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About Me

  1. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  2. Hello, I have been dating a guy (28 years old) for 3 months, he asked me to be his gf recently. He is treating me very well but he constantly follows new naked insta models. These girls are people that he cant meet obviously but the problem is I find the fact that he is following and constantly seeking out naked woman very disrespectful. Also, the fact that he told me he will only have eyes for me and I will see with time that I can trust him, but despite saying these, him following these accounts doesnt look good to me at all. I am conflicted. On one side: - I know that guys and girls can look at other people and find otehrs attractive while in relationship too. I follows celebrities and footballers that I find attractive. But I wouldnt follow D... pictures on social media especially when I was in a relationship. It would be disrespectful to my bf and I am sure he would be worried if he saw my social media activity following bunch of accounts with d... pics. I find him following naked insta models on insta totally disrespectful. And He appears as a thirsty guy in my eyes now, who is constantly seeking out naked woman (but again I dont know if this is normal for men). - Indeed, before meeting him i've always wondered how my friends or other girls put up with such disrespectful treatment. I always told myself I would never be with someone who disrespects me like that. (Plz correct me if I am being so harsh). - So, since it has been only 3 months, I am considering to end the relationship by saying something like "we are not compatible" and continue dating and choose to be with someone who wont do that. Because I think that if I try to talk to him about his social media activity, I might appear as a controling person. Also, I dont want to tell him what to do. If he is happy following these women, he should. I shouldnt be preventing him. It shouldnt be a forced decison, it should come naturally from him. Perhaps he is not done exploring? On the other hand: - I am thinking about keeping it very simple and telling him: "I know its normal for both man and woman to look at other man and woman and find others attractive but following these accounts and constantly seeking out naked woman is disrespectful." I will also tell him that I always told myself I would never put up with such activity in a relationship and see what he will say and take it from there. -- I dont know which option is better. I feel that this relationship has a potential if we could get past the insta issue. Also, the reason why I posted here is, I want to get more opinions. Perhaps, I am overreacting and being overly jealous? Perhaps I should change the way I think about the whole thing? For instance, some people might say he is a men and men are visual, so if he is loving and caring and making me feel beautiful, loved etc, I shouldnt worry about social media. But on the other hand, his social media activity is not making me feel respected. Also is it really healthy to lust over others when in a relationship with someone you claim you care about? I would appreciate your opinions, what should I do?
  3. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  4. I cant stop obssesing about my partner staying in touch with an old lover. He has been secretive about it and I've snooped his phone. He knows. I feel bad about it too but proves my fears. I wake up anxious at night. Is our relationship ruined? We have been seeing eachother for more than 2 years, we had a miscarriage right at the beginning of the relationship, the pregnancy was unplanned.. ive gotten over it and we have understood we shouldn't put ourselves in that scenario if things are so shaky. He's fantasized about having 2 partners and even though I thought i could deal with at the beginning, I realized im emotionally uncapable. I told him I couldnt and wouldnt do it. I have too many insecurity issues and I distrust my partner. He's stayed with other people in touch he was involved and says he doesn't want to be told what to do. But that he wouldn't cheat on me. He says he's not fully happy about us. Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself for it. Im trying to work on it. We've said we would try it over and over again but the fact is, i don't trust him. I have never trusted anyone in my life before as I have been hurt many times already. Weve been meditating together and say we will be sincere to each other. I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late. We've gotten to the point in which he's supposed to move to another country with me and I believe he might end up cheating me with someone who lives there from his past. I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety about him not respecting our relationship and setting boundaries with other women. I know all the theoretical stuff about how I should be behaving..., ask myself what kind of relationship do I want and try to work towards that but sometimes it feel like its not enough. Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother. How do you change something like that? Were both in our late 20s beginning 30s and he wouldnt want to see a therapist together. He doesnt want it. I feel that if we dont figure out our stuff itll just keep on happening in other relationships... am I lying to myself? Also, I know snooping isnt cool, but why is there distrust? its a reaction. Also at the same time I wouldnt have a problem with him going through my stuff because I simply have nothing to hide. I feel like I wanna have that kind of closeness. He absolutely KNOWS I wouldnt do that, in a way I feel that might be the problem. I even moved countries for him and I just feel like in a way I dont even know if he will actually move countries for ME next year. I just have so much distrust. I guess I just need some perspective. Im supposed to leave for 1 or 2 months back to my home country for a while. Very uneasy about what thatll mean... how to let go and just let things unfold without feeling like Im forcing so much?
  5. Got an Infraction. Two questions: Is it possible to know, which post (or specific passage) caused the infraction? I do not intend to challenge the verdict or otherwise defend myself. However, it is a bit hard to learn anything from it, if I have to guess myself about what exactly was considered "disrespect" in my 30+ posts. What are the consequences, I got "5 points" – what does any of this mean? Sorry, new to forums like this in general, still learning the rules.
