Jump to content

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'blame'.

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


  • Relationships
    • Dating Advice
    • Relationship Advice
    • Infidelity
    • Cyber Relationships
    • Friendship and Friends
    • Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender
    • Abuse and Violence
    • Long-Distance Relationships
    • Age Gap Relationships
    • Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
    • Trust and Relationships
    • Marriage/Long Term Relationships
  • Breaking up and Divorce
    • Breaking Up Advice
    • Divorce Advice
    • Getting Back Together
    • Healing After Break Up or Divorce
  • Personal Growth
    • Personal Growth
    • Career, Money and Education
    • Grief Loss and Bereavement
  • Families
    • Parenting and Families
    • Pets
  • Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
    • Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
  • Sex and Romance
    • Sex and Romance
    • Pregnancy
  • Emotions and Feelings
    • Emotions and Feelings
    • Jealousy
  • General Forums
    • Forum Assistance
  • Journals's Journals
  • Journals's Private Journals
  • Off Topic's Topics
  • Book Talk's Topics
  • Travel and Culture's Topics
  • Poetry, Prose, Art & Photography's Topics


  • Articles
  • Career & Money
  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Breaking Up & Divorce
    • Marriage
  • Personal Growth
  • Parenting and Families


  • Articles
  • Youtube

Find results in...

Find results that contain...

Date Created

  • Start


Last Updated

  • Start


Filter by number of...


