Jump to content

BeStrongBeHappy

Platinum Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    7,350

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    38

 Content Type 

Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    ummm... sorry, too weird a thought for me! is he always bringing your mother up or talking about her like a crush or leering at her or trying to find reasons to spend time with her? i wouldn't want to be with a guy who was always crushing on another girl, let alone my own mother... any of those things would get him dumped in my book... your mother is 32 years older than him, and most 50 year old women wouldn't consider a teenaged boy, too creepy and close to incest age difference. she might tolerate it as a puppy crush, but then this is supposed to be YOUR boyfriend so it would bother me a lot if i thought he was trying to make time with my own mother... so what to do would be determined by how he behaves... if he just expressed admiration for her looks, that's one thing, but if he acting like he's got a schoolboy crush on her and trying to get more opportunities to see/be with her, then i'd dump him... let him go find some other older women if he has such a fantasy, not rub it in your face with your own mother...
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    i'm not sure what you want, could you explain more? did you send this email? are you trying to get closure from her? then you should say exactly what you need to say in your email... then whatever her response, move forward, move on, and do what is right to heal and move on with your life.
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, she says she doesn't know yet, and you say you do know... what is hard is everyone's feelings don't move at the same pace... was she rejecting you outright, that is, she doesn't think there is a future with you, or just saying, she is not as sure about things as you are? less than a year is enough for some people to know it is right, but not enough for other people.... so i suggest if she really matters to you, you should talk more, and give her time to see you are right for her... but is she is showing other WRONG behavior, lying to you, cheatting on you, etc. then walk away... ] but if she just isn't sure, and you think she is worth it, then give her more time, and revisit this if you are still waiting in another year.
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    oh man, she's playing with you, while motoring thru a bunch of other guys... what is is you want, from her or another girl? if you just want flirtation, no fidelity, games, etc. then you can continue to play with her... but if you want a steady girlfriend, someone who is faithful and loving, then i think this girl is NOT it...
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    my last post crossed with yours... so i will say more: it sounds like he really has moved on in his head, and thinks he is just breaking up a marriage like moving out of an apartment with a roommate! he probably just never really understood (or believed) that marriage is a great and wonderful commitment, and now that he is ready to move on, you should just make light of that and act like best friends... it is better not to fight about this if there is not much to fight over, but really, you don't have to be friends and act cavalier because he does... if it were me, i'd get my stuff, move on, and say to him, go away, you don't deserve my friendship, to make a commitment so lightly, and act like nothing is wrong if you choose to break that commitment...
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    you asked, how do people get over a breakup? well, it is never an easy road... the one who does the breaking up (like your husband) has lots of time to consider it and keep the security blanket of the relationship while he separates himself mentally from the marriage and makes the decision to end it... and the one who is left has the harder task, not being ready, but in the longer run, you do not have to question yourself so much... you did the right thing, tried to make your marriage work, gave it your all, did not bail out so easily like your husband did... so the problem for you becomes to recognize that you gave your all, and someone else did not! you were loving and connected, and understood that marriage involved commitment, but someone else did not... so you are grieving a hope and a promise, while he is just cowardly in a lot of senses... the trick to get over it is to realize that marriage is a good thing, and you are good at it, but you married someone who is not up to the task... and yes, good, recognize that you need to protect yourself financially... if he is being honest, recognizing marriage not what he wants, then he will be fair financially in a divorce... but if he has a hidden agenda, another woman, or just rank selfishness, he will try to manipulate you or the courts to his advantage... so get a lawyer, get a good separation agreement, and make sure you get fairness in the settlement... and recognize that marriage is good, but marriage to someone who is NOT committed is not worth it, so move on and find someone who is worthy of your love and commitment! best of luck, lots of us have been there, and you will be fine once you have given it some time...
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    yes it is so hard to break up a long partnership, but really, think what a load of stress off your life it will be to just have a cup of tea and sit down and not have someone in the house making you miserable! better to be alone, than in a situation where you are filled with anxiety and rejection in your own home... best of luck, there is ALWAYS a new life, and a better one than being with someone who makes us miserable! the transition is really hard, but peace of mind is worth it....
