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About Me

  1. Many of us are doing NC on this board. Have read SuperDave71's motivational threads on NC. Some even signed up for his 30 days NC challenge to heal and feel better about ourselves. But the thing is...it is hard to stay in NC especially if it's your first time around! So I thought I'd create a post so those currently doing NC, and those who had lived through NC, can support and motivate each other - not to break NC that is...
  2. Highly embarrassing but here goes- had a bit of an itchy bottom the past few days, and over the past 24 hours whenever I use the toilet there's a little blood on the tissue. Took a look in the mirror earlier today and there's a red line down my bum crack- it's obviously a sore/split. What can I do to make it heal? It's uncomfortable and stings a lot but I can't get to the doctors due to work. It's such a hard area to keep dry too, anyone experienced this problem?!!!
  3. This is going to be a long post so thank you in advance for reading it. My wifes ex has always been somewhere in the shadows. They did talk, I was always afraid this would happen. I was looking at old photos to make look nice for valentine's day, i saw that around 6 years ago, she started liking her exs posts. At the time she told me the truth, she had seen him, she said she felt i was distant. I was not in my right mind as it happened while I was having a mental break down. I was hurt, i felt that at the moment i needed her the most, she went to him, but a year later she told me it was just a lie to hurt my feelings and i gladly embraced that than accepting the pain. But going through the old photos, it brought everything back, so rather than give her her valentines day card, I confronted her. At first it was denial and I don't remembers, but then it came out, one or twice perhaps 3 times, I'm not sure. I left and went for a walk, when i got back she asked if i wanted to talk in the car, she asked if i could ever forgive her, in tears, promised it would never happen again, that the last time she saw him it was to tell him it was over. I needed to talk more with her as we didn't have much time, and i was freaking out. So we dropped the kids off at grans, she didn't want to talk, just kept saying "i cant deal with this, just get a divorce, stay with your mom, ill end up in hospital" ect ect... But this is only half the story. I can't tell this story just one-sided or my wife will seem like the villain so you need to know all this below to understand. See ive had severe mental health issues my whole life, the first few years were hard, she had to cope with my mental health on a daily basis and sometimes it was too much, other times i went to my mother for comfort rather than her. People say i was the perfect father and most loving husband when we had our first child, mabey i was nice but far from perfect and it wasnt long before my mental health got in the way again. The affair happened during one very hard mental break down, and it was a huge emotional toll as i had to get put into a mental health facility. The affair happened just before it got so bad, she felt i didn't love her because i couldn't even touch her. But even after all of this, she came back with me. And as i said she told me. I went out with her for drinks, and then more and more, see turned out, i enjoyed the alcohol because it numbed the pain and my mental health was better. It got to the stage i was drunk every day and even in college, i got arrested several times and ended up homeless, when i got somewhere to live i just drank, i would busk for money for alcohol, I'd sell anything in my wife's house for the drink, i got drunk the day my second child was born, i was hanging around the wrong people, id left her all alone with two children so i could selfishly drink everything away. The drink almost took my life, I i put her through hell with my drunkenness, i was to stupid to see what i was throwing away, i regret every missed second. After stealing time and time again, coming to see her and hiding alcohol, or only playing with the kids a little then back to alcohol. I almost lost my ability to see my kids due to not being sober yet she defended me, and for years i drunk myself into oblivion. This entire time she could have left and went home, she could have met another man, but she didn't, she did talk with her ex about it, but only once. She basically had to raise the kids alone. Last year about a year from today i finally did it, i gave up the alcohol before it took everything from me. And she gave me a final chance, when everyone in my world had given up on me she gave me that last chance. This brings me to now. Yes I'm hurt she cheated, I'm hurt she spoke with him even briefly. But what breaks my heart more than anything ever could, is that i caused her so much pain, i abandoned her and my kids, i sometimes break down and cry when i think of all the pain i caused, and yet she never gave up hope id come back. See you needed to know all this because this can't be one-sided in the circumstances, and if any of you feel angry at the things i did reading this, just know i feel exactly the same. This is the conflict, she cheated once, went out with him a second time and spoke with him a third time. But she could have left me because of all i did, and yet she didn't, she was at her last straw, and I returned. At first i didn't want to deal with it, it was just "daddy's back woo he is sober" but I didn't want to think on the pain i caused them. I could only hold on so long so all of this came out in the open on valentine's day. Yes, its painful to think on her affair. But its painful to think i caused the person i loved so much, all this pain. I find it really hard to forgive myself as i should have been there, helping, taking her pain not causing it. And when the whole world turned its back on me, she was there, still waiting still loving. I really don't deserve her love, I didn't deserve her final chance, i despise my past actions, i cry when i think on the pain i caused her. Yet i was hurt by her affair, scared ill not be good enough and that it could happen again. This is why my grief is a double-sided sword. I grievee her affair, but i also grievee all the pain i caused and all the time i wasted when i should have been with my family. I'm one year sober, we want to renew our vows, get some counseling, not just for her actions but also and importantly for mine. She cried in the car, told me how much i had hurt her, and she was right. I did. So i come to all of you for advice. I don't want to cause my family any more pain, but i feel so selfish when my heart breaks due to the affair, especially after everything she has done and went through. Do you have any advice?
