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About Me

  1. I guess the premis is to track the number of days that I do have migraines, symptoms and severity and a search to find things that bring relief. Day one. I woke this morning with one. Once again always left sided. The left side of my head and face are numb. The sinus on my left side is in agony as well as my jaw and nose and under my eye. I am pretty unmotivated as a result even when I have a ton of stuff to do. I guess on a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the worst, the pain is about 7 so I can still deal with it. My neck and back muscles are also killing me. Only on my left side mind you.
  2. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  3. So I went to the hospital at 2:30 AM. They gave me a 30mg shot of Toradol. That only reduced it a bit. They sent me home. I took 2 Tylenol 1 and got in bed at 5:45. I woke up before 7:30 screaming in pain. My husband took me back to the hospital. This time it was another dr. He said he is sure I have Trigeminal Neuralgia and gave me another shot of Toradol 60mg. He gave me 200 mg of carbamazepine . I have to take 400 mg a day. It is an anti seizure medication that will relax the nerve. And he have me hydromorhone 2 mg for pain. They have me lined up to see a specialist. Sorry I am not making much sense I am taking 2 medications which make you very very sleepy and confused.
  4. My girlfriend and I have been having sex for about 5 months now and it seems like we can't have sex the next day after we've already had sex. It's simply too painful for her. If we wait about a week before we have sex then she's usually pain-free on the first round. We usually go at least 2-3 rounds in one night (within 1-4 hours). On the second round she begins to feel sore and depending on the severity of her soreness we can go one more round or not. The next day, if we attempt to have sex, it hurts her from the get-go. We use Astroglide, but it still hurts her. She says it feels like she has a cut inside, but she's been checked and had test run by her gynecologist and her doctor told her that there is nothing wrong with my gf. Her doctor even suggested that the pain may be a result of me being uncircumcised, but after conducting more research and consulting with my own doctor, we ruled that THAT was not the reason. Could it be possible that this is simply a result of her being sore and not being able to have sex more than 1 consecutive day? I'm curious whether there are any women out there who are unable to have sex the next day after having had rough sex the day before. It seems like if we wait one day in between, she's able to recover and have sex without pain. I feel like my gf and I are the only couple experiencing this at the moment. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks
  5. Hi there, i was with woman for a five, or eight years... Do not remember exactly how long, i am a drinker and drug addicted in the past. Now we speak with each other, and i feel like... she's listen to me. She living with her mother, we have some "dates". It hearts. I drink some for the first time after rehab last friday... kinda i am only bring her pain, and we have no sexual relationship, but im try ask her for that. and like abuser... she goes from me second time with her things, half of things for a year was with her mother. that time... i dont even have idea what should i do. i have some deals with her, kinda buiseness-on-two. Now its ruined. Go for some usual job. Waiting for anwser. Have one friend, that donet care bout it. Parants says that it all on my hands. Im in charge... thanks for some attention. Im tired of porno and have no speaking. Thinks of suicide, but hay, probably i can bring her back, or at least, do not do that harm to her&me... P.S.: Wish you good with that virus epidemia, hard times.
