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  1. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  2. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  3. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  4. hi this isn’t exactly relationship advice but i don't know where else to post this and don’t know what else to do. so i work at a country club and a few weeks ago a new banquet captain was hired. and over the short amount of time he’s been here he’s put his hands on multiple of the women employees (some underage, including myself). usually he’ll touch or grab our waists or just our backs, he’s put his hands on my face before too. it makes us all feel really uncomfortable and multiple of us have told him to stop before, which he hasn’t. he also calls us all sweetheart, baby, cutie, etc. he’s also straight up told me i was cute before and told me i was being seductive to him when i told him to “come here” in the most normal way possible. i’m 16, he’s 30. this is just everything that has happened to me so far and i couldn’t even tell you all the things he’s said or done to the other girls in the workplace, some as young as 15. but, what my main concern and breaking point really is is that he said racist things to one of the black employees, calling him a “colored person”. i only found this out today but apparently this took place only a few days after this guy started. this is everything that has happened in a matter of about 3 weeks and i’ve gotten to the point where i don’t want to work with him anymore because he disgusts me in every way possible and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to be around. i like my job and all of my other coworkers besides him so i don’t want to quit but i don’t know what to do. do i try reporting him to the general manager? what do i even say and how do i put it into words? i just want him out of this place because its making my job an uncomfortable environment, and not just for me. i don’t know if they would be hesitant to fire him since he is the banquet captain.
  5. New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics. Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didn’t (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and she’d spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise. I was upset at first and didn’t talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it. As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons). She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that. I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - I’m not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere. She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold I’d say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didn’t say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didn’t feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, don’t know… She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didn’t plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didn’t want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I can’t have contact with her now so it’s me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said she’d like that. I left it at that and went back to NC. She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - “you definitely should”.
  6. Hi! So I've just completed an internship at a company. I think I did a decent job and was well-liked among colleagues and customers. During this internship, I developed a friendship with a colleague and we flirted a bit. On my last day, she told me she would miss me but unfortunately I forgot to ask for any kind of contact details. She even said (jokingly) she would try to find out my number from the company's system which I should have probably taken as a hint. I think I would deeply regret if I never met this person again but I am now faced with the following dilemma: Her work email is the only way I have of getting in touch with them. On a scale of 1-10, how creepy/wrong would it be to contact her on her work email? It also doesn't help the situation that I am leaving the country in a few weeks. Any advice is appreciated, I'm really not sure what to do here.
  7. So, I had a zoom conference with some old friends. I have moved out of the country and only get to see them every so often. I was a bit apprehensive about going onto the call, I don't know why, I almost ducked out of it.. But I went on anyway... It was fun, lots of laughs, had a few beers along the way... my gf was on the call with me also... she is friends with some of them also, so I was out getting a drink and interrupted her to ask her something, she said "hang on I'm chatting with my friends".. something inside me flicked and I was fuming .. after that I was micro analysing everything for the rest of the call, had an argument with her after, and she went to bed... I had this overwhelming feeling of lonliness, betrayal she was taking my friends, uselessness, nobody liking me and just a lot of disgust at myself for feeling like this.... I have thought about suicide for a number of years, almost flirting with the idea I guess... but this night I actually went to do it. I have never before, no matter how bad I was feeling. I took a TRX strap, hung it off the door, wrapped it round my neck and let my legs go limp... I was hanging there for about 40-60 seconds... the pressure building in my head was more uncomfortable than the need for a breath.... I could feel myself getting dozy, then something flicked in me again, "if you don't stand up this is it.." I thought.... so I did... took everything down and started crying... I woke my gf back up, but she thought I was going to have another go at her, so didn't want to hear anything from me... It's been 2 days since that now... I feel terrible for the fight, I feel terrible on a whole... but most of all, I've frightened myself that I was actually almost going to do it..... I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I've actually passed the point of toying with the idea to actually doing it, I'm afraid that I coud get to that point again.... The problem is me, I lack self confidence, I lack friends where we live, I lack validation, but for what I don't know... I have a good job, but was not enjoying it so much before all this lockdown happened, but it's paying the bills, I'm still learning and still saving for a house. My gf is great, although I have always had an issue with how gregarious she is, I sometimes feel less around her with friends... I know all that is 100% me.... but that usually turns into me giving out to her about something in social situations... I am keeping fit, I am working towards a degree part time and have a kid who I've been able to spend loads of time with thanks to lockdown... yet I still feel so empty at times.... I had anger issues when we first moved to where we are now, I went to get help and the health services initially diagnosed anxiety... they messed up my records though, sent my appointments to a different address, things got disjointed so I never went back... I felt a lot better then so I thought I could deal with whatever was up, but it seems to comes in waves every few months, maybe over the weekend I was feeling down but didn't recognise it.... Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far... I don't know who to speak to or even how to approach the issue, I feel so embarrassed by it all now...
