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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/19/2021 in all areas

  1. This is not how healthy relationships function, OP. You can't make anyone buy you things, nor should you. That is plain entitled. if he isn't the type to keep his word on treating you, you end it. You don't try to force him to do things he isn't naturally interested in doing.
    6 points
  2. I second the above. Breaking up wouldn't make her a terrible person but knowingly choosing to risk emotionally scarring another human being through full-on cheating, which is where she would be heading at if she doesn't clean up her act, would be a whole different story. Infidelity tends to create emotional scars and trust issues on the people that are cheated on. Personally, I have trouble excusing cheaters no matter their age. The vast majority of us have been taught as children that cheating is wrong and that one should not do to others what one would not want to be done to them, so on
    6 points
  3. Cheaters don't change. It's a fundamental character issue and unfortunately, whatever you've caught them at is usually just tip of the iceberg. Having a child is THE reason to talk to several top divorce lawyers and end this sham of a marriage. Children are not oblivious and the worst damage you can do to them is continue on and demonstrate that cheating has no consequences, that mom can run around and dad will just sit by all sad and turn a blind eye to the abuse. Basically, better to have one sane parent who can demonstrate proper values and boundaries, including leaving a cheater, than
    6 points
  4. You really shouldn't go with what they tell you. You should go with what they show you. For that, you need to take your time and not rush in. Remember: you don't know this guy, not yet. It's exciting when you feel a connection with someone, especially if you've been in a bit of a drought. But it's just a feeling. Keep dating him, but don't let yourself to get carried away by those feelings, and start to justify the things that are setting off those warning bells. He seems better than the last guy, but that doesn't mean he is better. You got over your divorce relatively qu
    6 points
  5. I think you're setting yourself up for failure in a way. First of all, your previous marriage shouldn't be a consideration in any future relationship. You are now in a completely different relationship. Your first marriage has nothing to do with your new partner. If you are afraid of being screwed over, it's because you don't trust yourself and your own decision-making process. And maybe you shouldn't trust yourself because Second of all, you're minimizing the impact of cultural differences and culture shock. You can't just expect someone to shed their upbringing and their past, no m
    5 points
  6. buck up mister and just ask her out. You don't NEED another "moment". If you wait, some other guy will catch her attention and scoop her away. Right now she's not very impressed so you better step on it.
    5 points
  7. I don't think you are overreacting. I think you are probably overstaying, though. It shouldn't be such a struggle to get what you want in a relationship.
    5 points
  8. Tonight she texted me when she was out front and told me and M to hop in the car. She took us for for dinner(curbside, naturally. Lol) and ice cream. Her and M had a very detailed and nerdy conversation about how ice cream machines work in the car. When we got home, she brought me all his “nighttime meds” stuff and I took care of that while she fixed her lunch for tomorrow. Grandma is visiting a bit so he’s watching tv with her. This is how we used to be. So much had changed and there were so many life stressors, we just need to find our way back to these things in our new no
    5 points
  9. You could pick a number, say $1000 as the amount you want him to spend on you. Don't give him any sex until he reaches the number. If he asks why you're holding out say that he hasn't bought you enough stuff. You could partially reward him, say with a handjob if he spends $125 and oral if he reaches 50% of the target amount of required purchases. Remember there's a calculator app on most smartphones to make the process easier. Don't forget to save those receipts!
    5 points
  10. She has lied and cheated on you. You are having to play detective in your relationship. This is toxic and has no future. She has shown you that she cannot be trusted, stop making excuses. "I told her early on and have reminded her since that cheating is something I'd absolutely not tolerate" What happened to this? You will look back on this and wonder where esteem went.
    5 points
  11. Finally got offer. It's better than I expected. I told them I'd let them know on Monday, but I'm 99.999% sure I'll laccept. Goin out to celebrate.... 🎉
    5 points
  12. So you allowed video games to be more important than your marriage/family and when she complained you ignored her feelings. Then when she was fed up and left your knee jerk reaction was to tell her you want a divorce. At what point did you decide she was more important than video games? After she started having sex with other men? This was all very fixable long before she got fed up and checked out but you ignored the problem. This is the easy part of your issues. The big problem you have is your ego is hurt because she had sex with more people than you did while you were apar
    5 points
  13. No. Never use introvert/extrovert as an excuse. It's about reciprocating a friendship and unfortunately if you don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone, try not to expect others to do the same for you. There's a double standard there that needs to be squashed. I say this with kindness because that sense of entitlement won't get you very far in life. The pandemic and restrictions have impacted most people so you are not alone. Do what you can to overcome that loneliness without putting your health or safety at risk. Some have kept up with online group meetings or busied themselves wi
    5 points
  14. Because he's not into you that way, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you so.
    5 points
  15. The advice from all of you is extremely helpful. Getting into a therapist at the moment is extremely difficult, they are booked solid for months. What you have all said to me allows me to feel comfortable to vocalise my feelings without being judged. Given me the realisation to re-evaluate why I am not coping with this change. I know it shouldn't be that big a deal. I will sit back and reflect so I can try and dig further into why it really has bothered me and to stop over thinking it.
