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About Me

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  1. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  2. In my opinion...online. If you have met the girl in person and one day she wakes up and says to herself, "Gee, I am going to break up with my boyfriend." and then she does it, it is a rather sickening and horrific way of getting rid of you. Sadly in some cases there isn't a choice. This has happened to me nearly a year ago but I know friends both male and female who are victim to this. I think the worst thing is it seems easy for them. They do not see the pain in your eyes when you are told the news. They cannot see your facial expression to see how much it affected you. They cannot see the torture you have just endured for that second you read that note. They cannot see how all of your hopes and dreams have been wiped off the face of the earth and so has all of your efforts of being with that person. It is a horrible way to die and trust me, I feel for you guys out there because I been there and I would rather be lonely for good than to even imagine what the dumper is thinking in their mind. It appears so horrible for the fact that this person APPEARS to have put no effort into getting rid of you. I seen chickens receieve a better ending than that. So what ways do you think are horrible ways to go out? Let's hear some experiences and get the loads of crab dung off our chests.
  3. I have gone through this before. Im on my 4th breakup with my ex. But the worst feeling in the world is having feelings for someone who no longer wants to be with you, hang out with you, see you or call you. It happened suddenly, I was not expecting it. I feel lots of pain, and though I wont do anything stupid the impotence is so much that I just wish I was dead in order not to feel this. Help me cope please. I miss him and want to move to his city and do anything posible to make it work again, but I know he has blocked me out and that there is absoultely nothing I can do to change it. I think of him every day, all the time. Pleople are getting sick of me, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind and make him love me. Help me please
  4. Hi guys. Well summer is coming up soon and I want to be confident when I go to the beach. Right now I'm not, I am about 6 feet and 214 pounds. My body is pretty well porportioned except that my tummy is pretty big. It's been big basically all my life, and I actually as embarrassing as this may sound 'suck in' constantly? Like throughout the day when I'm outside or around other I suck in my tummy so it looks a lot flatter than it actually is. I don't know if it's normal but I can go through a whole day with my tummy sucked in without feeling a bit of pain or strain. ANYWAY, yeah. I want to flatten my stomach, as fast as possible. I do not have access to a gym though... What can you guys suggest?
  5. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I told her about my general life and the rules that I've implemented, she inturn said that I am only building walls. She said "I think my rules will protect me but they are just the excuse to hide and shut out the rest of the world." Do I not have the right to protect myself? And is it not my right to chose the kind persons I want to have relationships with? How I see it, is I have a few standards and they have to be met, not all of them but most and my rules just narrow down my search. I honestly dont think I am shutting anyone out just the people to whom the rules apply. I do believe that there will be situations where my rules should be discarded but until then, they my life is governed by them. My friend argued that my soul mate may fall short by my standards or will I may never find anyone at all, to which I replied "I dont believe in one mate but a soul mate network. Instead of having just one perfect mate for you, there are many personalities that suit your character." If you think you've found your soul mate I'm happy for you but I've met at least four persons I could call soul mates and I'm not with any today. I just want to know, do anyone think its wrong to set a few guide lines about what you desire, do you believe its a way of masking my pain from the past?
  6. I see you everyday, And remember how it was, I'm trapped within inertia, You went off with him, Not thinking about me, I couldn't give you enough, Why can't it be like before? Before you left me, Before you brought the pain, Now you're alone too, I still long for you, I wonder whether you want me, Always talking and flirting so incessantly, But do you just want to bait me? As you learnt recently, There's so much you don't know about me, I'm the mysterious good-looking man, Why? Why do you torment me? So incessantly…
  7. This past year has been the hardest of my life. I feel like the world is judging me, almost condemning me. I feel I am all wrong for the world. Sometimes even the responses here make me feel worried about myself, that I am too this or that....and that I destroy everything I touch. I have never had as much intense pain as I have experienced this year. There have been nights when I have thought so strongly about suicide that I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I have gone to counsellors, doctors, am on medication, but it seems like my soul is crying out...and that no pills or doctors can tend to what is going on with me...on a soul-level. What it is seems so simple...to love and give love. I try to practise this daily. I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....I long for the pain to cease...but it seems like such a part of my soul now. My chest hurts so much at night...I have never felt this way before, but the pain has caused my chest to constrict, and it hurts to breathe. I feel so warmly toward people, and I believe in romance, passion, love, honour, dignity....I love beautiful poems, art....I appreciate kind words...sometimes when a customer smiles at me or compliments me, I feel so grateful....this kind gesture means so much to me. But at home I feel so lonely....the apartment is so silent.......It seems I am so careful with people, not to hurt them or come on too strong...I am careful to be myself, to show my appreciation and love. I just pick the wrong ones...the ones that hurt me. I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me. I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........ I just needed to write this....If anyone can understand and write back....thank you.....
