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  1. Hello everyone and thank you for visiting this topic. My family is facing some problems right now related to my father behavior. Currently I am 24 years old and I am working remotely from home, living with my father and my mother. My older sister is married and my middle brother works abroad and I am the little son. The problem I am going to talk about does not involve bullying or anything of that kind, it's just something that is becoming annoying and I wish I could find a solution. My father is a retired man, taking good care of all of us. He has a little brother, who is the CEO of the company where my brother is employed. Of course he got him this job and it's been nearly 5 years. Since then, I am feeling like my father is becoming so needy, pleaser and clingy to my uncle. All of us noticed it. He wants to involve him in any kind of subject : If I am looking for an internship, he insists that we should take his advice. If I got an offer from some company or whatever, he wants me to share it with him. That's the case for all of the family members and not only me : For example, lately my brother came back for some vacations with us and he noticed that my uncle bought a new car, so he casually said that the car is good, but he didn't even take a good look at it. Later in the same day, my uncle called my father and guess what my old man told him ? He said that my brother was overwhelmed by the car and he wanted to wash it and drive it so much that he went crazy ... I hope you see my point here. Things are escalating and it's becoming ass kissing. He also treats my uncle's son, my cousin way better than he ever treated us. He is so friendly towards him and always jokes with him. He barely does that with me or my brother. My uncle never treats me, or my brother in that way, I respect him so much and we get along, but not in a friendly way. the same thing goes with my uncle's wife, which annoys my mother so much. I just can't stand it anymore. He makes us feel like lackeys. He just abandons all self worth and confidence and makes us look pathetic. I am 100% sure that if he had to choose between his family and his brother, he would go for his brother. He wants me to join my uncle's company so much too, which I never intend to do if this keeps up, because the ass kissing will evolve and that's the last thing I want. Even when I mentioned that I want to work in Japan, where my brother works, but in a different company, he tried to convince me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle will get mad because I went there without his approval and not in his company ... What the hell was that ? Believe me, it's driving me crazy even though I am a calm person. That is my decision to make and my uncle is not my father ! He did not help me in any way throughout my studies and I don't owe him anything, why the hell should I give up on something I want to experience or try, just to satisfy him ? You see ? I want to let out my anger at my father for his behavior. I want to yell at him so much to the point I am sure that It will end up with a serious argument and fight. Believe me it's affecting even my mental health. I will be graduating soon but my thoughts are concentrated on this instead of my graduation project. Finally, thank you so much for reading this towards the end. What do you suggest I do ? What do you think of my situation ? Thank you in advance
  2. My brother has been dating this girl that I went on two dates with...the farthest things got physically between us were getting very handsy, her straddling me on my bed and making out intensely but nothing more than that. I met her on a dating app and so did my brother (unaware of my history with her). WHAT ARE THE ODDS!! The moment I found out he was seeing her I told him what happened between her and I because I would want my brother/friend to tell me immediately if the situation was reversed. He really appreciated me letting him know and being upfront about things and I thought this would bother him enough to stop seeing her BUT IT DIDN'T and he doesn't seem to mind...nor does she and she knows he's my brother!! weird right? I understand they really get along and he has been trying to find a girlfriend for years but why did it have to be her of all people? I told him I didn't care but I only said that because I feel it's not my place to decide who my brother dates (at the end of the day it's his life) and I thought he would cut things off with her because it was too weird but he did the exact opposite. The only people that know about what happened is my girlfriend, my sister, and my parents. Anyway, I'm extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing and don't know what to do. When he brings her to a family get together it's going to be super awkward and my family is going to wonder why I'm weird around her and I'm going to tell them why (same with my brother's friends if they ask). The situation is some twisted bad luck and I just need advice on how to best navigate this.
  3. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  4. first of all thank you for your time and, my english may not be that good but im gonna try my best im a 15 year old girl and i have a 4 years older sister (19) who literally starts punching me on the face and pulling my hair whenever i ask her to, for example; move away when im sweeping the floor or when i ask her to clean the mess she made with food on MY bed... like im not even asking her to do me a favor she just refuses to act like a decent human being, she takes "dont tell me what to do" to a whoooooole new level.. she gets so easily offended by literally nothing and thats her biggest insecurity i once called her a snowflake and she almost broke my nose lmao i regret nothing. and because of what. because she pushed me away when i was sitting next to her holding the laptop, reading the news about the BTS meal, and i asked her to search for the price and she got offended thats why i called her a snowflake and she was TRIGGERED 🙂 when it comes to decent respect to family members or people in general, shes a complete a*hole. shes not participating in the chores (i always have to do her part of the chores) plus she always act like we owe her something; using my things without permission and throwing it on the floor when i want it back... and much more. our little sister is 12 and she never interacts with her cuz she knows how of a psychopath she is, and our older sister sometimes try to pick on her as usual but i often stand up for her because im the one who knows her weaknesses and i just cant let her win. this s**t didnt happen overnight, she used to abuse me physically and emotionally when we were kids and i learned how to use it all against her, shes just projecting her insecurities on others and i make sure shes always reminded of how weak she is to act like that.. sounds manipulative i know, shes one of the mostly people on earth that i have 0 empathy left for her, i would say that is my coping mechanism, i always win at argument, so her only comeback is the hitting and thats the only thing she wins at, but that doesnt affect me as much as it affects her, i dont really feel anything when she hits me it just gets old.. no f*cks left to give thats it, and i know how much words trigger her so i would never keep my mouth shut bcz i can 🙂 neither of us is mentally stable at this point, but i try as much as i can not to let people go through what ive gone through, something she does the complete opposite of, and i love making the people of her kind have a taste of their own medicine the most important part, are my parents paying attention to this? yes and no. i feel like theyre doubting themselves for her being like this, because... no need to sugar-coat this, child abuse is so normalized in our culture and my older sister was so mentally affected by which made her ego so fragile... are they doing anything to help? hear me out, when my sister and i get into a fight im "the only one who they can communicate with, safely" and i just need to ignore her because "im more mature"... like she always throws a tantrum like a f*cking 2 year old, crying and screaming whenever they try to discipline her saying that "they are the reason why she is like this" no b*tch stfu youre just a snowflake and you trying to make us feel bad while youre the one who always starts it off and tries to get away with it like a weak ass bi*ch like how can any parents expect and consider the victim who is also the youngest, to be more mature? how does that make you feel about yourself as a f*cking 19 year old? it bother me most when i see them not incharge of all of this, it makes me think: "when is she going to cmmit dead and leave us all in peace?" i even get death threats from her and i get bruises on my body and my scalp is hurting af its literally a miracle that she didnt break any bone in my body yet and MY PARENTS ARE NOT HELPING I SWEAR SOMEDAY IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
