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About Me

  1. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  2. I have been going through a motivational slump off-late, and it hit me a few days ago when I saw how I had wasted the weekend. I text my Mom to share this with her, and my Dad chimes in and gives me a long sermon about what would help my mental woes. While it was all good, healthy stuff he was telling me, I was really not in the head space to listen to any of it and I was kind of worn out by the call. I video call my fiance and joke about how Dads are always the ones to give us the "Dad talk" when we go to them with problems. His Dad is kind of similar, and we share a couple of jokes. My fiance has always been a very humorous, laid-back, loving personality. Although we live around 1000 miles apart, we talk so much throughout the day and he always greets me so lovingly that the distance isn't as palpable. Now during this phone call, he asks me what my Dad said. I start to tell him about how my Dad suggests waking up early in the morning. He starts to make a joke alluding to how I am a late-riser, which I am. He makes a couple more jokes which I do not even remember, but by now I start to get a little miffed and I tell him "It's late, go to sleep if you are feeling sleepy." I know that's a very passive aggressive way of saying I did not want to talk. A little while later, my phone starts acting up and I explain to him what's going on how this is a recurring phenomenon. My history with poor-quality phones is kind of a running joke with him and my family, so he starts laughing and joking about this one. By now, I am really annoyed and I repeat the same line as before, and I am sure my face looks pissed, too. After that, I have basically checked out of the conversation, telling him to go to sleep. He senses this, then abruptly says good night and cuts the call and I go to bed.The whole of the next day, I decide to not text him as I am still a little angry from our previous conversation. Finally, the day after, thinking this is a silly conflict to be mad about, I message him. He says he had wanted to give me space and just let me be the previous day. I ask him if he is mad. He says he isn't, just realized he needs to be more serious about a lot of things. I notice a tonal shift later in the day when we talk. Not wanting to push this under the carpet, I open up the conversation again, admitting that while I was definitely annoyed and some of my rage may have been spawned from a bad mood, I would never want to hurt him this way. He says it's nothing to do with me and he's just reflecting on how he needs to be more serious in life in general. I do not know if this is a permanent change or a phase. I do not want to tell him how to behave, but I miss his old self. Any advice? Edit: A couple of details I forgot to mention: I apologized to him during the last conversation. I told him I fully remembered how I reacted, and I am sorry I caused this hurt and this reflection. I also told him I am not going to dictate his behavior, but humor is part of who he is, and that I do not want to be the person who caused it to wane. I repeatedly said sorry and that I should not have behaved that way. Also, in the past, I always tell him that I am either not in the mood for a joke, or that he is taking it too far. I prefer to be tactful in communication. This time, I was having a low moment and was not in the most rational frame of mind. While I was at fault, it's not a behavioral pattern.
  3. My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved. I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr. I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family
  4. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  5. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  6. Hi everyone, I am a 29 year old female dating a man the same age. We have been together for a little over two years and just got engaged over the summer. Our relationship for the most part has been great and we have never really argued about anything major besides this issue. What happened was that on NYE, we had been out having drinks and all the sudden he confesses to me that he has hooked up with a girl from our main friend group and has been feeling extremely guilty that he has been keeping this from me. He felt really bad and ashamed that he made such a bigger deal of it by keeping it for over two years instead of just telling me in the beginning of our relationship. I actually believe that a partner does not have to necessarily disclose his entire sexual past, but what concerns me is the fact that he felt so guilty but kept it to himself for so long. That tells me that he had a guilty conscience that he buried for a very long time. It’s started making me wonder what else is he hiding? What else could he keep to himself for so long now or in the future? I asked him if he had anything else to confess and he said no. A few days later (today), he asks to talk to me and says that he also felt he needed to confess that he has slept with one of his sister’s friends (we see her occasionally). He says that it didn't cross his mind when I first asked him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me, but that he felt he should this morning. Another point that concerns me is that he said that he feels horrible that he ruined a friendship with the first girl he confessed about, but they continued hooking up for two weeks. If he was so concerned, why did he continue? It makes me feel like he can’t control himself when it comes to sex. I never thought I would ever have to worry about him cheating, but I feel paranoid and that he broke my trust. He also only confessed because he was super drunk. Was he ever going to say anything? I guess I am wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do I have reason to be worried or am I overreacting? Do you guys expect your partner to disclose his/her sexual past with someone you interact with regularly in the friend group? Thanks everyone.
