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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherized upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, The muttering retreats Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question. . . 10 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" Let us go and make our visit. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains, Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys, Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20 And seeing that it was a soft October night Curled once about the house, and fell asleep. And indeed there will be time For the yellow smoke that slides along the street, Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; There will be time, there will be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; There will be time to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30 Time for you and time for me, And time yet for a hundred indecisions And for a hundred visions and revisions Before the taking of a toast and tea. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. And indeed there will be time To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?" Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40 [They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— [They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"] Do I dare Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. For I have known them all already, known them all; Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50 I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; I know the voices dying with a dying fall Beneath the music from a farther room. So how should I presume? And I have known the eyes already, known them all— The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60 And how should I presume? And I have known the arms already, known them all— Arms that are braceleted and white and bare [but in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!] Is it perfume from a dress That makes me so digress? Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl. And should I then presume? And how should I begin? . . . . . Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70 And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? . . . I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling accross the floors of silent seas. . . . . . And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! Smoothed by long fingers, Asleep . . . tired . . . or it malingers, Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80 But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter, I am no prophet–and here's no great matter; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid. And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while, 90 To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead, Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" If one, settling a pillow by her head, Should say, "That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all." And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, 100 After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor— And this, and so much more?— It is impossible to say just what I mean! But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: Would it have been worth while If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl, And turning toward the window, should say: "That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all." 110 . . . . . No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— Almost, at times, the Fool. I grow old . . . I grow old . . . 120 I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think they will sing to me. I have seen them riding seaward on the waves Combing the white hair of the waves blown back When the wind blows the water white and black. We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130 Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
  2. I have observed what goes on outside the french window so many times with more curiosity than just plain noseiness. Today the sky is bright blue and there is hardly a cloud in sight. The large trees that surround the street stand tall with thick chocolate brown trunks and long branches some thich and others thin. The wind sways the bright green summertime leaves back and fourth. So many different coloured flowers that only bloom in summer, colours of white, yellow, raspberry pinks and lilacs surround front gardens, some you can see planted in the soil others you can see peeking out of bushes twinkling like gem stones. I don't suppose many people would be that interested in writing about what they see every day, most people get up at seven in the morning maybe sip coffee whilst they get ready to rush of to their nine to five lives, most people care about the more practical, logical things like making sure the tank in the car is full with petrol, others rush so they don't miss their buses or trains. There are very few that see things that are hidden, undiscovered and those things, the unseen things are the most beautiful of all. You would think I would be outside the window inhaling the fresh air and enjoying the way the sun feels on my skin. You would think I would have a daily routine like most people do. You see all of us have options I could choose to go about every day life I could travel in the rush hour if I wanted to, I could do what I should be doing but I choose not to. You want to know why?, because if I choose to step outside I have to ask myself a question. Who am I really when I step outside into the world?, If I could go back in time and observe me from outside the window I'd say I don't make eye contact with anyone just the floor, my body language is uncomfortable and the way I'm walking means I just want to get today over with and fast. I stay hidden in a crowd and on a one on one basis. When I'm out there I wear a mask and a imaginary shield protects me from everyone and everything, I don't feel anything apart from the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. I could say who I am isn't who I'm meant to be, but maybe it is. Maybe the parts that I hate so much about myself like being socially awkward, maybe I am just meant to be that way. Maybe I wasn't born to fit in, maybe I was born to be the observer, the writer. Most days I see the same three men walk past my house. The first man always walks past my house in the morning sometimes at nine sometimes at ten. He is tall and slender and looks in his thirites. No matter what the weather he always wears a long leather coat that flys out at the back when he walks, it kind of looks like a cloak. His black hair is always slicked back in that old fashioned way and his skin is so white and flawless and he always carries the same intense look on his face. He feels like an outcast, like he doesn't belong I can sense it from him. I don't see him as what other people might label him as, I look at him and I see hes just misunderstood with an old fashioned charm about him. The second man walks past my house in the afternoon and he is young, in his twenties and he is lovely looking. He either wears a gray or a baby blue jump suit and I know he's a mechanic. He is a average size with blonde short hair and blue eyes, he always looks thoughful whilst he smokes his cigarette, I always feel like smokers smoke for a reason and that reason isn't to look cool. The last man that walks past my house is also tall his skin is a light olive tone and his face has so much bone structure to it he wears glasses and a hat with a dull green coloured coat and a dull colour gray rucksack, I can't sense as much from him as I can sense from the other two but I can tell he's not like most people. Whenever I see these three men walk by I feel a kind of connection to them and I feel like maybe they feel alone like I do. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to open the door and walk up to each of them and tell them that I see them walk past my house every day and that I can sense their emotions, but that would be just weird. The truth is I don't know anything about them and I never will. We will never know absoloutly everything about everyone, we think we do but we don't. That's the mystery, the beautiful thing that is unseen.
