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  1. Thanks all. Would he stay with my friend’s daughter? Yes, but in the beginning he probably would be trying to rip open the door to my bedroom and stuff. When I am in the shower and such, no he doesn’t melt down. He is at the point where he keeps himself busy. I found out something awesome today at work - our museum got a very large grant. We will be seeing a (small) raise in 45 days, and apparently something I didn’t know is I can utilize the childcare even when I am not there. It’s part of the museum 90 day perk package for employees (im about to get my review in 2 weeks). You get a reciprocal membership, standard 90 day raise(this is separate from the raise coming from the grant) and access to childcare during museum hours as long as you are scheduled for at least 15 hours of the week that week(I always am). So this is really cool. The raise is not as big of a deal to me as the childcare. We can also watch remotely from our phones. So…I think picking up some flex gig or another PTJ is the way to go. Thanks again everyone.
    9 points
  2. I agree with your sister. I don't think you beer comments had anything to do with it. He wanted sex. That's it, really. I am not sure why you think you did something wrong. He just wasn't into this for the same reasons you were. As such, there is really nothing to say to him. His distance tells you what you need to know, unfortuantely. I would let it fizzle and not hook up with him again.
    8 points
  3. Today we got our RHU offer and I got everything I wanted . 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and central air and a recent renovation ( 2017). Only $100 more a month than we pay here. We move first week of September. Sad I closed my daycare early but it will give me a summer off.
    8 points
  4. He's getting something of value from someone who is a high risk to his romantic relationship--doesn't care that he's risking a breakup with you. If she was a true friend, she would be a champion of your relationship unless you're a toxic person, which I assume you're not. He hid the truth from you so you would accept their "friendship." If he was a person of integrity, the moment she said she was interested in a relationship with him, in addition to showing jealousy on social media, he should've told her they could no longer be friends because it isn't healthy for his primary relationship. If you stay, you clearly possess very low self-worth. There are single guys with good ethics who would make decent partners. Free yourself so you can meet one of them.
    8 points
  5. Good for you for asking a girl out finally! That's a great positive step. So, she didn't reject you. She just had liked you for a long time, realized you didn't like her back and chose to be realistic and go out with someone else. You seem to tend to try for girls you think like you even if you're not particularly interested, I guess to "up" your chances. But you wait too long, months go by and no girl is going to wait that long for you when you show zero interest in her. So next time you like someone, ask her out. Don't wait months and months. And it's ok if someone says no thank you. We have all had that happen and survived.
    7 points
  6. I had someone who was a close friend try to get me fired. She was trying to be best friends with our supervisor so she thought she'd get kudos for tattling on me. Problem was, I didn't do what she'd claimed I'd done and I was able to prove it. I reacted by working my butt off. I performed over and above what was required. This resulted in me getting promoted. The ex friend? She got promoted too...2 1/2 years after I did. It's not easy when someone has it in for you. But it seems you are a valued employee. Try to let the petty BS roll off you and just go in there and kick butt. This job with it's accompanying child care benefit is way too good for you to leave it over an unprofessional buffoon.
    7 points
  7. I think this guy is looking to "punish" someone for all the past pain. So he chose this moment to punish you and cast you out of his life, because it doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his ex cheating on him. Should you have been honest about being out of work? Sure. But is he over-reacintg? Yes, without any question. Major projection going on there. He's showing you that he is rigid and lacks any empathy. His stance towards you is punitive and I would not be sad to lose someone like this. Notice how he made this all about him and his feelings? Never asked how you were coping with unemployment? Never tried to meet you halfway on this? Made you feel bad for cutting loose and having a good time with a few drinks? He sounds controlling, honestly. Toodles, dude. He's not the great catch you think he is.
    7 points
  8. This worry you have will only increase as the marriage goes on. He has shown some pretty disrespectful behavior towards you and you have only been dating a short time. Once married and he knows he has you locked down it will get worse. It sounds like he subtly puts you down so you will be weak and he can control how you view things and his behavior. This is not good. How many relationships have you been in before this one? Do you feel like he is the best you can do? Do you feel like you are running out of time to get married? Lost
    7 points
  9. It's a valid concern. Loving someone and feeling a deep connection to them is great, but there's much, much more to a relationship than that. All of those warm, fuzzy feelings will disappear after a couple of years of you pulling all of the weight in this relationship. You're already mothering him about his career choice, and about going to college. Save that for your children, if you choose to have them. A relationship is a partnership, not a parent-child dynamic. Yes, you will need to support one another sometimes, but what you have here is not 'sometimes.' You have a person who plans poorly and makes bad decisions.