  4. So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all. When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad. Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love. Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure? Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours. I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us. She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts.... From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires. It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship. Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal. I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up. I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up. I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel. The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game.. I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too? I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two. Thanks for reading.
  5. Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then: I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future. After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go. For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated. I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that? I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you.
  6. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  7. Hello. I am 18 and I just had a baby in September. My boyfriend and I were very shocked but I told him multiple times after finding out about our daughter that he didn’t have to stay and i would not file for child support but he still stayed. About 5 months pregnant and he cheated on me. Now I didn’t find out until a couple weeks before giving birth, and I didn’t even find out from him I found out from a friend who kept it from me as well. I had no time for myself to deal with this emotionally or mentally so I pushed it deep down and tried to forget about it, even though that never worked. Now that our daughter is 4 months old I finally have more time for myself and I want to heal. Me and him are still together. We talked about a lot after I found out about him cheating, I found out more that he would think of having sex with other girls, and that he just wasn’t as emotionally committed as I thought he was. It’s like I was running the relationship all by myself. But now that things are better and we’re more “honest” I just can’t seem to trust his word. I need help. What do you think of the situation please give me advice how do I heal from this.
  8. Me and my ex (25 and 24) broke up start of 2019, but remained in each others lives on and off until October 2019, where we went on a pre-booked 1 month holiday. There are one or two other posts about that. After returning from that, I stopped all contact. Around 3 weeks ago, she messaged me to ask how my family in Wuhan and how I am personally doing here in Aus. I kept the response very brief, and said I was doing great. Did not give anything to continue the conversation. I hope I did okay there. These days, I still think about her a few times a day. Sometimes I get pangs in my stomach but it is minor. I have an aversion to going places where she may be (we are in a relatively small town.) If someone mentions her, It can put my mood down. If somehow I see a picture of her through a mutual friends facebook, I feel pretty bad for a few hours. I still miss her a lot. Compared to when we broke up last year, I definitely feel a lot better. But recently I haven't seen any further improvement. Is this it? Is this how I will always feel?
  9. Hey all, it’s been over one year and a half since I posted here. That’s crazy to me. Perhaps this doesn’t matter to anyone but I did want to post an update to those of you that helped me so much get over my traumatizing break up and then some turmoils of a new relationship that happened after it. Regarding the ex, we have seen each other in events & some parties & been cordial. Time has healed all. And to whoever it may surprise, my partner and I are still together, just celebrated our 2nd year anniversary and signed a lease to our apartment. I cannot thank everyone enough for all the advice I got here as it really put to perspective how strong of a woman I am. It also pushed me to become a better partner. It’s made me realize communication is a big aspect to a healthy relationship but so is willingness to understand where the other person is coming from. Re-reading some of my previous year old posts makes me cringe now but I thank everyone that gave me unbiased third perspectives which helped me see things from a different point of view. So thanks eNotAlone!
  10. Long story short. Enjoyed the company of a 'friend' who I think, might have been emotionally abusive. I didn't realise it at the time, but i endured yelling, put downs and humiliation in front of others. Their behaviour suddenly turned around at one point, and i took this as a clue that they were romantically attracted to me, like i was to them. Then suddenly this person leaves without a goodbye and i have never heard from them again. I feel used, disrespected and a fool (why wasn't i smarter?). This hurt me as i thought i cared about this person, thought i was building a rapport with them (how wrong can you be?,), let them in and took their behaviour reversal as an attempt to make amends (and increased my trust for them), only to be dumped and discarded. Each time i tried to withdraw from this person, they'd seek out my attention and actively pull me back in. This made me think maybe they were committed to building a friendship / relationship with me, as in, our connection could have developed in the future. This has been a large part of my depression lately and i have struggled to make sense of it. I don't have any contact with this person, but still have some mutual contacts, which i can't really avoid right now. I felt we were building a rapport, but it all feels false now and it has all dissolved to nothing. It just makes me feel so used and disrespected. How do you get your self respect back and build your resilience again? It feels like i have broken up with someone. I will be extremely careful before letting anybody in again in the future... I'd like to seek counselling, and will slowly look for one. Mods: does this belong in a different forum? Thanks for reading.