  8. Hey y'all! Just for those that don't know me yet, I'm a 36-year-old woman and I live in a big city in Australia. When I was 13 years old, I was bullied at school and I started speaking to my high school counsellor. I thought she was really nice and helpful and I decided that when I "grow up", I wanted to have her job. In the last two years of high school I decided to study psychology, which I really enjoyed. I actually had a two hour long assessment once in my late 20's with a psychiatrist specialising in ADHD. I'd shown some milder symptoms of ADHD and my other psychiatrist suggested I do the assessment. It came out of the assessment that I probably do have it. But was not advised to take dexamthetamines due to having had mental health issues which are likely to be made worse by stimulant medication. So, couldn't really do much regarding the ADHD medication wise. I also wasn't 100% sure if I really had it because the psychiatrist didn't say it was 100% certain, but likely. I struggled really badly at university with concentration and time management. I did notice even pre mobile/cell phones or any social media that I couldn't really focus on reading text books. I'd sit in a cubicle in the library and keep reading the same page but it didn't seem to be sinking in that well. I didn't have a cell phone to distract me and I was alone, so I didn't actually have anything getting in the way of the reading. I couldn't focus on doing assignments except when I did them the night before or on the day they were due. Then I felt this surge of anxiety and stress that it had to be done and very quickly I would hone in on it and do it all in literally one go. I wouldn't sleep all night and I'd get it done. I was really good at writing and I got OK marks. I could have gotten pretty high marks I think if I didn't do everything at the last minute. I'm also obsessed with shopping and shop impulsively. I also am very bad at organising my house and hoard stuff. Anyway, it took me a long time but I got my university degree, a Bachelor of Arts with psychology major. I didn't continue to study psychology because it required a huge amount of statistics and data, and I was actually really bad at it. I hardly passed the statistics. I also took some time off my degree and I got qualifications at community college (TAFE). I got a Certificate 4 in Mental Health and Drugs and Alcohol and a Diploma of Disability. I really liked community college because it suited my learning struggles. It was very hands on where most of the assignments were very directly work related. E.g. Doing a presentation about a particular mental health service, presenting a case management plan for a fake client, things like that. There were a lot of role plays, where one person was the worker and one acted as the client and you practice actual techniques. You could also submit work late and as long as the work was satisfactory, you still passed. Eight years ago I did some volunteer work with a church mental health programme and in an art programme for people with disability. From there I got references and got actual paid work. Since 2013 I've been working in not-for-profit mental health/disability services as a support worker. I've been in my current job for five years. I really enjoy helping people but I've been finding my job a bit monotonous and boring. I also don't work on a team, only one-on-one with clients in their home or out in the community. I was thinking that I wanted to get a higher and more varied role. Like counsellor or case manager. I started thinking that I'd like to do a Masters of Social Work. In the last few weeks I got this E-mail from my previous university because I'm an alumni there. They were writing that the government is actually paying for some post graduate courses because this work is in high demand. There was a Postgraduate Diploma of Counselling which is free to do. Normally courses are not free. You can borrow money from the government. You get a loan in the sense that the government pays for your course. But once you work and start earning over $50, 000 per year, the government takes 10% from each pay until all the debt was paid off. This is an automatic deduction which you can't control and the money just gets taken from your pay. So I began thinking I could do this free counselling course. But I'm a little worried because the only work you can do with those subjects is counselling. It's not a social work degree, which allows you to apply for a large variety of roles, like case manager, etc. If I finish it but I find that doing actual counselling is not for me, I might be back to square one. It's a lot of effort for me to study and do the assignments due to my concentration issues. I mean, I can do it but it's not a piece of cake. I want to try counselling but I'm also wondering if I have the right personality for it. I think I'm a very caring person and have done well in my support worker jobs. But it's not counselling in the sense that I have to mostly just listen to people. I'm actually very talkative and bubbly and in my own personal conversations with friends and family I talk a lot. I was worried that I might struggle to just be mostly silent in counselling work and only listen to others. On the other hand, the course is free and that is a big advantage. I already have a huge education debt with the government because I failed many subjects in my university degree, but I still have to pay for them because I didn't withdraw from the unit. I also put my whole Diploma of Disability on the loan, which was maybe about $6000. The university degree is probably about $20, 000+. It seems good to do something for free but of course it requires time. And I am still working at my job too, but it's an online course. Any thoughts or suggestions? How am I doing on here? Do you think I have any potential to be a counsellor?
