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About Me


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  1. Do you have book passages, quotes, poems that left their mark on you, speak to you, do you perhaps even use them as a mantra or orientation in life? Perhaps you just..like them? Well, I have tons and tons and I never seem to get enough and have the same curiosity drive me in the inquiry about yours as some women have for "what's in your handbag" pins. It's an obsession of mine almost. If you have bits of literature you'd like to share I bet some of us bookworms would love to read them. If possible, try to add the authors name or a book title for those who might be interested in reading more. Happy posting- and reading
  2. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  3. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I told her about my general life and the rules that I've implemented, she inturn said that I am only building walls. She said "I think my rules will protect me but they are just the excuse to hide and shut out the rest of the world." Do I not have the right to protect myself? And is it not my right to chose the kind persons I want to have relationships with? How I see it, is I have a few standards and they have to be met, not all of them but most and my rules just narrow down my search. I honestly dont think I am shutting anyone out just the people to whom the rules apply. I do believe that there will be situations where my rules should be discarded but until then, they my life is governed by them. My friend argued that my soul mate may fall short by my standards or will I may never find anyone at all, to which I replied "I dont believe in one mate but a soul mate network. Instead of having just one perfect mate for you, there are many personalities that suit your character." If you think you've found your soul mate I'm happy for you but I've met at least four persons I could call soul mates and I'm not with any today. I just want to know, do anyone think its wrong to set a few guide lines about what you desire, do you believe its a way of masking my pain from the past?
  4. Hi, My girl and I are breaking up. The main reason she gives for this is that "you'll be better off without me" and that she is "Sacrificing me so I can be happy". This makes no sense to me and is making me feel really upset. She has some emotional problems which I want to and have helped her with. My question is, can anyone help me to understand what she really means by this because i am so confused.....? many thanks.
  5. Ok this is only what i think of the perfect relationship , after alot of experiences, i think there ought to be some ideas of the perfect relationship between any two lovers. First , when you get past the chemistry and the whole getting to know each other part , being really close friends is the best thing you can do and i mean that in the manner of FRIENDS like think of him/her as any normal close friend you go to when in vain or happiness Second , become best friends and make sure that both of you ARE . Third , I think any relationship is like a building that has 3 solid bases that consist of 1-Honesty 2-Respect 3-Love if any of these are missing or not stable , then you either got to fix it or back out and this is were the loyalty to one another shows up where both of you are willing to do whatever comes to mind to fix it up , and honestly ive rarely seen any of those. I wish everyone and myself good luck.
  6. I've become heartless, cold and angry, yet i don't know why, I got over a tough relationship with my ex girl and found myself angry. I was seeing other women after that but I could'nt care less about them. Lately at work i've been somewhat of an a..hole to my co-workers, I don't talk to the family much and don't really care much about my close friends problems. I know it's not because of the break up, I got over that, but I still feel like I failed as a man or a person in general, I'm unhappy with my life, I don't wanna be where I am, but i'm stuck, I support my sick parents financially, there are so many things I want and can't have, I feel alone but don't really want anyone in my life right now cause I don't wanna bring them down with me it's a dilemma I can't figure out, I know theres gotta be something I could do. I know i'm not depressed or in need of a shrink, I'm sure it's something simple...I hope
  7. Hey, Me an my girlfriend are really happy. I love pleasing her. We don't go that far because she doesn't want to, which is fine with me i respect that. So far she is All talk meaning she will say all this dirty stuff she want's to do and then not be up to it. On one occasion she told me she wanted to give me head, so of cource i agreed, and i asked if i could give her oral first, she also agreed. When it came time unbuttoning her pants her eyes turned into a sort of crying mode, no tears just red, i stopped what i was doing asked her if she was alrite continued questioning her and then she finally said she didnt wanna do it. Now she has done this in the past and it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. When she does something like this my pride is hurt for a while and i feel like Shizzle . She gets me all worked up and then lets me down. The Shizzley feeling i try to cover it up but it just shows and i can't help it as much as i try... Another thing i should mention is she got the same way when were gonna make out at the mall but 3 visits later she did it without thought. I am very confused...is she just counting down on a clock...it feels like i am being messed with...am i???? What is the real problem here we have made out i've felt her up... she felt me up (reluctantly) and i have fingered her while her pants were on (yes my hands were actually inside her a load of times)(don't ask how) and that is it...what the heck is going on here
  8. Im already here way down despite the gravel its all over me its like a pendulum swinging back and forth swinging back n forth you turn to me my attitude and corner ways wait a couple swings and you wont even look into my day its like a popularity contest you dont even know you add it to your brain and store it away but you will never really know what your world is like because you base it to much off there flight you base your happiness on what is there but i base it on what is gone because my body is empty and its all turned away im walking out that silent door today cuz im not built that way...