  6. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  7. .....so this man who had been a family friend and had earned my trust for months suddenly came up 3 days after I had a surgery and tried to push himself on me..... I held him off for a day..... he would rip off my pants and his and just thrust himself into me immediately and literally had a 10 inch penis so the pain was unbearable. He was so forceful and strong and fast that despite me not wanting it and squeeking out a "it hurts, stop stop", or trying desperately to pull myself away from his tight grip so he couldn't get himself into me so deep I was never able to get him to stop. It would hurt so bad I would scream full bodied scream and he would jump off me and act like he wasn't doing anything for a few minutes (there were others in the house) and watch the door. He'd do this for hours - two or three times a night and I'd be in excruciating pain telling him I couldn't take it anymore and pushing with all my might to try to get an arm or leg into position to stop him but he'd take it away. He put his hand around my throat strongly and tell me terrible things and look like he hated me and throw me around on the bed. I was in so much shock that this man I had trusted was hurting me so much but the way he hurt me was so bad I was afraid to do anything outside of surviving the attacks. I couldn't sleep cause he would keep me up all night and do this to me until like 8am. Then I'd have to try to work. I felt raped. I went to the gynecologist and the emergency room over and over literally every other day and they knew I was being raped and I was crying and crying whenever I could get out away from him. I was desperate to get him out of my house but he'd beaten a friend also living there recently really badly by kicking him in the head and he had weapons and randomly would talk about beating people with things...... I was terrified of him and stopping him though while he was having sex with me sometimes I'd act like I liked it because I hoped he wouldn't hurt me as bad or maybe not kill me. I won't say the things he told me while he was doing this to me but they were scary and abusive. I have never had anything like this happen to me and I'm not kid. I did not press charges even though I did a rape kit because he continued to live there and I feel it would have been too hard to get a DA to take it and win the case and maybe most importantly - I'm start terrified of him. Still. He started texting and calling me a week ago and it had been two months since I had help throwing him out and getting him out of my life. He has been almost admitting he was raping me but calling it other things and says he can't live without me in his life. I keep telling him leave me alone I'll never be your friend but I'm so sad that I 've gone back to being afraid again. I just got over some of my panic attacks at night and now they are back. I still have pelvic pain and damage it may never go away they said. He is working down the street from my house and I have to see him when I drive by. I know he knows he raped me over and over.... it's ruined so many things for me. I don't want to date or have sex and I cry when I think I'm going to see him on my street sometimes and if anyone talks about * * * * size even in positive joking girly ways. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel like the police won't help me and so I'm trying to be brave. I don't know why he is texting me again other than to try to hurt me again. I don't know if he will do worse. Does anyone have any ideas or support? I feel like I can't talk to anyone I know about this for many reasons. I feel alone. One male friend of mine tried to gt me to drive with him to the man and be there while he told him to leave me alone- I panicked and started to cry and said no. people have had such bad ideas. I will never go see him willingly. I think he could/would kill me if he wanted. He posted pics of a big hole somewhere on his facebook with signs of sharp drop off warnings when I first got rid of him. I don't know what to do.
  8. Hello all. 36 yo guy here. I've been seeing another bi guy for 3 years. The last few weeks he started seeing this girl and i quickly felt him phasing me out. He promised he would not phase me out. We've been going over this for a week. This morning i confessed my deep seated fear that every guy i know will eventually choose a girl over me, but that I was trusting him because he promised me i wasn't being replaced. He invited me over today, and his new girl showed up. He told me to leave so he could spend the night with her. He literally chose someone else right in front of me. After 3 years. After everything we went over, after all the promises he made this week. My heart is totally broken. That was the most i've ever been disrespected by anyone, especially by my best friend. I am living in his spare condo. I told him that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I sent him a bunch of messages when it first went down, which he read but hasn't replied to. I know the only option here is no contact. I know there is no point trying to go back to him, anything he says from here on will just burn me. I deserve someone who won't treat me like this. And i know how effective No contact has ... eventually.. been for me in the past. I'm here because i need help. NC is one of the hardest things, and especially with this situation because my life has grown entwined with his. This is going to be a painful month as i find a new place to live, a painful week as I start dealing with the fallout of last night, a painful day as I start to cope with the new reality and struggle to stop messaging him if he doesnt reach out after all that, or struggle to not reply if he does. I feel weak today. Please help support me. December 1st. 2020 Day 1. This is going to be so hard.
