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About Me

  1. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  2. My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved. I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr. I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family
  3. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  4. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  5. Hi everyone, I am a 29 year old female dating a man the same age. We have been together for a little over two years and just got engaged over the summer. Our relationship for the most part has been great and we have never really argued about anything major besides this issue. What happened was that on NYE, we had been out having drinks and all the sudden he confesses to me that he has hooked up with a girl from our main friend group and has been feeling extremely guilty that he has been keeping this from me. He felt really bad and ashamed that he made such a bigger deal of it by keeping it for over two years instead of just telling me in the beginning of our relationship. I actually believe that a partner does not have to necessarily disclose his entire sexual past, but what concerns me is the fact that he felt so guilty but kept it to himself for so long. That tells me that he had a guilty conscience that he buried for a very long time. It’s started making me wonder what else is he hiding? What else could he keep to himself for so long now or in the future? I asked him if he had anything else to confess and he said no. A few days later (today), he asks to talk to me and says that he also felt he needed to confess that he has slept with one of his sister’s friends (we see her occasionally). He says that it didn't cross his mind when I first asked him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me, but that he felt he should this morning. Another point that concerns me is that he said that he feels horrible that he ruined a friendship with the first girl he confessed about, but they continued hooking up for two weeks. If he was so concerned, why did he continue? It makes me feel like he can’t control himself when it comes to sex. I never thought I would ever have to worry about him cheating, but I feel paranoid and that he broke my trust. He also only confessed because he was super drunk. Was he ever going to say anything? I guess I am wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do I have reason to be worried or am I overreacting? Do you guys expect your partner to disclose his/her sexual past with someone you interact with regularly in the friend group? Thanks everyone.
  6. My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!
  7. My fiance broke up with me this week. I am destroyed honestly. He told he thinks he's gay and he needs to explore his feelings. I'm trying to be understanding because I love him but it hurts so much. We never fought. We were perfect for each other. We lived in an apt together and the past few months we started looking for a house. We found the perfect house. He started becoming distant and I thought it was just stress which he agreed. I thought things would get better once we finished moving. He put the house all in his name because I have little to no credit and he makes more money. I had a bad feeling about this but he reassured me. The day he closed on the house he broke up with me. I feel betrayed. Did he plan this all along? He says he's only been questioning his sexuality the past couple months and before he was completely attracted to women. He said it's like a switch flipped in his brain and now he's not attracted to women at all. He told me if he doesn't like being with a man that he would call me. I can't handle this pain. I'm really struggling with this new reality.
  8. This is a really complicated story and very hard for me to write. I was with my fiance for 3 years and our relationship was fabulous. We were close and very much in love. He had some issues and jealousy with a close male friend of mine that I have known for over 20 years and I ended up choosing my relationship with my fiance and letting my friend go. This was a number of years ago and all has been ok since. Over the last 12 months I have started battling with anxiety and it has gotten worse despite being on medication and seeing Drs. It had turned into panic attacks and agoraphobia. I was finding it hard to even leave the house and my Dr recommended I take some leave from work. I advised my boss (I am a subcontractor) and after 5 years of service for the same company I was dismissed overnight without even a thank you as they couldn't understand what anxiety is and why I needed leave. Just like that my world fell apart. No job and no income and battling anxiety. I told my fiance what had happened and he told me not to worry that with my skill set he was sure he could help me get some remote work that I could work from home. I was so happy to hear this and he said he was going to drive to see someone he knew to ask him would he consider speaking to me and giving me some remote work. I loaned my fiance $150 to go see this person he knew who may hire me. Everything was great - no arguments, total support from my fiance. I was feeling blessed. Then suddenly he went offline and I couldn't reach him online or through his phone and this is odd he always has his phone with him. I thought he must have had an accident so I frantically began calling his friends and family and they assured me he was alive and well with no accident. I didn't know what to do - I realised he had blocked me. But why? A few days later the $150 appeared as a depost in my bank account and no word from him. It has been a few months now and no word from him. My close male friend of 20 years who I haven't spoke to for years made contact with me just a few days ago to tell me that my ex had contacted him and threatened to kill him and told him to stay away from me. I don't know why he contacted my friend from all those years ago that I no longer talk to. My ex has since made contact with me and wants to come back. I asked why he left me the way he did and he said he is an honest person and doesn't feel I was being honest with him about my anxiety and work situation and he is putting all this back on me. He is not accepting any responsibility for this and says he wants to come back and make a new start and that he loves me. I love him but i don't trust him anymore. How could he leave me like that at my lowest point when I needed him most. I feel like i can't trust him or lean on him anymore if anything was to happen in my life. He has not apologised as he said he has done nothing wrong and his exact words were 'when there is no transparency i like to be away' Is he a narcissist? What do I do? Please help.