  9. Its me again, i am the one who posted a couple weeks ago the "What should i do" here is my current problem, the girl in the last post, i am in love with her, i am happy everytime i am with her, and anytime i think about her. We don't talk online as much due to we have more going on with our lifes so we have homework and other stuff, but we sit and talk for an hour or more after school everyday. one day i told her i was starting to fall in love, and she said she never thought she would ever be as close to anyone as she is with me. well a couple days after that, i was hinting that i wanted to tell her that i loved her, and i chickened out and i have no clue, i truly feel that way i just couldn't say it. It could be because in 5 months i have to leave for boot camp, and we might never see each other again. then i asked her if she wanted to say it first (and by it i was hinting at "I love you"). she said she didn't want to jynx what we already had. i still am not 100% sure of what that means. she is the first person i have truly cared about. i am so happy and lucky that she is in my life. any help or suggestions on what i should do would be greatly appreciated
  10. We've been pretty good friends for a while, and ever since october or so we've started to get really really close. Like close to best friends. I thought I may have envisioned it going further so I asked her what she thought and she said she felt that way too and thought that in a while she'd want to be with me. So I waited and was patient. About two weeks later we started talking about it again and what she said was really weird. She said that she realized that she was wrong and that she could never go out with me because her good friend was my ex gf. Also, she said she just doesnt like me in that way. But see in those 2 weeks, things just got even better. It was better than it ever was before and I'm sure she felt that way too. So i got kind of upset for a little bit, but I didn't go off on her or anything. Then about two weeks ago her and this kid started going out. Now he's kind of my friend I guess, but he rarely talks. I would say he's good looking, and he's sort of like this cult hero lol, like everyone says he's so cool as a half joke (he actually is cool though). I was really upset when she told me. She told me before that she wasn't sure if he liked her for the right reasons so she wasn't sure if she wanted to go out with him. She told me that if I didn't want her to then she wouldn't for me, but even though I didn't, I said that I was ok with it because it would make her happy. Since then things have been horrible. I've basically ignored her and haven't made any attempt to talk to her. But, for some reason today I gave her an amazing bday present that she really loved. I almost didn;t want to give it to her for some reason. So 2 weeks ago she said she'd ask me if I wanted her to break up with him and if I did then she would. She's going to ask me soon and I don't know what to say. I don't even understand what is really wrong with our friendship. If I say no, I don't want you to break up, then I'm afraid our friendship will keep being horrible and I won't be able to talk to her. But, if I say yes I do, then I'm afraid she would hold it against me and I would take away someone that really makes her happy from her. She's said I mean so much to her, more than her bf, and she would do anything for me if it meant keeping our friendship... It is a predicament nonetheless..
  11. Ok well I am going to post because I need to let some thing's out as of right now and vent and hoping someone out there can help me out,The other day I called my ex he told me to leave him alone that he dont want to talk to anyone that he dont need friends that he just dont want to talk to anyone until he get his head straight I understand and respect that but at the same time I love him and dont want that to be the last conversation we ever have... Another thing that bothers me is that I was just there lastweek,He called me ask me to come over to spend sometime with him,When I got there he told me that he missed me and asked me to stay tonight,He was the biggest sweetheart that I had ever seen to me,I ended up staying the night and we ended up sleeping together that is another reason why I do not understand why he is acting all mean towards me and dont want to talk to me now? I was with this man for 2 1/2 years broken up for about 11 months now and I know you might say move on and dont call get over him I realize this what I want to do is move on and then when we are both are better get back with eachother.That is my heart I cannot just walk away from the one person who made me happy.I know people might think im stupid for being there for him but I am very distant about it. I have not picked up the phone to call him since he said leave him alone but he has not called me either but that's normal for him,He is mean one minute and nice the next,He shows and tells me interests of getting back together in the future but does not treat me like the woman he wants to marry one day like he says,He is riskin our love our relationship and possibly our friendship and that is why I fight so hard for him because I dont want anything to jeoperdize none of the above..... What should I do now?Can someone give me some insight on what I can do and how I can deal with the fact that he just simply does not want to talk to me now because he is unhappy?He keeps telling me he is unhappy and that is the reason he is snappy also! I dont know sometimes I put so much into and put so much of me out there with him and dont get the same....Any advice on what I can do and how I should go about looking at this situation????This has been going on for 11 months now on and off but when it's on I love how it is!
