GoingForIt_77

Oh yes I am Melrich. Offering to mail her boots back is a NICE and THOUGHTFUL gesture. Again, she is a grown woman, who is NOT helpless. She can choose to ignore my contacts. So far, she hasn't. When you go in wanting nothing and only giving, they rarely do after all.

NO Carnelia, I have not done this to another girl. The girl Melrich is drudging up from the dead is a girl who did this to ME. She was abusive. She verbally and physically abused me for almost 3 years and I felt like I deserved it, so I kept trying to get her back. She had NO compassion. Heartless through and through. This current ex is the EXACT OPPOSITE of her. I just didn't feel that I deserved her because of my low self-esteem, so I pushed her away from me. I am only now remembering what makes me so great! . Joke...I think.

HEY, I did NOT violate her today. She had the free will NOT to respond. It takes 2 to tango. Do not forget that. I did not use any manipulation at all. I was not arrogant, but then again, a bit of that is required, isn't it? That's what I've been lacking for a while.

No need to call her a poor girl Melrich. I am not a bad guy. I hurt her. YES. I know that. That old Dan did not go for help. This Dan has been for a year now and have tried hard to get rid of my skeletons and I have most of them. I preached something on here back in the day that did work, if done for the right reasons. This is a getting back together forum, remember? My ex asked me to stay away, because she wanted to be away from the Dan who pushed her away for months, because he was scared to get close to her. Why was he scared to get close to her? Well, in many ways, it was that other ex who played with and messed me up. She abused me EVERY single day. Verbally and physically. When I said that I have humbled out, well I have, but there are still scars there and I am working on them and by doing what I did today, well, there is NOTHING wrong with it. If it were wrong, she would have told me, or better yet, she wouldn't have replied. She didn't want to go away. She loved me when she left me. Last Monday night (our 5 hour conversation), she was crying and telling me how much she still loved me. She was conflicted and confused. In many ways, I took away her confusion this past Sunday, all because I got emotional, thinking only of me. Today, I just did, without emotions. I did what I did and I will not question that. BTW Melrich, I helped MANY people on this site back in the day. I had 100's of people PM me on a weekly basis asking for guidance. I have the fundamentals, but lose focus and stop believing in myself. THAT is the issue.

I am still fundamentally the same person as I just explained in my previous post, but I have lost a lot of what made Danimal, Danimal. Today I am Dan. I am a calmer guy who cares a lot more about people and who has seen a lot and has learned, which is what kills me that I KNOW exactly WHAT I did wrong with my now ex, who was FAR better than the one who originally brought me to this website way back in the fall of 2002. She was a @!$. This ex is a VERY special person.

Melrich, I want to add that THAT Dan from way back then was a MASTER manipulator who did things I am NOT proud of today. I would never do those types of things today. While it may seem like a similar situation, it really isn't. BEEC can vouch for that. I have come a long way since then. I have humbled out. I have matured, but looking back at my old posts from early 2004 until the end of 2005 I know that I lost some of that boldness, which I am trying to incorporate into my new repertoire. I was grown to weak and feable over the years. I was more daring back then. I like that part of me, without the manipulation. Nothing of what I do today is a scheme of a plan. I am A LOT more honest. Probably TOO honest with my feelings, which is what got me in trouble with her on Sunday. Remember, I was the guy who preached ALOOFNESS, INDIFFERENCE, VAGUENESS, AMBIGUITY, MYSTERY, etc.... I forgot how vital all of that is. No one wants you to poor out your feelings onto them when they are confused.

These are NOT the kind of boots you would where outside...lol . How nice of her to tell me to keep the umbrella and telling me because she knows I don't have one. What happens when it rains Carnelia . Seriously though, the BOOTS are irrelevant. Focusing on the boots is missing the motivation behind why and HOW I did what I did today.

Be Strong, I would be a FOOL to think that she wants me back. That is NOT how feelings work. That is NOT how attraction works. I am NOT the passive type and never have been. I can get anything I want in this world. I cannot make anyone think differently, BUT, when IF you want someone to feel something different, you must show them something different. That is what I did today. Today, I did what DAN wanted to do and she knew that. I showed her that I was NOT scared of her. On Sunday I lowered myself and put myself beneath her in SO many ways. I put her on such a pedastel. THAT was the problem. Melrich, yes mate, I am not the same man as that other guy from back then. That ex and I are friends today. She is married and she KNOWS that I am different. She tells me that all the time. I have NOT fully ironed out all my flaws. I have been getting better, but all that was wrong with me was my lack of belief in my own potential and abilities and having needed validation and reassurance from others and being SO dependent on that. It's times like these that I remind myself that I am my own man and THAT is who my ex was drawn to. It's about learning to SUSTAIN that and NOT fear it going away, because when you fear that, it DOES go away and so does everything else around you. FACT.

