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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  2. I've become heartless, cold and angry, yet i don't know why, I got over a tough relationship with my ex girl and found myself angry. I was seeing other women after that but I could'nt care less about them. Lately at work i've been somewhat of an a..hole to my co-workers, I don't talk to the family much and don't really care much about my close friends problems. I know it's not because of the break up, I got over that, but I still feel like I failed as a man or a person in general, I'm unhappy with my life, I don't wanna be where I am, but i'm stuck, I support my sick parents financially, there are so many things I want and can't have, I feel alone but don't really want anyone in my life right now cause I don't wanna bring them down with me it's a dilemma I can't figure out, I know theres gotta be something I could do. I know i'm not depressed or in need of a shrink, I'm sure it's something simple...I hope
  3. well my ex and i broke up over 7 months ago. we had not been talking until about a month ago.. we were both transferring to a new university (the same one) and we were both a little nervous. i guess he needed me there for support because he contacted me and we started hanging out again.. things were going WONDERFULLY and we were seeing eachother a few times a week. we spent valentines day together (his idea) and i seriously thought we would get back together. well this past friday he got angry and pretty much told me to get lost because i got mad (not even really mad, just asked him not to use the word with me )when he jokingly called me a b*tch.. well he said we can't go on the way we had been, we need to be just friends because thats all we are, that he doesn't ever see us getting back together... the same old stuff he has been telling me all along. well thats not the bad part, i took that and i left. i didn't contact him all weekend and i was just feeling sort of like "whatever" about the situation. i was tired of being his friend when it was convenient for him, or when he NEEDED me in his life. he got comfortable with his new situation (living away from home) and no longer needed me.. whatever.. well, here is the kicker last night at 1 we get a call from my dad, he and my grandpa were out of town visiting my aunt and my grandpa had a heart attack and passed away. i am very upset by all of this, but still sort of in shock and it hasn't really sunk in. this morning i called my ex to let him know (they were close when we were together) he wasn't happy to be getting a call from me, he did sort of the "what" answer.. but he said he was sorry and if i needed to talk i could call him. well just about 30 minutes ago i was REALLY feeling down and i called him, like he said i could.. he said that he coulnd't really talk because it "costs him (well my mom) too much because i don't have a lost of mintues left.. if you want, i'll call you when i get home and give you the number at the appartment" i said "no, thats alright, i'll let you go. bye" and i hung up. i COULND"T believe it, i would spend ANY amount of my money/time if he EVER Needed to talk to me, about anything... i am just floored by his comment and can't believe it. its not like im just some stranger to him, i was with him for over 2 years. i spent days/nights talking to him when he was stressing about his MATH classes for goodness sakes. i stayed TWO hours after school so i could meet him after his class to hang out because was having a bad day, and he can't spend a few minutes using his presious money to comfort me a little bit when im going through this??? i just don't get it. do i really mean THAT little to him?????????????
  4. Can anyone tell me what brands of vitamins are the best? I take them, but I don't know if the vitamins I take are good ones or not. Money is a concern too. GNC has plenty of high quality vitamins that are $30+ a bottle... So if anyone knows of quality vitamins that won't pt me in the poor house please respond.
  5. I found out last month that my husband had a year long affair with a women in another state. I found out this information from her 21 yr old daughter, who has been seeing my husband for the last 10 months. The daughter and my husband both say there wasn't anything sexual about their realtionship. But my husband did lie to me spend everyother weekend in Dec with this child, as well as spend money on her and her 4yr old child. My husband of 14 years is an over the road truck driver. He took the mother out on the road with him at least 5 or 6 times, and as he says "had sex" with her too many times to remember. He has been talking to the daughter multiple times a day since this past May, and even had pictures of her on his cell phone. He told me that he even offered to let her sleep in his truck (the one I pay for) with him one night after they went to a bar and it was really late and she didn't want to get in trouble. She still lives with her mom. He has tried for the last several weeks not to run in the area where they live, but that hasn't been sucessful. He says he hasn't called them or texted them on his phone, but I won't know until the bill comes out. He says because I am asking for reassurance about his commitment and love to me that I am pushing him away. We have made the commitment to stay together, but how do I get the images of him touching,kissing, making love to out of my mind? This is driving me crazy, I can't sleep, I am doing my job poorly and the kids are sufferring. I am seeing a thearpist, but he isn't. Please someone give me some advice on how to get these images out of my head. I want to stay with my husband.
  6. Hey everyone. I'm feeling kinda down and just need some friendly encouragement. Aside from being a nutritionsist(my day job) I am also an actor. I've done it forever, but unfortunately due to financial and family issues I've had, I haven't done it in a while. I recently decided to get back to it and did my first audition in a long time. I felt really proud of myself, because I prepared really well and had a killer audition. I felt very confident about it until I got an email yesterday saying that they regretted not being able to use my talent for this particular season, but that they sincerely appreciated my audition and wished me success. And also enocuraged me to audition next year. I am not really crushed or anything(I have another audition in couple weeks) but just disappointed and need some encouragement. I start questioning my talent and place in life. Any friendly words would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
  7. Ok 2 jobs come up at the same time, i went for both interviews, one was for an I.T analyst, and i really wanted this job, the other was a networking job. The analyst was for a big company and the I.T area was really professional and the area i wanted to get into. The networking place, is for a crappy freight company, and its not even an I.T area they just need someone to help another guy out, i didnt like the work surroundings, it just didnt seem professional in the I.T area , it was just basically help this guy out with the servers (very small in one tiny room) with the problems they had etc. Both positions are same wage, the analyst was like 10 mins walk from me, and the networker job was like 40 mins on the bus. I got told today i didnt get the analyst job and i feel really down, the agency woman swore i would get it, i was confident and thought i had it, it was between 2 of us, it was just such a shock that i didnt get it and it kinda hurt. Thing is, i have to ring the other job back and tell thenm what i want to do, but im not sure im even interested in that job now, not cause of the other placement was better, thinkink of it now, im not sure i even wanted to work in that place. One more thing, my parents are always naggin me to at LEAST get something, i have been tryign real hard these couple of weeks and they havent said much, do you think they will MAKE me goto this position. I forgot to add that this networker job they want someone in there for like 2 years, im not sure i will even want to be there 6 months lol. dunno what to do any suggestions?
  8. Well I have been thinking quite a lot lately about changing careers. I currently work in Engineering and have to be honest and say that there is a lot of pressure that comes with the job. Ok it pays very well but it does bring a lot of stress and work. So I was wondering if there are any school teachers around (even trainees) who could give me a few pointers about taking up this profession as a career. I understand that I will have to take quite a pay cut in wages but was wondering what king of wages, work/life balance there is in the profession? I haven't quite decided yet, if I would like to be a primary (4 - 11 year olds) or secondary (11 - 16) school teacher. Again some pointers might be beneficial. All I would need to do is to go back to university for a year to do my teachers training since I already have a degree in Engineering which I would use to teach mathematics, with probably a science subject as my secondary subject. btw, I do plan to speak to the Local Education Authority when I go back to work next week, but any help/insight would be appreciated, especially from those in the UK.