    5 points
  16. Long term relationships are like a tripod. For it to stand, you need the sexual connection, intellectual connection, and emotional connection. If any one of these is missing, your relationship will collapse. Intuitively you already know this, thus the fear of moving forward. For you, that intellectual connection and perhaps even some level of emotional connection is missing. As for him gong to counseling or therapy....I mean really? He isn't broken, OP and it's really out of line for you to even suggest that he go to counseling to change his personality to suit yours. Why don't you go to
    5 points
  17. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Yes, your wife is cheating and there is no way around that. Friends don't chatter like that. Also adults don't just talk, they have sex. Confronting a cheater is really pointless. Majority of them will never admit to what they are doing even when confronted with evidence. Case in point really - oh it's not what it looks like, it's just a friend who is really sensitive. How stupid does she think you are? Sadly, stupid enough that she actually has the audacity to tell you this kind of bs and expects you to buy it. Refusing to go to counselin
    5 points
  18. Agree. Don't jettison your children's happiness for some uptight johnny-come-lately. You and their father are the only ones in any position to have a say over parenting. As just some BF, he has zero say in how your children act and how you raise them. He sent you those articles, not for your education, but to manipulate you. He doesn't like that your children sleep in your bed. That's the backhanded message he's sending. If you continue with this control freak, you'll be sorry. Imagine having this creep around your children full time.
    5 points
  19. Thanks again for all your replies on this discussion. I traced back to the time where things were ok and how decisions were made from his end to switch over to not doing any backup jobs just because he felt ok to not have any backup jobs. I may have nodded along for his decisions (blinded by sympathy and love) not knowing what I am nodding for. He didn't ask me "Is that ok?" when he made some decisions. Instead , he put his goal first and looked forward to getting it done but I didn't realize that the boundaries would cross from me paying all the common bills to me paying his bills as well. E
    5 points
  20. Suppressing your own feelings about this and or providing out of obligation (perceived or not) will ultimately lead to feelings of resentment and destroy the relationship. Don't be manipulated into thinking he doesn't understand. He understands exactly. He gets to do what he wants for work, no concerns on money, to the point he has a few hundred dollars a month of disposable income, you take care of the home and chores. AND you feel guilty for questioning him about it. Something here is not right and you know it. Get your thoughts straight on what you want to happen and approach
    5 points
  21. Wow! So much great insight! I am definitely loosing weight for myself! In fact I’m not dating right now because I don’t want any guy trying to interfere with that. So I’m wanting to be healthy for myself. I feel not ready because I need to improve the inner some more. When I do get back out there I’ll be wiser with who I choose to date. I’ll not just date anyone and I’ll be very selective. I know there will be weirdos no matter what and I’ll definitely steer clear. im having a lot of time for self reflection of what I did wrong in past relatio
    5 points
  22. Rose makes a great point. I personally have been in shape and out of shape at different times in my life for different reasons. But I'm realizing how important health is. Health is the new wealth. And not just in this pandemic. underlying health issues (including obesity) is a factor if you get it. but even if you don't. life long medication and treatments are expensive and lead to more health problems with age I'm all for NOT shaming people over appearance and weight. we should love ourselves no matter what. But that love should include some tough love like- better diet, lot
    5 points
  23. I think the answer is yes and no. YES you may attract more men that are on a similar journey of improvement which is a good thing right? More physically active men would be better don't you think? It could be NO if you cannot weed out the jerks, sure more attractive men may contact you but that doesn't mean they are better, just more physically attractive. If you are losing weight for yourself then I think it is great and the results will last but if your ultimate goal is mostly to land a handsome guy then will it last? Getting healthy is the best reason to lose weight and you
    5 points
  24. Girl stop it! You have a damn pen pal that's it! You are free to interact with online and in person any man you please. He is NOT your man. You are NOT his girlfriend. And make sure you don't fall for the okey doke and send him any gifts, money, or half naked pictures of you. Typical online scam artist persona of working in a foreign country. LIES! Just deal with him if you want to for the sheer entertainment value. But stop putting all this emotion into a pen pal. Makes no sense.
