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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. To start, my girlfriend and I (both 24) met in college. We've been together for over 3 years. About a year ago, she decided she wanted a cat. I said no, her family said it wasn't a good idea, but she said she needed one to support her emotionally. So she got one. Two months later, the cat is causing problems for her. She says it's because the cat is lonely all day by itself, so she gets another cat. We lived together at that point, but we split things off and moved apart. We weren't connecting, we weren't spending time together, we weren't doing anything. I spent all my time away from the house to avoid the cat smell, hair, etc. Then 3 months later we decide to get back together, we couldn't stand being apart. We each had our own separate leases though, so we didn't move back in together. But now it's coming up on time to sign a new lease, and we obviously want to live together again. But I don't want the cats still. I finally told her last week that if she wanted to live with me, the cats have to go (you can think that makes me a bad guy if you want). She counters with saying the cats aren't going anywhere, and that I need to make the decision. So, the question is, does this problem have a resolution? I never wanted a pet, I made that clear. And perhaps it wasn't smart to get back together again with her, but it seemed like a less important problem. She suddenly can't imagine life without her cats.
  2. It's time to actually make a journal and stick to it. Even if no one but me reads this, it's the cathartic properties of actually expressing my emotions that I aim for. Well, here we go. Day one. Today I had no real plans other than to do some gardening. After my morning routine of rolling out of bed, I got a call from my sister to ask if i could pick up my niece as she was unwell at school and my sister couldn't make it there to get her. I dropped her off at my mums house, had a chat with her and then headed home to get started on my front yard. I moved into a rental about 6 months ago, and it was a mess. The previous renter left junk everywhere, the front garden is an overgrown mess. I have been making my way through every room in the house, cleaning walls, carpets, everything. Making progress, but the last thing I have to complete is the front garden. Thankfully, it didn't take long. Nothing some headphones, gloves and hedge trimmers can't fix. Lately I have been pondering what it would be like to just fly off of the radar. Sell most of my big belongings, sell my car, buy a van, and just travel from town to town picking up jobs and seeing the country. It's obviously not gonna happen, but it's something I can't seem to shake. I think I am overwhelmed with everything that is going on currently and I just wanna escape it all. However, I'm staying strong and trying to find my place in this world. I have been in a really healthy relationship for the past 6 months. We met through a mutual friend, neither of us expecting a relationship. As time passed we became closer and closer, learning more about each other and realising how compatible we are. We were housemates together for a while when I moved away for 6 months, which helped me determine and learn a lot about her. We adopted a cat together and recently decided to take the plunge and get a dog. We both live active lifestyles and play sports, love camping and fishing, don't really like the night life. She is the kindest, gentlest, wonderful person I have ever met. I am blessed to have her in my life. My mental health has been very up and down lately, but I have been working hard to get back to stability. It was recommended to me to ween off of my antidepressants as they have been making my mental health worse. Since I have been cutting down on them, I am actually more stable. I can feel happiness again and not just a constant white noise. I have so much motivation and actually get things done. Still waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist for ADHD medication, but I have dealt with that for my entire life so I will be okay. The depression and anxiety is still there, but I am dealing with it much better now that i can actually feel emotions again. I think I will finish this for today, can't think of anything else currently,
  3. I;m thinking about my next painting and I was just wondering what people generally like. (would love to sell some of them too!) Would it be.. 1) Landscape- Nature, seascapes, mountains trees 2) Cityscapes - Streets, lanes, people walking, shops 3) Portraits - of people or famous celebrities 4) Animals- Cats, dogs, wildlife 5) Still life- Flowers, glass, decor 6) Nudity 7) Food- Dessert, drinks, Wine 8) Automobile- Cars, bikes 9) Culture/Architecture- Holy places, Dance, Music, Historical sites 10) Geek Art- Movie/TV/ Comic/Fiction- Batman, Superman, Avengers Thats all I can think of. What would you like to see?
  4. There is absolutely no point to this at all but if you're bored, then have a read and imagine with me if you will, along the way of this little tale. Oh and by the way, please pay attention, I shall only tell this story once. It isn't Grimm's Fairy Tales around here you know. Now then, imagine yourself every day. You stand by the signpole for the bus stop. You're out there waiting to go to work, waiting for the bus that comes along every morning at 8:05 am. Why 8:05 am? Just because. So, every day, you wait patiently for your bus to come along. And, every day, before the bus, along comes a dog. Now this dog, he's not hurting anything or anyone, just having his morning rounds and a bit of a piss here and there. He's not turning over trash cans, chasing cats, picking fights with other dogs, swiping small children's ice cream cones or menacing people like some low rent hoodlum dog might do. No, he's a nice dog that just trots along and minds his own business bothering no one and he always stops and has a piss on the light pole on the corner at 8:03 am. Why 8:03 am? Just because. Now, imagine with me if you will, one Saturday night some fool of a person manages to crash his car right into the signpole for the bus stop and wreck it. Smashed car, smashed signpole and a fool in the middle of all of it. What a mess. I would not want to be this fool of a person when he has to tell his wife he crashed the car and smashed up a bus stop signpole along with the car. I imagine she would want to smash in his head for crashing their only car. But, that would only cause even more smashing up now wouldn't it? It might even smash up some of her favorite crockery or perhaps a cookpot or pan or two. Let's just dispense with the smashing for now before this becomes too bloody and someone or something really gets hurt here shall we? Now then, where was I? Ah, yes. The poor long suffering wife of this fool who started off all these crashing and smashing problems. She now has to take the bus to work instead of the car. But, there is no more signpole for the bus stop, and not quite knowing where it was supposed to have been, besides inside the front of their only car, and she knows damn good and well it doesn't belong there, she must walk three blocks down to the next bus stop signpole. In the rain. To catch the 6:40 am bus. Why 6:40 am? Just because. Let us also not forget that this fool who crashed his car into a bus stop signpole smashing them both to bits, also has the added expense of having to pay to replace said bus stop signpole. Along with car repair bills, hospital bills, crockery, pan and cookpot replacement costs and making up for lost wages from the time spent out catching buses to go purchase said replacement items, arrange car repairs and having his head examined. But, I digress here, so let's carry on then shall we? Now, imagine with me if you will, that