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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.
  2. I have been divorced from my ex husband for two years now. We were together for 20 years. I have since remarried. My ex husband dated around a lot and has finally found a girlfriend he thinks is serious enough he wants her to meet our kids and me. I don’t know how to prepare myself for the meeting and I am anxious about it. My current husband is very jealous and bothered that I even seem to care. He feels like I shouldn’t care about it because we are married and I’ve moved on. I have tried to explain to him that it’s not a jealous feeling that I am feeling. I do not miss being with my ex in any way, he was not good to me. I am adjusting to the thought of a new woman in my kids life and being compared to my ex husbands new girlfriend. But I feel like my current husband is being very selfish by starting arguments about this. He is more worried about what this meeting is going to make him feel than how I’m going to feel. I don’t know how to explain this to him. He has never been divorced or even had a long term relationship.
  3. We were together 12y, married 3, and have a 8 month old. Anywho its been a heck of a saga, but she showed her hand and it was the last straw. Last tuesday I officially had filed for divorce, and im now going through the process. I wont waste time talking about her more, but am trying to figure out my path forward after this 12y saga. What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new. Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks
  4. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  5. Hey guys! I stumbled accross this tonight and I am glad I did. I have been in turmoil for the past few weeks and need some advice. Here it goes. I am 35 and mother of 2 young children. I recently went through a divorce due to the fact my ex husband had a DUI accident and accidently killed a man. He ran instead of facing court. I have been raising my children by myself since May. I met a man on link removed in August who lived 50 miles from me. It was love at first sight. He too has two children 9 and 10 and for first 4 months we drove back and forth almost daily. The relationship went fast. He had a ring on my finger by October and I sold my house and paid off debts and moved down into a rental place (which i hate) 2 months ago to be near him. I should have seen it coming because since I moved down it has gone down hill. He started talking about issues he was having - mainly us not disiplining our children the same. He also had issues with other things, but nothing I saw that we could not work on especially if we went to counseling. We have intense sexual chemistry and for the most part got along fine. We had plans to marry May 14th of this year. Two weeks ago I was away on a work trip and he told me before I left he wanted to postpone the wedding. I was upset because we had deposits down, invitations printing but I told him let's think about it while I am away. I decided to give him time while i was away but he thought I was out doing something I wasn't so when I called he told me all my stuff and my dogs are back at my house - it was over. Here is where it gets tricky. When I got back, he and I called eachother and he decides he wants to be friends - slow it down and go from there. He states he doesn't want to date anyone else, but thinks he needs to be apart and that I need time to become independent and not have a man. He was feeling "pressured" to get married and felt like I leaned on him too much to help me with my children. He didn't want to replace what I had with my ex and he didn't want to rush down an aisle, even though he put the ring on my finger and told me what month he wanted to get married. Last week, I went on link removed and saw his profile back up and was furious. I called and laid into him and he hung up on me. He states he went on to see if I was on. Anyways he then wrote me an email threatening me to give back his ring in which i wrote back and threatened in return. It got ugly and things were said. We both said don't contact me again but we both have been calling eachother. I saw him this past weekend at my son's t-ball game and he came up to me, talked and gave me a kiss. Then later that night, he went out with friends, came over and we slept together. Now he said he regrets it but still wants to be friends. I know we have that strong chemistry when we see eachother. I don't know what to do. I still love him but one moment he still loves me and the next he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me nor wants me to move on with anyone else. Right now I don't want anyone else if I can't have him but I am getting mixed signals left and right. He says don't call, but calls on Sat from a concert because he thinks of me. I don't know how to move on. I am depressed that I now live 1 mile from him, don't have money to move back up, don't have any friends here in his town and have him yo yoing me back and forth. I would be lying if I said I don't want him back despite our parents both don't want us to. Too much damage has been done. But having sex keeps that string in me and gives me hope. Question is, how do I move on? It is so hard not to call him or email him. Even tonight I called him regarding the Bachlorette show and we talked about it. It ended with him saying I will call you later. I hate that I can't just cut this off and move on. Any advice on what to do? BlondOne
  6. I am divorced now for 5 months. My x has two daughters from a previous relationship. I maintain some contact with her daughters 18 and 14 years old. I send them cards gifts for bdays and holidays with no expectations. These girls were part of my life for ten years and im not sure where i fit in this puzzle. If i break contact with them would they understand? Would i be a creep if i did ? Again i do what i do because i want to and not to get x baxk or anything manipulative like that.These girls have been on so many emotional roller coasters it is the last thin i want to do. Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated..
