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  1. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  2. We were together 12y, married 3, and have a 8 month old. Anywho its been a heck of a saga, but she showed her hand and it was the last straw. Last tuesday I officially had filed for divorce, and im now going through the process. I wont waste time talking about her more, but am trying to figure out my path forward after this 12y saga. What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new. Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks
  3. We've been together for 7 years, with two children, son was 6 and daughter was 2. My wife started attending a boot camp in Irvine CA. One month later she established a password on her IPhone and notebook. She was getting and writing messages while I can't see it. Once I walked in to kitchen and saw her rapidly closing one tab on safari browser. She started spending a lots of time in the front of the mirror and wearing sexy clothes before she went to gym. Every Thursday when her trainer was having day off she would come back from "gym" not sweaty and with all her makeup in tact. Finally i ran on to her facebook messages with her personal trainer Jose: Him: "You smell so good, I still have it on me", Her: "I'm so sore this morning, I can barely move, you killed me:)))". Then later she accidentally called me through Skype, I did not answer by some reason, Long message was left with all the details while having sex in her car that I bought for her. I have posted screen shots of all facebook messages on boot camp facebook page. Owner of camp contacted me and promised to take some action. But nothing was done. Jose's popularity among female customers was too high, and he never fired him. I filed divorce withing 15 days. Jose is still employed by the boot camp, my children went through hell due to separation of parents. Can anyone advice what is the best legal action i can take against this personal trainer? Thank you.
  4. I'm really struggling right now with my husband. We're both 24, married for over a year. I feel as if he has lost interest in our marriage and myself. He says he hasn't, but I think differently. He doesn't want to talk much, he would rather play games on his phone or computer than do anything with me. He doesn't want to have sex, he just doesn't care. We have been seeing a therapist together, but that hasn't been overly helpful. These issues have been going on for months, before we got married, everything was great, we had been together for 5 years. A few weeks ago we went on vacation in hopes to help our relationship and it didn't help at all. We rented a house in different state with a private pool. He didn't want to go out and do anything, see anything, etc. He spent 95% of the time in the living area playing games on his tablet, or talking to his "gamer friends" on this chat thing. So while he was doing that, I was enjoying my time around and in the pool. He didn't once want to join me outside or in the pool. I also walked around the house completely nude and spent my time outside nude, and he didn't even blink an eye at that, no comments, no acknowledgment. NOTHING. I made a super nice dinner and ate outside nude, no compliments or anything. It was a disappointing trip. Now that has passed and I'm considering divorce, he doesn't think we have any issues, I'm just at a complete loss as to what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.
  5. Hi Folks, I thought I'd write up some tips on how to cope with finding out your ex-partner cheated on you and then left you for that person. My 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended last April. He emotionally cheated on me with a married woman and then left me for her. To my knowledge they are currently in a committed relationship but keeping it a secret. This forum has been supportive to me and is filled with amazing people who give spectacular advice, but I thought it would be fun to write a post to address almost everything that I wish I knew 3 months ago but didn't know at the time. I truly hope this helps someone struggling with a breakup that involves the ex cheating and leaving you or immediately rebounding. I'd love feedback and discussion! Also, forgive me for my writing style. It's a work in progress. 1. Cheating is wrong!!! You may notice that after cheating, your ex may justify it, talk about the issues in the relationship that LED TO the cheating, and ultimately minimize what happened. There are no excuses for cheating. Cheating is a choice. People do not magically cheat, it does not JUST HAPPEN, your partner chose to cheat on you and lie to you about it. Accept that and any time your ex tries to blame relationship issues on cheating then cut them off and move on. If you want to discuss the relationship issues, that's cool, but NEVER allow your ex to blame you for cheating. Even if your relationship was pretty bad towards the end, there are other options than just cheating. 2. React to the pain you feel about the cheating. There is a trend I've seen with some posters on this forum. People who come back regretting not getting angry, not saying how they feel, not saying how badly they hurt, etc. You have been hurt. If you want to react, and if you found out about the cheating in the last couple of weeks (DO NOT do this if it's been more than a month and your ex is not reaching out to you) then go for it. React! Be angry and be careful about what words you choose to use since they will be held against you. Here's a snippet of what I said to my ex, " I love you so much, I thought you were the man I was going to marry. I'm shocked that you did this to me. You hurt me more deeply than I can imagine. Yes, we had some problems in our relationship but I was happy to work them out with you. Instead you chose to cheat and hurt me. You DO NOT deserve to be in my life for these selfish actions. I am so angry at the ways you have hurt me and will never understand... blah blah.[/i]" You get the drift. Say what you like but strive to be the bigger, better person. Don't say things you will regret or that will be taken out of context. If possible write an email. Do not talk on the phone or in person since your ex will likely spin everything you say and you'll end up not making the point you want to make. 3. Be honest about your feelings. After the breakup I told my ex that I loved him more than anyone, I'm disappointed in him, I thought he was better than this, that I wasn't perfect but I still didn't deserve this pain. I was honest about how short-lived this new relationship likely will last and told him that he broke my heart. I have ALWAYS been honest with him. I did not play games, try to act like I was moving on or that things were cool between us. However, I didn't beg for him back and toss out my self-respect. Be honest. If your ex treated you like trash then say it. If you want to add that you thought your ex was the love of your life, then go for it. This is your time to be honest about how you feel and trust me, if you do it months later, it will be awkward, petty and you'll feel ridiculous. Get it out now and move on. There's no going back at this point. The later you do this, the more ridiculous you will sound. 3. Go No Contact (NC)!!! Alright, you found out about the cheating, vented, heard him/her out. Go NC. Go NC immediately. There's nothing else to say or do. I believed that my ex might snap out of it, he'd come back begging with sweet and sincere actions, that he'd cut her off and finally focus on me. Well that did NOT happen. What did happen? Random 6 page emails saying how much he loved and missed me and how much he was hurting, he showed up at my job randomly with a gift while the other woman was visiting him, he begged me to come and see him, he sent me texts and emails saying he was thinking, loving and missing me. But this meant NOTHING. He showed no remorse over his actions and ultimately thought cheating and leaving me was the best decision. I kept in contact with him cause I thought he would see the light. He did NOT and now I've deterred MY healing. Please DO NOT make my mistake. I am talking to a few people in this forum who have made this exact mistake and regret it. Go NC. Get your dignity and self-respect back. Your ex WILL NOT know what he lost until you are gone for however many months or years it takes. Sad, but true. 4. Scream, cry, weep and do it all over again. Being cheated and left for someone else is one of the worst things a partner can do to someone. You will feel pain. Most likely this will be the worst emotional pain you have ever endured. Feel that pain. Take some sick days from work and school. Stay home and cry. Invite a friend over and cry with them. Get all the feelings out and cry. You will be in quite a bit of pain for a few weeks or months past this point, so the best way to learn how to cope with the pain is to accept that this pain is a normal part of the healing process. The more you ignore the pain, the harder it will be for you to cope in the future. 5. NC does not make your ex forget you. During the beginning of NC you will have intense fears that NC will make your ex think that you don't care and they will slowly forget you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an accurate quote when it comes to love. If your ex had any feelings for you, then they will miss you. Every ex I have ever had, I still think about. I do not just forget people. It doesn't matter who dumped who, if the breakup was bad, if the relationship was bad or whatever. I did not forget them and again, many of my exes I have not spoken with in years. I still think about an ex that I knew for 6 months and haven't talked to in about 4 years with the exception of 2 random emails, the last one which he ignored. Again, if there were any strong feelings, NC will only make them miss you AND will make them contemplate if leaving you was the best decision for them. I have exes who I haven't spoke to in over a year who can still remember details of our time together that I had completely forgotten. 6. Do not rationalize with your ex and think you can change his/her mind. After you cried endlessly you may start imagining movies where someone goes running back to their exes and having a 2 minute dialogue about how they can make this work, and then bam, they sail off into the wind. I DO REGRET thinking for a second I could change my ex-boyfriend's mind. What I've learned from infidelity forums and articles about cheating and people who leave you for someone else, is that in their mind they have rationalized it. Does it make it rational, sound, a good idea? Hell no! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, no matter how bad the situation may seem. But unfortunately for us, our exes have rationalized this in their mind. This does not mean they may not change their mind. But seriously, if your ex implies this was the right decision for them then by all means believe that your ex believes it. Your ex may be in denial, lying to themselves and everyone around them, or not thinking straight but your ex believes it. No amount of arguing will change their mind. No amount of getting your friends and family to talk to your ex will change their minds. Your ex has made up their mind and will learn the hard way what cheating truly results in. You know the truth, you know how messed up this all is, and that's all you can be concerned about. You may want your ex to hear your side, but trust me, it wont change a thing. I know you are probably reading this and thinking BUT, or how you are the exception and can make your ex see reason, etc. Well here's a reality check. You wont. Your ex can only come to that conclusion on their own. 7. Do not feel guilty for wanting your cheating ex back initially. We have all been there. Just like your ex rationalized cheating on you, you will rationalize being with your ex. All of a sudden your relationship will seem "perfect", you'll minimize red flags, your ex will become this sad, hurt and cute animal that you must save and you will convince yourself that life cannot go on without your ex. This is normal for the first couple of months after the incident. Eventually, with the use of NC, these feelings will fade. You'll see your ex as a person and not a timeless piece of love and erotica. Eventually you'll see his/her flaws, feel more disgusted at the thought of being with them and the moments where you miss their presence will gradually fade. Just remember these feelings are 100% normal. 