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About Me

  1. I decided to start this as a place to park my hodgepodge of thoughts and what's going on in my life. Had a great Easter yesterday- I had to drive a few hours to the airport to pick my son up from his trip to France and Spain. He had a great time and it seems like he grew up over night! It was so great to have both boys home and with me. Since I had them for Easter, I asked them what kind of meal they wanted and I went and bought the groceries for a nice Easter dinner. Then I get a text from my ex, saying his mom and dad are inviting me and the boys to Easter brunch at their house. Well I didn't really want to go because my ex and his gf would be there. But the boys wanted to go and they wanted me to come. So I told them I would drop them off, pop in to say hi to friends and ex's family, then pick them up later. It took a lot of courage. But Despite that, I actually had fun! My ex and his gf sat on the other side of the room, although at one point his gf complemented a necklace I was wearing. It was fun to catch up with people I essentially have not seen in 4 years since the breakup. Oh the things I do for my sons... Well afterwards I made that nice dinner and we had it by candle light- just before I had to take them to their dad's for the week.
  2. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
  3. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. They gave me a reason that they cared about me and the relationship, but not as much as I did. To give a bit more context is that they were already going through a rough period in their life before they called off the relationship. I asked them what are some boundaries that they would like from me during the break up and they said to not contact them and they would be the one to contact me, I could however call them if I was in an emergency situation. For the rest of that month, I didn't really feel bad about the break up. After 30 days of no contact, I started to feel anxious like the whole break up just finally hit me. It really hurt after seeing them post pictures on their social media stories of them smiling. I was envious of that since I miss being able to see that all the time. So realizing that I unfollowed them from all my social medias (pictures from my phone). The pain was still there and with this being my first relationship ever I didn't know how to grieve during this time (like I'm already working out) and I'm still in that process. So in a moment of weakness, I sent out DM on instagram saying something positive like, "Hey I just wanted to say I hope you're doing good". They saw it and didn't respond. I didn't realize at first since I'm so emotional that I had appeared desperate and was most likely annoying them. A few days had passed, I was still in a bad spot that I had 3 similar nightmares, yet different endings. I had a panic attack, so I reached out to them again, "Hey is it possible for me to talk to my friend today? I do need help." This time they did respond back letting me know that they were sorry, but they were still in a bad spot mentally and could not be of any help. I sent back pretty much that I understood and would not have reached out if it wasn't important, but did not want to make their headspace any worse and wanted to see if we could try to talk soon or plan on talking at a more reasonable time. Later on, I saw that the message was read and CONTINUE to make the same mistake by letting them know that I was going back to leaving them alone but said if they could reach out when they can to please do so because it was important. Then yesterday, I have realize how much desperate I was coming off even if my intentions were coming from a good spot. I was still desperate, need more time to heal, and threw away any of my dignity in front of them. I don't know why this made sense to me, but that same day (yesterday) I sent out one last text and it just said, "Hey sorry for the last few days. Things have just been emotional on top of this breakup and I lashed out. Hope you're doing better." I deleted their number because in the last few days, I have been understanding more and more from their view points on how this relationship came to an end. While they needed time and space because of their personally life. I had become very anxious about their well-being, and was over-stepping in the relationship like trying to fix everything, even though they didn't ask for help or not giving them the appropriate space they needed (during and after the relationship). I've been meeting with my therapist and I have a lot of healing and maturing to do. So I'm extending my part of the no-contact from 30 days to at least a year if not indefinite. I know I'm gonna be able to get to the point where I can see my life without them again and be happy. I'm not at that stage yet, but I want to be at the point where I could be happy whether or not if they come back (friends or anything). I just want to know so I can learn for future relationship or even this one if they decided to forgive me for my overbearingness, do you guys think that while I'm focusing on myself that they could forgive me or even reach out again?
  4. I've been in my relationship for 7 years and help raised a child,(now at age 9),my girlfriends ex just recently got out of prison after 9 years,my gf is now in touch with him by means of visiting, texting and hiding this from me,I found out about it and confronted her with proof and she denied all,I'm 56 of age,to old to deal with b/s and lies, any helpful advice would be appreciated
  5. Hey all, I'm writing so as to get some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I met my "ex" (we didn't get to call ourselves bf/gf) about two years ago. We work together and it took us a while to hook up. She was in a relationship were she was being heavily manipulated and it took her a long while and a lot of therapy to finally get herself rid from her ex. Once this relationship was over, we started going out. We dated for around 6 months and everything was going perfect. Out of the blue, she told me she wanted to talk with me and explained that she liked everything about me but that she felt that after her previous relationship she didn't have time for herself. We discussed about what the best course of action could be, she mentioned she was not feeling right to be in a relationship with me but she wasn't sure that she wanted to break up either. I offered her to take some time apart but she didn't feel that was right since she would feel guilty if she felt I was waiting for her to give me some kind of feedback, as she wasn't exactly sure about how she was feeling. I suggested we break up and that was it. It was amicable and I went straight into LC (meaning I'll only talk work with her or discuss whatever topic is at hand whenever we have lunch with the team; we do have lunch together every weekday). After the break up I was devastated but pulled the little energy I had to make it seem in our lunches as if I was OK. The first few weeks she'd try to fight with me about anything and I would just divert the talking to anything else to avoid confrontation. When we broke up, she did mention I was no regular guy and that said she was doing everything so as to take care of the relationship we had; she didn't want to ruin it because of her doubts. Her attitude these first two weeks was very contradictory. Moving forward, the relationship got better and she stopped trying to pick fights with me. At around the 4th week mark, I called her and just asked how she was feeling about the whole break up thing and did mention that it had been a rough time for me as she had given me no clear reason to break up in first place. I did ask her to break my heart if she had to and be honest, be it she didn't like me anymore, had no more feelings or anything. She denied everything and mentioned that she did have feelings for me, she did like me and would have a great time with me, but that she felt that we were ready to be bf/gf and she was not yet ready for that, as her previous experience had been too rough and was just not ready to start a new relationship. I said it was OK and thanked her for the time to talk, went straight back to the same LC I previously mentioned. That was 2 weeks ago. Everything went on fine and I've started to feel better myself, I think it might actually be showing since I'm in a better mood generally speaking and doing fine. However, what's killing me right now is that for the past 3 days she's been trying really hard to avoid me. Not just that, she's trying to make me notice that she's avoiding me. We'll be in meeting rooms where there's just 3 of us and she will just rotate her chair and make me face her back. She is now trying to contradict what I say again and it's becoming a pain. I'm trying to keep everything as professional as possible as that's the right thing to do. While I'm focused in moving on, this is also a relationship I don't want to completely discard and make moves that might push her far away. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. Shall I ignore her bad attitude as I'm doing and show indifference? Shall I confront her about it? Why might she be behaving in this way towards me? Just in case you even think about it, I did not beg, cry, became needy or anything. I've learnt this from my past relationship and refrained from doing anything of the sort even though my brain wanted me to do so.