    7 points
  10. Thank you everyone. My husband went down last night to be with his mom. Hopefully he can get in to see his dad today. He lived a long life, almost 89. He lived a mostly good life and was happy. This will be a release for him. He was such a strong independent man all his life to be trapped in a failing mind and body would have been torture for him. My husband and mother in law see it as a mercy for him.
    7 points
  11. Dude, you are asking her to move in with you. You are actively looking to build toward marriage and kids and a future together and are supporting that with actions. Meanwhile, she is accusing you of being just pals and just in it because you are lonely and bored. Does that make any sense to you? Looking in from the outside and without a pony in this race, this woman seems to have some very serious psychological/emotional issues. Nothing that you can fix or help her with and something that, I'm afraid, you are rather oblivious to and dangerously so. This is not a relationship you cling to or the kind of a woman you choose to have a family with. This is the kind of a person where you pay attention to the red flags slapping you in the face and walk away from....or rather run for the hills as fast as you can. In your own way, you seem stubbornly...and rather ironically, given her accusations....fixated on the future you want which is marriage and kids....but really, you need to step back and think who it is you want that with. This woman has some serious issues. Think about it....she is 37 years old, but her mother has this much influence and say in her life and relationships that the fact you weren't pawing her ends the relationship? Does that sound sane to you? Hint: looking from the outside it is nuts.
    6 points
  12. Do you really want to be with someone that can go ten days without talking to you? you're both kind of leaving it up to the other person to take charge. Maybe she wants you to chase her or follow her. But you're OK giving her space and think that is the way to handle it. basically a stalemate. right? You've got to have better communication than this. Are you holding back? is it her? in your shoes I would be very confused by this and end it. You're taking marriage, family, kids, relocating and she's concerned you didn't seen affectionate in front of her family? what? Petty stuff like valuing perceptions over real things like how connected you are, how much you're on the same page etc is very immature and makes me wonder- are you dodging a bullet? because this isn't love and commitment. this is hoop jumping bs
    6 points
  13. Couple of things I thought of while reading your post. Why don't you know your feelings are valid? Honest question. You should not need the validation of others or even your partner for YOUR feelings and what YOU think are acceptable behaviors. Also, in your shoes I would not mistake a long relationship as the same as a good relationship. I would evaluate what has been actually happening and why things lasted 9 years... are your needs being met or are you just going along because you're afraid to rock the boat? You guys share an account... he has no problem flirting, asking for dates, inviting other women to guys' weekends... and you are right there reading it. Good Lord. I would kick this guy to the curb so fast. There is no way I would allow myself to be embarrassed and disrespected, especially in full view as if no big deal. Let this player go play... and find yourself a true partner.
    6 points
  14. If a man treats you right, you would not feel this way, you’d feel loved and cherished. if you tell a man that loves you that his actions feel inappropriate, he apologizes and makes changes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong for feeing how you feel. That’s gaslighting. I would let this guy go. He doesn’t seem to be healthy committed relationship material.
    6 points
  15. So I have something of an unexpected update: Ya’ll remember that one girl whom I was upset with because she didn’t invite me to her birthday party? Well today at work, she invited me to go bowling with her and her group of friends. (the ones I mentioned in this post) Apparently they all go bowling every Tuesday night and go out to eat afterwards. She just invited me out of the blue to join them tonight and I definitely took her up on that offer.
    6 points
  16. Because nobody ever says that. He probably wants to keep the door open for more sex in the future. I don't think you pissed him off. Because he's not sure if he wants to do this again. OP, all of this is fairly par-for-the-course with a guy who wants sex but not much else. He doesn't want to cut you off totally (in case he wants to have some fun again), but he isn't making any specific plans with you either (in case he doesn't feel like hitting you again again) This is a man who will keep you as an option if you let him, but he isn't making you a priority. I would simply caution against letting a man you've never met into your house the first time you meet him. You have no clue who you're opening the door to, and bad things sometimes happen. Nothing wrong with casual sex if you're game, but please do be more careful with how you go about it. Your safety isn't worth it.