  9. I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I will be proposing this month. Whenever we get dressed up to go out she wears her wedding band (not engagement ring) from her ex on her right ring finger. I thought this was weird so I asked her about it. She told me that she just thinks it is a pretty ring and that she likes to wear it. She said that when they got married he made her buy her own wedding band and that he did not spend a dime on it or even go with her to pick it out. So to her it has no meaning (it's just another ring). She told me that she divorced him after 3 months together because they had zero connection and he treated her badly. I can kind of see where she is coming from saying it's just a ring to her, but the fact that it was meant to be a wedding ring still bugs me a little bit. Am I being ridiculous?
  10. Just to give you a back story, my fiance has never been physically abusive. Short tempered and a bully verbally when he gets mad, yes. But never physical. We have two kids together and have been together for a few years. So anyways, the other night he and I were casually discussing child support when he (half as a joke, half out of curiosity) decided to pull up one of those child support calculators online to see what he would hypothetically have to pay. After getting the results he laughed and said "By the way, if you ever take me for child support, I'll kill you." He has never threatened to harm me, so I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Despite it bothering me, I tried to ignore it by giving a simple laugh and saying "yeah right." To which he responded with a straight face "I'm serious. If you ruin my life like that, I'll ing blow your head off and then kill myself." I was speechless because he has never shown any indication of ever being violent towards me. The threat seemed out of character. A day or two later, I brought it up again because it was still bothering me, but I maybe I'm overreacting, so I ask "that was a joke, right?" He laughed and said "no, I'm dead serious." But the way he said it, he sounded like he was joking? The conversation was dropped and has not been revisited. He's not the "talk about your feelings" or an "open dialogue" kind of guy, so I don't want to bring it up again. Child support is a non-issue for me, and I obviously have no intentions of needing that from him. We have plans to be married soon. But his comments genuinely scared me, just to think that he could be capable of saying such a thing, much less actually doing it. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting for feeling this way. Should I be worried? Could this indicate a deeply rooted issue that I'm blind to right now? Or is this a poor attempt at a joke, and I'm being overly sensitive? Like I said, no other indication or threats that he would ever harm me.
  11. In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating. Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/ I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.
  12. Hi all, Has anyone recently gotten married in the state of PA? My fiance and I are planning on getting our marriage license tomorrow (Bucks County) but on the court website it states that there is a 3 day waiting period in regards to obtaining the license. "Title 23 of the Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes requires a 3-day waiting period upon applicants' appearance before a Clerk with required documents and fee." Does this mean that we have to come back in 3 days to pick up the license or does it mean that we can't be married within 3 days of filing the application? Any help would be appreciated.