  6. Trust me, in my case I'm not expecting it, but I've wondered this. My ex said she'd 'closed the door' on me. Personally, I've never been the one to end a relationship, so I've always wondered how people can just say I'm done with you for life. My ex did eventually contact me, but in the end, I really don't know why. There was some reminising, talk of having missed me, our dinner meet - which she initiated went great, but she went ice cold the following day. I'll never know what happened. Anyway, I guess my question is just, how do some people just decide - I'm done with you.
  7. I used to date this guy, who I still have crazy feelings for. I'll give a detailed background on what our relationship was like. So I had a crush on him initially, and I confessed to him, and he accepted it, and initially, it was so sweet, we really got along, had similar life ambitions, and just in general, the relationship was really smooth, we contacted each other a lot, it was amazing, I was really happy. Then slowly, he started taking longer while responding to my texts, sometimes 2 days sometimes 3, I was tired of being the only one putting in all the effort and I had a lot on my plate as well, with regards to extra curricular activities, and everything, and so we mutually agreed to break up. Around few weeks later, after I was done with all my work, he contacted me and asked me if we could call. We called and talked for 5 hours straight, and all my old feelings came back to me. We called each other the next day, and we sang songs to each other, it was just amazing. Then a few days later he tells me, "I've been trying not to date people much, but I feel like Im falling in love with you, and you're the first girl I've decided to date in 2 years, what should I do?" I was obviously really happy at that, and I confessed back too, then he asked me out, and we started dating. This time we dated longer than we did in the past, and I swear to god, I was the happiest I've ever been till date. He'd even sacrifice his sleep for me, if I'd been busy, I'd tell him, "I'll be done at this time" he'd come at that time, and we'd talk for hours and hours. We both would sacrifice our sleep, mealtimes, etc just so we could talk, and that'd be my joy everyday. I actually have hormonal issues, so I get terrible mood swings sometimes, so I shouted at him twice for doing nothing at all. But he was still patient with me, and kept saying "sorry" even when he did nothing wrong. Once we were playing a game, and we lost consecutively 5 times, because of me, and he told me "you don't know anything about this game at all, you should do this in this situation and that in that situation" but I was mentally on a low at that time, so I didn't even accept anything he said, and told him, "you're being really mean to me" when he wasn't even being mean, and then he got mad too, and said "oh i am being mean? you told me you don't want to play this game, and you're playing just to spend time with me, but honestly it's a burden, because we are losing just because of you, you're not fun at all, you should just stop playing this game." I was really sad :(( and i told him that, then he said "im really sorry". I dont know why, but I kept trying to put in so much effort after that fight, he stopped making time for me, but I still kept sacrificing like before, so that our relationship works out, but it looked like he was already tired of me, he slowly went back to not replying for days and days, and when i told him that he just said "im sorry" when I asked him to break up with me, he just said "im sorry". I was really really sad about it and wanted the pain to end, so I left him a long message, telling him, how someone else could have treated me better, and saying stuff like, "I hope we don't talk again, you have hurt me so much" and blocked him on all socials. After three weeks, I found out that he got one of my socials from my friend, and told me, "i am sorry about what I did, please unblock me so that we can talk" he sounded really desperate and told me he was looking for me for a long time, and wanted to apologize for everything, and I apologized to him for everything I said too. Again, at the start we were talking a lot, and everything, he even told me personal things. I was kind of shocked when he told me about his sex drive, and how it being abnormally high bothered him, but I thought maybe he really trusted me as a friend and he said it, so I told him to consult a doctor, then he did, and then he took my suggestions for stuff like what he should gift his mom for her birthday, it was happy. But now again, he has gone back to not responding to me, like before, and I'm sorry, but I still have feelings for him, and I really really want to know, if it is worth investing any more time, into this. Yesterday I told him, "Please reject me so that I can move on" but he hasn't responded to that message yet, and I don't know how long he is going to take this time, maybe even a month. I just want to know if it is worth continuing to love him and wait for him to come back again, or should I just stop all contact with him for a few months and let this go. I have never felt this way about anyone before, so I am really in a mental turmoil because of this. I am so sorry this ended up being so long ╥ _ ╥
  8. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  9. Hi Folks, I thought I'd write up some tips on how to cope with finding out your ex-partner cheated on you and then left you for that person. My 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended last April. He emotionally cheated on me with a married woman and then left me for her. To my knowledge they are currently in a committed relationship but keeping it a secret. This forum has been supportive to me and is filled with amazing people who give spectacular advice, but I thought it would be fun to write a post to address almost everything that I wish I knew 3 months ago but didn't know at the time. I truly hope this helps someone struggling with a breakup that involves the ex cheating and leaving you or immediately rebounding. I'd love feedback and discussion! Also, forgive me for my writing style. It's a work in progress. 1. Cheating is wrong!!! You may notice that after cheating, your ex may justify it, talk about the issues in the relationship that LED TO the cheating, and ultimately minimize what happened. There are no excuses for cheating. Cheating is a choice. People do not magically cheat, it does not JUST HAPPEN, your partner chose to cheat on you and lie to you about it. Accept that and any time your ex tries to blame relationship issues on cheating then cut them off and move on. If you want to discuss the relationship issues, that's cool, but NEVER allow your ex to blame you for cheating. Even if your relationship was pretty bad towards the end, there are other options than just cheating. 