jco

Interesting development: We talked on the phone this morning, making arrangements to exchange "stuff" and house keys. He said he wished he'd offered to have his vasectomy reversed. I thought it was interesting that he didn't say he'd have it reversed if I'd take him back. He put it out there as a regret, not as a "deal" to get me back. I'm a little hesitant to entertain this too much right now, but we are going to talk later today. I know it comes from lots of pain and desperation, so when we talk, I'm going to ask him some questions about where this came from. If I'm somewhat satisfied that it's sincere (and that it won't be a source of regret for him someday), I'm going to ask him to give it a week or two with us apart for both of us to process this. If we do decide that we should proceed with a relationship, I think we seriously need to address communication issues as well, as obviously this whole situation should have been handled differently. I'm feeling remarkably detached from the situation. It's weird--almost like it's happening to someone else in a way and I'm the one giving advice. That's probably a good thing....guess the emotions need to be downplayed at this point anyway. Thoughts on this new development from anyone?

Thanks to both of you for your replies. You are giving me fresh insight into myself and my situation, even though some of it is a little tough to hear. I think I will fight my desire to reconcile with him, and take a long, hard look at myself and what I want out of life. It's important that I take this time for myself and try not to worry about whether or not he'll be there if I want him to be when I'm done. I'm such an over-analyzer. I'm picturing one of two things right now: 1. 5 years down the road, a couple snotty-nosed kids, a husband (who I can't even imagine right now), and overwhelmed by the dual pressures of being a financial provider and a mother. 2. 5 years down the road, now married to my recent ex, resenting it being just him, me, and his son. I know both of those scenarios are so dark due to my current state of mind. Normally, I'm much more optimistic. There are other scenarios that are much more pleasant. Maybe rather than a pros and cons list, I need to write down as many possible scenarios I can come up with and see how I feel about them.

I think I was pretty effective getting the point accross to him that he's the one who initially caused the communication breakdown on this issue. I think he's just beginning to realize that the children issue is one that is not resolved in my own mind. I don't think he even understands how that's possible. Considering that he thought that me bringing it up meant that I definitely wanted to have kids, he, in a way, was right in reacting the way he did. I mean, it's pretty clear that our relationship would be over if I was sure I wanted to have kids and he was sure he didn't, right? I think a lightbulb went off for him when I pointed out to him that a doubt about the issue is not the same thing as a decision about the issue. I know from something he said to one of our mutual friends a couple days ago that he understands that he handled it badly back when I first brought it up.

We talked on the phone the night after our breakup, and I asked him why he'd had the vasectomy. He said he had his son, and just didn't think he wanted any more children. Then I asked him if, at the time he had the vasectomy, he thought he'd ever re-marry. He said yes. So I asked him if he just thought whoever he married would either already have children of her own or would be okay with not having children. He said yes to this as well. I still kind of feel like I don't know why he doesn't want children. I haven't brought up any other means of having children (i.e. adoption, donor sperm, vasectomy reversal, etc). At this point, since we didn't communicate about this while we were together, I don't feel like it's fair to pose those issues to him now when I was the one who did the breaking up. Especially now, with things so fresh and raw. I love him with all my heart, and I know he feels the same about me. We're very different, yet similar on most of the important things. We had so much fun together. We rarely fought, and when we did, it usually wasn't about silly little stupid things. We had a pretty good history of solving most issues and moving on. I feel like we had a pretty good balance of spending time together verses having our own interests. I'm so afraid I'll never find all this with someone else.

savoie, I don't know! I tried making a "pros and cons" list last night, but I don't think it really helped. I didn't get any new insight. How did you weigh your past decisions? I know that having children is a huge sacrifice with huge rewards. I don't know if I think I want children because it's what's expected by society, or if it's because I just always thought I'd be a mom, or what. Wish I could figure it out.

annie24, I would definitely keep the child, but that has more to do with my personal values than it does with the decision to have children. You may be right though...if I'm still unsure, I've probably done the right thing. I just don't want to find myself saying "what if" either way (child, no child, with him, without him) someday. I don't want any regrets, but probably more importanly, don't want to be in a relationship where I'm resentful. I just hate feeling so miserable...

Zaphod, I've thought about that (adoption). If the lines of communication had been open regarding this issue before the breakup, I would have posed the question. Now that we're broken up and he desperately wants me back, I'm afraid to bring up that option. If he were to bring it up himself, I'd be open to discussing it, but otherwise I'd be worried about his sincerity.

