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  1. Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm hoping someone might have some advice on what I can do because I just don't know what to do for the best. 8 Months ago my wife of 15 years told me she wanted to leave and get a divorce. We've got three kids together and lockdown had taken its toll on both of us. She'd been feeling really down for a while so I suggested that she had a break from everything and spent a bit of time with her parents, a week later she came back and told me she wanted to leave me. She has suffered from depression for a while and had come to the conclusion that I was the root cause of it all. Our relationship had been a bit stressful for a few years, I've always worked full time and she's been a full time mum and that has always caused a bit of tension between us even though it was a decision we both agreed on. But now that the kids are getting older she decided that she wanted to go back to university and become a teacher, so that was the plan. We had our issues like any marriage but nothing that I didn't think was normal, so this whole thing completely took me by surprise. She didn't want to stay and try to work it out and that night she left. She moved in with her parents but that didn't last long and after a big argument with her mum and dad she was back home within a week. So she moved into our old bedroom and I moved into the office and turned that into my bedroom. Because of financial issues she cant move out and get her own place so we've been living together like this ever since. We've always been really good friends and we still get on. She still wants to spend time together in the evening, we talk everyday, laugh and joke together, we'll share a bottle of wine, watch TV together and go to the shops etc. We're basically living as a married couple that just sleeps in separate bedrooms. I've spoken to her about our relationship a few times and I've asked her to stay with me and to try to work on our issues. She'll always say she'll think about it but can never come to a decision. She can't make up her mind, she says she still loves me but doesn't know if she still wants to be with me. But I can't live like this forever, it's slowly driving me crazy. At what point do I throw in the towel and say enough is enough. Do I wait for her to make up her mind on whether she will stay with me or not, or do I try to move on? I still love her but am I fighting a losing battle trying to get someone that doesn't want to be with me anymore to stay?
  2. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  3. We were together 12y, married 3, and have a 8 month old. Anywho its been a heck of a saga, but she showed her hand and it was the last straw. Last tuesday I officially had filed for divorce, and im now going through the process. I wont waste time talking about her more, but am trying to figure out my path forward after this 12y saga. What sort of steps should I guy like myself do to re-invent, and re-think who i am going forward and maybe at some point get lucky and meet someone new. Im looking for thoughts and ideas. Thanks
  4. We've been together for 7 years, with two children, son was 6 and daughter was 2. My wife started attending a boot camp in Irvine CA. One month later she established a password on her IPhone and notebook. She was getting and writing messages while I can't see it. Once I walked in to kitchen and saw her rapidly closing one tab on safari browser. She started spending a lots of time in the front of the mirror and wearing sexy clothes before she went to gym. Every Thursday when her trainer was having day off she would come back from "gym" not sweaty and with all her makeup in tact. Finally i ran on to her facebook messages with her personal trainer Jose: Him: "You smell so good, I still have it on me", Her: "I'm so sore this morning, I can barely move, you killed me:)))". Then later she accidentally called me through Skype, I did not answer by some reason, Long message was left with all the details while having sex in her car that I bought for her. I have posted screen shots of all facebook messages on boot camp facebook page. Owner of camp contacted me and promised to take some action. But nothing was done. Jose's popularity among female customers was too high, and he never fired him. I filed divorce withing 15 days. Jose is still employed by the boot camp, my children went through hell due to separation of parents. Can anyone advice what is the best legal action i can take against this personal trainer? Thank you.
  5. I'm really struggling right now with my husband. We're both 24, married for over a year. I feel as if he has lost interest in our marriage and myself. He says he hasn't, but I think differently. He doesn't want to talk much, he would rather play games on his phone or computer than do anything with me. He doesn't want to have sex, he just doesn't care. We have been seeing a therapist together, but that hasn't been overly helpful. These issues have been going on for months, before we got married, everything was great, we had been together for 5 years. A few weeks ago we went on vacation in hopes to help our relationship and it didn't help at all. We rented a house in different state with a private pool. He didn't want to go out and do anything, see anything, etc. He spent 95% of the time in the living area playing games on his tablet, or talking to his "gamer friends" on this chat thing. So while he was doing that, I was enjoying my time around and in the pool. He didn't once want to join me outside or in the pool. I also walked around the house completely nude and spent my time outside nude, and he didn't even blink an eye at that, no comments, no acknowledgment. NOTHING. I made a super nice dinner and ate outside nude, no compliments or anything. It was a disappointing trip. Now that has passed and I'm considering divorce, he doesn't think we have any issues, I'm just at a complete loss as to what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.
  6. I am in the middle of a divorce (that my wife wanted). At first everything was my fault and I started to believe some of it until I found out there was someone else involved with her. At first she denied it and said they were just “good friends” and then I had proof of all the texting going on between the two and she couldn’t deny it anymore. She still said “he’s not the reason I’m leaving” “don’t tell anyone about this”. Typical cheater stuff. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 5. Both of us are 30 years old and we’ve known each other since elementary school. She had only known this guy for about 3 months before she moved out. (Yes never met him before in her life). I got the “I’ve been unhappy for awhile, he understands me, I’ve never felt this way before and the I love you but not in love with you”. I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce. All of our family (mine and hers) are on my side other than her sister in law who she’s living with now and who’s a big part of the problem. I exposed her affair and now she’s mad at me of course but still denies that’s why she’s leaving. BTW she’s already thinking marriage with this guy. Anyway my question is, how often will affairs last typically? Anyone had an affair before and been through something similar and realized it wasn’t what they thought? Thanks
  7. I recently broke up with someone I absolutely adored. I loved him and still continue to love him. We had such a loving and supportive relationship... until... I found out he lied to me from the very beginning - including his age. More importantly, he lied about how involved his ex wife is in his life. They have a daughter together but had been separated for a year (not even sure they’re divorced because you know he’s a liar) - I helped this man find a house in the city I lived in - hoping we’d eventually move in there together. As I’m helping him move stuff in - he informs me that his ex wife will be moving in with him. Not for financial support, or to raise their daughter together but to “change the world” together through access consciousness (look it up) This obviously rattled me, he wanted me to be friends with her and support what they were doing. When he moved to my city, I thought he had an idea of what he would be doing for a job. Turns out he planned on smoking weed all day and discussing consciousness with his Ex. He justified everything she did - including being a neglectful mother to their daughter. He also defended her and deferred to her over me all the time. I obviously broke up with him - reported them to Children’s Aid and thought I wouldn’t look back. Then this man then began showing up at my parents, my apartment, my work etc. Claiming to “want me back” and that he “loved me” after everything that happened (including reporting him). I believed him, thinking that maybe he had a change of heart. We even ended up sleeping together again. But It all went south. We’re now not communicating at all after he told me that I was “to blame for everything because I couldn’t accept his relationship with his ex wife. I hurt him beyond repair. I destroyed our love” etc etc. Not ever taking accountability that he let his ex into his life and had her interfere with our relationship and that he and his ex were neglecting their child. It’s so messed up - I’m so conflicted as to why I still love this man. After everything. Why can’t I let him go?