bright and early come Monday morning, along comes the bus stop signpole replacement crew to fix the damage caused by the aforementioned fool. They arrive at 7:12 am. Why 7:12 am? Because they were supposed to be on the job promptly at 7:00 am but they were running behind messing about gathering up things, having a nice little chat to their leisure, enjoying their morning coffee and donuts making everything all sticky around here, and I fully intend to dock their pay for twelve minutes worth of work at the end of this story. Bus stop signpole replacement crews can not be allowed to slack off and just willy willy about all they would like. This is not the road repair crew after all. If they wanted to slack off and report to work whenever they felt like it, they should have joined the road crews instead. Those people do just whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, with all of their barrels and traffic cones and diversions and things. Oh dear. Please pardon my little rant and for not staying on topic. There really is no excuse for such poor behavior on my part. I should not take my frustrations about slacker road crews and bus stop signpole replacement crews out on you. I do apologize. Now then moving right along, somewhat anyway, imagine yourself on Monday morning being awakened at 7:12 am by a series of loud booms accompanied by a horrific banging and clanging noise and followed immediately by the most godawful, teeth rattling hammering noise and the many thuds of something heavy being dropped somewhere. Lets also add in the sounds of a half dozen or so coarse and grumpy men jacked up on caffeine and sugar, shouting, cursing and laughing at one another. This doesn't quite make for a very good start to the morning now does it? Eventually, the ear splitting racket and offensive conversation ceases. This is followed by the sound of a diesel truck cranking over and moving off. You look out from under the pillows you've stuffed over your head to dull the noise and see the time is now 7:40 am. Why 7:40 am? Because I thought it would be nice to have a time ending in a zero for once in this story. Also because now I do not have to pay that slacker bus stop signpole replacement crew for a full 30 minutes worth of work for that particular job. It should have taken no more than 15 minutes to begin with, but I strongly suspect at least one of them was guilty of leaning on a shovel the entire time and not doing his bit like some road crew man. We must get you off to work so, imagine with me if you will, you jump up out of bed, race to the bathroom, shower, get dressed, comb your hair, brush your teeth, finding a loose filling caused by this morning's racket that now you'll have to have attended to, and you rush outside by 7:58 am. We'll not have that little thing asking about the times any longer please. I'm quite sick of it by now aren't you? You already know what I'm about to say anyway so lets just say you're quite quick with the morning ****, shower and shave routine and be done with it all right then? No offense to the ladies present. So, you are now happily outside in plenty of time to catch our usual 8:05 am bus but there's quite a shock of a mess in front of you. That slacker bus stop signpole replacement crew has botched the job completely. They haven't replaced the signpole like they were supposed to, they've torn up the sidewalk and strip of grass next to the curb and dug a very large hole in the ground and left a massive pile of dirt right next to it. For what who knows, but if that fool gets his car back from the repair shop before this new mess gets fixed properly, he just might crash the car down into that hole. In which case, I believe his wife would be fully within her rights to simply leave the fool and the smashed up car down there and cover them over with that large dirt pile. After all, who would want a twice smashed up car? Either way, car crashing fool or not, you're not worried about this. It's not your mess and the bus stop signpole replacement crew did do a fairly reasonable job of placing high visibility warning tape and, Ah Ha! I knew it! road crew traffic barrels! around the mess of a botched up job. I shall be having a talk with this particular job foreman regarding these barrels later. Now then, before I start off on a new tangent of traitorous bus stop signpole replacement crews and raise my blood pressure again, we'll just continue along and I'll try to remain focused on the story at hand. Being that you are not worried about this mess of a botched up job, falling into the large hole or tripping over a giant pile of dirt, but you are worried about catching your 8:05 am bus, you walk just past where the bus stop signpole should have been and proceed to wait next to the light pole on the corner. The bus driver knows you well and you are confidant he will stop for you even though there is no more signpole. It is rather nice to be the one with some common sense in this story now isn't it? After all you are not the car crashing fool of a person that will be in quite a state later on this evening. Imagine now please, that while you are waiting patiently as always, from around the corner here comes that nice dog, just trotting along, minding his own business, not bothering anyone, making his morning rounds like he does every day. Again, as in every day before, promptly at 8:03 am the dog reaches the corner and lifts his leg to have his nice little piss on the lightpole and pisses all over your leg instead. You are quite shocked and irate and about this and so you kick at the dog who quickly hurries away grumbling under his breath in dog language about uncouth and rude humans. It seems that is not such a nice dog after all. Some nerve he must have for pissing down your leg! Or perhaps the dog is actually a stupid dog and hasn't the sense to tell a lightpole from a human's leg? In any case, you are now in quite a conundrum as your bus is due along in less than two minutes, you are soaked to the skin and all down inside your shoe with dog piss and you can not go to work that way but have no time to rush back upstairs, wash and change before the bus arrives. So, you give it up as a lost cause, walk back to the front porch, sit down, call your office, inform them you'll be late to work and get fired. It seems your now former boss is the wife of that car crashing fool and she's entirely fed up with men and their feeble excuses about bus stop signpoles, cookpots, smashing, crockery patterns and head trauma. What was that? What kind of a story is this? It's my little made up off the top of my head story that's all it is. I just so happened to wrap you right up in the middle of it and had you not been daydreaming away over there and pretending, or skipping important portions, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. What do you mean it's not your fault? This is all your fault entirely! I told you at the very beginning to pay attention and had you been paying attention you wouldn't have been standing next to the light pole the dog pissed on every day at 8:03 am like clockwork while you were waiting for the bus to arrive. So don't go blaming me for all your troubles now. What's that? This is a terrible story? Well it wasn't until you decided to interfere with it but that's quite all right. You are entitled to your own opinion after all but, since that's what you think, very well, then, I shall leave you out of my own little original stories from now on. Good luck with finding a new employer and someone to do your laundry. You shall get no references from me and please do be careful not to fall into that giant hole or over top that large dirt pile on your way out. I will not attend any lawsuits, injury bills or otherwise as the mess is properly marked off and clearly the responsibility of the road crews since those are road crew barrels out there and not the properly designated and assigned bus stop signpole replacement crew markers. Perhaps the road crew man leaning on the shovel will care to hear your complaints. Goodbye