Yeah, "Goodbye Dan" was a FUN response. She would have LOVED for me to have responded to that. HUGE test to see if I would have. Guess what? I didn't! Nothing is as final as many of you think. Of course she would push away the old Dan. Things aren't only on her terms. Not even close. She wanted me to cross the line when she said Goodbye Dan, which was preceeded by her having said, "No, you didn't act like a @#@# on Sunday. Stop putting yourself down." She defends me and then she says Goodbye. Her goodbye was VERY dramatic. It was done for effect and partially because she felt it, but also because it was done to see how I would react. Would I fight it. Would I argue it, or would I ignore it? I chose the latter.

Snowed? Explain.

Can't win all of you and I'm not here to do so. Sorry you feel I'm delusional. I'm no more obsessed about my ex then ANY of the people on this forum are. TRUST me on that one. I am completely confident in what I did today. YES, it was about her boots, but like you said Carnelia, didn't she say she didn't care about her boots only 2 days ago? YES. Do you know why? BEcause that's how she felt at the MOMENT. Feelings are dynamic. People do things based on how you make them feel. On Sunday I made her want to run away and she told me that she was never going to reply to ANYTHING I ever put her way again. Did I believe that? NO. That is how she felt 2 days ago. Did she want to feel that way? At the time perhaps. Guys, it's not about staying away for a month or two. It's also not about trying to contact them on a daily basis. It's about being in control of OUR OWN actions and being confident, which draws people to us. If she didn't WANT to respond to me today, she wouldn't have. SHE DID. The same girl who said she didn't want something she seemed to want today. I know what I am doing.

LADY, your BANG ON!!!! I will take it a step further. BTW, Kate and I go back a LOOOONG ways on this site. She knows me under a different name. Kate, don't utter it out loud though . Okay Lady, here goes: YES, she is sending me MIXED signals in a way. WHY? Well, she is drawn to the Dan of today. NOT repelled like so many of you think. She was repelled by weak and insecure Dan of Sunday. Today was a far different Dan, who was motivated to contact her, without any fear, or seeking her APPROVAL. When I lead, she follows. We tend to follow those who are BOLD and courageous, because being bold is the LEAST selfish thing we can do. When you sit back and contemplate what others will think of what you do, they will know that you are thinking just of you and they sense your doubt. Today, I had NO doubt and she jumped at my contact. She pulled away from an insecure Dan. NOT a confident Dan. Today I went in, seeking NOTHING from her and it was my lack of caring what she thought and not NOT caring about her, but of what she THOUGHT. I just DID. It was NOT my heart that guided me today. It was NOT emotion. It was just me going on a gut feeling, which in all reality, wasn't wrong. You see folks. She said she didn't care about her boots on Sunday, after having left, because the Dan she was faced with was a guy who would have done ANYTHING for her and she didn't want that. In many ways, she wanted a Dan who would do anything for himself. That's who she got today.

She wasn't SCARED of me on Sunday. She was TURNED OFF. I cared TOO much of what she thought and she knew it. I sought out her approval. Today, I did what I wanted to do. It was bold and she followed and was even somewhat nice and pleasant. Again, no regrets with what I did today. Part of the reason I was insecure in the past, is because I doubted every single move I made and thought I had. Not the case today.

Ladies, don't you see?? Part of the reason she is staying away from me isn't because of her "fear". It's because she was "turned off". Today, I did what I wanted to do, not caring what her or anyone else thinks and guess what? I got a responsive girl. I didn't text her multiple times. We texted each other back and forth (2 sided, not one). I don't regret doing today what I did ONE bit. I didn't have to re-earn her trust first. It was her RESPECT that needed to be re-earned, before her trust. She respected my boldness today. She replied IMMEDIATELY to me. Was nice about the umbrella and told me NOT to put myself down. Things are under control over here. TRUST me on that one. By the way Kate, BEEC, agrees with me on this one 100%.

