BeStrongBeHappy

definitely take the loan... lots of people drop out, then have a really hard time getting back into the school groove again, and having a degree should get him a better job, better pay, and pay off the loan faster... so he should think of it as an investment that will more than pay off the loan by getting him a better paying job as soon as he finishes school.

I think everyone has lots of doubts before they divorce... and lots of doubts even if they stay married! i myself started to have doubts very soon after our wedding, but continued in the marriage for 7 years longer becuase i wanted to really try and make it work... but in the end... my discontent just bubbled to the surface and that was that, i threw in the towel... and i do wish i hadn't taken so long to divorce, but hindsight is 20-20, and we have to play it out one way or another rather than making snap decisions. even if you decide to divorce, it was really hard the first year after the divorce, because there are so many emotions and ties in a marriage, and breakups solve one problem, but create a different set, like dealing with loneliness, bouts of regret, self doubt etc. so maybe you just haven't hit your 'that's enough of that' quota in your marriage yet... and a trial separation is a good idea if you are really not sure where you want to go yet. if divorce is the right thing, i think you will have experiences that push you more towards the divorce, and if you really discover the opposite, you can try some more in the marriage... btw, my ex and i separated, and i was still waffling and did not file for divorce until about 6 or 7 months months later... i was going back and forth in my head, and we had not decided to move forward with the divorce, until i got really ill one day with food poisoning, and asked him to help walk our dogs because i was too sick to stand up without almost passing out... he offered to stop and get some something for me to drink because i was practically delirious from dehydration, and i said all i could probably stomach was 7-Up to try to get some sugar and re-hydrate... but as sick as i was, he took his time, showed up 2 hours later with DIET ROOT BEER because he said the drugstore didn't have 7-Up, and he didn't bother to even stop at another store on the way to get the can of 7-Up i asked for! i was upstairs so sick i thought i might have to go to the emergency room, and then he proceeded to sit downstairs and read the paper and complain he didn't want to get near me in case i had the flu rather than food poisoning, in case he caught something from me and got sick too! so i had a real moment of clarity, even as sick as i was, like why am i even bothering feeling bad about leaving someone this self centered that he doesn't care if i am upstairs dying and can't make a second stop at a quikmart for a can of 7-Up because he is too lazy! there were lots of problems in the marriage that led to the separation, but there is always a straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak, and i went the next week to the lawyers to get the papers drawn up, no conflict at all at that point... everyone's story is different and they have different issues when a marriage falls apart, but if divorce is the right option, there always come a moment of truth, where you realize you just can't do the marriage anymore. then you are no longer conflicted about it, and the task just becomes breaking the legal ties and the emotional conflict starts to recede... so maybe you need more time and a separation to see whether you really want to still try, or if you are better on your own... but separation and divorce are not for the faint of heart either, so don't push it if you really haven't made up your mind yet, take your time and make the decision that is right. best of luck, keep us posted!

i would analyze where this job fits in terms of your long term goals, and how badly you would be off if you refused it, either financially or from a career prospective. if it is just any old job and you might be able to find just as good one where you are, and can afford to wait and have other prospects, then don't take it... but if it is getting critical and you need the money, or it is a GREAT job, then you might consider it... also, where do you really want to live? in that city, or your own, and how are job prospects where you want to live... it is a balance of all these things, both your potential prospects, and what you need to be happy. LDRs are indeed hard, but if it is a great opportunity and you need to take it, then discuss it with your girlfriend and see how she feels about it too... no easy answer on this, but put down the pros and cons of staying vs. going, and see which list feels the strongest.

if it is specifically a special dinner (birthday or anniversary), and you tell them 'sky's the limit', then it is fine if they choose an expensive place and/or entree... but if they just pick something overly expensive by default, without asking you, or specifically go really expensive when you have told them the limit is less, then i say that person is selfish, inconsiderate, AND passive aggressive... really, your boyfriend really made sure he ate up and above his $50 'half' of the $100 you said was too expensive... and didn't seem to care if his gluttony meant you didn't get to eat much... RED FLAG and user alert!!!

you already had doubts, and now you have confirmation that she is not someone you can trust in a long term relationship... i'm not a big fan of snooping, unless you have some nagging suspicions that won't go away that something is not right... that is your intuition talking, and a form of self protection. you probably should just tell her what you found, and that you are not interested in a relationship with her anymore, had your doubts, now they are confirmed, end of story... she may try to deny it, but usually when someone is totally busted like that, they acknowledge it, but may try to plead with you... so if you really want out, just tell her the truth why, and tell her its not negotiable.

