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  1. I know that everyone is different and what may be forgivable to one may not be forgivable to the another, But I am curious what things do you think are forgivable (whether that forgiveness comes right away or takes time) or is just so bad that no time can mend the wound, I recently lost a friend, I lost her for basically two reasons I overdid it and sent two many messages and texts and she blocked me, That may or may not be unforgivable, What I do think is unforgivable however is what I did AFTER that I was desperate to move on but I just had to make sure she at least saw a letter I wrote so I opened up an old facebook I closed and posted it on her wall (I said nothing bad but that does not matter) and she and I no longer speak to me. I did walk up to her after 3 weeks of no talking and told her that I am sorry (Nothing else I was afraid I would take away from the apology and I said I know you never want to speak to me again and I will leave you alone.(The next day something weird happened because she smiled at me and I awkwardly smiled back but said nothing and I am going to keep my promise and leave her alone; BUT MY STORY WHICH I POSTED ELSEWHERE IS DONE I used what happened to me (Well more to the point what I did wrong) as an example of things that are forgivable and not forgivable. So What DO YOU think is forgivable and what is not? Have a great day
  2. Hi all, How can I move forward from this? Has anyone gone through something similar - do depressed people come back to you if they get their head straight? My boyfriend left me recently. He has been through a lot of trauma in life, and I always knew that his self esteem was extremely low and that he had that type of personality where he didn’t feel like he deserved help or support from anyone. He tried his hardest to open up to me, and he did open up a lot, but I could also tell he was holding back a lot and putting on a brave face. He was always used to facing life alone. Lately life has been beating him up, and he started to get really depressed. He said it wasn’t fair to me anymore because he can’t give me 100% in the relationship. He said he can’t even think straight lately and he needs to heal himself and work on getting himself on stable ground. Of course I asked him to stay, that I would be there for him through anything and that I loved him dearly. I told him we could face this together and I would be by his side. But he told me he can’t focus on both the relationship and working on himself. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. This man is the love of my life. Despite feeling down on himself most of the time, he has never shown me anything except unconditional love, unconditional support, and unconditional understanding. He knew me better than I know myself. He always knew exactly what I needed. We have such a deep love and respect for each other. The connection we have is something people talk about in the movies. No one could make me laugh like him. We both said that all of the crap life has thrown at us in the past was worth it to find the other. He just left the home we shared together after picking up the last of his stuff. We both cried and he stood in the doorway for nearly an hour because neither one of us wanted to say goodbye. He said he hopes once he gets his head straight that we can rekindle, but right now he said he can’t even imagine what tomorrow looks like and he can’t promise me anything. He said it’s too hard to talk to me, and asked that I not reach out to him for now. He did promise however that he would see a therapist. Right now he is staying with his mother until he can find his own place and he has promised me that he is not suicidal or anything. My heart is so shattered and I don’t really know what to do. I feel as though I will always be waiting for him, but he doesn’t know if that will ever happen. I’m worried that he won’t actually see a therapist because he has a habit of avoiding things that will actually help him - he doesn’t believe he is worthy of it as depression really messes with a person’s self-worth. And now I have no way of knowing if he actually makes the appointment or not. Why does life have to suck so much? Thank you for listening.
  3. Hello all. 36 yo guy here. I've been seeing another bi guy for 3 years. The last few weeks he started seeing this girl and i quickly felt him phasing me out. He promised he would not phase me out. We've been going over this for a week. This morning i confessed my deep seated fear that every guy i know will eventually choose a girl over me, but that I was trusting him because he promised me i wasn't being replaced. He invited me over today, and his new girl showed up. He told me to leave so he could spend the night with her. He literally chose someone else right in front of me. After 3 years. After everything we went over, after all the promises he made this week. My heart is totally broken. That was the most i've ever been disrespected by anyone, especially by my best friend. I am living in his spare condo. I told him that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I sent him a bunch of messages when it first went down, which he read but hasn't replied to. I know the only option here is no contact. I know there is no point trying to go back to him, anything he says from here on will just burn me. I deserve someone who won't treat me like this. And i know how effective No contact has ... eventually.. been for me in the past. I'm here because i need help. NC is one of the hardest things, and especially with this situation because my life has grown entwined with his. This is going to be a painful month as i find a new place to live, a painful week as I start dealing with the fallout of last night, a painful day as I start to cope with the new reality and struggle to stop messaging him if he doesnt reach out after all that, or struggle to not reply if he does. I feel weak today. Please help support me. December 1st. 2020 Day 1. This is going to be so hard.
