GoingForIt_77

Oh yes I am Melrich. Offering to mail her boots back is a NICE and THOUGHTFUL gesture. Again, she is a grown woman, who is NOT helpless. She can choose to ignore my contacts. So far, she hasn't. When you go in wanting nothing and only giving, they rarely do after all.

NO Carnelia, I have not done this to another girl. The girl Melrich is drudging up from the dead is a girl who did this to ME. She was abusive. She verbally and physically abused me for almost 3 years and I felt like I deserved it, so I kept trying to get her back. She had NO compassion. Heartless through and through. This current ex is the EXACT OPPOSITE of her. I just didn't feel that I deserved her because of my low self-esteem, so I pushed her away from me. I am only now remembering what makes me so great! . Joke...I think.

HEY, I did NOT violate her today. She had the free will NOT to respond. It takes 2 to tango. Do not forget that. I did not use any manipulation at all. I was not arrogant, but then again, a bit of that is required, isn't it? That's what I've been lacking for a while.

No need to call her a poor girl Melrich. I am not a bad guy. I hurt her. YES. I know that. That old Dan did not go for help. This Dan has been for a year now and have tried hard to get rid of my skeletons and I have most of them. I preached something on here back in the day that did work, if done for the right reasons. This is a getting back together forum, remember? My ex asked me to stay away, because she wanted to be away from the Dan who pushed her away for months, because he was scared to get close to her. Why was he scared to get close to her? Well, in many ways, it was that other ex who played with and messed me up. She abused me EVERY single day. Verbally and physically. When I said that I have humbled out, well I have, but there are still scars there and I am working on them and by doing what I did today, well, there is NOTHING wrong with it. If it were wrong, she would have told me, or better yet, she wouldn't have replied. She didn't want to go away. She loved me when she left me. Last Monday night (our 5 hour conversation), she was crying and telling me how much she still loved me. She was conflicted and confused. In many ways, I took away her confusion this past Sunday, all because I got emotional, thinking only of me. Today, I just did, without emotions. I did what I did and I will not question that. BTW Melrich, I helped MANY people on this site back in the day. I had 100's of people PM me on a weekly basis asking for guidance. I have the fundamentals, but lose focus and stop believing in myself. THAT is the issue.

I am still fundamentally the same person as I just explained in my previous post, but I have lost a lot of what made Danimal, Danimal. Today I am Dan. I am a calmer guy who cares a lot more about people and who has seen a lot and has learned, which is what kills me that I KNOW exactly WHAT I did wrong with my now ex, who was FAR better than the one who originally brought me to this website way back in the fall of 2002. She was a @!$. This ex is a VERY special person.

Melrich, I want to add that THAT Dan from way back then was a MASTER manipulator who did things I am NOT proud of today. I would never do those types of things today. While it may seem like a similar situation, it really isn't. BEEC can vouch for that. I have come a long way since then. I have humbled out. I have matured, but looking back at my old posts from early 2004 until the end of 2005 I know that I lost some of that boldness, which I am trying to incorporate into my new repertoire. I was grown to weak and feable over the years. I was more daring back then. I like that part of me, without the manipulation. Nothing of what I do today is a scheme of a plan. I am A LOT more honest. Probably TOO honest with my feelings, which is what got me in trouble with her on Sunday. Remember, I was the guy who preached ALOOFNESS, INDIFFERENCE, VAGUENESS, AMBIGUITY, MYSTERY, etc.... I forgot how vital all of that is. No one wants you to poor out your feelings onto them when they are confused.

These are NOT the kind of boots you would where outside...lol . How nice of her to tell me to keep the umbrella and telling me because she knows I don't have one. What happens when it rains Carnelia . Seriously though, the BOOTS are irrelevant. Focusing on the boots is missing the motivation behind why and HOW I did what I did today.

Be Strong, I would be a FOOL to think that she wants me back. That is NOT how feelings work. That is NOT how attraction works. I am NOT the passive type and never have been. I can get anything I want in this world. I cannot make anyone think differently, BUT, when IF you want someone to feel something different, you must show them something different. That is what I did today. Today, I did what DAN wanted to do and she knew that. I showed her that I was NOT scared of her. On Sunday I lowered myself and put myself beneath her in SO many ways. I put her on such a pedastel. THAT was the problem. Melrich, yes mate, I am not the same man as that other guy from back then. That ex and I are friends today. She is married and she KNOWS that I am different. She tells me that all the time. I have NOT fully ironed out all my flaws. I have been getting better, but all that was wrong with me was my lack of belief in my own potential and abilities and having needed validation and reassurance from others and being SO dependent on that. It's times like these that I remind myself that I am my own man and THAT is who my ex was drawn to. It's about learning to SUSTAIN that and NOT fear it going away, because when you fear that, it DOES go away and so does everything else around you. FACT.