  5. Me and my fiancé have been together for almost 4yrs. We have a child together and both of us have a child/children from a previous marriage. I have full custody of my oldest, she doesn’t see her dad. My fiancé has joint custody of his two kids, which I find to be very disruptive to every day life. At this point, his custody situation is really causing a lot of problems. His children refuse to come to our house - say they are uncomfortable here. They stay at his parents during his visitation. Typical grandparents. No responsibilities, waited in hand and foot, no consequences, no rules really. Might I add, I have never been mean, never disciplined, never even raised my voice towards them. To give you an idea, the 11yr old girl and 13yr old boy baby talk. Yes!! Baby talk!! They whine and manipulate, cry and pout to get their way, no matter the situation. My oldest daughter, has pretty much been given no choice but to embrace the blended family life and I feel she has adjusted well. She went from being an only child to having a sibling and step siblings. his on the other hand are catered to and coddled. We even take separate family vacations at this point which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I think if his kids aren’t “comfortable”going on a family vacation, then they shouldn't be getting one of their own. I think them saying they are not comfortable is yet another manipulation tactic, but I could be wrong. Anyways. My biggest issue, I feel that his joint custody arrangement is really interfering with every day living. I work night shift, he works days. We barely have time for each other, hardly see each other during the week. Every other weekend consists of him being at his parents, on top of 2-3 days out of the week. I have tried to tell him that I don’t think it’s fair they are causing such a divide, I also don’t think it’s fair he is constantly gone and I am stuck taking care of the house by myself. It is very difficult to keep up with yard work, house work, a toddler and a 14yr old. I feel I have a part time relationship because of all of this. I feel like if he is going to see them at his parents, he should limit his evening time to 1hr max, so he can spend time with our daughter - how fair is it she only gets part time visitation too, but also to help me with yard work, house work and everything in between. He thinks I am trying to keep him away from his kids - but that’s what his ex wife says. Might I add, she doesn’t have them often. Usually every other weekend, they are pretty much dumped at his parents or hers during the week. I am getting to the point, I’m ready to make him move in with his parents. Life would be so much easier if I would suck it up and ignore it. Just continue to handle everything on my own, but it’s exhausting! I feel so overwhelmed.
  6. My husband has an older brother and a younger sister. The brother and his wife do not get along with sisters boyfriend. Due to disagreements over covid/restrictions/politics, the brother and wife refuse to be around the boyfriend. Now that covid restrictions are easing, brother and wife want to host a dinner at their house - inviting grandparents, parents, us, and sister. Boyfriend is specifically not invited. So sister is also not going. I think it's their house, they are allowed to invite/not invite who they want but shouldn't be surprised if sister doesn't go. Husband wants to also not go because he thinks no one should be excluded, that by going shows we are okay with excluding boyfriend. I think this would make the tension between brother/wife and boyfriend worse. Husband and I have previously talked with brother and wife that they need to try to get along with boyfriend, especially since he is planning to propose soon. They don't have to be friends with boyfriend but need to be civil during family dinners and events. Should husband and I not attend to show not okay with exclusion? Should we go but share our disappointment about the exclusion? Any advice would be welcome.
  7. In the early 1990’s I became a 5th generation soldier and joined my younger brother and my fiancé ( now husband) in the military. It was a bad time to join the military it was really reviled in the popular cultural of that decade . Slurs would be shouted against you ,you could be spit on ....it was .... but I was determined to follow a family tradition . And I would be the first female family member in the military and still to this day the only female member of my family to have been in the military. While I was at home yesterday to visit my mom I had time to reminisce briefly with my brother . He mentioned, those were “ hard times, not easy for sure “. It is something my sibling and I can have comradery on that nobody else understands really. This will just be a disjointed collection of military memories. And it kind of gives insight into a bit of my personality as military training never leaves you. I remember attending my husband’s medal ceremony recently and they called the room to attention and I immediately shot to attention in my seat automatically. I left the military 16 years ago .
  8. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 5 years and we got engaged a couple months ago before Christmas. When we first started dating, I never had any issues with his sister (I actually thought she was the coolest!). However, as time went on, I realized she really didn’t like me. She looked at me like the person taking him away from family because he was spending all his time with me (we moved in together, moved to another state together for work). She would make snide comments and just generally rude to me (to my face and behind my back). I let it roll off my shoulders because I’m not great at confrontation. When he told her he was planning to propose, she told him not to do it and basically that I’m an awful person to marry. Same thing when we got engaged- not a happy reaction AT ALL. It was tough to see someone so upset about us getting engaged when we were so excited to take this step together, but again, let it slide because it wasn’t worth the confrontation. We went to dinner with her, his mom and uncle to celebrate the holidays and at dinner they asked about wedding plans. My fiancé told them we were barely started with planning but had a guest list and were planning to have an adult only wedding (no kids). She took this incredibly personally (she has a 4 y/o daughter) and became very upset in the restaurant. LONG STORY SHORT... She got incredibly angry (honestly borderline pure rage) and blew up in the restaurant. She began screaming at me (blaming me), cussing at me, telling me I’m a terrible and manipulative person. I said nothing back because I was purely shocked by her reaction and in tears. I got up to remove myself from the situation (it was humiliating and quite a scene in the restaurant) and she then chased me out of the restaurant trying to physically assault me. My fiancé had to physically restrain her to prevent her from actually hurting me. I don’t know how to handle her and our relationship. I’m terrified of this person and the level of rage she is capable of reaching. She clearly hates me and does not support our decision to get married. Bottom line is I don’t want her at my wedding.... Am I wrong if I don’t invite her? Any thoughts?
  9. I can't stand my life anymore and I have to talk to somebody. The thing is, I don't want any attention from my family or friends so I can't talk to them but they're part of the problem anyway so this is the only place I can turn to. I am so withdrawn that I can barely talk to my family anyway so that is not an option. Here's my life in a nutshell. I am 38 years old but I have to live with my mom. My parents divorced when I was a teenager but my dad has gotten increasingly controlling and smothering and judgemental and negative, etc. so that's a constant source of stress for me. I got laid off from my good paying job 2 years ago and all I've been able to get are part time jobs, hence why I am stuck living here now. I haven't been on a date in 3 years and I have only had one real boyfriend in my life which was 10 years ago. I am so lonely for somebody to hold me, I dont even need sex, I just need someone to love who loves me back! I have been deprived of this for most of my life and the longer it becomes, the worse I feel. I have no interest in any jobs out there, I only take whatever I can get cuz I have to and then it makes me miserable. I am interested in a lot of subjects but I lose interest once I try to do it for a living. I have just lost the interest to work, period. I hate getting up in the morning, I have stopped exercising, I have shut myself down in almost every way possible. I hate talking to and being around my family, and I'm forced to live with my mom and my dad is always making things worse so every day is almost unbearable. I dont want to turn 40 and be alone, living with my mother, with a part time job I can't even survive off of. But that seems to be the way my life is heading and I can't stop it. I spend all my time fantasizing about how I want my life to be, but I know it isn't healthy to live in a fantasy world all day long, yet my life is so sucky I have to do it just to stay sane. I don't want to kill myself, but I dont see how my life can improve. I have tried everything I can think of, I just can't seem to fix it. Last week I had the happiest moment of my life, and I was sleeping. I was having a dream where I stole millions of dollars and escaped to my own island far out in the middle of the ocean, and it had a mansion on it and a secluded lagoon with crystal blue water, and I had a boyfriend, and I didn't have to work ever again, then I woke up and pretty much burst into tears right then and there. In the past I have posted about my problems on this and other sites but obviously I can't be helped or something, otherwise I wouldn't be in a worse situation now wishing I was dead! I am a spiritual person, believe it or not, and I believe what comes after this is perfect, and I just don't see the point in suffering with this crap.
