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About Me

  1. Do you have book passages, quotes, poems that left their mark on you, speak to you, do you perhaps even use them as a mantra or orientation in life? Perhaps you just..like them? Well, I have tons and tons and I never seem to get enough and have the same curiosity drive me in the inquiry about yours as some women have for "what's in your handbag" pins. It's an obsession of mine almost. If you have bits of literature you'd like to share I bet some of us bookworms would love to read them. If possible, try to add the authors name or a book title for those who might be interested in reading more. Happy posting- and reading
  2. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  3. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  4. Hi everyone, I need help with my current situation in life. I need to change my personal life. I love my family very much but I’m feeling held back and it’s stifling. I would like to start learning web development to work on a new platform idea. My problem is I live at home and I’m already 51 years old. I don’t have savings but will find a way to pay for the classes. I don’t even know where to begin explaining. I have many questions but most importantly is do you think it’s too late to start over at my age? I don’t feel confident but I will start over somehow. Please ask me questions and give me your ideas. I would greatly appreciate any of your views. Thank you, Starflowers
  5. Hello everyone I hope you're doing well, I'm currently a month into a breakup with a man who used to talk about our future and wanted to marry me. We met in high school and dated on and off up to college. The breakups before were initiated by me--most being from my insecurities and depression; the usual "he can do better than me". The last breakup I initiated I had felt unhappy in the relationship and broke up with him and dated a mutual friend of ours for one day before I didn't feel right. Within the week I had gone back to check up on him and he was doing awful. He was having self-identity issues and thinking about dying (though not trying to actively commit suicide or anything.) The dude I had left him for manipulated me and guilt tripped me for months along with other terrible things and I had a hard time cutting him out but I eventually did as my ex-boyfriend wanted. We got back together after a while of that and fast-forward two years to now. He ended it saying he didn't feel like he loved me anymore and that what had happened two years ago made him lose everything. I know I hurt him deeply and for the past two years I'd done all I can to help heal his hurt and trust. He said after a while that he did trust me and he believes me. During the breakup, he said I did nothing wrong and I did everything I could, but I disagree. Looking back on the last few months after the breakup I can say we definitely fell into complacency and negativity. The day before the breakup he sent me encouraging messages and told me how proud of me he was for getting over my past insecurities, how much he appreciated all the things I've done, and how I always tried my best in everything I put my mind to. We initially kept low contact for the first few weeks and met up twice to discuss the relationship (which was a no from him) and giving him his birthday presents I had gotten him before the breakup. When we discussed the relationship and breakup he said he felt unhappy that he couldn't feel anything for me anymore and it got to the point where he was drinking to try to feel anything. I agreed with him that it was unhealthy and I wished he had told me what was going on. I asked him if there would be a chance in the future, after he feels better with himself, for us to try again and gave me an "I don't know". He doesn't want a relationship right now and I understand and respect that. Currently, I'm trying to give him space and not contact him. He told me while he does not mind talking to me, he has no interest in doing so. Yet a few days ago he initiated contact by sending me a couple messages and pictures but the conversation wouldn't last too long and I left him alone after he stopped responding. As much as I hate the breakup, I understand why he did it--he was unhappy and that's all he really needs to make this decision. He's improving and finding hobbies to do and reaching out to old friends again (this was something I suggested while we were in the relationship, but he said he couldn't do it while in the relationship). He told me he would always put me first in the relationship and he did that to himself. That was never what I wanted and I told him that, that I wanted a relationship where we both focus on ourselves and each other. There's not much I can do other than focus on myself and my happiness and it's coming along. I'm finding the parts of me that I lost in the relationship: my self-confidence and independence. He told me in the end I was being really dependent on him and he's right. I'm sure that made it much more difficult for him during the relationship. I still think of him all the time and miss him dearly, but I know I can be happy with myself. I was happy with myself before but he filled my heart and after that left I felt so lost. I still have hope that there is a chance for us, as we've been through so much already and always came back together. However, I don't want to bank on that. Instead, I'm hopeful in the time we spend apart becoming better versions of ourselves. Anyways, this is terribly long but I was wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how it turned out for you? What is the possibility that his unresolved issues from two years ago affected his feelings? Maybe he put up an emotional wall from it all? Advice would be greatly appreciated too. Thank you.