  4. Hi everyone. My ex (23 M) and I (21 F) have had serious issues in our relationship that never seemed to be making any progress and for that reason I dumped him and we have been broken up for over a month now. I have posted on this forum about our issues before, so little back story: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561671 Tl;dr version: I hooked up with someone a few times during the “talking stage” with my ex. He found out a few months later when we became a couple and has verbally/emotionally abused me for more than half a year over the same issue. Fast forward to now, we are still broken up but have kept contact and remained friends since we have a 4 hour long class together at school and are in the same lab group. He has been trying for a month to get back with me and has taken steps to change. In the first few weeks there were A LOT of begging, pleading, telling me he needs me, blowing up my phone with apologies, waiting outside my house for me to come out and talk to him, leaving voicemails of him crying and apologizing...he has now stopped most of this behavior after starting therapy which I am very proud of him for doing. I’ve just been having a really hard time dealing with all of this and my feelings for him. I don’t miss him terribly. I still love him, just not as much as I did before. Some days I want to take him back and other days I don’t. I don’t know if I miss him or just the familiarity of our relationship. I know a lot of advice columns online talk about narcissistic abusers, or those who are ill-willed and manipulate to gain control and power over the victim. But I don't believe my ex is like that... and this is making me second guess. I think he is just an emotionally troubled guy with insecurities and a rough childhood. His dad is an alcoholic and can be abusive when intoxicated. He really wants me to give him one last chance chance to show me that he’s changed, that he’s trying, that things will be different this time because he got to experience what it’s like to really lose me (I was unresponsive and unreachable for a while, also started seeing other people and he knows this). He’s expressed a lot of remorse and told me he’s very ashamed over how he treated me. He told me his issue was that he didn’t know how to forgive and that his therapist gave him a worksheet to fill out that helped him immensely, but I don’t know... Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.
  5. Me and my bf have been together for 5 years. He is a reay great guy and loves me a lot.He cheated on me once with my close friend where they exchanged texts for a few months... But he felt v.guilty came clean to me... After lots of fights and time... I forgave him... Its been 4 years now and he has always been extremely truthful and goes out of the way to make me happy... But two days ago he has a beer. He promised he will never consume alcohol and even if he did,he would tell me...He dint tell me and told mr only because he got sick. I feel so betrayed again... He said he was forced to take at his work... I m v.scared and hurt that he lied to me. He says he has been building the courage to tell me for 2 days.But it really makes me sad and i love him so much and i know he regrets it. but i m finding it hard to accept it. What to do?
  6. hello, i'm [21] and she's [23] We've been dating for 3 years, we've always loved each other and been happy together. My gf however has depression and struggles with insecurity, low self-esteem. I try to be as positive as I can when I'm around her. ​ Recently she got a fulltime job and is training away for 2 months. The first 3 weeks she kept telling me she's lonely and isn't making any friends and during that time I tried my best to talk to her constantly through text, calls, etc... ​ On the 4th week suddenly she made new friends and started texting me significantly less (We text each other lots throughout the day typically). Throughout the week I tried my best to reach out to her and express the fact that communication suddenly went down the drain between us. Despite this I wasn't getting a lot of responses. During that weekend, I threw a tantrum and wanted a "break" which is very childish of me, I admit I shouldn't have done it. All I wanted was clear communication and I couldn't get it after a week of trying which is why I did it. Everytime I reached out she would say its because she's busy and always go out with her new friends/coworkers. To my knowledge she goes out and drink almost everyday during this time. We usually call each other every night before sleeping and now I don't even get that plus any text. The times she'd pick up my phone she'd be with friends either at a bar drunk out of her mind, or in a room with her 2 guy friends that she doesn't even tell me anything about. She insists on letting her be so she can grow herself withint the next 2 months and she promise when she gets back it'll be better. ​ The morning after I called her and and we started talking and I get to state my side of the story and asked for reasons why communication suddenly got super sucky and asked for us to get back. We finally had our clear talk. Her reasoning for all of this was that she's busy and has no time for me. According to her friends, she needs to be on her own so she can grow and fix her insecurity and what not. As we got talking I found out she's been smoking cigs and weed + drinking almost everynight, and because she doesn't want me to scold her she decided to hide them all from me. I felt like it was a huge blow and got kinda mad and went away for 5 minutes. Finding out she hide things from me is a big no no, but then smoking blunts here and there isn't a big deal to me so I let it go. Still felt kinda ty that she hid things from me. Through all of this all I wanted was like some assurance that communication will be improved and what not but she kept insisting that she wants to be on her own for 2 months so our relationship can be better. ??? ​ She apologized for communication issues and I apologized for throwing a tantrum. I was promised a 10 mins call every day at least, she we can update each other on what we're on but things are still bumpy. Since then its been 3 days, 2 of those days when I got the promised 10 minutes were when she's in public/with her friends and she always have a ty mood talking to me, saying things like "oh yea im just so busy and tired, dont wanna be too focused on phone when i'm w my friends" and i'd end the call within 5 minutes because why the would I stay in a call when you can't even put all your attention on me as promised. Basically communication is better, still significantly different from before though. ​ I've also addressed that I'd want her to stop smoking and drinking everynight to the point where I rarely even get her presence when she's sober, but she kept saying like it's okay, it's fun, it helps me through the stress and all that. As farr as I know she's also puked a couple of times last week from drinking too much already. ​ Should I end things here? From the fact that she hid things from me, continues to engage in self-destructive behavior, refusing to listen to anything I say. I can provide more infos if needed. What's your take?
