BeStrongBeHappy

it sounds to me like you want to have children, but are now looking for reasons NOT to have them because you don't want to give up someone who is adamant about not having them... 35 is not too old to have a couple children, and you sound like you make enough money to pay for childcare when you travel, LOTS of women do, and many highly paid professional women have multiple children. there is also never a convenient time to get pregnant. if your life is full and you have other goals, you just need to figure out ways to manage getting all of your needs filled, including pregnancy. you just haven't hit the middle aged work blahs yet, where you realize that your job is not your be all and end all, or worth sacrificing your personal life for... that is the age when most women really start to appreciate family, and realize that the great career you envisioned didn't pan out, or is getting repetitive and boring, or is no longer fulfilling emotionally (which happens to men too...) and it is true that yes you can adopt, but i think the issue is this man does not want the lifestyle of having a child. maybe he doesn't want the expense, or the obligation, or being tied to a homelife, or the lifestyle of raising babies and young children, etc. Those are his personal choices, but it seems like you are rationalizing backwards into talking yourself out of a child because HE doesn't want one. so i would suggest you are doing the right thing, going forward making a decision about whether you really want children, and the loss you will feel if you don't have them. why don't you go spend a little time volunteering somewhere with children, or spending time with people and their children, to see whether that tugs at your heart and makes you want one, or whether you are relieved when you get to go back to work and leave them behind. it is not an easy decision, but a huge one when it comes to planning your life. also imagine how you would feel if your boyfriend left you when you were 40 or 45 or 50, or he died early, and you were again alone and childless? if you have a true, genuine, undying love for him that would not be bitter if you never had kids or were alone from whenever til death without him or children in your life, then you might make the choice for him. but if you feel you will resent it, or be devastated at the thought of being alone with no offspring/family/man should he leave or die, then probably not a good choice to go with him...

here is your problem, you say: 'I'm heartbroken about this. I know he doesn't love her, he just can't be alone.' you say you are 'friends', and if you are just friends, why are you heartbroken and seeing this woman as competition or feeling the need to say he doesn't love her? i think deep down you still want to retain a romantic connection with him, and it seems that all he wants to maintain a friendship with his ex to keep his life easier for himself, and somewhere to hang out and piss his fiance off about whenever he has a fight with her... but the reality is that he always goes back to her, and is now engaged to her, and will soon be married to her. but you do seem to want more from this friendship and are more invested in it than he is. he wrote a self pitying and blaming response to your email, but made it very clear that he is moving on in terms of his life, and thinks that you are not trying to move on yourself and need to chill out where he is concerned.. (are you dating, have you dated, and how much time do you spend thinking about him? these are all clues that you are not really trying to move on and get your own life away from him). so i think what you really need to do is to accept that the marriage is over, and you have your own life to live now, without him in it other than as your daughter's father. you need to expand your circle outside of him and his family, and be civil and continue on the path you started, which is to NOT associate with him other than for issues related to your child (exchanging for visitation, etc.). you don't need to be rude or tense with him, but you do need to really move on, and not get into emotional discussions or anything else with him. he has been gone a long time, is marrying someone else, and it is time for you to move on and get yourself a full and happy life that doesn't include him in it in a big way. this sounds harsh, but really, you are trying to hang onto something that is long gone emotionally, and not just for the sake of being friends, or it wouldn't upset you so much at this point. you have to put that marriage to rest and not use your connection to him via your daughter as an excuse to keep waiting or hoping or hanging onto him. just spend time now building your own life, without him at the center of it.