The sad thing about kids and divorce is that you can think everything is set in stone and you can now plan your life accordingly, then the ex can go back to court again... sometimes they do it on purpose, specifically to harass you, but lots of time they do have a not too well hidden agenda, like trying to get more custody to reduce or eliminate child support, or just get back at you if they are still angry/bitter at something like you removing his month in the summer with them. that 50/50 split on where the kids live is a ploy that is pretty typical.... he knows if he has them 50% of the time that he won't have to pay child support, or much less if he makes more than you becuase the amount paid is based on amount made and percentage of the time kids spend where... so both lawyers and judges are very aware of this tactic, and will usually not change a custody order in terms of time spent unless there is a clearcut reason for it, like your reason for him not having them an entire month in summer... but if some circumstances do change, or one of you does something that the judge feels is not right, that is when those things change... the problem comes when you do indeed have an order to do something, and just ignore it because you think it is not right... i.e., not call when you are working late. regardless of the merit of that now that your circumstance has changed, that order is the *judge's* order and you are not following it. so your ex can take you to court on this technicality, that you are not doing something you were ordered to do by the judge... the judge can always change the order to remove that requirement, but in the meantime you are in contempt, so please respect whatever orders you are given, and ask to have whatever you don't like changed, rather than just not doing it... something like that you can ignore now and again for a special circumstance (child sick, better not to move between houses), but all the time shows that you are just disobeying an order becuase you don't like it... but the person you are disobeying is the judge not your ex, whenever the judge orders something. the good news is that most judges are very aware of the games that exes play in court to LOOK like they have the best interest of the child at heart, when they are just using that leverage to try to punish the ex or pay less money. they also recognize when someone is just out to soak someone for a lot of money too... so i wouldn't be too worried about him significantly changing custody like giving your ex 50%, unless there is some other reason for it, a major change in circumstances, or the judge feels you are being uncooperative or deceptive about something big... also, please try to let minor amount of financial lapses on his part go, especially if he doesn't have a job or whatever. that can make you look like you're money grubbing if don't cut him some slack now and then... plenty of men do quit their jobs, but lots do go thru temporary trouble not of their own causing, and do get a job again... if it happens once, the judge will usually give some financial relief to him, like your judge cutting the $2000 down, but if its a pattern where your ex doesn't have a good excuse for not paying, or is slacking, or you can prove he's doing it specifically to avoid child support, then you might have more of a case... the sad news is that a huge percentage of fathers DON'T pay their child support, some never, they just skip town etc. and judges are aware that this is the case, so if they can keep them paying whatever they can, as much as they can, then they will make choices to do that rather than force the father into a position where they have huge judgments they can never get past, or are likely to skip out entirely because they feel wronged and unable to keep up... so your best bet is to try to make some permanent changes to adjust your budget to live a bit under what his child support is, more than just $20/month, so it doesn't become a crisis for you if he's late, nor force you to go to the judge for minor short term lapses in payments, which can make you look like you squabbling over money, not what is right for you kids... best of luck, it is always a mess when exes divorce, and cannot settle back into reasonable cooperation with each other... try to work things out with him as much as you can outside court, and live within the means and rules that the judge awards you. if you have real trouble, try consider a mediator. judges look favorably on people trying to solve their own problems rather than constantly returning to court... and always remember it is the judge who holds the key to what happens, so do whatever you can to comply with what he orders. no matter how your husband is behaving...

Please see your therapist... those who don't understand history are doomed to repeat it... The cycle is repeating, and you're cranking up to making the same mistakes again... please don't do this to yourself or your ex. it's not about confidence, it's about understanding...

I think what people are trying to say here is that you're not the Puppetmaster, and she's not your puppet. It's great to have confidence, but not when it used to jerk someone around to try to control them, or manipulate them into doing something they are not comfortable with... That kind of Puppetmaster attitude and reading big things into every little thing she says/does works to shore up your emotions and confidence for a while, but what happens to you when/if she permanently cuts the strings?? there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and pushing someone into blocking your calls permanently because you don't respect their wishes and pester them...