2. React to the pain you feel about the cheating. There is a trend I've seen with some posters on this forum. People who come back regretting not getting angry, not saying how they feel, not saying how badly they hurt, etc. You have been hurt. If you want to react, and if you found out about the cheating in the last couple of weeks (DO NOT do this if it's been more than a month and your ex is not reaching out to you) then go for it. React! Be angry and be careful about what words you choose to use since they will be held against you. Here's a snippet of what I said to my ex, " I love you so much, I thought you were the man I was going to marry. I'm shocked that you did this to me. You hurt me more deeply than I can imagine. Yes, we had some problems in our relationship but I was happy to work them out with you. Instead you chose to cheat and hurt me. You DO NOT deserve to be in my life for these selfish actions. I am so angry at the ways you have hurt me and will never understand... blah blah.[/i]" You get the drift. Say what you like but strive to be the bigger, better person. Don't say things you will regret or that will be taken out of context. If possible write an email. Do not talk on the phone or in person since your ex will likely spin everything you say and you'll end up not making the point you want to make. 3. Be honest about your feelings. After the breakup I told my ex that I loved him more than anyone, I'm disappointed in him, I thought he was better than this, that I wasn't perfect but I still didn't deserve this pain. I was honest about how short-lived this new relationship likely will last and told him that he broke my heart. I have ALWAYS been honest with him. I did not play games, try to act like I was moving on or that things were cool between us. However, I didn't beg for him back and toss out my self-respect. Be honest. If your ex treated you like trash then say it. If you want to add that you thought your ex was the love of your life, then go for it. This is your time to be honest about how you feel and trust me, if you do it months later, it will be awkward, petty and you'll feel ridiculous. Get it out now and move on. There's no going back at this point. The later you do this, the more ridiculous you will sound. 3. Go No Contact (NC)!!! Alright, you found out about the cheating, vented, heard him/her out. Go NC. Go NC immediately. There's nothing else to say or do. I believed that my ex might snap out of it, he'd come back begging with sweet and sincere actions, that he'd cut her off and finally focus on me. Well that did NOT happen. What did happen? Random 6 page emails saying how much he loved and missed me and how much he was hurting, he showed up at my job randomly with a gift while the other woman was visiting him, he begged me to come and see him, he sent me texts and emails saying he was thinking, loving and missing me. But this meant NOTHING. He showed no remorse over his actions and ultimately thought cheating and leaving me was the best decision. I kept in contact with him cause I thought he would see the light. He did NOT and now I've deterred MY healing. Please DO NOT make my mistake. I am talking to a few people in this forum who have made this exact mistake and regret it. Go NC. Get your dignity and self-respect back. Your ex WILL NOT know what he lost until you are gone for however many months or years it takes. Sad, but true. 4. Scream, cry, weep and do it all over again. Being cheated and left for someone else is one of the worst things a partner can do to someone. You will feel pain. Most likely this will be the worst emotional pain you have ever endured. Feel that pain. Take some sick days from work and school. Stay home and cry. Invite a friend over and cry with them. Get all the feelings out and cry. You will be in quite a bit of pain for a few weeks or months past this point, so the best way to learn how to cope with the pain is to accept that this pain is a normal part of the healing process. The more you ignore the pain, the harder it will be for you to cope in the future. 5. NC does not make your ex forget you. During the beginning of NC you will have intense fears that NC will make your ex think that you don't care and they will slowly forget you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an accurate quote when it comes to love. If your ex had any feelings for you, then they will miss you. Every ex I have ever had, I still think about. I do not just forget people. It doesn't matter who dumped who, if the breakup was bad, if the relationship was bad or whatever. I did not forget them and again, many of my exes I have not spoken with in years. I still think about an ex that I knew for 6 months and haven't talked to in about 4 years with the exception of 2 random emails, the last one which he ignored. Again, if there were any strong feelings, NC will only make them miss you AND will make them contemplate if leaving you was the best decision for them. I have exes who I haven't spoke to in over a year who can still remember details of our time together that I had completely forgotten. 6. Do not rationalize with your ex and think you can change his/her mind. After you cried endlessly you may start imagining movies where someone goes running back to their exes and having a 2 minute dialogue about how they can make this work, and then bam, they sail off into the wind. I DO REGRET thinking for a second I could change my ex-boyfriend's mind. What I've learned from infidelity forums and articles about cheating and people who leave you for someone else, is that in their mind they have rationalized it. Does it make it rational, sound, a good idea? Hell no! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, no matter how bad the situation may seem. But unfortunately for us, our exes have rationalized this in their mind. This does not mean they may not change their mind. But seriously, if your ex implies this was the right decision for them then by all means believe that your ex believes it. Your ex may be in denial, lying to themselves and everyone around them, or not thinking straight but your ex believes it. No amount of arguing will change their mind. No amount of getting your friends and family to talk to your ex will change their minds. Your ex has made up their mind and will learn the hard way what cheating truly results in. You know the truth, you know how messed up this all is, and that's all you can be concerned about. You may want your ex to hear your side, but trust me, it wont change a thing. I know you are probably reading this and thinking BUT, or how you are the exception and can make your ex see reason, etc. Well here's a reality check. You wont. Your ex can only come to that conclusion on their own. 7. Do not feel guilty for wanting your cheating ex back initially. We have all been there. Just like your ex rationalized cheating on you, you will rationalize being with your ex. All of a sudden your relationship will seem "perfect", you'll minimize red flags, your ex will become this sad, hurt and cute animal that you must save and you will convince yourself that life cannot go on without your ex. This is normal for the first couple of months after the incident. Eventually, with the use of NC, these feelings will fade. You'll see your ex as a person and not a timeless piece of love and erotica. Eventually you'll see his/her flaws, feel more disgusted at the thought of being with them and the moments where you miss their presence will gradually fade. Just remember these feelings are 100% normal. 