This says it all: 'He is very smooth and manipulative.' So you start to finally pull away and tell him so, and NOW he wants to come back?? I don't think so... or he may be back just long enough to wreck your credibility with all your own friends. you are saying he is terrible and lying and manipulating and then YOU take him back? they will just say to themselves, get outta here, that is one nutty relationship and we don't want a part of it... really, continue with your counselor to try to figure out why you would even consider this with him... on the one hand you are pointing out how horrible he is, but you want horrible back again? you deserve better than horrible, and if you are unrealistic enough about him to have fantasies he will change or your life will be better, then you need to be in therapy about adjusting your own fantasies to be closer to reality... will just have a lifetime of hurt if you don't start genuinely choosing people who are good for you... besides, why do you care what everybody you've ever met thinks of you... friendship is not a competition, between you and your ex... good friends will stick by you and blow his lies etc. off, bad friends who side with him are better off gone.

After 7 months? he is definitely entering stalker territory, in which case you should NOT be flattered but rather annoyed and possibly scared. what if he finds you communicating with a new guy via email and goes berserk? or starts using it to follow you in person (i.e., knows where you will be and when from an email). there is also a chance that someone else besides him is the cause... some virus SW download onto your PC that someone in a phishing scam waiting for some financial information to show up in your email so they can steal your identity or money. or else a spammer who has hijacked your email account, and is using it to send out junk email, or even threats to another person. do you want to have the police at your door becuase email is coming out of your account that is trying to phish other people to steal money from them or harass them? so this is not a little game your ex is playing with you, it could have some very serious consequences if you leave the access open. Change your password NOW to something that is a random sequence of characters that no one can guess. and also buy some spyware detecting software that you can run on the PC to check and remove any spyware he has put onto your PC during your romance, or that might have been downloaded in a virus from an anonymous other source... there could be stuff on there that gathers info and sends it to him, or allows him to log onto your PC anytime and get your new passwords. so your boyfriend could be doing this, or any number of hackers and criminals who use viruses to get into people's accounts. treat it seriously, clean up your PC, and change all your passwords on all accounts you have (shopping accounts? ebay? amazon?). this could cost you seriously financially and legally if you let it go on. lots of sites have disclaimers for your being responsible for your own password, and if someone else gets it and uses it, that causes your or other people financial harm, your problem, not theirs.

it is always very hard when you first break up with a person, regardless of the reason. there usually plenty of self doubts, wondering, loneliess, and unfamiliar territory that wants to make us run back into the safety and familiarity of the relationship. we also tend to rewrite history in our own heads in a frantic attempt to find some reason that will allow us to return to the familiarity and comfort of the relationship, even if the relationship was not meeting needs or right at all. but the emotional chaos right after a breakup doesn't change fundamental realities. he gave you a VERY clear statement that he didn't want any more children, to the point of basically saying he'll give you the heave ho for even considering having children. so if the issue is you didn't tell him the reason for the breakup, then by all means, call him up and give him and yourself closure by saying that you really want kids and he really doesn't. if you doubt whether you really want kids, then in your own head, try out the idea that you will never have them, ever, and will life with him and no children in it be satisfying for you? if not, then you are just postpoing the inevitable, and reducing your chances of ever being a mother, but continuing on with someone who expressly states he does NOT want you to be a mother, nor him a father ever again. the thing is he can change his mind up until he dies and reverse that vasectomy to have a child, but it sounds like he won't, and definitely won't anytime soon. and fertility for women drops off sharply after age 35, and requires all kinds of chemical and surgical help after 40, if it succeeds at all. so if being a mother is a huge priority for you, don't talk yourself back into this relationship again unless you are willing to accept you will not have children, and not resent him because you didn't.

i guess this falls under the category of 'no good deed goes unpunished....' this is especially hard because he is a relative, but you need to confront this head on... obviously he told people these lies who told you, so you need to go back to him first and say, you asked me to help you, i helped you, and if you had a problem with the results, you should have come back to me rather than telling these lies to other people. if you are angry or upset, talk to me about it, don't drag in the whole world with exaggerated stories to make you feel better. then go to each of the people you know he talked to and tell them exactly what you did and why, that he asked you to help him configure his phone, you did, you warned him, AND he never came back to you wth the problem. don't get into a lot of the 'what an awful liar he is' type conversations, becuase it becomes your word against his and can become quite bitter. just speak your peace, then be done with it. and he needs to take the phone to wherever he bought it and have them look at it... the fix could be as simple as downloading the original configuration back into the phone, which those stores will often do for free or a small charge. they want you charging minutes, and if the phone doesn't work, then they can't charge him, so usually happy to fix the phone again as long as it is not new expensive hardware he needs.