  7. My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!
  8. My fiance broke up with me this week. I am destroyed honestly. He told he thinks he's gay and he needs to explore his feelings. I'm trying to be understanding because I love him but it hurts so much. We never fought. We were perfect for each other. We lived in an apt together and the past few months we started looking for a house. We found the perfect house. He started becoming distant and I thought it was just stress which he agreed. I thought things would get better once we finished moving. He put the house all in his name because I have little to no credit and he makes more money. I had a bad feeling about this but he reassured me. The day he closed on the house he broke up with me. I feel betrayed. Did he plan this all along? He says he's only been questioning his sexuality the past couple months and before he was completely attracted to women. He said it's like a switch flipped in his brain and now he's not attracted to women at all. He told me if he doesn't like being with a man that he would call me. I can't handle this pain. I'm really struggling with this new reality.
  9. This is a really complicated story and very hard for me to write. I was with my fiance for 3 years and our relationship was fabulous. We were close and very much in love. He had some issues and jealousy with a close male friend of mine that I have known for over 20 years and I ended up choosing my relationship with my fiance and letting my friend go. This was a number of years ago and all has been ok since. Over the last 12 months I have started battling with anxiety and it has gotten worse despite being on medication and seeing Drs. It had turned into panic attacks and agoraphobia. I was finding it hard to even leave the house and my Dr recommended I take some leave from work. I advised my boss (I am a subcontractor) and after 5 years of service for the same company I was dismissed overnight without even a thank you as they couldn't understand what anxiety is and why I needed leave. Just like that my world fell apart. No job and no income and battling anxiety. I told my fiance what had happened and he told me not to worry that with my skill set he was sure he could help me get some remote work that I could work from home. I was so happy to hear this and he said he was going to drive to see someone he knew to ask him would he consider speaking to me and giving me some remote work. I loaned my fiance $150 to go see this person he knew who may hire me. Everything was great - no arguments, total support from my fiance. I was feeling blessed. Then suddenly he went offline and I couldn't reach him online or through his phone and this is odd he always has his phone with him. I thought he must have had an accident so I frantically began calling his friends and family and they assured me he was alive and well with no accident. I didn't know what to do - I realised he had blocked me. But why? A few days later the $150 appeared as a depost in my bank account and no word from him. It has been a few months now and no word from him. My close male friend of 20 years who I haven't spoke to for years made contact with me just a few days ago to tell me that my ex had contacted him and threatened to kill him and told him to stay away from me. I don't know why he contacted my friend from all those years ago that I no longer talk to. My ex has since made contact with me and wants to come back. I asked why he left me the way he did and he said he is an honest person and doesn't feel I was being honest with him about my anxiety and work situation and he is putting all this back on me. He is not accepting any responsibility for this and says he wants to come back and make a new start and that he loves me. I love him but i don't trust him anymore. How could he leave me like that at my lowest point when I needed him most. I feel like i can't trust him or lean on him anymore if anything was to happen in my life. He has not apologised as he said he has done nothing wrong and his exact words were 'when there is no transparency i like to be away' Is he a narcissist? What do I do? Please help.
  10. I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I will be proposing this month. Whenever we get dressed up to go out she wears her wedding band (not engagement ring) from her ex on her right ring finger. I thought this was weird so I asked her about it. She told me that she just thinks it is a pretty ring and that she likes to wear it. She said that when they got married he made her buy her own wedding band and that he did not spend a dime on it or even go with her to pick it out. So to her it has no meaning (it's just another ring). She told me that she divorced him after 3 months together because they had zero connection and he treated her badly. I can kind of see where she is coming from saying it's just a ring to her, but the fact that it was meant to be a wedding ring still bugs me a little bit. Am I being ridiculous?
