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BeStrongBeHappy

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Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    most people who want to 'figure things out' do it by negotiating with their partner, not by shutting them out... i hate to say it, but it usually means they are either trying to figure out if they can do 'ok' without you as a constant presense in their lives, or else they want to go on a break to date something else, long enough to see whether they like that person better, or to avoid the technicality of cheating (i.e., it wasn't cheating, we were on a break at the time)... so my suggestion is to definitely not call him or contact him, but take the time to consider whether you think such 'breaks' are acceptable in a relationship or not... personally, i don't believe in them, becuase you're either in or out, trying to make it work or not. breaks are usually a no man's land where someone is avoiding something (having to have the breakup conversation) or trying to get away with something (dating someone else) while not actually breaking up with you yet.
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    ...and the reverse can be said... life begins at 40... maturity gives you a lot of understanding that experience brings... some people feel liberated, some people, especially those who are shallow, try to hang onto youth because that is all they value.
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    why, are you checking to make sure if you take up with an older guy you'll get a cool car?
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    yes, Cupid is such an unpredictable little cherub anyway... plenty of people break up on valentine's day, and it's a prime day to discover your ex is cheating with someone else becuase they disappear on you... so as a day, it is overrated... i definitely believe in love, for others, yourself, pets, etc. so use the day to contemplate how love is so much better, and so much more, than just someone bringing you wilted flowers because it is a social obligation.
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    opening a big Pandora's box full of trouble there... ok with another guy, but no to another girl? get outta here, not only is she being selfish, but there is no logic that justifies that... i'd suspect she is thinking about cheating, and just trying to find a way to ease her conscience about that... like if you 'ok' another guy togehter, then why not apart... don't go there... many have done so, and it's never the same again, and usually headed for a breakup...
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    i am happy becuase i am free to do what i want, and don't have to pretend to be happy with someone who is treating me badly and gave me a bunch of wilted flowers from the gas station shopmart just because it's valentine's day!! p.s. i officially declare valentine's day 'good riddance to bad partners day'! a reason to celebrate after all!
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    what an empty gesture! just shows that there are lots of people out there who just go thru the motions for things like holidays etc., without really thinking about the effect of their behavior on other people... its almost cruel to send a happy valentine's day to an ex when you know they are hurting... should just reinforce that they are better off gone to be that insensitive... all words, no consideration...
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    You did the right thing... this doesn't sound like a healthy love, and it sounds like he is NOT telling you everything about who he really is... and what you've found out about him cannot be ignored... he also sounds very obsessive and possessive of you, and tried to narrow your world... a huge red flag! please trust your instincts... there are lots of things that attract us to people, and it is natural to want to be in a trusting relationship, but if he is not being open with you, then you should not be trusting him. and don't feel guilty, everyone has a right to choose what is right for themselves.... please read the book 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker... we need to trust our intuition about people who may not be as they present themselves, and can potentially be dangerous. since you serious doubts about him, do not let him back into your life and apt. alone.... stick to NC, and make sure he understands you are really broken up and intend to keep it that way.
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    the problem i see with this is that it just doesn't make sense... he is already distant from you, why does he need MORE space?? unless you are calling him and texting him all day long, one would be expect to talk once a day, or text a couple times because you WANT to hear from the person. you would also expect him to try to spend special days with you, like Valentine's day.. and most people want to have relationships where they see each other every day, live together and eventually marry. so what does he expect then if he has some work stress, for you to move out of the house for a month? i hate to say this, but people who cheat usually use work as the excuse they hide behind... i.e., they tell their girlfriend/wife that they are late or busy or stressed and can't be/talk to them because they are 'working', when they are in reality spending that time with another women. hearing your story, it sounds like very likely that he is juggling at least one other woman living near him, maybe more, and your calling/texting/visiting him frequently would make it very difficult to explain to whatever other woman/women he may be seeing... so he may want you, but only when it is convenient to him and it does not impact his womanizing with others. and i also hate to say, but tons of people will lie and say what they have to to keep their double life going... so postponing you 6 months into the future for moving together while saying he loves you could just be part of this... and in 6 months, he asks for another 6 months, or breaks it off... so don't spend so much time focusing on being a 'good girl' and not bothering him... your anxiety works very well for him, because it keeps you out there doing exactly what he wants you to do, and not really checking into WHY he wants all this space. i really think this situation is doing nothing but making you insecure, nervous, etc. if there is a way you can find out what he is doing when you are not around, please do it... there is no point waiting patiently for a cheater who has no intentions of getting serious with you in the end...