  7. Long story short: We have been together for two years and a half. I met him when I moved to Bologna, Italy from Seattle. First year in Bologna, second year in Milan since the art school in Bologna never picked up my call (it's normal there). I chose Milan to stay closer to him instead of New York. He has never talked about moving to Milan when I was there, and 1.5 years later, my residential permit was expired, he didn't want to help me and go with the idea of marriage, so I left. Before my departure, he made a promise that he would find a way to move to the States to be with me since he realized he has made a mistake not to help me to stay. I had my doubts, if he didn't even want to move to Milan, why would he move to America, but I tried to believe him--turned out I was right. I have been back for 4 months now and I am in the process of moving to New York. He has finally realized it's impossible to obtain a status here through employment, so we also discussed the option of marriage. Just last week, he said 'I wanted to come to New York to be with you, but I have changed my mind, I am sorry. I still want to stay with you, if you come back to Italy, we can get marry.' I was furious. He further explained: 1. he has realized it took him 5 years with a lot of struggles to be where he is today, which is a 2000 euro job as an export manager with international business, and if he leaves, it will be very difficult to find a job like that again. 2. He worries about not being able to find a similar job in New York but to work in an italian restaurant. 3. He wants to use his social network to do business in Bologna, but in 2 years 4. he pointed out how I haven't established much in Seattle or in New York, so it's easier to move me around than to ask him to give up what he has achieved. I know two things I can do in italy now, retail job and becoming a housewife. My goal is to stay in New York with a part time job and develop my online tea business for a year or two, then I would like to turn the retail business to wholesale, however, I know I can't do an online business in Italy since the shopping culture is simply different and Italy has one of the most complicated bureaucratic systems in the world. I am resentful towards him and myself now. I can't believe after everything we have been through, he will not even give away a year or two to come out of Italy and support what I would like to do here, temporarily. I would love to move back to Italy one day, but not now. I understand maybe his fear to lose what he has in Bologna is greater than losing me or our relationship, and maybe to some people it's an act of protecting themselves, but is it if he really means it when he says he loves me more than anything? Or maybe we are simply in different places now and different life stage even though we are only 5 years apart. I have been feeling betrayed because of the way he broke his promise, and I have been thinking about break up.
  8. My so and I dated around 1 year before going long distance. I moved to another state for my job for about 4 years. Until now, we have date a total of 2 years: 1 local and 1 ldr. We didnt really discussed about ldr before I go since we didin’t know what we wanted at that time. However, we both gave our relationship a chance. Ldr was extremely hard. While I felt okay doing that, he constantly felt lonely and sad. I once suggested he could go out for hook up if he wanted because he has high sex drive. We broke up about 3 months in our ldr. At that point, i have already booked the ticket back to see him, and saw him anyways. Since that break up, He came to visit me once and I fly back pretty much every month to spend time with him and stay at his place. When we were together, we were like couple, and started the “i love u” during that period. However, we only texted once a week or so when we were further apart. We never talked about our relationship and being exclusive. I dated somebody in the beginning of the break up but stopped shortly after that because I respect him. I dont wanna be back in a official relationship with him again since I am scared that we just gonna break up again. Recently, I asked him can he fly to visit me once and he said he doesn’t know yet. He said he doesnt wanna make any promises because he doesnt wanna break it. He said he is happy when I am back but cannot promise me anything. If he mets any girl that he likes, he would chose that girl. I told him that he is so selfish but he justified himself saying that I should put myself in his shoes. He spent his whole life being single and another 3 years ldr is kinda too long to him to sacrify. I really love him and do not know what to do now. He told me he would be with me again or even consider marry me if we could make it through another 3 years. Should I make more effort to see him?
  9. Hi everyone, Need some help with this. What are your views on this? Need some dissection. Burning slow because I let it go; the unselfish darkness devours me within; for a promise 'not to come back', my pain paints pictures...
  10. My story is about long distance relationship (LDR) start from i've been oversea (travel alone). And I met this guy on the street and he came to talk to me. Then, he took me to many places and he is really polite and romantic person (make me feel like I'm a princess) like he bought necklace with his name and gave to me to remember him when we apart, gave me rose, asked DJ to sang a song for me, we always hold hands. He asked to spent overnight with me, but I refused (we kissed and hugs). On the last day, I saw he was crying and he told me that our relationship won't end here. So, I gave him my email and phone number. (I haven't saw his mobile phone during he was with me). After 1 month, he called me back and said that he missed me so much. We chat and video call every day around a month after that. We talked about our future, relationship and always romantic (we promise to share eveeything, no liar, honest). But the problem happen after he started to build restaurant business. He said that he was very very busy to take care of his business. After that I feel like we were starting apart slowly. I asked him around 2-3 times in a week that what's happen?, new girl? and please said the truth. He said that he just tired and I'm always in his heart (for a last week, we just talked like couple conversation per day). Then, the last day that I asked him, he said that give me some time, sweetie. I said ok.....our last conversation around 5-6 days ago. Well, I'm really not sure that what does he mean? Should I contact him back or wait for him to contact me back? Thank you Hello world :)
  11. I don't know about you. I kind of have this other reality in my mind where the jerk in my life figure this crap out. And it all works out. I promised myself today that I'd start erasing Plan B. It might suck and it's hard. But it's like that side of the story is on a chalkboard and I see myself erasing that. Life is only made up of time and you can't go back. You can only go forward and write plan A. It's the part of the plan where you're sensible. then you make good choices going forward. Your choices are for you. And what's best for you.
