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About Me

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  1. So I've been adopted since I was a new born, I'm 19 now I'll be 20 in a few months. And my foster mom is so so controlling, I can't even spend the day with my boyfriend or either go out with friends for that matter. I'll explain why. Recently there's just been things going on in the house where I just can't take anymore. My foster mom is so judgemental of people so she doesn't like my boyfriend bc he's 29, its a little age gap BUT were both adults and mature. Our relationship is healthy, he treats me right and respects me, he's loyal and I'm the same. He hasn't done anything to her for her to not like him shes just always been that way and just cares about herself and what she wants, she doesn't want me happy thats for sure shes broken apart every relationship I've had and they never did anything wrong to her. I dont want to leave someone just because someone else doesn't like them and opinions anyone has to say especially if they haven't done anything to anyone. I could see if he was a bad influence or he did something but he hasn't!! She just loves talking down on me and my relationship. I just wanna be happy for once. I'm finally happy in a relationship where I love the person dearly and wanna be with forever. I mentioned shes controlling I haven't been out since middle school or highschool days. And I've been trapped in this house not able to do anything but homework, i am in college. Heres an example of what happened. I've been meeting up with my boyfriend while shes at work and i be home by the time she gets home BUT she came home early and wanted to call other people talking *** about me and how i left, she even told my brother and he told her to put me out on the street since I wanted to leave. So i didnt come home till the next morning because i was trying to advoid an argument because she loves arguing with people to get her way and so i had a decision to make either to come back home the next morning or just stay with my boyfriend and figure it out, but i came home the next morning and we had a conversation about me leaving to spend time with him bc I dont ever go anywhere! And decided that i was just going to pack a bag and stay with my boyfriend and advoid all this and i get it she was mad but i just wanted time away from the house but now its just drama, and she wants to get offended when I told her to treat me like an adult and she wanted to say "if I wanted to move out I am not able to bring clothes, my phone, my laptop. Nothing. See how you like it out on the streets I'll kick your little ass out since you want to be grown and do what you wanna do"- is what she said. Let me inform you a little. My foster dad passed away from cancer last year and when he was alive, he payed everything in this house all she did was use him for his money. She didnt pay for a single thing. Now that he is gone she is trying to play victim acting like shes done something when she knows she never has she uses people. I didnt appericate how she treated my father, its unacceptable. Its just like I'm tired of dealing with this, its becoming an everyday thing when I leave or go spend the day with somebody or either wanting to move out its a big problem so now if i want to go somewhere or spend time with my boyfriend she specifcally has to be at home for me to do anything, i feel like it doesnt need to come to that i should be able to do what i want but i cant all she does is make excuses after excuses for when I wanna do something, shes not going to let me do what I want to do unless I step up and do it. Its just like there has been a hold on me since I've gotten older and everytime i ask to go out or do something its always a "no" I wanna live my life, my toxic ex boyfriend was the same way he never let me do anything with my life so its similar to this situation. I wanted to come on here and say this because many people will think differently and think shes doing all this to protect me, but it isn't, she treats my sister the same way and sometimes my brother as well he moved far away from here. He wanted to get away from everything she has done, she even stole from me before! So its like anything I say or do I won't be able to do it bc she controls me and I let her do it bc I'm scared to do what I wanna do but then again I wanna step up and own up to what I wanna do but shes holding me back from doing it. And now today she walks around with an attitude and wants to talk *** about me and my boyfriend. I get that I left and didn't come home but damn, I'm an adult. I wanna feel supported by her not talk down on and treated like a kid. my boyfriend supports me through all of this and yet I have still a decision to make but because she is so controlling. Any advice??
  2. My parents are now ageing and since 1994, have created a very lucrative business that has changed their lives (from having not much to having quite a lot) and given us a wealthier and comfortable living growing up. They run a company that specializes in chemicals and laboratory equipment. They supply to top manufacturing companies, schools, labs etc. So now they really want me 27 (F) to come to their work officially and see what they do, even though I obviously already know. And they want me to eventually run the business. I have been doing my own thing for years. I've been in and out of jobs etc and learning some skills along the way. I majored in Geography and also have an Honours degree in Literature (I think you know where this is going). I graduated a while ago. Couldn't really find what I wanted to do. Was kind of lost for most of my young adult life. Just making money from various jobs that didn't make me feel happy in life. So last year I did some research on Digital and Content Writing and Marketing. And it spoke to me. I love the internet, media and I love writing etc I loved the idea of maybe pursuing a late career in that. I came up with a few leads and even got a certified course on it. Then just when I am finally discovering myself after all these years (I'm not getting any younger), my parents hit me with a talk about working in the family business for the future of the company and myself. I'm just so stressed out now. What they do is completely different from my path. And at the same time they are getting old and I don't want to disappoint them and let the business die because of me. There is also the idea of money. I will have a much more stable income at the family business than chasing a young and uncertain career path. The pressure is unbearable and I don't know how I can balance it all. help?