8. Try to stop the self-blame. Whatever happens, this was NOT your fault. Couples with issues talk about it and work things out. It's not your fault your ex DID NOT communicate these issues to you. During the last month my ex and I were together, I remember many moments of me holding him and asking him how he felt about "us". He looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead and said we were better together, how he wanted to marry me, how I was the one for him while secretly plotting to meet up with this other woman. I don't know if it's denial on their parts or if they are just lying to themselves and us, but DO NOT dwell on the what if's and the problems you had in your relationship. Every relationship has problems. A mature and loving partner works through it, gives it a fighting chance, and doesn't just run at the first spark of danger. 9. Be prepared to build new and stronger friendships and cut out quite a few people in your life. One of the hardest things was dealing with the aftermath of my ex telling people why we broke up. Your ex will likely not paint you out in a sweet manner to family and friends. Lies will be told, truths exaggerated, things will be taken out of context. My ex, for instance, told people that I disliked him which is why he found himself attracted to another woman. He said this because at one point I told him I found ONE thing he did as annoying, during a discussion where he was pointing out my flaws. I've always liked and loved my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, all these mistruths and lies painted me out negatively. As a result, a few people who I thought were friends de-friended me. Obviously speaking with his family, who I adore, was not an option. Use this period to make new and lasting friendships. If someone doesn't believe you, CUT THEM OFF and move on. Life is too short to be around people who want to paint you out as the bad guy. 10. Please be patient with yourself. It's hard when your ex SEEMS to be moving on and having a wonderful life while you sit around pining for the person you were in love with. It's hard to be open to dating. Your friends may tell you to move on, your ex is a jerk, get over it, it'll get better everyday. Sorry but that's not true. Over time things will get better but the next couple of months, with NC (you will only hurt yourself by talking to your ex) will be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you'll think you are over your ex and the next day you'll be in tears wishing he/she was lying next to you in bed. Everything takes time. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to feel better. You will feel better when you feel better. Now I've resigned myself to keep improving my life and reminding myself that everything is still fresh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. Just keep moving forward. Take it slow and be patient. 11. Slowly accept that the relationship you thought you had is gone. It is completely over. Even if you get back together with your ex, it will be different and new again. It's okay to miss the old times and to become nostalgic but eventually you need to accept that what you had is over. Just like other relationships in life, it's time to say goodbye and look towards the future. 12. You are not replaceable. Right after the breakup, I kept wondering how he could replace me. The truth is, people are not replaceable. The bond you create with someone is special and meaningful. If that was not the case, humans could fall in love with any random stranger in any given moment. Infidelity brings out our greatest insecurities. It's normal to exaggerate your flaws and wonder what is wrong with you. After finding out about the infidelity I wondered if I should have been more cuddly or if he wouldn't have cheated if I'd spent less time asking him what he wants for dinner. Silly, right? Well those were thoughts I was CONSUMED by right after I found out. It's normal and take this time to battle those thoughts. Utilize therapy, friends, family, ENA and whoever else to build up your self-confidence and see that you are a special person that cannot be replaced. Yes, you have flaws but everyone has flaws, including your ex. 13. Stop comparing yourself to the new person. Initially, you will hate the other woman or man. That's a normal feeling that may never go away. However, stop judging yourself. Believing your shortness isn't attractive because your ex chose to sleep with a woman who is taller is downright silly. Constantly needing your friends to tell you that you are a better, more attractive catch is also tedious and a waste of time. I will say this. Most people who cheat, usually downgrade. They have chosen a partner who is okay with lying, cheating and is selfish enough to help destroy a long term relationship. They have chosen a partner who only cares about their feelings over YOURS, the hurt person who has been cheated on. And if this person who they cheated with is your friend, coworker or someone who knows you, then that is even more disrespectful. So trust me, your ex downgraded on that fact alone. Other than that don't compare. You'll drive yourself crazy. I have seen people wonder if they are a good catch just because their partner cheated and these are women and men who are very attractive, successful and wonderful people. Your ex likely chose the new person because they filled a void, NOT because they are hotter, more successful and overall a better catch. 14. Your ex is thinking about you and misses you. A common worry to the dumpee is that the other person simply forgot them. That's not how the human brain works. Who have you personally forgotten that easily? If you spend months and years with someone you just don't forget that person. I mean there was even a whole movie on this subject, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Your ex thinks about you and misses you. That's where the infamous breadcrumbs come from. I once had a guy dump me and stop talking to me for months. A year after the breakup, his new girlfriend told me he talked about me quite a bit and regretted losing me. I had absolutely no idea. Just remember that unless you were dating a heartless sociopath, that person is likely thinking and missing you in their own way. 15. Be realistic about the relationship you had. After you've been in NC for a few weeks, it's time to reflect the relationship. Was it really all that great? Were you actually happy? Are you a good match? This process will take months. At first you may believe you were perfect together, later you may believe the relationship was mostly good, then you'll identify the red flags, see even more red flags, feel disgusted by that person and realize the relationship wasn't all that wonderful in the first place. Again this will take weeks or months to process and fully accept. 16. Don't dwell on whether the relationship with the new person works out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Let's say your ex and the new partner break up. How would you feel if your ex goes on a dating site immediately or gets a new partner? What if they don't contact you after the relationship blows up in their faces? Will you continue to put your life on hold wondering who your ex is dating? There will be many people who will say the relationship will not work out. Here's the truth. It's unlikely to work out, but there's a chance it will work out. You will only hurt yourself counting the days and months till the new relationship fails. Statistically most relationships fail but you can't use that as a sole indicator of what will happen. Just like it's unlikely you'll get in a car accident after work today, it does happen to some people. Do yourself a favor and don't assume the relationship will work or wont work out. Again, you will cause yourself more pain. Also, for the record, there are stories of people who are with the person they cheated with for years until a breakup or divorce happens. And then that person tries to get back with the person they cheated on. Do you want to wait years? Would you really want to be with a cheating partner who requires years of being with someone else to realize they want you? These are all things to think about. 17. Don't get caught up on the karma bus. Just like my last comment, it's likely that karma will occur. People who treat others with disrespect tend to have bad things happen to them eventually. The truth is you may not see it. An even sadder truth is that it may not happen. Honestly, everyone has bad luck. I don't know anyone who just has a wonderful happy, carefree life all the time. I'm sure your ex will hit some bad luck soon enough. Eventually you'll need to be the bigger person and not wish harm upon someone else. I'm at a stage where I don't wish misery on my ex but I do want him to really reflect on his actions and learn from them. Instead of wishing for karma, wish that your ex becomes a better person and owns up to their mistakes. 18. Stop focusing on whether your ex will change. Trust me, they very rarely do. If a cheating partner TRULY changes, they will apologize to you for hurting you. Every person who has hurt me AND changed, eventually came back and apologized for their actions. This doesn't mean we have to be together, be friends or be part of each other's lives, but it does show a huge step of maturity for them. If your ex never apologizes nor shows remorse for hurting you sometime far in the future, then assume they haven't changed. Cheaters rarely change. But when and if they do, they'll own up to it and at least give an apology and try to make amends. 19. People don't forget the way you treated them. If you were truly a wonderful partner, then your ex will always remember that. I treated my ex like a king, and no matter what he thinks or does, I know when he looks back at our relationship, I'll always be the woman who did X, Y and Z. I'm always proud of that. I want to leave good imprints in people's lives. You should focus on doing the same. Whatever happens always be the bigger and better person with your ex. Don't spread rumors. Don't tell everyone and their friends what happened just to make people hate your ex. Don't get revenge. Don't use people by having random sex and breaking hearts along the way. This is how wonderful, nice, and decent people become jerks themselves. 20. The world is bigger than this. Many of us, myself included, believe their world is destroyed because of the infidelity. All of a sudden everyone seems evil, unworthy of trust and we question what the point of having a relationship is all about. Some of these feelings are normal during the beginning of a breakup but long-term this is a big problem. Remember that as bad as infidelity and breakups are, the world is full of people suffering in many other ways. There are beautiful relationships and marriages that have trust, respect and communication. And sometimes, this is just another obstacle we have to overcome. Remember that no matter how you feel, the world is bigger than this, much bigger. Don't let someone disrespecting and hurting you change your views on humanity and love. 21. Do not respond to breadcrumbs and most importantly do NOT give your ex the light of day until they apologize. This is a specific situation where an apology is NEEDED since your ex betrayed you and hurt you deeply. Breaking up can be a good thing for a couple but once cheating has occurred, that needs to be apologized for. My ex has NEVER apologized to me for cheating. He will cry and say he's broken hearted but NEVER say he's sorry for cheating on me. Until an ex apologizes for cheating, then there is no room for anything else. Go NC and stick with it. If your ex comes to his.her senses, and hopefully they will, they will apologize. Even if the ex and the other person work out and sail into the stars, if your ex truly changes then they will own up and apologize. 22. You do deserve better. Hundreds of people will say this to you but the meaning remains the same. You deserve better than cheating. Don't forget that.