  12. I've been dating a man since November of last year. We hit it off he would always want to see me and call and talk to me. Now, he still calls me but always finds a way to have to hang up and he'll always say he'll call me right back but he sometimes doesn't. He also makes empty promises saying he's going to see me later but later never comes. I asked him was he losing interest he said no and he's been preoccupied with some personal issues. I'm just not so sure. Am I making things up in my head? Overthinking is detrimental to relationship I know because he even said that I hold on to a negative thought and won't let it go. I'm just so worried he's losing interest in me. I don't seem like I'm important to him anymore. It just hurts I feel like maybe I'm just overreacting but then again I feel like he just isn't interested idk I just feel so mixed up inside my emotions are just so intense I just want to burst into tears. I don't want to keep bringing it up to him because I don't want him to get annoyed at The fact that I keep asking. Idk what to do. I feel so stupid.
  13. So my ex and I (she is 25, I am 32) have been out of contact for almost a full year after being together for 3 years.. There were things i used to do when we were together that used to irritate her like playing too much xbox and betting on sports daily (it wasnt a large amount of money, maybe 10 bucks a day).. but since we have been apart, i have severely limited my xbox time (barely play anymore) and gambling to one or two days a week. I have made drastic changes to my lifestyle too and am much more confident and composed then I ever have been. Anyway, We had a bit of a messy breakup, and she ended up dating someone pretty much right away afterwards (she called it a rebound). I dated a couple of girls for a short time, had rebound sex with them, and then realized after a short time of hanging out with these girls that we were not compatible. I had a seriously hard time moving on from the relationship because i cared so much about her and it hurt me to much to watch her jump in bed with another guy right away. Anyway, long story short, I was on tinder a couple weeks ago, and do what i usually do, swipe right and see who i match with, without looking at pictures or profiles. Well low and behold, i match with a girl that was her name and age, but her picture was just of the outside of an airplane window. I messaged hey how are you, and a couple days later, got a response. After a few messages back and forth, i began to realize that this was my ex, and when i asked, she admitted it. We talked for a bit on tinder, and then agreed to text offline. So we started texting, everything going fine, playing it cool, just catching up, when I had the idea of us possibly meeting up. I expected her to turn it down, but she agreed. So we went out one night just driving around in my car, got a coffee and shooting the $**t. What was supposed to be a one or two hour meeting turned into 6.. we were having fun, enjoying each others company, reminiscing on old times and bringing up some old inside jokes. Well, we kept talking, and kept hanging out every single day, going on random dates, going out for drinks and dinner, going to the movies, bowling, fun stuff I didnt used to do with her because of low finances (which is not a problem anymore as I have a good job making close to 100k per year). One of the nights we went to dinner, she mentioned she was moving back home (we moved away from home across the country together before we broke up).. it was funny how that worked, because the job I have now allows me to fly home for two weeks off, and work out here for three weeks (rinse and repeat) and this is the same type of job I had when we originally met.. Anyways, the last couple nights have been interesting to say the least... I asked if she would like to have drinks at my place with me, to which she agreed, even brought the vodka with her. I tell her before she comes over that she could have my bed and i would sleep on the couch. She said we will see what the night brings. So we drink, talk, order food and juust have a relaxing night in. She began to get tired, so i asked her if she would like to go to sleep, she said she did, so i took her up to the room, where i asked her if she would like me to stay with her or sleep on the couch, either way i didn't care, but she told me i could stay with her. I did not make a move on her or anything, i wanted to respect her because its not my style to make a move on a drunk girl, even if she was my ex. We woke up the next day, laid in bed, watched a movie together, then both got up and went out to lunch together, stayed together the whole day, then went back to my place again, had a couple more drinks, watched a movie together, went on a late night mcdonalds run, and then came back, watched another movie, and fell asleep. The next morning (not knowing what her true intentions were) i asked her where the wanting to hang out and spend the night with me suddenly came from? she said "well i guess i wont stay over anymore" (totally avoiding the question).. i was irritated by that answer, and told her that she has to know something by now as it has been two weeks straight of seeing each other.. she said she didnt know yet, but still had feelings for me and wasnt saying no to being with me again, but doesnt want to rush into anything with me. I am totally fine with that and agreed with her, I do not want to rush right back with her either, but I was expecting a little more than "i dont know".. Anyway, I asked her if this meant something to her, and she said "yes it does, but I cant promise it will be something", to which i responded "thanks for your time". I was not looking for promises, I wanted to know what her intentions were. She asked if I was done.. To which i told her that it took me months to get to the point where I am now at in my life, and that I did not want to be left vulnerable in unknown territory in case i was going to get my heart broken again.. I told her that without some sort of straight answers to one or more of my inquiries, that I would not continue to pursue anything with her.. some of you may think this is an ultimatum but it hardly was, I just wasn't going to wait around for weeks for her to move home again, not knowing what she wanted out of this. She said she can promise you there wouldn't be another guy, and that she is not trying to talk to another guy (which tells me that she is leaving the door cracked open in case one does come along, but wont necessarily look for it) I told her that that was only a piece of the issue at hand, and that I would be going to work for two months (working my days off this time around) and that if she wants to talk to me before then, it would have to be in person and we would have to at least address some of these things. She responded with "its not fair im busy with work and trying to get things organized to leave." So i said the first thing that came to mind, which was "so if i didnt bring up these things that were slightly bothering me, you're saying you wouldnt see me again before i leave to go to work for a couple months?" she said "I didn't say that at all".... Da fuq????? "so what are you saying then?" to which she responded "I don't know what YOU want" I have yet to respond to that message and it was earlier this evening .. I feel these are games being played by her.. If you ask me if i still care for and love this girl, i would have to respond that I do.. we share an unreal connection that I have yet to ever find in a woman, but I don't want to play another game with her.. what is my best plan of attack to this situation? I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to get my heart torn out either, double-edged sword, i know.. any and all advice on this would be great! Thanks everyone!