  11. Just to give you a back story, my fiance has never been physically abusive. Short tempered and a bully verbally when he gets mad, yes. But never physical. We have two kids together and have been together for a few years. So anyways, the other night he and I were casually discussing child support when he (half as a joke, half out of curiosity) decided to pull up one of those child support calculators online to see what he would hypothetically have to pay. After getting the results he laughed and said "By the way, if you ever take me for child support, I'll kill you." He has never threatened to harm me, so I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Despite it bothering me, I tried to ignore it by giving a simple laugh and saying "yeah right." To which he responded with a straight face "I'm serious. If you ruin my life like that, I'll ing blow your head off and then kill myself." I was speechless because he has never shown any indication of ever being violent towards me. The threat seemed out of character. A day or two later, I brought it up again because it was still bothering me, but I maybe I'm overreacting, so I ask "that was a joke, right?" He laughed and said "no, I'm dead serious." But the way he said it, he sounded like he was joking? The conversation was dropped and has not been revisited. He's not the "talk about your feelings" or an "open dialogue" kind of guy, so I don't want to bring it up again. Child support is a non-issue for me, and I obviously have no intentions of needing that from him. We have plans to be married soon. But his comments genuinely scared me, just to think that he could be capable of saying such a thing, much less actually doing it. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting for feeling this way. Should I be worried? Could this indicate a deeply rooted issue that I'm blind to right now? Or is this a poor attempt at a joke, and I'm being overly sensitive? Like I said, no other indication or threats that he would ever harm me.
  12. In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating. Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/ I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.
  13. Hi all, Has anyone recently gotten married in the state of PA? My fiance and I are planning on getting our marriage license tomorrow (Bucks County) but on the court website it states that there is a 3 day waiting period in regards to obtaining the license. "Title 23 of the Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes requires a 3-day waiting period upon applicants' appearance before a Clerk with required documents and fee." Does this mean that we have to come back in 3 days to pick up the license or does it mean that we can't be married within 3 days of filing the application? Any help would be appreciated.
  14. I'm going to try and keep this short and to the point. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. He recently took a job out of town which we thought would be a great opportunity since we've struggling financially. He's been gone barely 2 months. He's living with some friends of an old coworker. The problem is we barely talk. Like we chit chat on messenger throughout the day. But when he calls we talk for like 5 minutes and that's about it. He always messages and says he's off work, he's gonna go home and charge his phone and call me in a few. Well that turns into like 2 or 3 hours. He always call pretty much right before he goes to bed. Or always has some other excuse. Last week we were on the phone and he said his roommates had company over and he didn't want to be rude... Like I kind of get it. It sucks when you have to walk outside to have a conversation. But I'm his fiance. When I was away helping my parents with a bunch of stuff last year. I had to walk outside to talk to him and I didn't care if it was raining or cold or to hot. I took the time to have a conversation with him. Am I overreacting or over thinking? I've been trying to have a conversation with him about how this all makes me feel. But it's like pulling teeth to even stay on the phone with him. He's always got something going on with them or he's to tired and is going to bed. Plus I'm trying to not to add to the stress that we are already going through. since this job isn't working out the way we thought it would and we're broker than we've ever been. And I'm having surgery this friday and he won't even be here and I don't think he even tried to find out if he could come home for that... Sorry for the long post. I've got a lot of pent up stress and emotions.
  15. I posted the other day at probably the lowest point for me since the very abrupt end of my relationship with my fiancé. He has ghosted me since the split which was driving me insane as all I wanted was some answers. Well today I got what I wanted but not in the way of hoped. He still had no answers but did not struggle to attempt to make me feel bad for him. It was all about him. How he feels (without even telling me how he feels), how I'm being unreasonable when expressing my sadness over the situation and how I have no understanding of who he is as a result. He was simultaneously trying to make me feel for him whilst he attacked me for feeling anything. A side I'd never seen on him before. I've got my closure. He's a manipulative, childish liar. Bullet dodged and I thank all the kind words of advice in my last post. I still love him and miss him and wish things could have gone differently but I am finding myself lucky not to have to go through that again as it would only have come out at a later date and destroy me.