  6. Happy Birthday my lovely friend ...10 years have gone by in a blink love ( and we were only early 40's sob ) I wish you a happy day and much love and kindness and happy blessings on this ...the strangest birthday I hope you ever have xxxxx I LOVE YOU XXXXX
  7. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  8. I've been officially single over a week but in reality after not seeing my ex since September Ive been emotionally single a lot longer. To summarise breaking up came about due to covid restrictions, growing apart during the lockdowns and just not being the right fit for me. We started dating around this time last year but haven't spent tons of time together due to covid. She is heartbroken and I'm upset about that part of her being upset but personally I feel fine about breaking up, I know I made the right choice and I'm on the right path for me and excited about the new chapter in my life once this virus is in check. With all this in mind I'd like to take up online dating over next couple of months, chat to some people, hopefully make a good connection and go on a socially distanced walk or some safe activity for a date. My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?
  9. She reached out, she didn't want to get back together, she married the other guy pretty soon after. So how the heck is this a happy ending??? Just thought you guys want to know what's it like on the other end of the tunnel, since not many who have moved on really come back to tell their stories. Now this is my experience, mind you, take what is useful, discard what's not. Soon after the faithful "reach out" that we all wait for, I was crushed. I thought I had done everything right from the No-Contact rule book. I didn't call her, text her, contact her, cyberstalk her whatsoever for about a half a year. Only to get the "I miss you, but I love the other guy, shpeal." It sucked, It sucked hard, (and not in a good way.) I think I spent the next couple months just bawling to be honest. Just self-indulging myself. I ate, slept, worked. I hung out with friends, tried to spruce up the style. Tried to date, but it's sort of hard when you're an empty shell. So what happened? One day working my job that I hated (albeit it was well paying) I was like it, I'm joining the Army. Now mind you I was over 30 at this point so this has gotta be the world's worse mid-life crisis 10 years too early. I went to my recruiter's office and tried to enlist. NOW, before you think I'm going to tell you to join the military (albeit, we need people right now) that is NOT what I'm suggesting. Especially if you think being in uniform will get your mate back. It won't. Furthermore if you go to basic training with that type of baggage, there's a good chance you'll probably wash out (We had one wash out because of her ex as well). For me, the military was always something I thought about and admired throughout my 20s, So I already had an interest, I just never acted on it. Buuuuuuut... My recruiter said I was too fat to join, especially if I was trying to be an officer. So after 4 cheeseburgers and a milk shake I hobbled down to a crossfit gym and started working out. Let's just say, it's not pretty going from a couch potato to a gym nut overnight. And the result were slow (I love food too much). Then my recruiter said I was too slow, so I ran 2 miles every day too to get my time down. For about one year I would hit the gym right after work, followed by a 2 mile run every night. I was motivated, I had a goal. For once, I was thinking about something else other than women, and my general loneliness. I still socialized on the weekend, partied, but not as hard, since alcohol and gains don't mix, not just in calories but also just how ty I'd feel on mondays. I also noted the ladies were getting friendlier, but at this point, I didn't care. All I wanted to do was enlist, and all my time was either spent working, or working out. Finally about a year of hard work, and about 20 pounds lost. My recruiter finally gave me a go to go to Fort Benning. He proudly shook my hand and said, "I honestly didn't think you'd do it, but if there's anyone I'd want as an officer, I'm glad you're going." I had a going away party before I left, and it was bittersweet. Then, about 10 weeks of Basic Training followed by 12 weeks of OCS. It sucked, I started realizing how good on the civilian side. Suddenly all that ing about being single and alone, and missing my ex felt stupid. You have a lot of come to Jesus moments when people are yelling at you and you're sleeping in dirt Fortunately I enlisted as a reservist so after 5 long months, I got to return home as a brand spanking new 2nd Lieutenant. My friends couldn't be happier. We had a celebration for my return. Now I didn't feel any different mind you, despite what everyone said, I will say I was more indifferent to a lot of BS. About two weeks from my return home, I made out with one of crushes. She was hesitant, for anything afterwards considering our age difference (I was in my 30s, she had just turned 21.) And just like in all those no-contact courses, I was like, "look, it's cool if you don't want to, just lemme know if you change your mind." Now at this point I meant it. The way I looked at it, I knew I was an amazing catch being financially well off, with a little warrior streak (hooah!) And gosh darn it people like me! Fast-forward, we've currently been dating for over a year at this point. I've never seen a girl so madly in love before. Sometimes I think I need to teach her about Craig Kenneth's attachment theory, cause she definitely is an anxious type. So in Summary what is this story trying to convey? Do the work, learn about relationships, your insecurities, and your triggers, learn how to cope, and self-soothe, it comes in handy. Seeing a counselor helps tremendously. But please oh please don't throw out too much cash for those breakup coaches. Find your purpose in your life, what gets you excited to get out of bed. If it's a career change do that. If it's a new hobby or traveling do that. Find something that defines your life that isn't romance. Romance comes as a reward to character, but like a bonus check it comes when you least expect it. Socialize. One of the biggest advantages I had, was I already had a decent community around me being a dancer for over 10 years. If you don't have something like that, now's the time to find something like that. Hobbies, do something new to fill in the space you feel like you're missing. Be the best version you can be, because ultimately that's the only way to really win in "no-contact." No I didn't get back together with my ex. She seems happily married from when I checked her Facebook a year ago. I'm honestly happy she's found what she wanted, just like I'm very happy with my current sweetie. And isn't that what it's all about? If you truly love someone, shouldn't they just be happy, regardless of whether they're with you or not? I hope this helps, feel free to PM if you have any questions. I don't spend too much time here nowadays, but I do visit time to time.
