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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. Tears fall Eyes raised to the heavens. a thin, strangled voice utters "why" a heartwrenching sob, a muttering of prayers, darkness falls. the darkness of night the eternal dark of the night. fears abound, tears at the soul, weakness springs eternal. the eternity of night, night that never ends, eternal darkness why? A ray of light shines down slowly, soft, warm light that does not blight. Falls on thy face, covered with thy tears, a voice utters forth, I be with you always, trust in me, for I shall be your light.
  2. I went out with 35 year old woman... It was the longest and greatest date I've ever had.. We spent over 2 hours together, she is very hot and there was a lot of flirting... I could feel that both of us wanted sex -- I wasn't carrying any condoms so yeah... It didn't happen... yet (In fact I don't even know if I'm ever going to see this woman again.) However she told me she showed me to her 15-year old daughter... and... the daughter of course wants to meet me. She kept mentioning the daughter by name several times during the conversation... Of course there's the possibility she only wants me to know her family... But I am having trouble figuring out if she wants me for me or just a "surrogate father" for the daughter. Believe it or not, she even started talking about future plans and mentioning me as her possible husband lol. Anyway, I believe this was just another one on my string of first dates that lead nowhere. But the longest and best nonetheless... Oh yeah she says she wants another child LMFAO...
  3. First off I would like to thank everyone here. This forum has been more helpful than anywhere else on the internet. I used to have a very low self-esteem and used to think girls would never like me. In the past they used to give me these dirty rejection looks... sometimes even disgusted stares. This slowly changed this year as I started to get more and more dates sporadically... with young, attractive women... But so far only through dating apps. This meant that my appearance wasn't the issue. It must've been something else. These women wouldn't even want to text me if I was actually ugly. But the hurt of being mostly rejected by them through the years took a heavy toll on my self-confidence and security. So, even though now I know I am actually attractive and that if I tried to actually approach girls in "the field" more often I would -- indeed -- be able to get some numbers and dates... There's still this lingering, hampering fear of hearing a "no". It's a heavy blow to my ego still. But then I also know that's how the dating game works, I know I will be rejected many many times before hitting it off, but it will happen. I just have to put myself out there and keep trying. How can I get rid of this paralyzing fear 😞 ???
  4. ok. at the moment. i am overwhelmed with so many different feelings that i want to just run. run until my legs give out. if any of you have read my past postings, you would know that i am meeting my biological mother in whom i have not heard from since i was 5. (adopted) so its been really hard preparing myself for this situation. im afraid that when i see/talk to her that memories will come flooding back to me. i don't know how to react or how not to react. im actually thinking of "leaving" on that day. which is a very negative thought because i have been trying to face my problems, and not run away from them. so... already. ive got pressure. i can't talk about it with my parents because they don't know she is coming. and i don't know what they will do. so yes, its hard. but we all know life isn't easy. last night was the hardest night. i haven't cried like that in a long time. a very long time. i also have testing going on right now. every morning for 3 hours for the next 4 days. so there is pressure. i have to pass in order to graduate. no problem, but yes... im stressing over that too. and lastly... today's issue. i almost burst into tears in my biology class when i found out. i held everything back, all i wanted to do was run out of there and just curl up in a ball because it just keeps getting worse. i found out that one of my good friends is in the hospital because she slit her wrists last night. i don't know how bad it is. she doesn't even know i know. and im afraid. im so afraid. i don't know what to do anymore. she hasn't done anything like this that i know of since last year. as far as i knew, we were both doing better, for the first time in awhile. i know that yesterday she was upset over her ex. i tried to be there for her but she said she didn't want to talk about it because she would freak out again. i know this sounds selfish towards her feelings but this is not what i need right now. This makes me feel like i am not being a good enough friend, it makes me feel lower than low. its all so overwhelming. she has done this before, but not near hospitilization. and she knows that i will freak out. i am freaking out. so im meeting my mother, i have a billion tests to take and my friend wants to die. i don't know how to deal with all of this. she has been so good to me lately. listening to my problems. and i have tried to be there for her, and we do talk about her stuff, its just that i usually have to drag it out of her and i don't want to feel like im pulling teeth. this sux. im getting a headache thinking of all of this again.