  8. Hi all, hoping for some outside input as I'm struggling. My partner and I have known each other almost 2 years, been together a bit less than that. He told me straight up he had a 6 year old son with his ex. He didn't mention he was still married to her, I found after we'd been together for months, I asked and he admitted they were married and said he hadn't thought to mention it and didn't plan on getting divorced as neither of them saw the point (they'd been living separately for a while at this point). He told me he didn't have a problem with them being married so neither should I. A year into my relationship with him he was still married to her, owned a house and joint bank accounts, joint health insurance and Medicare and Netflix, shared a car, talked almost every day, etc. He slept at her place occasionally, would send me pictures of them doing stuff together, endlessly talk about her including that she was attractive, interesting and intelligent. I raised multiple times that I found how close they were uncomfortable. Communication between them seemed to slow down after a while. He later admitted he had been hiding it from me as he didn't like my response and that they still talked all the time. Sometimes we'd be lying together in bed and he'd talk to her on the phone about random things, or when we were out at dinner. Recently, after us moving in together and being together well over a year, he has made some changes. He proceeded with the divorce, has his own Medicare card, Netflix and health insurance. He still owns a house with her (that they're trying to sell) and has a joint bank account for reasons I don't understand. I feel as though he's listening to my concerns but nothing is changing. She calls almost every day and texts multiple times, all of which he answers/responds to. I think it's happening secretly as well, he'll sometimes leave the room to talk to someone. She's occasionally rude to me and he defends her (I made their son a gift and she called him to laugh about it and make fun of me, which he went along with, overheard because it was on loudspeaker). She's barged into our house multiple times and just stands there and he says nothing. I fully support them having an amicable relationship and talking about their child not only when necessary but whenever would be helpful. But he's admitted most conversations aren't about the child. In the past he has admitted to prioritising her feelings over mine, but says he doesn't do that any longer (I feel as though he does). Also, his family bought her a house to live in, he said he was uncomfortable with the idea but said nothing to them. Every time she calls it makes me feel disheartened and like I'm not able to deal with being in a relationship with someone who has a child and ex wife. He knows all this and I hate the person I'm becoming- I feel like I nag him and cry about this all the time. But I don't know what to do. My relationship with him is otherwise great. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated!
  9. Hi Everyone --- I am getting out in the dating world again and am paralyzed with fear. My ex husband abandoned my kids and me ten years ago. After two years, post divorce, I go back out there and dated. I went on a few awful dates and felt like I had nailed down being about to pick the bad guys. Then, I met a really nice guy in a coffee shop one day. He was in line behind me and we ended up talking for two hours. He asked for my email and from there we started a nice relationship. We did not rush into anything. He was always on time for our dates, did not cheat, was attentive and caring. I met his family who is lovely and they loved me. I met his friends who embraced me. He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. He owned a home also but it is a one bedroom bungalow so there was no room for the kids and me. So we decided to rent a place to until we found the ideal house for us. We found a beautiful stone country home and set up the date to sign the lease. We talked about if for the two months prior to our move in date. My house was sold and I have packed up everything and was ready to move. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in. I felt as though he was one foot in and one foot out. (No he did not have another girlfriend.) After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage. Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.
  10. Basically since 2019 my mother and father has been divorced. My father moved out in April 2020 because they would argue constantly everyday at home for many reasons. My mom feels as if he walked out on my family as their was a pandemic that just started and she wanted to move out at the same time. My father apologized and acknowledged he was wrong for leaving at such a bad time and not sitting the family down before making that decision and making a plan. He lives still in the town in a small apartment. Whenever I even bring up his name her whole attitude will change after would yell at me for just saying his name. She wants me to let him know that what he did was wrong and not speak to him. In april/may me and him barely spoke because I thought it was wrong of him leaving and spoke to him minimal. He would apologize to me many times and to the whole family & I realized that not speaking to him would only make things worse and I wanted them to at least be able to communicate so they could co-parent. Still in september I get yelled at by her for even just trying to help the situation and in the house I live in it's very uncomfortable because nobody wants to speak to one another. I don't know how to treat the situation or what to do because im only 17 and can't move out or stay anywhere .
  11. [F 45] In messy entanglement with boss [M 42]; job, finances all intertwined and hanging by a thread. I’m a single mom, formerly a stay-at-home mom, who re-entered the workforce after my divorce. My decade long work gap is proving to be a large hurdle. (I’m lucky I look younger than I am, or I’d be dealing with the age hurdle, too.) I’ve found only very low paying jobs without benefits. Even with my income, child support and spousal support combined, I am still poor enough to qualify for state health insurance and food assistance. I’m currently in graduate school (using student loans) hoping a master’s will improve my employment prospects and financial situation. A year ago, the father of my son’s best friend asked me if I would be interested in the office manager position at his small company. I politely declined because the work is not in my field, but also because I thought it would be awkward to work for a “friend.” He continued to bring it up whenever I ran into him and offered me things he knew I needed: a flexible schedule, the ability to work from home, use of a company car, plus the possibility of paying me in cash. Eventually, but with reservations, I accepted the job. I found out quickly that my role is company workhorse. I work 7 days a week, regularly doing the work of two people, and sometimes three people, since my boss takes frequent vacations lasting 4 to 8 weeks at a time. For all of this, I am paid $35,000 a year without any benefits. He pays himself 10 times this amount. I assumed he, like most small business owners, would be a hard worker. He’s not. He lucked into a niche market. The service he provides practically sells itself. A few of his investors have made comments to me about his laziness. I found out his last office manager quit after a year because she was sick of doing all the work for very little pay. She was at least getting monthly bonuses. I’m not. The company car he promised never really materialized and the ability to work from home vanished (unless you count bringing home paper work on nights and weekends). I even use my personal cell phone for all business calls. He did agree to give me a $2.00 an hour raise, but he sneakily switched me from hourly to salary, so I didn’t get a raise at all. I asked him about it, but he told me it would all balance out. When my ex-husband (who also earns a six-figure income) threatened to take me back to court to lower child and spousal support, my boss began paying me partially in cash, but he’s taxing it at his tax rate. This means I’m paid even less than before, just for trying to hang onto enough support money to help keep a roof over my kids’ heads. The office itself has become unsanitary. Although he knows I have an autoimmune condition, and that COVID still exists, he canceled the cleaning service. He now expects me to sweep the wood floors, ignoring that the carpet and restrooms, especially, require far more than a broom. I won’t even use the restrooms. I have a dust allergy and there is a thick layer of dust throughout the office, along with cobwebs and dead bugs. When I asked him to resume the cleaning service he said he’d wait until the next time they call him to ask if we want services. (!?!) I was infuriated the day he sent his kids to wait at the office while the cleaning service finished cleaning HIS HOUSE. All this stuff is bad, but there is also a decidedly darker aspect to his behavior, as I’ve come to