  12. my bf is from another country, hates his job and is homesick im 30 and hes 26, we've been living together for a year the other day he asked me where i see the relationship going i said i was happy with everything, he said he feels a bit trapped as he never gets time to himself i have compromised and started going out a couple times a week to give him a bit of time in the flat alone as he never got any before as i was always there he hasn't said much since then, that was a couple weeks ago i feel a bit funny, always wondering how he's feeling about me how do i find out if hes happier, he doesn't really like 'talking' but i feel uncomfortable about how things are at the moment
  13. For some reason it all makes sense this morning at 5am. I've been struggling for a long time with having been basically single for my entire life, and allowed myself to be treated really badly by men because I wanted intimacy so badly. For a while I thought that I could never be happy without someone special in my life and sometimes I cried just thinking about how I might be alone forever. Suddenly (and much of it is due to many of the people who have answered my posts), I'm beginning to discover real happiness and it feels really good. I've been looking around at all my friends relationships, and they seem happy, but they have to deal with a lot of relationship drama. They also feel obligated to spend time with their boyfriends, even when they are really busy. I, on the other hand, get to do what I want, when I want it. Plus, I get to flirt and meet all kinds of new, interesting people. I have a lot of interests that I'm only now beginning to explore, now that I am less concerned with finding a guy. I never had a career goal before, but now I have decided what it is I want to pursue after college- and I'm really excited about it. And now that I'm realizing that I can be perfectly happy without a man, life just seems easier. Don't get me wrong..I still believe in love. And having a family is still extremely important to me. But I think I consumed myself in trying to find a man for so long that I lost sight of what it is I really want. How can I enhance someone else's life if my own life is consumed in "finding someone" while this beautiful world is going on around me. How will anyone ever love me if I don't love myself? And how can I ever make anyone else's life happier if I am not happy with myself? I know I will find the right one (or he'll find me)- but I've found enough peace within myself to wait until the right one comes along. I know what I want now, too, which helps a lot, but now I have the confidence to wait for what it is I want to enter my life and not to settle for someone who isn't going to give me their best. And I'm finding that I'm a lot more personable, a lot more interesting and a lot more fun this way. I'm not bitter anymore, not as shy and so much more sure of myself. I hope I never lose this feeling! Thanks to everyone who helped me! You're advice and encouragement helped me enormously.
  14. does anyone here think that being in love means you want to spend the rest of your life together? personaly i think being in love doesnt necessarily mean that u want to spend the rest of your life together but more that ur open to that possibility and that ur happy to just be with them n being in love is more so just a feeling, a feeling that u really care and adore them etc. u see my boyfriend says that being in love or sayin that ur in love means that u want to spend the rest of your life together. cant you be in love but not necessarily say your goin to spend the rest of yoru life toegther? alsso if your not ready to fall in love do u think u can stop urself from fallin in love?
  15. celci

    hand job

    i need help on how to do a "proper" hand job..(to a guy obviously) i need help! how to do things..ive heard the phrase.."tease the head"..what does that exactly mean? and also how do i make him really happy..lol..well you get it! respond please! thanks
  16. Hi! I'm 22 years old. I have a boyfriend who is 24, thoughtful, sweet, and really cute. He's not a real jealous guy and he doesn't smother me. BUT he constantly tells me that I look or seem unhappy, and I have trouble communicating feelings. It's because of these reasons he is unhappy. He also says that I belittle and make fun of the things he likes too much. My last boyfriend told me these things too. Our chemistry is off and on. We tell eachother we love eachother all the time. I have been with him for a little over a year, and before him I had a 4 year relationship. I'm not making him happy, and it makes me think if I really should be in this relationship. I've started emailing this guy I think is attractive and in a band. But I'm pretty sure this band guy will not treat me as well as my boyfriend does. What is a good or less hurtful way of breaking up with him? How can I approach this? I'm so confused! I wanted to move in with my boyfriend eventually, but now I'm not so sure. Thanx for the help.