  3. Hello and thank you for visiting my topic. I wanted to share this story and get some opinions for a long time. I am living and working in a third world country that has no promising life opportunities, no future and no dreams. So for a while now, especially after the Coronavirus epidemic, I started considering working abroad in a beautiful, safe city with a good quality of life. I just graduated as a software engineer and so far, I have been independant in my career. I got my two internships by myself, after some interviews and the same thing goes for my first and current job. The fact that I did not need any help and that my skills got me those opportunities makes me feel proud and believe that I can get a job abroad. But the thing is, I already have a brother, older than me by 7 years who is working in Tokyo, which is the number one city in my dream list. And the company in which he is working is my uncle's company. I had plans to join him there when I started going to college, but it changed when he started encountering problems due to his bad attitude in work. I actually don't get along with my brother at all, because he is short-tempered and egocentric and his personnality caused him lots of problems in the company. Well, that happens in any kind of work but things got ugly so quickly and my brother broke the record. He had an argument with almost everyone in his team, his manager and even my uncle, the CEO of the company. My father who is in very good terms with my uncle, always keeps giving my brother advices on how to behave but it lasted for 3 years while I am still studying and my parents became so stressed out because each time something happens, he calls them and starts whining about how they were the ones who made him join the company, when in reality it was his decision because, just like me, he wanted to work in Tokyo. Later, my brother told my parents that he will resign, which made my dad furious because he feared that his relationship with my uncle will never be the same because of his foolish son. In the end, my brother did not resign and I think that was because he knows that he will never find a better job. Still, he never took responsability of his actions and believes that his actions were always right and everything that is happening is because of his coworkers. My father on the other hand, started cherishing his relationship with my uncle more than necessary. When my uncle comes back for vaccations, my father goes and spends almost all of the day with him and forgets about my mother. He always messes around with my cousin, jokes playfully with him, which he never does with me or my brother. He takes out his stress and rage on my mom, but keeps the smiles and the great attitude to my uncle's family. I still remember the day in summer when my uncle and his wife celebrated their marrige birthday with my father, and right after he returned from the party, he had a fight with my mother for no reason. It was disgusting to watch my old man behaving so cheefully with a different family and not ours, even though we haven't done anything wrong. It became so toxic in no time, and I was observing all of this and after I had seen enough, I decided that I am never going to work in my uncle's company, because that will make things worse for all of us. My father might take the ass-kissing to a higher degree, my mother will suffer from her husband behaviour and all of my future career decisions will have to go through my uncle and my father first. My father always brings up the subject on working in Tokyo with my uncle, and I told him so many times straight away that I want to get my jobs by myself and not because I am the son of the CEO's favorite brother. What's making me feel mad is that I get the impression that his goal is not to guarantee a good career for me but to make my uncle feel that we need him so he can feel good and proud. Unfortunately I confirmed it myself when I had a talk with my father and told him that my dream is to work in Tokyo, and Imagine what he told me ? " Well, you know, it's hard out there in Tokyo for you. Also imagine what would your uncle think if you worked there in a different company .." You see ? He always gives a damn to my uncle's slightest thoughts before giving a damn to his own family, the family that he created. It's not like I will do my uncle any harm by going there and working in a different company, the city has over a 14 millions population to begin with. It's really a shame that things were not different. Otherwise I would be there right now, in Tokyo and end of story. But my father and my brother are the main reasons why I am not joining that company anytime soon. I want to walk my own path, with my own skills. What do you guys think ? Am I doing the right thing ? Has any of you been in a similar situation ? Thank you so much for reading this topic