  • Start



About Me

  1. I think most of us could use some emotional support through the pandemic. To be clear this is SUPPORT , criticism and blaming is not needed. I know some us out here are high risk or normal risk. If you need a warm fuzzy today, I love you ❤️ Virtual hug.
  2. My brother and I have always had a pretty good relationship despite living in a turbulent household (parents always arguing and dad, cheating). We're both in our twenties and I'm his older sister by 5 years. In our culture, we stay with our parents until marriage, and family is everything. So despite all the turmoil between our parents, we've all always tried to work things out to keep our family together. I've always been a mega nerd, scoring high marks and basically just dedicating my life to academics. My brother's always been extremely social and has gotten into trouble over the years (getting arrested, stealing money from our parents, partying day and night, getting kicked out of university). Basically, although we've gotten along well, we're obviously different people. Everything was fine, and then he moved to Australia for a year. I cried at the airport. Despite the move, we still had a great relationship, and talked on the phone for hours at a time. He moved back a few week ago, which I was so excited about. However, he's come back a monster. He started going on rants about how he truly understands what life is about now, and that we're just doing everything wrong as a family. He said he's going to "fix" everyone. He started by screaming at dad in front of construction workers about his cheating behaviours, even though we were all embarrassed and told him to stop making this a public problem. He continued by going to dad's workplace and arguing with various workers about what their exact role is and what they accomplished that day. He grabbed dad's phone at various times mid-call and would ask questions to the person on the other end, to make sure he wasn't cheating. He then attacked mom about how she takes pain medication (recovering from shingles) because that's "poison" to her body and that she should instead do weed. My mom is conservative and very straight-edge so she'd never do that, but he continued on about how she's closed minded. He got into fights with her over some other things too and called her two-faced and a liar. He then attacked one of the twins, who broke up with his girlfriend early this year. He accused him of still talking to the girl. Twin showed his phone and everything, but our brother still went on a rampage about how he knows he's still totally talking to her. He yelled a bunch at the other twin too which resulted in the twin crying, even though the twins are 19. Then came my turn! For some background info, I tried out anxiety medication (Zoloft) at the end of 2018 and had a severe reaction. Right away I became incredibly lactose-intolerant and extremely sensitive to all kinds of foods, resulting in severe diarrhea or throwing up. My doctor disagreed that the Zoloft caused this, but the specialist I saw told me it definitely could have been a rare but severe side effect from this psychiatric drug which is known to be harsh on the stomach. He gave me a simple diet to follow and expected me to build up a tolerance against these reactions. Regardless, what was important was that either way, I was not well. I followed his instructions though and my reactions lessened, but haven't fully gone away yet. So, back to my brother. He randomly confronted me in the kitchen, asking me to tell him what's "really" going on. Honestly, I had no clue what he was talking about. He started glaring at me and telling me to tell him the truth. Turns out, he thinks I'm just pretending to have these reactions so that I have an excuse to not have to study (I'm trying to get into law, and was waitlisted twice due to a low lsat score). He even confronted the twins about how it's suspicious that I was waitlisted in a row, that he doesn't think I even wrote the lsat, which thankfully the twins saw and had the emails of. But that didn't stop my brother from continuing his rampage. He claimed I'm just pressured to go into law (untrue, it's very much so my own choice) and so I'm totally faking all this. I was pretty shocked, and told him that this is all real, that he could take a look at my previous blood test if he wanted. Unfortunately, while looking for it in my binder, I remembered that I had thrown it out as it didn't show anything substantial. This triggered my brother into a craze as he started ranting about how he's "catching the lies" and that I should fess up right now. At least my parents and the twins all know this is all real, and told him to stop acting like this, but he doesn't listen to anyone. Finally, I was discussing how upsetting this was to my mom. That's when my brother came barging in and started accusing me all over again. He said I maybe even secretly do drugs (ridiculous). I asked him why he even thinks all this nonsense, and he said, "I'm just saying that you should really tell me the truth because it's going to be so awkward for you when the truth comes out at the doctor's". He believes the doctor will let us know that this is all a fake ruse or that I'm doing drugs which cause these reactions. I got so upset that I got teary, and then he said that if I was being honest, that I wouldn't cry. That made me even more upset, and then he accused me of fake crying to garner sympathy from mom. He also accused me of lying about the anxiety medication, saying that first I called it Zoloft, and then I called it Sertraline (which is just its drug class, my god). He says everything I say is suspicious and so interesting, as he puts it. Every single day he rants about how I'm a liar. He yells, "my sister has been lying to all of us for 3 years! She's basically 30 and she's going no where!" Not only am I not at all 30, but it hasn't even been a full 2 years since I got these reactions. Further, these reactions happen about once a week to once a month, if even, when I accidentally consume dairy or something greasy/upsetting. It doesn't stop me from studying or living an otherwise normal life. My mom wants me to take him along to my next doctor's appointment, and while I can't stand him, I'll do it just so he shuts the hell up about me. However, even if he apologizes later to me, I don't think I can ever see him the same way again. My academic accomplishments define so much of my life. My wall is covered with my awards and scholarships over the years as school has always been the one thing I'm good at. It's the only thing I'm so proud of. I worked my ass off and even helped my brother to graduate from high school, which he always credits me with. And so for him to accuse me of being a fake actor, feigning an illness for 2 years just so I can avoid studies, is so insulting and hurtful to me. I have a bachelor's, double minors, and double certifications. My life has revolved around my education and my family knows that. He told my mom he'll accomplish double what I have by the time he's my age though, and that I'm wasting away my life, pretending it away and lying to everyone. My next appointment is with a stomach specialist (gastroenterologist) and so it'll be a long wait, but the time between now and then is killing me, hearing him yell out accusations day after day. I've totally had enough of this. I feel so distressed and angry when I even hear his voice. He's supposed to be my brother, acting like family and supporting me, not discouraging me, doubting me and accusing me. Our last argument happened when he burst into my room, yelling out accusations again but this time I exploded on him. My hands began to shake in anger, and once again he said if I was innocent then I wouldn't even get angry. I have NO idea why he's gone insane like this since he's gotten back from his trip, but he's completely destroyed our relationship and I want nothing to do with him. I can't even believe this is really my brother, who I loved so deeply and cared so much about ever since we were little. It's like something has come over him in the worst way. I feel very picked on and bullied. Not even my worst enemies have spoken to me in the way my brother is. He claims he's doing all this because he cares for me and wants the truth to come out. Just crazy. Obviously, this is all still happening and I'm very angry and heated still, but I really do believe I don't have love for him anymore in my heart. In fact, I can't stand him. If I never saw him again, I'm confident I'd be just fine. In my heart, he's no longer a brother of mine. I do recognize he's young/not the most mature, but I still feel this way, especially since I know I'd never do this someone at any age. Am I overreacting?