  13. I'm going to try and keep this short and to the point. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. He recently took a job out of town which we thought would be a great opportunity since we've struggling financially. He's been gone barely 2 months. He's living with some friends of an old coworker. The problem is we barely talk. Like we chit chat on messenger throughout the day. But when he calls we talk for like 5 minutes and that's about it. He always messages and says he's off work, he's gonna go home and charge his phone and call me in a few. Well that turns into like 2 or 3 hours. He always call pretty much right before he goes to bed. Or always has some other excuse. Last week we were on the phone and he said his roommates had company over and he didn't want to be rude... Like I kind of get it. It sucks when you have to walk outside to have a conversation. But I'm his fiance. When I was away helping my parents with a bunch of stuff last year. I had to walk outside to talk to him and I didn't care if it was raining or cold or to hot. I took the time to have a conversation with him. Am I overreacting or over thinking? I've been trying to have a conversation with him about how this all makes me feel. But it's like pulling teeth to even stay on the phone with him. He's always got something going on with them or he's to tired and is going to bed. Plus I'm trying to not to add to the stress that we are already going through. since this job isn't working out the way we thought it would and we're broker than we've ever been. And I'm having surgery this friday and he won't even be here and I don't think he even tried to find out if he could come home for that... Sorry for the long post. I've got a lot of pent up stress and emotions.
  14. It's so strange how things work out in life. I had my first gf break my heart over a year ago. Oh man, it was so hard I still get emotional sometimes when I think about how bad I was. But you know, they say you get stronger when things like that happen, and I definitely have gotten alot stronger and learned ALOT about myself. In the time since we've been apart, I've gotten my degree, a great job, great new friends, my own place. I've also dated a few girls and had a few flings. I've definitely sowed my oats and feel like I've matured in all aspects of life. Most importantly, I don't take things as seriously anymore and have FUN. So anyways, attached to all this fun is my past and my ex in the back of my head, she will always be there I fear. We still talk every once in a while, they are usually just short "how are you doing" conversations or e-mails. She is engaged to a guy she started dating about a month after we ended, and seems to be planning to spend the rest of her life with him. I'm happy for her, yet I feel sorry for him. Anyway, a friend/co-worker of mines sister is having a party next weekend at a club. She dates one of my ex's fiance's friends. They hang out sometimes. So I'm certain my ex and her fiance will be there. I'm invited and all my friends are going (about a group of 11-15 people will be there with me..my great new friends hehe) At the moment, I'm single as single can be. So I won't have a pretty girl on my arm, which sucks because I know my ex and her fiance will be all over eachother and stuff, and I'm not sure how I will react since I've never run into them before (been very close though...). I guess you could say, even though I've had some relationships since her, and some wild flings, I have yet to have a meaningful relationship where I can say "I love you" since her, which makes me wonder if I'm even over her? I know I could go and have a great time with all my friends, but I have a hard time faking a good time if I'm not having a good time. In a perfect situation, I would be there with my girl, any girl, with my friends, having a good time showing my ex I've moved on. I get the feeling she thinks I haven't moved on, even though I've done or said nothing to her to suggest that. Bottom line is, it's obvious I'm still not fully over her, I'm single an kind of depressed about it right now, but other than that my life is great. She will be there strutting her stuff with her new fiance, maybe even in my face. Should I take the chance to open new wounds and go? Or should I hide behind my fears and stay home on a Saturday night while all my friends go out, because I'm afraid of what I might see? It's been over a year, what is the deal with these lingering thoughts? I loved her, I haven't loved since, just liked the girls I've dated. I am really confused and need some help, I thought stuff like this wasn't supposed to happen after more than a year. Thanks again. cobro
