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  1. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  2. Hello everyone, I’ve recently reconnected with my ex girlfriend after 15 years. I broke up with her when I was 17, because it was really hard to see her due to her overbearing father. I really want to be with her and start a family. She still looks at me differently than any other woman on earth. She turns into a little girl when we are together. I can truly tell she loves me, but she won’t admit it or deny it. and I believe that it’s because she hasn’t been with a man in 10 years. She told me today that me asking her to be with me was adding a lot of pressure in her life, and that I don’t know her anymore because she has changed. I told her that the pressure was because she has to step out of her comfort zone in order to be with me, and it wasn’t completely biological. All she said was “ Wow” after that, and stopped texting. I know it’s a lot of stress when dealing with her identity, but I believe that there should be more relief that we’ve reconnected, than pressure. I would give anything to be with her, even after all these years. I’m just not sure what to do…
  3. I thought I would give a go at this journaling thing. My friends do not partake in online dating and I don't really get feedback from anyone that does. Mostly my friends shake their heads and ask `why?' I've been out of a relationship since May '14 and without rehashing all that has transpired I will say that online dating has changed considerably in the past 3 years. I've taken several breaks, mostly after meeting men looking for casual sex and men who are too afraid to put themselves out there and seem to put me in the drivers seat to pursue them and breath life into the situation. Neither of which I am comfortable with. I am a young (as so I am told) 50 something yr old professional with a rich social life, so I am definitely not lonely. If I sense there is no momentum in a man that I meet I am quick to let it go seeing that I don't have a lot of free time and being with my friends is often a much better option. After my last fail .. well I can't really call it a failed attempt, maybe a valuable lesson with dating someone I mentioned here in previous posts, that I had dated earlier this year and he made a return visit in Oct. He is clearly not ready for a relationship but I am very taken by him and we have amazing chemistry. With that being said he is dating others and at some point these things run their course and I opted out, not wanting to be part of the `rotation' and finding myself engaging in an intimate relationship with someone I did not have a commitment with. Mind you this is the first time in my life I tried to do this and much like I already knew I am not cut out for it. He still texts once in a while and says he misses me, but it messes with my emotions so the more distance I get the better. I wish things were different . . but it is what it is. To keep my sanity during that time I continued to date others (not intimately) and the pace was wearing on me and creating all sorts of unneeded anxiety. During the holidays I pulled my profile but continued to communicate with one person who's schedule is opposite of mine for the time being so meeting was a challenge. During my time off during the holidays we met for breakfast and as much as I really didn't want to go, I was pleasantly surprised. Now 3 dates later my current challenge is to see if this man can open up and let me in. Apparently I make him very nervous and at times he shuts down. I tried dating someone like him sometime ago and I thought in time he might let me in. After several weeks I realized it was never going to happen. What I do like about my new friend is that he has some old school values much like mine, maybe a little more conservative. He noticed I pulled my profile (only for a break) and pulled his as well saying he typically only dates on person at a time to see where it goes. It's nice to not have to interpret someone's intentions and refreshing to know I am not part of someone rotation. We haven't so much as held hands yet which builds up that anticipation part that seems to be so fun and he's a good `dater'. I have met so many men who don't know how to date. .funny as that sounds, but true. I am enjoying this. He is showing me that he does have sense of humor and enjoys giving me a hard time (playfully) I am optimistic that there is someone that I am able to connect with behind the shyness. He has assured me that he is typically not this way and has promised to open up. I still have another friend I will see tonight. T and I have been dating for about 3 months now and as much as I like and I am attracted to him I just don't think we are relationship material. He's gone most weekends to see his son 8 hours away. He's so sweet and endearing but not very active, pretty much a couch kinda guy, very Christian and not much of a social drinker. (my social circle is!) He has a very naïve almost immature quality to him but I feel safe and cared for with him. I often wish I could see him as someone more than a friend but that certain quality is lacking. I don't see him often and have opted out a couple times lately, but I am looking forward to catching up tonight. So this it. . at least for now. I see my shy friend this weekend. M has invited me for a day trip to the local mountains and I am looking forward to it. For now my profile is down . .tomorrow who knows!?
  4. I started talking to this guy a couple of weeks ago end it was good, we went on a couple dates and our texts flowed pretty smooth. I had a personal incident that happened and I got severely depressed about it. I told him that I was in a weird place and that it wasn’t something that I really wanted to talk about. He asked me if it had anything to do with him but I reaffirmed it wasn’t him. However, days later after I had gotten over the initial shock of the issue and we had been talking like normal again he blew up at me. He started saying that I was a terrible person and that I was terrible at communicating. He kept telling me I should’ve talked to him because of my issue. I told him that it was respectful to give me time especially since I just met him. He still is disagreeing with me about it and criticizing me. I’m just wondering if I should just end it since he won’t listen to me, but I feel guilty because it was nice before and he still wants to try.
  5. He had been following me on Instagram for a while and noticed I put up a story about a loved one and euthanasia and he reached out with a nice message and it went from there. Having been speaking for a few weeks, we ended up going out for dinner. Had very good chats, seems like a really lovely guy and nothing sexual. We also agreed on a lot things; he spoke about family and he said his sisters boyfriend never takes initiative, for example doesn't help out in the kitchen and we both agreed that if it was us, we would be doing that. The odd compliment, but in good taste. For example telling me that I looked beautiful in a particular dress on Instagram and him saying he wishes I wear that to his birthday. Some cute messages to each other, like him sending me photos of what he does for work and him telling me that he often thinks about me. He picked me up from my house and before he got to mine, he texted me saying would I like him to meet my parents or just pick me up. Nice offer. He paid for dinner and it went really well in terms of chats, felt like a really caring and respectful guy, talked about family and all those nice things. He dropped me home and did not indicate anything about going back to his which was good. When we got back to my house to drop me home, my mother was just coming home and he waited and said hello to her. He then said she was lovely. I could tell he wanted to kiss as he sort of just kept looking at me, I said something and then we kissed. Honestly was quite slow and passionate. He asked if I would like to see him again and said yes. He has offered breakfast and study dates before previously. He told me that an ex-girlfriend he had years ago was quite toxic and they argued a lot, I asked him in what way and he told me that they had different opinions on aborting a certain child for specific issues, I told him that I agreed with his point and that was good. He dropped me home and did not indicate anything about going back to his which was good. He asked if I would like to do this again and I said yes. When we got back to my house to drop me home, my mother was just coming home and he waited and said hello to her. He then said she was lovely. I could tell he wanted to kiss as he sort of just kept looking at me, I said something and then we kissed. He messaged me a few hours later thanking me, kept in on and off-contact for the week, he told me he was tired but good. He asked about my plans for the weekend and I did the same, he is very busy and works in the medical field. He hasn't mentioned anything about catching up again. Our date was last Sunday. Good signs? It does finally feel great to be with someone that you just feel you could be compatible with and see them as a long term partner, irrespective of how things pan out. Things also feel easy and relaxed. **TL;DR** nothing indicates that he doesn't want a relationship. Only concern is that we still communicate via Instagram DM (perhaps out of habit).