you have been together a long time, but over years when people change a lot. if he is getting aggravated all the time and not really giving you any reasons for it, it may be reflecting a deeper discomfort on his part. do you think there is a chance he is thinking about breaking up, but has not done it yet becuase he is either not sure, or doesn't want the upheaval or scene that would bring? if someone has made the decision to leave or is comparing you to someone else in his mind, then EVERYTHING you do might annoy him because he doesn't really want to be there, but is too cowardly to discuss this with you, or just not ready for whatever reason to break up yet... but that is TOTALLY unfair to you, to start nitpicking you about every little thing when you are just being yourself. the other problem could be stress in his own life... is he tired when you see him, or sick, or overworked? anyway, you need to sit him down when he is NOT aggravated and have a very direct talk about the changes in dynamics in your relationship. ask him directly, are you having doubts about being together? is there some stress in your life that is making you impatient all the time, or is it something i am doing. if he is already acting aggravated, that is not the time to discuss it because he will just be huffy. so try to address the underlying problem of how every time you are together now turns sour with him getting irritated, and try to uncover why that may be...

you have to focus on a deeper problem, how does one get a 'better' job with no training or experience in the field you are looking in? First you have to be qualified for that job. You could spend the next 20 years looking and never get a good job if you don't have the education, experience, or credentials for it. And the longer your period of unemployment, the less likely people will be willing to consider you for any job, wondering why you can't get or hold a job... they will have the same hard questions that people on this board have (e.g., why has this guy gone so long without working, is he too lazy to work? why is he unrealistic in his expectations for what type of job he is really qualified for, and applying for a job that is way over his qualifications and experience? why has he done nothing for so long without getting training or doing anything to qualify for a job?) So employers will look at you with the same type of critical eye, in fact a MORE critical eye than anyone else because they want a good, realistic, hard worker and are only willing to pay people who have the background they need to perform the job being applied for. the world is full of people who think they deserve a better job, but those that get those jobs do what it takes to get them... get an education, start with lower level grunt job and work their way up. so your wife may have a very valid fear that you will just keep endlessly applying for jobs that you are not qualified for and will never get hired for. please talk to her about this. maybe she is really afraid you are being so unrealistic in your expectations, that there is no point waiting of waiting for you to get a 'good' job, becuase you are not qualified and will never get hired for the ones you are applying for. so it is not just about getting a job, it is about being realistic enough to understand that applying for jobs where you are not qualified is non-productive and a waste of time, and that you as an adult should realize you can't just leapfrog over all the lower level jobs that EVERYONE takes to get started in their careers. Most people who want better jobs start out with part time work and full time school, or full time school and part time work. then they take a lower level job in their new field when they finish their school. then they promoted to better jobs if they work and get the experience to get them into those better positions. so my suggestion is that you sit down with your wife and work out a realistic plan for how to get the job you ultimately want. that at a minimum will involve some kind of lower level job right now AND enrollment in some kind of job training program, either high education degree or certification that qualifies you for the particular job you are interested in, or a step on the ladder on the way to that better job. there are financial aid programs that will pay the tuition for these programs until you can work full time to pay the loan off. I think your wife will calm down and be fine if she sees you are *realistically* working towards getting the training you need to get the job you want, and are willing to work another lower level job that helps support you while you are training for the better job. Right now all she sees is a guy sitting at home telling her he is too good for the jobs he is qualified for, and endlessly applying for jobs he will never get. There is tons of online training now that can be had in 4-6 months, and entire college degrees can be taken online. lots of companies are very supportive of people in school, in fact have some tuition assistance programs to help their employees better themselves in school parttime. so you could work parttime at a grunt job until you get your certificate in something that will make you readily employable, then when you have a full time job, continue your schooling part time online.