  15. Hi there, I desperately need someone's advice on what on I'm going through at the moment... Let me start from the beginning when the problems started - After being engaged for 6 months I found an sms that my fiance had sent from MY mobile to his ex. It was quiet bad, saying that he wants to see her and had kisses on the end of the sms. I confronted him immediately about this and he swore to me he would not be in contact with her ever again and would end it. A couple of months later, after I had relocated to be closer to him (from SA to London) as a long distance relationship was extremely difficult, I found an email on his laptop that he wrote to her while he was with me stating that everything he does reminds him of her, and that he will never forget what they had even after being married for 30 years to someone ellse, she will always have a special place in his heart. I saw that this email had been written a couple of months back though (around the time that I found the sms) it just made me realise what was actually being said behind my back then, I never realised how bad it really was, I thought it was just that one sms and thats it, it shocked me to actually realise what was going on behind my back, when I thought things were fantastic with him... I confronted him about this as well and he said it was a couple of months ago and said nothing like that was going on anymore - but something in me kept telling me that something was still going on behind my back. I've been in London now for a week - I left my job, my house, my friends, sold my car, my life for this person - then yesterday when he was at gym I decided to see if he was still in contact with his ex so I looked at his mobile (she also lives in london) - I know this is snooping but I just feel like I can't trust him and have to find out for myself what is going on behind my back - if I trusted him, I woud never go snooping around like this. While looking through his phone I saw that he phones his ex everyday - all this time he's been telling me that they dont speak anymore!!!! My first reaction was to call his ex and ask her what was going on cause he is lying to me and I can't get the truth from him - she explained to me that they are purely friends and that he's too scared to tell me cause of how will react, but who can blame me after finding that sms and email - its not as if this is a 'friendship' - Friends dont talk like that to each other - and all this lying and cheating behind my back is just too much for me to handle.... All I want is honesty - but how can I deal with him being friends with his ex - he calls her EVERYDAY which is pushing it a bit much in my opinion - if they just friends why not once a week or once a month???? I dont know how to handle this situation. Every morning I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach - I've lost my appetite, I dont know what to do - I can't go back home as I've spent too much money already and I dont know how to handle this... Should I allow him to see her and keep this friendship - but how will I know that its not more than a friendship??? Shouldn't he be considering my feelings and realise how this is effecting me. I also notice a change in our relationship - I feel as if he has moved further from me - he's not how he used to be towards me, and I have a feeling that his heart is still with his ex - how can I have a future with this person when he still hangs onto his past???? HELPPP me - what should I do????
  16. Last night, my fiance inadvertantly left her email account open on our computer. I wasn't going to snoop, but I saw she had received some emails from a guy she used to date a couple of years ago. I could not resist the urge to look at these emails... so I did. Through my searching, I found a draft of an email she either sent, or was going to send to this guy back in what I think is October 2003. At that point, we had been dating 6 months and saying "I love you" etc. Anyway, the email said something to this effect "Hi, I got your message. It really meant a lot to me. I tried to respond but your box must have been full. LOVE, *****" So here were are engaged, and I read this old email to this ex that she wrote while we were supposedly in love. Anyway, I confronted her about it, and she acted like it was no big deal. Eventually she was crying saying that she loves me and only me. But I don't know. I know she hasn't had much contact with this guy in awhile now. I saw a couple old emails from him back in November - December. Anyway, I just feel a bit betrayed. She said that she does not remember typing the email. She did not look at it or read it last night after I saw this old email. Also, the draft does not have a year on it. It just said Oct 2nd. There was no mention of a year, so I guess it is possible it could have been an old, old email. But there were only like 2 saved drafts in her drafts box in Hotmail. And this was one of them. And shortly after this draft, I saw a small string of emails in her inbox from this guy in Nov. and Dec. Anybody have a take on this? I don't know how to react to this. I feel like this guy is probably in her past now, but it doesn't remove the fact that she was having this intiamte contact with this guy while we were supposedly involved. I'm just kind of confused. And I don't know if there is a way for me to fully know if this email was written last October, or a couple years ago before we met. You see, the email was a draft she was writing. I don't know if she sent it or not. Usually there is the sent information at the top of the email in Hotmail. So I don't know what to do. Any advice out there?
