BeStrongBeHappy

I think people are just trying to help you avoid getting hurt more in the future by warning you that if there is a big discrepancy in feelings (i.e., you love him after 2 months, and he is saying, ummm, not really, and probably never will), then continuing on with him may not be the healthiest of choices for you. i think you should focus on the fact that he himself is warning you off, basically telling you that he can basically take it or leave it, and doesn't see any long term potential, while you are thinking he is the answer to his prayers. that is not to put down your feelings at all, you feel what you feel, and it would be great if HE felt the same way, but it doesn't sound like he does. so you really need to hear what he is saying, which is that he doesn't feel all that much, and is admitting to you he probably won't ever feel more... all of us deserve someone who loves us in a way that means they will never want to leave us, and certainly won't risk letting us go, as he appears very willing to do at this point because he is in the 'i can take it or leave it' mode... so if you want to spend some more time with him, that is ok, but i'd put some serious checkpoints into the relationship. by that i mean, touch base with him in another month, and see if his feelings towards you have improved. if he's still in the 'take or leave it' mode in another month or two, i'd throw in the towel because then you are just hanging on to someone who might just be with you as a stopgap until he finds another woman he likes better, or one he sees a better longterm potential with. and the more invested you are in him and the relationship, the more that is going to hurt. but if you are willing to take a chance, with your eyes fully open to the fact that he's warned you he's not that into you, then go ahead, but try not to get too hopeful until he's shown you that he really has changed his mind about your long term potential for him.

well, this is a slippery slope. if you are really over her and want to be friends, and both feel that way and only experience positive feelings, but no longing or loss, then that is fine... but the timing with valentine's day may mean she is lonely or nostalgic, or is considering starting things up again. what do you really want from her? i think you need to ask yourself that and when you know the answer, then act accordingly... just be careful not to assume that this is an attempt on her part to get back together, unless you have talked to her and learned that she feels the same way. and ask yourself some hard questions like, what if she doesn't want to get back together? will being friends with her set you back in your healing, prevent you from looking for new people, make you sad whenever you re-experience the fact that you are no longer dating? and how likely is the relationship to be good if you do get together, or just more of the same? and is an attempt at friendship healthy for both of you, or just hanging on to the past because it is familiar? i think if you really look very hard at your own motivation, then hers, you will be more certain of what you need to do... not always the same for everybody, but it is best to try to be fully aware of decisions made at this point, so you don't derail your own healing or make a wrong choice. sometimes people do get back together, but a lot of times it's just more of the same things that broke you up to begin with, and you have to start all over again with the healing if the 'friendship' doesn't work out...

if you are in excruciating pain, you might want to go to a walk in clinic tomorrow morning, or the emergency room tonight... most back trouble is muscular, but you can sometimes herniate a disk, which is a more serious and should not be treated by a chiropractor. i'd get a diagnosis from a doctor, then go to a physical therapist or chiropracter if the doctor thinks it's ok. a doctor or emergency room can also prescribe muscle relaxants and much stronger pain medicine than you can get at the drugstore... most over the counter drugs just aren't strong enough for serious back spasms or a herniated disk, but you can double up your dosage of Advil (but don't exceed the overall daily recommended amount in 24 hours, and only until you get to the doctor tomorrow a.m.). but i suggest going to the ER now if you can't sleep or function. if it is a really bad back spasm, they tend to get worse, and the longer you go untreated with muscle relaxants, the worse they can get, and stay worse longer too. most doctors do NOT prescribe back surgery now unless it is really necessary... and even a herniated disk can usually be treated with physical therapy. sorry to hear you are in such pain... i have been there, and better to go to the doctor and get the medication you need ASAP. physical therapy helped a ton too, i was really a lot better after even the first visit...

are you worried about the difference in height, or are you saying you think he is too fat for you? if you are attracted to him on more than a superficial level, then neither should matter... but if you are more worried about what other people think about him a bit overweight (and not really that much), then do him a favor and don't go out with him again... he doesn't need to be with someone who is ashamed of him or embarrassed to be seen with him because he is not whippet thin. he needs to be with someone who thinks he's great as he is and is interested in more than just his looks... when you really care about someone, you have the opposite reaction of the one you are having now, i.e., you would get angry that anyone else would criticize someone you care about, and you don't spend time worrying about your looks together, or what other people think.

