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About Me

  1. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  2. So I went to the hospital at 2:30 AM. They gave me a 30mg shot of Toradol. That only reduced it a bit. They sent me home. I took 2 Tylenol 1 and got in bed at 5:45. I woke up before 7:30 screaming in pain. My husband took me back to the hospital. This time it was another dr. He said he is sure I have Trigeminal Neuralgia and gave me another shot of Toradol 60mg. He gave me 200 mg of carbamazepine . I have to take 400 mg a day. It is an anti seizure medication that will relax the nerve. And he have me hydromorhone 2 mg for pain. They have me lined up to see a specialist. Sorry I am not making much sense I am taking 2 medications which make you very very sleepy and confused.
  3. I guess the premis is to track the number of days that I do have migraines, symptoms and severity and a search to find things that bring relief. Day one. I woke this morning with one. Once again always left sided. The left side of my head and face are numb. The sinus on my left side is in agony as well as my jaw and nose and under my eye. I am pretty unmotivated as a result even when I have a ton of stuff to do. I guess on a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the worst, the pain is about 7 so I can still deal with it. My neck and back muscles are also killing me. Only on my left side mind you.
  4. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  5. He initiated the breakup citing he felt we wanted different things (him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together and we are in our late 30’s!) started fighting everyday about anything and everything. The way he handled it was so messy, one day it’s what he wants and the next day he’s unsure getting mad at me for removing my things from the apartment. Finally we go no contact for months until the quarantine hits and I reach out with a message for his safety telling him explicitly not to contact me if he doesn’t wish to discuss what happened as I felt the decision to breakup was so wishy washy without proper conversation to which HOURS LATER he replies back ignoring my instruction, filling me in on his life but not addressing the breakup either. I get pissed and confront him essentially we go back and forth where he tells me he has been avoiding processing the breakup feelings throwing himself into work and he knows how unhealthy that is but that it is too painful to process(too painful to process? It had been 6 months at this point!) that he will always love me and he also adds that he doesn’t want to “Get my hopes up” but that he hopes we can talk without hurt feelings at some point (I interpret this to mean he wants to talk but doesn’t want to deal with my emotions as I’m a very fiery personality, he’s told me several times my intense emotions make him want to run). He begs me not to get into it ‘right now’ I tell him that I am sorry for intruding on his life as it seems he wants us to move on from one another and that it won’t happen again. It has been more weeks of radio silence and I’m not sure what to do. Not wanting to get into it “right now” does that mean one day you plan on it? Or is that just BS to fend me off? I’ve been looking into attachment styles and he is definitely “dismissive avoidant” who runs from highly emotional conversations and I am “anxious preoccupied” who craves reassurance (these two types often end up together albeit their opposite characteristics). The advice is to let them come to you on their comfort terms to talk but where the hell does that leave me in the meantime? When I reached out he answered and is happy to hear from me but does not take action by his own accord to talk to me. And for those who say “just forget him and move on” I wish I could just turn this off and do that! I am not ready to let go for whatever reason just yet and am looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences...
  6. Hello, my 16 year old thoroughbred I’ve noticed stands Parker occasionally like he needs a wee. I’m very curious as to why he does this. He doesn’t do this when he is in the field only when I get him out to groom he does also stand in his stable with his bum against the wall, but yet again doesn’t do this in the field against anything. He doesn’t act like he is in any pain along his back at all, and when ridden he’s slightly stiff to begin with but he’s been this way for a while due to his age and soon loosens up after a warm up and is not always stiff to begin with. A few years ago he did fracture his splint bone but had the chip removed and had a year of no ridden work had 4 months box rest and was turned away for a further 8 months and has been sound and back in work for a year now and got 100% all clear from the vet. I just want to know why he sometimes stands parked and why he occasionally puts his bum against the wall in his stable, could this be something to do with needing his sheath cleaned?