  6. Background In 2019 I ended two relationships. Jane and Kathy, whom I wrote about on this forum... With Jane, essentially my heart wanted to love her and be with her, but my logical head told me that it would not work. With Kathy, my head told that me she was perfect (or as good as I'll get), but my heart refused to settle for a transactional relationship. Lily Last Friday, I went on a "pseudo-date" with a girl (let’s call her Lily) that both my head and heart are excited about... And now I'm really scared of screwing it up. I thought this horrible nervousness was a thing of the past! I've not felt this way about anyone since 2012. Ugh.. In short, Lily’s values align with mine much more closely than Kathy ever did, she seems to have a much more compatible personality and she is just as beautiful, if not more. I thought it was impossible to meet somebody who embodied the best parts of both Jane and Kathy, and ticks all the boxes, but potentially, Lily does just that. Yikes. How we met I met her at a friend’s birthday party (she is one of his flatmates) two Fridays ago. We got talking about some events near me and she expressed an interest in coming to the Friday night and Sunday afternoon ones. (I planned to go to the Friday night one only). Of course I was delighted. We ended up having dinner before the event (a networking thing) last Friday night and then going for drinks at a beer bar afterwards. We had a great time, and afterwards she said, “it’s been a long time since I relaxed and enjoyed myself like that”. I probably got a bit eager at that point and said that we should grab dinner and see a movie after she finishes the Sunday afternoon event (a language class that I do not go to). She said she already had plans with a friend, but could maybe cancel to meet me instead. The day after however, she asked to rearrange Sunday evening for the next Friday evening (so, this Friday, as of now) instead. Of course, I agreed... So what's the problem? Tell me to calm down As I said, I've not been so excited about meeting somebody since 2012... and although I think I did alright last Friday, now that we are more edging towards more obvious dating territory, I feel that my nerves are starting to cause me to make bad decisions, like being too eager about the "second date" (I know the first date was not technically a date) and maybe scaring her off. Getting closer with Kathy was surprisingly easy (is that a sign that I was not so thrilled with her even from the start?) But Lily is even more out of my league, (she is just as pretty and actually richer than me... lol) so feeling quite insecure and inadequate, and hesitating about every message, every decision now... For example, I wanted to see a movie with her, but if it's a Friday night, we got less time than a weekend day. So, if I had to pick between a movie or dinner, I'd pick dinner (more time to talk)... but she mentioned a movie in her last message, so I am hesitating about whether I should suggest dinner on Friday and a movie on Sunday instead... or is that too eager again? Or just go watch a movie on Friday night as a safe option? You see what I mean? I don't remember worrying over small details like this with Jane or Kathy, what is wrong with me?! Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...
  7. Here is a bit of background: I'm dating this guy, let's call him "C", for two months. I have some previous posts about him if anyone is interested. If you don't have time to read those, here is a brief background. We met on a paid dating website a few months ago. I'm 36 and he's 30 and we both rent and live alone. C used to work as a contractor at a few different schools as an IT tech for eight years but six months ago he got a job with a computer company assembling computers. He actually only moved out of home for the first time in his life six months ago as well. I left home when I was 23. We spoke online here and there and then video called and after that talked every day for a week and a bit. Basically all our relationship has either been in a very strict COVID lockdown where you're not allowed to leave the house except for food and medical, or just with a lot of COVID restrictions. I realise we haven't been dating long but I actually began to like C a lot right from the start and I know I've fallen in love with him. I have often felt bad anxiety at the start of relationships in the past but this time it's been much worse. I'm not sure if it's because of the trauma from my previous ex where I was engaged to him and planned the wedding, but he had bad mental health, anger and drug issues and he ruined everything. Also since COVID started I suffered quite badly mentally. I'm not trying to complain because I know it's been horrific for everyone. In my case, I'm a super social and outgoing person but because I live alone and my job was cancelled for six months, we had a six month very hard lockdown where you don't go out and I was alone 24/7. This was last year and as I live alone and no pets, it was just me. I spoke to my friends and family online and on video calls but the situation affected me horribly. I began to feel depressed and anxious, have insomnia and my drinking escalated. I do see a therapist and have continued my therapy with her but only in video calls the last 1.5 years. I felt anxious about dating C basically from the start but now the anxiety got worse. I want to mention also that is a really nice guy but he's not outgoing and he never really went out. His main hobby is video games and especially online gaming with his online friends. I think it was due to the fact he never really went out and was shy that he'd never dated anyone before me and he was a virgin at 30. I was a bit nervous about that aspect at first but it turned out to be no problem, especially not sexually. Everything has been fine there lol Anyway due to the lockdown and nothing else going on I've basically been at C's place all the time. He really wants me to be here all the time. Maybe normally I wouldn't be because I would be working more and seeing my friends and family. I haven't really been able to do that though and at times my shifts at work had been cut down. So I actually have nothing going on and I also much preferred to spend my time with C rather than be alone like last year. The law in my state is that in COVID quarantine you can't meet anyone, but you can be with your intimate partner. I had mentioned to C that I'm not really happy in the apartment/unit I live in. It actually belongs to my parents and it's not a bad place, but it's not great either. The units are old (built in the 60's) and there is very bad planning and acoustics. I share my bedroom wall with two neighbours and I literally hear everything. Especially the people sharing one wall are very loud. They stay up very late at night and they always slam their front door loud and my bedroom window is very close. I can't say anything to them because it's just really bad acoustics and not their fault as such. They're just talking and doing things in their own place, but I hear it all. Also all my street is is units and apartments and there are so many people and very crowded and loud. C said to me that I can move in with him and he mentioned it a few times. He's renting a very nice three bedroom house with a huge backyard. It's further out of the city but it's a quieter area and where he lives is especially really quiet and right next to a nice nature reserve. C also said he's going to get a dog and I also really love dogs. Anyway then began talking about all these things like me moving in and getting a dog and I began to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea. I completely realise it's too fast but being in and out of lockdown constantly just means I'm just sitting home alone. And I don't actually get much peace and quiet because of all the neighbours also being home 24/7 and it's very noisy. The issue is my anxiety has become very bad. I literally feel like paralysed with anxiety where my body just locks up. And I keep thinking paranoid thoughts a lot like that Chris isn't really into me as a person and that he just wanted to have any girlfriend because he's never had one before. And things like that he cares more about playing video games than me. Which actually logically doesn't seem true because he hasn't played video games all the time with me being over, but only some of the time. And I played some online games with my friends too. I realise gaming is his hobby and without lockdown I would pursue what I want too, such as go out with friends. I don't understand what's causing such strong anxiety but it's really taking over. I'm not sure if maybe I subconsciously don't really want to rush the relationship. But at the same time it's true that I don't want to stay in my apartment and I've actually been thinking that for the past couple of years. I was even considering moving out to the countryside because I wanted some peace and quiet and to rent an actual house with a garden. And maybe get a dog myself even. The past couple of weeks I've been feeling weird and confused about my relationship with C. I'm not sure if it's spending all our time just with each other due to COVID quarantine, but I'm starting to see some things about him that I'm not sure about. I think some posters here pointed out that C and I are very different. I think I'm starting to really see that. C told me that when he was about 13 years old, his father suspected he might have ADHD or something, so he had all these different testing done. Apparently they didn't find anything like ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. But they did find that C has an auditory processing disorder. The way he explained it to me is that if he's out in public and there's background noise, he can't make out what people are saying to him that he's having a conversation with. He said it starts to make him annoyed that he can't "hear" people. What I've gathered is that all his life he very barely went out and him and his friends just spent time at home video gaming. He has only two real life friends and doesn't see them much because they're in serious relationships. The rest of the time he games all the time with some friends he's known for 10+ years, but never met them because they're online friends. Most of our relationship has been in very strict COVID lockdown, but a few weeks ago restrictions eased off. I said that it would be really nice to go on am actual date and to go to the local shopping centre/mall for a meal and maybe to see a movie at the cinema. So we went there and went to a couple of shops quickly but unfortunately it was really crowded everywhere due to lockdown having just eased off. I could see that C wasn't enjoying it and he said he was getting annoyed that he can't hear me. So I said we should leave but that I'd like to get a coffee just at the small local shops near his house. So we went there and I bought us the drinks and asked if I can try his milkshake. I only took one sip and suggested we sit down on a bench and enjoy our drinks. He said no, we need to leave because we had "things to do". We actually had nothing to do and the shops were quiet. Then C told me that he just gets over being at the shops and just wants