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About Me

  1. Together for 5 years engaged for 1.5 years and no matter what happened good, great or otherwise he never set a date or would let me set a date. We did pre-engagement counseling and 6 weeks of marriage counseling classes through church (required for the pastor to officiate the ceremony) and within last year did 7 months of coupleÂ’s counseling. During this time of intently working toward marriage we worked out a lot of major and minor details to support a healthy marriage, wanting kids, how to raise the kids, religon and church to go to, living arrangement and down to small exercises about who does laundry and who folds etc. Understanding things can be flexible, but the goal was to discover the small things that can cause issues in the first years of marriage and have them worked out. So we also set who'd handle finances and who'd handle house items etc. So we took marriage seriously mostly initiated by him because of him, but in the end I appreciated it and felt it would all help us in our marriage. We worked through some of his hang ups about marriage, but what we could never get past was his ideal that literally every concern he has about possible issues in a marriage be addressed before ever getting married. It was impossible. The couple's counselor a licensed physcologist who had been married for almost 20 years after hearing all ascertained that my fiance blow smalls things up into bigger issues than they are and told my fiance that basically you can't get a 100% guarantee on everything before marriage. There will be things, before and after that may need to be worked through you need make the commitment to marriage that will make the difference. For me the physiologist pointed out that I have a stronger personality than my fiance, I had to adjust my tone and how I speak during issues, mainly loud speaking. He also pointed out to my fiance everyone has different personalities so it's not a reason not to marry unless you determine that it's a dealbreaker. I'd been single for 5 years when I met my fiance and I was pretty open about my personality from the beginning. I knew it was strong, loud and passionate, but I have worked on adjusting and made improvements. I know because others have realized it. So I was not surprised when my fiance let it be known that my personality was not dealbreaker and he understands me. Instead he takes disagreements that we have and blow them up into marriage threatening issues. When he would not propose I told him that he was doing that, after we were engaged and having a professional psychologist witness it when he helped us work through one that happened while we were in counseling I have it confirmed that my fiance makes mountains out of molehills to become barriers to marriage. After 5 years of this I am tired, but felt like we could still move forward get married and have a committed relationship. So after almost 1.5 years and not date I got discouraged and thought that I didn't want to get married and deal with this anymore. We had some very bad life events happen with close family member and some other issue not related to the relationship that put a strain and while we pulled through for the most part and worked together as a couple there was an area where I felt he was there. I expressed that to him and instead of him addressing it he used it as a reason to distance himself to the point of him telling me he was going to call me back one day and never did for 3 weeks. I admit I was dealing with some insecurities with the engagement without a wedding date and also feeling like I had to push so hard for the engagement to happen and now feeling the same way to actually get married. I needed for us to talk every day after work. I made sure, but there would be days he'd not contact me all day including after his work whereas he use to. Out of frustration when he did it that last time I did not call him either. I'd expressed to him how it bothers me especially when I am dealing with us not being married and living together at least I need to for us to be in sync as if we are engaged to be married. So just like there would be an issue with him not coming home one night if married it's an issue if he does not call. I always get something like he was going to and fell asleep or did not feel well or he was going to call but I called first. So this time I was pissed and said since he always say he was going to call I said let's see and once again I was let down, he did not call. 3 weeks passed and while I'd broken up with him in my head, I called him and had the desire to repair. To my shock this man said he was going to call when his family that was visiting him left the NEXT MONTH. He felt that telling me when they asked for me and why I had not come to see them when they arrive he told them I was busy because he wanted to protect our relationship and that was proof that he was going to call. He also claims that while he did not call me had taken some steps toward us getting married two weeks before I called him. The whole situation bothered me because he then tried to make it seem like I'd been the one that had not contacted him for three weeks because I did not want to deal with the issues outside the relationship that was going on during that time. I disputed that and once I presented the detail he admitted he had not called because he was upset about my refusal to help him with looking something up on the internet that he asked me to and he questioned marrying me since I was supposed to be someone he would share his life with. So instead of discussing it with me he once again made it something to question us marrying and at something he admitted was small. At this point we are engaged for 1.5 years and this is seeming like this is why he refuses to set a wedding date. It confirmed that for me when he bought up an items we'd addressed in couple's counseling and was settled and