8. Try to stop the self-blame. Whatever happens, this was NOT your fault. Couples with issues talk about it and work things out. It's not your fault your ex DID NOT communicate these issues to you. During the last month my ex and I were together, I remember many moments of me holding him and asking him how he felt about "us". He looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead and said we were better together, how he wanted to marry me, how I was the one for him while secretly plotting to meet up with this other woman. I don't know if it's denial on their parts or if they are just lying to themselves and us, but DO NOT dwell on the what if's and the problems you had in your relationship. Every relationship has problems. A mature and loving partner works through it, gives it a fighting chance, and doesn't just run at the first spark of danger. 9. Be prepared to build new and stronger friendships and cut out quite a few people in your life. One of the hardest things was dealing with the aftermath of my ex telling people why we broke up. Your ex will likely not paint you out in a sweet manner to family and friends. Lies will be told, truths exaggerated, things will be taken out of context. My ex, for instance, told people that I disliked him which is why he found himself attracted to another woman. He said this because at one point I told him I found ONE thing he did as annoying, during a discussion where he was pointing out my flaws. I've always liked and loved my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, all these mistruths and lies painted me out negatively. As a result, a few people who I thought were friends de-friended me. Obviously speaking with his family, who I adore, was not an option. Use this period to make new and lasting friendships. If someone doesn't believe you, CUT THEM OFF and move on. Life is too short to be around people who want to paint you out as the bad guy. 10. Please be patient with yourself. It's hard when your ex SEEMS to be moving on and having a wonderful life while you sit around pining for the person you were in love with. It's hard to be open to dating. Your friends may tell you to move on, your ex is a jerk, get over it, it'll get better everyday. Sorry but that's not true. Over time things will get better but the next couple of months, with NC (you will only hurt yourself by talking to your ex) will be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you'll think you are over your ex and the next day you'll be in tears wishing he/she was lying next to you in bed. Everything takes time. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to feel better. You will feel better when you feel better. Now I've resigned myself to keep improving my life and reminding myself that everything is still fresh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. Just keep moving forward. Take it slow and be patient. 11. Slowly accept that the relationship you thought you had is gone. It is completely over. Even if you get back together with your ex, it will be different and new again. It's okay to miss the old times and to become nostalgic but eventually you need to accept that what you had is over. Just like other relationships in life, it's time to say goodbye and look towards the future. 12. You are not replaceable. Right after the breakup, I kept wondering how he could replace me. The truth is, people are not replaceable. The bond you create with someone is special and meaningful. If that was not the case, humans could fall in love with any random stranger in any given moment. Infidelity brings out our greatest insecurities. It's normal to exaggerate your flaws and wonder what is wrong with you. After finding out about the infidelity I wondered if I should have been more cuddly or if he wouldn't have cheated if I'd spent less time asking him what he wants for dinner. Silly, right? Well those were thoughts I was CONSUMED by right after I found out. It's normal and take this time to battle those thoughts. Utilize therapy, friends, family, ENA and whoever else to build up your self-confidence and see that you are a special person that cannot be replaced. Yes, you have flaws but everyone has flaws, including your ex. 13. Stop comparing yourself to the new person. Initially, you will hate the other woman or man. That's a normal feeling that may never go away. However, stop judging yourself. Believing your shortness isn't attractive because your ex chose to sleep with a woman who is taller is downright silly. Constantly needing your friends to tell you that you are a better, more attractive catch is also tedious and a waste of time. I will say this. Most people who cheat, usually downgrade. They have chosen a partner who is okay with lying, cheating and is selfish enough to help destroy a long term relationship. They have chosen a partner who only cares about their feelings over YOURS, the hurt person who has been cheated on. And if this person who they cheated with is your friend, coworker or someone who knows you, then that is even more disrespectful. So trust me, your ex downgraded on that fact alone. Other than that don't compare. You'll drive yourself crazy. I have seen people wonder if they are a good catch just because their partner cheated and these are women and men who are very attractive, successful and wonderful people. Your ex likely chose the new person because they filled a void, NOT because they are hotter, more successful and overall a better catch. 14. Your ex is thinking about you and misses you. A common worry to the dumpee is that the other person simply forgot them. That's not how the human brain works. Who have you personally forgotten that easily? If you spend months and years with someone you just don't forget that person. I mean there was even a whole movie on this subject, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Your ex thinks about you and misses you. That's where the infamous breadcrumbs come from. I once had a guy dump me and stop talking to me for months. A year after the breakup, his new girlfriend told me he talked about me quite a bit and regretted losing me. I had absolutely no idea. Just remember that unless you were dating a heartless sociopath, that person is likely thinking and missing you in their own way. 15. Be realistic about the relationship you had. After you've been in NC for a few weeks, it's time to reflect the relationship. Was it really all that great? Were you actually happy? Are you a good match? This process will take months. At first you may believe you were perfect together, later you may believe the relationship was mostly good, then you'll identify the red flags, see even more red flags, feel disgusted by that person and realize the relationship wasn't all that wonderful in the first place. Again this will take weeks or months to process and fully accept. 16. Don't dwell on whether the relationship with the new person works out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Let's say your ex and the new partner break up. How would you feel if your ex goes on a dating site immediately or gets a new partner? What if they don't contact you after the relationship blows up in their faces? Will you continue to put your life on hold wondering who your ex is dating? There will be many people who will say the relationship will not work out. Here's the truth. It's unlikely to work out, but there's a chance it will work out. You will only hurt yourself counting the days and months till the new relationship fails. Statistically most relationships fail but you can't use that as a sole indicator of what will happen. Just like it's unlikely you'll get in a car accident after work today, it does happen to some people. Do yourself a favor and don't assume the relationship will work or wont work out. Again, you will cause yourself more pain. Also, for the record, there are stories of people who are with the person they cheated with for years until a breakup or divorce happens. And then that person tries to get back with the person they cheated on. Do you want to wait years? Would you really want to be with a cheating partner who requires years of being with someone else to realize they want you? These are all things to think about. 