  4. My(20f) Bf(20m) and I have been together a year and a half. It has been up and down but we do love each other a lot and genuinely have a great time in each others company. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say there were red flags. Most recently last night something came up that is making me question myself. My Bf has been on a vacation abroad for the past month and returns tomorrow. Since the beginning of December we've been planning on taking a romantic getaway to reconnect/ celebrate our anniversary. Our getaway will be the 27th-29th so really nothing huge. I footed the bill for our Airbnb and did most of the planning as he's out of the country. Before we booked our place I told him to make sure his mom was alright with him going. She said it was fine to him and even mentioned to me that it was fine. Last night while on the phone my Bf informs me that his mom and little brother are now going to come along. He says they will be staying with his relatives that live in the same city we're going to and we are just going to drop them off the first day then when we come home all ride home together. He said his mom asked and he agreed. Consulted with me about none of it. Now if I say anything I am seen as a selfish girl trying to distract him and take him away from his family. I am sick of being cast in this light. I try hard to build a bond with his family and mother particularly but I feel like this is sort of a slap in the face. I'm upset at his mother for asking. She knew this was a vacation just us yet she still asked. If we just dropped them off it wouldn't be a huge deal but I was looking forward to the drive there with him. Also I have a suspicion that what will actually end up happening is his mom calling him constantly and asking for us to all go do something or for a ride somewhere in the city. I hate being put in this position where I have to say no about his family but this was supposed to be for US. This issue has brought a bigger problem to my attention. My Bf's dynamic with his family is extremely different than mine. I am the youngest, he's the oldest. His mom is super involved with him, my parents are more hands off. His family takes vacations, my parents travel by themselves. I feel like I have a lot more independence than he does because his mom coddles him. He makes comments about how cold my family is and really makes me feel sad about it. I have always been insecure about how distant my family is but that's just how things have always been for me. I wished my family was more "fun" and did things like his but my family is small and we're all grown children now.
  5. It's time to actually make a journal and stick to it. Even if no one but me reads this, it's the cathartic properties of actually expressing my emotions that I aim for. Well, here we go. Day one. Today I had no real plans other than to do some gardening. After my morning routine of rolling out of bed, I got a call from my sister to ask if i could pick up my niece as she was unwell at school and my sister couldn't make it there to get her. I dropped her off at my mums house, had a chat with her and then headed home to get started on my front yard. I moved into a rental about 6 months ago, and it was a mess. The previous renter left junk everywhere, the front garden is an overgrown mess. I have been making my way through every room in the house, cleaning walls, carpets, everything. Making progress, but the last thing I have to complete is the front garden. Thankfully, it didn't take long. Nothing some headphones, gloves and hedge trimmers can't fix. Lately I have been pondering what it would be like to just fly off of the radar. Sell most of my big belongings, sell my car, buy a van, and just travel from town to town picking up jobs and seeing the country. It's obviously not gonna happen, but it's something I can't seem to shake. I think I am overwhelmed with everything that is going on currently and I just wanna escape it all. However, I'm staying strong and trying to find my place in this world. I have been in a really healthy relationship for the past 6 months. We met through a mutual friend, neither of us expecting a relationship. As time passed we became closer and closer, learning more about each other and realising how compatible we are. We were housemates together for a while when I moved away for 6 months, which helped me determine and learn a lot about her. We adopted a cat together and recently decided to take the plunge and get a dog. We both live active lifestyles and play sports, love camping and fishing, don't really like the night life. She is the kindest, gentlest, wonderful person I have ever met. I am blessed to have her in my life. My mental health has been very up and down lately, but I have been working hard to get back to stability. It was recommended to me to ween off of my antidepressants as they have been making my mental health worse. Since I have been cutting down on them, I am actually more stable. I can feel happiness again and not just a constant white noise. I have so much motivation and actually get things done. Still waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist for ADHD medication, but I have dealt with that for my entire life so I will be okay. The depression and anxiety is still there, but I am dealing with it much better now that i can actually feel emotions again. I think I will finish this for today, can't think of anything else currently,
  6. My older sister (34 f) went through a divorce earlier this year. The divorce happened because of her cheating with a coworker. Last summer (2020) she confided in me that she was seeing this other man. I told her she was wrong and needed to end it. I said if she wanted to see other people her and her husband needed to divorce. It was the first of a lot of arguments she and I would have over the course of the next year. The more I found out about this guy the leas I thought the was a good person. He was married, had two kids and was 47. I tried to stay as uninvolved in my sister’s drama as I could but she would often ask me to watch me two nieces (ages 7 and 4). She’d try to talk to me about this wonderful man she was seeing but I had no interest in him at all. I thought a married guy thirteen years older than her was not the Prince Charming she thought he was. I