  6. Hey all, Im new to this forum (Hey!) found the link via google search. Looking for some advice on a recent break up i went through that is eating me up a little. Totally realise im a stranger and that this is my side of a 2 sided story, but thank you in advance. I met my EX 4 years ago, we took things slow to begin with as we both had children from prior relationships - but it went well. We have always done fun things together, going out, travelling etc and have always had a good level of intimacy. Last year, around June - she had a break down - largely driven by not fully addressing the divorce she went through after 17 years (they got married at 16, he cheated on her a left is the gist of it). She went to therapy but had to take a period of leave from her job to focus on her energy levels etc. Things had certainly changed, but we go through it with support and love. In January this year she tells me she loves me but wants to figure some things out in her head and she asked for a brief break. We agree to a no contact but she would occasionally reach out to have some intimacy. I realise i should have walked away and kept away, but i loved her and wanted things to work out. Fast forward to March and we get back together and its amazing and full of love. The passion came back instantly and we had healthy conversations about the future. 3 weeks ago she asked me if i wanted to buy an house together with her, we saw some and even put in a few bids. We also brought up babies and marriage as a thing to start thinking about. She started work again but quickly got tired again and distant. On monday this week, after a fun weekend together, we go for a meal together (ribs! yes!) and as we finish ordering the food - she says to me (obviously paraphrasing a little): I love you alot; your an amazing person, great with my kids and i love being around you and what we do.. but i think there is someone better out there for me and im wiling to roll that dice. Now, obviously im startled by it (and yes i may have missed signs, but last Wednesday she told me the day we spent together was "perfect"). I ask if there is someone else; she assures me there isnt and its just that she got back with me due to the corona lockdown and she doesn't think she can spend the rest of her life with me. She hugs me, kisses me and leaves. Im doing my best to not contact her and sort my own head out during this but the sudden change from love to goodbye is driving me crazy. ive been in break ups before, and broken up with people before but this just makes no sense to me. I should just leave it right? Has anyone experienced anything similar? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
  7. Hello dear ones, Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts. Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short. I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about. My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again. All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god. I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment. How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship? Thank you in advance.
  8. Hello all, I am writing this because I am currently stuck in the middle of a large friendship that is going through issues with two separate groups. This might sound confusing but to give some context, in this situation there are 12 friends including myself. To keep privacy I will use fake names. There are 6 guys (Bob, John, Kyle, Jacob, Will, & Brad) and 6 girls(Ericka, Peyton, Jasmine, Hannah, Olivia, Amber) 3 of the guys are currently dating 3 of the girls. (Bob & Ericka, John & Peyton, Kyle & Jasmine) Within the remaining 6, Jacob & Hannah got a divorce, Will and Olivia used to date a long time ago but now are really good friends and Brad (which is me) is currently trying to date Amber. The tensions stem down to when Jacob started to date Hannah. She joined our friend group and the two of them got married. She began to become great friends with everyone within the group and 5 of the guys and 2 of the girls were in the wedding. She became very close to everyone and things were great. Things got bad however, when the two of them started to have problems. She began to rely on 2 of the girls (Olivia & Amber) and also myself to reach out for advice and just overall have someone to talk to. Jacob also reached out to me for help and advice, so I was stuck in the middle here but they ended up getting a divorce. This started a tear in our group as the only people who would reach out to Hannah was Olivia, Amber and some of the guys including myself. Everyone else in the group would never really reach out to Hannah. Jacob and Hannah have buried the hatchet and they both told each other they don't want our friends to pick sides and want all of us to still be friends. But the problem currently is this: there is this tension between the girls. Hannah, Olivia & Amber have gotten very close and they still really like the other 3 girls, Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine, but they feel like they are not welcome whenever they all hang out. Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine do not start conversations with Hannah Olivia & Amber and they have told me that they feel like they don't invite them to do anything. While Hannah, Olivia & Amber have told me that they feel like Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine do not like them. I feel like there is a big misconception between the two groups. They both have the same mindset and I believe it can be resolved. The most recent scenario which has caused me to type all of this was this past weekend. It was Jasmine's birthday and she texted me and Will asking us if we wanted to go and included everyone else besides Hannah, Olivia & Amber. Those three found out that Jasmine had a get together and are upset and feel like it is the cherry on top to their thinking that none of the girls or even the guys like them. Out of everyone, I am closest to Olivia & Amber. I go to them about anything and everything and they consider me their best friend as well. They've contacted me about whether the other girls like them or not and they feel like they are being pushed out of this friend group. The scenario is weird because I feel like in a divorce or even a breakup you lose friends and people move on. Olivia & Amber have become so close to Hannah through being with her during the divorce that they don't want to leave her but at the same time really don't want to lose the rest of us. I could use some advice on what to do because I don't want to lose their friendships and I really believe it is a misconception that the girls don't like each other
  9. I can't stand my life anymore and I have to talk to somebody. The thing is, I don't want any attention from my family or friends so I can't talk to them but they're part of the problem anyway so this is the only place I can turn to. I am so withdrawn that I can barely talk to my family anyway so that is not an option. Here's my life in a nutshell. I am 38 years old but I have to live with my mom. My parents divorced when I was a teenager but my dad has gotten increasingly controlling and smothering and judgemental and negative, etc. so that's a constant source of stress for me. I got laid off from my good paying job 2 years ago and all I've been able to get are part time jobs, hence why I am stuck living here now. I haven't been on a date in 3 years and I have only had one real boyfriend in my life which was 10 years ago. I am so lonely for somebody to hold me, I dont even need sex, I just need someone to love who loves me back! I have been deprived of this for most of my life and the longer it becomes, the worse I feel. I have no interest in any jobs out there, I only take whatever I can get cuz I have to and then it makes me miserable. I am interested in a lot of subjects but I lose interest once I try to do it for a living. I have just lost the interest to work, period. I hate getting up in the morning, I have stopped exercising, I have shut myself down in almost every way possible. I hate talking to and being around my family, and I'm forced to live with my mom and my dad is always making things worse so every day is almost unbearable. I dont want to turn 40 and be alone, living with my mother, with a part time job I can't even survive off of. But that seems to be the way my life is heading and I can't stop it. I spend all my time fantasizing about how I want my life to be, but I know it isn't healthy to live in a fantasy world all day long, yet my life is so sucky I have to do it just to stay sane. I don't want to kill myself, but I dont see how my life can improve. I have tried everything I can think of, I just can't seem to fix it. Last week I had the happiest moment of my life, and I was sleeping. I was having a dream where I stole millions of dollars and escaped to my own island far out in the middle of the ocean, and it had a mansion on it and a secluded lagoon with crystal blue water, and I had a boyfriend, and I didn't have to work ever again, then I woke up and pretty much burst into tears right then and there. In the past I have posted about my problems on this and other sites but obviously I can't be helped or something, otherwise I wouldn't be in a worse situation now wishing I was dead! I am a spiritual person, believe it or not, and I believe what comes after this is perfect, and I just don't see the point in suffering with this crap.