  16. Im 40 yrs old, been with my fiance for about 8yrs now. He has 9yr boy that his mom has only allowed him to meet and visit with in this past year. She never did give reason from keeping him from his dad. He always paid child support. And stayed in touch with her. The boy was allowed to stay with us this past summer. (Mom and child out of state.) He had bad behavior issues and ADHD. When it was time for him to go home it only lasted 1 week and his mom called saying for us to come get him, cause she cant handle behavior anymore. So he now in school here and living with us. She gave my fiance temporary emergency custody so we can enroll him in school, go to docors,etc.. my fiance finally convinced his mom to move back here where we all live. (Our state is also her original birthplace where everyone lives.) But his boy was born in the other state. But now the mom is saying she wants the child back and wants to move back "home" she practically just got here. Now my fiance is planning to get legal advice to see his options if there any. Now with the legalaties aside, in the event she continues ahead with this move and he cant stop it, he is contomplaining moving there as well cause he wants to be near his boy. So my question is this; What should i do about this r.ship? The thought of him devastates me, been together 8yrs, built a life together. Im not in position to move out of state, and im very close to my mom who is gonna need me more as times go on. He doesnt even want to move there,but feels stuck. The reason this woman wants to move is that the boys grandmother(which is her mom) says she wants to go after her for grandparent visitation. I guess she says her mom is manipulative,etcc. She told us that the boy is NOT allowed to see her so we have to respect that
  17. Hi all And I can understand why you are thinking “YES PHONE SEX IS CHEATING” But hear me out I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 years, I have been loyal to the core to my boyfriend now fiancé. I don’t club, or go to bars or even have many guys friends I never put myself in situations where I flirt or do anything to harm the sanctity of our relationship However my fiancé has never been emotionally or physically present, or available to my needs. Not once in our 7 years has he given me any physical pleasure in the bedroom and I haven’t complained once about it- yet he knows how much intimacy in the bedroom means to me If we have sex or when ive done my bit and made him... you know what... at night sometimes I go off to the living room, and have an orgasm and fall asleep on the couch by myself Sometimes I get so frustrated I resent him I’m afraid too that because I shut down on him so much like this he may give up wanting to be with me eventually and the break up in our relationship may be inevitable I’ve come to a point now that I can’t even sexually fantasise about him, last time I saw him and got intimate with him.... I felt nothing and I felt disgusted in myself But he’s so lovely in orther ways and I do love him so much which confuses me. He supports my education even though I am miles away, he is always encouraging me and motivating me to be the best I can be and always has my best interest in mind. He gives me advice and comforts me through his words or texts. We used to skype so often in the first two or three years now I don’t even know where Skype is on my laptop - it’s been YEARS I don’t even get as much as a phone call anymore. Whenever we do meet up after months of being away, I look out to other couples around us and long to be having as much fun as they are. I ask him if he’s okay and like routine he says he is tired every single time we have met up, after months of not seeing each other. He is tired. When I’ve been waiting for this moment to see him and be held for months but I get a brief peck and we move on with our date. I wish his hand would be on the small of my back, that he would hold my hand in a restaurant. I always take initiative and reach out for him and hold him but he shrugs me off. I just wish... That we would hug me and kiss me because HE himself wanted to So coming back to phone sex.... I was on a forum and I became acquainted with someone online we exchanged numbers -making it very clear that we are just friends and have the same interests in gaming And just on our third phone call and adding each other on social media He said he would love to date me and the conversation turned very sexual leading to phone sex He wanted to meet in person and he was very much from the sounds of it a giver in the bedroom, and he had figured out that in the past no one had ever pleased me and he was sorry for it. Yet I closed it down after the FIRST, and LAST “phone sex” encounter because my guilt didn’t even let me sleep that night and for some strange reason I hated myself and felt sick to my core. I cried myself to sleep at 5 am. I told the other guy that I’m sorry and we couldn’t continue like this and it’s best we just stop speaking because I am in a relationship. And I truly do love my fiancé We know each other like nobody else And I can’t picture being with another man in real life physically, I just could never do it in real life Another man touching me kinda creeps me out and I can only feel comfortable around my lovely fiancé. But I don’t know why or how I did it over the phone..? Do I tell him about what has happened? What do I do next? And how do I address my problems with intimacy without hurting his feelings or making him feel less than I really don’t think he will understand my point of view and I’m aftaid many of you will not either. But as a woman I believe intimacy is just as important to us and should be reciprocated even though I’ve been letting it go for so long...