  9. I've been talking about getting in shape for awhile now. And I've been reading posts, and much talk is about going to a gym and whatnot, which you have to pay for. Since I'm only 16, and I don't have the money to pay for a gym every month, I'm going to have to find a way to get the results I need through home excercise. What I really want, is to tightly tone my stomach and chest. I have some definition in my stomach, but there is some meat there that has to go. What exactly should I do to get this *6 pack* that I want, and to tighten my chest (boobs lol). I was thinking about lifting weights and doing some excercises with an excercise ball because we have them and I heard they are good. So what should I do, and how often? Is it even possible? I'm ready to do anything.
  10. I found this while searching the net and it's struck a chord inside me. In the time it took me to read this I went from crying to feeling perfect. Hope it helps someone else. It was written by a beautiful person who remains anonymous. "My family treats me like an alien. They don't understand me; I can't count on them. They don't have any idea how I feel and they don't care. I try to get along but it is almost impossible to communicate with these people." "I have a hard time coping in the city. The traffic, the crowds, the smog, the prices (and it's not safe to live here). I do my best to get through it but I really live for the weekend when I can get away, or at least hide at home." "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time. Enough is enough. This flu has lingered long enough and I'm fed up with not feeling good." "If I had money (REAL money) all my problems would be solved. I'm tired of struggling, of not having enough for a short trip or a new car or a few decent new clothes. Other people have these things and nice homes, and jewelry, etc., and I don't have. I haven't had the opportunity to get the money I know I could make if I just had the chance. Rich people I know of aren't any smarter than I am and don't work any harder than I would." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many of us can identify with at least one of the above - or have. Maybe it is our constant mantra. All of the above are sounds of misery. Any feeling of lack, of loneliness, of decline, not being understood or appreciated, being depressed and/or frustrated - "Misery" is the best description of these feelings. Misery is a constant refrain. It is experienced in different degrees by different people, but misery is misery. There is a common denominator in all these feelings. In fact, they all the same feeling and have the same source - "I" or "Me" (despite the fact we are convinced it is "they" or "them"). The Law of Misery is this - the degree of misery experienced is directly proportionate to the attention on the self. The more miserable a person, the more attention he or she is directing inwardly. It is measurable, it is infallible. The minute the attention is turned outward, the same moment the misery evaporates. Turn it inward, the misery reappears. This is a law and is easily proved (check it out). It should be clarified at this point that self-knowing and self-observation are not what is meant here by inward attention. These practices are valuable and don't MAKE me miserable - I may be miserable, and by disidentifying, observe that I am miserable, and KNOW that I am and freely experience it - this is a world apart from blame and guilt and self-pity, which the above little songs are full of. Our function is to be aware, consciously, objectively, non-judgementally. The purpose of this function (I, this one, me) is to serve Life. What use would a camera be if its lens focused into the box? Would it serve the photographer? A microphone that picked only sounds within its metal casing? Would it serve the singer? A thermostat that registered only the temperature within its little covering? Would it serve the comfort of the party? A phonograph needle that only registered the vibrations within the arm of the machine? Would it serve the music-lover? Countless examples could be given. We are servants of Life; our service is to observe objectively what is going on around us so that Life can function through us. (And when we work on reporting objectively what is going on within, this is only a method of fine-tuning the instrument so that it can perform its function.) The moment attention is consciously diverted outwardly, the misery is thwarted. It is the law, it cannot be broken. I cannot indulge in the inward attention of misery and still perform my true function. The misery is not in the perceived lack, or pitiable condition - the real tragedy is the perversion of function. Whether we like the law or not has nothing to do with its validity. It will always perform. It is as reliable as, for instance, gravity, or any other natural law. Do I like or not like gravity? The question, of course, is so irrelevant as to be absurd. My opinion (or how I feel about it) is simply not relevant. Gravity just IS. Any attempt on my part to refute this will end in failure at best and disaster more likely! Breaking the law of attention/function will have the same results, although possibly it takes longer to show up. If it were faster, we might catch on a lot more easily! If I am truly interested in spiritual growth, I will have to recognize this law, and eventually will submit to it. There is no other way. The inward direction of attention - energy - is consumptive and will lead to decline, deterioration, death. (Not to mention neurosis and insanity!) The correct performance of function - radiation of energy - is the only method of spiritual evolution. It's up to me - once I see and understand the law my free will will choose and follow one direction or the other. There is no other way.
  11. Can't think Can't breathe I'm drowning in the drama Iv created I didn't mean to Didn't think they'd care And now I cry myself to sleep Repeat the words they tell me "You don't have to pay for happiness" I clutch my wrist "You don't have to be strong" I wipe the tears off my face I'm insane and they know it I'm insane and I know it I'm overdue and I know it Iv been too happy And I haven't paid for it Iv taken all this happiness And haven't given any blood I know I need to pay the price And then I know that I don't have to "You don't have to pay for happiness" But it's so natural So normal "You don't have to pay for happiness" But I do... It's my punishment Because I know that I don't deserve happiness… "You don't have to be strong" But I do because I have no one to lean on "You don't have to be strong" But I feel like I need to be, even though i don't want to be And I'm so confused that I rip at my hair And I cry my self into hysterics And I cover my ears to drown out the words i know are true but can't abide by The words get louder as I scream myself into insanity: "You don't have to pay for happiness, you don't have to be strong" Tell me what you think. And ou can add a poem of yours if you have any...
  12. Okay Ive broken up with my bf of 3yrs that Ive lived together with..he told me he never loved me, never intended to marry me and was relieved I did it. In the heat of the argument I learn he's cheated on me and I was stunned I had thought all this time he had been faithful, I was very wrong. So I went and made plans to move out..I had him sign a roommate release agreement which is legal and binding in my state. I agreed in writing to stay at our town home till February 5th and then Im moving out. So legally I am responsable for only the first week of rent that's pro-rated. Problem is he wont accept the agreement and can't grasp he signed it and gave his okay to the whole thing. He wants to hold me to paying my share of half of the rent. When that failed he then tried to force me to pay half of the half..but still no luck. Finally he has resorted to threatening me and my new car. He has threatened to take my bed that he bought me as a gift to replace the one he didnt like sleeping on 2yrs ago. The law firm told me it would cost him 3x that of what the 2yr old bed is worth and the lawyers would get a 33.3% cut and once its all done and said he'd really have nothing to show for putting himself further into debt. They told me he is tossing a fit over a mere $90.00 difference and that its not worth getting upset over. Besides they said your moving to an undisclosed new address how is he going to get a bed back if he doesnt know where to look?. He doesnt know the true date Im leaving and is thinking its on the weekend so Im advised to let him continue thinking that. He has not yet become aware he cant sue me for rent after signing the release agreement and when he does it will come as a shock to him. Ive spoken to the apartment's law team and they told me he has no legal grounds when he signed it he became the soul party responsable and Im no longer even on the lease. Im free to move and not look back on the cheating runt. Here is my problem...I only have to pay for one week. What Im doing is legal and binding and I owe him nothing. If I choose to pay anything more its out of the kindness of my heart and right now after learning about the "other woman" I dont feel inclined to be so generous. He knows he's now obligated to pay for the townhome now on his own be he somehow thinks he can bully me into paying. So he is still is tossing a tantrum about the whole deal. Ive got one more day and Im avoiding him at all cost. Advised not to anwser any calls he may make to me on my cell so he cant keep track of my location or activity. How would you deal with this situation if it were you?