  8. hey everyone well about halfway through last year i wanted 2 live with one of my 3 sisters because i wasnt happy with the area i was living in and i was really depressed. anway so they all gave me false hope and led me to believe it was ok to move with them then changed their mind. i never really opened up to them until i was led to believe i was getting out of here and then i started to. the funny thing is not one of them apologised for doing that. im not hurt at the fact i couldnt go but the fact they led me to believe i could and then burst my bubble. ive tried to tell them how much it hurt but they just said your only 16 and i dont want you 2 be my responsibility. the funny thing is if the situations were reversed id still take them in even after the pain they caused me. so basically i forgave them i dint 4get wat they did and accepted i got 2 more years in this hole. but now its 4th week of school and i get depressed for no reason sometimes but other times i feel fine all i want to know is does anyone know a way i can stop these random depressions. and how can i stop it
  9. I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...
  10. Lastnight I got really upset and I need advice, comfort and suggestions regarding my situation. First some background...my bf broke his leg about four weeks ago. He's very athletic and usually is always moving and full of energy. He had surgery about three weeks ago and ever since has been stuck at home most of the time bored out of his mind with not much to do. At first I started to realize he was cranky more often and not very cheerful like he usually is. It's lately and especially yesterday that are really starting to concern and hurt me. I went to his place yesterday evening and he wasn't overly affectionate. Didn't think too much of it but by that night everything just went downhill. He didn't want me near him (he's not in pain anymore but depressed) at night, told me he doesn't feel like having sex anymore, doesn't want me close to him, and was all around totally aloof with me. I asked him why he never tells me he loves me anymore and he said, "Why should I say it if I don't feel it." That was the most HURTFUL thing that came out by that point and I unfortunately began to cry. I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm not even dating him. He has no desire to call me anymore, and said he doesn't even really care if I come over not. I feel SO rejected all the while he tells me that I'm making too big a deal over this, that it's because he's focused on his leg and that I'm not his number one priority right now-his injury is. I could understand if it was because he's in a lot of pain but he isn't-just depressed from having no motivation after being stuck at home for the last month. If someone could please tell me what to do with this situation and how I can best handle it PLEASE let me know-my heart feel so heavy right now.
  11. I have a job which is full of stress, and have been struggling with the torrible pain in my back -for 3 months now- which hurts whenever I sit. The problem is this does not stop, I have gone to a series of doctors, all of which said a different thing, some said do not do any sports and some gave me some small exercise. So I began to do exercises, but whenever I get down, the terrible pain begins, than I began to get more depressed, and then comes the vicious circle!! I have realized that my mental situation affects my body immediately but I don't know how to get out of this circle? Any advice on how to reduce stress? or how to cure this pain is welcome, and let me add that I am not that kind of a person who enjoys going to a club, a sports activity or stg. like that, in other words I really don't know very well to make myself feel relaxed..I only like to have a walk on my own, but I am not sure whether it is good for my back? or makes it worse? Please help, I am starting to think that I am like those old old people who alwys speak of their pain!!
  12. Yeah this is somee thing deep down something that people i know whould never hear me say hell some don't even think I have more emotions then the basic need to have sex nothing more then a player well heres my heart for the world to see, problems and all. feel the pain slice at your heart no more then what you think is real every one sees a face you wish you were but your not your a little scaried boy wishing to go back to a time where everything was simple no pain, misery, or hate a time of joy, happiness, and love where has that time gone? everyone is at everyones throat no one loves any more sex is just sex no love an empty promise to fill a moment is any one out there? help we just lose or meaning. take the stroke the stroke of caring? screw it take the quick road the last road the end road. ..................... .......................
  13. One of the hardest things to deal with after my break up was realising that the happiest moments of my life had become meaningless, unbearably painful, even. That's probably the hardest thing to conquer... Another was that absolutely everything I did or wanted to do to get my mind off of her actually reminded me of her. I couldn't watch certain movies that used to be comforting, because I associated them with her. I couldn't read certain books. Even certain parts of the house became too painful to bear. Certain words, phrases, references... they could make me sad for seemingly no reason at all. And it's amazing how often these things do come up in the course of a day. It does get better. After more than 2 months, I still have many bad days, but there are also many days when I can happily and comfortably watch those films, read those books, even think about the most beautiful day of my life -- the day we met -- without worrying that the pain is going to kill me. It's sad, now, not painful. Sometimes the pain returns, but not as it used to be. It still gets pretty bad at times, especially when I start wondering what she's up to, and if she's found someone else. If I start waiting for her to call, I know I'm going to be miserable. So I try not to do that. Strangely, I find that I still love her as much as ever, but at the same time, the pain is fading. I was afraid that when the pain faded, the love would fade too, but that hasn't happened. Quite the opposite, even...