  3. It’s 3AM, and here I am almost 2 years later to the day.... Sitting alone on this lonely beach. The same beach where we went out on our third date, where we had a picnic, drank some wine, and ran through the water together like two kids in love, like something out of a cheap romance novel. This is same beach where I began to fall in love with you. Where we began our journey together. I’m sitting here like we once did, but it's not the same as before... It's so lonely, desolate and quiet, not like it once was. The waves, they're taunting me, like they know. The beach is so cold and oh so unwelcoming. I sit here thinking, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...I don't want to fade away. I know soon I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and smoke one more cig before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream and prey for you to come through that door like you use to, and you’ll come lay down next to me, tell me you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you and we'll fall asleep like old and I’ll finally wake up, wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and prey, knowing it won’t happen. I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you. I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different. “They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy, and even to just go get laid. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this ocean beach. And how can I go out and get laid. It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless sex isn’t going to do it. Nothing can do it but maybe time itself. And maybe they’re right, maybe each day may get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day I will stop hurting, one day I won’t wake up and feel the anger over everything that has transpired. And maybe one day I will be learn how to love someone else and let myself go again but I also know I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you. I feel like destiny is laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. But it feels like it, there's so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll come back to this same beach, and we’ll run around through the sand like the kids we once were. In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have accepted what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about. You know, for that hour to two hours when play basketball or football, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making the shot, jumping up and grabbing the rebound. It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live. I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again. It is hard though...to go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way you fall asleep with her head on my stomach, the way you snore and take up the entire bed, you little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well. And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime my love. But for now, it's time to head back to that same car, take that long empty drive back home, make my way back to the same home, take that one last smoke and make my way back to the same, now empty bed so I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up. This beach will always wait for us my love.
  4. This is a funny poem I wrote today with no serious intentions to it. Enjoy. Sweet Memories My soul was shaken You made it awaken Then I cooked bacon We made sweet love by the fire Without any clothes or attire It had a lot of passion and desire You made me your squire Until it all turned to mush So I smoked the purple kush Without anything to lose I drank much booze Until it was time to snooze After my soul awakened I was forsaken Another one lost The fleeting memories of my lonely heart
  5. Daydreams daydreams Why am I smoking so much? Because it’s like forgetting. Numbing. Clearing my mind, filling my lungs. I just want to breath you in, it’s an obsession I can’t quite grasp or shake. It makes no sense. 
 Quiet calm collected- externally
 Cold shaken resented - internally 
 Explore- I want to. 
Answers- I need to. 
 Questions I can’t quite put together. 
 Crave craze cure
 Is it all insane or am I?! For wanting it this bad and needing you like it’s all I have. Every opportunity flashed like a disk, erased in a brisk bittersweet motion. All these notions Feel like potions I’ve been poisoned. I need this more than you know. Just to know, So you know, I don’t really know Why.