  3. I met my girlfriend about 5 years ago, and she was doing her master’s degree. We were all over each other, always holding hands and cuddling in public. It felt so good to have found someone finally. When she finished her degree, she couldn’t find jobs related to her study. She found temporary administrative government jobs, a few good, a few where she wasn’t happy with. She started complaining that she had stayed in town to be with me, that her original plans were to move somewhere else. Gradually, this turned into blaming me, that she had sacrificed her career for me. The intimacy we had gradually dropped to zero. She was now also blaming me for ruining her life, even though I had repeatedly guaranteed her that would support her as long as she needed to find a job she would be happy with. Beginning of last year, she found a graduate government job, which a two level pay-cut from her previous temp jobs. But this was a permanent job with promotion prospects. Again, it wasn’t in her exact field. She is now blaming me for having a pay cut and having to work at a job she dislikes. When she decided get this job without even telling me, she had temp positions in her field that got renewed, but without any guarantee. In fact, lucky for her that she took this graduate job, as she would have been out of a job if she stayed in the temp position when the COVID-19 crisis hit. And now, she wants to break up with me saying that I ruined her life by keeping her in town. I didn’t even know that she wanted to move away when we met and when she finished her degree. In retrospect, she has floated the idea of leaving town together and finding new jobs. But I told her that was too old to quit my job of 25 years at the university and hope to find equally paying one anywhere else in the job climate that was already deteriorating before COVID-19. Me leaving and losing my job would have been detrimental for my aged parents who count on my support, financial and emotional. In the meantime since early on our relationship, she was critical of my relationship with my parents, because I happened to live with them. This wasn’t a choice, but a result of me not having found someone to marry earlier in my career, so, having lost hope of finding someone, I stayed with my parents and took care of each other. Last year in November, I moved out of my parents’ house and moved in with my girlfriend. I had bought over the years the two house next to my parents as investment properties and it was ideal for us to move in into one of them. She made a big fuss about living next to my parents, even though my parents are not the nosy types, they don’t visit anyone unless invited. Finally, I convinced her to move in to the house two down. If we were young, there would be no issue for me to move somewhere else, even a different town, but my parents are over 80 and they need my help, financially and emotionally, my father has a pacemaker and they need my assistance in their doctors’ visits a few times a month, and they feel safe knowing that I am next door. My girlfriend is still unappreciative if the situation and keeps saying no one lives next their parents in the West, which can’t be further from the truth. I am 54 and she is 44. We are no spring chicken anymore, we are at the ages when people living away from their parents move back in closer, or even build a granny flat in their backyard to have them nearby. Besides, if we had left town, we’d be both out of jobs in the streets following the COVID-19 crisis, and she is still blaming me for ruining her life, costing her a career and the opportunity to have baby. I am at a complete loss understanding her, as I proses to marry her many times, she rejected it as she didn’t believe in marriage. I never wavered from my commitment to her, never cheated on her, have been always kind, loving, supportive and generous to her. Respected all her family even though she kept insulting mine for being too attached to me. I opened a house for her. It may not be fancy, but it is in a good neighborhood, and within my means to support her even if she lost her job. And yet, she calls me immature and that I need to grow up. How much mature can one be having had a stable job for 25 years (unlike her), supporting aged parents, made provisions for our future, mentored my nephews, having a reputation among friends as a kind and generous person, having an equally good reputation among my colleagues at work as well as in academia. I mean, what is it that she wants from me? Where did I do wrong?
  4. Today I saw my ex for the first time in a few weeks. We had arranged a councilling appointment to help sort through our break up. Since the break up as the dumpee, I have been working hard to make myself and issues around the relationship better. I've been looking into what I did wrong, working actively to be a better person, learn from my mistakes and be open and honest about those mistakes. I see this as an important process in a break up. Admitting your faults, working on them and becoming a better person not just for yourself but for future relationships. If you don't do this then future relationships will be affected by faults from the past and in all honesty, you can't grow unless you make mistakes and acknowledge them. While I have been doing this, I knew I had to face my ex and the councillors to further progress my recovery. Today the sh*t hit the fan. My ex completely blamed me for our break up. I was open and honest about the roll I played in our break up, but not once did she admit that she played a part in it too. After this, my councillor took me away and said i was strong, honest and she could see I was actively working through my emotions. Every relationship has two people and unless cheating is involved, it's never a one sided thing. As I was leaving, I had to give my ex some things, she hugged me, apologised for how things ended and then we exchanged stuff. She hugged me again, kissed me on the cheek and asked if ill message her I didn't respond, so she said we will give it time and left. Moral of all this, don't convince yourself you're to blame, a relationship is two people, so is a break up. Be honest about what you did to contribute to the break up, but don't expect your ex to do the same. Do what you have to do for yourself, not what you think your ex wants you to do. They broke up with you, they ended things, they are no longer your responsibility. Yes, it's okay to still love them, to have feelings for them. But if you do, you can't be friends. It's only going to prolong your pain. And finally, you never, ever, really know someone. As amazing as they may seem, people change and will often take the easiest road to recovery, instead of facing their fears and doing the right thing.
  5. Hi all. I have had an on and off relationship, for 6.5 years. I have had on going phone problems, regardless of service provider. Including not getting and/or recieving texts, or phone calls, my phone ( this includes at least 4 different phones), shutting off, randomly, not having service etc. This has caused an awful lot of grief, in our relationship, as it is always blamed on me, personally. And gets to a point, that he gets so angry, and decides to not want to talk to me, or see me, even without him getting an explanation, as to why it happened, or possibilities, of why. And then he starts drinking, and calls names, and is very rude. Does anyone understand why he blames me? It's nothing that i do! Thank you
  6. The other night I did that unthinkable and slept with a guy who is in a relationship. This goes against everything I believe in and I know how much it hurts as I have been on the other end of the stick before. I was extremely intoxicated and feel taken advantaged of. Is it my fault? I understand I am not the one that has been unfaithful, however I know I am partially to blame.
  7. Who am i, thats what i ask, i used to know, but ive lost that clarity now im surrounded by all these clouds and i cant see a clearing no one else understands, i try to explain, but i cant get it out i have to joke it off blame it all on my ditzy little world thats what im living in wandering the streets, all alone, and everything is crazy, i am searching, for the answers to a thousand questions, and a million more what happened to the girl that knew everything where is she now she used to feel, she used to care, she used to have some sense but she went away and hasnt come back i cant see, i cant hear, ive lost my voice, surrounded by fear struggling to break through next an exit, all is black, where did the light go walking down this corridor, a thousand doors, a million more some are locked, some are boarded some are bare, some are empty with despair, some are themed some are stylish, they're not mine i regress my past, nothing there connected to whats screaming at mi, it seems so obvious but i just cant understand i need some guidance is it there im reaching out my hand... Why do i feel like putting "to be continued" at the end of this? any thoughts, anyone?