  7. Hi, any advice for me as to how supportive i can be when my newly refound special one is being forced by collection agency to deal with her ex-husband when he has not been making payment towards to house they both had way back in 1998 when they were married. They got divorced in 1999 and she was so sick and scared of the whole thing that she packed her stuff and fled to the east coast. She had a lawyer who didn't do his job right because when she was so fed up with the whole situation and wanting it to all go away(something many women do in that situation), he failed to warn her that she can give the house's rights to her ex husband but would still be liable for payments should he not handle it right. So now he isn't returning her calls, the collection / bank have begun forclosure, and her credit is in danger of being hurt in a major way when in fact she hasn't been in charge at all. But because her name was on the house as well .....she is now paying the price. I want to ask any lawyer out there...is there anything she can do to remove her name completely from this mess, and not be stucked with something that is obvioulsy her ex way to get back at her. He even went behind her back and opened a new credit card while she was gone!! She found that out thwo or three years ago...but because she just wants all of this to go away, she just believed his word that he would take care of it. Guess what HE HAS DONE NOTHING and now she is dealing with him all over again ....SOMETHING SHE REALLY HAS BEEN WORKING ON WITH HER THERAPIST TO GET PAST AND MOVE ON COMPLETELY. I am listening to her and offering support. I guess maybe if she can proove in writing that he promised to make the payments on time, or sell the house, somwhow she may be off the hook. For now I just don't know what to do maybe except just land support here and there but I try not to give too much advice....she probably doesn't want me to fix anything...only listen and be there for her. If you;ve followed my stories from the beginning you will see how magical of a person she has been, not to mention this immense transformation she has made, she is like a new person and I think we're on a path that is very special. I am starting to know her again, but here is something that just has to be dealt with once and for all. SHE WANTS TO BE NICE....BUT HE ISN'T THINKING LIKE THAT. i AM SURE HE STILL CARRIES SOME BAD FEELINGS TOWARDS HER. any Professional advice would be appreciated and any advice at all would be cool. WHAT IS HER BEST COURSE OF ACTION??
  8. Hey all, I'm in a dilemma..and I shouldn't be. I've been separated for about 6 months, with the divorce being finalised. I'm a very attractive 35 year old that looks and dresses late 20's. I'm not conceited; I've always thought less of myself than others have. I'm a romantic and always wear my heart on my shoulder, am a giver and a 1 girl man. I'm a genuinly nice guy, never have been a user. After the split, i got counseling and it really helped me with my self confidence and ability to be happy alone. I've been seeing a lady 1 year my senior for about 2 months now..I met her on the net and we hit it off emotionally BIG time. I was dating to date...not to find true love...yet. When we met, it was magic from an emotional standpoint. She is intelligent, witty, funny, deep, all on a level amazingly equal to my own...like a soul mate...scarry. And...she is pretty, was gorgeous as a younger lady but is showing her age. To me she looks a decade older than me and has a figure a bit larger than what I usually look for and find attractive...and it is becoming an issue with me. Am I being totally juvenile or what?? Everything is there, even when we kiss it's magic...but I'm not sure I can be totally attracted to her physically long term. Maybe my problem is there are many incredibly attractive girls in my area that have expressed interest in me. I draw attention of young 20's girls wherever I go...please understand I'm not being conceited. It just makes it hard for me, almost like a curse. I drive a nice car, have a great job and house...and know I can be picky..but is it worth it? What is wrong with me?? I dated about 10 girls before this one i'm monogamous with but still feel like I have more dating I need to get out of my system...but don't want to lose what could be true love. I can take honest advise!!! thanks...
  9. I will try and be as brief as possible. We met about 7 months ago. She is 4 1/2 years younger than me. She has two children in another state who live with their father. She divorced him over a year ago and left to get away from him but misses her children very much. We broke up at the end of April after an incident where I freaked out because I was insecure and it manifested itself when we couldn't get a table anywhere for dinner. She tried to reassure me but I clammed up. We did get together two weeks later, and since, we had been going back and forth between being completely in couple mode to just friends. Regardless, we have been intimate the entire time. However, there have been occasions where it seemed that we couldn't deal with it and would almost separate only to come back together. This whole time, she has been torn between wanting to stay here and be with me, or go back to her children. I am supportive of her being with her children and think we can work it out, she takes an "all-or-nothing" approach. She even told about three weeks ago that she was considering staying here for me. I have even offered to go with her and she actually considered it seriously until she decided it "would only make things more complicated". She is afraid her ex-husband may make it difficult for her to see her kids. We went to Mexico last month and we seemed to get very close. Since we have been back she has been increasingly unavailable. Two weeks ago, we had a terrible falling out, precipitated by alcohol, me being on medication and her seeking independence. We went out and insecurities built up and words were exchanged. The incident, in the end, really is not what concerns me as it was just an excuse for her to do what she did later. Last week, she called me up and I went over. We didn't discuss the previous incident but ended up sleeping together. Then, on Monday, she emailed me and said it was a "HUGE mistake"...and said it would be better if we didn't keep in touch anymore. She finished by saying "Good bye". However, she went out with my sister this past Friday, and told her the following: That she does this when she cares alot about someone (getting distant). She says that she is definitely moving back to xxxx in two weeks. She only had "good things" to say about me, that we had a lot of good times together. She appreciated my email from Friday. Her family here doesn't want her to go. She doesn't know whether to keep some stuff in here or not, whether to "keep a door open here". However she said she thinks what she did was for the best, in terms of saying good bye to me. My thoughts are that none of this is new. That one Saturday was just an excuse to make a clean break. I still want her back and think she is making an "all or nothing" thing out of this, either she go to xxxx and be with her kids, which means to her closing off contact with me, or she stay in xxxx and give her kids up and be near me. I am thinking of emailing her tomorrow telling her that my sister told me she is leaving in two weeks and that I would like to see her before she goes. Please help! I don't think its hopeless... Even last Friday, she seemed so into me then she sent that email the following Monday. I responded essentially telling her it was not necessary to end our friendship. Since Monday, I have used NC except to tell her it was nice of her to invite my sister out. Any advice would be appreciated.