realize he has been pretending to care about me in order keep me on board as the low paid workhorse he can take advantage of. He knows I haven’t dated much since my divorce. I am actually very pretty, but also 40 pounds overweight, thus deeply insecure and reluctant to put myself out there until I lose weight. He is flirtatious with me and I think I’ve appreciated the attention because I’m lonely. He’s not handsome, and his personal hygiene isn’t the best, but he can be charming and humorous, so there are times I’ve found myself attracted to him. More confusing, is that for the past year, we’ve been having the kind of deep and intimate conversations people in romantic relationships have. (I realize now he has been faking this, trying to quickly manufacture a closeness so I’d keep doing all the work.) I’ve never brought up the subject, but he has repeatedly made a point of telling me he is single and not dating anyone. I’ve always suspected this is a lie, though, because he puts all of his expenses on the company credit card and I can see numerous charges to dating sites, lingerie stores, florists, jewelers, restaurants and hotels. I just could never fathom (until now) why he was even bothering to lie to me about this. More than once, he led me to believe he was vacationing alone, but when he called me, I could hear a woman whispering in the background. This makes me think others are aware of the trick he has been playing on me. He probably gets a kick out of telling people that all he has to do is ply me with Starbucks and pretend to be attracted to me and I’ll work my ass off for him. Yesterday, I asked him to come into the office because I needed some help before deadline. He acted like this was a big hardship for him, and made excuses about probably getting tied up in traffic, then he abruptly cut me off when he got another call (probably his date for the night). Much to my surprise, he actually showed up at the office 10 minutes later (his date must have been running late,) but I was annoyed the second I looked at him. He was dressed up, in obviously new clothes. He had a new haircut and was freshly shaved. He smelled like cologne. He was distracted, hurrying through the work, making errors and texting someone the entire time, with his phone screen purposely angled away so I couldn’t see it. He left after 20 minutes. On his way out, he told me to have a good weekend. I replied, “You, too.” He got a strange look on his face, possibly a brief flash of guilt, then mumbled something and left. A few minutes later, he called me to apologize for a mistake he made on a contract. In my best nonchalant, excusing voice I said, “Well, you’re preoccupied...” Stunned silence and a long pause on his end, then an awkward laugh. About 15 minutes after that, he texted me to have a good weekend. I didn’t answer and blocked him from my phone. How should I handle this situation? I am insulted and hurt. While I could never truly picture myself in a romantic relationship with him, I cared about him and foolishly believed he cared about me. I don’t think I can stand to see his lying liar face again, but I desperately need the income. The job market is very poor where I live and I can’t imagine another employer willing to pay me in cash. Do I even bother to confront him about any of this?
  12. Hi all, For once I'm not actually posting about myself. I'm posting about concerns and advice for my mother who has been dating someone for the last few years. A little bit of a back story, my Mum was single for about 25 years, after my abusive father was kicked out of the house (never saw him again, and he died in 2013). She focused on raising me and her career. She is now in a quite highly paid job role, and has just gone from strength to strength. A few years ago, so started dating a work colleague (they were initially peers, but she's since become his superior albeit on different teams). He's a bit younger than her, but the age gap isn't really the issue. The main problem is he's separated from his wife, but still living with her - just on the top floor of the house. There is no love there, and it's basically a long drawn out divorce. Last year he broke it off with my Mum, citing needing to get his head sorted and finally out of the house. It broke my Mum's heart but they eventually kind of got back together again, despite nothing changing in his home life. He's been going hot and cold since really. Obviously with the lock-down, they've not seen each other and everything has been on hold. However my Mum has been getting paranoid about his friendship with another female colleague during this time. At the moment, he's not speaking to her outside of work, and my Mum has found evidence that he has been at the colleagues house a few times in the last couple of weeks. There is no evidence that he's having an affair, as to be honest, he's essentially cheating on his separated wife with my Mum, so you wouldn't do the same again with another colleague right? I've stated that because he feels guilt about being around my Mum whilst he's dealing with his difficult home life (work is also a massive stress factor), maybe he's going to this colleague's house as a bit of respite - away from the home and away from the kids. They all work from home by the way. She's convinced there's something else going on, and that they are just lying to her. Now the female colleague could be innocent in all this, supporting her friend by offering a place to chill out for a few hours and get some work done. But not mention it to anyone else in work, as that's how rumours and gossip starts. I've told my Mum this but she's just not listening. I have to see her cry and be depressed constantly and I don't know what to do to help her. Affair or not, he's clearly been messing her about too much and I know she should break it off completely. But she just wants the whole truth and almost a definitive answer that he's sleeping around with another colleague. What's everyone's opinion? Is there anything I can do? She's even talking about getting a tracking device on his car or something as she wants to know for sure, but I'm worried she will throw everything away over him. She's worked incredibly hard over the last 25 years, and I couldn't bare to watch her destroy over this man who doesn't deserve her in the first place.
  13. My wife of 9 years, dating for 12 told me she needs space to work through her past grief or she feels like she's going to explode. I resisted the 'space' at first because in my mind that's a separation and seems marriages often don't come back from separations. I realized I defined the space this way and apologized to her. I told her I support her and she has been staying at her friend’s house for the past week. We have 2 daughters, 7 & 4. My wife has been FaceTiming them a few times this week and my daughters can FaceTime her as well. My wife has come to the house on Thursday to tuck them in (she left the Monday morning before) so she is attempting to see them while she grieves. Her back story - My wife's grief stems from the loss of her mother when she was an early teenager (cancer), the loss of her grandma shortly after, and then her father moving the 2 youngest siblings (12 & 14) several thousand miles away while the 2 oldest siblings (17 & 19) choose to stay in their hometown. The moved happened because he met a woman online shortly after his wife's passing. As you can imagine, this devastated my wife as an early teenager. Moving to a new country without any emotional support of her lifelong friends, huge family, or simply being able to visit her mother’s grave and her dad being checked out on top of it allowed her not to grieve - she just internalized it all. This, of course, led to some destructive behaviors as a teenager that she still regrets to this day. My wife has had a couple of good length relationships and just came out of one when we met. She was 22 and I was 27. My back story - My grief stems from abandonment issues of my childhood/adolescence/life... I'm a military brat which was part of the reason i attended a different school from Kindergarten until 10th grade. I could always make good friendships, but they were always short lived because we would move again. My parents divorced when I was 7, my mom remarried shortly after when I was 8/9-ish, divorced again when I was 14/15 and then my mom remarried with I was 16/17, but I was in a serious relationship with my gf and spent most of my time with her, some friends, at church, or playing football. I attended college in a different city but maintained a long term relationship with my gf and we married in 2003 when I was 22. Our marriage lasted 5 years before her infidelity ended it. We were together 12 years 2 months. And then I met my Current wife, 2 months after my high school sweetheart left (2008) Our back story - My wife and I began talking and had a good connection immediately (2008). We broke up a few times because I was struggling with filing for divorce (abandonment issues much...) despite there was no relationship or communication with my HS sweetheart/spouse. We attempted to reconcile, but it didn’t last a week.. I