understood that her marriage to her ex bust was often times rough but I thought her choice of a new person wasn’t the best. As much as I could I avoided talking about him with her. We had one huge argument about him back around the Fourth of July when she wanted to bring him to my parents for a party. My dad and mom are a pretty socially conservative Puerto Rican couple and they don’t like the fact that my sister and her new guy were both married when they got together. They told her the guy wasn’t welcome over there. I tried to tell my sister that it’s their house and their rules. She knew how they felt and I thought she was instigating by trying to take him over there. So she and I had a pretty bad fight over it. She accused our whole family of not supporting her and being judgmental of her. I have tried not to judge. I think her and this guy are both wrong for what they did but I have kept that to myself and haven’t thrown it in her face. We haven’t talked a lot for the last few months. When we do it’s almost formal and very awkward. I still take my nieces from time to time because I love them and want to see them. But she and I no longer have long talks like we used to. I went through my own breakup recently and boy could I have ever used her shoulder to cry on. She used to confide in me when her marriage was going badly and we used to talk about everything. I miss my sister so badly at times. I really want to talk to her again. I have so many things going on right now that I need a sister to talk them over with. I need to have her in my life and I hope she feels the same way about me. I’m hoping there’s some way we can work things out. At this point she’s with this other guy. I don’t particularly like it but I guess I have to deal with it. I’m thinking of just calling her and asking if she wants to get my nieces and we can go to this place we used to go every year to buy pumpkins for Halloween. I would love to just be able to sit and talk to her for a while and let her know no matter what I’m still here for her.
  7. And it's not the first time. He was never once faithful to her. That's how me and my sister have grown up. Watching a broken family act as though we are alright and happy. My mum says she's fine with it as long as we are grown up and keeps reassuring that it doesn't affect her now, but I can tell it does. She just doesn't want to bring in the matter of divorce due to various reasons. But I'm tired of pretending. I feel like this is going to be my whole life. A home that has no real emotions to express. We can't even say it to him that we know since he becomes more careful and just hides it better. I feel like I'm carrying this huge burden on my shoulders. I can't even tell any of my friends, cause guess what? I haven't made any friendships close or strong or long enough to share such thoughts. I don't have friends who would care if I did share. They'd probably just throw some pity and move on. I have an exam in two days. And I can't even focus that well. I must be crazy, right?
  8. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  9. From The Corner of Her Eye Little woman Bright blue eyes Meeting a pair of green Beautiful man Beautiful girl Several years in between But love blinded numbers A happy seventeen and twenty-four Lost a difference of six And soon lost them quite a bit more So love, it fell Crushed—forced to die Yet still she loved From the corner of her eye A new 'love' manufactured By those far wiser than she But it wasn't the same It never would be Though quietly she succumbed Watching life pass her by Sure, she was living From the corner of her eye A beautiful wedding A teary-eyed bride A family watching A family with pride The baby, it came A beautiful girl with green eyes She didn't look like 'Daddy' An unwelcome surprise Mother didn't say sorry Quietly she left without attempting to deny She saw the anger in her family From the corner of her eye They traveled for a while—years Then happened upon a grave Mother looked defeated Which made the girl afraid After that things were different Mother didn't smile anymore Mother looked older So much older than before Soon the girl couldn't stand to watch To face her mother straight on Seeing her like that made her cry So she silently took it all in Bit by bit From the corner of her eye A girl grows to a woman A woman—she grows old And summers fade to winters Leaving warmth to fall to cold An old woman lost to sickness A young lady all alone Nothing left to hold on to And no family of her own She walks to the old gravesite A perfect place to say goodbye She knows it's time to stop living From the corner of her eye
  10. I've become heartless, cold and angry, yet i don't know why, I got over a tough relationship with my ex girl and found myself angry. I was seeing other women after that but I could'nt care less about them. Lately at work i've been somewhat of an a..hole to my co-workers, I don't talk to the family much and don't really care much about my close friends problems. I know it's not because of the break up, I got over that, but I still feel like I failed as a man or a person in general, I'm unhappy with my life, I don't wanna be where I am, but i'm stuck, I support my sick parents financially, there are so many things I want and can't have, I feel alone but don't really want anyone in my life right now cause I don't wanna bring them down with me it's a dilemma I can't figure out, I know theres gotta be something I could do. I know i'm not depressed or in need of a shrink, I'm sure it's something simple...I hope