to go. Don't get me wrong, I know he's a guy and I don't expect him to go on a shopping spree or something. I just thought it'd be nice to go on a date, or go SOMEWHERE and I was pretty disappointed. This kind of thing also happened another time when we tried to go to the shops for me to get a takeaway coffee. Another thing is that early on in dating, C asked me if I'd like to meet his Mum and his best friend and best friend's girlfriend, so I did and I spent a lot of time with them. Due to lockdown I've been playing online video games with my friends. I asked C every time if he'd like to join us, and he always declined. But yet he has asked me if I'd play online games with him and his online friends and I said that I would. That made me feel like he doesn't want to make any effort to be part of my life, even though he actually loves online gaming. He also said to me that he wouldn't want to go to any parties or events with me, but that he thinks it's really important for us to still have our friends and that I should see my friends. C said to me that he used to have really bad insomnia and he would get very irritable, but now the insomnia is better. Last week C was in a horrible mood all week and grumpy and snappy and would just shut down. The back story is that he used to work for an electronics company casually for eight years as an IT support tech in schools. That company treated him really bad and he wanted a full-time job. So six months ago he got a job with a computer company where he assembles computers from scratch. From everything he's told me, they really underpay the staff. He said that when he was getting the job, the old manager there said he'd been on three months' probation but after that he'd get a "good" pay rise. So ever since I'd been dating him he kept talking about that pay rise. He was annoyed because it turned out to be probation was actually six months, not three. He was also on bare minimum legal wage, only $21 per hour. Last week C began to act irritable even before he'd found anything out about the pay rise. Then it turned out the pay rise was only $23 per hour. He was not moved up to a higher pay tier because he wasn't meeting the company's KPI's in regards to how many computers he made. He'd already been telling me that he's struggling financially and starting to run out of savings. So all of last week after he'd found out about the pay rise thing, he'd been acting moody, irritable, snappy and short with me. I was trying to be supportive but he was very closed off and unfriendly. He said he wasn't trying to do it deliberately and he didn't mean it, but yet continued to act like this. The thing was that this may sound bad, but I didn't really feel sorry for him. The reason being is that he'd been at that company for six months and he'd never actually asked at any point how much the pay rise actually was. The company didn't actually lie to him because they said after six months he'd get a pay rise, which he did. And to be fair I only get a $1 or $2 pay rise PER YEAR, but I actually make $40 an hour. Another thing is that right from the start I'd noticed that C has something wrong with his memory. It's not completely bad but he often keeps telling me exactly the same things and the same stories and he doesn't seem to remember that he'd already told me all that before. It's even to the point where he told me a few times what his favourite movie is and if I'd seen it. I said I hadn't but he still asked me another few times if I'd seen it. One time we watched a movie and later he said to me: "This movie is good" but in a way like he was recommending it or something and almost sounded like he didn't remember that we'd watched it. I wasn't sure though if he really didn't remember or he was just commenting that the movie is good. He said insomnia makes his memory bad but this seems a bit extreme. Another thing is he really wants a dog and we're going to look at a dog tomorrow. On the animal shelter's website it said "adoption pending" because basically he told them he definitely wants to get this dog. It's his life but my only concern is that he'd already told me that he's struggling financially before, and this is WITHOUT supporting a large dog. He did apply for another well paid job but there's not a guarantee he'll actually get the job. I'm not sure how to feel about all this... I'm also really second guessing myself. I'm 36 and I've been in a few serious relationships but they were all only 1.5 - 2 years long. They were mostly all ended by me except one. I really want to get married and have a family and to be honest finding someone hadn't been going well. C wants marriage and kids too and he's talking about our future a lot. But I'm just not sure whether we're actually too different? I was just thinking that maybe him not wanting to go out isn't a big issue because I'm older now and I don't really want to go to parties and bars and things like that anyway. I am VERY outgoing though and I love going on dates, like dinner, movies, events. I was also thinking that having kids involves responsibilities like taking them out to lots of places, kids' parties, dance classes, so on and so on. I'm worried that all that will fall solely to me because he can't handle/doesn't want to go out. Also I understand that you can't have everything in common with a partner and it's good to have your own life too. But is it too much of me to expect my partner to be more part of my life? Like to try to get to know my friends and go out with me to things at least sometimes?
  8. I'm dating this guy, let's call him "C", for two months. I have some previous posts about him if anyone is interested. If you don't have time to read those, here is a brief background. We met on a paid dating website a few months ago. I'm 36 and he's 30 and we both rent and live alone. C used to work as a contractor at a few different schools as an IT tech for eight years but six months ago he got a job with a computer company assembling computers. He actually only moved out of home for the first time in his life six months ago as well. I left home when I was 23. We spoke online here and there and then video called and after that talked every day for a week and a bit. Basically all our relationship has either been in a very strict COVID lockdown where you're not allowed to leave the house except for food and medical, or just with a lot of COVID restrictions. I realise we haven't been dating long but I actually began to like C a lot right from the start and I know I've fallen in love with him. I have often felt bad anxiety at the start of relationships in the past but this time it's been much worse. I'm not sure if it's because of the trauma from my previous ex where I was engaged to him and planned the wedding, but he had bad mental health, anger and drug issues and he ruined everything. Also since COVID started I suffered quite badly mentally. I'm not trying to complain because I know it's been horrific for everyone. In my case, I'm a super social and outgoing person but because I live alone and my job was cancelled for six months, we had a six month very hard lockdown where you don't go out and I was alone 24/7. This was last year and as I live alone and no pets, it was just me. I spoke to my friends and family online and on video calls but the situation affected me horribly. I began to feel depressed and anxious, have insomnia and my drinking escalated. I do see a therapist and have continued my therapy with her but only in video calls the last 1.5 years. I felt anxious about dating C basically from the start but now the anxiety got worse. I want to mention also that is a really nice guy but he's not outgoing and he never really went out. His main hobby is video games and especially online gaming with his online friends. I think it was due to the fact he never really went out and was shy that he'd never dated anyone before me and he was a virgin at 30. I was a bit nervous about that aspect at first but it turned out to be no problem, especially not sexually. Everything has been fine there lol Anyway due to the lockdown and nothing else going on I've basically been at C's place all the time. He really wants me to be here all the time. Maybe normally I wouldn't be because I would be working more and seeing my friends and family. I haven't really been able to do that though and at times my shifts at work had been cut down. So I actually have nothing going on and I also much preferred to spend my time with C rather than be alone like last year. The law in my state is that in COVID quarantine you can't meet anyone, but you can be with your intimate partner. I had mentioned to C that I'm not really happy in the apartment/unit I live in. It actually belongs to my parents and it's not a bad place, but it's not great either. The units are old (built in the 60's) and there is very bad planning and acoustics. I share my bedroom wall with two neighbours and I literally hear everything. Especially the people sharing one wall are very loud. They stay up very late at night and they always slam their front door loud and my bedroom window is very close. I can't say anything to them because it's just really bad acoustics and not their fault as such. They're just talking and doing things in their own place, but I hear it all. Also all my street is is units and apartments and there are so many people and very crowded and loud. C said to me that I can move in with him and he mentioned it a few times. He's renting a very nice three bedroom house with a huge backyard. It's further out of the city but it's a quieter area and where he lives is especially really quiet and right next to a nice nature reserve. C also said he's going to get a dog and I also really love dogs. Anyway then began talking about all these things like me moving in and getting a dog and I began to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea. I completely realise it's too fast but being in and out of lockdown constantly just means I'm just sitting home alone. And I don't actually get much peace and quiet because of all the neighbours also being home 24/7 and it's very noisy. The issue is my anxiety has become very bad. I literally feel like paralysed with anxiety where my body just locks up. And I keep thinking paranoid thoughts a lot like that Chris isn't really into me as a person and that he just wanted to have any girlfriend because he's never had one before. And things like that he cares more about playing video games than me. Which actually logically doesn't seem true because he hasn't played video games all the time with me being over, but only some of the time. And I played some online games with my friends too. I realise gaming is his hobby and without lockdown I would pursue what I want too, such as go out with friends. I don't understand what's causing such strong anxiety but it's really taking over. I'm not sure if maybe I subconsciously don't really want to rush the relationship. But at the same time it's true that I don't want to stay in my apartment and I've actually been thinking that for the past couple of years. I was even considering moving out to the countryside because I wanted some peace and quiet and to rent an actual house with a garden. And maybe get a dog myself even.