  10. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now. We'd consider ourselves to be in a committed relationship with hopes to someday get married and start a family of our very own. I am a 34 year old professional and she is 26 year old full time student. There have been challenges in communication between the two of us and we're currently seeking professional couples counseling as a result of recent events. I had been contacted by a lesbian couple interested in having me become their sperm donor. I have known this couple for six years and would consider them to be wonderful women who exemplify the stability one would look for in a committed relationship. I enjoy spending time with them but we don't regularly make plans to meet up or stay in contact. They don't know my girlfriend very well but have been aware of out three year relationship. I had received an email about four weeks ago asking if I had time to meet up with them for coffee. I imagined it would be for a business proposal and honestly didn't see this coming. When we finally met up, my girlfriend went shopping in town and I sat with the ladies and heard their proposal. They informed me that they were looking to start a family in the next six months and both of them agreed that I was someone they had in mind as a possible donor. All three of us discussed the weight of a decision like this and that nothing would be decided until I sought council with my girlfriend, family and any other people I'd usually count on for an objective view. I lost track of time in all this discussion. That's not something I'm use to doing and as I walked accross the street with this heavy topic I worked on how I would deliver the simple suggestion of discussing their proposal. To be honest, I envisioned my girlfriend listing the reasons why my involvement in this proposal was a bad idea and that we didn't need something like this to consider while going through a fragile stage in our relationship. What I got was a visceral response that suggested I was completely out of my mind. She stated if this was something I was even considering that there was no future for us as tears poured down her face. Usually I have a real soft spot for tears but the volume of her voice and her inability to see this as a means for us to have an adult discussion felt like I was being attacked for something I hadn't even done. This never made it to the conversation stage I hoped it would. She clearly stated that the fact I ever considered it was her reason for a now untouchable topic. She insists that I need to be someone who can come to my own conclusion regarding topics like this. Have I done anything wrong? Is this something I can't understand because I'm a man? Am I unable to empathize with her pain and frustration because of my ego? I reflect on this relationship as one that we've both grown a great deal from and feel this is a deal breaker on both of our radars. She wants someone who would know her well enough to turn this down right on the spot and I want someone who I could take anything to and weigh out the pros and cons in a way that speaks to why having a companion is a wonderful and supportive experience. As I mentioned earlier, we are now going to relationship counseling that I suggested we consider a couple of times in the past. She was not open to it before but this has made her willing to try. We agreed to take this issue off the burner completely by me contacting the couple and telling them that while I appreciate the consideration this is not something that I can be a part of. I really need some clarity from objective men and women from all walks of life. Along with your responses please suggest some other forums where this would be appropriate.
  11. A bit long, sorry, but I need help from you guys on this. I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. We always get along, we are together everyday and we argue about minimal stuff like anyone else. He has an older brother who is egotistical, he only thinks of himself, always does what he likes, is awkward sometimes and once was about to get physical with me because I was cheering for another fighter in the UFC than him (who his fighter lost). If it wasn't for my boyfriend stepping in who knows what he would've done. The last straw though was at a bbq, one summer day, he refused to let me help with the bbq when I asked nicely saying: "my girlfriend is coming, I want to impress her", when you're offering help. I was sad at first but then got mad at him for being so rude and said it infront of everyone to let him have it (he deserved it imo) and left. He always does this when she is involved, he needs to put on a show. He's a fake pos, he has nothing to his name at 27, barely can do school, and he thinks he can boss others around. He has even told my boyfriend many times: "this isn't your house, you don't live here anymore" when he doesn't either, and it's his families' house. This is a brief summary, there is much more, point to say he's an asshole. We confronted him once about this and he said he back talked us to everyone and wasn't even sorry for how he behaved. So we cut him out and didnt speak to him. In the present, we wanted to be at his house for holidays but he might've been there too so I told my boyfriend the best way is we go when he's not there to avoid trouble. He's stubborn and thinks we should still confront this guy, who won't change, because "avoiding isn't a long term solution, so now we sabbotage our free will to come on the chance he will be there?" He thinks we should confront him again. I believe people like this don't change, and you don't keep them in your life, they are toxic. We have our own place and don't need to be here at all even, other than to see his younger bro and his parents. I really need people's opinions on this, do you agree with me that if you've confronted someone and they refuse to change no point in keeping a narcissist like that in your lives? My boyfriend doesn't talk to him or like him but he has naiveness with people (he thinks he's not). I've been screwed over by people like this and know better. Today I left their house because his mom, who is geniunely a psycho, never discplined her kids and will defend them even if they are wrong said to me: "just forgive him its the moral thing to do" and him nearly hitting me as "an incident". I literally started off polite with her then lost it when she kept saying this crap. She's the type of person who interjects in others problems. The day it happened she had the nerve to tell me to stay at an event I was insulted at. I am livid and honestly I'm going crazy about this feeling like I'm alone in this... My boyfriend hates him fyi but idk what it is, he's naive or what, he can't see confronting again won't do anything. He says "I'm not going to do this not talking thing". Idk what to do... I've spent hours explaining and debating why with him and he agrees on everything exept how to deal with him. What would you do in my shoes? Thanks guys for anyone who answers honestly. My dad said no matter what happened the fact he didn't come with me was a really rude thing to do, to leave you're SO alone on new years (and with covid you cant go anywhere)...
