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About Me

  1. Many of us are doing NC on this board. Have read SuperDave71's motivational threads on NC. Some even signed up for his 30 days NC challenge to heal and feel better about ourselves. But the thing is...it is hard to stay in NC especially if it's your first time around! So I thought I'd create a post so those currently doing NC, and those who had lived through NC, can support and motivate each other - not to break NC that is...
  2. So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all. When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad. Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love. Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure? Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours. I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us. She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts.... From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires. It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship. Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal. I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up. I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up. I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel. The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game.. I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too? I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two. Thanks for reading.
  3. Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then: I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future. After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go. For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated. I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that? I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you.
  4. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  5. Hello. I am 18 and I just had a baby in September. My boyfriend and I were very shocked but I told him multiple times after finding out about our daughter that he didn’t have to stay and i would not file for child support but he still stayed. About 5 months pregnant and he cheated on me. Now I didn’t find out until a couple weeks before giving birth, and I didn’t even find out from him I found out from a friend who kept it from me as well. I had no time for myself to deal with this emotionally or mentally so I pushed it deep down and tried to forget about it, even though that never worked. Now that our daughter is 4 months old I finally have more time for myself and I want to heal. Me and him are still together. We talked about a lot after I found out about him cheating, I found out more that he would think of having sex with other girls, and that he just wasn’t as emotionally committed as I thought he was. It’s like I was running the relationship all by myself. But now that things are better and we’re more “honest” I just can’t seem to trust his word. I need help. What do you think of the situation please give me advice how do I heal from this.
  6. Me and my ex (25 and 24) broke up start of 2019, but remained in each others lives on and off until October 2019, where we went on a pre-booked 1 month holiday. There are one or two other posts about that. After returning from that, I stopped all contact. Around 3 weeks ago, she messaged me to ask how my family in Wuhan and how I am personally doing here in Aus. I kept the response very brief, and said I was doing great. Did not give anything to continue the conversation. I hope I did okay there. These days, I still think about her a few times a day. Sometimes I get pangs in my stomach but it is minor. I have an aversion to going places where she may be (we are in a relatively small town.) If someone mentions her, It can put my mood down. If somehow I see a picture of her through a mutual friends facebook, I feel pretty bad for a few hours. I still miss her a lot. Compared to when we broke up last year, I definitely feel a lot better. But recently I haven't seen any further improvement. Is this it? Is this how I will always feel?
  7. Hey all, it’s been over one year and a half since I posted here. That’s crazy to me. Perhaps this doesn’t matter to anyone but I did want to post an update to those of you that helped me so much get over my traumatizing break up and then some turmoils of a new relationship that happened after it. Regarding the ex, we have seen each other in events & some parties & been cordial. Time has healed all. And to whoever it may surprise, my partner and I are still together, just celebrated our 2nd year anniversary and signed a lease to our apartment. I cannot thank everyone enough for all the advice I got here as it really put to perspective how strong of a woman I am. It also pushed me to become a better partner. It’s made me realize communication is a big aspect to a healthy relationship but so is willingness to understand where the other person is coming from. Re-reading some of my previous year old posts makes me cringe now but I thank everyone that gave me unbiased third perspectives which helped me see things from a different point of view. So thanks eNotAlone!
  8. Long story short. Enjoyed the company of a 'friend' who I think, might have been emotionally abusive. I didn't realise it at the time, but i endured yelling, put downs and humiliation in front of others. Their behaviour suddenly turned around at one point, and i took this as a clue that they were romantically attracted to me, like i was to them. Then suddenly this person leaves without a goodbye and i have never heard from them again. I feel used, disrespected and a fool (why wasn't i smarter?). This hurt me as i thought i cared about this person, thought i was building a rapport with them (how wrong can you be?,), let them in and took their behaviour reversal as an attempt to make amends (and increased my trust for them), only to be dumped and discarded. Each time i tried to withdraw from this person, they'd seek out my attention and actively pull me back in. This made me think maybe they were committed to building a friendship / relationship with me, as in, our connection could have developed in the future. This has been a large part of my depression lately and i have struggled to make sense of it. I don't have any contact with this person, but still have some mutual contacts, which i can't really avoid right now. I felt we were building a rapport, but it all feels false now and it has all dissolved to nothing. It just makes me feel so used and disrespected. How do you get your self respect back and build your resilience again? It feels like i have broken up with someone. I will be extremely careful before letting anybody in again in the future... I'd like to seek counselling, and will slowly look for one. Mods: does this belong in a different forum? Thanks for reading.