  14. So, today I sold the house. The house I bought 2 1/2 years ago, because my ex promised he would work non-stop on it to make it into what we wanted. All he did was paint a few walls. I did everything else (fixed the electrical, ran network and coax everywhere, fixed the pond pump, installed appliances, renovated a bathroom) while working 16 hours a day to support myself, the house, and him. And he left me. He left me with a million partially started projects. All of which were beyond the point of no return. He left a disaster. His "art room" was filled with junk, and covered in chinchilla feces (he was trying to raise chinchillas, promised he would keep it clean). There are so many things I want to say in this post, but I don't know how to really write it all in an easy paragraph. So, I'll make a list: 1. I texted him, I said "house is sold, can you come by and get the rest of your furniture". he replied with a simple "yes". He never replies to anyone's text with one word. he's been so cold to me lately (we run into each other once in a while, and we often have to discuss money issues -- we had alot of joint accounts), and it hurts. It hurts almost as much as him leaving did. When he left, he always told me that he could never hate me, and always thought I was a good person. Now it feels as if thats no longer true. 2. I still hold out hope. I think I always will. If he came to me, and said he had made a mistake, and wanted me back, I would go back to him in a second. 3. I did NC for so long. It was typical of what you read on here, they begin to call, text, email, anything to find out whats going on. I only responded once in a while, with as little information as possible. It accomplished the goal, it helped me heal quickly. The scar isn't bad, barely visible. I know I'll be able to love someone like that again. I just wish I did right now -- other than him. 4. I'm with someone now, who is so much better. He's financially together, mature, independent, not addicted to anything except cigarettes, very intelligent, and very attractive. Yet, I can't feel it. I can't stop thinking about the ex, while I'm with him. I almost hope he'll break up with me so that I won't have to feel the guilt of breaking up with someone so great. 5. I tend to wonder if my ex is being so cold to me because he's seen me out together with my new guy, in fact while he's out with his new guy. I wonder if my ex compares me with his current. I do, I compare myself to him all the time, and I feel good about myself when I do. I know what my ex had, I know what he doesn't have now. I wonder if my ex compares himself to my current. I do, logically I'm with such a much better person, but my heart still won't give up sometimes. 6. I'm still close to my ex's aunt and uncle. They called me the other night. They told me they missed me over the holidays (we would usually go down there). My ex and mike (his new guy) went down there this time. They said, in confidence, that mike is pretty boring, didn't take any interest in them at all, didn't talk to them much, just sat around the whole time and talked about how bad people looked in the magazines he was reading. I promised them I wouldn't say anything, but it was somewhat of a relief to hear it. 7. 2 months ago, I ran into the ex, and we had a conversation. an alcohol influenced conversation. In it, I told him that I was in love with someone else, but I still missed him. He immediately reacted with "you love him?!" to which I responded "I'm in love with him, but I don't love him yet" (at the time I was feeling the newness of my new relationship, I really thought I was falling for him)... rest of the conversation: me: so you're with mike? ex: yeah me: I thought you didn't want any relationship? (what he said when he left me) ex: its been slowly happening over a while, he's a really nice guy me: I was a really nice guy. ex: I had to be with someone or I'd go f***ing crazy I'm so confused and conflicted right now. I'm going to be seeing him again tomorrow morning. And he's going to be just as cold to me again. And I'm not going to say a word about it or anything because I know not to. But it drives me up the wall. Is it possible to feel sympathy for someone's stupidity? As in, feeling stupid yourself because of it? Oh well. I'm moving now. I'm going to stay in town for a few months at least, but I feel drawn to move to the west coast.
  15. so my gf and i ahve been going out almost an year...and year in a month or so and im preapareing early...but whats a nice present i can get her???and a nice way to spend teh day and make it special?i thought about a promise ring as a sign to show that were dedicated to eachother...but she told me a acouple months ago that she believes that a ring should be for marriage...so what do you guys think?