  6. I had a very troubled longtime friend, someone who wronged me more ways than one could imagine. He was very selfish, and never kept his word. I lent him money more times than you can imagine, and he never once paid me back. He totally took advantage of me, and, really didn't seem to respect me all that much. However, we were still "close" for 25 years. In fact, he considered me his best friend. In all honesty, I didn't really consider him mine, as I had a lot better friends who treated me with respect, and always kept their word. Despite this, I couldn't really turn my back on him. I was really the only friend he had left, and, he became increasingly troubled, addicted, and suicidal. His late night calls on a work night where he was alone and wanted to end his life became increasingly exhausting. I begged him to get professional help as I was not equipped to help. He really just wanted to die. He met a girl who was also somewhat troubled, and they even got engaged. I knew it was unlikely these two people would end up marrying, but he asked me to be his best man. A couple times, he brought her over to my place, and we'd all go out for dinner and drinks, and I'd always pick up the tab. I could tell it was the nicest thing anyone had done for them in a long time, and they clearly needed a good meal and some positive energy. I didn't know his girl all that well, but she seemed like a genuinely nice person, just troubled. Apparently, she decided she'd had enough with his behavior, and, he was apparently also looking at definite jail time as his past started to catch up to him. She ended up leaving him for someone else. These things were apparently the last straw, and he took his own life. She tried to contact me to let me know about his passing, but only found my land line in the phone book, something I rarely check. By this time, I had already heard the news thru the grapevine, and reached out to her to offer my sincerest condolences as she was the one who found him hanging there. We ended up texting randomly over the next several months, as we were the only people in the world close to him. Truthfully, I actually enjoyed our talks and I found it cathartic. She wanted to meetup and talk about stuff, but I always made excuses because it felt weird to me. In truth, we really don't know each other that well. A couple years passed, and, we've had random contact, maybe once every few months via text. A few weeks ago, however, she reached out to me to see if I wanted to meetup and chill. I made up some excuse because I wasn't really up for it. I guess she just needed a friend or someone in her life to listen. I ended up responding a bit later via text, and we talked quite a bit. She told me how she felt a connection to me during one of our dinners in the past, a time when I openly expressed to them while I am very successful on paper, I live alone and don't have a lot of friends. I guess this resonated with her, me showing my sensitive side. I will admit during this conversation I had a few beers, so I was probably more open than I normally am. She expressed how she found me to be a great guy, funny, sexy, etc. In a moment of weakness, I admitted I also found her attractive which is true. I certainly wouldn't have acted on it or anything back then, but I was caught in the moment. We discussed our lives, our childhood traumas, and realized we had a lot more in common than I initially thought. I proposed we meetup and work through these things together, and, during the heat of the conversation, we both admitted to wanting each other sexually. She seemed incredibly interested and seemed extremely happy the feeling was mutual. She really likes me. The next morning, however, I realized I had got caught up in the moment, and, had offered myself in a way that would violate the bro code. You know, the unspoken code between guys that you don't hook up with a friend's former girlfriend, no matter how ty a friend he might've been. I told her we could be friends, but it wasn't cool to my (late) friend if I were to act on this. She was very hurt by this and asked if everything I said was bull. I said no, I just said it was something I couldn't act on because it would definitely lead to some problems in my life, and it had nothing to do with her or her desirability. She offered she did really like me, thought of me when they were together, and, that if she had to be with one of his friends, he would've wanted it to be with me. I started to respond less and less, and ended up ghosting for a bit. Over the last week or so, she'd started sending me extremely sexy photos of her. With captions like "here is a preview of things to come..." I will admit, she is extremely hot, and she is starting to blow my mind. I really feel like I can't act on this, but I also know she's hurt because I said a whole bunch of , admitting my attraction and then sheepishly having to backtrack. I feel awful about all this, but I really do find myself thinking about her a lot. Ugggh. Sorry, I had to vent, but I feel like the worst friend in the world. Thank you for reading this :(
  7. I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months, the relationship was really good and healthy, he treated me with respect and I did the same for him. He was always there for me, being a loving boyfriend, listening to my problems and giving me advice. The relationship I had with his family and friends was pretty good too. One day he dumped me out of the blue. He just woke up and told me that he didn’t see a future with me, and that he felt something off with the relationship for some time. Now he is back and asking for another chance. Should I forgive him or should I say no and walk away. Help please
  8. I asked my boyfriend to go to a burger/ food truck festival. Without saying anything to me, he put an invite onto his work social thread then let me know that two girls he works with would be coming. He says they will pick us up shortly after 12. I said I needed to go and move furniture at my brothers place and would be back by 12. I double checked the time before leaving l. I pull up at about 11:45 and see lots of missed calls from my boyfriend. As I go to his apartment, he comes out and says 'they're here now let's go. I tried to tell you the Change of plans but you didn't answer your phone'. OK, I went up stairs and got changed in a hurry, just as I was about to leave, I noticed a big stain on my top. As I didn't want them to wait I said 'I'll just come later'. My boyfriend turns and leaves without saying anything like 'no, we can wait'. It takes me less than ten minutes to get ready so I'm ready by 12, the originally agreed upon time. Now I'm expected to get an uber and meet them. Meanwhile he is at the festival with these two girls. We're supposed to go to a bar afterwards. To cut to the chase, I message him and say 'I'm not going because I don't want to arrive by myself and you disrespected me by leaving without me. Also, why didn't you just tell them to come at 12?'.he could see that I didn't read his messages so I thought the plan was still 12. Is this disrespectful? Also, one of the girls he went with is a flirt and I really dislike her so I felt she would have a smug look on her face when I came without him.