  8. I don't want to spend a long time on a back story, as details get important, i will supply them. I love my boyfriend very much, and we live together. Our lives are pretty knit together. It is an unspoken understanding that we want to spend the rest of our life together. (we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, so we don't take our talk to that level yet.) We have begun to fight all the time. I don't know what it is, but I know he thinks that it is me, and that I am unreasonable. He either doesn't believe we have relationship problems, or he blames me for them, saying I am unreasonable, and that I am self destructive in our relationship. He does things that hurt my feelings all the time, then expects a simple "i'm sorry" to fix everything. when it doesn't, he gets very angry and accuses me of wanting to make things worse. We recently moved in with mutual friends (another couple). They never fight, and it made me realize how much we DO fight. My roommates know us both, and like us both, but have been giving me subtle hints that he is passivly controlling and that they think he is unreasonable. I'm not very happy in this relationship, but I'm so attached, I don't know if I have the strength to break up with him. It would completely uproot my life, and I'm scared to death of that. I really want to work at it, and he has brought up counseling in the past. I just dont know when you should call it quits. When do you know that It is just not going to work out, and to just save yourself the heartache? I know he isn't going to break up with me for the same reasons i won't wit him. I am the first to be worried about my sisters bad relationships, and I think I am missing the signs that I am wasting my time trying to love someone who isn't healthy. Breaking up should be the last resort, what options should I excersise to know if I have tried everything?
  9. Firstly I wuld like to say that this place is really sweet. I have come here for advice and read a ot of very helpful intelligent stuff on the forums, and I hope my advice has helped some people. The world isn't a bad place ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am having an issue with an extremely close friendship that i had for five years, that broke up a year ago. I thought i was ok but I'm not. I know this should be in friends area but this relationship was also a soulmate type musical connection, and was as close as a relationship bewteen a couple, without the physical. ANYWAY the girls boyfriend was rather harsh to me back a year ago, and i tried telling my friend and she wouldnt have a bar of it, saying i was making things up in my head and overreacting.she stopped talking to me and promised to call but never did. so i came on here, and with your help I managed to do the no contact thing. I now realise she wanted me to call, she wanted to be in power, but never did. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- six months later: we start saying hello again when we cross paths at the tech we used to go to. One week i get this urge/overwhelming feeling that something s going to happen, and I miss her more than I had for ages. I make her a present, two cds of my favorite bands. We cross paths that week and say hi and I stop her and tell her i have soemthing for her. we agree to meet for coffee. we do and chat, and she seems surprised i gave her cds. i ask her if we'll play again (music) and she says well I am the only one she would ever want to play with, i know how she feels about me etc. I tell her im playing in other bands, she says shes not been doing any music. we then arrange at her suggestion to meet for a drink before end of the year, and jam after tech , wed need to chat before she'd jam again so stuff wouldnt happen again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- over the next few weeks i see her around + id ask her if shes litening to my cds and she says no she hasnt had time. this goes on and one day i see her and shes quite stand offish, and sasy she dosnt like the music, (fair enough)but she says it in quite a snobby way, no thanks for my gift. Me being oversensitive at the time got very hurt. She then rings me at work, where she needed to get something done. i think shes ringing me. Shes not. I make chit chat, she then says she on her mobile and has to go shell call me back. i go home crying at the disappointment, feeling rejected, touchy as. she then gives something back to me when i ask for it, in not good condtion and then seems very hurried. i text her and say its not good enough, bye, completely fed up of the way she was treating me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- she then texts back, WTF??? I thought you were trying to fix things??? now you are freaking out again, blame blame blame. you broke my heart back then + to be honest ive been very wary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- so i stand up to her for once. not very politely (cringe), sayn how I was too, and she hurt me too and im not overeacting i have feelings etc. we have a txt fight for some time. then i say i want closure, im not taking her **** anymore, she cant just treat me like that, be so rude. I then email trying to politely explain my point of view, and she doesnt want to hear it, [-X says its not appropriate to reply until tech is over shes busy. (OUCH) HEATED TXTS: I say don't reply if its she cant accept any blame for once, I needed to say that for closure, bye. She says, just as well, you didnt wan't to hear my closure speech. I end saying YOUR LOSS. (i have never stood up to her before). its been 6 months, and Im starting to miss her again BADLY. My head says don't go there, she tried to control you, treated you bad, but my heart cant let go of what we had, we were soulmates (in a friends way) I know she felt the same way about me. I know she missed me when I didnt contact her, she told people. SHe is VERY stubborn and won't back down , I always have to contact her. It's not that she doesnt have a huge soft in her heart for me i know she does, and probaly misses me like crazy, but she wont back down. I want to make peace. I feel terrible for what I said to her and am scared she wouldn't forgive me, but i have grown on my own and changed. I want her to see that and start again. I look really bad now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Should I hold my ground and suffer this loss, or should I stop being so defensive and tell her how I fell - big risks here of course, but the urge is so strong. our problem could be fixed so easily if we just talked openly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I REALLY APPRECIATE ANYONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ THIS !!!!!! woah
  10. hey , its me again. and things havent improved much since the last time i posted. My ex-gf is still the same, and im still suffering from that. I try not to show it sometimes, but it gets back at me everytime. I dont get it , its like everything was gone in an instant, all those promises, all her words... it just hurts me . And the worst thing is , i cant run away from it... im just crying inside (sometimes outside too) heh,,, should have known better. Now theres my friends, when i thought they were there for me , then Boom! They are not talking to me. Its because a couple of my friends started a stupid joke to my ex-gf (another 1),we broke off last year, about me betting to be with her, which totally wasnt true. She's acting all stupid now and not talking to me. Not only that , she goes around telling other ppl of wat i supposedly done.And they are doing the same to me ! not talking to me? Yea, accused of something i didnt do.I sent a message to the 2 of my friends, and things got out of hand. Stupid, i know. But things arent gonna improve. I dunno , maybe coz teenagers at my age can be silly sometimes? I just dont understand how they could start something like this . The following day she comes to me and starts telling me all sort of bull, and watever i said doesnt get in her head. Im just sad, angry,frustrated,annoyed.... name any bad feeling, i got it . Friends and a girl got me hurt real bad. Dont have much of a life right now , dont know how to fix it. We live in a small community by the way , its like everyone knows everybody else. HARD.... i wasnt a loner, i was a cheerful guy, surrounded by friends all the time... it seems that im going the opposite direction now... Im starting to realise how silly things can happen to me , which i thought wouldnt happen. I guess thats how it goes. If it werent for my parents for being there for me , i dont know what would have happened to me. Ive got no one else. More of venting rather than seeking advice, just wondering tho anyone got ideas about this. I seriously need help... thx
