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About Me

  1. Hi guys, I am a 31 M that is recently broken up with a 27 F after a 2 year relationship. It started off amazingly as all things do and we did so much together. We were different in our interests but similar in our desires to settle down and build a life for each other after a few months. We saved money to build our future and constantly talk about kids etc After a year and a bit things took a dip. We argued a bit. Her saying I was controlling and her showing an aggressive streak. Two trips away were almost ruined and I could not recognise the person before me. 6 months ago she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She had increased her studies and a lot of stress built up. She had a lot of low days where I stood by here and held her as she cried. She began counselling and was put on anti depressants. She queried people I became friends with at work from the opposite sex in my new job and became jealous. She had been horrible to me at stages but I loved her so much I blamed the depression. Her aggressiveness increased with name calling over the last few months. Then she would shower me with affection. I thought to leave months ago but I wanted to stand by her. I even mentioned to her mother should I leave and give her time. Anyway we went out. We planned to move in together and were actively looking for an apartment. We rented separately and it was awkward seeing each other at times. We needed out own space and planned to purchase a house in the next year or so. Aftee a wonderful trip 1 month ago where we created such amazing memories and got on so well the issues recommenced. I discovered she smokes. Something she said was a new habit and hid from me. I detest smoking and she would say she would stop. And then smoke when I wasnt around but I could smell it off her clothes. This really upset me that she lied. We broke up 2 days ago. Her citing she needed to love herself before she could live anyone and our relationship was toxic. She told me things I never knew before. She had smoked for the 2 years we were together. Something she had denied multiple times. She had taken out a credit card 1 year ago after we discussed the cons of it and we agrees it was a poor idea and that we should cut back on savings. She always said she never had a credit card and then admitted she had one for 3 months after lying to me continually. When we met she said she was single 2 months. However she has just told me that she broke up with her bf the day after the night I first met her. (We exchanged numbers only) and dated the following week. And finally she has admitted to be unfaithful in her last 2 relationships. Which has me shocked. I cant eat or sleep thinking about this. She says she is still attracted to me and never cheated on.me. she has never lost attraction for me physically. She says she I more mature now. She is a very attractive girl and would get attention easily. I am shocked after 2 years I feel like I dont know this person. I am sick because I built my future around her. I have not slept in 2 days and barely ate. She wants to continue as friends as she seeks help to love herself and asks me to get some help for my attitude stringent ways which she says can be controlling. I feel I cant continue as friends. I feel so betrayed. How could I trust someone like this.... I feel I've wasted 2 years. All my friends are settling down engaged married buying houses and I felt this was the one. I dont even know what to tell people. I am almost embarrassed. Any advice is welcome please. Had anyone been in a similar situation?
  2. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  3. Hi. I was in a relationship with my ex for 9 years. I ended up breaking up with her about a year ago after having long standing feelings that I could not fully commit to her. There was no cheating, no abuse, no major arguments or anything like that. It was just a gut feeling based on some concerns that I had that I could not shake. I brought my feelings up with her half way through our relationship and we eventually separated after 9 years It's been about a year since the breakup and I have since moved to another country. Now that I am single again I miss the times we had together, her personality, I can see how much she meant to me and that I was lucky to have her in my life. In a way I can't ever imagine finding someone else that has the same qualities as my ex. My problem is I'm not sure whether these feelings are due to the grieving process of splitting up and the downsides of me being single again or whether they mean something else and perhaps I made the wrong decision to break up with her in the first place. How do I know which is the right feeling? We got on great during our relationship. Personality wise she is genuinely a good person and fun to be around, always positive, humble, easy going and not materialistic. Never starting arguments and rarely ever in a bad mood. She has a great sense of humor and a sweet endearing outlook on life. From my point of view our relationship felt like we were best friends and companions rather than lovers and I always felt I could be myself around her. I felt reassured in life having her by my side. Every single day her personality put a smile on my face. However certain red flags played on my mind throughout our relationship, preventing me from fully committing and which lead me to initiate the break up. Despite being emotionally attached and loving her in one way I felt that I was no longer emotionally attracted to her. Despite continuing to enjoy each others company until the end this also affected the physical aspects of our relationship. Throughout our relationship she was always really bad with her own money. Taking out overdrafts and exhausting them, taking out loans, then taking out loans to pay off other loans and eventually taking out payday loans from multiple lenders to live month by month . It was something I realised she was doing early