The whole issue when she left my place and I acted weak and followed up on it right away, was that I was thrown off with how uncomfortable she seemed and as a result of that, I did not even remember to give her everything she had left at my place, which included her leather boots, her umbrella and some tupperware. We know when she left, she left without these things. I in turn called her back right away letting her know to turn around. I called back twice more and sent a text (my having chased for the first time). This scared her and she panicked (as I was) and told me she needs space, as you all know. I didn't stop there. I called back and asked her to be mature and call me, which prompted her to tell me that she can't have me in her life. I pushed for that. She told me she didn't care about her boots. The conversation spiralled out of control. I got emotional and started crying for the first time and I did everything I said I wouldn't. It pushed her away even further, inevitably so. I didn't let it go. I persisted. I made her call me back later on and she did. I was WEAKER than she had EVER seen me. This was NOT the tough guy she dated. She saw and helpless baby she could no longer take care of. She asked me to let go. YES, I feared letting go of her. This is deeper than it appears. She must have felt SO responsible for my unhappiness and my depency on her, which is something I NEVER showed her during the relationship. She pulled away even more. She became desperate, asking me what I wanted from her? She really didn't know anymore. I wanted a second chance, but that is not what I said. She asked me WHY I am doing this? I for the first time started apologizing for having disappointed her and letting her down. She said I didn't. She started sensing how HARD I really was being on myself for the first time since she met me. Previously, I had been hard on HER, but now, I am hard only on myself since she left. I told her that I must sound like a freak. She said you're not a freak. She kept defending me. I think it hurt her to see me doing this to myself. I stopped and said goodbye. Later that night, I sent her an email letting her know that I hope her tears stop falling and that her cloudy skies turn to sunshine and that she is a beautiful and special person. I wished her good luck with everything. I included a poem of Pablo Neruda (her fav. peot), titled "If You Forget Me". I also included 6 links to coping with abortion sites and told her that I love her and always have and always will and that she's never alone. That was late Sunday night (almost 4:00am). This morning at 8:00am I woke up and felt compelled to give her back her boots. The ones she said she doesn't care about. I picked up my cell phone and texted her saying: Hi, I would like to mail you your boots. I should have mailed you everything. What is your address? She replied IMMEDIATELY, giving me her home address. Strange how she said only 2 days earlier that she didn't want her boots?? Anyways, I replied by text, saying that I would insure the package and if she wasn't home, it would be sent to her post office and asked her if that's okay? She replied and said: Doesn't Matter. OKAY, so I thought to myself....HMMMMMM Dan, she isn't being appreciative at all. This is NOT the girl you know. Now, you can do one of three things. You can reply and demand some respect and be putting her down in the process. You could do NOTHING at all, or you could text her back and continue to be yourself and show her that her coldness is NOT going to affect you like it would have in the past. SO, I waited almost 2 hours (KNOWING she was expecting me to berate her immediately) and said: "Do you want your tupperware too?" She replied IMMEDIATELY saying one word: "NO". There was no thank you there. BUT, she then sent me a second text and said: "AND, you can keep the umbrella. I know you don't have one". What's this NOW??? She's actually being nice and sweet and considerate??? YUP. So, I text her back, saying but it makes me look like Mary Poppins. I got NO response to that. I didn't expect one. She is VERY closed now, BUT, then I sent her a second text and said: "Thanks. You know (insert name), I acted like a (part of the female anatomy) on Sunday. I just wanted to throw that out there." She replied immediately DEFENDING ME, saying, "No, you didn't. Stop putting yourself down. Goodbye Dan." So, this was a girl from 2 days ago who no longer wanted her boots, who is accepting them today and was throughtful, as well as defending me. It shows she still cares. Something else to consider. I did NOT show her that I was scared to contact her. I showed NO fear of her reaction. I did what I wanted to do, which was the right thing and she didn't have to think of me keeping an umbrella, because she knows I don't have one and then telling me that I didn't act like a $#$@ on Sunday and told me to STOP putting myself down. Instead of me having put her down, which I almost did when I didn't initially get the reaction, or respect I was hoping for, I ended up being hard on ME and she came to MY rescue in a matter of words. TIME does change things and my friends, this was only 2 days. I don't think I left SUCH a bad impression on her on Sunday after all. So, I send her her boots later in the week and I give her space. A LOT of it. I'm growing from this. Don't FEAR failure. If you FEAR failing, which I did on Sunday, you WILL lose. When you don't fear failing, you have a chance of winning. Dan