  13. i am in desperate need to talk to people about what im going through. ive always had a lot to say but not a lot of people to say it to, so i thought that going on this forum would help me get unbiased, real opinions on the events that have became my life. i apologize for the length of this story in advance, but would really appreciate some input about how to cope with what im going through, which might very well be, one of my biggest challenges of my life. back in may of 2004, i made a big change in my life. i left a guy that i had been seeing and living with for nearly three years and moved 1500 miles away to california. when i went out there, i had no idea how much it would change my life. for the first couple months, realitively nothing major happened, and i was attempting to heal and recover from my situation back in kansas. i met a guy in july that would change all of that. he was a marine at the time, stationed in california, and we developed a friendship instantly. we talked about things we had in common such as music, art, and much more, and found out we were both from the same area, which was really cool. i was very attracted to him and vice versa. we went on our first date in early august and have been together ever since. things went really well with him and myself the first month. we had a lot of fun, and he quickly became my best friend. i loved spending time with him, and the more i was with him, the more i realized that i was falling completely in love with him. things moved very quickly for him and i, and one day he was very angry at his situation in the military, very frustrated that his unit was going to be activated and sent overseas. well, the day that he was supposed to be activated and given his assignment for overseas, he decided to ditch the military. he has been awol for almost three months now. being awol is no small matter, and if the military ever found out where he was at, he would be facing almost 25 years alone in military jail. so, we decided at that point in time, it would be best if we just drove back to our homestate. i know that it wasnt very smart to take him back to our homestate. althought i made it clear that i wasnt happy with his choice to abandon the military, i would do what i could to give him a good life. we arrived back to kansas, and were given a pretty rude welcome home by my parents. something about this guy really set my parents off, and they havent gotten over that since. well, as time went on, our relationship began to fall apart. he never wanted to go home to see his parents or sister, and began to rely on me to find him places to stay. most of the time, i bought him hotel rooms for the night, using money i didnt have and breaking my bank account to apease him. i felt very bad for him, thinking that i had to help him get his life in order. i didnt think that he had much in his life, and he told me that his parents werent very happy with him, which is why he rarely saw them. i knew that his mother is dying of breast cancer, and his father and him rarely spoke. one day, things changed. i went on his email to look up a phone number of a guy that was supposed to be fixing my car, and wound up finding an email that i shouldnt have read but did. it was to a friend of his that hes known quite a while and it said things like "hey sexy...cant wait to see you...youre going to get it when i see you...love ya" as stunned as i was, i printed the email out and confronted him later about it. he pretended like it was no big deal and that theyre just really good friends who have a friendship like that, they just banter back and forth like that. i told him i didnt really believe him because i have guy friends that i would NEVER talk to like that, even if i was single. i told him if it was really not as big of a deal as i thought, then to let me talk to her and ask her myself. he wouldnt let me do that, saying "if you dont believe me, then whatever". we tried calling her once, but she wasnt home. later on that night, i wound up forgiving him, and he asked me to marry him. i accepted. well, a couple days later, i knew i had to find out for myself what was up with him, and how he would react to someone IMing him on the computer. i made up a screen name, and pretended to be a girl. he was very receptive to this made up girl, telling her that he was single, and, ultimately, how much he would like to meet up for a date sometime. at the end of the conversation, he gave out his phone number and told me (as this girl) to call anytime. two days after this, life changed for him and i, as we found out that i was pregnant. the day that i found out, he dropped me off at the hospital to get a test, and as he was parking the car, he texted the chicks screen name i made up saying "hey girl, why havent you called? miss you..." i couldnt believe it when i saw he had written that to her no more than 10 minutes before he found out that he was going to be a father. when i told him later that the chick he had been writing to was me, his reaction was one of "i knew it was you! thats why i kept on messaging her!" i didnt feel like he was being honest, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, as i always do. from there, things went from bad to worse. in the weeks that followed, we were constantly arguing, mostly about my parents not being very receptive to the thought of us being together. he had since moved into his sisters house after i couldnt afford to keep buying him hotel rooms. one night, something very serious happened. we started to argue about really stupid things and it escalated into something larger. he wouldnt let me leave his sisters house, blocking the door, and when he finally did let me out, he followed me. as we argued in front of my car, he lunged at me, hitting me in the face and bit my cheek as hard as he could. i was so in shock i could barely move, and all i could say is "youre a monster, i dont know you." he has never hit me since this but the fear was unbelieveable. as soon as he realized what he had done, he started to apologize profusely, "im sorry baby, im so sorry, i love you" and a cop car drove by at that moment, and he told me "lets just go inside" rather than drive away and never see him again, i followed him inside and he held me all night, petting my face and saying how sorry he was. my cheek was pretty bruised but i carried on. as much as i knew it wasnt a good idea to stay with him, i did anyway. shortly after, i tried to break up wtih him one time but he gave me this pity party about how he didnt want to have another failed relationship and how much he loved me, etc. so i stayed. again. because im a pushover. things went okay for a while, but it seems like with every good moment, theres like 10 bad. about a month ago, things went even further down the hill for us. i decided out of pure desperation to buy him a car. even though i knew id never be able to afford it, i bought it. the following monday, i cancelled the check i wrote the car for, and put a stop payment on it. the car dealership became irate with me for it, as the car was entirely in my name and they needed their money or they would turn me over to the prosecuting attorney. i told the guy im with about the situation a couple days later and it got him really upset with me too. he yelled at me, calling me every awful name and telling me that i was stupid. well, one night, my dad got a phone call from the car dealership and they said that they had turned the case over to a prosecuting attorney. i dont know what made my dad more upset, the fact that i was still with this guy who my dad calls "the parasite" or that i bought him a car with a bad check. anyway, i wound up attempting to get the car back from my boyfriend, who had been driving it since i bought it. he refused to let me get it back from him initially and i told him i had to talk to him at some point in time about everything that has been going on with us, from the car situation, to our child we're having together, and everything else. well, two days before new years, i hung out with him. he told me that he was going to bed at 9pm, and i went home at that time. he told me to call him when i got home, and when i did, there was no answer. it wasnt until 11pm that i got a hold of him, and he said he was at quick trip. i told him i thought he was going to bed, and hes like "yeah, im going home after this". the whole situation really bothered me. infact, it ate at me horribly, cause it just didnt feel right. the next night, i was continuing to feel pretty weird about it. i decided to check his voice mail on his cell phone, and i was in for a huge surprise when i did. the night that he told me he was going to bed at 11, his friend called him at 235 am and says this exact message i simply cant shake from my head: my heart broke when i heard that message. i couldnt believe what i had heard and didnt know if i was just reading more into the message than i needed to be but something inside shattered when i heard the message. i wish you guys could heard the tone of his friend, it was just so ... arrogant and non chalant. like dont mess things up with your girlfriend, but feel free to cheat on her as long as you dont get your emotions involved. so, i called my friend up. i had him listen to the message and hes like "wow, at the very least, hes totally using you, but chances are hes messing around on you" well, i called the guy who left the message on my boyfriends voice mail and hes like "i dont know about anything that went