  11. Hey everyone. I'm feeling kinda down and just need some friendly encouragement. Aside from being a nutritionsist(my day job) I am also an actor. I've done it forever, but unfortunately due to financial and family issues I've had, I haven't done it in a while. I recently decided to get back to it and did my first audition in a long time. I felt really proud of myself, because I prepared really well and had a killer audition. I felt very confident about it until I got an email yesterday saying that they regretted not being able to use my talent for this particular season, but that they sincerely appreciated my audition and wished me success. And also enocuraged me to audition next year. I am not really crushed or anything(I have another audition in couple weeks) but just disappointed and need some encouragement. I start questioning my talent and place in life. Any friendly words would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
  12. okay... for those of you that have read my previous post, you know whats going on... a few days ago, she said she's falling in love with me... i dont know whether to believe her or not, i trust her, but idk now... i love her, alot... but im just confused on what she wants... first she's to busy, then we get together for the night we spent together, then she's to busy, then she's falling in love with me... and guess what, now she's too busy... and the way she talks to me, idk if its because of stress, or what... but t seems like she's just pissed off at the world... the tone she uses at least... please help, i dont want to mess up again, she could be the one, but i think she's afraid to find out or something... i am sorry i am not very good with words, but yeah... its... bringing me to my knees, i just dont know what to do or say to her anymore. and we havent seen or talked to eachother much lately... is there a mixed signal de-coder ring? please help, if she's the one for me, i cant let her slip through my fingers like my other family members have done in previous relationships... help.
  13. I have been dating this girl for 2 years now. We have had our ups and downs, with drugs, financially, shes a little unstable when it comes to mental health. Shes been through hell for more than half her life. The problem is she needs help for the drugs. Im pretty strong when it comes to that I dont have a care for them. But she has been told by my whole family that she has to stay away from here. Cant call cant do nothing. She has been working for the past month and has been doing well on that front. But One little relapse turns everything upside down and right side wrong. Im not the strongest in the world when it comes to depression and fighting love that I feel for someone. When she has them episodes im not One who knows to much about keeping her tied down in the closet and keeping her straight. Shes going to do it anyways right? I want this thing to work. We have been looking for a place to rent on our own for a couple of weeks now and we were getting atleast somewhere in our lives finally. Just One little mistake makes everything hell between me and my family. I know being 25 years old I should listen to my own conscionce and do what I feel is right or could help her. Her sister is moving here from SC probably First of next week. I believe her moving here would straighten her out a little bit. Because she has NO family here and that makes her very depressed and wanna go toward the drugs. I love this girl with my life. I have bent over backwards literally for her. I have gave her so much money, so much of my time and ALL of my heart. I am a really decent and honest guy. I dont cheat, I dont run off and leave her alone. But the problem is I dont know how to control her and keep her safe from the drugs because I been clean a year now, and it just scares the livin crap outta me.... I am inbetween jobs at the moment. So you know it makes it a bit harder tryin to find a place. But I have a lead with a past job and it might go through. So thats good news! I know God has his reasons for doing the things he does with our lives, and also who he brings in our lives. Love has always stuck with me for someone else. It really puts a damper on my emotions cause sometimes I cant keep them under controle. When I get like this I seem to lose a ton of weight and not eat for a month. Its hard to excersize or even call anyone to talk. I really dont wanna go through this again. Me and her have been through a lot over the past 2 years and im really ready to settle down and live an honest life that God has planned for me. Her sister I know can keep her in line because she will bail her out and make her know that shes a screw up and everything else. I still have my doubts but I also need to get out on my own also. Could moving 50 more miles away maybe help? She dont have a vehicle at the moment but I will be working to get one. Her sister is coming here with her vehicle so we all will have ways to work and to the store for convenience. But her sister has made it clear to me that she will not screw around. I just dont wanna put a restriction on her because shes 22 years old and its not my job to keep her tied down and locked up. But it is my job as her fiance to keep her safe and let her know that these drugs and wild oats are going to end up killing her or ruining her life for good. I just need some real advice. I know its a long recovery from drugs. I been there and done that. Its a hard recovery to. But I also know there is not ANYONE who can do it on there own. This girl needs me and my parents keeping me restricted from her or anyone else isnt right.
