BeStrongBeHappy

never give lingerie to a woman unless you are already established in a relationship... the better way to 'push the envelope' from friendship to something more is to just talk to her about it!! i would be extremely uncomfortable if someone 'surprized' me with a gift of lingerie when we were only friends prior to the gift. if she does not want to be more than friends, she has to reject you in an embarrassing (to both of you) way, and if she does want to take it forward, that is way too sexual a gift when you haven't even discussed things yet, would probably make her feel pressured for sex in an awkward way... so my suggestion would be to buy some little trinket that already has meaning to the both of you, i.e., some shared interest or hobby... and tell her, 'i saw this and it reminded me of you', or something that reminds you of how you met or some fun time you had together... flowers or a plant are also always good, because most men friends don't buy women flowers unless they are really interested in them, and along with the flowers, you can then tell her you'd like to take her out on a real date! good luck, and have fun!

Please try to spend some time this weekend doing things that do not directly related to him or the breakup... you need to take care of yourself, and whenever you think you are missing him too much, remind yourself that this is a person who has specifically chosen to leave you because he is chasing someone else, and has told you he *might* come back if that doesn't work out. So he has clearly stated what his priorities are and they are this new woman, not you, so none of your priorities should be him!! so his decisions are already being controlled by her (or influenced to the point that he will dump a longtime love to go chase her). this to me looks like he is an insensitive and selfish person, who is willing to jerk you around and have you hopefully waiting in the wings just in case some other woman dumps him!! we all tend to romanticize and see people we love thru rose colored glasses, but this guy has shown a willingness to drop you once already for someone else, and if you took him back, he would probably do it every single time he sees another woman he's interested in, or at really bad times in your life when you are not feeling well or at your best, so he skips off to a new playmate who appears more fun to him and leaves you crying... not a nice thing to do or a nice person. i think then in a little while, you will see this for what it is and be angry, which you have a right to be, and that anger can help you pull yourself out of grief and move on to new things... i also think once you have some time and distance from him, you will see that taking him back would cause you far worse pain than anything you would go thru now to recover from this relationship and move on to someone who thinks you are such a prize he would not dare pull something like this becuase *nothing and nobody* is worth potentially losing you over. you deserve to be loved fully, and not as as a 'good enough for now' girl he can go to whenever his latest infatuation dumps him or turns sour. take care sweetie, and keep your chin up, there's lots better than this man to be had, even tho you don't think so right now, you will realize it soon!!

i think the professional thing to do is just accept her resignation and let it play out... if she knew she was leaving, she has probably already stolen the clients and had been planning to for a long time. so allowing resignation rather than firing is always an easier choice, since you know she will indeed be gone soon anyway, and client stealing can happen anytime, even if she is not at work if she has the client's phone numbers... the other thing is, are you sure she is telling the truth about the accident? that is terrible to say, but i managed people for years and got all kinds of excuses for people wanting time off, many of them blatant lies. one kept taking funeral leave for a grandmother's death, until the company realized this exact same grandmother had died 4 or 5 times over 5 years (no, not different grandmother's, she had to supply the deceased name to qualify for funeral leave request)... so her son could be injured, or she could just really want to take more time off rather than work out her notice period... i would definitely not challenge her over the accident since it could be true and she is leaving anyway. to take the *really* high road, you could say when she calls, why don't we just say your last day is this week since you need to be taking care of your son, so you don't have to come back to work here... see what she says, may solve your problem!

it is especially hard to let go of a first love, and the hardest thing about 'letting go' is that it is not always our choice to let go, the other person makes that decision and is emotionally long gone before we even figure out that they have made up their minds to leave... since he keeps repeating that he 'can't do this anymore', i think trying to talk to him more at this point will only cause you both more pain. the best thing to do would be to step back, and as hard as it is, do NOT call him, and see what he does. you will soon discover whether what he really means is 'i can't talk about this right *now*,' or 'i don't want to talk about this *ever* because i want out of the relationship.' he has your number, knows where you live, etc. etc., and since you have tried to talk to him and he won't respond, the ball is now in his court to either change his mind about continuing the relationship or not. if you feel you need closure, if you don't hear from him at all after a week or so, you could email him your feelings in a *very* short and to the point mail that says something like 'I love you and want to be with you, but if you have decided otherwise, tell me now and i will respect your decision.' then see what he says. if you get no response, then that is a response too, it is over and as hard as it seems, you are bettter to spend time with friends to help you get thru the grieving process, and try to schedule activities that are fun for you and keep you busy. or he may respond that he is not sure and needs to think about it, or that he wants to be together and is frustrated with too many talks about the relationship, etc., depending on what is going thru his head. but continuing to press him will probably only agitate both you and him more... and a little distance may make him realize he really does miss you and want to be with you, but trying to wrestle him to the ground and force him to talk about the relationship when he does not want to will only confirm in his mind that the relationship is wrong for him. if you respect his desire to not talk about it more and leave him alone, if he changes his mind, he will be back! in the meantime, please try to spend some time taking care of *all* your needs, not just focusing on him and this... cultivate your other friends, you do sound like a person who cares a lot and you deserve someone who does want to be with you wholeheartedly!