filed for divorce about a year after I met my wife and it allowed us to get back together. In 2011 my wife and I married. We've moved around a few times having our 2 daughters along the way, but found our way back to the area where we met. This is the longest we've been in one place at 3.5 years. We have an amazing home that we've put some sweat equity in, beautiful yard that's like a park, just installed a pool and got a dog. Our relationship has been great! We have made fantastic memories and really do have a beautiful life. EVERYTHING anyone could ever ask for in life, and not in a material way. I don't say this out of ego, but I am a really good husband and father and she is a great wife and mother. Things are great, or so I thought. My wife started back to school to become a nurse and accomplish a goal of picking up her bachelor’s degree. She met some great friends and they have been spending lots of time together, which I support. She has always had great friendships and when we moved away and had babies, it was difficult for either of us to find friends so it's great she has made great friendships. Her new best friend confided in her as they commuted to school together that she wasn’t happy. That she was thinking about leaving her husband. My wife was a good listener and would attempt to intervene when her friend would think about doing something that could devastate the marriage before she decided to divorce or not. My wife told me everything her friend was going through bc we have a great relationship that we share/discuss/not judgement zone. Her friend filed for divorce last summer. My wifes sister has been dealing with some similar grief issues herself and her spouse doesn’t support her much. She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t have support other that my wife. So my wife has been hearing from 2 of her closest people about bad relationships and divorce and has even commented that she has it great and wishes they had what we have. Last May when school was out for summer, Sarah said she's having issues with her past grief/anxiety and that she's not happy, but her not happy wasn't with our relationship. I encouraged her to seek counseling like she had done a few years previously and she wanted to get back on the meds she was on when she had post-pardom depression with our first daughter so she got back on them and definitely helped with the anxiety, especially with the heavy load of nursing school. Things were good (or seemed so). We went on 3 awesome vacations to make up for the time that we didn't get to spend as a family while she was in school. She would study every night and I practically did everything (until she fired me from doing laundry, lol). I put my high stress & great job track on the back burner and focused on taking care of everything at home. Sarah even thought that moving to Boston would be where she wanted to be. I interviewed for jobs and attempted to move us, but ultimately, she said shes developed great friendships and has a job coming up so she wants to stay here now. We have a modern relationship as we firmly believe in contributing to equally to household duties. We have our 'division of responsibilities' which definitely helps know who does what and we def equally contribute. I promise you, if our life were on Instagram, it would be one of those that everybody wants. It is fantastic for both of us. I’m not making this up. Sure we have our arguments, but we have great relationship. Our summer was a great time of connecting and we would discuss her meds/grief/happiness/seeking counseling. All was good. School started back up again before she started counseling. We made it through the last year of school and of course, the Corona hit... This definitely put a damper on my wife's attitude. We followed social distancing protocols (of course, she's about to be a new nurse! lol) but you could see she was getting stir crazy and of course i was working from home. Crazy time for everybody. As soon as she could, she was seeing friends again, making plans to hike with friends, etc, but never making time/plans for us to do anything. It's almost like as her friendship grew, as her relationship with her sister grew, as she finished school which is such a confidence boost that she began having less time for me. I brought this up to her several times, but she just dismissed it as she needs to get out of the house bc of the Corona. We still never planned anything. Everything was about her friends/sister/hiking/tubing saying it was all for therapy. She definitely wasn't out partying or anything, but she also wasn't making time for me. No infidelity on anybody's part, but the distancing is difficult for me to deal with, especially since she's doing things i would love to do with her. I was an avid hiker back in the day and would love to spend that time/experience with her. Now to the Recent stuff - a little over a week ago she told me she wasn't happy again. That she's never dealt with her grief and NEEDS to do that. She asked about getting away for a few days and, in hindsight, I should have agreed because it seems like that would have been good and might have 'return date'. Instead i defined it as a separation and that 87% of marriages don't get back together after a separation (damn you Google! haha). Over the course of a day or so, we discussed it more and i kept pushing back, but eventually agreed to support and trust her, just like i always do, but i was definitely having issues with my abandonment issues and it was bringing up stuff from my past that was hard to ignore. There are soo many similarities in how my ex left to what my spouse is doing/has done, except for the infidelity. The hiking/new friends/distancing/etc. I recognize all of these are healthy things especially to clear your head, but because they are exactly the same from previous, it puts me in a bad place. When my ex left there was absolutely no hope. She cheated multiple times and wanted a separation. She kept cheating during the separation and was not in communication with me. It's similar but completely different this time. My wife needs some space to work on her self, is in counseling, we go to marriage counseling, and we talk/text multiple times daily. She left on Monday morning to stay with a friend. She went to her first counseling session and called me afterword and told me in an upbeat good mood saying all of this is about her unresolved grief and it has nothing to do with our marriage and we're going to be great in the end! Fantastic news! Awesome! It was day 1. Night 1 was a totally different scenario, because i'm an idiot and insecure and reliving my past grief. as my wife said to me, the body recognized trauma. My body definitely started recognizing trauma and my insecurities came out in the middle of the night. I saw that she had facetimed the girls but never bother to call/text me that evening. Granted we talked/text during the day, but what's common sense have to do with grief! lol. Definitely don't have a few bourbons when your wife leaves - it only makes it worse. So of course i self-sabotaged. I happened to come across an old ipad of hers earlier in the day and thought nothing of it. In the wee hours of the morning when i could sleep (literally got no sleep that night) i cracked it open and attempted to login into stuff. i only did it for a little bit and realized how wrong i was and insecure i was being. This is not what she needed and definitely doesn't come across as supporting/trusting her. Of course, this caused her get notifications that someone was trying to hack her accounts. That made day 2 a bit uncomfortable and probably caused some damage... We discussed my actions and she shared that night 1 was rough for her too.. At her friends house, she had a few glasses of wine and cried all night to her 2 friends that were there. We discussed how this sucks for both of us but it's what's best for Her. Definitely not what seems like best for Me. And that's the biggest problem. I keep making this about me! We've talked/texted everyday this week. We attended our first marriage counseling session on Thursday (first time i saw here since she left) and that was a disaster bc i made it about me again. I thought maybe we could ride together, but instead of asking her, i waited for a text that never came. so approx an hour before the session i told her i'd see her there and to drive safe. I was trying to protect myself from her declining my inquiry, but i did more damage. She said she would have wanted to ride together, just wasn't something she thought of yet. (how do you not think of it - oh yeah, you're dealing with grief and this isn't about me...) We ended up riding together, but i was in a foul mood bc it seemed she didn't want to be with me. me and the counselor argued a bit because i felt she was shutting my feelings down, but i was wrong and in a bad place. damn it. I dropped my wife off at her car and she said she'll pick the girls up from daycare if i'll pick up the food. so she came over and we ate but then the dog got attacked by a deer... yep, a deer. so we had to rush to vet and get checked out. of course, my