he bought it up as if it was something that was recent issue. I told him nothing changed with how we both addressed it during couple's counseling so I did not know why he was bringing it back up as it was not settled. So he let that go. To shorten this I told him I as always I was willing to discuss the issue we had about what happened right before he stopped calling, but I did not feel it was something that we could not talk through and don't to feel like our getting married was being held hostage of over these talks. So I wanted to set a wedding date so we'd be talking through this understanding we have a commitment instead of feeling like he was determining if we should get married or not. Well the date we set to go the park to talk about setting the wedding date and plan he decided to tell he don't think we are meant to be together because I had not helped him look up the info on the internet. To give you the contrast that same month it happened we'd had so many things outside the relationship to deal with on both sides, including death of my family member, and I did not have to time to give all my focus to wedding and marriage. At that point I guess he was not use to that being my main focus he asked me do I want to still get married I said yes and he said ok he was thinking October, but never said more details or went on to discuss more specifics. It was consistent with the year before I'd suggested October even sat with him at the wedding venue and he would not pick a date. Eventually the reason he gave was he needed to save up more money. When the money became available he used it for something else. When he told me we were not meant to be together I knew it was because he knew there was no other way to avoid setting a wedding date and he'd come back later to say and do whatever to allow up keep going as engaged without setting a date of actually getting married. This was confirmed by his actions which I won't go into detail, but eventually after talking he once again came to me and said he doesn't want to lose me and wants to get married. By this time I my defenses were up and nothing but a committed date and action from him would bring them down. So I asked him when and was quiet so I told him he was dropping breadcrumbs and that's fine he can drop his breadcrumbs, but they won't do. He left. I sent him several articles about the effects of long engagements when both people don't agree on it also about when engagements happened a wedding date should be set or it can cause resentment. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything from him. I keep going from just letting it go and never speaking to him to formally contacting him to confirm we are done to waiting to see if he comes around which I will pick right back up at setting a wedding date. At this point I don't think I can ever contact him again if he does not reach out because there seems to be nowhere to go, I just will not remain stalled and seeming trying to prove to him we are okay to get married. It seems he will use absolutely anything as a barrier to getting married. It seemed that way about getting engaged, but eventually he proposed, but it just lead to going through the same thing with actually trying to get married. Would it be the same thing if we got married feeling like I have to pull drag and prove everything. Does it even matter now we have not spoken in 3 weeks? Do people actually end an enagagment by never speaking? What do I do? I feel like if I contact him it's just condoning the pattern and it's pointless because even thought he said he still wants to get married instead of setting a date he is okay with not speaking to me in 3 weeks? Was I pushing him into something he did not want to do? Should it be this hard?
  2. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 5 years and we got engaged a couple months ago before Christmas. When we first started dating, I never had any issues with his sister (I actually thought she was the coolest!). However, as time went on, I realized she really didn’t like me. She looked at me like the person taking him away from family because he was spending all his time with me (we moved in together, moved to another state together for work). She would make snide comments and just generally rude to me (to my face and behind my back). I let it roll off my shoulders because I’m not great at confrontation. When he told her he was planning to propose, she told him not to do it and basically that I’m an awful person to marry. Same thing when we got engaged- not a happy reaction AT ALL. It was tough to see someone so upset about us getting engaged when we were so excited to take this step together, but again, let it slide because it wasn’t worth the confrontation. We went to dinner with her, his mom and uncle to celebrate the holidays and at dinner they asked about wedding plans. My fiancé told them we were barely started with planning but had a guest list and were planning to have an adult only wedding (no kids). She took this incredibly personally (she has a 4 y/o daughter) and became very upset in the restaurant. LONG STORY SHORT... She got incredibly angry (honestly borderline pure rage) and blew up in the restaurant. She began screaming at me (blaming me), cussing at me, telling me I’m a terrible and manipulative person. I said nothing back because I was purely shocked by her reaction and in tears. I got up to remove myself from the situation (it was humiliating and quite a scene in the restaurant) and she then chased me out of the restaurant trying to physically assault me. My fiancé had to physically restrain her to prevent her from actually hurting me. I don’t know how to handle her and our relationship. I’m terrified of this person and the level of rage she is capable of reaching. She clearly hates me and does not support our decision to get married. Bottom line is I don’t want her at my wedding.... Am I wrong if I don’t invite her? Any thoughts?