please have faith that you are stronger than you realize and have survived so much in your young life already and sound so intelligent and just need some time and perspective to feel better about your life and have more control of it... there is an old expression that you can't choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends. your parents and sister sound like they are struggling with lots of problems, and you have borne the brunt of that, but you can certainly choose who you are friends with, so why not choose to have friends (and boyfriends) who treat you with respect rather than try to use and abuse you? it is very common for people who have been abused as you have to continue to form relationships with other people (like those stupid boys) who behave in a way that is familiar to them, repeating the abuse... you may be transferring onto those boys your need to be loved that wasn't satisfied in your family, but those *not* nice boys are no more able to give you love, they will just take what they need and bad mouth you!! that is not love, and you are entitled to find someone who does love you, and cut contact with any 'friends' who treat you badly... you can decide to grow up to be anybody you want, and the first thing you should decide is you want to try to make friends with people who are nice to you and don't use you, and turn away from those who do... i know you will forget both these boys very quickly when you truly realize you deserve better, and find new friends who treat you well... chin up, sweetie, your future can be better and brighter, and you certainly can help make it so by your choices of friends!

if you are noticing a really detectable pattern to her behavior (which is sounds like you are), including worsening symptoms related to monthly hormonal changes, then she may have a chemical inbalance that was initiated by stress of the a young child and a parent's death, or a post-partum depression that has raged untreated... anger is a common symptom of depression or she could even have undiagnosed bi-polar disorder... bouts of rage and spending large sums of money, alternating with depression, are hallmark signs of bi-polar disorder... and people with this problem can become unrecognizable to those around them, the changes in mood can be so severe for the person so afflicted. what is important is that you and everyone else can try to guess the psychological 'source' of her rage etc., but if she has a serious biochemical problem, only medication will fix it. and if she has a biochemical problem, it can be the true source of a lot of her behavioral problems, regardless of any other complicating factors in her past/current life... please be encouraged that there are cases where people with biochemical problems who were hopeless and on the verge of suicide are back to normal very soon after receiving the proper medication, so there can be relief for everyone if there is a proper diagnosis and treatment... and bi-polar disorder *must* be treated with medication because it gets worse as they get older and can even swing into psychosis depending on how severe it is, a danger to your child and yourself. so i would insist that as a husband who loves his wife that you see that she gets a medical consultation, and referral for further treatment if the doctor feels it is necessary. if your wife won't go in with you, go to a doctor alone and describe your situation, and see what the doctor says as to how to approach helping her. please check out this website which discusses bi-polar behavior to see if you recognize the pattern in her (plus other mental health issues as well): link removed she may not be bi-polar, but at minimum she is depressed and does sound like treatment is in order if it is affecting all aspects of her life and family...

why don't you try putting your budget into a PC spreadsheet budgeting program to track your expenses month to month... record every penny the first few months to see where you money is going, and then adjust your budget as you go along... people get into trouble when they either use credit cards without thinking, or just spend their cash without planning they don't have much of it! it also makes you feel more in control to have a budget and know where your money is coming from and going... i would try to find a job on campus (working for the university) because those jobs can pay better than a fast food place plus give you experience you can use on a resume for future jobs and you don't have to travel far to your job and spend money on gas etc... i worked in the library part time when i was a student, and used student loans to pick up tuition etc. and if you get good enough grades, you can apply for student stipends/grants to waive your tuition, work as a teacher's (professor's) assistant (T.A.) when you become a junior, and then you only need to pay living expenses... the other thing to remember is that nothing is set in stone... if you discover you can't make enough money to be a full-time student, then you can always switch to a full time job and be a part time student... there are lots of online degrees these days too that make that a very easy thing to do, where you get the whole degree online, and can live/work anywhere... you also want to make sure you spend the summers as an intern at a company doing whatever you are majoring in... you usually get paid for hte summer work, and they frequently hire their interns when they get out of school (and even pay their tuition)... good luck, and most of all, have fun and enjoy college life!