  6. IF YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMORE...THIS POEM FOR YOU ----------------------------------- Haveing a ishy day. Wanna have somethin to put me in a Daze. Walk threw a cloud of Haze. I just wanna chill with my girl. Her skin is green. Her name is ganja queen. And she said To Me. Dis will ease your Problems. Dis will Make You Forget. And say F- IT & All The rest. Haveing a Ishyer day then the one b4. Wanna have something thats gunna make me relax. So i think of where to score. I go to my girl house. I hear nothing but reggae playing . ganja girl comes and says here you go gal. dis will put a smile on your face. dis will make you laugh. dis will make you for get the crappy day you had. I smoke and i get high. I puff i get higher. And I'm stuck. Have you ever got stuck? And said F---!!! LMAO. To those That got kids. To those that work with idiots all day. To those that have dumb g/f's and you feel like You wanna choke the liveing ish outa them. To those that hit ther heads on the wall. Smoke some Marijuana....And see how those feelings change...and poof like magic it all gose away.
  7. I’ve never been this far from home That is if I can still call it Home Is somewhere far and the Holes in my brain and in them this is where my House Use to be Sadly the wine has dissolved the images In an aerosol can is the poison My Lungs can’t breathe Gag reflex Maybe a puff of smoke that clouds the alveoli An orgasm in my brain makes it better but the damage is done “going home?” “I can’t remember”
  8. I was sleeping in the basement and woke up to my mom screaming there is a FIRE- I thought o good Ill just stay down here and die. But after 30 seconds of deciding wether this was my out. I got up and opened the door and this big plum of smoke overcame me and I crawled out to the front door. As I sat there with my mom- (who was hysterical at this point) I debated wether I made the right decision. The fire was a grease fire, she put on some new bacon called Blazzin bacon (seriously -thats its name) and she went outside and forgot about it. Anyhow after 10 minutes waiting for the FDept. They put it out - the damage was mainly to the kitchen but everything had to be taken out of the house because of smoke damage- We have been living in a Holiday inn for the past 3 weeks. This hotel happens to be the MEPS headquarters= Military inlistment prossessing station- anyhow there are new 18-25 men/women enlistments that come every night, and sometimes their faimlys are there to say there goodbyes. While I do respect there future service to this country I, think yeah when you get out of basic, your * * * is heading to iraq and youll probly die- Which sounds like a good idea for me, but I already have a bad back and knee with no cartlidge so I cant enlist- but the recruieter still trys to get me to join up. Well durin the first week there, I went got 2 beers and went to sit in the hottub, and decided Im going to stay in here till I pass out and drown. There wasnt anyone down there, and after about 35-40 minutes I was half unconsious and still sitting up, this lady came over and yelled at me to get up and jump in the pool, which I did. I was beat red and probly had a minor heat stroke-who knows. I have been on Seroquel =600mg at night. and in the morning I have been taking lamictal. Ive tried everything from paxil to lexapro to serzone, and this current combination is the only one I can tolerate- even though I still feel hopeless, I dont get upset anymore and damage things, or threaten others, the doctor just upped the lamictal today, and said to go down to 450mg of seroquel as I sleep half the day, and he thought it might be the seroquell since I was on a high dose. I still cannot fathem going back to work- I have worked for my extended family for the past 8 years and Im literally sick of them ,and the type of (rich- IM better than you) type of customers we cator too. I eat, but dont eat very much at each sitting but, I still manage to put on weight, I guess its because of the drugs. I remember the last time I was in a crisis-help center, they said to get 1/2hr-40minutes of excersise a day, To try to stave off depression. I have been walking on the treadmill at the hotel, but the other day decided to walk around a nearby lake, which has a trail, there were two separate occasions where I was verbally occosted. Iam always bymyslef so I guess people interperate that Im a freak or because of the way I look. I hate everything about me. But I want companionship. Then another day I visited a healthclub that Im paying $50 dollars a month for and havent been in 2 months, anyhow I said hi to 3 differnt women and 2 didn't even look at me and walked by and another one just gave me a hidious stare. The only one who said hi, is the girl behind the counter, but that is her job. I have even tried the online thing- but as soon as I start talking to them and they find out I still live at home they dont respond back. And the ones that do still talk, are fakers- they want me to send them money to russia or affrica. Then I get a call from one of a few friends that I ever had that I havent seen in over 5 years. He came into work and he found out I wasnt working and called to see how Was doing. It did feel good to hear from him, he said he got married and they have a 9 month old daughter. I felt very pleased to hear that he is happy with his life, but at the same time evil, jealous feelings overwhelmed me= I wanted what he now has. As my previous post spells out- I have always had trouble with socializing, with anyone. The only people who I ever felt comfortable talking too are the elderly. My sister who is 17 now, Im 26,(Ive been told I look way younger than Iam), has many friends and they have kindof adoppted me as a friend too. But one of them I have to be carefull of because she too, is depressed and she has a crush on me and recently she was alone with me in a room and she wanted to talk about sex. So I got up and left because I know where she is heading with that...and I deffently dont want to be on a sexoffender registry. So anyhow, I know everyone has his/hers problems, I just felt the need to vent. I also just posted in the dating shyness forum as shyness-socialphobia is what Im trying to beat. So I can have a normal life!
