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About Me

  1. So, I had a zoom conference with some old friends. I have moved out of the country and only get to see them every so often. I was a bit apprehensive about going onto the call, I don't know why, I almost ducked out of it.. But I went on anyway... It was fun, lots of laughs, had a few beers along the way... my gf was on the call with me also... she is friends with some of them also, so I was out getting a drink and interrupted her to ask her something, she said "hang on I'm chatting with my friends".. something inside me flicked and I was fuming .. after that I was micro analysing everything for the rest of the call, had an argument with her after, and she went to bed... I had this overwhelming feeling of lonliness, betrayal she was taking my friends, uselessness, nobody liking me and just a lot of disgust at myself for feeling like this.... I have thought about suicide for a number of years, almost flirting with the idea I guess... but this night I actually went to do it. I have never before, no matter how bad I was feeling. I took a TRX strap, hung it off the door, wrapped it round my neck and let my legs go limp... I was hanging there for about 40-60 seconds... the pressure building in my head was more uncomfortable than the need for a breath.... I could feel myself getting dozy, then something flicked in me again, "if you don't stand up this is it.." I thought.... so I did... took everything down and started crying... I woke my gf back up, but she thought I was going to have another go at her, so didn't want to hear anything from me... It's been 2 days since that now... I feel terrible for the fight, I feel terrible on a whole... but most of all, I've frightened myself that I was actually almost going to do it..... I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I've actually passed the point of toying with the idea to actually doing it, I'm afraid that I coud get to that point again.... The problem is me, I lack self confidence, I lack friends where we live, I lack validation, but for what I don't know... I have a good job, but was not enjoying it so much before all this lockdown happened, but it's paying the bills, I'm still learning and still saving for a house. My gf is great, although I have always had an issue with how gregarious she is, I sometimes feel less around her with friends... I know all that is 100% me.... but that usually turns into me giving out to her about something in social situations... I am keeping fit, I am working towards a degree part time and have a kid who I've been able to spend loads of time with thanks to lockdown... yet I still feel so empty at times.... I had anger issues when we first moved to where we are now, I went to get help and the health services initially diagnosed anxiety... they messed up my records though, sent my appointments to a different address, things got disjointed so I never went back... I felt a lot better then so I thought I could deal with whatever was up, but it seems to comes in waves every few months, maybe over the weekend I was feeling down but didn't recognise it.... Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far... I don't know who to speak to or even how to approach the issue, I feel so embarrassed by it all now...
  2. Do you wish you had the power to end any argument with one text message? In this video, I'll teach you that text message and exactly how and when to use it so that any argument is over in minutes. Watch the video to find out more.
  3. Hello Everyone, Been married a little over 7 years. I started noticing changes in my wife when she started a new job back in June of last year, working late, dressing different, guarding her phone. To make a long story short, my wife now spends more time with her new boss than she does with me. There have been at least 2 different incidents where I caught them doing what I consider to be flirting (she disagrees) and she even gave him a very expensive watch for Christmas. (she's never given me a watch) They text after work and at all hours of the night, I've even caught her texting him when she was supposed to be having a romantic dinner, alone with me. Every time I try to sit her down and have a calm conversation with her about all this, we just end up arguing and I end up on the couch, she thinks I'm overreacting and she even claims that maybe I'm being a little insecure about the fact that she now earns more than me. She says there is nothing going on between them, that she's only trying to make a good impression and I'm being paranoid, she says she loves me and wouldn't be with me if she wanted someone else and I really want to believe her. This weekend they are supposed to go away for a convention and she'll be gone for 2 weeks. I've already told her that I feel uncomfortable about the trip and now she says I'm controlling and she seems determined to go whether I like it or not. I don't know who this person is, but it's not the woman I married, she's turned into some sort of cold-hearted Ice Queen, our sex life is down the drain and she gets irritated easily and picks fights with me about stupid stuff. Despite all of this I still love my wife very much, but I'm beginning to think I can't compete with her new boss, he's 10 years younger than me, single and filthy rich. I'm at a loss for what to do, part of me wants to walk away and another part wants to fight for my marriage, but I don't even know where to start, I've never been in this situation before, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  4. Hey all, I'm writing so as to get some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I met my "ex" (we didn't get to call ourselves bf/gf) about two years ago. We work together and it took us a while to hook up. She was in a relationship were she was being heavily manipulated and it took her a long while and a lot of therapy to finally get herself rid from her ex. Once this relationship was over, we started going out. We dated for around 6 months and everything was going perfect. Out of the blue, she told me she wanted to talk with me and explained that she liked everything about me but that she felt that after her previous relationship she didn't have time for herself. We discussed about what the best course of action could be, she mentioned she was not feeling right to be in a relationship with me but she wasn't sure that she wanted to break up either. I offered her to take some time apart but she didn't feel that was right since she would feel guilty if she felt I was waiting for her to give me some kind of feedback, as she wasn't exactly sure about how she was feeling. I suggested we break up and that was it. It was amicable and I went straight into LC (meaning I'll only talk work with her or discuss whatever topic is at hand whenever we have lunch with the team; we do have lunch together every weekday). After the break up I was devastated but pulled the little energy I had to make it seem in our lunches as if I was OK. The first few weeks she'd try to fight with me about anything and I would just divert the talking to anything else to avoid confrontation. When we broke up, she did mention I was no regular guy and that said she was doing everything so as to take care of the relationship we had; she didn't want to ruin it because of her doubts. Her attitude these first two weeks was very contradictory. Moving forward, the relationship got better and she stopped trying to pick fights with me. At around the 4th week mark, I called her and just asked how she was feeling about the whole break up thing and did mention that it had been a rough time for me as she had given me no clear reason to break up in first place. I did ask her to break my heart if she had to and be honest, be it she didn't like me anymore, had no more feelings or anything. She denied everything and mentioned that she did have feelings for me, she did like me and would have a great time with me, but that she felt that we were ready to be bf/gf and she was not yet ready for that, as her previous experience had been too rough and was just not ready to start a new relationship. I said it was OK and thanked her for the time to talk, went straight back to the same LC I previously mentioned. That was 2 weeks ago. Everything went on fine and I've started to feel better myself, I think it might actually be showing since I'm in a better mood generally speaking and doing fine. However, what's killing me right now is that for the past 3 days she's been trying really hard to avoid me. Not just that, she's trying to make me notice that she's avoiding me. We'll be in meeting rooms where there's just 3 of us and she will just rotate her chair and make me face her back. She is now trying to contradict what I say again and it's becoming a pain. I'm trying to keep everything as professional as possible as that's the right thing to do. While I'm focused in moving on, this is also a relationship I don't want to completely discard and make moves that might push her far away. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. Shall I ignore her bad attitude as I'm doing and show indifference? Shall I confront her about it? Why might she be behaving in this way towards me? Just in case you even think about it, I did not beg, cry, became needy or anything. I've learnt this from my past relationship and refrained from doing anything of the sort even though my brain wanted me to do so.