17. Don't get caught up on the karma bus. Just like my last comment, it's likely that karma will occur. People who treat others with disrespect tend to have bad things happen to them eventually. The truth is you may not see it. An even sadder truth is that it may not happen. Honestly, everyone has bad luck. I don't know anyone who just has a wonderful happy, carefree life all the time. I'm sure your ex will hit some bad luck soon enough. Eventually you'll need to be the bigger person and not wish harm upon someone else. I'm at a stage where I don't wish misery on my ex but I do want him to really reflect on his actions and learn from them. Instead of wishing for karma, wish that your ex becomes a better person and owns up to their mistakes. 18. Stop focusing on whether your ex will change. Trust me, they very rarely do. If a cheating partner TRULY changes, they will apologize to you for hurting you. Every person who has hurt me AND changed, eventually came back and apologized for their actions. This doesn't mean we have to be together, be friends or be part of each other's lives, but it does show a huge step of maturity for them. If your ex never apologizes nor shows remorse for hurting you sometime far in the future, then assume they haven't changed. Cheaters rarely change. But when and if they do, they'll own up to it and at least give an apology and try to make amends. 19. People don't forget the way you treated them. If you were truly a wonderful partner, then your ex will always remember that. I treated my ex like a king, and no matter what he thinks or does, I know when he looks back at our relationship, I'll always be the woman who did X, Y and Z. I'm always proud of that. I want to leave good imprints in people's lives. You should focus on doing the same. Whatever happens always be the bigger and better person with your ex. Don't spread rumors. Don't tell everyone and their friends what happened just to make people hate your ex. Don't get revenge. Don't use people by having random sex and breaking hearts along the way. This is how wonderful, nice, and decent people become jerks themselves. 20. The world is bigger than this. Many of us, myself included, believe their world is destroyed because of the infidelity. All of a sudden everyone seems evil, unworthy of trust and we question what the point of having a relationship is all about. Some of these feelings are normal during the beginning of a breakup but long-term this is a big problem. Remember that as bad as infidelity and breakups are, the world is full of people suffering in many other ways. There are beautiful relationships and marriages that have trust, respect and communication. And sometimes, this is just another obstacle we have to overcome. Remember that no matter how you feel, the world is bigger than this, much bigger. Don't let someone disrespecting and hurting you change your views on humanity and love. 21. Do not respond to breadcrumbs and most importantly do NOT give your ex the light of day until they apologize. This is a specific situation where an apology is NEEDED since your ex betrayed you and hurt you deeply. Breaking up can be a good thing for a couple but once cheating has occurred, that needs to be apologized for. My ex has NEVER apologized to me for cheating. He will cry and say he's broken hearted but NEVER say he's sorry for cheating on me. Until an ex apologizes for cheating, then there is no room for anything else. Go NC and stick with it. If your ex comes to his.her senses, and hopefully they will, they will apologize. Even if the ex and the other person work out and sail into the stars, if your ex truly changes then they will own up and apologize. 22. You do deserve better. Hundreds of people will say this to you but the meaning remains the same. You deserve better than cheating. Don't forget that.
  10. Ok, long story short, I met a guy 4 years ago, fell deeply in love with him, in a way I never did with anyone. Not even my ex from last year, which was the only guy I ever loved made me feel this way initially. With this guy, it was instant, for some reason I fell hard for him. At the time we met, I had just ended a 3 year relationship because I no longer loved my ex. During the span of 9 months, we were on and off, because everytime he'd show up, I could never say no, and the next day he would disappear. This went on and on, I would get all my hopes up and then disappoint myself. After 9 months, I got tired of putting up with this nonsense and "broke up" with him. After a while I got in a relationship with someone else, and right after, he started messaging me. I ignored him during all these years because I was commited to someone else. I thought: Ok, now that I'm with someone else you want me? Well fast forward this month, I saw him in a bar near where we live (we live in the same condo, 2 min away), and he came up to me and we started talking. He apologized for making me feel bad in the past, that he was afraid of getting involved because I had just gotten out of a relationship, that he did actually like me but was afraid of me getting back with my ex and him getting hurt. I told him my version and we both apologized. He told he should've never let me go, that I was amazing and that he wanted to go out with me again and see how things go this time. Well, few days later we started talking and he asked me out. We went for a drink, talked, laughed, kissed and he was more amazing than ever. That day on the bar, everything came back. I thought I was over him, for years I didn't even think of him the same way, nor cared about what he was doing, and all of sudden all I wanted was him again. The night was amazing, he was so sweet to me, and on the way home he said he wished the night lasted longer and that he wanted to see me this week still. He even made a joke saying "ok, see you in 3 months" making a reference to when that happened between us. I got out of the car almost jumping of happiness thinking "ok, this time nothing can get in our way"... well, he disappeared again. He sent me a text the next day saying he was hungover and that was all. No texts, no asking anything... I feel so stupid and confused. Why did he say all that if he wanted nothing? Why after 4 years we meet again and he apologizes and asks me out again only to do the same thing all over again? This time, I'm not "just out of a relationship" so what's the excuse? I don't mind us never going out again, I just don't understand why say all those things like he's really interested, go to all this trouble knowing that we had a confusing past only to end in nothing again. All I wanted was him, I wish I didn't, but all I think about is being with him again.