  10. I know this is a long post. I’ll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesn’t want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didn’t read.) I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing. So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die." Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. She’s kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people. Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep. So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep. I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of. Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her. I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said don’t worry about my crazy ass while you’re at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. I’m kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didn’t want her to see me this way. I still haven’t decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said it’s not anything she can’t handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either. I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesn’t take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy. Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. I’m here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading. TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.
  11. Hello, everyone. Well, as the title says, I was in a 6 year relationship with a woman I loved dearly. A couple of weeks ago, she ended things with me. Reason being, I have been unable to hold a steady job for very long and we both were still living with our families. She said she can't wait any longer for me. She said she is not going to reconsider getting back together unless I can show her, in a reasonable amount of time, that I can find steady employment and hold on to it, and also I can get a place on my own. I definitely begged and tried to convince her I know my feet are to the fire and I will do anything I can to make both of us happy but she wasn't trying to hear it. I then asked her not to kick me out of her life completely and suggested we stay in contact so I can keep her abreast of changes I'm making. She agreed. Since the breakup, we've had sex twice, and it was amazing both times. She began texting and calling regularly like normal for about a week, and I thought we were on the fast track to getting back together. A week ago, I was at her place and I tried to put my arms around her. She immediately took them off her and said "we're not together. I don't want to make you think we're working towards anything right now. I'm not changing my mind until you get your sh*t together". I noticed over the last few days the texts and calls had been drying up, so I called her and talked to her about it. She again reiterated that she is not changing her mind, and that she will still see me occasionally and she prefers to have sex with me rather than a total stranger, but again, until I can man up and move out, she will not consider getting back. So now I'm in a place where I am absolutely racing against the clock. I'm looking furiously for good paying full time work, and I am swearing to everyone in my family tree that I will bust my butt to keep that next job, no matter how much I hate it. I've lost 15 pounds over the last few weeks and I'm looking great, practically living in the gym now. But....you all know how it is..... I'm dying inside everyday. I can't text her when I want like I have been for the last 6 years. I can't call her because I don't want to pressure her. So I sit around and suffer in silence all day and night. I blame myself for being a complete loser and not giving us the life she wanted years ago. I'm terrified she will eventually lose all interest in reconciling even when I get it together, despite her being the realest, most honest woman I've ever known. If she says something, she means it. I mean, if she was 100% totally done, all lines of communication would be severed right? She wouldn't even leave the door open for a reunion like she has if she was truly willing to end it forever. I just need advice guys and girls. She's not a golddigger, but she's right. We're not getting any younger, and she needs stability. I figured because she came from a low income background, she would be okay with living average until I could find something that really made me happy. I'm stupid for thinking that. I'm just hurting really bad. She is a good woman, and she was faithful for all those years, as was I. I don't want to lose her forever.
