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BeStrongBeHappy

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  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    WHOA, whoa, whoa! emotional blackmail alert! plenty of people experiment when they are young and BEFORE they are committed, so he has no right to demand that you engage in activities that threaten your commitment or sense of fidelity and 'specialness' as a couple now... maybe you have changed and don't want women anymore, or maybe you don't want a guy watching you and another woman, WHATEVER, it is your right to decide what you are comfortable with, especially years after you are into a committed relationship, and if he is pressuring you into something you are not comfortable with NOW, that is not right... nothing wrong in suggesting it if he wants to try it, but he should not FORCE you into it as a threat. if he made WRONG assumption about you in the beginning and didn't talk to you about it then (i.e., expect you to have a threesome from the getgo), he doesn't have the right to try to triangulate other people into your sex life now much later, and after you have kids and a faithful family situation... there are people who enjoy threesomes or group sex or swapping, but plenty of people DO try this and it ruins their relationship due to jealousy, or just one individual deciding their sexual/personal preferences do NOT include other people in intimate situations... if you have any reservations at all, he should not be pressuring you, that is selfish... there is a big difference between fantasy and reality, so i think he needs to understand this, and if he continually pesters you for this or has an affair and then blames you for it, then maybe he is not committed to you the way he should be... if you are in a committed relationship, you have a right to expect fidelity if that is what you need, and any other undue pressure otherwise is someone who is too different from you, and maybe you should not be together any longer.
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    hormones are very high during pregnancy, lots of people feel that way, unless they have morning sickness... everyone is different when pregnant, so ENJOY!! lots of people are very tired after pregnancy due to nightime feedings, so stock up on the sex now before you are too tired and busy!
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, just remember, that tattoos might look really different when you are older and have gained some weight... they also can blur over time if not done right, look like an unrecognizable stain. also remember that if you get them somewhere really noticeable, that you can't hide with clothes, it could affect people's perceptions of you when it comes to things like looking for a job (never on the face/neck unless you are sure you will be rich and never need a white collar job)... and never with some girl's name, what do you do if she leaves you? lots of people love their tattoos for a while, then get sick of them, like a piece of jewelry or clothes you can never take off... i think that is why lots of people get them on their backs or bums, if they don't like them, then they don't have to look at them (but of course their significant others do, so please choose carefully, wisely, and SMALL until you are sure it is right for you)... one can get laser removal later, but painful, expensive, and not always effective.. some colors remove more easily than others, so do some research before you actually get one... (also potential Hepatitis and other problems, so get a reputable shop with sanitary procedures)...
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    there are some weird fungal infections out there... could he mean ringworm, or have mistaken a virus (warts, herpes) for a fungus?? i would INSIST that he give you the exact name for this, or have no contact with him... and if you do get a name from him, make sure you are protected from it before you agree to sexual contact. fungus (jock itch etc.) is usually curable, though sometimes diffucult to eradicate... so either he is not very medically knowledgeable (and not following thru with treatment), or he did not really understand what the doctor was telling him.
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    what you can do is be honest with her about your emotions... tell her the story of your grandfather, and how painful it is to you to think she may also suffer a similar fate... you might also give her any literature or links you have to show her what might happen to her... unfortunately, lots of young people think they have forever to stop a bad habit, and don't really 'get' the seriousness nor long term consequences of their behavior... they have not personally seen anyone who has died of cancer, or had someone in their family who has done so... you can try your best to educate her about this, and is there any chance you can take her to see your grandfather? sometimes the reality, not just the thought, of the consequences can snap someone out of it... he might have a far better testimony of the regret he has for putting reality out of his mind to continue smoking... and if this is truly too upsetting for you, you can insist that she not smoke around you, and if she is so addicted she cannot do that (secondhand smoke is indeed dangerous), then maybe you will have to terminate the friendship.
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    when one is with an abusive person, one is essentially 'brainwashed' to believe that the only person that matters is the abusive person... you have no rights, no independent thought or self... so you are still believing that, and need time to heal and put this in perspective... even if you were NOT abused, a husband who runs off with a skank after 11 years is not a good guy, and you have a right to see it that way, and recognize that regardless, you deserved fidelity, and better treatment than that... regardless of who you are, good or bad, he may have done this to you, because he was bored, or wanted someone younger, or whatever... happens to LOTS of women, and NONE of them deserve it... please don't focus on the 11 years you gave, but on the rest of the years you have to find a life where you are treated well and not badly... there are always the stages of grief in a breakup, denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance etc. so give yourself time, and keep up the therapy and one day you will feel your OWN feelings, rather than his feeling about who you were or should have been...