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    i would say that she now knows you are 'watching' her accounts... but if she wanted to really contact you, she would respond to your email directly... sounds like she is avoiding confrontation with you, but not really participating with you... please stop watching her accounts, and if you don't hear from her with real contact (i.e., direct contact), then take that as your answer, and heal and move into NC and move on...
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    remind yourself that relationships that are strong and really right can, and must, survive all kinds of challenges... there is a big difference between dependence and insecurity and real love... true love can survive distance because that person's importance to you never wavers... plenty of people are married to people in the military they don't see for a long long time, even years, with no security that they will even see the person again, but the love keeps them strong and keeps the bond alive... please try to separate your loneliness and fear of the unknown and being in a new place from your longing for your boyfriend... sometimes the two get mixed up, and you go running back, and it still is not the right answer... and if a relationship can't survive being apart for a while, then it is not about connection, but about fear and dependence... so spend time doing positive things, like emailing him, talking to him, sending special care packages, making special plans for the next time you will see each other, etc... while still pursuing your new life, and finding people and things that support your new life... if your boyfriend is right for you, you will survive this, and find a way to be together when and where both of you can have a great life... best of luck, and HANG IN THERE!
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    ummm... do your dates include sex, or just emotional intimacy, and not real dating... my fear would be that he is really happy with having you as a friend, and relying on you, but if he meets someone else he does want to really date, you will be sitting there listening to him tell you how great she is... the problem isn't how great friends you are, but that you are wanting more, and he seems to be happy to 'pseudo' date, i.e., be really close, but not really your boyfriend... so for your own sake, really talk to him about this, and if he doesn't want to date you as a boyfriend, then maybe you should seriously start looking for someone else, and not substitute a pseudo boyfriend for the real thing...
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    there are some people who just put a relationship lower down on their list... i.e., they like to be 'crazy busy' with hobbies etc. i can understand work or school commitments, but he is also packing hobbies and buddies in there with a higher priority than you... i personally am a bit suspicious of this, because it sounds like he just wants a woman to hook up with now and again to meet his sexual needs, and he is getting is emotional/friendship/leisure/excitement needs met by buddies and hobbies etc. so he should just be dating people casually, and NOT keeping a girlfriend on the string waiting for when he doesn't have something else he considers more fun to do... it really sounds like he is being quite selfish, doing what he wants, and you have to conform to HIS schedule, rather than negotiating something both of you are happy with... if you stay with him, be prepared to spend the rest of your life as second string to his other hobbies/commitments... some people are like this, and will always put their partners last, after everything else they want to do... you sound like you want more, and to be a priority in someone's life... that is not an unreasonable expectation, but a *normal* one... so tell him what you need, and if he's not willing to give it to you, then break up, and find someone who will...
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    people can have lots of events in their childhood that teach them the wrong things... if they were abused as children, or lived with watching abuse in their parents, it is what they know, and what they are familiar with, and maybe they don't know any better, think that is just the way a relationship should be, and don't know any better... and there are complex psychological reasons for this... it is very common for trauma victims to keep returning to the source of their trauma, to try to gain a sense of control and mastery over the problem... so they keep acting out their trauma and pain again and again, not realizing the key is to break out of that cycle, rather than returning again and again to a dry well, or the source of their problems, not the cure... so no, they don't LIKE to be abused or in pain, it is much, much more complex than that, and they need support and education, and frequently therapy, to learn how to break this cycle, and get what they need for themselves... and abusers are very very skilled at alternative abuse and rewards, and manipulations, to lure their partners back in, telling them they have changed, then as soon as the partner is back, the cycle starts again... so it is a complex interaction, and ANYONE with an abuser partner should just leave and not look back... second chances with abusers, where they are 'behaving' themselves and wooing their partner back, or just shams and manipulations to get what they want... an abuser can sometimes change, but usually only if they get lots of therapy, and move on to another partner who will NOT tolerate any kind of abuse, and draws the lines for them, and keeps them within those boundaries.