  12. I feel crazy posting this to the internet but I need some advice so, what the hell. Sorry it's so long lol My boyfriend has lived with his family for years, including his 3 yr. old niece; who is just about his favourite person in the world. I moved in with them about 5 months ago, until that point he had such a strong relationship with his niece that they slept in the same bed. Now, I love children, I claim everyone's kid as my own regardless of whether I know them or not. However, from the point I moved in, my boyfriend's sister-in-law made it abundantly clear that she didn't like me and, in turn, didn't want her daughter to like me. This has changed somewhat over the past few months to the point where his niece is now obsessed with both of us, and follows me around just like she'd been doing to him for years. I know that ocassionally he gets jealous thinking that she loves me more than him, but I get jealous that he loves her more than me... or would love her more than our future children. I will admit, I'm a very needy and affectionate person; my bf knows this and he makes me feel loved almost 100% of the time, but sometimes when his niece is around he shows an utter disregard for me. Just an example: yesterday night we had a shower and then got in bed, his niece comes and climbs into our bed, my boyfriend starts to fall asleep.. I'm weird with sleeping and he knows that, I have to have the lights off and usually the tv on, cuddled up with him. She's in between us so I gently said "Babe, if you're tired then let's go to bed." He half-heartedly asked her if she was ready for bed, she didn't answer and he continued snoozing. I nudged him again and told him that I was ready for bed too, so he moved his niece from in between us and laid back down, thinking she was annoying me. It's basically just the fact that she's a toddler and gets to do whatever she wants, she's spoiled to death ; seriously, she cries if you tell her "no." She constantly wants mine or my boyfriend's phone, using it until it dies, or she wants to watch cartoons on our t.v. or draw in my notebooks. Basically she wants to be the center of attention in everything, and I have no freedom to do anything because I feel rude asking my boyfriend to get her out of the room so I can change clothes or go to bed. Also I forgot to mention earlier an don't know where to put it now, but he always holds her, plays with her hair and calls her cute names. He explicitly said to me "I'll love ours just as much," which bothers me because I feel like his niece and his daughter shouldn't be in comparisson. I wonder if our daughter will end up feeling the same way that I do or if he'll act the same with our daughter but still not me. Perhaps it's just that he knows that I know he loves me, regardless of the attention he gives me while a child wouldn't understand that. Not sure if y'all can offer me any advice or if this was just a large rant, but... Thanks, either way.
  13. Hi. I'm 23 (from India) and unemployed because of covid. Though I actually do have a job (I work on the cruise in the USA) but since international flights aren't resumed, I'm stuck at home. My life has been so boring and now it's only gotten worse. 3 days ago I had an argument with my mom where I simply just stood up for myself but she got so mad at me that she called me a bitch and even hit me, leaving a bruise on my hand. I didn't want to talk to her at all because of how poorly she treated me. I do so much for her despite being the youngest in my family, I'm usually taking care of my siblings (when she was out of states) and always helping around with household chores and giving money to my parents when I was working. She was so mad at me that she didn't speak to me at all and didn't serve me food which it made me feel so upset.. I tried talking to her yesterday because today's Christmas and I didn't want our relationship to be this way but she only ignored me completely even though I apologized to her . Next is my elder brother who wouldn't let me find a job because he wanted to me to work in a 5 star hotel (since I work on the cruise as a hostess in the food and beverage department) and not anywhere else because he cares about me getting experience rather than me having an earing of my own as I need money to go the dermatologist every two months and I can't ask my parents for it because they have to run the house and we aren't really that rich. But yesterday I did attend a job interview and they told me I could start on Jan and it's offering me 10k (which is 135.95 in USD) and my brother, since he didn't want me to work in a 3 star hotel, asked me to pay home half the money of what I was earning and I could only keep like 3k (which is 40 in USD) because I'm apparently using the electricity of my own home and if I'm working I have to pay. I don't know if I should just stay in a pg (paying guest house) where they don't charge me that much of an amount my brother is asking me to pay at home just because I'm staying home. This is really messed up I know.. But please hear me out. I have no one to talk to. I just cry myself to sleep for the past 3 days. I can't even talk to my dad because he'll only side my brother because my brother is giving money for the house since he's working. Please tell me what to do.
  14. For whatever reason, I'm having real trouble adjusting to my separation, the week-on-week-off schedule with my children living with me and being single. I am seeing a woman I fancy, not sure how interested she is. I've been separated about a year and would be divorced by now if my ex (of 24 years) would just finish what she started. She's had my draft separation agreement since early April and has done nothing with it, not even responded through her attorney despite my lawyers calls to them. I enjoy the weeks that my kids are here. Its noisy, busy and fun. When they go, I go through a letdown that lasts several days. Those weeks without them, I do go out. But the woman I'm seeing is, like me, very busy with work and her own life. So I'm now missing her too when (as circumstances have it) we can't see each other or even occasionally have to change plans. To round it out, I work from my home, traveling for business a fair amount. But often, I'm just here, working and talking on the phone with my clients. Nearly all my local friends are married and have children. So its tough to see them too. Its not like I'm a shut-in though I do feel like that sometimes. Just 'getting out there' is hard. Sustaining meaningful connections to those around me is way hard since my marriage ended and my family blew up. I am in counseling. I wish I could say its helping more. I'm sure I'd be much the worse if I wasn't working on me. For over a year now, I've been taking anti-depressants (Celexa) with no ill effects. I've never been listless, depressive and unmotivated in my life. But I am there now and feel really stuck. Have others had these issues as they endured a separation, dissolution of family and divorce? I'd love to get some suggestions (beyond 'just do it') to get and stay on a more positive track. Thanks, Raoul
  15. To everyone around us, my mother and I have the best mother-daughter relationship possible. Everyone says I'm lucky to have a mother who is like a friend to me. After my parents' divorce fourteen years ago, my mother brought me up alone. I have an immense amount of respect for her for that. Since we were two women living alone without any third person with us, and since my mother is pretty progressive, we always had a friendly relationship. I've been there to witness all her relationships and breakups and everything in between. I've been the friend who had always been there when she needed to get back up after another relationship went down the drain. But it's not all fun and games like it seems. What this relationship meant that my mother remained like a friend. She never became a mother to me. I was very young when I realized I didn't have a mother. I had a friend of a different age. I had to learn to become the caring figure in my life. But that's not the main reason I resent her. Even the friendship with her is not balanced. It's always about her. Her relationships, her breakups, her friends. She didn't even notice me going through two breakups, coping with my best friend's suicide or struggling with my sexual orientation. She never bothered to ask how my day was. When I found out my best friend killed herself, we were in the dinner table and I couldn't eat. She bluntly said that girl was not important enough to be so sad over her. So only her friends are important. Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe she had my best interests in my mind. But she never tried to understand me as a person. I know she loves me. But she doesn't value me as a person. That brings me to the next topic. She doesn't understand boundaries. She doesn't understand where she ends and I start. When I buy something for myself, she either wants to take it or wants me to buy her the same thing. She wants to participate in my every activity. She says it's my duty to make her happy since she brought me up alone. I guess it is, but I just want something for myself, and myself only. I want to be my own person, not her shadow. She's suffocating me. It's even worse in this pandemic because I have to spend every waking minute with her. I really do love her. I don't want to hurt her. How do I successfully enforce boundaries without hurting her?