  9. Hello Everyone, Been married a little over 7 years. I started noticing changes in my wife when she started a new job back in June of last year, working late, dressing different, guarding her phone. To make a long story short, my wife now spends more time with her new boss than she does with me. There have been at least 2 different incidents where I caught them doing what I consider to be flirting (she disagrees) and she even gave him a very expensive watch for Christmas. (she's never given me a watch) They text after work and at all hours of the night, I've even caught her texting him when she was supposed to be having a romantic dinner, alone with me. Every time I try to sit her down and have a calm conversation with her about all this, we just end up arguing and I end up on the couch, she thinks I'm overreacting and she even claims that maybe I'm being a little insecure about the fact that she now earns more than me. She says there is nothing going on between them, that she's only trying to make a good impression and I'm being paranoid, she says she loves me and wouldn't be with me if she wanted someone else and I really want to believe her. This weekend they are supposed to go away for a convention and she'll be gone for 2 weeks. I've already told her that I feel uncomfortable about the trip and now she says I'm controlling and she seems determined to go whether I like it or not. I don't know who this person is, but it's not the woman I married, she's turned into some sort of cold-hearted Ice Queen, our sex life is down the drain and she gets irritated easily and picks fights with me about stupid stuff. Despite all of this I still love my wife very much, but I'm beginning to think I can't compete with her new boss, he's 10 years younger than me, single and filthy rich. I'm at a loss for what to do, part of me wants to walk away and another part wants to fight for my marriage, but I don't even know where to start, I've never been in this situation before, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  10. I know astrological signs have very little do when dating but I feel that in my situation it is hard to not acknowledge it. I'm a Pisces and he's a Virgo. Most site tell us we are Long-lasting love. And it sure feels like it when we are together! However he always seems to disappear. It like that old saying, out of sight out of mind. Which is hard to accept seeing how great we are and look together. Everyone can tell how attentive he is when we are together and i've been told by his friends how great I am for him. So its frustrating to go a week or two without hearing from him. I know we both have very intense jobs, and we both aim to reach a lifestyle that we have always dreamed off. Which makes me appreciate all his hard work even more. We also live about 45 to 55 mins away from each other, which I don't mind having to ride the subway nor does he mind driving me. So I don't understand why he tends to pull back, could it be because I'm a 10 years younger then him? I don't know what to think at this point. I don't want to come off like annoying or clingy but there is this energy and chemistry between us (he even told me this) that is unavoidable that makes it hard to move on. So my question is do I give up after 6 months and suffer alittle and hope find someone who doesn't ignore my texts?