  10. I wasn't positive where this should go, but this is close enough. There was a girl I used to work with, let's call her Ruth, who I CANNOT stop thinking about! We worked together for about 10 months. We hit it off right away when she started there, I was there before she was. We would talk all the time. We worked in a call center, so we could sit right next to each other. She is married, I'm going through a divorce. When I first met her is when my soon to be ex and I decided to get a divorce. Ruth has been through this and always cheered me up when I was sad. I would follow Ruth around and act like a puppy dog, ignoring all my other buddies there. We ate luches and took breaks together every day. I even told her I loved her a couple of times. She has a wonderful smile that just lights up the world! I know we were just friends, but somewhere in all those lunches and breaks I fell in love. I would say things that a friend just would say, like that I would never get tired of her. I even met her hubby once before she left that job. I didn't have any ill will towards him at all. As my soon to be ex got further along in our divorce I would cling to Ruth more and more. When she left there it was the saddest day of my life, sadder than my divorce! I've come to believe I never had any true feelings for anyone till Ruth. I still talk to her and her hubby online, and I've visited them a couple of times. I had a fantasy not to long ago where he was dead and I swept her off her feet. I know you all think I am a terrible person for this, but it's true! I still see her smile everytime I go to work and it's just killing me!! I want so bad to tell someone... I know her hubby has never done anything to hurt her, he and I have become friends as well. But in the back of my mind I want desparately to be where he is! I've got a draft of an email where I tell all my feelings for her, this email will never get sent! I can't help but wonder if it's only her happiness, good maraige, and smile I want since my marriage is over. I really think it's something more, why can't I stop thinking about her? Why do I keep dreaming about her? People have told me I'm in love with Ruth. But noone has a clue how to make it stop! I want to try and remain frineds with both of them, they are helping me with my divorce, my life, my well-being, they even helped me by a new pc which I am on now!
  11. first of all this is my first post. just wanna say this is a cool site lots of info. anyhoo im 18 and my ex is 17. i met her at a party a year and half ago sense that day we been going out. before her i never had a real gf and same goes for her. for the past year and half i been seeing her 3 times a week usualy friday, sat, and sun. she was my everything. i am an only child. with divorced parents. i used to work alot so i didnt usualy hang around with ppl from school. it was all about me, my gf, and my car. my gf used to tell me that she loves me everyday for the past year and half i cant remember one day that we missed out talkin to each other. she knew everything there is about me. i was completely open with her. i never lied or cheated on her. i tried to be the best bf i could possebly be. cuz i knew that one day we gonna brake up like most realtionships do and that was my worse fear i did everything to make her happy and everyday she had a smile on her face. i got a job working for her dad in constraction this summer. so her dad asked me to live with them while im working. i worked everyday. so i saw my gf everyday. each day after work i was so happy to see her but when i looked at her i havent seen that smile anymore. i asked her whats wrong and she told me nothing that she is geting bored of me being there with her everyday. at first i though she was just in a bad mood or something after 2 weeks of working for her dad. everyday was the same i come home after work expect her to be there for me. but shes not. i ask her mom where is she and she told me shes at a friends house. i felt horreble i was at someone else house' and alone. she was never there anymore. and then one day she tells me i think we need time apart i need my own space lets be friends i was shocked i kept asking why. she just didnt asnwer anymore. i fell apart and went home without saying anything. the next day i call her and i asked her when does she want me to come back. she said i duno. after a few days. i had enough of being played i asked her are we still going out or wat. and she said NO. for no reason at all, the love of my life turned out to be this completely diffrent selfish if i might add person. we been broken up for about 3-4 weeks now. everyday was a nightmare its like she just didnt care anymore there must of been a reason. i called her everyday. we talked for 5min and she told me she had to go. so i started calling her friends to see what they know. i got some info but i wanted to hear it from her. so here it goes. i asked my ex what did i do wrong and she kept saying nothin at all its not you its me. she told me that last winter she cheated on my with some guy. i asked her why would u do that and she said she didnt know she felt sorry for me and never talked to the guy she cheated on me with again. i was confused. i asked her were u not happy with me and she said i havent been happy for a long time. i asked her then y do u smile everyday and pretend that u love me. she said i do love u but not inlove with you. so i asked so everyday for the past year u had a fake smile on and she said prety much yeah. then i hanged up the phone. the next day i found out that 2 days after we broke up she started dating some 21 year old guy whos a coke head. that she met at a party a few months ago. prety much for the past year and half i been lied to about everything all this time she felt sorry for me. my life was a lie and now i have no body cuz i spend all my time with her. i couldnt eat or sleep for a week after. i lost 30pounds. i think im healing now but each day i think aobut her. i have so many memories. she wants me to be friends with her but how can i ? i been through so much with her. but how can i after what she did to me. its not a good excuse to brake up with me. alot of ppl been telling me forget about her. but i cant forget about her each day i have dreams about her. after all what she did to me. the cheating the lieing. i still love her. but no matter how much i show it to her she just doesnt care. any opinions from you guys ?