  11. After worrying where she was at 3 in the morning I called her. She didn't answer. We'd been living together for 3 years and I instinctivly knew things weren't right. When she did answer she told me she was nearly home. I heard a car pull up on a road just before ours. I saw the headlights. I saw them go out. I knew. I went outside and saw her sitting in a car with another guy. I flipped. I hit him. She denies any wrong doing and says she had been sitting talking to him for three or four hours and she was drunk. Since then, it transcribes she has contracted genital herpes. She blames this on the fact that I get the occasional cold sore. It has been about three weeks since the incident... about the same time that people normally contract the disease. I've split up with her, I'm moving out this weekend. I love her and miss her badly. Am I wrong to break up or am I being stupid for thinking that maybe things weren't what they seemed. Someone help.
  12. My girlfriend and I have been having some issues that I need some advice on how to sort out. I'm not sure if it's just me reading too much into things (which she usually says it is) or if it's truly a problem that both of us need to work on. Lets start with the shallow basics, Financial. (this isn't a big deal it just kind of bugs me) My girl makes a lot more money than I do, but I tend to be the one spending more money on her, I recently took a step back and realized this. We trade off on paying for dinner and/or movie tickets but I'm always buying her little (and sometimes big) gifts, but she never does anything like this for me. I don't do it because I expect anything in return, but she is just coming off as kind of cheap…she'll spend 90 dollars on a pair of shoes, but she'll insist that I pay her back for some 19 dollar discount computer cables she buys for me, whereas if it were me, I would just buy it for her because she needed it and tell her not to worry about it, as I have done with many things in the past. It's not a big deal. She's also recently picked up the habit of failing to ask if I want anything when she's picking up coffee or food or something, not that I would always make her get me something, but she always used to at least offer. I don't understand this, am I just overly generous? Is she cheap? Did I do something to make her think that I wanted this? Another thing that actually bothers me a lot is her secrecy. She is a private person. She claims to be very open but has done some things that lead me to believe she is not. 1. We were looking at pictures on her laptop one night and I pointed to a folder that I wanted to see and she suddenly decided she didn't want to look at pictures anymore because they were pictures of her ex's dog and she missed the dog and it would make her sad. I told her that's fine, that I would just look at them and she didn't have to, and she said no, and that she would just be in the other room and I would be looking and she'd know I was looking and it would still make her sad. We argued about this for a while and she just continued to make a big deal out of it which made me believe she was hiding something, so I confronted her about it and she denied it over and over again but still wouldn't show me the pictures to prove it. She offered to show me the next day after work (when she could have had time to delete any incriminating ones anyways) and I said no. Then she turned things around on me and tried to act angry about me not trusting her, and basically I didn't but it was because she was giving me reason to be suspicious. Eventually I let it go and never saw the pictures. 2. We were hanging out one night after watching a movie or something and she got on her laptop to check her mail, I came up and hugged her from behind and she closed the window she was looking at and opened one showing her Comcast bill, then as I stayed there, she went to several other websites, one for student loan info, one for this, one for that, but never back to her email that she was obviously reading. So I went to the kitchen to grab a beer and came back, and stand next to her and see her yet again close the window containing her email, so I move slightly out of sight range and she opens it again, move back into range and she closes it. Does she think I don't notice this? Then she says, you can go ahead and go to bed I'm just checking on my bills I'll be up in a minute, and continues to look at her bills (without typing, because who writes letters while checking bills?) so I go upstairs (her bedroom is a loft) and I quietly look down on her and she is typing very slowly and softly so that the keys don't make any noise, which is unlike her because she types very quickly. 3. She has password protection on her computer and cell phone and whenever she closes her laptop when I'm around she pushes a command to bring up the password prompt so that I can't see anything on the screen. She says it's just because she's paranoid and does it all the time because she's a tech geek and knows all about computer security, but I went over there the other day and saw that when I walked into her house she was upstairs and her computer was slightly open, no password screen. She is not the type of person that would cheat, but why the hell is she being so secretive? How can I trust her when she hides so much? Whenever I ask her about her privacy she says she's not private, she very open and has nothing to hide and then turns things around on me and says I don't trust her and makes it my problem. She turns a lot of things around on me, and somehow manipulates me (whether conscious of it or not) into blaming everything on myself. If I don't trust her it's my problem, if something she says hurts me I'm being overly sensitive and it's again my problem, if I tell her she's being pushy or putting too much pressure on me for something she tells me she's just being supportive and I'm taking it the wrong way and again it's my problem. Everything wrong with our relationship has become my fault in some way or another, she sometimes admits to things if it's something that she doesn't mind being blamed for, but if it at all coincides with the behavior of the person she doesn't want to be all of a sudden it's not her problem, she finds a way to blame things on me. And I don't think she's doing it on purpose, I think she is just in denial and really doesn't want to admit her faults although she says she has a lot of them, when they come up, it's not her fault. I'm always the one who has to change I'm always the one that takes the blame for things and it's always my problem and not hers. I can't talk to her when she's like that, I can't reason with her, every time I try and point it out she tells me I'm just misunderstanding her, when I think she's really just misunderstanding herself. I really love this girl and I really want things to work between us but the problems that we have are so broad that they come up in everyday life and it causes a lot of tension between us. I've talked to her about all of this a one time or another but I'm very emotional and she doesn't really show a lot of emotion so it just comes off as me being paranoid and freaking out for no reason and she yet again turns things around on me, how do I talk to her about this stuff without her becoming defensive? How do I fix these problems without causing more stress on the relationship? She and I had a fight on the phone last night and I told her I couldn't talk to her because she wasn't listening to me and she eventually asked if I wanted her to let me go and I said yes, so we hung up, she usually emails me every morning, this morning I got nothing, I'm not surprised really but it makes me not want to contact her, I feel like the longer I go without communicating with her the more numb to her I am. I don't know what to do. Please help me, I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but these problems arise so often that I just end up pushing her away because I'm madly in love with her and scared of her and what she could do to me.
