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About Me

  1. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  2. Hello, I have been dating a guy (28 years old) for 3 months, he asked me to be his gf recently. He is treating me very well but he constantly follows new naked insta models. These girls are people that he cant meet obviously but the problem is I find the fact that he is following and constantly seeking out naked woman very disrespectful. Also, the fact that he told me he will only have eyes for me and I will see with time that I can trust him, but despite saying these, him following these accounts doesnt look good to me at all. I am conflicted. On one side: - I know that guys and girls can look at other people and find otehrs attractive while in relationship too. I follows celebrities and footballers that I find attractive. But I wouldnt follow D... pictures on social media especially when I was in a relationship. It would be disrespectful to my bf and I am sure he would be worried if he saw my social media activity following bunch of accounts with d... pics. I find him following naked insta models on insta totally disrespectful. And He appears as a thirsty guy in my eyes now, who is constantly seeking out naked woman (but again I dont know if this is normal for men). - Indeed, before meeting him i've always wondered how my friends or other girls put up with such disrespectful treatment. I always told myself I would never be with someone who disrespects me like that. (Plz correct me if I am being so harsh). - So, since it has been only 3 months, I am considering to end the relationship by saying something like "we are not compatible" and continue dating and choose to be with someone who wont do that. Because I think that if I try to talk to him about his social media activity, I might appear as a controling person. Also, I dont want to tell him what to do. If he is happy following these women, he should. I shouldnt be preventing him. It shouldnt be a forced decison, it should come naturally from him. Perhaps he is not done exploring? On the other hand: - I am thinking about keeping it very simple and telling him: "I know its normal for both man and woman to look at other man and woman and find others attractive but following these accounts and constantly seeking out naked woman is disrespectful." I will also tell him that I always told myself I would never put up with such activity in a relationship and see what he will say and take it from there. -- I dont know which option is better. I feel that this relationship has a potential if we could get past the insta issue. Also, the reason why I posted here is, I want to get more opinions. Perhaps, I am overreacting and being overly jealous? Perhaps I should change the way I think about the whole thing? For instance, some people might say he is a men and men are visual, so if he is loving and caring and making me feel beautiful, loved etc, I shouldnt worry about social media. But on the other hand, his social media activity is not making me feel respected. Also is it really healthy to lust over others when in a relationship with someone you claim you care about? I would appreciate your opinions, what should I do?
  3. I cant stop obssesing about my partner staying in touch with an old lover. He has been secretive about it and I've snooped his phone. He knows. I feel bad about it too but proves my fears. I wake up anxious at night. Is our relationship ruined? We have been seeing eachother for more than 2 years, we had a miscarriage right at the beginning of the relationship, the pregnancy was unplanned.. ive gotten over it and we have understood we shouldn't put ourselves in that scenario if things are so shaky. He's fantasized about having 2 partners and even though I thought i could deal with at the beginning, I realized im emotionally uncapable. I told him I couldnt and wouldnt do it. I have too many insecurity issues and I distrust my partner. He's stayed with other people in touch he was involved and says he doesn't want to be told what to do. But that he wouldn't cheat on me. He says he's not fully happy about us. Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself for it. Im trying to work on it. We've said we would try it over and over again but the fact is, i don't trust him. I have never trusted anyone in my life before as I have been hurt many times already. Weve been meditating together and say we will be sincere to each other. I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late. We've gotten to the point in which he's supposed to move to another country with me and I believe he might end up cheating me with someone who lives there from his past. I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety about him not respecting our relationship and setting boundaries with other women. I know all the theoretical stuff about how I should be behaving..., ask myself what kind of relationship do I want and try to work towards that but sometimes it feel like its not enough. Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother. How do you change something like that? Were both in our late 20s beginning 30s and he wouldnt want to see a therapist together. He doesnt want it. I feel that if we dont figure out our stuff itll just keep on happening in other relationships... am I lying to myself? Also, I know snooping isnt cool, but why is there distrust? its a reaction. Also at the same time I wouldnt have a problem with him going through my stuff because I simply have nothing to hide. I feel like I wanna have that kind of closeness. He absolutely KNOWS I wouldnt do that, in a way I feel that might be the problem. I even moved countries for him and I just feel like in a way I dont even know if he will actually move countries for ME next year. I just have so much distrust. I guess I just need some perspective. Im supposed to leave for 1 or 2 months back to my home country for a while. Very uneasy about what thatll mean... how to let go and just let things unfold without feeling like Im forcing so much?