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, LDRs are very hard, and sometimes one can become very needy because of confusion about what his really going on... if he is having trouble with work, that does not mean he is having trouble with you, unless he is using that as an excuse to not contact you... (i.e., he is not telling you the truth)... there is no excuse for anyone to call you names or swear at you, but at the same time, if he has some trouble and needs support, and you are instead demanding that he reassure you, then he may feel that you are one more demand he doesn't need right now... so maybe you should try to keep contact with email, and cut him a little slack, but if he is abusive and swears at you whenever he doesn't get his way, then you need to reconsider that he might have deeper problems.
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like this is a very high drama (not good) relationship... him trying to force you into things you don't want, then jerking you around... sometimes friends do see that more than we can ourselves, because we are infatuated... if your friend really thinks he's a sleaze, and she is good friend, then maybe you should listen... a good relationship should make us feel happy and stronger, not sick to our stomach and filled with worry... so i think maybe you should respect yourself, and find someone who treats you better than this....
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, i vote for email, because that allows you to compose your thoughts, say what you want to say, and not surprize them and put them on the spot, or get them at a bad time, like phone calls can do... and always best to say exactly what you are thinking... i.e., you are not sure if they want to hear from you, but you were thinking of them and were wondering... (whatever you were wondering)... then be polite and open, i.e., say just let me know what you want, and that's ok... i had a situation like this, and just told him something to the effect, 'i haven't heard from you in a long time, and am wondering if you want to hear from me, or you are busy with other friends/things that mean you don't have time/desire for me in your life?... if you'd rather not be in contact, then i just won't contact you again...' and i was suprized by a phone call that night... he did indeed want the friendship, so sometimes giving them the option, without blaming, pleading, or other pressure, will get you a response where you know what they want/are thinking... if you get no response, then that is your answer too...
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    hmmm... i think the risk you run when you lose the 'spark' (or never had it), is that you can be relatively content with day to day life, but as soon as someone else pops into your life where you feel a real spark, that spark with the other person can burst into flames, and cause you to have an affair, or really doubt your marriage/partner, and all your carefully laid domestic plans get blown out of the water.... and if a marriage/partnership becomes really sexless and dull, it can be very stifling, make one feel hopeless and trapped, and bored... that's no way to live either, because healthy couples have sex as long as they live (especially thanks to viagra these days).... so one needs to strive for someone who really does light you up, even if day to day life does sometimes get in the way... but if the spark was never there, or it is so hopelessly gone you haven't seen it in years, then you need to either try to re-ignite it with counseling or efforts to re-establish the intimate connection, or go find someone who is capable of a loving and sexy partnership with you... (but honorably, not by cheating while still involved with someone else...)
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think like this sounds like a great plan! if the new girl is great for you, it will just get stronger, and NC will help your ex realize you are not just content to be a 'backup' man, but deserve something better... i think you will either bond more with the new girl, or else realize that that is not something you want to get serious with after 4 months... and if you ex is the right one, she will be willing to wait a while to let you figure out what you need to do, especially since she took a runner on you, and you deserve to try to find what is right for you, not just what your ex wants you to do... best of luck, maybe neither is 'the one', but you are being very reasonable and thoughtful in your actions, which bodes very well for all of you!
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    Have you seen the american film 'War of the Roses'? about a couple who both refuse to give in on a house and possessions? people end up fighting over possessions when what they are really fighting over is anger at the failed relationship. really, please try not to engage in battles with her, and do everything you can to sell the house quickly. as you can see, it is much better with no contact, and fighting with her and making threats to take more than 50/50 will only make it worse... put all you energies into winding up things and getting out, since continued squabbling will just make it harder on you, and her less likely to contribute.