  7. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  8. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  9. Hi all, it’s been about 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. Was a 6 month relationship, but I really thought this could be the one.. after a few heartbreaks and non-starters in my early-mid 30s. We broke up because of his recurrent feelings of doubt he has in relationships, and his inconsistency and inability to truly “throw himself into” it. He was in counselling for all this (and had started this counselling months before we met), and he was trying to work through it- so I was hopeful he could get past it. He had said I was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time etc. I'd met his family and friends etc. But it became too painful and unhealthy for me to stay. His inconsistency and feeling him pulling away was damaging my self esteem- which is already very fragile. He’s a kind, good man- and was never defensive with me when I tried to talk to him about “us”. So it’s hard for me to just write him off as a selfish narcissist etc. He wasn’t. The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. Which says it all really. But to make matters worse, it’s not a typical breakup (I guess no-ones feels typical)... two days after we split up he found out that his ex (ie the one before me, not me!) took her own life earlier the same week. Uuughh. Horrific situation for all. Messed up situation. The self centred hurting part of me can’t handle this. He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. And I hate admitting it.. but I feel totally sidelined. Like this is now “what he is getting over” and that I’ve been wiped out/forgotten like I never existed. I’m ashamed to have these feelings in the circumstances.. but I feel like a complete “nothing”. Uuughh. I’m trying to get over him, meanwhile he is getting over his previous ex whose just died. She was his most significant ex before he met me, and they had broken up 18 months before we met. I got a missed call from him last Friday - which i thought was odd (was the last thing he would do really).. and it turned out to be a mistake.. a 'pocket dial'...and on the day of his ex's funeral. Ouch. Another punch in the face. I have sent him a couple of supportive messages. But i'm having to go 'no contact' now- its too painful. The craving for external validation from him that I meant something to him is so strong right now. I feel totally worthless/nothing/insignificant/invisible/forgotten. I know I need to work from within to heal, but it's f*cking hard right now.. Any advice welcome! :)
  10. Dear all, I am seeing a guy for over 2,5 years. We had a relationship label for about 6 months but it made him so anxious that we officially broke up but kept seeing each other and were exclusive still. I know, very strange. We finally really broke up a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other for a month until he came back again. We are not exclusive now but we do see each other a lot, we hang out with mutual friends etc. He had a really rough youth, his father was murdered and he has contact with his mother even though it’s not a normal mom-son bond. It is clear he has a lot of unresolved issues and I see that most of the time he cannot help him self, his system is just as it is because he literally doesn’t know how to do different. He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing in front of his friends, even though I am the sweetest and most loyal person he has even known. Sometimes he sits down with me and tells me how much he loves me, that I have every reason to leave him forever and how it is possible that I am still here for him after all he has done. I am too understanding, I see so much trauma in him and I don’t take the way he is treating me personal but that is wrong. I am not being sweet to myself by allowing him to cross my boundaries every time. We fight like we are in a relationship even though we are officially not because he is too scared. I had an abortion last week. He came with me to the procedure and I counted on him being there for me that day. He told me he wanted to go to a festival afterwards, I became upset and told him that I needed him afterwards. He started yelling at me that everything always has to go my way, that I cannot force him to stay with me and that I always make so much drama. I started crying, I was about to have an abortion and here he was yelling at me that he wanted to go to a festival. I never did this ever before and I scared myself, but I was felt so misunderstood and so lonely that I slapped him in his face. How dare he talk about wanting to go to a festival and yelling at me before having an abortion. Slapping him is not okay, I know that. It did make him calm down though and he stayed, he sold his ticked. After the procedure I was in pain and felt incredibly sad and all I wanted was a hug from him. I came out the clinic and he was waiting for me. He asked how I was doing and a few minutes later he said if it was possible I would go to my mom because he felt forced to stay with me for the rest of