on, the letters coming through the post etc. I always said I'd rather she be open and honest about her situation and perhaps I could help her out but she simply did not want to talk about it saying it was under control and that it was none of my business. What concerned me more was this seemed to be a pattern of behaviour over many years rather than a situation she needed to get out of. If I had paid all her debts off I wander whether she would end up back in the same situation in a year or two. What concerned me was also her attitude to the situation, just ripping up the letters and throwing them in the bin rather than dealing with the situation intelligently. Job wise and for her age she also earnt much less than I thought she could have earnt. She has some great qualities, is well organised, great interpersonal skills and always put the hours in but I always felt that she underplayed herself and lacked confidence or ambition. From my working experience I can honestly say she was worth double what she was paid. Despite offering to help her step up the ladder she seemed to be happy with where she was. This in itself isn't a major problem but being paid so little was part of the reason she was so much in debt. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't want to better her situation. She smoked cigarettes everyday of our relationship. In itself not great for a partner who doesn't smoke but she had more reasons than most smokers to quit. Before we met she recovered from an illness and had a second shot at life. Part of me expected her to get real and be more serious about life, her health and quit smoking. Not only was the physical aspect of smoking a turn off for me but I considered her decision to not appreciate and take advantage of her recovery by continuing to smoke as more of a turn off. She always avoided discussing or dealing with difficult situations preferring to just ignore them. In the early days I always felt I was open to help her with anything as long as we could talk about it and be honest. Whether it be a relationship issue, her debt or any issue that we may have had together. But anything too difficult or sensitive to talk about or overcome she would rather pretend it was not an issue and just carry on as normal. This meant that we never really talked about the important stuff eg. each others needs, wants, how each other felt in the relationship. She had very few interests, hobbies or activities. Despite having a fantastic personality she didn't do a great deal in her spare time. She rarely exercised and as a result was out of shape for most of our relationship. Her family are from a different background to my family. I don't know whether this played a part but in my opinion her family seemed to have different priorities in life than mine. I was basically in a situation where I was no longer emotionally attracted to my partner. I felt that she made poor life decisions (money, career and health) and was not willing to discuss these issues or change. Would these red flags give most people cause for concern? Did I make the wrong decision in splitting up? I miss her so much but even now if we got back together I still don't know how i would feel. It's as if over time I love and have become emotionally attached to someone who doesn't share the same outlook in life as me. Bottom line is nothing was changing and if I was going to commit to her I would have wanted her to change. When in reality I have no right to expect anyone to change. Part of me feels sad because I miss her. I wander how will I ever meet someone with the same kindness, good heart and easy connection that we had again. Even after 1 year apart I still don't feel motivated to date again and think of my ex most days. On the other hand despite being together for so long I do wander whether we were just incompatible as romantic partners. Just interested in some opinions please and how I can make sense to move forward. Before anyone replies by saying I did her a favor, she's better off without me and deserves to be with someone who is completely committed, there's no need to make me feel bad, I know all this. Every conceivable guilty thought, viewpoint or scenario has been through my head a million times.
  4. Boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, he was a smoker when we met (cigarettes and otherwise) but before we got together he had expressed the desire to quit. I have always encouraged this, but thus far it hasn't happened. He has cut down, but at this point I'm not exactly jumping for joy over this little win. Last weekend, when discussing budgeting, I told him his smoking was a problem, that I didn't like it, and that I didn't want to fund it/go to the shop for him anymore. I asked him to set aside his own smoking budget, and be in complete control of the habit, as I didn't like it. He got very stuffy about this, ended the conversation, then went and smoked in the bathroom for a good half hour, and then ignored me til 3am. He woke me up when I came to bed, said "sorry the day has been sh*t ", then was confused when I wasn't 'in the mood'. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, no he didn't, then off he went to the couch for the rest of the night, and took the day off work the next day. Admittedly I didn't try to bring it up again the next day, and to his credit he hasn't smoked in front of me since. But things are very 'off'. We don't live together (used to, but I moved back in with parents a few years ago to save money), so we converse through text during the week and only spend weekends together. I'll try to go and see him during the week, but I don't like going to work with my hair smelling of smoke, so I'm admittedly not there that often. He knows this, categorically. Anyway, the texts all this week have been very stilted, and it's now weekend again and he's still being off with me. It doesnt feel like a healthy relationship to me, I feel like I am being punished for expressing an opinion, but equally, am I over reacting??