  12. Hi everyone. I want to start by saying I hope everyone is safe and well during the pandemic. About my relationship, I had a tricky breakup last year and I didn't intend to jump into another relationship as quickly as I did, but love happens and everything seems so perfect through those rose-tinted glasses. It's been just under a year since we've been together, our families have met and we come from strict Asian cultural backgrounds (when parents meet it means it's serious and its heading down the path of marriage) I'm so happy with him or I was happy with who he was, but during the pandemic, he's been at home and with his family. His mother is quite religious and I feel he has become religious too, more so than his mum!! He wants to meet less and less now because there will be more "blessings" for when we actually get married next year (having sex or anything before marriage is a sin, bearing in mind! I was a virgin when we met and we had sex and he happened to be my first) The whole religion spiel is not what I signed up for. I find religious people become so hypocritical and it is okay for them to pick and choose what suits their needs whenever they feel like it, and we all must accept it because it's for the sake of religion ? Also he knows about my past, my ex, what happened, the details But when I asked him about his past, he said he's been with "3 or 4 people"... its either 3 or 4, I'm sure one would remember.... I had the mindset that the past is his business and if he didn't want to talk about it then I was okay with it. But I met up with some of my friends, and they told me that even though ignorance is bliss, it can make me naive. And knowing what happened just briefly or why it broke down is important if we are to be getting married... and if I'm asking he should be respectful enough to reutrn the favour and give me something more than "3 or 4". I did ask what happened, he said "it just didn't work out", and he closed up. I dont want to go crazy on him, but I feel like I've had a few built up frustrations brewing. And I don't want to be a doormat, but I can be a complete people pleaser to the point where I won't even realise I'm miserable until its too late. I dont know what to do anymore. Also I'm going into my final year of law and I study abroad on the other side of the planet (6 hour flight), so I'll be away for the next year, up to my head in exams.... to come back to an engagement?.... I'm not sure how I feel about it He really wants a relgiious ceremony/engagement, and if i postpone it he gets really upset about it. I had planned to get a nose job this summer, which got cancelled due to COVID, so it will be happening a month before my graduation and soon after graduation (2-3 weeks) he wants an engagement. I feel like he was super clever in getting families involved so soon. Because it's frowned upon to date and both of our mothers would rather we get engaged/relgious ceremony out of the way and a massive circus wedding later on. I really despise my culture soemtimes, no, most of the time. And I was truly happy with all of it until the religion thing kept cropping up, do I cross my legs and supress my wants and needs for 8 more months? Also I'm flying out to university next week and this was supposed to be our long weekend together He caught a cold (no its not COVID, he got tested lol) because the gyms had opened up and he was going everyday sometimes twice a day I did make my concern clear that.... overdoing the gym you'll wear yourself out and get sick/catch COVID.. but he didn't listen. He did what he wanted to. and now our weekend is cancelled. No... you're right... it's not his fault he's sick or caught a cold, not entirely, but then he said "maybe everything happens for a reason and it's Gods way of keeping us apart" I mean seriously . I was on the brink of letting the cold thing go until he laced it with that ? GUYS WHAT THE FK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE I love him, I do, he's sweet and so caring and affectionate, really handsome (which doesn't mean anything really but its a plus because I always settled for nice guys who I was never attracted to, I have a lot of insecurity issues and that would be a whole other post) and we always had fun together but I don't know whats happening anymore Speaking on insecurities.... I never had sex because I was so insecure, but he was the first person I felt so comfortable with and trusted him I broke up with my ex because culture and religion got in the way and made a point not to fall into that trap again, but I really hope I'm wrong But i feel like every guy i get involved with starts of calm, chill, normal, and then wants to marry me and become some religious person and I dont get it I'm defnitely not giving off virgin Mary vibes anymore
  13. I found the You Tube Channel of a friend who I no longer have contact with on any level. I worked with her, We were good friends, I was toxic our friendship ended but we still worked together I got help left her alone (Unless something work related happened which was rarely) I don't know why maybe she saw me grow as a person and she told a mutual friend that she wanted to be friends with me again. I was both happy and scared. Happy that she saw me grow as a person but scared if we became friends again I would fall back again. I told the mutual friend that I have nothing but love for this person because by God putting her in my life I felt so blessed that I grew as a person, So anyway a few months later I got a transfer and I knew I was never going to see or hear from this person ever again (unless God has other plans) I thought about saying nothing but then I though no, This person was special to me and God blessed me by putting her in my life. So I gave her a little good bye ceremony. She had told me she wanted to be writer so I gave her a blank journal and wrote some inspirational things, I told her she was a blessing in her life. I gave her three ribbons two blue one pink, I said it was symbolic since I was not going to be around The pink was if she ever had a baby girl. The blue was for a baby blue and the last blue was if she ever got married and needed something blue. The final thing I gave her a pen which I had engraved with an acronym starting with her initials and the letters MJBYLYAKY GB which I told her was acronym for MAY