  4. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  5. Got an Infraction. Two questions: Is it possible to know, which post (or specific passage) caused the infraction? I do not intend to challenge the verdict or otherwise defend myself. However, it is a bit hard to learn anything from it, if I have to guess myself about what exactly was considered "disrespect" in my 30+ posts. What are the consequences, I got "5 points" – what does any of this mean? Sorry, new to forums like this in general, still learning the rules.
  6. I had a very troubled longtime friend, someone who wronged me more ways than one could imagine. He was very selfish, and never kept his word. I lent him money more times than you can imagine, and he never once paid me back. He totally took advantage of me, and, really didn't seem to respect me all that much. However, we were still "close" for 25 years. In fact, he considered me his best friend. In all honesty, I didn't really consider him mine, as I had a lot better friends who treated me with respect, and always kept their word. Despite this, I couldn't really turn my back on him. I was really the only friend he had left, and, he became increasingly troubled, addicted, and suicidal. His late night calls on a work night where he was alone and wanted to end his life became increasingly exhausting. I begged him to get professional help as I was not equipped to help. He really just wanted to die. He met a girl who was also somewhat troubled, and they even got engaged. I knew it was unlikely these two people would end up marrying, but he asked me to be his best man. A couple times, he brought her over to my place, and we'd all go out for dinner and drinks, and I'd always pick up the tab. I could tell it was the nicest thing anyone had done for them in a long time, and they clearly needed a good meal and some positive energy. I didn't know his girl all that well, but she seemed like a genuinely nice person, just troubled. Apparently, she decided she'd had enough with his behavior, and, he was apparently also looking at definite jail time as his past started to catch up to him. She ended up leaving him for someone else. These things were apparently the last straw, and he took his own life. She tried to contact me to let me know about his passing, but only found my land line in the phone book, something I rarely check. By this time, I had already heard the news thru the grapevine, and reached out to her to offer my sincerest condolences as she was the one who found him hanging there. We ended up texting randomly over the next several months, as we were the only people in the world close to him. Truthfully, I actually enjoyed our talks and I found it cathartic. She wanted to meetup and talk about stuff, but I always made excuses because it felt weird to me. In truth, we really don't know each other that well. A couple years passed, and, we've had random contact, maybe once every few months via text. A few weeks ago, however, she reached out to me to see if I wanted to meetup and chill. I made up some excuse because I wasn't really up for it. I guess she just needed a friend or someone in her life to listen. I ended up responding a bit later via text, and we talked quite a bit. She told me how she felt a connection to me during one of our dinners in the past, a time when I openly expressed to them while I am very successful on paper, I live alone and don't have a lot of friends. I guess this resonated with her, me showing my sensitive side. I will admit during this conversation I had a few beers, so I was probably more open than I normally am. She expressed how she found me to be a great guy, funny, sexy, etc. In a moment of weakness, I admitted I also found her attractive which is true. I certainly wouldn't have acted on it or anything back then, but I was caught in the moment. We discussed our lives, our childhood traumas, and realized we had a lot more in common than I initially thought. I proposed we meetup and work through these things together, and, during the heat of the conversation, we both admitted to wanting each other sexually. She seemed incredibly interested and seemed extremely happy the feeling was mutual. She really likes me. The next morning, however, I realized I had got caught up in the moment, and, had offered myself in a way that would violate the bro code. You know, the unspoken code between guys that you don't hook up with a friend's former girlfriend, no matter how ty a friend he might've been. I told her we could be friends, but it wasn't cool to my (late) friend if I were to act on this. She was very hurt by this and asked if everything I said was bull. I said no, I just said it was something I couldn't act on because it would definitely lead to some problems in my life, and it had nothing to do with her or her desirability. She offered she did really like me, thought of me when they were together, and, that if she had to be with one of his friends, he would've wanted it to be with me. I started to respond less and less, and ended up ghosting for a bit. Over the last week or so, she'd started sending me extremely sexy photos of her. With captions like "here is a preview of things to come..." I will admit, she is extremely hot, and she is starting to blow my mind. I really feel like I can't act on this, but I also know she's hurt because I said a whole bunch of , admitting my attraction and then sheepishly having to backtrack. I feel awful about all this, but I really do find myself thinking about her a lot. Ugggh. Sorry, I had to vent, but I feel like the worst friend in the world. Thank you for reading this :(