the day. At that point, I was still feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthesia and I was still in pain from the procedure. I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I was still processing the abortion and him telling me he felt forced to take care of me trying to ship me off to my mom broke me. I was extremely upset, I couldn’t even stand anymore and I sat down crying hysterically in the middle of the side walk because I felt so incredibly sad, hurt and lonely. He said I needed to act normal and pulled me up. We did go to his house but I still needed to go to the pharmacy on my scooter to get antibiotics. I did not feel well to drive my scooter but I had to, to get my medication. He took the subway. I got the medication and when I came back to his place he did not say a word to me. He did not ask how I was feeling, he did not ask if he could get me something to drink. I told him if it was possible for him to show me some affection but he got very angry. He said that I should be happy that I could stay with him, that he was being way too sweet to me, that I forced him into staying with me and that I was exaggerating about my physical and emotional pain about the abortion. We got into a huge fight again but it became so much, I just couldn’t fight anymore so at one point I became quit until he started hugging me again. We spend a few hours together which were nice. In the evening he suddenly became angry again without no apparent reason, he just suddenly told me that he felt really unhappy today about how everything went and that I treated him poorly and unfairly. He basically kicked me out of his apartment and slammed the door in my face and afterword’s we shortly spoke on the phone that he needed me to back off, that this was too much for him and that he doesn’t want any contact for a while. I told him how sorry I was for slapping him, I sent him flowers with a card and an apology but he said that it was too much and that I need to distance myself from him. (Apparantly he feels suffocated? I was only trying to show him my regret for slapping him – I felt like an apology with flowers was the right thing to do). I am completely at loss, I just had an abortion which I still need to process and he suddenly doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Did I really act horrible? What do you think I should do?
  11. As I said in some previous posts, my ex wanted to be friends but it was too painful for me because I'm still in love and she's not. So as advised by some of the good people on this site, I broke that off with her but said she should get in touch if she ever considers reconciliation. That was four days ago and I still have much grieving to do, but every day is a bit better. My question is: why was it a good idea to leave the door open for her? Why is it a good idea to allow her to think I'm hers for the taking if/when things don't work out for her in the dating world? My gut tells me it's the right thing to do, my heart hopes to hear from her again someday, but my brain says I'm a real dumba$$.
  12. Hi guys. Well summer is coming up soon and I want to be confident when I go to the beach. Right now I'm not, I am about 6 feet and 214 pounds. My body is pretty well porportioned except that my tummy is pretty big. It's been big basically all my life, and I actually as embarrassing as this may sound 'suck in' constantly? Like throughout the day when I'm outside or around other I suck in my tummy so it looks a lot flatter than it actually is. I don't know if it's normal but I can go through a whole day with my tummy sucked in without feeling a bit of pain or strain. ANYWAY, yeah. I want to flatten my stomach, as fast as possible. I do not have access to a gym though... What can you guys suggest?
  13. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and I told her about my general life and the rules that I've implemented, she inturn said that I am only building walls. She said "I think my rules will protect me but they are just the excuse to hide and shut out the rest of the world." Do I not have the right to protect myself? And is it not my right to chose the kind persons I want to have relationships with? How I see it, is I have a few standards and they have to be met, not all of them but most and my rules just narrow down my search. I honestly dont think I am shutting anyone out just the people to whom the rules apply. I do believe that there will be situations where my rules should be discarded but until then, they my life is governed by them. My friend argued that my soul mate may fall short by my standards or will I may never find anyone at all, to which I replied "I dont believe in one mate but a soul mate network. Instead of having just one perfect mate for you, there are many personalities that suit your character." If you think you've found your soul mate I'm happy for you but I've met at least four persons I could call soul mates and I'm not with any today. I just want to know, do anyone think its wrong to set a few guide lines about what you desire, do you believe its a way of masking my pain from the past?
