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About Me

  1. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  2. Highly embarrassing but here goes- had a bit of an itchy bottom the past few days, and over the past 24 hours whenever I use the toilet there's a little blood on the tissue. Took a look in the mirror earlier today and there's a red line down my bum crack- it's obviously a sore/split. What can I do to make it heal? It's uncomfortable and stings a lot but I can't get to the doctors due to work. It's such a hard area to keep dry too, anyone experienced this problem?!!!
  3. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  4. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  5. I’m 38 years old. It took my 37 years to finally be in a healthy relationship with a guy that I liked. A genuinely great guy. I don’t have a single complaint about him. We had everything in common, and he is the only person I have met to this point in my life that I could 100% be myself and feel safe. He’s the only person I felt emotionally safe with and open with. Someone I could give emotion to freely without feeling afraid. It took me a long time: so many toxic relationships and a lot of self-reflection. We were together for 13 months but only spent about three months of that together, mostly because of the virus. I don’t have a single negative thing to say about this guy. There was not a single bad moment in our relationship. We only got in one fight the entire time. He was the sweetest and most thoughtful guy I had ever been with. Everyone who met him said the same. Our chemistry was immediate. We were magnetic when we were together. We were always touching each other one way or another. You couldn’t keep us apart. The distance was hard. He was the only person I ever felt the “sparks” with on our first kiss. It was a fairytale perfect—the best year of my life. So now, I am absolutely beyond devastated. I don’t know how I am going to be able to cope with this in the coming days. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life, and when it finally does, it is taken away like some big joke. I get the virus is affecting everyone’s life, but I am only a witness to my own life. I feel I’m a good person for the most part, so I don’t understand why I always seem to be in some giant karmic payoff. We didn’t break up because our relationship was troubled. We didn’t break up because we learned things we didn’t like about each other. The reason we broke up wasn’t due to anything negative between us. Neither of us wanted to break up. Our relationship was always unknown because of the distance, and I took the risk and lost. We met last summer when he was studying abroad here for an MBA, and we had the best two months together. He was only here for a summer program. Originally it was to end and be a fling, but the chemistry was amazing, and we went so well together we kept it going. He lives in Hong Kong. I live in New York. We couldn’t be further apart. We fit together so well. He flew back around the world to see me a month later and spent a couple of weeks here. He also started networking to find a job here, hopefully. Then we met again in Malta in December. I wish I knew that was going to be the last time I would see him. We had so many plans and he we were was set to move in together August 2020. Then his father broke his leg so he stayed there past my birthday in January saying he would come at the end of February or early March. Then this stupid virus happened. I know it destroys everything in its path even if you don’t get it. It destroyed everything for me, but we had each other. We talked to each other all day every day for the entire 13 months of our relationship. We never got tired or ran out of things to say to each other. Anything that happened to us, we told the other. We had a routine, we had hobbies we did together from afar, every day was happy. Keeping hope alive that he could come to see me again soon. But the borders to Hong Kong were closed and if he left he would have to stay in a Chinese government quarantine when he came back. I wouldn't want that for him. We waited for travel restrictions to be lifted but then April passed, June, July, and with no end in sight. Still he planned to do a school program here that would allow him to work from day one. We pushed the plan from August to Jan 2021. He would find a job while in school and then stay here. He would have two years to find one. Now jobs are not plenty. He could not find a job in Hong Kong because of the virus. Then China imposed new rules on the region, so even more employers have begun to flee. The plan was to make money and save before coming to school here. That did not happen because of the virus and the China situation. He had not adequate found work since graduating from school. Jobs here are scarce who will hire him as a foreigner? He wanted to work in Corporate AI, but businesses have cut those funds. He did not make money and had been living on his savings for this entire year and three for the MBA. So now there might be no job here. He will almost be 32 when he comes here, and he doesn’t think it’s wise to financially wipe himself out, not knowing if he will get a job and having to pay for school and living expenses. It makes sense but it is still unlucky and sad. At the same time it also doesn't make sense because he got the MBA to change careers. He hated his old job and his life. The job he wants does not exist in Hong Kong. He is throwing in the towel and going back to his old line of work making the MBA nearly useless. Plus he is not Chinese and there is no future for him in Hong Kong. He doesn't want to waste his time in a job here if it goes no where, but will enter a job that is sure to go no where there. I feel bad for him because he is so depressed about his current professional position. He loses at every angle. Plan B was to move to Canada together, but because of the virus, those residencies that usually took six months will now take at least another year. He made a decision that is logical given the current global situation. We