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confusedmama last won the day on June 1 2009

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  1. I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with this. I also deal with on a weekly basis. I continue to hope it will get better, but so far I've had little luck. In the beginning I did as you are-telling very little to the kids and no bad mouthing their father. I still stick to the no bad-mouthing but I have started telling the truth when they come to me with statements he has made. It is still difficult for me to do this, but I do feel they need to know the truth ( and I try really reallly hard not to be sarcastic or self-rightous when I tell them). Good luck. It would be nice if ALL adults could act like adults, especially when dealing with their children. But sometimes my ex is more childish than the boys.
  2. John, I wish I had your sense of self in dealing with my ex. I need your voice on my shoulder to help me to say the right things and to realize when he is pulling my strings and to know when to stand up and back down. I keep thinking it is going to get easier.
  3. WOW you are a fantastic person, but remember you can't change all his problems quickly. If you haven't had him tested by a neurologist, then by all means do so, but over all I think patience is the main thing. As good as you are you can't wipe out all that neglect in 6-8 months. He was neglected over half his life and I've heard it said that for every day there is an injury it will take 2 days of recovery. Keep doing what you are doing and loving him as you are and take it day by day. I'm sure the frustration must be difficult for you but imagine what it is for him. He is also, as you know, hitting those "terrific two's" where he will be testing and pushing limits and seeing if your boundaries are secure enough for him to be safe in your love. I absolutely LOVE this age child!! Be strong, be patient, be loving and know you are doing a great thing!!
  4. I also am a single mom, I have 3 boys 12,9 & 5 and have 2 other boys living with me now 6 & 2, the house is NEVER on slow down, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Although there never seems to be enough time to work, play, eat, homework, or relax somehow we get most of it accomplished. And still find time for board games, movie night but most importantly love and snuggles. I feel fortunate that my children are not afraid or embarrassed to hug, kiss or tell me (or me tell them) I love you both at home and in public. Just yesterday my 5 year old popped up after dinner and said "You know what time it is? It's mommy snuggle time!!" And proceeded to jump into my lap and bury his face in my neck. It doesn't get any better than that
  5. If both your names are on the house loan, in order to re-finance to get your name off the loan the house will have to be re-appraised. In most states appraisals over 6mths are not considered correct. A loan officer could probably give you better advise as far as appraisals and housing info go. When I went through my divorce I had to pay to get the house appraised 2x because of the elapsed time between the 1st and when the divorce was final.
  6. The only way counselling works is if you are completely honest and put it all on the table-if the counselor sees her anger at you it actually may help him/her to help your situation. Most good counselors see through the act of people but you have to be open & honest I'm sorry you are having to go through this instead of relaxing but in the long run it may make your life better and more relaxing. Just hang in there.
  7. I would hate to see a relationship of 10 years and 2 children go away because the "spark" isn't there. It must have been there to begin with or you wouldn't have gotten together. Maybe take a trip back in your memory as to what made it good in the beginning. You don't have to repeat those things but it might give you an idea of what is "missing" in the relationship. As women we enjoy the little things that men do to make our lives easier, communication and actually listening to what we say (and sometimes don't say) mean a lot and go a long way to helping our feelings return. Did you used to buy her flowers, little cards, things to let her know she is important to you-not just the mom, housekeeper, etc-maybe you can start these up again and NOT stop after a while. It takes WORK to make a relationship strong. I agree communication is a BIG part of it. SHe needs to know you are listening to her and care about her needs-not just lip service, not saying that you do that but it is a problem most of us have (myself included at times) YOU can't FAKE it, you have to want to give her the thinkgs she needs and you are the only one who can decide if you WANT to give her that. Is your marriage worth it? Are your kids worth it? Just like you had to practice in sports (and I know) you have to practice these traits also. JUST DO IT