  12. Hey everyone, i have a question that seems simple on the surface, and even i had my answers to it, but looking at the angle of ''if it was me'' or the true severity puts it into a different perspective, ive got a boyfriend, and he isnt young so its more of a mature answer im looking for, but how can i help him cope through his parents divorce? His parents are great friends still and that has given a greater shock due to it being so unexpected, his father is moving out today and both him and his sister were only told three days ago, how do i help him cope? My boyfriend isnt used to opening up and has only done so recenetly to me, with me being the only person he speaks to, he seems to feel he has to set a positive and good role model for his younger 14 year old sister, he has been teaching professional guitar for a while and puts his emotion into his work, even though this is one way of relief i dont think he is actually gaining enough help from it. thankyou for any responce, Jx
  13. I have been married for 2 years and together for 7 before that. About 4 months ago I cheated on my wife with a girl who was nothing more than a drunk. I have been an alcoholic for about the past seven years. When I have gotten drunk I said mean and nasty things to my wife. Never name calling but derogatory and harmfull comments. Since the break up after the cheating episode I have been sober for 4 1/2 months, spent over $1000.00 on therapy and have been completley honest in any conversations that I've had with her and anyone concerning my life with her. We never spoke for about 2 months and then started speaking everyday for about a month , about having children, what happened how to deal and get over it etc. I moved back In for about 10 days and everything was fine and then I came home from work one day and she said she wanted me out and was not happy and couldn't do "this" anymore. The days before this she was telling me she loves me and talking about babbies and having sex with me.I have had no contact with her except for a few conversations about legal seperation. When I ask her about filing for legal seperation as far as dates and things go she just say's "what do you think"? She knows I don't want to get a divorce and she's never come right out and asked for one. It's as if she is pushing me to do all the serious stuff against my will. She and my sister were very close and she was a faboulous aunt to my 3 nieces and nephews and I asked her not to "write them off" over my foolish horrible mistake and she said that she's not but no one has heard from her for 4 weeks. Her friends and father hate me now (not that I blame them) and are a great influence on her decision making. I told my wife that there would come the time where I would have to face her parents and other loved ones whom i've hurt and disappointed and try to make things right again, but her father just said "not a f*&$%ing chance!!" HE has constantly been sticking his nose in our lives the whole length of our relationship. He has cheated on his own wife numerous times also and my wife knows this., but she still seems to value his opinion more than anything. I have this constant feeling that there is more to this whole episode than meets the eye. I figure if you want to try and see if you can get over the infedelity, lets try marriage councilling. She wont. I guess she just may want out and has the excuse now that she doesn't look like the bad girl. Thats important to her because she constantly cares what people think. After I sobered up I truly have seen the value of my wife and want so many things with her to put the smile on her face everyday. I have so much regret and shame for what I did and the way that I acted I don't know that I can ever get over it, I am soo sorry for what I did to her. People say I am beating myself up about it too much. She has been out every night since and seems not to be taking it very hard. I am devestated!!! I can't help but feel that I have this new outlook and perspective on the thing that should have been done in our relationship but fear it's simply too late. I have committed 100% to living for our marriage, I only wish I could have been sober enough before this all happened. I've always said I would never cheat on her and truly believed I wouldn't until I got drunk one night and it happened. She's kicked me out before years ago because of the drinking and the whole scenario kinda fells the same. No contact and then 3 months later we're back together fo 2 weeks, everything is good and then BOOM.....out the door again. Please lend me some insight , I feel that no man has enough rope to climb that mountain when the friends and father are against you. I just don't know how honest she's being with herself. She's very vague, and never gives the difinitive YES or NO answers. She has never went to councilling throughout this whole thing and will not consider it. I also would like to know how you deal with the fact that someone else will soon be doing the day-to-day things and sleeping with your wife. I just can't seem to deal with it. I guess I got exactly what I deserved
  14. .....my divorce is getting closer, I have a new relationship that is rocky, I haven't a job and I feel like driving off a cliff! I have a 14 year old son that is SO challenging, acts like he wants nothing to do with me. My girlfriend (partner) is always saying that she is afraid of loosing me and she is jealous when I talk to my (soon to be) ex husband. I miss my ex's friendship and how good our communication was. I feel completely out of control and at the mercy of the universe. I have been feeling very suicidal the past couple of days. Its all quite mello dramatic I know, but I just want to escape life. I want to be friends with my ex, we had 16 years together that were pretty successful, allbeit that I'm a lesbian. We worked well together. I wish I had just kept my blinders on sometimes. I wish I wasn't so "aware" of myself sometimes. Help
