids and himself had Christmas while I got nothing. I could go on. Even his family has told me secretly that they don't know how I've gone on this long with him. My kids do not like him anymore as he treats them badly. They stay away from him as much as possible and I don't blame them. We argue quite frequently and when it gets bad it makes my kids cry. They do not like to see us argue. And my kids are teenagers. He loves to twist my words and use them against me. He doesn't trust me at all and I've never done anything to lose that trust. I have been by his side thru a lot of stuff. Yet I have no trust from him. I do not get it at all. Are these valid reasons to leave him? He won't change anything. And asking him to starts a fight. I can't handle anymore fights. There are a lot more reasons than I am listing here as well. These are just the main ones. I am just at the end of my rope and can't handle much more!!
  10. I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago. For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping. I asked him to never contact me again and was heartbroken. I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong, he now says my behaiour has ruined our friendship. To add to this he said I had betrayed his trust as I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me. Just feeling very lost and confused :(
  11. I am asking for peoples opinion about what happened to my relationship to help me heal. Sorry for the grammar and its sorta a long story. I met a lovely lady on a dating app called plenty of fish in February. At the time i was living with my baby mamma because my name was on the lease and i knew she couldn't pay it herself, but there was no feelings there. so we met up hit it off on the first date like i knew her for a long time. since this was the time covid was going on we met at a park and within the same week we met again at her house. i knew she wanted to sleep with me but i am not the type of guy to want to do it right away i like to build something not sleep with strangers or one night stands. and it was weird i would have to go after 6pm after her dad was a sleep so she could sneak me off to the side. after a couple times seeing her we slept together and after that it was great we would spend every minute together and as time went on i would eventually sleep over and met her dad and she met my family. all was great till my lease was about to be up with the baby mamma and i decided to leave early and pay for the last month. and i got depressed as i didn't know what was gonna happen between me and my daughter. i was gonna go from seeing her everyday to every other week and didn't know what the future was gonna bring. and this lady amy i was seeing knew this i talked to her about it. i started getting distant not really sleeping over anymore and telling her because of my kid. I had the most idiotic idea in my life. i thought if i go back to my baby mamma i could see my kid everyday and i know what the future would bring as far as my kid goes. so i left amy told her we weren't compatible because wasn't man enough to tell her the truth. and got with my ex only for my kid but after 3 days i couldn't do it i couldn't string this women along not knowing if one day ill have feelings again. we split and left amy and my ex alone for a week and i started missing amy and all the memories we had and how well we got along. sure we had fights but who doesn't. so i contact amy and ask her to meet up with me and she agrees. we make plans to go eat sushi few days later and she asks me why i wanted to meet up and tell her i wanted to get back with her and told her why i left in the first place and she said she was mad at me and she had to do something that day and we went our ways at met up later and talked more and she told me she was seeing someone after we broke up. and that the guy knew a family friend who died recently. so she told me she needs to decide if she wants to be with me or not. so like 3 days go by and we meet up again to talk more about getting back together and it seemed like no matter what i said she would say something to make it seem like it was best for us not to get back together. I told her i would take it slowly as she wants. so we hug and make out and she leaves to her house and i go to mine and i send her a text like 20 mins later and she doesn't reply and i got a gut feeling that i knew from once before and could not shake. i decide to drive by her house and i see a truck that doesn't belong there. i know because i would sleep over and hang out with her during all my free time i knew what cars belong. it was parked where i would park.and a couple days before hand she told me she wanted to send me a text late at night saying to come over and cuddle with her but she didn't. so i decide to knock on her window because i didn't want to wake her dad up. and she comes out and i ask her if she wants to cuddle and she says no. and i ask her even for like 30 mins and she says no. no matter what i said she said no and told me to leave and she would text me the next day. so i let it be and she didn't contact me in this time she had me blocked on messenger for like 3 days then unblocked me and i couldn't stand seeing her icon on my messenger saying when she was on so i deleted my facebook. I didn't really use it anyway. so she sends me a long text saying that i scared her by knocking on the window and now she has nightmares of someone going through the window. i apologized and i her told her i knew she was with someone that night and she admitted it and told me it was a yes on getting back together and then after showing up to her house and catching her with someone else it was a no on getting back together. so i asked her what was the point on texting me and said there wasn't one and i asked her to leave me alone and she told me to leave her alone which i did she texted me. last message said " i wish things were different. i'd love to keep you in my life but i can't" and i wonder why not? She texted me all this in one day while still seeing the other guy. My problem is i can't just get over her. it was dumb for to think of going back to baby momma for my daughter even though there was no feelings there. i was just in a tough time going through change and thinking of what will happen in the future with my kid. doesn't help either that she moved on way to quick. i am not sure if it matters but before be she said she slept around a lot to help get over her first ex. It doesn't matter to me what she did when we split but when we started talking about getting back together and it was a yes and 10 mins later she sleeping with someone. confuses me and wont let me heal. its been about 3 weeks and i just can't seem to get any better some days i want to reach out to her. but i think of what happened and think i should let it be. I just want to hear your guys opinion as it helps me heal even if its the harsh truth.