  14. I see you everyday, And remember how it was, I'm trapped within inertia, You went off with him, Not thinking about me, I couldn't give you enough, Why can't it be like before? Before you left me, Before you brought the pain, Now you're alone too, I still long for you, I wonder whether you want me, Always talking and flirting so incessantly, But do you just want to bait me? As you learnt recently, There's so much you don't know about me, I'm the mysterious good-looking man, Why? Why do you torment me? So incessantly…
  15. This past year has been the hardest of my life. I feel like the world is judging me, almost condemning me. I feel I am all wrong for the world. Sometimes even the responses here make me feel worried about myself, that I am too this or that....and that I destroy everything I touch. I have never had as much intense pain as I have experienced this year. There have been nights when I have thought so strongly about suicide that I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I have gone to counsellors, doctors, am on medication, but it seems like my soul is crying out...and that no pills or doctors can tend to what is going on with me...on a soul-level. What it is seems so simple...to love and give love. I try to practise this daily. I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....I long for the pain to cease...but it seems like such a part of my soul now. My chest hurts so much at night...I have never felt this way before, but the pain has caused my chest to constrict, and it hurts to breathe. I feel so warmly toward people, and I believe in romance, passion, love, honour, dignity....I love beautiful poems, art....I appreciate kind words...sometimes when a customer smiles at me or compliments me, I feel so grateful....this kind gesture means so much to me. But at home I feel so lonely....the apartment is so silent.......It seems I am so careful with people, not to hurt them or come on too strong...I am careful to be myself, to show my appreciation and love. I just pick the wrong ones...the ones that hurt me. I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me. I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........ I just needed to write this....If anyone can understand and write back....thank you.....
  16. hey everyone well about halfway through last year i wanted 2 live with one of my 3 sisters because i wasnt happy with the area i was living in and i was really depressed. anway so they all gave me false hope and led me to believe it was ok to move with them then changed their mind. i never really opened up to them until i was led to believe i was getting out of here and then i started to. the funny thing is not one of them apologised for doing that. im not hurt at the fact i couldnt go but the fact they led me to believe i could and then burst my bubble. ive tried to tell them how much it hurt but they just said your only 16 and i dont want you 2 be my responsibility. the funny thing is if the situations were reversed id still take them in even after the pain they caused me. so basically i forgave them i dint 4get wat they did and accepted i got 2 more years in this hole. but now its 4th week of school and i get depressed for no reason sometimes but other times i feel fine all i want to know is does anyone know a way i can stop these random depressions. and how can i stop it
  17. I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...
  18. Lastnight I got really upset and I need advice, comfort and suggestions regarding my situation. First some background...my bf broke his leg about four weeks ago. He's very athletic and usually is always moving and full of energy. He had surgery about three weeks ago and ever since has been stuck at home most of the time bored out of his mind with not much to do. At first I started to realize he was cranky more often and not very cheerful like he usually is. It's lately and especially yesterday that are really starting to concern and hurt me. I went to his place yesterday evening and he wasn't overly affectionate. Didn't think too much of it but by that night everything just went downhill. He didn't want me near him (he's not in pain anymore but depressed) at night, told me he doesn't feel like having sex anymore, doesn't want me close to him, and was all around totally aloof with me. I asked him why he never tells me he loves me anymore and he said, "Why should I say it if I don't feel it." That was the most HURTFUL thing that came out by that point and I unfortunately began to cry. I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm not even dating him. He has no desire to call me anymore, and said he doesn't even really care if I come over not. I feel SO rejected all the while he tells me that I'm making too big a deal over this, that it's because he's focused on his leg and that I'm not his number one priority right now-his injury is. I could understand if it was because he's in a lot of pain but he isn't-just depressed from having no motivation after being stuck at home for the last month. If someone could please tell me what to do with this situation and how I can best handle it PLEASE let me know-my heart feel so heavy right now.