  18. Hi This is my first post on here so It may be a little long but hopefully some of you have some time and advice to spare Ok so I am a 30 year old female and I am recently engaged. Things with my fiancé are perfect. It is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Before him I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and meeting my fiancé was like a breath of fresh air. The only problem is he has been married before and has 2 children from that relationship. The children aren’t the problem, we get along great they love me and when they are with us we are all very happy. The problem isn’t even his ex. They have not been a couple for 10+ years, she is re-married. They only communicate about the children and see each other in passing when they exchange the kids. The problem is me. I can’t get over the fact that I am not his first for anything. I know how petty and immature it sounds but part of me is almost angry at him that this won’t be his first wedding, that when we have children they won’t be his first. I know this seems so crazy because I willingly got in a relationship with him and I knew these things up front. I can only say in my defense, I have never dated someone who has such an extensive past before, especially one that is still connected to the present. I didn’t know that these feelings would come up as we started to make our relationship more serious. I didn’t know that when we got engaged, I would be wondering in the back of my head if it was similar to his last engagement. That I would become obsessed with trying to ensure that our wedding is completely different than his first. That I would only want to have girls because he has 2 sons already. I can’t shake the feeling that everything I am doing with him has been done before. He is so sweet and has tried to assure me that their relationship was nothing compared to ours, that he never thinks about their relationship or compares the two but I can’t shake the feeling. Most recently I found out his mother (my future mother in law) is still friendly with his ex. This sent me into a complete tail spin. I’ve always had the fantasy of having a mother in law I could be close with. And finding out that she is still close to his ex-wife really broke my heart. This has come up several times recently (during wedding planning) and it’s really starting to affect our relationship. My fiance has expressed that he does not know what else he can do to assure me that things are different with us and that he is happier than he was before. I don’t know what to do with my jealousy and my feelings of being “second best” I don’t want to destroy this relationship and I wish there was some rule book on how to be a second wife. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation and how they dealt with these feelings. Thank you.
  19. Hi, first time poster just wanted to get some unbiased opinion. So a little background...my fiance and I met at work about Feb of 2016 (we no longer work at the same place together) and have been dating since early 2017. She and I had a great connection from the start, better than I have had with anyone else, ever. She says she feels the same. I was 38 and she was 30 when we met. She has two girls and I have 3 boys. In the beginning, we used to hang out a lot. Our schedules with our kids fell on the same weekend, which means we had every other weekend as a "no kid" weekend. Even on the weekends we had kids, we would hang out sometimes all together. We had the initial talk and waited a couple of months before slowly introducing each other to our kids, we tried to do it the right way with their feelings in mind. Things were ok and going well until about 9 months ago. My fiance's ex is very manipulative toward the girls. He uses the pity, victim role towards them to get sympathy. Btw, my fiance left him because he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to her, as well as an alcohol and drug abuser. He says things that make my finances oldest feel sorry for him and guilty for the fact that time with all of us together is fun. So her oldest is 10 and she is very attached to her dad. Her oldest has stated that she is uncomfortable with me being around, which means I basically cant see my fiance when she has her. Her younger one is 6 and she thinks I am her best friend, no problem with me at all. My boys love her and totally accept the situation, they actually ask when they will get to see them again because they like them all. The problem is, we cant hang out because her oldest one "isnt comfortable with the situation". My fiance is trying to be a good mom to her daughter and says she doesnt want to force her relationship on her. I understand that part and I dont push it. We had plans to move in together and start our lives, but her oldest wanted to finish her school out through 6th grade, she has been going to school with the same kids since 1st. Long story short (too late, sorry) i guess my question is to see if this is normal. We live about 45 minutes away from each other, but I feel like we are time zones apart. I get advice from my close friends and family and they tend to take my side and say the things need to change, but I need unbiased opinion to deal with this because I feel really lonely in this relationship but I understand the situation with her daughter...so I feel a little caught in the middle. I hope this makes sense, let me know if there are important parts I left out. Thanks for your advice everyone.
  20. Hello, I am new here. Seeking a little advice. I have been with my fiancé for almost three years now. We have a three month old little baby. Since the baby has been born he has been acting very different. Almost every other weekend he has found a reason to hang out with friends or go out of town. We live in a city that we both hate currently, but I’m at my wits end! I do not think this has anything to do with another woman or anything like that. I think it has more to do with him having a hard time adjusting to his new role, living in this awful city, and him hating his job. But with all that said, the resentment that I feel toward him is building and I fear that he and I won’t even make it to the wedding next year. I have expressed my feelings, but I don’t think he gets how serious this is to me and how serious this should be to him! I am not sure what do...