  5. My son sent this Message to me from overseas, "Ugh, I am sooo drained!!! Tell me a story mommy?" Worried about what my little one had seen and was going through, I tried to think of what story I could tell him to ease his weary mind. My child, my beautiful child, so far from home, in a place desolate, war-torn, out-numbered, and feeling alone. Subject: A story , I love you Here my son lay down and rest your eyes and will tell you a story. A story that is told in hushed tones with reverence by the First People, it's about a Principle Chief and his never ending search for his scattered tribe. Once there was a tribal Chief, who related to the Principle Chief, and he and his people's dwelling place was in the foothills of the great smokey covered mountains which was the home to the Principle Chief. So awe inspiring were these mountains that the tribal people were afraid of them for thunder resounded and shook the ground near the base as the lighting crackled and lit up the sky and all the while the wind whipped through every nook and crany creating a sound like the howling of a wolf. For many moons these tribal people lived peacefully in the foothills, until a jealous and revengeful dog soldier, who had once been a trusted son of the Principle Chief, chose to steal and destroy and scatter the tribal people. This dog soldier and his band charged in and left nothing but destruction in their wake. Soon after the Principle Chief grieved for the people, his people, he then set out on a quest to gather that which was scattered, to return that which had been stolen, and to restore that which had been destroyed. So grieved was he that the thunder and the lighting and wind which he had contained at the top of the mountains broke free along with the fire that was contained in the belly of the mountains. He then sent these elemental warriors and scouts to the lands beyond the foothills. He used a gentle wind to whisper words of encouragement to his people, not to give up hope- that he would find them and bring them home and a fearsome wind to blow through every nook and crany to help find his people. The thunder thunder above and below ground shaking and uncovering that which had been stolen and hidden. The lighting lit up the night sky making it as bright as day to aid his people who were fearfull and trembling. The Principle Chief did indeed find his people and they rejoiced and celebrated and lived in peace again. The First People hold to this story as it is true, they know that in time this story will be their story too and they wait patiently for the time of its telling. As a reminder of his promise to the First People, he caused all the tears shed by the tribal people to cover the land as flowers and grass, he even caused the catus to grow as a reminder of the time of pain and suffering represented as the needles and the time of restoration as the flowers which become fruit and the branches or leaves the contain water which is nessary for all life and changed their name to the Principle People. My son this is the legacy that is passed from me to you through my blood, the blood of my people. I am Cherokee and Shoshone, as are you, the word Cherokee comes from a Muskogee word meaning 'speakers of another language.' Cherokee Indians originally called themselves Aniyunwiya, "the principal people," but today they accept the name Cherokee, which is spelled and pronounced Tsalagi in their own language. In the beginning the world, Earth (Elohino) was a round ball of water. The land base that was developed for Ani'Yun'wiya, the "Principal People", was Turtle (Salitsule) Island (Amayeli) now referred to as North America. The story is told of ropes being hooked to four different locations of the Island and then secured in the upper world, just for assurance that the Island would not sink in the great waters. The universe is believed to be made up of three worlds, the upper (peaceful - color yellow), the lower (chaos - Earths core, orange/brown), and the center, (here where we are now - color green), to be kept in balance between the peaceful - upper and the chaotic - lower words). These are three of the seven sacred directions. There are seven sacred directions. Up - Down - Center North (juhyvdlv?h) - color blue (sakonige?i) [for the cold north wind (unole)] - also representing trouble and defeat. South (juganawv?i) - color white (unega) [warm south wind (unole) - also representing peace and tranquility]. East (dikvlvgv?i) - color red (gigage) [for the rising sun which sustains life and also representing the color of life's blood]. West (wudeligv?i) - color black (gvhnage?i) [the setting of the sun and coming of the moon which gives no warmth or life - also representing death]. Translation Source: Cherokee-English Dictionary, Durbin Feeling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Ani'Yun'wiya lived by the clan system. This system was not only part of the government structure, but also a part of family structure and deemed who one could marry and could not marry. The mothers side was used to trace the family. The clan system is still used today by the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians. This system seems to help greatly in balancing government powers and seemingly helps to give all a say in community concerns. There are seven clans. Blue - Sakonigei (from the color of a type of plant used by the clan) Wild Potato - Nuna Gehyahtahi Bird - Tsisqua Deer - Ahwi -- (western dialect) Ahawi Wolf - Waya' Red Paint - Asiwisti Gigagei -_ (western dialect) Disuhwisdi Gigage Twister or Long Hair - Agaluga Ustihgv?i Ganvhida Colored feathers were worn to designate which clan the person belonged. Later, AC (after Columbus) an eighth clan was formed: Keetoowah ----- (UNCLASSIFIED)
  6. I miss my dog I thought I missed the girlfriend So I came in here to mend We were best friends right until the end No I don't mean the friggin ex I miss man's best friend I miss that mutt But I don't miss the peeing and chewing All that expensive furniture ruined And the bites and the hisses No I don't mean the darn dog i mean the ex missus I miss the pooch But I lost custody battle When the ex threw out her rattle And other toys out of the pram Now they're both gone I only miss that dog Sam
  7. Can't find reason to carry on, All color drained from my life. Said you couldn't stay, now you're gone, Lost my friend, my lover, my wife. Try to fit the pieces back in place, Still gotta face the morning sun. But I've grown so weary in this race, I ain't got, the strength, to run. So tell me please why don't you stay, I sure could use the company. No reason for you to go away, And take, your love, from me. This old dog is outta' tricks, Can't even stand to learn one more. Now bound with chains, torn with whips, Since you left, my ring, you wore. The house that we built stands alone, Nobody lives between its walls. Built from wood, love and stone, Like you, and I, it falls. So tell me please why don't you stay, I sure could use the company. No reason for you to go away, And take, your love, from me. All I loved and held dear, Has left me without rhyme or reason. So as I close my final year, In this, my final, season. Maybe one day just you and I, Will have another chance at this. And we'll meet in paradise, Your lips, again, I'll kiss. So tell me please why don't you stay, I sure could use the company. No reason for you to go away, And take, your love, from me. So tell me please why don't you stay, I sure could use the company. No reason for you to go away, And take, your love, from me. No reason for you to go away, And take, your love, from me. And take... Your love... From me...