  16. I am a 23 year old female . I grew up within the African culture where spanking your child is okay , you got spanked at school at home so that was the norm. Moving to US was different , and I have always felt ok with being disciplined if I had done something wrong but I feel like there is things that are too far . While in highschool I was in the soccer team , both of my parents were very overprotective, I couldn’t really do anything hangout with friends , i had to lie even when I was going to hangout with my best friend sometimes. One time after school I had forgotten to mention that I had soccer practice and when I got home my father called me and my little brother to the bedroom and he was asking us why we didn’t let him know and it turned into a lecture he then proceeded to say “understood?” I was looking down at the floor and didn’t answer his question or say yes I understand ,next thing I know he stands up and put his hands on my neck and pushes me against the closet door and I answer yes. I had bruising on my neck and I remember the next day was church day and I got in the car with my dad and he promised never to do it again. So I let it go , nearing the end of my senior year in highschool I was getting into makeup and just enjoyed learning and putting on makeup . My dad did not like this as he somehow associated me starting to put on makeup with somehow me getting pregnant. Graduation day came and I put on make up and went for the ceremony . After we were going out to eat and the whole time my father complained about the makeup , and still associating it with me somehow ending up getting pregnant because of makeup , he then compares me to my biological mother and said some nasty things . The day was ruined for me and so I said I won’t be joining them for dinner , he came rushing back into the house pushed me on the bed and he put his hands on my neck and I remember the only thing I could do was bite his thumb, he was strangling me telling me I should stop being rude and just obey him and that the makeup is making me this way . After this event I had a swollen eye and nail marks all over my neck . Recently when I went home for the holidays he questioned why our relationship isn’t the best and I explained everything to him he then changed it up and said that never happened and that all he did was just place his hands on my neck and he didn’t press . He then proceeded to tell me to leave the house as I am the one causing problems in the family , he then mentions God and says it is the Christian thing to do to remove me from the family as I have disrespected him by speaking up . I left and haven’t spoken to him he recently sent me a message using God again saying he had a vision and wants me home for Xmas and he is the the man of the house , that I should listen and God had talked to him and If I don’t return then I will face distraction. I declined and said I won’t be coming back. The thing that frustrates me is my African family wants me to be the one to apologize because he is my father . He claims he never told me to leave and that he was giving me a “time out” to go back to my place and think about what I had done by disrespecting him . Denies ever asking me to leave , when he said words like “it’s the Christian thing to do to remove the bad seed from the family so the family can grow and he proceeded to tell me to leave and I did , my brother joined me . Every wrong he does he denies and says it never happened and at the end of the day I end up being blamed for everything as I am the oldest child of the family .
  17. My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved. I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr. I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family
  18. I just recently left a toxic situation a few days ago. Moved most of my things back to my parents house. He was at a friends place, and I've been feeling unsure about our situation for quite some time. We used to have a beautiful, loving relationship. But this year, things went to crap. He lost his job and was on unemployment. He had to spend more time with me than usual. We fought - a lot. There was a lot of name calling, things getting broken, and things getting thrown around. The thing is, we both know and understand that this is not okay and there needs to be a change. We've always said we're gonna try to make things work - but it never seemed to change. While he was at his friends, I messaged him and asked him if he'd be coming home soon, because I feel like we need to have a conversation. He said let's just have it now. So I told him I was unhappy. That I felt disrespected and unappreciated. Was tired of him choosing his friends over me. I didn't want getting drunk to be his main source of entertainment. He agreed that it wasn't right, and that maybe we should stop what we have going on before more get's broken. He apologized and said he doesn't know why our fights escalate so bad. So I moved out. My family helped me and we cleared most of my things out. I told him I don't want to do it but I think it needs to happen. I said we should spend some time apart and there is no denying that I love him and want to be with him. Which he replied with "I hope you know that I love you too." I also said that until he's ready to make changes for me, I think I should leave. He truly is a wonderful person. I worry that he's been battling depression/sense of uncertainty. Recently, he told me that he isn't sure what he wants. Now that I left, it seems like he's more hurt than ever. We had a very good conversation the night I left. I told him that I cared about him, love him, and want him to be happy. He again told me he loves me. He also made sure to let me know that he didn't go to the bar that night - as that is one thing that has been bothering me. The next day, he heads back home. He sees that I took mostly everything, and then he is angry. Says there is nothing to talk about with me and that I left him to dry. (Most of the kitchenware was mine). I told him I didn't know what to do, and maybe I shouldn't have left things like that. I told him I could bring a few things back to get him by. And he stated no I'll just make a list and go shopping. Eventually he calmed down and I apologized for leaving him that way. He told me I shouldn't be the one apologizing. I told him as far as everything that happened in the past - he is forgiven. What's said is said, what's done is done, there's nothing that can change. And that I just want to move forward and make things better. I asked him if I could come over so we could talk, but he said probably not today, I have a lot things I need to do. Which I said ok, how about next weekend? and he said "probably." I guess my question is, do you think we will be able to get through this rough patch? Does it seem like he would be willing to make changes for us? I know for a fact that I need to make some attitude changes, but I already know that I am willing, and I have made most of those changes the last few months. My family and best friends all think we will end up back together. But I would also like to hear other point of views. I don't plan on running back in a week. I plan to spend at least a few weeks away. I'm struggling really bad today as I've been leaving him alone since yesterday. We both said goodnight to each other and haven't heard from him since. I figured I would let him make the first move. On a side note, we've been together for 6 years. This issues just started this year. Can it be reversed?