  16. I said to myself if we ever got back together i would come back and write to everyone...so it's been months since I last wrote and was miserably depressed w/o my ex (now bf again). I wanted to do this to basically give what i have learned, but maybe i should start w/ how it happened (in case ppl are wondering). Long story short, I was at the point that i was going to finally let go and get rid of every reminder I had of him, meaning getting rid of stuff and returning things. But he wasn't ready to let me go! Well things happen and it's like those stresses you get in the early stages of dating wondering what's going on, some good things happen, some BAD. But now, through all the things we went through together I feel that some of major things that occurred in the last while were meant to happen and have possibly brought us closer together. Hard to believe that it does happen. I kept trying to convince myself that it was all supposed to make me a better person or that there was some lesson to learn. Now just the other day he told me that he loves me more than he ever has before! I want to let some people know that there is hope to get back w/ your ex...i know i was desperately searching these forums for a story like this. But you have to really be honest w/ yourself and see how your relationship and love was before. In my heart I knew he really loved me and cared for me and thankfully he was never dishonest thru our breakup. It's so hard not to read into what they say or do, but compare it to how it was when you were together. I learned to understand that everyone expresses their love differently and it is not comparable and there is no right and wrong. I learned to be honest and try to control my feelings by waiting a day or at least writing it out. And it DOES push them away when you are constantly sad, there can never be any constructive talking and nothing is ever fun. I realized that what i thought was lack of effort or compassion was not that at all, but i was stuck in how i felt things SHOULD be setting myself up for disappointment. I don't know if what i've said makes sense or is helpful, but I just want to be able to give something back to people. I consider myself very lucky to be one of the few to reunite w/ their ex's and remain w/ them. It's been about 4 months or so and he surprised me the other day by deciding to take me out for our (orginal) anniversary, one that we've never ever celebrate b/c we've never thought it was a big deal. It was such a nice surprise and i see how much he is trying to make it work this time. I think there are a lot of breakups where there is still a lot of love but maybe something is strong enough to hold them back...I guess we just have to be understanding that they are hurting and trying too. They are also doing what they feel is best for them and you. Take care everyone!
  17. My ex and I broke up nearly 2 weeks ago, and haven't spoken for just under that. I kept steadfast in my commitment to myself of NC, but suddenly found myself writing this email a little while ago. I finished it, and went to the loo, and just as suddenly, found myself in floods of tears, feeling like I was going to vomit. I haven't had a cry this bad for about 5 days. Now I don't know if this was just a sort of vent email that I can delete without ever sending, or if it is something I should send. What do you think? This is the email, I've removed my address. "This is probably going to seem really trivial and petty, but I really would like my dvds back. The thing is, I really don't want to be reminded of you and that's something that keeps popping up in my mind, and if getting them back will help, then I want to do that. But then, I don't know if I can see you. At first I really did think that at some point we could try to be friends - but seeing as your respect for me seems to stretch to only answering 1 question before ignoring me once again, now it seems highly unlikely. If I were to see you, I couldn't promise that I could keep my temper. It's proving difficult even in this email. I can't seem to decide which things you ought to know, and which things would just be spiteful and unnecessary. So anyway, here's my address, if you could post them to me, that would be great: Thanks"
  18. Ive been dating my current boyfriend for about 5 months now and when we got together I made him promise that he wouldnt talk to his ex anymore who cheated on him. Well they talked on myspace and he gave her his new number so I got mad about this and he stopped. Well here lately she has been messaging me talking alot of crap. Saying that he dont love me and he wants to be with her cuz he still loves her and how she went by and saw him at his brothers shop saturday and how he calls her everyday and wants to hang out. Now all this stuff bugged me alot even though I honestly think she lieing since all of his days are spent with me, and I was at the shop with him saturday and when I accused him of this stuff and I wanted to break up he took it really hard. I just find it hard to beileve that he dont love me since he's trying to get a house for us and all this. The problem is he dont do nothing about her talking crap, I dunno.. Maybe im wrong here but I think he should call her up and tell her whats up ya know. She still has some of his stuff so he says that he dont want to be rude so she wont tear it up. Then last night when we got in the fight about all of what she said and I was done he said he didnt even care about his stuff no more if it meant losing me. What would you guys think if you were in my shoes, and dont you think he should say something to her?