Dan, she sent you a few lines of text today because you were questioning her about getting her stuff, line by line, a separate text message for each piece of stuff... how are you translating this into a big change in her attitude and that she is appreciating your boldness and following you, just from these few text lines responding about her stuff? where? you were talking about STUFF. then you try to lead her into another discussion about yesterday, and she just demurs politely and signs off with a 'goodbye, dan.' you think she is admiring you for being bold just because she didn't scream GO AWAY at you again? she sounds like a person who likes to be polite when she can, and has already asked you to please not contact her, so she doesn't in her words, 'have to be the kind of ***** who doesn't answer calls'... so she could just be being polite here because she doesn't want to have another 'leave me alone' conversation marathon and you ringing her phone a million times for an emotional scene every day. so a few text messages talking about stuff and being polite to you does not translate into wanting to get back together or to 'follow you' back into a relationship due to your 'boldness'. man, PLEASE talk to your therapist about this, for your own and her sake...

btw, the constant need to snoop when it's not normal behavior for you probably means your intuition is kicking in and telling you something is not right... i think privacy violations are not the best habits in a relationship, but then if he is cheating and lying about it, that could risk your health and be dangerous these days... so follow through with your hunches for a while, and see if there are any other warning signs that might prove to be right, or whether he does things to reassure you rather than make you wonder what he's up to....

well, lying makes me nervous, especially if the person repeatedly lies about something that is obviously not too credible (i.e., avoids confrontation and taking his lumps when you are displeased or worse). i agree that he can't be responsible for spam of any kind, but signing him up for an account and the interaction continuing... welllll, that's a stretch... so maybe you need to open a serious dialogue about what kind of behavior you find acceptable in a relationship, including things like the webcam, and potential lying to avoid confrontation...

Dan, please talk to your therapist before you contact her again... tell the therapist what happened on Sunday, and show them the messages you exchanged with her and what you're thinking... talk to them about your feelings and intentions and ask for the therapist's guidance on this... she asked you on sunday to never contact her again, ever, and you are texting her multiple times today... this isn't about winning or fear either, if it is, it isn't about loving her or respecting her it is about trying to control her. please think this through and consult your therapist before you continue contact... your therapist has a far better grasp on what might be the best thing for you than anyone on this board does...

Dan... i think when someone says the kinds of things she did to you on Sunday, they are in an emotional position where regardless of any changes you made in the last few weeks, she may feel it is too late for her to continue in the relationship. what someone considers is forgiveable (and forgettable) is a very personal decision, and not something anyone else can easily logic or influence. so your best behavior may not matter to her in the greater scheme of things, if she considered what you did to be severe enough to be unforgiveable and unforgettable in HER mind. people are individuals, with all kinds of emotions and motivations that have nothing to do with logic nor are they under the control of another person. so you can do everything the right way, but she could still not be interested in continuing the relationship for her own personal reasons, logic, emotions, fears, etc. that seems to be where she is now based on what you have said. so i think the best thing for you right now would be to focus on yourself, with the understanding that it most likely is over; she has made herself very clear on that. that doesn't mean that several years down the road she might not speak to you again, but that is up to her, not you, and you shouldn't expect that that is likely becuase that will be a lonely road for you, if you are waiting for her and she never does want to come back. so please be kind to yourself and continue to focus on healing and respecting her wishes. most of us have been through a situation where we've 'blown' a relationship we really wanted for one reason or another, and it is very had because of regret and all the coulda, shoulda's that occur to us after the breakup. sometimes that is just the way it goes, and we have to heal ourselves and accept what life has dealt us and move on... best of luck, keep everyone posted on how you are doing!

i'm not sure that this statement you made is correct: 'they clearly don't care that much for the dumpee anymore.' there were lots of reasons that attracted them to you to begin with, which is why they started a relationship. but then they later decided that the relationship wasn't working for them for whatever reason, but they might still what the friendship part (maybe not best friends, but friends)... it also means they are much more far along on the healing spectrum than the dumpee... dumpers have the luxury of being in the relationship for as long as they want, examining it and deciding that they don't want it, or there are different things/people that they want that won't work out in conjunction with being in a relationship with a person. so for them, by the time they break up, they have already worked through their pain and acceptance before they leave, and leaving can even be a relief. the dumpee however is in the position of still be totally attached, and possibly feeling that the relationship was perfect for them in every way, though the dumper came to a different conclusion. so the dumpee is in shock, pain, disbelieve, denial, etc., which usually precludes the friendship, at least for as long as the dumpee is still grieving. some people can never return to being friends, and others are able to do that after both parties have moved on and have new lives and/or partners so there is no residual pain left... when someone is dumped with almost no preparation, they almost always feel that they will never recover, that person is the only one for them, and hope for a reconciliation... it just takes time to realize that what they really need is perspective, and their lives can go on and return to being happy again without that person in it... but it does take time, sometimes more than other, depending on the circustances and person... so the idea of friendship seems alien to you at this point because the breakup is too recent to you, but your ex has probably recovered and healed enough to remember the good and the bad int he relationship, and to want to go back to being friends because she liked you enough. but she may recognize that may not be possible, due to your feelings, or the distance that will soon be between you. best of luck, one day you will feel the same way!

