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About Me

  1. Background In 2019 I ended two relationships. Jane and Kathy, whom I wrote about on this forum... With Jane, essentially my heart wanted to love her and be with her, but my logical head told me that it would not work. With Kathy, my head told that me she was perfect (or as good as I'll get), but my heart refused to settle for a transactional relationship. Lily Last Friday, I went on a "pseudo-date" with a girl (let’s call her Lily) that both my head and heart are excited about... And now I'm really scared of screwing it up. I thought this horrible nervousness was a thing of the past! I've not felt this way about anyone since 2012. Ugh.. In short, Lily’s values align with mine much more closely than Kathy ever did, she seems to have a much more compatible personality and she is just as beautiful, if not more. I thought it was impossible to meet somebody who embodied the best parts of both Jane and Kathy, and ticks all the boxes, but potentially, Lily does just that. Yikes. How we met I met her at a friend’s birthday party (she is one of his flatmates) two Fridays ago. We got talking about some events near me and she expressed an interest in coming to the Friday night and Sunday afternoon ones. (I planned to go to the Friday night one only). Of course I was delighted. We ended up having dinner before the event (a networking thing) last Friday night and then going for drinks at a beer bar afterwards. We had a great time, and afterwards she said, “it’s been a long time since I relaxed and enjoyed myself like that”. I probably got a bit eager at that point and said that we should grab dinner and see a movie after she finishes the Sunday afternoon event (a language class that I do not go to). She said she already had plans with a friend, but could maybe cancel to meet me instead. The day after however, she asked to rearrange Sunday evening for the next Friday evening (so, this Friday, as of now) instead. Of course, I agreed... So what's the problem? Tell me to calm down As I said, I've not been so excited about meeting somebody since 2012... and although I think I did alright last Friday, now that we are more edging towards more obvious dating territory, I feel that my nerves are starting to cause me to make bad decisions, like being too eager about the "second date" (I know the first date was not technically a date) and maybe scaring her off. Getting closer with Kathy was surprisingly easy (is that a sign that I was not so thrilled with her even from the start?) But Lily is even more out of my league, (she is just as pretty and actually richer than me... lol) so feeling quite insecure and inadequate, and hesitating about every message, every decision now... For example, I wanted to see a movie with her, but if it's a Friday night, we got less time than a weekend day. So, if I had to pick between a movie or dinner, I'd pick dinner (more time to talk)... but she mentioned a movie in her last message, so I am hesitating about whether I should suggest dinner on Friday and a movie on Sunday instead... or is that too eager again? Or just go watch a movie on Friday night as a safe option? You see what I mean? I don't remember worrying over small details like this with Jane or Kathy, what is wrong with me?! Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...
  2. So, I had a zoom conference with some old friends. I have moved out of the country and only get to see them every so often. I was a bit apprehensive about going onto the call, I don't know why, I almost ducked out of it.. But I went on anyway... It was fun, lots of laughs, had a few beers along the way... my gf was on the call with me also... she is friends with some of them also, so I was out getting a drink and interrupted her to ask her something, she said "hang on I'm chatting with my friends".. something inside me flicked and I was fuming .. after that I was micro analysing everything for the rest of the call, had an argument with her after, and she went to bed... I had this overwhelming feeling of lonliness, betrayal she was taking my friends, uselessness, nobody liking me and just a lot of disgust at myself for feeling like this.... I have thought about suicide for a number of years, almost flirting with the idea I guess... but this night I actually went to do it. I have never before, no matter how bad I was feeling. I took a TRX strap, hung it off the door, wrapped it round my neck and let my legs go limp... I was hanging there for about 40-60 seconds... the pressure building in my head was more uncomfortable than the need for a breath.... I could feel myself getting dozy, then something flicked in me again, "if you don't stand up this is it.." I thought.... so I did... took everything down and started crying... I woke my gf back up, but she thought I was going to have another go at her, so didn't want to hear anything from me... It's been 2 days since that now... I feel terrible for the fight, I feel terrible on a whole... but most of all, I've frightened myself that I was actually almost going to do it..... I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I've actually passed the point of toying with the idea to actually doing it, I'm afraid that I coud get to that point again.... The problem is me, I lack self confidence, I lack friends where we live, I lack validation, but for what I don't know... I have a good job, but was not enjoying it so much before all this lockdown happened, but it's paying the bills, I'm still learning and still saving for a house. My gf is great, although I have always had an issue with how gregarious she is, I sometimes feel less around her with friends... I know all that is 100% me.... but that usually turns into me giving out to her about something in social situations... I am keeping fit, I am working towards a degree part time and have a kid who I've been able to spend loads of time with thanks to lockdown... yet I still feel so empty at times.... I had anger issues when we first moved to where we are now, I went to get help and the health services initially diagnosed anxiety... they messed up my records though, sent my appointments to a different address, things got disjointed so I never went back... I felt a lot better then so I thought I could deal with whatever was up, but it seems to comes in waves every few months, maybe over the weekend I was feeling down but didn't recognise it.... Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far... I don't know who to speak to or even how to approach the issue, I feel so embarrassed by it all now...