i think there is a confusion of terms here... there are a lot of sociopaths out there (and not necessarily violent), estimated at maybe 1-5% of the population, but criminal psychopathy is a whole different (and darker) problem... anyway, yes, i have been involved with a sociopath, lots of people are because there are plenty of them out there, and it is a guaranteed path to unhappiness... i would definitely look up what a sociopath is (and isn't) to help you understand what happened to you (and prevent it happening again if he really was a sociopath). one of the prime characteristics of sociopaths is they crave excitement and are frequently reckless (so undercover police work would attract them, any exciting job would, tho they may or may not last long in it due to recklessness)... the one overriding thing you should know about sociopaths is they are rated as the least likely to change, EVER, in terms of behavior... they are just hardwired differently than most people and do not learn from experience or other people... they can be very charming, manipulative, exciting, etc., but they do not form deep attachments to people, see other people as more a means to gratification... so love to them is really based more on satisfying a need (someone for my kids to play with, someone to take care of us, someone to give me money, someone to have sex with, etc.), but if you don't supply them with what they need, it can get ugly or they will go elsewhere and quickly! so please don't diagnose him as this too lightly, he could just be self centered or whatever, but you definitely need to educate yourself on what a sociopath is, because being involved with one usually means they strip you of money, emotion, time, etc., and you are left wondering how you could have loved someone so much who seemed so charming, but was so emotionally bankrupt that they suck other people dry to meet their own needs... btw, sociopaths are defined as having 'proto-emotions' unlike the full range that normal people have, so they don't experience attachments to other people the way we do... they may have lots of children/wives/girlfriends (excitement seeking!) but always put their own needs first, and the kids/relationships are only play bit parts in their own large drama! so they can appear emotionally quite controlled because they don't have a large range of emotion, but they do experience primitive emotions like anger when their desires are thwarted. so there is no such thing as being able to have a 'normal' relationship with a sociopatch, because they just aren't like normal people... education is the key to avoiding involvement with them, and their own involvement is so shallow, they just move from person to person and never really get 'hurt' emotionally the way the rest of the world does...

rather than focusing on what you should say/do re: the texting, i would ask yourself very carefully what you are getting into here... are you trying to get back with him again? sometimes the ex- who was less involved (or did not want the commitment) really did want you as a friend, but NOT as a girlfriend... so the flurry of texting from him could be nothing more than relief/gladness to have a *friend* establish contact with him again... so to preserve your heart, you have to be very careful not to confuse him *responding* to texting from you as the same thing as him *initiating* texting with you... if he really wanted to start up a romantic relationship again with you, he has always had your number and could use it, but he didn't until you contacted him. the next logical step would be to actually *call* him and talk to him and see what is going on with him and his life and whether he wants you back in it... it is very easy to be misunderstood in text messages, since they are so short and fired off so easily.... it could mean something to him... or nothing at all, best to find out soon before you get re-excited about him...

unless he has a *really* good reason for the change of heart, he probably got lonely or bored or hasn't found a new girlfriend yet. so unless it is a true recognition that he can't live without out, and there is a ring and a wedding in the works (to you!), i would take it as a bit of breakup remorse on his part, combined with the inability to score someone new (yet!!)... a hollow (or temporary) commitment is the same as no commitment, so proceed with caution!!