  8. Ok, well to preface this a bit, it isn't meant to be like... really deep and hidden symbolism and stuff... I mean it as kind of a cute little poem I wrote up tonight, and will be reading it to my LD girlfriend who I havent seen in a couple weeks... anyways, here it is!!! Dear Elizabeth, I have never had a dream come true, until the day that I met you. You’re all I think about day and night, All I want is to cuddle up, and hold you tight. The girl of dreams, I know this for sure, Started in your car, listening to the Cure. “Just like Heaven” the singer says Thoughts of us together, rush to my head. Our first night together spent stargazing, I knew that this girl was going to be amazing. Driving around town with no destination Weeks later, lost in a subway station Thinking back on the New York trip it was the best That was the time I realized I truly was blessed Making wishes in the fountain I still remember mine, Hoping that our lives would always intertwine. Spending our nights together at the Star Bar, Knowing that you would never be far Your smile makes my heart skip a beat Being in love with you makes me complete. These days now alone break my heart I pray for the time that we will never be apart. You say we’re Love Cats and I do believe And now that we’re together, I don’t ever want to leave. Elizabeth you truly are the greatest girl ever, I want to spend the rest of my life with you forever
  9. That lion, It’ll eat my children. Kill it; get it out of my sight, That animal is the enemy. A car hit little Billie the next day. Why won’t they find someplace else to live? Get out of my house; get out of my sight, This belongs to me. Eagles don’t pay taxes. Superior, far more powerful, I inherit the right to slay this earth In the name of procreation. I’ll fill the world with carbon copies of myself Watch me Who cares? I heard it’s politically correct to pick your butt. Hand your friend a cigarette I win. Little Billie had a pet rat. I threw it out the window. Goodbye. A young girl dies alone on the street
  10. permanent glue permanent marker permanent two all-day sucker there ain't a thing really guaranteed to last now I smell the rain clouds are gonna come on fast flower in bloom flower bright color flower too soon gone by summer the best crash one that you can walk away from where it lies and I can pretend I don't ever mind goodbyes chains do break frames do topple planes do collide keep yourself buckled fur will fly sweater unravel woman do cry welcome to Babel, son nothing stay white here everything it cover in mud horse lose shoe bird lose feather dog losing you gotta have weather the best crush one that you can walk away from when it dies and I can pretend I don't ever see your eyes parts of dolls will survive us all and millions of sh*tters but none of our walls hey now gotta walk away when it dies
  11. I have been wondering if it is possible that someone is too much like you then is that a good thing or a bad thing? I met a nice girl, so far been on 5 dates in 2.5 weeks that I’ve known her. The funny thing her personality is EXACLY the same as me in every single respect. We are both ENTP (search Myer Briggs on the internet). both adventurers(engram), We both see the world in the same way, both are optimistic extraverts, both see spirituality in the same light, both like to independently investigate truth instead of taking it as face value, both courteous & polite, both generous, both are like cats when it comes to affection (purr, scratch me under the chin), both like a lot of exercise and healthy food, both have nearly identical childhood experiences, both have been in similar style of social groups, both love traveling and seeing the world, both value equality of men and woman etc , both have similar parents, her brother is just like my sister, she has the same occupation as my mother, both are entrepreneurs, both like strategy games (her favorite is chess, I think that’ll change once I teach her Go), both are creative inventors, both like dancing and skiing. The list goes on and on. Actually I can’t think of a single thing that is different about us (besides what’s between the legs). I’ve heard that it’s sometimes good to have some differences from your partner, and if you are exactly the same then people can get bored of each other etc. apparently it is good to have someone slightly different that will complement your characteristics. Has anyone ever had problems because their partner was too similar? i don't know how we handle disagreements as it's too early in the relationship and we haven't had a single topic that we've differed on, i guess how people can cope with inevitable differences and fights really effects the long term perspective of a relationship. Is there such thing as being too similar? Or is this a match made in heaven? While cuddling last night she said that she sees me as a mirror of her own soul and can grow from reflecting off me. That sounds very deep to me. She’s already made several similar comments in only the last 2.5 weeks that I’ve known her. I guess this is around the stage then people express all their emotions and where people make decisions if dating will turn into BF/GF etc. I have to admit I feel more comfortable around her than anyone I’ve ever been with. But I also know this is just the honeymoon stage of a relationship, so who knows what happens down the track. I just like making some predictions, if there is anything I need to keep my eyes open for to steer things in the right direction. I know this is just the honeymoon stage of a relationship, in the end a relationships success largely depends on people’s communications and how they deal with conflicts. As it’s only the honeymoon stage and we are so similar we haven’t had any conflicts yet, so I’ve got nothing to judge our conflict resolving capability until something comes up. What is everyone else’s experiences? Has anyone ever had problems because their partner was too similar? Or is this just a match made in heaven? Well, I guess I’ll go with the flow and keep seeing her as long as we enjoy it.