  14. My life seems to being going no where fast. Growing up poor, always staying at home to study, always doing what I am told and always putting all of my own interest's aside for my parents, letting my parents decide everything for me. Now I am 21, I lack a social life, I am shy, rarely going out, my grades are slipping, I never had a girlfriend nor a job, I have low self-esteem and slightly overweight. And my parents expect me to rescue them from poverty like this? At my home, everything seems to revolve around my mother's stress, her poor health and the family debt. She is the sort of person that sacrifices all of her time, her health and her sense of well-being all for the sake of the family and accuses the family of not being supportive enough of her and expecting too much from her. She expects the family to become as "selfless" as she is and that she is the only person in the house that even has the right to even be angry or depressed. My mother (and my little sister to some extent) are the sort of people that don't like to take "no" for an answer. Because of this, I have become somewhat of a pushover, never saying "no" to anyone, even taking orders from my sister who is four years younger. It feels degrading being pushed around by a little girl that has absolutely no respect for you. I get no love, respect or support from my family no matter how much I try. I am tired of being made to feel that everything I do is not good enough. I sacrifice all my personal goals, dreams and ambitions and I am still not good enough. I am tired of having low self-esteem. Such is my low self-esteem that even to smile or laugh is out of character for me. Every time I tried to build up my self-esteem it would easily crumble whenever my mother makes me feel like she is disappointed in me. My greatest regret would be that one day my mother will die still disappointed in me. To feel depressed I would be told by my mother that I might be depressed for only one day but she is depressed every day. That makes me even more depressed. *Sigh* So much pressure and expectation merely because I am the firstborn in the family. In everything I do (e.g. uni) nobody at home has faith or confidence in me. To tell them that I am trying my best no one will believe me. Its hard when I am the only one that believes in myself. If only moving out was an option, but its not, I am far too dependant on my family. Someone one told me once that I have a heck of alot of potential, why is it that I don't see this potential? I wish I had someone believe in me, particularly someone I admire and respect. Maybe this is why I like this girl I know. She is intelligent, good grades, plently of friends, strong at public speaking (unlike me), similar background as me...etc. I can't help but feel that she is the person I would have become if I wasn't so insecure and my life filled with problems. I tried writing her an email once, to tell her how much I like her, however, I never sent it and all I did was send her an e-card saying "Happy Valentines Day!". Not that I am shy or I am afraid of ruining my friendship with her, its that I have so much things in my life to deal with first (e.g. my low self-esteem). What kind of boyfriend would I make like this? Maybe all of this is just an excuse for not saying to her how much I like her. I am tired of being ashamed and embarrassed at my every failure. I want to one day look back and laugh at myself, because I have changed so much for the better. I can't just sit around waiting for my life to change on its own, I need to take charge of my own life. I need to develop goals and ambitions if I ever want to feel like I accomplished something important in my life. I need to improve myself for my own future and also for the sake of my family. I want to live a life with no regrets. I want to take a more positive outlook on life despite the negativity and pessimism that is hard to ignore at home. I want to boost up my self-esteem. I want to lose weight, not to impress a girl but to have a better self-image. I want to somehow earn the respect of my parents and my sister. Everyday might be a struggle to find faith and confidence in myself but there is a vague hope that one day I would have a successful life. Maybe then it would be much easier to attract a girlfriend.
  15. My family has just moved...while I invested a lot of time and energy in the move beforehand, afterwards I just didn't have the strength to work on the place. I went back to work, and tried to help out in the evenings. In the past couple of days, my wife just exploded: I'm nasty to her friends, my mother is an evil witch and I take no responsibility for anything. So she says. She's gotten completely hysterical, and even her sisters say she's gone totally irrational. When I asked her why she stays with me (yes - we've gotten that far), she says that she loves me, and that I have certain characteristics that she knows she can't find anywhere else. But she acts in a way that is seriously endangering her chances of enjoying those characteristics for much longer... In any case, I understand what she wants - to know that I am there for her, that I am behind her all the way...but I don't know how to convince her that I am. No matter what I do. it's just not good enough, it's "cosmetic"' I'm just doing it to avoid conflict. So - any ideas how I can convince her I am behind her?
  16. Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.
  17. We have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We have a 3year old daughter who is my whole life. My husband loves us both with all his heart. Where the problem lies is I dont love him. I dont really know if I ever loved him. I have always gone from 1 relationship to the next and none ever lasted more than 2 years. When I got to that point with my husband I married him thinking that it was just me not being able to commit to a longer repationship and that the love would come back. It never has even after having my beautiful daughter. Long story short. I dont think I have ever really been in love. I feel lost , empty, scared, selfish, and alone. I dont really have anyone I feel comfortable talking with. I know I have to leave for myself but I cant do it to my husband and daughter. He knows how I feel and for the past 2 weeks has been doing everything to get my love back. He gives me cards and letters that only make me want to leave more because I long to feel that way about someone and have them feel the same. He thinks that I will take my daughter with me if I leave but what he doesn't know is that I couldnt do it to him. That is the only reason I am still with him. I cant bear the thought of being away from my precious little girl. She is here asking me why I am crying. Sorry to ramble I just need a little advice?