  13. Me and my ex were together for 3 plus yrs, nothing could tear us apart But things turn for the worse we both did sumthings during the relationship that we shouldnt have. N we were like the weather off and on, one day things were great the next day it was a bad storm. It got to a point where I was wrong.. But I was also going through things in my life that he couldnt understand. After overcoming and excepting my faults I knew I had to change. At that time he decides that he doesnt wanna be wit me. He claims that i needed to grow change my ways n bad habits. I agreed and at the same time him saying that if he sees change then we may get back together. So Ive been bending over backwards to show him that Im capable of being the one he needs and anything he wanted changed Ive done. However But bc of our past he still assumes and accuses me when I dont do anything wrong. We not even together n I havent even put a guy in front of him. I try so hard and I feel like now hes taking my kindness for a sign of weakness. But through it all comes to find out that he doesnt want to be wit me. That he still hasnt a change of heart. Then hes like well look i still think about us. so we may get back together lets jus relax then see where it goes from here. THENNNN!!! Now hes yelling,screaming and cursing at me to leave him alone. to let him be so that he can move on. tells me tha hes gonna start seeing other people and that its gonna hurt me. Then at the same time he wants to come over hes telling me how much he loves me and cares for me. he even said that he was trying to get rid of me by pushing me away.. I mean how harsh was that. I mean he doesnt even act like my friend and we was so close. I dont kno what to do should I keep in contact wi him or dont. He also said that he wants me to act like he dont exist so that I can leave him alone. WHAT should I do? What he tells me gets worse but im keeping it short its rediculous and it hurts alot at times... Im so confused I dont kno wha he expects from me anymore.. Should I jus act like he doesnt exist or what.. One of my favorite quotes(everyone can relate to it at sum point) "I cant live with you, but I cant live without cha. Not breathing wit you.. its hard to breathe without cha."
  14. Do you remember what it was like to smile? Laugh? I mean a real smile, by the way. Not the one you press from cheek to cheek to appease all those around you. That isn't a smile; thats lie, a mask we wear to hide the real feelings inside. Just like when you laugh at a joke you don't understand or find remotely humorous; but you laugh all the same because if you didn't, they might suspect. What would they suspect? I think you know the answer to that question. Some might be as rash as to check your arms and legs, then cry at the gashes that tear over your flesh. They blame you; blame you for these marks, these burdens placed on your skin and soul. They act as if you have some sort of control over the addiction; the itch in need of scratching. They become angry when you fail to resist the temptation of the blade and start to make threats of telling an adult about your little "problem". Secretly, they wish you would be sent away because then they wouldn't have to deal with the "problem". Just like the parents that raised you; they would sooner sell you to a padded cell than help the "problem" at home. Thats alright, though, because you don't even know there is a "problem". Not yet anyway, not today. There is nothing and everything wrong, right? The world can't be that horrible but at the same time, everything is burning alive. Nobody is listening. Nobody cares. They won't stop moving past as you stand behind a soundproof wall screaming at the top of your lungs. Another "friend" passes by without even looking in your direction. But thats not what hurts the most, no no no. What hurts is when they DO look but instead of taking you in their arms, they watch. They stand there and watch as you bleed out onto the floor from your soul. Your dying and they could care less! If you expect them to open the door one day, you're wishing on a fading star. But its not as if you really want them to do something, is it? You want to be in pain because you know in some way, you deserve it. There was something you did to hurt others and now, it is time for you to pay. You take the blade in your hand and draw is over your flesh because its your fault. You screwed up and now you are going to have to take the consequences. Why doesn't everyone pay this way, you ask? Because they aren't a little failure like you are. They have parents that are proud, friends that stand beside them, and a life that actually matters. When you discuss suicide with any one person, they tell you to hang on; if not for yourself, then those that love you. What the hell are they talking about?! They don't even understand what is going on but here they are telling you what to do. But because they know your intentions, you do not follow through. You sigh and take a step back into the soundproof room where everything repeats itself. The only truth you know is that you deserve this happening. You deserve a life of pain, agony, fear, and self hate. You know they will never understand and you know you don't deserve their help.
  15. Here is another update. This is for myself more in order to admit how idiotic the mistakes and choices I made and just the whole thing was. I heard from the guy I was infatuated with, and thought I fell in love with. No, I don't think I actually was after all. I'd never even met him in person, and he wasn't my type if we had met. He can be cruel if he wants to. Why he can, who knows. This will sound crazy to some of you. Through all the dumb mistakes, I have had a wonderful man for a husband, who talked me through and helped me to see clearly about this man, my choices, life and situation very patiently. We've had too many ups and downs and still do, but I'm liking him more everyday especially in light of such people as this other ex so-called "friend". How did I ever....? Many of you responded with genuine concern, some shock, but still that was genuine concern for what's right. I know this and I don't disagree with any of you. Anyway, this other guy now accuses me of trying to slander him on this forum, which I am not interested in doing. If that's what he thinks, I can't change that. I explained as I needed to about someone you know nothing about, which makes this a safe place to vent hurts we have from others. I came to this forum to vent, which is what I have done. I'm not interested in ruining people's lives. I realise that I was a fool to choose to even spend time on the net chatting with the other guy and he's truly someone I wish I'd not wasted my time with because it distracted me from important endeavors. Yet I was stupid enough to choose and allow this to happen, not to mention other idiotic mistakes in contacting him after the fact. I won't go much into detail, but he out and out lied to me about himself and what he had said, which doesn't need explanation at this point. Sheesh what a manipulator. He says he doesn't read this forum, but obviously his girlfriend does, apparently. So maybe he *has* been reading this forum. Who cares? Back to it, I apologized for some stupidity on my part. I hate some of the mistakes I've made, but at least it's never too late to keep learning from them. Have you ever just wondered why you end up doing the stupidest things and can be deterred and detracted from more important things in life when you're not looking for what you need in the right place? Still the guy is a jerk and I'm grateful to move forward from this. But how could I have ended up making choices to even go *near* there? 11Flower
  16. my gf and i broke up after a 2.5 year relationship a few months ago and i was absolutely devestated. at first it was mutual then i realized her reasons were different to what i thought they were (me not being emotionally expressive enough and that she didn't like the way she was becoming with me (narky and dominating)) which i thought was untrue about her but true about me. i realized what i had lost and pretty much asked to give it another go due to lack of understanding and that i am always ready to try. the answer was no, twice, but we still stay in touch and see one another once a week or so. we have talked about it quite a bit and she is always saying how much i have changed since( for the better) and how she is such a wench. my problem is that we broke up in love (it all started by us actually wanting to see eachother!) so that is why it has taken a while for me to get over it. now, i have finally regained myself and am quite happy being single yet i still think about her alot and the thought of her with another man still upsets me a little. why does she say these nice things about me and actually has noticed that i have changed for the better yet still no second try??? the more i think about our relationship and as time goes on, i realize what she was taking for granted that i DID do and less blame i put on myself, which i think is good. does this mean she is just mixed up and a little cofused? what's the story??? i have moved on now but am still o so interested in why???