JESUS BLESS YOU LOVE YOU AND KEEP YOU GOD BLESS. Saying goodbye like this made it so much easier to let go and I hope it did the same for her too, I am not saying I never think of her or I never miss her or that I never reflect back on my mistakes sometimes. But I just want her to be happy in her life, Anyway for some unknown reason I looked at her You Tube channel and I noticed she changed her profile pic (She had not posted in many years so I just assumed it was doormat) So an idea came into my head to wish her a happy birthday but how do I do this on a public forum and not embarass her (One of my toxic traits was that I did not respect social media boundaries to say the least. So how do I do this,My you tube channel does not have my name but she might be able to guess it was me For example I might wright something like For all those out there who like Michael Jackson and don't want to BEAT IT (The song) I would like to wish you all a very Happy birthday and for a special friend who because God put that person in my life I grew as a person May Your Silver (she turns 25) year and every year after bring you closer to your golden dreams. The end, My meaning is for it to be an eternal birthday wish,Kind of to let her know in a way that although our season in life is over, She is not forgotten. BUT I am torn about whether this is a good idea or not. Part of me says It is a great idea and might make her birthday a little bit special. and ANOTHER part of me says Leave it alone. The way you said goodbye was more than enough Thank You all in advance for taking the time and any opinions that will help me decide one way or the other,\
  14. Me and my girlfriend broke up a few months ago when all this covid stuff jumped off. Everything was great Before and we were both happy and shared all kinds of new feelings we both had from each other and shared lots of experiences that we didn’t have in past relationships. But we both had a tendency to get in our Own heads From time to time and being in quarantine away from eachother wasn’t helping. On top of that she would worry about her bi sexuality being an issue and it was on her mind around that time as well. She was attracted to girls but as far as guys go she would tell me I was the only guy she wanted. I would reassure her I was fine with her being attracted to girls and long story short would even tell her during talks if she wanted to go explore that side of her then she could But she told me she wanted to be with only me and she was happy. Then Next day after a talk about it we got into a bit of an argument over some stuff we were in our heads about and I’ll admit I did start it but I didn’t think it would go down like it did. She then said maybe we need to rethink our relationship and I was legitimately shocked. However the day went on and we were ok kind of. The next couple days she was short with me still and and then on the third day she tells me she’s not sure what she wants anymore, the relationship still means something to her but that we should go back to being just friends and we both agreed. She told me we could still talk of course and everything would be normal but it wasn’t and she would send me stuff on social media off and on for a bit and then stopped and then two weeks went by and I heard nothing. Suddenly I get a drunk text at 2 in the morning that she’s in town near my house and as I ask why she just says never mind and leaves me on read. While all this is going on I still have her xbox which I told her 4 times between now and then that she could get it or I could drop it off whenever but she either ignores it or talks about something else so I just gave up. Then I notice she starts taking to this girl on social media, that she brought up to me before, and she is acting a bit different as well on everything like posting more and all that. Eventually they got together and she starts talking about how happy she is now. I am happy for her, really, but it does sting a bit and that’s natural right? A bit more time goes by and nothing. All of a sudden she texts me asking about my order from a food place and what I got. However she should know because she would tease me about getting it every time but i tell her and I think that’s that....but then she asks me if there are certain sizes....ITS A BURRITO THEYRE ALL ONE SIZE...but I tell her anyway and that’s that. Fast forward to now... She texts me a week ago and tells me she notices I’m not on social media and I haven’t been either for many personal reasons. Then she goes on and tells me her heads in a better place and asks if I want to be friends again because she misses me as a person. So I agree and tell her I miss her too and she tells me we should hang out and catch up. I agree but all I really think it is is so she can get her Xbox and that’s it or am I thinking too “harshly”? It’s the reality of it I think. But I tell her I’m down for it and let her know to let me know when SHE wants to. I haven’t heard from her yet. And yes right now she’s still with that same girl. She still follows all of my friends AND family and vice versa on social media. My brother tells me that my ex posted a really personal story on snapchat saying she feels depressed, lonely, lost and all these other negative things. She used to post things like that venting in public because she doesn’t have many people in her life she can trust but once I came into the picture I would always be there to help calm her down and make her feel better and she hasn’t posted any of that kind of stuff for a while and especially never when we were together. But shouldn’t her girlfriend be making her feel good to where she’s not posting that kind of depressed stuff? And she’s been posting like everything is great for her so where did that come from? I did text her but didn’t bring up the story. I just made it casual and we talked for a bit and that was that. (This was a couple days ago) So my questions are (please answer in this format if possible)) 1.is the relationship shes in now a “rebound relationship” and is she really as happy as she claims on posts? 2. Does she really miss me or think about me? If she really wanted to hang she would have given me a day to right? 3. Why does she text me at random hours or when she’s drunk? (Mind you I’m Not too quick to reply either) 4.is there a chance, in similar experiences, that she may still like me and still thinks about our relationship? Why is she texting me while seeing someone? Thank you for your time Also yeah I get it, it’s a long post but please don’t comment “yOu NeEd To MaKE iT siMpLe” that’s just a waste of time. Come on. I Understand but at the same time I don’t want to miss details I think may be important. I just want help or insight from other people who may have experienced the same thing also