  5. Hi, all: Just wanted some unbiased advice on my relationship, so please don't take my side if I'm genuinely in the wrong. I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and overall it's been an amicable relationship. He was given free rent with all bills included to live in a 4 bedroom house in London (well, Greater London) from his family. I also have my place (which I mortgaged, lots of hard work and sacrifices to get here) which I'm very proud about, rightly so. For about the first 7/8 months into the relationship, we would take it in turns to see each other on the weekend. One weekend I would visit him, the other weekend he would visit me. This worked fine for the whole 8-months, so we decided that I'll move into his house as we seemed to be getting on. Now, I must admit here, this was an interesting decision. Interesting meaning both cons and pros, though now, I'm starting to feel that the cons are slightly outweighing the pros. When I moved into his house he was still working. The job wasn't great but he was earning a semi-decent income. I was happy about that. Moving time forward about 2/3 months and he got into a severe altercation with his workplace. He is on long-term unpaid sickness now as he used his 6-month entitlement off paid sick leave last year, and the new rota has begun. So, I effectively have a boyfriend who is unemployed, but worse than that, not entitled to claim any benefits either. He says he is expecting a large payout from his workplace (settlement agreement), which I'm dubious will happen and I think is using as an excuse to not find work. Whenever I approach the topic with him, he becomes very hostile, saying things like "you know why I'm here", or 'why do you have to bring it up now!", to name a few. I've tried all approaches, talked to family, etc. I'm employed full-time in a professional job, working from home. There are two points of frustration for me: • I have no time to myself as he is around the house, and I crave some me time. I can go into a separate room after work, or on the weekend, but that's not giving me mental space as we are still in the same building. I've lived in my apartment by myself for nearly 2 years. This is too much of a change for me. I'm passionate about self-development and it's distracting when he is around, and certainly wasn't an issue when he was working as I was guaranteed this time. • I worry about our financial future together. I am very ambitious and have big life goals, and we don't seem to be sharing these values based on his past work history, current conversations we've had, and general attitude :( Moreover, is it generally possible to find someone who is both very ambitious and caring at the same time? This is the question I have been asking myself. Surely I have to sacrifice some ambition to have some more of the softer side feelings, but this is a bit of an extreme situation, no? I think these frustrations have been the cause of many arguments, more severe since moving into his house. I'd say we average about 1/2 arguments a week that are resolved in about 2 days. So the relationship is very hot and cold. For reference, I've not had arguments like this in previous relationships I've had. Any advice on this? To make this clear and give some context, I have listed some of the key pros and cons so you can make an informed judgment. My main pros are: • Kind and caring • Makes plenty of time for the relationship (also a con explained below) • Can have high-brow conversations, interesting conversations General reservations I'm having: • Is currently unemployed and has little motivation of finding a new job currently (his confidence is damaged badly from a bad experience with a previous employer) • Comes across condescending (whenever I express an opinion on something, he is very quick to foist his view on me. When I feel the conversation is heading into an argument at this point, I try to move it along but he brings up his point again argghhh) • Feels a bit suffocating (always living on top of each together, or having to do things together all the time) Will be interesting to hear your thoughts on this. Ta.
  6. my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 10 months now and we’re both second year college students. our relationship would often consists of fights because of my attitude towards him or how i act, i admit that im sometimes immature when it comes to being demanding and sometimes cant be understanding towards my partner, but i feel like im always too criticized by my boyfriend. In our friend group he is always known to be very direct and straight to the point, so its no different that he applies that too in the relationship which is no problem for me. But lately its been different for me. In relationships its normal to be open with one another when it comes to their problems, we rant or become vulnerable with each other. I would often open up about my issues to my bf, issues about my social anxiety back in high school and stuff or about my past relationships, of course after hearing those from me he would try and comfort me. But Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me and completely forgot the fact that he comforted me about those things. He would always do this in our arguments that it deeply hurts me, it makes me want to show him that most people would kill just to see their partner be vocal about their feelings. There are often times where i get stressed or sad about something and the first thing i think about is to tell about them to my boyfriend, but now i’d just be so frustrated with my self because I know I cant really do that anymore towards my boyfriend, it frustrates me because i know wouldnt feel great venting things to him because I know he wouldnt comfort me or maybe he’ll just use my experience against me again. I do plan on opening this up to him but I fear that it may lead to a fight or he might correct me again and again because there might be something wrong with that im adressing. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to not be too firm on me and I would want to be free enough to share my feelings to him without the fear of being judged.
  7. Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I always have arguments about Instagram. He just has multiple accounts of girls in the area he’s following along with Instagram models. There are even accounts of like hottest girls on the gram amount other questionable accounts. He tells me he followed them all when he was single. It just bothers me because I don’t want to be married to someone who is going to always be looking at other girls online. I’m not sure what to do. He has unfollowed some after we talked but there is just so much on there still... he doesn’t view it the same way as me. I believe you should be loyal in all forms in a relationship but he says why isn’t it enough that I love you. This is always a stupid thing to fight about too... Please give me your input.