  21. Ive been with my fiance for 6 years. We were getting married in April. We go to burning man every year and run a camp and performance group. there was a girl in the performance group who was also camping with us. she was dating a guy in the group too but they were rocky and on and off. i knew my partner had some kind of interest in her but they never hung out or anything yet he was messaging her alot before the event flirty and offering alot of extra help for the event. it annoyed me and he knew it, but i really didnt think was into him at all. did not act like it. at the event he hung around her alot. i am very confident and had alot of trust and thought you know if he wants to make a friend thats a girl fine, thats fine, and one night we were waiting for other campers to arrive, we were going to wait till 2 am then turn in, but we had been hanging out with this girl. he was doing alot of drinking and cocaine as well. her too. not me though. anyways so i decide to go to bed and tell him to come in in an hour or so. i thought i was being cool and trusting and i wasnt worried at all honestly i was just really tired. wake up at 5 am and hes still not back. i fly out of bed and start looking for him. i could have sworn i saw the girl riding off on her bike with another guy so i figured at that moment they werent hanging out so i was worried where he was, just mad he wasnt back. 40 min later he comes wandering back from esplanade (which is like the vegas strip version of this event) and i got mad that he came back late. the next morning we went out just together and had an amazing day, but then that night he started treating me bad and fighting. it continued the next day. i had to take a pregnancy test and he didnt come with me, when i got back to camp he was coming out of her tent with a drink. i was so mad. we all decided to go out as a group to adventure aroung the event. i took pictures with her all posing in front of him, later in the day he got mad randomly and ditched the group. i had a heart to heart with the girl about how he had been mean lately and i noticed hanging out with her alot. the next morning i had enough. i KNEW she didnt like him so i told him to go to her tent and ask her and confront her so he could get over this puppy dog crush and stop treating me so rudely. he came out and acted as if she said she didnt like him and he said he thought we should leave the event for a couple days. the girl came BALLING her eyes out to me saying she didnt want ot be the reason i was leaving and i asked if anything had happened between them and she said no no i dont like him at all. so we left the event for a couple days me and my partner, it was akward, i was upset he had abused my trust by spending too much time with her but i believed nothing physical had happened between them. the wedding was postponed and we were in a very complicated place. i had no idea they had slept together that night i let them hang out, and i only found out this week after we have been home. because he agreed to go to therapy with me for his anger and treating me badly, i had no idea it was because he HAD slept with her. he went back to the event to take down camp and do to performance, i decided to fly out to see my mom. (so i missed the burn night and the perforamance i worked all year for) he said he wouldnt talk to her but at that time i didnt know we had already all been hanging out after they had sex. he gave her a necklace he got as a gift from the event people. i was very upset he talked to he even after we had left the event and i flew somewhere else. my mom says none of these details matter. he seems to be trying to make things work and its a huge deal for a guy like him to be in therapy. he even asked if he could start seperate sessions aside from ours which i think says alot. i just realized though i had the timeline wrong. i thought we left the day after they did that, but really days went on where i didnt know and was hanging out with them and seeing him alone with her. he says nothing more happened and i also talked to her. she said she never wants to see him ever again and they were on lots of cocaine and drunk and she doesnt even know why she did it and feels horrible. so idk. i feel like i keep focusing on details and replaying it. i feel stupid. i am struggling focusing on work. im wondering if i should tell my boss what was going on. i do massage therapy and im very close with everyone and the spa owners can tell something wrong. i also need advice how to get through this. i have a great therapist who is now working with both of us seperate and together. i just cant believe they slept together in a tent when i was waiting for him in ours RIGHT next door like 10 feet away. anyways sorry for the novel.