i think the difficult part is that he is in the position of having to either trust his experience with you and your prior actions vs. your words in the form of a promise he is not sure you will keep. Plenty of times, people will promise anything to get someone back, and as soon as things are back to 'normal', then they go back to the way it was before and that those changes were just an attempt to manipulate the other person into coming back again. So a whole lot of rebuilding of trust is required here, and it sounds like he doesn't trust you based on how you behaved. The first thing you have to do is to ask yourself if you are making these changes in your life because you personally think you need to make changes in your life, or because they are the vehicle to try to get him back. For you to permanently change, it has to be in your heart to do those changes for YOURSELF because you recognize that your life was going in ways it shouldn't (too much drink, fighting, jealousy, etc.) and it was negatively affecting you and others in your life. A bonus *might* be if you got him back, if and when he felt the change was sufficient and permanent that he trusted it was real, but that cannot be your primary motivation, or he has good reason not to trust your promises (i.e., you do it to get him back, when he is back, you no longer need to do it anymore and sink back to where you were before.) So lasting changes don't happen overnight, nor quickly, and they don't always stick, so he is being very cautious and wary right now, becuase he probably knows and feels this. so the focus has to totally come off trying to get him back, and onto making changes in yourself that you need to be healthy, and sticking to those changes. you might ask him as a friend to participate in a few counseling sessions with you to help you, him, and the counselor understand the negative dynamics between you two, and what behavior you were engaging in as a couple that might have been contributing to your problems (or to gain the recognition that although you want him back fiercely, that may not be possible or desirable). at a minimum, you must respect his wishes now, and recognize that trust is not immediately guaranteed just by someone making a few promises which can easily be broken, which is where he is right now. you need to go off and work on you, and recognize that your first priority needs to be getting better, not getting him back. if you do serious damage to a relationship, it rarely goes back to the way it was before (you can't undo the past, and every experience together influences the relationship and feeling between you). one has to spend time healing, and changing (genuine change) and maybe the relationship can be rebuilt, or maybe not, becuase it takes two to decide to try and put the work into it, and he may or may not feel it is worth it. at this point he doesn't, and you can't guarantee how he will behave in the future, regardless of your promises to change. so it is really great that you are taking responsbility for your behavior, and as a friend you need to show him how responsible you are being, and keep that up until it is a permanent change, in fact, keep it up forever... but he may or may not be available for a relationship with you in the future becuase his feelings are his own, and if he feels too deeply betrayed by you, he might not be willing to risk it again. so please work on yourself and try to take the focus off him for a while and put it onto healing yourself. it is always possible he might recognize when there is a true change and want to get closer to you, but that is not guaranteed, and should not be your goal because you might break your heart and disrupt your own healing if he doesn't behave the way you'd like him to and take you back.