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like he is a bit of a coward... say anything to get you off the phone or to leave him alone, but when it comes to the hard part, talking about this and giving you closure, he is nowhere to be found... please recognize you have tried several times, and he is just not following thru... probably wants to be done with this, and not willing to be nice enough to give you closure... you should be angry, because after 6 years he should at least talk to you about this... but continuing to try to get water from a dry well will just frustrate you... take your anger and recognize that you DID deserve better than this, and a guy who won't even resolve a breakup after 6 years is NOT worth pursuing, even for resolution.
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    i read your other thread too... please be sure that you aren't staying with this guy because you want to be married... and maybe he is not the right guy? i think everyone gets on each other's nerves *some* of the time, but a lot of the time, no, that is a bad sign. you are not even married yet, and if he is irritating you all the time, it willl only get worse if you are married and feel trapped with him... please try to resolve what your problems are BEFORE you take a step like marriage... it is much harder to break up when married, all kinds of legal and financial issues then...
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    p.s. you will be fine in life! most of us have been totally in love with someone who doesn't work out, in fact, several someone's who don't work out... it is just really hard right after the breakup, when you are re-adjusting your life to being without the person... and usually, when you have recovered, you will wonder, why was i so hung up on that person? it is normal to fall in love, and hard when the other person decides they don't want it, but the human heart has an amazing capacity to love again, and again, and again!
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    hey... if you post and don't get a response, please try put in big letters on the post's title, HELP ME NOW PLEASE! there are lots of threads posted, and sometimes it is hard to get to all of them, and see who needs answers the most! i think you said it best yourself... 'I need closure'... it is REALLY hard to stay 'just friends' with someone you totally want, and what they want is only friends... sometimes people are hung up on the WRONG person for themselves, for all kinds of reasons, unresolved childhood issues, trying to prove they were right, etc., so her wanting her ex may have nothing to do with you, how good you were to her, or how good you were together... I have seen people leave their current *great* partner for an ex partner who was a total jerk, just because they were screwed up themselves and didn't understand what it meant to be in a good relationship. so don't blame yourself, you could be the superman of boyfriends, and if she is hung up on him and hasn't resolved that relationship, she might go back to him... you do have a right to closure, and if you have talked out the reasons for your breakup, and she is still insisting on him as a boyfriend rather than you, then she loses the right to keep you as her friend, a security blanket, while your heart is being broken. i think you should tell her that this hurts too much, you want her, and you need some space and distance from her... if she decides she wants you back, she has your number, otherwise, you need to heal yourself and find someone who does love you... if you are ever available now, she can still pursue him, and keep you in the background as the 'friend' who picks up the slack... you deserve better than that... your closure is to recognize she is seeking someone else, and you need to move on and not spend your time babysitting her friendship... you can go back to friends with her, but only when you have a new life for yourself, and it doesn't torture you.
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think the point is that she felt if her phone was lost/not working, you should do more than just nothing... i.e., go to see her, knock on her door etc. rather than just letting it go by without contacting her... she may have felt she is just not a priorty for you, and that if she is sick, you should go to find/help her, regardless of the her not answering (that is, maybe she was not answering because she was REALLY sick... shouldn't you go check on her to find out about that?) sometimes couples let things slide because they assume the other person loves them and will 'understand' if they don't get in touch... or are not secure enough to just go over to the person's house if they don't answer the phone... so i suggest you do exactly that... go over to her house PERSONALLY and tell her you are sorry and will never do that again... if you don't hear from her and she is sick etc. especially, you will go seek her out no matter what the time of day because you care about her...
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    oops, sorry OldSadMan.. i meant she was rude in the last post i wrote, not you... typing too fast, and the phone rang and i went off to answer!
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, look at it this way... if she won't wait til you have a chance to fix it up, then her cut of the money will be less... she will just have to take what she gets, and if she complains, you can say, well, you're the one who wanted it rushed on the market! i know this is hard for you, but sometimes when someone is being as rude and inconsiderate as she is, best to resolve the situation as quickly as possible so you can get her out of you life and move on... take your half of the profits and buy some peace of mind and freedom for yourself from the witch!
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think this is more about who he is than who you are... maybe he is just like this and takes a shot at women, and some of them will bite and agree to it... not an indication of who YOU are, but an indication of who HE is... since you agreed to meet him for coffee outside of work, please be careful about filing a harassment complaint... if he was pressuring you to do this on company time, or at work itself, then you could do something about it... otherwise it is your word against his, you have no witnesses, and he can claim that you lead him on by accepting invitations for activities outside of work. this is a very gray area (seeing someone for coffee/dinner/drinks outside of work), and he could always claim that you were the one stalking him, and are filing against him because HE rejected YOU... don't do anything since you do not see him in a normal business day... just walk away, and recognize that there are many wolves in sheep's clothing out there, and don't accept invitation to socialize ALONE with men outside work... even if you are married, some see it as a potential invitation for more than just coffee...