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    I think you have 'waited' through 2 other guys, and that is long enough. You might give it a shot, and tell her how you feel, that you want to date her, not be 'best buddies' with her... she's either going to agree to go out with you, or tell you she is not interested in dating you. As hard as it is to hear the 'just friends' speech, it is better for you to hear it so you can put it to rest and go find someone who does want to date you. and if this one does want to date you when you tell her that, then great... but really no reward in being her shoulder to cry on other than feeling continual loss, jealousy and disappointment. it's like ripping a band-aid off fast, better to just tell her you want to date or you're out. there are plenty of other friends out there for you (and her) that don't require you being miserable to maintain the friendship.
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    parents who live accross the country do keep in contact with their children... they take them longer in the summer, or spend long weekends and holidays with see them... today with the internet and webcams etc. you can really keep in touch as your daughter gets older, and even consider moving to a closer town, even if it is only 5 or 6 hours away, it is a quicker drive to see her... can you also try some form of mediation or counseling or church counseling? you might be able to work something out with her to stay in the same town, or help her with expenses until the baby is a bit older and can go into daycare... but i think if you boot her out at this point and her only option in terms of money is moving back home, you have to expect that...
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    you can't start a marriage with him threatening to split up the stuff every time he gets mad and you don't give in... that's a bit of emotional blackmail on his part... he is extremely immature if he can't stick with his marriage vows after only 2 months, and he's flirting with girls while away from you... is there any chance that he can change jobs to be near you, or vice versa? but at the same time, i wouldn't give up a really good job if you think he will be leaving you... i really think that you have to insist on marriage or church counseling at this point, to nip this problem in the bud, or decide that he is not committed enough to be married to you, before you have children or other commitments to split up like houses and joint debts/accounts etc. if he won't go into counseling with you, then he just isn't committed enough to be married to you, and i wouldn't trust what he is doing the other 6 days he doesn't see you, especially if he is making comments about it... i'm really sorry, i hope it works out, but sometimes people marry because of pressure or expectations, then bail after the fact... so i think it is in your best interest to try to get him to work on this with you, or else set you free to find someone who doesn't treat marriage like an inconvenience to his ability to act like he is single...
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    3 months after a separation is not a long time, so you are still recovering from your emotional loss... please don't push yourself too hard, and consider personal counseling with a therapist or your church if you are still feeling lost and vulnerable... it does take time, and spending time with friends and family rather than forcing yourself to date before you are ready is probably a better idea than trying to replace someone when you have not healed yet.
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    why spend time and money on you? there are some foreign countries where a young white blond or just young American girls sell for a lot of money... being held captive, sold into prostitution and unable to escape that country, endure beatings, violence etc. many young girls who are tempted into singing/acting/modelling abroad and NOT with valid modeling agencies have run into this trouble. some young girls go to meet potential boyfriends in foreign countries, where the person then beats and forces them as their pimp into prositution. please do web research on the person, the country, and the particular circumstances before you agree to meet ANYONE, anywhere, especially in a strange country. and when you do meet them, do it here, in the company of many people, and research the other person's connections before agreeing to intimacy or seclusion with them. i worked with one girl who met a man from a foreign country who claimed to from a wealthy noble 'old' European family with lots of family money... he swept her off her feet, bought her a large diamond ring, paid for her to get a b**b job, then got her to quit her job and move to Florida with him where he claimed he was going to start up an elegant bar/restaurant with his family money. but not long after she moved down there to be with him he was arrested for being an international drug dealer/smuggler/pimp, and the whole thing was a sham of lies, and she was on her way to being pimped by him, but luckily he got arrested and she got free... so please, please be careful... don't let any flattery or the 'excitement' or 'mystery' of on older foreign man sweep you off your feet and cloud your reason. he could just be harmless and trolling for fun with a young girl, but he could also have other purposes in mind, and be an expert at seducing young girls and sweep them off their feet and convince them to override their own good judgment...