  12. This is a pseudo-poem I worked up that is about the many years I spent as a child at the beach during the summers as part of a youth/young teen activities program. "Nostalgia" The taste of overly sweet, ice-cold beverages on eighty-degree days. The smell of hot dogs at the food stand run by a humble gentleman, the cheap white lawn chairs and tables vacant. I was his favorite customer. Back indoors playing billiards with the cool kids, blue dust on my fingers. Old chalk resting beside the new. An overly-used Playstation controller and a box of jewel cases. I sink into the couch to nap as the perfect summer breeze flows through the room, the front doors wide open, the laughter of children on the other side. Radio is on, the latest hit played for the second time today, followed by a call-in. The cute girl who I was too shy to talk to, her smile, falling hard. Her friend knew it, an uncomfortable shrug. I knew her since grade school. A hike up the steep cliff by the old traintracks, afraid to grab the swingrope, but watched the others. Fresh dirt all over my shorts on the descent down. The picking of fresh blackberries, some gone from the bucket before our return. The sun begins to set as my father walks in to drive me home for the night. We talk on the way back, squinting even though the window shade is pulled down, gazing out into the horizon. A company party on the beach grounds late into the evening, bonfire burning with fresh meat and homemade potato salad on the picnic table, the wood so very old. Not too interested in mingling. And as the years passed, my time there faded. But so vivid still are the times it was my second home.
  13. Isolated. Encompased. Stuck at the bottom. Imprisoned in the core. Down in my 30-foot mud-lined dredge of lonliness my cold, watery, untamed grave of depression, I tie another defective noose, anxiously awaiting my demise. As the water flows in, I reminisce of days where I invisioned what never was or will be, o my innocence; how I covet it so, as I seal my fate of liquid glass, shedding the remnants of my soul. In the final moments of my own mortality, I see why this martyrism must unhinge my chains; As God's pet, I prefer myself put to sleep, rather than be eaten by the inevitable tumor within. Here I be; God's pet rat, dying another premature, ghostly death. Praying for rain, the injection of salvation as my brothers; those beggars, thiefs, liars, and incorrigibles smirk at another veal's slaughter. Here comes the water...
  14. Tears keep on falling, Hearts keep on breaking, The last conversation is stalling, My soul is for the taking. And when you cry, I wipe those tears away, Yes when you wished to die, It was upon my shoulder you lay. But when the table turns, And its my tears that are streaming, When the pain simply burns, Your face is still gleaming. Theres nothing to worry about, The light is still in the sun, Theres no reason to pout, Theres no reason to run. Deep inside my heart, I know you'll never realise, No one ever thought i'd one to start, No one ever thought i'd be the one telling lies. Student councillor, Library monitor, Office assitant, Debater of the year... Kind, sweet, shy, A face with a smile, Never a tear to cry, Willing to walk 100 miles. Straight A's, Teachers pet, Nothing keeps me at bay, My future is already set. The disguise i used, The easiest way, To just pretend i'm amused, Never thought the price would be so hard to pay. But now my disguise has faded, And the fears that i made forbidden, Are no longer shaded, Are no longer hidden. Gone are the As, Gone are the awards, As they stare in amase, Its me getting rushed into the hospital wards. She tried to take her life, One whispers to the next, No one ever thought i'd hold the knife, No one ever thought i'd write the suicidal text. And when i awake, People look and stare, Say i'm just another fake, Say my life was easy to bare. But no one sees the hidden tears, Yeah no one sees the hurt, They saw what they wanted to after all the years, No more fears...
  15. we all have our moments it's something I've learned black is never out of reach we take our deadly turn don't lift me, I can stand don't lift me, I can stand it's just the things I'm not expressing have my head inside my hands call off the corpsman stay here in my sight every dog has his afternoon each cat his frozen night don't touch me, I can't stand don't touch me, I can't stand it's just the things I'm not accessing have my heads inside my hand how fey is man
  16. i broke NC last night with an IM to my ex - she kept changing her pics on her profile from out dog to pics of her (never used to)..so i was finally tempted. i initiated contac, we spoke about the dog and her uni work she then asked me how i was and if i had a new car? i replied no at which point she said it was nice speaking and she had to go..she then asked again if a had a new car and i replied the same and then she logged off without so much as a goodbye. Now dont get me wrong it hurt...but it also showed me : what the ? what is this girls probs she finished with me and then tried to be my friend and i said no at which point she became one minute nice and next horrible. My point is 1 month from not speakin and 2months from finishing i realise that the girl has got issues and this last convo has confirmed this....and although it hurt i think in the long run im better off rather than constantly thinking "is she thinking bout me?" when she obviously isnt and doesnt care anymore for our 2 year relationship...so it!!!!