Yeah, "Goodbye Dan" was a FUN response. She would have LOVED for me to have responded to that. HUGE test to see if I would have. Guess what? I didn't! Nothing is as final as many of you think. Of course she would push away the old Dan. Things aren't only on her terms. Not even close. She wanted me to cross the line when she said Goodbye Dan, which was preceeded by her having said, "No, you didn't act like a @#@# on Sunday. Stop putting yourself down." She defends me and then she says Goodbye. Her goodbye was VERY dramatic. It was done for effect and partially because she felt it, but also because it was done to see how I would react. Would I fight it. Would I argue it, or would I ignore it? I chose the latter.

Snowed? Explain.

Can't win all of you and I'm not here to do so. Sorry you feel I'm delusional. I'm no more obsessed about my ex then ANY of the people on this forum are. TRUST me on that one. I am completely confident in what I did today. YES, it was about her boots, but like you said Carnelia, didn't she say she didn't care about her boots only 2 days ago? YES. Do you know why? BEcause that's how she felt at the MOMENT. Feelings are dynamic. People do things based on how you make them feel. On Sunday I made her want to run away and she told me that she was never going to reply to ANYTHING I ever put her way again. Did I believe that? NO. That is how she felt 2 days ago. Did she want to feel that way? At the time perhaps. Guys, it's not about staying away for a month or two. It's also not about trying to contact them on a daily basis. It's about being in control of OUR OWN actions and being confident, which draws people to us. If she didn't WANT to respond to me today, she wouldn't have. SHE DID. The same girl who said she didn't want something she seemed to want today. I know what I am doing.

LADY, your BANG ON!!!! I will take it a step further. BTW, Kate and I go back a LOOOONG ways on this site. She knows me under a different name. Kate, don't utter it out loud though . Okay Lady, here goes: YES, she is sending me MIXED signals in a way. WHY? Well, she is drawn to the Dan of today. NOT repelled like so many of you think. She was repelled by weak and insecure Dan of Sunday. Today was a far different Dan, who was motivated to contact her, without any fear, or seeking her APPROVAL. When I lead, she follows. We tend to follow those who are BOLD and courageous, because being bold is the LEAST selfish thing we can do. When you sit back and contemplate what others will think of what you do, they will know that you are thinking just of you and they sense your doubt. Today, I had NO doubt and she jumped at my contact. She pulled away from an insecure Dan. NOT a confident Dan. Today I went in, seeking NOTHING from her and it was my lack of caring what she thought and not NOT caring about her, but of what she THOUGHT. I just DID. It was NOT my heart that guided me today. It was NOT emotion. It was just me going on a gut feeling, which in all reality, wasn't wrong. You see folks. She said she didn't care about her boots on Sunday, after having left, because the Dan she was faced with was a guy who would have done ANYTHING for her and she didn't want that. In many ways, she wanted a Dan who would do anything for himself. That's who she got today.

She wasn't SCARED of me on Sunday. She was TURNED OFF. I cared TOO much of what she thought and she knew it. I sought out her approval. Today, I did what I wanted to do. It was bold and she followed and was even somewhat nice and pleasant. Again, no regrets with what I did today. Part of the reason I was insecure in the past, is because I doubted every single move I made and thought I had. Not the case today.

Ladies, don't you see?? Part of the reason she is staying away from me isn't because of her "fear". It's because she was "turned off". Today, I did what I wanted to do, not caring what her or anyone else thinks and guess what? I got a responsive girl. I didn't text her multiple times. We texted each other back and forth (2 sided, not one). I don't regret doing today what I did ONE bit. I didn't have to re-earn her trust first. It was her RESPECT that needed to be re-earned, before her trust. She respected my boldness today. She replied IMMEDIATELY to me. Was nice about the umbrella and told me NOT to put myself down. Things are under control over here. TRUST me on that one. By the way Kate, BEEC, agrees with me on this one 100%.