  11. Hello, I have a crush on a coworker at the school I work at, which developed a few months ago. We both work together at the after school club and are a similar age (24). There's been some instances where I don't know if he likes me too or is just being friendly. He's French and moved here in October, and I've been helping him practice his English at work. Some kids at work said we're in love so planned our wedding and we got "married". I've often seen him looking at me and looks away when I catch him. He always makes jokes and laughs with me (again, probably just friendly but my crush brain wants to think otherwise haha). He told me that he always thinks about me when he sees / hears about a football player because we're from the same place. This is long but I'm just giving instances where I've wondered if he feels similarly.. He recently brought clothes shopping with him to work, and another colleague asked him why he had all of them and he said it was because he needed to impress me, then told me not to worry and that he was trying & getting there (said in French so might not translate the same). I know it was a joke but there was an annoying part of me that wondered if he meant it a little. He also repeats my name a lot to himself, e.g. after he's said hello to me he'll repeat it, or after someone else says my name he starts to repeat it to himself. An old friend of mine works at the school during the week and said she thinks he likes me. Not sure if that means anything but there we go 🙂 Sorry this is so long! But I'd appreciate any replies as I'm annoyed at myself for overthinking little things about our interactions haha.
  12. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  13. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  14. Hey all, I'm writing so as to get some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I met my "ex" (we didn't get to call ourselves bf/gf) about two years ago. We work together and it took us a while to hook up. She was in a relationship were she was being heavily manipulated and it took her a long while and a lot of therapy to finally get herself rid from her ex. Once this relationship was over, we started going out. We dated for around 6 months and everything was going perfect. Out of the blue, she told me she wanted to talk with me and explained that she liked everything about me but that she felt that after her previous relationship she didn't have time for herself. We discussed about what the best course of action could be, she mentioned she was not feeling right to be in a relationship with me but she wasn't sure that she wanted to break up either. I offered her to take some time apart but she didn't feel that was right since she would feel guilty if she felt I was waiting for her to give me some kind of feedback, as she wasn't exactly sure about how she was feeling. I suggested we break up and that was it. It was amicable and I went straight into LC (meaning I'll only talk work with her or discuss whatever topic is at hand whenever we have lunch with the team; we do have lunch together every weekday). After the break up I was devastated but pulled the little energy I had to make it seem in our lunches as if I was OK. The first few weeks she'd try to fight with me about anything and I would just divert the talking to anything else to avoid confrontation. When we broke up, she did mention I was no regular guy and that said she was doing everything so as to take care of the relationship we had; she didn't want to ruin it because of her doubts. Her attitude these first two weeks was very contradictory. Moving forward, the relationship got better and she stopped trying to pick fights with me. At around the 4th week mark, I called her and just asked how she was feeling about the whole break up thing and did mention that it had been a rough time for me as she had given me no clear reason to break up in first place. I did ask her to break my heart if she had to and be honest, be it she didn't like me anymore, had no more feelings or anything. She denied everything and mentioned that she did have feelings for me, she did like me and would have a great time with me, but that she felt that we were ready to be bf/gf and she was not yet ready for that, as her previous experience had been too rough and was just not ready to start a new relationship. I said it was OK and thanked her for the time to talk, went straight back to the same LC I previously mentioned. That was 2 weeks ago. Everything went on fine and I've started to feel better myself, I think it might actually be showing since I'm in a better mood generally speaking and doing fine. However, what's killing me right now is that for the past 3 days she's been trying really hard to avoid me. Not just that, she's trying to make me notice that she's avoiding me. We'll be in meeting rooms where there's just 3 of us and she will just rotate her chair and make me face her back. She is now trying to contradict what I say again and it's becoming a pain. I'm trying to keep everything as professional as possible as that's the right thing to do. While I'm focused in moving on, this is also a relationship I don't want to completely discard and make moves that might push her far away. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. Shall I ignore her bad attitude as I'm doing and show indifference? Shall I confront her about it? Why might she be behaving in this way towards me? Just in case you even think about it, I did not beg, cry, became needy or anything. I've learnt this from my past relationship and refrained from doing anything of the sort even though my brain wanted me to do so.
  15. Why do some guys wait for you to initiate, make plans or even text first? I have been on 3 dates in the past month and it's the same rigomor each time. Connections are really good, lots of talking, smiling and even an offer to hang out again, but no date set. They sit back and wait for you to get in touch & offer to meet up again. In 2 cases the guys sounded super enthused & the dates go great. But I do all the leading. Isn't that the man's job?
