BeStrongBeHappy

i think NC shouldn't be viewed as a 'religion', i.e., the right, the one, the only way to go, but it is extraordinarily useful and a 'best practice' when one has broken up, and is obsessing about the ex and in tons of pain from every contact... and i think in abusive relationships, or obsessive ones, it is TOTALLY required to break the cycle of unhealthy behavior and interaction... what 'good' NC is is re-establsihing a boundary around yourself, and giving yourself room and time and good conditions to heal from a breakup... kind of like rehab for the heart!

i think you do have a chance, but you put him in a really impossible position before by making him choose between paying attention to you or his children... he is probably very gunshy after that experience, and not sure you are totally sincere, or even really have had a change of heart, since that was pretty selfish of you, especially considering they are children who really need a father's love and presense, and not to be hated/excluded by his father's girlfriend... so the good news is you recognize you were wrong, but the bad news is he is probably being very cautious becuase of this, and not sure whether you can do a complete turnaround to be a good stepmother to them... having said that, i think that you have to add one more condition to getting back together, that you will totally and completely accept that his children are your children too, and you must accept them, love them, and treat them with the same consideration and love as you would him or your own natural born children... i think you have fully accepted that you love him enough to 'try', but you need to spend as much time focusing on his children as you do on him.... that might mean going into family counseling together with him and his kids as soon as you move back, and even personal counseling to understand why you would feel the need to complete with his kids for his attention, and why you felt threatened by them, or angry at them... a parent-child relationship is totally different than a husband-wife/boyfriend-girlfriend partnership, and if you saw his children as competition, you need to straighten your head out about that with counseling before you consider marrying him... best of luck, it does sound like you really love each other, just extend your circle of love to include his children, and you will do fine!

Well, i think if someone literally grosses you out when you kiss him, that is probably one of the biggest red flags on the planet that he is not the one for you... if you have been attracted to other people, even one other person, and this guy totally turns you off, then he is better a friend than romance... its not really fair to date him either, if you are uncomfortable with physical relations with him... you both deserve someone who enjoys intimacy with each other... i think it might be better for you to consider counselling since it has been a year since your breakup and you are not healing and still upset about it... i also think that you need to realize that being in any kind of bad relationship is NOT better than being on your own, spending time with friends, and being available to actually meet someone you DO want to be with... i think if you still think you need to mourn another 2 or 3 years, then it is time to go to a counselor so that you can reclaim your life and happiness... you also could be clinically depressed, and might want to be evaluated for that... depression colors everything, and stifles desire in particular... also, have you ever considered adopting, or being a foster parent if you want to have children in your life? i know everyone wants the 'perfect package' of husband, babies, etc., but even what appear to be perfect families aren't perfect, and lots of people end up raising children as single parents... life doesn't always work out according to the perfect family plan model, and there are tons of people who discover parenthood with adopted children at your age or older... so please get some counselling for yourself, to rediscover the joy in your life, and to help you see that there are so many happy roads in life, that one doesn't have to continue down one that is not fulfilling, or making you sad all the time... the first step is the hardest, but please take it for your future health and happiness....

they are always dicey for lots of reasons... but it depends on how closely you work together too... if you are in a small company or same/nearby groups, other people can resent it if they think that two people are dating, or flirting on company time, due to preferential treatment, loyalties, or what they consider indiscretions or disruptions of workplace relationships, etc. and it goes without saying that it could always bring up sexual harassment lawsuits, if one of the other person turns bitter, or one person misunderstands someone else's intentions... and of course if you break up, you have that person where you have to see them etc., which can be very difficult for healings.. and one person can behave badly, and bring the resentment out in an embarrassing way in front of co-workers... i had a workplace stalker once, and never even dated him, in fact wanted nothing to do with him, but it became very awful, because it gets into those terrible your word vs. theirs situations... that same scenario is much more likely if you date someone and break up wtih them, and they don't want to break up with you and have psychological problems so you can't shake them easily without quitting your job... having said that, lots of people do end up meeting people they date at work, and sometimes marrying.. but it is always a bit more complicated due to the work connection plus the personal one... so if you are dating someone or want, to try to set some groundrules about keeping any personal conversations/interactions outside work hours, and don't talk about the relationship with your co-workers at all, can come back to haunt you if you get to be a big source of gossip etc.