  17. hey everyone well about halfway through last year i wanted 2 live with one of my 3 sisters because i wasnt happy with the area i was living in and i was really depressed. anway so they all gave me false hope and led me to believe it was ok to move with them then changed their mind. i never really opened up to them until i was led to believe i was getting out of here and then i started to. the funny thing is not one of them apologised for doing that. im not hurt at the fact i couldnt go but the fact they led me to believe i could and then burst my bubble. ive tried to tell them how much it hurt but they just said your only 16 and i dont want you 2 be my responsibility. the funny thing is if the situations were reversed id still take them in even after the pain they caused me. so basically i forgave them i dint 4get wat they did and accepted i got 2 more years in this hole. but now its 4th week of school and i get depressed for no reason sometimes but other times i feel fine all i want to know is does anyone know a way i can stop these random depressions. and how can i stop it
  18. I am really hurt and I am so confused, I have been left alone mistreated and abused. I dont have much more to give I already gave all I could, Not getting much of the same in return like I should. I know I deserve happiness and I see that happiness in you, But people say im brainwashed and believe what you say and do. cant help who you fall in love with so I gave my heart for you to keep, But not to be played with and do nothing but try and weep. I do still love you because you have my broken heart, It cannot be thrown around anymore it must heal and restart. I dont know what you want from me or even if you want me at all, But I begin to push away from you and stand my ground stand tall. I dont believe that this is still happening that you still have not come back, But when I think about our love there is so much that you let lack. I love it when you hold me or when you tell me you miss me so, It puts me back in this rut of you not letting me know. When you decide what you want and what it is you need, My heart then will stop this aching and this wound will not bleed.
  19. Ok this is going sound kinda odd, but hear me out. My gf lets me make all the decisions as to where we go to eat, or what we do when we go out. When I ask for some of her input, she says "Whatever you want is fine with me", or something along those lines. I know this seems like a man's fantasy, but I cant help but be worried. I know she loves me, but Im worried than eventually she will just get frustrated about me picking stuff that I want to do. I try to pick stuff for us to do that I think she would like, but she just tells me Im picking it for her and gets mad. I also dont her want to do the stuff I choose just because she wants to make me happy; I want us to do stuff together because we want to. Any advice? I tried talking to her about it, but she tells me she wants whatever I want.
  20. Right, nice and short, no details except basically she knows I like her alot, shes told me she likes me a hell of alot but said mates is how we shud be... Now, I have fallen head over heals for her, I think about her 24/7, dream about her every night, infact i'm obcessed by her (she doesnt know that tho and I wont let that show, no one wants that lol) Im having a real bad time at the mo, depressed about everything, including wanting to be with her but not being with her. The only time Im actually happy is when Im with her. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how she is everything I want and more, how she is everything I could ever wish for in a person, how Im falling madly in love with her BUT if I do that I will probably 1) scare her off completely and 2) get very hurt. So I dont have the guts to say it to her. But I have to cus it is getting me down. So, any idea how I could tell her that, how I could get talking to her about it? I can easily talk about it on MSN but I want to avoid that cus that cant show how I truly feel, I need to do it in person but how? Where? What to say?
  21. Though all the pain of breaking up, though it hasn't been too long (2 weeks ago) i have taken immidate action to try and better myself from this experiance. I have been going to therapy and my therapist reccomended a book that is excelent and you all should read because it will help you understand where your relatinship lacked, went wrong and how to fix future relationships before they turn sour. The book is called "The Seven principles for makeing Marriage work". it applies to not just marriages but relationships in general, it helps you figure out what makes a happy marriage specifically not just concentrating on what makes marriages fall apart. It has made me realize thgat there definatly were some potentialfuture disasters waiting to happen with the way things were going, but we had ALLOT of positives too, In any case i am concidering sending my ex a very to the point email suggesting her pick up the book so she can better understand herself and be better equiped to deal with relationships in the future. I don;t want to try and decipher specifically what worked or didn't work in our relationship and feed it to her but mearly suggest she decide that herselfwhen reading the book, I've learned allot from the book and think you guys should pick it up too, although a warning is that you will experience feelings of disappointment regarding your breakup situation when you read about parts of your former relationship that were solvable,think of it as a way to keep future potential relationships from screwing up. though i admit, part of why i want to suggest the book to my ex is to have her realize that i have made progress to attempt to better my understanding of relationships and would be better equipped should she ever decide to want to try it agian with me(though the opposite could happen,she could thinkwe were just way too different to try agian, even though i don't thinkthats the case). Though i hate to admit it to myself, as badly as she hurt me by leaving i do wish her sucess in life and happiness. Theres also arisk of her desiring to try these techniques on a new partner too. All in all, i'm not sure if i should suggest it to her, or break NC for this in general... Whatare your thoughts on this? Bythe way pickup this book it will probably help you allot,it's by the auther John M. Gottman.