  18. hi my name is teri and im 21 years old- i have been suffering from social anxiety and boredom ever since i can remember. then at age 11 i developed epilepsy. i feel like i cant communicate to any1 and i hate the pressure i get from my dad most of all but i cant live without him either. both of my parents are diabetic. i have no family or friends. its impossible for me to make friends since i suck at everything. i constantly have suicidal thoughts and i cant make it goaway. i hate being at risk for every disease like cancer and diabetes- it runs in the family. its bad enough that i wear thick glasses and i have hair loss. ive had to drop out of school because of this. i feel like exploding. if any1is suffering like me or going thru social anxiety, please feel free to email me at email removed
  19. Ok, here's the deal. I went out with this girl from school a week and a half ago. Her and I really hit it off and at the end of the first date, we kissed. This was on a Friday. Well, that weekend, there was a death in her family and for several days, I gave her her space to deal with the emotional trauma. She called me the following Wednesday and everything was back on track. Since I go to school with her, we went out Thursday night, had a blast, and at the end of the night, we hugged and she actually made the move to kiss me. On Friday, we had lunch together, had a blast with lots of interesting conversation, and at the end of the "lunch date", I leaned over and kissed her. Her and her family did a car wash thing this past weekend to raise money so she was pretty much busy her whole weekend. I last spoke to her on Saturday morning, just to say hi. I tried calling her Sunday night, got her voicemail, so i left a message. Since the services for the death in the family was Monday and Tuesday, I didn't call, nor did I expect her to call. Well, it's Wednesday now and I tried calling her a while ago and i got her voicemail again. I left her a message again asking her to call me. Now, my question here is, should I be freaking out because I've gotten her voicemail the past two phone calls? I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is really busy and can't talk, but in the back of my mind, I kind of have this feeling that she is avoiding me. Should I not be feeling this way? I really miss her and just hearing her voice right now would make me feel a lot better. I don't want to blow up her phone by calling her like crazy or anything, but I was going to try calling her again tonight before going to bed. Can someone please give me some feedback, especially the ladies off this forum?
  20. Ok, heres the deal (please dont think I'm disgusting) I'm in a relationship with a guy 15 yrs older than me, I'm 19. He was my highschool teacher and the first and only guy ive ever been with. My parents found out about our relationship about 3 months after it began (I was no longer in his class but I was still in high school) Then he was sent to Iraq and they thought our relationship ended so they didnt get him introuble w/ the school or anything. But the other day they found that I still had his number and pretty much hate me right now. I love this man to death, he means the world to me--but being with him means totally losing all contact with my family b/c they have made it clear they wont have anything to do with me if I stayed with him. He wants to get married but I am so scared of losing my family when or if I do marry him, because they will know for sure I have been lying to them this whole time. I wish I didn't love him so much and could move on, but every time I try I can't, it breaks my heart... I dont know what to do!
  21. i was adopted at 2 yrs old. my 'family' are monsters and i don't seem to be able to be happy or social. i just feel like making it all go away. i have no friends. i have a boyfriend, but he is busy and closed-off in so many ways. i hate feeling like this. i hate being on guard all the time. there was a time when i triumphed, but i just don't feel able anymore...