  3. I know that everyone is different and what may be forgivable to one may not be forgivable to the another, But I am curious what things do you think are forgivable (whether that forgiveness comes right away or takes time) or is just so bad that no time can mend the wound, I recently lost a friend, I lost her for basically two reasons I overdid it and sent two many messages and texts and she blocked me, That may or may not be unforgivable, What I do think is unforgivable however is what I did AFTER that I was desperate to move on but I just had to make sure she at least saw a letter I wrote so I opened up an old facebook I closed and posted it on her wall (I said nothing bad but that does not matter) and she and I no longer speak to me. I did walk up to her after 3 weeks of no talking and told her that I am sorry (Nothing else I was afraid I would take away from the apology and I said I know you never want to speak to me again and I will leave you alone.(The next day something weird happened because she smiled at me and I awkwardly smiled back but said nothing and I am going to keep my promise and leave her alone; BUT MY STORY WHICH I POSTED ELSEWHERE IS DONE I used what happened to me (Well more to the point what I did wrong) as an example of things that are forgivable and not forgivable. So What DO YOU think is forgivable and what is not? Have a great day
  4. my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 10 months now and we’re both second year college students. our relationship would often consists of fights because of my attitude towards him or how i act, i admit that im sometimes immature when it comes to being demanding and sometimes cant be understanding towards my partner, but i feel like im always too criticized by my boyfriend. In our friend group he is always known to be very direct and straight to the point, so its no different that he applies that too in the relationship which is no problem for me. But lately its been different for me. In relationships its normal to be open with one another when it comes to their problems, we rant or become vulnerable with each other. I would often open up about my issues to my bf, issues about my social anxiety back in high school and stuff or about my past relationships, of course after hearing those from me he would try and comfort me. But Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me and completely forgot the fact that he comforted me about those things. He would always do this in our arguments that it deeply hurts me, it makes me want to show him that most people would kill just to see their partner be vocal about their feelings. There are often times where i get stressed or sad about something and the first thing i think about is to tell about them to my boyfriend, but now i’d just be so frustrated with my self because I know I cant really do that anymore towards my boyfriend, it frustrates me because i know wouldnt feel great venting things to him because I know he wouldnt comfort me or maybe he’ll just use my experience against me again. I do plan on opening this up to him but I fear that it may lead to a fight or he might correct me again and again because there might be something wrong with that im adressing. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to not be too firm on me and I would want to be free enough to share my feelings to him without the fear of being judged.