  9. The Backstory: I've been with my girl, Jenn, for a year now. And before we officially became a couple, we were "seeing" each other for almost 8 months. When we met, Jenn was with her boyfriend of 5 years, and I had a girlfirend of 14 months. 5 months after our first meeting, we started seeing each other. In the interim, I broke up with my girlfriend, and a good friend of mine was killed. I took this very hard. By the time we started seeing each other I had become a drug addict, a borderline alcoholic, and depressed. I hid this from everyone, especially her (and to be honest, she still doesn't know). The only person that knew was my roommate, because she saw how many days that I could get out of bed without a joint and a couple of drinks. The only thing that kept me the least little bit together was the thought of seeing her at the end of the day. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to be with this girl I was going to need to change my life. So I did. I quit the drugs, and got the drinking under control. A few months later she moved from Guelph (where we both lived for those of you who know Southern Ontario) to Brampton, or about 50 minutes away. We kept seeing each other. Eventually we officially became a couple. And for the most part things have been a fairytale. I have fallen for this girl like I never have before. She is the love of my life. She has some trust issues dating back to when her best friends sold her out 4 years ago, so needless to say she has had problems trusting me fully. The only really rough patch we hit regarded smoking. When we met, I was a smoker, but I NEVER smoked in her presense. One night after we had been together for 8 months, I was really drunk, and I stepped outside with her friends and had a smoke. When we got home, she told me that it was really hard for her to be around a smoker since she had quit only 2 years previous. So I quit. I haven't smoked since. And things have been better than I could have ever imagined. and now the Problem: Jenn is a teacher, and school is very, VERY important to her. I've been suspended from my University for exceptionally poor academic performance before I met her. But since I met her, I've gone back, and am doing much better. This summer I was taking a course, and through a clerical error, I was deregistered from the course. I couldn't bear to tell her. My Dad didn't talk to me for a year after I was suspended from school. I thought that she was going to be disappointed in me, and I couldn't handle seeing that in her eyes. We went away to Cuba just before my final exam. The week before we left, I found out that there was nothing that anyone could do, and that I was out of the course. So when she asked me if I was going to take my books away with us, rather than coming clean, I didn't tell her what had happened and just said no. Then the week of the exam, I lied a couple of more times when I said that I was studying and about the time of the exam. Eventually the day before the exam I told her that I had just found out that day that I was out of the course. She called me on the fact that I lied about the exam time, and eventually it all came out. I told her the truth. That was a couple of weeks ago Now she says that she can't trust me, and she questioning things I've told her. and now the Even BIGGER Problem: I had a cell phone when I was seeing her, but I disconnected it before we officially became a couple. Just a few weeks ago I got it connected again. I was with her last night, and we were going through the pictures on my phone, and I had forgotten to delete a picture I had of my ex-girlfriend naked. The picture was from when I was still with the ex. She saw it an freaked (which is understandable). I told her the truth. That I had forgotten it was there and that it was from a long time ago, when I was still with her. And that if I had known it was there, I would have deleted it. Now she says that she doesn't think she can get past this. She doesn't believe what I'm saying. She thinks its more recent than I'm saying. I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought that I've hurt her. That I might lose her. For the last year, she has been the best thing in my life. I'll do anything not to lose her. HELP!