  11. Hi, I posted about me and my other half broke up a couple of months ago. I guess I’m back here really because I’m struggling to move forward. He was (and is) a genuinely lovely person and the break up was as amicable as it could be, albeit very difficult. Not my decision, not what I wanted, but a case of bad timing in his life. It left me heartbroken though. I know I have to move on. I have been doing everything I can. I have a wonderfully busy career which I absolutely love and can be all consuming. It’s easy to let this take over though which I am becoming guilty of. I have wonderful friends. Literally the best. I play music. I go to the gym. I have started running more. I have even signed up to a race as I thought it would give me something to focus on! But...In between the distractions, I cry almost every day. I miss him being a part of my life. Its tough. I still love him. I feel stuck in a place where I’m not ready to move on but I know I have to. Truth be told, I know deep down that I’m still holding out hope that he may realise what he’s lost/change his mind once he sorts the other stuff in his life. But I’m also fully aware that this may not happen too. But I don't know how to let go completely. My friends have told me to try to redirect my focus rather than worry about ‘moving on’. Which is what I’m trying to do. But I still miss him!
  12. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. He broke up with me. It was my choice to take him off of social media right after the breakup happened, so we've had no contact ever since. I was really distraught at first, but overtime, I've been healing pretty well for the most part, keeping myself busy with exercise, school, work, casual dating, spending time with friends and family, etc. However, just the other day I accidentally saw my ex in public for the first time after the breakup (he didn't see me), and I really wish I didn't because a rush of emotion came back to me. It's almost like all my healing progress was for nothing now, and I'm back at square one again. I've missed him ever since the breakup happened, but now, I miss him more than I did at first, it seems. I'm not trying to rekindle anything. I would never try to do that - especially after the nasty breakup we had. I just would like to get back to normal and forget. Has this happened to anyone before? Any advice on how to bounce back?
  13. I'm not trying to thread spam, but this is a big enough change I think it warranted a new thread. My ex reached out today and apologized for the breakup. Said it was life pressures, misunderstandings and legitimate issues that caused it. Any regrets are over how it was handled not that she felt it was needed at the time. But that after reflection the issues aren't dealbreakers at all, they just were at that time. And that she's open to trying again in a few months after we both finish up some major projects and have time to reflect/heal. The changes requested are very, very reasonable, actionable and would benefit me and her regardless of if it works out. Things like communication and organization. Instead of spending energy on trying to guess what the other person meant we find a way to speak it so they know. Instead of spending time on things we don't need right away we streamline to the things we do and use the extra time to work better then have the time and energy to have more experiences together. I'm a mild packrat out of habit, not a deep need to keep everything. Habits are ingrained, but not impossible to change and something needed. Finally we moved a little too fast, so don't totally reset things as there is a history, but start anew with dates and work our way back up. Usually you get something post-breakup that says change who you are at your core, not be a better you. All these are just "be a better you because I believe in you" (actual thing she said). My gut says yes, yes, yes. This is actually what we all want to hear from someone I think. Wanted to see what outside views are because the heart involved plus I was dumpee combo doesn't always lead to the best thoughts or choices.
  14. Shattered in to pieces. That is what my heart probably looks like right now. I didn't see the break up coming, and it's even harder to heal because I didn't get any closure. I don't think that 'last text' counts. You don't end an almost three year relationship with a text. Some people are just really heartless like that, eh? Been crying for almost every night this February. It still hurts like hell as I am typing this, but I guess I'd just have to endure this and allow time to heal me. But it's easier said than done. Also trying my best not to contact her or be in touch, but still relapsing from time to time. (I would also appreciate if someone give advice on how to resist contacting your ex?). My head is messed up right now. It's tough to be dumped, but it's truly tougher not having any closure! I'll forever wonder what really went down that night. At this point, it feels like the wound is forever gonna linger. So tell me, is closure really essential to heal? At least, as a first step to move on?