  5. Hello everybody. I hope you are well! I have a pretty simple question, I guess. But I believe it will be better if I talk to you about it ... I've been in NC for almost a month, and I'm feeling good, focusing on my stuff, like gym and college. Well, I've been living my life normally. And, I believe that the most important thing of all, I feel good about myself, you know? But, my question is this: if in a while (I will not determine a specific time, I believe it depends on numerous personal variables), I feel a genuine desire to contact my ex girlfriend (not being motivated by the feelings we all carry right after the BU, like despair and fear) to try to get closer. What better way to do this without scaring them or anything like that? I hope everyone has a great weekend! : D
  6. I literally just wrote this in about ten minutes. It was inspired by a conversation I had with my girlfriend last night at around 4AM. Any feedback is good feedback. Thanks. Also I think my spell check was either off or just not working when I was typing it. I think I got any mistakes but if there still are some that's why. Into this world you came and brought the cold. All these lives together, we were young and we were old. I was waiting up above when down came the snow, I was waiting without you when the Universe let me go. Old souls thrown back into youth, Heaven lies, Hell is truth. Shocked and broken from the tauma of my birth, A lost grieivng spirit wandering alone on this Earth. Blind eyes must learn to see. The solitary one must learn to be. Longing for victory, but knowng defeat, Unable to explain feeling incomplete. Your eyes, like beacons drew me to your side. Your words, like music, left me hypnotized. All those times our paths nearly crossed, All those times we both were lost. For years, so close but so far, And then time stood still, and now here we are. Thrown into this existance from the skies above, Take my hand, no more fear, we know only love.
  7. Hi Everyone --- I am getting out in the dating world again and am paralyzed with fear. My ex husband abandoned my kids and me ten years ago. After two years, post divorce, I go back out there and dated. I went on a few awful dates and felt like I had nailed down being about to pick the bad guys. Then, I met a really nice guy in a coffee shop one day. He was in line behind me and we ended up talking for two hours. He asked for my email and from there we started a nice relationship. We did not rush into anything. He was always on time for our dates, did not cheat, was attentive and caring. I met his family who is lovely and they loved me. I met his friends who embraced me. He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. He owned a home also but it is a one bedroom bungalow so there was no room for the kids and me. So we decided to rent a place to until we found the ideal house for us. We found a beautiful stone country home and set up the date to sign the lease. We talked about if for the two months prior to our move in date. My house was sold and I have packed up everything and was ready to move. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in. I felt as though he was one foot in and one foot out. (No he did not have another girlfriend.) After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage. Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.
  8. Hiya everyone I was looking for a safe place to ask for advice without getting laughed at. I'm 31 & never had a relationship until really recently. To explain I have had serious medical & psyc issues that meant I didn't even consider dating.l, I am also okay alone & relationship stuff scared me. But I got talking to a guy (who lives 2.5 hours away) & I've met him 3x over several weeks. Anyway I've had a few red flags one is hes mentioned marriage etc in the future like we've known each other for years not 1-2 months & that scares me a bit. And he got angry outa the blue via txt once saying I didnt care & it felt really nasty, but aside from that he's been nice, I'm just scared he's hiding a different side to him. It also doesn't make sense he likes me, I'm ugly & living on a benefit while he has a successful career (I'm 31 he's 33), it makes me wonder if he's desperate or just wants what he can get. I feel really stressed when messaging him & I wonder if this is a sign I'm not ready cuse it feels like a burden with all my other struggles (my mental health is still really bad) But aside from that I had another struggle (gonna sound dumb), but I feel like sleeping with someone is "bad", while I havnt before, I know if I did I would feel dirty & guilty (I don't know why cuse others don't seem to see it that way). I just don't know what to do, I'm scared if I walk away I'm losing something that could be great, we both have similar interests & he brings out my old ambitious self to have a career & get better etc. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel so many feelings to run away & suspicion etc. Hope this makes sense, thanks in advance to anyone who has advice!