newborns are used to a pretty snug fit in the womb, and then they're out in the big wide world which is cold and a totally different thing than what they are used to... so when he is wrapped in your arms and hears you heartbeat, it is comforting for him and more 'normal' after his 9 months in your womb. But there are ways to help him acclimate to being out in the world... Did they teach you how to swaddle your baby at the hospital? it is a technique to wrap them in a blanket that makes them feel that snug as a bug in a rug feeling they had in the womb, and often helps them calm and sleep. you usually see babies wrapped up this way in their incubators at hospitals because it soothes them. here's one website, but you can search this on the web and find more info on how to swaddle if you'd like: link removed you can also buy sound devices that mimic the whooshing sounds of the mother's heartbeat that you can put near the baby to help him sleep when out of your arms. you just have to try to recreate that wombish environment for him until he learns how to sleep outside the womb. he could also have a little colic such that when you lay him down he feels that more. there is medication for that if you suspect his is not digesting his milk properly. some babies digestive systems just aren't quite ready yet. most new mothers worry about SIDS but it isn't that common... it is actually much more dangerous to fall asleep with the baby on your own bed because you can roll on the baby while asleep yourself, or the baby can get tangled up in your own bed covers. so better to swaddle the baby in his own crib on his back. sometimes babies just do cry, and new mothers need to learn to sleep when he sleeps (i know, that's never enough)... and if you pick him up whenever he cries, he will learn to cry more to get picked up! it doesn't mean you should let him cry forever unattended, but to just soothe him with your voice and touch while he is in the crib, rather than in your arms, so he learns to associate the crib with nice things (and sleep)... so pull up a chair, and soothe and massage him, but try not to pick him up every time, or he will learn to cry more to get picked up. try comforting him and rubbing his head gently all over his scalp under your open palm (no real pressure, just a featherlight caress with no finger pressure) while he is crying and in the crib (but don't pick him up), and if he starts to wake up and fuss, just rub his head some more... a technique i learned from a Swedish roommate, where a little gentle head rubbing makes them very sleepy and happy (works on grown people too)... i didn't believe her until she showed me, but i have seen it work on lots of babies! any way, best of luck, enjoy your baby, but you will enjoy him much more when you get a little sleep!

Don't be done with guys, just be done with THIS guy.... he sounds very selfish and totally unreliable. The trick is to cut your losses when you discover someone doesn't treat you well or lies or is unreliable etc. Don't continue to get more involved with someone who is not trustworthy, but don't blame all guys because some of them are jerks... So just write this guy off and spend your time and efforts enjoying friends until you find someone much nicer and more considerate than this guy, who will treat you with more respect.

i think it is normal for everyone to have sexual urges, and they can easily take over when you are in situations where you are being physically close or making out and it is very hard to stop... i think sometimes people also look at things very black and white, i.e., someone is either 'skanky and cheap and dirty' from any kind of sexual contact or pure. is your problem that you wanted the contact but felt guilty about it because you want to have no sexual contact before marriage, or just that you didn't like it and think sex in general is skanky? if it is a morals issue, then your head and your hormones are at war, and you need to stay out of situations where such contact can occur, and immediately stop the contact and walk away if it looks things are headed that way. but if you feel sex in general is skanky, then i would suggest some counseling. i think if you are really committed to staying a virgin, then you would only feel much worse if you went farther, and guilty later. i would try to figure out what you really want, and NOT make that decision when you two are in the middle of making out, because reason usually loses out when sexual urges take hold. it's a big decision, so make it when your head is clear, becuase your head will take over again once you are out of the situation, as you have already discovered.

I'm sorry, that is soooo hard when you have to see the person all the time... ...in cases where someone breaks up with you and doesn't give you a reason, especially in a situation like this where he knows that he will have to see you afterwards, there usually is a *hidden* reason for the breakup, usually another woman, or a desire to date other women. he probably knows full well that if he told you he was dating someone else (maybe someone else you both know at work?), that you might be very angry or upset and behave badly and confront him or the new girl he is dating etc. this is not to say that this is what happened, but i think the safest thing for you to assume is that he IS dating someone else, and it really doesn't matter whom becuase he is no longer dating you. that way you can really start your healing, and get on with your life. If you just assume he has someone else, then you can quit waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only other thing to do is to try to ask him one last time to give yourself closure and explain the reasons for the breakup. He might tell you, but he might not, especially if he is doing something like dating someone else at work, because he doesn't want any scenes between you and him or you and her... so you need to really dial back the friendship to the point where there is no contact other than the minimal essential to do your job. no socializing, no 'how are you doing', no trying to find out information about him from other people you work with. you have to treat him like he was married or otherwise totally unavailable to you, because essentially he is, especially if he is being close mouthed about his activities. and if you are hearing he is going awy or has plans on the weekend, and he doesn't tell you about it, i would really assume that he has someone else already, or at a minimum is dating other people. it is really hard get over a breakup when your ex is in your face all the time, but if he won't give you closure by telling you honestly his reasons for leaving, then you just have to assume that there is most likely a reason he *won't* tell you because it won't go over well and he is afraid of the consequences of telling you the truth. and wouldn't a nice person, and a real friend, at least tell you the reason for the breakup and give you that closure? he's not that great a friend, if he was willing to leave you, and leave you hanging.