  9. I'm not sure if this is actually considered cheating but I feel really guilty and bad. I'm dating this guy that I've posted about before who was a virgin before he met me, but we've had sex. I'm bisexual and just before I met him I had a threesome with a male friend and a woman that we'd previously met at a swingers event. I first had a video call with the guy I'm dating on June 2nd and we just talked online every day for about a week and a half because at the time we were in a two week COVID lockdown where you couldn't leave your house. I've been dating this guy in person for maybe about a month now. We said we are dating and we want a relationship but we haven't actually said we're exclusive in those actual terms. We haven't added each other on Facebook but he did introduce me to his Mum and to his best friend. I haven't introduced him to my parents or my friends at all. I actually like this guy a lot and I developed very strong feelings for him. I think I've actually fallen in love with him but I haven't told him that because I don't want to be too full-on. He told me that he really likes me a lot and I told him the same. Anyway so my male friend said to me that him and that woman were getting a hotel room in the city and asked do I want to join them. I actually had two free promotional tickets to go to a magic show and I was going on my own. So I said to my friend that I won't have sex with them but we could go to the magic show together and go for a drink if they want. They said OK that's fine. The problem was before I went out I drank this coffee flavoured rum a friend gave me. I only ever drink wine so I didn't realise that the rum was actually really strong and I got really drunk. I drank it straight and didn't mix with Coke or anything. I was so drunk I barely even remembered the magic show. Then after the show my friend and the woman asked do I want to go to the hotel room. I said yeah OK. We went to the hotel and we were drinking wine and the woman smokes weed so we also got stoned. And yes you guessed it, I had sex with them. I'm not sure if you would actually say I cheated per se but I just feel so awful and guilty. I like the guy I'm dating so much and I didn't actually want to do this. I mean yeah having sex with them is super fun but it's more important to me to be in a relationship with someone I like. I think I really screwed up really bad 😞
  10. So for anyone who wasn't following my original post, here it is: So I actually do really like this guy. I think he's really nice and genuine from what I know of him so far. We also do have a few things in common, even though it may not seem like it from the outset. We messaged each other every day and on our third in person date I came to his place for dinner. He cooked dinner for me and we had a few alcoholic drinks and watched a movie. I was actually feeling kinda drunk and got my confidence up and I really wanted to kiss him. I started cuddling up to him and holding his hand and stuff. He said he'd been trying to be respectful and not come on to me or anything and just spend time together. I kissed him but he seemed very inexperienced and not very good at it. Anyway we ended up fooling around a bit but really all it was I took my top off for a bit and we just kissed and cuddled. I asked him if he'd had sex before and he actually said that he hadn't. Then he said we're both drunk so let's not do anything sexual while we're drunk. Afterwards he messaged me every day again. Three days later I came over to his place again and we got Uber Eats and watched some anime. I want to point out also that both times he had a hard on literally all night and I think it was bothering him but I wasn't sure what to do about it. I mean he was right that we were drunk the first time and probably wasn't good to have that as his first time. So it was last night we were watching anime and then I stayed the night. We cuddled in bed a lot and it was really nice. We discussed about having sex and he basically said he wanted to but I'd need to take charge. The thing is I've actually developed feelings for this guy and I think about him a lot. I feel a bit silly because every time I think of him I get butterflies and just feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. So feel more like an infatuated teenager even though I'm 36 lol The thing was when he said he was up for having sex, I felt ridiculously nervous and kind of just froze. It's not because I'm not experienced at sex, in fact it's very much the opposite lol I lost my virginity when I was 17-18 and since then I've done a lot sexually since then. It's just that I've never actually been with anyone in their 30's who has no dating or sexual experience. He hasn't put any pressure on me actually but I think I'm putting pressure on myself to make his first time amazing, you know? I also understand he might think it's great and just be happy to have sex for the first time. And of course he'd have nothing to compare it to lol Oh yeah and we also discussed that we both want a relationship and we want to date each other. What I'm thinking though is, should I make his first time really special or should I actually try not to make a really huge deal of it? Like, should we go out for a nice dinner or something and then I can set up scented candles in the bedroom and stuff like that? Or should I not go all out like that and just do it? Or do I just ask him what he wants? I don't know why I'm feeling so nervous but this is a very big deal for me lol The only time I slept with someone who was a virgin was when I was a virgin myself too and just one other time when I was nineteen and this guy was twenty four and a virgin. But he wasn't really my boyfriend or anything and this was a very long time ago. Men, if you were (or are) a virgin would you want to make a big thing of your first time or would that make you feel more nervous?
  11. Hey, ENA. Welcome to part one of the new PDN5 series called "shouting into the void about his past and present problems." For context, I am a 26-year-old man. Relationship Problems and Break-Up I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (23 F), call her R, almost three months ago. Things with R were not going well. Here is why. Problems. Views on Children. I was originally open to children when entering my relationship. R really wanted/wants biological children: that became apparent we got to know each other better, and especially in the last several months. (Of course, that's totally okay). I started going to therapy for our relationship problems last December. During the course of that therapy, my therapist and I realized that there was a complex moral issue that was causing me mental turmoil. I likely didn't want to accept it because I knew it probably would affect or end the relationship. Essentially, for moral reasons, I realized I should not have biological children. After I came to terms with this and told R, we stayed together for a while - maybe a month or two - but it affected us, and eventually, I knew that would likely remain an irreconcilable difference. COVID-19 Restrictions. R was very, very, very worried about the pandemic - at their core, the worries were for good reason, because some of her family were at greater risk of serious illness. I tried to work within her parameters, but they became unreasonable and began to affect our relationship. To illustrate how far it went, it became tough to see even my small immediate family because, if I did, I would not see my girlfriend for two weeks. That extended to responsible friends, even while outside, 1-1. While I've been a responsible citizen of the world during this pandemic, I am an independent guy who likes his freedom. Additionally, I haven't always gotten along with my immediate family so well. We are in a good place now, for the first time in my life. I really value them, so knowing there would be consequences put an unfair strain on seeing them. (I tried to be reasonable - "Hey, R, let's go and wear masks the whole time?"). Eventually, hope was on the horizon because the vaccines were coming out. But then - she was fearful of all of the vaccines, too. She believed without any scientific basis (she has a degree in a natural science, so this was surprising) that there was a substantial chance that the vaccines would cause fertility issues. So, not only were all of those limitations on my seeing others becoming unreasonable and difficult, but I also saw no end in sight to them. It became too much. Sex and Communication. Though I try to be a giving partner in this department, R eventually stopped giving earnest effort here. It felt like sex was for her benefit mostly. In many cases that is okay - I am a giving partner - but I don't like feeling neglected or not working together in this department. I communicated concerns to her, but doing so just seemed to make a difference once and then the habits would continue. Intuitively, I chalk it up to being interested in different things sexually - perhaps she obliged my interests for a while. No one's fault, just incompatible here. Misc. Communication was not easy. She would not let me support her as a partner, i.e., help her with tasks like resume/applying for jobs (I help a lot of my friends with resumes, usually with success) or driving (she was for most of our relationship without a driver license - in her early 20s. Early in our relationship, she hid this fact from me out of embarrassment, but when I wondered why she was always having me or her parents driving her around, she eventually told me. I only wanted to be a supportive partner and help - she should be able to drive to see me on occasion instead of parents dropping her off). For the second half of the relationship, I paid for everything: food, dates, gifts. I understand I had a job and she was not in a steady job, but once in a while doing something like picking up McDonald's for us would have been nice. She often acted spoiled or child-like: it at times felt like I had a daughter instead of a partner. Probably as a result, I often felt uncertain and anxious about the relationship. When I sit down to really think about it, there were so many problems. Due to past experiences where I left the relationship too early instead of fighting for it, I now believe in fighting for the relationship with best efforts... but perhaps I let the pendulum swing too far the other way this time. The Break-Up. There were many other problems (see misc.), but the first three above were the primary deal-breakers. The break-up was the most belligerent and perhaps infantile that I've ever had. When I sent the "we need to talk"-esque message, R refused to meet in-person (even with double-masks, six feet apart), and so I eventually had to do it over the phone (which felt awful - like I was back in high school). While on the phone, she immediately claimed I was heartless for breaking up with her days after a friend of her younger brother's had died. I did know that there had been a death - her younger brother's friend and classmate - but intuitively in my conversations with her I was not aware that this had hit close to the home for the entire family. I asked for details in days past, and R actively told me that she did not think it was appropriate to share details with me, so we did not talk about it further and I did not pry. I had not honestly gotten the impression that this was more than a person the family had known / the brother's friend and were vaguely sad about. During that accusation of being heartless, she described the gory details to me about this decedent 13-year-old's tragic suicide and how the family was going to essentially have a grieving session that night - and impliedly I was sending a broken-up daughter back to that family. That made me feel horrible. Obviously, if a family member had passed away, I would not have ended the relationship for some time out of respect/care for R. My therapist said describing the gory details of a child's suicide and blaming me for being heartless after her previously withholding that information was manipulative. Still, I profusely apologized and felt terrible. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an exaggeration, but either way I wish that would have gone down differently. As the phone conversation went on, R accused me of being unfaithful/cheating, which wasn't true. She said also that I always messaged other women when she was over, which was not true (that would be rude - I don't do that and I'm not sure where she got that). She criticized me for my choice of friends and therapist. She further claimed I had bad timing for breaking up around my birthday/holidays. Ok, that one was probably true, seeing as we broke up on April Fools' Day. (ok so she has a point there). Anyway. Eventually the long conversation was over. We returned items a few weeks later. It was cold, but perhaps to be expected. A few weeks afterward, without using my name, she called me a narcissist and awful boyfriend on Facebook. That really hurt. My whole extended family saw it. She did not respond to me confronting her about it - she probably has me set to “ignore” on everything. At least the family was good-natured about it. My grandpa, jokingly: "well, we know you are a narcissist, but why is she posting about it!!" Thanks, Grandpa, lol. It has now been almost three months since the break-up. Admittedly, though I miss her and the relationship sometimes (and, those experiences hold a place in my heart: we had history spanning over two years), I think all signs before the break-up and especially afterward point to that I made the right decision. Moving Forward – Dates & Misc. It has been approximately three months since the break-up. I do not feel like I am clinging onto my past relationship: I had tossed and turned for months prior to breaking up. I do not feel heartbroken: I feel like I made the right decision. However, there is now an empty void where love and the satisfaction of being a good, faithful partner used to be. Dates So Far. I have not yet found a partner, but I've so far gone on dates with two different people. An attractive acquaintance and I had been having more conversations. She eventually asked me to go running with her at a local trail while she biked alongside. It was fun - she was nice, but she mentioned that she wanted kids and I didn't feel a major spark or connection. So, the conversations have mostly fizzled out. Recently, out of the blue, a love interest, call her K, asked me out to brunch. It sounded like a date and I assumed she and her boyfriend had broken up (not listed on Facebook, etc.). We've seemingly almost always had mutual interest in one another but have been single at different times (and I know previously she mentioned she might want to adopt but not have kids - bingo). We also competed in ballroom dance together and we are quite good. I like her quite a lot. I was excited for the date. I arrived. Not to be rude, but while I do and always have found her very attractive, it looked like she didn't put in any effort to get ready, while I definitely had. Shortly after arriving, she mentioned that she is still dating her boyfriend. Oof. The resulting conversations were… superficial? We talked about ostensibly deep topics, but it still felt superficial - maybe on account of me feeling guarded that she was still dating someone. She mentioned that her boyfriend and her fight a lot, so while I was puzzled why she asked me to brunch, maybe it was (1) just a friendly meet-up, (2) an ego-boost because her relationship isn't going well, or (3) a low-interest or testing the waters meet-up. I sent a polite “thanks for brunch – it was nice seeing you :)” text shortly after getting back home. She was evasive/non-responsive. Who knows what that was about - kind of confusing. It makes me think maybe she thought the conversation was superficial or forced, too. Whatever it was, I know I should not pursue her, because she is in a relationship. Still, that was a major let-down. FWB. I am in a non-public FWB with someone. We see each other occasionally – maybe once every two weeks. She is also in professional school. She's a great person, but at the moment we both only want to be friends and occasionally hook up because our sexual interests coincide. I would rather be in a relationship with someone, so it's just a meantime thing. Limits to Meeting New People & Dating Apps. Last, I want to meet people, but (1) the hopefully subsiding pandemic still limits available social events (esp. at my University (law school): speaking candidly, Zoom does not bring out my good side. I do not think I will make a connection over Zoom), and (2) dating apps, including this time around, seemingly just do not work for me. Though I feel I am charming in person, I just don't have that ~~~~pizzazz~~~~ that the men who get matches seem to have. So, if I can't get matches, I do not get dates. If I do not get dates, I do not get to be charming in person. Then I do not make that possible connection. Worries. I am especially concerned given the fact that at this time, I do not want to have biological children. I am worried that that severely narrows my potential dating pool by a lot. I would need to date someone with whom not only do I feel a connection or spark, but also one who is (1) undecided/open to children or (2) also does not want children. ____ I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am lonely and worried about the future. Perhaps, all these topics are in the back of my mind. Maybe just shouting at the void was good for me, or maybe someone might have an insight or some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading. 🙂
  12. Hey Forum and sorry about the long post! To set the scene, I am late 20s(F) dating a late 20s(M) guy I met via OLD. It's been around a month now but we've been talking for longer. By circumstances (school, work, moving countries, etc.) I'm a virgin and mostly inexperienced in the dating world, especially if the person is a complete stranger. I have done some sexual things in the past with other people but there were always with friends or people I knew from my social circles. Just haven't been able to trust anyone enough to go all the way. I am now looking for a serious relationship but want to take things slow (I rushed before and it was a bloody disaster). However, by my own admission, I am thirsty as hell and do not want to wait forever. I just don't want it to happen outside of some form of a committed relationship, in case I form emotional attachments, which I am 1000% sure will happen. I know myself that well. So, the guy I've been going on dates with has been somewhat patient with me, always checking before he touched me certain ways, etc. I made him wait three weeks before we actually met in person, I shut down a sexting attempt before we actually met IRL. So far, we've met up twice and touched and made out on both dates, so I know the sexual attraction is there. Now we've recently started sexting and I don't know if I am encouraging him seeing me as a "piece of meat" rather than a serious potential partner. He has stated that he'd be open to a relationship but wasn't explicitly looking for this, while I told him I was looking for a serious relationship down the line but didn't want to rush and wanted to enjoy the dating experience itself. So, what are your thoughts and opinions? I am aware that the best way to get my answers will be when I see him again soon but I would still like some opinions from people who do not know either of us. Thank you!
  13. Hey it's Tiny! 36-year-old woman. Live alone in an apartment owned by my parents and renting from them the past seven 7.5 years. Working as a disability and mental health support worker for eight years. Have a Bachelor of Psychology and two community college diplomas in mental health and disability. I'm looking for marriage and to have kids. I've had a number of serious relationships but they were all only two years or just over two years. I lived with one partner and was engaged to him. Now have been single for 1.5 years or so. This guy messaged me on a paid dating website which is meant to be for serious relationships. He's 30 years old and he works full-time for a big computer company where he assembles computers from scratch. Before that he worked as an IT technician support person in schools for eight years. He's renting a house by himself. He's a nerdy guy that's really into video games, Star Wars, Marvel movies, things like that. We video called for two hours because a COVID lockdown started. He seemed nice in the video call and we continued messaging each other online. He was messaging me every day but he didn't bombard me or anything. Like, if I stopped replying that day he didn't message more either. Unfortunately we were confined to only talking online for two weeks due to lockdown. When lockdown eased off we went out for dinner and saw a movie at the cinema. Afterwards we went for a drink and then just talked in the carpark for a long time because everything closed. He seemed nice but I found the conversation a little awkward but wasn't sure if he was just shy and nervous. I was actually nervous myself because it all got kind of built up by talking every day for two weeks and I was anxious that it might not go well in person. He'd been telling me a fair bit about his family online and on the night as well. I just asked jokingly if he'd told his family that he was coming out with me. He said he did and that his Mum was happy and excited. I was like, oh why? And he actually admitted that he had never dated anyone before! He said he sort of had a thing with a girl he knew from school but she messed him around or something. I didn't know if he'd had sex before or anything because I didn't ask. I asked him if he hadn't dated anyone because he was shy. He said yes due to that and also that he always worked full-time in male dominated environments and he wasn't into going out clubbing and partying. I mean, he didn't seem weird or looked bad or anything so I found all this very surprising. Then we continued talking online and he had caught up with his Dad and his sister. And he said that his Dad said hi to me. Then he also said his sister said that when COVID restrictions ease further that we should go to her place for dinner. I said thank you for the invitation but I want to get to know him more first before I meet his family. He actually seemed embarrassed and kind of back tracked and was like: "Oh, my sister just meant in general in the future that we could come for dinner eventually. I think she was just trying to be nice." It was definitely coming through though that he has no dating experience because of how full-on he was acting. Also I'm not sure what exactly he told his family about me. Like, did he say we are actually dating or are in a relationship? We met in person only once. I'd like to give him a chance but I'm worried that his lack of relationship experience could be a problem. I mean, I had my first relationship when I was 16 years old and now I'm 36. I've dated a lot and hooked up a lot and done all that stuff. Now I'm ready to really settle down and start a family. I'm just not sure if someone who's never been with anyone is a good candidate for that. For one thing if someone wanted to be with me or marry me, I'd want to be sure they actually want ME as a person. Not because they're 30 and I'm the first person they ever had. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty, I'm nice and bubbly and smart. I'm a bit overweight but it hasn't really been a problem because I'm more so chubby, I'm not huge. So I know I'm likeable but I also feel a bit like there would be that niggling feeling that the person is only choosing me because they've never had anyone else. Any thoughts on this? Do you think I should give him a chance? I like him and do want to know him more but I'm just worried...