  9. for context, me and my boyfriend had an argument yesterday and it was never resolved but eventually got worse late at night. It was about me opening up to him how in the past he constantly kept saying that we’re broken up whenever we have a big fight, I told him how it affected me and even though he somewhat changed, I still felt like it wasnt properly discussed. Eventually it turned into a big fight and to him saying he’s done with me, then proceeds to block me everywhere. After an hour he came and apologized, mostly saying:“ im sorry mahal, im trying to be better from my past, no matter how many times I say im done i still want you“. Of course it made me feel good but I still hesitated, I didnt blast at him when he apologized but instead I stood by what I have been saying to him since morning that him constantly saying to break up with me upsets me. After saying those things he said he wanted to call me in order to talk about it, but sadly I had to go to the mall with my family, so I told him we can call later. Once I head back home I messaged him, the whole time I was still not fine with him and was still pretty upset. When I messaged him, he was trying to lighten up the mood between me and him by sending photos with silly filters, even though I was slightly mad, I couldnt help but laugh a long with him in the chat. We then continued talking in the call, he then started joking around with me with our college friends in the chat and I was not having it. I was slightly hostile towards him when that happened and he apologized but I just kept going off at him by saying that “why do you have to involve in those jokes?” “can you stop it?” “Im not having it”. He then responds to asking me if i was still mad about earlier or is it because I didnt like joking with our college friends as of the moment. I answered that Im still mad at what he did, and then I proceeded to telling him how he doesnt know how I feel when he kept breaking up with him, I just said a lot of things regarding that issue. It then again turned into an argument with him just saying: “wow” “do you really think im like that towards you?” “Just look at the things you do”. In that argument he seemed more pissed about the fact that my mood in the chat was so misleading, how i seemed fine in the chats but now in the call I was mad. It then lead to him ending the call again. We then continued fighting in text, it was him saying how I cant even tell how uncomfortable I still was even after the fight. It then continued to him saying he doesnt want this anymore, hes deleting all our pictures, he regrets apologizing to me earlier, hes throwing away the letters i gave him and many more. I have a lot in my mind right now and I dont know if I should blame myself for not telling him in the chats that Im not in the mood to joke around but instead went with the flow with him, but in call proceeded to be mad at him for the things he did. Its morning here and I really wanna approach him but im scared and dont know how. I dont know if we’re already broken up or what. Im mostly scared because I dont know how I can justify about the chats thing, I want to approach him just to settle things straight with him now if this is really it.
  10. Hello everyone, I post already about this but the situation has changed. So basically I saw my ex of 2 years ago the other day and he waited 30 days to reach out to me again to plan a "secon date/meeting" (was it supposed to be a non-contact period that I wasn't aware of?) Second meeting (Ill call it like that since it is not defined if it's a date or not) We went in a park an drink a little bit. We discuss (not a lot of stuff about the relationship) and out of the blue he says he is happy that he can share moment like this with me. That I am the only ex he can do that with and he is not sure why? He also told me that he was sure I hated him and that he use to fear contacting me because according to him, he did make me suffer in the relationship.(In my head I am like so you want a friendship?) We continue the "date/meeting" we talk a lot and there is moment when I turn my face and I see that he was already staring at me and smiling. When asked why he is looking at me like that he says nothing I am just happy to see you, I missed you and we see each other so rarely. (In my head I am like we broke up, do you want a friendship or more???) They were also moments where we would stare at eachothers withoit talking and smiling and other moment when he couldn't stop saying I am a smart and beautiful woman, blablabla. We then go to my place. NOTHING HAPPENED and It’s perfect like that (just how I wanted it). We stayed together for 6 hours in total and we talked a lot (a tiny bit about the relationship but nothing major. Thing like I have memory,etc.) Before leaving my place, he told me that I can also text him and that he would like us to exchange news and he also mention twice that he is the who broke the ice twice to set up the "date/meeting" and that I can do it too. He insisted on that. He wants me to plan the next "meeting/date". (In my head I am like maybe he wants more) When he got home he texted me he had a blast. 2 days later he text me out of the blue to be careful if I go to the BLM protest in Canada. So do y’all think he wants to get back with me on me on just want to be friend? I do not want to ask him since I don't want to make it a weird thing. I do want him back but to afraid to tell him and since he is not clearly saying I want you back I am confused. I also have a lot of pride and I think if he wants me back he should be telling me and if not stop leading me on. If you need more details I will be glad to give it to y'all. The previous post has further details.