  15. I wrote a previous post where my ex dated another girl and lied about it whilst we were in the early stages. A few other things were at play and I decided to end the relationship. My ex is moving out of my house and even though he said he never liked my neighbourhood and hated my gym which he joined, he has now decided that he wants to stay in the area. Not only that, but he wants to move in with two women at the end of my street. I have asked him not to, it will not help me heal or help with making a fresh start. Is this some kind of torture? Please advise what you would do in this situation.
  16. Hey all... I know that healing is far from a linear process and impossible to predict a timeline - however, I'm just curious as to roughly how long it took others to reach the point of indifference and genuinely wish their ex a life full of happiness? Bitterness and resentment are emotions I do not wish to harbour. I believe that negative feelings will only continue to intrude on my new life and my own happiness. Backstory: 7 year relationship, engaged for 2; he had my replacement lined up before I moved out, they got married a short 9 months later. I am working on healing and have definitely improved my own mental health and well being. However, I still hold much anger, bitterness and resentment towards my ex. I try not to focus on this and am in strict No Contact. However, I did see him in person for the first time in over a year and I still very much had a physical reaction. I believe proper healing involves forgiveness and letting go of negative thoughts- but I cannot seem to get there when it comes to him. Anyone ever experience a similar situation? Enotalone has been vital to my healing process. Thanks in advance!
  17. Self blame and no closure is haunting me. Not an exaggeration when I say daily. On a good day, I might think about her briefly a few times... because work is busy and there are some cheerful things. On a bad day, it will paralyse me, especially either side of sleep. I decided to write this after kneeling in the shower and crying. Over the 4+ years since break up, I have dated numerous girls (2 for 1+ years) and I have given everything to those relationships, but nothing is right. Some facts: - we dated from 2011 to 2014 (3 years) and we were engaged for half that - the passion and love was insane - she did so much for me, and i was unappreciative and did little in return - but i always 100% loved her in my own way - we bought each other many gifts, and I treated her to frequent vacations - when she got her first job after uni, she immediately changed her attitude and things fell apart quickly - in retrospect, i was just a big baby and she moved on. - but when she moved on, she cut all lines of communication and never said good bye. - i haven't been able to recover from that... Some reflections: - i wish i can travel back in time and punch myself in the face - i have tried to contact her in different ways but to no avail - she has been with some random dude since then and they have a house, but not married. - i have really tried to move on. I am not young any more and I need to settle down. But no one comes remotely close to the way she loved me and I loved her. - love is not a comparison, but once you have been loved like that; you can't go down... Any advice would be appreciated.
  18. Hi all. Just wondering what others have done to help them heal? I know the usual ‘gym, new hobbies, etc etc’ But I’m talking more about self esteem. Heck everyone’s self esteem gets knocked after a breakup. But how do you heal self esteem? How do you put together the little pieces that have been chipped away? There’s no manuals for this? No instructions!
  19. Or did you ever? I'm genuinely curious. It's been about 7 months NC for me now, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I think she'll always have a spot in my heart and I just have to accept that. Admittedly, 7 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things so I could easily be very wrong, who knows... which is why I wanted to start this thread and hear other people's stories. I've lied to myself daily and told myself that I'm over the whole thing, but if I'm honest, I'm so not. Sure I'm moving on in all the right ways and I feel better about it, but I still think about her pretty much daily and it makes me sad every time. Does anyone have that one person that, despite moving on, healing, maybe even meeting someone else and being happy, they'll always tug on your heartstrings when you remember them and wonder what could have been? Or did you get to the point where you truly stopped caring? Do you know when it happened if so? How long ago was it?
  20. Just changed the usernames on my two main Instagram accounts. It is not possible to remove all trace of myself from the Internet, but I am cutting off the main avenues of contact. It makes me feel sick to the stomach. To cut ties is so strange. Nonetheless, I feel like it is the best thing to do, because it was a cyber relationship that was never going to get that much deeper. It did not give me what I need, but I knew from experience that talking about it was pointless. Like every other time I tried to work on the relationship, he would just ignore me. In the end, I didn't want to even give him the chance to brush me off. I just closed my website and put up a goodbye note instead. It reminds me a bit of how I felt tonight, when I didn't want him to see my photography or comments on Instagram. Now, the healing really begins. I know it is late, and so many of my girlfriends are single, but I am excited about the possibility of a future with someone real. Hell it hurts!!