can not stay in long distance forever with no end in sight and not being able to see each other at all, he ended it. It is logical but it hurts. He was the best relationship that I ever had. We have not spent enough in-person time together. The time and the distance most likely made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade, so if anyone mentions why didn’t you get married, I’m sure he probably thought of it as an option and didn’t want to at this point. I don't even know if I would want to at this point. He broke up with me because he feels every route is exhausted because of the virus. It is not possible. I didn’t try to convince him to find some way. I knew he had thought of every way and what he was or was not willing to do to be with me. I just forced myself not to cry in front of him but he cried a lot. I live alone in a small apartment. I have so much going on in my life. He was my peace every day. He was my joy what I had to look forward to. He was my ear when I was feeling angry or stressed or nervous. He was my best friend too. We talked all day every day. We had a routine. I never felt uncomfortable with anything with him. I was able to get through the virus because I had this, and now it is gone. What am I going to do? And now, I will be alone in this tiny apartment devastated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this? What do I do? How do I move on from this? I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men. This is my 5th time in life being heartbroken. The other was just Jan of 2017. I don’t know how I’ll go through it again with everything else. It’s not like the others; I have zero anger towards him. I don't blame him for this. All I can do is keep communication open because who knows where we will be post pandemic. Although I have told myself i am taking time to not talk to him, and I am not holding out for him because that is something that might never happen for us. The window for us might be closed forever. He was such a great guy. The ones that are not easy to come by. Usually, about now, I would be thinking about how maybe I can get him back if I stay silent and all of that—reading relationship recovery books and articles. This isn’t that. There is nothing to recover. We were both happy. We live on opposite sides of the world. The virus made our relationship impossible, and it came at the worst time. Even a year from now, he would have already been here. I don’t know if I have ever been this sad before. It’s not like the other breakups. This feels worse because it was great. I hate this virus. Any coping techniques, motivating words or anything positive would be great. I feel so miserable. I miss him dearly and it has only been a day of mostly not talking. I did text him once to say i wanted to keep open communication once i feel a little better. That resulted in a little back and fourth. How am I to go without talking to him. My neighbor thinks he'll think he made a mistake in a week or two.
  6. Hey y'all! Just for those that don't know me yet, I'm a 36-year-old woman and I live in a big city in Australia. When I was 13 years old, I was bullied at school and I started speaking to my high school counsellor. I thought she was really nice and helpful and I decided that when I "grow up", I wanted to have her job. In the last two years of high school I decided to study psychology, which I really enjoyed. I actually had a two hour long assessment once in my late 20's with a psychiatrist specialising in ADHD. I'd shown some milder symptoms of ADHD and my other psychiatrist suggested I do the assessment. It came out of the assessment that I probably do have it. But was not advised to take dexamthetamines due to having had mental health issues which are likely to be made worse by stimulant medication. So, couldn't really do much regarding the ADHD medication wise. I also wasn't 100% sure if I really had it because the psychiatrist didn't say it was 100% certain, but likely. I struggled really badly at university with concentration and time management. I did notice even pre mobile/cell phones or any social media that I couldn't really focus on reading text books. I'd sit in a cubicle in the library and keep reading the same page but it didn't seem to be sinking in that well. I didn't have a cell phone to distract me and I was alone, so I didn't actually have anything getting in the way of the reading. I couldn't focus on doing assignments except when I did them the night before or on the day they were due. Then I felt this surge of anxiety and stress that it had to be done and very quickly I would hone in on it and do it all in literally one go. I wouldn't sleep all night and I'd get it done. I was really good at writing and I got OK marks. I could have gotten pretty high marks I think if I didn't do everything at the last minute. I'm also obsessed with shopping and shop impulsively. I also am very bad at organising my house and hoard stuff. Anyway, it took me a long time but I got my university degree, a Bachelor of Arts with psychology major. I didn't continue to study psychology because it required a huge amount of statistics and data, and I was actually really bad at it. I hardly passed the statistics. I also took some time off my degree and I got qualifications at community college (TAFE). I got a Certificate 4 in Mental Health and Drugs and Alcohol and a Diploma of Disability. I really liked community college because it suited my learning struggles. It was very hands on where most of the assignments were very directly work related. E.g. Doing a presentation about a particular mental health service, presenting a case management plan for a fake client, things like that. There were a lot of role plays, where one person was the worker and one acted as the client and you practice actual techniques. You could also submit work late and as long as the work was satisfactory, you still passed. Eight years ago I did some volunteer work with a church mental health programme and in an art programme for people with disability. From there I got references and got actual paid