  10. Okay this is gonna sound alittle embarrassing lol but here goes, for the past little while now I've been having trouble going pee on command. Sometimes I'll feel like I really have to go but it will take me awhile to actually go... If I sit down I find it easier to release but I'm concerned something might be wrong... Anyone have any ideas as to what it could be? Oh and for your information I smoke marijauana dunno if maybe that has something to do with it... Thanks in advance for any help
  11. I personally, think underwear is supposed to be comfortable and functional, and work as a boundary between ur privates and the exterior clothing. I think thongs are a sexy outfit basically to make out for a while and take off before intercourse... so I don't understand how can some people hang around with a piece of cloth stucked in the crack all day long... when noone even really sees how smoking hot is it... but that's me. Now, the naked thruth ladies and gentlemen: Do you find them comfy and appealing? Do you wear them? Yes (when) or no, and why. .
  12. I have been lurking around this site for the last 2.5 months and reading mostly the "feel good " posts and Man ,just as it says "feel Good" it does feel good to read them.It helps even more than what professionals say because it comes from your heart and you even don't get paid for it but the amount of relief I could possibly get is measured much more than GOLD. I live in the Middle-east and I'am not even American but all our breaks ups are so alike and the pain is just the same and this just goes to endorse that we as a civilisation are so much alike. My marriage broke up early July and its been such a painful ride since then.I went thru all the phases of Begging,pleading,crying,bargaining blar blar blar but only if I knew how it works but thats the past and I just consider it something that had to happen.After about 20 days of trying I straight away went into the NC mode and a few days later she moved out of the house with all her belongings.It hurt like a thousand daggers all at once but I mantained NC since then.I'am alive and am healing. The positives that have come out of the break up is that I've been a smoker for the last 15 years and have never tried quitting.This was the best time to do so and its been 2 months thats i've smoked my last cigarette (even stopped drinking).Now here's the reasoning behind that, the pain of this break up is much much more than the pain of not having a drink or smoking a cigarette so this is best possible time in your life u could get to stop. I have NEVER gone to a gym or have I done any sort of excersises except in School but its been 02 months and Lord I,am in awesome shape.My belly's gone, my biceps look great and now I just can't wait for my daily dose of excersise.I sweat it out an hour daily.Feel awesome but hey the pain always lurks somewhere but look at the positives. We aren't as lucky as you guys in the US or the west where u have fantastic networks or entertainment to get your mind of some of the pain atleast and the place I live in is the worst place you could ever survive with a break up.We do not have any sort of therapists,councellors,pubs or whatever so I have been reading all of your posts day in and day out and this has been my therapy and I know I will survive (I'am alive and kicking now).Everything I've learnt after my break up is from you'll.I mean EVERYTHING. remember that this is the ONLY time you need the best of your health to recover.Let you health body help your mind heal. I know this pain will take a while to go but then they never said it would be a joy ride.Just acknowledge the fact that it'll hurt like a MOFO before it gets over. My marriage lasted 03 years and I wish it could be any different but it was never planned that way by the good lord I guess. My prayers from "Lord, let me get my ex. back" has now changed to "Lord give me the wisdom to move forward and help all those in my situation" You will all be fine no matter how bad your break up (I didn't give u the details of my break up but it has been hurtful to the CORE and has shaken every nerve or cell or my body so please do not think for a moment that I have taken it all well but as of now yes I'm doing fine thanks) and we all will heal.