  9. Hi, I posted about me and my other half broke up a couple of months ago. I guess I’m back here really because I’m struggling to move forward. He was (and is) a genuinely lovely person and the break up was as amicable as it could be, albeit very difficult. Not my decision, not what I wanted, but a case of bad timing in his life. It left me heartbroken though. I know I have to move on. I have been doing everything I can. I have a wonderfully busy career which I absolutely love and can be all consuming. It’s easy to let this take over though which I am becoming guilty of. I have wonderful friends. Literally the best. I play music. I go to the gym. I have started running more. I have even signed up to a race as I thought it would give me something to focus on! But...In between the distractions, I cry almost every day. I miss him being a part of my life. Its tough. I still love him. I feel stuck in a place where I’m not ready to move on but I know I have to. Truth be told, I know deep down that I’m still holding out hope that he may realise what he’s lost/change his mind once he sorts the other stuff in his life. But I’m also fully aware that this may not happen too. But I don't know how to let go completely. My friends have told me to try to redirect my focus rather than worry about ‘moving on’. Which is what I’m trying to do. But I still miss him!
  10. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. He broke up with me. It was my choice to take him off of social media right after the breakup happened, so we've had no contact ever since. I was really distraught at first, but overtime, I've been healing pretty well for the most part, keeping myself busy with exercise, school, work, casual dating, spending time with friends and family, etc. However, just the other day I accidentally saw my ex in public for the first time after the breakup (he didn't see me), and I really wish I didn't because a rush of emotion came back to me. It's almost like all my healing progress was for nothing now, and I'm back at square one again. I've missed him ever since the breakup happened, but now, I miss him more than I did at first, it seems. I'm not trying to rekindle anything. I would never try to do that - especially after the nasty breakup we had. I just would like to get back to normal and forget. Has this happened to anyone before? Any advice on how to bounce back?
  11. This past year has been the hardest of my life. I feel like the world is judging me, almost condemning me. I feel I am all wrong for the world. Sometimes even the responses here make me feel worried about myself, that I am too this or that....and that I destroy everything I touch. I have never had as much intense pain as I have experienced this year. There have been nights when I have thought so strongly about suicide that I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I have gone to counsellors, doctors, am on medication, but it seems like my soul is crying out...and that no pills or doctors can tend to what is going on with me...on a soul-level. What it is seems so simple...to love and give love. I try to practise this daily. I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....I long for the pain to cease...but it seems like such a part of my soul now. My chest hurts so much at night...I have never felt this way before, but the pain has caused my chest to constrict, and it hurts to breathe. I feel so warmly toward people, and I believe in romance, passion, love, honour, dignity....I love beautiful poems, art....I appreciate kind words...sometimes when a customer smiles at me or compliments me, I feel so grateful....this kind gesture means so much to me. But at home I feel so lonely....the apartment is so silent.......It seems I am so careful with people, not to hurt them or come on too strong...I am careful to be myself, to show my appreciation and love. I just pick the wrong ones...the ones that hurt me. I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me. I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........ I just needed to write this....If anyone can understand and write back....thank you.....