work. Since 2013 I've been working in not-for-profit mental health/disability services as a support worker. I've been in my current job for five years. I really enjoy helping people but I've been finding my job a bit monotonous and boring. I also don't work on a team, only one-on-one with clients in their home or out in the community. I was thinking that I wanted to get a higher and more varied role. Like counsellor or case manager. I started thinking that I'd like to do a Masters of Social Work. In the last few weeks I got this E-mail from my previous university because I'm an alumni there. They were writing that the government is actually paying for some post graduate courses because this work is in high demand. There was a Postgraduate Diploma of Counselling which is free to do. Normally courses are not free. You can borrow money from the government. You get a loan in the sense that the government pays for your course. But once you work and start earning over $50, 000 per year, the government takes 10% from each pay until all the debt was paid off. This is an automatic deduction which you can't control and the money just gets taken from your pay. So I began thinking I could do this free counselling course. But I'm a little worried because the only work you can do with those subjects is counselling. It's not a social work degree, which allows you to apply for a large variety of roles, like case manager, etc. If I finish it but I find that doing actual counselling is not for me, I might be back to square one. It's a lot of effort for me to study and do the assignments due to my concentration issues. I mean, I can do it but it's not a piece of cake. I want to try counselling but I'm also wondering if I have the right personality for it. I think I'm a very caring person and have done well in my support worker jobs. But it's not counselling in the sense that I have to mostly just listen to people. I'm actually very talkative and bubbly and in my own personal conversations with friends and family I talk a lot. I was worried that I might struggle to just be mostly silent in counselling work and only listen to others. On the other hand, the course is free and that is a big advantage. I already have a huge education debt with the government because I failed many subjects in my university degree, but I still have to pay for them because I didn't withdraw from the unit. I also put my whole Diploma of Disability on the loan, which was maybe about $6000. The university degree is probably about $20, 000+. It seems good to do something for free but of course it requires time. And I am still working at my job too, but it's an online course. Any thoughts or suggestions? How am I doing on here? Do you think I have any potential to be a counsellor?
  7. Hello Everyone, Been married a little over 7 years. I started noticing changes in my wife when she started a new job back in June of last year, working late, dressing different, guarding her phone. To make a long story short, my wife now spends more time with her new boss than she does with me. There have been at least 2 different incidents where I caught them doing what I consider to be flirting (she disagrees) and she even gave him a very expensive watch for Christmas. (she's never given me a watch) They text after work and at all hours of the night, I've even caught her texting him when she was supposed to be having a romantic dinner, alone with me. Every time I try to sit her down and have a calm conversation with her about all this, we just end up arguing and I end up on the couch, she thinks I'm overreacting and she even claims that maybe I'm being a little insecure about the fact that she now earns more than me. She says there is nothing going on between them, that she's only trying to make a good impression and I'm being paranoid, she says she loves me and wouldn't be with me if she wanted someone else and I really want to believe her. This weekend they are supposed to go away for a convention and she'll be gone for 2 weeks. I've already told her that I feel uncomfortable about the trip and now she says I'm controlling and she seems determined to go whether I like it or not. I don't know who this person is, but it's not the woman I married, she's turned into some sort of cold-hearted Ice Queen, our sex life is down the drain and she gets irritated easily and picks fights with me about stupid stuff. Despite all of this I still love my wife very much, but I'm beginning to think I can't compete with her new boss, he's 10 years younger than me, single and filthy rich. I'm at a loss for what to do, part of me wants to walk away and another part wants to fight for my marriage, but I don't even know where to start, I've never been in this situation before, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  8. I know astrological signs have very little do when dating but I feel that in my situation it is hard to not acknowledge it. I'm a Pisces and he's a Virgo. Most site tell us we are Long-lasting love. And it sure feels like it when we are together! However he always seems to disappear. It like that old saying, out of sight out of mind. Which is hard to accept seeing how great we are and look together. Everyone can tell how attentive he is when we are together and i've been told by his friends how great I am for him. So its frustrating to go a week or two without hearing from him. I know we both have very intense jobs, and we both aim to reach a lifestyle that we have always dreamed off. Which makes me appreciate all his hard work even more. We also live about 45 to 55 mins away from each other, which I don't mind having to ride the subway nor does he mind driving me. So I don't understand why he tends to pull back, could it be because I'm a 10 years younger then him? I don't know what to think at this point. I don't want to come off like annoying or clingy but there is this energy and chemistry between us (he even told me this) that is unavoidable that makes it hard to move on. So my question is do I give up after 6 months and suffer alittle and hope find someone who doesn't ignore my texts?