  10. Greetings! I have read several articles and seen YouTube videos advising to NOT reach out to an ex on Christmas or the Holiday Season. However, my goal is not to get my ex-wife back, but simply to re-establish a bridge of communication for a potential friendship in the long-term. I absolutely have no intentions in a long-term reconciliation. A bit of history: my ex-wife left me 5.5 years ago to ''find herself'' after a 6-year marriage (she has been single since then). We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. She is still single, bitter, and her heart is full of anger towards me and life in general. Our mutual friends and myself, including therapists I spoke with in the past, suspect either bipolar disorder or narcissist (cops showing up in restaurants asking her to leave because she is yelling and lashing out at the server or a waitress, etc.). Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd. I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?'' Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication. Thank you in advance for the advice and kind regards!
  11. I am in the middle of a divorce (that my wife wanted). At first everything was my fault and I started to believe some of it until I found out there was someone else involved with her. At first she denied it and said they were just “good friends” and then I had proof of all the texting going on between the two and she couldn’t deny it anymore. She still said “he’s not the reason I’m leaving” “don’t tell anyone about this”. Typical cheater stuff. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 5. Both of us are 30 years old and we’ve known each other since elementary school. She had only known this guy for about 3 months before she moved out. (Yes never met him before in her life). I got the “I’ve been unhappy for awhile, he understands me, I’ve never felt this way before and the I love you but not in love with you”. I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce. All of our family (mine and hers) are on my side other than her sister in law who she’s living with now and who’s a big part of the problem. I exposed her affair and now she’s mad at me of course but still denies that’s why she’s leaving. BTW she’s already thinking marriage with this guy. Anyway my question is, how often will affairs last typically? Anyone had an affair before and been through something similar and realized it wasn’t what they thought? Thanks
  12. Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.
  13. Hi everyone. I decided to do my first post here, because of desperation and loneliness. I dont know who to talk to about this, and since Im not the only person who went through this, I know that some of you will understand my situation. I (25yrs) have been together with my girlfriend (24yrs) for 8 and a half years. Lived together 5 years. Beautiful times, she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me. We had so many adventures together, nice memories. We were planning to stay together, establish a family. We already had a common house, both of us started working , had good jobs and plans for future. She did not really have friends, and she also didnt have the best relationship with her family. I do sport, training and fighting as a hobby. She didnt have one. A year ago, she started doing a parapsychology course, where she obtained a certificate very fast, to become a trainer, teacher. She would change, as she became too spiritual, and always talked about this topic and had plans to make a career out of it, to hold lectures and courses in the future. Im not spiritually oriented, but I was glad that she has found a hobby and I was even supporting her in it. Then she told me, that the trainer who held these courses offered her the final certificate if they would teach and hold classes together in the future. It was suspicious to me, the red alert just kicked in. I told her, that I dont want her to travel with a man alone to other cities, for a weekend to hold lectures. She told me not to worry, since he is an old man with kids, and called me selfish for accusing. A week later she totally changed: became cold to me, avoided any physicality, whenever I approached her to talk she said she is tired and went to sleep. One morning, when I woke up to go to work, she was sitting on the couch, and she announced me that she is leaving me. She told me that she no longer loves me, that our relationship is not working anymore. I asked if she has someone, she denied. Told me she is moving to her cuisine. She wished me happiness, packed her things and left me after 8 and a half years, and never seen her again. She was not that social, while I was. Whatever the future would hold for me, I pictured her next to me, as I would never left her, not even for my career. When she got into this new spiritual environment, she changed immediately, and she left me on the first occasion. I dont know which one is worse.. that her love towards me could be ended in 2 weeks because of someone else.. or that she didnt love me for a long time and she was just acting in front of me. It was a shock for me, as I didnt see this coming. Not from her. She loved and cared about me so much and I loved her too. Always made me promise her, that I should never leave her. Two weeks before she left, we were on dates, she told me she loves me, we were planning our summer vacation.. and two weeks later she told me she didnt love me for a while. As it turned out she left me for this course trainer, a divorced man in his early 40s with 2 children.. Why would someone throw away her long time young love, for such a man? Is this really a future what a 24 year woman wants? Where is the logic in this? She just threw away our past, all the things we went through together, she threw away our possible future.. I still cannot process this. I really dont want to sound boastful.. but I finished university, speak 4 languages, have a good paying job, good looking, fit shape, had so many admirers through the years, even she was always jealous and feared I would leave her... I know theses things are not an excuse to love someone.. and I also dont want to play the victim.. its just that I never see that coming, and that I never ever felt anything like this before.. 2 days after she left, We talked in text messages afterwards, told me she didnt feel good with me anymore, admitted she already is in relationship.. She didnt want to talk to me even, when I only asked for proper explanation. All her things were gone from our house, she left so easily. Even after what she has done, when I saw an object that belonged to her in our house, or a present I bought her or she bought me, I just started crying. I became an emotinal zombie.. Im Just staring in front of me.. trying to understand what happened, trying to move on, but I always get dragged back. She was my soulmate, my love, best friend, we supported each other in everything. She was always more romantic than me, yet my love lasted longer for her.. I was always surrounded by women in the past.. could of had many chances, yet I always valued her more and loved her and wouldnt leave her for someone and give up our relationship. I imagined her as my future wife, even though she had her mistakes.. I was so sure that I can trust her.. that she would never do something like this, that she is the perfect person for me. Yet, she did the thing I expected the least.. especially from her. But the problem is.. whatever our relationship would have been, she imagined her future and her career in this field of parapsychology, in this city at that particular class.. so they would have spent time together, no matter what.. Unless we moved away.. How could I become so invaluable for someone who loved me so much? Did I really treat her that bad to deserve this? I had my mistakes for sure, but would have changed for her. The next 2 weeks felt like hell. Hardest time of my life. Im not an emotional person, but just kept crying. I was also not perfect.. did many mistakes, couldnt really express my love to her, but she knew I loved her. Thoughts of what could I have done differently haunt me all day, all night. I wonder if I was more gentle, or if I had propose her, would she have done the same? I just cant believe that someone so family oriented, lovable, trustful, caring, who was obsessed with me since high school, left me cold blooded in 1 week. I would have changed all my mistakes for her, but she didnt even want to talk. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy and to stay together. I never received any last chance from her. The fact that she was in my arms 3 weeks ago, and now she lives with someone else already just make me crazy. She lied to me. She cheated (maybe just emotionally, but maybe physically to), left me cold blooded. I just cant believe that. Its a heartbreak, and it feels like hell. I dream of her. This unbelievable situation is the first thought when I wake up, and when I go to sleep in the empty house now, where we lived happily together. Something has died inside of me. A big part of myself was torn out, and it is very difficult to wake up every morning, go to work, and continue my life. Sadness, shock, anger, betrayal, self-blame.. these feelings are just tearing me apart inside. Sorry to make this long, I just feel a lot better when I speak about this. Even if I cant handle this at the moment, my sympathy goes to everyone who went through such a situation, or is going through it now. Thank you for reading my story.