  11. Ex-boyfriend broke up with me and lately, I feel like I've been the one who has been pushing for us meeting up. There have been some slightly positive signs of either friendliness or reconciling, we've been speaking on the phone for an hour (something we never used to do) a few times, checking in with each other over Christmas/nye and a few texts here and there. But he's happy to catch up but doesn't want to talk about us as he feels it'll drag things out/rehash things. "I was reluctant before because as I've said a few times it just feels like we'll be rehasing things again and drawing things out" We caught up over a month ago now and he wanted to see me again but I texted him afterwards saying that it was probably too painful for me to continue doing this and he agreed, implied that it was as painful for him as well. What's your take on this?
  12. I can’t go into too much detail as I know the person in question uses this website, he actually recommended it to me a couple of years ago, not that he would remember because he was always on drugs when we would meet up. I’ve never posted on here but I’ve always read other people’s stories and got advice for myself, I have come across what I believe to be the person in question and I have just read his posts talking about his ex girlfriend that he was so in love with, before we met up and after we had met up, slept together, and continued doing so! I’m totally over all of that, it’s just hurtful to know you were used, especially when things happened during that time, like a pregnancy scare, I was only 19 / 20 at the time, so obviously a big deal to me. To be honest i shouldn’t have put up with how he treated me, we weren’t anything but ‘friends’ with benefits, minus the friends part, so I suppose he didn’t owe me anything. But his behaviour was disgusting, and I just hope it was only me he treated that way, and that no other girl had to feel so hurt and frustrated. Every girl has that one person that makes them go a bit psycho and he was mine, I was infatuated with him and in reality he was just off his face, sleeping with me and probably not even remembering in the morning, he would never talk to me sober, when I thought I was pregnant all he did was talk about an abortion, he answered the phone to one of his ex’s whilst I sat naked in his bed once! He wouldn’t even see me to the door in the morning he’d say ‘you know where the door is’ let alone offer me a lift home! - that’s just a handful of the awfulness. Since reading the posts, all I keep thinking is that I’m worthless. Like I said I’m over what happened and I have no feelings for this person, I never really did I just thought I did. I have a family now and i couldn’t ask for anything more, but I can’t get this out of my head, it’s making me feel really insecure! I feel guilty for it bothering me because I shouldn’t be thinking about him or anything that happened, but I can’t help it when I have seen posts I believe to be his! I hope one day he or someone else like him comes across this and it makes them realise that it isn’t ok to treat someone like that! It’s so damaging to someone’s self esteem even years on when they’re over the person!
  13. Hi all, Would love your opinion about this new dating experience I'm having. I've been dating a new girl for around 3 months. She asked me not to be seeing anyone else by around month 2, which I agreed too. We've been dating once per week during this time. Over Christmas break, I traveled home for vacation (I live/work in a foreign country - her country). I was away over 3 weeks. When I got back we had a date night. On the date she told me an ex who she dated in spring for a few months reached out to her. She said that she met him a few times to talk, and let him know she wasn't interested. She said she was worried about telling me this, as she was scared to lose me. She said she had asked many of her friends about telling me this before she did. I told her that I appreciated her telling me and that loyalty is very important to me. So then we got on with the date, and then had fun later. We set up a following date. Do you think there's anything to this? I'm scratching my head.
  14. How often do dumpers break and check out their ex's Facebook page? That is if you are still friends with your ex on FB....
  15. After what I thought was a mutual break up with my ex back in May, some things have come to light and I am realizing I was in a relationship with a man who, if not already is a narcissist, has extreme narcissitic tendencies. He's done some insane things since we've broken up, but not going to get into that. Long story short my friends, family, and therapist have all helped me see what he is. Despite it, he was still one of the healthiest relationships I have had and it wasn't even healthy. ANYWAY. I've been on 3 covid-friendly dates with someone new. He's sweet, patient, and seems to be a really great guy. When I started dating my ex, everything was kind of rushed and pushed but from the few dates I've been on with this new someone, I feel more at a comfortable pace and more myself. BUT I can also feel myself sabotaging this already. I'm almost expecting it to blow up. I can't explain it well, but I feel like I can almost hear my ex's voice in my head making me doubt everything. I don't want to ruin something before it can even start. I do plan on bringing this up at my next therapy session, but I was curious if any of y'all had advice on getting past the lingering effects of dating a narcissist.
  16. Greetings! I have read several articles and seen YouTube videos advising to NOT reach out to an ex on Christmas or the Holiday Season. However, my goal is not to get my ex-wife back, but simply to re-establish a bridge of communication for a potential friendship in the long-term. I absolutely have no intentions in a long-term reconciliation. A bit of history: my ex-wife left me 5.5 years ago to ''find herself'' after a 6-year marriage (she has been single since then). We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. She is still single, bitter, and her heart is full of anger towards me and life in general. Our mutual friends and myself, including therapists I spoke with in the past, suspect either bipolar disorder or narcissist (cops showing up in restaurants asking her to leave because she is yelling and lashing out at the server or a waitress, etc.). Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd. I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?'' Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication. Thank you in advance for the advice and kind regards!