  8. Today, me and my girlfriend had an argument, that is keep happening, and we couldn’t settle for what is the root for this problem, or who plays a bigger part in creating this problem in the first beginning. I am going to describe our last argument now so you can get a clearer picture regarding what I am talking about.( I emphasize that this pattern of arguments is keep happening ). So we were both sitting on the balcony watching the view, when she showed me her feet that had a small bruise on it.( that bruise was caused by us playing two days before; more specific, she sat on my back while I was on the floor, and because I moved she lost her balance and fell. I told her I am sorry at that moment and hugged her to make her feel better). When she showed it to me, I moved her ankle around to see if something got broken, she didn’t make any hurt sound while I did that so I told her: “You don’t have to worry, is just a bruise, nothing is broken, is gonna go away soon.” After this she got angry and said : “Why don’t you say you are sorry, you think I don’t know is not broken ?”. I told her that I already told her that I am sorry, and that by saying to her “not to worry” I meant to comfort her, not to tell her that I don’t care. She got more angry and said that is not true, and that I don’t care about her. I told her that she shouldn’t pick so hard on this small things all the time because they will happen from time to time and is not healthy like this. Two different people, I think, will inevitably behave, at some points, in a way that the other one doesn’t totally agree with. After I said this, she, still angry, start saying she will leave me and started swearing on me. When she did this I told her that I won’t talk to her anymore if she is talking like this to me, I told her that this is a teenage girl way of behaving( we are in our mid 20’s). At that point she got more angry and throw her hairbrush at me, hitting me with it. The hairbrush broke in half after this. I told her again that swearing and hitting is not ok and it is not how a mature woman should behave. At that point she wanted to call one of my friends to tell them what happened and for him to decide who is wrong here. I said friends or family shouldn’t get involved in this kind of things, and that we should post it on a anonymous group to see what other people say, she didn’t want to, but I still did it, and that’s how this got here. Now, to sum this up, and for you to make a better idea about me, I don’t always behave perfect( but I never swear or be violent), sometimes I forget small things, and I don’t manage everything perfectly, but I try my best to improve and to do good. I also am the type of man that wants prosperity from life, so aside from my day to day job, that is a stable, higher studies, medium income job, I also learn programming so that I can make more money so we can afford anything we want in this life. Again, I said this just so you can have a better picture about me and what kind of person I am. I think is normal for everyone to do small mistakes every day and a life partner shouldn’t point it out every time when it happens, is not healthy in my opinion. She says that this is how women are, and is normal for women to pick on this kind of things every time they happen, and that this is her way of expressing her anger, through swearing and hitting. I say this is how teenage high school girls behave, not mature women. By writing this post I am trying to maybe find the root of this problems and fix them. So what do you think about this situation?
  9. I haven’t posted here for a long time. It’s been 18 months since my breakup. My ex partner has been with someone for around 15 months. Are relationship is good. I’d say we are quite close as we share a daughter. Our interactions are good and we see each other Often during exchange of our child or her things. It’s been a rough ride, I’ve just finished therapy and I’m feeling optimistic. The reason I’m here is because I had a day and night out drinking with some friends which was brilliant. Chatted to a lot of attractive women and even scored a kiss and a grope. This is big for me because my confidence has been for a long time. It felt good to feel wanted and I’m realising I am actually a catch. I just haven’t been putting myself out there. I swipe on tinder but going in dry so to speak is not my thing and I probably lose to more attractive guys because tinder is much more visual and you select based on a photo rather than actually face to face interactions. Anyway, my ex partner turned up. No big deal I actually new she would be coming and In all honesty I wasn’t supposed to be staying all day and night but time got away with me because I had such a good time. The last part of the night I remember before things got heated was kissing this girl outside. After that I remember my ex partner saying ‘excuse me, I’m his ex girlfriend we were together for 8 years’ Obviously something was said before that, and from what she told me a few days after, one of her friends thought this girl was looking at her funny, even though the don’t know each other. Whatever... My mate started raising his voice at my ex and I flipped out saying don’t ever speak to her like that. I’m quite protective over her, even though I wasn’t during out time together, which she said a few days later how frustrating it was to see me be like that with her now. I got pulled out the bar by security. Ended up fighting outside with some random dude. Can’t remember exactly why. The interesting part is, I remember shouting at my ex calling her out for interfering in my relation with the girl, and said how I’ve had to deal with another man being there almost instantly after I moved out and it’s not fair for her to do that. Wether she actually was trying to or not I’m not sure, and she’s told me a few days after that it wasn’t like that and she had no problem with what was going on. Well I remember her shoving me and getting emotional, as we both were, and saying what about everything I did to her, stuff which she has brought up before also. I told her I was different now and I’ve changed, along with a lot of other things. I remember trying to restrain her and hold her because she was upset...we both were. Anyway my taxi came and everything was so heated. My friend screamed at me to get in the taxi. I was walking away and she shouted me, and still looked visibly upset. She said, quote .. “My name! I love you” I looked at her with the taxi door open and she said it again. Few days later we spoke about the night, and she had no recollection of us arguing outside, or me fighting, or saying she loved me’ She said, I’ll always love you you’re my child father. I felt she was trying to dress this down. I told her not to take this out of context and that she had no right saying that to me after we’ve been apart for so long. (She ended it, and I wanted her back) I said if I was you’re boyfriend and you said that to an ex I would be fuming. She just said ok and we talking about something else because she hurried the convo off onto another topic. Her denying the context in which she said it in has be questioning a lot about that night. Have I made all this up? I mean, she remembers the girl, so that must be true. She also pointed out a guy on Facebook that I described who I was fighting with, and said he was wearing the clothes I described that night and was there and that he’s always fighting when he’s out. So that’s so plausible. Honestly, it’s probably all true, but is there a chance I could be making the things she said up? And all the heated conversations we house leading up to it? It’s kore for my sanity that anything else. Chances of us bong a family again are slim to none and I’m kinda starting to enjoy my life. Of course I miss her sometimes. I regret the loss a future with her due to my actions. I’ve felt crazy enough through my healing journey and I don’t want making scenarios up to be another crazy on my list LOL
  10. Hello, im new to this forum and in need of advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years and just last year we decided to move in together. From the start we always had problems but nothing we couldn’t overcome. My partner since the first day became very good friends with my family members and everything was great. My sister and my mom started to notice how much we would argue about small things and they started to wonder if we were ok. Specially since my mom realized how my partner would go out without me every time and she thinks im not being taken serious. After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didn’t want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse. Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much. As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we haven’t had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me. God knows I have tried to fix this but I cannot stand the insults towards the people I love anymore. I feel like i have to choose one side only to be happy. Im stuck and all i can do is cry.
  11. Me and my partner were together on/off for 11 years ,we knew each other previous to that but he was married and i was in a long term relationship which when both ended we got together he moved in and it was good for a few years until i found out he was cheating with someone from work (he worked nights in a hotel) at that time, so he ended it and didnt talk to me for 6 months until one day i bumped into him near where i lived and he said the feelings were still there so we got back together eventually he moved back in but the trust on my part was shattered even though he tried to gain my trust certain things triggered it and we would argue plus we hardly went out and i never met his family or friends even though he met all of mine, outside of that we had a good connection and would talk constantly about anything but last year out of no where he ended it again saying its not going anywhere but this time we remained friends and eventually he started staying over even though we both agreed it would never work as a couple again but after a while i didnt feel good with this situation as i still had feelings plus we were arguing over silly things and 4 weeks ago he said its come to an end and theres no going back this time and throw his stuff away which was at my place and 5 days later he blocked me, he sent me an email a week later saying'' the reason i cut communication was for the best and lets see where we are in a few months and maybe be friends take care'' i do miss the conversations even though hes acted terrible for no apparent reason and the worst part is the blocking as it feels so final...