  9. Hi, Thanks to all who participate in this forum... it helps a lot! I am 38, male, and I am together with this woman since 2 months , and really in love with her. The time together have been super intense, with a lot of love-making(since the first date actually), cooking together, sport, 1 week holidays and basically most of our free time together (which i loved as my last relationship I suffered from her not wanting to commit and move together or spend more days together) I also did nice things for her when she needed something and she for me and live was just pure happiness. Some ago weeks she got a bit upset because i saw a photo of my friend and his girlfriend (whom i dont know) and i said "wow she is pretty" or something similar. I didnt think that it was a huge deal but she was upset. Last week we were in a small cablecar together and just in front of me was a girl, maybe around 20 and, honestly, I couldnt help to look at her as she was quite attractive. Now, I only remember it like having a few glimpses of her face but, as according to my gf, it was really obvious and she said the girl noticed and got embarrassed. (just for context my girlfriend is just as attractive or more, just in a different way) For some days all was apparently ok with my gf (though we had almost no sex those days) until 2 days ago she exploded and told me how she felt about it and left abruptly my apartment to go to hers. She says that if i behave like this in front of her and dont respect her, then she doesnt know what i do when i am alone and she cannot trust me, and she doesnt want to keep investing all this energy if the foundations are not solid... Which I get, and I feel terrible about it, and of course the last thing I want is to bother anybody or make my girlfriend feel like i dont respect her, and i will really try avoid staring in the future. On the other hand... as a man, even a man in love, i will always find some other women attractive.... and it really doesnt mean anything, i love my gf the same and i have zero desire to even talk with those other women. In all honesty, I wouldnt even recognize that other girl if we crossed on street. Any advice on how to try to regain her trust?
  10. Broke up with my first boyfriend years ago, it affected me a lot because he has a "type" and I can't help but compare myself to the new women he may be dating. We remained friends (no longer) for a while and I recall this conversation that I go over and over in my head; Him: She never texts me but I'm just trying to respect her space Me: She must be damn hot or something for you to still try and work things out despite her ignoring you for weeks like that Him: She IS hot...... I am definitely still in love with him and these thought I'm afraid are becoming crippling to my self esteem. Should I try and make arrangements to speak to a conselor about this? Has Anyone else experienced this?
  11. This is killing me. I need to know if I am wrong to feel the way that I feel. I don't mind my boyfriend hanging out with other women. We are both adults and I trust him. I don't feel like he would do anything behind my back. On Thursday, he hung out with this girl whom we shall call M. He invited me out to hang with the both of them, but I backed out due to social anxiety. I was feeling low on energy from work and I just wasn't feeling up to it. I am a bit bothered by the fact that he told her that I had social anxiety. That next day, he invited me out to hang with both him and her again. He told me that I could get out more and that being exposed to more people would get me out of my shell. Reluctantly, I agreed to go with him. That's what normal girlfriends do, they go places with their boyfriends. And usually I don't mind if it's just us, I just get a little nervous when it comes to hanging out with other people. I do it. I act normal, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't racing. So we arrive at the bar where M and her guy (gay) friend is with her (M is apparently bisexual). We all sit at the bar and we have a couple of drinks before we go to our next location. Fast forward to the issue at hand. We enter another casino, and M goes on to tell us that she had one of her birthdays here. Where she "effed" both her boyfriend and his friend. But she stayed with her boyfriend's friend the whole night instead. Okay, to each their own, I'm not judging. Then when we walked a little further into the casino and she said that she would "eff" both my boyfriend and me, and that we could thank her later. (My boyfriend said that he did not recall her saying this, which upsets me. I mean it could be a possibility because we were inside a loud area, but still..) I was put off by that in a negative way. Then THIS BS happened. She purposely abruptly stopped walking in front of my boyfriend so that he could run into the back of her. Not one, but TWICE, accompanied with a giggle and a playful "Oops! I'm sorry". Like I wasn't even standing there. I was furious, but I kept it cool because I didn't want to ruin the night. I do that all the time to my boyfriend so that I could press my butt up against him. I grabbed my boyfriend by the arm and told him that I'm being nice to his "friend" to preserve the night. My boyfriend claims that he did not remember her doing it a second time. The things he has forgotten is too convenient for me. When we got home, my attitude grew. I'm pissed because he didn't defend us. I felt like he let his trashy friend disrespect not only me, but us. He did not defend us. He didn't say anything to protect us. The only thing he said to M when she did that was " I didn't know it was going to be that kind of night..." That's not sufficient enough for me. Maybe just a simple "Hey, my girlfriend is right here." Then, what pissed me off even more, is that I felt like he was making excuses for her. I told him that it was outright disrespectful. He tells me that she probably wasn't serious and that she was just joking. That there is more than one possible reason for her actions. He didn't find her actions disrespectful at all. Then what the heck was it? I don't think it was innocent. I have refused to go out with some of my guy friends because I consider my boyfriends feelings, even when he didn't know about it. That entire night, men tried to talk to me when I was separated from the group. I never flirted, I stayed true to him. Any men that could possibly threaten what we have, I eliminate all chances of that happening. I don't feel like he did the same for me. I was so heated last night, and I feel so bad for how far our argument went, but I was just so disappointed in him. Am I over reacting?