When there is an abrupt change in a sexual relationship, something is very wrong somewhere... either a health problem, or she has made some decision in her head she is not sharing with you. she may have started to realize that you are a rebound relationship if she was not really over her ex, and might be turning off to you because she is not sure that the relationship will last, either because you keep dumping her, or because she is deciding to leave and just hasn't clued you into that yet because she is not sure. i think you need to talk to her openly whether she is having second thoughts about the wisdom of your relationship... if she is no longer into you or the relationship, then it is better for the both of you to make the hard decision and move on.

First, i think you need someone who will stick by you no matter what, and be understanding of a problem and try to work on it with you. but he does not seem to want that. And people do break up for all kinds of reasons, and his reason for leaving may not be your depression. He is young, and maybe he has decided he just wants to be free and not in a relationship, he may have made that decision if freedom is what he wants. I think you really have to go about the business of getting yourself better as your first priority, not trying to get him back. your own health is so important, and if he is being callous and uncaring, you need to surround yourself with people who will buoy you up, not make you feel badly. Please continue with getting your treatment and recognize that regardless of what you do, he may not want to be in a relationship, and your depression is probably not the cause of that, just something he wants for himself. If he does get out on his own without you, maybe he will realize he misses you, but don't focus on that, focus on getting well.

i would check with your school's guidance/career office. there are several good online career tests/inventories you can take, that ask a lot of questions about your personal interests, personality, preferences, etc., then it does an analysis and comes up with a list of careers that might fit well with you. i think lots of people get hooked on video games, but they are entertainment, and sometimes, a distraction that fills time but doesn't really get you anywhere. you also might not have motivation now because you don't have to... i.e., your life is filled with school and entertainment, and you don't have the financial obligation (pressure?) of taking a fullltime job yet. so it is better to make it a reasoned choice soon rather than a last minute decision, so good that you are thinking about it now. also do research on what careers pay, how many jobs are available for that career, and where you would have to work to be in that career. there are lots of decisions involved in this, but i would suggest that you research everything, including where you want to live, what money you need to make to be happy, etc. also keep in mind that people these days have 'serial' careers, i.e., they are very likely to totally change careers 3 or 4 times in their lives, so you are not permanently locked into anything you choose, but if you choose wisely, you will not be forced to make a change becuase you hate the job, or don't make enough to support a lifestyle you want, or work too many hours int he profession, etc.

yes, i think he is trying to be diplomatic and give you a heads up that it is time for you to look elsewhere. it is very common when new people come in that they want their own team, where they have selected their own choices to fill roles. so you can be doing a great job, but the new managers in your grup just want to put a stamp on their own organization by choosing who they want working under them, rather than 'inheriting' someone from the prior team. so i wouldn't take it personally, just something that happens in the workplace pretty frequently (and will most likely happen again in your career). so take advantage of his offer to give you a good reference, and go find a new opportunity! best of luck!

i am so sorry... a breakup is a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and sometimes it takes a while and a few ups and downs before you can really see what is going on... actually very rude of her and your friend to flirt so openly in front of you, but it may be their way of letting you know what is really going on (i.e., they are getting ready to go more public with their situation). people are sometimes cowards and don't want to have the talk to break the bad news to you, so they just show you what is up and let you deal with it yourself. very cruel, considering both were supposed to be close to you. but anyway, you need better friends than them, so please try to exit this situation as best you can so that you are not continually hurt and can heal yourself. If they were decent people, they would have given you a heads up so that it was less of a shock to you.

it is sad, but it sounds like he wants to be broken up, and doesn't really want much contact now, even as friends, or he would be being nicer about it, and not rude. it is almost like he is trying to drive you away from him... so it is really hard, but i think you will only have more pain if you try to stay in contact now when he doesn't want to. better to pull back and away from him and his friends, and just heal yourself. if he changes his mind and wants to talk to you, he will call you, but right now it just sounds like he doesn't want that. you might be able to be friends, but not until both of you are over the breakup and have moved on.