Thanks for your replies and sorry for the confusion. He does know that the reason for the break up was about having children. The reason I bring up a communication issue is that I've spent the past 8-9 months feeling very closed off from him regarding this issue. Now that we've had some very clear and frank communication on this issue (the day after the break up), I realize how big the barriers were that I built between us regarding this. I think any time there are barriers in a relationship, there is going to be some natural distance and at least some loss of intimacy. The thing is, I've gone back and forth on the children issue myself. I'm not sure what I want. There are lots of reasons to not have a child: 1. I'm an up-and-coming professional in a field where having a child, materity leave, having to leave the office on time to pick up a child from daycare, etc. can impact your career path. (Of course, this is illegal and unspoken, but true nonetheless.) 2. My field is often demanding as well. Sometimes, I have normal 8 to 5 hours, and sometimes I have to work long days, evenings and weekends, for months on end to bring a project in on time. 3. I've just been elected President of a professional association in my state which will require a good deal of travel and time commitment over the next three years. I'll be 38 years old by the time this commitment comes to an end. 4. I do enjoy the freedom not having a child affords me. I still play amatuer sports, like to go and do things, like to travel, etc and having a child would change my life dramatically. I know that if I have a child, I definitely don't want one child. I'm 1 of 4 children myself and can't imagine life for someone without siblings (or at least a sibling). I don't like the idea of parents focussing all their energy and expectations on one child....it just doesn't seem fair to me. So, I'm almost 35, single, healing from a broken relationship, and have significant professional responsibilities coming up in the next 3 years. What are the odds that I'm going to have at least two children? Probably not good. The reason I broke it off was because, at the time, I was thinking more about the reasons to have children (personal fulfillment, pride, the joy they bring, etc). Now I'm looking at it more practically and wondering if I've already waited too long. I have ordered some books that are supposed to be helpful with making the parenthood decision. I think that if I end up leaning toward hoping to become a parent after some serious thought, breaking up was the best thing. Even if I never do actually become a parent, there's a chance I'd resent him which would be very unhealthy. If after spending some time on the parenthood issue, I decide my answer is no, I'm afraid I'll regret losing him.

Some backgroud My now ex-boyfriend and I dated for almost 2.5 years. He just turned 40, and I'm 34 years old. He was married for a short time about 12 years ago and has a 13 year old son. I've never been married and have no children. A few years before we started dating, he had a vasectomy. My story I broke up with him 4 days ago after weeks (months?) of agonizing over the decision. Unfortunately, he was completely blindsided by it. We both love each other very much and had talked about marriage. I broke it off because I'm not sure I can live with the thought of never having children of my own. At the time we actually made the break, I was sure I wanted kids and needed to find someone who also wanted a family. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if it's less about the issue of having kids and more of a communication issue, or maybe some of both. About 8-9 months ago, for the first time, I brought up some doubts about giving up having children of my own. He reacted very quickly, said that was an issue that couldn't be resolved, and that he'd get his stuff and be on his way. I said, no, that's not what I meant--I just wanted to talk about it. He said we'd give it a couple weeks, but I needed to figure it out--there was no point in us going on with a relationship if I wanted children. Needless to say, we stayed together at that point, but never really talked about the issue in depth. I spent the next few months trying to convince myself that I was okay with not having any kids. Heck, I'm 34 and not getting younger anyway. If I was otherwise happy with him, why not stay? There are no guarantees of me getting what I think I want anyway. However, I believe I started putting distance between us/building walls at that point in the relationship. I had brought up a very important issue I needed to communicate with him on, and he left it completely up to me to figure out. I've spent the last month or two with the realization that the "kid issue" was coming back to haunt me again. However, I didn't feel like discussing it with him would do any good, as he'd probably react like he did before or even stronger. I felt like I had to make the decision completely on my own and then communicate it to him if I felt like I had to make the hard decision and break it off. Now that I did actually break it off, my perspective has completely changed. I'm very confused about whether or not I did the right thing. Was the issue really the bad communication or was it about having a family? I just don't know. I do know I'm hurting incredibly and I miss him very much, so I don't completely trust myself on anything at this point. I think I do need some time on my own to sort this out, but I'm afraid he'll heal and move on while I take the time on my own. I haven't told him I'm having second thoughts, because I don't want to lead him on. I don't know if I should talk to him and tell him that breaking up has changed my perspective. I don't know if we should try to work on the communication issue and then see if the kid issue is still there? I don't know where to go from here....