  3. So my boyfriend proposed this past Thanksgiving and we started planning the wedding about two months ago. We have picked the venue and I have started dress shopping. I am very excited and I truly believe he is my soul mate, but part of me is still a little worried about how his proposal went down. Background info: We started dating 3 years ago, and moved to Chicago together a year ago (we live together in Chicago now). About 2-3 months after living together I started to uncontrollably nag him about when he wanted to get engaged. For some reason I just couldn't stop myself. I had this enormous amount of fear that because we now lived together he would just put off proposing. I don't know where this came from. He told me after the first few months of dating that I was the one for him and he wanted to marry me one day. But then after we moved in together, when I would ask him about it he would say that he wanted to save money for a ring and adjust to moving to a new city. He also said he wanted it to be a surprise that I had no idea was coming. Even after he said all of that - I couldn't stop myself from asking about it every so often. Then he asked me to go look at rings with him. I was so excited! So I picked one out that I really loved, but I didn't know when he was going to buy it. Three months went by and no proposal. So then here came the nagging again! I don't know why I couldn't stop myself, but I just kept asking "when, when when..." So then he took me out to this really romantic dinner, told me how much he loved me, and proposed on Michigan Ave. in Chicago by all the new Christmas lights. It was really romantic. But still part of my thinks that my nagging totally ruined the proposal (I even picked a fight with him the day before he proposed, because he hadn't done it yet). I know he loves me, but I fear that since I kept nagging him I will never know if he proposed on his own terms or if this is truly what he wants. (I think if I wouldn't have kept nagging he would have waited until the summer to propose so that it could be a surprise). So since being engaged I have told him how sorry I am that I nagged like that, and how guilty I feel that I ruined our engagement. He always says "you did annoy me and nag me to death, but that's not why I did it. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to." But I can also tell sometimes that he is bitter toward the fact that I wouldn't leave him alone. He even said once in front of his parents, "You just couldn't wait for me to give you that ring." (in a snotty tone). It made me feel stupid and desperate. I am soooo mad at myself. When I talk to my friends about our wedding plans, I am so upset on the inside knowing that I feel like I forced him to propose. Do you think I should be happy that I found someone who will still propose even though I have a serious problem with nagging people? (A part of me is happy that he loves me enough to propose even though I have this problem). Or should I feel that I forced him into this? I know a lot of you are going to say that I need to figure out why I nag so much and why I wanted so badly to get engaged. And I realize this is a problem. But I was just so happy to finally find the one after all the failed relationships, that I couldn't help being scared that if he didn't propose it would fail as well. Please, any help at all would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared that I forced him and it will cause heartache in the end. Is there anything I can do to ease my mind or make sure he is ready? I apologize for the long winded post.
  4. So, I’m a 23 year old female. I was proposed to by my 30 year old bf of 3 years a couple of months ago. Prior to this, I was a little a nervous that he might be getting ready to propose. I wasn’t sure if I was ready or if we were really right for one another. He is my first serious bfWhen he asked me I just had this rush of feeling “right.” So, I said yes... I do love him and we have a good time together. We are really different in a lot of ways. If you’re familiar with MBTI an ISFP and he is an ENTJ. We can have a lot of fun together, but many times I come home and just feel worn out by his energy. Really determined and ambitious but can be overbearing and controlling. I notice myself kind of putting off the wedding in my mind. People are constantly asking me about if I’ve set a date, and I avoid the questions. I’m not excited to get married at all. I feel awful when I think I might be wasting his time, what if end up backing out? He is the age when most of his peers are getting married. We live together, and I am supporting him financially while he pursues something entrepreneurial. I just don’t want to look back and think I missed out. I’m worried I’ll resent him for it... I just feel sick to my stomach about all this.