I do believe that she will try and bury this, along with the abortion and try and write them both off as a bad experience in her lifetime. I know though that I am more than that and that WE were more than a bad experience. I wonder if someone tries really hard to not allow themselves to forget the bad, that they never do? At what point, if ever, does the good memories and more so the sincere effort I put into this in the month after she left me, get remembered and sink in? I ask these questions because I dealt with a much different woman last week than I did this past Sunday. I don't believe it was just her having seen my face and been in my physical presense that did NOT allow her to SEE and FEEL the change in me, eveb though she admitted that she did. I know her support system (especially her gf who took her to have the abortion and took her out this entire past weekend, was also the one who drove her to my place). I didn't really have a winning chance on Sunday. I lost before I was able to even open my sincere, remorseful and loving mouth. The truth will eventually sink in I'm hoping. How many people would admit to not only the partner who left them, but to themselves as well that they have a problem and know what they did was wrong and they feel the pain that they inflicted on them on a daily basis and are going for intense therapy? How many care that much? I DO. Why can she not see that? Why does it not make a difference to her? I know. I know. I know. She is scared. She knows that even know she understands WHY I did what I did (me being weak, scared, lost, out of control), she also knows that NOTHING justifies my actions. She says that time will not make this better. I can't change her way of thinking. I know from my experience that time changes a lot. I have people who have wronged me who have NEVER once apologized and admit to having NO regret. Would I ever talk to a person like that? NO. I am not that type of person. She doesn't seem to care? Is that fair to me? YES. For now it is. Will it always be? I don't think so. It truthfully is easier for her to walk away knowing I wronged her and not see me for who and where I am today. I don't expect her too. Even her best gf will hurt her at some point. I am not perfect and now more than ever admit that. I know what I have to work on and AM working on it. She was right to have left me and I don't blame any of her actions as of late. It's all just a byproduct of how I treated her, along with her having a very strong support system. I see things much more clearly now. I do know that I did ALL I could do NOW. She knows she did ALL that she could do THEN. What will happen in the future? I don't know.

Thanks for the tip Lady Bugg!

Melrich, Yeah, I'm starting over from NC Day 1 in a way. Funny, it was not I who broke it persay, but I don't look at it that way. One week ago tonight, her and I were having a long and loving conversation and what a difference a week makes. Should she have known that it was just too soon to have physically seen each other? I should have known and said NO. She would have respected that probably a lot more. I want to thank you and Ang and some others who do acknowledge the effort I have put into it since the break-up. I really did try hard to in many ways, make it up to her. I have been trying hard to change. YES, I was VERY weak with her last night. Talking with her for a week and it going well and then seeing her and realizing she was cold and then backed off again, in many ways did toy with my feelings. I am not blaming her, but she really can't blame me either. She will look back on these last few weeks and see that I really am a nice guy, who tried to take her pain away. She can't hold that one day (yesterday) where I lost control of my emotions and told her how I felt, against me. TIME, WILL make things better. I am confident about that. NC is the only way to go. She needs to think of things without ANY reminders of me.

Melrich mate, I have stopped. It was her having gone back to saying she needed space because she was confused and when I chased her she put on the breaks changed the locks on the passenger side door. Again, it was a confusing day for me yesterday. On one hand, I had a girl who had become more and more friendly with me from Sunday onwards (4 contacts) and wanting to come to my place, after I gave her the option of having her things mailed to her. It hurt, because part of me felt that my feelings were not fully taken into account yesterday and knowing I had done nothing wrong persay and then being told she needs space again, which I understand, because she clearly wasn't ready to see me either. She thought she was, but she wasn't. Anyways, I pushed her last night. I chased. I acted weak and for the first time I actually sounded and acted desperate. That's all she needed to finalize a decision I had made for her. She has an impression of me. For her, right now, the bad outweighs the good. She cannot see, or remember the good, because I am still around. Removing myself from her life is the only chance I have of being able to have any type of relationship/friendship with her. She needs to experience things without me. She needs to possibly even date and know that people DO make mistakes. By me constantly apologizing for somethint I can NEVER take back is NOT helping. By me respecting her now, WILL.

I have no intention of stalking her. Why does everyone think the worst of me (or just some on here...not all)? Yesterday was an emotional day. I was giving her what she wanted since the breakup, which was not to cut me out of her life completely. YES, she could not be with me in a relationship, now or ever for that matter, but what she asked for was space. I gave her space. As a result of that, she was open to communication, and we had that last week and up until Sunday. Yesterday was an emotional day (after she left). It left me confused, seeing how receptive she was on Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday and for the first time since the breakup, I chased her. It ended last night. She will not have a reason to call the police on me. She will not have to live in fear that I will be hounding her every move. I gave her space for a reason after the breakup. She needed to be able to breathe and not be reminded by the source of her hurt and pain (ME). In many ways, I see this as being the same, but the only difference is, 1-2 weeks of NC was enough for her (not in seeing me in person clearly), but now, I feel that a lot longer is required. She has a lot of pain to heal and I know that I am too damn emotional (focusing too much on the relationship and how weak I've become) to even have any right to be in contact with her today. Her feelings, or more so her fear and hurt may go away in time. I do have to give her a chance to heal. I am not making any promises that I wouldn't say contact her in a couple of months to check in. It would be her perogative at that point to reciprocate or not. One thing I will not do, is impose myself on her and especially not now. Yesterday she went from WANTING to see me, to she needs SPACE, to I can't be in your life anymore. What did I do for that to happen? I pushed, pushed and pushed. Now, I have to step back and prove to her that I can be strong for the both of us and give her all the space in the world.