on, but your boys a sly man, we all went to ihop with tracy last night" THE NIGHT HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO BED!! wow. i never mentioned i heard the message, just that i didnt have a good feeling that my boyfriend was being honest. well, i called my boy after this, and asked him what he did the night before, and he said he went to ihop. when i asked who he went with, he told me everyone but tracy. i said "so you sure those are the only people you went with?!" he kept insisting YES, so when i said, was tracy there too? he finally says "oh yeah, i forgot she was there" i dropped it, but the next day i called him again and said we HAD to talk. i couldnt get in touch with him all that day or all that night (which was new years). the next day he finally calls, and we arrange to meet up so we can talk. i go to his sisters house and he says its not a good time cause his mom was there. i was about ready to leave when i saw the car and realized i had to get the paperwork for the car i bought him cause if he was going to be mean about the situation and not give me the car, i could present the title to the police (which is in my name) and drive away in the car without problem. so, i went to tell him this, as he was standing by his car, and when he opened his car door, i saw a pair of high heeled shoes in the passenger seat. i asked whose shoes they were cause god knows they werent mine. he didnt say anything at first, and later says theyre "a friends". i leave shortly after that, knowing in my heart they are tracys and hes lying to me. well, later on that day we finally are able to have the talk that we've needed for all too long, and he just sits there and stares right through me as im talking. i asked him point blank if hes cheated on me, he says no, and i asked him to explain the shoes. he gives me this roundabout story about how theyre tracys and they all went to some party, she didnt like the outfit she was wearing, so she changed, and got drunk at the party, and because "drunk people forget things" she left her shoes in his car. well, i just dropped it after that, even though i didnt believe him at all. i attempted to start talking about the baby, and after a couple minutes he says to me "are you done lecturing me?" i was so in shock, and stand up, put on my coat and say "i thought you could discuss things as adults but i guess i was wrong" i started to walk to my car, thinking id finally leave him but i turned around! i couldnt believe i did that, and was really upset at myself. i wound up going back in the house, and he hugged me and said he was sorry, blah blah. same ole same ole. i just couldnt believe after all ive done for him, ive given him a child, ive given him shelter when he had none, ive lied to my family for him, ive destroyed my relationship with my parents emotionally and financially, ive loved him wrong or right, and he says thanks for all that by being with someone else and robbing me blind? well, hes been trying to stay on good terms with me for the last few days, but i know its just not right. a couple days ago, i tried to tell him that i thought we were growing apart, and he wouldnt have it. he tried to tell me i was crazy and that we just need to live together and get our lives on track. i dont feel that way though. my heart is so beaten up. i just dont know how to leave him and tell him im done, even though i KNOW its not in my best interest to be with him. hes a piece of crap, and he treats me very badly. i see all the red flags, but i feel like im in quicksand, slowly sinking and dying inside. i hurt so much. i cant ever just walk away. i have a lot of love for him but its not the kind of love that will save this relationship. im losing my mind over him, my heart breaks for him, but at the same time, i cant let go. just answer me this, how come i know its bad for me to be with him but for some reason i cant let go?
  14. We parted ways nearly 3 months ago and I never got closure from him whatsoever. He took the easy way out and this has been very hard for me to move on from because I never knew WHY. I would like opinions as to what may have happened on his end (guys, feel free to comment) as well as thoughts on what I may have done wrong. Sorry it is so long I met my ex here in my hometown and we were both out at a club celebrating our birthdays, which fall 2 days apart from each other. He seemed very shy to me, and only met by chance due to my sister talking to one of his friends. We started talking and hit it off really well. After the club we all went over to his apartment and hung out for awhile and I gave him my number. He called the next day and set up a real date. Things were going really well, he was an absolute sweetheart to me. Always called when he said he would, was never late, and began talking about our future pretty early on in the relationship. He would tell me he wasn't a ladies man, and he couldn't believe I would talk to him, he even told me he thought he wasn't attractive. He told me he was falling for me very hard and even told his mom about me. His mom suggested we get holiday pictures taken to send to family members. He talked about finally finding me, where was I the whole time he was in my hometown (he is in the army), even mentioned marriage and kids. Now I thought that was a little early..I remember thinking that at the time, but ate it all up, he literally swept me off of my feet. He brought flowers to me once a week..Then he told me the bad news, that he had to be transferred to another state, and he had just found out and it was all short notice. I was devastated to hear the news. I thought, just when I find a great guy, I lose him..but he asked me if I would consider moving to be with him, not right away, but in a few months. I told him I would consider it, I wanted to get out of my hometown for so long, I saw it as a great opportunity. Around this time is when I know I made my first mistake with him. He was over at my apt and made a snide remark and I got a little huffy about it. He told me he was going to leave my apt..I said fine. Well, I didn't hear from him after that for nearly 3 days. I was confused, tried calling, always got the machine..even went over to his place and he wouldn't answer the door. I thought he was just not going to talk to me anymore, and that hurt me. So then I get a hold of him and I ask why he hasn't called, he just said he has been sleeping this entire time! Can you believe that. Sleeping? Nice excuse! He said he wanted to continue the relationship, by this point I'm sucked in hard and I stay. Right before he left for Oklahoma, he stayed in my apt for 2 weeks and we got along very very well. He was never verbally abusive to me. He has never called me a name. Then he leaves, and we talk on the phone every day until he was scheduled to fly out to Iraq. The day he was leaving for Iraq, he all of a sudden became very defensive towards me on the phone, saying I was making him feel guilty for going to Iraq. I had no idea why he said that..I was just telling him how much I was going to miss him, not talking to him for weeks, etc..He actually hung up on me! that little spat he had confused me so much because I didn't feel I was saying anything to make him feel guilty. Anyway, we did talk again, and everything was still a go for me to move down there. He was really good to me, sending me some money to pay for half the plane ticket when I visited him down there first), he seemed like a honest to good, genuine guy to me. I thought for sure I finally found one worth keeping around! So I sold my furniture, quit my job, lost my apt, and sold my car to move there. I didn't move until July, so it was a good 7 months after he had left. It took a lot of planning. I also paid the movers a large sum of money to ship my items down there. When things were good, they were really good, the first month was really good, then things started to change. Two weeks after I got there, we had our first argument..I hadn't sold my car yet and the plan was to buy a car there and get a job, which I needed to sell my car to get money for the new car. 2 weeks in, I notice he never wanted to go out and do anything, and he slept ALOT. I ask him we should go do something and he just says he's tired from work, and that if I'm bored maybe I should get off my rear and get a job! Then he would ignore me. So I get a car, and try to get a job, 12 resumes out to my area of "expertise" and get only one job offer, during which time we get into a fight. This time it's about how much time he spends on the internet. It was all he did. We did go out to eat/movies on the weekends, but after work, he eats dinner (which I always cook - funny he liked to cook for me BEFORE I moved!), and gets online for the rest of the night. So then he gives me the silent treatment for 2 days and at this point I'm frustrated and I want to go home (I had also found out he was frequenting a website that involved webcams and chatting...need I say more) He realizes I am serious and asks for a 2nd chance..I love him so much that is almost what I wanted him to do. We have separate computers, and he has read my msn chat logs and I had talked to my sister about him on there...and that was what caused the first fight, because I made him look bad to her.. That maybe was a mistake on my part but i was venting and had nobody else to talk to. So I didn't take the job offer because I thought I was leaving. He now p-word protects his computer but still reads my msn chat logs