  12. Hello. I made a post a week or so ago about my situation, but I wanted to come at it from a different angle. Basically, I've been with my wife for just over 6 years in total and married for 3. We have two children aged 4 and 2. We haven't been getting on for around 18 months or so and haven't even had sex for about 2 years. I've been sleeping on the sofa for over a year aswell. Around last Christmas, she told me that she no longer loves me and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was heartbroken as no matter how hard things were, I always loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. She kept asking me to leave, but I refused as I didn't want to walk away from her or the children. Well three weeks ago, I found out through a friend that she was on multiple dating sites. I asked her about it and after a while, she admitted it. She told me it was just to make new male friends and have a bit of a flirt. It hit me like a rock. We had a few arguments and a couple of days later she left me and moved into her mum's. She also took our children and isn't letting me see them (I'm getting solicitors and courts involved which has really annoyed her) Obviously I'm missing the girls like crazy but I'm sure that I will get that part of it sorted eventually. The trouble is, I'm missing my wife for no reason at all! All we ever did was argue, we had no love life, slept in separate rooms, she was always moody and bossing me about. She was always right and everything I did was wrong and even my own friends and family disliked her. But I can't get her out of my head and want her back! She even called me this morning to moan at me and saying how the children don't want to see me etc. Why do I miss her so much? The flat is so quiet but still full of all her stuff and all our pictures including the wedding photos everywhere. Nothing I do and no matter how angry I try to get makes it any easier. She's taken my kids and stopping me from seeing them, and I still feel sad for losing her!!
  13. last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game together online while we were on call, it was late at night. We werent fighting or anything but he said something that triggered me wherein he said how he loves how I keep my promises on how I dont easily give up on our relationship. It seems like a sweet thing to say to your partner but to me it seems sweet but it made me remember countless times as to how many times my boyfriend proceeded to constantly break up with me before whenever we have a fight. When I heard him say that, I said to him as how I wish he can apply that to himself too, it didnt seem like an argument so he just took it lightly while I make petty remarks about the things he did while we were still playing together. He eventually got sleepy and went to bed first, but before he slept he can really tell that something was bugging me and we had a small argument but since he was too tired he left the call due to just being sleepy and irritated. By the time he's asleep I explain was one sided of me toed to him how y I was to him that night and the things we fought about before still bother me because of how easy it was for him to leave me and that I wanted us to discuss it by the time he wakes up. By the time he woke up he said to me that we should call about this. When we were on call he started getting angry as to why i messaged him those things, and how I make it seem like it its one sided when i bring those up. Eventually our big fight led to him blocking me in all social medias again, telling me he's done with me, and him making his phone unreachable for calls. In our relationship I often question myself if I was mostly the problem in the relationship, many reasons why in the past he constantly wants to break up with me was because of the mistakes i did before wherein i was too needy and demanding of his attention. I do admit that having those traits can drain someone out but knowing my boyfriend before, he resorts everything to anger and shutting people out who "hurt" him. But he has also shown actions where its often a sign where I can just leave him in the dumps, mostly him cursing at me before and saying some things that can make a person question their capabilities. When I expressed to him last night in his messages how Im still not okay with the fact that in the past he used to breakup up with me a lot in our fights and how it scares me that he might break up with me again that easily if we ever argue again, I expected that he could at least understand as to why im bringing those things up because to me they are still unresolved. But instead he had to make it seem like the things i said to him on chat were a rebuttal to his little debate. Am I wrong for addressing an issue that still bothers me in our relationship? I just wanted him for once to be more understanding and show compassion in situations like these where I feel like I need reassurance in our relationship. This is one of many reasons why I dont share my problems with him like he would to me, I very much feel like being vulnerable towards him is a crime and can result to fights.