  21. is it selfish to tell someone that you want to be alone to work on your self over and over again to heal from your previous relationship (the relationship before that) and mental issues? They've been doing it for 4 years they claim they love you and want to be with you. The problem is I need to work on these issues. I also just want to wrap myself up in work hopefully get a second part time job and use my spare time to focus on my kids. Is that selfish? It's not that I don't want to be with the guy. I just don't see how it's possible.
  22. Has anyone ever felt like you've met your match but it was bad timing for both of you? How would you approach that situation? Do you cut it as a loss and completely walk away? What if you try to and they won't let you go and you're the one who needs to heal and process things to be better? What kind of things would you do to help if you were that other person and decided to stay? Do you stay in contact risking the effects of emotional unavailability and potentially ruining a good thing because one person or both aren't at their best (though, they're working on getting better? ) Would it make it worse to try to stay and "help" them? Would you come back if they asked you to give them space for a certain amount of time?
  23. Day 4 - (Still Raw) So yesterday was ok. Not terrible just ok. Helped my uncles kids light fireworks, etc. I couldn’t help but wish they were my own kids. O well. I had fun, kept it together, NC iniated by either side. I have my ex blocked on everything except email. Email is the only avenue of communication between us. It’s for emergencies and to notify me when the kids need something. I’m always very prompt to get the kids what they need. As another poster said, this time and space to heal is much needed. It’s not forever. I just need to get my head together. I’m doing more harm than good. I’m excited about the future. Finding someone new and putting this toxic relationship behind me so I can be the best dad to my kids! I’m also looking forward to the day when this hurt and confusion I feel is all over! I’ll be journaling twice a day for now on everyday. I’m curious to see my progression through this healing process! Well, I guess I’ll get back to work! Have a great day everyone:) Red88
  24. Please no judgments I just am hoping for thoughts/advice/experiences. I am not sure if this is the right place to post this one but I am struggling with somethings. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago this week. He was in a relationship within a couple weeks of breaking up with me which tells me he was involved with her before ending it. We were together 5 years on and off. When I say on and off it is because he was hurt in the middle of our relationship which impacted it. Anyway without getting into the long details of it, I have been doing my best to move on. I went no contact from day 1 with the exception of maybe 6 texts cancelling vacation plans. He initiated those. I have had no desire to speak with him. My brain knows I need to move on. He has hurt me. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past 2 months (it was a sudden break-up in which I received no closure) and trying to do the things everyone tells you to do while healing. My brain tells me it is over, time to let him go etc. My heart is another story. I miss him. A lot. I think about him all the time. I physically feel different than I ever have. It is hard. But this past week, I have been having very realistic dreams about getting back together at some point down the line. They are waking me up. Now the thoughts are there. This is the first time since we broke up that I have had them. I wouldn’t even think about being with him because it hurt too much. All I could think was things I wanted to say about what he did and how he hurt me. Now it’s been weird. I just feel like him and I are never “finished” maybe because of what we went through together. Is it bad to think like that if I am still going about my life, finding things that make me happy, working on myself, etc? I don’t want to be in some sort of denial about things especially since he is with someone else right now. I don’t feel like I am waiting because right now, I know nothing has changed and I have not had enough time to change the things about myself that I want to change. My thoughts are more far off into the future (a year if not more). But I am worried this will somehow set my healing back. I know that no one can predict the future but these thoughts came from no where (that I know of) and there are so strong. They make me feel better for a while. I don't know if that is good or bad and I am struggling.
  25. Hi all. So it has been 3 weeks since I've contacted my ex, and he hasn't reached out in these past 3 weeks. I am used to not talking to him by now; however, I do not feel myself healing. I am sad he hasn't reached out. I know why I am not healing, it is due to me checking his FB page every day. I see him flirt with others, I see him make posts about when he will be in a relationship, I see him happy and joking. That makes it easier for me to not initiate a convo with him because I think "oh well, he's happy without me, so why should I contact him" but I am not moving on. It hurts that he use to flirt on social media while with me anyway, so his profile on FB is no different now than it was before when he was with me....he acted single before, and it's the same now. I don't want to get back with him, it was not good for me due to it being on an off for 4 years, but again I wasn't the one who ended it, I wanted it to work out...but because it ended for the millionth time I don't want it back. I loved him, so it hurts that he hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. It hurts he didn't miss me. So anyway, how do I stop checking his page? I keep blocking and unblocking him when I get curious. I need to move on for good. And why do I still worry who he's talking to? Why do I get sad at the thought that he will find someone soon? Why do I worry he will forget me? Ah, I feel a bit weak...I think it's because 3 weeks is the longest we've gone without talking to each other.
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