  7. I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months, the relationship was really good and healthy, he treated me with respect and I did the same for him. He was always there for me, being a loving boyfriend, listening to my problems and giving me advice. The relationship I had with his family and friends was pretty good too. One day he dumped me out of the blue. He just woke up and told me that he didn’t see a future with me, and that he felt something off with the relationship for some time. Now he is back and asking for another chance. Should I forgive him or should I say no and walk away. Help please
  8. I asked my boyfriend to go to a burger/ food truck festival. Without saying anything to me, he put an invite onto his work social thread then let me know that two girls he works with would be coming. He says they will pick us up shortly after 12. I said I needed to go and move furniture at my brothers place and would be back by 12. I double checked the time before leaving l. I pull up at about 11:45 and see lots of missed calls from my boyfriend. As I go to his apartment, he comes out and says 'they're here now let's go. I tried to tell you the Change of plans but you didn't answer your phone'. OK, I went up stairs and got changed in a hurry, just as I was about to leave, I noticed a big stain on my top. As I didn't want them to wait I said 'I'll just come later'. My boyfriend turns and leaves without saying anything like 'no, we can wait'. It takes me less than ten minutes to get ready so I'm ready by 12, the originally agreed upon time. Now I'm expected to get an uber and meet them. Meanwhile he is at the festival with these two girls. We're supposed to go to a bar afterwards. To cut to the chase, I message him and say 'I'm not going because I don't want to arrive by myself and you disrespected me by leaving without me. Also, why didn't you just tell them to come at 12?'.he could see that I didn't read his messages so I thought the plan was still 12. Is this disrespectful? Also, one of the girls he went with is a flirt and I really dislike her so I felt she would have a smug look on her face when I came without him.
  9. Hi, Thanks to all who participate in this forum... it helps a lot! I am 38, male, and I am together with this woman since 2 months , and really in love with her. The time together have been super intense, with a lot of love-making(since the first date actually), cooking together, sport, 1 week holidays and basically most of our free time together (which i loved as my last relationship I suffered from her not wanting to commit and move together or spend more days together) I also did nice things for her when she needed something and she for me and live was just pure happiness. Some ago weeks she got a bit upset because i saw a photo of my friend and his girlfriend (whom i dont know) and i said "wow she is pretty" or something similar. I didnt think that it was a huge deal but she was upset. Last week we were in a small cablecar together and just in front of me was a girl, maybe around 20 and, honestly, I couldnt help to look at her as she was quite attractive. Now, I only remember it like having a few glimpses of her face but, as according to my gf, it was really obvious and she said the girl noticed and got embarrassed. (just for context my girlfriend is just as attractive or more, just in a different way) For some days all was apparently ok with my gf (though we had almost no sex those days) until 2 days ago she exploded and told me how she felt about it and left abruptly my apartment to go to hers. She says that if i behave like this in front of her and dont respect her, then she doesnt know what i do when i am alone and she cannot trust me, and she doesnt want to keep investing all this energy if the foundations are not solid... Which I get, and I feel terrible about it, and of course the last thing I want is to bother anybody or make my girlfriend feel like i dont respect her, and i will really try avoid staring in the future. On the other hand... as a man, even a man in love, i will always find some other women attractive.... and it really doesnt mean anything, i love my gf the same and i have zero desire to even talk with those other women. In all honesty, I wouldnt even recognize that other girl if we crossed on street. Any advice on how to try to regain her trust?
  10. Broke up with my first boyfriend years ago, it affected me a lot because he has a "type" and I can't help but compare myself to the new women he may be dating. We remained friends (no longer) for a while and I recall this conversation that I go over and over in my head; Him: She never texts me but I'm just trying to respect her space Me: She must be damn hot or something for you to still try and work things out despite her ignoring you for weeks like that Him: She IS hot...... I am definitely still in love with him and these thought I'm afraid are becoming crippling to my self esteem. Should I try and make arrangements to speak to a conselor about this? Has Anyone else experienced this?