whenever he wants (when I'm sleeping). Just made me think he was doing something he shouldn't be EVEN MORE. So then things get set pretty much in a routine..he started having "headaches" alot and soon the sex was becoming less frequent..like maybe twice a week at most..when before it was, well..much more often. He even said I am like a guy! I want sex too much! haha yeah right. If only I knew. It was also becoming a scheduled event..only when he wanted to, and only right before bed. We stopped really talking about anything significant..his talk about marriage/kids disappeared completely and he never introduced any of his friends to me..though since he moved he didn't have many there...but one of them came over once unexpected and my ex left the apt and talked to him outside. The last few weeks I was there he began really pulling away from me..Always on the internet, too tired to do anything else..always in a bad mood complaining about work. I began thinking..this has turned into something I don't want to be a part of. So negative all the time, started snapping at me for no reason (for wanting to pet my cat?) and just seemed like a real drag to be around. I started having second thoughts, though I really loved him a lot, I just really didn't see this heading to marriage. Still I held on, hoping my knight in shining armour would come back. Suddenly all the things he liked (that I liked early on in the relationship..imagine that) he started to hate. The final straw was when I walked in and saw him chatting w/ one of his friends about a girl, all i saw was her username and he had aksed if he met her yet. Well, my ex frequents this message board online that I never understood in the first place, so I never went there before..but I did now..I was curious what he was doing with all that online time. Well I found out plenty. I made an account there and read a majority of his posts and found out about that girl, talked to her and she told me an earful. He had asked her out just the week before..and offered to take her to a concert. He made sexual comments to her on a regular basis. I also found from a mutual online friend that he talked about women in a degrading fashion all of the time and he had told this person also that he felt him and I had nothing in common! Since I couldn't get a job, I took out unemployment, he said this was fine w/ him, and had no problem w/ it..when he actually DID. So this all came out in the open about the girl he was talking to, he came home late from work (really late) and said "I spose you're mad at me"..I hadn't brought it up yet. I was upset because he spent our 1 year anniversary on his forum talking to HER. Let me also say I hated not having a job and it was driving me nuts being home all day. He then tells me she was just a friend, he said he asked her to the concert because he knew I wouldn't go (thought I didn't like the band) and she had no other way of going than for him to pay for it! Just a friend..well..she lived in the next town over...30 minutes away. and his public posts to her kept asking "when are you coming over"...and "do you wanna be my present for my birthday"...this hurt me a lot..so much I wanted to just leave...and leave I did. I never got an apology, he didn't try to stop me, he was so indifferent about the whole thing..moving back 4000 miles, it took me time (5 days) to get it all said and done, and he never tried to talk to me. I tried to talk to him, wanted to work it out..and he just said "what's the point, it's over". I felt he never really tried at all to keep our relationship together whatsoever. It was like..easy come, easy go...like he could care less. This really bothers me a lot because I invested so much into this relationship, and I couldnt' believe he just gave up so easily. He made alot of promises he didn't keep, I caught him in a lot of lies, and it seemed he would rather be online than have anything to do w/ me. I know he looked at online porn..alot..but I figured all guys do that. But he did it ALOT. He lost interest in me. He'd rather be online that be w/ a real person. that was what I was feeling. He made me feel so worthless. I have tried to contact him (I know...bad) and he still won't tell me what he thinks happened to us from his point of view. He always turned the blame to me...he was always innocent..and I think he actually believed the lies he would tell me. so why did I love him so much? I loved who I thought he was. The person I met in the beginning..and it was NOT the real him. In fact, the posts I read from his forum, he seemed like a vulgar, outgoing, outspoken, sex-driven jerk..the opposite of what I was attracted to him for. I 'm sorry so long, I just am seeking answers that I know he won't give me, and I've given up on him totally..no contact. My only other long-term relationship was my high school sweetheart, which lasted 7 years, I had never had a guy treat me this way before. He had promised to send a few things I had that were still en route (my birthday gift from my friend) and then sends me nasty emails saying I abandoned my things when I left. I am emotionally drained, and tired of these thoughts that take over and won't stop. I just want to get over this and move on. thanks for listening, feel free to offer any suggestions or ideas, thoughts, etc.
  15. Hi everyone. I have a question that falls into MANY different categories here. I just picked one of them and decided to put it in this one. Here's (are) my question(s); I go to school on the internet. All the students at my school are in high school and all in Wisconsin. I started talking to a girl from school on AIM back in late October/early November. We have talked almost every day since then and we have become very close. In late January, she told me that she was fairly certain she liked me. We decided on February 8th that we wanted to be Valentines. We decided Valentines day night that we wanted to be "official" together. So, we've been a couple since then. I just turned 16 on Monday, and Jessi (my girlfriend) will be 18 on May 10th. Now, on that note, the first question I have is, do you think this is acceptable? Just over a year's difference between us? Now on to the next subject. She lives about 150 miles south of me. How do people make long distance relationships work until they can become short-distance relationships? We both want it to work for as long as it takes for us to get closer to each other in person. Third.... She is thinking of coming up to my area after her 18th birthday so her mom can't tell her she can't come *her mom isn't happy about her being with me for some reason Neither of us has very much money, so what would you suggest as a good date? We are both very fond of nature and such, so we know we want to go for a nice long walk along the river or something, but what else could we do for not a lot of money? Lastly, we both know that when she comes here, we want so badly for it to be the day we have our first kiss. Only problem is, we're both scared of when to make the "first move". We know that when the moment's right, it'll just happen, but how do we know when the moment's there? The other part to this question is, how should I kiss? I'm scared to death that I'm gonna mess up and she'll kick me and run away screaming I don't want to be too "strong" on her, but I also don't want it to be just a little peck on the cheek so she thinks I'm wimping out. What should I do? Thanks for your help, if you can give me any. Any at all is appreciated. I'm brand new to the world of dating, and I'm so glad that the girl I found was my first. She's absolutely perfect in my eyes, and she feels the same way about me. All my school years, I've been ridiculed for how I look. I'm too fat... I'm too smelly.... My clothes never match... Well, for once in my life, I've found someone who looks PAST that and sees who I am! It's so awesome! *And yes, she knows what I look like... I've given her a few pics of me* --Ben
  16. Okay, I am new here and just want to hear everyone's thoughts abou this... My husband dated this girl online 6 years ago. They never met. She actually turned out to be fake. He said he should have seen that all along, considering she sent him pictures, and all the pics she sent him were of DIFERENT people. He found several of the pics a few years later on a porn site. He says he was in denial. She also constantly asked him to send her money, which he never did. This was obviously before we met. The problem is, he still makes mention of her on his AOL profile, stating: "I have went into a dream I never want to wake up from." We have been together two years and I think it's about time he erased that. It's been SIX years since he had this cyber relationship. When I first moved in with him and he helped me set up an aol screen name, he updated his profile right in front of me. He explained that that line was about her, and he liked the quote so he was leaving it there. I didn't think too much of it then, I thought after so long of being with me he would change it out of respect if nothing else. Now almost two years later I have told him this bothers me, and he won't. He keeps saying "I don't update my profile that often." and stuff like that. I thinks thats a pretty dumb excuse. He also keeps telling me it's not that big a deal and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am very frusterated with this. What does everyone think. Do I have a right to be upset or am I just being silly? What do you think I should do? Comments please...