  12. I have been married almost 2 years. I won't lie. I am not happy at all. He is not the same person he was when we were dating. I knew we shouldn't have gotten married but did it anyway because of pressure from him. I know I am a fool. But he has changed so much that he is not the same person at all from when we got together. He literally is Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He cannot hold a job down for longer than a month or two then sits on his ass for months at a time claiming he's "looking" for work. He's been at his current job for four months only because he's working with family. And right now he's wanting to quit!! I can't handle being the only bread winner again! He has had multiple jobs in the few years we've been together that I've lost count! He wants me to wear lingerie and corsets and I have no interest or desire to wear them at all. I am 40 years old (he's younger than me) and I will wear a piece of lingerie once in awhile if its tasteful but he wants me to wear stuff that is just skanky! Sorry but no. I will not do that at all. He's constantly looking at this stuff online and it grosses me out. He also has some fetishes that I cannot get on board with. He loves to wear women's underwear and clothes. Whenever he wears them its grosses me out and I've told him this but he does not care. He has stolen my own underwear and worn them. I was not happy about that. I have to count my underwear almost daily to make sure they're all there. He also wants to wear corsets himself. He also shaves all the body hair he can because he doesn't like it. I personally like the body hair and have said so. I find it unattractive that he does this. He never did any of this when we were dating! It has ruined our sex life so bad. We very rarely do it anymore because of these things. I want to be married to a man. Not a woman. He's constantly on his phone. Usually on Facebook or whatnot. He always has his phone in his hands. I've asked him to get off it and he gets off it for a few minutes then right back on Facebook!!! How can a person spend so much time on there? He watches the dumbest videos as well! I think spending time with your wife and family is more important than Facebook. He also snores so horribly loud that it interferes with my sleep almost nightly. I have asked him to go see a sleep doctor to see if there is something they can do to stop it. He has refused. He says all they'll do is give him a CPAP and he does not want that. He says how dare I ask him to do this. That I need to compromise and just let him be. That he never gets sleep. He doesnt get sleep because he snores so bad!!! All I've done in this marriage is compromise. He has done nothing to compromise. I've worked when he's sat on his ass watching TV. I've paid all the bills while he's done nothing. I've made sure his kids and himself had Christmas while I got nothing. I could go on. Even his family has told me secretly that they don't know how I've gone on this long with him. My kids do not like him anymore as he treats them badly. They stay away from him as much as possible and I don't blame them. We argue quite frequently and when it gets bad it makes my kids cry. They do not like to see us argue. And my kids are teenagers. He loves to twist my words and use them against me. He doesn't trust me at all and I've never done anything to lose that trust. I have been by his side thru a lot of stuff. Yet I have no trust from him. I do not get it at all. Are these valid reasons to leave him? He won't change anything. And asking him to starts a fight. I can't handle anymore fights. There are a lot more reasons than I am listing here as well. These are just the main ones. I am just at the end of my rope and can't handle much more!!
  13. Hello everyone, Basically I have been online dating my bf for 7month now due to covid we havnt managed to meet up. But he has a habit when hes with his friends to not message me at all or reply to any of my messages. In the past if he goes away he wont tell me and just go saying it was last minute or that he was busy and only after not messaging for a few days and me sending angry messaged only then he will reply. We argued about this then and he apologised and promised it wudnt happen again ovcourse it happened again and the same story we argued and he promised never again. He has delayed coming to see me because he says he cant get time of work. A few weeks go by talking as normal then all of a sudden over the weakened he hardly messages me and then he doesnt message me at all or reply to any of my messages although I have seen him come online multiple times for long periods of time. I then send an angry text implying if he no longer wants to be with me to just be Frank about it and just tell me. Ect.. to which he replied and told me his friend forced him on a last minute holiday for a week and that hes been so busy he hasnt had any time to message me. And that he hasnt even been on what's all even tho I have screenshots of him being online. I asked him how he manages to go on a last minute holiday when to me he says it's really hard to book time off he just said he managed. I then phoned him and we began arguing about why he didnt message to let me know hes going on holiday. I've told him so many times even if he messages to say I'm going to be busy over the next few days we might nit get much if a chance to talk that's fine with me it's the leaving me out of the loop completely and expecting me not to get angry is the annoying bit but he just doesnt seem to understand I was crying on the phone and his priority was to go out partying. He left me crying on the phone so he could go with his friends. He then promised to call me later that night but he never did nit even a simple text or anything for 2 days then I send another angry message saying I want to end it because I dont deserve to be treated the way hes treating me. And his response was just why are you creating soo much drama. Since then there has been no communication and i know he wont until hes back from holiday. He comes back on sunday I dont know if when he comes back I should ignore his messages for a few days so he can have a taste of his own medicine or just reply and fight it out. Or should I just end it with him. I do love him but I dont want him to think he can just get away with it.
  14. I left my narcissist husband last year (after years of his cheating, drinking and reckless behaviour). I zoned out of the marriage years prior and did a lot of grieving and growing during that time so I felt I was ready to move on. A few months later I met a guy and he is my problem. At first everything was ok although I could sense he was a little insecure. He was desperate to push the relationship along at breakneck speed and was pretty pissed when I said we should take our time before talking of moving in together (after like 3 or 4 months). I don’t know really what went wrong but he seemed angry a lot of the time and almost depressed. He admitted to being jealous and said I was too good for him in many different ways. He began to pick fights, he’d walk out, go silent on me, he didn’t put me down directly but he’d question some things I did, and he’d tell me this was who he was and I should accept it. He had few friends, no hobbies, and spent all his time without me alone (I think). This was all interspersed with us still getting along ok and him always telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me. I think he did. I don’t lack confidence. I think he found it difficult to handle that I had my own life and knew how to take care of my own happiness. It takes a lot to shake me but I feel like he tried over and over again. Sometimes he did. I felt that despite dating for almost a year we never had a strong connection and we never had a destination or a future. We did talk about the future but it was all so grainy and we could never agree on what it would look like. Towards the end I was walking on egg shells. He said he was walking on egg shells but that’s BS. I went out of my way to tell him and show him I loved him because I could see he was struggling with insecurity. I avoided arguments but occasionally I would lose it and fight with him, big. Just before I ended it I had planned a night out with a friend and when I told him he never said he was pissed but he was pissed. He admitted to being jealous a couple of times but we never really talked about it since I did nothing to make him feel that way. I feel bad for him. He seems more messed up that I ever imagined. I think I contributed to it somehow. We’ve been in touch and I feel like he’s having a pity party and not entirely taking responsibility. Maybe that takes time. Does it? A part of me wants to help him through it (although he is in withdrawn mode and hasn’t asked) and another part wants to just leave him to it. Has anyone experienced similar and did it end well or not?