  14. Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.
  15. Hi everyone, I have this lump in the centre of my wrist (on the top side of my hand) which is causing me a bit of discomfort. I am unable to move my wrist very far in any direction without experiencing pain in the middle of my wrist around this lump. I have had this twice before and it seems to go after about a week (last time about a month ago), i think it may be caused by using the computer too much. I cannot use the computer less as i need it for studying! I did a bit of research and found something called "carpal tunnel syndrome" but the descriptions of that refer to a different area of the wrist. I was wondering if there is anybody who can offer insight into what it is and give advice on how to stop myself getting it again. Is it anything to be worried about, should i see a doctor? abcd1234
  16. hi my name is teri and im 21 years old- i have been suffering from social anxiety and boredom ever since i can remember. then at age 11 i developed epilepsy. i feel like i cant communicate to any1 and i hate the pressure i get from my dad most of all but i cant live without him either. both of my parents are diabetic. i have no family or friends. its impossible for me to make friends since i suck at everything. i constantly have suicidal thoughts and i cant make it goaway. i hate being at risk for every disease like cancer and diabetes- it runs in the family. its bad enough that i wear thick glasses and i have hair loss. ive had to drop out of school because of this. i feel like exploding. if any1is suffering like me or going thru social anxiety, please feel free to email me at email removed
  17. ok i have a question, ive been cutting for 6 years and it helped give me release and made the pain go away. lately it isnt doing anything. im not getting release m not getting the rush just a mess and nasty scars. why has it stopped helping with the pain?
  18. It's a pretty dumb question because it can't be answered, bu still. Life sucks! I have thought about commitng suicide since I was 12. I started geting depressions when I was 16 and havn't had real friends since and girlfriends is only sometihng others have. My father is insane, he tried to commit suicide when I was still a baby and gets pills to stay away from bad thoughts. My fathers father hang him self soon before I got born and more in my family has bad mental problems. It has not been found out why we feel like we do and that sucks. Pain that you can't explain. I cut my self, hits the wall, listen to sad music, drown my pain and thoughts in alcohol. Bla bla bla. I whine and have a lot of selfpitty. Life really sucks, so why is it so hard to end it? Because I am standing in greyzone. Life also gives me good things like the beauty of sunsets, Jazz and blues. I don't believe that a shrink can help me. What I need is some good friends, a girlfriend and some drugs to keep the dark clouds away, because they always ruin everything. I think of death as peace. When you are dead you don't excist any more. By the way, if you have never excisted, can you then be dead? I don't expect life to be easy, but I don't understand why life has to be that painfull, that lonely, just that way. Why?
  19. Soft and alluring Your touch couldn't be more...welcoming Keep me here, Begging for more Your kisses, A wet warmth I've longed to taste You've crept inside A broken part of me Gently scraping up the pieces Of a past long pushed aside Shattered and alone I sat inside the shell, Of a hollow being Too scared to reach out To feel a warm embrace You found me there, Lying prone to the world Trapt inside a cage Of the pain I could no longer stand to feel You approached me quietly, Reaching past the bars Your hand patiently waiting For a touch of compassion Reluctantly I grasped your hand, Afraid to be pushed away You smiled knowingly, As I gazed into your eyes You saw a resemblance long desired An understanding of the scars Held deep inside We sat there for awhile, Holding eachother's hand Silence sincere To our mutual understanding I reached inside my pocket, Feeling for a cold comfort Of the key I've long kept Buried deep inside To my surprise, I handed the key to you The key to the many locks and chains, Entwined around my heart shaped cage As I whispered slowly in your ear I think I'm falling for you... -Amie
  20. Hey there I am gettin married on the 3rd of Sept My periods is due around that time...ouch My last cycle started on the 6th of Sept. I usually have a 30 day cycle...and have a slight pain in my right breast. But unfortunately, I got my pain today. Is there a way I could postpone my period naturally. I have tried some drug before and the subsequent cycle was very painful. So I would like to avoid drugs if possible. Also, if drugs is the only choice, do I get one OTC? Help me!!!!! Thanks, Mia
  21. So I've been interested in being able to do the splits recently. My girlfriend and I want to become more flexible for health reasons, and for each other. We both would like to see each other be able to do the splits (I think it's unexplainably stimulating to see a girl doing the splits, and my girlfriend experiences the same feeling). Anyway, I've been at it for about 2 weeks now. I've made progress doing various stretches involved in doing the front and side splits and stretching my lower body in general. All is going fairly well, but I feel as though I'm getting diminishing returns in my stretching and I'm not sure if I should push harder, try something else, etc. In particular, my groin has been a trouble area (in the gracillis and adductor longus -- I've done my research, heheh). See these sites for images of those two muscles: link removed link removed I think I've injured one of these before, so I stopped stretching as it was