  17. So I have been married for over 4 years, and I am starting to wonder if I made a huge mistake. Now I am not the type of person that will leave at a whim, and I know I have very important responsibilities as I am also the mother of two little girls. But a few situations have happened that I have no way to grasp my emotions. Let me explain... Six years ago I met my husband and I was a thin little thing. I got pregnant and gained almost 100lb. My husband never said anything bad about my weight...just that he loved me, but if I got to 300lbs he would divorce me. Well he met me thin, married me fat, and I thought that it meant he really loved me for me. Well after my second child was born I was 260lb. I decided to lose weight and I got down to 128lb. My husband all of a sudden started getting jealous. I told him he had nothing to worry about and that his jealousy hurt me and made me want to do things to make him jealous…I said that to make him stop. Things evened out…..we bought a beautiful new home, a brand new car things were going good. All of a sudden my husband decided to leave the military against my advisement....see he had no back up job lined up, and really no formal schooling. The Military was a wonderful place for him. Well while on terminal leave, then on unemployment, he went into a huge depression. Only his feelings mattered and I felt alone and I started drinking more wine than I would normally drink. He finally got a job with the state, that didn't pay very well….if it paid at all, and he worked grave yard and did a lot of overtime. If I saw my husband it was his face in a pillow. I was doing everything at home by myself. Well finances were getting very tight and we could no longer afford our mortgage. Brandon decided we would move to Oklahoma as he felt we could get more help from his family than we could get from mine. I really did not have a choice, I felt at the time as I had to be with my husband. My only other choice to make was divorce….and there was no real reason for it. So as my husband continued to work…..I painted our house inside and out. Finished little projects that had been started and never finished and I prepared our house to be put on the market…by myself. I sold our house almost a year to the date we bought it. I was leaving my life that I had known my entire life and moved from the Seattle area to a little town in Oklahoma. It took a while for B ( B for short as I am tired of spelling out husband) to get a job, but we were living rent free at his family's lake house. ( A place I know his late father used to manufacture meth in and it was not a place I wanted my kids in). I am very isolated, my kids have no friends, so I decided to go to work, at the first place that offered me a job (at B's work as his boss's personal assistant) and I placed my kids in daycare so that they could socialize. B gets only $500 a week take home and is paid on a salary basis. He spends 50-75 hours at work a week with no compensation. He comes home from work just to head right back out there (no he is not cheating, I know he is really working) but he is never home. B is the plant manager and one of his employees made some very inappropriate comments to me over and over again.. I told B and my boss and I was told by my boss that I deserved them….as he can see how I talk to guys. I ask for it. B's response was…..I see his point. Well I am a smart $%#….always have. No guys ever mistook me being a smart &*^# when I weighed almost 300lbs. Now I feel like I cannot even have fun at work anymore. I have my boss and my husband judging me. (and trust me if I was going to flirt….it would not be with any guy at work….especially the one that makes me uncomfortable as he is old and nasty and has hair coming out of his ears) I would at least flirt with someone with an education (I work in a box plant where most employees only have a GED, are ex felons, or have no teeth) and ha a chance to go something with their life. I am hurt he would even think I would have suck low standards for myself and that basically I deserve to have an old man touch me and tell me how blanking hot I am. When my grandfather passed away right after Christmas I wanted to go home. B acted like he was upset about the money that I almost didn't go. My boss saw how upset he was and paid for my airline ticket. I would of never of made b feel bad about going home to his father's funeral….and we were financially in a bind then. Now I have met a couple of girls here in town and I am starting to get a little bit of a social life….I mean I have met no friends I can just call to call….but a few co-workers, and my new hair dresser really kicked it off (because I am a licensed cosmetologist also and she wants me to work with her…but have to transfer license) Brandon does not want me to go out with them, even though I encourage him to go out with his friends….friends he has had since childhood. He checks my e-mails like I am doing something I should not be doing. When I first found out about this site from a friend, he came in and was trying to read what the site was about. I asked him if he was going to read over my shoulder. And he replied…well if it pertains to me and you pertain to me I deserve to know. Am I over reacting? I worry that because I am homesick and everything is new I might be. Please set me straight. I will stop now as I could fill up page after page of rants. Just typing this out helps. I need direction. Safi2
  18. Ok - u guys are gonna all read this - think - Shes OFF HER ROCKER get her some pills - but here it goes. So - my current relationship is going absolutley nowhere - I've written about this before - don't feel like finding the post cuz i'm so hyped up - well theres no feelings - haven't had a date in forever - definitely breaking up - especially after now. Wish I had done it sooner But, I know I SHOULD have broken up by now - cuz I'm so SICK of getting treated like [Profanity Removed by Moderator] all the time - him yellin at me - criticizing me, pretending to love me, overreacting over small things - THE LIST GOES ON. and NOW..... I went on a date tonight with another man - maybe this should be in INFIDELITY - except nothing happened - no kiss - just a casual first date typa thing. I didn't think it was a date before I left - he wrote me a reference letter for the work I've done for him - which he had to resign and wanted to do somethin nice for me after all I've done for him - so he wrote me this fabulous reference letter and was supposed to give it to me over coffee today So question is - IS this a date? We went - he picked me up - kinda came by surprise cuz I wasn't sure what time we were going - drove around thinking of a place to go - finally decided on a place - and ordered some coffee - and I won $20 on a scratch ticket so I figured - I'm gonna treat myself good and ordered this fabulously expensive coffee. He ordered the same - on my request. We talked and talked. Wait - HE talked and talked. lol. He has so many amazing, great stories - hes so entertaining - so fun to listen too - I've always been the quiet one. I don't deny it. I don't feel bad about being quiet - I'm always quiet - have been since i was 2 theres no changing that - unless I have a lot of alcohol... lol. So after an hour I took off to go to the washroom - came back - he ordered me ANOTHER coffee. Same thing. By this time I'm thinkin - can i still afford this? But I was thinkin well put my cash and my money left in my bank account - yeah should be good. I thought I was buying HIM coffee - we had joked about it. So then go the washroom AGAIN (after two hours) come back and hes got the bill paid - nothing I can do about it - its done by the time I get back. So that took me by surprise - I mean I'm always the one paying with my current - well ex-boyfriend now. Then we went and sat in the car - in -40 degree CELCIUS weather - Frick its COLD here - be glad u are not in Canada right now. Listened to music and talked even more. Half an hour later, he says he best be going - the night ends with a nice polite hug and thats it. He said 'call or email anytime' I said 'u can do the same' he said 'i will, definitely' that was it. Ok i guess thats a date. I just need to get this out cuz theres no one I can really talk to about it! Besides my cousin but she doesn't know about all the history with my ex. Anyways - this guy is amazing. Everything I would want - everything my parents would want for me - kind, extremely good looking, same religion, same beliefs, very caring, very responsible. I can't believe hes like in his 30s, still single, never been married, never had kids, nothing serious. 