  17. You cure my emotions for a short while. Nothing nowadays seems worthwhile except you. Stick together we'll never fall through. Everything i do to you, we'll work it through. I just wanna say i love you just as much as i used to. What you mean to me is something i'll never lose. Without you i'll just turn to booze And overuse this electrical fuse. I'm bruised, from losing you. I've isolated myself from communing. Just because im afraid of losing. You've hurt me so much im immune from you. Your so vain, you've caused me to much strain. I'll drain my pain in this flame. I hate what you became. Maybe we're not the same. Maybe im just to blame. You think it's all a game. Your all the same, Your all the same.
  18. is it bad to say what u feel??? is it bad to want to let out everything u feel and get it off ur chest my ex accuses me of still wanting him and being in denial because i tell him how i feel he says i look for arguments just because i want some type of attachment with him......he says i cant let go and thats y i do dumb things and start arguments i dont start arguments i say how i feel and of course he doesnt like it i wonder if i dont say nuthin he will continue to use me now since i say how i feel im a dumb person and still want him back, what do i do???....im moving out nov 16th it doesnt get here too soon.. it started because he went in the fridge and was about to get some orange juice and i asked him did u buy any orange juice here? well then he told me noone is going to take ur stuff u dumb person and he told me i dont kno why u feel the need to tell me things it seems that u have a lot of things u want to say but u should be intelligent enuff to kno i dont care and im not listening im blocking u out i told him if u block me out so much y do u throw them back in my face and he told me has a lot in his chest about me but he chooses not to start nuthin i told him well im the type that have to let it out...im finding myself feeling down because he has insulted me so much he told me i have nuhtin to offer and i am beggining to think i really i have good days but today my heart is skipping a beat he comes in and out the house like he owns the world like he has so much going for him and i am just sitting here offering nuhtin
  19. Hey, i'll try and keep it short..so i was goin out with this girl for bout 5 months or so, about a year and half ago nd we broke up in feb'04..i've never ever been so tru 2 anyone in my life but her..i helped her get ovr a lot of things in life, helped her get ovr her ex, get her confidence nd self respect back..there were so many times whn i jus sat there right besides her listening to her, tryin 2 cheer her up..whnever she was in dire straits, i'd help her out..nd this happnd not once or twice but several times, but i hung by her side nvr askin nythin in return..but yes in the process i fell for her nd lookin back i guess i got a bit pushy too..literally askin her 2 feel the same as I did for her..in her bit 2 push me away she accused me of spreading the rumor that i was telling people that I was sleeping with her(which i honestly didnt spread)..am a type of guy who usually never ever gets angry but this got me so bitter and hurt that i picked up a fight with her which extended into a bitter quarrell ovr weeks endin with a NC..this was in feb'04.. come Sep'04, she gave me a 'how u doin' call but i nvr called back coz i was still mad bout her accusing me but also i'd feelings for her nd i feared that in my anger i might say somethin tht i'd regret later..Dec'04, i finally got ovr my hate(yeah the holiday season got to me!) nd i called her up and we talked for 15-20 minutes(general chit chat, nothing special..but it did look like she knew a little bit bout wat was goin on in my life)..anyways, the next 2-3 months were truly hectic for me, dealin with my sisters near divorce to loadsa family problems to work..it was draining..and i truly didnt get a chance 2 call her up..now when i called her in march and april, she's stopped taking my calls, returning them or has someother guy take it for her!..i kno that maybe she's moved on..but then do u guys think she feels something for me? Since feb'04 i've gone out with 2 other girls, the first one who i met in march is a fantastic successful 25 year old girl..who ny guy wuld b lucky 2 have..the only reason we broke up in september was bcoz she graduated nd left town for good nd i am not good in long distance stuff! nd also she wantd 2 settle down in a yr or so..so i didnt wanna get her hopes high nd let her down..the 2nd girl was fun 2 hang out with but i nvr did;ve any feelings for her.. coming back 2 the girl in question, i've nvr felt so alive with nyone else in life and i keep wondering wat it would've been like if I wouldnt have pushed her hard in those stressful times..but i dont know what to do since she's stopped all lines of communication with me..yes i could go and talk 2 her face to face but i dont know if its a good idea..so guys wat du you make out of this situation and what would you do if you were me? I've waited enough for her!
  20. everything and nothing lead to this the hate the blood the pain something i cant resist feelings i can no longer maitain the first cut is instant release followed by shame of what i did the blood hits the floor and will not cease why do i do this, im just a kid i say goodbye you pay no mind so i leave without goodbye leaving everything my love and my hate behind is it time to leave or time to die red puddles of shame hiding my scars from public view in my self lays all the blame i hide the old and prevent the new outside i am fine inside im scarred hate burning inside me inside im bunerd and charred i no longer do this to myself but the pain is still haunting this pain i know all too well these little scars stand there taunting so never feel too sad even if you are there is nothing too bad so these problems left me, but alone inside im still scarred -sTiTcHeS oppinions?
  21. Well we broke up about a month ago, mainly because he said he felt i wasn't ready for a relationship and neither was he. I wouldn't blame him in saying such a thing because the way i acted towards him the majority of the times was uncalled for. Im not putting all the blame upon me because i know he had fault too but i am going to be women enough and say that i did trigger most of it with my attitude and all. However him saying he wasnt ready i believe he said that inorder to not make him feel inferior or pathetic in any way. Eversince then we do occasionally say hi to eachother in school, we talk 2 eachother whenever we get a chance to, which is hardly ever, i persitently catch him glancing over towards wherever im at and vice versa. Ive been trying to abide by the no contact method but i have to admit i have slipt at times either by approaching him and asking him certain things or writing him a letter (i did that once) Weve been on spring break and ive promised myself not to call him and distract myself as much as possible and ive done good for myself because the whole week has passed and i havent made any attempt to do so. In about three weeks from now there going to be selling prom tickets at my school and i really would want him 2 come with me as my date. I just dont know how to ask him or approach him with such a thing being that i havent talked to him in a long time, were not that close as we were before, and i have no idea whats going on in his life now. One thing that i do believe is that he might be doubtful of coming along due to financial situations. I believe i can help him with some of the costs and i dont believe he'll mind (due to past experiences we've had) but i just dont know how to ask him to come with me. There is another alternative. There is this guy i had a crush on for about 3 years and he suddeny re- appereared into my life soon after the break-up. He could be an option, but problem is my parents do not really approve of him, i dont think i'll be too comfortable w/ him and my friends in the same space, and i really want my ex to go instead. How should i approach him with such a question? what should i do? what should i say? i need help asap. thanx