  12. Right, nice and short, no details except basically she knows I like her alot, shes told me she likes me a hell of alot but said mates is how we shud be... Now, I have fallen head over heals for her, I think about her 24/7, dream about her every night, infact i'm obcessed by her (she doesnt know that tho and I wont let that show, no one wants that lol) Im having a real bad time at the mo, depressed about everything, including wanting to be with her but not being with her. The only time Im actually happy is when Im with her. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how she is everything I want and more, how she is everything I could ever wish for in a person, how Im falling madly in love with her BUT if I do that I will probably 1) scare her off completely and 2) get very hurt. So I dont have the guts to say it to her. But I have to cus it is getting me down. So, any idea how I could tell her that, how I could get talking to her about it? I can easily talk about it on MSN but I want to avoid that cus that cant show how I truly feel, I need to do it in person but how? Where? What to say?
  13. In time I have come to realize that it's hard to live like this, Wishing you had things that are not around things you really miss. It's hard to love another when they dont show the same love to you, With all of your heart and soul you try to make things work to. It's hard to love someone who seems to always be mad, Someone that says they love you but leaves you alone and sad. In time I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, That all the love I gave to you it's your problem you could not see. All of the things I have been through that have got me where I am today, You learn to not believe everyone and believe the words they say. I have thought about you day and night about how much I love you so, But when it really comes down to this it's not my problem you dont know. All this time I have wanted you back and showed to you that I cared, All the times I felt this way really I was alone and scared. Do you think about what you did have you even opened your eyes to see, That this beautiful girl in front of you was giving you everything it could be. You may regret this and may not even have cared about the end, But all I need to do is heal my broken heart and let it mend. by me tell me what you think?
  14. I had posted in the Getting Back Together message board a few weeks ago that my ex dumped me about 5 months ago was asking all kinds of question regarding his personality right now, how I should act in our "friendship". I was comfortable chatting with him on the phone for a few weeks as "friends" but last Fri night I came to a realization that we need more no contact time. We I picked him up a few weeks ago to go hang out etc as "friends" and go to see a good friend for her b-day, we ended up spending the night at her place, because I didn't want to risk a DUI, so we ended up in her spare bedroom. I was intent on sleeping on the floor, but my ex wanted me to sleep and be close to him. Then the next morning we got ready and I was gonna take him back home. He kept asking me if I would spend the day with him and hang out more since we both had the day off. I didn't say yes or no the whole way to his house. He kept saying "I wish you would reconsider". And I kept saying I didn't feel that good and that I wanted to go home. Well by the time we got to his place I changed my mind and we hung out that day. He asked me later on that day if I would take him to a sex shop...I did and he bought a porno video with, get this...older guys (he's 20 and i'm 22)...didn't bother me since we're "friends" now, but I still thought it was weird. Fast forward to last Fri night...I came to the realization that we need a good bit of time more with no contact (I'm thinking 6 more months) although I may call him in 3 to check up briefly. He said he wants to date more and have a life, and get this, he said it doesn't matter if they're gorgeous or not. I didn't know what that was suppose to mean unless he wants a sugar daddy. Anyhow, after I told him this on the phone (he seemed quite shocked) and wrote him a letter Sat night and pretty much cleared everything up. I told him that I'll always love him and I will always remember the times we spent together fondly and I wish him safety and good health and all that. I didn't say to write me back or anything like that, so I guess I left that open...like he can write me back if he wants to. It seemed that I was getting along better in our no contact period. As soon as I started talking to him again after a month or so I felt like I started "waiting by the phone" again. Every telephone ring I checked the caller ID to see if it was him. 98% of the time it wasn't. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to always wonder exactly what he's doing or anything like that if he's not my bf. That's why I feel like I at least need until after christmas before I call him again...if I do...I feel like he should be the next one to call. We need to heal our wounds. Am I wrong as the dumpee, for feeling this way. It kills me inside but I have to keep at this