i am so sorry, it must be terrible after all this time to discover this about him... infidelity is always a huge and devastating shock, but especially when it blindsides you in a long term marriage... if this is just a recent problem, you might be able to address it and get over it as a couple, and i hope he hasn't been leading a double life all along, and is not the person he appears to be... my first suggestion is to get yourself tested for STDs... i know that is hard to even think about now, but you have children that you need to protect and raise, and he could have infected you with something nasty that needs to be get treated now before it really affects your health. then you need to deal with this, get marriage counseling, and recognize that if he knows right up front you will tolerate his cheating and never leave him, that he may see you as a doormat to keep cheating on... so you can tell him you want to fight to save your marriage, but don't let him believe that he can do anything he wants, and you will never leave... you need to address these problems directly for other reasons... if he continues cheating, and with enough women, he may get to the point where he finds one he wants to leave you for... it is far better to nip this in the bud now and see if you can save your marriage before it gets to that point... best of luck, he may very well want to stay in the marriage, but is having a mid life crisis... but you can't just ignore it, and your marriage will be stronger if he is willing to stop this and recognize he might have lost someone improtant to him through foolish behavior...

no easy way to bring this up.... just tell him it makes you uncomfortable to see him flirting so much with another girl, makes you feel insecure and wonder what he is up to... ask him to maybe cool off that contact a little, so the other girl, and you too, don't get the wrong idea about his intentions with her...

also, i think that a little flirting is normal, but major, extended flirting via IM with another single girl is asking for trouble, and disrespectful... so how would he feel if you did the same with some guy? sometimes men hide behind the 'we're all flirts' myth, but there is a difference between occasional flirting, and openly disrespecting your girlfriend in front of her and other friends.. even his friends are talking about his behavior, so that's a warning there...

well, you have two problems here... your lack of trust to the point of snooping on his electronically, and his potential (probable?) cheating... i hate to say it, but he does sound like he is getting some on the side... why else would his friends be talkign about it, and it appears she expects to meet up with him sometimes when you're not with him... really bad signs... but now you have to admit to him you snooped on him bigtime by forwarding his messages to yourself... if he finds out you did that, he could be so mad he breaks up with you, but then he may be on the verge of that anyway if he's cheating with other girls... so i think you need to at a minimum talk to him about this other girl, ask him what's up, see what he says, tell him you've heard rumors he's getting some on the side and see what he does... but really, if he is, you should break up with him anyway... he's not trustworthy and flaunting this girl in front of you in ways that make you uncomfortable, and he should have more respect for you than that...

Daph... re: Jetta's post, some posters have religious agendas that influence their advice rather than carefully reading the poster's individual situation (i.e., book by ministers who don't believe in divorce, don't believe in therapy, etc.). so i think your post was perfectly clear and understandable, that isn't the issue with that poster... re: my own opinion, first, screaming fights that get police calls are not normal fighting, no matter what your husband tries to say, so you are wise to NOT want to continue in that behavior and recognize it as a big red flag... also, it sounds like you two are opposite in personality, energy level, hobbies, and sex drive etc. that makes for an extremely hard marriage, if the differences are pushing you apart, rather than together... very different people can be married, but there has to be some spark of commonality and respect, and it sounds like you don't have much of that for him anymore either... also, he has made it pretty clear that working on your marriage is not a high priority with him, and forcing you to choose between therapy you feel you need for yourself and marriage counseling is really manipulative and controlling on his part... fine, marriage counseling can be expensive, but divorce is even more expensive, and no one should continue in a marriage where vicious fighting is the norm... most of the time those 'cost' excuses are really just excuses to avoid the counseling, because they dont' want to go... you can find clinics, or borrow money or whatever it takes, because your marriage should be your first priority, not second to money for hobbies or whatever. he may be afraid to go into marriage counseling with you, becuase the counselor might try to get him to change, or you might discover that the way he treats you is not appropriate... so dragging his feet there is a control strategy, and a clear indication that he doesn't really want anything to change, and is comfortable with his inertia... my suggestion would be that you tell him that things as they are are just not acceptable, and insist he go into marriage counseling with you, and if he again refuses, then throw in the towel... he has made his choice then, that he thinks a marriage where you are very unhappy is acceptable to him, but it just isn't... you may still find during counseling that you have nothing in common and separation is inevitable, or you may find that he will take it seriously if he knows the alternative is divorce, but it is far better to do something, than just sit the fence and continue being miserable... best of luck... divorce can be very hard, but if the alternative is endless misery and incompatability, maybe you need to move forward to either solve this problem through marriage counseling, or recognize this is just not how you want to spend your life...