  14. For whatever reason, I'm having real trouble adjusting to my separation, the week-on-week-off schedule with my children living with me and being single. I am seeing a woman I fancy, not sure how interested she is. I've been separated about a year and would be divorced by now if my ex (of 24 years) would just finish what she started. She's had my draft separation agreement since early April and has done nothing with it, not even responded through her attorney despite my lawyers calls to them. I enjoy the weeks that my kids are here. Its noisy, busy and fun. When they go, I go through a letdown that lasts several days. Those weeks without them, I do go out. But the woman I'm seeing is, like me, very busy with work and her own life. So I'm now missing her too when (as circumstances have it) we can't see each other or even occasionally have to change plans. To round it out, I work from my home, traveling for business a fair amount. But often, I'm just here, working and talking on the phone with my clients. Nearly all my local friends are married and have children. So its tough to see them too. Its not like I'm a shut-in though I do feel like that sometimes. Just 'getting out there' is hard. Sustaining meaningful connections to those around me is way hard since my marriage ended and my family blew up. I am in counseling. I wish I could say its helping more. I'm sure I'd be much the worse if I wasn't working on me. For over a year now, I've been taking anti-depressants (Celexa) with no ill effects. I've never been listless, depressive and unmotivated in my life. But I am there now and feel really stuck. Have others had these issues as they endured a separation, dissolution of family and divorce? I'd love to get some suggestions (beyond 'just do it') to get and stay on a more positive track. Thanks, Raoul
  15. My ex broke up with me nearly 4 months ago. The history between us is complicated. He pursued me then went cold, we then were friends but got back together but he told me he wasnt sure he could ever love again after a painful divorce but he kept coming back to me so I thought something was there and worth trying for but shortly after he went travelling to Asia for 3 months and when he came back he was cold and distant. He stayed over but didnt want sex which I thought was odd as after 3 months he should be gagging for it. In the morning he said he couldn't give me what I want and broke it off saying he was no good for anyone and that he didnt want to be in a relationship but 6 weeks later he was flirting with me again so we decided to be fwb and a year later we got more serious and I asked him if I can now be his gf. He said yes and for 2 years we had a good relationship apart from the odd thing now and again that would upset me but i let it go coz I loved him and just put it down to his relationship issues. However he suddenly ended it very cowardly by text and was quite horrible as to why and just switched out of the blue like he had just gone off me. I was blindsided so found it hard to understand so I text him a few times to just ask why he could so this to me but he ignored most of my texts. I have now just found out that he slept with a girl in Vietnam and I guess that's why he was odd when he came home. I also found out that he slept with a friend of his who he always told me he would never but that she loved him but they were just friends. She hated me and I always said to him that it would make sense if he had slept with her for her to behave like that but he was so convincing that he was never interested in her and couldn't as she was not his type and she smoked. I know it changes nothing and its another reason to be glad he is out of my life but I feel so foolish and want to confront him about it but not sure how to. We were such good mates and had so much fun together but I guess he didnt see it how i did. But the 3 years we had is now ruined in my head as I loved him not knowing he cheated on me when he was travelling and also lied about sleeping with his friend just around the time we was starting out. How do I deal with this, it's going mad in my head just when I was getting stronger about the break up and how he did that, I feel like I'm back to square one crying all the time. Shall I confront him or see if I calm down and maybe mention it in the future if i ever do see him again but he is avoiding me and keeping away. How do I let this not bother me?
  16. I know is a lot to read but please I need help solving this. If you have any questions just ask. There is this couple that started their relationship as an affair when they were both married to two different people. The marriage of her ended two months after not only because of this affair but also due to previous problems in the relationship. Everything started as just having fun but little by little, they both started falling in love for each other, feelings were very strong and they both realized they never felt anything like that for anybody. Even though he (P) had a background that everybody knew that he was always cheating and with more than one woman at the same time, she decided that she was not going to judge him because of his past and started trusting him from the moment they started the relationship. Little she knew, that she found out at some point that besides him cheating on his wife with her, he was also cheating her with other woman, while he was also saying she was the love of his life and that he loved her more than anybody else he had a relationship before. She always forgave him, over and over again for everything and continued to wait for him. Besides everything, they always wanted to be together, spending time together, traveling, going out, and having overnights, which was not that easy to get because he was still married. He even filed for divorce at some point. In order to get everything they always wanted for themselves, he had to create lies and stories and hide things from his wife. They also talked about their whole life before them, and past relationships as well. She told him that one time when she had a boyfriend, 15 years ago, she kissed another man, and this boyfriend ended up the relationship with her and got very depressed because of it. The truth is that she not only kissed this man but also had oral sex. This detail she never mentioned to him, she decided to keep it to herself, she thought she had the right to do it and to not say things from her past if she didn’t want to, she decided that she wanted to keep it simple in details and only say it was a kiss, for her it was not of anybody’s business to know more. While feelings and connection were getting stronger with the pass of time, they were always talking about how they wanted to be together by themselves, and share a life together, but he never got separated from his wife. Most of the time he said he couldn’t do it because of his kids. Even when the whole situation was very hard for her, because she had to be the one waiting for him, and accepting his married life, they had very happy moments, they were so in love, but for some reason he could never decide to get separated and start a life with her, a woman he said he loved like anybody else in his life and that had everything he wanted. He is the type of man with a very opened mind, specially sexually. She was not like that when they started but, she learned from him, or he helped her be the way she was meant to always be, because she was enjoying everything in sex the same way as him. In one of those sex conversations that they always had, they were talking about trying new things in bed, so they said they wanted to try threesomes, with another man or another woman, and they were discussing everything about it. He already had a threesome in his past but she never experienced anything like that so she was very curious about it. After talking about it for some time, they decided that the threesome was going to be with another man. She told him that she couldn’t do anything with a man from her past, and that she didn’t want to, but he was saying that maybe it was not a bad idea and she convinced herself to do it that way, and the only man from her past she could do something like that was with this guy from 15 years ago, the guy she cheated her boyfriend with with “just a kiss”, because he was the only one she didn’t fell in love with. Well, the conversation ended by her saying that she was going to contact this guy and ask him if he wanted to be part of the threesome. Before she did that, she came out with the whole truth and said it was not only a kiss that happened but more than that, oral sex too. She wanted for him to know all details from this guy before they all three were going to be sexually together and this guy was now going to be part of their lifes. When she mentioned this truth to him, everything changed from that moment. He got convinced that she lied about that detail about her past because she had some pending feelings or desires with this guy, that’s all he could think of, and kept blaming her for months saying to her that she was a liar and that if she had something pending with this guy, she needed to close any lose ends and finally have sex with him, in order to continue a life together. She said to him several times for months she didn’t have anything pending with him or anybody, that she never wanted to be with another man, or had desires for anybody else, even less for a guy she didn’t see for so many years and that she never fell for. But he kept repeating the same thing, that in order to continue a life together she needed to have sex with this guy. She begged and cried to him for so long asking him to please change his mind, and that she only loved him and wanted to be with him and nobody else. Well, after months of her begging, she found out about more cheating from him. Maybe that was the motive to decide what she was about to do. She was tired, hurt and frustrated already for her trying to stop that situation for so long, that she started thinking that doing what he was saying and get it over with was going to be the solution and the end of it. So she told him that she was going to do what he wanted and go and have sex with this guy as soon as possible, because she didn’t want to lose him, and that also she was never going to contact this guy ever again in her life. He also added that in order for him to believe her she needed to video tape her having sex with this guy, because he was going to watch the video and get his own conclusions and at least believe her that everything really happened. She contacted this guy a Sunday or Monday, and started texting with him, saying she was going to be in his city the following week and that she wanted to get together, the guy immediately answer by asking if they were going to have sex, which she answered yes. For the next 4 days most of their texting was in a sexual tone, he was always asking her the things she liked to do in bed or the things he was going to do to her, and she answered the same way, following his way of talking, she thought that that was needed in order to keep him interested. But she also did unnecessary things, that she didn’t realize until it was too late. For example, this guy asked her several times for her to send him sexy pictures, which she didn’t want to, until she got tired and without thinking on the consequences and to make him stop asking, she sent a few pictures. During all this 4 days, she found herself in the middle of all that situation she didn’t want to do, that it didn’t feel good by doing it, but she also did things and said things to this guy without thinking them through and also thinking and believing this was the only way she could have a life with her love of her life, because that was what he made her believe. During those days she also didn’t mentioned anything about her talking to this guy to P or the way that she was talking to him. She thought it was clear what was said about her decision of her contacting him, and she assumed he knew that she was already working on it and that she already contacted him and they were texting. Around Wednesday, she told him that she was going to this guy’s city on the weekend to see him, and that they were going to see each other on Friday. She once again assumed, that by her saying that he was going to realize that and know that conversation between her and this guy were already happening. She didn’t see the need of saying anything before and also didn’t want him to know the kind of conversations they were having because she knew they were wrong. During all this days she said to him that at any