The whole issue when she left my place and I acted weak and followed up on it right away, was that I was thrown off with how uncomfortable she seemed and as a result of that, I did not even remember to give her everything she had left at my place, which included her leather boots, her umbrella and some tupperware. We know when she left, she left without these things. I in turn called her back right away letting her know to turn around. I called back twice more and sent a text (my having chased for the first time). This scared her and she panicked (as I was) and told me she needs space, as you all know. I didn't stop there. I called back and asked her to be mature and call me, which prompted her to tell me that she can't have me in her life. I pushed for that. She told me she didn't care about her boots. The conversation spiralled out of control. I got emotional and started crying for the first time and I did everything I said I wouldn't. It pushed her away even further, inevitably so. I didn't let it go. I persisted. I made her call me back later on and she did. I was WEAKER than she had EVER seen me. This was NOT the tough guy she dated. She saw and helpless baby she could no longer take care of. She asked me to let go. YES, I feared letting go of her. This is deeper than it appears. She must have felt SO responsible for my unhappiness and my depency on her, which is something I NEVER showed her during the relationship. She pulled away even more. She became desperate, asking me what I wanted from her? She really didn't know anymore. I wanted a second chance, but that is not what I said. She asked me WHY I am doing this? I for the first time started apologizing for having disappointed her and letting her down. She said I didn't. She started sensing how HARD I really was being on myself for the first time since she met me. Previously, I had been hard on HER, but now, I am hard only on myself since she left. I told her that I must sound like a freak. She said you're not a freak. She kept defending me. I think it hurt her to see me doing this to myself. I stopped and said goodbye. Later that night, I sent her an email letting her know that I hope her tears stop falling and that her cloudy skies turn to sunshine and that she is a beautiful and special person. I wished her good luck with everything. I included a poem of Pablo Neruda (her fav. peot), titled "If You Forget Me". I also included 6 links to coping with abortion sites and told her that I love her and always have and always will and that she's never alone. That was late Sunday night (almost 4:00am). This morning at 8:00am I woke up and felt compelled to give her back her boots. The ones she said she doesn't care about. I picked up my cell phone and texted her saying: Hi, I would like to mail you your boots. I should have mailed you everything. What is your address? She replied IMMEDIATELY, giving me her home address. Strange how she said only 2 days earlier that she didn't want her boots?? Anyways, I replied by text, saying that I would insure the package and if she wasn't home, it would be sent to her post office and asked her if that's okay? She replied and said: Doesn't Matter. OKAY, so I thought to myself....HMMMMMM Dan, she isn't being appreciative at all. This is NOT the girl you know. Now, you can do one of three things. You can reply and demand some respect and be putting her down in the process. You could do NOTHING at all, or you could text her back and continue to be yourself and show her that her coldness is NOT going to affect you like it would have in the past. SO, I waited almost 2 hours (KNOWING she was expecting me to berate her immediately) and said: "Do you want your tupperware too?" She replied IMMEDIATELY saying one word: "NO". There was no thank you there. BUT, she then sent me a second text and said: "AND, you can keep the umbrella. I know you don't have one". What's this NOW??? She's actually being nice and sweet and considerate??? YUP. So, I text her back, saying but it makes me look like Mary Poppins. I got NO response to that. I didn't expect one. She is VERY closed now, BUT, then I sent her a second text and said: "Thanks. You know (insert name), I acted like a (part of the female anatomy) on Sunday. I just wanted to throw that out there." She replied immediately DEFENDING ME, saying, "No, you didn't. Stop putting yourself down. Goodbye Dan." So, this was a girl from 2 days ago who no longer wanted her boots, who is accepting them today and was throughtful, as well as defending me. It shows she still cares. Something else to consider. I did NOT show her that I was scared to contact her. I showed NO fear of her reaction. I did what I wanted to do, which was the right thing and she didn't have to think of me keeping an umbrella, because she knows I don't have one and then telling me that I didn't act like a $#$@ on Sunday and told me to STOP putting myself down. Instead of me having put her down, which I almost did when I didn't initially get the reaction, or respect I was hoping for, I ended up being hard on ME and she came to MY rescue in a matter of words. TIME does change things and my friends, this was only 2 days. I don't think I left SUCH a bad impression on her on Sunday after all. So, I send her her boots later in the week and I give her space. A LOT of it. I'm growing from this. Don't FEAR failure. If you FEAR failing, which I did on Sunday, you WILL lose. When you don't fear failing, you have a chance of winning. Dan