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    sometimes they say that to lessen the blow for you (i.e., give you a transition period to accept the breakup), and sometimes because they feel guilty about dumping you and it eases their guilt to say they'll still be friends, or sometimes they don't want the big scene and crying and stalking that might happen if they tell you it is over and they never want to see you again... and sometimes they do really value you and want the friendship, but don't want the romance... or they may have met someone else they are attracted to, but not sure they want to break it off entirely with you til they are sure the new person is what they want... so there could be lots of reasons for them wanting to stay friends, but that is usually pretty unhealthy for the person dumped if they are still in love and wanting more... it will just fan the flames and perhaps keep false hope alive, and prevent you from moving on with their life and finding new loves/friends. so regardless it is usually best for the one dumped to go into no contact for a long time or forever, until they have control of their emotions and have truly healed and don't want a relationship with the person who dumped them anymore... sometimes amicable breakups where both people kind of had their emotions fizzle out before the breakup can handle being friends because both have already healed before the breakup, but that is not the usual case, except perhaps in really long relationships where the two people grow apart over time, but still like and respect each other... but no way should you try to stay friends if you will be upset if the other person starts dating someone else, or if you are just seeing them as friends with the hopes of a reconciliation... it gets very confusing when you think you're working towards getting back together, and the other person genuinely has lost the spark and just wants a friendship, nothing more.
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think you should slow down for a minute and think about a few things... first, your ex never showed any interest in rekindling with you until he sees the potential for that receding becuase you met someone else... so i think her 'backup' plan has always been you, and she wants that option open, permanently until she makes up HER mind that she hasn't found someone better... but what is important is that she is, and HAS been, looking for someone better for a long time... her words now are meaningless, could just be empty promises to get you to dump that girl, while she continues to look around for herself, and *maybe* goes forward with you... there is a really good chance that if you get back with her, she'll give you the heave ho yet again, or worse, marry you, have a couple kids, give you the heave ho later, while you play a trunkload of child support for the kids while she wanders off looking for her dream lover yet again... so i would make NO promises to her, but if you move back and want to date her, then MAYBE it might get serious, or maybe not... but i would definitely not take her back at this point if it were me, it would make me mad that she jerked me around for so long, and now appears to be in a selfish jealous snit because her 'backup' man might be sneaking off somewhere with someone else. regarding the new girl, i'd say keep dating her if she is making you happy, but be more honest with her about exactly what you are feeling... you have only dated for 3 weeks, so there can be no promises to each other at this point, take the time to get to know one another, but make it very clear that your future plans involve going back to michigan, and you may or may not be serious enough then to consider where you both move, or whether you just break up then... just try to keep her hopes into perspective with the situation with you, that you are not ready to make a commitment to her yet, but you think she's great... she needs to hear the 'buyer beware' speech from you now, because she might be thinking true love, and you don't have a clue at this point whether the relationship will get really serious or not in the 4 months you have left... but i definitely think the new girl sounds like a better prospect at this point, and the ex sounds like she is just desperate to keep her options open and you on a string, when she hasn't really treated you very well... good luck, you don't have to agree to marry or be exclusive with either at this point, nothing wrong with just dating without knowing the exact future, as long as everyone understands where yourhead is right now...
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    even if you don't have therapy nearby, do you have a medical doctor? there is a good chance that you are clinically depressed, adn the stress of a breakup can bring it on... they can prescribe medication that might help you more than just sleeping pills... it takes time, and try to do things that break your obsessive thoughts of him... allow yourself a couple 20 minutes periods to think of him morning and night, but stop yourself in between when you start up, and get up and do something to break your thought processes and get them on something else... if you can start to try to control your thoughts about this and channel them so they are not all the time, it will help break the cycle of constantly mourning him. also, get out and exercise some, walk if nothing else, because that really helps your brain chemistry and will help you sleep better too... best of luck, and hang in there!