  12. So I have a few financial ties with my dad that I’m trying to resolve. The short story here is that he advised me to contribute a ridiculous percentage of my income in my 401k to save for a house together. This set me way behind on my bills as he was pressuring me not to change the contributions and I ate up all of my liquid savings. We have a credit card together, and when I came to a breaking point for two months, he made the payment. The minimum was $30, he told me he paid $100 each time and started claiming I owed him $200. I told him that if I had the extra $60 for those two months, I would have made the overpayment myself. I clearly did not as I asked him to make the payment, and did not have an extra $200 to give him. He was essentially trying to spend money that I didn’t have as it was locked away in an investment that’s difficult for me to access. I called the credit card company today to make the October payment, and the system told me the last payment he made was $40. I texted him telling him what the system told me, and then asked why he says I owe him $200. He FaceTimes me talking in circles and saying he made the payments and I owe him money. I got fed up and said “No, I don’t. You made those ’supposed’ overpayments on your own. I didn’t ask you to or consent to it. You knew I couldn’t afford the $30 payment, so why would you pay $100?” he got upset that I said I didn’t owe him anything and started saying I didn’t make any sense, trying to make me doubt myself. Then he started bragging about the hundreds of thousands of dollars he has in his stock account and he doesn’t need me or my money. I told him that I don’t care how much money he has, and I no longer want to do finances with him. I told him I want out of the car, and I’ll pay of the credit card myself. This situation isn’t working for either of us, and it needs to end. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I told him I didn’t want to resent him. He said he he doesn’t care if I resent him or about me that much so I should go and resent him if I want because I already do. I reminded him that this is exactly why his other 4 children haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years and he has never met any of his 5 grandchildren. He said he doesn’t care about any of his children or grandchildren and hung up on me. I want out of the car with him immediately. I’m leasing an SUV that I owe a little more than $10k on, and I believe the car he’s driving that I’m financing has around $12k left. I’m thinking about returning the lease, and keeping the car, but I’m not sure how to get out of leases. I’d like to not have a car with my father anymore by the end of this week and to never speak to him again. He’s way too disrespectful, and makes me realize that dealing with the way he treats me makes disrespect from men the norm for me which is why I don’t recognize it.
  13. Quick bio Me:25 him:27 Together 5 1/2yrs with 2 month break about a year ago. So this friend of his i have always had trouble with, they have known eachother for 10 years or so and are not very close, partner has says he just feels bad for her as she has no friends so catches up with her every so often. I have caught her doing very inappropriate, boundry crossing things while i am around. Trying to give him a shoulder rub, trying to hold his hand, when she hugs him she puts her breasts in his face etc. When i pointed these things out to my partner he said "shes had a ed up past she just doesnt know what shes doing" so i had a conversation with her and informed her of the boundreys she is crossing she apologized said she didnt mean it but it kept happening. Fast forward to our 2 month break, partner became very depressed with his job, family and it all became too much he decided to break it off with me. We didnt have a big falling out i just agreed that if thats how he felt then we wouldnt be together, i packed up my stuff and left. Fast forward again to now. We spoke again after two months and spoke honestly about everything spending weeks together just working through all the crazy. He admited that he slept with this girl friend because "she was easy and there". We have worked through everything else and now are happily living together.. All except this girl, i cant get past the betrayal of him choosing that girl after all the times i told him thats what she wanted from him. Its been driving me litrally crazy, i had been checking her facebook everyday and it was getting rediculous. I deleted and blocked her. My partner has always ignored her calls and texts when we are together and hasnt mentioned her for the last year. I was finally starting to feel less crazy about this women. I went away for 2 days last thursday morning. All was great i get home sunday. I was sitting playing a video game and grabbed his phone to use the internet to look something up as mine was dead, something we both do all the time. As i was swipping through the open apps to get to the internet i see a text message from this woman with an address. I click on it and find a message from thursday afternoon that my partner had sent asking what she was upto that afternoon. My heart broke. I went and found him and just cried, the first time we have been apart for more then a day since the break and he contacts this women who he knows i have an issue with. He said he felt bad because she called him while he was driving and she gave him a sad story of how they hadnt spoken in nearly a year and she missed him. So he took her for a four wheel drive and then dropped her home. He didnt tell me because he knew how angry i would get and he didnt want to ruin my trip or upset me. I pointed out that he has broken my trust and made me suspicious when i never was before. I trusted he would not do anything with this women.. It was just her i was worried about. Now im not so sure, by hiding this from me i just dont know what to feel. I told him if he wants to hang out with her, fine. Shes his friend they have been friends for 10 years, i will not be that women that makes him choose. The only things are i will not have anything to do with her, i will not be doing any driving in regards to her and he has to tell me when they are going to hang out. I told him i respect him too much to make him choose and he said that he hates how upset she makes me, that he should respect me enough to cut her out of his life. I told him that is his decicision and i will not infulence him on that. Im just so hurt and i dont know how to move forward. I love him and i do belive he loves me too. Its not a simple situation with a simple answer :/
  14. Hi everyone, This is my first time posting and first time visiting this community. So - i have been with someone for the past 2.5 years. In the beginning things were great, but i always noticed that i felt as though he didn't always speak to me in a respectful way. Mostly getting short with me, aggressively saying my name like a parent would and kind of telling me off almost. However apart from this the relationship was really good. We spent a lot of time together and texted frequently, always telling each-other how much we wanted to be together etc. Normal relationship stuff. Fast forward to 6 months ago, I started noticing that the remarks towards me were getting pretty frequent, the texting had slowed down a lot and we were seeing each-other less and less. He has hobbies that take up a lot of (solo) time and i spent a lot of time being fitted in around this. I know hobbies are important however so i let him get on with them and actively encouraged them. In our spare time his first thought would be how to fit in his hobbies. This became apparent when he decided to go off on a solo adventure for 2.5 months over summer (we are students and have a large summer break in-between semesters). He didn't really want to go on holiday together but i feel as though i wore him down and we decided to meet in the middle. Before we met on holiday we were apart for 6 weeks. Throughout this time we spoke over text and rang each-other maybe 3 times (he isnt a big phone call person). However the texts were nothing like they should be in a relationship and i felt just like he was checking in with a friend, no miss you, love you etc unless i did and in which case he would reciprocate. One day i messaged him asking if he could tell me something nice and that he loved me because i was going through a hard time with family stuff and wanted to hear it. He didn't message me for 5 days until i rang him and he said he "hadn't come away for me to nag at him." We meet up on holiday in a beautiful destination. But i felt so alone the whole time. He was short with me, made some quite nasty remarks and i felt as though i was a burden the whole time. I left him to go home when the holiday ended and cried for about two hours, that was when i decided enough was enough. The person i was with 2 years ago is not the same person now, and he isn't being respectful. I had some time to think and had to unfortunately message him this because we still had a month of him on his trip. I said i felt unhappy, i felt he was rude and made me so upset on holiday. He said "we can talk when i'm back". I reiterated the message about 2 weeks later and got the same reply "talk when back". I won't be seeing him until next week when we are both in the same country again. We haven't spoken apart from this. I just kind of want to know whether i am making a really silly decision by ending it with someone who when the good is good, we have great times. Or whether the way its been in the pat 6 or so months is enough to be a dealbreaker.