  5. Dont try to get close to me,Dont ever let me go. Dont hold on to my side,Dont let me fall so low. Dont pretend you are here,But please go away. Dont pretend to love me,Then hate me the next day. Dont yell at me when you are mad,Dont pick up the phone. Dont ever call me again,But you know that I am home. Dont confuse my mind,Let me see clear. Dont have sex with me,When love is what you fear. Dont come over today,Come over tomorrow. So I can see you,Then dwell on the sorrow. Dont pretend you are staying,Or even leaving. I am hurt,Cant you see why im grieving.
  6. I've been having PVCs for over 2 months now and I'll only be 17 on march 13th which worries me. MY heart pauses for a second and then *THUMP*!!!! I'm just wondering if anyone else on this site has these SCARY palpitations. Im just very scared and do not like feeling alone on this. I've read they are not usually dangerous but it's still scary.
  7. There's this one girl that I really like and she likes me. But every time I'm about to ask her out I think of my past two girlfriends. Both of them completely crushed me and I really don't want to go through that again. Then on top of that, the girl I like most likely doesn't want to be in a relationsip like that with me because I'm not very open. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you all a whole lot, this is my fist time ever asking for advise and I mean that truthfully.
  8. We've been pretty good friends for a while, and ever since october or so we've started to get really really close. Like close to best friends. I thought I may have envisioned it going further so I asked her what she thought and she said she felt that way too and thought that in a while she'd want to be with me. So I waited and was patient. About two weeks later we started talking about it again and what she said was really weird. She said that she realized that she was wrong and that she could never go out with me because her good friend was my ex gf. Also, she said she just doesnt like me in that way. But see in those 2 weeks, things just got even better. It was better than it ever was before and I'm sure she felt that way too. So i got kind of upset for a little bit, but I didn't go off on her or anything. Then about two weeks ago her and this kid started going out. Now he's kind of my friend I guess, but he rarely talks. I would say he's good looking, and he's sort of like this cult hero lol, like everyone says he's so cool as a half joke (he actually is cool though). I was really upset when she told me. She told me before that she wasn't sure if he liked her for the right reasons so she wasn't sure if she wanted to go out with him. She told me that if I didn't want her to then she wouldn't for me, but even though I didn't, I said that I was ok with it because it would make her happy. Since then things have been horrible. I've basically ignored her and haven't made any attempt to talk to her. But, for some reason today I gave her an amazing bday present that she really loved. I almost didn;t want to give it to her for some reason. So 2 weeks ago she said she'd ask me if I wanted her to break up with him and if I did then she would. She's going to ask me soon and I don't know what to say. I don't even understand what is really wrong with our friendship. If I say no, I don't want you to break up, then I'm afraid our friendship will keep being horrible and I won't be able to talk to her. But, if I say yes I do, then I'm afraid she would hold it against me and I would take away someone that really makes her happy from her. She's said I mean so much to her, more than her bf, and she would do anything for me if it meant keeping our friendship... It is a predicament nonetheless..
  9. So they say that when you make eye contact with a girl, you should not break it before she does to show that you're not afraid. But I always find myself in what feels like a staring contest. And I always lose. I realized that I never blink and I'm wondering if blinking constitutes breaking eye contact. I think I could win the staring contest if I'm allowed to blink. I know how silly this all sounds. But I'm 26 and just came out of a 6 year relationship. So I've never really been in the game before. I just keep trying not to break eye contact and these women just don't stop staring into me until I smile or look away. It gets very awkward. I mean - it's lasted over 10 seconds sometimes. When they do this, should I just say Hi right away and start talking to them? I feel like such a dork right now.