  19. Binding promises unlaced Rationale not clear Loyalty with knives erased All words insincere Leaving me uncomprehending Betrayal festering Is Waterloo without an ending All that faith can bring? I was grateful to the floor It held me up Or down, not sure Anyway, it's much more real than you You've triumphed now, you've carried out your coup Haven't you? This is a requiem For a fool So I'll draw stick men on the walls Inside this flaming home And if they're done before it falls I'll muse on them alone Charcoal smiles, bone-white background Vicious irony A grinning stack of bones will sink down Where I used to be And I loved clouds in the sky They waved hello Or waved goodbye Anyway, they're much more real than you You built a trap to see what I would do Didn't you? This is a diagram Of a tool Lies will stream through crystal prisms And break in hues beyond our vision Soft deceit and tears of jism Stone is not what makes a prison Hope is dirt and likewise trust They form this spinning nightmare's crust Labeled "Love" are jars of lust Expired into ash and dust So smear them on your marble bust And play the mourner if you must
  20. when people..... go away you're trusted... don't stay commitments... unmade leave you... betrayed when desertion.... has begun promises left.... undone contact.. gone amiss friendships... meaningless reach out to the sky always... need to try to find something.... to distract and get back... on the track it's only... yourself can rely on.. no one else they'll mess.. you about then they..spit you out they... do not care about any.. despair not because.. you're worthless they can't see.. past themselves I... am 1 nothing more... to become none to cause... defeat alone and... complete
  21. Hello, I'm new here and in desperate need of some support. This is going to be a really long post, because I have a really long story. No one I know seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm told that everything that is happening is all my fault because I'm having a really hard time leaving a harmful/hurtful relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I'm 19, and he's 20. When we first got together, I loved to go out and party and so did he. We had a great time together, even if it was just us. We fell in love quick, and he moved in with me (I had my own place at 17) almost right away. We were always together and he became my world. But a short while after turning 18, I decided that I was ready to grow up. I stopped partying, stopped hanging out with our "loser" friends, and started trying to build a life for myself. I guess I expected my boyfriend to move right along that road with me. Of course that's not how it happened. We started fighting really bad when he'd want to go out every night, and when he'd come home all jacked up on cocaine. He'd get violent, especially when he was drunk, and though he never hit me, he'd put me in head locks, choke me, hold me down, lock me in rooms... there were times when I was scared he was really going to hurt me. It got so bad.. I would have panic attacks. But I could never really believe any of it was happening... this wasn't the person I fell in love with. He'd get me back every time because he'd promise to change and that things would get better. He would cry and tell me that he loved me and that he didn't know what came over him when he'd get so mad... and for awhile, we'd be in love again... everything was ok again until the next weekend. Here's where it gets complicated. He eventually DID change. He hasn't been violent towards me for about a year. He's learned to manage his temper, and isn't so quick to get mad. This has really amazed me... and this is what drives me to stay with him now, thinking eventually EVERYTHING else will work out. In October of last year, he cheated on me. He says he doesn't know why he did it, and that he "hates himself for it." I figured that he was at least honest about it, and I could see that it did hurt him. Like an idiot, I took him back about a month later, even after he said he'd been with 2 other women while we were broken up. At that point, I didn't know how to live without him. Being with him hurt, knowing what he had done, but being without him seemed worse. As far as I know (but I think about it and accuse him all the time), he hasn't cheated on me since. He still does coke. He's addicted. There are times when he'll blow me off, lie to me, disrespect me and my house by bringing it here, steal money from his family, sell his possessions, and disappear for days because he goes on binges. When he comes down four days later, he cries and says he hates the drug and really wants to quit, but he just can't. He even attempted suicide once because he "hated himself for hurting me." Of course every time this happens I break up with him, or tell him that I wont take him back unless he goes to rehab. Everytime he promises he will, but usually about 2 weeks later, he's done nothing and is back to being a jerk. He doesn't have a job, and has always had a very hard time holding one down. He says he gets depressed and unhappy with himself when he isn't working, and blames that for all our problems. When he does work, and when everything else in life is going ok, then our relationship can be wonderful. He treats me like a queen.. makes me smile and is always there for me. Until, of course, something bad happens and he lets everything get messed up again. He never keeps promises. I can count dozens of promises he's made that he hasn't kept. He makes me look stupid in front of people, he'd rather go out and drink than support me when I've had a bad day, he never talks about anything anymore, especially not our problems, and he doesn't like hearing about mine. He does nothing to gain any trust from me, and I feel like I have to babysit him all the time just to keep him out of trouble. I hate smothering him, but I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I can't handle sitting up all night, waiting for him to come home, and worrying about what he's done or if he'll end up in jail. Wondering when he'll screw me over next, or if he even really loves me at all. I realize that I can't do this anymore. I quit my job and quit college for this semester because of all of this. It's like I'm letting this ruin my life, and my whole reason for living is just to help him and try to save our relationship. I find myself in tears at least 3 or 4 times a week, and my social life and health have really suffered too. I see all of this and I wonder why in the hell I keep putting up with it... how I let him do all of this to me.... how I can do this to myself. I know I would be better off without him and all of this pain, and yet I can't bring myself to let go. I'm afraid to be alone, afraid I wont find someone as physically attractive as him (our sex life has never suffered), and I still love the good person inside of him that I know he can be. I keep thinking that he'll change, because he's done it before. I want more than anything for all this effort to amount to something, yet at the same time, I just want to be free from all of this. Every time I break up with him, I'm strong for a day or two, determined to move on, and then I cave. He says over and over again that he loves me more than anything, and he doesn't know why he hurts me or why he can't just put in the effort to make himself happy, and then try to fix our relationship. Last night he left instead of working out a fight we had the day before. When I talked to him today, he said that he wants a break, but he loves me and wishes we could make things work. He said he doesn't know why this is happening, or why he hurts me. He said he can't handle the stress right now either. I told him that it was over.. that I can't and wont put up with this anymore. This time I'm more determined than ever, but I'm afraid that he'll be back in a day or two, and that I'll give in again. Can someone please tell me why I keep letting myself go through this? Do you think he'll ever change? Why wont he make any attempts to make things better? Why does he drill it into my head that he loves me and wants to get better? Why is it so hard to let go of someone who is ruining my life? How do I move on? I know I have to... I know I have to take care of myself first... I know I don't want this anymore... believe me, I know. But my own heart is betraying me. No one understands, especially not me. Thanks for your time, Nicole
  22. As you may all know my now ex g/f broke up with me in the ending of October and I still want her back. She broke up because I used to curse, yell and call her names ( however, I never hit her nor cheat) esp. when I was very drunk. I'm quitting on the alcohol as a result and also working on myself. I realize I have promised her on various occasions that I was gonna quit drinking and woudln't yell nor call her names, only to repeat it again and again. I do mean it this time though. Now what bothers is that when I asked her if there was a possibility of getting back, she say maybe but isn't sure and that she can't take since I broken my promise so many times she can't really take it (so in other words she doesn't believe I mean it this time). But then why I asked if she still loved me, she say "Yes I still do". So how long do I wait, it's already been a bit more than 2 months since the break up.