  22. I'm having major problems regarding what to do with myself after my boyfriend's been taken advantage of. It's a long story...one that, majority of people don't believe. I don't blame them because all the odds are against my b/f. Basically, he was really drunk and this girl took full advantage of him. (to sum it all up in one sentence). My problem is not whether I believe him or not. I'm am now dealing with the rippling effect that his stupidity has caused me. All of my closest friends don't believe him, they feel I am a Loser for going back to a cheater. They are looking out for me and only have the best intentions for me, however it's caused me to distance myself away from them because first of all, they don't believe his story and I do. My question is, how does one survive a tramatic incident in a relationship? I know that we need to talk...but talking seems to only go so far. I've talked forever about how I feel and how he feels and how my friends feel...but there doesn't seem to be a conclusion. I feel as if our once perfect relationship is ruined. Now I must keep my friends separate from him because they think he's a jerk. We've been together for over 2.5 years. My emotions go from total forgivness to blaming him for the pain and anguish I'm going through. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense. I'm just so confused, sad, frustrated and angry. There was a time when I felt truly happy with my life. Now I feel like there's nothing but drama. Drama with my b/f and friends. I don't know how to fix things and make it all right again. My b/f lived with me for 2 years and when he screwed up, I kicked him out. Now I'm living on my own again and the loneliness is killing me. It's been about two months since he moved out. We still see each other to talk about things, but I'm finding it hard to just "see" him and not have him living with me again. I just don't know how to handle things gracefully. I often have angry outbursts now and have found myself defending myself and my b/f from my friends. Which I hate doing. Please, if anybody out there has gotten back with their b/f after they've cheated on you, I need some advice. The difference here is that he was taken advantage of..meaning he was essentially "raped" by a girl. I know that sounds totally unbelievable, but please, I don't need to hear that he's lying, because he's not. I just need to know what to do to get over this.
  23. Three years ago I intercepted and email chain between my wife and her HS boyfriend who happens to live in the same city. The email was sexually explicit and hinted at hooking up. I voiced my displeasure and I dropped it. A few months later my wife and I share a wonderful evening at a friends wedding. I notice a strange phone number on her auto-dial. Well, she had called him and email confirmed they were chatting again. I again confronted and asked her to stop. She said there is a lot of "Unresolved things" in their relationship that does not involve me. To make a long story short.... the sexual email continued and after one other attempt, they finally hooked up a couple weeks ago. I was out of town and came home early to be at the place where they were to meet. I watched them have a wonderful time together having drinks and go out for a nice dinner. I was relieved when all they did was hug when the left although I did over hear them tell each other "I love you". I hinted around the next couple days that I knew what happened till I finally told her. She immediately accused me of being spy, that she has no life of her own, and it took awhile for her to accept some blame. She maintains the fact she did not "Cheat" but I have caught her in so many lies about this situation that I wonder if she is hiding other things. This is supported by calls to and an incident with a common friend who my wife has flirted with. Last week it came to a head when the email continued and I lost it. If it was not for our kids, I would not be willing to work it out. She said she was extremely sorry, she was wrong and she would not do anything again. I was extremely hurt and she cannot put herself in my shoes. She wants me to trust her and it is hard. I know it is tough to be a stay-at-home mom with three kids but I have given her everything she ever wanted and now she wants "To be her own person." This weekend I found the HS boyfriend's phone number in her purse. I have no idea how long it has been there but I feel guilt for spying, I feel guilt I have not done enough, but most of all I feel a lot of pain. I keep asking the same questions.... Was what she did cheating? Where will it go and will in continue? Should I be labeled a spy when the past dictates I cannot trust her? HELP
  24. Hi guys/girls... I am new to the forum but am hoping that someone will shed some light on my situation, so here is my problem. I wouldn't call myself an drop dead gorgeous guy but I don't think I look horrible either and I know I am shy and somewhat unconfident, so all of this together, it is hard for me to express my feelings. About a year and a half ago, I met a girl and we started talking and became really good friends (and at the time thats all I wanted i to be, 'cause I wasn't ready for a relationship), and I know that the understands the way I feel about myself and I know that I can and will change. Anyway, we started spending alot of time together and doing things more often but then all of our friends started accusing her of using me (I am a nice guy and will do anything for a friend, but she will do anything for me also) and we stopped hanging out as much for a short wile to ease up the pressure and it worked. Now we have been doing just as many things together as before and the other day I basically told her... I enjoy hanging with you and wanted to ask you out on a date but since were are good friends I don't want to put you on the spot. So I told her I was gonna be somewhere at a certain time and if she wanted to carry our relatinship to the next level to show up and if she didn't I would forget the conversation (but i would now how she felt about me in that way) and we could just be good friends. To make a long story short, and it was long, she showed up and we had a chance to talk but I have a hard time understanding girls and I wanted to know... She told me that she was glad I asked her, but we have such a good friendship she didn't want that to be ruined. She said that it is easier to talk as friends and that thats what she wants to be for right now, but she said she was open to ideas in the future. So after all that, what do you all think. Is she just giving me a "classic" line or is she the girl I think she is and really cares about me and our friendship??? 1. What should I do about this, should I just back off and give her some space or what??? 2. To the girls out there, everytime I see her and we are together it seems like all we do is stare at each others eyes, is she trying to tell me something??? Thanks to all of you who take time to read this!
  25. i've posted before and i'm sorry i'm posting again. but for me, life is really becoming too much. i am extrmely angry at the fact that if their is a God he doesn't care at all about me. and i know he cares about other people because he helps all the stupid thugs and ganstas all the freakin time. i try to be a good person, but now i'm just tired of trying anything. and it's not just God that doesn't care, my family could care less about my feelings. they thinkg all my problems are nothing. how would you like it if something really bothered you and everyone just blew it off? because i think it's stupid. today i got up and i didn't want to. i wished God would've ended my life in my sleep or maybe a big truck hit me on the way to school. i'm in love and that hurts too cause the girl i like has a stupid bf already. for me it was a big step to go up to her cause i'm not like all these other guys who are apparently better than me. and yes i do blame God cause as all those gospel songs i hear, he's in control and he doesn't give up on people....well he gave up on me. i feel like a horse and God is always dangling a carrot or something in front of me. close enough for me to smell it but never able to really have it. if someone reads this please understand, i've truly tried to make things right in my worthless life so that's why i blame God. i mean, i'm not blaming people, and i think God can be blamed cause i didn't ask to be born. i didn't ask to be without a purpose and i didn't ask to always be punished all the time. like i said he doesn't punish the thugs and bad people who do wrong on purpose, so why the hell does he punish someone who tries to be considerate of others. i don't think i'm a saint, but i don't want to think i'm a horrible person either. i just wish things would get better. but if they don't i'm gonna just give up before it gets even worse. to anyone who took the time to read this thank you and i'm sorry if it sounds stupid. but it's how i honestly feel
  • Create New...