  11. This is killing me. I need to know if I am wrong to feel the way that I feel. I don't mind my boyfriend hanging out with other women. We are both adults and I trust him. I don't feel like he would do anything behind my back. On Thursday, he hung out with this girl whom we shall call M. He invited me out to hang with the both of them, but I backed out due to social anxiety. I was feeling low on energy from work and I just wasn't feeling up to it. I am a bit bothered by the fact that he told her that I had social anxiety. That next day, he invited me out to hang with both him and her again. He told me that I could get out more and that being exposed to more people would get me out of my shell. Reluctantly, I agreed to go with him. That's what normal girlfriends do, they go places with their boyfriends. And usually I don't mind if it's just us, I just get a little nervous when it comes to hanging out with other people. I do it. I act normal, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't racing. So we arrive at the bar where M and her guy (gay) friend is with her (M is apparently bisexual). We all sit at the bar and we have a couple of drinks before we go to our next location. Fast forward to the issue at hand. We enter another casino, and M goes on to tell us that she had one of her birthdays here. Where she "effed" both her boyfriend and his friend. But she stayed with her boyfriend's friend the whole night instead. Okay, to each their own, I'm not judging. Then when we walked a little further into the casino and she said that she would "eff" both my boyfriend and me, and that we could thank her later. (My boyfriend said that he did not recall her saying this, which upsets me. I mean it could be a possibility because we were inside a loud area, but still..) I was put off by that in a negative way. Then THIS BS happened. She purposely abruptly stopped walking in front of my boyfriend so that he could run into the back of her. Not one, but TWICE, accompanied with a giggle and a playful "Oops! I'm sorry". Like I wasn't even standing there. I was furious, but I kept it cool because I didn't want to ruin the night. I do that all the time to my boyfriend so that I could press my butt up against him. I grabbed my boyfriend by the arm and told him that I'm being nice to his "friend" to preserve the night. My boyfriend claims that he did not remember her doing it a second time. The things he has forgotten is too convenient for me. When we got home, my attitude grew. I'm pissed because he didn't defend us. I felt like he let his trashy friend disrespect not only me, but us. He did not defend us. He didn't say anything to protect us. The only thing he said to M when she did that was " I didn't know it was going to be that kind of night..." That's not sufficient enough for me. Maybe just a simple "Hey, my girlfriend is right here." Then, what pissed me off even more, is that I felt like he was making excuses for her. I told him that it was outright disrespectful. He tells me that she probably wasn't serious and that she was just joking. That there is more than one possible reason for her actions. He didn't find her actions disrespectful at all. Then what the heck was it? I don't think it was innocent. I have refused to go out with some of my guy friends because I consider my boyfriends feelings, even when he didn't know about it. That entire night, men tried to talk to me when I was separated from the group. I never flirted, I stayed true to him. Any men that could possibly threaten what we have, I eliminate all chances of that happening. I don't feel like he did the same for me. I was so heated last night, and I feel so bad for how far our argument went, but I was just so disappointed in him. Am I over reacting?
  12. So I have a few financial ties with my dad that I’m trying to resolve. The short story here is that he advised me to contribute a ridiculous percentage of my income in my 401k to save for a house together. This set me way behind on my bills as he was pressuring me not to change the contributions and I ate up all of my liquid savings. We have a credit card together, and when I came to a breaking point for two months, he made the payment. The minimum was $30, he told me he paid $100 each time and started claiming I owed him $200. I told him that if I had the extra $60 for those two months, I would have made the overpayment myself. I clearly did not as I asked him to make the payment, and did not have an extra $200 to give him. He was essentially trying to spend money that I didn’t have as it was locked away in an investment that’s difficult for me to access. I called the credit card company today to make the October payment, and the system told me the last payment he made was $40. I texted him telling him what the system told me, and then asked why he says I owe him $200. He FaceTimes me talking in circles and saying he made the payments and I owe him money. I got fed up and said “No, I don’t. You made those ’supposed’ overpayments on your own. I didn’t ask you to or consent to it. You knew I couldn’t afford the $30 payment, so why would you pay $100?” he got upset that I said I didn’t owe him anything and started saying I didn’t make any sense, trying to make me doubt myself. Then he started bragging about the hundreds of thousands of dollars he has in his stock account and he doesn’t need me or my money. I told him that I don’t care how much money he has, and I no longer want to do finances with him. I told him I want out of the car, and I’ll pay of the credit card myself. This situation isn’t working for either of us, and it needs to end. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I told him I didn’t want to resent him. He said he he doesn’t care if I resent him or about me that much so I should go and resent him if I want because I already do. I reminded him that this is exactly why his other 4 children haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years and he has never met any of his 5 grandchildren. He said he doesn’t care about any of his children or grandchildren and hung up on me. I want out of the car with him immediately. I’m leasing an SUV that I owe a little more than $10k on, and I believe the car he’s driving that I’m financing has around $12k left. I’m thinking about returning the lease, and keeping the car, but I’m not sure how to get out of leases. I’d like to not have a car with my father anymore by the end of this week and to never speak to him again. He’s way too disrespectful, and makes me realize that dealing with the way he treats me makes disrespect from men the norm for me which is why I don’t recognize it.