very painful for some reason. I must have pulled something. This time around though, I've had a little pain, but I've discovered something new. When I stretch, and feel an INTENSELY firey burn, what I thought was bad for me before, turns out to be what's actually training the muscle to stretch more. As I said before, in the groin area is where I feel this the most. Sometimes I can feel it in the quads, hamstrings, and some various other places. So as I was stretching my groin attempting to do the side splits (I'm about 8 inches from being able to get all the way down), I felt this pulling sensation. It kinda made me jolt and get back up a little bit, but I finished the stretch. As I stood up and walked around a bit, it felt somewhat painful, so I started looking at what exactly was hurting. See above the links of the adductor major and the gracillis. So what I did was get into the "butterfly" stretch position (where you put your feet together while sitting on the floor with your knees out to the side, and you pull your feet toward your groin, and began feeling around for the gracillis. I found it and while it was tense from the position I was in, I pressed firmly on it with my thumb in 2-3 different places for 20 seconds each. I felt that intense burn I was talking about above, and it feels nearly perfectly all right now. There's a strange sensation I have at the ends of my muscles (probably just because I've never been this flexible and stretched for 10 years at least), but there is no pain. Woohoo! Anyway, I guess what I'm really after is any confirmation that what I've been doing is the right thing (especially with the really intense burn). It seems to be working, but if something seems heinously wrong, someone yell at me for being dumb. I want to be able to do the splits, and I'm feeling very good in the legs, being more flexible and all, but I don't want to be a cripple because of it : ) Check out this website for a fairly comprehensive guide on how to get into the splits. It works somewhat, but I've been finding techniques on my own that seem to offer more leverages for certain stretches. link removed By the way, I'm a 20 year old guy, about 6'1", 165 lbs. in case that inspires anyone who might say "I'm just not built to be flexible." I'm pretty sure after the progress I've made, that anyone can be flexible.
  22. I want out of my relationship so bad. I am so scared. I am scared to leave because my bf is so violent. I'm scared that he will hurt my family if I leave him. The only way out is for me to hurt myself. I can't take the pain and abuse any longer. I just want out and I don't see any other way to do it.
  23. I'd like to hear some thoughts on this idea. How long is too long to wait for a real commitment in a relationship? Yesterday I had to say one of the most painful goodbyes to my long-distance boyfriend... I may not see him until September and seeing him off was absolutely horrible. We've been together for two and a half years, which have been mostly long distance. Until last August we were only 3 hours apart, now we are a 13-hour plane ride apart. Anyway, I digress. This painful goodbye got me thinking... how long is too long to wait for engagement or marriage? Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about breaking up with him or pushing the marriage issue. We're both still young and he's still in college so it's not an issue yet. But his sister just got married a few months ago. I've heard of couples being together for 10 years with no engagement plans or anything. I've also heard of people being engaged for 8 years... That's fine if that's what the couple wants, but it's not what I want, and I suspect that many others feel the same way. I'm not looking for answers to my situation here, I'd just like to hear your thoughts on this subject. So what do you think? How long would you wait for a long-term commitment such as engagement or marriage? Thanks for your thoughts!
  24. it seems like i always set my standards a little bit too high, want something that is hard to attain...then go on to ''obtain it '' , but then get hurt . its really pathetic that i set myself up alot. i kind of know whats going to happen ..but my lust takes over and i go for it anyway. and don't really care until im feeling the pain...im trying to snap out of this ...but yet here i go again... how can i snap out of this one for good..i have my moments when im just like " nah i got this ..im better then this" then there are times when i can't stop thinking bout ppl....sigh...any advise hit me up , thanks
  25. I know better. I know better. please forgive this long post; i need a reality check from you people! I know better. Seriously, I really do know that when someone says "I'm confused." they mean "I'm so confused I cant even be trusted to be kind and honest in this situation, and I don't know if i Love you anymore and you should run for your life unless I come to your house someday bang on the door and say I'm no longer confused." but I am really going in for the long version on pain here. we had a great time, then we had a bad time, then we fought, then i told him on thanksgiving i thought it wasn't working, then i went away for 2 weeks, foudn out that before I had even gone away, he had posted an online ad -- a personal ad--he said he was just clowning around with friends, which is absurdly immature (he's in his 30's and has been divorced) anyway, he said please please don't break up.so i didn't. so i get home and he has decided yes, indeed, he is confused and couldn't say he did, or didn't, love me. i know--run like hell. instead, i'm seeing him sunday night. i don't know what i expect. it's ridiculous. i can't seem to let go even though i think i'm just headed for more pain
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