  5. Hi everyone. I want to start by saying I hope everyone is safe and well during the pandemic. About my relationship, I had a tricky breakup last year and I didn't intend to jump into another relationship as quickly as I did, but love happens and everything seems so perfect through those rose-tinted glasses. It's been just under a year since we've been together, our families have met and we come from strict Asian cultural backgrounds (when parents meet it means it's serious and its heading down the path of marriage) I'm so happy with him or I was happy with who he was, but during the pandemic, he's been at home and with his family. His mother is quite religious and I feel he has become religious too, more so than his mum!! He wants to meet less and less now because there will be more "blessings" for when we actually get married next year (having sex or anything before marriage is a sin, bearing in mind! I was a virgin when we met and we had sex and he happened to be my first) The whole religion spiel is not what I signed up for. I find religious people become so hypocritical and it is okay for them to pick and choose what suits their needs whenever they feel like it, and we all must accept it because it's for the sake of religion ? Also he knows about my past, my ex, what happened, the details But when I asked him about his past, he said he's been with "3 or 4 people"... its either 3 or 4, I'm sure one would remember.... I had the mindset that the past is his business and if he didn't want to talk about it then I was okay with it. But I met up with some of my friends, and they told me that even though ignorance is bliss, it can make me naive. And knowing what happened just briefly or why it broke down is important if we are to be getting married... and if I'm asking he should be respectful enough to reutrn the favour and give me something more than "3 or 4". I did ask what happened, he said "it just didn't work out", and he closed up. I dont want to go crazy on him, but I feel like I've had a few built up frustrations brewing. And I don't want to be a doormat, but I can be a complete people pleaser to the point where I won't even realise I'm miserable until its too late. I dont know what to do anymore. Also I'm going into my final year of law and I study abroad on the other side of the planet (6 hour flight), so I'll be away for the next year, up to my head in exams.... to come back to an engagement?.... I'm not sure how I feel about it He really wants a relgiious ceremony/engagement, and if i postpone it he gets really upset about it. I had planned to get a nose job this summer, which got cancelled due to COVID, so it will be happening a month before my graduation and soon after graduation (2-3 weeks) he wants an engagement. I feel like he was super clever in getting families involved so soon. Because it's frowned upon to date and both of our mothers would rather we get engaged/relgious ceremony out of the way and a massive circus wedding later on. I really despise my culture soemtimes, no, most of the time. And I was truly happy with all of it until the religion thing kept cropping up, do I cross my legs and supress my wants and needs for 8 more months? Also I'm flying out to university next week and this was supposed to be our long weekend together He caught a cold (no its not COVID, he got tested lol) because the gyms had opened up and he was going everyday sometimes twice a day I did make my concern clear that.... overdoing the gym you'll wear yourself out and get sick/catch COVID.. but he didn't listen. He did what he wanted to. and now our weekend is cancelled. No... you're right... it's not his fault he's sick or caught a cold, not entirely, but then he said "maybe everything happens for a reason and it's Gods way of keeping us apart" I mean seriously . I was on the brink of letting the cold thing go until he laced it with that ? GUYS WHAT THE FK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE I love him, I do, he's sweet and so caring and affectionate, really handsome (which doesn't mean anything really but its a plus because I always settled for nice guys who I was never attracted to, I have a lot of insecurity issues and that would be a whole other post) and we always had fun together but I don't know whats happening anymore Speaking on insecurities.... I never had sex because I was so insecure, but he was the first person I felt so comfortable with and trusted him I broke up with my ex because culture and religion got in the way and made a point not to fall into that trap again, but I really hope I'm wrong But i feel like every guy i get involved with starts of calm, chill, normal, and then wants to marry me and become some religious person and I dont get it I'm defnitely not giving off virgin Mary vibes anymore