    6 points
  17. Who did he say he is on vacation with? Or did he say it's a solo trip? You were gone 3 weeks and he'll be gone a week, so how many times have you seen each other in person--3 or 4 times? Sometimes comments like loving you and wanting to marry you this early on means he wants to find a speedy way to get a naive woman in bed. Don't know if you've been intimate or not yet, but something to be aware of. For one thing, nobody like dishonesty. But you shouldn't bring emotional baggage from your past to ruin new relationships. Take each new relationship as a separate entity, observing and analyzing each partnership as any emotionally healthy person would and should. There's a possibility he's with a woman and a possibility he's not. You can either assume he is and dump him now, or keep dating him with a wait-and-see attitude. But if you haven't slept with him yet, I'd hold off on that until you feel confident he's good partner material.
    6 points
  18. He didn't expect you to have self respect. What he was hoping for is that you'll have a total breakdown without his greatness, go begging for him to come back and he'll deign to bang you once in a awhile out of pity while he pursues others and you stroke his ego. What can I say....you didn't lose anything worthwhile here. Bullet dodged. Now tell him to eff off and never contact you again. What a loser he is.
    6 points
  19. OP, the lesson getting lost in the dust here is that you should have listened to your very own instincts early on when you felt that the way he was coming onto you was scary. You were right and you should have run for the hills. Yes, he was love bombing you and then he flipped and became punitive and abusive. Your own feelings of insecurity and guilt lead you into begging, pleading and apologizing for what exactly? Being human? He dragged out the break up because he enjoyed seeing you down on your knees so to speak. Quite a sick power trip for him. You didn't lose a good guy, you dodged a major bullet. Next time, listen to your gut early on and walk away fast from these types. Just to put things in perspective for you. A normal decent guy would have talked to you about getting drunk the first time and address it politely if he has an issue with that. A two way conversation where he would express his views and discomfort AND listen to you and your views and reasons as well. If he still decided that this is not going to work for him, then he'd tell you and end things politely. He would not pout, act out, guilt trip you, punish you, etc., etc., etc. What this guy did and the way he behaved is the definition of toxic psycho. Instead of continuing to blame yourself, learn from this because this is exactly the sort of person you should avoid like the plague. On a side note, self improvement is good, but be careful about placing blame on yourself for other people's lack of character.
    6 points
  20. So this is the guy who goes to clubs with his female friends and never invites you to go along? Yeah, he hasn't respected you or the relationship for a long while. I would opt out of this one.
    6 points
  21. Please do not "confess" what you did. You could possibly do irreparable harm to him emotionally (like your ex did to you). This is his first relationship and first sexual experience. Think about how devastating it will be for him. Please do not be selfish and think "Well, I want to keep seeing him!!!" It's important to think about how your actions affect others.
    6 points
  22. Sorry this is happening. He is lying to you and that in itself is reason to end it. Another reason is that this situationship he lied about, is causing headaches and heartaches men with integrity would not cause you. He's getting off on this catfight at your expense. He doesn't care about your feelings or respect you. There are so many red flags here, that it's better to cut your losses. He keeps this poisonous snake around for a reason. Think about that.
    6 points
  23. I do not subscribe to the theory that allows, excuses and normalizes tasteless, sexist and gross behavior by men, as simply boys being boys. Shame on him for making you question what you know in your gut is not what you want from a partner and man. I would dump this guy so fast. There is no way I would tolerate this. NO. WAY. Raise your standards... let this boy be a boy by himself.
    6 points
  24. Sorry to say this, but you both sound "needy". He went quiet because he didnt felt appreciated, you got mad because he didnt text you for a day or constantly like he used to so you thought he doesnt like you anymore etc. Having somebody that you will hear from every day is great. Its what couples do. But what you described is extreme. Like if you both just need validation from other side and when you dont get it you both get mad. Its not really healthy in the long run because after a while(when initial passion fades away) it becomes tiresome for one side or both. And you crash and burn like it happened here. Leave it be for now, if he wanted to answer he would found a way.