point if he wanted for her to stop that, he only had to mention it to her and she was going to stop it immediately no matter what because she didn’t want to do it, but he didn’t. One day before she going to this guy’s city, they had an argument again, he was giving her a hard time about everything again, where he states now, that that was the moment he started to feel that there were fishy things in the middle of all this and that he was doubting even more about everything else, and he also said now that at that moment he was about to stop the situation, but according to him he didn’t because she cut him off. All she said was that if he told her for so long for her to do that, then he needed to stop giving her a hard time about it because she was already doing it what she didn’t want to do for him. At the end he never told her to stop anything and just let her continue, when all she wanted to hear was for him to say she didn’t have to do that. The day arrived of her seeing this guy, he picked her up from where she was and they went to a hotel, before that they stopped at a store to buy some beers. They arrived at the hotel and started drinking and smoking marijuana. She put her phone in silence, she was convinced that she was not going to receive any calls of messages from P to make her stop the situation, if he let her get to that point, he was not going to do anything to stop what she was doing, so she put her phone in silence for everyone else. Her intentions were to be drunk and high because she didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to do any of that, she wanted to feel the less possible. After an hour or so, they started having sex, she asked once to start recording a video, but he didn’t agree, then later she asked for a second time and he agreed. She got a 10 minutes recording of them having sex. After having sex, and drinking and smoking some more, they just laid down in bed for a while, while he was just talking and she was just listening, she was very high at that moment she couldn’t even concentrate on what he was saying or understanding either. She only knew that she felt disgusted about everything and that he was going to take her home soon, and that the night was almost over, and that she got what she needed to continue her life with P. When she got home, she realized she had missed calls and texts from P, something she thought he was not going to do. He said he was very worried that something bad happened to her with this guy and that he needed for her to go back as soon as possible because they needed to talk. The next day this guy texted her asking for the video, which she answered that she was not going to send it and also she added that she didn’t like anything they did the day before, she was trying to send him hints that they were never going to have sex again. She thought that was the way of doing things and not just ghost the guy. But that created another problem, because she was again blamed by P that she said she was never going to contact this guy again and yet she did the next day. When she came back home, P came to see her that same day to talk. He asked for her phone, which she gave to him, and he saw conversations she was having with her girl friend, where she was talking about everything going on, and a lot in a joking tone, making fun on the way she and this guy were having sexual conversations and laughing about it. She had that conversations with her girl friend before and after, and most of the time she didn’t show her true feelings, which she has a tendency to do, she doesn’t show what she is really feeling to her friends and family because she doesn’t want them to feel pity for her. Or for her to be in the position to defend P after everything he was doing to her. She rather make it seem like nothing is a big deal for her and that she is good. When all this problem started she called this girl friend to talk about it and she cried her eyes out to her, telling her that she couldn’t believe that P was telling her to do that. But after that she didn’t want to show herself broken anymore to her friend. After P saw her phone, he tried to walk away without saying a word, but she stopped him, to try to talk. Then is when it start all the blaming from him. He started saying that what she did is what she really wanted, that she lied to him and cheated on him and that she never told him any truths. That because of that he couldn’t be with her. But she insisted that what he was saying was wrong and they could fix everything. She started saying to him that she was so sorry about everything, even though she knew he put her in that position, she begged him for so long to not do that and he kept telling her she had to do it. At some point he saw that 10 minutes video of her having sex with this guy, and P accused her that everything looked like she was enjoying it, that he was convinced she had orgasms, when she didn’t, she actually told P she faked the orgasms and that she was not enjoying it because she didn’t want to be there and because she was thinking about P all the time. He also questioned her about this guy’s penis size, saying that because of the video he could see that this guy had it bigger, and that’s why she was enjoying it more, which was something she denied as well, because according to her this guy didn’t have a bigger penis, just a different shape and maybe slightly thicker, and actually the one man that gave her the most pleasure of her life was P and no this other guy. A month passed after that, still struggling with the problem, until one day at her house, P told her he definitely couldn’t be with her, because she was a liar, and he couldn’t trust her, etc. She begged him to not leave her, but he had made a decision already and he was not going to be with her anymore, after she asked him to please not leave her. He left her house and sent her a text accusing her for faking the drama and all the crying and she did a great performance and once again telling her that he didn’t want to be with her. That day, out of spite and anger and pain, she contacted a random guy and texted with him for a couple hours, in that conversation there was nothing sexual, it was just a good conversation that made her feel better in that moment where her heart was broken by P, they even said they were going to set up a date later on. But then she realized that she didn’t want any of that, she didn’t want to stop trying with P, she didn’t want any other man in her life and that she was never giving up on P. The next day he went to her house again, and they talked, he asked her again for her phone and tablet, and he saw on the Facebook search bar the name of the guy he talked to the day before, he asked her who that was, and she answered and gave him all the truth, she didn’t want again to be blamed for being a liar, so she was honest. But after that, he said once again that he was not going to be with her, and in fact that he was going to fix things with his his wife. At that moment she couldn’t take it anymore and called the wife and told her all the truth about everything. She had being holding this for over 3 years and that moment all she could think of was that the wife needed to know everything his husband did. Right after the problem he kept asking for details about the day she and this guy had sex and the days before that when the texting happened. Which she didn’t say everything at the beginning, but he kept asking and asking about details, like sex positions, timing for each of them, what they did in between, every single detail you can imagine. And she started saying the truth little by little, because he didn’t stop pressuring her. He made her repeat the story several time, and after she was done, to repeat it again. He kept telling her, that what happened between her and this guy was what she wanted, that she enjoyed it, that she had several orgasms, and that she was lying about everything and about what she really felt, he pressured her for so long to accept all that, but up until today she keeps defending her truth and saying any of that is true because she never wanted to do that, that’s why she begged P for so long to not make her do it. It all seems that he didn’t force her, but he did brainwashed in my opinion. Even if it sounds contradicting, during the past 10 months they had being on and off, with good and bad, him treating her like the worst and still accusing her for lying, when she says she is not and also treating her very good and being very affectionate to her, and that’s when she falls again , and accepts everything wrong she thinks he is doing and hoping for him to change for good. That caused her to get mentality unstable and wanting to hurt herself, which led her to be admitted in a mental facility for 4 days to stabilize her. P also created a false WhatsApp account to text this guy like if it was her, to get information he thought she was lying about. They texted a few times under her name. He also kept cheating constantly. During all this time that she kept trying to recover what she and P had, and him knowing she was trying, P made her believe he didn’t have anything else with his wife, meaning no sex and that they were about to get a divorce. Until one day the soon to be ex wife called her to ask her what was going on between her and P, and they talked. Between both of them they found out all the lies he was telling them both. And they decided to surprise him at his house and talk with him to accept all the lies he was telling them. One of the truth is that she found out that they were still having sex all the time, while he said several times he didn’t and while she was trying everything to fix their relationship and waiting until the divorce was finalized. They got divorced a couple months ago. Up until recently that he started staying more with her in her house, since he got divorced and the wife took the kids with her and they are also selling their house. During those days of P being in the same house with her, he said many things about their future, like trips with the all the kids, because she has 2 kids as well, trips for themselves, the surprise he was working on if they were getting married, and that he said that she was going to love it, the kind of ring he would buy for her, etc. he told her many things like she was so amazing and good to him. He made me believe he was with me for good. But after all that, he ends up again with the same blaming and accusations and saying how hurt he is and all the good ends again. For P he says that in order to fix everything she must be in the same position as before but do things right, which means go and have sex again with this guy but not lie about any detail from point A to Z, so he could maybe see she is the person that he can trust and believe again. And close all lose ends that according to him she has, like the guy she texted for a couple hours out of spite, he says she needs to see this guy and have sex with him also, because he thinks that’s what she wants, when she keep repeating she doesn’t want any of that, that she doesn’t want to be with another man, only with P. And that if he says she failed before in the past with him, not saying all the truth about how things happened,that she is sorry about and that she owns it and wants to fix everything the right way. She kept insisting that being in the same position as before and being involved sexually with a person again Is not the way to fix anything, that trust will not come back like that, that there are other ways to fix a relationship but he doesn’t believe in doing anything else. He also have told her many times, that he is proud of him cheating on her and that he wishes he could’ve cheated even more and create more pain to her, because he says she deserves it. He doesn’t take any responsibility for anything he has done and he feels entitled and thinks everything wrong he does is valid because people lie and hurt him. He demands the other person to fix everything when he is the one that caused the majority of the pain, and lies. He demands honesty and loyalty when he is the one that has always lied for everything and cheated non stop. When the ex wife took his kids and was giving him a hard time for him to see them, he was so angry he said that he was so proud of cheating on her before, and that was she needed was for him to cheat even more in the past, because of what she was doing with his kids, he deserved that and more. She loves P so much and she still believes that if he changes that mentality or goes to therapy, everything will get much better. She wants to be with him forever.