  22. Im going to try to make this short so Im not going to try to say things nicely, just bluntly so you get can my honest perspective. I love my fiance and his family too, this is just the truth and the way things are IMO. Most of his siblings have kids and drug or alcohol problems. CPS has even gotten involved in one case. His brother who got engaged right after us (to his 20 yr old girlfriend who has a 7 yr old from previous relationship) just had the wedding last week and their baby is turning 1 soon and they invited everyone to the party. It seems even through their horrible relationship, cheating, abuse, police being called all the time, just way too hectic for a couple with KIDS..they still are making life happen. His dad gave them a condo, the call her daughter his daughter, they have a new baby together, they are now married...yet they are so immature and volitile...and I used to go along with everything and not be so judgemental, I used to try to get along with them and go to all the family events but now my fiance and I do what WE feel we want to do, because I honestly am sick of watching these people have everything handed to them that I am working so hard for. I wasnt able to have our baby when we got pregnant many years ago. It still hurts, and on top of the jealousy (even though I know I am in a much healthier and happy relationship and trying to do things in my own time in a way I believe is responsible) I guess its also because ALL his siblings have kids. The whole family goes out and does the kids things...the things Im DYING to do, but interacting with their kids just makes me feel really sad, and even if Im not being left out I feel that way. I guess I just want advice on how to work through this irrational "jealousy" or if theres another word for this and Im also wondering if theres something more I need to work through with the personal loss I went through, even though I chose to, I should be happy because I DID make the right choice..but its hard when everyone wants us to do all these kid things. Is it messed up for me to keep turning down these kids and babies birthday invites or am I doing right by me?
  23. Quick back story, after not this past hitch but hitch before that ( oilfield lingo a hitch is time at work in my case 28 days) I went to see the fiancé, had a great time, we talked a good bit, I thought had a plan in place, paid her rent etc etc. I go back to work last hitch we go days without talking, don’t like it but ok we are both busy so that happens. She gets sick from trying to quit drinking. That was week before last. Then last Saturday I get a call from my neighbors up in Arkansas telling me my house up there has been broken in. I get off a few days early, go get my dog, drive to my house in Kentucky ( spent 16 hours in my truck Sunday) go to a friend of mines dads funeral Monday, get up early Tuesday drive to Arkansas go check on the house, talk to the cops, they check the house and give me their number. Drive another hour north, spend the night in Jonesboro, spend Wednesday on a John Deere 8830 dragging a 45’ chain disc getting a field ready for planting, get done, drive back to my house in Kentucky spend Thursday and Thursday night there, get offered a job for a different boat company, drive back to South Alabama spend the weekend with my son. Ok now that’s over, in that time period my fiancé has gotten an eviction notice from her house, ( which she told me last time I was there she was going to let it go and move in with her mom) so I told her to pack her kit and shag ass to Kentucky, she starts in on this telling me how we are so committed, how loyal she is, how we are bound. I’m like ok so I already know this but still kinda weird coming from basically an ice queen who shows no emotion. I tell her I’m going to go down to lousianna Monday to talk to the guy about the job, (that was Saturday. I think) I’m sittin here studying on it pretty hard, like the sechdule but don’t like the pay cut ( I’d loose 10k/year going there and I’m not in the oilfield just for sng) so I decide not to take the job. This afternoon I saw where a friend of mine was in town, haven’t seen her in 3-4 years, asked if her and her daughters would like to go lookin for Alligators tonight for a couple hours, didn’t think anything of it. We are just about to wrap up, my fiancé texts me, asking what I’m doing, I tell her out looking for alligators with a friend that just got in to town, I hook the boat up and we are hauling butt down a narrow river at 30mph ( I love running rivers at night, it’s just exciting) get to the ramp I’ve got 5-6 rapid fire texts, which friend, why didn’t you take the job, so I explain all this to her, then she goes off telling me how bad it hurt that I was out seeing and entertaining this other woman. I explained to her that I had known this other woman since we were teenagers nothing ever had nor ever would happen. Also told her since I had taken off early I was going back to work Wednesday. Then she really got mad telling me she had her answer on how I felt about her and us, she wasn’t going to sit there and loyally wait for me to come to her any more. So I asked her if that meant she was going to start seeing other ppl. She said no your the one that does that. I guess I just pure stupid bc I don’t understand any of it. One night she loves me next night she thinks I’m screwing somebody else. I reckon I screwed my friend with her 16 year old daughter in the boat with us. I’m confused.