ummm... LostLoveinLosAngeles... if he shouldn't listen to people on this sad board, then why should he listen to you either?? this board is full of lots of different opinions, which is why people come here... to look at things from other people's different perspectives, which is what asking for advice is all about... they can take it or leave it, but if you don't like this board, then don't post yourself...

First, don't blame the other girl! your ex was lying to you, and most likely lying to her too... and might even have more that he is lying to... and i think he pretty much told you he was a cheater before, without coming right out, by telling you his strategy was to cheat with girls in different towns... so he could have been telling each of you that he was your boyfriend, and lying to everyone... really, this guy is not worth caring about... you SHOULD be angry, but at the same time, you hacked into his voicemail after the breakup, which is not very nice either, and might be illegal... so if you want to tell him off, do it, but don't tell him how you know... and better to just move on and find someone trustworthy rather than a common cheater like this guy... it should help you move on, to know what a jerk he is...

lots of people do fall out of love, or decide they want to break up for whatever reason... it happens to most of us more times than we'd like, but the heart does have an amazing ability to recover and be open to love again, though it does take time... the good news is you don't have to trust HIM again... but you can learn to trust another boyfriend in the future... there is no easy way to break up, so i don't think he's being terrible, i just think that you expected the relationship to work, and it just didn't work out that way... best of luck, move into NC and go forward with your healing, spending time with friends and doing things that help you heal...

i think you should first describe your problem to the doctor before jumping to a diagnosis... there are lots of adjustment problems that happen with teenagers, that may or may not be a chemical or hormonal problem... but your son deserves to get proper diagnosis and treatment, so please keep an open mind while going through the diagnostic process... sometimes the wrong diagnosis happens, but you see improvement or don't, so look at it as a process, not a single event or diagnosis... and if medication is prescribed, watch carefully for side effects etc. there are frequently lots of way to treat problems, so you may need to take several approaches til you find something that works... or he could just be being a surly adolescent... sometimes they can be quite unpleasant and rebellious at that age, and behavioral theraphy in that case might be very useful (as well as training parents how to deal with an adoslescent, quite the challenge sometimes)... best of luck... Bill Cosby had an old joke that said the martians come swap your child away at age 13 and leave an evil alien, then they bring your child back again when he turns 18... so your son may also be perfectly normal, just a classic adolescent!

it really sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression, which can be brought on by stress or just chemistry changes, some people are suspectible to this... when you are depressed EVERYTHING feels dark, and hopeless, and futile... but that is not reality, that is just your depression... when your brain chemistry gets out of whack, it can really make you feel terrible, exactly the way you are describing... but the good news is you can do something about this... schedule an appt. with a doctor or your school clinic, and tell them how you have been feeling... they can prescribe anti-depressants or other means to help you feel better... also please try to get some exercise, as that enhances brain chemistry. also take some good multi-vitamins, especially the B vitamins, and avoid any drinking or recreational drugs that can make depression worse... also try to keep your sleep on a regular schedule, but depression itself can disrupt sleep cycles, and cause early morning awakening at 4 a.m. or so... please Google depression on the web and do some reading about it to see if you recognize your symptoms... lots and lots of people have depression at some points in their lives, so you are not alone, and it is something that they are very effective in treating these days... good luck, and try to keep some perspective... things are not hopeless, and you CAN do something to get better...