i dunno, this guy sounds like a really bad prospect for a husband. you're not even married yet, and he's talking about wanting a woman with bigger hooters. kind of anti-classy in my book, and definitely doesn't sound like sleazeball is on your list of perfect men. i think you have to slow down for a minute and look at your list of what you want. some of those things are something that anybody can learn to do/be, i.e., learn medical terminology, learn how to shoot a gun, etc. but the things to do with character are almost never learned, and are ingrained in a person by the time they are 8 years old and they don't ever change. according to you, this guy is really rude, volatile, changes his mind all the time, says nasty things to you, etc. etc. that is not gonna change, and no marriage certificate is gonna make that better, usually only makes them worse. so please don't assume that marrying him (and quickly) will 'fix' him or anything wrong with this relationship. i think you already know the answer (time to move on and find someone who isn't so crass and rude/mean to you, who has better character than this guy does).

i think people are looking for a magic elixir one way or another to end their pain when they break up, but there is no one way that is exactly right for everyone. the point of NC is to allow yourself time away from someone to heal and get perspective. but if you feel there is 'unfinished business' and you did not get the closure you need, then you need to do what it takes to keep you sane. but plenty of people just use contact as a way of avoiding the reality that the relationship is over, and just extend their pain and fantasies about getting back together when there is no hope of that. contact just extends their time in limbo, and prevents them from getting on with their lives and finding new love and happiness. but people with children or other shared issues (working together etc.) are required to see each other at specific times, so NC is not realistic for them. so the challenge is to try to find a way to accept a breakup when there is really no hope left, or when the relationship is wrong or bad for you or the other person. that is when NC can be helpful, because you don't continue to feed the fire of false hopes and obsession via contact.

on the one hand, you are saying he is the one who is depressed, but then you are saying that it would be nice if he sent YOU a birthday message. are you trying to help him, or get some kind of formal acknowledgment from him that you still matter to him? and why involve your sister? she could tell him to send a text, so he sends a text, but what does that text mean? he loves you, he likes you, he is guilted into it by your sister? you won't know if you pursue it this way, it would just be an empty gesture. really, the best thing is to look at your own motivation and decide what to do accordingly. do you want to get back with him? if so contact him... do you want to comfort him in his depression, then contact him, but only if you are willing to really be his friend, and not if you have no intentions of getting back with him, or will just get his hopes up.

ah, there is that silly thing called love (or at least infatuation) that keeps us hooked into people who are wrong for us. and lack of self esteem, or learned behavior where it doesn't occur to someone to demand better treatment or walk. we humans don't like to be alone and have a strong desire to 'mate' too, so it is hard to walk away from someone we are attached to. and plenty of people are afraid to be alone period, so they will accept something bad rather than nothing at all. so it is a combination of learning and personal growth and building hope and self esteem that makes people strong enough to walk away from bad treatment. sometimes it takes a while though, so i never see anyone struggling with a breakup as a fool or stupid, just not strong enough yet to stand up for their own happiness and health, though most people do find their way out, and learn over time to tolerate less and less bad behavior before recognize a losing situation and getting out...

Two wrongs don't make a right, so a 'sideline' relationship for you won't fix anything in this relaltionship, just an attempt to strike back at him because he has hurt you, and will feel hollow once you have done it. You say it yourself: 'I can't go on living like this.' I think that is the very reasonable smart part of yourself recognizing that he is not boyfriend material, and you need to get out. At a minimum, he is a very actively promiscuous man who is in a phase where he wants to have sex with lots of people and not really be accountable to anyone. That does not a good boyfriend make... so i think you need to trust your instincts and stop trying to make a 'relationship' with someone who wants to be a social butterfly and have sex with everyone. it really sounds like you want someone who is more of a partner, and this guy doesn't want to be anyone's partner.

Well, if she dumped you, there is always the possibility that she regrets it, or got really attached to you, and keeping in contact with you, even by reading your blog, makes her feel better or less guilty... even dumpers have doubts and second thoughts and do get quite attached to exes, even if they know the relationship is not right, they may be emotionally involved enough they have trouble letting go...

what do you mean 'wrong'? since you are an adult, you can do what you want, but i think you have to look at it as potentially heartbreaking for you. do you want to get back with him? and how will you feel if you sleep with him, then he ignores you, or you see him on a date with someone else, or hear him talking about wanting to date someone else or be with someone else. you might be doing it out of feelings and a desire to get back together, but he is just looking at it as easy free sex until he finds another girlfriend, then he will cut you off. so make sure you understand your own motivation before you get involved in sex with an ex.