  15. Hi all, I just wanted everyone to know that there is hope.....and you WILL heal. I really did not think so just a few long weeks ago. For all of you that have been here for me I thank you. I have come through the hardest time of my life, but I feel like the worst is over and I could not have done it without you. I have not seen or heard from him in months so that has helped me alot. I do not think I could have ever moved on if I had any kind of contact with him at all. For all of you questioning the No Contact rule, do it. Try it for a week, it is for you and only you. You cannot move anywhere if you are still talking, Im, emailing or seeing the ex. It's impossible to get to the next stage of healing and you have to heal to find peace. I saw him a few weeks ago in his truck on the other side of the highway four lanes away and it threw me back a few steps. I cried a little for a few days, but today I feel much stronger. I know that I have survived one of the hardest emotional lessons (for want of a better word) that I will ever face and I pray to God I will never have to face it again. It hurt me and still does to some extent so very, very bad. I really do not know how I got through some days. I just wanted to sleep for years and wake up healed or not wake up at all, but of course it doesn't work that way. I still cannot and have not looked at our pics. I am not ready for that. I miss him some days more than others. I still think of him every single day and hope to hear from him. I have forgiven him and understand things better now. I have worked on myself so much so that I do not make the same mistakes in my next relationship. My spiritual life is better than it has been in years. I read tarot cards now, meditate, trying to practice the Law of Attraction (still having a little trouble with that one) and I am in such a different place now that he wouldn't even recognize me. And I am so very proud of myself. I came through this. I survived, I've actually even thrived in some areas. I will not ever go back to the clingy, needy, whiney creature he knew as me the last months we were together. Never again. I wish I could show him how different I am, but so far the opportunity has not presented itself. When I am ready and when he is ready it will happen. Until then I will move on but I will never contact him again. And if I never hear from him again I will still be ok because I AM ok anyhow. Something I forgot during the hell that was our relationship the last few months. I feel like there is hope now. I am becoming the woman he fell for once again. The strong, independent, loving woman I was that I thought I had lost. She wasn't lost, she just went into hiding trying to keep something that wasn't really her's to keep. What a hard lesson that was. I hate cliches but it's true "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours" because I was so very afraid he wasn't going to come back or I would lose him for good. And the very thing that you fear is what will happen because you hang on so tight that you choke off the love they feel for you and there is nothing left to keep them there. Let them go. And the mind games I played with myself. Sheesh. You just cannot think rationally when you need it the most. You can come up with so many reasons why you need to contact the ex. And they sound perfectly reasonable to you at the time. But when you are in that bad place believe me when I say it's not the best solution and do not trust your instincts on that. What sounds like the absolute best communication you have ever had will sound like whiney bullcrap to them. They are in a whole different universe and you have been left behind. There is no way to get past that until time has had it's way. But time will do her job and you and I will wake up and know that we've made it. I'm almost there and I hope that you guys are too, because there is no way I could have done it without all of you. The test will be my b'day coming up in a few weeks. Last year was the best one I've ever had, and I am dreading this one. But no matter what...... I WILL BE OK and guess what? You will too. Good luck to all of you in the bad place, it will get better, but you have to work at it. You have to concentrate on just you and remember that the ex is no longer with you in any way. It is all up to you now and you will do fine.
  16. My exboyfriend broke up with me a week ago because I was "complaining" about our relationship (when I was saying I missed not seeing him and talking to him... my bad for showing I MISSED someone) and he thought I couldn't handle the relationship (what have I been doing for the past semester?... Dealing). Every now and then I miss what we had and everything, but it's getting easier every day. I know I don't want to be with him again, and I think that's where he stands also. Anyway, early yesterday I was talking to him and he asked if I'm dating now. I told him the truth and said that I'm hanging out with some guys right now one-on-one, but mainly as friends as I'm really not ready for a real relationship. He seemed ok with it (not like it'd matter if he wasn't anymore), and I'm only doing what he told me to do which is get over him because there's no chance for us. I told him that I love him, but not like I used to, and I'll never be able to trust him again. Oddly, I talked to him late yesterday afternoon and he told me he was coming home from college this weekend (which he never does) to see me. I don't know if it's true that he's coming just to see me. Maybe he was planning on coming anyway, but just wanted to make it seem like he cares. But then he was like, "Well, you need a hug." I just told him that I didn't, because the last time I got a hug from him he was telling me he wanted to be with me forever. I really don't need anything from him. I've been doing so well with healing the broken heart he has caused me with out him. Could he just be coming for himself because now he's holding onto something that is so completely over? Is he trying to open up my old wounds so I'll get depressed over losing him, and I won't move on and hang out with these guys anymore? Also, do you think I should even let him come and see me, or is a week to early? Should I wait until I have healed more? Thanks!