  10. Sorry this is sorta long... My brother is 21 years old. He hasn't graduated... he's been into drugs since he was about 16... and he's basically messed up a good portion of his life. He hasn't lived at home for about the past... year and a half maybe .... because him and my mom dont get along... ever since he's been about 17 he's been in and out of our house. He can't keep a steady job.. and is basically bumming off whatever he can get. But as of the end of next month he wont have a place to live so he wants to move home.. that's fine... both me and my dad have clearly stated to him and my mom that if things are going to go back to the way they were than we can't have him here.... him and my mom faught constantly.. like yelling screaming.. the whole 9 yards. My house wasn't a very happy place. It's been alright with just me and my parents... we get along for the most part... and my brother comes home every sunday to do laundry and have a decent meal. So fine he wants to move home.. not a big deal.... tonight... our phone rings.. it's him... he had 6 warrants out for his arrest .... adn one of his ex-employers was a cop and ran a background check on him.. and when he went to pick up his t-4 slip.. he got arrested. One of them is for assult.. and i don't know what else.... he's 21 (i'm in sask canada) so there's a good chance he could end up with jail time.... He's my brother.. i love him to death.. but i sure don't like him very much.... My parents don't know what to do.. there isn't much tehy can do.... the other day he told me that ... it's a good thing that i've watched him screw up his whole life because then i don't have to make stupid mistakes.. i've learned from him.. which i have.... but like.. what do i say to that? I guess my problem.. if you want to call it that.... is ... i'm scared for him..... i always am..... i worry about him....and there's absolutely nothing i can do.... he's been arrested before... when he was 17..he got off with some community serivce and 2 years probation.... so he was lucky... he was a minor.... that's been wiped from his criminal record.. but now there'sa chance that's all gonna come back to bite him in the ass..... I'm scared for him.. that he's gonna end up with jail time... or something's gonna happen to him..... i've always been scared that he might do something drastic... something.. like...suicide.... i do'nt think he would.. but that's always something that has terrified the hell outta me.. i know he gets depressed.... and i knwo he doesn't handle it very well.... If anyone can offer me... anything.... advice...some comfort.. anything.. it would be appreciated.... if you have any questions.. i'll answer them as well.... Thanks for anything
  11. okay... for those of you that have read my previous post, you know whats going on... a few days ago, she said she's falling in love with me... i dont know whether to believe her or not, i trust her, but idk now... i love her, alot... but im just confused on what she wants... first she's to busy, then we get together for the night we spent together, then she's to busy, then she's falling in love with me... and guess what, now she's too busy... and the way she talks to me, idk if its because of stress, or what... but t seems like she's just pissed off at the world... the tone she uses at least... please help, i dont want to mess up again, she could be the one, but i think she's afraid to find out or something... i am sorry i am not very good with words, but yeah... its... bringing me to my knees, i just dont know what to do or say to her anymore. and we havent seen or talked to eachother much lately... is there a mixed signal de-coder ring? please help, if she's the one for me, i cant let her slip through my fingers like my other family members have done in previous relationships... help.
  12. Okay, well I am afraid some of you here will think Im a total nerd for being afraid of this, but I can't really help it, Ive always had it and don't know why... Okay...I have an EXTREME phobia of deep water, okay not even deep, just being in a normal sized swimming pool by myself gets me all freaked out. I can't go under or swim, or float on it, or nothing if im the only one in the pool. Im not afraid to the point where i can't bathe and stuff, It's just rivers, swimming pools, lakes, and expecailly oceans. Why is this, and how do i fix it? No one knows this but me, Um but I have always heard people say if you are afraid of something to face it, but my phobia is so so SO, out of it that I really don't think i can. It's not that i can't swim, i used to be on the swimming team, but it was different cause others where in there too. and i am also having big problems with my ocd and can't seem to get away from it. Im not like a phyco teen, Im just odd. can anyone help? thanx, love Qtpie87
  13. I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...
  14. i me this person and he loves me so much. the thing is im sure im falling in love with him, we have only been together 9 mnths but i have to leave to study abroad for 8mnths and i feel like im scared to hurt him or him hurt me but do i love him but if im willing to still go overseas and not give up my dreams of living my life before getting involved again does it mean im not in love with him? just cos im not willing to not go abroad because im not ready to!!!! but is that normal???can i be in love and just not be ready ...can yo be in love with someone and not follow it hrough just because the timimng isnt right ?????