  5. hello, i'm [21] and she's [23] We've been dating for 3 years, we've always loved each other and been happy together. My gf however has depression and struggles with insecurity, low self-esteem. I try to be as positive as I can when I'm around her. ​ Recently she got a fulltime job and is training away for 2 months. The first 3 weeks she kept telling me she's lonely and isn't making any friends and during that time I tried my best to talk to her constantly through text, calls, etc... ​ On the 4th week suddenly she made new friends and started texting me significantly less (We text each other lots throughout the day typically). Throughout the week I tried my best to reach out to her and express the fact that communication suddenly went down the drain between us. Despite this I wasn't getting a lot of responses. During that weekend, I threw a tantrum and wanted a "break" which is very childish of me, I admit I shouldn't have done it. All I wanted was clear communication and I couldn't get it after a week of trying which is why I did it. Everytime I reached out she would say its because she's busy and always go out with her new friends/coworkers. To my knowledge she goes out and drink almost everyday during this time. We usually call each other every night before sleeping and now I don't even get that plus any text. The times she'd pick up my phone she'd be with friends either at a bar drunk out of her mind, or in a room with her 2 guy friends that she doesn't even tell me anything about. She insists on letting her be so she can grow herself withint the next 2 months and she promise when she gets back it'll be better. ​ The morning after I called her and and we started talking and I get to state my side of the story and asked for reasons why communication suddenly got super sucky and asked for us to get back. We finally had our clear talk. Her reasoning for all of this was that she's busy and has no time for me. According to her friends, she needs to be on her own so she can grow and fix her insecurity and what not. As we got talking I found out she's been smoking cigs and weed + drinking almost everynight, and because she doesn't want me to scold her she decided to hide them all from me. I felt like it was a huge blow and got kinda mad and went away for 5 minutes. Finding out she hide things from me is a big no no, but then smoking blunts here and there isn't a big deal to me so I let it go. Still felt kinda ty that she hid things from me. Through all of this all I wanted was like some assurance that communication will be improved and what not but she kept insisting that she wants to be on her own for 2 months so our relationship can be better. ??? ​ She apologized for communication issues and I apologized for throwing a tantrum. I was promised a 10 mins call every day at least, she we can update each other on what we're on but things are still bumpy. Since then its been 3 days, 2 of those days when I got the promised 10 minutes were when she's in public/with her friends and she always have a ty mood talking to me, saying things like "oh yea im just so busy and tired, dont wanna be too focused on phone when i'm w my friends" and i'd end the call within 5 minutes because why the would I stay in a call when you can't even put all your attention on me as promised. Basically communication is better, still significantly different from before though. ​ I've also addressed that I'd want her to stop smoking and drinking everynight to the point where I rarely even get her presence when she's sober, but she kept saying like it's okay, it's fun, it helps me through the stress and all that. As farr as I know she's also puked a couple of times last week from drinking too much already. ​ Should I end things here? From the fact that she hid things from me, continues to engage in self-destructive behavior, refusing to listen to anything I say. I can provide more infos if needed. What's your take?
  6. Ugh I don’t really know where to start with this. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now. I’m 18 and she’s 17 and we met through work last year. I never imagined things would work out between us but we started hanging out and we ended up dating. Early on, I had some issues because she liked to vape/smoke/ drink all of which I’m not really into and she kinda shamed me for it. Eventually she quite vaping but still talks about wanting to smoke and drink which I hate because she knows I hate it. She has become extremely attached and talks about our future together all the time, but I can’t see myself marrying her. She wants to live up north but I prefer SoCal where I go to college now. I’ve had a bunch of issues that have been slowly adding up, one of my main concerns is that she is tame now while she’s at home, but I feel like once she gets to college she might end up doing something. She’s extremely social and tends to lead people on without realizing it and doesn’t know when to cut people off when she should, I feel like her desire for attention and drinking habits may lead to her cheating although she says she would never do that. So do I avoid myself getting hurt and hurting her by stringing her along and just end it ASAP? I’m going home to surprise her in 2 weeks and she’s coming down to check out the campus in the next month. Do I wait until that’s over? She also never wanted to go to college down her and after I came down and convinced her, she’s applying to a bunch of schools down her. I don’t want her to end up going to a school down her for me, just for us to end up breaking up. What should I do? And how do I do this without devastating her?
  7. I know you guys are about as sick of this as I am, but this is so retarded. Ok my ex and I of 3 years got the chance to put everything to rest alittle over a month ago. The last thig she said was she'd still like to see me from time to time, I thought ok, sure why not. (I'm not going to go out of my way) That being said, tell me what's up with this...We live kinda close to each other so we see each other on the road, but every time she see's me she floors it and peals out. (smoke and all -sometimes) She's got a nice new car and drive'n it like that is going to tear it up. But what the hells her problem? It's things like this that have made getting over her so easy. I guess she's mad about something, but this is sick. It wouldent be so bad if it was every once in a while, but damn, every time she sees me??? I almost want to find another way home for the sake of her poor little car. She's a trip.