  15. Hello, I'm in a pretty tough situation and want to gain some insight in how a person on the other end of this situation feels and thinks. I'll try to keep it short but complete. My (22,m) girlfriend (22) and I had been together for a year when she left to study abroad in Italy. Three months in, I planned to go visit her. Two weeks before I left, I discovered she cheated on me. I was angry, sad, frustrated and confused because our relationship was incredibly strong before she left, and she had a big anti-cheater mentality. We talked a lot after I knew and I knew I still loved her. She may have cheated but I know her, she isn't a liar. I knew I could forgive her, and allow her to prove her worth to me during this trip. She showed a lot of remorse and a lot of positive signs that she's genuine about making it right, showed a lot of respect for my position in this. I asked her, what do YOU want? Do you want to dedicate yourself to fix this, do you want a break, or do you want to be free? She told me there is nothing she wanted more than me to come visit her to fix things. I'm writing this on my final day here. When I arrived we had a talk. She told me she's very confused because I insisted on her thinking about what she wants. She told me more or less that because I didn't really get furious and insult her, she didn't feel the natural response of wanting to win me back. That she feels nothing at all now, that she feels like she's inside of a mental black hole. I mean, I came over expecting her to practically throw herself at me, with me having to keep her on a distance for myself. But she told me she wants nothing more than to feel the vibe and energy she felt before, which she doesn't feel now. She wanted to start over as friends and fall in love with me again. I understand her situation here, I know her, and I know she's living in another reality now. That's why I am open to forgiveness, she has lost herself and made a mistake. I also genuinely understand this is all happening very quickly after D-day, we both thought we'd have more clearer thoughts about it all by now. So I agreed. I promised myself to be positive, because being sour all the time wouldn't be fun for myself. I noticed that she lost the physical attraction to me, but still feels very emotionally connected. On the other hand, I am still attracted to her, but lost the connection because of the cheating. We had a pretty busy schedule planned. I sort of pushed myself to just be myself, the person she fell in love with. Doing things together made me feel like in the old days. We did everything a couple does, except for the romantic stuff. That part made me most confused. So while I (and we) truly had fun doing things, this started to eat at the back of my mind. Almost every moment where we weren't busy exploring cities, visiting stuff, my head got very chaotic and I closed up. I got frustrated with how I felt like I'm putting in effort by being myself around her, while she didn't seem to do the same and it should be the other way around. I expected her to be more affectionate, to try harder. I noticed us growing closer during the day, by having fun with each other, since we both missed each other. But most nights when we got back to the hotel, I had time to think and we had difficult talks. These talks were necessary but obviously pushed her away more and more. She said she truly wants to feel the spark again, but just couldn't bring herself to be intimate with me because it would feel very fake on her part. While I'm convinced being physical was necessary to bring back the spark. She did feel SOME things. After a fun day she'd rest her head on my shoulder, or hold my hand when waking up in the morning. Those things were real. This convinced me that it CAN work out, some day, when she's back. Call me naive, stupid or whatever. I know her and I understand her position, this whole thing feels a bit forced because we both had little time to think about it. We had a supposed-to-be final talk yesterday, an incredibly difficult goodbye. We agreed to break up, and maybe find eachother again later in life. This girl is an amazing person, the reason I fell in love with her is because she's always real, she's genuine, doesn't search for excuses in this and doesn't want to see me suffer. I would've wanted to stay together on certain terms, with a kind of break. But for that I need sex, sounds dumb but it's true, I can't go another three months being dry. And she said she just couldn't give me what I want, she wanted that she'd be able to, and thought she would be. I know it sounds dumb on my part, but I don't want to lose her. I'd like to re-evaluate when she gets back, but I can't do that knowing and not knowing whatever she's doing here. She feels like she doesn't deserve a break after what she did, that she doesn't deserve me thinking about her and partially waiting for her. It's in both our best interest to break up completely, because I can't afford to keep her on my mind, that's unhealthy. And she needs to sort her own mind. I explained how I feel about this. She didn't expect me to be so understanding, feels grateful and respects me for it, but it kinda made her lose the spark. She told me her image of me changed for the better, that only now she realizes what a beautiful person I am. Which makes her feel even more ty about what she did. She told me she would, despite the break up, remain celibate out of respect for me. She would view our break-up as a break, but insists that I go my own way, and possibly think of her when the time comes. This is just happening very fast, I know. I will go back home and move my thoughts by focussing on school and looking for other girls. I want to know if I handled this right. A part of me 'regrets' that I didn't get more angry with her, another part feels good because this is who I am. I am the bigger person and there's nothing bad that can be said about