  17. To make a long story short here we go.. My senior year of high school (2006-7) I dated a girl a year younger than me. We were our first boyfriends/girlfriends. We were our first makeout and foreplay. We didn't have sex, basically because she was scared of getting pregnant. We broke up because she thought I was being too serious and looking back I was your typical high school anger fueled jealous type. Shortly after our breakup he dad moved out. She got a new boyfriend a few months later, quickly had sex with him and basically went nuts with guys through college. Throughout all of this I was still there (big regret on my half.) We'd go to dinner, hangout, drink, etc. But nothing "happened" between us, she was the type that always had a boyfriend/sex buddy and it was never me. According to my friends I may have missed some "signs" along the way, but honestly I am the shy/anxious type and my confidence with her was pretty minimal. Her 21-23 birthdays come around and the only guy she invited was me. Around 2013 or so we're texting about meeting up and I'll be honest I was being passive, at one point she stated "you're always so timid with me" which looking back I don't know why someone who is just a friend would say that. Through the years her friends, and even her sister would say things to me like they wish we would give our relationship another chance, etc. We had a little spat around 2015 and didn't communicate from around Sept 2015-Sept 2019. Since 2014 I moved out of state and only visit "home" a couple times a year. During this time we were both in a serious "long term" relationship, which we both thought was heading to marriage. Last September my longtime girlfriend moved across the country and we started a long distance relationship. I was home visiting my parents and decided to ask my ex out to dinner/drinks. She agreed to it and we had a great night and got a little tipsy, at the end of the night we hugged, which was something we had never done before. Last December she turned 30 and she invited me to her birthday bash, but she gave me too short notice to change my travel plans. Turns out I would've been the only guy there who wasn't a spouse/boyfriend of one of her female friends at the party. Last month (August) I visited home and we went out to lunch. She had been asking for a few months when I would be visiting again so there would be no doubt we would meet up. Our lunch turned into about a 2.5-3 hour blast where once again laughed and talked the whole time and got a little tipsy. At the end we ended with a hug. I paid for everything (even though she objected) and later that afternoon I got a thank you text from her. Earlier this month (September) I visited home again and we went out to dinner. We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours laughing and drinking it up. Constant talking, no silence. I had asked her the dinner the night before but she stated she was too tired but then admitted she just ended up binge watching shows all night, I joked I should've came over and she said "you should have." At one point she stated I should've just picked her up for dinner instead of both of us driving. We ended the night, I paid (she objected), we hugged and went our own way. That night she texted me telling me she made it home and thanks for dinner. In the weeks since we've been constantly replying to our Instagram stories, not conversation, just little back and forth jabs. I'll be honest, I am not the most confident guy when it comes to women. I'm shy, quiet, and anxious. What does this seem like to you all? Just a couple of exes who will remain friends and are reminiscing, or two exes who want to see something happen?
  18. My ex wants my help to fix her laptop since I'm a tech kinda guy like that. But she doesnt want to see me alone. She wants drop it off when I'm at work and pick it up while I'm at work. I want to be with her and I dont know if she is just using me it's been over 3 months since we broke up?
  19. Hello everyone, This is my first post, I'm going through a tough patch. Im sure some of you experienced this and can help. Im 25 yr old M. I was with my "ex" for 1 year and 2 months. So not so long, but to keep it short she had broken up with me because I had a tough few months working on my new business and really putting in a lot of hours into work and not into our relationship. She ended things in the beginning of Sept, and Beg of November I decided to text her and give it one last chance. Im posting the texts here. let me know what you guys think!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Me Hey, free tonight to talk? Ex There’s nothing to talk about ! Me i understand, just thought i’d reach out. Sorry to bother Ex What did you want to talk about ? I don’t get it Me Just i think i made you sad. I miss you. As well there was no definite bad stuff between me and you, so we didn’t end on bad terms. Ex I did everything for you, i did my best and eventually it was time i leave a relationship that wasn’t meant for me. I wasn’t appreciated & I hope you learn from ur mistakes Me I understand it was your time to leave. Live and learn then. Thank you for appreciating me. Then no answer its been couple days now, What's the next move.
  20. I had a long-running thread about it, and I don't care to recount the entire background, so honestly, if you're not familiar, it's probably best to look up that old thread. Anyway, we finally had that talk, and thankfully, it wasn't the least bit awkward or weird at all, and we're still all good. For one, it turns out I wasn't crazy, as per that mutual acquaintance (the whole "Be more open" thing); apparently, said acquaintance suggested to my friend in private that we'd be really nice together. What I found more shocking, though, is what my friend dropped on me next... Apparently, when she and her ex were finishing their split, he told her that it would be "okay" if she dated me. That totally threw me for a loop. I... did not see that coming at all. Unfortunately, though, my friend felt frustrated by both of these instances of people trying to steer her on how to date. She also said that it still felt weird to her, since I was friends with both her and her ex, even if I was friends with her longer/ more. But, she did say that, thinking about it, she does think that we'd be good together on some level. But that she's lost track of what she wants in the long term, and that she doesn't feel like she's at all in the right place for something serious right now. She's more content chasing fleeting "fun" for the moment, and she said I "wouldn't want to date her right now". She seemed to kinda leave it open to the idea that things could change after some more time passes, I guess? I don't feel "bad" after this interaction at all. I mean, all things considered, it definitely could've gone a lot worse, so I'm grateful that didn't happen. Still, I've spent so long driving myself crazy wondering "What if?", and I guess I was hoping for more "closure", so that I'd have a very strong, clear case to shut those thoughts down completely. Now, I still feel like I'm going to keep holding out hope. Plus, her admitting that she thinks we could be good together (not to mention, two other people, one of which being her ex, also tried to nudge her towards me) makes my heart ache, thinking about "What could have been" if things were different. I dunno. I just can't really figure out what to make of any of this, and how to feel.