  22. Hi I was seeing my girlfriend for a year and a half. She has 2 young sons and lives about 100 miles away. We solit up 2 months ago due to a few problems I was having. I've been suffereing from low self esteem and this was reflected in my not wanting to spend time with my girlfriends friends and family. The break up was very loud. Since then I have improved my health no end and received coucelling. I email my ex girlfriend last week with the following message: *her name* I've said an awful lot of things that I should have thought about before saying. Some things I didn't mean at all and can't justify why I said them in the first place (prat). I've been a selfish idiot and I'm sorry. I've missed you more than you could ever imagine and really want to see you again. I'm not sure how you'll take that, but a nice surprise would be really... umm... nice. I love you to bits *my name* I then rang her on Saturday and her mother (who was house sitting) answered the phone and told me she was away on holiday. I then sent her the following letter on Tuesday morning: *her name* Please read this... I have been the biggest and blindest idiot on the planet. I understand exactly why you have been so angry and upset with me and I understand just how selfish I have been. I am truly sorry. My stupidity has cost me the best thing I have ever had. I realise how important it was for me to be by your side with your friends and your family. Having had time to think things over and having listened to my friends, I know that this is exactly where I want to be *her name*. You know I don't come from a close and warm family, so sometimes I don't understand ways that other people's families work. Your family is lovely and you're so lucky to have them. I would love to be a part of your family (even though your dad sometimes bothers me). I know I have upset you by not wanting to be with your friends. This boils down to my having been paranoid about what they think of me, and that I may not be good enough for you. I realise how unimportant this is now and how much time I have wasted worrying about such things when I could have just relaxed and had a great time. I told you I'd had a really bad day the same week that I saw you last. What I didn't tell you is that as a result of that, I made an appointment the same day to see my doctor (scary Dr Irish) the next week. I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to be concerned and I thought I should deal with it myself. My doctor gave me some really good advice regarding my diet, exercise and habit s and I was told to get more sun. He also sent me to see a counsellor in Bath who recommended I read the book I was already reading. Both my doctor and councellor made a lot of sense and with my hand on my heart, I can say I have never been as healthy and full of beans as I am right now. I know I have surrounded myself with walls during our relationship and I've been over protective of my privacy and haven't been able to commit to you, as I really wanted. I want these walls down, and want to give myself to you as honest as I can be. But if you really still don't want to talk to me again, then I shan't write, phone or email you again. If however, you would like to step out with me for a meal some time or if you would like to go camping to Lulworth (and it's amazing surrounding bays where I camped recently) with the boys and maybe *her friends names* and their boys? Then get in touch. I feel I have wasted so much time concerning myself with so many little un-important and petty things that I've missed the bigger picture: I love you Wendy. You are so very important to me and I miss you so much it hurts. *my name* P.S. I want you here, in my bed, with my arms around you. I want to be ever so close to you. I then found an email from her waiting for me in reply to my email. She told me she had just got back from holiday and that she was sorry that things had ended on such a bad note and that it was "for the best really". She also said she was seeing someone else now. I absolutely adore her and feel as though I should have told her I was getting councelling. I know her new relationship is very new. She was always telling me during our relationship how much she loved me, but I didn't know how to repond. I so want her back. She would have got the letter today. I don't know weather to phone her, drive over there, email her or what. I am absolutely distraught. I don't know what to do.
  23. There's this girl I've know for 5 months. I just think of her as a friend, but fear she thinks of me as more. When I first met her, she told me, "You look like someone who has a girlfriend.' (this was 5 minutes after I met her) Then it seemed like anytime she saw me after that, that she was very excited to talk to me. Also today she asked where I lived, told me where she lived, and wondered if I wanted to help her with a meal for her family. Is it all in my head, or does she like me?
  24. Ok, this is how it is....There's this girl i see around school and everything, i had 1 class with her before but not anymore. We've never talked or anything but i notice that she will stare at me sometimes. I don't know her name or anything. Now that i dont have any classes with her i only see her 2 times a day, 1 time in the morning before school starts, and 2nd after 3rd period for like a second walking in the hallway. I don't ever see her talking to anyone really, i mean she does hang with her friends in the morning. Can anyone help me on how to ask her out? Cause im very bad at starting a conversation, i never know how to start em off. I just want some good tips on what to say and stuff. Oh, and im a freshman in high school and so is she. Well, i notice that whenever we make eye contact in the morning im always first person to look away....There's 1 more problem too...im white and she is well...black. I mean i have no problem dating a black girl, it's just my family don't like black people period, which is very stupid. Me, i dont see white or black when i look at a girl, i just see a girl that i like. But my family isnt like me at all. I done gotten threats from family members about if i date a black girl and all that stupid crap. Should i just go with my heart? Or listen to my family and feel bad?
  25. I didn't know where to put this. i will try to keep it short and sweet. I don't want to live with my parents anymore but im too young and prospects of me moving out in near future are far from real. I don't want to live with my family anymore because i feel supressed by them. like i cant be myself. i have a few mental health issues. i know this. i cant keep up the act all my life tho. pls help. My parents are good parents but i hav a lot to live up to from my sister and so cant be myself. any ideas of what i should do?
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