  9. Hello, I have a crush on a coworker at the school I work at, which developed a few months ago. We both work together at the after school club and are a similar age (24). There's been some instances where I don't know if he likes me too or is just being friendly. He's French and moved here in October, and I've been helping him practice his English at work. Some kids at work said we're in love so planned our wedding and we got "married". I've often seen him looking at me and looks away when I catch him. He always makes jokes and laughs with me (again, probably just friendly but my crush brain wants to think otherwise haha). He told me that he always thinks about me when he sees / hears about a football player because we're from the same place. This is long but I'm just giving instances where I've wondered if he feels similarly.. He recently brought clothes shopping with him to work, and another colleague asked him why he had all of them and he said it was because he needed to impress me, then told me not to worry and that he was trying & getting there (said in French so might not translate the same). I know it was a joke but there was an annoying part of me that wondered if he meant it a little. He also repeats my name a lot to himself, e.g. after he's said hello to me he'll repeat it, or after someone else says my name he starts to repeat it to himself. An old friend of mine works at the school during the week and said she thinks he likes me. Not sure if that means anything but there we go 🙂 Sorry this is so long! But I'd appreciate any replies as I'm annoyed at myself for overthinking little things about our interactions haha.
  10. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  11. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  12. Hey all, I'm writing so as to get some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I met my "ex" (we didn't get to call ourselves bf/gf) about two years ago. We work together and it took us a while to hook up. She was in a relationship were she was being heavily manipulated and it took her a long while and a lot of therapy to finally get herself rid from her ex. Once this relationship was over, we started going out. We dated for around 6 months and everything was going perfect. Out of the blue, she told me she wanted to talk with me and explained that she liked everything about me but that she felt that after her previous relationship she didn't have time for herself. We discussed about what the best course of action could be, she mentioned she was not feeling right to be in a relationship with me but she wasn't sure that she wanted to break up either. I offered her to take some time apart but she didn't feel that was right since she would feel guilty if she felt I was waiting for her to give me some kind of feedback, as she wasn't exactly sure about how she was feeling. I suggested we break up and that was it. It was amicable and I went straight into LC (meaning I'll only talk work with her or discuss whatever topic is at hand whenever we have lunch with the team; we do have lunch together every weekday). After the break up I was devastated but pulled the little energy I had to make it seem in our lunches as if I was OK. The first few weeks she'd try to fight with me about anything and I would just divert the talking to anything else to avoid confrontation. When we broke up, she did mention I was no regular guy and that said she was doing everything so as to take care of the relationship we had; she didn't want to ruin it because of her doubts. Her attitude these first two weeks was very contradictory. Moving forward, the relationship got better and she stopped trying to pick fights with me. At around the 4th week mark, I called her and just asked how she was feeling about the whole break up thing and did mention that it had been a rough time for me as she had given me no clear reason to break up in first place. I did ask her to break my heart if she had to and be honest, be it she didn't like me anymore, had no more feelings or anything. She denied everything and mentioned that she did have feelings for me, she did like me and would have a great time with me, but that she felt that we were ready to be bf/gf and she was not yet ready for that, as her previous experience had been too rough and was just not ready to start a new relationship. I said it was OK and thanked her for the time to talk, went straight back to the same LC I previously mentioned. That was 2 weeks ago. Everything went on fine and I've started to feel better myself, I think it might actually be showing since I'm in a better mood generally speaking and doing fine. However, what's killing me right now is that for the past 3 days she's been trying really hard to avoid me. Not just that, she's trying to make me notice that she's avoiding me. We'll be in meeting rooms where there's just 3 of us and she will just rotate her chair and make me face her back. She is now trying to contradict what I say again and it's becoming a pain. I'm trying to keep everything as professional as possible as that's the right thing to do. While I'm focused in moving on, this is also a relationship I don't want to completely discard and make moves that might push her far away. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. Shall I ignore her bad attitude as I'm doing and show indifference? Shall I confront her about it? Why might she be behaving in this way towards me? Just in case you even think about it, I did not beg, cry, became needy or anything. I've learnt this from my past relationship and refrained from doing anything of the sort even though my brain wanted me to do so.