i think you should listen to your 'other' radar, the one that is telling you that this behavior is a little creepy... in a university/class environment, it is very easy for people to meet and talk and become friends, but her hanging back and just watching you all the time, and showing up where you go is a bit creepy... maybe she's really shy, but then, maybe she's really obsessive and creepy... if she's really got problems, talking to her will only make it worse... stalkers tend to have common traits, and the more contact they have with the person they are obsessed with, the worse the obsession becomes... so if your intuition is telling you this is weird, then listen to it... don't contact her or talk to her ever, just avoid her as much as possible, avoid eye contact, leave if you think she is following you etc. the world is full of simple crushes, but there are nuts out there, in all shapes and sizes and orientations...

but i think you HAVE tried, and tried, and TRIED!! it has been 3-4 years since the breakup, and she has had plenty of time to get back with you if she wanted to ... she has your number etc., and has not used it to get back with you... she has also told you she thinks of you like a brother and not like romance, and that is probably a very clear indication that she doesn't want to reconcile with you... i think if you must do this one last time, then just call her and ask her about it... trying to romance her with candles etc. when she's thinkging of you as a brother might upset and pressure her, and make her feel like you're a stalker... after all, it has been a LONG time since you were together, and a year since you had any significant contact. she could have another boyfriend now, or be engaged, or even married, so one small text from her does not tell you where she is with her life... i also would suggest that if you ever wanted to kill yourself over this, and have still not healed after 4 years, you should consider some counselling to help you come to grips with this and move on... at this point, you don't really have a relationship with her, but you are still fantasizing about it, when it might just really not be a good thing for you... so please start working on yourself and getting yourself a good life, rather than continuing to work on her or obsess about her...

it sounds to me that he is trying to be very clear and reinforce for you that he does not want to be your boyfriend anymore... he has moved on and is dating other people... he may just be being blunt, and not intentionally trying to be cruel, just letting you know loud and clear he has moved on and is experiencing other women.. especially if you have tried several times to talk him back into a relationship, and he is finally coming out and just being blunt and letting you know that is it over... i'm sorry, i know that is hard, but i think you have to accept his words and move on... continuing to see him or ask him again will probably just re-open the wound for you... maybe that is what he wants to prevent, your hoping for something he knows he will not do, which is reconcile... so continue with your NC and healing, and don't rely on what he said before, but where his head is now and what he told you... people's feelings do change, and sometimes they keep saying the 'i love you's' long after they really mean it, but just are working up to the breakup and dreading it, so play along until they finally drop the hammer... it feels cruel, but it is better to know what he is really thinking than have hopes that won't pan out...

a good percentage of prostitutes end up in prostitution because of drug/alcohol habits, childhoods where they were abused and traumatized and they are re-enacting the trauma, or hooking up with bad boyfriends who take advantage of their psychological weaknesses and lead them down the path... and a small percentage do it for the money, because they are too lazy to get the training etc. for a good job... so if she has been your good friend for a long time, i'd try to talk to her about it and find out why she is doing it... don't be judgmental up front, or the door will slam in your face, especially if you don't know why she is doing this.... she is obviously ashamed or afraid to tell you, if she is lying about her nighttime employment, but i would suggest that you first try to help her rather than judge her... try to get her into counseling, or help her see she has other options in life rather than selling her body for money...

if she tells everyone else, then she's a witch, who wants her? most women are smart enough to know this happens to guys from time to time, especially if they are under stress or pressure.... so no decent girl would ever make fun of you or talk about it with anyone else.. she might see it as a challenge, to have fun seeing what it takes to get you up and saluting again... really, best advice is to relax, maybe watch a sexy movie or books or whatever by yourself til it happens again... and it will, don't worry, just don't put more pressure on yourself or it gets to be a cycle... there is plenty of advice online how to snap out of this too, so do some googling to find the info.