  6. Hello everyone, I need some advice. So I have been with my partner for going on 4 years this August. He is a very nice guy who I love. There a just a few issues that I am not happy about. I just turned 27 and he is 28 years old . Both are entrepreneurs ( just explaining this for a little background). He can be a bit selfish in some ways. If we go to get some food and the bill is $20 he asks me to send him $10 which I don’t mind doing however, I used to treat him to dinner all the time just being nice. I stopped doing that because he barely reciprocates. He literally tries to split everything down the middle. I remember going to the laundromat one time and I had 2 dollars in cash and my debit card. My wash was 2.75 he asked me if I had the $2.75, I said I have $2 but I could take money out of the ATM. His wash was $8 and he had a $20 bill on him. Instead of him loaning me a $1 he let me take out $20 from the atm with a $4 transaction fee. When it comes to sex he hasn’t went down on me in almost a year but he always just pulls his pants down and expects oral which I do smh. I told him that he hasn’t gone down on me in almost a year and he said he will start doing it. This was almost two months ago. He said we can hold out until my birthday which was on April 16th, 2020. My birthday comes he gave me a card that he got from the dollar store the day before. Which I was thankful for. Then he said we were going to get lunch and took me to McDonald’s. He then said we were going to eat somewhere for dinner and when we went to the Columbian restaurant the restaurant was out of food. He winded up getting himself something and I didn’t get anything for dinner on my birthday. I asked him could we try to eat at the Columbian place the next day to make it up and he said yes. The days came and went and he has not mentioned treating me to dinner. Remind you it is quarantine time so I get that things are closed. However, him taking the extra effort to see if some other restaurants had food or even cooking me dinner would’ve been so appreciated. I cook everyday and I go down on him whenever he wants. I talked to him about 4 times about why he doesn’t go down on me and he says he will do it next time. He doesn’t aim to please me during sex at all. We never have date nights only if I suggest them. I used to get him gifts throughout the year but I stopped because he was always taking but never randomly did nice things for me. Every time we have alone time he’s always talking about his business 24/7. He never asks how I’m feeling emotionally or if he does he turns the question back around to it being about him. He is funny, smart and attractive. I never have to worry about other women and when I complain about something he does try sometimes. Am I wrong for not feeling satisfied in the relationship? Or even calling off the engagement? Please let me know. Thank you
  7. My ex and i were together for 8yrs. We are in our early 40s. We were also engaged. Our relationship had hit really bad/stressful time. So he broke up w/me about 7months ago,and i moved back home. He now has a new woman,she is now pregnant! Anyway i just discovered via facebook that now they are engaged, and she announced it on my birthday! Did he just seriously propose to my replacement on my birthday? SMH!
  8. Hi This is my first post on here so It may be a little long but hopefully some of you have some time and advice to spare Ok so I am a 30 year old female and I am recently engaged. Things with my fiancé are perfect. It is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Before him I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and meeting my fiancé was like a breath of fresh air. The only problem is he has been married before and has 2 children from that relationship. The children aren’t the problem, we get along great they love me and when they are with us we are all very happy. The problem isn’t even his ex. They have not been a couple for 10+ years, she is re-married. They only communicate about the children and see each other in passing when they exchange the kids. The problem is me. I can’t get over the fact that I am not his first for anything. I know how petty and immature it sounds but part of me is almost angry at him that this won’t be his first wedding, that when we have children they won’t be his first. I know this seems so crazy because I willingly got in a relationship with him and I knew these things up front. I can only say in my defense, I have never dated someone who has such an extensive past before, especially one that is still connected to the present. I didn’t know that these feelings would come up as we started to make our relationship more serious. I didn’t know that when we got engaged, I would be wondering in the back of my head if it was similar to his last engagement. That I would become obsessed with trying to ensure that our wedding is completely different than his first. That I would only want to have girls because he has 2 sons already. I can’t shake the feeling that everything I am doing with him has been done before. He is so sweet and has tried to assure me that their relationship was nothing compared to ours, that he never thinks about their relationship or compares the two but I can’t shake the feeling. Most recently I found out his mother (my future mother in law) is still friendly with his ex. This sent me into a complete tail spin. I’ve always had the fantasy of having a mother in law I could be close with. And finding out that she is still close to his ex-wife really broke my heart. This has come up several times recently (during wedding planning) and it’s really starting to affect our relationship. My fiance has expressed that he does not know what else he can do to assure me that things are different with us and that he is happier than he was before. I don’t know what to do with my jealousy and my feelings of being “second best” I don’t want to destroy this relationship and I wish there was some rule book on how to be a second wife. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation and how they dealt with these feelings. Thank you.
  9. Hey! I have a new boyfriend and things are going really well. I think I could love him soon. Do we need to be fb official? This seems silly, but I’m in my own head a lot about it. Is this important, or can I just wait until we are more serious, like engaged or something?