he sounds like he is very controlling, and verbally abusive, and manipulative. so the trouble with him now all of a sudden wanting to 'work on it' probably means that as soon as this other guy is out of the picture again, he'll go right back to the way he was before... he's on his best behavior because he has to be, not because he wants to be. having said that though, please do no cheat with this other man while still married, nor give your husband any ammunition to get evidence that you *might* be cheating, no matter how tempting... that would not only lead to incredible bitterness, but you could also to be charged with adultery, and a much more messy, ugly, expensive divorce because of that. if you really have attended counseling with him and it is not working, consider going to private counseling to help you decide whether you should end this marriage. divorce is never easy, but it is easier if you deal with it openly, fairly, and before a betrayal with someone else, because that adds a ton of bricks to the load, and might give him leverage in terms of a property settlement and custody of the children.

the road to hell is paved with 'honey's' and 'baby's...' NO WAY should you be calling someone who is NOT your girlfriend those pet names... that's not a flirtation, that's an invitation to trouble and a whole lot of misunderstandings... the other girl may already think you are dating, and that you are just working up to the big event and dumping your girlfriend... what if she tells someone else, who tells your girlfriend that you are 'dating' another girl? and if you texting other girls, your girlfriend might get ahold of those messages, and check your phone and see how many times you're calling some other girl... happens ALL the time... and lots of breakups happen this way... read some of the Breakup threads, and you'll see how many people get busted and dumped over that. if you really value your girlfriend, think about how she'd feel if she heard you talking to this girl that way, or read the texts. then imagine her reaction. then imagine yourself dumped and never seeing/speaking to your girlfriend again. and imagine her talking to other GUYS like you talk to these girls. if that doesn't stop you, then maybe you aren't ready to be a committed relationship, no matter how nice your current girlfriend is. Practical tips: send that other girl a text saying you have a girlfriend, and though you enjoy talking to her, you want to be faithful to your girlfriend so need to stop. Then delete her number, and block her calls and emails. Also delete any other girl whose number you have that might be a problem. and block their calls and emails. Don't go to bars or other places where you might hook up with girls alone. Only go to those places you might flirt with your girlfriend, or people you know you won't be tempted to pick up girls with... so if your buddies are partners in crime, then stop going to bars with them alone... tough, but necessary if you want to keep your girlfriend. and re: cheating, partners ALWAYS find out, sooner or later, so decide whether you want a steady girlfriend or not, and act accordingly.

it is hard, but especially at your age, getting way to serious too soon would just mean you end up being pressured into a 'starter' marriage in a couple years, i.e., a marriage that seemed like an OK idea at the time, but you were both soooo not ready to get serious and be married yet...then you have a bitter breakup or divorce to deal with... i think that if he can't handle going back to just casual dating rather than an every day thing, then you did the best thing by breaking it off, becuase he would really have a lot of expectations of you as his girlfriend that you would probably end up not meeting... painful for both of you, and probably ending up in fights and a bitter breakup rather than a civil one. but if you think being friends with him after the breakup is just going to mean he moons around waiting for the 'right moment' to leap back into a committed relationship with you, then it really is better to totally cut him free and have NC for a while, or as long as it takes for him to truly understand that that's not what you want or intend to do.... if you want to confirm you did the right thing, go over and read some of the threads on the 'Getting Back Together' link... lots of people there who have been dumped and are using even the most minimum of contact with their exes to keep their hopes alive, even when the 'dumper' has made it quite clear they don't want it at all... sometimes the kindest thing to do as the dumper is to really cut it off and do NC, so the dumpee can get the point that every little contact is NOT a step on the way to reconciliation, which many dumpees hope... best of luck, maybe you two can be friends again someday, but give both him and yourself time to get distance enough to figure out what you need to do with your lives more permanently...