  8. Hi all! Thanks in advance for reading! I've been with my fiance for close to three years with a small "break" in the beginning. I proposed to her last October...with the understanding that it would be a couple of years before we were ready (financially, etc..). We moved in together in May. Everything with her has been wonderful...UNTIL we moved in together. As a bit of background, I'm 27 and have lived with partners before and was living on my own prior to this move. She is 25 and this is her first time away from her family. Things have been rocky since we moved in for several reasons. One of the biggest factors is that she does not communicate with me. She rarely tells me what is bothering her. I can get insecure myself and I tend to paint the worst case scenario if I don't know what's going on... Since we moved in, our sex life has gone through a drastic decline. She actually has not initiated sex once in our new place. She used to initiate all the time. She states that the differences are that she hasn't had much drive (no pill changes or major stress - she's on vacation atm), and that it's less of a pressing issue since we can have it all the time now. That is all well and good but four months? I realize there is an adjustment period but to not initiate in four months makes me feel like she's not attracted to me anymore. For the past couple of months she has also started going out to clubs with her friends every weekend. These aren't clubs for people our age, rather a young single, college type club that features flimsy clothing, grinding and drunken nakedness...basically meat markets. Her friends cheat on their respective boyfriends everytime they go. I've told her that I wouldn't mind her going so much if it weren't EVERY single weekend, if she toned down her clothing, if our physical relationship was normal, if we could actually spend some time together on one of my days off!!! I recently quit smoking...I was on day three and although she promised to spend some time with me that night...she left me to go to the club knowing I couldn't join and be around the smoke. I just feel like she is selfish and has no respect for me... Given the fact that talking about things doesn't really result in anything, does this sound like a doomed relationship to anyone? I still love her to death and it would be hard to leave her but I can't live like this. Am I over-reacting? Oddly enough, she's still picking out wedding dresses and planning our future together... Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated!
  9. I don't normally share my song lyrics, (usually I just share my regular poetry) but today I feel like making an exception for some reason Here goes. HOMELAND A few miles offshore there's two cities on an island One is dark and vital, the other bright but silent Two strangers are passing precisely halfway Where the sound and the smoke are diffuse shades of gray It may not be today, it may be years away My home is waiting for me, wherever that may be From the epicenter I emerge, all alone and more or less unhurt The sole witness to the devastation, the only living soul that saw or heard I still remember how it all went down On that infamous day and on the days that followed It was enough to scratch the hope right out of my eye Many lives lost, entire communities swallowed All alone and more or less unhurt, from the epicenter I emerge The phoenix flies in search of a new home, following the restless outward urge She traces the phases of the moon On the last scrap of paper in her room Death to purgation to birth to ruin September to December to March to June When you walk west all night the sun rises at your back I'm following a set of purposeful tracks From dawn until sunset when my day is through When you walk west all day, the sun always outruns you It may not be today, it may be years away My home is waiting for me, wherever that may be A few miles offshore there's an island in the sun A few more miles off there's another one It's a big world of color and darkness and lights And you never have to hit the same spot twice It may not be today, it may be years away My home is waiting for me, wherever that may be
  10. My ex and I dated for over a year. We never had any probloms but one. She doesnt condone drinking or anything of that sort at all. She is mormon, or was. During our relationship we broke up about two times because I lied to her about drinking with my friends. And then I had a change within myself and I quit drinking all-together. But on new years eve my stupid friends talked me into smoking weed. My ex was extreally against that. I figured what the hell, because I was kinda mad because I wasnt going to be seeing her that night. then she showed up ran to me extatic and kissed me. she pushed off me took a few steps back and started to cry, then she ran out of the house. she tasted the smoke on my breath. After that she hated me. we almost got back together but she found out about some other times I had smoked. It was way overr. she hated me. I worked extreamly hard to get her to not hate me. and we eventually hooked back up. but we wern't ready for a relationship yet so we broke up. Then I moved on and she came crying back to me because she thought we were going to wait for eachother to be ready. so I dumped the other girl and mu ex and I hooked back up. That also didnt work out. anywasy to make a long story short Im not over her. she is over me. For a while we talked everyday. but now she wants to have at least 3 weeks where we dont talk at all. she said she hasn't had any time since we broke up. what can I do. she loves me, but hates me right now. I have already cleaned up my act. but hers is a mess now. she drinks and isnt mormon anymore. what should I do.
  11. O.k- i'll keep it short & sweet (or at leat try!) When i was at school (2+ ys ago) there was this girl (there are quite a few, i know ). She was really shy, and extremely pretty (...i don't think she realized!). During lessons (inwhich she & I were in), i would always end up gazing into her beautiful dark brown eyes. She used to look at me quite alot also. Sometimes, we would gaze into each others eyes for what felt like an eternity- it felt like time just stood still (i don't know if anyone has ever had this experience, if you can call it that?!) We had quite a few ''drunken'' experiences (more than gazing into each otheres eyes ) with each other at parties and stuff. But we were both too shy to ever really get together as a couple afterwads. Anyway, left school and completely forgot about her. Then, one day, i was in a club sitting down with some mates. I was extremely drunk and this beautiful girl walked in. Next thing i know, she was sitting next to ME! trying to make conversation, but the music was too loud and i was too drunk to even understand, let alone hold a conversation! Then we made eye contact, and it was just like the times at school, her eyes just seem to get me in a state of hypnosis or something, i could get lost in them for days!! She put her head on my shoulder & gave me her driving license ! I thought she was a bit crazy (didn't realize who she was at them time) and i got up and left. (we were leaving anyway). It was not until the next day that i thought about the events & realized who she was (friends told me), and then everything clicked into place (her eyes, & why she gave me her i.d card etc). From that day on (about six months ago now) I have not been able to forget about her atall. At the time i was on the down & out, drinking way too much, smoking, smoking dope, very depressed, getting unfit (not like me atall) etc. Looking into her eyes made me realize who i was (brought memories back), and where i was now heading(down the wrong road). It was like i was lost, and she helped me to find myself again. weird, i know....and you may think this is all quite sad/strange but it totally changed my life. The next day (after i realized who she was)... i had a desire to get back to the old me, the fit, happy, popular me. I gave up drinking,smoking, everything that was killing me. I started to get fit again (running, weights etc). It felt like i had a reason. Six months down the road i am feeling alot better than then. I havn't touched a cigaratte/dope and i rarely drink.... i know it will take a long time to completely heal (i won't go into what i'm healing from here ). All i know is that i need to find this magical girl again (Kieri)... Any comments/ suggestions/ ideas on the above?!