  13. Quick bio Me:25 him:27 Together 5 1/2yrs with 2 month break about a year ago. So this friend of his i have always had trouble with, they have known eachother for 10 years or so and are not very close, partner has says he just feels bad for her as she has no friends so catches up with her every so often. I have caught her doing very inappropriate, boundry crossing things while i am around. Trying to give him a shoulder rub, trying to hold his hand, when she hugs him she puts her breasts in his face etc. When i pointed these things out to my partner he said "shes had a ed up past she just doesnt know what shes doing" so i had a conversation with her and informed her of the boundreys she is crossing she apologized said she didnt mean it but it kept happening. Fast forward to our 2 month break, partner became very depressed with his job, family and it all became too much he decided to break it off with me. We didnt have a big falling out i just agreed that if thats how he felt then we wouldnt be together, i packed up my stuff and left. Fast forward again to now. We spoke again after two months and spoke honestly about everything spending weeks together just working through all the crazy. He admited that he slept with this girl friend because "she was easy and there". We have worked through everything else and now are happily living together.. All except this girl, i cant get past the betrayal of him choosing that girl after all the times i told him thats what she wanted from him. Its been driving me litrally crazy, i had been checking her facebook everyday and it was getting rediculous. I deleted and blocked her. My partner has always ignored her calls and texts when we are together and hasnt mentioned her for the last year. I was finally starting to feel less crazy about this women. I went away for 2 days last thursday morning. All was great i get home sunday. I was sitting playing a video game and grabbed his phone to use the internet to look something up as mine was dead, something we both do all the time. As i was swipping through the open apps to get to the internet i see a text message from this woman with an address. I click on it and find a message from thursday afternoon that my partner had sent asking what she was upto that afternoon. My heart broke. I went and found him and just cried, the first time we have been apart for more then a day since the break and he contacts this women who he knows i have an issue with. He said he felt bad because she called him while he was driving and she gave him a sad story of how they hadnt spoken in nearly a year and she missed him. So he took her for a four wheel drive and then dropped her home. He didnt tell me because he knew how angry i would get and he didnt want to ruin my trip or upset me. I pointed out that he has broken my trust and made me suspicious when i never was before. I trusted he would not do anything with this women.. It was just her i was worried about. Now im not so sure, by hiding this from me i just dont know what to feel. I told him if he wants to hang out with her, fine. Shes his friend they have been friends for 10 years, i will not be that women that makes him choose. The only things are i will not have anything to do with her, i will not be doing any driving in regards to her and he has to tell me when they are going to hang out. I told him i respect him too much to make him choose and he said that he hates how upset she makes me, that he should respect me enough to cut her out of his life. I told him that is his decicision and i will not infulence him on that. Im just so hurt and i dont know how to move forward. I love him and i do belive he loves me too. Its not a simple situation with a simple answer :/
  14. Hi everyone, This is my first time posting and first time visiting this community. So - i have been with someone for the past 2.5 years. In the beginning things were great, but i always noticed that i felt as though he didn't always speak to me in a respectful way. Mostly getting short with me, aggressively saying my name like a parent would and kind of telling me off almost. However apart from this the relationship was really good. We spent a lot of time together and texted frequently, always telling each-other how much we wanted to be together etc. Normal relationship stuff. Fast forward to 6 months ago, I started noticing that the remarks towards me were getting pretty frequent, the texting had slowed down a lot and we were seeing each-other less and less. He has hobbies that take up a lot of (solo) time and i spent a lot of time being fitted in around this. I know hobbies are important however so i let him get on with them and actively encouraged them. In our spare time his first thought would be how to fit in his hobbies. This became apparent when he decided to go off on a solo adventure for 2.5 months over summer (we are students and have a large summer break in-between semesters). He didn't really want to go on holiday together but i feel as though i wore him down and we decided to meet in the middle. Before we met on holiday we were apart for 6 weeks. Throughout this time we spoke over text and rang each-other maybe 3 times (he isnt a big phone call person). However the texts were nothing like they should be in a relationship and i felt just like he was checking in with a friend, no miss you, love you etc unless i did and in which case he would reciprocate. One day i messaged him asking if he could tell me something nice and that he loved me because i was going through a hard time with family stuff and wanted to hear it. He didn't message me for 5 days until i rang him and he said he "hadn't come away for me to nag at him." We meet up on holiday in a beautiful destination. But i felt so alone the whole time. He was short with me, made some quite nasty remarks and i felt as though i was a burden the whole time. I left him to go home when the holiday ended and cried for about two hours, that was when i decided enough was enough. The person i was with 2 years ago is not the same person now, and he isn't being respectful. I had some time to think and had to unfortunately message him this because we still had a month of him on his trip. I said i felt unhappy, i felt he was rude and made me so upset on holiday. He said "we can talk when i'm back". I reiterated the message about 2 weeks later and got the same reply "talk when back". I won't be seeing him until next week when we are both in the same country again. We haven't spoken apart from this. I just kind of want to know whether i am making a really silly decision by ending it with someone who when the good is good, we have great times. Or whether the way its been in the pat 6 or so months is enough to be a dealbreaker.