  11. Hi I feel in such a dark place right now about a week ago me and my boyfriend split up, we had been together for 2 years and there had been a lot of ups and downs if I'm being honest mostly downs he cheated very early on and then he lied about texting another girl so there were serious trust issues but I'd never experienced a loving relationship before and I knew he loved me so we had a fresh start put everything behind us he was honest with me but other things happened when he moved in he got lazy I did everything i mean everything paid for everything but instead of talking about it I bottled it up and then I just exploded called him every name under the sun and told him to leave and that it was over, we haven't spoken but I miss him I miss being loved by him I just cant believe it's over and I'm finding it hard to function everything feels hard and exhausting I dont understand why I know it was for the best I'm trying not to think about just the good times but I miss him so much even though I dont think he was the right person for me but I'm scared I'll never feel that way again and its just devastated me
  12. Hello all, I'm going to try to give a brief summary of my breakup, because it was really complicated, sudden, and messy. Well, my ex and I had been together for nearly two years (he lives in the US and studies here, but is an international student). I was born and raised in the US. In the US, he studied about an hour away from where I lived and during the holidays/vacations, he would always go back home to his country where his family lives. Although he is one year older, I started university this year as well and that is when the troubles really started to come out. In October, he made us take a 'break' with no timeframe because he was upset at me for having made a few guy friends that he thought were trying to get with me at school. The break ended up lasting two weeks until I reached out and made amends with him. I also realize that in every fight we would have, I was the one stepping forward to apologize. He tends to make himself the victim. From the end of October until his holidays in December, we were stable and probably the happiest we had been in a long while. He left in December and would be leaving for nearly two months. For whatever reason, this sent me into an absolute panic and I was so anxious he would make us take another break in fear of me being at university while he was still out of the country. Four days into his vacation, and I now realize how irritating and mean I was being to him during those first few days of his trip. It was like I didn't want to talk to him in fears of being abandoned yet again. Now that I have had the time to reflect on what went wrong, I know that I let fear and anxiety rush a breakup that probably could have been avoided. Anyway, two hours before it all happened he told me that he "hated not having my presence in his life" and "loved me so much". Then, due to another silly fight where I let my anxiety get the best of me, he ended our relationship over a text in which he called me the love of his life. The following day, I called him over the phone and he instead said it would be another 'break' with a "90% chance of reconciliation". Basically, I precipitated what I was worried about. The thing is, I didn't want to wait around for two months while he could be doing God knows what back in his home country. I didn't think it was fair of him to leave me hanging with those odds, so I decided it was time to move on and decided to cut ties with him on all social media about two weeks later. I unfollowed him on every platform and also removed him from being able to follow me. I never heard from him again and I never reached out. About two months later, on Valentine's Day, he blocked me on Instagram although I had already removed him from my followers two months earlier. He didn't block me on any other platform (that I know of) and it has now been five months since the breakup. He continues to follow all of my closest friends and my roommate on all social media. I still love him and think about him everyday. Is it worth it to try to make amends now? It' s just been so difficult to move on without closure or knowing why it ended so abruptly. I also am nervous that my reaching out will be badly received and I will get even more hurt. Is it likely he would reply?
  13. Hi everyone. I am 30 years old now and I’m starting to see for the first time certain things about my personality that I’d like to improve. I am a people pleaser and it causes much stress and anxiety if I let someone down or if I feel like I’m not doing what someone wants. For example, I am moving into a new house soon, I have been looking before covid19 lock down and started the process way before lock downs. I am about to close soon and won’t be moving until at least mid June. I am having anxiety about telling my family I got a house. I am worried they will think I am stupid for buying a house during uncertain times, and I have a family member with a weakened immune system and I feel like she will look at me like I am being an idiot for moving. (My lease is up and I need to move or resign) I have terrible time saying no to people, I worry constantly what people think of my decisions. Do I maybe need therapy? For the most part I live a normal life, with a good job, friends and family relationships are good. Is this something I can work on by myself (dealing with anxiety, people pleaser, and a bit of ocd)? Thanks
  14. It seems odd that what seems an otherwise continued communication would halt. I mean maybe i was thick headed and wasn't seeing the sign of an eventual stop. The communication was usually as follows: i would text a few rounds and the other party wouldn't get back until a week later. The reason he gave was because he was busy with work. Then on the last time, I sent him a photo of me and updated my facebook messenger profile photo. Nothing else seems to have been drastically changed as the content in communication was more or less the same. Could it have had anything to do with the photo? Its now on the third week and i am thinking i might not hear from him again. Is it possible to just give it time? I don't know what to do here. Part of me wants to keep texting, but the other part of me wants to not text because that could annoy anyone. Please give advice and suggestions. I'm at a lost with this one and fear the worst.