  15. Hello. I made a post a week or so ago about my situation, but I wanted to come at it from a different angle. Basically, I've been with my wife for just over 6 years in total and married for 3. We have two children aged 4 and 2. We haven't been getting on for around 18 months or so and haven't even had sex for about 2 years. I've been sleeping on the sofa for over a year aswell. Around last Christmas, she told me that she no longer loves me and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was heartbroken as no matter how hard things were, I always loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. She kept asking me to leave, but I refused as I didn't want to walk away from her or the children. Well three weeks ago, I found out through a friend that she was on multiple dating sites. I asked her about it and after a while, she admitted it. She told me it was just to make new male friends and have a bit of a flirt. It hit me like a rock. We had a few arguments and a couple of days later she left me and moved into her mum's. She also took our children and isn't letting me see them (I'm getting solicitors and courts involved which has really annoyed her) Obviously I'm missing the girls like crazy but I'm sure that I will get that part of it sorted eventually. The trouble is, I'm missing my wife for no reason at all! All we ever did was argue, we had no love life, slept in separate rooms, she was always moody and bossing me about. She was always right and everything I did was wrong and even my own friends and family disliked her. But I can't get her out of my head and want her back! She even called me this morning to moan at me and saying how the children don't want to see me etc. Why do I miss her so much? The flat is so quiet but still full of all her stuff and all our pictures including the wedding photos everywhere. Nothing I do and no matter how angry I try to get makes it any easier. She's taken my kids and stopping me from seeing them, and I still feel sad for losing her!!
  16. Hi. I need an advice about what should I do in my relationship. I have been seeing my guy since the beginning of June this year. He was intelligent, romantic and in to me and I we fall for each other easily (by the 2nd week I already told him that I love him and he replied it back). Problem is the more we spend time together the more I realize that he has an anger issue. He can snap easily and when he is angry he can say really hurtful things. He apologizes later and he did say that he has a problem with that and he might go to a Buddha center to get the hang of his anger issue but he haven't done that, yet. Another problem is he assumes alot of things instead of asking me about them, for example, we had a big fight because he assumed that I wasn't going to pay for a meal after I said that I would pay it and when I told him it might had been a misunderstanding but he did not buy it. I warned him about assuming and not trusting me but he keep finding it difficult although he had admit several time he doesn't doubt me and what I say to him. From my side, I can be stubborn most of the time and I can wear someone off with my constant care about details, including in arguments. I also can take things, literally, most of the time so this keep continue sparking clashes between us because I am very articulate and careful about what I say and he is not. He told me that because of that I can come as very annoying and he is growing tired of it. I told him if I don't match him why he is still with me and he said because he loves me and he tells me about my other good qualities that he find attractive. I am torn right now between my hurt from his words during fights and valuing myself and respect in relationship and with me loving him and him having a rough childhood and life which is the source of his anger and trust-issues. Should I break it off and tell him that we should work on ourselves separately or should I be more patient and try to work it out with him?
  17. for context, me and my boyfriend had an argument yesterday and it was never resolved but eventually got worse late at night. It was about me opening up to him how in the past he constantly kept saying that we’re broken up whenever we have a big fight, I told him how it affected me and even though he somewhat changed, I still felt like it wasnt properly discussed. Eventually it turned into a big fight and to him saying he’s done with me, then proceeds to block me everywhere. After an hour he came and apologized, mostly saying:“ im sorry mahal, im trying to be better from my past, no matter how many times I say im done i still want you“. Of course it made me feel good but I still hesitated, I didnt blast at him when he apologized but instead I stood by what I have been saying to him since morning that him constantly saying to break up with me upsets me. After saying those things he said he wanted to call me in order to talk about it, but sadly I had to go to the mall with my family, so I told him we can call later. Once I head back home I messaged him, the whole time I was still not fine with him and was still pretty upset. When I messaged him, he was trying to lighten up the mood between me and him by sending photos with silly filters, even though I was slightly mad, I couldnt help but laugh a long with him in the chat. We then continued talking in the call, he then started joking around with me with our college friends in the chat and I was not having it. I was slightly hostile towards him when that happened and he apologized but I just kept going off at him by saying that “why do you have to involve in those jokes?” “can you stop it?” “Im not having it”. He then responds to asking me if i was still mad about earlier or is it because I didnt like joking with our college friends as of the moment. I answered that Im still mad at what he did, and then I proceeded to telling him how he doesnt know how I feel when he kept breaking up with him, I just said a lot of things regarding that issue. It then again turned into an argument with him just saying: “wow” “do you really think im like that towards you?” “Just look at the things you do”. In that argument he seemed more pissed about the fact that my mood in the chat was so misleading, how i seemed fine in the chats but now in the call I was mad. It then lead to him ending the call again. We then continued fighting in text, it was him saying how I cant even tell how uncomfortable I still was even after the fight. It then continued to him saying he doesnt want this anymore, hes deleting all our pictures, he regrets apologizing to me earlier, hes throwing away the letters i gave him and many more. I have a lot in my mind right now and I dont know if I should blame myself for not telling him in the chats that Im not in the mood to joke around but instead went with the flow with him, but in call proceeded to be mad at him for the things he did. Its morning here and I really wanna approach him but im scared and dont know how. I dont know if we’re already broken up or what. Im mostly scared because I dont know how I can justify about the chats thing, I want to approach him just to settle things straight with him now if this is really it.