  17. I found out yesterday through a anonymous phone call that my Fiancé had cheated on me at a work function of hers. She apparently drove away with one guy whom is married and then had unprotected sex.The person whom called was the wife of the guy because he came clean with her a week afterwards. After confronting her yesterday and asking she said that it`s false but then I got the guy and his wife on the phone who confirm this and then my fiancé said that it was true and that she wouldn't have told me because she feels embarrassed about this. She did this once before with one of my mates , I forgave them both and gave her a second chance. It is really difficult for me because we share a car to get to work which we both pay and share a allot of things and stay togher.If she moves out she will have to get a appartment.What should my steps be , can I trust a person like this again because her excuse is that she was drunk like the last time ? Help me with a answer today..please.I am a very hurt man
  18. While my fiance was away for 4 months I went to a party with one of my friends. She introduced me to one her male friends, that was all enough said. I didn't speak to him, aknowledge him...nothing. I'd say about 45 minutes after our being there we went outside and sat on the porch (me, my friend and her boyfriend) and then comes the guy she introduced me to he came and sat next to me but we both didn't aknowledge one another. He was just sitting there with his buddies. Next thing I know I turn around and he has his lips pressed against mine. It was a mear millisecond and I pushed away said no got my friend and left. I didn't make a huge deal about it because it wasn't me and it was just a peck. So I wasn't going to think about telling my fiance. To me it was nothing at all. Well come to find out, my fiance finds out after we're married. Now he can't trust me, and never believes me. He always tells me to go kiss him again, or he'll say why dont you just be with John. I know this wasn't pleasant for him but really help me convince him that it wasn't me and it wasn't anything. He is so mean about it all the time. He is going away for a year and says he rather divorce me then have to worry. Which he doesn't have to worry, I am not that person all I did was go to a party....... Help me please
  19. I don't know how to react to this sittuation. My fiance's friends, and his brother too have begun to invited my fiance's ex-girlfriend over to parties. No one ever lets us know she will be there. So when me and my boyfriend show up---there she is. No one has stopped and asked how my fiance or I feel about this. Am I over-reacting at becoming upset about being placed in situations like this again & again. Help.
  20. my fiance is having real problems getting along with my family. the thing is, my family likes her, but she doesn't like them. my family are the type of people who have a sarcastic, somewhat ridiculing sense of humor. She's use to her family who don't crack jokes about one another, so she's very sensitive to my family sense of humor. Plus my brother has a girlfriend who my fiance says "rubs her the wrong way". What it is is my fiance sees this other girl as competition. The other girl bonds well with my mom and gets along well with me and my family, so my fiance feels threatened. I also think my fiance feels insecure, because this other girl is blond, 19 (so she has a 19 year old physique) and can be somewhat racy sometimes (ie. way she dresses, makes out with my brother in fron t of everyone, etc). It's getting very difficult, cause my fiance now says she won't be around if this other girl's around. She says if this other girl ends up marrying my brother, my fiance will never come to family events, cause she doesn't want to be around her. An honestly, this other girl isn't doing anything wrong, cause if she was I would see where my fiance was coming from. I just think my fiance is feelings insecure and angry cause she's not the girl who's the center of attention which I think she's use to being. So her solution is to avoid it completely. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
  21. I don't want to sound controlling, but I really don't like this guy. My fiance is 46, and he has this friend who is 28, wears rings, smokes pot and has a playboy style. About 2 years ago I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out. The oral surgeon had a hard time getting it out. I called my BF and asked him to pick me up and take me home since I would be given the laughing gas. He had gone out on a boat with the playboy and his buddies and he didn't come to help me. The playboy told him getting your wisdom tooth out was no big deal and I could go home by myself. Another time this guy came to my BF's house unnanounced and ignored me. Like I was a piece of cardboard standing there. He did not even say Hi. My friends treat my fiance very well, so I am not used to this. Third: the day he took my BF out on his boat, he offered him weed. I didn't like that either. I know my now fiance likes this guy a lot: he has money and they share a love of boats and fast cars. Also this guy broke up with his GF because she wanted commitment..and he is always hanging out with the boys...that kind of guy. I told my fiance I want nothing to do with this guy. He can see him, but I don't want to, it's my right. I wish he would not be friends with this guy at all, but I can't forbid him. Any ideas?