  8. Time for me?? And how did you guess I love slots? Last summer I actually did set aside some time and $ and went out with friends when he had the boys, but then when school started and the $$ stopped my life skidded to an abrupt halt. I am trying to put some $$ away for the boys & I to go somewhere this summer, hopefully with sand, sun and a pink drink with a pretty umbrella even if only for a couple of days. and I think once the family who is living with me finishes their house and I get my house back on the weekends I don't have the boys and can do some low-key entertaining, cards/board games, pot-luck dinners, I will feel much more human. Right now, there isn't enough space for more people to even come and visit for a period of time-over 2 hours-and I am very much a people person. Hopefully, when I am getting child support regularly-although I'm afraid to depend on it-and can get the bills down to a reasonable pile I can again start to go out dancing and doing what I enjoy. I do know that it is important to look out for me, I just have problems dong it-typical mom I think
  9. I am trying very hard to get my bills in order so I won't need his money, unfortunately because of the arrearage I now have $3000 of credit card debt and because he refused to sign the "quit-claim" deed on the house so I could re-finance in a timely manner my interest rate went up and I got locked into a 2yr pre-payment penalty so I can't even re-finance again to get the rates lowered. As of right now, even with getting the card paid off, until I get my lawyer fees paid and my children out of child care my $$ is totally spent before I see a dime of it. We do nothing extra-I'm struggling to figure out how to pay for the boys to play little league baseball and hoping against hope that they will badger him enough this weekend to take them to sign ups so he will have to pay. Unfortunately, with public education my yearly raises sometimes don't happen and when they do the increase is usually eaten by an increase in insurance premiums. I am working on my master's so hopefully, yes in a about 5 years I can move up the ladder a little further-its a game and I'll have to see if I can play by the unwritten rules to get ahead. I haven't said anything to the boys about their dad and the games he is playing. I've only begun to tell them to ask their dad for the extra's, such as the yearbook orders, the book orders, etc. If he won't do it, I'll find a way somehow. And I know that even without my saying anything the boys know what is what. They are so resilient and so much of my life revolves around what is right for them. I guess that is what hurts the most out of this-how can their father not feel the same way and want to do what is right for his kids???? To hell with what you feel for me, do what is right for the boys. Thanks for your responses and suggestions please keep them coming.
  10. My job hasn't changed and actually I'm doing what I went to school to do, it doesn't involve many late late nights-I'm an athletic trainer at a high school which means whenever there is a sporting event at home I'm required to be at school-I'm usually home between 9-9:30. Except football season and then it can be at late as midnight on Friday nights. But my children normally come with me to work-and what better place to spend an evening for boys that watching a sporting event at the local high school? The court order doesn't address working, I assumed (apparently wrongly) that it meant when going out of town for an overnight or an entire day that I should give him first right of refusal, which if he didn't refuse he would try to use against me in court as saying I am unable to watch my children. These are the games he plays. As far as support, when he went 6 months without paying for his children I did nothing until 3 months had passed-in which time he was collecting unemployment and officiating games and getting paid cash, of which he paid nothing for the children. If he would have made an effort, any effort, I wouldn't have pursued the support, but he did the same thing before we were divorced but working within a mediation agreement and while he still had a job. He has had 17 jobs in the 16years we've been together so this is a habit for him. I refuse to take up his slack any longer. He has the responsiblity to take care of his kids-that is part of being a "good father". It isn't all fun and games. We have been to mediation 3x and it hasn't worked-the rules don't apply to him. If I didn't need his money, believe me I wouldn't ask for it-or it would go to the college fund, but..... because of the way we worked our finances together I am paying for his car, my van, all the expenses of raising the boys for the past 2 years with basically no financial help from him. I have tried to be fair, I've tried to be forgiving, I feel all I do gets shoved back in my face. I know he misses his children, and I could be really nasty and b*tchy here, but I really wish he would grow up and move on. He controlled me for over 15 years, he can't do it any longer except like this and hopefully soon I can get to a point financially where he won't even be able to do it that way.