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    is there any chance he is giving your phone number out as his when he borrows money so they won't dun him when he doesn't pay it back? or any chance he has your other private identification numbers and is using them to get credit with? addicts can develop some beastly habits and tricks to get money and use other people to feed their habits... so if you gave him any private identification info, checking account numbers, etc., please be careful with that and change the numbers. the fact that a creditor is calling YOUR number is not a good sign... also, you assume he is trying to get back with you for personal reasons... maybe he will charm you to try to borrow more money? and one more cyncical thought.. i have know a few people who have skipped town quickly because they had drug problems and owed a shady character a LOT of money and were afraid so left town for a while... are you really sure he was in rehab, or just an excuse to cover for his absense... anyway, he has cheated on you before etc., has a drug habit, money problems... not the best person for romance, and maybe not trustworthy at all... if it were me, my contact with him would be to tell him you want your money back NOW, and see how he behaves... also ask him why he is giving out YOUR number as his own to places that lend money... if he does pay you (not just TALK about paying you), and has a steady job, and is obviously clean and no drugs, then you *might* consider seeing him. but otherwise he sounds like he is not the best of prospects, even as a friend.
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    just my two cents... sometimes kids take it better than you think, especially if it has been very tense and awkward for a long time between the parents, and the kids are even recognizing it to the point of saying things like 'Mom hates you...' It could be a huge relief of tension for everybody, and the kids not forced to take sides so much if you both agree to the separation, and you are just down the street for whenever they want to see you... so a bit of a shock at first, but probably less stressful for everybody not living with this cold war between you. best of luck... it really did sound like an intolerable situation for you, and she has been very hostile and pulled no punches about saying she didn't and doesn't love you, better to be free to love and be loved by someone for the second half of your life!
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think affairs are never a good idea, especially when complicated by the fact that he is your friend... are you prepared to take on this woman and her children should she leave her boyfriend? and will you ever really trust her, if you know that she is capable of cheating on her partner, as she did with you (and will she ever trust you)? i think sometimes people get wrapped up in the excitement of an affair, the adrenaline, and never really think out the consequences til the affair is found out, then it blows up, and it is not nearly so peachy after you are a couple, rather than just spice in each other's lives... imagine how she will feel if she breaks up with her boyfriend because of you, then you decide you don't want a serious relationship with her, and she has wrecked her family for nothing? or how about looking your friend in the eye for the next 20 years when he comes to pick up HIS kids at YOUR house... and do you want those kids to grow up in a house where they blame you for breaking up their mother and father's relationship... no matter what you and see tell them, i'm sure your friend (and the father) will tell them otherwise! in other words, the negative potential of this situation if it plays out is just through the roof... so really, you should step away from this NOW, and tell her that she needs to resolve the issues with her boyfriend, and to NOT think of leaving him because she expects to have you for a replacement partner... unless you are really sure those are shoes you want to fill... she will also most likely DEEPLY resent you if she decides to leave her partner, then you decide you don't want to marry her... another tidbit... about 95% of affairs that break up parternships end eventually (and badly) when the two affair partners get together... so little trust, and too much baggage... so odds of this relationship lasting even if she does leave her partner are not very good... the great sex won't compensate when real life starts sinking in for both you...
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    how does he view his own stalking if you have talked to him about it? is it to relieve his anxiety (i.e., obsessive compulsive, he can't stop, but really wants to), or potential chemical depression, or is it because he thinks he will get her back, or is mad at her and potentially scary, potential to harm her or himself? based on your gut feeling for this, you probably would handle it differently... if he won't consider counseling, but is hating himself for doing this, you can help him by talking to him about his feelings, and trying to gently convey to him, listen mate, this is only scaring her, not making you feel better, and you need to focus on something else... try to get him to post here, or read some other people's threads on how they are feeling, so he has another outlet for his feelings rather than stalking, and might see the advantages of going into no contact with her, and stopping this behavior... but if you think he has a serious enough problem that he might harm himself (suicidal), or her, then you might consider a stronger intervention, with his family or other authorities if he ever mentions the desire to harm her... and if he doesn't start controlling himself, she might take legal action, like a restraining order, so it is best to try to stop this for everyone's sake before he gets there... he might also benefit from a doctor's checkup and some antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds if he is totally stuck on this, so try to encourage him to a regular doctor first, and then maybe from there he might consider counselling...
×
×
  • Create New...