  14. So I am a guy dating a guy. I met him on social media. We met one day and we talked for a bit. He asked me to go upstairs for a coffee. I didn't want to because I liked to keep our date outdoors, so we didn't have to have sex. What confuses me with this guy is, after he met me. He kept asking me if he wanted to date me, and told me he only wanted to have sex after the 3rd date. But later he kept asking if I wanted to have sex with him and said that he is a very sexual person. I did confirm with him that I wanted to date him, but after the first time we met, I asked him if he wanted to meet me the following week. Then, he kept saying next week and next week. I felt anxious and asked him why he kept saying next week and next week, if you really want to date then we should meet soon. He admitted that he hesitated because I was acting cold when we first met, he thought that i wasn't that interested I spilled my coffee on my shirt while we were walking, I was worried and he thought that i was angry with him He asked me to go to his apartment i didn't And finally, 3+ weeks later we met. While I was at his apartment I asked him confirmed with him that if he still wanted to date and he said yes. But then he told me his relationship history, and confessed that he had sex with another guy during the 3+ weeks. Knowing that he was doubting that if i was interested I confirmed with him that I was interested. Then, yesterday I asked him if we continue to date, will he still be very sexually active with the other guys and he only said "not very LOL", he did not answer directly. I thought I didn't want to push him because it is only the first date, so I didn't chase him. Then, a couple hours later I asked him what are you doing tonight at 7pm, he only replied me this morning at 8am. I still have not replied him, I feel like he wants a little distance. I am experiencing extreme anxiety for some reason, my body is shaking constantly my heart keeps bouncing. Please dear readers tell me what I should do, I do like this guy but I am not sure if he is really serious about dating.
  15. Hello there! Please I really need some other perspective thoughts and advice on the topic, cause it seems I am stuck in my own thoughts and I am starting to feel very sad about the situation, maybe overthinking it. A couple of years ago I met someone, nothing important happened between us, but we really clicked. Because of the conditions we decided to not make any advance, to call it quit, cause we started living very far away from each other, but kept the contact, like two times per year, just for important occasions. The think is that I did not like that guy when I met him as much as I like him right now, I have developed feelings during this time we have not seen each other. Anyways it has been difficult to meet during these years, but we have discussed it once, like maybe we could just meet, but to my opinion I am falling for him more, maybe he has changed his mind since when he said we could meet, and it has passed a long time since then (it was not possible because of covid). I feel like he is the type of guy I want to be with in the future. Now the part of the story is that, during covid, I met someone else right here where I live, I just wanted a distraction, I didn't want anything serious with this guy I met, actually I have said this since on the first date. Anyways it has been 3 months we are seeing each other, we are spending almost every weekend together, creating a good connection, but not getting in contact during week, cause this is the way I wanted to keep things with him, and it seems he was ok with this. I did not want to have a stronger bond with him, cause it is going to be difficult to call it over at the end. I have it clear in my mind he is not the guy I see the future with, but he is so good, so empathetic, so understanding, It breaks my heart I may hurt him, cause I have reached this point, where I have a great weekend with him, and feel destroyed after each weekend because I dont know how to end this. I have told him I am in love with someone else, and he has said I am free to do whatever I want, but the fact that I am with him now is for a reason according to him, and that the other guy I am in love with is not in love with me according to the guy I am dating. The problem is I cannot stop crying cause I talked to him about this and he seems to be attached to me. I cannot help myself, cause I didnt want the thing to reach till this point. I feel like I have used him just to make myself feel better for a short time and now that we are till here, I cannot say to him I do not want to continue. Actually I like being around him, we have a lot of fun, but I cannot compare him with smn I am in love with. I feel so bad cause I feel I may hurt him. And also he has had such a difficult life, and he tries alwas to make me happy and to be happy apart from what he has passed during life. He tries to adapt to my needs and necessities so much. I feel guilty and also I dont know if I could be able to enjoy now a new relationship if it comes with the guy I have loved, cause I will be thinking about how I hurt this guy. It is my fault for bringing the thing this far, I dont know how to escape from this without hurting him. But I also want to see him, I want to hug him like a friend so much and tell him I am sorry. OMG he seems like he really loves spending time with me, how am I going to do this.\ I dont know what to do, but whatever thing I may do now will hurt me. If I say to him this is over I am going to hurt him and myself because I didnt want things to go this way. I prefer him doing smth bad, like cheating on me or something, so that I can feel free of this guilt. Is there any advice on what would be the right thing to do? As per the guy I have meet some years ago I am not sure is he is still into me but I still have feeling for him. Thanks.
  16. A few years back, I posted a journal of my online dating experiences: A couple of relationships later, I was finally dumped in November and tried to get her back in March: That didn't work, so I went through some self-examination: Now I'm back in the singles game... so here's Round 2 of an online dating journal from a 42-yo guy in a big American city. I have accounts on POF & Match.com, but the former seems a bit sketchy and the latter has never yielded any results for me. So for now I'll be focusing on OKCupid, which has been pretty effective for me in the past and is how I met my last two girlfriends. Back in December 2012, I sent out about 50 messages on OKC which yielded 5 dates: JINA (29) - We went out twice, held hands on 2nd date, got along well but no real sparks. I halfheartedly asked for a 3rd date a week after our 2nd one, but she didn't accept and I didn't really care one way or the other. TISA ( 38 ) - Very professional type-A personality, talked about herself the entire dinner, messaged me later that she wasn't interested anyway, so that was it. ELLEN (42) - Had a nice 2-hour lunch but she wanted to be just friends; we're pals on FB now. IRINA (42) - We had a fun date, but I wasn't interested in pursuing further. A few months later she contacted me on FB because we had a mutual friend, and now we hang out every so often as each others' wingmen haha! Great friend now. WYNN (37) - We got along well from the first email, lots in common, communicated a lot, sex was great, we ended up dating every weekend for 5 weeks. But then I had strong reservations (some identifiable, others not) about getting too serious, plus I hadn't quite resolved feelings about my ex, so I called things off. I still think about her every day, though, and would seriously consider contacting her again if other options don't pan out. But admittedly she may not want to give me another chance, may be dating someone (after being on OKC this entire time, she took her profile down today) and I really need to play the field a bit right now before I'd feel comfortable going back with hat in hand. Then IRL, a very pretty longtime friend & former bandmate SASHA (31) drunkenly hinted very that she was interested in me when we saw each other at a club a few weeks ago. We've been friends awhile but she has boyfriend, so I took that with a grain of salt and just texted her a week later about meeting for a drink next time she's in town. She said she would, but I'm not holding my breath for a date, nor will I do anything past a hug until she breaks up with him. I just wanted to let her know the door was open. Since my last round of OKC dating in December, I have a new photo with short hair and I've edited down my profile to keep it briefer, and also to emphasize my more responsible traits that might appeal to women more serious about a LTR. I've sent out 90 messages, mostly to very attractive women so I've expected a lot of non-replies. I sent 3 of them just to have an activity partner for moviegoing (1 didn't reply; 1 agreed, we talked on the phone for an hour, but she ultimately flaked; 1 lives in another city but will be moving here soon, we're now FB friends). 11 messages were never opened. I got lukewarm replies from 2 women that didn't go anywhere. Then after a long drought of no replies at all, last week I received 4 (!) replies that showed clear interest, and here's the results after a bit of back & forth: JEANETTE (41) - Financial Analyst. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes this past Friday and have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) RAQUEL ( 38 ) - Graphic Designer. I plan on calling her tonight, but we have a concrete date for Wednesday regardless. NICOLA (33) - Not sure of her job, but she's nerdy in a good way. After some lengthy replies at first, her messages got briefer and less frequent, and though we have a date set for Thursday, the specifics aren't nailed down yet. I think there's a decent chance she'll flake. KATHY (41) - Psychologist. I've only gotten one reply so far, but it was enthusiastic, so I asked to chat on the phone this week. Still waiting on a reply. In between all these, I get around 3-7 messages a week from women I have absolutely no interest in. So 90 messages this go-around have yielded 3 dates for a success rate of 3%, down from from a 10% success rate in November. And to be honest, I'm not super excited about any of these four women yet, but I'll reserve judgment until I meet them IRL. At least I'm keeping busy this week.