  15. Hey, Me an my girlfriend are really happy. I love pleasing her. We don't go that far because she doesn't want to, which is fine with me i respect that. So far she is All talk meaning she will say all this dirty stuff she want's to do and then not be up to it. On one occasion she told me she wanted to give me head, so of cource i agreed, and i asked if i could give her oral first, she also agreed. When it came time unbuttoning her pants her eyes turned into a sort of crying mode, no tears just red, i stopped what i was doing asked her if she was alrite continued questioning her and then she finally said she didnt wanna do it. Now she has done this in the past and it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. When she does something like this my pride is hurt for a while and i feel like Shizzle . She gets me all worked up and then lets me down. The Shizzley feeling i try to cover it up but it just shows and i can't help it as much as i try... Another thing i should mention is she got the same way when were gonna make out at the mall but 3 visits later she did it without thought. I am very confused...is she just counting down on a clock...it feels like i am being messed with...am i???? What is the real problem here we have made out i've felt her up... she felt me up (reluctantly) and i have fingered her while her pants were on (yes my hands were actually inside her a load of times)(don't ask how) and that is it...what the heck is going on here
  16. Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.
  17. Hi, this is a very confusing situation. I love this woman I met online 2 years ago. Certain things have happened during that time. She messed up things between us, but these things are from the past, I do not care about them at all. However I have recently sent her a few emails (she was on a trip at that time) where I told her I missed her and wished we could talk more often online. She felt I was accusing her of cheating on me, and that I did not trust her, and that I was putting too much pressure on her. It has been 3 weeks now that she is angry, she says she is not, but I can sense she is. She also told me she feels that I do not respect her and her opinions and that I think I have a moral superiority over her because she messed up things in the past. This is all untrue, I love her, I respect her and like her opinions. No matter what happened in the past. I have sent her several emails where I explained things and told her that she is wrong about me, that she should not be angry with me. We briefly talked last night (first time in a week) and I could sense she was still upset with me. There has also been some misunderstanding involved and I find it really sad that she is so upset with me because of some misunderstanding and because she sort of believes that I am someone (a macho, someone that "talks down to her") that I am NOT. What should I tell her when we talk to make her feel more confident about me ? Should I continue to email her or just wait and see until she calms down ? I would really need to find the good words to make her feel more confident about me and let her know that I listen to her, and trust her. She is so convinced that I am not listening to her and that I do not trust her that I feel the only way to proove her that I am not like that is to go see her, without telling her, and explain her face to face that she has been wrong to think these things about me. What should I do ? I would very much appreciate your advices and analysis of the situation. Thanks very much.