  19. I will try and make this short. Been with this girl for 14 years. We have a 12 year old daughter. The ex receives a text asking if she’s single from a co worker” asking for a friend” she laughs it off saying who would be interested in me? A few days later she gets all lidded off with me over a YouTube video of a girl in a bikini, which I didn’t watch, it auto played into the next video which was that one. She got mad for days very cold and distant. Then says we need to talk. I knew what was coming. She starts crying and says she doesn’t love me anymore it’s been like that for awhile and she’s been thinking of this for some time now. I was shocked by everything she said. Father day was a few days prior she wrote me a loving card telling me how she loves me and wants us to work things out no matter what, all that stuff. But while she’s sitting there breaking up with me telling me to move out I’m so confused how she loved me a week ago but stopped loving me awhile back. Anyways, I move out while I have no job due to covid and no where to go. So I sleep in my car. A few days later my daughter messaged me says that she found somethings on her moms computer. The ex had been looking up how to please a guy. 🤦 my daughter should be seeing that stuff. I go over and confront her and start throwing out co workers names. She starts laughing. Weird because we know she starts laughing when she gets nervous and put on the spot. Again starts crying so I leave. The next couple of days get worse. My daughter sees her texting quite a bit snd locks her phone and doesn’t let her use her phone anymore. Finds out her mom is buying sexy under wear and lingerie. And caught one day coming out of the bathroom topless after hearing her taking pictures. Most likely sending nudes. My daughter finally confront hers and tells her I know you guys are broken up I know you’re seeing someone else. Her mom told her we were just living desperate so that I get help with schooling, big lie. Even while she’s being confronted she lies and eventually admits to us being broken up and how she kicked me out. She denies talking to someone, so our daughter asks to see her phone and in front of her starts deleting texts messages. After that moment my daughter lost so much respect for her mom. Her mom sent our daughter away with her parents for the summer. I struggled to see her because she removed me from our bank account snd I was struggling finding a job. While she was with her grandparents the ex rarely saw our daughter, I’d push for her to go visit her. Our daughter would call her mom only to find out weeks later that she was being ignored because her mom was out parting getting drunk not going home to sleep. Our daughter was devastated. Her mom neglected her all summer lied to her countless times. And what makes it worse, the grama had and affair and here we are reparations history while the mom sides with the ex and my daughter is pushed aside stuck there with them not carrying that she’s being emotionally abused by her neglecting mother. I struggled so much to find a job but once I did all I could afford were hotels once in awhile so that my daughter could get away from them. Fast forward I now have a place of my own my daughter tried patching things up with her mom( who’s the grownup here) the mom tell her that she doesn’t regret lying to her, because she didn’t want to her our daughters feelings. My daughter can’t believe what her mom is telling her and all hell breaks lose. After trying to reconcile with her mom that neglected her and chose a single life over her and never bothered apologizing. She had enough and ripped up our family picture, they’re cheap prints and we have the digital files so I want bothered. Her mom threatens to send her to her parents again but until she’s 18! So I intervene and pick up my daughter and she’s been living with me ever since.(Oct 28th,2020) a week later it’s our daughter birthday and her mom wishes her such a loveless birthday. “Happy Birthday” the ex is one of the happiest, jolliest prettiest smartest hard working person is ever met. She’s gorgeous and everyone loves her. They say she’s too nice. But if they only knew how she is behind closed doors. Complete opposite, she’ll eat us alive. She messaged me on our daughters birthday saying that she changed the house lock becuse she doesn’t trust our daughter there alone. Great now our daughter waits in the complex clubs houses restroom until I can pick her up after work. She’s in there 4 hours!!! I’m here dealing with our daughters broken heart while her mom is out drinking doing who knows what. So I snap and tell her off and tell her that I’m done talking with her, we don’t need her in our life and I’ve lost respect for her as a mom. Btw she’s a RN Nurse. Her career is based around caring for other and she can’t even care for her own daughter, someone she carried around for 9 months and struggles two days to reliever. I don’t get it. My mom was a single mom and taught us that kids come first. She made that known to any guy she met. Very up front. If I were doing this, my mom would call social service on me and do everything she could to remove my daughter from me. But my ex mom believes your needs come first, and you can buy back their love with expensive gifts and eventually they’ll just forget. Play the victim everyone will come to your aid 🙄 🖕 them both. So because I told her off and told her not to message me. Told her on Nov 24th. She messaged our daughter. Our daughter basically told her off too. Saying she’ll never change and how she’s never apologized. Her mom says I’m sorry for how I made you feel. My 12 year old daughter says, that’s the problem, you never apologize for what you’ve done or regret anything you’ve done, you show no remorse. Her mom then says I’m sorry for what I did, I regret it. Never specified what exactly she’s talking about. My daughter hasn’t replied since. She says, we don’t need her, all we need is each other, I forget she even exist. Hopefully someone with something similar can give me some insight on our situation or just advance in general. There’s days that I feel like I’m going crazy here. We’re completely alone. Even more so with covid. The way my ex has been acting drives me mad sometimes. I don’t get why’d she’s turned so cold. I can get that she lost love for me and met someone during work and left me for him. But to do this to our daughter? She has made a complete 180. Didn’t like going out, drinking, swearing, or having friends or even watching anything with nudity. And now it’s likes anything goes. Forgot to mention. Her mom went 3 weeks without checking in on our daughter. I kept track. So when I told her off I brought that up. So now every Monday on cue she’ll message our daughter saying. How are you? LOL wow. Almost like her way of saying you see I do check in. My ex has turned into a total piece of crap, so toxic. She even says in not available 24/7. Let me know a day in advance to see if I’m available. You’re a mom!!! You’re job is to be available 24/7 for our daughter. My daughter wanted to pick up a sweater from her house, since she changed the locks we had to make an appt because the ex didn’t reply to us for 2 days. I can now officially say that this has been my lowest point ever. Cheated on, homeless, no money, no food, showering at the beach, not sleeping. Losing 40 lbs in 2 months. Seeing my daughter soul being torture and not being able to help her because I have nothing to offer her! I’ve been doing my best with what I have, and we’re in a better place now. Just every once in awhile I get angry and feel like I still don’t get why all this happened and why her mom to this very second is still absent. She’s a completely different person, we have no idea who this person is, but we want nothing to do with her. Sorry for ranting, it actually helped to get this off my chest after not having anyone to talk to.
  20. Just wanted to share my story and get some insight from people here. My bf and I had to break up because of his family's disapproval. Unlike most other stories, the disapproval was not really personal to me. We had been dating many months now, and he's honestly the most compatible partner I have ever met in my life. We align in almost every single way, and in just the first few months, we had reached the sort of levels people usually reach after a year or 2. I've had several relationships in the past, but none of my other exes even come close in terms of compatibility and the love I felt for him. The family's disapproval stems from the fact that he had been cheated on in his past relationships, and they feel he isn't ready for a relationship, nor trust his judgment of character and anyone he meets. He's in his mid-20s mind you (I'm a little older), and very much an adult who should be able to make his own decisions about his life. But they objected so strongly to the fact that he's in a relationship they think he isn't ready for, that they threatened to disown him. Now his family isn't the greatest, they're stubborn and judgmental and have never been a tight nor supportive family unit. They usually don't give a crap about each other's lives, but this one time, they all decided to meddle. He doesn't live with the family btw, but very near to his bro. His bro came around when I was over one day, and he decided to tell the bro he was in a serious relationship and that's when the whole drama started and all other family members were brought in. It honestly pissed me off because they didn't even give us a chance. Not even a chance to try to get to know me before they decided. And the irony of it all is, I have a very strong stance on cheating and unfaithfulness, and I would never even think about cheating on him. He didn't have the mental strength to fight them, because the fear of getting disowned and not having family constantly got to him. Even if they were a crappy family, they were still his family. It did upset me and broke my heart that he didn't fight for even a chance with me, but at the same time, I understand how scary it can be when the threat of being disowned looms over the relationship. We've since decided to stay friends and still talk every day, just without the lovey dovey stuff, but it's been difficult when feelings are so strong. This was the only strategy we could think of to even have a chance of being together in the future. And it's only a chance since we don't know if the family will ever let him live his own life or allow us to get back together. It's only been a few days but I've been bouncing between heartache and apathy. It's not easy for him either, because he does want to be with me and if not for this, we would still be very happy together. I just hate that it's become so uncertain... will we ever be together again, and if not, will I ever meet or love another person so compatible with me? We've decided to wait it out together, as friends, and hope we can eventually be together again. But there seems to be no end in sight at the moment. If anyone has any similar stories to share, and how you coped, or any insight into this, feel free to share.