  17. He works at the place where I take some classes. He's always been nice to me, but lately, he's been more, kind of flirty, and I really don't like it. He's not far in age from me, and we've both lived in the same area a long time, so we have that stuff in common. But.. he's kinda disrespect and insensitive and I really don't feel he "gets" me, if you know what I mean. I'll give you an example.... Two weeks ago he asked me if I had wanted to join him and one of his friends at a club downtown. I cannot remember if the friend was playing or not, but he said he's let me know where the place was, so i could join them there. That was a Friday night mind you. I'm in the downtown area all night, and never get one phone call from him. I cannot call him either as he doesn't have a cellphone. He calls me back on Saturday, raving on what a great time he had.. How much he danced.. ladie da... ladie da... When I asked him why he never bothered to call me and tell me where the place was, his answer was, well, it was just a little hole in the wall, I didn't think you'd like it! Well, most of the clubs in this town are little holes in the wall. It's not like this is such an exclusive area that we have real upscale clubs. Most of them are dives or old buidings that have been renovated. I was really upset cuz I spent the whole evening alone. I had just had to go to the veterinarian's office and pick up the ashes of my dead dog too, so, honestly, it wasn't a happy evening. It would of really lifted my spirits if he would of invited me to the club. But instead, he never bothered to call me even! He knew my dog had died the previous week cuz I spoke of being really sad over it. He does other stuff that kinda really bugs me too.... Also.. this whole component of him coming on to me, really creeps me out. Finally the other week, I told him, Look, I don't ever want to have anything but a platonic friendship with you. I didn't see the reason to have him think there was a chance for something romantic with me, cuz there's not! He was acting at first like he just wanted to be friends, but now when I come visit him at his house, he walks me out to the car. I don't think it's just to be nice either. I think if he thought there was a chance I wouldn't rebuff him, he'd make a pass or try to kiss me. I don't have many friends in the area, but this is getting too much. He's also rather narrow minded about alot of stuff which i find insulting too. What do you think?
  18. So I'm thirty years old been down the break up road before which never gets easier but always gets better...eventually. That I know. I'm not really looking for advise on how to get over this breakup or how to deal with it persay but just looking to vent and get your opinions on my situation. I started dating this girl a little over a year and a half ago. I have been in some pretty screwed up relationships in the past and say that thee were so many red flags with this girl but I ignored every one. I suppose in the beginning I was just sexually attracted to her (she is a playboy playmate) but after a month of hanging out with her I began to see a really wonderful person that I could see myself being with. Her and I both had some vises that were conterproductive to ourselves and a relationship. I am a successful guy that could afford to go out three or four times a week get bottles of booze at the clubs. I worked hard and played ever harder. I was into coke when I was out few lines here and there but only when I was drunk. I had the ability to go out never buy if it was there it was there and go home at a reasonable hour. She did not. She was really into it. I knew that two people up to this type of * * * * was a recipe for disaster right from the get go. Seen it a million times. When we first started dating I was trying so hard to quit partying this way and was kind of over it. She wasn't. When we were together at my place everything was fine, when we were out together everything was fine. When she would go and do an event or a job somewhere she was just a totally different person. It was like Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde two totally different people. She really hurt me. But I always took her back. She would go to LA or Miami for work and would obviosly be partying and I was kind of an afterthought when she was gone. I would get so pissed at her and she would just run not wanting to deal with me or the situation. When she would get back she would come running into my arms and like an idiot I would take her back. The last few months were just hell. I have so much resentment for this girl that I was unable to be the happy person I was before. My self esteem at an all time low, confidence shattered. I've never been in this situation before. I suppose that I am being repayed for all the times I haven't been all that nice to women in my past. I'm a bit of a flirt and have killed a lot of really great relationships with actual girl friends because I slept with them. I was able to have sex without any thoughts on how it would affect these girls. I was so naive and feel terrible about it now. Carma is a * * * * *. Anyway, so we aggreed that she should move out for a while (oh ya we were living together) and let things cool down. She left and it's been a month and a half or so and I talked to her quite a bit in the beginning but always knew this was for the best. I have come to the relization that this girl sadly is not for me. She is hurting inside and so am I but I am doing things to change and she is not. She would call and I wouldn't answer, she woud text and I wouldn't respond. When I did answer all it would do would ruin my night or ruin my day. I loved her but knew that talking would do nothing for ME. Her stuff is still here, her cats who I have fallen in love with are still here but she won't come and get them. I've asked her to come and get her stuff so many times and she just blows me off. Feels like I'm being taken advantage of to be honest. She calls crying "just wanted to hear your voice" text me saying she misses me but its all self serving and to keep things going till she finds a place of her own...i think. I know this is all over the place just needed to get it out but I spoke to her last night and basically begged her to get her stuff and cats and let me heal. Its been almost two months since she left here but having all this stuff here make it hard to start healing. There is a constant reminder of her all over the place. Its driving me nuts. If you took the time to read this thanks a lot. This site has been good for me in the past and just needed to vent a little. C