  15. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now ,I’m just so unsure if I want to spend the rest of my life with her, how do you know if you are going to be happy together for ever . We have arguments and that’s normal . We have good times too . I think she is a jealous person and I she needs to know everything I do who I speak to , she often checks my phone to see who I’ve been speaking to texting . Then it was my mom birthday I bought her a voucher for £30 for a takeaway. When I told my girlfriend the cost she went mental and told me my mom wasn’t worth that amount . I stupidly agree with her to keep her happy , and changed it to £10 and another small gift . When my mom got the present she knew something was wrong I wouldn’t get her a £10 voucher, and asked me what it was about . I told her that my girlfriend thought she wasn’t worth £30 , obviously she wasn’t happy . Now my girlfriend isn’t happy too as she knows I told her about the present too . There have been other things too that I’ve been unhappy about with my girlfriend but I just agree to keep her happy , but I’m I going to be happy if I can’t stand up to her
  16. Things have been more tense than ever lately. It was never really a problem before a few months ago, but with the arrival of covid-19, me losing my job, changes at his that make him hate it, and me having a lot more free time.. is causing a lot of friction in our relationship. My question is for those of you who have a significant other that is a neat or clean freak. Or maybe you are the one. How do you deal? He is really going through it mentally lately, and the smallest things will get on his nerves. Me not breaking down the cardboard boxes for recycling. Me stepping over dirty clothes at the bottom of the basement stairs. Me not putting away the dishes after I've cleaned them. I wish I could change these traits. When we talk about it and it's on my mind, I'm really good at being mindful of those small things, but when I'm not thinking.. I can't seem to change my ways. Any advice on how to change habits? Is it possible for us to be happy together or is tidyness going to be our demise?
  17. Hi all, Me and my girlfriend of 3 years have bought a house and are moving in together. We have never lived together before and im now realising we have completely different tastes. She wants absolutely everything in the house to be matching. From the plates, lamps, curtains, door knobs, etc all have to be completely matching/same color. I have a large blue picture which I want to bring into our house and she says it wont match anything because there is no blue in the house. So she doesn't really want it in the house, unless its somewhere where no one can really see it. My mom bought be a red mug which my girlfriend says wont match anything so she doesnt think it should come with us to the house (the other mugs/plates etc all have decor/furniture and everything she likes is different to what i like. We were given a really nice coffee machine as a moving in gift which i love, but nope we cant use it, apparently it doesn't match the kitchen! It makes me think im not going to be very happy living with her, but i dont know maybe im being dramatic. I was wondering if anyone else have been in similar situations and have any advice? thankyou
  18. Happy Canada Day fellow Canucks!! 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
  19. Hello everyone, I post already about this but the situation has changed. So basically I saw my ex of 2 years ago the other day and he waited 30 days to reach out to me again to plan a "secon date/meeting" (was it supposed to be a non-contact period that I wasn't aware of?) Second meeting (Ill call it like that since it is not defined if it's a date or not) We went in a park an drink a little bit. We discuss (not a lot of stuff about the relationship) and out of the blue he says he is happy that he can share moment like this with me. That I am the only ex he can do that with and he is not sure why? He also told me that he was sure I hated him and that he use to fear contacting me because according to him, he did make me suffer in the relationship.(In my head I am like so you want a friendship?) We continue the "date/meeting" we talk a lot and there is moment when I turn my face and I see that he was already staring at me and smiling. When asked why he is looking at me like that he says nothing I am just happy to see you, I missed you and we see each other so rarely. (In my head I am like we broke up, do you want a friendship or more???) They were also moments where we would stare at eachothers withoit talking and smiling and other moment when he couldn't stop saying I am a smart and beautiful woman, blablabla. We then go to my place. NOTHING HAPPENED and It’s perfect like that (just how I wanted it). We stayed together for 6 hours in total and we talked a lot (a tiny bit about the relationship but nothing major. Thing like I have memory,etc.) Before leaving my place, he told me that I can also text him and that he would like us to exchange news and he also mention twice that he is the who broke the ice twice to set up the "date/meeting" and that I can do it too. He insisted on that. He wants me to plan the next "meeting/date". (In my head I am like maybe he wants more) When he got home he texted me he had a blast. 2 days later he text me out of the blue to be careful if I go to the BLM protest in Canada. So do y’all think he wants to get back with me on me on just want to be friend? I do not want to ask him since I don't want to make it a weird thing. I do want him back but to afraid to tell him and since he is not clearly saying I want you back I am confused. I also have a lot of pride and I think if he wants me back he should be telling me and if not stop leading me on. If you need more details I will be glad to give it to y'all. The previous post has further details.