  22. we have been ingaged for over three years. i have cheated on her once but i told her that i did the next day. "she stayed with me cause i was honest." i love her very much and i want our realationship to keep going.about a month ago she told me she wanted to stop haveing sex until she found her self. "I dont know what that means" she wants to spend more time with her friends then she does me. i dont trust her cause of what i did to her im afraid she will do the same. she says that i should trust her cause she has done nothing to break my trust. What should i do?
  23. I need some advice... I am currently away from my fiance for several months. Just today he was all worried that am I going to cheat on him for some odd reason. I've never cheated on him before let alone do I hang around any other guys. So I am not sure why he is making these acusations. The only thing I can think of is he has a guilty consious so he is blaming me? Could I be wrong and he is just really worried about me hurting him? He's NEVER once asked me not to cheat on him now when he is 900 miles away he asks me not to. I need some advice. Thanks...
  24. Ok, this is a confusing situation. I have been best friends with a guy for nearly 6 years now. We have been very close, we use to stay over night with each other and just hang out. I would share my guy probs with him and his girl probs with me. Our mutual friends always thought we had a secret relationship and always thought we should get together. And I actually had a pretty good crush on him for the last 3 years of our friendship.. but I wouldn't ever try to push for more than friends b/c I am very shy about doing that. (although, I am pretty definite he knew) So, anyhow, about 2 years ago, I moved 2 hours away from him. I met a guy up where I live and after only 6 months of being together, he proposed. And I accepted, he is a really great guy. But my feelings for my best friend never went away. Anyhow, I would go back home probably once a month and I would see my best friend. once I was engaged and went home, I saw my best friend with a bunch of my other friends. He asked to talk to me alone, and we went outside on this beautiful boat while the sun was setting and he told me about the feelings he had for me and he said he had to tell me now before I was married. He said he wanted to be with me and the 2 hrs distance didnt mean anything. I was pretty much in shock, b/c I think i have been secretly in love with him for several years now. But I did love my fiance as well, he is a really great guy. but beinghonest with myself, I knew I was missing that "tingly" feeling for my fiance. Which is scary. Well, anyhow.. i tried to forget about my pal telling me this and tried to go on with my fiance, b/c after all it was too late, right? So, then I tried to stay just friends.. but I still saw him about once a month. And I made the biggest mistake of my life once, I cheated on my fiance with my best friend. And I don't regret being affectionate with my best pal.. but I regret the timing and that I would do that to my fiance. I told my fiance right away, and he actually forgave me and offered to stay together. I still didn't feel right about it and we eventually called off the wedding and then a few months later called our entire relationship off. It was probably a 8 month long process since the timing of our engagement and our breaking up. And there is nothing wrong with my ex fiance at all, he is a great guy and I am scared I will someday regret this. But that isn't my prob. My prob now is that my pal is moving farther away now, and we will soon be 6 hours apart. And I am scared to get in a serious relationship right now anyhow after this hectic year. We have dated some here and there since then, and we always get along great, but it wasn't what he made it out to be. Plus he isn't exactly consumed with the idea of starting a relationship between us. he still says that he considers me as a possible wife in the future. He says I have everything he wants in a wife, but there is one thing missing that he cant place. he continuously says we will just see what time tells us.. and that if we are meant to be.. we will be. So, i am kinda upset about this all. i mean i called off my wedding with a good guy and everything for my pal. and now he is just so laid back and whatever about it. like, well if we are meant to be, we will be. and he is talking a couple of years down the road. so my question is, do I do my best to forget about my best friend and I ever getting together?? do i waste anymore time on this whole "possibility"? what should I do? try or not try? forget about him or try to work things out?? any advice would be great!! thanks!
  25. My fiance thinks kissing is disguisting. He is disguisted if he eats from any one's plate, or drinks from another cup,... How can I change this, I am becoming his wife soon? He want him to kiss me. He always kisses me on the cheek but can't I have a little more than that?
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