  16. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  17. I just found out that one of the places I work for, well they don’t just favour their main tech for shows, I’m not the second person on the list of possible people to book I’m lower (how low who knows). And above me is a tech that I gave them the contact details for. He’s a consummate tech all good but I’m consummate too and I was working there first! I’ve been doing odd shows for this company for going on 6 years and in that time they’ve had a revolving door of preferred techs, I’ve never been at the top, and I’ve never fallen off the list completely. I like to tell myself the others are cheaper or faster or better because they can heft staging and truss around as well, but I don’t know really what the calculus is. I think I do a good job of the actual sound engineering. Sometimes clients mention specifically that I’m great and it’s been great working with me. I did have one really bad shift late last year where the boss expected me to get x, y, z done in 3 hours and in 3 and a half hours I had only managed x and y. I don’t know why I was so slow that day. I do think in general I’m just not a fast worker, more methodical and slow is my nature, and at 33 years old, I don’t really know that I can change this. It’s much worse when I’m trying to do things at home I just really struggle to keep focussed on the task at hand. But mixing live music doesn’t require you to be fast like that (it Does require you to be fast in your reactions to what is going on in audio land but I Am fast at that, noticeably more efficient than other techs I’ve seen working....I don’t think my boss know enough about sound to be able to see that though, certainly no one gives the slightest care to how people’s mixes actually sound in my experience, so that, something I am good at, is not valued a the places I work really). It’s been really upsetting to learn this, triggering a negative spiral where I think about all the other places where I’m not top of the list (there have been a hecking lot of them over the years). Is this me getting a concussion on the glass ceiling again? Do I just suck? Am I fine at the job but my personality is too esoteric and quirky and people try not to book me because they just don’t like my company? I don’t think I can improve my standing with this company, if someone doesn’t value you they don’t value you right? And jumping up and down crying “WHY DON’T YOU VALUE ME” won’t help at all. It feels like eating a sh*t sandwich taking the absolute dregs of what work is available, it really really Really does. But I don’t exactly have other job options knocking at my door. Pragmatically speaking I must do the jobs I have been booked for to the best of my ability and hope I creep back up the list as I put more and more good shows between me and that set up where I was too slow. Pragmatic thinking does nothing to temper my emotional reaction to the knowledge I am held in disdain. Best outcome would be finding work somewhere else that keeps me busy enough that I can be in the same position as my colleague, saying no to their shifts because I’m already booked. I’ve been in this industry for 13 years, he’s been in it maybe 5. He was already eclipsing me when we first met and that’s probably 4, 5 years ago. I say again he does a good mix and he’s a hard worker. But have also done and been those things, and I do not progress in the same way, and I never know if that’s gender or my work is not up to scratch. I do know though that no one has ever been willing to take me under their wing and mentor me and I get the feeling that does happen to techs who are embraced and employed by hire companies (for all that I have done working in this industry, and I do actually make a comfortable living from being a sound tech, mentoring from more experienced techs is really not something I’ve had access to, there are so many industry standard things I just don’t know because most of my skill set has been work it out on the job learnt.) Also pragmatic I guess, if there was a way I could ask why I am low on that list of contacts that made it sound like I was trying to do some professional development rather than just petulance, I should ask. Anyone that has a good script for broaching that’s topic I would be very very grateful. Thanks for reading this far you rock! TLDR: I’m not valued at work and I want to find out why without it sounding like me whining. Also it’s upsetting to learn how true that statement is
  18. Hi.been seeing small little signs thats made me feel really insecure in my relationship lately i just feel with my gut that alls not well an there may be someone else on the scene...ive started a new job..an our sex life has become non existant lately...an she always asks when im home ...ive noticed small little things which i wont go into that are beginning to add up ..just now im in work and on a quick break..im texting her..an i get this random text..calling?? I text back an say whats that mean..an she replies its a predictive text error...i hit random buttons as i put down the fone an the fone sent this to u! Now...i know its a small thing but...im thinkin thats meant for someone else an was sent to me instead. Just a lot of things really dont add up lately and im thinkin its time for a chat...about where we stand . Before i do..just need a bit of advice..am i being paranoid or does that sound like its a typical text error??