  20. Hi all this is my very first post having just signed up, I felt the need to find a nice friendly forum where I hope to get things off my chest and receive some nice friendly advice as I dont have many people in my life. Here goes..... I was with my ex girlfriend for 12 years and we broke up 6 months ago.. It was my decision to end the relationship the reasons for doing it were because I felt we had become more friends than partners.. My partner was 17 years older than me when we met I was 21 and she was 37. We had many great years together but towards the last couple of years I started to feel that the age difference was becoming a problem as I looked at others my age getting married, having children, buying houses together and so on, which in turn made me think as I couldn't have these things with my ex girlfriend due to life circumstances etc. My mental health isn't great but I'm not suicidal.I feel it's the circumstances in which I'm speaking has made me a little unhappy in my head. I have been to councillors and had chats ect and I'm on a small dose of antidepressants. So fast forward 6 months I have found a new girl I have been with for 6 weeks, she is my age with the same goals and needs in life. We get on really well and she spoils me rotten! But here's the crazy problem I keep feeling like I miss my ex (absolutely crazy!) I get a huge amount of guilt how I have hurt her and that she didn't do anything to deserve it. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me showing me some good times in my mind but not the times where I felt so lonely and unhappy. I feel silly for having to come here for help but as I'm 33 years old maybe I just need guidance as I haven't been through anything like this before? Just wish my mind would agree with me that it was the right thing to do and I have now been given the opportunity for new beginnings with a lovely girl! Thank you for taking the time to read this and any advice big or small is greatly received. Stay safe guys
  21. So I met this new guy and he lives kinda far from me. He has visited and everything was great. But i acted on my fight or flight response when hed take a while to message back. To make it worse bc i consulted friends for there comfort they messaged him trying to help Behind my back and told me after. After a day of silence he said yeah we cant talk anymore. But then a few days after that wished me a happy birthday I said thank you and and made a joke about it it's the following day. No response. No happy birthday the next day. Is there a way to fix this why would u bother saying happy birthday after u said u couldnt talk anymore? I really would like to be able to talk again. And realize what I did wrong here.
  22. I have the best relationship with my boyfriend and I’ve never been happier in a relationship than I am now. We spend almost every day together and love each other’s company. I have seriously never been happier. But sometimes he goes out with his friends and I’m left at home by myself, which is fine! I’m not one of those girlfriends that doesn’t let her boyfriend go out! I love that he has friends and goes out and has fun, but it makes me feel lonely because I don’t have any friends and I don’t have anyone to talk to or anywhere to go when he’s not around. I used to have quite a few friends but I’ve slowly been pulling myself away because I’ve realised that they’re not the best friends. So now I’m feeling incredibly lonely. I spent my birthday crying to my boyfriend because I had no friends to celebrate my 20th birthday with. And I feel bad for burdening him with my problems. Most of the time I’m fine with not having friends but as time goes by it gets to me more and more and I’m scared that I’m the future im going to end up depressed because of it. I have a bit of a past with mental health so I’m scared I’m going to fall into that again. I guess I’m just after some reassurance. Is it normal to not have any friends but still have an amazing relationship?