  21. Hi folks. I'm a newbie - here because I need some outside perspectives with something I'm finding really hard. I was married a few years ago.. no kids or anything, so when we split it was a very clean cut. He's out of my life permanently, and I stepped away from his family and some mutual friends in order to achieve this (which hurt, but it was the right thing for me). I'm free as a bird and although I had to make a few difficult choices along the way, I'm happy with my choices and the space it gives me to pursue something new. I've now met a really lovely man who I adore - but his circumstances are pretty much the exact opposite of mine. This man still lives with his ex - not for financial reasons, or because they can't get out of a lease, or anything like that... it's because they're close, enjoy living together, and have no plans to make any changes to their living arrangement ever. They broke up earlier this year, and his ex started seeing someone new (a female) straight after the split. There's no chance of them getting back together and he keeps reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about and he has no feelings for her... I believe him, but holy hell I'm finding his living arrangements hard to cope with. It's not just the living arrangements either... their lives are intertwined, so they still act like a couple. They'll go out shopping for the day together, looking for new clothes. When they go grocery shopping they do it together. They holiday together and share a tent. They'll meet other couple friends for dinner and sit there as a cozy foursome. She'll visit him at work and bring him a coffee. They still have the same social circle and everyone adores this girl, so there's no aspect of his life that she's not a part of. Half of their friends/family don't even know they've broken up. He gets weird about answering questions given the sensitivity around her now being with a woman - he feels like it's not his news to share, which I do on some level understand. It's just awkward AF when we bump into someone he knows who still thinks he's in a relationship and doesn't understand why he's alone with a different girl. He doesn't correct them, and I've received some pretty dirty looks as a result, which has been zero fun. On one hand I feel like I'm being immature and needy that this bothers me so much, given his assurance that they're never getting back together... but on the other hand this whole thing makes me feel sad and insecure, and like I don't fit anywhere. I feel like I'm his dirty side piece, even though I'm the one he's dating. I feel like there's zero chance of me being able to integrate into his life while things are like this, but I'd never ask him to make changes - it's the kind of decision he needs to make for himself, not for me. I can't challenge their dynamic, because he considers this girl family, when all of his other family are overseas. It makes me feel like a jerk for being so insecure about things. How can I stop feeling like this girl is sitting in my seat? He thinks it would help both her and me if we met, but honestly I think that will just make me feel so much worse. How would you guys feel? Am I being childish and petty and held back by my own insecurities, or is it fair to feel really really uncomfortable with these circumstances? I feel like I can't even ask him 'what did you get up to today?' without feeling hurt by the answer. He's the first person I've had feelings for in years and when it's just us things are really so wonderful... it's just everything outside of the 'us' that sucks. Would you stick with it, or would you run for the hills? Help. Please :(
  22. My partner doesn't help with our child has maybe changed 2 nappies an given her maybe 3 bottles her whole life! tells me what I can an can't do an if I do something he doesn't like he either breaks up with me packs up his clothes an leaves or is very verbally abusive, now moving into the violent type of abusive! He has a highly secretive relationship with his ex (they have children together) I never know when he sees his kids or when he's at her house he lies to me about when they text an call, he keeps all of his belongings at her house an has all of his personal mail sent to her address as apparently my family an I are to untrustworthy (my family isn't allowed at our house an don't know where we live) he doesn't assist me around the house with cleaning or cooking (he doesn't work) he doesn't contribute to rent food or bills he's even run debt up in my name which he's refuses to pay off! He literally never has time for me he wakes up an leaves the house, an gets home late at night. Every time I ask him to spend time with me it's a problem he spends absolutely no time with our child! He breaks my personal belongings when he's mad. He tells me who I can an can't talk to. Even me hanging out at my families place is a problem(he hates my family) he hates my best friend, he's quite the jealous type also I'm not even allowed to go to a pub if he isn't there as some guy might hit on me anytime I go out if there's guys around I'm told I must leave immediately! he has literally isolated me from everyone I know but won't spend time with me himself! So I'm at home 24/7 with the kids doing literally everything on my own. An when I point out these issues I'm the one to blame for everything! I love him an our relationship hasn't always been like this but I'm so upset with everything I'm not sure if it can be fixed or if it's time to move on. I cannot handle the secretive business with his ex an he keeps doing it to me, we are supposed to be together an be a family but he's so busy keeping me seperate from his life he's almost become a stranger!
  23. Hello, im new to this forum and in need of advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years and just last year we decided to move in together. From the start we always had problems but nothing we couldn’t overcome. My partner since the first day became very good friends with my family members and everything was great. My sister and my mom started to notice how much we would argue about small things and they started to wonder if we were ok. Specially since my mom realized how my partner would go out without me every time and she thinks im not being taken serious. After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didn’t want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse. Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much. As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we haven’t had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me. God knows I have tried to fix this but I cannot stand the insults towards the people I love anymore. I feel like i have to choose one side only to be happy. Im stuck and all i can do is cry.