  14. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  15. I posted on here a couple of days ago about the relationship I was in, recently me and the ex have been seeing each other and we had sex 2 nights ago, so last night I pretty much said, we either be friends and only friends or we sit down and work things out, I also asked her how she felt, it took her 8 hours to reply so I blocked her, I was clearly being ignored as she was online on other social medias but apparently fell asleep within 1 minute, I unblocked her and explained that we can't keep doing this we are both hurting each other and we need to be apart.. she said she respects my choice and I blocked her on everything, but she hasnt blocked me (on whatsapp her picture is still there) I'm actually shocked she hasnt even reached out to me but we need this no contact. The night we slept together she joked about sleeping with her ex 2 weeks ago and then joked about speaking to someone else.. I miss her so much and just want speak to her. Any tips for NC? Cheers
  16. Hey... I suppose I already know the answer, but would appreciate some gentle opinions. I met a guy through a charity we work with, we chatted for a while, long story short, had lots in common etc. We agreed on a date...met, had a wonderful evening...But we slept together...I think it was to soon, now thinking about it..and I’ve never done that...it just felt right, and was an amazing night. We carried on talking and agreed to see each other again, we have lots in common, and he’s always saying things like, you really get me, I’m flattered to be around you, proud when we are out, love what we have etc. I like the guy. And am starting to feel really connected to him. Problem? I think he’s in it just for sex... I asked him before meeting him again, that I can’t do just sex with someone..and that I feel I can’t open up with someone I’m just sleeping with, so I don’t do it...I told him I like him, but he’s emotionally unavailable...he said he understood and agreed, and sorry for the confusion etc. I deleted his number, and straight away he asked why I did that! I told him that I don’t want the temptation of calling him. He was pissed off with me for that. When we do agree to meet, the week or so leading up to it, it’s lots of messages until the meet, then, nothing, and then a couple. Sometimes it’s been two weeks, no contact! So that’s why I stopped. A few weeks ago, he messaged...saying it’s a shame we can’t meet...we started talking... I asked why he got in contact, he said, he tried to draw a line under us, but it didn’t feel right. So we agreed to meet for dinner. ( before lockdown) Before that we was chatting and he was saying how he couldn’t wait to hold me..kiss me lovingly, he’s missed me etc Lots of lovely stuff... Invite me to stay at his place ( although that was 3 in the morning and him drunk) So I took that lighthearted I suppose I got a little scared and said is this just a sex thing again, as I can’t do this.. He replied ok, how about we stay friends and nothing more, I enjoy your company, So I agreed. Next day He was pissed off, he messaged “ how can I go from wanting to rip his clothes off to friends” I said, I like you, and I don’t want this to be friends with benefits, I know what I’m worth and I can give so much more..but I’m wasting my time if you just want sex. He replied fine. And hasn’t spoke to me in two weeks..he removed me from Instagram the day after that message. I’m just confused, he comes as he likes me..but just puts sex in the way.. And I don’t want to be someone’s fwb, I’m 42, I know what I want.. Was he just using me?
  17. Has anyone or your partner overcome it? How does someone over come it and what can I do as a partner to help? My partner won’t agree to see a therapist. She is jealous of the people I slept with prior to meeting her. She also doesn’t think that I found her attractive on our first date. To be honest she is right. I did not at the time and she found out somehow but the more time i spent with her the deeper I fall for her and she is now the most beautiful to me. She just can’t get over it..
  18. I am just wondering is it cheating if I was seeing this girl for 7 weeks before my J1 in Santa Monica. I told her I wouldn't get with anyone but we weren't in a official relationship. While over there I slept with one girl towards the end.?