  18. Can you help? We're Debby and Jane and we are counsellors in training. We are both personally touched by self harm and so as part of our counselling diploma we have chosen this for our presentation. Our aim is to dispel the myths and give an honest insight into self injury in an honouring way. We invite you to share your personal experience and so have listed below some questions and would be grateful if you answer any that you want to. We don't mean to be patronising, intrusive or disrespectful. We weren't sure how to go about this and are aware that our direct approach may be clumsy. With this in mind we welcome any feedback you have. Anything shared with us will be treated with care and respect. 1. Gender? 2. Age? 3. What do you consider self injury to be? 4. How long have you self injured? 5. How frequently do you self injure? 6. Are others aware you do this? 7. How have others responded to your self injury? Has this been helpful or unhelpful? 8. Have you ever sought help, medical or otherwise? 9. How long does a self injury session usually last? How do you feel before, during and after? 10. How do you know when it's time to stop a particular session? 11. Are you aware of any labels attached to you as a self injurer? 12. Is self injury helpful to you? In what way? 13. Have you ever lost a therapist because s/he couldn't deal with your self-injury? 14. Would you like to give up self injury? Please feel free to add any other information you may like to. If you would like to email us privately, our email address is debbyandjane@yahoo.co.uk, Thank you and warm regards Debby and Jane
  19. Hey, Today I was planning to ask a girl I know out to Prom. She and I sat and talked, just as we normally would, before I could muster up the courage to shoot the Q. This wasn't until the next period in school when I had decided I would ask. As I awaited an opportune moment to do so, she randomly says, " I have to find a way to fit into my Prom dress". I said, " are you kidding me", saying so because she is quite slender and physically fit. I then said, "your going to Prom", she said, "yes", so then I asked who she was going with, hoping she would say nobody, leaving me with a perfect time to ask. But then she said she was going with a certain guy, one who I know is not a quality kind of person that will respect her for who she is and also an underclass men, (she and I are both seniors). With this said, my mood dramatically dropped and I lost some self confidence. I have a strong feeling that she is attracted to me and I to her. She does stuff like the eye contact thing, laughs at a lot of stuff I say(in a sincere way), somewhat copies what I do, and smiles at me when we talk. Also, when I sit very close to her, instead of an row appart but in the same desk (seats two), she appears to act nervous, constantly playing with her finger nails, checking her phone, the clock, and fooling with her hair. Is this good or bad? Also she was wearing a skirt today, she would cross and uncross her legs switching sides while rocking her foot back and forth, is this good or bad? Any way, I'm considdering telling her that I was going to ask her to prom before she told me that she had a date, or asking her out to dinner. I don't know if I should do this, considdering that this could alienate her trust in me because she allready has a date, whom in quite frankely not up to par. I don't know how she would react if I did tell her, or ask her out to dinner, it almost seems like she was desperate accepting the date proposal from this guy, so it could be favorable or unfavorable for me. Should I tell her my inital plans to ask her to Prom, or ask her out to dinner, or should I just let her go, which is something I don't want to do. Please, if anyone has any advice, particularley any girls out there, I would be very greatful for any enlightenment on the situation. Thanks, Nick
  20. Okay, I am new here and just want to hear everyone's thoughts abou this... My husband dated this girl online 6 years ago. They never met. She actually turned out to be fake. He said he should have seen that all along, considering she sent him pictures, and all the pics she sent him were of DIFERENT people. He found several of the pics a few years later on a porn site. He says he was in denial. She also constantly asked him to send her money, which he never did. This was obviously before we met. The problem is, he still makes mention of her on his AOL profile, stating: "I have went into a dream I never want to wake up from." We have been together two years and I think it's about time he erased that. It's been SIX years since he had this cyber relationship. When I first moved in with him and he helped me set up an aol screen name, he updated his profile right in front of me. He explained that that line was about her, and he liked the quote so he was leaving it there. I didn't think too much of it then, I thought after so long of being with me he would change it out of respect if nothing else. Now almost two years later I have told him this bothers me, and he won't. He keeps saying "I don't update my profile that often." and stuff like that. I thinks thats a pretty dumb excuse. He also keeps telling me it's not that big a deal and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am very frusterated with this. What does everyone think. Do I have a right to be upset or am I just being silly? What do you think I should do? Comments please...
  21. Hey enotalone, today when I was at my buddies house, hand his brother fired off two rounds of his Dad's beretta and it was quite loud. It wasn't stock in that respect and it was louder than should be. But anyways ever since they were fired, I have a very loud ringing in my left ear that doesnt seem to go away since it started at around 4 this afternoon. Im thinking I'll sleep it off and see what happens and if stays bad I will see about seeing a doctor, but has this ever happened to anyone and if so was there anyway to help it other than louder sounds? Thanks
  22. found out my ex was seeing someone at the end of our 5 yr relationship, they are now together. Now the problem is I was doing so well to get over it I am now three months down the line have a really good life and can see that I am better off without him. BUT when we broke up he promised there was no one else 'he wouldn't do that to me' he also said he wanted to be single. Well in the last couple of weeks, I keep bumping into friends of ours/his (I haven't changed were I am going I think they have) they keep dripping small amounts of info out to me. I don't know what is true or not but I know it is bringing me down in a big way, I have asked them not to tell me but when you have had a few drinks you cant help it. I have lost all respect for him and although I don't feel upset about him being with her (I have seen them together and was even polite enough to go over and ask how they both are) I have a lot of unanswered questions which keep going round in my head. I would like to give him a call not to lecture or discuss us, but just to ask him to tell his friends to leave me alone and confirm what is true. Is this a bad idea? I have argued both sides with myself. If I see him, how do I know its the truth but on the other hand he has nothing to gain by lying anymore. I really want to just forget but I cant, I know it is none of my business what he does anymore. I would just like to know why it ended to give me full closure. Any advise is greatly appreciated!!!