  15. Hi all, as some of you know my husband finally moved out after a long history of not coming home, many other types of serious drama and repeated emotional abuse. I have not filed for divorce yet. He keeps calling me and begging me to give him another chance, I've given him so many chances with crystal clear guidelines that I have lost count. He has blown it every time. I have no proof that he ever cheated on me but he has lied to me many times about everything else. He swears he hasn't cheated on me and I somewhat believe him or I wouldn't care so much. He has truly hit rock bottom and says he cannot live without me, he cries on the phone and literally called me 50+ times one day cause I would not answer the phone. He is very, very depressed and does not care if he lives anymore. He is a ticking time bomb and has a very bad temper. I am the only person he has ever felt love for, and he has lost me so he sees no reason to care about anything. I am very, very torn. I still am very much in love with him but I know this divorce is inevitable because I had to remove myself and my son from the drama. I cannot reach him mentally, I've tried talking to him to help ease the pain but I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to help him and I feel I am leading him on and making things worse for him. We've tried no contact but one of us, usually he, keeps calling and it doesn't last long at all. When I call it's because I'm so afraid he's dead somewhere. I know it's making it worse when I do this. How can I feel less guilty and what can I say to him/do that will help him through this? I am very, very depressed and I cry all the time over him. Please help!
  16. Well theres this girl that I like alot and I am tring to figure out if she is falling for me or if this is all nothing...... she is my best friends upstairs neighbor in his 3 apt complex (hes in basment she is 1st floor) and we ended up meeting her about 3 months ago when they all moved in there. I didn't hang to much with my friend and his neighbor they drank like everyday.......so I joined in with their drinking all the time and I got to drunk one time and my friend got mad cause she kept giving me shots so he ordered me to sleep upstairs in her appt. nothing happened we slept like 4 feet apart lol...... then days progressed and I started spending nights there and end up staying there the next few days each time sleeping and cuddling with her....... I sleep there alot..... we kiss ALOT when were drunk and we have had sex 3 times 2 times with a decent ammount of drinks and 1 time pretty legit not many drinks....... We have never had sex when not drinking but that may be because we are both very shy (I am alittle more) we kiss sometimes when were 100% legit but not to often like when were drunk....... but she invited me to stay the past few nights where there were no alcohol at all so I dunno.... we talk about having a relationship and she dont think it would work cause she is 23 and I am 18 and she has 2 kids.... last night she had 2 dreams about me also when she awoke she told me them right away...... I dont know where she is going from here I dont know her intentions she is allmost divorced (there separated now). Thanks
  17. Alright..This is really hard for me, but i am trying to break up with my boyfriend of 19 months. For a really long time now we fight constantly, to the point where i don't even want to be around him anymore, because I know sooner or later it will turn into an argument. Not just a little argument, it has got physical at times, and then the emotional abuse comes out, and by the time we both calm down, i feel like i have lost my mind. I am not going to tell you that I probably didn't have anything to do with the arguments, but the thing with my boyfriend is, is that he is extremely controling, to the point where he hates my family, my best friend and every other support system i have. He is overly critical of all of my friends and even my family. I feel at times he wishes he could get me away from them, so he can have me all to himself, and just control everything i do. The problem i am having now is, that the week after Christmas we broke up because he made a comment to my grandmother, about how she baby's me and that im going to turn out just as screwed up as my mother, now not only did he hurt my grandmother, he hurt me too. I didn't see him for that week, we had plans for new years and i didn't go with him, and then i finally broke down and saw him (which was very stupid). I wanted to try it again, even though there are sooo many RED FLAG on why i should stay away, i just couldn't. The first day we hung out it was wonderful, but as the time went on, i found him doing the same things he was doing before, and even though i wanted to come back with an open mind, he sucked me back in and we went right back to fighting like crazy, to the point where i felt like i was losing my mind. He yet hasn't apologized about the comment he made about my mother, in fact he blames it on my grandmother, because he says,"she's always sticking her nose into our business." Keep in mind he was screaming at me in her driveway in the middle of town and all she told him was to lower his voice. I know i need to leave, and its so easy to say, that this time i really am going to do it, and i really want to because for the last 19 months its been the same thing. and the other day he told me that i don't even do anything for this relationship. However, he wants to get an apartment together, we fight like cats and dogs yet he wants to live together, which is something i don't really understand. But he justifies it by saying i think it will help us, and its something we really need. I haven't been able to commit to it because i know its not what i want. I am happy where I am right now, and I have a lot of other things to focus on right now than moving in with him. A few months ago my father was in a really bad 4-wheeling accident, and he was in a coma for 3 weeks and in the trauma unit of the hospital, he is better, but living in a nursing home now with a serious brain