    5 points
  25. Talk to a good lawyer and try to figure out your options. This is messy now but it'll get messier later the older your child gets and the more the arguments start coming out and the resentment builds between the both of you. You cannot control someone else, what they do or how they choose to spend their time or what they want to spend their time on. She's been cheating on you right under your nose. If it's not physical, it's emotional.
    5 points
  26. What everyone is saying. There's absolutely nothing wrong or dumb about the way you feel. Totally human, totally allowed. Thing is? You have to own it, not hide it from someone while enjoying the perks of their affection and attachment. That's where adjectives like wrong and dumb start to have some traction, and where people get hurt. Imagine if the roles here were reversed, and Jane was whispering in people's ears about how she wanted to explore romance with men who are not you. Wouldn't you prefer she was honest with you about not being ready to commit?
    5 points
  27. Telling her that you are concerned and upset was OK. Calling her reckless is where you stepped too far and essentially insulted her. So in that aspect you are absolutely in the wrong and got a reaction that was warranted. Don't push conflict to where you start name calling your partner even if it's just "reckless". As you can see, it doesn't lead to resolutions but rather escalates conflict. Now she is rightfully angry with you and this conflict is no longer about your covid agreement, but rather how you are talking to her.
    4 points
  28. I'm not super sure how this site works so I don't know if you guys will see this, but here's an update: The Friday after I made this post (March 26th) he drove up and visited me and has come to see me every Friday since. We've spent one full weekend with each other to celebrate my birthday. Things are going super well and we will be living in the same town come August.
    4 points
  29. Autism isn’t a tragedy folks. My son is Autistic and he is anything but a tragedy . He was conceived when I was 30 and my husband was 27. It can happen at anytime. It is just a natural variation of human neurology.
    4 points
  30. Is there a reason you aren't able to say no or hesitate to do so? Does your partner stonewall you or guilt trip you later or become passive aggressive or rude or unkind? You have to get to the root of why you're so afraid to say no. Your partner and his mother sound similar to one another - appear worried and thankful during and after but don't seem to be able to think in advance until they are in the thick of things or when things go bad. They can't see ahead at the possibilities of what might happen, resulting from their actions now. It's very thoughtless and self-centered. I'm al
    4 points
  31. You seem like a people pleaser and a doormat. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before being able to help anyone else. You need to speak up for yourself and don't back down. When your mother wanted to pick you up, you should've done what was best for yourself and told her to do so. You didn't need your bf's approval or opinion. His mother was wrong to emotionally manipulate you into going when you didn't feel well. Perhaps your bf learned how to behave the same by observing his mother. You say you've had many discussions about the uneven division of labor. If he cared about you and
    4 points
  32. Sarcasm is the primary language in New Jersey. English is the second language. Spanish is probably third, but there might be others.
    4 points
  33. But you have talked to him already and he didn't really say no completely. He is being indecisive, because he is not ready to make that kind of a commitment to your relationship YET. So can you calm down and let him process things for a few more months? Don't keep nagging and beating a dead horse. Again, if you can't give him more time to decide what he wants to do, then YOU will have to make the best decisions strictly for yourself. You seem laser focused on moving and ignoring the bigger picture entirely.
    4 points
  34. Fact is, when you're not around, you really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in that house. No idea. Obviously we all would never in a million years believe someone we know well can do highly inappropriate things to children (really is abuse), but it is way more common than we can ever imagine. Don't for one second think it's not possible. That said, you need to tell him your thoughts, tell him it is not appropriate etc. You know this is creepy and on many levels, just wrong. Please read Andrina's post above - great advice there.
    4 points
  35. Most kids, by age 9, get really private with their bodies and start closing the bathroom door to shower, etc. So yes, she's out of the norm in that area. You live in your home, so you have the right to speak about boundaries you want established, and if it's a reasonable request, it should be honored. If not, then you're with someone who doesn't care how you feel. I'd tell him that for the psychological interest of the child, that everyone will be clothed in pajamas when she visits, and that she can no longer sleep in the adult bed. If he won't speak to her about rules, then you as
    4 points
  36. This is really disturbing - be honest with yourself. You feel entitled to be treated to material gifts from your boyfriend. Material gifts make you happy just like chocolate milk makes my son happy too. Nothing at all to do with fancy love languages. You like when people buy stuff for you. Of course he knows how to be romantic -he just doesn't feel like it and he senses that you're trying to manipulate him into buying you stuff because it's romantic. Huge turn off and it triggers my Ick Factor (which is far far more authoritative than any love language that translates too "I like getting
    4 points
  37. If someone has to buy you things to make you feel valued or to pay you back for slights this relationship isn’t worth it for either person. Getting gifts just because someone makes more money than you doesn’t make a great relationship. And yes, it is entitled.