  23. There is this guy that i have known throughout our school years however, recently he and i have became pretty close. We have been "talking" for about six months..and yet we are at a point where we are close but not together. He and I get along really well; we finish eachothers sentences, think along the same line, listen to the same music. He calls me twice a week and we end up talking for hours. Also this guy has a reputation for being a *butt* (as in picking on) girls and being very perverted. But with me he is more sensative and doesn't pick on me..he respects me more. He gets really jelous when i talk or ever meantion other guys and tends to eaves drop on all of my conversations. Two weeks ago, at an Studies Bowl (where everything is to be done propper and upon time) he came into my teams practice (while leaving his) and got me so we could "ride" around town...the whole time he sung to me. I was driving him home one day and it was really cold, we had the heat on and my windows kept fogging up...he kept the heat on so I wouldn't be cold and continously wiped my window off so I could see; all of this without me even asking him too. I have also had him call when his best-friend was over at his house, whom then later talked to me and told me that "he loves you, he thinks you are hott, all i hear is her...her...her"-What was up with that? Now you know, some but not a lot of what has been going on for about six-months..I guess i am really wanting to know what or why the reason is that we aren't together if we both want to pursue a relationship and what to do until then...? (sorry it is so long..)
  24. This is the most difficult thread I have written now, and all these thoughts are the very ones that cause me the most emotional pain. I truly want to know what it feels like to be loved. I am sure you say that my family loves me, but I just don't feel their love. My father worries about my mother's health. My mother worries about the stability of the family and the growing financial crisis. My sister sees my parents unability to change themselves for the better and views them with a certain degree of disrespect. Among the daily stress and growing financial problems I just don't feel loved. Why is it that my parents rarely compliment me or provide me with moral support or have faith in my abilities? How can I EVER achieve ANY goals like this? Where did my childhood go? Childhood is so simple and carefree compared to adulthood. However from growing up, I found that life isn't so simple, accomplishing simple dreams like having a stable career, a nice home, plenty of family and friends, a healthy body, self-esteem, inner peace, respect from your friends, having loving wife..etc (i.e. ideals that people measure their happiness by) is among the most difficult to gain and hold. These goals, sure people do achieve some of them, but what is difficult is achieving all of them. I truly want is a carefree life, but having a carefree life would mean overcoming every single insecurity and worry first, else this "carefree life" would be a nothing but a facade to hide all my problems. I want to improve myself, but I don't know how. Everytime I am around this girl I like, I found that I am forgetting all my worries and trying to live for the moment and try to enjoy my life. This is the main reason why I want to start a serious relationship. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved in return unconditionally. I truly want a girl that I can confide my innermost thoughts with (there isn't much people in "real life" that would do that for you). I want a girl who will give me the love and support I feel that I lack from my family and to help me improve myself. As much as I like this particular girl, I cannot burden her with all my problems, and what would truly break my spirit is that I will drive away the first girl I fall in love with by deep emotional pain. These problems run too deeply that it defines my very existence. Will I forever be made to suffer silently? Or will one day I change myself and forge a spirit that cannot be broken by any hardship? Despite these heavy issues that I feel burden my very soul, I will attempt to take a more positive perspective towards life for myself, my future and my family.
  25. I need some advice please..... I am totally devastated after my ex broke up with me. I know I should be motivated, forget all about him, get on with life, join a gym etc, but that doesn't help me in the middle of the night when I am lying awake in bed, or I see his face in my dreams which crushes my heart even more.... I find it so hard to let go, I mean really let go... I'm always looking at my phone (that never rings), a message( that he never sends), anything, I seem stuck and can't progress. I write messages but never send them because I know he doesn't love or respect me, then why am I stuck? The last time we spoke I asked him about committment, he was very defensive, said he would phone me but never did.... What's the secret? How do I move on? What's the thing that will ease my longing for a man who doesn't want me or love me? Time???? I don't see time being the answer right now. Help, please!!!! Thankyou.
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