    6 points
  25. A small dog cannot jump slowly onto a couch. They need to get some speed up to make it up there and yes, he probably doesn't see what he is jumping on top of that's already on the couch. One way to retrain that is get a step ladder or a ramp so he can walk up slowly and see where he is going. Show him a couple of times how to use that, BUT do not use any kind of excitement. Be very very calm and quiet. He shouldn't associate going on the couch with excitement, but rather with relaxation. Second thing is never drag the dog away from something and into "his place". His place or doggy bed should be a place of reward and pleasure and never associated with punishment for being bad about something. So if he jumps on the couch uninvited, a firm no, place him on the ground and then ask him to do something for you like a sit or a down, give him a reward for it - treat or praise. Associate being off the couch as a positive. Finally, terriers are super high energy dogs that need a ton of exercise. So be sure that you give him a chance every single day to expend that energy outside by actively playing with him and exercising him properly. A happy dog is a tired dog. An unhappy dog with too much energy to burn will run, tear things, and ultimately hurt himself as well as others around him. Terriers are also working dogs - meaning training is critical to his mental health - so sit, heel, down, do tricks, go fetch things, anything to stimulate his mind is just as important as physical exercise itself. Working with a local trainer might be a good idea rather diy off the internet.
    5 points
  26. Good grief, it's shocking to read how much abuse you are putting up with and for what? Do you not understand that his accusations, making you feel terrible about yourself, telling you that you smell is all pure abuse. He is saying these things because he knows it will hurt you and affect you and he likes it. He is sadistic! Why do you put up with abuse and think that's love? Please remove him from your life with extreme prejudice and never ever speak to him again no matter what bs he pulls on you trying to reach you. What he does is not love or caring, it's sadistic control games. Block, delete from everything. If he shows up on your doorstep demanding attention, don't open the door, call the cops. Never ever speak to him again. Never. Also, please find a good therapist who actually specializes in dealing with victims of narcissistic abuse and get help for yourself. In some part, you have a very unhealthy understanding of how relationships should be and what love looks like and that needs to be fixed. In other ways, this psycho creep did a lot of damage to you and that also needs fixing and healing. Please do not date until you get yourself sorted out and know right from wrong again so you don't fall into another abusive relationship.
    5 points
  27. Be patient and let management go through the process. This person sounds like she is on a power trip and is vindictive so they will need to go by the book no matter what they do. It starts off with simple discussions and de-escalation if possible, reminders of workplace rules, job descriptions and duties and authority level. If rules were broken or bent it depends on how serious but this could come down to a talking to with a verbal warning on employee interaction, treating others with respect and conflict resolution. Don't be surprised if you are spoken to as well. Let them say their piece even if it seems like you are getting a talking to as well. I don't know how many times I got called upstairs and just stood there while one of my bosses tried to dress me down. I would say "Okay, is that all you wanted to talk to me about" I don't care how wrong they were I would just walk away letting them think they had told me what for. The next time you have an issue like this here is some advice that works great on upper management. Say this happens again so instead of making it official by reporting it go to a boss and ask them for "Advice" on a problem you are having at work. Then tell them a coworker(don't use the persons name) did this or that to you and you need to know how best to handle it the next time it happens. They love this stuff and now they are on the look out for this "coworker" that is acting that way. It makes it more of a big deal because you are taking the high road and not officially reporting it but you are trying to resolve it with their help. Usually they have heard things and will know who it is and start adding things to their list about them. Then when the crap hits the fan she is already looked on as trouble. Unfortunately this crap happens all the time so learning to navigate and steer your bosses is a valuable skill to have. Lost
    5 points
  28. It is time to end this friendship, it is going to screw up your new life. Unless you have children together there is zero reason to keep in touch. Ask yourself what she’s adding to your life. If the answer is nothing then why are you bothering? just because she wants to be friends doesn’t mean you have to especially if she’s negative and resentful. Say goodbye and have it be over.
    5 points
  29. Same happened to me... once I suggested a book and the moderator called me weird in a private email and accused me of trying to promote a book. Another time I shared a dream I had and the moderator accused me of "trolling".. Not very cool I must say...Now I'll get banned again
    5 points
  30. OP, I implore you to come back and write your perspective when a decade has pass, and the decade after that, and so on. It's strange because I once read this online when I was 20 and I couldn't relate but now I Can! Sharing with everyone reading this: A Geography Of A Woman Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well-developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages; only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. The Geography Of A Man Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts. *Sidenote - I disagree with last sentence LOL I'm sure it's a joke.