    4 points
  38. If he cannot get over your past, then he's right to let you go. Yes, it was inappropriate of you to deliberately provoke jealousy in him by comparing him to your exes. No question. But, it appears you've tried to make ammends for that and have addressed these issues. It's also been 7 years, so it's a rather long time for him to hang on to this resentment if it bothered him that much. He should have left before now. But honestly? My guess is that he's using this as an excuse to cover the fact that he appears to have met someone else and is exploring that now.
    4 points
  39. Speaking as someone who dated a guy who obsessively played World of Warcraft, who completely ignored me, you need to just move on from the past. What she did were cries for attention. Those people she hooked up with were giving her the attention you would not give to her. I guarantee she spent months trying to get you to stop before hand. So I don't care what you have to do. You let it go. Stop thinking about it. Stop making her feel bad about wanting attention. What she did while you were separated is not her fault why the marriage was failing.
    4 points
  40. Okay if you’re going to come here for advise you have to be ready for some critical feedback. As outside perspective we give advice solely on that. If you see these red flags then why stay? You obviously know deep down and by posting here you’re not thinking this is a healthy relationship. So you need to ask yourself what are you gaining from any of this. Staying because you’re worried about his mental health isn’t a good reason and it’s not helping him if that’s the only reason. He’s going to do what he always does with or without you in his life. You know you can’t change
    4 points
  41. Yes, you ignored a whole lot of red flags. You're confusing "caring" with enabling. You may want to look into codependency, because your own habits here are not healthy for you either. That is probably why some others have suggested therapy for yourself, because you're just as much a part of the dysfunction as he is, though in very different ways. He needs professional help. Talking to you or his friends is insufficient in dealing with an addiction. And it sounds like he has no intention of stopping. He loves going out on benders and getting high. Clearly, this is the lifestyle he
    4 points
  42. OP, it is incredibly emotionally immature, to have a child knowing this man wouldn't have been a mature enough partner for you. Hope you can realize you're part of the problem in this. He's not the immature one.
    4 points
  43. We are just friends is the first line out of the cheater handbook. It would have been better if you hadn't driven them underground not that proving cheating (physical or emotional) is grounds for divorce. Proof would have helped you accept what is really going on though. It is hard to believe she would be so cold and heartless to you but she is. Obviously she has turned her love and emotions toward this guy and away from you. You are now the enemy and she will be mad at you for getting in the way of her love for him. You cannot snap her out of this, coax her back or threaten her
    4 points
  44. I also don’t understand why he’s not finding another source of income, or even why his business has slowed down. After this last year, everyone I know that works in the social services field has seen a huge increase in demand. More people are dealing with depression (and other dx) now than ever, so how is it that he’s losing business? Is he not taking virtual appointments or? Regardless, you feel the way you do because there is an imbalance. He’s the one who’s decided to live on his own, while going to school, and working for himself. He’s the one that didn’t have a backup plan when decid
    4 points
  45. Hi! I think you’re subconsciously trying to self sabotage your relationship by obsessing over something he can’t control and neither can you. He’s right, his past is just that, his past. I think if you see he’s with you and only you in this moment now you’ll be less likely to take your situation for granted. You have an opportunity to build a future with him, the other girls didn’t. You are going to scare him away and you may not truthfully be ready for something so serious. You need to take a deep breath when these feelings surface because either you learn to let it go. Or you
    4 points
  46. Oh, Carolina. Stop with this guy. It's over and your losing your dignity here.
    4 points
  47. Slightly different take here. Regarding your wedding.....sounds like she wasn't invited so, is there perhaps some misunderstanding there that after 30 years of friendship you didn't invite her to your wedding and yet you expected her to call you or send you a congrats card? I mean if you aren't really having a party......some people will not see a reason to send you cards or anything else such. Basically, if you want it to be a private affair....they'll respect that and you can't have it both ways. Your expectations can be seen as confusing and contradictory. Regarding the "support m
    4 points
  48. How does your boyfriend handle this? He just sits by passively without a word? Is he a Mama's boy and will always side with her over you? IMO, the only thing relaying bad things about what another thinks of you does is to make you feel badly. If it were me in his shoes, I wouldn't have told my gf this, and would have told my parents: You're never to say anything negative about my gf. I'm an adult, and this is who I've chosen. I expect you'll always be pleasant and kind to her, just as she will be with you. I know your culture is different, so perhaps this is unlikely. If so, I'd probably
    4 points
  49. No, it's not. He is going to come across other girls in his life. They can get pregnant, too. He will have the option to use condoms or abstain in those cases, as well. No need to leave a litter of children or a pile of abortions behind him.
    4 points
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