  13. Why do some guys wait for you to initiate, make plans or even text first? I have been on 3 dates in the past month and it's the same rigomor each time. Connections are really good, lots of talking, smiling and even an offer to hang out again, but no date set. They sit back and wait for you to get in touch & offer to meet up again. In 2 cases the guys sounded super enthused & the dates go great. But I do all the leading. Isn't that the man's job?
  14. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  15. I just found out that one of the places I work for, well they don’t just favour their main tech for shows, I’m not the second person on the list of possible people to book I’m lower (how low who knows). And above me is a tech that I gave them the contact details for. He’s a consummate tech all good but I’m consummate too and I was working there first! I’ve been doing odd shows for this company for going on 6 years and in that time they’ve had a revolving door of preferred techs, I’ve never been at the top, and I’ve never fallen off the list completely. I like to tell myself the others are cheaper or faster or better because they can heft staging and truss around as well, but I don’t know really what the calculus is. I think I do a good job of the actual sound engineering. Sometimes clients mention specifically that I’m great and it’s been great working with me. I did have one really bad shift late last year where the boss expected me to get x, y, z done in 3 hours and in 3 and a half hours I had only managed x and y. I don’t know why I was so slow that day. I do think in general I’m just not a fast worker, more methodical and slow is my nature, and at 33 years old, I don’t really know that I can change this. It’s much worse when I’m trying to do things at home I just really struggle to keep focussed on the task at hand. But mixing live music doesn’t require you to be fast like that (it Does require you to be fast in your reactions to what is going on in audio land but I Am fast at that, noticeably more efficient than other techs I’ve seen working....I don’t think my boss know enough about sound to be able to see that though, certainly no one gives the slightest care to how people’s mixes actually sound in my experience, so that, something I am good at, is not valued a the places I work really). It’s been really upsetting to learn this, triggering a negative spiral where I think about all the other places where I’m not top of the list (there have been a hecking lot of them over the years). Is this me getting a concussion on the glass ceiling again? Do I just suck? Am I fine at the job but my personality is too esoteric and quirky and people try not to book me because they just don’t like my company? I don’t think I can improve my standing with this company, if someone doesn’t value you they don’t value you right? And jumping up and down crying “WHY DON’T YOU VALUE ME” won’t help at all. It feels like eating a sh*t sandwich taking the absolute dregs of what work is available, it really really Really does. But I don’t exactly have other job options knocking at my door. Pragmatically speaking I must do the jobs I have been booked for to the best of my ability and hope I creep back up the list as I put more and more good shows between me and that set up where I was too slow. Pragmatic thinking does nothing to temper my emotional reaction to the knowledge I am held in disdain. Best outcome would be finding work somewhere else that keeps me busy enough that I can be in the same position as my colleague, saying no to their shifts because I’m already booked. I’ve been in this industry for 13 years, he’s been in it maybe 5. He was already eclipsing me when we first met and that’s probably 4, 5 years ago. I say again he does a good mix and he’s a hard worker. But have also done and been those things, and I do not progress in the same way, and I never know if that’s gender or my work is not up to scratch. I do know though that no one has ever been willing to take me under their wing and mentor me and I get the feeling that does happen to techs who are embraced and employed by hire companies (for all that I have done working in this industry, and I do actually make a comfortable living from being a sound tech, mentoring from more experienced techs is really not something I’ve had access to, there are so many industry standard things I just don’t know because most of my skill set has been work it out on the job learnt.) Also pragmatic I guess, if there was a way I could ask why I am low on that list of contacts that made it sound like I was trying to do some professional development rather than just petulance, I should ask. Anyone that has a good script for broaching that’s topic I would be very very grateful. Thanks for reading this far you rock! TLDR: I’m not valued at work and I want to find out why without it sounding like me whining. Also it’s upsetting to learn how true that statement is
  16. Hi.been seeing small little signs thats made me feel really insecure in my relationship lately i just feel with my gut that alls not well an there may be someone else on the scene...ive started a new job..an our sex life has become non existant lately...an she always asks when im home ...ive noticed small little things which i wont go into that are beginning to add up ..just now im in work and on a quick break..im texting her..an i get this random text..calling?? I text back an say whats that mean..an she replies its a predictive text error...i hit random buttons as i put down the fone an the fone sent this to u! Now...i know its a small thing but...im thinkin thats meant for someone else an was sent to me instead. Just a lot of things really dont add up lately and im thinkin its time for a chat...about where we stand . Before i do..just need a bit of advice..am i being paranoid or does that sound like its a typical text error??