it sounds like you are trying to distinguish between an hookup and an affair becuase somehow an affair seems less sleazy or more noble in your own head than just having sex for a hookup with another married man. But really, if you take marriage out of the equation here (i.e., what if neither of you were married), then it really still looks like this man has never been interested in dating you, but he is willing to pick up some free sex from you if you give it to him with no strings attached... that's what they call a hookup, or a booty call if he is so uninterested in you that he calls late and only when there is time for sex and not much more. so even if you were single, this man would not be appropriate, and would most likely not be dating you, but willing to take a booty call if you offered it to him and agreed to it.... he knows you have it bad for him, in fact a big schoolgirl type crush on him (regardless of your/his ages), and he made a run at getting some free meaningless sex for himself, at your expense, and when you didn't go for it, he balked and went elsewhere. so you have been focusing on the rightness/wrongess of it, or the depth/shallowness of it, but the reality is that this guy was never really interested in an emotional relationship or any relationship beyond some quick free sex. don't be distracted by anything else, because those just prevent you from really looking at his behavior, and seeing that he is just not particularly interested, but enough of a user to try for some quick no string sex if you'd take it. there are lots of people like that out there, who if someone throws themselves at them, will take the free sex, but wander off if you ask for anything more from them because they are not really interested, or are just cads who will use anyone they think they can to get some free sex... so count yourself VERY lucky that you didn't get involved with him, or end your marriage for him, because regardless of your feelings for him, he was willing to use you as long as it didn't really cost him anything, any time, any money, any heart, etc. please continue your own counseling to discover why you would be so willing to throw your married life of 17 years away on a man who obviously was not particularly interested... you deserve better than that for yourself, and to not make yourself so vulnerable again for the sake of a fantasy.

It takes two people to try, and if she is totally rejecting you, refusing to see you, involved with someone else (are you sure her roommate is just a 'friend), then it maybe be an uphill battle for you. Sometimes hearing someone doesn't 'like' you anymore is worse than someone doesn't love you anymore, because like usually comes before love. so you've got to get her to like you again, get her to respect you again, then get her to love you again... that's a large hurdle. having said that, if she will see you, you might want to ask her specific instances of things that have led her to this place, and see whether what she is saying is reasonable or not, and talk to her about negotiating a way to be back together, including marraige counseling. but if she won't have anything to do with you other than things that are related to ending the divorce, and once that is over will be gone, then you might better try to heal yourself and get on with your life. you deserve someone who loves and respects you and wants to be with you, rather than endless bickering and put downs. she may just have decided she doesn't want the commitment of marriage in general, in which case you can't make her want that, so best to heal yourself and find someone who does.

since you have 5 children and a newborn, i would suggest that you go into marriage counseling with him as soon as possible. it seems that you have known about this for a while (through 5 children), so it is something that hasn't gone away on its own, so you probably need to get professional help through counseling.

Words are just words... maybe he had a temporary guilty moment so sent you some words, but then got distracted and is off being selfish again and not making real plans to pay you back. it would be very easy to say he is going to pay you $X per week, or on a certain day etc. I had an X who owed me a lot of money too, and maintained continual and perpetual amnesia about that. found out later he had a habit of 'borrowing' money from people he was in relationships with, but never paying them back... after that experience, i never lend money unless i can permanently live without it... but it does tell you a lot about him, that he is so willing to use someone else, and not be honorable about his debts...