wife feels guilty about this because she let the dog out but its not her fault. another thing for her to grieve and be distant about... ugh. she stayed to put the kids to bed and then we chatted for a bit. again i made it about me and cried that i want her in my life and that this process sucks too much. I told her i'm afraid she's doing this as a trial divorce. i'm stupid and grieving myself. I told her i don't understand how you're going to work thru your stuff and become better at your friends house, away from your family. She says she needs the independence and not being here helps her focus on herself. not having to worry about the kids or me, but all she's done is worry about me and the kids. completely my fault for continuing to make it about me. The next day, she came over in the morning to drop off the Jeep that she has so that i could tow some equipment - we installed a pool and now there's crazy yard work to do and somebody's got to do it. She came over after her work orientation and of course, i unloaded and cried like a baby. telling her all the same ol stuff again and again, blabbering like a fool. a fool madly in love with her. she cried a bunch too but said she doesnt know about us because she doesn't know about anything. she has no answers and just needs time. I completely get it, but don't like it. We cried (a lot), we laughed (some), we embraced, we hugged, we kissed (just on the lips). I asked her if we could go hiking next friday, i'd take the day off and could go do a hike she's been wanting to do, but nobody else will go with her. her response floored me. She said she needs to ask her therapist... Soooo she wants to come spend time with me on Father's Day (her choice) but has to ask the therapist if she can spend time with me to hike? not the response i thought i'd get. I'm trying to work on our relationship to keep our bond, but maybe it's too early for that. but then, whens the right time before it's too late... this sucks. Then i had to go to get my hair cut and she was going with her friend that she's staying with to tube down the river. She said as a form of therapy. I truly do get it. definitely therapeutic and a great way to get away from all the grief and thoughts swirling around in ones head. If you've never been tubing, you should try it. This isn't whitewater rafting. it's simply slowly floating down a river seeing nature from a raw perspective. I was ok with it. my issue with any of her hiking/tubing/etc has been more the jealously/enviousness as i'd love to spend that time with her or doing those things. instead i'm at home watching the kids 24/7 and working from home in a high stress position. It just all sucks and i keep making it about myself. I'm grieving and dealing with the past grief/trauma of my life all at the same time. ouch. I am starting counseling on Wednesday (first appt i could get, even telehealth). I don't want to keep making the same mistakes and pushing her away or making her define what going on. I keep putting myself into my work, then the yard, then cleaning the house (and laundry!), but of course, I wasn't dealing with the grief of losing my wife. I realize that now and trying to deal. That's why i'm on this board. to vent, to seek a safe space to share, to talk, to open up like i've never opened up before and it's therapeutic (for the moment). I was sad all day yesterday after seeing my wife. i cried all day. unfortunately, i even cried in front of the kids several times after picking them up from daycare, but they were rockstars and told me it going to be ok. they gave me hugs/kisses/snuggles and helped take the edge off. My wife text me on the way to tubing/while on the river/on the way back. we even talked per my text request. she called when she got service again and we chatted for a few min. i wanted to tell her how great the kids did amongst me not keeping it together. The kids had told her via facetime that i cried a few times. I partly wanted to talk about the kids, but i really just wanted to hear her voice again. I didn't unload, but did tell her i was sad and missed her. She said the same, but with less emotion than me. I did ask about the river and looked forward to seeing the pics. Shes been planning to come over on Saturday to spend time with the kids and then again on Sunday for Father's day, if i'm ok with it. Of course i am, but i don't want to be a mess. I just want things to go smooth and be great like usual. I asked her on friday to set my expectations straight about this weekend. I put myself out there and elaborated - i have hopes she'll be either stay Saturday night to be here in the morning for breakfast (we're a big breakfast at the table family) and then spend the day Sunday, and maybe things will go well and she'll stay again... of course, that's not what she thinks will be good for her. She wants to come over on Saturday for just a couple of hours (no clue when but i didn't push for a time - door is open anytime) and then she'll come over Sunday/Father's Day and we're all going to go for a Jeep ride because that's what i'd like to do as a family. She didn't define how long she'll be here on Father's day, and again, i didn't seek to clarify. door is open. I'm trying to make progress and our communication is great via text/phone, but i break down in person. part of me thinks it's not a good idea for her to come over, but the other part longs to see her and spend the day as a family because it may be the last time ever, even if it's not the same as before - which it won't be... But i'll be glad to spend time with her. I got some sleep last night but woke at 3am - so instead of internalizing or cleaning, i journaled. it was good and got some thoughts on paper. i got back in bed and slept for another couple of hours getting up at 7am to journal some more and re-read my journal entries from this week. what a roller coaster. i'm definitely internalizing too much and making this all about me when its all about her and her grief, i just don't want to lose US, our family, our relationship, our dreams, our life, goals, etc. it just sucks. I can comprehend that life goes on, i know this from previous experience. I know there's 'other fish in the sea' and all that crap, but i don't want another fish. I want this one and this life and everything we've built together! I keep telling myself i'm not in control of her actions or anything that’s happening really, but i can have an influence slightly with my behavior and so far i'm doing a horrible job. I can only control MY actions even though its really difficult when grieving. "if i just tell her how much i miss her, she’ll understand and come back". Nope. not gonna happen. All i can do is focus on me, but that soo hard to do when i'm thinking about her and having to handle everything at the house with the kids, you know, feeding them, swim lessons, daycare 3 days a week, etc. I completely understand why she had to get out to work on herself. Its really difficult to do with soo many distractions. I just pray she gets through it and comes back, soon. Looking forward - My wife starts her new job on 6/29 and she probably won't be back home for that. I can't help but feel like she's starting a new chapter without me/us/family. How can people return to their family when they've started a new chapter? She's supposed to be working on herself, but now she'll be working 3, 12 hour shifts while staying at her friends. It feels like she's starting a new life. The following week is July 4th. That was the night we met 12 years ago. Coincidentally, its approx the same amount of time of my first marriage. My HS sweetheart left/separated at 12 years, 2 months. My wife left to work on herself at 11 years, 11 months. Ugh. All these similarities. I try not to think about them bc my wife is not my ex, but why is everything lining up similarly? I get that i'm making it about me and i'm finding these similarities - and i shouldn't bc that just makes it worse. double ugh... Is my 'Relationship Shelf Life' 12 years? lol. I get that she probably won't be back for July 4th/12 years, but i pray that she'll get to a point that she says "its time to go home and continue working on things WITH my family" or something to that effect. One of my fears i'm having is that she starts her job (hasn't worked since mid 2010 due to high risk pregnancy, stay at home mom, nursing school) and when she gets her first pay check, she either deposits it in a new bank account or withdrawals it all. Why am i even thinking this far out about it?? None of this on her part is premeditated. I'm just in my own head waayyy too much and trying to protect myself from the circumstances or what may become... I love my wife and will do anything for her. What i should be doing is letting her be and grieve and not make this about me. I have that clarity/objectivity to know that so why can't i just do it. Stop over thinking everything like i always do and just take it day by day. text by text. and whatever happens, happens... ugh. I know i'll be alright in the end, its just the journey to get there i'm afraid of. What if, what if, what if, pain, pain, pain, sorrow, loss, grief, suckfest, children