  17. So I've been in a relationship with a girl for nearly 5 months. I'm a 29 years old and this is my first serious relationship. To give some context until age 23 I used to be a hopeless romantic. Since then however I'v focussed on getting control of my life and I'm in a far better place, mentally, physically, financially and personally. I'm very clear on my goals, what I want out of life, and I'd like to believe mature enough to recognise the insecurities from the past when I have them. So, I started to see this girl from a conservative family and she still lives at home being from such a culture (my family is conservative as well, but I'm independently minded). When we met the first date was a hike which was very unusual to dates I'd been on, but something that was immensely impressive to me. Thereafter we've been getting very close and as rose eyed glasses do, felt like we were soulmates. From a physical perspective she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, (I do), but we've done a lot outside of the actual act itself. From a personal perspective we have very common values - family, adventure, resilience and not letting problems take us down. I think we both regard service to others as an important part of our relationship, which is quite great. From a lot of perspectives I feel there are a huge number of positives that make the relationship great. But lately I'm noticing some elements that are bothering me. I'm going to detail them below, but will add - I'm not sure if this is being fair, or me struggling to commit. 1. We disagree to a degree on the future life - I prefer to move in before marriage to see what its like living together - she doesn't think we should as if there are issues we should be working on them together. To me its about assessing the degree of the problems and how easy is it to work through. 2. I'm more keen on kids than she is, but I'd like to be able to move around the world - she (being an educator) thinks its a bad idea and we should stay in one place. 3. When we disagree, its a bit cold for a day, but eventually we come around and acknowledge we care about each other, but not sure we've reached a consensus. Its as though we think spending time together solves these problems, but that's not the case. 4. I sometimes wonder if she is a bit naive - she's not stayed by herself for a long period of time - so sometimes her views about household life feel a bit too romantic (our love and commitment to work together decides everything and we focus on making things work). Also with money, she thinks we shouldn't be focussing on counting pennies - and that we are going to share it all together. 5. Her family - they seem cool with our relationship on the surface, but whenever we plan trips together, her view gets changed by them. The changes themselves haven't bothered me, but it worries me that her family can influence her easily. Sometimes the questions they ask suggest to me a bit of them fishing for information, but she doesn't seem to realise that the questions can be inappropriate. 6. Her dad had come around to my place to help me with some DIY work, and it was the first time he'd been to my place. He was quite impressed by it, and started to ask when I bought the house, if it was with cash or mortgage, as though to get an idea of what I paid for the house. That really unnerved me and while I dodged the question, it is a red flag to me. I come from a pretty well off family, but have always been respectful of the fact that its my families' money. My worry is that people may get into a relationship with me for the wealth and security. So while I don't believe that is the case for her, it may be the case for her family being in favour of this relationship. 7. I don't want to end up with a divorce, or rushing into marriage due to wanting to have sex, or because she is a bit naive, and her family may influence it. That too is part of the reason for wanting to stay together. I would prefer if she moved out and lived independently of her family for a while before we decide to get married. I think what I'm looking to understand is - are the above valid - or am I just being insecure about the relationship. I do bear in mind its my first serious relationship, so looking for someone to guide if these are common concerns, or perhaps I need a few more relationships before I can decide what I want. I do know its easy to decide for me what I want, but I also acknowledge that it could be different when one is in a relationship, and that plans can change.
  18. Two weeks after my wife told me she wanted a Separation, I confronted her about infidelity and the possibility that I would need to be tested for an STD. She confirmed she has been having an affair but will not say how long or who it is with. Instead of a separation I am now seeking divorce. I could use some input, and just someone to talk to. She refuses to leave the house because she doesn’t want to lose custody of our children. I want to get as far away from her as I can. It’s not as if we haven’t been having problems for a long time, but I still wanted to try to make my relationship with her stronger while she was having this affair with me.
  19. Hi all, Long time poster on ENA. As a quick backstory, my wife and I were together for ten years (Married for 5 years). She moved out about 6 weeks and I decided to file for divorce about 3 weeks ago because I told her I wanted to work on things (She didn't and wanted a clean break/started talking to another guy.) Needless to say, it's been a rough six weeks. Some of the issues in my marriage stemmed from the hurt I felt when my parents got divorced three years ago after 32 years of marriage. My Mother is terminally ill and my Dad is marrying his mistress tomorrow. I took a lot of the responsibility associated w/ taking care of my Mom when my Dad despite living three hours away. I was always close with both parents. My Mom was especially upset since this is taking place on the same weekend as Mother's Day.... My Dad is getting married in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. This is my first time here without her. In fact, his wedding ceremony will be held in a hotel that my wife and I visited when we were looking at wedding venues 6-7 years ago. Talk about ironic and even worse for me. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her. Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well. Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it because they haven't been able to serve my wife yet/my wife hasn't retained an attorney, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend. I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me. Just looking for some words of encouragement here. I've been super active over the last six weeks. I've felt super strong. I just feel the wall of emotions hitting me tonight and I'm looking for some support. I had to fly here as well and felt anxious getting on the plane, despite traveling frequently for work.
  20. I am married to someone who has shown no interest in me sexually or otherwise for years and years. The last time we had sex was when my daughter was concieved about 4.5 years ago. Before that it was a dutiful once a month roll on roll off encounter. We do not communicate at all, it is almost laughable, We are doing a building project, I will tell the builder 1 thing, he will say the opposite. I will go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop and then he will do the same and buy all the same things! He is not working and thinks it is below him to get a job as in Greece he ran a big company so why should he now work in a 'normal' job..he doesnt want a divorce, and not because he loves me. He doesnt want me to take the children and i have no intention of keeping them from him but he says he will ask them to choose and tell them how evil I am and destroy me! (really he uses those words!!), we moved here to England after his business abroad colapsed and HE decided we couldnt stay in Greece where we had lived all our married life. he wanted to start again. He threatens me that he will take my children, and tell them what a i am. That if I want a divorce there is going to be a war. That he will destroy me..(he is very dramatic) He thinks the children are perfectly happy and oblivious to thse issues even though he yells infront of them until they cry. I believe in happy parents, happy children even if the parents are divorced but he cant get his head around that. He ays he will never give me a divorce. `I feel so trapped and alone.