  17. I'm writing this because one gripe I had about this site when I was on it everyday is that when people healed and moved on, we never got to hear their success stories. We never got to hear how someone finally got over it. So here goes. The circumstances of my breakup don't really matter; suffice it to say, it was probably similar to that of any one of you reading this. I had what I thought was a great relationship, then I got sat down on a park bench and told it wasn't working out -- that it was over. I spent more time than I care to admit completely heartbroken. I thought I found my soul mate, and that I'd never really love someone again. Today, I'm healed. I no longer have those feelings. I say this not to brag, but only offer proof that if I can do it, you can too. The standard things people tell you, (go to the gym, find new hobbies, make new friends) are all important, do them. More than that you need to grieve. It's ok that you're sitting alone in your room crying and feeling lonely. There's no shame in that, you have to do it. No one expects you to feel otherwise. The memories of your loved one and the times you spent together will haunt you until you grieve each memory separately. When that special memory of that time you went to the zoo together or walked in the park together or whatever else pops into your head, you have to grieve for that memory and let it die. After a while, those memories don't give you that pang anymore, because you already cried over it. When you get through every one, those memories won't have the same impact on you. It's like hearing a great song over and over again, eventually it's not so good anymore. After a lot of time, it's ok that you still feel lonely. It's not your fault. As long as you've spent quality time by yourself, and get out there and do new things, have new experiences, it's natural that you still miss that person. Even after I had long since stopped crying, I still thought about my ex; when I'd see a happy couple or watch a romantic movie I thought about him. It was the last time I was in love, so it's what I had to compare to. You're going to carry a little bit of a torch until you find your next serious love interest. And then, and only when you're ready, you will fall in love again. It's only then that you can really be healed. So today, I barely think about him anymore. Sure I do sometimes, but I don't feel abandoned or want to reach out to him in any way. My interests lay elsewhere. So don't beat yourselves up. I know you're counting the days since the last time you've spoken; I know you're wondering if you'll ever see each other again. When you think about such things, please know that you are NOT a loser. What you are going through right now is a uniquely human experience, one that we all must have to be fully realized individuals. This experience will make you a stronger, more mature person, no matter how many times this has happened to you before. Eventually, you will be better off for having had this experience. I know it's hard to believe now, but if there's anything I've learned from all this, it's that I've come to believe that our hearts are designed to heal themselves. It's how we were made. I hope any of this gives some of you some encouragement. Keep sharing on this site. These people give great advice and I couldn't have done it without their gentle support. Good luck everyone.
  18. Ok, in my case my girlfriend left me after 6 years for reasons of confusion and so on, Now, I know I should move on and try to heal but me knowing her so well and her really being a great person. I know she is just confused about life and me, and I know she will come out of it and choose wisely, since we had Almost 6 years of madly love for each other, so my question is, in this situation should I give her a chance to come back Or just go full throttle and leave her in the dust? thank you.
  19. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago because I had been acting like a major jerk.. I ended up having a panic attack at work as we work together. Turns out I had been in a slowly escalating depression for about a month. I'm getting myself together but she's already moving on. I'm now haunted by thoughts of her sexual encounters with new men. It really makes me sick and i'm not sure how to deal with this. How do I a)get over her considering that the reason we broke up was because of my behavior in the midst of a depression that i was unaware of. And I'm getting counseling so I'm back to normal.. b) HOW DO I get these thoughts of her new sex life out of my head. They are vivid visions and they really mess me up.. It makes it harder for me to get over her.. next.. she decided to get in touch with me after we agreed not to speak for a few weeks.. she told me i'm the only one who really 'knows' her and she needed to share personal things with me regarding family stuff. it only made my progress go backwards.. i don't know what to feel..