me. I was open about my feelings, and I saw this hurt her so much more than I could have by being angry. I proved who I am, I made her realize what I'm worth and what she threw away. That second chance is still lying on the table for her, because she wasn't ready to grab it, which I understand. I won't be waiting. I was still in the city for a day after the 'breakup' before leaving and couldn't help but feel like yesterday's goodbye wasn't enough for closure on my part. This sounds very dramatic but I waited in front of her door to meet her when she'd go to class. I stood there for nearly three hours (in the rain!), turned out she couldn't get out of bed, sobbing. Eventually she answered my text that she's home. I asked for five minutes of her time. I gave her a big ol' tight hug (she was reluctant), telling her: "I understand you, I get you, I know you and respect you for who you are. I don't regret coming here, making this trip with you and getting to know you even better. I know this is happening too quickly, so I understand why you couldn't grab my second chance. It's still there for when you're ready, but it won't be waiting and I could be gone. Respect me the way you told me yesterday. But above all, respect yourself. Don't let yourself be used like what happened, you're better than that." When I said that, she literally broke down sobbing, telling me she's so sorry, I love you. And wouldn't let go of the hug, while she didn't want to be hugged in the first place. Then I said goodbye. This really is the best thing I could've done, I feel free and confident. While she feels even worse than before, fully realizing who walked away from her and what she lost. I wrote this post throughout the day. First part in the morning, second part when I saw her during noon, and this part while I'm sitting at the airport waiting on my flight home. Now I feel sad, I'm almost crying. I miss her and want nothing else than things being like they were before she left. I want to text her this and that, but I'm too stubborn because she needs to do the chasing, I have a spine. This is incredibely difficult and this whole week was an emotional rollercoaster. We both want things to work out one day. I think if I lose control and text her about how I still do love/miss her, she will lose the respect I earned. FML.
  16. Hi there Just wondering if anyone has experience on how to deal with a partner who sometimes drinks too much and acts disrespectful. Some things that he does is act flirty with other girls in front of me, say hurtful things to me (like telling me to shut the f up) or slamming door on my face when I was just trying to help. He doesnt think he has a problem, and he doesnt always drink, but when he does he gets blackout drunk to the point where he doesnt remember what happened the night before. I have talked to him about how it hurts me several times, but he is continuing to act in the same way and doesnt see how it is hurting me. I love him so much and want this to work out between us. I offered for us to go to counseling together for a session but he said no. Thank you kindly
  17. I honestly don't know where to begin. I guess I should start by giving some background info on my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been dating him since I was 16 and am now 25. We were planning on getting married in a year but am having second thoughts and believe now that I don't want to go through with it. I would say that I have always kind of known that we were not always the most compatible but I always figured if we could respect each other's differences that we could move pass them. One of the biggest being our spiritual beliefs (he is an atheist and I am a Catholic). We also have very different lifestyles when it comes to being responsible with household tasks and financial affairs. I've always tried to be accepting and tolerant to who he is. So something that I am really struggling with is his relationship with drugs and alcohol. He smokes weed on the daily which doesn't bother me as much as his drinking. He drinks pretty much daily but usually not to excess. But then there are some days where he gets very drunk and doesn't remember much of how he acts. He gets very loud and belligerent where he can be very disrespectful to me and everyone in the house. Overall when he is not drunk he is nice to me but in general has no regard for others which bothers me because I believe everyone should have basic compassion and respect for one another. I guess mainly my problem amongst many others is his drinking. I believe that he has a dependeny issue with drugs and alcohol. I have talked to him about it on many occasions usually following a bad night of him drinking. He always says that he will decrease his drinking and whatever and does for a bit but then goes back to old habits. He does think that he has a little bit of a problem but doesn't really do anything to fix it. I just don't know how much more of his baggage I can take. Ok so I guess where my thought process goes is everyone says that marriage is hard and requires work. That your not always going to like each other and you need to tough it out through the hard times. On the other side though I've heard people say that if your not happy then you need to leave the relationship. I feel like the two sayings go against each other and don't know what to do whether I should stay and try to help my boyfriend through this hard struggle in his life or if i need to look out for myself and leave? My boyfriend and I have been through so much over these 9 years that would have broken many couples but we managed to get through it. Can't say it has made us stronger, maybe weathered would be a better word. Regardless we have a lot of history together. Sorry the post was so long, I have so much to say and don't know how to summarize all of it. I would just love to hear someone else's unbiased perceptive of my situation.