  9. He initiated the breakup citing he felt we wanted different things (him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together and we are in our late 30’s!) started fighting everyday about anything and everything. The way he handled it was so messy, one day it’s what he wants and the next day he’s unsure getting mad at me for removing my things from the apartment. Finally we go no contact for months until the quarantine hits and I reach out with a message for his safety telling him explicitly not to contact me if he doesn’t wish to discuss what happened as I felt the decision to breakup was so wishy washy without proper conversation to which HOURS LATER he replies back ignoring my instruction, filling me in on his life but not addressing the breakup either. I get pissed and confront him essentially we go back and forth where he tells me he has been avoiding processing the breakup feelings throwing himself into work and he knows how unhealthy that is but that it is too painful to process(too painful to process? It had been 6 months at this point!) that he will always love me and he also adds that he doesn’t want to “Get my hopes up” but that he hopes we can talk without hurt feelings at some point (I interpret this to mean he wants to talk but doesn’t want to deal with my emotions as I’m a very fiery personality, he’s told me several times my intense emotions make him want to run). He begs me not to get into it ‘right now’ I tell him that I am sorry for intruding on his life as it seems he wants us to move on from one another and that it won’t happen again. It has been more weeks of radio silence and I’m not sure what to do. Not wanting to get into it “right now” does that mean one day you plan on it? Or is that just BS to fend me off? I’ve been looking into attachment styles and he is definitely “dismissive avoidant” who runs from highly emotional conversations and I am “anxious preoccupied” who craves reassurance (these two types often end up together albeit their opposite characteristics). The advice is to let them come to you on their comfort terms to talk but where the hell does that leave me in the meantime? When I reached out he answered and is happy to hear from me but does not take action by his own accord to talk to me. And for those who say “just forget him and move on” I wish I could just turn this off and do that! I am not ready to let go for whatever reason just yet and am looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences...
  10. Hello, my 16 year old thoroughbred I’ve noticed stands Parker occasionally like he needs a wee. I’m very curious as to why he does this. He doesn’t do this when he is in the field only when I get him out to groom he does also stand in his stable with his bum against the wall, but yet again doesn’t do this in the field against anything. He doesn’t act like he is in any pain along his back at all, and when ridden he’s slightly stiff to begin with but he’s been this way for a while due to his age and soon loosens up after a warm up and is not always stiff to begin with. A few years ago he did fracture his splint bone but had the chip removed and had a year of no ridden work had 4 months box rest and was turned away for a further 8 months and has been sound and back in work for a year now and got 100% all clear from the vet. I just want to know why he sometimes stands parked and why he occasionally puts his bum against the wall in his stable, could this be something to do with needing his sheath cleaned?
  11. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  12. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  13. Hi all, it’s been about 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. Was a 6 month relationship, but I really thought this could be the one.. after a few heartbreaks and non-starters in my early-mid 30s. We broke up because of his recurrent feelings of doubt he has in relationships, and his inconsistency and inability to truly “throw himself into” it. He was in counselling for all this (and had started this counselling months before we met), and he was trying to work through it- so I was hopeful he could get past it. He had said I was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time etc. I'd met his family and friends etc. But it became too painful and unhealthy for me to stay. His inconsistency and feeling him pulling away was damaging my self esteem- which is already very fragile. He’s a kind, good man- and was never defensive with me when I tried to talk to him about “us”. So it’s hard for me to just write him off as a selfish narcissist etc. He wasn’t. The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. Which says it all really. But to make matters worse, it’s not a typical breakup (I guess no-ones feels typical)... two days after we split up he found out that his ex (ie the one before me, not me!) took her own life earlier the same week. Uuughh. Horrific situation for all. Messed up situation. The self centred hurting part of me can’t handle this. He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. And I hate admitting it.. but I feel totally sidelined. Like this is now “what he is getting over” and that I’ve been wiped out/forgotten like I never existed. I’m ashamed to have these feelings in the circumstances.. but I feel like a complete “nothing”. Uuughh. I’m trying to get over him, meanwhile he is getting over his previous ex whose just died. She was his most significant ex before he met me, and they had broken up 18 months before we met. I got a missed call from him last Friday - which i thought was odd (was the last thing he would do really).. and it turned out to be a mistake.. a 'pocket dial'...and on the day of his ex's funeral. Ouch. Another punch in the face. I have sent him a couple of supportive messages. But i'm having to go 'no contact' now- its too painful. The craving for external validation from him that I meant something to him is so strong right now. I feel totally worthless/nothing/insignificant/invisible/forgotten. I know I need to work from within to heal, but it's f*cking hard right now.. Any advice welcome! :)