  20. I'm not looking for the perfect man I want the perfect man for ME And my perfect man Can be deliciously flawed Guilty of arrogance Short tempered Vain Sometimes unreasonable With scars that he wears proudly Upon his face That tell a story Of past lovers Of pain and suffering Of a broken heart He will challenge me Use, and consume me Will need me But leave the door open To set me free He will hurt me But heal me He'll know the taste of my tears As intimately As the curves on my body Leave me to stand alone And stand behind me when I need him He will lay his mask at my feet And bare his heart My perfect man is whatever Shade he happens to come in He needs only to love me And accept me Without boundaries
  21. O.k- i'll keep it short & sweet (or at leat try!) When i was at school (2+ ys ago) there was this girl (there are quite a few, i know ). She was really shy, and extremely pretty (...i don't think she realized!). During lessons (inwhich she & I were in), i would always end up gazing into her beautiful dark brown eyes. She used to look at me quite alot also. Sometimes, we would gaze into each others eyes for what felt like an eternity- it felt like time just stood still (i don't know if anyone has ever had this experience, if you can call it that?!) We had quite a few ''drunken'' experiences (more than gazing into each otheres eyes ) with each other at parties and stuff. But we were both too shy to ever really get together as a couple afterwads. Anyway, left school and completely forgot about her. Then, one day, i was in a club sitting down with some mates. I was extremely drunk and this beautiful girl walked in. Next thing i know, she was sitting next to ME! trying to make conversation, but the music was too loud and i was too drunk to even understand, let alone hold a conversation! Then we made eye contact, and it was just like the times at school, her eyes just seem to get me in a state of hypnosis or something, i could get lost in them for days!! She put her head on my shoulder & gave me her driving license ! I thought she was a bit crazy (didn't realize who she was at them time) and i got up and left. (we were leaving anyway). It was not until the next day that i thought about the events & realized who she was (friends told me), and then everything clicked into place (her eyes, & why she gave me her i.d card etc). From that day on (about six months ago now) I have not been able to forget about her atall. At the time i was on the down & out, drinking way too much, smoking, smoking dope, very depressed, getting unfit (not like me atall) etc. Looking into her eyes made me realize who i was (brought memories back), and where i was now heading(down the wrong road). It was like i was lost, and she helped me to find myself again. weird, i know....and you may think this is all quite sad/strange but it totally changed my life. The next day (after i realized who she was)... i had a desire to get back to the old me, the fit, happy, popular me. I gave up drinking,smoking, everything that was killing me. I started to get fit again (running, weights etc). It felt like i had a reason. Six months down the road i am feeling alot better than then. I havn't touched a cigaratte/dope and i rarely drink.... i know it will take a long time to completely heal (i won't go into what i'm healing from here ). All i know is that i need to find this magical girl again (Kieri)... Any comments/ suggestions/ ideas on the above?!
  22. Hello everyone, Breaking up is very painful and moving on takes time. I just want to tell everyone that I do practice what I preach. I have kept myself busy and have gone on with my life these past few months. I am now being very actively persued by a new man. I don't know where this will go, but hey, getting there is half the fun ! I know that if I had shut down and just kept myself where I was I would not be healing well at all. Whatever happens now--I know that my future relationships will benefit from all that I have learned. Thanks to everyone. A
  23. I'm 36, so is my Ex-H, and we have a 15 y-o daughter. We have been together for 13 years. In Mid-january, he announced he was mixed up, bla bla, to make a long story short, in early May I moved out (Ex had another woman on his mind). Now we are mid-August, and he keeps sending me mixed signals, that he still isn't sure if we should get back together or not. Says he is still seeing Other woman, but she is only a friend at this point, says he realized he does not see a future with her. Whether he comes back or not, how the heck am I supposed to heal, when we have constant contact. He calls regularly for this and that, especially regarding our daughter. Can't really tell him I don't want to speak with him anymore, and we live close by. Can someone help me move on with my life despite the mixed signals, the hopes, the regular contact etc? How do I find happiness again? Peace of mind? The feeling that I'll be OK with or without him? I just want to stop missing him and be happy again. I am not mad at him, am not overly depressed, just sad, lonely, and I miss him still. Thanks..