  19. In this journal I will write about my daily life and some general thoughts. I like to write down my thoughts so a journal on ENA would be the ideal place. I will keep practicing my English too. Funny how easy is to forget something if you don’t practice it . I got a good job as web developer the previous week .It’s my first serious job and it will affect my whole career as I am going to be in the IT field for the rest of my life. So, a new chapter is beginning. I haven’t been placed in a team yet but this will happen next week. Probably as a front end developer but it’s inevitable to work in the back end as well . The good thing about web development compared to other parts of the IT field is that you can create something alone from scratch and you can actually “see” what you develop . A guy at work told me about grails which is a really cool “tool” for web development because it’s very easy to connect the pages with the databases . But what we actually do at work is not web development. We just use a platform called ATG (created by Oracle) to make an online store (e-commerce) . Anyway enough with the these stuff . I got accepted for a MSc in Finance at Kent and Reading universities but I don’t think I will go now that I found this job as work experience is way more important than studies plus it’s 40k-50k pounds .Pretty hefty fiscal burden for my parents. It would have been a nice experience though… I have been told Kent is really beautiful . I would have taken some cool photos haha . Ok enough for today . I am tired …
  20. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  21. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  22. Let's take a look at the other side of "the affair", the circumstances that lead up to it and the affects on the one who cheated. After many years of marriage ups and downs my husband and I find ourselves focused more on friends, family, work rather than each other. We both faced some personal struggles (death of a sibling, job demotion, empty nesting). A job demotion affected his self confidence so he spends more and more time at work, 12-14 hour days, continues to develop bad eating habits and puts on weight. Overweight leads to heavy snoring. Night after night I find myself heading to the spare bedroom so I can sleep. He refuses to leave the bed... his snoring is my problem. He has no interest in working out with me and after eating a healthy dinner I prepared (around 9:00 pm) he eats snacks until bedtime. I focus more on my job, begin earning a lot more money which only seems to threaten him. I developed a friendship with a man I contracted with on some business dealings. This involved meetings, follow up phone calls, etc. Over a couple years we began sharing more about our personal lives. After 3 years on no sex with my husband (we both just stopped initiating it) I became physically involved with this other man. He too was married no intimacy with his wife, slept in separate beds, etc. After a year into the affair my husband received an anonymous letter. He did not tell me. Instead he placed a recording device in my car and hired a PI. I didn't know about the recording device but I immediately knew about the PI (who never was able to obtain proof). Tensions are building in the house so I confront my husband about the tracking device I found in my trunk. He told me about the letter... he was confused and devastated. I admitted to a relationship but I denied any physical involvement and agreed to seek counseling. We met with a counselor together the first time. We determined very quickly that I was still holding on to resentment for an affair that my husband had very early in the marriage but never admitted to it. There's actually a name for that ... Zegiarnik affect. Then we were asked to meet individually. I was still denying any physical involvement. My friend and I had already agreed to end the relationship. It's never quite the same in broad daylight. I certainly didn't want my family, friends, colleagues to learn about and had no intentions of ending my marriage. Prior to my individual meeting my husband had retrieved the recording devices from my car and heard enough conversation that confirmed there was indeed a physical relationship but also that it was over. He shared that with the therapist unbeknownst to me. I meet with the therapist and still denied the physical affair and then we met again as a couple. It wasn't until after my third visit with the therapist that I was informed that they both knew I was lying. So during this 3 weeks period, I'm some how expected to be all in in the bedroom after 3 years of no affection and that's going to fix it all. I learn my husband and therapist were fine with humiliating me. I'm forbiddened to ever speak or engage in any more business with my friend and to avoid all situations where our paths may cross. Which basically meant I was forced to isolate myself from pretty much everyone I associated with in my field. No group business luncheons, after hour socials, office events. I even passed on a mutual friend's engagement party to comply with my husbands needs to help us through this. My husband did make changes in his work/home life balance and took control over his health and our marriage has improved over the last year. So here's the other side... no one ever asked me how I was doing with the loss of a friend and lover. How I'm coping with the isolation which has turned into loneliness. Seems the one who cheats is expected to bear the hurt and guilt for all people involved. To simply flip a switch and "poof" all feelings for the other person evaporate into thin air.