  19. i am at a point rigth now where I am just so mad and angry at myself for believing what my ex said. he called me last weekend to tell me he missed me and this was hard for him blah blah (i posted about this earlier)... He called me yesterday to chat because he was leaving out of the country so he wanted to say good bye before he left. we didnt talk about whether or not we were dating anyone or anything, but he kept saying how he hasnt made any friends and how he is having a hard time. He has a puppy that I adore and he kept saying, he will be your dog one day! i was thinking to myself, are you stupid, i dont want your dog!!! the whole time we were talking i felt like he was hiding something from me. i didnt want to ask him, so i just ignored it. Today morning, for some odd and scary reason, i was checking my voicemail on my cell phone, i dont know why, but i accidently dialed his number (cause i havent checked my VM in a while an I am used to dialing his number, which is an easy # to dial) and it went to HIS VM and i found a message from some girl saying how she missed him and hope he is having a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was shocked, and i tried it again, and it didnt work. I mean my ex and i used to share a plan together, but this never happened .... what is this? Was i meant to hear this to give myself a kick in my A** to let him go? Why is it so easy for a guy to move on so quickly, is this a rebound? Why does he keep CALLING me then!!! I am so mad at myself for believing him. I had a slight array of hope that maybe something will change in him and he will want to give this another shot, i wasnt counting on it though ... now i dont even want think about him anymore. I mean, WHY call me and tell me those things when you are out there trying to meet girls!!!! I dont want to be his friend, at least not right now and i just dont know what to do about myself. Why am I so weak when it comes to him, i feel like he still has control over this situation and it is killing me. i dont want to loose him and I hope that someday we can be friends or even better work things out, but i cant believe him right now!! I want to move on from this, its so hard for me to let him go completely. i am not upset at the fact that he is trying to meet new people, but it would be nice if i met some people too.. i dont even know where to start! I pray every day for god to help me get him out of my mind, but its taking so long!!! help me out here please. What should i do other than strict NC ... i didnt think he would do this to me so soon. I just want to tell him to STOP CALLING ME and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
  20. my ex SMS'd me at around midnight while i was sitting with my friends. saying she wanted to talk to me about something, i told her that i was leaving in around half an hour and that if she wants i can walk by her place and we can go to mine to talk (we live 5 minuts away from each other, cant talk at her place cuse she lives with her parents and her mother wakes up from just about anything). we got to my place and just talked, i started by asking her if she is absolutly sure that talking to me wont cause her more harm then good. she said she prefers to distance her self gradualy (which is something that i could understand, but she could also be fooling her self) anyway, we sat and talked, mostly about a conversation she had with her mother which might have been a rather big brake through in her relashonship with her (big big problems between them and both have big personal issues). we talked for around an hour and a half to two hours i think, we both said we are hurting, but didnt really go into details. then i walked her home (has issues walking around alone in the dark) while giving my dog his late night spin. had an acward moment at her building when we both wernt really sure how to say good bye, we ended up with a friendly hug (really really short) and good night. the entire situation for me is really confusing, i care about her, really really do, but i suspect i might have just fallen out of love, i cant find any way to justify walking away. i just know that we both lost ourselfs in the relashonship. logicly i am worried that this will cause her a great deal of trouble in braking away from me, but i just cant see my self pushing her away, she is way to important to me. i really wish i would feel something, anything. i have been completely blank for 10 days now, getting pretty scary, just have no emotions what so ever. bleh.
  21. Contrary to popular belief, I think that victims of abuse who have been violated feel very responsible for what has been done to them. I know I do. There is always the thought that....if only I had known, if only I had been thinking smarter, clearer, if only I had seen what I didn't want to see, if only this and that.......then I could have prevented this. I feel very responsible for what has happened to me because I did not have to make these poor dating choices. I could have walked away and gotten out at anytime and I should have. But I was not strong enough and because I didn't, I ended up getting burned, hurt and badly broken. I had some false assumptions and beliefs such as "men who have cats as pets can't be bad" and I had trust issues that led me to waver inbetween trusting too little and way too much. Since going to therapy, I understand how I got myself in these situations and how I tolerated bad behavior and bad treatment. I am very shocked and surprised at some of the behavior I accepted in the past. These same behaviors would have me running out the door these days. So I feel very responsible for my choices. I feel very responsible for staying and letting it drag on. I feel very responsible for not walkinng away and being very strong with my boundaries. And because I feel this responsiblity, I blame myself, I feel guilty and I am always wanting to go to the past to change things. I want to believe "no...this couldn't have happened...not to me...what was I thinking." It's a very heavy feeling. I feel so much pain and disgust. It affronts my very dignity as a human being. My self-respect is very important to me. I have learned that the only way to stop abusive behavior isn't to have firmer boundaries (because he will break these), it isn't to change tactics....the only way is to walk away and have no contact permanently. This is against my basic nature which is very forgiving and tries to be kind and compassionate. But it is what I have to do to protect myself. So my question to those who have survived is...Will I ever be able to forgive myself, let go and forget? Can I really forgive me? Will I be able to look back and feel nothing about what happened? Will I be able to feel better about myself? How can I forgive me? I feel the need to punish and beat myself up to hurt myself for letting this happen to me.