  12. Prose implies short stories and is commonly associated with poetry. I really hope no one minds my putting this on here. o.O Enjoy? Hope so. They said she could be anything if she only put her mind to it. Her parents, the teachers, even a counselor said Annie could have anything and everything she ever wanted. The girl of seventeen would lie awake for countless hours staring to the desolate ceiling of her chamber, contemplating over and over all they had said. Their words seemed the echo through the murmurs of the girls insanity, fading in and out until becoming but a soft whisper. A gasp escaped pursed lips as if the body were taking its first and final breathe of life from the world in which it decayed. She felt nothing but the pains of existence and carried the shame of secret storms. Their words sometimes seemed to be the only comfort for her madness; the only thing that kept the body from becoming completely hollow. Those who were close, and they were few, brought such comfort and reassurance to the innocent soul which always seemed like a plague on their lives. But one night changed the insanity and madness into a smoke of life which filled the body. After this night, nothing would be the same and no one would know how much Annie struggled to maintain her futile existence in this world of mass chaos. He was her savior on Earth, her last attempt at holding a normal lifestyle. His perfection astounded Annie and when the two embraced, a soft warmth glowed about her. Storm-gray eyes settled beneath a calm brow and wavy brown hair; yes Eric was handsome. The light which burned from Eric stole the very essense of Annie and fell into his hands like a doll. When their lips met, her emerald eyes would fall shut while burning red hair drifted through his fingers. They held each other as if there was a raging storm around them; twisting and tearing those alone and those together. He would never let Annie go, never, not even if it meant saving her. "You're so beautiful, I just want to make you beautiful." Eric moaned while pressing his shirtless body to the fragile figure which lay still and cold. Long finger tips like spiders gripped tightly to the chest, tugging and pulling. Slowly, they would move from beneath a plain night shirt and find someone else by rubbing an inner thigh, always moving closer. "Annie..." He groaned; pushing and panting while sweat pooled on his forehead. Eric couldn't see his beloved, for she was frozen in another reality. Over and over the girl would pretend as if nothing were happening and even when her lips met his, she insisted it was all about to end. Her world came through his clouded eyes and the girl secretly wept as the body she held was stolen. When her pants were removed, the girl stopped breathing and began to feel everything that was happening. She could no longer hide in a world of fantasy but had to except the truth of her reality. He too lowered his garments as the room began to haze over for Annie. She began to push and cry aloud as if signaling for her capture to give her breathe again. Eric only forced harder and when all seemed lost, she turned to the side and let out a long, sputtering cry. "I just want to be with you, Annie. I'm sorry if you don't want to be with me, I just want to be with you. You're so beautiful." But Annie refused to reply to his harsh, neglecting words of self pity. He wanted more than she could ever offer and that was something Eric would never understand. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months and although his eyes were gone and the deed done, Annie could no longer look at herself or feel. Any hope of salvation had been dashed when Eric tried to be with her. They told her she could do anything; they told her she could be anyone. Annie finally realized that this was true, that she could become the one thing she wanted so desperately to be. With a mind made up and a firm hand, Annie wrote. "I can be anything. I have become something. I never wanted him and he never saw me." These words seemed to be the only sense Annie could make of the world that had swallowed her whole. The early hours of morning began to fill the now empty chamber which had once protected a girl from reality. A deep breathe filled a quivering body as two steel eyes narrowed their glance on the figure before them. She wore a simple, black dress and on her bed, the girl gave one last kiss to the night air.
  13. My GF had taken the Depo Shot and she does smoke. She told me that she was 3 weeks late? Could it be possible that she is pregnant?