hurting, all of it. damn it. All i can do is day by day, focus on myself while handling everything because i have no one to help. I big piece i forgot to mention in this novel is that i don't have any close friendships - i lost those in the first divorce (he's married to my ex's sister...) and it's difficult to make friends outside of work. on top of that, the relationship with my mom is non-existent as she was/is horrible to my wife and she no-showed my daughters birthday and then lied about it. lots of drama around her for another post... haha ; but point being i don't have anyone or any help so its difficult to focus on myself. daycare 3 days a week and iPads are the best thing i have. granted iPads are the best option for the kids, but i have to have time to grieve and move on with my life - let the cards fall where they may. I look forward to our marriage counseling even though we both agree we don't like her, but its a time/date circled on the calendar that i get to see my wife. I look forward to my individual counseling session as well. I pray for the best outcome possible and i do have hope our relationship will work. there are lots of little things that say it can and will. our communication was always pretty good, but now its great. despite her being away, she's still contacting me. I hope it's not out of guilt and just to see that im ok so she can not feel guilty... This week's probably going to tell us a lot about what may come. Does she keep communicating with me or does she start putting distance between us? Does the children visitation become more formal (she’ll see them on XYZ dates) or does it stay how it is and comes over randomly to see them? I pray her counseling session on Monday goes really well and that she makes progress on her grief. I know counselors don't necessarily tell you what to do, but i hope my wife gets some clarity that spending time with the family/me is good for her and can give her hope. My wife hasn't said she doesn't want to be in this relationship, that shes just confused/not sure about anything in her life including herself. On top of all this, this Tuesday is the anniversary of her mothers passing. Tuesday is going to be VERY difficult for her and it physical pains me not to be there for her. Every year I have taken the day off to be with her, or around, or not – whatever she wants me to do to support her, and this is the first time I’m not allowed to be there for her. I usually get her flowers and a card so I’m going to do just that. I have a card and plan to get flowers on Tuesday and then drop them off. Give her a hug, say I understand and I Love you. I just want her to be ok and know that I’m still there for her. I won’t make it about me anymore. It’s about her. Everything I’ve done is about and for her, so I’m not going to make it about me other than seeking counseling and working on myself.  I write all this really to be therapeutic for myself, to get it out there instead of just a journal. Like i said, i don't have ANYBODY in my life that i can talk with other than my wife and a counselor. I'm making baby steps to meet some people/go to support group, etc. So if you've read all of this, i apologize for putting ALL of my thoughts on paper and the internet. yikes! If you respond, i ask that you be respectful of what i'm going through and your responses. i understand plenty of others have went through similar situations and survived. Hell, i myself have before! :) I know everything will be ok eventually, regardless of the outcome. We're both finally seeking healthy ways of dealing with our stuffs, i just wish my wife would attempt to do it from the house again... Thanks for listening. Thanks for not judging, Thanks for allowing this to be a therapeutic session for me. Thanks for giving me somebody to talk to.
  14. I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with he’s still in constant contact, they text everyday. When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that he’s met someone and they can’t communicate anymore (I don’t want him to go completely cold on her but explain what’s going on). It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people. I don’t know how I should feel. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him as he’s still holding onto the past. I’m really don’t know if I’m even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didn’t cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. It’s been 4 years since the affair and I know she’s going through her divorce now. I’ve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday. I would love to hear some advice on the matter. Thanks.
  15. This is going to be long-winded, I'm sorry. I'll try to make it as easy as possible. Please be kind with responses. I am 31 and my bf is 42. We met working at the same place when he was a new hire. He was unhappily married and I was lonely and really liked him but I told him I wouldn't be involved unless he left her. He did and he also found a new job so we could be together without issue. He has been with me since, for 1.5 years. He also lives with me atm, which is what makes it so hard. Bf is a good man. Works hard, loyal, friendly, romantic. Incredibly well-mannered and respectful from being a Marine. He has untreated issues from serving overseas twice and permanent injuries because of being hit by a drunk driver off-base. He was in a coma for a week. He is deaf in one ear, has short term memory loss and scars all over his body from skin grafts. He suffered a lot. He is also very "passive" in life, meaning he has goals but he doesn't really know how to and doesn't work towards them. He has no ambition and will just sit inside all the time unless I bug him to go out. He has absolutely no-self confidence. None. It's actually quite sad because he's a good guy but he's been beaten down all his life. But he is just so immature and it's getting to me. He doesn't know how to control his finances, he doesn't know how to plan or save for anything. He's been in Canada since 2015 (moved here after his honorable discharge) for his ex and has nothing. No home, no permanent job (he has had four jobs since I met him). He hasn't been able to afford getting divorced yet. He just bought a car that is way outside his means, he just jumped in. He does pay rent and all bills but then he goes $250 into overdraft every month on takeout, energy drinks, coffee shop stops, junk food while he games. He is behind on his cell phone bill and who knows how many others because he doesn't know how to prioritize. I have to make budgets. I have to make decisions. If we need to research something like insurance rates (for his car), I have to write down a list of places for him to call. I literally have to leave him lists of things to do or he'll just forget and won't do it. If we're trying to save for something, he literally has to transfer money to me so I can put it in my savings account for him. It's almost like having a child - and that is something I have never wanted. Things started getting rocky a few weeks ago and I asked for a break. He broke down of course. He has no emotional capacity and doesn't know how to deal with feelings. He shuts down and beats himself up for everything. He found a place to go - and it was well outside his means because he doesn't understand what he can afford - so I took pity and let him stay with me. I knew he was about to jump into another thing he couldn't afford. We talked and because he still has the appointments to get help and he started helping out more, I agreed to give it another try. Things were actually going really well. We sat down and had a talk about how he has to 100% keep seeing his doctor and therapist. He is on meds for depression now. Financials are still horrible. We were really getting along great, no worries... and then today he got suspended from work with no pay for an entire week because he rudely snapped at a customer (which is very much not like him). They said he isn't fired but they aren't sure what to really do because it isn't like him at all. I love this man. I envisioned a future with him but since he came to Canada his luck has been horrible and he can't seem to get ahead. He has the best intentions and he tries so hard but nothing seems to work out. He has no friends, his family is all in New York. I'm wondering if maybe it's best for him to go back to the States for a while, but I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm torn because of my feelings for him but I know deep down that he isn't going to change and it sucks because he has so much potential. I'm currently saving up for a house, I'm getting a new puppy in a month, I'm getting my beginner's license as soon as things open up again. I'm thinking about going back to school in a year or two. I have goals, things I'm working towards but I spend so much time focusing on his life that I'm barely focusing on my own. Bf is just so mentally unstable that I'm honestly afraid to ask him to leave. I don't think that he can take care of himself, which is why I feel so damn trapped. I care about him and don't want anything bad to happen to him.