  15. I have the best relationship with my boyfriend and I’ve never been happier in a relationship than I am now. We spend almost every day together and love each other’s company. I have seriously never been happier. But sometimes he goes out with his friends and I’m left at home by myself, which is fine! I’m not one of those girlfriends that doesn’t let her boyfriend go out! I love that he has friends and goes out and has fun, but it makes me feel lonely because I don’t have any friends and I don’t have anyone to talk to or anywhere to go when he’s not around. I used to have quite a few friends but I’ve slowly been pulling myself away because I’ve realised that they’re not the best friends. So now I’m feeling incredibly lonely. I spent my birthday crying to my boyfriend because I had no friends to celebrate my 20th birthday with. And I feel bad for burdening him with my problems. Most of the time I’m fine with not having friends but as time goes by it gets to me more and more and I’m scared that I’m the future im going to end up depressed because of it. I have a bit of a past with mental health so I’m scared I’m going to fall into that again. I guess I’m just after some reassurance. Is it normal to not have any friends but still have an amazing relationship?
  16. I have been together with my partner for 5 and half years now. We love each other and don't have much problems. However, there is one problem, that we face on a regular basis, which is my anxiety about him. In the beginning we were living in for about 2 years, after which he moved back to his hometown for career prospects. I also moved to another city. We don't have issues in our long distance relationship, however, sometimes I become very worried about his whereabouts. We have been in a LD relationship for around 3 years now, and we both have a high trust factor. We call one another quite frequently almost 6 to 7 times a day. I get really worried if he does not call me after reaching home. Since his office is quite distant from his residence. He uses train and busses, and it takes almost 2 hours for him to reach home. If he does not call me after reaching I become very scared. Sometimes it takes more than 4 hours for him to reach, because of traffic. Even though I know this, I become extremely worried. Sometimes he does not charge his phone, and this makes me even more worried because I can't call him. Even though he knows about my anxiety, he still refuses to carry a charger or borrow from someone else, blaming me, that I am the only one, who gets too worried. I don't know what to do, and I become very scared please give me your advice.
  17. A friend of mine has been behaving a little weird lately, I feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. I know this might seem like we're back at high school but we've been friends for almost 3 years so I'm a little confused and sad. So we would meet on a regular basis and were pretty close but lately it seems she hangs out with everyone else except for me. We both have our own group of friends and I'm definitely not someone who needs their friends 24/7 but we'd always find time to meet up. The last time we met she was a little weird/annoyed but she's going through stuff so I didn't think too much about it. We were supposed to attend this event last weekend, she said she couldn't go because she was afraid of the coronavirus. Yesterday we were randomly texting when she just told me she cant meet up this weekend because she's busy. I didn't even ask her about the weekend plans, so I thought it was a bit weird. The thing is she hangs out with other people, goes to concerts and stuff, so I have the impression she doesn't want to find time to meet up with me. I know I can't do much about it, and I don't want to force people to spend time with me if they don't want to, I just needed to vent. I feel a little disappointed, like she knows I am going through some stuff too and I don't feel I could talk to her right now. Thank you for reading this!