15 years older than me. I hope this goes further - I want to do something - call him again, ask him out again - NOT Sure what to do - any advice here? I'm not the type to sit around and wait to see whats gonna happen, wait for him to call. Ya know? But like when should I call, what should I ask him. I'm getting very mixed signals on if he likes me - or if he meant for this to be a date or what. I'm also a bit more nervous about it cuz hes a lot older than me. And I don't know what his intentions are. I wish to God I knew but I don't. One more regret. I wish I had WAITED for a guy like this to come along. Even if this is not the guy - especially if it is. I always thought "you know I"m never going to meet anyone perfect" always settled for less than what I deserve (let this be a lesson to all), got myself into a ton of trouble cuz I just gave up hope and figured, theres no one out there, all the good guys are taken, all the good guys are MARRIED at that. Always wanted an older man, for some reason attracted to them, and always wanted a man that shared the same passion and beliefs that I do. And here he is. So i think. Geez, you know I could be completely wrong. I just WISH I knew. Anyways - someone reply and give me some advice/input on this. I'm so hyped up. I need to calm down. Really should take some pills. lol. THANKS.
  19. I am in my mid-twenties. I was dating someone for 4 months but he left for this summer (he'll be back in 3 weeks). Before he left we decided that we could date other people if we wanted to. So after a few weeks and no phone call from him, I met a guy who was in town only for the summer (he's only 21). We hit it off and immediately started sleeping with each other. He was really sweet and we had a lot of fun together. He left for back home (which is the other side of the United States) two days ago. I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago. I tried to ignore it and tell myself that he was better off not knowing since I had already decided that I was going to have an abortion (for many reasons...I am not financially secure, I am single, I want my baby to have an active father and I had been taking antibiotics that could harm the baby). But now that he's left I have been having guilt dreams and nightmare dreams. I do not know if I should tell him or keep it to myself. My friends tell me not to. I don't want anything from him. I am capable to pay for it by myself and he wouldn't be able to be there I just feel guilty for not telling him since its his baby too. I also don't want him to freak out on me and never talk to me again on the phone because we remain friends.
  20. I have been seeing my boyfriend for 4 years. We moved in together almost immediately. We have talked of getting married and he took me to look at rings almost 3 years ago. There was a period of time where we would look every weekend for a ring. So naturally, I became pretty excited. Being a girl, I expected it to be soon and I got a reality check when he told me that he could not afford it and that he was only looking. So, I left the situation alone and did not mention it for a while. Over the past three years, on and off again, I bring the subject up. Lately he has gotten aggrevated. I am starting to get really annoyed at his excuses. He says that he cannot afford a ring. I totally understand that but when I see him blowing money on un-necessary objects it really hurts my feelings and makes me think that he is only making excuses. Here is the deal now. We are buying a house together. We close very soon and now I am really starting to get a bad gut feeling about the whole situation. Of course he is excited about his new house and he is looking at guy things like pool tables and fun stuff of that sort. But i am getting really ticked off when he is thinking about financing a pool table but he won't finance my ring becuase he "doesn't want anymore payments". Although he says the pool table is "down the road and he is just looking". Over the past month or so I have been really sick over the whole situation. The other day he said, "do you really want a ring from someone that you pressured to get?" My response was that he is buying a house with me and there is no pressure there? I really got my feelings hurt because I feel that these are all excuses. I love him more than anything. We never fight or have a bad relationship, but I am not going to be in a dead end relationship. I feel that I should have never moved in with him. I might be married by now. I don't know what to do because now I am going to own a home with him. It's not like I can just leave at any given second without a big mess. I don't want to leave but I am getting really anxious and frustrated. I am sick over this almost everyday. If anyone out there can give some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!
  21. I' have this friend who is cheating on her fiancee.. who she met only 2 months ago ..everyday she tells me she is going to marry him because she has too but she is completely in love with the current boyfriend of hers of four years ......i am friends with her fiancee and his family aswell; things are really bad i dont know what to do because i told her many times to be honest with her fiancee but she always try to do the opposite she even told him she loves him which is a complete lie and i know it for sure is that she is marrying this guy for his money, He thinks she is this innocent girl who has never even thought of a guy let alone dating because thats what she has been telling him she has made comments to me in regards to his money that what if he has no money and she wants nothing less then a doctor i told her if she is so confused she should take some time to think about it and first end her relationship with the first one she says she will but goes behind my back and sees this guy again at the same time keep telling her new fiancee she loves him what do i do?? i m in the middle of this wicked game of hers....Did i mention her fiancee is my boss too...... PS...This is just a little glimps on what she has been up to .......
  22. I finally realized that my wonderful, sweet b/f is a spineless control freak. I broke up with him and I'm really upset with myself for getting involved, once again, with a jerk. I know that the only reason I got involved with him in the first place was because I felt lonely and isolated. I moved about 10 months ago to a place where I didn't know anyone. My family and friends are not close to where I live and even though I have gotten to know a few of my neighbors (My ex was one of them, although he recently moved) I still feel really isolated. I get so scarred living here sometimes. The logical side of me knows that there is nothing to be afraid of. But my emotions get away from me sometimes and I end up feeling depressed. I actually feel like I can't take care of myself. I feel like a freak. I work from home, which leaves me, stuck here just about 24/7. I feel so desperate that I want to move back to my hometown. Doing this would mean a pretty big financial lose and I'm not sure that running back is the answer. Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated.