  24. Essentially got left by fiancé of five years together, with her quite quickly going into the next relationship. At this point in time, this relationship has gone pretty official, though I know they were hanging out pretty early into her bringing up issues with us (December-ish). I’ve wished my ex fiancé well, and have told her I forgive her for all of this, though it really doesn’t seem to matter at this point in time. From my understanding, we had a good relationship that wasn’t really bogged down with fights or any sort of big issues (cheating, verbal abuse, etc.), though I had been taking my stress home too often from work over the last year. I guess at this point, there doesn’t really seem to be any recourse I can take to fix things, though I’m plagued pretty often by regrets over things I didn’t do well enough in the relationship such as spending more time with her on a consistent basis. I asked several times if anything was wrong holding up our engagement but didn’t want it to feel pressured at all either with any deadline for a wedding (pretty chill with all that). From my end, how do I move past regrets of things I didn’t do well enough? I’m able to forgive her for everything and believe she is a good person, but continue to have so much self doubt in my own worth. I don’t mean to sound too depressed, I’ve gotten in the best shape of my life, am hanging out with friends, and am actively pursuing my Masters degree since all this. I just know there are some really good posts in previous forum topics I’ve read over the past several months and am open to suggestions:)
  25. This isn't the first time he's called me a dumb ass or a name in general when he's been mad. We're getting married next month (we've been together since 2015 and he proposed exactly a year later from our first date) and the invitations aren't going as smoothly as they should due to a lot of miscommunication between myself and both his and my family. Tonight he called his mom just to talk (her and I are really close) like he does every night and she asked about the invitations. After a couple of minutes, he got frustrated and started talking about me like I wasn't in the room but didn't care that I heard what he was saying. He was going on to her in a very mocking-like tone about how I pretty much failed at this whole thing and he should have been the one to do it in the first place. My friends and family invitations were sent out a while ago, his mom mailed out their family's side, the last group was his friends who I needed addresses for. I took it upon myself to message these people I didn't even know to get their addresses since it needed to get done. He asked me last night to get them together so he could mail them out today. I did just that. He didn't mail them out today; didn't ask about them today at all until his mom called. I was working all day so I didn't even notice until I got home in the evening. I wholeheartedly agree and have acknowledged that I could have handled this invitation thing much better and that I'm really trying to do things right. I've never planned a wedding before and am self admittedly, utterly horrible at planning events, so I should have, in hindsight, let someone more experienced take the invitation reigns but I thought I could do it and really wanted to do it. So he was going on and on to his mom on how I "dropped the ball" and he should have done it from the beginning. The way he was doing it made me feel horrible. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and it took me back to the days when my dad would say the same types of things to me (he was very abusive to my mom and I growing up...luckily they're divorced). It was as if he had no regard for my feelings whatsoever. When I spoke up to him and explained my side, he called me a dumb-ass with his mom on the phone. I was so embarrassed. I have told him numerous times to not call me that particular name or any other disrespectful name but it seems to have fallen upon deaf ears. He tells me to "shut the f***up" when he's mad, calls me "psycho", and tells me how I always screw up and can't do anything right. I understand that I'm not perfect and can be frustrating at times (I don't try to be) but I strive to be a good fiance and future wife for him. I'm constantly on alert in regards to my words and actions so I don't hurt him. I love him,want him to be happy, and work everyday to try to make sure I'm nothing but a positive force in his life. So, it especially hurts when I hear him say things like that; especially when he knows how I feel about it. I told him tonight that it better never happen again and was very clear on how I felt about what had just happened. Each time it happens, he pushes me further and further away. I understand he was stressed which is why I'm wondering if my feelings about this are "over the top" or I'm being too sensitive? There are times when I seriously wonder if he truly values me or respects me. He says he does. He's 48 and I'm 34, we're both educated and hard working so I can't attribute all of this to our "immature" age. This has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I'm marrying this man and I can't understand how one could talk to his future wife the way he does at times. I can't live my life like that. This will be the first marriage for both of us (I wasn't the type to ever want to get married until him...our story actually goes way back and is very nice which makes all of this even harder to understand. He wasn't like this in the beginning). I'm frustrated, confused, and very angry that this is even an issue. I need to get out of my head and hear some input from other people. I don't know exactly what input I'm looking for...I guess I want to hear if I'm crazy or not for being hurt by his words and the way he treats me at times. This is something that has happened before even though he knows how I feel about it. If he expresses his distaste for something I'm doing, I love and respect him enough to cut it out and work on that aspect of myself. Sorry for the long text wall. It feels good to type this all out. Thanks for your time and I value your input regardless if I'm in the wrong or not. I want to handle this correctly and if I'm to blame then I want to fix it. Thanks again everyone. TL;DR-Am I over reacting to him continuously calling me names such as,"", psycho, or retarded when he gets upset with me? I have told him numerous times about how I feel about it. Am I being too sensitive?
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