  22. Firstly Hi all from a lurker who has found these boards invaluable in the last few weeks. In a nutshell I split from my Ex a month ago....he was 23 years my senior and whilst we were happy together in the UK once we moved to Cyprus for his retirement 2 years ago things just went totally pear shaped. I at 38 still wanted to work and was not ready to give up work, he on the other hand wanted to sit and relax (no problem with that at all) unfortunately this involved large quantities of alchohol and when drunk he indulged in battery of the emotional type (deep joy) I managed to keep control of this by not listening and just removing myself he was always very apologetic in the morning! About three months ago he surpassed himself by sleeping with a Prostitute and catching something very very nasty and infectious.......He was majorly ill and hospitalised for a week plus the entire small village where we live knew all about it...(thanks Pal). We talked at length and he admitted for the first time in 4 years that he did in fact love me and was in love with me, and that he had been a complete idiot and wanted to try again if I was prepared to. Well I agreed to try again and within 4 weeks he was back to his normal arrogant drinking self again. One evening he got drunk (shock huh!) and laid into me about the fact that the house was a mess, he hated the dogs, my mother was a drain on my time and so were my horses in effect he wanted the freedom to do exactly what he wanted and I was ruining his life, I calmly told him fine I will take my poxy dogs, my poxy horses and myself and go live with my Mother unitl I can find somewhere else to live. So I moved out and went back a week later with a friend to remove my things, he arrived down at my mothers hose that evening frantic that he had lost his mobile and wanting me to help him find it I did go up the following day to let him some of the numbers from my phone that he needed. OK no contact initiated again......2 days later "I've lost my passport" sorry mate no clue you'll have to look for it again or get in contact with the UK Embassy for a replacement. 3 days later "I'm in the mountains having a great time" uh super, "I think I may have left the hose in the swimming pool can you go turn it off" at this point I tell him that if he is indeed having the time of his life that maybe it would be a great idea to get all aspects of it under his control and stop bothering me. So come on guys why do I miss him soooooooooo much, I have re-read my journals for the past 2 years and I have obviously been so miserable for 90% that I feel I should be jumping for joy! Yet I itch to call him and see him again, I think I am in danger of only remembering the good bits. Is this merely the feeling of limb loss that you get after a long period with a partner???? He has told me since the split that he was seriously considering asking me to marry him after the hospital incident (I would have been wife no:3). He is also saying he was much hurt when he was ill recently and he felt my schedule didn't change to nurse him and he had visions of how it would be when he was old and ill the final gem is that he loves me to pieces is terrified of being old and lonely but is not prepared to put this above his need to make the most of his final years....i.e. travelling around the island in a four wheeler getting drunk sleeping in it overnight and bedding anything that passes. Sorry long post and a bit ranty
  23. Hello I'm new here & so desperate. I had a Jack Russell terrier called Lucy, as all dog owners say, she was the best, so beautiful, clean & humanlike. She was about 15 years old & recently started acting confused, not eating much, tail was down, no interest, going a bit deaf, but as dogs can't talk, we didn't know the prob. We knew she had a bad tooth & maybe that was distressing her. We went to the PDSA in uk, which is a vet for people on benefit as my parents are pensioners & they gave her anti inflammatory & anti biotic pills, saying it was old age. They don't do scans or anything as they are a charity & is too expensive. We couldn't feed them her as she got aggressive & it was a physical impossibility to give the daily dose! Friday morning she started chattering her teeth & having violent seizures, her head, legs & body moving so intense & her eyes looking so scared i was much, it was hard to take. We took her to the clinic at 5.30am & they sedated her & told us to phone back at 10 am, we did & they said they had monitored her every half hour, bringing her out of sedation & the seizures started again, this happened for 7 hours. The vet said if she was to stay alive, she would need permanent sedation, no life for a beautiful dog. Thing is my mum is depressed & i have anxiety, her marriage is just a habit after 47 years & they aren't close really, the dog was everything to her, she treated it like a human. She says now it was all she had & is the final straw. Guilt is a sign of shock & bereavement, as is anger. She says she knew it was more than old age & blames me & my dd for not taking her earlier, but still the vet would have said old age & given her pills, who knows. She said she would have paid thousands to make her well. We all have cried non stop, i am taking valium like sweets, i see her, hear her, dream of her, smell her & we are all in total shock that she is gone & wewon't see her again. Can anyone empathise. Our world seems in tatters, i can't study, my mum is in bed with high blood pressure & i can't do anything to help, my dad is feeling guilt as there is tension between them & i worry about his health. I have read the below topic about pet bereavement & empathise with Max. I just know that she was put to rest whilst sedated, so she knew nothing about it. I just can't believe i won't play ball with her again, or see her chase cats. She was the best, so clean & always scratched at the door when she wanted to pee etc. I have lots of photos i can't begin to see. I've had to move her bed, her bowl, her toys, her chews, her lead etc. I'm so upset & don't know when this will end. Can someone help please Gary
  24. One year of job hunting... Turned down 16 times... All this time I am trying to get out of a job I absolutely hate. If I think I am remotely qualified for something, I apply for it. I recently applied for a job a little higher up on the ladder where I work now. I don't hate the place I work at. I just hate what I do there. Yesterday I was interviewed. The interview went fantastic. I was told "unofficially" that I had the job. The Vice President of the company even recomended me for it. Today I went to work knowing this was the day they were going to give me the news. It wasn't good news. I was turned down because I don't have a driver's lisense. The list of qualifications never once mentioned this was required... If anyone is wondering the reason is medical... I was so upset I went home early. The vice president gave me permission. One of my co-workers stopped at my house on her way home because she was concerned. Everyone at work is saying I got fired. She told me who got the job. The person who got the job hasn't even worked there a year (5 years for me). Once this person was given the news she went back out on the floor bragging to everyone about all the money she will be making, she even said at one point "Yea, come Monday I'll be a big dog and you guys will all still be peons, haha!" I guess today she was told to do something and her response was "I don't have to do that, I'm not a little person anymore." She can't even work the hours this job requires. The hours are 8-4:30, and she can't even come to work until after nine. BUt I guess they are going to make a special exception for her. Jeez... So tomorrow I have to go back to this hell hole and deal with her bragging all day. I don't know how to deal with her. Yes, I'll act like I'm ignoring her, but inside I'll be upset. This is just not good. I'm sick of seeing bad people have good things fall right into their laps, while agter five years at this place I've gotten nothing. I'm a model employee. I really am. I hardly ever miss work. I'm always on time, I do my job well, etc... I'm just getting tired of it. I feel like a real loser right now. I just can't get ahead...I have suffered depression because of my job. I hate getting up and going to work every morning.
  25. Consider adopting an "older" dog or cat from an animal shelter. Also be sure you can take care of that pet. Consider it a commitment. As an animal-lover here is a story and a poem that really touched me: Both were taken from this website: link removed There's other great info on that site too.... BellaDonna
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