  18. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  19. Good morning. So many thoughts today, just thought I'd rant, so either turn away now or allow me to thank you for your indulgence, lol. I ended a two year relationship about 2 & 1/2 months ago and I feel like since that happened there has been a chain of unfortunate events that just keep hitting me. First one was my job cut my hours the week following the breakup. I was still very fresh from the split and my emotions were running high. Just to be called into the HR office to be told they were streamlining because of some big accounts that were recently lost or put on hold and as a result they would be reducing my hours. It could have been worse. Two people were laid off (but two more have since been hired back on) and the hours I lost were all overtime, so I'm still a full time employee with benefits, so that's a plus. Then about two and a half weeks ago my mother fell and broke her hip. I've been visiting her twice a day everyday and seemed to be doing okay until a couple days ago when she started developing severe breathing difficulties. She is still in a skilled nursing facility and the initial prognosis was that she'd be there 3 to 4 weeks. She's 83 and her breathing problems are chronic and she has struggled with them for many years now. But since she's been unable to get out of bed I think it is exacerbating her problem. The SNF is going to call me today with a status on her condition and what the current prognosis is. She also has an infection on her breast that they wanted to treat and she has refused treatment. She is also refusing treatment for her breathing difficulty. I think her unwillingness to accept treatment is going to cause her to be released from the SNF, which would be very unfortunate. I'm going to try and talk some sense into her on my visit today after I finish the phone call with her case worker. I also had a cruise that I booked almost a year ago on the Seine river going from Paris to Normandy. That's obviously called off now. But the cruise line is refunding my money I found out today, so that's a silver lining, I suppose. Which brings me to all this coronavirus crap that's got everyone running around like scared little monkeys. I understand why people are reacting this way, but I don't think it's the correct reaction. Yes, it's a time for vigilance and caution. But not one for fear and worry and the reaction of the general public seems to be the latter as evidenced by the store shelves in my neighborhood. I mean, life is a zero sum game. You're born, you live, you die. Everyone gets the same exact deal, no exceptions. The only thing that actually matters is what you do while you're still breathing and then once that ends not even that matters anymore. History is full of literally billions of people that no one knows ever existed. But our egos tell us that somehow our individual lives are more important than everyone else who's been here before us as well as all of those who will be here after us and that we don't deserve to die. Well, deserve it or not, you're going to. So be happy and spread love while you have the chance, because that's all there really is to life. That or misery and despair. Your choice. I guess it's a bit easier for me to have this fleet footed view of the big picture in life because I have really no worldly attachments. They've simply never interested me. I have no kids, no debt and at the moment no significant other. So if I disappear, no one's going to be the worse for it. Except for maybe myself and I'll get over it, lol. So. Alrighty then. I guess that just about spills it all. If you've read this far you're a trooper, I appreciate your tenacity as well as your interest and as Bartles (or was it Jaymes?) used to say, I thank you for your support.
  20. Hi All, I really need some advice. I think I married and had kids with the wrong person and I don't know what to do. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years and have two daughters, ages 6 and 9. For the most part, we get along well, but I married her for the wrong reasons and am not in love with her. We were like best friends, more than deeply in love (at least from my side). My parents loved her and we all had a lot of fun together. She was my first girlfriend. I was pretty shy, had low self esteem and, although I knew I wasn't really in love with her, I felt like we could have a good life together. I didn't want to crush her and was too weak to end the relationship. I've done a lot of personal development and introspection over the last couple years, and am finally able to better articulate and face my feelings. She's a very negative person, and complains all the time (about the kids, work, house, her health, etc). We have very different parenting styles and I feel like she's super-critical of our kids and contributes to a lot of the problems we have with them. She's gained a lot of weight since we started dating and I'm no longer physically attracted to her. I don't like being physically affectionate with her because it just feels fake. We're always civil to each other, and do have a lot of fun together as a family, but we don't communicate very well. I don't feel like I've ever been able to truly be myself around her. It used to seem like we had a lot in common, but we've both changed a lot and it doesn't seem like she's very interested in me or my goals at all. She never seems interested in talking about me, my interests, or what I'm working on. I really feel like the relationship is holding me back from becoming who I'm really meant to be. I know we need to work on our relationship and communicating better, but I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel because I know it will crush her, and I don't want to ruin the mostly good family life we have. So my question is - should I tell her how I really feel? If I tell her and we decide to stay together for the kids, I'm afraid it's going to make our life together negative and miserable. If I tell her and we decide to split up, I'm afraid of what it will do to our girls, and I really don't want to be away from them. If I don't tell her, I have to continue living this lie. I feel like such an awful person for letting it get to this point and am ashamed for not having the courage to be honest about my feelings from the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to offer.