One fundamental principle about work environments is that organizations HATE dealing with their workers emotional and personal issues, and resent the interference of anything that gets in the way of work. So it might be totally unfair, but a reality that if your own boss was causing any form of waves due to his emotional affair, other people talking or gossiping about it, or allegations of favoritism, harassment, etc., the company and its management will not want to touch it with a ten foot pole, and will frequently ENCOURAGE freezing someone who is behaving in a way that is causing talk and problems, such as emotional affairs at work... it really is not professional behavior, and if your boss was in a management position, they may have firm legal grounds on which to force him out... So by going up the ladder to defend someone, especially someone who has already quit, and whose own personal behavior was not impeccable, you are only shooting yourself in the foot, and showing that you are taking your own focus off work and getting involved for personal, emotional reasons. It's great that you have a friend and want to defend him, but really, if he has been engaging in questionable personal behavior at work, regardless of how people above him reacted to it, one cannot always separate work performance from personal behavior, so they may also see him as a liability to the company because of upheaval he has caused, and hence view your defense of him as yet another sign that what is going on has distracted people from work, and you are distracted from work because you feel the need to defend someone who has quit and was considered a problem. if the work environment where you are is making you unhappy, and you don't like the management or are getting bad reviews, there is no point continuing there yourself and you should look for other work when it is convenient and appropriate for you (after you have had your baby and are ready to work again). Maybe your boss who resigned can help you get a job where he is going?

I think another big wedge in the relationship might be how religious she is versus how religious you are, virginity is just part of that. you need to decide if this is someone you might want to marry, and start having lots of discussions about her expectations for how you will behave as a couple once married. i.e., church attendance, how many children, private christian education for the kids, will be expect to stay home rather than work, no drinking allowed, etc. etc. also, what type of sexual activities will be allowed, and which will she not participate in because of her religious beliefs? so first see if you total future lifestyle will be compatible, then consider the virginity issue. if you don't want to live the way she does, then i think it best to break it off now so she can find someone who believes the same, and you can too. you also run the risk of waiting another year, and she says she wants to wait another year, etc. etc. and would you actually marry her without having sex if she refuses to unless she is married? for some people, sexuality is very important to them and a relationship, and other people can take it or leave it, or not like it at all. if you do think sex is very important for you, it is risky marrying someone whose comptability in that area is an unknown.

Is there a chance that your wife has a mental condition (like bi-polar disorder) that could lead her to do these things? she says she is on prozac, and sometimes people with mental conditions can do things when manic (or slightly manic) like you have been describing. being manic doesn't necessarily mean being 'up' like people think, it can involve people not being their normal selves, exercising bad judgments, engaging in addictions, sexual behavior etc. they can do things that they would never consider doing when not in the manic phase, so my suggestion would be to get her first evaluated by not just a doctor, but a therapist, especially if this is taking on the quality of being an addiction. second, some posters are suggesting you push her out of your life to 'save' your children. in all likelihood, the reverse could be true, in that she gets custody of the children, depending on their ages, nor is infidelity legal grounds to deprive children of their mother. yes, the father can get custody, but to try to drive a mother out of her children's lives for the sake of religious ideals is probably not possible, nor advisable for her or the children's longterm mental health. please consider marriage counseling and make sure that this is not a phase in a larger mental problem she has. if she is bi-polar, then treatment is what she needs and you deserve to support her, at least until you are sure that you do not want the marriage, or that she is really on such a different path that there is no other alternative to separating. but i definitely don't suggest 'joining' her in something that your own values don't agree with... that will solve nothing, and only make you feel distant from both her and your true self.

I think it is normal to feel attractions, but if your relationship is important to you, i would suggest that if you feel that way about any one person, it is better to minimize contact, even if it is innocent, because the fantasy can get out of hand and lead to a devastating affair that causes a breakup. willpower is stronger some times than others, and when drinking etc. is involved, it is best to err on the side of caution and not indulge long conversations etc. with someone who brings out the 'animal' (i.e., instinctual attraction) in you.