i think that whenever a longtime spouse's behavior changes a lot, and it revolves around a particular person or situation, it is a sign that something is very wrong. she may have cheated, or he may be flattering her and trying to lure her into cheating, but either way, it is something that a married woman should NOT be doing. and why are YOU not invited over to this person's house, especially if she is intending on taking your DAUGHTER with her. that makes no sense at all... that can just be a set up for future rendezvous, i.e., she takes her daughter with her and goes to see him, and if your daughter mentions him, she can always say it was because your daughter met him on such and such day she told you about before... LOTS of cheaters take their children along, especially if the children are young, because it is hard to get away on their own... and if she is already in a serious affair with him, this may be the 'introduce the new guy to her kid' day, for them to see how they get along, and if it is well, then she could be leaving you and taking your daughter to be with him permanently... at this point though, don't keep talking to her about your suspicions, because if she IS having an affair or considering one, she will just listen to what you say and become better at hiding it. i.e., you complain about the texts, so she turns off her phone and starts deleting them. i first think you should tell her you want to come with her to see the guy on Sunday, but wait until the last minute, and as she is preparing to leave the house, just tell her you intend to come meet her new friend too since she likes him so much, you could probably be friends! see how she behaves then... if she balks or acts upset in any way at all, then i think you have serious reason to believe it is an affair, or an affair in the making... the best thing then you can do is just quietly observe what she is doing, and when she relaxes again and thinks you are no longer watching her, she will probably start leaving on unexplained absenses, and you should follow her then, have one of your friends follow her, or pay someone to do it. i think you have to balance your desire to trust her with the reality of her behavior. there are enough signs here to warrant the suspicion that she is cheating or seriously thinking about it, and it is better for you to know than to be surprized some time down the road when she announces she is leaving you for someone else. better to nip it in the bud and see if she wants to work on the marriage, before she is really entrenched in a new relationship with someone else.

when one wants to get back with someone, they usually overlook HUGE faults and problems and try to worry about how every little thing they do will prevent the other person from coming back when (a) the other person has moved on to someone else and (b) they shouldn't want that person back because they are a user and a cheater. so you are worried about being a 'nice guy' and not cutting off the phone, while she is running around cheating with another guy AND using your phone to do it... if she were a decent person, she would have already told you to cancel the phone, or done it herself and split the cancellation charge with you. but she's obviously NOT a nice person. she is not the person she used to be when you started, she is also the person she is now, and is showing you everything she is capable of, cheating and spending your money on someone else... so really, please just cancel the phone and move on becuase she is not going magically turn back into who you THOUGHT she was... this is who she is, and she is not worth having...

i would agree with that... she seems to be keeping you 'on tap' for whenever she needs a warm fuzzy or contact or whatever, but if she is busy or not in the mood (or with her boyfriend(s)), then you don't hear from her. if you think she's really trying to reconcile, then talk to her, face to face, abou that. but if she waffles and just continues this spotty contact, then i'd assume she is just using you for warm fuzzies or keeping in touch in case her current boyfriend doesn't work out.

How long has it been since your breakup? People who did not have acrimonious breakups can sometimes scale it back to being just friends, but it usually takes some time right after the breakup to heal your emotions and feelings. The key though is to keep doing a reality check on your own emotions and expectations to keep them in alignment with what is really going on between you two. Lots of time, one person thinks they are working towards getting back together, while the other person is just thinking friends, or a familiar friends with benefits situation until they find someone else. so you need to be very open with yourself and her as to what your own thoughts and expectations are, or you could find yourself spending your time yearning to reunite with her when there is no real chance of that. but if you are feeling fine, and staying open and honest with each other as to your status with each other, then maybe it can work. but if you find yourself putting off dating other people or hoping for things that aren't happening, then that is when scaling back the contact with her is warranted.