injury. I am trying to go to school, work, look after my father ( im the only child my parents are divorced and i have to take care of all his bills and whatnot) plus try to have a life for myself. And he just doesn't get that, he hasn't been compassionate or even empathetic about the whole situation since it happened, in fact there are many times when i tried to have a conversation with him about it, and he just tells me i shouldn't cry, i shouldn't be angry i should just get over it because its my reality, which is true but sometimes you want your "partner" to just be there for a shoulder to cry on (am I wrong?) I feel that i have just completely lost myself throughout this whole relationship, he just takes everything he can get from me, and says well i see other people walk all over you, and sometimes i just figure she lets other people do it, so i might as well do it too. I feel like such a fool, i used to watch talk shows about girls that had boyfriends like this, and would always think they are so stupid why don't they just leave, but now that i am one i realize that its just not that easy. And part of me thinks that the only reason i really did go back was because he was my comfort zone, ironically i don't even feel comfortable around him. Its alright when i am angry, but then the sadness sets in and the guilt and i feel like i should go back, because he really doesn't have anyone. I mean he could because everyone (his whole family and even mine) have tried to help him get on his feet (recovering drug addict/alcoholic) but he just takes from everyone until they have nothing left to give, and then he just tells them to F off. I don't know i just really wanted to share my feelings right now, and any advice would be wonderful, i just need a way to just stay away for real this time, because i have been given so many chances and i don't want to do it anymore, i love him but i just can't be with him anymore, and it hurts so bad to say that, but he is impossible to be with when everytime i turn around he hurts me. Thanks.....
  18. As some of you may have seen in my previous posts, I really like this guy in band and I don't know how to initiate anything. Here's my dilemma... I drop a lot of hints. I've /been/ dropping hints since I got into the liking-boys game. Never once have I actually done anything aside from dropping hints, and of course, it's gotten me nowhere and I'm pretty tired of it. I feel like I should tell him I like him or ask him out, but there's more to it... I have a friend who is VERY dramatic and can't seem to function normally without a boyfriend -- or so she makes it seem. She has this backward logic that you're supposed to go out with someone to get to know them (I think she got that idea from her mother... she's on her 3rd husband, and they've already planned when they're going to divorce). I really want to become friends with the guy I like BEFORE I ask him out, so I don't end up like my friend and her mother, but that's not exactly a quick process. At the same time, I feel pressured to go through with it because I'm slowly running out of time (I'm a freshman and he's a junior... I don't want him to graduate before I finally gather up courage). If I do ask him out before becoming better friends, I don't know how or where I'd do it. He's very laid-back and very un-romantic -- as am I -- and whenever I see him it's in an atmosphere where it's kind of hard to "confess undying love," if you know what I mean. I'm pretty confused. Help. And sorry about the length of this thing.
  19. Hi, Those who remember my tale, will know that about 9 months ago I split up with wife/gf of 7 years after she needed some space(Pretty much the same as everybody here) with the agreement that it would be a full separation. We were due to see each other after 4 months on NC and her father died unexpectedly and I phoned her as soon as I knew to offer my condolences and offered to come ans see her, which she declined and I finished off by saying if she need anything, please call me. We had our planned meeting about 2 days after that and although she was very upset we we talked about us where I said I think we should get back together, to which she replied that she coulnt see it now. I was seeing another girl and I mentioned it to her, which was not for effect but because I wanted to be honest with her. It was part of our agreement that we could date and I know she had been seeing other guys A week later she sends me an email that she thinks divorce is the best way forward and we met up and it was all amicable and I said that yes if that was what she wanted then I would grant it. All this time I had made it clear that I was willing to try and work things out. All the time she insisted that she still loved me but she had to sort her own head out etc etc I sent her an email now(4.5 months later ) requesting a few bits of info to start proceedings and a bit of news about how I am. Nothing too detailed to whoich she replied wioth a newsy letter with a few strange things She said that she was angry with me for not being there when she needed me with the death of her father and had to accept that I would not be her friend for a long time. She also said that the divorce was a decision made in anger Because I didnt care about the death of her father becuase I had just brought up the divorce because I needed to let my girlfriend know. She said she had dealt woith it and it didnt matter any more Now, my thoughts where that I didnt want to further confuse the issue as we where officially NC and by being around so she had to deal with me and the death of her father. I put the ball in her court by saying that I would be there if she needed me. This is all getting used against me now and I am hurt and confused by the last bit of correspondence. I feel that events have been twisted against me and that these are very unfair accusations. The problem is I still love this girl with every ounce of my being and that is why this hurts so much. I am starting to think that I did the wrong thing, even though she wanted me to move on(Her exact words when she asked me for the divorce). Now I dont know what to do. I have offered to see her as a friend so I can sort some of this stuff out but I just feel like I am getting blamed for somthing she went through with and I am really not sure what she wants and what I was supposed to do It just feels like she initiated the split, she didnt want to try again after 4 months, she wanted the divorce and now I get blamed for scr3wing it all up?!?!?!? I am so hurt and confused I dont know wether to laught or cry. I thought I was getting over this but I feel like I am back to sq 1. Any insights appreciated as I dont have any anymore