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like she is off having lots of new experiences, but when she feels nostalgic or needs a touch of home or support, she hauls out your relationship and gets sentimental about it, then she's off again on an adventurge and leaving you behind... she may or may not have met other men on her trip that she wants to/has been with, but you certainly don't deserve her waffling back and forth every week. Are you even sure she is coming back to you? I think it might be to your advantage to go on 'break' and really mean it, tell her that she needs time to decide whether she is enjoying her freedom, or wants to come back into a relationship with you, fully, not just on and off. if she is not really going to be there for you, then you need to be free to find someone who does love you and want to be with you and doesn't change her mind every 20 minutes.
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like he was MORE than friends with the other girl he broke up with, using her for sex while he was with you... and cheating on you several times. so it doesn't sound like he wanted to be friends with her, he wanted to use her, and lied to you to do it, and to see other women too... this guy does not sound worth being friends with to begin with... he is not a good friend, and cheats on his girlfriends. he may just be totally into the new woman he has right now and doesn't want to get caught talkign to an ex because some girlfriends don't like that. regardless, he sounds like someone you should get out of your life totally, even if you do have some nostalgic feelings towards him, he is not good partner material, so move on and dont' contact him.
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    it is normal to have disagreements between partners, but what is not normal if abusing them, which could be defined as calling them names, calling them stupid, putting them down, in other words, attacking the person rather than discussion the problem, where rather than saying 'it makes me angry that you never pick up your socks' goes to 'you are a fat lazy b**tch and never do anything right..' So the trick is to learn how to fight fair, which is fight about the real issue without harming the other person emotionally or physically... so yes, it is about communication, but also about understanding and anger control and that it is not acceptable to rip up on your partner all the time just because something annoys you.
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    Have you tried any counseling services that are offered locally or by churches? Many of them are free, and you may want to try to work this out or at least get things to a state where if you split it is done without a lot of the anger and rage that can happen. if she does leave, you can always establish paternity and go to court to get visitation rights. but you will also be required to pay child support scaled to your income. that is just one of the realities today, that if you have a child, and another person gets custody, you will pay support. but sometimes courts will give 50/50 custody where both parents share it and neither pays support, but that is usually only if both parents agree to that and are really getting along, and the child is old enough to be OK switching between homes frequently... so you might want to see if you want work it out first with a counseling service, and if not you will most likely need an attorney to represent you in a child custory/support decision...
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    a very common problem... just make sure that she knows the problem is that you are a light sleeper... and she might already know she snores... i think that anyone who loves you would want you to get good sleep because it is so important for health... just snuggle with her for a while every night, and make sure she feels loved and she should be ok with it, and if she's not, then she's being selfish...
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    nothing wrong with the age gap, if you want to date someone older, go for it... but please be careful about the distance and foreign country thing... as one would with any cyber relationship where you don't really know the person or how real they are about themselves, regardless of their age... and be careful if he asks you to meet him alone in certain foreign countries, even if he sends the money to get you there... there are lots of weirdos out there, and young girls getting kidnapped by guys (old and young) for their own dangerous and illegal purposes.