sometimes people who shout and really carry on every time you try to discuss something are also being controlling, i.e., trying to intimidate you into silence, or to have everything their own way... so that is a totally destructive form of communication that cannot exist all the time in a good relationship. it is also good that you are NOT saving for a house if you are not sure the marriage will make it... it really is better to spend the money on counseling now to determine whether you can or even want to continue like this... it is very hard to leave someone who has not committed a 'cardinal' sin like cheating on you... i had a marriage very much like yours, that i stayed in much longer than i should have due to guilt etc., and an exaggerated need to be more of a 'parent' to him becuase he had various psychological issues. i one day realized i needed a true partner who was an equal and appreciated me and our marriage, and was able to behave accordingly... sometimes that is just not possible, especially if the relationship has settled into an unhealthy dynamic like yours has... i eventually broke up with my husband, because i realized that the marriage was not good for either of us, and me being more the 'parent' in the relationship meant he would always stay an irresponsible child. i also realized that i did not HAVE to be a constant parent and stablizing factor to a person who was an adult, and should act like one... so the breakup was hard from the standpoint that i felt guilty, but i was, and still am, fully convinced it was the right thing to do... and people who are dependent or very unwilling to change, if they are left, will just immediately go out and find another 'mommy' figure or person to take care of them... which is exactly what my ex did. so recognize that you are both adults, and have the right to choose what is right for yourself... but if he stubbornly insists on refusing to negotiate a marriage that is satisfying to both of you, then basically, you have done what you could, and don't deserved to spend your whole life in a situation that is fine with him, but makes you miserable.

Dan... I am sorry to hear that this did not turn out the way you hoped. I know you were angry with some of us for saying this might happen before, but that is only because that is how it goes a lot of times, and we were afraid this was where it was heading and you would be disappointed and heartbroken as you are... You could have been doing everything right for the last month, and done everything right since you have been talking to her, ahd she could still come to this conclusion, so it was probably not anything you have done wrong since you broke up... it really sounds like she has just made up her mind that regardless of anything you do now or have done since the breakup, it is just not worth the risk for her emotionally or physically to continue with you... there has been a lot of water over that dam, and maybe too much for her to handle, or trust that it won't happen again. There may come a period of time a long time away when she might be open to talking to you, but i think if you try to do anything to contact her now, or anytime soon, she could be both angry and upset since she has told you very clearly she wants no contact. So please continue with your own healing and therapy... plenty of us have done something stupid that has cost us a relationship that was important to us, but learning how not to behave badly in the future will mean you can form a good relationship in the future, and find someone who will love and not be so afraid of you that this kind of breakup would happen again... best of luck, it is hard, but at least you know where you stand with her now, and can move on with your life and healing.

If he was cowardly enough to blow off 3 years together for a fling (or to pursue someone else), then i doubt talking to him would really help... it is very true that lots of people, even if not quite happy with a relationship, will look around for someone else and not actually leave until they feel they have someone else to go to... totally unfair to you, but there are lots of cowardly people who are not honorable nor willing to work on any difference to try to make a relationship work, just hop onto the next person and are gone... so unless you feel a compelling need to talk to him again for a sense of closure, he most likely wouldn't tell you the truth anyway... i'd just try to do whatever is necessary for your own healing, and move on. if he truly realizes he made a mistake, he can always call you, but you have to decide whether you would even take him back if you think he was cheating... best of luck, it is hard, but it is better now than after marriage and then all the mess a divorce brings..

oh wait, you leave the part that she is married out til the middle! i was thinking well, big age difference but ok if both having fun, until i saw that part about her being married... there really is no such thing as a healthy affair... this is a triangle, and involves lying, and probably lots of it, and her lying to you too... most married people who are engaging in affairs will tell their affair partner anything that works to keep it going to their advantage... she has a home, family, etc., and she has a young guy in you for some hot sex... this is no different than the older man/younger girl affair, and i really doubt that she would leave her husband for you, because she would lose a lot in the divorce if it is discovered she is cheating with a teenager (you!)... you also have to take with a grain of salt everything she tells you about her family, i.e., her husband is cheating on her, she might leave, etc. etc. those could be lies too, just like she is lying to her husband about you... so please, recognize that she might be using you, and in a year, or as long as you'll put up with it, she'll find some reason not to leave her husband... this is a very large age gap between you, and you are a teenager, and she is middle aged with kids almost as old as you are, so the likelihood of this being a true love situation that works out is really small... please date other people closer to your own age, and who are truly available to you, all the time, and above board and honestly.