    5 points
  31. Sounds like you did okay with nights before your son but the fact that he would be home with you while you're trying to sleep. IMHO, it's not a good idea. Cat naps are not enough, and if he's having some behavioral problems/ADHD symptoms, even if he's having a "good day", he could still keep you up for hours on end. Then what? I get that the full time job pays a lot more but if you are using $$$ to get someone to watch him during the day so you can sleep, well, that adds up and given the extra stress/toll on you (from not seeing your boy or your partner as much), it may not be worth the extra money, especially once you factor in the babysitting costs. If your son was in school, even for part or the day, I'd say yeah, go for it. But right now, it doesn't seem like a good day. I really worry you'll get super sleep deprived. I've known coworkers who have had to this setup (kids at home during day, cat naps only) and it does not end well and it usually doesn't last long. I think it would be torture for even a few months, let alone a YEAR. It sounds like you love your current job. Yes, it's PT and doesn't pay much but you like it and they have childcare for M, which is great. Given the worker shortage (well, kind of worker shortage, more like "shortage of workers who are willing to accept slave wages for total fidelity to an employer"), you may be able to find a part time gig elsewhere. Or even not part time, look into maybe "per diem" places, where you're not guaranteed hours but you can pick up some shifts and schedule things ahead of time. If I didn't have to work full time (need my benefits right now), I'd probably go the "per diem" route. It leaves you flexible, you usually get paid a bit more (since the place doesn't have to pay into benefits for you) and you can continue to look for another job in the meantime. Just my $0.02. I hope it all works out.
    5 points
  32. Tbf I thought this was a joke I post. you chose to date her and probably fell for her looks whilst wearing these clothes, you can’t expect her to change now you have her. She is not your possession in which you can tell her how to act, dress or think now that she is in a relationship with you. She is her own person an should remain so doing what she wants to do and living how she sees fit. I think if you did give her your little speech it is more likely to highlight a bunch of red flags in her that may well Make her dump you faster than diahorrea if she has an sense. also by ending it with the fact you know she will be your wife because you love her so much sounds creepy, manipulative and ver possessive. I suggest that you look upon yourself and your own insecurities as to why you would need to tell your partner how to dress especially when she has never cheated before. If you can’t trust your partner you should not be with her. It’s not only detrimental For your own mental Health but hers as well.
    5 points
  33. I say just leave her alone, and date other women. If she ever does move to your area, then make a move. this is not the time to invest your time or your feelings.
    5 points
  34. I think you're really sharp for recognizing that you got caught in this situation. Bottom line is, if you felt pressured, you felt pressured. You are the only person who can tell you how you feel. And you are the last line of defense where honoring and protecting your feelings is concerned. So, listen to your feelings! You've come up with a great list of phrases, but you'll never identify all of the possible things that someone can say or do to manipulate you. Every person is unique and therefore every relationship is unique. The best thing you can do is learn to recognize behavior patterns. For example, someone who sexualizes you (or other people) in a disrespectful way and then laughs his ass off when you protest is a full-on douchebag to be avoided--no matter how charming or attractive he may be.
    5 points
  35. I think you just have to let it go, respect her wishes of not wanting anything right now, and probably not make the trip to go up to see her with how things changed.
    5 points
  36. I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions but can I also just say, it's actually very overwhelming when you're already in a bad emotional situation and you're getting completely different advice. The advice to either tell the truth or not tell are actually completely the opposite. Regarding just breaking up with him and saying it's just not working and basically giving no reasons for it in my opinion is not right. It's also not even telling the truth. I actually like him a lot and I wanted to keep dating him. So why would I say to him things along the lines of that I'm just not feeling it and I'm just not into him. When I AM into him. Doesn't exactly make sense. It's very true about the guilt and if I never said anything to him at all then the guilt would just continue to be there all the time. That's exactly what I was feeling ever since. Which is why I posted here. Anyway so my choice was to actually tell him the truth about it. By the way also everything I've written here was true, how the event happened. He would be most welcome to ask my friends if he needed to and they could confirm it. I told him about it and we talked about it. I'm not sure if he just didn't show his true shock or emotions but he basically said that if we were actually further into the relationship and said it's official he would be a lot more pissed off. He said because we're in early stages and we didn't exactly define what we are that basically he's letting it go just this time. Yes that is what he actually said. I don't lie here because there is no need to. Nobody knows who I actually am here and I'm actually not afraid or that defensive of receiving critical responses. I agree with everything everybody said regarding me getting help for my drinking and taking control of my life. I would like to point out though that I actually don't agree with comments along the lines of: "You have so much baggage and skeletons in your closet and issues that nobody in their right mind would date you". That's actually a very black and white statement. Every person