  13. I need to give you all some background so that you will understand my situation a lot better. I met my bf about a year and a half ago. We were both 16. We were almost inseperable for a while. He would call me all the time, we'd talk for hours on end. It was really sweet. Then, about 6 months into the relationship, things got really bad. We argued all the time about stupid stuff. He eventually dumped me (heartbreaking for me even though I was so mad at him). I found out the reason he basically blew me off all the time was because he found a new lover and friend: marijuana. I was furious and deeply hurt. During the 4 months or so that we were separated, we persued each other. He even called me the night he dumped me to talk and make sure I was ok (I know what your thinking). We basically acted like bf and gf even though we really weren't. The only difference was we didn't talk every day. We had decided to not talk for 2 weeks to see how things would go and HE ENDED UP CALLING ME A WEEK INTO IT! One minute he says "relationships arent for him" and the next he calls me up and wants to talk all sweet to me. He ended up asking me to be his gf again and I of course said yes. This time our relationship is very unstable (at least in my opinion). He still continued to smoke during the first few months and we didn't have the same bond as we did the first time. We'd have our moments that were really sweet and sometimes we'll talk on the phone and our convos will be more than just me screaming at him and him laughing it off. Then after hanging out with him one day and having a really good time, he told me he would quit smoking just for me. I was so happy because that was what I would blame all our troubles on (and I still kinda do). So far as I know, he hasn't done it and its been about 3 months. I've noticed a change in his personality (for the better!). He's back to what he used to be before smoking. Lately though, my bf has been blowing me off every chance he gets. He doesn't call me when he says he will. He doesn't call me EVER. He hasn't seen me in 2 weeks. He says he cares but I feel that he doesn't. Its like I'm second in his life right now and all his friends, tv, food, and his drum set are tied for 1st. (stupid yes, but so true) He laughs at me when I get mad and yell at him over the phone. He finds it humorous I guess for me to be upset. I have a theory that he doesn't wanna become like his best friend who is head over heels in love with his gf. (the two are ALWAYS together. ALWAYS talking. They've been together 2 months and they act like they're newlyweds.) His best friend has been blowing him off lately. He is really annoyed by it, so I think he wants to give the impression to everyone that he's a manly man and believes in the saying "BROS before HOS." Stupid yes, but its plausible in this situation. So here's my question. Should I try NC with my bf without telling him and see what he does? I want to see how long it'd take for him to call me and whether or not he cares at all. Can you give me any pointers as to how I should deal with this? How long should I do NC for? Is it a dumb idea for this situation? Trying to talk to him doesn't work, so this is my only option other than breaking up with him. I don't want to end it just yet. We've been together a long time and I'm not ready to throw it away without another try. (ignore my previous post! I was very VERY angry last night! ) THANKS
  14. my boyfriend has quick temper as well as anixety disorder. He has been taking zoloft for 8 years, meanwhile he is also a heavy pot smoker. Now he is quitting smoking but really having difficult time. He is quiet depressed, bored and having bad dreams almost everynight. He quit smoking before and he said that wasn't this hard, because at that time he didn't take zoloft and he felt pot burn him out. But now, since he is taking zoloft, he doesn't really get the high (as high as before) and he doesn't feel burn out either, he doesn't have negative feelings toward pot,which also makes him feel less motivated to quit. To understand how pot affect our behaviors, I tried once and did get the high. It made me really don't care about anything, I felt I was disconnected from the reality, I had nothing to do with whatever happened around me. However, my boyfriend could talk, think logically while he was stoned. His emotions and responses seem quiet like a sober person while he is stoned. The only thing I could feel is he is lazy and lack of memory. He has not been smoking for about 8 days now and he felt really unhappy and started thinking about going back to smoke. His excuse is zoloft cancels some bad effects of marijuana. I don't know what to say, I really need some help here... Thanks...