  17. In this journal I will write about my daily life and some general thoughts. I like to write down my thoughts so a journal on ENA would be the ideal place. I will keep practicing my English too. Funny how easy is to forget something if you don’t practice it . I got a good job as web developer the previous week .It’s my first serious job and it will affect my whole career as I am going to be in the IT field for the rest of my life. So, a new chapter is beginning. I haven’t been placed in a team yet but this will happen next week. Probably as a front end developer but it’s inevitable to work in the back end as well . The good thing about web development compared to other parts of the IT field is that you can create something alone from scratch and you can actually “see” what you develop . A guy at work told me about grails which is a really cool “tool” for web development because it’s very easy to connect the pages with the databases . But what we actually do at work is not web development. We just use a platform called ATG (created by Oracle) to make an online store (e-commerce) . Anyway enough with the these stuff . I got accepted for a MSc in Finance at Kent and Reading universities but I don’t think I will go now that I found this job as work experience is way more important than studies plus it’s 40k-50k pounds .Pretty hefty fiscal burden for my parents. It would have been a nice experience though… I have been told Kent is really beautiful . I would have taken some cool photos haha . Ok enough for today . I am tired …
  18. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  19. Hi. This is a slightly unusual post in that I'm not asking for advice on a particular dating situation but more on my general mindset. In more than one dating situation in the last couple of years, I've begun dating a woman (I'm male, straight, 35 by the way), I've become attached before she's then displayed really unpleasant behaviour (i.e. obvious dealbreakers). But I really struggle to emotionally let go. I struggle to let the reality of her behaviour and actions take precedence over the emotional connection I've built up, and even after they've behaved in such a way, I still yearn for them and want nothing more than for their face to pop up on my phone saying I've got a message from them. Let me give a couple of examples: Girl 1 (who I dated for about 5 months, late 2017 having met on Tinder) On Date 4, she mentioned in chatting that she had a date with someone else the following day. This leads to a conversation in which we both agree to stop using Tinder. The following week, I see she's still on it and has updated her photos. Blows very hot and cold throughout the time we date, at times totally love bombing me, at others not replying to messages for over a day. After about 2 months, I see 'arrange date with Ant' on a to do list on her laptop. She brushes it off as 'Ant's the guy who's doing my van conversion, it's just a date for him to do the work'. After 4 months, I see Tinder on her phone again (we'd both deleted it a couple of months earlier). She brushes it off with 'I just put it back on my phone to show my friend how it all works' Eventually, after numerous cancellations on her part, I summoned up the strength to end things. But because of my huge emotional attachment to her, I continued to contact her for months after and after about 3 months, almost begged for her to give it another try. Girl 2 (who I dated for only 1 and a half months very recently, having met through Meetup) After a month and a half of dating (with no relationship talk), she drunkenly kisses a guy who I'd thought of as one of my closest friends. She messages me the following morning to confess. In the ensuing argument (which takes place first on the phone and then by text), she says some truly horrible despicable things to me (that I won't repeat on here). We stop seeing each other and I don't see her again for 6 weeks until yesterday when we're both at the same social event as part of the same social group. We get talking again a bit as part of the group and I buy her a drink when buying a round for several people. She admits 'I don't deserve this from you. I've been a tw*t'. 10 minutes later, she vanishes, no bye to anyone. I drop her an 'everything ok?' message, and get back 'ah sorry, had to go meet a friend'. Again, inspite of her earlier behaviour and her rudeness yesterday in disappearing without a goodbye, I still yearn for contact from her. So as I said, I struggle emotionally to let go anyone I get attached to regardless of how badly they treat me. The daft thing is that if anybody else on here posted the above stories, I'd say without a second thought “get rid. Go and find someone who deserves you”. Can anybody relate? Any advice on how I can stop my heart from ruling my head in these situations?