  22. I would appreciate any replies on this post. The other day I rode by my girl's house and noticed she was on the phone, so I stopped by. I walk up the driveway and she pretends to be surprised to see me. She was just sitting there on the phone when I noticed a guy's full name written on her leg. Her ex. I knew she was on the phone with him by her body language. She continues to talk on the phone as if I wasn't standing there. Then she gets off and asks me what I want. I was never so shocked. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She claims it was her cousin on the phone. no one talks to a cousin in that manner. At that point I was fed up. Even though it was hard, I managed to get my stuff back (bracelet, bellyring, pictures, etc.) I came back later to return her stuff and talked to her mom. I let her know that I was giving up. She wasn't happy about that at all. As I was leaving my girl followed me out her house saying she wanted to talk. I told her I don't want to deal with her. There were plenty of chances to talk in the past, so why now. It got to the point where she was blocking me from getting to my car. Then she started getting physical by pushing me repeatedly. I eventually got to my car and she still wouldn't let me leave. She grabbed my hair as I started the car, so I rolled her arms up in the window and thought about taking off. Couldn't do it. Next thing I know she tries to choke me out. She knew I wouldn't hit back. In the midst of that she took my phone. I told her to let me check her. At this point I realized she had an urge for me to touch her. I made her check herself. She showed me the phone and said she wouldn't give it back unless I gave her a hug. (I can't say what went through my mind on this post). I was shocked. I left after that and she's been calling me all last night, this morning, afternoon, and evening nonstop using different people's phones. This morning she was begging me to get the phone (voice mail). It even sounded like she was crying. Later she sent a message and apologized for the other night telling me she loves me and wants me in her life. I think she can change, but we've been through this so many times. Does she really care that much? Should I leave her? Thanks for reading.
  23. Ladies if you have ever felt as if : You give alot in a relationship, but don't get the same in return. You keep dating men who won't committ and just drag it on as much as possible. Men take you for granted. You would do anything to keep your relationship together. Your self-esteem is damaged and don't know how to repair it. Then you need to read this book by Sherri Argov--Why Men Love B( female dogs--eh)--From Doormat to Dreamgirl. It's not a man bashing book or a woman bashing book. It presents real life situations with tips on how to achieve a loving, healthy relationship and not settle for less than that. It also lists some of the things you might be doing wrong. If you don't agree with the material it is still very entertaining and funny. Happy reading!
  24. I'm not happy w/ myself, but for the past few years I've tried to push myself further, hoping that things will get better. Once in awhile, things go well. But so often, I find myself relapsing, and miserable. I have my whole life in front of me, but at times, I feel like I could just fall over and give up. I'm tired of living such a boring life-- but this I can't change, I'm still in school and I need to work. What I've always wanted was a wonderful boyfriend. But that's not happening. I know... I've heard it all before, I've even said it myself as advice to others-- you have plenty of time for guys, you'll meet Mr. Right, a guy should not be your number one priority, etc, etc, etc.... I'd need to love myself first to be in a healthy relationship, but I don't even know where to start anymore. I don't know what I'm doing w/ myself anymore. I don't have any energy. I feel like I'm just drifting away. Everything's just passing me by, and it all means nothing. Everything is starting to bring me down even more. When I try to show interest in a guy, I get too shy and just wait for things to happen. Whenever someone else criticizes me, I take it really hard. I do'nt know what to do anymore... I feel like such a waste....
  25. We both just started our talking etc and I mistakely proposed her in the beginning. our relationship was very young. She was a bit attracted to me.But after proposing, she told me she is not happy. I called her the day after and said sorry and I was not serious. She then told me she wanted some time but it was too late as I told her I was not serious(though iam serious, i just said it so our friendship does not break.) Now she does not talk to me. I am shattered , Please help me. How to overcome this problem and is there any way to get her back.
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