  15. Right, nice and short, no details except basically she knows I like her alot, shes told me she likes me a hell of alot but said mates is how we shud be... Now, I have fallen head over heals for her, I think about her 24/7, dream about her every night, infact i'm obcessed by her (she doesnt know that tho and I wont let that show, no one wants that lol) Im having a real bad time at the mo, depressed about everything, including wanting to be with her but not being with her. The only time Im actually happy is when Im with her. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how she is everything I want and more, how she is everything I could ever wish for in a person, how Im falling madly in love with her BUT if I do that I will probably 1) scare her off completely and 2) get very hurt. So I dont have the guts to say it to her. But I have to cus it is getting me down. So, any idea how I could tell her that, how I could get talking to her about it? I can easily talk about it on MSN but I want to avoid that cus that cant show how I truly feel, I need to do it in person but how? Where? What to say?
  16. Here's the shortest way I can describe my situation. I dated a guy for 2 and a half years, a time that included 3 or 4 major break-ups. The last one was huge, and it was promised by him to be the last. That was back in June. Then in December, after months of no contact and what seemed like absolutely no chance of rekindling the relationship, he called me on my birthday and we started talking on the phone again. We proceeded to hang out on new years eve as well as new years day (the first time seeing each other in 6 months) and now it has gotten to the point where we hang out every weekend he is home from college and we act like a couple..cuddling, kissing very passionately, joking just like old times. THe only problem is that we haven't discussed where we stand relationship wise, and i just want to make sure we are both on the same level. I am more than excited at how things are going because I have wanted to get back together since the day that he left me, but at the same time I don't know how to bring up the subject of "getting back together" or our "relationship" without him feeling pressured or scaring him off. I am really happy with the way things are but I don't want to just be a friend with benefits to him but I don't want to mess things up either. Does anyone have any good advice as to what would be a good way to approach the topic in a way that won't scare him but will let it be known that I am not okay with just hooking up and that I want to move towards starting a relationship again? THanks in advance for your time. .. BTW...The reason I need help with this is because he asked me to come visit him at school this weekend which I know will lead to things happen physically between us. I don't want to leave not knowing where we stand because I feel like that is very violating to myself if we hook up but aren't together. It's weird because this weekend just happens to be what would of been our 3 year anniversary...
  17. Who am i, thats what i ask, i used to know, but ive lost that clarity now im surrounded by all these clouds and i cant see a clearing no one else understands, i try to explain, but i cant get it out i have to joke it off blame it all on my ditzy little world thats what im living in wandering the streets, all alone, and everything is crazy, i am searching, for the answers to a thousand questions, and a million more what happened to the girl that knew everything where is she now she used to feel, she used to care, she used to have some sense but she went away and hasnt come back i cant see, i cant hear, ive lost my voice, surrounded by fear struggling to break through next an exit, all is black, where did the light go walking down this corridor, a thousand doors, a million more some are locked, some are boarded some are bare, some are empty with despair, some are themed some are stylish, they're not mine i regress my past, nothing there connected to whats screaming at mi, it seems so obvious but i just cant understand i need some guidance is it there im reaching out my hand... Why do i feel like putting "to be continued" at the end of this? any thoughts, anyone?
  18. this is it you see. it is killing me . love i fear has been lost to me. as i feel the beat of my haret. like a grain of wheat. i have been reaped. spare me not your pitty. for tommrow will be sh-ty. when i wake. no longer to see your fase . i fear my haret may brack. no longer to here such a sweet reply. i fear i have ran out of time. o sweet bell of mine . maybe if we were the same maybe we wouldn't play this game's maybe i push to hard maybe you are just out of my reach. whow i fear the nigth but not as much as the morring ligth . to awaken not bye your side o sweet bell of mine. is there nothing i can say to sway your way. befor you leave . never to come back any more . low i feel as i roll on the floor . praying that you will not leave. so i am left alone. all thow i shed no tears . i feel the cold bitter nigth air. come apone me . how bitter sweet it is . for just another love lost. this is just a poem that i wrote by harcore
  19. Let me provide a quick summary: Dated a girl 6+ years, she grew impatient with no ring, I began to neglect her feelings, we grew apart, she asked for some space about 2 months ago. After she took the space, I realized what I had after it was gone...I tried to win her back, but my actions only made her mad. ("Why did I have to break up with you to get what I wanted?" etc.) After 2 months of agony, she began to let me express my feelings for her. I have written her a love poem each day for the past two weeks, we have gone out and seen alot of each other lately (At least compared to the 2 month separation). She still says she loves me, but it seems the tables have turned. All the emotions she had in the past when I neglected her, I have them now. It seems I can't see enough of her, it seems like I'm always the one asking to do stuff, and she is always the one rejecting me "We were together for the past 24 hours". It seems she is interested in me, but not to the extent I am interested in her. I'm ready for marriage now, whereas she was in the past. I'm ready for everything...it seems she is neglecting me now. So, given she just recently allowed me to express myself to her, and the fact we have started going out some, is it too soon to be telling her that I feel like I'm a job to her? I feel her interest in me, but I feel like an obligation to her, like everything is forced, like she only tries when I cry to her or tell her how upset she has made me. Given the circumstances, should I try to suck it up and have fun with her? It seems I am more dependent on her than she on me, and I am getting scared to death anymore to ask her anything b/c I'm afraid of her rejecting me, it seems that is all she does anymore. I want to marry her, and have considered just asking her, I mean there is a chance she would say yes, I am just having a horrible time b/c I love her so much, she loves me, but it just doesn't show. What do I do?