  17. 26f, 35m. Had been talking to this guy for a few months prior to the meeting. He said he is open to a relationship but not with anyone (same). I ended up thinking that he was a bit too forward in the kindest way and I had gotten out of a relationship a month or so beforehand. We had some really great chats. I think he took it a bit negatively and blocked me on social media. I had noticed that he unblocked me on social media so I reached out saying it was probably a miscommunication. He responded positively and we had our first date. Said to me to come to his which we did, we ordered food to his (very gentlemanly sort of guy), attracted to each other, great chats again and we went on a little evening picnic. We both have similar interests in academic stuff. We only kissed that night. I got to his around 6 pm and left almost 12 hours later. He offered that I could stay the night but we could sleep in separate rooms or he was happy to drive me home but it was late, so he ordered an uber for me. We both are quite busy and we had our second date a few weeks later. He said it would be nice to hang again. A few days before our second date, he asked what I was up to one evening and offered movie night in PJs. Anyway, the second date comes, I got to know him a bit better and he mentioned that we're quite similar. Joked that we both mumble a lot. Joked that he is often really immature and normally people bring him out of it to stop it but I make it worse. Ended up sleeping together, not a selfish person, cuddled afterwards and had our good chats. The date went really long like last time and I got an uber home. He messaged me asking if I was okay and to send me the details of the driver. We have been in contact via social media a bit since. I'm just unsure whether he should be the one that expresses what he wants in person or do I mention that this is what I'm after. He works till the evenings throughout the week and weekend so it seems that I can only see him after work hours.He reached out asking how I am, days went by and I started to think that I didn't like it how I wouldn't know when I was going to see this guy again and that if it's not meant to be, it's all good. Immature but I sent him a text saying that I didn't like it how our two dates consisted at just his house and that I'm often left not knowing when I would see him again, I said I don't have expectations around texting. He said he would talk to me the next day as he had a lot on his plate and he is sorry for not mentioning when he would like to see me again in the manner it deserves. I knew the answer wouldn't be good so I deleted him off my social media. He sent me a very rude message the next day saying I was immature, we ended up calling and he said that he thought he would be open to a relationship but he thinks he cannot provide what I would like. I then said to him that I've only met him twice and I'm unsure myself but I do like to know when I'm with someone if they would like to see me again such as 'this was great, when are you free next?' and weirdly he said he felt the same with me. He also said something along the lines of that he doesn't hear from me for days and is unsure of how I feel. He said forget the relationship talk, that he likes me and thinks I'm cool but he asked what my expectations were regarding texting and said he would like to see me again. He said we don't also have to be sexual when we catch up, we can be friends or anything. He told me that he's meanest to the ones he likes the most. Joked that I'm so annoying as we were giggling at stupid things. The next day I said I would like to see him again but I would not pressure him but I understand if he doesn't as I don't want to waste my time. I apologised for blocking him. He rudely responded and said "I don't want to deal with this f**king bull*** right now, name. I said I've been accommodating enough and to not contact me again. He replied saying 'f***** off, mate' and blocked my number and on WhatsApp. I noticed this morning he unblocked me. Advice? I would like to see him again but I do not understand his behaviour. TL;DR guy that I would have liked to have seen again has proved to be quite unstable. Unsure whether I've done the right thing but not ever going to talk to him again. We unfortunately are very similar and have similar interests. I've noticed that he's been blocking a lot of people on his Instagram.
  18. Been dating a great girl recently and things were going amazing. She would tell me how she was so glad she net someone like me all that stuff which has made the next part harder. A guy she used to date found out she was moving on and is constantly bombarding her with messages, she was getting confused, she wants to be with me but wants to sort her head out first before anything because she can't be happy while she's confused. I told her I understand and she should take some time for herself, she wants to be with me but needs time... She thanked me for understanding, I sent her a last message saying I'm here when she wants to talk and she didn't respond , which I didn't mind because I did tell her to take time. I know it sounds daft but last night after a day of not speaking she liked my Insta pic ( I feel like a kid for even bringing that up ) but I figured if she truly wanted me out her life for good she wouldn't have done? maybe I'm just being silly but I trust that she's being honest about needing time. I was wondering if anyone thinks messaging her again in a day or two just to say hi is a decent idea? Thing is the other guy will constantly be bombarding her stressing her out even more so I don't want to cause anymore stress... Typing it out I know it seems obvious to just give up but i would rather try than just leave it in the past since I like her a lot. Cheers guys
  19. Hello everyone So met a guy from tinder 7 weeks ago and now he has ghosted me, we got on very well, a lot in common, the spark was there, he seemed nice and normal but around the 4 week mark, (I was taking it slow, as with covid, all we had being doing was walking and talking..) he told me he had gotten a sti from someone he was seeing some weeks previous and obviously we could not be intimate, so it was a shock, but ok he isn't the first and not the last, I told him ok, let's see how we get on, it's not a deal-breaker.I was more surprised as he told me he had not really being seeing people as his mom has health issues and he was calling to her house to see her, I decided to not judge too early on. I also wondered if the stuff we did had in common, really was stuff he liked or was just saying it to create a connection, it was a lot of unusual stuff in common anyways, we kept seeing each other, we spent a lot of time together, with out the physical stuff. He kept thanking me for being understanding, he had a really bad sti but nothing serious thank fully. He would talk about making plans for the future, as in dates..but he also talked about us being a couple in the future, he told his mom about me and family...we just spent 2 days together at the weekend, it was a nice weekend, felt like a friend ship as nothing physical could happen but I still really enjoy his company and im ok with taking it slow. I have not heard from him since Sunday night, I guess I'm being ghosted.. I've been on two dates in one year and half, the last guy put in 3 months of dating/effort before I slept with him..due to covid restrictions. And got ghosted by him, is this just dating now??. Why do people put in so much effort for just sex?? How do we ever know who is genuine? I've a few single friends and this is happening to them too. Why do people put on such an act??