has done bad things in their life or has/had issues. To not have that would mean you're a robot and not a human being. I'm sure anyone posting here can think of issues they've struggled with or not never positive things they've done. Nobody is only 100% good or only 100% bad. That's just not possible. For example, my best friend when she was in her early to mid 20's had a four year affair with a guy who had a girlfriend. She met him when he was on a break from his girlfriend and she dated him for a few months and fell madly in love with him. Then he ended it with her and went back to his girlfriend but he continued pursuing her and seeing her on the side for nearly four years. She was in a very bad place because she was basically obsessed and addicted to this guy. She's overall a wonderful person though. After that guy she met her husband and she's been with him for 14 years now and they have two kids. When she was in her mid 20's just because she had that affair was she then supposed to be on a lifelong blacklist and not allowed to have a relationship or children because of one thing she did? I think her husband knew about that affair but if she opened with "Hey I had an affair" when she met him like it's some scarlett letter she was wearing then yes maybe he wouldn't have wanted to date her. The reason why it looks like everything about me is bad is because I wouldn't be posting here about good things because I don't need to. Why would I be posting when everything is fine? I have a lot of good qualities about me too and I have lots of close friends. I have some best friends I've known for 20+ years. I've been working as a welfare worker with people with disabilities and mental health for eight years and I've also volunteered in those fields many times too. I don't deny my alcohol issues and certainly in the past at times they were more severe. I did have 1.5 years a decade ago where I drank 1- 2 bottles of wine basically every day and I didn't even have a job or anything and lived with my parents. I ended up doing a few detoxes and went to rehab and I managed to get my drinking a lot more under control. I finished my university degree and two community college qualifications also. I moved out of home and have been taking care of myself since. My current job I've been there five years and I don't drink at work. I don't think just because I've struggled with mental health and addiction issues that's the end of it for me and I'm just garbage. I don't actually think that about anyone myself either.
    5 points
  37. What would happen if you said, "Kind of like you would be embarrassed if I asked you in front of one of your friends, 'Are you still constipated?'" Kidding aside, it's not fun to tease if a person doesn't react how you'd expect. Stop reacting how you normally do. You could be serious and say, "I think you love me too much to ruin my day." Changing someone else's behavior usually means changing your own to get those results.
    5 points
  38. I know why you are afraid of dating this guy or getting close to anyone. It's because you have a lot of secrets/skeletons in your closet, and you know they would run for the hills. Would you date someone just like yourself baggage and all? Absolutely not. If someone did this to you, you know you would be gutted. This person will be very hurt, and how can you live with yourself, whether you tell him or not about everything. The guilt will always be there. So now you withheld from him your addiction/mental health issues, trauma issues, the army of treatments you are needing for years, and the fact you had a drunkin threesome/ no real self control. Take real good look in the mirror. There is no stability in your life. It's all day by day uncertainty. Treatment hasn't worked much at all because it takes you to put in full effort. You have been band-aiding it, just showing up to sessions, talking a little, and avoiding the pain and hurt. Once you break through that suppressed pain, revealing the raw emotions, then you truly can begin your journey to healing. I understand that AA has religious undertones. I went with my mother once to see it myself. It really has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with facing the truth about yourself. I feel you need to change your perception what what your addiction/self control issues truly are and discovering self truth. Start with getting rid of the people in your life that are the triggers. Give yourself a healthier enviroment to exist in.
    5 points
  39. No the man doesn't have to be the one going in for the first kiss. On a second date about a year ago I walked this woman to her car (we met for dinner) and I was talking to her about something and she just looked me in the eyes and said "shut up and kiss me" I smiled and followed my orders. It is hard to tell sometimes but if you are not sure on the first date then do as wiseman suggests and hold her hand and see how warm and inviting she is being. I have actually gone in for a warm hug after a date and after the hug the woman kisses me. When you are saying goodnight and she stands or sits really close that usually tells me she is receptive to a kiss. The slow lean in will surely let you know because she will see it coming and either a kiss happens or she gives you a hug and thanks you for the nice evening. The date isn't ruined if she wants you to kiss her and it doesn't happen as long as you showed interest throughout the date so she knows you like her. Relax and see how the date goes. You may not want to kiss her by the dates end anyways. There is no rule that says anyone has to kiss on the first or second date so be yourself, smile, ask questions about her and her life and listen and then ask follow up questions. You will be fine. Lost
    5 points
  40. Oh my goodness. I haven't read this whole thread but her telling her ex that she's dating someone else isn't something that should have to be negotiated. If she wanted to do it, she'd do it. She doesn't want to do it, probably because she's still playing footsies with the ex or at the very minimum loves the attention he gives her. I would've bid her good day a long time ago. This sounds like a bunch of nonsense.