Have you discussed a timeframe with him for how long he hopes you won't be with anyone else? i guess i find that a bit odd, that he doesn't want to date you/be with you, but at the same time he doesn't want you to date anyone else... kind of like he is keeping you as a backup plan... people that really love you don't want to take a chance of losing you, and if you go on a 'break' to think about things, usually it is for a specified period of time, then you agree to meet and talk and see where you are... so if he won't even commit to any kind of time frame or other conditions than just 'hoping' you won't date anyone else, that really is not to your advantage from the standpoint of wondering, what is the purpose of this breakup if he doesn't want you to be with anyone else... does he really intend to date you again or not, or is he just easing out the door while keeping his options open?

maria... you are not being annoying! you are just doing what lots of people do when they first break up, which is to try to 'guess' what their boyfriend is thinking because they can no longer be with them and have that kind of close contact... it keeps the idea of being with him alive, because you are thinking about him rather than seeing him. sometimes it is just better to try to not think about him so much, because he is really no longer available to you and it just hurts and makes you miss him more... it is also easy to assume that he might have just been mad when he said stuff like 'i don't miss you' and 'i'm dating other girls...' or looking for some deeper excuse than what he told you... it is such a shock to be the one who is left, that we just can't believe that the other person really is moving on, and so easily... but most people who are the ones who leave have already been thinking about it for a while, so it is not a shock or surprize to them, and the reason they left is exactly what they told us, even though it is hard to believe.. the point of focusing on you rather than him is to get the distance from him you need to get through the breakup, and he seems to want to be free, and you seem to want a boyfriend and have a child to take care of as well... that was all i was saying, that maybe you are at different life stages in terms of he doesn't want to be serious with anybody, or have responsibilities, and you do want to settle in with a boyfriend who is exclusive, and do have more responsbilities than he does or maybe wants at this point in his life... it is natural to think about him, but i think what people here try to do is to help you get the focus off him, and onto yourself, since he really isn't there for you anymore, and thinking about him all the time is probably quite painful and it makes it harder to heal... so there is absolutely no criticism of you here, just trying to help you refocus on yourself rather than him, since he is saying some hurtful things about not missing you etc., so better to assume that he is really gone, and heal yourself...

to me, it seems pretty clear he is having an affair, which probably started during the 4 months you were gone, and is not willing to give it up, though he is willing to lie to kept things from exploding if you did find out... i can honestly say i don't know ANY married man who would go off to do laundry with a single woman friend!! that is just ridiculous, and he is just having to come up with excuse after excuse to cover his absenses to be with her... the fact that he is showing little interest in your daugther shows he does not want to be part of a family and have responsbility.... neither you nor your daughter needs this rejection and inconsideration at this time in your life... please makes plans to go back to your family and get back on your feet again... and by all means, get a legal separation agreement that requires him to pay child support... he is acting like an irresponsible teenager, not a grown man, and there is NO excuse for him shirking his parental responsbility to his daugther, other than selfishness... so please pick up your life, and move on... there are tons of people who get married at second time in their 30s, usually single parents whose own first marriages didn't work out, so it is not a question of someone 'taking on' you and your daughter, but of sharing and forming a new family unit... you can join groups like Parents Without Partners, where lots of people meet and marry and raise their blended family... so don't let this jerk stop you from getting the love and stable family life you and your daughter deserve... but be sure to consult a lawyer to get a legal separation and go on to divorce, so that there is no potential that he will run up debts and try to stick you with half of them in a divorce later... you also shouldn't be required to pay any of his school loans etc., and he should be required to pay child support.

i think you need to try to stop thinking about what HE is thinking, and start thinking about building your own life... that is very hard to do, but you are very 'centered' in him now, and are kind of losing your own sense of self and worrying about him, rather than what you should be doing for YOU.... you are thinking that his thoughts are 'mean' because he says he didn't miss you and was happy to start dating around etc., but maybe those are his true feelings if he has genuinely decided he wants to date around and a lot of people, and not have a steady girlfriend... he has no time to miss you because he is filling his life with other women, so that might feel like he was trying to be mean to you, but maybe that is just what he is doing. that is very hard thought to take, but he has been very clear on that... he also sounds like he is at a very different life stage, and younger, and most likely wants to go through the dating around stage rather than having a girlfriend and more responsbilities... that is something that won't change in a month or two, or even years... if you are ready to be settled, and he is ready to party, then those two things just aren't compatible.... so please don't spend time a lot of time wondering what he is thinking/doing, that will only make you upset and obsess about the breakup... start thinking about YOU and doing things for yourself and your child, getting out, having fun with friends etc., so that you don't have so much time to think about him while you go on healing... start thinking about all your goals, for yourself and your child, not just your goal of being with him... it is very easy after a breakup to just think about the person and nothing else, to lose perspective that there is a whole world out there, and a life for you even if he isn't the center of it...