  20. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  21. Hello folks, I probably already know the answer to the question I am about to ask, but will give it a chance Not a big fan of online dating, but after moving to a new town I gave Tinder a chance and met one girl. Started chatted on instagram and things seemed to go well but then her replies became seldom. Once, she wrote an apology saying that can’t write frequently because of her job. It was understandable, untill it took her whole day to reply vaguely to my messages. I told her, that I respect her job and her time, but if she did not find our conversation interesting, we’d go seperate ways. She did not reply for a whole week, but whe she did, she completely ignored my last message and replied to another one. We kind of started chatting again. This time she seemed more open, it was like she invited me to ask her out, so I took the chance and she agreed, Said it would be good for her because of her schedule (she finishes her shift very late). We agreed on time, I said I would give her adrress the following day and everything seemed to go well, untill the next day, she replied with the text, I am deeply sorry, I thought I told you, something urgent came up, something along these lines. Me being complete idiot, said it was ok, what about another time. Now it’s been several hours and still she did not reply. I know very well that she has 0 interest in me, but why does she come back after some time and starts chatting like she’s actuslly interested and wants to meet me? Sorry form such long post, and for my english
  22. My ex and I had been together for 10 months now. Early, he used to spend time with me, we used to talk often, laugh, have fun. He made me his world. After 4 months or so he started getting distant and stopped spending time with me. When I confronted him, he said that he thought I was using him and that his sister said I was using my past as a way to gain sympathy and love ( I had been through an abusive relationship a couple of years ago) He added he didn't fall for all that but due to cultural and religious differences he thought this was the best excuse to push me away. Drama happened we cried, talked things out and every thing went back to normal for a while. Again he started pulling back, being indifferent, preferring his friends over me. I had no idea why. But he said he was depressed and that I wasn't being supportive by complaining all the time that he wasn't as talkative and loving as before. I often felt hurt and started to get insecure about our relationship and I would get emotional over little things. He explicitly stated that his female friends held precedence over me especially one friend who he says he like a sister because he knows them longer than me. I felt upset and said that I was not his priority. He got all defensive that he didn't mean it like that. "Just because I prefer pizza over pancakes. Doesn't mean I hate pancakes." His blame shifted to me, that I am the reason he was getting indifferent because I wouldn't stop creating drama. His opinion was that I was making a mountain of a mole hill over petty issues. I don't think cancelling our date three times..or not being there for me when I have a bad day was too trivial. However considering that he was feeling overwhelmed and hurt by all the pressure I was seemingly putting on him. I promised I will try to change that. Later he asked for a break, but insisted he wanted to keep talking and hanging out with me. It was really strange that he was more at ease when on a break than otherwise. He stated that my expectations were high in this relationship and he can't keep up with them so he needs space to figure it out. He felt he was becoming numb. But we will be going on date on my birthday and that I was important to him. He still cares for me. My birthday came, he texted me a happy birthday. I asked if he would call. He simply said..no because I will get the wrong idea. I got a bit upset. I asked if the date was still on and he says "Its unlikely that will happen". I panicked and asked I wanted to talk what was going on. But he kept ignoring me the entire evening and went off to play video games. I got furious, I had held resentment from the past few months and I left a voicemail crying that I am tired of his indifference and lack of empathy. I felt unimportant and didn't hold much value in his life. And he doesn't message or talk to me again". At night he responds saying that I am only hurting myself in all this and making him responsible for hurting me. He broke up with me. After a few days we talked over the phone. He said he didn't know whether he wanted me in his life anymore. I created too much drama. I should have accepted the fact that he remembered my birthday and texted me. About the date, he said he "became " and forgot about it completely and that he was sorry, he doesn't us spending good time together. "You are not good enough"...that's what he exactly said. He was in fact paranoid and scared of meeting me. We decided to give each other space for a couple of weeks. His friend told how he had taken off a week from work since he was so upset. Later when I talked with my ex again, he stated he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I proposed maybe we should talk things through and spend some time together and see how it goes. He repeated the same thing that he was sorry but he thinks he will never have feelings for me again. Then he said he wasn't good enough for me. Some things in the past turned him off. His reasons were that it was both his and my fault for him losing his feelings. He sarcastically added that I could have a second shot at the relationship if I could reverse time. He wants to be friends though. I told I had still feelings and can't be friends right now. And have gone NC since then. I just don't understand what did I do wrong? All I ever asked was to be treated with love and respect and suddenly that is "high expectations". I wanted us back together and work things out. But I guess I hurt him too much and he doesn't love me anymore. How can he just lose feelings, in a couple of weeks and say he can never have them again? I feel guilty and sad. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. Any advice on this situation?
  23. Why do some guys wait for you to initiate, make plans or even text first? I have been on 3 dates in the past month and it's the same rigomor each time. Connections are really good, lots of talking, smiling and even an offer to hang out again, but no date set. They sit back and wait for you to get in touch & offer to meet up again. In 2 cases the guys sounded super enthused & the dates go great. But I do all the leading. Isn't that the man's job?
  24. I'm not sure if I'm feeling sensitive at the moment because I'm fighting with a friend and maybe over reacting....I met a guy on a dating app. We talked on one app first but he deleted his profile. Then we matched on another app and exchanged phone numbers. He said he wanted to talk on the phone but there is some kind of really bad issue with my phone provider. It's been going on for over a year and started right when COVID started. So not sure if it's related. Basically people usually can't hear me on a phone call, but texting and calling through the Internet is totally fine. I explained this to him but he called me anyway. I think I explained more about it in the phone call and I think I did also tell him that I already got a brand new mobile phone and a new SIM card, and it didn't help. I got the new phone for free by signing up with my phone provider for another two years. I thought the phone was the issue and didn't realise it was the provider, and now I'm locked into a two year contract. I tried calling the provider but they can't hear me on the phone and didn't help me in the online chat either. I can't remember if I told the guy all this in our first phone call, but I definitely told him some of it. Our phone call quickly cut out because my phone doesn't work and I suggested we add each other on Skype or Facebook Messenger, etc. if he likes calling or video calling. He made no comment about my suggestion. Then we went on an actual first date. I found him attractive and he seemed nice, but we only spent about two hours together. On the date it looked like he hadn't remembered things I told him about my phone. He said that I should get a new phone and leave my phone provider. I said I did already get a new phone and can't leave the provider unless I go through the telecommunications ombudsman. Anyway I explained the whole thing again and said my phone doesn't work to call. After that we were chatting on text and discussing what to do for our next date. It's not that he was calling me constantly, but rather than texting the guy was trying to call me a few times. I was surprised because I already explained to him a few times about the whole phone situation. I was only texting back hoping he'd get the message, but he still called. I had to actually explain to him AGAIN about my phone and I said if he wants only to call, we can add on whatsapp and so on and video call or phone call from there. He again made no comment about that at all. He knows I'm a very outgoing person and I told him I'm having a fight with a friend. He sent me this message: "Sounds like you go out a bit and might need to just chill out a bit, fighting with people is upsetting". I said that I enjoy going out and I'm an outgoing person. He said: "Going out is fun but it's exhausting". I must say I didn't really like what he said because we've only met once and he shouldn't be telling me what to do. I also wasn't sure what was going on regarding the phone thing because I explained it all to him many times and it's like he wasn't listening. Another thing he said to me is that he's really monogamous. He was previously seeing this woman and straight away stopped seeing anyone else but her. Like as soon as they met I mean. I think he also disabled the dating app because he only wanted to focus on her. He said he was surprised when he found out that she was still going on dates with others. The thing is that sort of concerned me because while I'm monogamous too, until I'm official with someone I do talk to and see others. I especially would never go so far as to stop talking to others straight away and even delete the dating apps. I mean, it's his choice but if he would expect me to behave as he does, I might be the wrong person for him.
  25. Bit of a weird question. So two weeks ago I went to this speed dating event. I'm bisexual so it was a GLBTIQ + event. There were a lot of people there. The host said they would E-mail everyone in four days' time to let them know if they got matches from the speed dating. I ticked off probably at least ten people or so. After the four days I kept checking my E-mail and junk mail thoroughly every day. I never received an E-mail at all, I even did a search on my E-mails. Two weeks later I asked one of my friends who was also there and they got an E-mail from the speed dating organiser and got their matches. So after two weeks I E-mailed them and asked them about it. They said I actually got no matches and sorry they didn't send me anything but they had "technical issues". But other people I know got an E-mail from them fine. Another thing too is that they said the event would start at 4 p.m., but it really started more like 5-5:30 p.m. It was on a Sunday night so people could have had dinner plans or other plans. I guess I'm just wondering whether I should just never use this speed dating company again? It's hard because there aren't many GLBTIQ events, especially speed dating ones. But every other speed dating event I went to before (even GLBTIQ) told me the next day or couple of days later whether I got matches or not. Even if I didn't get any. It looked to me like they only bothered to E-mail people that did get matches and hoped people that didn't would just get the hint. Plus they started the event over one hour later. I just think that's rude. I kept checking my E-mail and my junk mail every day for two weeks. This event also cost like $35.
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