  10. Hello, Want to make this as short as possible and would love your input: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years (since we were both 20). A few months ago we decided to buy a place but the banks weren’t in our favors, so his mom decided to lend us the money by selling half her house to the bank. He is now telling me if the title can be only under his name since the money is coming from his mom—that how is it comfortable for his mom to “gift me” $90,000 ($180K total of the place), that if anything happens, he wants to be fully responsible as sole titler because it’s his moms money. His plan is to refinance the place in about a year and then put it under both our names. I’m not fully comfortable with that because I’ve saved hard for the money we were going to put towards this house. Anyway, I told him the title could be under his name, if he proposes to me already. This is a topic he’s extremely dismissive about because he thinks marriage is dumb, for a lack of words , that’s he’s never really seen a good marriage, blah blah. To me, marriage is super important and it’s something I’ve been talking about for a while because it’s freaking 7 years already!!!! He says he’ll propose after living with me for about a year...that will put us at 8 years of a relationship...and I’m so over behind his “gf” when we’re buying a damn place together! I gave him an ultimatum, either my name on the title as well OR he buys me an engagement ring and we get compromised already but I’m kinda tired of things being on his terms (I also wanted kids sooner than he does...he wants to wait till after 30 and I want one before). What should I do if he doesn’t propose or put my name on the title? Am I being unreasonable for wanting a commitment from him after such a long time??? I understand marriage is not for everyone, but why has he said he wants to marry me but hasn’t proposed yet? He already has his degree, good profession, good pay...there’s no more excuses...he makes me feel like he’s unsure if I’m the one and that breaks me. I love him so deeply but idk how much longer I can go without losing it that he “wants to marry me” but refuses to get engaged. It’s slowly killing me inside! Help
  11. I’ve had 10+ years of issues with my extended family (twin aunts and cousins-mainly the girls-when I left for college and my cousins dropped out of high school) my mom has had even more with her twin sisters. I felt bullied, belittled, always to blame for everything. I’ve tried many times to have a real conversation about the issues, my mom has too but it’s always brushed off or creates a family drama. I was in a group text with my cousins, whenever I said something in group text was told to shut up, anything good I did was not acknowledged, im too tall, I dress up too much, my bday gift to my grandmother sucked, their nephew is cuter than mine, my clothes/hair/friends were made fun of, nasty comments about my family were made, literally ever word especially recently there was so many comments back or someone trying to one up me. It began consuming a lot of my day even just being angry at them. I had so many events and holidays ruined because of this. We have long stopped spending holidays with my extended family, we invite them (cousins and aunts) to my brothers baby showers they didn’t come, down to my parents beach house for a girls trip they blew it off. I asked why they didn’t which caused another family drama. Back in the winter my boyfriend had gotten hurt and they found out and made fun of him and were huge jerks and excited and happy about it. I got mad but kept it very civil and said I wasn’t interested in being around people who want bad things to happen to me. This caused them all to get mad and block me. No one apologized somehow I was to blame as it always goes. They ended up putting me back in the group text but this point I was very done with them but felt the need to keep things civil so tried to just not read them/delete the messages etc. A couple months later I got engaged. When I ended up relaying the news they did not care, basically did not acknowledge it. This just went hand in hand with me feeling they only want bad things to happen not good things to me. An acquaintance I know that is friends with one cousin also got engaged and through facebook they were all so excited for her including my aunt) talking about her bachelorette “liking” everything etc. They haven’t liked a picture of me and my fiancé once Lately I was just very fed up and ended up saying some mean things in this group text with my cousins. It caused a big drama issue which I knew it would and which has happened many many many times over the years. The whole extended family becomes involve everyone discusses it and gossips. I felt very bad and I apologized to everyone which no one responded to (I have never ever received an apology) im also mad at the same time. They have said equally mean and worse things to me and for years and years and this is the first time I have basically fought back. I was blocked again on social media and taken out of group text. I am honestly happy to be out of this and to not have contact with these people anymore I just wish I had been able to be the one to end it, not end it with me stopping to their level and at a more civil level. I am embarrassed that I acted how I did. I found myself beginning to compete back with them and even by being mean it makes me sick. I feel they are toxic and I feel I have become toxic when near them as well. I also know social media issues are silly but it just hurt my feelings. I know I created the latest drama. Basically I am hoping for advice on how to move on? I want to be happy I am engaged I am having an engagement party this weekend (none of them are coming even tho they were invited) I want to focus on all the great things in my life instead of dwelling on this bad part. Also I’m not sure what to do about the wedding which is a year away so I have time but I keep thinking if I should invite them or not. If I don’t I know the family will be totally disconnected but it basically already is and I never see them and don’t have a desire to.