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    actually, lots of those people you see now are on their 'starter' marriage and will be available again very shortly! i don't mean to be flippant, but lots of people marry when they are young and not fully formed in their ideas, then divorce around 30 and are looking again... so from what i can see, you just missed your starter marriage, and can go straight into a mature marriage rather than a trial one... keep looking, keep dating, weed out women who are not appropriate, and you will find someone... it only takes one, and marrying in your 30s just means you will be married 35 years at age 72, rather than 40 (and maybe only one marriage rather than two or more!)... drop in the bucket you see, so enjoy and keep looking...
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    sometimes adult children don't appropriately separate from their family... i.e., they keep getting sucked into the unhealthy dynamic, and don't set the proper boundaries... her first commitment should be to the marriage and you now, and if she is constantly sucked into an unhealthy family drama, then maybe you should insist you get counseling (with her) so that she gives herself permission to not let that crazy family dominate her life, and affect your marriage because she is always dumping her emotions about them on you...
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    one has to approach a relationship as something that needs to be fed to stay alive, where the fire needs to be stoked... even a good fire will burn down to nothing if you don't tend it and add new logs to the fire... so to keep the spark, you need to do special things now and then that keep both of you interested... make sure you have date nights like you did at first, getting out and doing things, making the other person feel desired and special... and there are many books etc. that one can get about keeping the sexual spark alive... and fun toys, clothes, etc. you can order online or through shops... and role play with her... if she says she dreams she meets a stranger, maybe you can meet her somewhere are if you were that stranger, then ask her what things she would like to do she's never done before! this doesn't have to be all the time, but often enough that you don't give in to the doldrums... some couples have once a month special date nights, some once a week where they do special things to try to keep each other surprised and fresh... also, surprize her with things like flowers or dinner out (or in) for no special reason, or whatever she used to like when you were first dating...
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    actually, i've heard this called the 'houdini syndrome' after the great magician who did disappearing acts, now you see him, now you don't... the guys who do this usually have commitment problems, and sometimes they disappear right when you are getting most close and intimate, because they don't really want that... and many of them can't even commit to a breakup (they want to leave the door open just in case they change their mind), so they just kind of disappear and don't even break up with you, and you are scratching your head thinking maybe you did something wrong or something happened to them, but they are just too cowardly to have the discussion, and want to leave the door open in case they change their mind... and they frequently show up later like nothing has happened, with a 'hey, how are you and let's go to dinner' just like nothing happened! and they usually have some kind of fabulous (unbelievable) story about why they disappeared on you, and try to get back in with you again... but the reality may be he wanted to pursue some other woman for a while, or got bored, or whatever, then he comes back round again if he has a dry spell with other women... but the truth is, this kind of behavior is very cruel, because you never get any form of closure, and you are worrying what you did wrong when it was NOTHING wrong, just a cowardly non-committal guy who wants to wander in and out of your life according to his own needs and schedule... so unless he was in a coma and could not dial the phone or email, there's really no excuse for this, because it takes just a minute to send someone email to update them what is going on even if very busy... you have to remind yourself he is not staying in touch becuase he does not want to stay in touch, not for any other reason... so don't be confused, guys like this are not worth having, they are so insensitive to other people's feelings and only work their own agenda... (not just guys who do this of course, women do too, they just quit taking a guy's calls without explanation....) best of luck, and find someone whose favorite trick is NOT a disappearing act!
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    No, not pathetic, just your real feelings! breakups almost never resolve immediately, and it takes times to work through them all... you broke NC, but i think you also got some resolution to questions that were still in your heart and some closure... which is good! maybe you really needed to talk about that so that you didn't have false hopes... and now you are grieving, but this is good because that means you are accepting the situation and recognizing you have to move on... that is the hardest hurdle about a breakup, realizing it really is over, but once you get over the hurdle, your recovery is really beginning! best of luck, and if you need to, take a buddy with you when you go to get your stuff... that might make it easier, go faster, and someone to talk to about it once your stuff is out...
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    hey... i'm chuckling over the idea that only americans would 'put up' or engage in this kind of lewd behavior... what about all those British prime ministers or house of lord's who get caught by the tabloids in scandals wearing women's stockings and lingerie and spanking each other in private sex clubs? and david beckham has been seen wearing a skirt and cheating on Posh when he was out of town... men (and women) behaving badly when their partners aren't around is a universal thing i'm afraid...