  15. Illusion pond appearing still no ripples mar the surface yet fish move beneath Perspective crying to the moon wolf grieves for his missing pack tiger walks quiet Strategy rose does not travel smiling always at the sun bee will enter soon Misfortune spider is weaving perfect balance, perfect silk dragonfly tears holes Deviation fish takes dragonfly spider catches wayward bee wolf and tiger meet Enlightenment distant hillsides burn golden glow by dark of night haze and smoke by day Renewal the fallen droplet scattered on unyielding rock finds the sky again
  16. My g/f just broke up with me a week ago. My problem isn't alcohol. It is marijuana. We've dated for about a year and a half. I cheated on her. We broke up for about 4 months and luckily we got back together. I got comfortable again in the relationship and started to smoke a little more often. I ended up moving up to where she goes to school so i could go to school her as well. It wasn't even 2 weeks into the school year and she left me stranded in a new town. I wouldn't think she would do something like this. She always acted like she loved me so much. And when i talk to her she says I will never change and that's just who I am. I know that's not who I am and I really want to quit smoking weed and cigarettes. I feel that is the source of all my problems. I have smoked since we have started dating. She hasn't really mentioned smoking being a part of the problem that much but I know it is! She says it's because she's young and wants to be single and do her own thing. But I know she hated the smoking! I'm such an idiot and I take everything for grantite. This girl has everything going for her and It hurts soo bad inside to know i might have messed everything up. If i can quit smoking cigarttes and weed, I know it's a great change no matter what but do you think it would bring her back to my arms. I just wish there was a guide i could follow to get her back. Certain steps i could take to win her heart back over. She used to be SO into me! Way more than I was into her and that all changed about a year ago. Someone talk to me please. Thanks. I love this girl so much and I know she can't just fall out of love with me like that. I sometimes think she might be dating someone else but when I ask her she says no. We have been broken up for about a week but she has still texted/called pretty much everday. I called her today to tell her I wanted to tell her how I felt and she didn't really want to listen that much. I just told her I loved her and missed her and asked her if she ever sees us getting back together and she said no not really. She likes the way things are right now. Why doesn't she love me anymore. I will quit smoking everything. : (
  17. Is it me? or is it a pain to try to date someone who "thinks they are HOT as hell when really they are just like every other normal girl" I think there is a real difference in that if they ARE hot and they are thinking they are hot. (just a thought) By the way for some reason I keep seeing hot girls trying to screw themselves over with Jerk guys that resolve to drug use a lot (smoking, alcohol, and then there's the you know... lol) Is it me? or is it most hot girls do those kind of drugs on a regular basis (more than just NORMALLY drinking) Personally smoking = unattractive Drugs = Ain't cool buddy... Alcohol = is fine, but don't start abusing it. Just sharing an opinion.
  18. Ok I told my girlfriend to stop smoking and she did. And today she is real depressed and said she is just going to get wasted and I said don't do that. And now she has gone against my word. I told her if she gets wasted someone else can take advantage of her and stuff and probably worse things. But she has gone against my word. So what should I do? Just dump her because if I can't trust her then what should I do? Also she said I don't plan anything but what do girls like to do thats romantic? Like she says we don't do anything anymore so I want to plan something special.
  19. Was that his name? The one from "catcher in the rye" Man, I feel like him tonight. Lost, alone yeah... yeah, OK, I admit it, lonely I confess...lonely I walked into a nearby pub. It used to have poetry readings, I used to go there with a g/f a thousand years ago...or so it seems. Whatever. I look at the booth we used to sit. No, I don't miss her but I miss something You know that feeling...missing something. The girl at the bar give me the eye, she looks me up and down, but then she is suddenly joined by a protective b/f - you know the type - he owns her, he lets the bar know. I sit down, she steals another look. She doesn't want to be with him but she can't leave - she is insecure. She looks at me but...my face is expressionless. She shows alot of leg. Whatever. I wander the streets, it's still winter here - * * * * , it's always winter in Canada...it fits my mood. I wish I still smoked, I miss it sometimes... I should go home and go to sleep, I have to work tomorrow. But the apartment is lonely....I will wander some more maybe... I live in a big city, a city full of lonely people, why can't we just meet up somehow? No one will read this post...whatever.