  19. I have a job which is full of stress, and have been struggling with the torrible pain in my back -for 3 months now- which hurts whenever I sit. The problem is this does not stop, I have gone to a series of doctors, all of which said a different thing, some said do not do any sports and some gave me some small exercise. So I began to do exercises, but whenever I get down, the terrible pain begins, than I began to get more depressed, and then comes the vicious circle!! I have realized that my mental situation affects my body immediately but I don't know how to get out of this circle? Any advice on how to reduce stress? or how to cure this pain is welcome, and let me add that I am not that kind of a person who enjoys going to a club, a sports activity or stg. like that, in other words I really don't know very well to make myself feel relaxed..I only like to have a walk on my own, but I am not sure whether it is good for my back? or makes it worse? Please help, I am starting to think that I am like those old old people who alwys speak of their pain!!
  20. Yeah this is somee thing deep down something that people i know whould never hear me say hell some don't even think I have more emotions then the basic need to have sex nothing more then a player well heres my heart for the world to see, problems and all. feel the pain slice at your heart no more then what you think is real every one sees a face you wish you were but your not your a little scaried boy wishing to go back to a time where everything was simple no pain, misery, or hate a time of joy, happiness, and love where has that time gone? everyone is at everyones throat no one loves any more sex is just sex no love an empty promise to fill a moment is any one out there? help we just lose or meaning. take the stroke the stroke of caring? screw it take the quick road the last road the end road. ..................... .......................
  21. One of the hardest things to deal with after my break up was realising that the happiest moments of my life had become meaningless, unbearably painful, even. That's probably the hardest thing to conquer... Another was that absolutely everything I did or wanted to do to get my mind off of her actually reminded me of her. I couldn't watch certain movies that used to be comforting, because I associated them with her. I couldn't read certain books. Even certain parts of the house became too painful to bear. Certain words, phrases, references... they could make me sad for seemingly no reason at all. And it's amazing how often these things do come up in the course of a day. It does get better. After more than 2 months, I still have many bad days, but there are also many days when I can happily and comfortably watch those films, read those books, even think about the most beautiful day of my life -- the day we met -- without worrying that the pain is going to kill me. It's sad, now, not painful. Sometimes the pain returns, but not as it used to be. It still gets pretty bad at times, especially when I start wondering what she's up to, and if she's found someone else. If I start waiting for her to call, I know I'm going to be miserable. So I try not to do that. Strangely, I find that I still love her as much as ever, but at the same time, the pain is fading. I was afraid that when the pain faded, the love would fade too, but that hasn't happened. Quite the opposite, even...
  22. Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.
  23. Hi everyone, I have this lump in the centre of my wrist (on the top side of my hand) which is causing me a bit of discomfort. I am unable to move my wrist very far in any direction without experiencing pain in the middle of my wrist around this lump. I have had this twice before and it seems to go after about a week (last time about a month ago), i think it may be caused by using the computer too much. I cannot use the computer less as i need it for studying! I did a bit of research and found something called "carpal tunnel syndrome" but the descriptions of that refer to a different area of the wrist. I was wondering if there is anybody who can offer insight into what it is and give advice on how to stop myself getting it again. Is it anything to be worried about, should i see a doctor? abcd1234
  24. hi my name is teri and im 21 years old- i have been suffering from social anxiety and boredom ever since i can remember. then at age 11 i developed epilepsy. i feel like i cant communicate to any1 and i hate the pressure i get from my dad most of all but i cant live without him either. both of my parents are diabetic. i have no family or friends. its impossible for me to make friends since i suck at everything. i constantly have suicidal thoughts and i cant make it goaway. i hate being at risk for every disease like cancer and diabetes- it runs in the family. its bad enough that i wear thick glasses and i have hair loss. ive had to drop out of school because of this. i feel like exploding. if any1is suffering like me or going thru social anxiety, please feel free to email me at email removed
  25. ok i have a question, ive been cutting for 6 years and it helped give me release and made the pain go away. lately it isnt doing anything. im not getting release m not getting the rush just a mess and nasty scars. why has it stopped helping with the pain?
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