  20. I don't know if I am just being paranoid and completely overanalizing the situation or if I have a legitimate reason to be scared, so bear with me here. My boyfriend and I were fooling around and I was just coming off of my period (I had been visiting him for the week and had had it for several days prior, was in the final stages where there is still some light, very dark residue). I am a virgin and I don't want to have sex until I get married, but we were basically at the point where all clothing had been removed. He was never inside me, I pulled away and all activity between us ceased as soon as his tip touched me. I wiped away anything that would have been down there immediately after that, and although I don't remembber him having precum at that point, I can't be sure. So basically we never had intercourse, he was never inside me, but what I'm worried about is the precum, if there was any. Should I be? Please help me out here, this has been bothering me a lot the past week and a half and I don't know what to think anymore.
  21. Me and my (first ever) boyfriend have been going out for over 3 months now. All his friends are saying that he wants to kiss me...yet....I'm still waiting . HE"S even mentioned it before! And yet...no kiss! At first, I mean, the first time I heard about this, that he wanted to kiss me, I was so scared, I almost thought about breaking up! But now.....I think I'd like to kiss! And he's had all these opprotunities to kiss me, (movies, his house...etc.) and yet, still, no kiss! Infact, after reading all these "first kiss" stories, and how romantic it is....I REALLY want to kiss! I've heard of people kissing after a couple days, or a week, but we've been going out for 3 months!!!! Doesn't this seem a little strange to you??? Katie
  22. In time I have come to realize that it's hard to live like this, Wishing you had things that are not around things you really miss. It's hard to love another when they dont show the same love to you, With all of your heart and soul you try to make things work to. It's hard to love someone who seems to always be mad, Someone that says they love you but leaves you alone and sad. In time I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, That all the love I gave to you it's your problem you could not see. All of the things I have been through that have got me where I am today, You learn to not believe everyone and believe the words they say. I have thought about you day and night about how much I love you so, But when it really comes down to this it's not my problem you dont know. All this time I have wanted you back and showed to you that I cared, All the times I felt this way really I was alone and scared. Do you think about what you did have you even opened your eyes to see, That this beautiful girl in front of you was giving you everything it could be. You may regret this and may not even have cared about the end, But all I need to do is heal my broken heart and let it mend. by me tell me what you think?
  23. Many of you have read my previous post about me and my GF's recent scare. 2 days ago she took a pregnancy test and it was negative. She still hasnt had her period though. She was supposed to get it on the 12th. Today is now 7 days late. Why could her period be late??
  24. Here's a poem I wrote today...I like to keep it simple! Blossom A precious heart so pure I'd wipe away all your tears I'd calm all your fears I wish it'd last forever When I look into your eyes I know you'll be true Why do you have to leave me so soon? As I reach out for your hand You suddenly turn away Give me a chance I'll show you that I care I'll always be there We can grow together I'm willing to do whatever Let's be forever No second thoughts Take your time Make up your mind Just give me a sign I'll be right by your side As time passes You begin to realize The love that we share Can't be compared
  25. ok bottom line school is starting tomorro, unneeded stress im afraid ill go back into cutting what should i do -stitches aka The Antihero
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