  14. Dear all, I am seeing a guy for over 2,5 years. We had a relationship label for about 6 months but it made him so anxious that we officially broke up but kept seeing each other and were exclusive still. I know, very strange. We finally really broke up a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other for a month until he came back again. We are not exclusive now but we do see each other a lot, we hang out with mutual friends etc. He had a really rough youth, his father was murdered and he has contact with his mother even though it’s not a normal mom-son bond. It is clear he has a lot of unresolved issues and I see that most of the time he cannot help him self, his system is just as it is because he literally doesn’t know how to do different. He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing in front of his friends, even though I am the sweetest and most loyal person he has even known. Sometimes he sits down with me and tells me how much he loves me, that I have every reason to leave him forever and how it is possible that I am still here for him after all he has done. I am too understanding, I see so much trauma in him and I don’t take the way he is treating me personal but that is wrong. I am not being sweet to myself by allowing him to cross my boundaries every time. We fight like we are in a relationship even though we are officially not because he is too scared. I had an abortion last week. He came with me to the procedure and I counted on him being there for me that day. He told me he wanted to go to a festival afterwards, I became upset and told him that I needed him afterwards. He started yelling at me that everything always has to go my way, that I cannot force him to stay with me and that I always make so much drama. I started crying, I was about to have an abortion and here he was yelling at me that he wanted to go to a festival. I never did this ever before and I scared myself, but I was felt so misunderstood and so lonely that I slapped him in his face. How dare he talk about wanting to go to a festival and yelling at me before having an abortion. Slapping him is not okay, I know that. It did make him calm down though and he stayed, he sold his ticked. After the procedure I was in pain and felt incredibly sad and all I wanted was a hug from him. I came out the clinic and he was waiting for me. He asked how I was doing and a few minutes later he said if it was possible I would go to my mom because he felt forced to stay with me for the rest of the day. At that point, I was still feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthesia and I was still in pain from the procedure. I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I was still processing the abortion and him telling me he felt forced to take care of me trying to ship me off to my mom broke me. I was extremely upset, I couldn’t even stand anymore and I sat down crying hysterically in the middle of the side walk because I felt so incredibly sad, hurt and lonely. He said I needed to act normal and pulled me up. We did go to his house but I still needed to go to the pharmacy on my scooter to get antibiotics. I did not feel well to drive my scooter but I had to, to get my medication. He took the subway. I got the medication and when I came back to his place he did not say a word to me. He did not ask how I was feeling, he did not ask if he could get me something to drink. I told him if it was possible for him to show me some affection but he got very angry. He said that I should be happy that I could stay with him, that he was being way too sweet to me, that I forced him into staying with me and that I was exaggerating about my physical and emotional pain about the abortion. We got into a huge fight again but it became so much, I just couldn’t fight anymore so at one point I became quit until he started hugging me again. We spend a few hours together which were nice. In the evening he suddenly became angry again without no apparent reason, he just suddenly told me that he felt really unhappy today about how everything went and that I treated him poorly and unfairly. He basically kicked me out of his apartment and slammed the door in my face and afterword’s we shortly spoke on the phone that he needed me to back off, that this was too much for him and that he doesn’t want any contact for a while. I told him how sorry I was for slapping him, I sent him flowers with a card and an apology but he said that it was too much and that I need to distance myself from him. (Apparantly he feels suffocated? I was only trying to show him my regret for slapping him – I felt like an apology with flowers was the right thing to do). I am completely at loss, I just had an abortion which I still need to process and he suddenly doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Did I really act horrible? What do you think I should do?
  15. As I said in some previous posts, my ex wanted to be friends but it was too painful for me because I'm still in love and she's not. So as advised by some of the good people on this site, I broke that off with her but said she should get in touch if she ever considers reconciliation. That was four days ago and I still have much grieving to do, but every day is a bit better. My question is: why was it a good idea to leave the door open for her? Why is it a good idea to allow her to think I'm hers for the taking if/when things don't work out for her in the dating world? My gut tells me it's the right thing to do, my heart hopes to hear from her again someday, but my brain says I'm a real dumba$$.