  21. Okay so let me begin at the beginning: About 4 years ago I reconnected with a childhood friend. I was already in a 8 years relationship that I believed was rocky but worth fixing. So, reconnecting with this friend was just that catching up with an old friend. He pushed to make it something more than what it was in the beginning. Of course like clockwork My rocky relationship was on the off again and I seemed comfort in my friend. Before diving into anything with the friend I stated boundaries that I wanted because I knew just like the off/ on again times we would be on again it was just a matter of how long this time. This time the off lasted a full year and the friend and I got pretty close sexually that is. He would come to my house often out of a month. Going into our 2nd year together my ex and I reconnected again and I decided to cut all ties with my friend also because he was a when things didn’t go his way. Well I was back with my ex for 3 months when we went off again which would be our final off/ on dance. Well, this off came in December which I again rebounded back to my friend. I was out of town for the holidays about to return to my home when the friend and I made plans for him to meet me at my door step as soon as my plane lands ( something he was used to doing even walked 3.5 miles to my house in both extreme heat and chilling winter weathers) and he was only too happy to oblige my request. Now here’s the juicy story: Whenever my friend and I would have sex he would take the protection with him to dispose of the material properly. During our year together we had unprotected sex once and we both agreed to no do again. He always knew I wanted to have kids but we both knew that our friendship and situationship also that fact that he has 3 kids by 3 different women made me not want any kids with him at all. Well during this December travels back home the friend met me on my door step and of course we had sex. We would see each 2 more times in December. By now My monthly was due to come on the 27th of December but it hadn’t appeared by December 31st. Nervously I confront my friend and ask him did we use protection? I couldn’t remember if I saw a wrapper or him dispose of the material like always. He assured me that we used protection and he even suggested that I should contact my ex whom I last slept with a month prior in November( 17). By 1/1 it was confirmed that my late period was due to the fact that I was indeed pregnant. I again returned to my friend and asked him if he was 100% sure he used protection. This would go on for a total of 9 months of him saying he did use protection and that the baby couldn’t be his. I assumed that my ex was the father even going as far as to give my son my ex name. When my baby turned 1.5 I decided to do a dna test because I couldn’t see my ex in my baby. Well low and behold the test came back positive that my son was my friend’s baby. How if you used protection? How if you assured me that you used protection? How if you assured me for 9 months that we used protection? I feel trapped in a situation that I never wanted for myself of my child. I’m now the 4th baby mother with the 4th son( he has all boys) of my friend who was a childhood friend of mine. Who’s best friend was my first love when we were kids who also took my virginity when we were younger!!! Now reading this we all messed up in this situation. Now I’m trying to co-parent with my friend but all he wants is to give me money for my son. He never physically saw my son in person at all and he only sent 90 dollars thus far. Now he’s accusing me of wanting a relationship with him. Which is a big lie.
  22. My ex and I were together 7 years. We started drifting apart and we broke up about 3 and a half months ago. She claimed I didn't make her feel important and I didn't validate her feelings and we were on different levels in life. I've come to realize I could've done a lot differently and the future I wanted with her. I reached out a couple times within the first month and a half but went into no contact after she kept ignoring me and blocked me on social media. She recently unblocked me at the three month breakup point, I'm assuming out of curiosity but then blocked me again. I didn't say anything and acted like I didnt notice Anyways, I don't know what to do I want to talk to her but she still hasn't reached out to me. I have a swearing in ceremony in a few days for a new job and I'd like her to go but at the same time I'm like you knew I was hurting and you abandoned me and now I'm going to reach out to you and ask you to be with me at my first accomplishment in life since being without you. I just don't want to look back and say I wish I would've invited her or by not inviting her I made her feel even less important. I'm always thinking when should I reach out and try to initiate contact but I never do. I'm tired of feeling this way but scared I'll lose her if I wait too long and I don't at some point try to spark her feelings.
  23. I've been officially single over a week but in reality after not seeing my ex since September Ive been emotionally single a lot longer. To summarise breaking up came about due to covid restrictions, growing apart during the lockdowns and just not being the right fit for me. We started dating around this time last year but haven't spent tons of time together due to covid. She is heartbroken and I'm upset about that part of her being upset but personally I feel fine about breaking up, I know I made the right choice and I'm on the right path for me and excited about the new chapter in my life once this virus is in check. With all this in mind I'd like to take up online dating over next couple of months, chat to some people, hopefully make a good connection and go on a socially distanced walk or some safe activity for a date. My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?
  24. You can find my posts about the situation with him and me. He ended things with me a few weeks ago. We caught up again recently, went to the beach with each other, he enjoyed it. I went back to his for a cup of tea and we spoke about things, he said it's the best decision for right now. Although he isn’t fully confident he’s doing the right thing. Maybe in a years time, things will feel more right with each other. I think maybe because he feels I'm still quite immature, I'm 25 and he's 34. He said that he told his mother we broke up and she got really angry. Something was quite odd, he told me his friend (who I know) broke up with his girlfriend but they’re back together. I left and he said let's catch up again next week. I don't think it's because he wants to continue having sex with me, if anything, he isn't reciprocating a lot of affection besides a hug. Still compliments me as much, however. He told me he isn't looking to date other people and hasn't been on dates. He isn't on dating apps either. Genuinely a good guy and trust his loyalty despite us not being together. I get the feeling right person, wrong time. Just seems weird to want to continue catching up with someone? Why?
  25. Just found out my ex cheated on me. We broke up 1 year ago and now the grief is back. How do I approach this.
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