It sounds to me like this is really a self esteem issue for him... i.e., he not only is angry with her, but angry with himself for how he responded to the breakup when it first happened. that is, he feels he needs to reclaim the power within himself that he lost during this breakup. there can be a huge therapeutic value to getting closure on a relationship, or saying everything that needs to be said, and reclaiming a sense of self esteem lost in a breakup. but sometimes it is impossible to get that sense of closure, no matter how many times we return to the source to try to get it. if his true motivation is to get a sense of closure, like he has said everything he was afraid to say for the last 18 months (but that he obviously should have said a long time ago), it could help him feel like he has tied up loose ends and can move on with his life. and sometimes hearing her response, whatever it is, can be healing. if she acknowledges she behaved badly and apologizes, he can feel that closure, or if she responds badly and berates him, he may have one of those 'aha' moments, when he finally realizes she is not what he needs or wants... i think the downside in talking to her is encountered if he doesn't understand his true motivation, and he is looking for a particular response from her, and will be upset if he doesn't get it. the best way to get this kind of thing off his chest, if he truly doesn't want/need a response, is to send a letter or email, where he has time to compose exactly what he wants to say, send it off, and be done. i see nothing wrong with that, if he truly doesn't want/expect a response and just wants to unburden himself. but if he sends a crazy, bitter, angry, or over the top letter after 18 months, he runs the risk of her thinking him a stalker, so he has to be careful what he puts into print. so i would encourage him to tell YOU exactly what he is thinking of saying, and try to steer him in the direction of not being vicious, nitpicking, profane, etc., anything that might reflect badly on him in terms of looking like he is harassing her. if he is just stating his opinions and it is not a deeply personal attack on her, then i think he is an adult and should decide whether the value of unburdening himself is more important to him than just swallowing his feelings. but if he looks like he is just continuing to scratch his mad spot over being dumped, or intends to verbally lambast her in a way that could be harmful to her or himself, then i would definitely discourage him. but then, i am a person who would rather try to get closure with a person, for my own peace of mind, and break it off cleanly for a fresh start, but i also don't believe in dumping a bunch of blame or anger on someone else to feel better about myself. i would try to determine which of those he is trying to do, and if it is just dumping blame or rage, i would discourage him, but seeking to get closure and a fresh start, then i'd say tell him to have at it.

it sounds like she was never over her ex before you, and maybe still is not over him. is there a chance she got back with him, or is trying to get back with him. if she is hung up on someone else, she may have realized that she did not have the right feelings she should for you. and maybe she is waiting to see if she can forget him, but until then doesn't want to be involved with anyone else. but you have to decide whether see her and communicating with her is too painful for you, or makes you angry. it might be better to stop contact with her for a while, and tell her that if she changes her mind and does want to date you, then she can call you. otherwise you might just end up being her friend to hold onto while she still pines for her ex and hopes she gets him back. that is not good for or fair to you to be with someone who is rejecting you and wants someone else.

people change a lot from teenager years to becoming adults... and i can honestly say there is no future with a liar, because liars by default are self centered and don't care about other people, just manipulating reality to make sure their own lives are arranged in a way that makes them happy.... you could be the sweetest woman on the planet, but if he wants to find a reason to roam and pursue other women he will, and most likely lie about it to cover his tracks. so really look at your life now, and don't consider how much times you have 'invested' in it because it is not relevant. is this a person you can trust, and whom you believe, or is he someone who is trying to manipulate you to his own advantage?

ummm.... sounds like a convenient reason to continue an affair and make himself look noble... really, the WORST thing you can do mentally for a woman with lots of problems is get her involved in an affair with a married man with 6 kids! what was your husband thinking, other than justifying REALLY poor behavior on his own part. get this poor other woman a bunch of contact numbers for people who can REALLY help her, not some guy taking advantage of her AND YOU by claiming he is 'helping' her. then tell him to cut all contact, and haul him off to marriage counseling to discuss this... really inappropriate behavior on his part, and you are being naive if you think his behavior is anything other than beastly... i don't mean to be mean about that, but continued contact between them will only make the woman feel worse and not get real help, and will just lead to larger breaches in your own marriage.