  23. Hi all, Hope all is well. I need some direction as I keep going back and forth on my decision. To give you some background: I have been living in my current shared apartment for the last 4 years. The first three years were fine as all 3 of us moved in at the same time and had pretty compatible lifestyles. One of the tenants decided to move in December of last year and it has since been a bit of a mess. We had a first replacement who proved to be completely reckless (unpaid bills, alcohol abuse, guests over during lockdown for a nights of drinking & smoking etc..). This person moved out in June and we got a rent decrease which was quite generous. Another tenant moved in and I'm feeling uncomfortable around her and she also doesn't have any issues inviting her boyfriend over during lockdown. She's also a coworker, which is not to my liking (we found her through an ad). The other tenant who has been living there for 4 years as well spends his Friday nights and Saturday afternoons on the couch drinking copious amounts of alcohol and never ever pays bills on time. We were advised there would be a change in landlord as well which may have no implications, but we never know. This lifestyle doesn't suit my anymore. I'm 30 and studying on top of work. I don't want to have the stress of coming home and not knowing what's waiting for me there. Plus, people doing God knows what in the bedroom next door makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not in college anymore. Anyway. I found a nice one bedroom, brand new furniture, secure and very central for a decent price point. Along with the deposit and first month of rent, it will set me back by about 2.5k. I have about 6 months worth of rent aside. If I don't overspend, I hope to recuperate this amount. There is only 1 bill (electricity) which I know is generally quite cheap. My disposable income post-rent will still remain quite decent and I should be able to still same money. However, I'm scared of taking this risk of increasing my rent during a pandemic even though I know moving out will more than likely improve my mental health, job performance and overall well being. I'm really tired of seeing one person getting drunk on the couch and the other bringing her boyfriend over for the night. They kicked me out of the living room last week when I was having dinner. I've never seen this before. I've been living here 4 years an d contributed more than this new tenant, yet they had no shame in basically kicking me out to have some time (despite not giving a heads up about the guest). I don't have any family who can help me out in case something goes wrong, so I'm petrified of increasing my rent (about 50%), but again, this apartment's price point is reasonable in comparison to what I've seen around (city is quite expensive and there is a housing crisis). Plus, I can't live with roommates forever. What should I do?
  24. Hi, I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 20. Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 5 years. I have a good paying job and have completed a degree. I desire to get married soon and have a few children. But although my boyfriend has not completed any studies, he had a good paying job. He intended to propose before the end of this year and already saved the day to get married next year. However, after he lost his job a few months ago. He suddenly blamed me for all my suggestions and encouragements to move towards committment. He is now indicating that he's not ready to get married and have children and wanted to just forget about all our plans until he is established. I understand his desire to be established first, but he wants us to move in together and leave all these important events behind. I love him, but he seemed very strong to his perspective that he establishes his life first before marriage. I don't know if it's worth continuing my relationship with him. Any advice would be appreciated
  25. I (24F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for three years and I absolutely love him to bits. We met whilst I was at university working in retail. I have now moved onto train to become an accountant whilst he still works there. When the first lockdown was imposed in March he was placed on furlough whilst I had to Work from Home. I noticed at the time that his mental health worsened and he seemed down but I put this down to the lockdown and the associated boredom and cabin fever as we only live in a one bed flat. However when it was lifted and he was taken off furlough but his mood didn't really improve very much. We're now in the middle of the second lockdown here in the UK and he is really low again. Also he took on most of the domestic duties whilst I worked in the first lockdown but in the second he insists that he does everything around the house (he's basically acting like he's my domestic servant and won't let me do anything). I decided to broach the subject with him over this weekend . He told me that it's clear seeing me do my job during the lockdowns that he's not good enough for me and that he doesn't know why I don't leave him. He is really down about his job and says that it's clear I'm going to have a career whilst he works in a shop bringing in very little money. He says that I get to speak to people who are a lot more interesting than him and that I will eventually kick him out for someone better. This is not true whatsoever I love him with all my heart and would die for him. He said that he is trying to prove himself useful to try and prolong the time we spend together before I dump him. When the lockdown ends I'm going to take him to the GP to see if there is anything they can do to help him. However clear that he needs a boost in self-worth as he has convinced himself that he is worthless which is the exact opposite and I know that I need to step up to the plate and help him achieve this.
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