  16. I apologize in advance about my ramblings. I broke up with my bf because I feel like friends who love each other. I should mention he is my first bf and first love. I care for him greatly. But I wasn't attracted to him anymore in a romantic way, no spark as they say. I tried so very hard to make it work. To say it's all in my head, you're being crazy for about a year now. But that only sent me into a downward spiral of depression. I knew the truth but denied it. I guess I hoped I was crazy and things would change/get better. but they didnt, I knew it would be hard and hurt but it had to be done. It's not fair to either of us to continue like this. But why does it hurt so much? Is it because hes my first everything? I know they say first breakup/love/relationship is the hardest but d.mn. at the same time I truly do know this is the right thing, I'm sad and hurt but also i feel a weight has been lifted(not quite relief but close maybe similair?) and itll get easier but why is it this way? Anyone else experience this? I guess I just need to talk to someone.? Yes I did post another thread on if I should breakup with him. I guess I wanted advice? I knew/know I had to do this but wanted others opinion? I dont know.
  17. Hi All, Long-time user, first time poster under 'Divorce Advice'. Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I'm 30 and she's 29. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below. Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part. She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive. Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point. This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards. Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard. I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.
  18. Hey guys, as many of you know, I lost both my parents in 2014. My dad fell, and died from a blood clot in his brain and my mom from lung cancer, or so I thought. A few days ago, my brother told me that my mom's death was not actually due to cancer. Oh she was terminal, in the hospital and it was only a matter of tme, but what happenrd was she told the doctors to disconnect her feeding tube (which was her choice) and she died of starvation. She had told my brother she was in so much pain, did not want to live like that, in so much pain knowing it will only result in death anyway, so asked the doctors to disconnect the tube. She also wanted to be with her sister, my aunt, who had died five years earlier, from cancer. After they disconnected the feeding tube, my dear mum died around a week later. I'm tearing now writing this, I'm not sure how to process this. Would this be considered a form of suicide? I just feel so bad learning this now, almost five years later, my brother assumed I already knew. My mom and I had our issues, but now I just want to give her a big hug and tell her I'm sorry she was in so much pain (physical and emotional) and tell her I love her; tbh I did not do much of that while she was alive. I often feel like dying myself sometimes hoping to embrace both my mom and dad again. Any words of support would be helpful, thnx for listening. :)
  19. My ex (of a year) broke up with me 6 days ago because he isn t ready for a relationship and is moving away next year because he is deployed elsewhere (he is in the military). He said he still loves me but realized it isn t as strong as it used to be the past few weeks and knows he might regret this decision because I am perfect to him but decided it was best for us to part because he thinks I deserve better than him. I said ok because I don t want to be with a person who is unsure of this relationship. We both cried but moved on with the breakup. But then he sent me multiple snaps of him in clothing I bought saying he loves it, and sent me a message asking how I was doing a 5 days post breakup, calling me his little one etc. So I answered that it was too early to have this contact and I was trying to overcome this and rebuild myself but i need to stop feeling this pain all of the time in order to do so. That I cared about him a lot and that I would be the one recontacting him when I was ready. Sent the message and he replied super coldly: "Ok I understand." However I realized I still want to get him back one day.. But first I want him to realize what he lost. But I love him a lot. Did I sabotage my chances of getting back with him through my message ? Will he move on because I said that or will it struck his ego ? What is my next move ?
  20. Hi All, I'll give you a bit of a background first. I met my girlfriend almost 4 years ago and she is the nicest and most genuine person I have ever known, she is the perfect partner and I can see a long life with her. Previous to meeting her I was single for a good 4 years. We both have young children from previous that get on amazing well. She moved her life to be nearer me and fully committed herself to our relationship. Rewind 3 years from now and I did the worst thinkable thing to our relationship, I was unfaithful twice within the first year of dating, owning up to kissing at the time but held back the full extent of what happened. I was very selfish to commit these acts being very drunk (I know this is no excuse) I would never go out to hurt her and hate myself for doing so. I went to a counselor straight after I messed up the second time and made changes to be a better person, in the last 3 years I genuinely feel a lot more mature and in control of myself, a little bit too late maybe. We were at the stage where we were discussing marriage and children so I couldn't keep this secret from her any longer, so I confessed recently and she had the obvious reaction like it happened last week. I read so many places that the best option was to keep these secrets from her as it will only bring her pain, confessing the full details has likely ruined everything. I hate myself for the pain I have caused her and for not giving her the full truth at the time 3 years ago. Within the last good 3 years we have been solid and bought a house, moved in together and have lived a really happy life with a bright future. I know I will never hurt her again and I am not the person I was back then, she will not trust me again and is likely to leave. I deserve everything I get for my mistakes early on, is there anything I can do to save this relationship?