  19. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  20. Good morning everyone, This is something that has plagued my mind from the beginning of this relationship. I met this amazing man almost a year ago. We had an instant connection like I haven't felt with anyone in years. We've quickly become best friends and head over heels in love. He treats me amazingly well, and his love for me shows in everything he does. I seem to have a pattern of being really unsure for a long time in relationships, feeling like I'm not good enough and being suspicious why my partner wants me. It doesn't help that I've been burned and fooled badly a few times and as a result I'm just highly skeptical especially when things are what feel "too good to be true". So very early on when I met my boyfriend, he told me about a girl who used to be his best friend. At this point (at the time he described her to me), they had recently just started to talk again (couple months before I came into the picture) after having not spoken for what he says was a period of three years. Right away he divulged that after over 15 years of friendship, they had ended up having a brief (couple of months according to him) sexual relationship. He also described that they had always just been friends before, even sleeping next to each other in the same bed ( apparently he even did this during his 9 year relationship he was in) and nothing ever happened, but then they made the leap one day. He said they "didn't want to label it anything incase they would ruin their friendship"... I came to learn later on that this girl had become a problem during his 9 year relationship, according to him his ex was "insecure and jealous of her, so he had to be a bad friend and stop seeing her". The part that is bothering me the most is that he told me after the 9 year relationship ended, after 10 months of splitting up and him being celibate that entire time, he slept with the best friend... Ultimately proving his ex girlfriend's fears were founded. Now according to him that was about three years ago, so you can figure out that whatever their falling out was, it happened around the time they were sleeping together and then they had no contact until a couple months before I came along. At one point early on my boyfriend was pushing for me to meet her which I told him I wasn't comfortable with. He eventually dropped it. As of now, I don't know if they are still in contact or not. Now I feel extremely insecure about this, that I am his second option because he couldn't be with her (after three years of not talking, she is now engaged) and my fear is she is in the back of his mind as the one he really wanted, but couldn't have so he went out and then I come into his life. We have talked about this before and he tells me that I have nothing to worry about, and that she's not really in his life anymore but I worry that they have some lingering feelings there that keep them connected (he admitted they both had feelings at the point where they were sleeping together). I can't shake this feeling like I could be a second option to him, and I don't know if it's all in my head, or if I should look at what happened after his last long term relationship and think maybe that could happen to me? I'm so sorry this is so long guys, and if anyone has taken the time to read all this I truly thank you and appreciate your time and hopefully some advice to what I should maybe do about all this? I want to be with him and feel secure. Right now this whole thing has me feeling very guarded with him and I'd like to let it go if I can....
  21. My partner of 4 years went away for a week on a family visit. Whilst on this visit, a family get together was arranged at the parents house. Included in the family get together was the ex who by all accounts is still friendly with the parents. To cut a long story short, my partner and ex, ended up sleeping in the same bedroom and in the same double bed that night despite the ex having another room prepared. I was not informed of any of this and only found out when I had suspicions. I was first told that they slept in separate rooms. My suspicions and paranoia knew that there was something more to this and I snooped in on a conversation they had been having on a chat site for quite some time which alarmed me. I was enraged with jealosy and hurt and at 4 in the morning texted the ex from my partners phone " M knows we slept together" The response was " "who has said something?" The next day I confronted my partner who then admitted that they had indeed slept together but were fully clothed. My partner also said that they went to bed in separate rooms but my partner awoke in the morning to find the ex asleep in the bed as well.needless to say a lot of alcohol had been consumed. I have been told that nothing happened and I have to believe that it didnt for my own sanity. On a break, about a year ago, they actually did sleep together. My mind is going crazy and I am struggling to deal with it. I need good strong advice apart from LTB which I guess will be the stock response.
  22. So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We had a kid after one year of being together. I felt we were moving a bit fast but he seemed super excited about everything. It was all great. We’re not married, I would like to be. He’s a really great guy. But now that we’ve been together so long and there’s a kid now I feel like our passion and romance have pretty much been stamped out. There are times I look at him and know in my heart that he loves me and that I love him. But now we’re living together after he’s lived with his parents because of work for a while. (Which sometimes I feel like he was just escaping) because being a parent is hard and ever since my son turned one I’ve pretty much done it alone. Anyway. Now we’re living together again. I knew before that he watches porn. I used to have a big problem with it. But over time I’ve grown out of that. And come to accept that all guys watch porn. But now that we’re living together it bothers me more. For example: tonight after I put our son down to sleep. He went to the bathroom. I didn’t really think about it. Later when I want to get intimate with him, he’s tired. Mind you, earlier he was touting about how he hadn’t (chook chook) in two days. We call masturbating chook chook. But then why go do it while I’m putting our son to sleep??? Like don’t you think that I’d like to get close to you after a long day too? I’ve brought this up to him and he’s been sensitive about it. Luckily he hasn’t been a jerk like some guys I’ve read about. But it never changes! I’ll tell him how it makes me feel and that I think he’d rather chook chook than have sex with me. He just keeps doing it. I just don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore. I think he wants to f#%?the porn stars on his phone more than me. I’m just over it. I know that if I were to try and find another guy they would all just do the same stuff. What should I do? Sometimes I just feel like a friend or roommate rather than a partner or lover. I get the feeling I should just give up. And accept that I won’t ever feel that firey passion that we once had. That I am just a disgusting ball of nothing in a comfy hoodie. :’(