  20. If I walk will I fall? If I try will I fail? If I drive will I crash? If I sleep will I dream of nightmares? If I give will I get? If I've loved will I've lost? If I live will I die? If I speak must I whipser? If I laugh will I cry? If I listen will I Learn? If I smoke will I burn? If I play will I lose? If there's one must I choose? If I dig will I get buried? If I steal will I own? If I'm there is it home? If I speak will I lie? If I love must I lose? If I live must I die?
  21. ANIMAL There’s an animal climbing inside I can feel its retracted claws warily pacing, quiet as powder falling on taffeta But heavier than a Gorgon’s grip at my throat. Something wants out -- out of sense, into Oblivion. Something aches to pound A new shape into this red clay Heart. But every shape is lost so easily, whipped Icing on the cake. If only I could put this beast in the icebox to freeze along with the frostbitten and unrecognizable, but crystals just won’t take. Coals won’t burn, but the smell of wood and smoke snakes through my hair. The clouds won’t rain, the thunder won’t clap, but the farther I drive into the storm the brighter darkness gets. Lightening wakes me noiselessly, warning me how naked the Nape of my neck. Vivisected without being opened I carry along entrails fit for Kings and vultures, endangered wolves -- fresh as pomegranate and deep dark molasses, I might offer in a plea. There’s something stepping through me Wild with its eyes. Laying low, breathing on my spine, filling its jaws steadily With great bites of thunder and rain, only a matter of time, so ravenous for the chance. Copyright D.A.F., 2008
  22. Bullets surrounding me, explosions deafening my ears, Brothers dying, wiping away my blood, sweat and tears. Where are they at? Who's coming after me? Where are they shooting from? Am I really free? Is this my hell, where I'll lay to die? The place where all my buddies go, to fight for freedom while our significant others cry? Loading up my chamber, looking down the line, scream, aim, fire! sight to sight, everything is blood red, minutes seem like hours. the heat feels like a fire on my helmet. the touch of metal is like an oven. after the smoke clears I sit and look around me, bodies and blood everywhere, Am I really in Hell? Musicguy© Feb. 2007
  23. i had to vent one night, so i wrote this poem, its a little dark, but i am alot better now, i just want to know what anyone else thinks, i have blanked out the swares with asterisks. LIFE I don't know what to do, I think i'm gonna fall, Breakdown to the floor, And do nothing but bawl, This plane of life, Is about to crash, And in my heart, There will be a big gash I'm tired of being hurt, Tired of being used, I'm tired of being laughed at, And tired of being abused, My mom always says, "Life will get better", How can that be, When I'm put through the shredder, Some times i think, Everyones above, I,m just lower, And i'll never find love, I've tried many pills, I've even smoked dope, But it never helps, There's no way to cope, I got out the gun, I wanted to be dead, I loaded it up, And put it to my head, As i stared down the barrel, At the end of the muzzle, I figured it out, The whole f***ing puzzle, Life may not be great, Life may be unfair, But f*** what they say, I don't f***ing care, so now i'm okay, i'm feeling alrite, i can see my goal, its in plain sight.
  24. Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia I like writing your name In my notebook Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia I like thinking of you In my car Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia I like selling you crack In the alley Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia Synthia I like smoking with you Ín the street Ham Milk 2 packs of marlboros Some bean spread Tin foil Lighter Candy for sam Cat food (cheap cat food) Batteries (AAA)
  25. I was at this bar last night.. everyone so happy... and somehow I couldn't stop thinking about ex. These words just came to me so here it goes.. any suggestions to make it better or feedbacks are more then welcome. Thank you for reading it. ( I still love here so deeply it has been 8 months almost but I can't forget her. Empty bottles of beer and candle light I remember how I had you in my life Winter is here and I am all alone I can feel the cold through my bone. People come walk dance I don’t see you at any glance I remember the world in your eyes Now I all I remember is my night cries. I am smoking the last cigarette of the day. Hoping to see you some day.
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