  21. Hello guys, so recently I been doing really good. I don’t cry anymore and I actually been feeling better about everything. I’m going to start school really soon, which is exciting. So yesterday my brother got married and I invited my friends to come and celebrate with us at a bar and they were excited about it. So, when we got there they called me and told me they didn’t like the music so they went to another bar and just told me to have fun. I felt a little upset but do I really have a reason to be. I don’t know why I put myself into this funk and just think everybody is just going to walk out my life. I been feeling like being alone is the best option because I don’t want to feel pain anymore. What do y’all think? I’m I thinking wrong ?
  22. I met this girl little over two years ago and we have been broken up almost a year now ,when we met we really hit it off and within a month of knowing each other we were together ,we were together a week and then disaster struck , her parents didnt like the idea of both of us being together given the fact that i was 2 years older .They wanted us to end the realtionship at that moment but we both really liked each other and continued it (dumb I know).Over the year we were together we saw each other very little so mabey this is why I have her labeled as perfect in my head but I dont know. Now when I say she was perfect I mean she was perfect. Very very cute and her personality was amazing , the nicest girl I have ever met to this day ,looked out for others more than herself and always treated people with respect .Never put me down once and always complimented me back and was so generous that she even paid for one of our secret dates once with the little money she does get .Always there for me when I needed her and I tried to do the same the best I could .I loved her to pieces but then summer time rolled around and we barely saw each other and I was having very bad issues personally and fell into depression. I was a shell of my former self and she tried everything to help me but I was bad , really bad as to the point where I had numbed myself out with a video games addiction , i regret video games ever coming into my life .It has ruined my confidence( so bad that i cant talk to girls anymore) and even I believe led to the downfall of the realtionship. It has been almost a year and I still live in regret to this day (we were bound to break up anyway due to the parents not liking me) I guess in looking for a way to help with the pain and constant loneliness I have deep inside ,it has been almost a year and I still have not got over this girl .I saw her the other day with her new boyfriend and my heart dropped. Also Im not the best with girls as I am extremley akward am, ugly ,unconfident, skinny, (almost annorexic level) and dont know how to talk to girls. This breakup has destroyed my confidence even more
  23. Hey guys, I know that experiencing heartache is not easy. All of us go thru to it and i wanted to start a thread as to what would be the most positive thing you did to yourself to heal from a break up? Last time I got my heart broken, ive lost 20 lbs and started to feel confident about myself. Im going thru another heartbreak again and this time i wanted to focus on my school which i will be starting next week. I have been reading books again and the last one i read was the subtle art of not giving a . I will still continue to go to gym and improve my diet by limiting carbs and chips. ThereÂ’s still a lot of things that I wanted to do but the most important thing i thought of is to be kind to myself.
  24. I am hurt, I mean devastated that my S/O left me for someone that is a public drunk. 14 years of what exactly? I can't concentrate, and I have 3 beautiful kids that need me to be mom and I'm scaring them by crying. I just don't know how I lost myself in this mess when I thought we were doing just fine. He doesn't even want to see me because I asked if her son was his son. I mean why can't I ask if you are suppose to be with me right? I talked to him yesterday and he just said it out loud I don't want to be with you and continued talking about a new career move like I was suppose to accept that life is good for him. We meaning my kids and I are hurting like hell. Just how can a man be so cruel to his family for one woman. Just how can you leave and think that we are suppose to be okay with this crap. I feel like I am dying from this type of pain right now. He said that I was too independent and that I can handle everything on my own. Even if that is true, who in the world wants to do this by themselves. I did not plan to be a single mother with 3 kids. I put on a mask when I'm around others but to be honest, the past month has me slowly fading from who I am. I don't want to be depressed or angry or bitter because of a breakup. I just want my family back. Is it so wrong to keep a family together. I just did not see this coming at all and I just can't get this agonizing pain to leave me alone. Why start a family if you knew that this is not where you wanted to be. I don't want to hear sad songs, love songs, or any songs. Tv is out of the question, and I have no energy to tend to myself or my kids. This is not how I want to be at all. I know some people do not love as hard as I do and will say just move on but it is easier said than done when you have given your life and love to someone for 14 years. I really love him and I am unbelievably distraught that my home was not a happy home at all.