  23. We are both in our mid-twenties. A few weeks into sleeping with each other, we had a discussion that if we slept with anyone else, we would tell each other. And we also both said we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. I brought it up because I knew we weren’t exclusive yet but I was worried about STDs and I wanted to make it clear. He asks me to be his girlfriend a month later and a week into being exclusive, I find out he slept with someone else a few weeks after we had that sexual exclusivity discussion. I was very upset and I told him I wanted to break up. He cried and begged me to stay, said he’s not like that at all and that she didn’t mean anything to him. He said he was just horny and he didn’t know where our relationship was going and he also said he didn’t really know me. I still don’t think that’s an excuse. Otherwise, he’s a really great guy and we clicked immediately with instant chemistry and I was really hopeful about him and our future. I felt like it was a breach of trust. Technically not cheating, I get it because we weren’t exclusive but we did have a discussion and he hid it from me. Did I do the right thing by breaking things off? Would you feel betrayed too? A part of me feels guilty because it was just so natural and easy between us until that incident. Also, once we were official, he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me.
  24. For background, just coming out of a pretty heavy relationship, decided to jump into the dating game recently. Met a lovely guy on a dating app, we went out for drinks last week and we literally didn't stop talking, it was wonderful, we only hugged goodbye (to my disappointment). I got a little drunk over the weekend with some friends and was sending him a few flirty messages, he responded back. We continued talking to each other on Monday, and again, quite flirty and he invited me over Monday night at around 8/9pm. We watched a movie in his bed and some TV and talked until about 1am and then he kind of just curled up and went to sleep, I wasn't going to drive home that late so I just laid there fully clothed - when I woke up he was literally as far away from me on the other side of his bed and the morning was so awkward, it felt like he just wanted me to leave. I get such a good vibe from him but I've never slept fully clothed in a man's bed before and he didn't even try to make a move? Is he not attracted to me? The messages we sent were pretty dirty so why/did he really just invite me over to watch a movie? Maybe I'm reading into this wrong..
  25. Hi all, I met a girl on a dating app. We went out and had a fun time together. I contacted her after and told her that I enjoyed the time with her and that I wanted to see her again. She told me that she was going to be moving for a temporary work assignment in another state. She and I both didn't want to do long-distance but figured maybe we could try again when she came back in 6 months. We kept in contact for a month and she invited to me visit her. I did and we had great time together. She came back to our home state with me as she wanted to visit friends and family. We traveled together and when we got to our home state we spent the whole day together in bed at her place. When I was about to leave we discussed us and she said she didn't want to do long distance and if we were in the same state then she would want to date but she isn't planning on coming back for a while and said she is going to take another temporary work assignment in another state. This was upsetting to me because the entire time we acted like we were in a relationship and I had grown attached. She said she wanted us to keep ourselves open to possibility of new people and experiences. I told her I liked her a lot and that I wanted her but she a was firm that she was not going to move back to our home state for "a guy" or for a "maybe" in regards to us working out. She also said that she was not going to be exclusive including sleeping with other people. This upset me greatly but I reluctantly accepted that she had made life decisions before meeting me and I told her that I needed space to get over her and then I could be her friend. I told her I couldn't be her friend with my feelings and knowing she would be dating other people. She was upset by this saying she wanted to get to know me better but I told her I couldn't do it. She ends up going back to her state and initiates contact with me multiple times. The conversation of us comes back up and it's the same responses on both ends. In us talking it is revealed that she slept with someone while she was back in our home state and before returning to her work assignment. I was extremely hurt and I told her that I no longer wished to talk to her and to stop contacting me. She, of course doesn't, and tells me that she likes me and that she never likes anyone enough to date but she does with me and that when she is back in a year she would want to date but right now she is in transition and wants to see what else is out there. I told her I understand but that doesn't change the fact that she slept with someone else and right after sleeping with me. I told her it was over. Now I know it is over and I am moving on but she still contacts me and sends me sweet things like pictures of us together and romantic memes. I just want to know if anyone has been through this. Has anyone put themself out there, been rejected, and then had the other person not let you go. Why is she messing with my head?
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