  14. Ok, so like a lot of you there is a girl that works in the same office building as me that I've been wanting to ask out, or at least introduce myself to. My problem is I can't seem to muster up the balls to approach her. I see her as she's on her way in and out of the building frequently and sometimes when I'm outside smoking a cig she will be out there too smoking a cig with this girl she works with. I realize this creates a great opportunity for me to initiate a conversation with her but I always chicken out. Especially since she's with her girlfriend. I've been trying to psych myself into just walking up to her and introducing myself, even if she's with her friend. I figure this will definitely let her know I'm interested and hopefully my confidence will impress her. I've said hello a time or two when passing her so I know she's seen me around the office, but besides that we are total strangers. Should I ask her out right then and there? Should I only ask for her number at that time? Or should I just leave it at small talk until we've spoken a few times? She's not someone I would classify as "stereo-typically hot", but I am crushing on her bigtime. Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks.
  15. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family. I just can't stand them. I feel like I don't belong, like I am different from everyone else. We are complete opposites. There are many reasons and to condence things I will give just one example. I am the ONLY non smoker in my house, as some of you can imagine this itself causes many problems. Especially because they make me feel like I am the one causing an inconvenience for everyone else by not smoking, people won't even open a damned window in my house unless I ask them too. Its not that bad because I pretty much have the entire basement to myself and closing the door blocks out most of the smell, but I still come home too many times and find my dooropen and the stench in my room. Like my other problems I try to talk with my family about this but I am quickley dismissed. Even though I contribute as much to the house as I can I feel as noone even cares about my opinion, and I do try to fix things by talking about it. This has been going on for a few years now and I really feel the only solution is for me to move out.
  16. A one-armed man stands accross the street, smoking a cigarette and looking at me. I look at him. "How many women have scorned him for his nub?" I ask myself. Nubless, I too have been scorned. Many men out there are simmering in their desire to dump cum in the velvety grip of an intimate embrace. We are born, we wander about awhile, and we die. Everything is a show. Everything signifies. We love, spurn, ignore, move on. This is our condition. Habeum papem! But what does it matter? Blood spilled two thousand years ago has since been washed away by as many summers' rains. How many millennia will pass before we see a generation that will twist swaddling clothes into nooses when it sees the horror confronting it? When we come into the world, the first sound we make is a scream.
  17. I guess i should start with a little info about myself. well i'm 17 im a junior in high school and until about 3 and a half months ago i had never had nor ever wanted to have a serious relationship with anyone. I've never really liked attention all that much but i like to compete and because of that i joined the football team and after one of the coaches saw my 6"5' figure and said "your huge why aren't you in football or wrestling". so i thought about it and decidded to join the team. i had a "friend" that was on the team. he was going out with one of the flag twirler chicks. i honestly couldn't believe that he was going out with her because hes rather large in the waist area but the heart wants what it wants. Well it was homecomeing week and on sunday at practice josh (my friend) told me that he wanted me to meet someone that his girlfriend knew. now i've had people try to set me up before because they don't like to see people lonely or something. but something felt different this time. monday I went to school thinking that id meet this girl and wouldn't feel any thing for her. boy was i wrong this was a girl that i had noticed before when i had seen her before this i had always told my self "this is a girl that looks like shes smart and is the kind of girl that would be going out with a guy that is popular but she allways stayed in the background". but since i'm rather shy i didnt even think to talk to her or any thing. ok, we met in the lunch room in the morning and basically since this was the first time i actually liked the girl i was being set up with i was extreamly nervouse so i just sat there and didn't say much. but i couldn't help but see her again. but i didn't see her again on monday having practice and all but we talked again on the next day in the morning and i actually spoke to her and found out that she was very attracted to me and when i didnt talk the day before she thought i didnt like her which makes sense. well we went to all the homecoming events that week and i found out a lot about her. since then we had done every thing together until she told me that she smoked pot which i personaly have no problem with at the moment eventually id like her to quit but have no idea how to approche her about it. the worst part is i have helped her get it and let her smoke it in my car. the bigests problem i have is that im afraid she wont be able to quit if we decide to get married and have children. and i know i dont want my children growing up in a house where there mother smokes pot nor do i want any birth deffects from her smoking while she was pregnant. i dont know if im just being and idiot or if i actually have a problem but any advice would be well recived.