  16. Long story short, I had a beautiful romance with a wonderful woman who treats me great, but she is a single mom with 5 kids. I found out about the kids early on, and should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy and I'd never gotten along so perfectly with any woman in my life. She saved me from terrible depression and we had great times together for 2 years, but now it's commitment time. She is financially strapped and I have been feeling bad about that since the beginning, and have helped her financially (and was happy to do so; she NEVER asked for help. I offered it unprompted.) But her being so poor really bothers me because I want her and her kids to have a safe place to live. Recently I started spending time with her kids (2 of whom are 4 and 5 yrs old and they adore me). I generally love kids and get on well with them, and her children are no exception; the problem is they're getting attached to me now, and I don't want to hurt them. She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread. Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him, but if I jump into this thing, I'll have to deal with this guy, share the kids with him, and basically give him power over my life. He can make trouble in many ways for us. I don't have an aversion to raising someone else's kids. That's not really the issue here. What I DO have a problem with is the size of this commitment (4 of these kids are still at home) and the uncertainty of dealing with the ex and whatever hassles he can send our way (which he will, I'm sure, as he'll always be angry at her for leaving him). This is not the life I envisioned for myself. So despite the fact that this woman is fantastic in every way aside from her baggage, I find myself feeling horrible dread over the prospect of moving her and her kids into my place. This woman loves me unreservedly and has told me many times that I'm the love of her life and if this doesn't work out, she's done looking for Mr Right and will remain single the rest of her life (she's 45). I'm not taking that literally, and she's beautiful so there's always going to be some man interested in her, but I feel incredibly guilty thinking about leaving because I know she'll be devastated, and knowing I really could give her and her kids a better life. The problem is, I'd be improving their lives quite possibly at the expense of my own. I don't have a lot of good years left (I'm 48) and I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago. This was my first relationship post-divorce, and it sucked me in and took me on a roller coaster ride. It's been wonderful up to this point. What kills me is I adore this woman, and I actually do like her kids, especially the 2 little ones who are so cute and lovable and full of fun. I never had kids of my own (low sperm count), but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, but my heart tortures me with guilt. Horrible, overwhelming guilt that robs me of my sleep and leaves me unable to even concentrate on anything during the day. I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I know, logically that many of my concerns are overstated. I would "only" be directly caring for 2 kids (not 5) but I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing. This could be very sweet domestic bliss or it could all go south easily. Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!
  17. First, I'm new here. Thanks for letting that happen. Secondly, I'm a 53-year old male, separated/divorced over 4 years. Father of twin teens that are the air that I breathe. Marriage ended unexpectedly, still not sure I understand why she refused to even attempt to save it. But we remain as friends and coparent very well. I'm monogamous and have dated a few women but nothing beyond a few months. All my life I thought I knew what "love" was. And it's what I have always looked for. But between observations, discussions with others - friends, coworkers, etc. during my marriage, and especiallly since my marriage ended - today I had an epiphany. And I'd like your thoughts on it. I thought love was a feeling, an emotion, that started with attraction / chemistry and grew from there. I thought it was about two people admiring and caring for each other. One always wanting the best for the other and trying to provide it. Cheerleading and supporting each other, and providing (hopefully in the right way) constructive criticism. And I thought everything else in those two lives blossomed from that. But what I've seen and heard, and even what's been suggested (albeit indirectly)to me by several people is that RELATIONSHIPS between men and women are more transactional than emotional. Meaning: Women primarily want security and material desires met. No I don't mean carte blanche shopping every day. I mean "pay / help pay the bills, move me to where I've always dreamed of living, give me a comfortable life or better. In exchange for that I can tolerate sharing a bed and having sex with you". Men primarily want from women their meals cooked, house cleaned, sex, and if it happens, the woman to raise the kids. In exchange for that I can tolerate your bat- craziness (and other sexist things said about women). And perhaps those few extra pounds you will gain. This doesn't meet the "give and take" vision of relationships that I've had since I discovered girls. No, this sounds a lot like raw barter - for tat, quid pro quo, you scratch my back . . . . trade. Transactions. BUSINESS. The light finally got bright enough for me to take notice today, when a coworker said he'd offered is wife $100K just to leave and never return. Seems the bartering isn't working anymore so he offered a . . . . buy out. Another type of transaction. BUSINESS. I looked, and am again looking for my soulmate. My partner in LIFE, not in business. Someone who will do things for me because she loves me, not because it gives her the right to expect something in return. And I would do the same for her. I thought from THAT foundation, all the other stuff - dream houses, vacations, moving to that favorite place . . . one or both staring a company . . . .the building of a LIFE and realization of dreams - had a chance of happening. But increasingly people seem to believe that it's about finding someone you can tolerate enough to get from them the things you want or need for yourself. If that's really the way it is . . . color me single for the remainder of my days. I will not settle - and certainly not for THAT. Discuss.
  18. I am at a point in my life where I am reeling from what happened to me. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance still, so I do not think I fully comprehend what has happened to me yet. I met a guy 1.5 years ago on Tinder. He was perfect to me, everything about him. Everything I ever wanted. It was just after the wedding invitations went out that I noticed he would say hurtful things, and apologize but it wasn't genuine whatsoever. My unease began growing, but I thought it could be wedding jitters. I had no idea what the actual issue was but I didn't feel right. I will go into detail of everything that happened and the red flags. But for now, I just want to know if anyone has ever been through something like this. Experienced severe gaslighting, lying, and feeling like the rug was pulled from underneath you in a second.
  19. We met when we were both unhappy in our marriages but our spouses hadn't yet filed for divorce. We were just friends for months, then things turned sexual/romantic, but I didn't think he was serious (i.e. no Talk about being exclusive, etc) so a few times I accepted dates with other men and didn't think much of it. Eventually I told him and he was extremely upset, saying we were dating exclusively, and he turned very serious in the way he talked about us and the future. He asked me on vacation with him to faraway countries twice, and I went. Currently he says after a 12-year marriage (with kids), he feels he doesn't believe in love and won't trust anyone ever again - not that I'm not trustworthy, but it's his issue. He said he thought he'd be ready to move on, and if there was any 1 person in the world who'd made him want to do that, it was me -- but actually he's not ready for commitment, and he needs to deal with his issues after such a long marriage in his own time. He says he's scared I'm going to get tired of him and leave him like I left my husband. He brings up how I used to say I loved my husband in social media posts, but what did that mean now that I left him? Yet he continues to want to see me (and my child, actually) multiple times per week. Most recently he took my child & me to dinner but didn't even try anything physically with me. When I say "you clearly just want to be friends, so I can obviously date who I want," he doesn't agree and says he's not telling me to find someone else, he isn't letting me go, etc. This is ridiculous.
  20. I met J (47) at the gym. I'm 30. We became friends and shortly after due to a different reason I moved in with him. Along the course of our friendship I have been blurring the lines a bit. He is a recently divorced Dad of four and I don't have a relationship I am currently working. Anyway I promised my mom that it wouldn't go beyond a platonic friendship because his kids visit a lot and I am working hard on some upcoming exams. Unfortunately we have almost had sex. I have mixed feelings about this. I think I have been doing so out of needing to be wanted and he probably is doing the same. I am not sure how he feels about me because he did ask me out on valentines day but he says he doesnt have the time/desire for a relationship. I havent been in any relationships so i am not sure what I want. Can someone please help me?
  21. I've worked with my boss for 9 months. I'm a 24 yo lady and he's around 43 (divorced with 2 kids). Ever since day 1 there has been sexual tension between us. He is nice, handsome, sexy and very understating (I've always had a crush on him, and I'm sure I'm not the only one because he's charming!) He has shown special interest in me, but lately he started acting sexual towards me. - He always prefers to text me at night, and sometimes after midnight (when he's horny) he starts sexting me but not directly. For example, he sends me inappropriate emojis that show he would love to sleep with me - He notices my clothes, eyes and body (he complimented my body twice but not in a weird way) - He looks at my hands, fingers, toes when I talk to him - He calls me special nicknames - I make him laugh and he loves it - He trusts me and asks for my opinion - Sometimes he asks me to stay longer so he can have a one-to-one conversation with me - One day he left work early and I didn't know so I texted him saying I needed to talk to him and he actually came all the way back just for me - If I walked into the office without saying hi to him with a big smile, he would act cold with me the whole day Also, the CEO once wanted to move me to another department because they needed more employees there, and my boss actually refused! He told the CEO (his manager) that he wouldn't let me go. I don't know if that means he likes me or just sexually attracted to me but either way I still haven't reacted to his sexual behavior yet because I'm not sure what to do, I just ignore it now. I mean it's obvious that I like him but I also want to keep my job, I don't wanna ruin my relationship with him.