  11. I thought I was finished with court, but no I was served today for a court date on Fri. I am so angry with my ex I could just spit nails. Some recent background info... After the divorce was final, he stopped paying child support(because he lost his job-his own doing but I can''t prove it) I had him brought up in court and finally after 4 months of none got it through the state. When we finally got to court with this item the judge only made him pay $500 of the $2500 he was in arrears and lowered his payments by $300 a month. I have $20.00 left at the end of the month. In the meantime-he files to have custody changes for him to get the kids 50% of the time-1week at his house & 1 week at mine. I petition to have a guardian ad litem appointed for the kids, we went to court on this on the 31st of Jan. The judge ruled that visitation/custody would remain the same, except for the fact that he now gets the boys only 1 week a month in the summer instead of every other week. My doing because he has no vacation with his new job and I don't want my children left alone. I believe that he filed this to not pay child support ( and the lawyers actually think this also-mine & the boys). SO now this, he is trying to get me on not following a court order for not calling him and offering him the boys every time I have to work late. I currently have another family living with me waiting for their house to be completed so on the nights I have to work late they watch the kids so the boys could be in their home in their beds etc... While I realize it is all about control I can NOT afford to keep running back to court because of his need to control my life. I keep thinking I'm finished with him-I can handle it as a business arrrangement and then he just keeps pulling this crap over and over. I AM TIRED:sad:
  12. I guess I am on the other side of this equation. I am trying to collect child support from my ex. and I can tell you, that while he thinks it is too much and just got it reduced, what he was paying barely covered 1/4 of the expenses of his/our children. Your child is worth what the child support may be and he needs to know that you support him, financially and otherwise. Our children should not suffer because of the mistakes we make as parents in our relationship with one another. You could treat your child support as a fund for the future, have it removed from your monthly income BEFORE you get a chance to spend it and thereforeeee your budget doesn't include the money that goes toward your child. Of course it is cheaper to keep one household but only monetarily, not emotionally and money comes and goes. It is more difficult to repair emotions than to go make more money. If you choose to get involved again you and your significant other will possibly have to make some sacrifices for you to support your son, but in my opinion, that is what parents do-we sacrifice for our children, it is our job. I agree with Ash, you need to look at allowing her to remove your child out of the country. A child needs his father in his life!! More than just every 2 years, are you OK with your wife taking him? This is something to fight over, not child support. If there is no way to keep them in the country, then she should have to share the expense of visistation so you can be with your son.
  13. Sorry for your pain, but it gives me hope that you are feeling this pain. The fact that you are willing, and hopefully, able to give up porn for your marriage is good news. You don't say how long or often you have viewed porn and I'm not trying to pry, but this is a great indicator as to how hard or easy this task will be. Porn can become an addiction and as such it is extremely difficult to follow through on all the good intentions. Please get to the root of this with your therapist if you think this may be an issue. From experience, I ask that you be totally honest with your wife from this moment on. She will want to know, and has a right to know, if you have looked again-it is a trust factor and while it sounds simple and easy-it is a MAJOR issue in your relationship. I know I felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexual enough because if I was he wouldn't have been looking. You will need to reassure your wife you find HER attractive but you also have to be extemely careful in the timing & wording so she doesn't feel that you are just saying it to make her feel better. She needs to believe in you and this will take time. There is no quick fix just honesty and communication. While there were many other issues in my marriage, the fact that he would NOT give up the porn and lied about it over and over was a deal breaker. I commend you on wanting to work this out and being willing to put your marriage first. GOOD LUCK!!
  14. I am in total agreement with all others, you need to move on with your life!! You cannot parent your parents, that is not your job. Actually, they have been unfair to you to get you sooo mixed up in their problems that you would even consider staying in NC and not moving forward. I can also feel where you ar coming from, my parents divorced when I was a junior in college after my mother stayed with my dad "for the sake of the kids" after he had affairs on her. She also could never forgive or forget and in some repects she still hasn't and it has been 17 years since they divorced. While I know it is difficult to you, being the peacemaker was always my job too, if you don't distance yourself I am afraid you will be damaging the way you deal in relationships. I am just now discovering how my past with my parents have influenced how I deal in relationships now. I am having to relearn many aspects of this.
  15. thanks to all-especially Mike! You gave some really good advice and although I have contacted my sons therapist and their teachers to hear it echoed through someone else definitely helps!!! And I really like the idea of turning all the questions back on him for the answers, such as school supplies and clothes etc. I have pulled all the back financial info and I'm trying to get it dated so I can ask the VERY specific details. And while I realize the child support & custody are or should be 2 separate issues, in the state of VA the amount of child support is ratioed directly to how much time is spent with each parent. I am really not after his money, i want him to stand up and accept the responsiblity of his children stop looking for ways to dodge it. Mike, it sounds as if you have been through a bunch, but it also sounds as if you are working toward finding yourself and making yourself the type of person you want to be and that is fantastic. I know, personally, going through this crap has definitely changed me and I hope it is for the better. I can almost find myself. I am discovering where I stand on things and how to say what I think/feel. I think the more you expose yourself to social situations and tell yourself ahead of time what you are going to be up front about and set a boundary with yourself the easier you will find it to be in relationships. I know I had to do just that and it is getting easier, not that I'm a pro, but it's getting easier! Right now, the fear of the unknown is driving me to distraction. I can get some things accomplished but then I have to fall back and re-group. I am trying NOT to become bitter or vindictive at my ex because I know from my parents divorce, it carries over into the life I have with my children and I REFUSE to do that!! My boys know I love them unconditionally and would go to the ends of the earth for them, I can only hope that the "impartial" persons involved will see that too.
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