  18. Hei everyone! I'll provide more context as soon as I have more time, but in general do you think that inviting someone to your place on the 4th/5th date, providing that you don't want to get physical yet, can be too soon and a mistake? Should I express to that person before they come that I don't want to get physical yet in case he has that expectation? Or should I express it at the date itself if it comes to that? Should inviting someone home in the early stages of dating be avoided if we don't want to get physical yet? For financial and practical reasons the date will be at my place but I feel that it's too soon to get physical yet despite feeling attracted and we getting along extremely well so far. We have work early next day, so it's not like we're spending the night together. I know I should already know all this stuff but I haven't dated in a very long time and I didn't have these dilemmas when I used to date. But now I want to enforce and respect my boundaries and get to know the person really well before "going all the way". I'm ready for some tough love from y'all.
  19. I was seeing a guy for almost a month. Things were going very nicely. When we first met, we were very open with each other about how we both struggle with mental illness. I suffer with a slight mood disorder, and he suffers with depression. This honesty brought us closer together. As the month went on, he started experiencing hardships. He has to take the semester off of college due to money reasons. His car hydroplaned and hit a wall. He does not have the money right now to fix the damage. He doesn’t have a good family life at home. As these things happened, he seemed very distant and cold towards me. I thought maybe he lost interest, being that he only knew me for a short period of time. I knew something was off, but i thought maybe he is just unstable from what is going on in his life right now. He ended up texting me last week saying that he is not ok, and that he doesnt want to end things with us but he ‘has’ to end things. He said he hated himself for his decision. I respected this and told him that I am here for him. I havnt heard from him since then. I am very open minded, being that I struggle with my own mental health at times. I want him to be happy and I want him to get everything together, but i’m just wondering if he will reach out to me when he sorts things out. He is prone to depression and im worried about him. I dont want to be selfish and disrespect the space that he asked for. Do you think there is a chance of him coming back?
  20. So I have started a relationship with a guy who I consider my best friend. We have known each other for a long time, been through a lot, he knows me better than most people and vice versa. I made another thread about how I didn't want a relationship with him, and one of the main things was because of this situation where he doesn't want to work. I ended falling for him and I do love him, he's a beautiful soul and we get along really well. He makes me feel safe, I adore being around him, but I can't take him seriously. I'm 25 years old, I'm not a kid anymore, I want to move in together, get married and maybe have children later on. I want to build a life on my own without depending on my parents. And even though I know that he genuinely likes me, hell in 25 years he's the only guy that I feel that truly loves me, I just can't have something with someone based on just feelings. I'm unhappy with my job, and I want to change a little bit what I work with, and I've started looking for other places this week and I've already gone to one interview, and received two others. I get out of work earlier so I can go to the interview, I work my a** off, work on Saturdays and holidays and I was so unhappy with my job that I considered quitting but I don't want to quit before I find something else. I have goals, I want to be independent financially, I want to have my own things, I work really hard for this. Now I'm not saying he has to be workaholic, even I'm not, but he's the complete opposite. I get so upset when I find myself waking up 6 a.m. everyday, getting late home, and him waking up ate 12 p.m., going out to drink almost everyday, never has money for anything and talks about work as if it's some disease. He's almost 27 for christ's sakes. He is a lovely person, best person I've ever had in the means of treating me like a princess and treating others also. So respectful and nice, but how can I have a relationship with this guy? I've talked to him so many times about this, he says he's going after jobs, but deep down I know he has no ambition. His mom has a great resposibility for him being like this. He's not rich where he can just give himself the luxury to not work. He's made me pay a lot of time things for him and then I realized I was paying not because something happened, but simply for the fact that he doesn't want to work!! This has lead to a lot of fights and insecurity on my part because at any given time he can just not have money for something we planned to do, and either I'd have to pay for him, or we won't do it. Like seriously, I want to be able to go to a nice restaraunt, or go on a nice trip, not have to be staying home because he never has money. Seriously, I love him, I want the best for him, and I really wish we could work it out together... but I'm a woman, not a teen anymore that it's ok to not want to work. I'm just upset, I used to get angry... but now I'm just sad. I feel like this will never change. I keep asking myself if I'm wrong to feel this way, if I'm being futile, but I don't care anymore, I feel like this and I've decided to respect my feelings. I really don't know how to proceed with this.
  21. My partner and I have been dating for nearly a year now, he had only been single for six months after getting out of a seven year relationship. From what he has told me it didn’t end very well and bad things were said from both parties. As the New Year has passed he has texted his ex to apologise for what was said during the break up, I respect the kind hearted side of him that felt like he needed to apologise but at the same time it just made me feel like it was opening the door to possibilities of them trying to fix things. Ever since we have got together I have always felt second best to her, they have a long past and his family talks about her a lot, I have expressed my concerns to him but he says I have nothing to worry about but I just can’t shake the feeling that I will be pushed aside or just always be second best. Am I being irrational? Any advice is appreciated, just need some guidance, thank you.
  22. And he likes me... we’ve talked about wanting to date but he wants to respect my ex and not have an awkward living situation which I understand... I am wondering if it could be mitigated by being up front tho. My question is... do you think it would be a good idea if I went to my ex and told him I was interested in dating his roommate and wanted to know how he felt about that? I am willing to accept whatever answer he gives me... we have been apart for almost 3 years and he has a GF so there is no pining going on from his side. I guess I am wondering if asking is a good idea or if I should just let this go. His roommate is a really great guy and I have known him for a few years... they only just started being roommates this year, before that they didn’t know each other. It’s just that the roommate makes me have those butterflies you know? After all this time a switch flipped and I was like ooooohhh.... And I want to be respectful by not hiding or going behind my ex’s back.... maybe I am just in denial though and it’s a dumb idea and I need to let it go altogether. Thoughts?