  22. Finding this site has been a godsend... Like seriously. So much great advice in here. Anyway, I couldn't really find a forum that matches my issue, but "Breaking Up Advice" seemed to be the closest. I'm 43, been married 24 years and separated almost 2 years, trying to work the divorce but my wife refuses to acknowledge my existence. We had plans to move from NC to MO for a new job I was offered, but when it came time to move she decided to move onto her mother's 36-acre farm. She has no living expenses and she's where she doesn't need me so she's decided we're done. Meanwhile I started my new job in a new state. She blocked me from social media and changed her phone number, etc. so she doesn't have to talk to me. I'd really like to know why she abruptly decided to leave, but I guess after so many years she saw a chance for her own life independent of me. Working the divorce is difficult to say the least. Last year I met a 39 year old woman, also divorcing, and we really hit it off. Like we're opposite-sex replicas of each other. I've never opened up to someone like her in my entire life. Then she had 3 friends die in a month and she relapsed on heroin. She pushed me away, later I found out because she was trying to kill herself by overdose. I say later because I reached back out to her after a couple months. I spent the next 5 months "helping" her to find a way to get clean (she lost her job, no health insurance, and denied state help). She tried for 2 months to get into the Methadone clinic but each time was denied due to doctor shortage. They only would take in 1 out of 10 patients seeking help each week. She finally gave up and bought her own Methadone from a friend and started her own detox. 2 weeks later she blew up on me, blocked me from her social media and asked I don't text or call her. That was Dec 30th, 2019. 45 days ago. I actually was relieved at first since I knew she was dragging me down mentally and emotionally. I sort of cut my losses and made the most of my life. I had a great 3 weeks of going out with friends, self care, etc. But I've just hit a wall last couple weeks where I keep thinking back at how well her and I connected. I shared so much with her. We'd talk on the phone for 3-5 hours a day (before and after her relapse). We'd text everyday. She was an awesome FB friend. I legitimately miss the hell out of her. She would tell me often how much she wanted to be with me and wanted to move up here and how special I was to her. But I always told her we couldn't have a relationship until she was clean, even if that took months or years. Then in her last text she accused me of being obsessed over her and that she could not be my friend because I wasn't capable of a friendship. Now I just feel anger that I was only used by her. I really just want some sort of closure. It's bad enough I'm embarrassed at myself for letting her get to me in the first place. I know getting so close to her was a bad idea, but for her to lie to me and block me out of all contact with her just hurts. Some points of interest: * We live 6-hours apart * We never slept together * We never dated, but did have a couple evenings out and shared one kiss, which was possibly the best kiss of my life * We have 2 mutual FB friends that are her friends, but they never ask me about her or what happened, despite the fact we've chatted often since then I haven't texted or called since that day on December 30th. I used to mail her cards and packages all the time, but haven't since that day. I know you can't be in a relationship with someone going through a detox. I really tried my best to be a good friend to her. I know I need to concentrate on getting my divorce behind me, but right now I have no one to confide in or vent to. That part really sucks. She also has a stuffed animal of mine from when I was 8 years old. I let her borrow it to help her sleep. She hasn't sent it back to me. I really would like to ask for it back but haven't. I want to reach out to her but haven't. Thanks for your time in reading this. Sorry it's such a long post.
  23. Hi everyone. I am new to this group and would love some impartial advise as im not sure if i am being a and over the top. I recently broke up with my GF. I loved her very much and we got on very well for a year but during that year she has been going through a messy divorce and her x still calls the house every day and is incredible controlling and constantly calling her kids and asking questions about me and what she has been doing. It felt like there were three of us in the relationship and I could only visit after the kids were in bed as he was still paying some of the mortgage so there have been a few issues. She also swapped the weekends she had her kids so we could hardly ever spend any one on one time together. She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. This upset me tbh although i dont like the guy this seems totally unfair and i was shocked that she could do this to someone she spend 18 years with although he did treat her very badly. I told her the truth about how i felt about it and it didnt go down well. We did get over the argument but last weekend she had been away with friends for what she said was a relaxing weekend away with the girls and after she was showing me picks of the weekend and accidentally flicked past a pick of a naked guy. I made her show me the pick and it turns out they had ordered a stripper to the house when they were having a party. Most people i know seem to be ok about it and think its fine but i couldn't handle it and finished it. I think if it was in a club it wouldn't have bothered me as much but in a private house with a load if drunk women i feel like anything could happen and i wouldn't have a clue. I have to admit i do have trust issues as i have been cheated on before and i always think the worst so this is a massive deal to me that she didn't tell me. My GF has been trying to persuade me to chill out about it saying im over the top for getting upset about it I would love to know peoples opinions on this. Am i being a jealous and going over the top or are my negative feelings about this justified. Should i chill out about it?
  24. I dated a woman for almost exactly one year. In the beginning she had committment issues and we broke up twice due to her not being ready to commit. She came back both times and finally committed and things were overall going well. Her family loved me and we had a great time together. Fast forward to this past weekend...were at her moms house and we had a great time. Once her mom went to bed we go downstairs and my ex made some rude remark about a shirt i had and i asked her "what is your deal?" She then immediately took her stuff and went to another bedroom. I followed to ask her what's going on and she pushed me. I instinctively reacted by grabbing her arm. I immediately let go and said some terrible things to her about how her bitterness from her divorce has been an ongoing issue in this relationship. I then packed my stuff, left, and broke up with her. I texted her family goodbye and they were very supportive saying I worked really hard to make this work and they are sad I'm gone. The next day I texted her to apologize for my contribution to the issue only to find out she had blocked me on everything except instagram. I then messaged her on instagram only to have her read it and block me. This is the first time I have broken up with her and I took her back the 2 times she broke up with me amd came back. This was a massive fight and break up but has anyone had something like this where they came back or things were fixable? At the very least I'd love to sit down with her and have a conversation about what went wrong. We've had some issues but a lot of our issues were slowly improving as the relationship progressed. If anyone has been in this position, I'd like to hear what happened for you?
  25. Hi all, I am at a point in my life where I am reeling from what happened to me. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance still, so I do not think I fully comprehend what has happened to me yet. I met a guy 1.5 years ago on Tinder. He was perfect to me, everything about him. Everything I ever wanted. It was just after the wedding invitations went out that I noticed he would say hurtful things, and apologize but it wasn't genuine whatsoever. My unease began growing, but I thought it could be wedding jitters. I had no idea what the actual issue was but I didn't feel right. I will go into detail of everything that happened and the red flags. But for now, I just want to know if anyone has ever been through something like this. Experienced severe gaslighting, lying, and feeling like the rug was pulled from underneath you in a second.
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