  18. i am so sad right now and i really need to vent and talk to someone and have NO one! and it is making it hard to breathe ok i am goign to basically let it all out. i am sorry if this is long, ok i am 18 years old and i have 1 friend becasue i cant trust people and she is the only good friend i can trust and my family is pretty messed up with my dad used to being a drunbk and pot head and my mother until ayear ago popping pills and drinking and smoking and doing cocaine. now i am this cousin how i recently gotten alot closer to int he past 3 years we are like sister we know just about everything about each other. well she went on homestudy 4 weeks ago in nevada. she is 15 turning 16 in may. before she went on homestudy she had no friends cause everyone left her after she was raped at a party and they thought she lied about it. and she had a old friend how she cut off cause of her drug problem. now she is hanging with her again and for the past few weeks it was all good i talekd to tehm both 4 times a day and before she meet "jennie" and started hanging with here again she went out on the weekend and drank a lil bit and smoke once or twice nothing too bad she knew her limits, now she is drinking and getting drunk every other day and getting high every 2-3 days now. and i mean i love her i now its hard to quit but i know what drugs can do to a person and its just so hard for me and right now i am crying so hard cause i love her so much and i dont want anything bad to happen to her. and i tried to talk to her about it 20 mintues ago while her and jennie where lighting up a bong, and she got really angry and i told her i loved her and how it made me feel and asked her about it and she took it the wrong way and i am goin to write her a email btu i dotn knwo what to say i dont want to offened her even more i mean i love her so much i dont think i can deal with losing her but you seen the commerical that says if your friend was in toruble you would help them and it shows the pic of a girls watchign her friend drown. i asked katie(my cousin) woudl she helop or wanted ot be helped and she told me yeahso i dont know what to do i am so confused and have no one at all to talk to i am just going to sit here and cry my eyes out all night
  19. I thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it. For those of you familiar skip to section 2 Section One The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs. The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more. The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period. After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job. Section Two Week 5 since break up So she called. it was drive by emotionally but she wanted to know if there were changes, work, smoking (I said job comes first then smoking, too much to do at once) i turned the questions back onto her and is she ok? she sounded sad, and a little lost, i got off after a few minutes but said glad you called. She started off concerned about me, like "are you ok?" Ok, im starting to have trouble with this. In my past i have taken this opportunity to try and clear the air with break ups. This one was very open, unclear and well frustrating. I am in a "deciding period" with a lot of cautions issued by her about not getting my hopes up. My instincts tell me its time to contact her and ask her how things are going "really". That five weeks has passed and this is how i feel, what i am willing to do and that im prepared to hear no, but the ambiguity has to stop. its either yes lets try to work this out or no it isnt. I am tired of projecting by default that i am sitting here waiting for the not so anticipated two months to expire, it wont be good, or she will just say "i dont know". while this time has given me a chance to face and begin correcting the mistakes i have made and what i have to change. its kind of hard to stay centered and also feel i am leaving the deicision completely in her hands. I want to say I love you and i am prepared to hear no, but i need your answer so i can move on with my life, but i do want to know your reasons so i dont make these same mistakes again with someone else. I understand i may also be getting nervous about her calling, and that she is trying to make contact on some level, but she is so bad with expressing her feelings that she may not be able to. I cant help her with that i know, and i cant read into yet until she calls more. She knows now i do not want to pursue only a friendship. so is this a sit on my hands and wait? or is it getting close to being more direct? What Iam learning: The friends/posters have thier own motives for advice That in the end i must get grounded enough to decide what i want That the grass isnt always greener on their side of the fence That I am worthy of having someone love me and want to work on getting through problems What I want? to have that chance to show up, to see if both of us BOTH are now willing to compromise more now that we have seen what alone looks like. It may not work out, but its my wish. Advice Wanted
  20. I am a very compulsive addictive type person. When I smoked, I really smoked. When I drank, I really drank. I quit smoking and drinking long ago. But I replaced one vice for another. Last year the only fun I thought I was having in my life was gambling. Now it has taken the very light of life out of my soul. My depression started 10 years ago but the last 6 years have made me drop any and everything of interest I ever had. I use to bowl, shoot pool, play a lot of tennis, baseball, football, dancing, and the list goes on but slowly I dropped everything from my life. I have no get up and go. I lack the ability to get excited about anything. I lack the very essense to enjoy anything in life. I started gambling last year and it put a hook in me a surgical team of experts can not remove. It's not fun anymore but the habit can not be broken. I lost everything in a few months but I still have this nagging feeling that I can regain my losses. Intellectually I know this is not so but emotionally I do it anyway. I am drained to the point of a last resort. The very idea is stupid but it will not leave my thoughts. I'm not really asking for any help here but rather just writing it all out in hopes something will ring my bell and tell me what an idiot I am. Maybe just getting this out in virtual reality will jog my senses. I want to go and gamble tomorrow. I want it to be my last time one way or another. My bithday is today and I'm 57. I have 4 beautiful grandchildren and 2 great children. I also have 2 great younger brothers. I've lost 2 of my children, a younger brother, mother and father, and many friends during Vietnam, 2-66/8-67. As I get older the circle of family grows smaller by the day. I'll end this depressing story for now and hope I return tomorrow to add something to this or read any replies if there are any. Farewell.
  21. last night i smoked some weed it was so stupid of me.. and i think my parents suspect something im so scared i dont know what to do please help me..