  20. I'm sitting here crying as I type this. I have been with my husband for what will be 6 years in June. We have been married 3 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. When I met my husband he was everything I could ever dream of. True he and I were quite opposite in many ways but we seemed to compliment each other wonderfully and it was never an issue. The change seemed to come after we were married and even more so after we had our daughter. Our daughter has never been an easy baby. She had colic for 5 months and she has speech issues now. She takes a lot of our energy with her temper tantrums and stubborness. She's a very high maintanence child. My husband seems to have come to the conclusion that now that we are married with a child he does not have to work at our relationship anymore. He is always complaining he is too tired to go out with me alone, with other couples or as a family with our daughter. He says he doesn't care if we have any friends. He complains I am sociable and he is not and I knew that when I married him. Well no I did not because before our daughter came along we did a lot of socializing and at the places he wanted to do it. When he is home he complains he doesn't like to be cooped up in the house so he makes excuses that there are things he needs to do outside in his garage and he leaves me inside with our daughter. I am a stay at home mom so I am home with her all day on top of that. My husband is a construction worker who is self employed on a 2 man team so we don't have health insurance, our daughter does but it's through the state. I can't get a full time job because we don't have any family members who can watch our daughter and we can't afford daycare on the pay I would be making. I do not have enough skills at the moment to get more than a minimum wage job. I was going to go back to college but when my daughter was born I had to put those plans on hold. I would like to get a part time job but because of my husband's schedule which is based on the weather and also varies from day to day and job to job, I cannot commit to an actual starting time of a shift because my husband comes home at different times every night. My husband does not call to say when he'll be late and there are times he is home 2 hours befoe I even know it because he goes into his garage which is behind the house via another driveway. My husband also cannot go a day without at least 4 beers and while this doesn't bother me because he does not get drunk and he claims it's his way to relax what does bother me is that if we go to a function or on a visit to someone's house where there is no beer available my husband is miserable the entire time we are there. Our sex life is almost non-existant and when we do get time it only lasts 5 minutes. I have told my husband that I am not happy with our life. I love him dearly and I have no doubts he loves me but I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I am thinking divorce. I am very scared because being a stay at home mom I have nothing to my name. When I mention divorce he gets upset and tells me he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me. My family says if I leave I will be wrecking everyone's lives, including theirs. They think I should try to change my husband and "teach" him to be a more social, emotional person. He wasn't raised that way. His parent's marriage is even more dysfunctional than ours. My parent's marriage is very, very healthy. I can't live like this anymore but I can't bear the thought of hurting my husband. I love him but I don't love our life! Is there anyone out there who can lend some advice? Anyone else out there who has been through a similar situation?
  21. Hi, I've just joined and this looks like a really good place to come and get some advice. Well I'm my 30's and after being married and getting divorced etc, all this dating stuff is pretty new to me these days. I've had fun reading through all the other posts, I noticed most people seem to post about sex rather than romance, LOL! but there have been some really interesting topics I must say. Anyway, here's my question. I've just started dating some guy that I really like. Now this time I have vowed to myself not to have sex too early on as I've done this before and I really regretted it. So, what do you guys think about inviting each other back to their home? You see the thing is we are supposed to be going out this weekend and I was going to meet him at the venue. But he's offered to come and pick me up in his nice new car. When he drops me home I'm gonna feel rude not asking him back in for a coffee, but I don't want things to get carried away. Or do you just say, well you can come in but I'm not going to sleep with you. We've only been on a couple of dates, but we've really gelled and he's easy to talk to. I could tell him straight what I'm thinking so that's not a problem I just don't want to appear rude for not asking him back in.
  22. Ok, I was just wondering if there is perhaps a cycle to life. Lets just say that you had a first love that you have never forgotten. You got married and had a life apart from them. Somewhere along the way you knew you made a horrible mistake and divorced. Years later you run into your first love and the chemistry was still there Has this happened to anyone? If so was it a happy ending?