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    Life is not either/or, nor black/white... and you are proving that yourself, living in that gray area where you say you love your friend and you love your wife and.... it sounds to me like you are trying to rationalize backward... find an excuse to keep loving your friend, even though at this point she is not really in your life that much, other than a fantasy... your wife and home life is the reality, and sometimes that becomes, boring, routine, mundane, and a fantasy looks much better than that... i don't think you are being fair to your wife by carrying on an emotional affair with another woman while cloaking under the guise of being 'old friends'... you need to commit yourself, genuinely, to your wife and marriage, or decide that you don't have enough commitment to draw the line with anyone who threatens your attachment to your spouse.... i really think that marriage counseling is called for, to help you quit sitting the fence and decide whether you are in or out of this marraige. your wife deserves to find someone who loves her genuinely, rather than comparing her to some fantasy old friend, which you pretend it is OK merely becuase you are not having sex with the friend.
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like both of you were really dating, while one (or both) of you were pretending to be 'friends with benefits'... FWB is one of the murkiest and problematic states... sort of a no man's land where nobody really wants to commit to anything, but feelings are still involved no matter what anybody else pretends... FWB situations usually don't last to long, only until one or the other (or both) find someone they really do want enough to admit they are actually dating... so i think if you want him you'd better come right and tell him that you DO want to date exclusively, and apologize if your murky FWB state together got confusing to everyone... i think at this point you either have to go one of three ways... either back to just friends, or forward into being girlfriend and boyfriend, or else break up the friendship entirely... i hope he still is willing to talk to you about it, but disconnecting his phone is not a good sign... maybe he already thought you were exclusive, in which case he could be interpreting it as you were cheating on him with the other guys... so i suggest you go to his house and try to talk to him openly and tell him what you want and apologize if you didn't understand that what he really wanted was to date, and you are ready to do this now and give up flirting with other guys... (and if you're not willing to give up the other guys, then set him free because it is not fair to him if he wants a girlfriend and you just want FWB)...
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    oh you are not old! and even if you were, there is NEVER an end to romance... as they say, the heart springs eternal! i know many 40 year old women who have men in their late 20s chasing them... so really, what is wrong is not your age, but your PERCEPTION that life ends at 30, and you'll never find a husband or have a child... the best advice i can give you is that if marriage and children is your goal, then don't waste ANY time staying with a man who is not getting you closer to that goal, or mooning over one that didn't work out. just recognize that there is no water in a dry well, so don't dig deeper in that well, but that doesn't mean you can't start digging a new well elsewhere, and as soon as possible... best of luck, get out, have fun, do things you like, and look for someone who DOES want to be with you and have similar goals, and don't waste years with someone who is waffling about the marriage and family thing, just move on to the next one! just remind yourself that getting caught up in this loss too much prevents you from going after your dreams, so try not to dwell on the loss or all the very very small potential chance of never finding someone again.
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think since you will be having his child, you should have contact to the point that you get a legal agreement in place for child support and visitation etc. or does he just intend to walk out of your life and disown any responsibility for your child? i know the breakup is very hard on you, but you do have a child to think about, and need to take steps to protect yourself legally and financially. he could also decide a few years down the road when he is married or with someone else that he wants to take custody or your child, or even leave the country with your child, since i think you said he is not from this country and his parents don't approve of your relationship. please talk to some legal aid groups in your area to understand your rights, especially with a child fathered by a non-resident of the U.S. there are also many aid groups and support gruops for parents without partners, so please try to establish a social network for yourself and your future child, with people who will help you rather than abandon you like this guy did... really, it is better in the long run, than trying to continue with someone who will only continue to disappoint you and not take responsibility for his own child...
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    I think that if you feel this has great potential, then you should stay in contact... but eventually you have to make plans to spend more time together to see whether this things sticks... is there a chance one or the other of you could move to the same town? but please don't make a big commitment (marry, move in together) until you have spent time dating in the same town, and seeing each other frequently rather than just in the 'honeymoon vacation' mode... you need the real world for a while, not just LDR and vacation mode interactions...
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