  23. I don't want to be so materialistic and needy and greedy and selfish. This is the kind of stuff I can't tell people, and that's why I'm on here. This is what I really think deep inside, and it sounds sick, I know. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been tossing and turning these feelings for a while now. I think I just need the right people to talk to about it, and I think this is the perfect place. Particularly around this past Christmas, but never before this year have I let this kind of thing bother me-- I've always been really happy with any gift my boyfriend gives me. He wasn't feeling the gift giving for my birthday or for Valentine's day, so for my birthday he just got me flowers because I gave him "unrealistic ideas," like a ring! (which is kind of funny-- read on about that) So our anniversary comes... he was kind of whatever about it this past year (7 years together now) and the year before that, but we always go out for a nice dinner and have a good time. But I was really upset he didn't even care to get me a gift still. So come Christmas, he got me these really pretty diamond hoop earrings-- and he was like "I got them over a month ago" (before our anniversary. Supposedly.) And I like them a lot. I was talking to this girl I work with about whether or not she thinks my boyfriend would like what I got him or not and she said "Yeah!! Of course!" and I just got him little things this year, but it was more quantity. The past years I've gotten him nicer things that cost more, kind of like how jewelry is to a girl. Keep in mind I'm in college and have NOOO money, but I do have a job. In previous years I've charged because I have wanted to get him really nice things to show how much I care. She said something to me like "it shouldn't matter-- all throughout the year are gifts; whenever you go out to dinner, it's a gift, whenever either of you pays for something, it's a gift." And so I felt better both ways about it... and then she comes in with a 1k necklace from her boyfriend of under 1 year... and I got these earrings that were like $150-ish after being with mine for 7 years. Anything he's gotten me has been around that amount-- a bracelet was I think $200-250-ish. I feel like it measures how much he loves me. What BUGS ME TO NO END is that when he gave me the earrings, he actually TOLD me he was looking at rings (like a promise ring-- he called it a friendship ring though, and I looked it up on Google and it's another term for promise?) and he's like "I was looking at some rings, but one was like 1k with the insurance and it was too much... and then I saw this other one but I didn't really like it. I have been asking myself, WHY does this matter to me? And really... I think I really do measure it because he is not an affectionate person, and I don't mind it because I just get hung up on other things to see that he cares. But I feel like when he doesn't care to give me a gift, or does and he's making pretty damn good money, then it bothers me. But see, I don't know his full situation. His money definitely goes to other things like stock and 401k and those kinds of things. And then again, how do I not know if nowadays he's saving to get me a nice ring for you-know-what? I even ran that by him and he joked "Good, now I have an excuse!" That is so terrible to say! And I get hung up on other couples and what they do... like his sister and her boyfriend go away together, he bought her a dog, buys her expensive things... but they are a few years older and are really making money, you know? I feel like I'd be surprised at how much he already does for me if I could just realize it... I just have that guilty feeling, and I feel selfish. I want to know what other people think, and I'm sure others have felt this way and hopefully gotten over it. I want to know how, too. Martha
  24. This is something I've just never understood... My girlfriend drinks socially at college (which I hate), and I've just never been able to comprehend the point of consuming alcohol when there are no positive effects of it. I understand that it can cause people to relax, but if someone is at college and with friends that they already know, what do they need to alcohol to relax for. My father was an alcoholic, so I've always promised myself that I would never drink, but I would like to know what the motivation is for drinking, when the intent is not to get drunk.
  25. me and my girlfriends 1 year anniversary is on January 6th. here's what i have planned to do for her. *there might be more later this is just a big part of it... i asked her, "what do you want for our one year?" and she joking around said, "i want to go to paris and have dinner by the eiffel tower" so i laughed and said, i'll see what i can do! no promises! so here's what im thinking...im going to take a huge sheet of paper and hang it from my ceiling in my room. on the paper, im going to construct a huge effiel tower replica. then im going to set up a table with a nice table cloth on it and everything. and decorate my room in stuff you'd see in paris. i then would take a black light and shine it up from the bottom of the eiffel tower so the white of the tower glows behind us. i also was thinking of not having any lights on, have it all by candle light with some soft music in the background. i could then tell her, i brought her to paris to have dinner with her. i dont know what else to do for her. i want something to give to her when i do this, but i dont know what to do. i only have like, $40 or so...i'll have a card of course but my goal is to have to cry. (the good crying) and suggestions or comments???
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