  20. Hello, I am a 23 year old male, introvert, going to school, working, had hobbies ect. Ive noticed that when I get into a relationship, i start to lose my want and determination to life, which then goes to me looking insecure and looking like someone who just doesnt have his life together. It only happens when I get into a commited relationship. Mayhbe 3-4 months down the line. I start finding everything my partner does as "annoying" and childish. I lose my motivation to go to the gym, to work on my car, to play my guitar, ect.. I mainly just go to work (which i find boring at this point.. and dont want to do that either) and come home and eat snacks and sleep. And hang out with my significant other and do activities that I find boring. To clarify this last part i just said, in the beginning of the relationship I feel like doing everything, such as taking them traveling with me, hiking, eating out, going to the gym ect. All these activities i enjoy doing with them. And that is what initially attracts the girl to me in my opinion. I have so much fun and a great time. But down the line, 5 months out, i dont want to do anything. I dont want to drive there, i dont want to pick her up anymore, i dont want to go out.. ect. I just want to stay in my little town and if she wants, she can come here. She lives about 20 mins from me, which isnt a problem at all. I just dont put in the effort like i used to. I am in a relationship now and am starting to feel this way. And i have now noticed that this happens in every relationship. Its annoying and makes my partner like me less. Which is completely understandable. I havent gone to the gym in over a month and have gained about 10 pounds from sitting around. Im not motivated to do anything. She has tried new things out like buy lingerie, take me to new places, ect. But im just bored. Dont want to do anything. Is there a cure for this or is this normal? Does this happen to you guys sometimes? Why does it happen? Im just confused.
  21. Hey y'all. I need some advice on how to deal with my current "relationship" with my boss. I've known him since December of last year, where I started working at my current job, which is probably the best job I've had so far. He's not the head manager, but he's right below that position, along with four other people. He's been with the company since it first started, and everyone who works there likes him because he has such a friendly, funny, and laidback personality, but is still professional at the same time. I've always liked him more so than the other managers, but only until recently had we started to joke around more and become friendlier with each other. There's a 17 year age gap between us (he’s 38, I’m 21), and I've known for a while that he has a girlfriend whom he's been going out with for about three years (I asked him about her casually on Valentine's Day this year, and he said that this year they would be celebrating their third anniversary). Anyways, just a few weeks ago, we had been texting each other, and then one night, while he was giving me a ride home, we went out for drinks at this really nice restaurant (which I didn't know at the time), all of which he suggested. We had a great time, although I felt kinda “off” about it since I wasn't entirely sure if this was work-appropriate, and the server was giving us strange looks as well (probably trying to figure out if we were bf/gf or father/daughter, etc., haha). While on the way home, I was already a bit tipsy, and leaned on his shoulder as he drove. He then rubbed my shoulders with his free hand, and then later on, when we were at my front door, we hugged each other really tight for a long time. After that night, we were texting each other throughout the work day, and then eventually, we started sending suggestive text messages. I soon responded with an *extremely* racy text. That caused him to say that he wanted to see me that night, which he did, driving all the way from his house to mine. We then proceeded to have sex in his car that night, which was an intensely pleasurable experience for both of us, probably heightened by the fact that he's my superior at work, is taken, and is a bit older than me. Ever since then, we've been meeting up either after work to have sex with each other, or even during work, when we have to run upstairs to a separate room to get more merchandise, we sneak into areas where there's no cameras and make out or touch each other, all short of actual sex. I'm not sure how to deal with this, as this is the first time I've engaged in this sort of "forbidden" relationship (I thought this only existed in t.v., books, movies, etc.). None of my close friends have ever been in this situation, and since I'm the most experienced out of them all (I've had one other boyfriend, who I'm not with anymore, and was sexually active with), I can't really ask any of them for help with this. We're both striving to keep this a secret between us two from anyone else at work, as we could both get instantly fired. I think that some of my co-workers suspect that there's something going on between us two, but they can't prove anything and just joke about us. The issues that bother me a lot are (1) he *currently* has a girlfriend, which makes me question how he could be having this type of relationship with me at the same time that he's dating her, and (2) I'm afraid of developing feelings for him, as we both know that we don't want to go out with each other or even if a stable, long-term relationship could form from this. He's very reluctant to talk about his girlfriend when I ask him, so I've stopped asking him about her. How should I proceed from here on out? I *do* enjoy the sex quite a bit, and I've been anxious for some sexual release for a while, but I know deep down that my current dalliance with my boss won't last forever, nor is it healthy (for both me, and for him and his gf's relationship). At the moment I’m single, but I would like to have a stable, long-term relationship eventually...