  24. Ugh, I was doing so good, thinking I was getting stronger, then BAM! my ex calls. He called to tell me that he relapsed again last night, and that he is going back into rehab. I just said that i hope everything goes good this time, and i wished him luck. He went on about how he just wanted to see me...just for 5 minutes. I DIDN'T DO IT! I know i should of just hung up after i said that, but its hard for me to be mean. But I didn't go see him. I told him i couldn't and he went on to say, "why are you punishing me?" and I just told him that its not always about him, and that I couldn't do it, I couldn't see him because i am trying to heal myself and I don't want to see him. I think it will be good for him going into rehab, i mean if he actually stays he hasn't finished one 28 day program ever...so who knows...but with him being away and not being able to call, will give me the space that I really need. It's getting harder somedays now...I go back and read the list i made of all the bad things that he's done...but sometimes it doesn't help. Part of me still misses him. Which is normal I guess. But I need to really start seeing him for who he is now...and not the person I wanted him to be or the person he wishes he could be. Maybe someday he will become that person...but right now...he's not someone I could be with. I dont know if i will ever be able to be with again. Its just hard. I dont know I just needed to vent alittle...thanks for listening... I just wish i could press the reset button sometimes....
  25. I know some of you are probably so heartbroken that you're willing to try anything: anything to make life a little better right now, a little more hopeful. I really searched after my breakup for something that might do that. I found it: in just one week, energy healing has changed my life. I took a Shamballa class (you might want to look into Reiki since Shamballa practitioners can be hard to find). For those who doubt, it's worth a shot. You don't have to wonder whether it's working; it really works miracles, and in such a short time. I wish I had this after the breakup... You can heal yourself and others, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You can send energy to situations and relationships (which might be good if you're still intent on getting back together with someone... but at the same time, it will heal your pain). I'm sure if I was reading this post a year ago I would have dismissed it... but if you've never heard of such a thing, do some research, see if this might be what you're looking for... Before today, I knew this was very good for me... but this morning, I realised that it was *really* purging and curing my emotional wounds... I was doing Shamballa to myself, for about an hour, while I was watching a movie (it's that simple). After a while, I started feeling quite relaxed, and even a bit euphoric, especially in my legs. I started to feel very light. As I relaxed with my hands over my heart chakra, I slowly started to feel a centre of pain -- not physical pain, but emotional pain -- coming out of my heart. It was the sort of feeling you get when you 'lose your stomach,' except it was in my heart. That centre of pain came from a point and started getting bigger, and bigger. There was a part of me that wanted to stop, but I kept going. That point continued to expand until it completely surrounded me. I became the emotion. I would describe it as extremely orgasmic, in its intensity, and in the way the emotions completely surrounded me. I felt incredible sadness and joy at the same time. The emotions were not about anything; that is, they weren't connected to anything I might feel joyful or sad about. They were just emotions. I felt like I could cry, and crying would have felt so beautiful, but I didn't. Now, it's over, and I'm not quite sure how I feel. I definitely feel relieved in some sense, and exhilarated. There's a sense of 'newness' but I don't quite know what that means. It feels as though I have shed my old skin. It feels like summer after finishing an incredibly stressful school year. I don't know what that was, but it was very amazing, and quite spiritual. I am lighter and free of all the junk that was clouding me after the breakup... so much baggage was healed in a matter of minutes. I've never felt anything like it before. I just... wow. Maybe we're most open-minded when we're desparate. Maybe this will encourage you to look into something like this... or at the very least, to keep searching...
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