  18. last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game together online while we were on call, it was late at night. We werent fighting or anything but he said something that triggered me wherein he said how he loves how I keep my promises on how I dont easily give up on our relationship. It seems like a sweet thing to say to your partner but to me it seems sweet but it made me remember countless times as to how many times my boyfriend proceeded to constantly break up with me before whenever we have a fight. When I heard him say that, I said to him as how I wish he can apply that to himself too, it didnt seem like an argument so he just took it lightly while I make petty remarks about the things he did while we were still playing together. He eventually got sleepy and went to bed first, but before he slept he can really tell that something was bugging me and we had a small argument but since he was too tired he left the call due to just being sleepy and irritated. By the time he's asleep I explain was one sided of me toed to him how y I was to him that night and the things we fought about before still bother me because of how easy it was for him to leave me and that I wanted us to discuss it by the time he wakes up. By the time he woke up he said to me that we should call about this. When we were on call he started getting angry as to why i messaged him those things, and how I make it seem like it its one sided when i bring those up. Eventually our big fight led to him blocking me in all social medias again, telling me he's done with me, and him making his phone unreachable for calls. In our relationship I often question myself if I was mostly the problem in the relationship, many reasons why in the past he constantly wants to break up with me was because of the mistakes i did before wherein i was too needy and demanding of his attention. I do admit that having those traits can drain someone out but knowing my boyfriend before, he resorts everything to anger and shutting people out who "hurt" him. But he has also shown actions where its often a sign where I can just leave him in the dumps, mostly him cursing at me before and saying some things that can make a person question their capabilities. When I expressed to him last night in his messages how Im still not okay with the fact that in the past he used to breakup up with me a lot in our fights and how it scares me that he might break up with me again that easily if we ever argue again, I expected that he could at least understand as to why im bringing those things up because to me they are still unresolved. But instead he had to make it seem like the things i said to him on chat were a rebuttal to his little debate. Am I wrong for addressing an issue that still bothers me in our relationship? I just wanted him for once to be more understanding and show compassion in situations like these where I feel like I need reassurance in our relationship. This is one of many reasons why I dont share my problems with him like he would to me, I very much feel like being vulnerable towards him is a crime and can result to fights.
  19. Basically we’ve been together for two years, one year we were leaving together until she moved out to be independent. She even asked me to stay with her on the weekends. We were on a break when she officially ended it. Simply because I over stepped boundaries by showing up at her place uninvited whenever we would have an argument over the phone. I know it’s wrong. We were on a break because we argued a lot and never saw eye to eye so we thought some space could help both us think long term how to fix our problems. Obviously I ed up during the break which made her realize I’m never going to change. I have a tendency of making fights bigger than it actually is and always so desperate to talk things out even when she just wants to be left alone. I know I need to work in those things. In general we treat each other quite well, when we’re good we’re great but when we’re bad we’re horrible to each other. We bring the worst out in each other when we argue and have the ugliest fights. It reminds her of her parents and so she doesn’t want that and doesn’t see us getting back together because she believes it will continue. For 3 weeks I’ve been trying my best to listen to her and do everything right so she will see I’m making an effort in changing. I don’t want to go back to how I use to be and argue all the time. I even started therapy again to help. What can I do to help her move past the hurt I’ve caused and show her I am changing for real and not for show? I love her we both agree we’re each other’s soulmates but she’s afraid to get back together.
  20. Opinions please: A couple days ago my gran came round to my house as she had some things to drop off here. I did not know she was coming and when I saw she arrived my main thought was to go and speak to her (2m apart). I left my phone inside as I wanted to focus on talking to her as I haven’t seen her much recently and before Covid-19 I would see her basically every day. We ended up speaking for half an hour, I know this as my boyfriend had sent me a message 31 mins ago. The first thing I said to him was “Sorry for the slow reply I was talking to my gran” as he thinks it’s rude to take longer than 10 mins to reply and if we are we should say. So I did as we agreed, telling him why I didn’t reply. But this wasn’t good enough and he was annoyed at me saying I should have messaged him. This really upset me as I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, half an hour isn’t that long and I apologised and said what I was doing. 2 hours of arguing later and an hour of crying and we stopped talking for the rest of the day. The next day I’m still pissed but I let it go as I lm tired of arguing. My boyfriend works on a Saturday 8-6 and has his half an hour lunch break and 3:30. When he messaged I was on a walk and told him this and warned him that I would have slower replies. I still did my best and was messaging every 3/4 mins. We were right at the end of our walk and our neighbours were in their garden and started talking to us. This meant I had even slower replies as I didn’t want to be rude and go on my phone. I still did occasionally so I could message him and I told him why my messages were even slower. And then I get a message saying “if you didn’t want to talk to me you should have just said” like I’m sorry but I was doing my absolute best in the situation I was in. He said talking to my neighbours was a random thing (we’ve spoken to them at least 10-15 times since lockdown began Ive just never told him as it’s not normally that long a chat) and he said it felt like I started the conversation as I way to get out of talking to him. Anyone that knows me knows I’m the most shy person ever and would never do that so idk why he thought I did. He knew I was with my parents and so I really don’t understand why he thought I would have started it. Anyway this argument lead to us not talking for the rest of the day again. It’s like he expects me to not be doing anything at all when he’s got his lunch break, like surely I still get to live my life on a Saturday even if it means I’m not free when he is. Anyway these two arguments have made me feel so trapped like if I’m talking to anyone else that’s not him for longer than a few mins he gets annoyed. Surely I’m not being unreasonable thinking that’s not fair?! And then today I was still pissed at him and quite sad actually but I tried forgetting about it and tried to actually make normal convo with him. He was about to go out on a walk with his family and I asked him where his response was “past the hole in the ground” where I live there is no place with this known nickname. I said that explanation was very vague so I didn’t know where he meant. He then get angry with a response of “right ok” and he said how that was harsh. I have gone over it again and again and I just can’t see how this is harsh. If it is then I’ll happily apologise to him but I don’t see what I said so wrong. This has made me scared to talk to my own bf now incase I say something which I think is fine and he sees as harsh. This evening I went on our usual dog walk with my dog and our neighbours dog. On the way back we ended up talking to our neighbours again. I was 12 mins replying to his message and I said “sorry we were talking to our neighbours again and I didn’t start the conversation” like yeah I can see that sounds a bit harsh but I did this so he knew it wasn’t me not wanting to talk to him. And guess what he got annoyed. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do now if I talk to my neighbours. If I just say I’m talking to them he thinks it’s me not wanting to talk to him but if I say it’s not me starting the convo then he’s annoyed like what do I do? This is 3 days in a row we’ve had major arguments. Each time he always says he was never annoyed. But surely if it’s caused 3 arguments it means he is? During the arguments he said that I never take responsibility for what I’ve done and always blame him. I am capable of admitting when I’m wrong but if I don’t believe I have done anything wrong I want to stand up for myself. This is the main reason I want other people’s opinions, am I in the wrong? And should I be saying sorry? I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong in any of these situations, I tried my best at all times and yet that doesn’t seem good enough. If anyone does disagree with me and feels my bf is fair to be annoyed please let me know and I’ll own up that I was in the wrong. Whilst writing this we’ve still been arguing a bit. He just replied to something “you’ve been out twice and I was fine with that” I asked what he meant and he said I’ve been out driving twice. The first time I went driving was to charge the car as the battery was dead. I was 15 mins max. The second time was to drop some stuff off at my grans and I was half an hour. (Both times he knew what I was doing). Surely he has no right to get annoyed at that (I know he said he wasn’t but that shouldn’t even be a thing he uses to prove he doesn’t get annoyed at everything?). That’s just me living my life. Am I crazy or is this whole thing completely unfair?