  23. Hello everyone. I'm a 26 year old male. I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, and really it doesn't make sense to me either. But I know I absolutely need help. Basically, for my entire life, I have been searching for the right woman, to have a long-term relationship with. I always felt that real love and a happy/healthy relationship was the one missing piece in my life that would make me feel completely happy with myself. I've had relationships with 8 different women before, most of them were happy relationships, but not very long-term, as they all failed to last about 7 months or so. I decided after my most recent relationship, which ended well over a month ago now, to finally take some time and focus on myself. I deleted all of my online dating apps, all social media (except twitter which I use for news) The problem is, I literally never did this willingly before. Pretty much, since middle school, all I did was either try and find that relationship, the one that lasts for what I hoped to be an eternity, or be in a relationship that I thought had potential. There were times where I probably was desperate, honestly. Whether it was in school, online dating apps, wherever, I would always hope to try to find that one person that I would make a connection with and hopefully begin to build a long-term relationship with. I thought that a happy and healthy relationship was the key to real happiness for myself. When I was in a relationship, I felt completely fine and happy, no worries at all. Heck, even when I was just talking to a new female, or even just looking on an online dating app or something, I was always feeling completely fine, none of these issues (that I will describe below) at all, because I knew what I was looking for, I had a goal in mind and I was going to do whatever it took to reach that goal, no matter how long it took, of finding that right woman for myself, and finally truly be happy. Now, like I said, I decided I was going to take time to focus on myself for awhile, and wow, let me tell you, it's not going well at all. Couldn't be worse, honestly. I've learned that I'm simply not okay when I'm willingly alone. It's been just over a month of not talking to pretty much anyone outside of a close group of 3 friends, and my parents. I'm experiencing crazy anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, I feel violated (I don't know why) confused, insecure, I'm questioning literally everything (including my own sexuality which I know I'm 100% straight, and I'm sure of it, but I still question the possibility of what if I wasn't, even though I know I'm definitely straight. It's like H-OCD, but I can somewhat stop those thoughts temporarily when I know they are coming) I find myself extremely bored out of my mind during this stay-at-home initiative here we have in New Jersey with the Coronavirus going around, I find myself not feeling worthy to even think someone would want to date me at this state I'm in, and especially at a time like this where we can't even go anywhere or do anything, I feel like I'm really just losing my mind. I'm somewhat able to control the intrusive thoughts, well when they start to come I'm aware they are just thoughts and I let them be, I don't fight them, but they never truly go away, they only go to the back of my mind and eventually come back to focus, and it's like a repeating cycle. (To keep the thoughts away I treat it like a food I don't like, I say like I dont like _ and it goes away temporarily. I also dont put meaning on the thoughts because they are just thoughts and don't mean anything to me) I know I want a relationship with a woman, that leads to engagement, a wife, and kids, a family, I know for a fact that's what I want in life, more than anything in the world. I want it too much, honestly, and I'm scared that because I'm not looking and the state I'm in right now, I won't be able to find it. I'm currently seeing a therapist, but she hasn't been much help yet, though it's only been two appointments though, I'm still holding out hope People close to me would always tell me, "you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and when it was said this way, that never made sense, until now. Recently, I read something online that is basically exactly what was said here, but in a different way. Basically, it said "love doesn't fill a void in yourself, you have to find something else that fills that void and be completely happy with yourself to love someone." That's when something clicked. It made me feel better inside, knowing this is the right mindset for the long-term, but in the short term, it made me feel worse, because for literally my entire life I thought that real love was the one missing piece to be happy. If it's not love that's my one missing piece, then what could it possibly be? The other night, I came up with possible solutions, and I basically narrowed it down to my dream job, which is a technical director in tv production. I absolutely loved doing this when I was back in college, it was my favorite thing to do, I did it as often as I could. It's been 3 years since then, and It's an extremely hard job to land. And if I don't get that job, I'm happy with what I have, but its not very fulfilling, super slow paced. I'm happy to have multiple jobs in my field for sure, but not the most ideal job that I wanted. I guess I'm just writing to you all to find out why do I feel violated in a situation like this, why can't I just accept being alone, and be happy with myself? why I fear being alone in general? is there a way to permanently keep these intrusive thoughts away, instead of only temporarily? I didn't always feel this way, and I know this won't last, so I know there's a way out of this, I just don't know how to get back there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy, irrational person here (I know I do) but I'm just trying to figure this all out, because I'm just lost.. Thank you!
  24. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
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