  23. My girlfriend and I have been having some issues that I need some advice on how to sort out. I'm not sure if it's just me reading too much into things (which she usually says it is) or if it's truly a problem that both of us need to work on. Lets start with the shallow basics, Financial. (this isn't a big deal it just kind of bugs me) My girl makes a lot more money than I do, but I tend to be the one spending more money on her, I recently took a step back and realized this. We trade off on paying for dinner and/or movie tickets but I'm always buying her little (and sometimes big) gifts, but she never does anything like this for me. I don't do it because I expect anything in return, but she is just coming off as kind of cheap…she'll spend 90 dollars on a pair of shoes, but she'll insist that I pay her back for some 19 dollar discount computer cables she buys for me, whereas if it were me, I would just buy it for her because she needed it and tell her not to worry about it, as I have done with many things in the past. It's not a big deal. She's also recently picked up the habit of failing to ask if I want anything when she's picking up coffee or food or something, not that I would always make her get me something, but she always used to at least offer. I don't understand this, am I just overly generous? Is she cheap? Did I do something to make her think that I wanted this? Another thing that actually bothers me a lot is her secrecy. She is a private person. She claims to be very open but has done some things that lead me to believe she is not. 1. We were looking at pictures on her laptop one night and I pointed to a folder that I wanted to see and she suddenly decided she didn't want to look at pictures anymore because they were pictures of her ex's dog and she missed the dog and it would make her sad. I told her that's fine, that I would just look at them and she didn't have to, and she said no, and that she would just be in the other room and I would be looking and she'd know I was looking and it would still make her sad. We argued about this for a while and she just continued to make a big deal out of it which made me believe she was hiding something, so I confronted her about it and she denied it over and over again but still wouldn't show me the pictures to prove it. She offered to show me the next day after work (when she could have had time to delete any incriminating ones anyways) and I said no. Then she turned things around on me and tried to act angry about me not trusting her, and basically I didn't but it was because she was giving me reason to be suspicious. Eventually I let it go and never saw the pictures. 2. We were hanging out one night after watching a movie or something and she got on her laptop to check her mail, I came up and hugged her from behind and she closed the window she was looking at and opened one showing her Comcast bill, then as I stayed there, she went to several other websites, one for student loan info, one for this, one for that, but never back to her email that she was obviously reading. So I went to the kitchen to grab a beer and came back, and stand next to her and see her yet again close the window containing her email, so I move slightly out of sight range and she opens it again, move back into range and she closes it. Does she think I don't notice this? Then she says, you can go ahead and go to bed I'm just checking on my bills I'll be up in a minute, and continues to look at her bills (without typing, because who writes letters while checking bills?) so I go upstairs (her bedroom is a loft) and I quietly look down on her and she is typing very slowly and softly so that the keys don't make any noise, which is unlike her because she types very quickly. 3. She has password protection on her computer and cell phone and whenever she closes her laptop when I'm around she pushes a command to bring up the password prompt so that I can't see anything on the screen. She says it's just because she's paranoid and does it all the time because she's a tech geek and knows all about computer security, but I went over there the other day and saw that when I walked into her house she was upstairs and her computer was slightly open, no password screen. She is not the type of person that would cheat, but why the hell is she being so secretive? How can I trust her when she hides so much? Whenever I ask her about her privacy she says she's not private, she very open and has nothing to hide and then turns things around on me and says I don't trust her and makes it my problem. She turns a lot of things around on me, and somehow manipulates me (whether conscious of it or not) into blaming everything on myself. If I don't trust her it's my problem, if something she says hurts me I'm being overly sensitive and it's again my problem, if I tell her she's being pushy or putting too much pressure on me for something she tells me she's just being supportive and I'm taking it the wrong way and again it's my problem. Everything wrong with our relationship has become my fault in some way or another, she sometimes admits to things if it's something that she doesn't mind being blamed for, but if it at all coincides with the behavior of the person she doesn't want to be all of a sudden it's not her problem, she finds a way to blame things on me. And I don't think she's doing it on purpose, I think she is just in denial and really doesn't want to admit her faults although she says she has a lot of them, when they come up, it's not her fault. I'm always the one who has to change I'm always the one that takes the blame for things and it's always my problem and not hers. I can't talk to her when she's like that, I can't reason with her, every time I try and point it out she tells me I'm just misunderstanding her, when I think she's really just misunderstanding herself. I really love this girl and I really want things to work between us but the problems that we have are so broad that they come up in everyday life and it causes a lot of tension between us. I've talked to her about all of this a one time or another but I'm very emotional and she doesn't really show a lot of emotion so it just comes off as me being paranoid and freaking out for no reason and she yet again turns things around on me, how do I talk to her about this stuff without her becoming defensive? How do I fix these problems without causing more stress on the relationship? She and I had a fight on the phone last night and I told her I couldn't talk to her because she wasn't listening to me and she eventually asked if I wanted her to let me go and I said yes, so we hung up, she usually emails me every morning, this morning I got nothing, I'm not surprised really but it makes me not want to contact her, I feel like the longer I go without communicating with her the more numb to her I am. I don't know what to do. Please help me, I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but these problems arise so often that I just end up pushing her away because I'm madly in love with her and scared of her and what she could do to me.
  24. I am 22 years old and i drink every day I havent done it that long but it might be going on 3 years, to me thats not as impoprtantas somethings b4 that it was weed mostly, u know, or maybe you dont live in california, and i dont care what you think its better than alcohol, problem is who can afford it, and yes im sure its better just to be sobor, anyway i havnt worked in a while because of alcohol, im not even sure what started it because i feel like my brain is "wet" i cant think anymore i havent worked in a year i have become affraid of life, alcohol is the devil you dont even notice things it creeps up on in your life sometimes, other times its damn ovious, yeah i cant spell, anyway i think it comes down to FEAR, i think i started drinking when i became affraid of the situation, the "TRuth" i was in, i didnt like it at all and trust me it was bad, anyway i think i started to drink reality away, problem is now i realiz it, and i cant get reality back cant stop, and it sucks. help me you cant only i have the key just like only u have the key, you have to choose like or death period. Life is not a game. I wrote this in response to somebody but if u have somthing to say to me even tho what i said i will be appriciated i could use som advis other than my own. help me ! and others
  25. Ok - heres the deal. My kitty cat is kinda sick. He's only six months old, and well, everything is fine with him except he is very wheezy. So, cuz a friend told me they would help out with the bill i made an appointment with the vet. Now, everything is fine with my kitty cat except him being wheezy, he still eats and drinks just fine and hes very playful, runnin around the house all the time. Well, my friend just said he cannot help out, which is fine i should have expected as much, but that leaves me pretty tight for money if i take him to the vet. So I can take him in, and then pretty much not eat for 2 weeks, OR, i could not take him, and have enough to buy a few groceries and stuff and keep myself alive. I think I'll go with the 'not eat for 2 weeks option' cuz I am really worried about my baby. I tried researching the problem myself and nothing comes up, except that i should see a vet. At least the vet can tell me what needs to be done and then obviously i wont' be able to afford to get the problem fixed but at least i'll know what to expect and what i COULD do if I could ever round up the money to help him. I'm really sad, very stressed out, kinda angry with my friend, but i know i shouldn't be as he has done a lot for me... ya know? I'm just wonderin what i should do, or even if someone could give me some advice on how i can help my kitty cat... he is my little baby - i'd do anything...
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