I agree that it is not your place to tell her husband, especially if there are children involved... I think the sad thing about affairs is that the partner who does not have their own partner sometimes think it is 'no harm' because they themselves aren't lying to their own partner, just having a little fun, then they get in deeper than they meant to... your hurt at the thought she was planning another child just shows how deep you got in, and jealously etc. kicks in... so consider yourself lucky to have learned a hard lesson... a person willing to cheat on a partner will easily deceive you as well, and is most likely very selfish and just having her cake and eating it too... so please in the future for your own sake recognize that the kind of person who is married and cheating is NOT good for even a casual fling... there is no such thing as a low stakes affair, there are always all kinds of consequences and feelings/lives that get hurt...

you are tangling the idea in your own mind that it is your wife vs. the other woman, i.e., which door should you choose? but life has a million opportunities and paths, and is never an either/or situation, tho sometimes we think it is that way. but really, when it comes to affairs, your therapist is correct, you need to stop looking at the two women and look inside yourself to discover what in life truly has value for you, where your meaning is, where your loyalties lie, who you are, exclusive of either of these women.... so it becomes about YOU, not about them, that is where your answer lies. there are a million statistics out there about marriage and its success/failure, and books that push staying married no matter what the circumstances due to religion or conservatism or whatever... and yes, there is a good chance your SECOND marriage will fail to this other woman, in fact, second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages, only 40% or less survive due to stepfamily issues etc., and relationships borne of affairs fall apart at even higher rate, because of the guilt, lack of trust, heavy baggage one carries into that new situation. so put aside all the statistics, etc. and take a good look at yourself to decide how you want to live your life.... and since your marriage is a current involvement that has financial and legal and emotional obligations to children, you need to sit down and decide if your marriage is worth saving, regardless of the other woman... would you stay if there was no other woman? would you be more fulfilled (both you and your wife) if you broke up because you are stifling one another and not enjoying one another? what would it mean to stay in this marriage if it never changed, just stayed as is? could you do that? and would it be worth saving if your wife agreed to counseling and things did improve, or is it too late? so AFTER you decide the merit of your marriage, whether it can stand on its own or not, THEN you can start thinking whether this other woman is a long term prospect, if you decide to end your marriage... it isn't about one woman or the other, it is about how you really want to live your life and where your values are... figure that out, then the decisions about what to do with the marriage and the other woman will become clearer.

i hate to say this, but this doesn't sound at all like a 'friendship', it sounds like an affair... they are both sneaking around, and denying things, and your own sex life with her is very rare etc. most people in affairs continually lie to their spouses, and the affair only stops when one or the other affair partner decides to cut it off for whatever reason... so you need to decide whether you want to save this marriage, and insist on marriage counseling. if she continues to lie to you, or you suspect she is lying, then hire a private detective to see if she is meeting up with this man. she has had 2 affairs that you know of, maybe more, and staying married to her if she is an unrepentent cheater may not be the best thing for you to do... so i'd say try to get her into marriage counseling, and maybe hire a private detective to see if something is really going on and she is still lying, then go from there.

Guilt at having sex while your ex girlfriend thinks you want to be with her? Performance anxiety because you have raised the model to goddess diety status in your own head just because of her looks? Anyway, it's normal, happens to guys when under stress... sometimes from too much drink, drugs etc. too... So first, try to relax. it won't happen if your too upset about it, like the old expression, a watched pot never boils.... Then try to work on what might be causing it... guilt? go talk to your ex girlfriend and straighten it out... idolizing the new girl to the point of terrifying yourself? she's just a girl like any other and may look great, but that doesn't make her great in bed, or a nice person, etc. so try to quit idolizing her so much... and if you want to try again, talk to her about it and focus on getting to know her, not get her into bed.... it will come back, once you've relaxed...

well, i would be a bit careful if you don't want to accidentally send a message that makes her think you want to date her... as long as you've talked with her and you both know where you stand, then sending flowers is fine... but it might confuse her because people mostly give flowers to people they are dating (or parents/sisters etc.) on valentine's day... if you do really want to do it, then don't send roses... those are usually exchanged between lovers... give her a bouquet of mixed flowers, or daisies or something lighthearted, and tell her you're happy she's your friend in the card...

this guy is just a jerk... he's labelling you and calling you names and talking to his buddies very callously about someone he should at least treat with respect because you were once together... and i'm sure that when he breaks up with the next girlfriend, he will find something bad to say about her and post it and tell all his friends... because HE's a jerk! so this is HIS problem, NOT your problem... should just make you happy you are no longer with him.... a really callous and crass guy, not good boyfriend material....