  21. So this is a longgg one so I’m going to try and sum up the important details! Some background... -We are both mid 20s -We met eachother the last week before we moved from our college town - We Have been on and off for two years -We have moved from our different home towns to the same city So haven’t used the official term “boyfriend, Girlfriend” but we are exclusive etc. ... This whole time our realationship has been very unstable. It’s a hybrid of a boyfriend girlfriend relationship combined with hook up buddies. He goes back and forth with how he treats me. At times we are starting to become more like a couple but then we get too close for him I guess and he starts to treat it like we are just hook up buddies. He will tell me he doesn’t want a realationship.... but to me being exclusive and having feelings for eachother is the same thing so I don’t really care about labels just exclusiveness and emotions. He will do this thing where he wants to be “alone” and will straight up ignore me for days. I will confront him and he will go on to say... “maybe we should just stop”. So one time I took his word and he saw me getting real cozy with this guy we both know at a bar. He literally flipped out and when I said “why do you care? You told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship and we should stop, so it’s none of your business”. He goes on to say it is his business.... and then he says he DOES want us to be exclusive. So I’m confused bc at times he says that he just wants to hook up and that’s it but still be exclusive and get all mad if I’m with another guy. He says he has feelings for me and likes me but is just going through a lot and can’t do a realationship. I know he broke up with his old girlfriend of 5 years a year before he met me and apparently it was awful. It bothers me though bc I’ve looked on Facebook and he was very affectionate to her and completely different. This though was his highschool girlfriend that went into college.... we are 25 now... I still am trying to be compassionate and to be honest I don’t care about titles as long as we are exclusive and both have feelings for each other. What I don’t like is when he will ignore me for days out of nowhere and pretend he doesn’t care. His friends have all separatly come up to me and talked about how he has major anxiety and can be really moody and isolate himself from everyone. That’s why I try to be understanding..... One night he drank a lot and came over, right after we hooked up he started crying and basically told me this needs to stop and he feels so guilty for the way he treats me and he can’t have feelings or emotions for anyone. He told me he doesn’t even love his family and that his parents are divorced (I knew that) and his mom is addicted to drugs and his dad is abusive. So I get why he is the way he is but he has started to get even meaner to me and now has gone days ignoring me and will randomly just want to have sex with me...I love him but I can’t tell if I’m being too nice and even though he is going through a lot doesn’t give him an excuse. I guess I don’t know if I should hate him or not. I know I should just not talk to him and when he reaches out just tell him that I can’t continue to be treated like this and I still want to continue but I need consistency so I can trust him. I know I can be crazy and flip out but I am trying to work on that as well
  22. My parents divorced when I was little. And my dad eventually left the country and to in the US with our step mom. My mom stayed back home in Colombia. Sadly she passed away few years later. I was 18 when she died but I didn't start grieving until I was an adult on and off. Basically, I was informed that she wasn't doing too well prior her death. This was back when we didn't have accesses to immediate technology we have to today ie skype, facebook etc. I didn't even have my own phone and my communication was through my dad. I didn't take it seriously and i didn't make an effort to write her a letter .But her condition worsens and she died without me talking to her in her last days. She had written a letter to my dad for us call where she was hospitalized in her last day but my dad put off. I guess he didn't think it was that urgent. I wasn't aware of this until my step mom told him to go buy a long distance card to talk to my mom. But by that time it was too late. She had already gone. As a young 18 year old, I didn't realize how important my Mom was. As I matured , I started you are looking back and realized what I was too young to realize then, and the guilt and grief started to hit me now that I'm able to have real perspective now. Guilt has strucked me in my adult hood. For not making an effort to write to her. After reconnecting with her side of family back home, I was informed that she tried desparately to get in touch with me in during her last days. Her aunt even send someone to my grandfather, my dad's father to ask for his number so she could talk to me. But he couldn't provide it. I also recall at some point she wrote letter to my dad, stating she wasn't feeling well, asking for my pictures since it had been 4 years since we saw each other. I couldn't provide the pictures. I asked my dad but he never followed through. Now my stuck with with the shoulda, woulda, couldas. I could have asked other people where to buy a long distance card to talk to her since i already had my first job as a penny server. I could have wrote a letter and ask for the phone number where she was staying .I could have provided my dad's number so her Aunt who was taking care of her in her last days so she would have called instead of relying on my dad. I could have asked other people what i should do to get a photo taken. I didn't know where to go about it that time I'm now in 30's and I want to visit her resting place . will that help? I know she's gone but will seeing where she was buried help? Will telling her how sorry i am help me to alleviate my guilt. I feel like i let her down
  23. Hi All, Long-time user, first time poster under 'Divorce Advice'. Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I'm 30 and she's 29. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below. Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part. She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive. Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point. This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards. Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard. I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.
  24. Sorry for the length of this email. 14 years ago, I met a man through work who I was instantly drawn to (and him to me as it turned out- he wanted to ask me out the first day we met, but my boss told him I was engaged). We worked together for a number of years and I suppressed my feelings and we finally got together as soon as my relationship ended. We had an amazing connection, shared values, and I loved him like nobody else I had been with. However, there was one crunch- he had kids, one of whom was disabled, and could not imagine having more, while for me, it was non-negotiable. As a result of this, I broke up with him and I moved away soon after and we stopped communicating as it was too hard. I since went on to marry and had a child and divorced several years ago. But I thought of him a lot and out of the blue 3 months ago, he made contact and said that he was thinking of me, asking how I was. We talked by phone the next night (which I realised during the call was exactly 10 years to the day that we had had had our talk about him not wanting kids, crazy coincidence, which he had not been aware of when he made contact) and he told me that he reckoned we would still be together today if we had stayed together and that he could even have had a child with me. It was pretty big to hear as I was not sure if our relationship had meant as much to him as me, but it obviously had. We talked every day for the next 2 weeks, planning to see each other, saying how special it was to reconnect and to see where it would bring us. Then, the worst possible thing happened- his adult son died suddenly. It was a horrific shock , to say the least, and he rang me throughout the week and it was good to hear his voice and know how he was doing, but I just expected nothing and that I would probably not see him again, that he might get back with his ex, basically anything that would get him through and I respected that. However, he told me he would love to see me and so I made the journey to see him. It was so soon after his son's loss but it was very special to reconnect and we became physical. However, he expressed some doubt about the future in some moments with me and I pulled back and offered him space. However, he made it clear that he didn't want to lose me and was really looking forward to seeing me when I was to be back again, that he missed me and he planned a trip to see me after my trip to see him this week. He was really attentive and I just tried to offer support but it was hard to suppress my feelings and I struggled with not ending it for the moment as it was so unsustainable but he kept showing me he needed me and did not want to lose me. Just before my trip to see him, he dramatically pulled away, was very irritated and making remarks that made me feel suddenly like I would be merely a FWB (friends with benefits), unlike it had been before, as well as hinting that he was not going to make the trip to see me anymore. It was very upsetting and I asked him if he was sure if he wanted me to visit him, and that it was ok to say if he was not, that his wellbeing was the most important thing right now. But he said he was ok. However, he was very distant and unaffectionate when I arrived and only kissed me in a sexual way with no cuddles unlike before, and I just felt cheap and horrible. I know it was the grief and it seemed like he had entered a stage of anger but I just felt like I should not be there. I asked him about his plans to see me and he basically said he was not sure anymore, so two days in, I decided to leave his house (while he was at work) and stay the night with a friend, as I was just too upset. We decided to talk later. Later on, he told me he had not realised he had come across so cold but he was really defensive and just started saying "what did you expect from me, I can't commit to anything right now, stop trying to map out our relationship, we have only seen each other twice", etc. I tried to say that the last thing I expected was any commitment, that I totally understood he could not do that but that I had to be able to express my concerns if we were to be together and that I was upset about the trip being cancelled. He belittled everything I said and I felt awful for bringing it up in the first place as obviously for him it is just nothing and meaningless. I realised then how wrong it was for me to have become involved with him at this stage as I had feelings and could not just have no feelings and I told him the following day that despite our plans for that and the following weekend, that I could not see him right now as it did not seem healthy but that I continued to support him as a friend, sending my unconditional support and love and how very sorry I was for his loss. I know he is so angry in general right now and with me too, I imagine, judging from his response, but I feel dreadful for having done what I did. I feel like I trivialised his grief and stabbed him in the back instead of being a supportive friend, as I had tried so hard to be so far. I feel so much for him and just feel dreadful but I don't think there is any point in trying to say more right now as I think it would just make things worse.  Apologies for the long mail, I just struggle to make sense of all of this.
  25. Hello guys, So I am currently 30 year old and taking a break from relationships to truly improve myself before attempting to get into another relationship. Regarding my relationship background I had a 6 year serious relationship during and after college until I was 27 three years old about 3 year ago and after that relationship, it has been a string of 4 short term relationships where I either got hurt, heartbroken or it was simply one-sided(mostly due to settling for less and not knowing what I truly wanted out of a relationship and at times to "not feel lonely". I will have to say that a big reason why those relationships failed was due to many reasons but a big part was on my fault due to unresolved attachment trauma, abandonment issues, and even suffering from PTSD-like symptoms when getting into relationships where I am almost afraid to get into another relationship as I fear it will be just another dead-end or meaningless relationship. (Some of the external factors such as dating people who were either going through a divorce, dating some that were emotionally unavailable, or settling with emotional vampires, etc). I have been working on being the best version of myself by working out, losing weight, currently going to therapy sessions to help manage and soothe my own anxiety, and currently reading a lot regarding attachment trauma, abandonment issues and my fear of getting into another relationship in order to just have the same thing happen. My question for you guys is, for those who were truly wanting to better yourself and manage your attachment trauma, abandonment issues, and fears of getting into another relationship, what did you guys do to finally feel free of that "mental prison" that you'll never find a truly satisfying relationship? What did you do to help you overcome abandonment and attachment issues that seemed to really help you overcome them? I am finally doing the most to take control of my life and put these issues to rest and to improve my quality of life in relationships.
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