  22. I'm in the middle of a somewhat difficult situation and I could really use some advice. First, let me explain that I've never really had much luck as far as "finding the right one" goes. I've dated here and there, probably less that you'd expect for someone out of college and what not. I had a really terrible relationship last year, and if anything came out of that it was that I stand up for myself and voice my opinions a little more instead of just going with my partner's wishes all of the time. Anyway, a few months back I went out with a friend of a friend and since then we've been dating exclusively and seriously. She's great and I can't imagine my life without her. She usually makes me so happy that I feel like I can face anything. We both came with some baggage of one kind or another. I had low self esteem and worried too much. She came from an abusive childhood and had a marijuana problem. I am 100% against marijuana. I won't get into any discussions or arguments about whether or not it's right/wrong/good/bad/etc. I believe it is bad and I've done enough research on the topic to support my belief. On top of that, the smell of it makes me sick and I can't deal with people who are "high". This girl knew that before she asked me out, and swore that if the first few dates went well and we decided to get into a relationship that she would give it up for me. To the best of my knowledge she did. In fact she only "slipped" twice in the first four months of our relationship! Seeing her give that up for me made me beyond happy. To top it off we were just so in tune with each other the conversations have invariably started to turn towards our future... moving in together maybe around the end of the year, what it would be like to be engaged, etc... A few weeks ago she went back home (She's from out of town) to visit her family. I went to pick her up after work and bring her home (it's about a 2 hour drive each way). When I got there I found her smoking pot. We talked about it (no fights, just talking) and she has told me before that when she's at home sometimes she has trouble facing all of the things that happened, so she smokes, but she promised me again it was the only time she'd done it recently and she was getting so much better and really trying to quit. So I suggested to her that, if she wanted a little less temptation to smoke when she gets back to her apartment, she should leave her pot pipe and lighter there. She said that was a good idea, but when I put her bags in my car I could smell the pipe in her bags. When I asked her about it she got mad and yelled at me. I had a feeling she was lying to me, but I didn't start any fights because I don't want her to think I don't trust her. She promised me she left it behind and that was what I was going on. A week later I was at her place and I got up to look at a book on her desk and laying next to her desk was the pipe. When I asked her about it she lied to me and said she left it at home, and when I told her it was on her desk she got mad at me for "snooping". I was furious that she yelled. She tried the guilt thing ("you shoudl be glad that's all i lied to you about!") and the rationalization ("It's not liek it's crack or dope!") and the crying. Whenever I try to talk to her about her pot use she gets mad and yells at me and refuses to talk about it without claiming i'm acting like "a parent". I told her I don't think I could ever live with someone who smokes pot, and her response was "Well then I have a year to quit... besides I don't have any money for pot now anyway!" and when I asked if that meant she'd buy if she had money she didn't answer. We ended up striking a deal where if she can go 2 months without it i'll take her to her favorite expensive restaurant, and then we'll figure something out after that. It's been a week since then so far I believe she's been clean. However, her friends from her hometown are coming to visit her in a few weeks and her friend always asks her to smoke with her. She says that won't happen cause they'll be in a hotel room, but I have a really bad feeling that her friend will offer her some pot and she'll smoke it. Even worse I have a feeling she won't tell me. I hate this! I love her to death and everyone I talk to is telling me that my options are to deal with it or leave now because if she lied to me once she's probalby done it before and she probalby will just keep doing it behind my back. But this is the first girl i've ever thought about living with and ever marrying and spending my life with. I'm not a teenager, i'm 26, and I'm pretty successful. I've got a great job with good money, etc. I'm ready to start finding a life and family of my own. I know for a fact I cannot live with/marry someone who does pot. I'm that against it! It's the only thing I"ve ever asked of her, and her lies really hurt. I don't want to just turn and walk away, and I can't live with the pot use, but I"m afraid if I tell her "me or the pot" it's going to make her choose the pot. HELP!
  23. ok here goes i just moved to a new school and i made the softball team and everything well some gurls on the team don't like me and have been trying to get me kicked off for the past 3 weeks. They told the coach that i was cussing and that i told them i was gonna beat them up then they told him that i was smoking in the bathroom and that i got caught and that i got in trouble and thats why i was not at school. When i didn't do any of that and i just feel like killing myself because of it. Because nobody would care. I have so much shit going on in my life and i just wanna get away from it all!!!!!!!!!! So please help me b4 i do something to hurt myself!!! I already have the date and how i am gonna do it some please help me b4 12-01-03!!!!!
  24. hey.. im writing to you becouse i am 18 and i found out that a 13 year old girls likes me.. this means its a 5 year age gap.. she is mature for her age and doesnt look 13, she looks and acts 16-she drinks and smokes and isnt like normal 13 yr old girls who stay at home reading with their mums lol.. if u get me. i was just wondering if i were 2 get with her would this be wrong?
  25. So a girl in my drawing studio class who is pretty cool and all and I talk to is pretty shy (so am i). At any rate during class break today her and I and a couple friends went and smoked some pot during break. So when we get back I feel like I keep catching her looking at me (she seemed to look right away when i looked at her back), also before class started back up she seemed to make a point of looking at what I was working on and seemed to dig it which is nice. I also noticed she usually keeps to herself and this was the first time I had really seen her go up to and talk to someone. Anyway I'm prolly just being stupid and I should just ask her out right?
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