    5 points
  41. He's not required to work in the career you picked out for him. He's capable of deciding for himself. Just because you would do it differently doesn't mean he's wrong. I never had a career but I've always worked. I didn't graduate from college either. I currently have a very good job. It pays decently and I like the work. Some might call me unambitious or unsuccessful but I disagree. I can tell you, if someone tried to instruct me on what job I should have I wouldn't react well. Bottom line, you want a career man with a degree. He does not want to be a career man with a degree. Therefore you two are incompatible. No one is wrong, you two are just not a fit.
    5 points
  42. Just to update everyone, I finally left. It was rough but I did it and it’s been more than two weeks of absolutely zero contact. I’m in therapy, I’m reading books, I’m trying to mature in my friendships and family relationships. Things are getting better, slowly but surely. I know the pain will come back but I’m handling it well. I want to thank all of you so much for giving me a safe space to discuss these things without judgment and for giving me your advice.
    5 points
  43. No, the more you talk against her relationship, the more you'll push her away from you and into his arms. I am speaking from life experience here. It's incredibly hard to see your bestie get involved in a toxic relationship. However, the more you push to make her see sense, the further you'll fracture your friendship and make it impossible for her to reach out to you even if she wants to or absolutely needs to eventually. The best that you can do is stand by. Be her friend and let her know that no matter what, you are there for her without judgment. I bit my tongue until it blead and the only thing I ever said to my friend was that if she ever needs help, she can call me any time and I will come get her, no comments, no questions asked. Otherwise I would just avoid talking about her relationship and pretty much would turn the topic to anything else. I didn't want to be her crutch and a place to vent so she can keep going back to the abuser and also because I really couldn't handle hearing about it. Eventually I did get that call and by then I was the only person left she could call. I'm glad I stuck it out and was there when she needed it and helped her get out. The problem with these kinds of toxic relationships is that she needs to see for herself that it's not working out and choose to leave. You can't make her and the more you talk, the more you'll just push her away. After she left her abuser, our friendship pretty much ended. Not by her, but rather by me. It took way too much out of me to stand by her like that. Again, I'm glad that I did, but I'd never want to do it again. It's draining to say the least. At some point you realize that your friend is also toxic in her own way and chose what she did for her own reasons and once you see that, you can't go back. I prefer healthy people around me.
    5 points
  44. She doesn't seem able to keep her anger and jealousy in check so be wary dating someone like this. Every issue is a big issue or blown out of proportion. She's angry because of people you've slept with in the past? If you lied don't do it again and move on. You'll have to make up your mind about whether you want to keep being abused verbally and emotionally for your past. Turn over a new leaf and end the relationship if it's too unhealthy.
    5 points
  45. I wouldn't think twice about sending this clown packing. He'll likely go on to find better ways to cover his tracks, as this is often the case. Having said that, are you up for having this dark cloud hanging over your head while walking on eggshells, playing the role of a PI, putting him on a leash, etc? All in all, I'd ask myself if this is worth my time and energy.
    5 points
  46. Nothing in your life changes until you change it.
    5 points
  47. No, you're dating a stranger you barely know. You both threw common sense and good judgement out the window here, and you're learning this person is not playing with a full deck. This is why diving in head-first without knowing someone is almost always a very bad idea. Respectful men won't find you if you waste time with weirdos like this man.
    5 points
  48. Now you see, for me, it's almost the same - same eeewww/gross/disgusting factor x 10, lol.
    5 points
  49. He's not serious about you. Either he just wants to be your friend at his disposal and at his convenience or you're just wasting your time.
    5 points
  50. You need to smarten up and not get so hammered you puke in someone's bathroom then run away! You should have told your host and asked for some cloths to clean. it up with. I hope you have learned from this. The friendship could be ruined but that seems an over reaction to me. I'd be pissed with you but if you were my friend I'd forgive you. Give it some time to settle down then talk to them again. Vow not to get so hammered ever again.
    5 points
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