  25. Disjointed thoughts, rambles and some cliches in the middle: Many years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship. It was a few years during my most formative years that took decades out of me. This person degraded me on many levels and I went through hell. My closest friends and family know parts of the story, but what I think no one really knows was that I forgave what this person did to me (on an emotional level, not on a "lets get back together/lets talk" level I blocked and deleted this person from my life ever since and don't want to ever interact with them as I know he's toxic not only to me but to everybody. It's not important to me that he knows that I've moved on from the pain and don't hate him) much quicker than I forgave myself. What is there to forgive? There is the pain and sometimes "shame" of our choices to be with that person and not having self respect, it's the pain I caused to my family and friends with how self absorbed I was and how I treated them. It also took me a long time (and I'm still on my way) to forgive other things that came after when I took I deep look at myself. I had times in my life where I was selfish, self absorbed, had victim mentality and was even manipulative towards other people to get what I wanted. No, I don't consider myself abusive nor have I used people for material purposes, BUT I used people to feel validated. I used people to get attention. I helped people expecting something in return from them (love, attention, validation) instead of being truly selfless. I did things that weren't honest to myself just to put on an image. I fished for compliments. I strung people along just because I wanted to feel loved. I used my past (the abuse and other things that happened) to justify some of my bad actions or to play the victim expected to be coddled and excused. I was toxic to myself, I hurt myself, I didn't respect myself. I'm not proud. I many times didn't value the people who really valued me and were there for me, because I wanted to get love and attention from other sources. I "used" people to either fulfil my self prophecies and prove my "woo me" points or to re-enact situations of my past and try to rectify them in the present with people who had nothing to do with it and were unaware that they were "re-enactments" to me. I blamed people for not corresponding to my expectations or to not treat me as I wanted them to treat me. I blamed others for my shortcomings. I was immature pretending I was mature. I guilt tripped people on some level. I pretended to me a certain way expecting to please people. I was (and still fight not to be) a people pleaser not because I'm genuinely nice, but because I wanted people to like me. I wasn't following my truth many times. My path to become a better person had (and has) many twists and turns. Of course much of this I did unconsciously of what I was doing and it was things that I did over the years. But taking conscious of our actions and specially, our true intentions behind our actions is a brutal process. It's painful to see yourself for real, the beautiful and the damaged. I didn't know better, or even when I knew, I didn't have the strength to do better. But when we go through that process we gain great power... the power of truly gaining control over ourselves and our actions. But "with great power comes great responsibility" they say. And it comes... because now we really have to put thought into our true intentions and it hurts on a deeper level when we fall back to these patterns or when we don't act truthfully. Conscience hurts but at the same sets us free. It's brutal... it's uncomfortable. And only more recently I truly began to forgive myself and to try to be a better person just for the sake of being a better person and not because I want to SHOW I'm a better person or make people like me. Something that the user catfeed wrote in one of my threads struck me forever. It was about not letting the "hurt/traumatised child" of our past take control of our adult self. Regaining our control and truly take responsibility. It took a while to put it into practice. It takes effort and sometimes I slip. Forgiving is hard and even if we can't right now it's ok, it takes its time. We're all on different paths with different obstacles and lots of ups and downs. It's ok not having done better or known better in the past. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to try many times until we get it right. It's ok to have twists and turns along the way. It's ok if what was important in the past is not important anymore. It's ok if it hurts too much right now. It's ok not to be perfect and realising that opens our heart to true compassion for others and their struggles. You already got here, whatever "here" is for you... and that's amazing. We cannot change what happened in the past, only what we do with it. Never think you "got there", we're always evolving, but also realise that sometimes you've got much further than you thought. Every repetition of our patterns is a chance to learn the lesson, to see the same core situation through different perspectives, to do what we know best to get to the next. Do I always practice what I preach? Not always, but my goal is to do so more and more. One of my favourite movie quotes is "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path" (Matrix)... it hits me because more and more that's my life mission. I want to truly be more genuine day by day and to forgive myself little by little.
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