ummm, yeah, golddigger alert! also, a bit of an emotional blackmailer too, trying to make you feel guilty about the ring and refusing to wear it until you get her what she wants... having said that, it is common for guys to buy a ring, but also common for couples to choose a ring together, or take back the original ring and swap it for something else if the woman had something else in mind... BUT, that doesn't mean she should expect you to buy her something more expensive if you can't afford it... if she had a problem with the STYLE and wanted to swap it straight accross for something else, that would be fine, but to demand something more expensive is tacky. i've even known some women who go with their fiance to swap for another ring, and they end up with something LESS expensive, but to their own taste. so if she is hooked on you forking over cash to give her the status she desires with other people, then you will be repeating this year after year after year if you marry her, fighting over the cars you buy, the house, the furniture etc. etc. so i say make one last offer to let her go swap that ring for something comparable, but WITHOUT you paying more because you can't afford it, and see if she is willing to do that. but if she is demanding something more expensive and blackmailing you over it, just tell her to keep the ring and trade it in on something she likes whenever she feels like it, but you are trading HER in for someone who loves you, not a golddigger. then run, don't look back...

i would hope that people who date ARE good friends, so really you just got a leg up on that (no pun intended)... but just because you were friends for 3 months doesn't mean you can now jump right into expectations of being together every minute etc. you should just date her like anybody else... ask her on a date at a time that is good for both of you... but don't expect to immediately be her 'boyfriend' which is jumping the gun on any relationship. just have fun dating her for a while, and if she is interested, she will keep accepting dates, or offer alternative dates/plans if she is busy with work. it is actually probably best to NO be 'all consuming' when you first start dating, because that means you don't have a balanced life, and your relationships could be more about need than anything else, and better NOT to rush into anything with anyone because of that.

Either she is a very shallow person caring more about what other people think than what her true love (you) thinks, or else Dako is right, it is just an excuse she is giving you. You say she is a big flirt... could she be just stringing you along because she is enjoying the attention? i don't mean to be cruel with that, but really, neither you nor she is married to the other person, or even engaged, so why not get back together if you mean as much to her as she is claiming you do? you could spend a lot of time convincing her not to worry what other people think, then she might just have some other excuse, then take up with someone else altogether. So i think you should sit her down and have a serious talk with her and tell her that if she really DOES love you that much, then you should be together, not matter what. if she still won't do it, then i think she is just keeping you on a string while she toys with you and other men...

there are many people out there who see other people only thru the eyes of 'how useful is that person to me', and if you stop giving them what they want (or need anything back from them yourself), then they just drop you and go looking for someone who will give them exactly what they want.... but that is not a real relationship, that is like a toddler who just moves from toy to toy and drops whichever one he's not interested in at the moment... so if he did just 'drop' you without any thought, it is a reflection of how immature and shallow he is, NOT about who you are or what you have to offer or had invested in the relationship. i dated a guy once who told me that he knew he 'didn't love anybody the way he should...' at first i wrote this off to modesty or lack of self esteem, but i learned the hard way that it was really true... his life was a revolving door of women, and what he really wanted was A woman, not any particular woman, so if he didn't get immediate gratification for what he wanted, he just wandered off looking for the next one who would. your ex drifted out of his last relationship and left his pregnant girlfriend, then drifted into your life, then kind of floated in and out of everybody's life based on his particular mood or need. that is just a self centered person who doesn't seem to recognize that he really needs to commit himself to those he gets involved with. he took up with you really easily when he left his ex, and now he will most likely do it again when he finds someone who will have him... so it is painful to you now, but you should feel very good that you are a person who cares and makes a commitment and tries, but this is a case of the old expression that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. he doesn't seem to really WANT to be obligated (or more importantly really be connected) to his partners, so you are better off learning that now and recognizing that this guy is definitely NOT long term partner material. so once you get over the intense grieving period (which everyone must do, and you will), then you will see him with a little more perspective and not be so devastated. you are a loving and caring person who deserves someone who is the same, and he seems kinds of shallow and wishy-washy, just wandering about without respect to how much pain he is causing other people. you just don't need these endless wandering in and out cycles he does. you feel bad now, but think how bad you would feel you had a child with him and he wandered out then, instead of now, when at least you are able to get him entirely out of your life and not be reminded of him endlessly.