  21. So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all. When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad. Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love. Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure? Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours. I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us. She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts.... From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires. It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship. Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal. I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up. I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up. I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel. The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game.. I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too? I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two. Thanks for reading.
  22. - Background story: I was born in Germany with Chinese ethnicity and she was born in Korea. I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 5 months. Before that, we talked for a year through phone and met four times as vacation. She started to like me when she was on the second holiday for 5-6 days. The next holiday was three months later, with the highlight that we had sexual intimacy, but we were not in relationship. From there, we were so emotionally attached to each other through sending gifts and letters. That she even bought me a plane ticket to her country which I couldn’t afford at the time. During that time, so many things happened positively and negatively. I’ve noticed there were times where the mood swings up and down all the time. The main factor for having so many mood swings was we grew up in a totally different environment which different values. Most of the time, I just go with the flow and it worked most of the time somehow. From there we started to have a relationship. We are now living apart and I would like to say that our relationship goes very well except for one thing: our discussions through phone. I would say we have one and two heated discussions every month. No matter how childish it might sound, we are both not competent enough to have discussions. Since both of us can’t supress our emotions and frustrations. Somehow, we are still able to improve day by day and I thought it gets better. Well not, until our discussion/ fight last Sunday. - Main story: Whenever I say something correct or incorrect. She often doesn’t argue back. And if she argue back after some pushing, the strength of the argument is weak. Or she avoids the question by saying nothing. Unlike me who always answer on all of her questions. Which frustrates me and then she use that moment to react emotionally. After that, we quit our discussion. I would say she is not open for having sensitive or heated discussions. Few days after, she opened herself up by admitting that she has avoidant personality disorder because of her past. She wrote her story from her childhood to her recent relationship in Korean and will translate to English later on. Moreover, it wasn’t easy for her because it took five years to share this story to someone. Note: I’m sure whether I’m only one or not. On the bright side, she promised that she has the will to change and I can do is showing understand and support her nothing else. I found it somewhat difficult because I’m not a person who sits back and wait. I accept that, just to show respect for her decision. Today we’ve talked more and our conversation ends up really positively. We made compromises. After that, she also talked a bit about her story she wrote. Although there’s one part about her previous four relationships that was disturbing. Because she her previous sex experiences were “not satisfying”. Since sex is important for her. She set a certain standard with people she date and have “emotional connection” before entering the relationship phase. Surprisingly, size is important otherwise she will put you in friendzone. She even talked in a humiliating way that “it was small” and “he couldn’t erect, so I didn’t feel attractive enough for him”. I tried to stay calm successfully. My D- size is on the smaller side, just below average and it bothers me after she talked like that. Even though she enjoyed back at the time. I’m unsure whether she faked it or not. Second thing that bothers me, the fact she “tested” me out before having relationship. Because of her “approval”, that’s one of the factors she decided to buy the flight ticket and I assume to “have more”. Funny thing though, she totally hate it when she felt being “tested” and “manipulated”. Hypocrisy isn’t it? She also told that she had more than four bedpartners. Those were in times when she was single. I was totally surprised because whenever I talk about sexuality and “my desires”. She tends to avoid. On the other side, she is quite open for having multiple bedpartners. And how on earth can you be with people that easily when you have APD. Overall, I’m really confused about everything. I feel I cannot trust her 100% but also can’t let her go. Can someone give me any advice how to deal with her hypocrisy, trust and APD.
  23. After nearly four years together, my relationship with my girlfriend has come to a mutual end. Both of us had met spontaneously one night and shared an immediate attraction for one another. We traveled for two weeks shortly after meeting and moved in together at six months. We were different people in many ways but our goals were the same, and we were in love. Of course, we didn't always see eye to eye and arguments would occasionally break out; we've had some pretty bad fights but found away to work through them and move forward. Despite some of our setbacks, we worked well together, overall. It wasn't long before we began to achieve some of our personal goals and were growing in most areas of our lives. However, even though things were mostly improving, we both couldn't ignore some of the underlying issues with depression and stress(on both our ends). Everyone gets hit with the occasional blues, but she has it bit more severe. I've always done what I could to support her, but approaching this can be very difficult. She had sought professional help in the past but wasn't satisfied with it, so we mushed on hoping that we could work through it. A heavy work load with a busy schedule didn't help, and neither did the irritation of the daily, tedious grind. We were both in the process of "finding" ourselves and looking for what we thought could be a better standard of living. Once we finally started moving in that direction, we somehow slowly grew apart. I'm not exactly sure what caused this gradual distancing but it was happening and I found myself having to put in more effort to bridge the gap. As time went on, we felt even more worn out than before and honestly, just bored. We moved to a new city one year ago, and knew no one. A fresh start (for the third time) in a quieter city, away from the rat race and a chance to work on us as a couple. It was exciting at first but a gradual routine kicked in. After a couple of months we found ourselves feeling lonely. It was quite the drive to get to family and friends and my girlfriend doesn't have any friends at all. If we had any arguments, she literally had no one to talk or vent to other than a co-worker. Those feelings of loneliness, irritation, resentment and depression were starting to kick in for both of us. As this began to happen I was suddenly laid off of work and the pandemic began a few weeks later. We were now forced to stay in our little apartment almost all of the time unless she was at work. We made our attempts to make the best of the situation, but it didn't take long for things to go south. Too much tension had built up with little desire left to do anything about it. As a result, we had the inevitable conversation about ending the relationship. Even though this relationship is over, I don't want to think of it as a failure. We both grew as people and will walk away better off in most areas than we were when we first met. I suppose we were just better at the partnership aspect of the relationship more than anything else. We've given each other time to find a place and are working together to ease the transition. I'm happy that we're able to be civil and understanding but I can't help but think of the day when she drives off, or the first day that I settle into my new home, alone, without waking up to her or having our morning coffee together. I'm not even sure why i'm writing this. I guess I just needed to get it out. Any thoughts on this or related experiences? Thanks for reading.