  22. Hello dear ones, Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts. Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short. I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about. My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again. All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god. I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment. How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship? Thank you in advance.
  23. This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow. When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke." I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began. It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one. After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess. It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit. Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around. As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse. My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted. I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself. When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened. Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted. I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end. Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face. The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart. I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention. When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life. At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently. During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment . I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below. Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart. Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity. I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force. I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out. October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it. I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone. Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter. I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place. She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed. During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was. Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me. Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.
  24. Hello everyone I haven't been active in this forum for a very long time because of the many obligations I have had during this year. I live in Europe. Now I am a graduated medical doctor working as a general doctor. Excuse my spelling mistakes english is my second language. I think the last time I posted in here is a year ago or a year and a half ago when I was not yet engaged and had other relationship issues, since then things have been going pretty well overall. My boyfriend and I got engaged 6 months ago. I'll just cut to the chase of the problem: My fiancé is also a doctor and one of the staff members at his work was going to retire and so they organised a staff dinner party. At first my fiance said he didn't feel like going and was not planning to, then the next day we met he said that he had decided to go because he didn't want to stand out as the only one that does not go. I was like ok that's cool. It was about 5pm when we had met for coffee and the dinner was starting at 8. As we were chatting he getts a text message reads it, and immediately erases it but writes something back before deleting it. He thinks I didn't notice that he did that. So I didn't say anything because I wasn't quite sure what went on. We continued our conversation and he again got a text, but this time before deleting it again I told him hey why won't you put your phone on the table who is texting you. He was like I asked a nurse when the dinner party was starting. (This nurse is someone that has a crush on my fiancé he even admited it ). I took my fiancé's phone and read the text and she had wrote "let's meet for coffee before the dinner party and then we'll go to the dinner party together". I was so upset. I told him why he had to ask excatly this nurse that has a crush on him when he could have asked a million other staff members on what time the dinner party starts. He said that he asked others and they hadn't yet responded and that she is his friend and can talk easier to her. I told him he knew when the dinner party starts and that was just an excuse to find out if this nurse will be at the dinner party and also an excuse to make plans with her on going to the dinner party together and have coffee with her before that. Once I found out, he then wrote a text back to her to tell her that he will be going straight to the dinner party meaning that he will not meet her before the dinner party but will go straight there alone. I was still very angry why he would accept on making plans with a nurse that clearly is interested in him (eventhough he is engaged to me). And told him he is sneaky because he deleted her message before my face. He said he knew I would get upset she was texting him and that's why he had to delete it. I told him I am very upset that he was the first one that texted her asking her what time the dinner party was when he could of asked any other colleague. I told him that he had iniciated the conversation of course she will respond. And also told him why would he text and make plans with a nurse that he knows and everyone knows that she clearly has a crush on him !!!! He said that the plan wasn't just him and the nurse meeting beforehand and that if they would have met another man colleague would be coming, it wouldn't have been just the two of them. But I didn't buy that. P.s. it never bothers me when she texts him for work related issues. I am SO angry I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed 😥 I told him if he is bored by me or wants to break off the egagement he should just say so he doesn't have to do things behind my back. He said I am being unreasonably jealous and acting schizophrenic !! I am also angry about his namecalling towards me.
  25. ppp86

    Trust issues

    Hi I am looking for some advice possibly from someone who is in or has been in a similar situation to me in the past. I have been with my partner for 3 years and our life is almost perfect apart from one niggling matter that comes up alot when we have a drink.. mostly on my part. a year ago i found out he had been messaging a girl from his past behind my back, telling her she looked amazing etc. i believe thats all it was as he has promised me this. and to most people i guess this is nothing to worry about. but i do. all the time. before i met my oh i was in a relationship for 10 years with somone who treated me very badly. he was controlling and abusive and he cheated on me multiple times. i have been to cbt counselling because of this but i am not sure if it has worked for me. i just cant get this betrayal of trust out of my head. i know to most it will seem very petty on my part. any advice on how i get past this will be grratly appreciated... be as brutal as u like ... tia xxx
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