  21. ^ title mostly says it all but let me elaborate: I am young female who is looking to start dating other females but I have a lot of issues with talking with people in general. I am quite awkward and a lot of time I am just fearful that my awkwardness and shyness would prevent myself from having a natural conversation or it would be the reason that will run people away from me. I always get down on this since I always wanted to be in a close friendly relationship (whether that be distanced or nearby) but I am genuinely fearful of even doing dating sites since I am scared things will go wrong due to who I am :/ I'm not asking for much but simply looking for tips on how to set myself up so eventually I can grow more comfortable to even having a nice chat since I know I need some growth before an actual relationship. Thank you for anyone who responds to this
  22. My situation might be quite weird compared to the average poster. I'm an avid gamer, it's my main hobby and it's how I spend most of my time. Through this I've had the luck of meeting an incredible girl: she's selfless, responsible, smart, we are absolutely on the same wavelength, have similar life experiences and we just connected in a beautiful way that made us fall in love. We live in different countries which, of course, makes things hard, but we call every day and try doing different things together when we both have time. Caring so much for one another, we've made plans to meet and now the big day is actually coming in less than a week. Here's the problem though: my personality, in specific my insecurities, anxiety and just being nervous overall. It's always being a part of me, I don't like it, I've tried working on it, I develop methods, but sometimes it still hits me, my mood drops very low very quickly and I still struggle to deal with this weakness of mine. These issues can sparkle from something as her meeting with male friends, or her having loads of fun and laughing a ton with someone else. Just writing I know it sounds crazy: I don't know to want to be an obsessive jealous boyfriend and I really wish I could just not worry over such things. I still get these thoughts though. I'm also close to some of my most important and possibly last university exams now and studying, preparing is taking its toll on me: I spend most of my days on books, I lost basically all hobbies and I'm quite sure it's bringing its impact on the relationship. I don't have as much to talk about, my mood tends to be lower, I'm not as energetic as I could be, … and these things lead to me not making her laugh as much as I used to, to me not being as much fun to hang out with as before (I think, she never said anything like it). So a vicious cycle develops where I don't feel like I'm taking proper care of her which leads to me fearing she might lose interest and go for other people, even male friends, that make her laugh and are in general not so heavy minded which leads to me begin worried and nervous... She's always incredibly supportive, loving and I do feel like this could be the chance of a lifetime, she's just that perfect. So I'm scared: this side of my personality has already been an issue with a previous relationship and I don't want it to happen again, I don't want to lose her. I know I should at least invest more time into myself, whether it'd be getting back more seriously into gaming (which is a shared passion too) or just any hobby that fulfills me and makes me happier, but I'm still quite lost regarding what to do and how to handle such thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry if the post is quite generic: I'm new too this, it feels weird talking about something so private online
  23. I'm struggling to know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if how I'm feeling is actually reasonable. I've been in a relationship for 8 months and am so in love; it's simultaneously the most amazing and terrifying feeling. I've been in other long term relationships and been in love but this one feels so much more... Well, more. My last relationship ended very abruptly at the 8 month mark and I'm not sure if I'm now projecting my fears of losing my current boyfriend out of seemingly nowhere. We talk everyday but over the last week it's become patchy, one day we talk for 2 minutes only and then the next day its 4 hours and then the next day its one text. That along with the fact we've only had sex once in the last 5 weeks (he was unwell for 2 of those weeks though) is just starting to spring questions in my mind. I last saw him 4 days ago for an hour and it was really nice, we just cuddled and laughed and talked and he told me he loved me but he hasn't asked me to stay over for well over a week and since we've been together I've always stayed over at least 2 nights a week every week. He's prioritising spending time with his friends over me a lot (at least in my mind - I really don't know if I'm overthinking it) it's lead me to think that perhaps he just needs a bit of him time but he's always been very honest and upfront and it's something he would normally have said if it were the case so again I don't know if what I think is happening actually is or not. I should also mention that I have had periods throughout this relationship where I've been paranoid and sure things were wrong which turned out to be completely in my head. He's consistently shown me he loves me and I've consistently been scared it's all going to go away. I'm worried I'll push him away or if perhaps I currently am. I feel like I should talk to him about the way I'm feeling but I have no idea how to. It's really bringing me down.
  24. Broke up with my first boyfriend years ago, it affected me a lot because he has a "type" and I can't help but compare myself to the new women he may be dating. We remained friends (no longer) for a while and I recall this conversation that I go over and over in my head; Him: She never texts me but I'm just trying to respect her space Me: She must be damn hot or something for you to still try and work things out despite her ignoring you for weeks like that Him: She IS hot...... I am definitely still in love with him and these thought I'm afraid are becoming crippling to my self esteem. Should I try and make arrangements to speak to a conselor about this? Has Anyone else experienced this?
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