it is hard to separate your emotions out when you still want a family life with your husband, but it sounds like your husband really doesn't want to be a husband or have a family (child) at all !! it sounds like he is trying to cast his *bad* behavior in gentler terms to assuage his guilt/self image... it is easier on himself to say 'i don't want commitment' than to say 'i'm abandoning my wife and my child entirely and don't want any responsibility even though i am age 33 and a father!' so please don't fall for his own perception of himself (or the image he is trying to sell you of himself). Just look at what he is doing, not what he is saying. He does have a wife and child, whether he wants to support them or be involved with them or not, and has left them both and is not showing responsibility to either of you, while occasionally dangling a carrot that he *might* want to get back together, then jerking that hope away again. that is not about not wanting commitment, that is about being an immature jerk at age 33... if he were being honorable and adult, he would say, i don't want to be married anymore, but i will take appropriate responsibility for our son (including child support and visitation)... or he would say let's go to counseling and see if we can work this out... and he would *Definitely* be seeing his young child all the time, no matter what. none of that is happening, he's just playing your emotions to facilitate his escape from a marriage and responsibility he obviously does not want... so my suggestion would be to suggest he attend counseling with you to see if you can either work out the problem or work out a civilized way to co-parent after a divorce, and if he refuses counseling, then go about your life and business as an adult and parent and seek a separation and divorce and child support, don't let him jerk you around based on his mood du jour. You cannot force him to see his child, but he seems to think the 'not wanting commitment' excuse is sufficient to avoid parental responsibility entirely, which legally he can't do just because he has decided being a father is a drag and doesn't want to see the child or pay support for him... the other possibility one must always consider when someone bolts out of a marriage like that with vague explanations of not wanting a commitment, and doesn't pay for or see his own child, is that he is lying and covering up his true motivation, i.e., he has found someone else (or several someone elses) and just wants to enjoy himself and exit his prior life and dive into a new one with the least trouble and money to get out of the old marriage... he may know the longer he strings you along, the less money he has to pay (and the less trouble you might make for his new relationship), so please don't play the victim, investigate whether he is just playing you now to make life easier for himself on his exit from your marriage... if he is seeing other women, what does that tell you, he has time and desire to pursue new sexual adventures, but no time for his own young child?? you do NOT want to be married to such a man... a good look at what is *Really* going on with him will help you move on and reduce the emotions you are feeling... really, i can't think of any way you could call someone a good guy worth having who walks away from a 4 year old child and doesn't even want to see him... sounds like a loser to me, good riddance!!

i think that the thing you should focus on most here is whether or not she violated business ethics that are standard for your profession, and whether as a boss (or former boss) you are comfortable with any violations or gray areas she committed in the particular situation. if what she did was truly unethical (and something every stylist is trained to know), then it is a no brainer, report her!! it sounds to me like this employee has indeed violated ethics in terms of running a business on the side that is potentially stealing business from you. she in fact may be doing this repeatedly, and work at different salons for short periods of time (a year or less) while accumulating clients stolen from them for her own client list and business, until she has stolen enough clients to run her own business totally from home. So i would have no qualms about reporting her, in fact i would feel it is my responsibility, since you are also helping prevent her from committing future unethical acts against other salon owners she might work for. i'm sure there is some kind of investigation done by the boards whenever there is such a report made, so it up to the board to investigate her after that, and it is possible that other salon owners have already reported her for this, or you may be the first of many who will... regardless, you are just filing a report, not 'convicting' her, that is the board's responsibility after investigation... so no reason to feel guilty if you are doing what is ethical. re: the vacation time before quitting, most vacation is an 'earned' benefit, so you would be required to pay her for this anyway if she hadn't taken it, and i wouldn't waste any time being angry about that at all. it is ok to be friends with your employees, but recognize that the relationship between boss and employee really is based on money and an employment 'relationship' where it is your job to provide the opportunity and money, and her job to do the job competently and ethically for the money received... Feeling personally betrayed might be a sign that you need to take a step back and remember that you are first their boss, and second want a friendly environment, but can't expect them to treat you like close non-business friends or family, or be mad if they don't treat you the way a close friend would... Any emotions beyond that can get very complicated and you need to always come back to and remind yourself of the fact that money and work are the roots of business relationship... and yes, you are entitled to be angry, but it is best to try to separate out the sense of betrayal from the actual business/ethics issues... as a business owner, you can't take everything personally that employees do, or you will just implode under the stress! you also can be grateful to her for teaching you a valuable business lesson, which is to clarify *in writing* when you hire an employee what you consider ethical behavior, and put them on notice that you will report any unethical behavior you discover, including client stealing. i think that will weed out lots of potential employees in advance who take a job expressly with the intention of stealing their own client base, and prevent other 'good' employees from making mistakes they didn't realize were wrong... there is obviously nothing wrong with stylists working from home cutting personal friends/relatives hair, but starting a business with *your* clients is really wrong.