  23. Hello all. I'm 27, she's 46, the age was never a problem for me, I've dated older ladies before with no issues, she doesn't seem to have any issues with it. Little back story, I consider myself a very friendly guy, I usually go the extra step to show respect and make everyone happy, hate the thought of going over the line and being disrespectful. I haven't been in any sorta relationship for 3 years, just working and keeping busy. I always keep to myself, not shy, just prefer to be there only when wanted (which is a huge problem). Her and her daughter (10, home schooled) moved here from out of state with nothing but clothes, she got housing assistance and because she was in either the army or navy, and retired because of injuries, she has va help. No job, her daughter is homeschool. I'm the giving type, so I gave her some furniture, some things I didn't need and didn't use, naught her some house things. She is my neighbor, she actually asked me out for Halloween. She said she was into me at first, my lips, beard, blah. We went out to bars and drank alot, only gave what was given, such as shed kiss me, I'd kiss her. That week she gets sick, kinda felt like I was being ignored, but eventually she replied. I gave her flowers (said she loved), get well cards to both her and her daughter, that was also sick. So we finally go on another bar date that started at 2 pm, and went to 415 am, keep in mind, i paid for the first night out, and this night out. Boyfriend, girlfriend, love was thrown around by her, drunk, not talking to me, but to other folks outside of the bar where we were smoking, it was a couple arguments she was in, I had her back even if she was wrong. I showed her I had her back, it doesn't matter, because she was drunk and doesn't remember much at all. There was a lady selling flowers, so I bought her flowers at the bar,. So fast forward till now, and what I need help with. I would text her, and sometimes she wouldn't even reply for 4-6 hours, no reply to good mornings. I can't remember if she said just come over instead of texting, but I like to make sure I'm not interrupting anything, most times there's no reply. But I have been over there, and we still talk from time to time. It'd be easier to take screenshots of the messages and times to better understand. I have alot of problems with being ignored, I have anxiety attacks that make me sink even further down in depression, seeing as I haven't been with another female in so long, and rarely hang out with friends, kinda sucks trying to juggle owning my lawn care business, trying to talk to her, and trying to calm myself down because I'm everything it. I know I suck at explaining things like this, it's either type it and do not read it, or spend 4 hours retyping and making it perfect, in my eyes. If you have any questions or opinions, please reply, any help is greatly appreciated.
  24. Hello peeps! I am a female! A very Single AF female. I haven’t been dating much these past years, and I finally went on a date two weeks ago, with this amazing guy! He’s so funny, he’s so intellectual, serious and genuine. I like his personality and I think we had a amazing first date! We met for dinner, and I paid for my own and drove myself there, and he respected that. Ok.... So a week later..he ask me if we can see each other again, but to chat and get to know each other at my place. He promised he won’t try anything, seriously, and we had a very great conversation, and he said “I know this is only the 2nd date, but can I kiss you?” I was so startled, and I gently said sorry no. Because I was not expecting that. He respected my decision. We talked for a little longer and after it got late. I walked him out of my house and he said hopefully he will see me again. So he kissed my forehead, and then I kissed his forehead just because I was SO NERVOUS and not used to affection. He laughed and smile and left. A couple days past, and I initiated text saying things like “how are you?, how’s your week going?” And he responded with a short answer...I asked him “was it weird that I kissed your forehead?” And he responded “no just unexpected” and that I said “sorry” and He said “Lol, don’t be” And now....it’s been 2 weeks....No text, No call, complete silence from him.... Why? Was it me? What happened? Is he no longer interested? Is he talking to other girls? Was I too weird? Should I initiate text? How should I proceed?
  25. I had someone contact me via an online dating app. We actually matched online before, but I deleted the app before we really got to know each other and I wasn’t sure about him. This time he sent me a nice message, we matched, he was eager to meet, and we set up a meet for last Saturday. We had been communicating for about 1.5 weeks now. I had family matters surface Saturday morning, so I asked if we could reschedule for this upcoming weekend and he said he was okay with rescheduling. Prior to heading off to bed, he confirms that we have rescheduled for “next week”. Then yesterday he sent me a message asking how my week was and if I was working hard. My replies were short...maybe one or two words long because I was stressed. I just noticed now that he deleted me from the app. What’s interesting is that you’re automatically rematched with the same people you unmatch, and he’s already appeared in my matches after he deleted me. My concern is that he may think I wasn’t interested based on my rescheduling of our first meet and my short replies to him lately. He was also intiating the messages. At first I was on the fence about him, but with each message exchanged, my interest grew. I was tempted to send him a message saying “hey, what happened? Was looking forward to meeting you”. Good idea? Bad idea? He just seems like a super respectful guy and I can honestly see him providing me with some candid feedback if I did reach out. I’m just concerned that I’m once again coming across as cold, even though I don’t mean to. Based on what happened during one of my last meets with someone else, where we got caught up in texting and the in-person meet sucked, I didn’t want the same thing to happen here. I wanted messaging to be kept to a minimum. I was even telling my mom yesterday that I think I was meeting this nice guy on the weekend and was looking forward to it. I suck at online dating. Any ideas?
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