  24. I have an ex girlfriend who I dated many years ago. I know that before I met her she was in a physically abusive relationship. I know her mother abandoned her when she was a kid and she has low self esteem, despite being very good-looking. I've always stayed in touch with her. At some point she got into a new relationship. At first I was happy for her, she wanted to settle down and have kids (something I didn't want at the time) and the new guy looked simple and down to earth. From a small village, normal job, comes from a big family, looked stable. Quickly moved in with her. I hoped for her she found ‘that guy’. But 1,5 years into their relationship she starts complaining that they fight a lot, and can't agree on anything about their future, kids, etc. Mostly on where to live, he wants country side, she wants city live. She eventually moves to a bigger city a couple hours away, on her own. Says she considers herself single again, because other things were also not great with him. I was happy for her she stood up for herself and took control of her life if she was unhappy. But for some reason she slides back into the relationship, him now staying with her half of the week sometimes. She says he kind of accepted her move but hopes she would at some point change her mind and come back to the country side. A few months later she asks me if a man can stop having any sexual desire for a woman but still say he loves her? She's in the situation now where he still sometimes stays with her but they behave like brother and sister. She feels rejected and insecure. That he destroys her self esteem. She complains that it even changed her way she behaves around other people. She also for some reason thinks she herself is to blame for all this. She says they fight a lot and she's constantly mad with him and maybe it’s her causing all this. That it’s her that’s the problem. That he sometimes sleeps at a hotel because they argue too much and she refuses to stay with him. That for her it’s really over, no matter how hard he tries. She says that she broke up with him many times already, but he just won't let her go. At the same time she describes him as a little spoiled but pretty down to earth, a nice person and quite sensitive. His parents adore him. It's hard for me to understand what's really going on here. The next year and a half they continue the cycle of breaking up and getting together repeatedly. She would say she calls him her ex, but he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And she would always slide back into the relationship eventually. He simply ignores the fact they broke up and keeps acting like they are still together. A few months ago, she was 'single' again and this time it was for real. She even invited me to come see her (she lives in a different country) and possibly get together again. It also felt like she needed a rebound? We got flirty again and I actually started to feel butterflies for her a bit again. Boyfriend seemed finally gone. But in the weeks leading up to us meeting (first convenient moment to travel was six weeks ahead) she started talking about her ex again: - that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she's at work to 'check if there's still pictures of them' and he would leave her a message. - that he brought her flowers - that he took her to the airport - that his father is ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it. - that she can't be y to him after all he did for her. - that she felt 'afraid' to slip back into the relationship again, because this is how it always goes: he just keeps acting like they are still together - that he asked her to stay with her in her house for one month because of a new job in her city and that she feels like she can't refuse it because he still pays part of her rent. I told her she was being very naif and asked how come she doesn’t see he's acting creepy and is just weaselling his way back to her? She then sends me a picture showing a big cut in her nose. Saying it was an accident at the gym. Eventually we meet but it was a big disaster. She kept picking random fights out of nothing, felt she was deliberately sabotaging our weekend. Then blames me for ruining the ‘chance’ she gave me/us. I left hurt and confused and tried to talk to her about what happened. She tells me that I should leave her alone and she's back with her ex: that she wants to give another chance to 'the person who has been there for her the past years' and then she blocked me. How must I interpret all this? Did they never really break up and was everything a lie? Or is she in an abusive relationship all this time? But then why would she still have me visit her eventually? Was this another failed attempt to get away from him? Should I be worried? Is there a moral obligation to take action? And what can/should I do? What’s going on here? I can’t ask her anymore as she broke off all contact. Thanks in advance.
  25. Sorry for the long rambling post. I'm begining to feel as though my boyfriend isn't completely over his ex. He has a very complicated relationship with his ex. His baby mama. I understand they need to be in contact as they have babies together but i sometimes feel as though it may be more than that. I know he loves me and he treats me well but he has a very intense love/hate kind of thing going on with her. I dont think anything has ever happened between them and i dont really believe that he would want it to but i can't get my head around it all. One minute they will be at eachothers throats having some of the worst arguments i have ever known, yesterdays involved him calling her deluded, crazy and saying he wishes he had never had the children with her, he gets so mad, frustrated and filled with hate towards her but then the next minute they are apologising and laughing and joking with eachother. From what i can tell she is usually the one to cause the fights and also the one to end them by apologising. Yesterday was different, he was the angriest i had seen him towards her and then he just stopped. She blew up his phone still raving at him but he ignored it and apologised for what he had said and agreed he had alot of work to do to make things right. He even gave her his new phone number that he has had since december and previously refused to give her and unblocked and her back onto his snapchat. Until then she could only contact him through facebook messenger and they aren't friends om facebook, just contacts on messenger. I know the arguments are usually about me as she has made it clear how she feels about me but i do feel bad as this time it caused a real issue. It wasnt anything i had done but my nan died the night before last and so he was busy comforting me when she asked him to watch the eldest child so she could take the youngest to the hospital. Obviously we live in a different house to her and the children so he said he couldnt and said it was because of the lockdown. She saw through this as she knew my nan had died, she is friends with another member of my family. Obviously got angry and ww3 began. The child turned out to be fine but she didnt tell him this until long after the arguing had stopped. Whether she knew before then or not i don't know. I know there is a fine line between love and hate and i am wondering if he is walking it. I don't think he even realises it himself. Yesterdays fight seemed different to any others he has told me about. If i am with him at the time he reads out her messages and tells me his replies. The way he spoke to and about her, he seemed as though he really hated her. But then just like a switch had been flipped he stopped and apologised. I have never known him to apologise after an argument, especially not with her. I feel as though i am being very paranoid and coming across as very insecure about her but i'm not. I know he loves and wants to be with me, he has made that clear to her. But i wonder if deep down he feels something for her still and hasn't even admitted it to himself
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