I NEVER beat her up. I never once put my hands on her. NOT ONCE. I raised my voice more and more as the relationship progressed. I never yelled with anyone else before her, but with her I did. I was very sensitive to little things and would question your sincerity, her love, her loyalty. I didn't let in her love when she wanted and needed me to. I was hard to reach (emotionally). I became a bit controlling and jealous. I had up a wall, that with time came down, but when it came down, so did a flood of other emotions that had not been dealt with. Mostly my fears of rejection. She was able to see past it, even though it hurt and scared her. I knew that I was losing control of myself and I was desperately trying to restrain myself and NOT do to her what I promised no one would ever do to her again (her family). It built up in her until she had to leave me, while in tears, saying it hurt SO much, because she loved me with all her heart. She was torn, because on one end I was the way I just described, but on the other end, I told her never to take crap from anyone and to put herself number one at all times. I encouraged her to get a new job. I helped her build a better relationship with her family, by her demanding their respect. At the end, her love for me was overshadowed by the hurt and the fear of getting hurt again and she began to realize that deserved to be treated well all the time and she did and DOES. In the last 26 days post breakup, I completely lost that other side of me. I showed her patience, understanding, remorse, respect, kindness and she slowly started allowing me back in last week, until yesterday that is.

Actually, I did mention it in my previous post, which is trailing behind this one. Initially when she found out, she was probably riddled with pain and grief. My having given her space, which she really did appreciate, allowed her to feel comfortable and safe enough to see the love behind it and want to talk to me and all last week, we did. We bonded on Monday night, without talking about getting back together. Thursday night, she was almost excited to hear from me (actually picking up the phone on the 2nd ring). She replied to my Saturday's text, telling her I hope she had fun that night, wishing me the same and including a smiley face (I was on cloud nine). Then came Sunday (yesterday). She seemed different when she came over. She was really looking at my actions and I could tell that she didn't want to get serious, or talk about ANYTHING (abortion included). She was rushed to put her things in a bag and LEAVE. This confused me, based on our previous conversations. She left and later on when she replied to my calls/emails, she said she needed space (as she did only 5 days after the breakup, of which I gave her) and I didn't accept that called her more than once (using a bit of manipulation). I forced her to confront me and what she was running away from (her feelings) and she BAILED, as she did the day she broke up with me. She took it to the next level and said she can't have me in her life and she can't be there for me and asked me to allow her to let me go, meaning she couldn't do it on her own. As to what she's going through now, I don't really know. I know this cannot be easy on her. I could have respected her request for space, but it was also her way of running away from something I wanted her to face (felt she needed to) and in turn, she made me have to face and accept what she then told me.

What do you mean by there's a lot more to this than I am sharing on here? Ask away and I'll share.

Yes, it was mine. She had been nautious for sometime before we broke up. She had made a doctor's appointment, which she went to 2 days after she left me. She found out that day that she was 8 weeks pregnant. She did not tell me and decided to abort it. 2.5 weeks later when we finally spoke for the first time (a week ago today), she told me about it.

Lady, I firmly know that it WAS too soon to see each other. I gave her the option several times for me to mail her her stuff. She wanted to come by and seeing we had 2 great conversations on the phone and even texted each other the day before.....well... I'll have you know that when she left, she didn't immediately say no more contact. When she texted me later on she said she needed space (again), which was obvious, but unlike my behavior from the previous month, I chose to push the issue and not back off immediately (failing a test of sorts)... By me having pushed and maybe subconsciously she wanted me to push her, this forced her to do something she may not have wanted to do, which was say that it's over completely (no more communication at all). As much as this has been a very difficult time for her this past month, it has been very hard on me as well. In many ways, I put my feelings on the back burner, so that I could tend to hers and when she told me that she needed space again, I really didn't feel like I could go through that "limbo" all over again and so, I cornered her and pushed her into telling me what she did, as I did when she broke up with me 26 days ago. She made it FINAL yesterday. I don't know if she realizes it. I don't know if that's what she really wanted deep down. Is she expecting me to continue to pursue her now? Probably. Her entire support system are against her coming back to me now. Her cell rang twice when she was at my place (twice in less than 3 minutes). Having chased her last night, was me forcing her to do something she may have needed to do and may not have had the strength to do. It's not something I wanted her to do, but I do know that when someone is pulling away, a push will make them go away even more and in this case, completely. Is this irreversible? For now, it's not an option.