  23. ok so here is the story. im divorced with two kids. we have been together for almost 2 yrs and living together for the last 5 months. she is 10 yrs younger than i. im 35. she is moving out because she feels that when my kids are there she feels traped and left out and all that. she thinks moving out will make it better for us and the kids because she will only have to be there if she is in the mood for kids and that goes with it when they are there. is this fair to me? i mean she will be at my place whern the kids are not there but when the kids are with me she can go to her place if she wants. does this seem ok to you? she says it will be fun having 2 places and she will still be around as much or more than now because they are on her terms. i dont know... anyone????
  24. I know that for many of you you have been on this forum have read numerous times about "the other woman".. I also have read all of the other girls, and what they did and the responces gave to them.. but I still seem to have this nagging part in my brain saying "it'll work for me".. Here's my problem: I am completely totally in love with a married man. I knew that he was married when I met him. He was my boss at work.. we barely spoke to each other.. I thought that he was gorgeous, but would never ever say anything to him.. until one day I looked over at him and he looked at me, and I just knew.. I had to tell him. So I did. I sat down with him at work at we talked for 5 hours non stop... and then the next day we did the same thing. He goes out of town a lot... he owns many business that he has to travel to and make sure are running correctly.. put people in their places, check on paperwork, collect money.. that kind of stuff. After two weeks of constantly talking inside of work and outside (he usually only work on Fridays and Saturdays, but started working almost everyday) he invited me to travel with him to one of the cities that he had to go to.. I said no because I wasn't really sure it was a good thing to do.. after all he was married. . and everyone that I worked with knew his wife, she use to work at the same place. Two weeks later, after continuing to talk constantly he asks me again.. I agree and go. No sex, just complete relaxation and awesome conversation and all around wonderful time.. I got to see him outside of work life which was very different.. good different.. he is very loving and adoring and just perfect. Months later we were still doing the same thing, talking all the time, he would come see me at my place everyday after the gym and I would see him at work or after I got off of work at a club. Out town is very small and everyone knows everyone so when they saw us out together (although not overly affectionate) of corse started talking.. we both denied anything happening. Months later I fell in love with him.. everything about him I loved, his faults and strenghs. We had talked numerous times about him and his wife and family (he has a 14 year old from a previous relationship that he's always had custody of, and a two year old from his current) and he would say how his wife is beautiful, a wonderful mother to their child, sweet and intelligent but they met at the wrong place. He said that when they met they both were into partying a lot.. and that they never really got to see each other true sides besides the times they were partying. So when they got married and decided to stop partying they found out that they don't compate well with each other... she is Russian and I guess from what I have heard about them from many people, not just him.. they aren't very affectionate at all.. and that's what he said was the only thing that was missing... she didn't know how to be affectionate and did want to learn how and didn't want him to be.. but they were before because of the scene they were in. The only reason that he says he's afraid to leave is because of him children. I completely understand.. if I had children I might forget what I wanted out of the relationship to have the children be with their father. The 14 year old and the two year old have formed a bond that children do and he would hate to break it.. plus she has mentioned that she would clean him out if they ever did break up.. he is very sucessful and she wouldn't sign a pre-nup. (I would sign a pre-nup because I don't want him money, or property.. just him). So now I am left with this.. I seriously without a doubt 110% completely love him... completely support him in any decision he makes... whether it is to be with me or not.. you can not stress about things that you can not control. We have also talked many times about our trust.. since we've started out not being honest to his wife (and I have meet her on a many occasions, very nice very pretty) I wondered like everyone else how I could trust him even if we did rise above everyone else and stayed together.. and we came to an agreement and understanding. I just wonder what's going to happen.. whether he is going to end up divorcing her or not. He has said many times that she is definitally not happy because she says it all the time.. from what I hear at work from her friends, she says they are about to get a divorce. . honestly I think she is definitally cheating because she has everything she wants, doesn't have to work, is young and has a husband that travels 3 weeks out of the month.. she is seen all around town with other men. They just need to divorce.. and move on. ... their children will be fine as long as he doesn't move far away (we've talked about moving into a house right down the road) and the children still see each other. I kinda just want some feedback. Sorry this was so long!!!
  25. I know better. I know better. please forgive this long post; i need a reality check from you people! I know better. Seriously, I really do know that when someone says "I'm confused." they mean "I'm so confused I cant even be trusted to be kind and honest in this situation, and I don't know if i Love you anymore and you should run for your life unless I come to your house someday bang on the door and say I'm no longer confused." but I am really going in for the long version on pain here. we had a great time, then we had a bad time, then we fought, then i told him on thanksgiving i thought it wasn't working, then i went away for 2 weeks, foudn out that before I had even gone away, he had posted an online ad -- a personal ad--he said he was just clowning around with friends, which is absurdly immature (he's in his 30's and has been divorced) anyway, he said please please don't break up.so i didn't. so i get home and he has decided yes, indeed, he is confused and couldn't say he did, or didn't, love me. i know--run like hell. instead, i'm seeing him sunday night. i don't know what i expect. it's ridiculous. i can't seem to let go even though i think i'm just headed for more pain
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