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    wow, this surprises ME!! i haven't ever heard of someone breaking off an engagement because they weren't surprised enough by a proposal! really, how could he ever read your mind to begin with to know that this 'surprise' was so important to you?? life is full of many, many disappointments and many fantasies that don't come true, but a lifetime of happiness with a great person you love is far, far more important than 5 minutes out of your life when you get proposed to... i don't mean to be cruel, but you should grow up here and not be so unrealistic about throwing your life away because some fantasy proposal didn't happen the way you planned it in your own head... please suck it up and make up with him if you love him... or decide whether you can deal with a worse surprise: he might dump you if he thinks you are so shallow as to break an engagement because of something like this... it could destroy his trust in you, and make him wonder, am i going to get this kind of big deal upset every time something i do disappoints her? it is very stressful for most men to propose because they are worried about your acceptance... you really aren't considering his feelings here, just acting like is was supposed to be YOUR big moment, not a shared moment and the beginning of a life together... sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but you really need to get real here, or you might lose him entirely...
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    i'm not sure what favour he is trying to do by NC with you... has he gone back to her, and just neglected to tell you this, or just done a runner on the both of you? he is either overwhelmed by the whole thing right now and doesn't want to be with any woman (maybe afraid you will get pregnant too?) or maybe he is debating going back to this woman who is pregnant... but either way, the best thing to do is to let him be... if he is overwhelmed, he may need some time to think, and if he has decided to get back with her, then you need to respect that since that is his decision... i am sorry, i'm sure it was quite a shock for you, and those kinds of unexpected pregnancies when someone is on a 'break' are alway very disruptive of everyone's lives... but as much as you love him, you can't be supportive of him if he has made a decision to be with someone else... please send him one last email and say you would like to know why he has made this decision, is he back with her? he at least owes you the truth why he is doing this, but sometimes people chicken out and can't deal with a breakup, so they just kind of murmur some excuse then slip off... he has your number if he wants support from you... that is really hard to accept, but it sounds like he has made a decision to not be with you, and maybe go back to this other woman, regardless of what he told you about not wanting to be with her... or he may just be overwhelming, but either way, leave him alone for a while after you email him asking him why he is doing this, and see what he does...
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    hey, i know this is upsetting for you, but people usually have more than one child, and love all their children, girls or boys, so this is not going to be his only child, he'll have some with you and love them just as much... and tons of people have stepchildren and children with more than one person, so this is something people deal with all the time, and don't take as a tragedy... i think you are very hung up on the idea of a single, perfect marriage, no other complications or children from elsewhere... i'm not criticizing your feeling about that, but you are getting worked up about something that is very common these days, and you really need to decide whether marrying this person, and accepting his child from a previous relationship, is something you can do or not... you have to truly accept this, and this child, into your life and marriage, or both you and he will end up bitter and most likely break up. if you are going to resent this child, or be angry with him, or feel sorry for yourself because you don't have your dream relationship/situation, then you need to seriously consider getting some family counseling right now before you marry... i know this is hard for you, but you need to accept this is how it is with him, or find someone else who doesn't have children with other people if you can't take it this situation and it upsets you too much... that little girl is going to need everybody's love after she is born, and not a stepmother who resents her or sees her as someone who destroyed someone else's dream family... best of luck, please try to put this into perspective and decide whether your idea of a dream family is more important to you than the particular person you want to marry... if you can't accept this little girl into your home and heart, then you shouldn't marry her father, they're a package deal now, no matter how hard that is to accept...
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    I think you should go with your feelings, but talk to her first about if/when she wants to get really intimate... if it feels like a go for both of you, make sure you have protection (practice putting it on first), then go with the flow and have fun... it is a huge deal for you if you're too worried, but if you spend a lot of time warming up (making out) first, i think you'll both be ready to go... it really is quite a natural urge, and a little fumbling is always normal, especially when you're new together, so don't make it too big a deal in your head... but tell her if you really are too nervous about it, if she's crazy about you, she won't care, as long as you're having fun and treating each other well.. but if she does ask, don't lie, not a good foundation for a trusting relationship.
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    if you are afraid for yourself or your possessions, then there is no reason to stay with such a person, even try to be friends because he probably doesn't know how... but you need to protect yourself, so please consult a local woman's shelter or domestic abuse hotlines to get information on whether he might be truly dangerous or not (they do educate on this), and ways to get free of him without endangering yourself. men who are truly abusive are also usually obsessive, and have an overwhelming need to control their girlfriend, seeing her more as a piece of property or possession than as a human being with her own rights... that is the bad news, since you are possession, he feels he 'owns' you and can discipline you or harm you if you anger him enough. but the good news is that once someone like that tires of you and finds a new girlfriend to focus on, you will be irrelevant to him, and he will no longer care what you do since he is focused elsewhere... but it is a delicate balancing act to get away from guys like this without incurring their wrath in a dangerous way, since they must always feel in control, and feel justified in harming anyone who displeases them... so please get educated to decide whether he is just emotionally abusive, or potential dangerous... then make your plans accordingly.
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