  24. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. She is renting a house and living with her adult daughter and her boyfriend plus her 17 year old son. I have a pretty unconventional lifestyle (vegan, minimalist, organic, no car, etc.) and she expressed a desire to become more environmentally conscious as well. However, her kids were raised pretty standard American and to avoid me feeling too judgemental about the wastefulness, or the kids becoming resentful of me when I am pushing for less wastefulness, we decided to wait to live together on my own property in my own tiny house until her son turns 18 and she will be an empty nester. After having some difficult conversations about this it felt like we were in a good place about it. In the fall of 2019 my partner, let's call her Ruth, who is a trauma therapist, told me that I should meet her client, let's call her Lisa. Lisa had been Ruth's client for more than a decade and Ruth told me that Lisa was the most traumatized person she ever met! Even though Ruth was still Lisa's therapist, they started to hang out together. Ruth and I love going on outdoor adventures and Lisa started to join us on a lot of those trips. At the beginning of covid Lisa was invited to be part of Ruth's family pod, because Lisa didn't have anyone else in town to be close with. Lisa is a therapist herself as well for traumatized kids and Lisa started to hang out at Ruth's house more and more, while I was working my seasonal job with a conflicting work schedule with Ruth's, so Ruth and I didn't have much time together during the work week. I brought up several times that I needed some alone time with Ruth as well and she kept on reassuring me that I was her person and her priority. Ruth also acknowledged that Lisa was too dependent on her and that the dynamic between them wasn't particularly healthy (Lisa has Ruth saved as "mom" in her contacts). I believe that Lisa is completely in love with Ruth and wants to use Ruth as an example of a good human being to model her life after, after all the traumatic experiences she has had. In the meantime Ruth was a bit freaked out at the beginning of covid and decided to buy a handgun for protection. She talked about that with Lisa, but didn't bring it up with me until she had bought the gun already. This was an indication that Lisa was becoming more of a partner to Ruth than me. Because Ruth realized that the situation with Lisa was becoming unethical, she decided to officially stop being Lisa's therapist, although she still counseled Lisa unofficially for at least a couple of hours every week. Ruth was compensated for that by Lisa helping out in the household and buying groceries for the family. Sometime last June Lisa started renting a room in the house, although she still kept her own place too (only because she had a dog there). I slowly became more and more frustrated with feeling like a third wheel in this situation. In July we went with the 3 of us on a backpacking trip. On the drive down small things kept on happening that made me feel more and more excluded, which made me somewhat irritable. This irritability caused an argument on this trip twice, during which I blamed Ruth for something pretty minor. This made her feel attacked and unsafe, mostly because of her own trauma background (she was in an abusive relationship with her ex for 20 years). At night, Ruth checked in with Lisa and they talked privately for a while, after which Ruth came into my tent. We processed the whole night and made some progress, even though I was shocked at some of the things she said to me. For example, she told me that she started drinking more after I once mentioned carefully that she might consider drinking a little less, but she just kept it hidden from me instead. It sounded like she was already not feeling safe with me for quite a while, even though less than a week before the fateful incident she told me that she was very happy to be with somebody who communicates well and is safe. After a night of processing she said she wasn't ready to break up with me yet. However, we had to invite Lisa into the tent and tell her what happened. As soon as Lisa came in she started calling me names right away (shamer, blamer, abuser, domestic violence perpetrator, narcissist and somebody who doesn't care one iota about other people's feelings). When I tried to respond I got shut down with remarks like "you can't claim ignorance as an excuse" and "you don't get to defend yourself, that is what all abusers do to deflect". Even though Ruth had just expressed to me that she wasn't ready to break up with me, she immediately fell in line with Lisa's way of thinking. It felt like an abusive ganging up on me (and that by 2 professional trauma therapists!): I was completely prevented from saying anything in my defense, while I was told in no uncertain terms that I am an incorrigible abuser who is doomed to a life of intense therapy to even have a chance to become a better human being. The conclusion was drawn and there was no space to create any other perspective on the situation than through the lens of trauma prevention and abuse, which means getting rid of me as soon as possible and not uttering another word to me on the long drive home, because suddenly I am not a safe person anymore. I suddenly had become Ruth's abusive ex. The next day I received an email from Ruth stating that I can't contact her in any form, ever. If I do, they would file a restraining order against me. I do believe that this is mostly Lisa's sentiment. Ruth and I seriously never had an argument before this happened and I felt completely solid in the relationship. In June of 2019, Ruth came with me to The Netherlands for a 2.5 week visit at my parent's expense to say goodbye to my dying mother. I felt so supported by her and everybody loved her. She said goodbye to my mother with tears in her eyes and promised my mother she would take care of me. This break up happened in the second half of July. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that 2 such minor incidents caused such a severe punishment. I am still in denial and completely heartbroken. Ruth's brother and his girlfriend did reach out to me about a week after the incident via text and told me they didn't believe that I am an abuser and asked me what happened. I sent them a long email with my explanation of what happened and expressed my concern about Lisa's influence on Ruth. Ruth's mother read that email as well. About a week later I was going to meet in a park with the 3 of them (mother, brother and brother's girlfriend) to talk more about what happened and the dynamic at play between Ruth and Lisa. However, somehow Ruth must have heard about that plan and decided to cut them out of her life as well, after which the family decided to stop communicating with me. Even after all this, I am still completely in love with Ruth and keep on hoping that she will come to realize that she treated me poorly and will want me back. Is this unreasonable, especially given the fact that Lisa and Ruth might now not just be emotional partners, but sexual partners as well? Given the fact that Ruth and Lisa are professional therapists, did they step completely out of line with allowing their relationship to develop like this? If so, do I have an obligation to bring them to the therapists ethics board, even though I have no desire to create more problems in Ruth's life (and I do believe she actually is a good therapist) and I firmly believe that Lisa is not malicious, but just acting from her damage? I feel like I want to force a family intervention, but I guess it is really not my place to do that.
  25. Okay so me and the girl I thought I was going to marry broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were together about a year. She is 20 and I am 24. We met at church and we both have strong Christian values. We have never done anything sexual with each other and didn’t plan on doing so u til marraige. Things started off great. But this damn thing called Covid happened and I was basically out of work for 6 months. I was still getting paid but I was just bored. Long story short I basically became very needy and started for attention and validation. I didn’t have any relationship with my own family and I was living in a state with none of my family there. My ex is going to school full time, has her own t shirt business, and does little jobs on the side. Basically with my neediness I put a lot of emotional baggage on her. The relationship was still going good as I remember in June she told me her whole family thought we were going to stay together forever. We talk on the phone every night as well. In July I noticed her becoming very distant and hot/cold with her behavior. One minute she was great next minute she would show extreme frustration with me (and only me). Finally in August I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us. The Next two weeks were still kind of normal. I cut down my contact with her but she would still invite me over. She would even cook me dinner. We still went out on a date and we even went two a couple of her family functions together. Of coarse me being a dumb when she told me she lost feelings for me my anxiety kicked in and I became even more needy and clingy. I would basically tell her that I’m trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didn’t text me back and I flipped out. This added even more stress on her and she dumped me about 3 weeks later. Now I did the usual begging and pleading the day she broke up with me which made her very cold. She offered to stay as friends but I declined because my feelings are too strong. I went into no contact two days after the break up. After the first week of the breakup I wrote her an accountability letter saying that i take ownership of the things I did wrong (my neediness) I did not talk to her for 14 days I broke no contact and basically tried telling her that I’m trying to change. Which to my credit I am. I have lost 20 pounds, started therapy, begin reading the Bible to become a deacon in my church, back to work 6 days a week, and reconciled with my family. She basically said “I know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stoping that.” She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while (I’m 90% positive when I say I believe she wants to stay single and not date other guys but hey I could be wrong). She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because: A) Three weeks before breaking up she said she saw a future B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly) C) I believe she truly didn’t want the breakup but with my clingy and neediness, I basically forced her too. D) I had a very strong relationship with her family E) She was treating me very well even when she express her doubts Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out. I know right now she is very stressed and I need to give her, her space. What do y’all think? Is th8/ relationship worth saving?
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