  12. Okay, so I know this guy at work and I really like him. We have been friends for awhile now, always had good banter with eachother and always spoke to him about personal problems. Wasn’t until about 6 months ago or so when I realised oh I’ve caught feelings. Only thing is he’s engaged and has a 9 month old baby.. I never said anything and just brushed it off for that reason. Until we went to a works party, he agreed to meet me and walk me to the party (his fiancé didn’t attend) and he got me a drink. We went off to talk to separate people and all was good.. until I had one too many and I pulled him to one side and told him I liked him. We came out the party to talk in private and I just opened up to him. What happened next was totally unexpected. He told me he liked me back! So we spoke for ages, and he gave me a hug and it wasn’t just a friendly hug it felt like it was kind of an embrace, he was squeezing me and rubbing my back slowly it felt so good. He then asked for a kiss which I said no to as I said it wasn’t morally right, and he kept asking for one until I finally gave in (oops) he kissed me until I pulled away 3 seconds later because I felt guilty. We was gone from the party for 3 hours and all our colleagues kept ringing him but he kept rejecting the calls to stay with me. I asked him whether what he was saying was true because I just couldn’t believe he said he felt the same and his words were ‘if I didn’t I wouldn’t of spent 3 hours with you i’d Be in there with the others’. Anyway he walked me home and that was that. In the morning I was left very confused like what do I do now? So he texted me asking if I was okay and told me he didn’t regret anything. He’s carried on texting me all week and when I’ve seen him at work he makes excuses to talk to me and calls me when he doesn’t need to. Now I’ve asked him about his fiancé. He tells me he’s not happy with her and if it wasn’t for his baby he’d of left ages ago.. I’ve told him that it’s not a good idea to carry on texting whilst he’s still with her but every time I’ve said that he tells me not to stop because he likes me. I’m really stuck, because I don’t know how he feels I don’t know what to think. He’s asked me to ring him outside of work hours and he’s even asked me to meet him outside of work. He said he wants to chat and stuff. And for the record, it was only a kiss.. no sex involved. What should I do? Do I move on or do you think he genuinely is stuck in a loveless relationship for the sake of his child? I don’t know what to do!!
  13. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 4 years. We have a son together and are saving for a house. We’re also happy in our relationship. Seven months ago we bought an engagement ring (I picked it out). It’s been sitting in his drawer since then. We’ve talked about the proposal and the only thing I’ve told him is I want it to be private. Well, yesterday he attempted to propose. He put no thought into it. His family is visiting from out of town and thought he’d use them as a sitter for our son. He took me for a walk on the bay. You couldn’t see the water and stopped me beside a huge drainage ditch. He asked me if he could ask me a question and I responded with not today. I feel like I deserve something with a little thought. I also thought if he has been saving it for that long that he would make it special. I don’t expect something grand but something better than that. Just wondering someone else’s thoughts.
  14. Sorry if this is a bit long winded, but it’s about a years worth of back and forth over the same issue! I’ve been with my now fiancé for just over 2 years and last July I ended things. He was not long out of a marriage and a year into the relationship I still didn’t exist to anyone in his world. He’d met my parents, my son and my friends but his family didn’t know I existed. Anytime I broached the subject he would say it was just too soon as he didn’t want his family to think we’d been together before he split from his wife. I have pretty low self esteem anyway so to me it just felt like he was ashamed of me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t deal with feeling like a secret, on the edge of his life just not quite in it, so I ended things. He took it really badly and bombarded me with texts, emails etc. I eventually blocked him because I still loved him, but was trying to do the best for me to give me some sort of self preservation. About a month after we split, I was on a works night out and kissed a guy from work. He was someone I’d known for a long time at work and we got on really well so it was nice to have someone to chat to/text etc. We went on a date a couple of weeks later, and realised that we were just good friends, but I then found out he was also seeing someone else. I was pretty pissed off that he’d strung me along despite it not going anywhere. A couple of weeks after that I received a rose in the post from my fiancé with a note saying he’d always love me and if there was ever any room for him in my life to contact him. I still missed him hugely so called him and asked if we could meet. We did and agreed to take it slowly and see how things went. One of his conditions was that there was full disclosure for what had gone on during our 2 months apart. He had been on dating sites and had been on a few dates so I told him my story. He got massively upset and said he felt like I’d cheated on him, he didn’t know if he could deal with it etc but eventually calmed down and agreed to try. A week later he read my messages and saw messages I’d sent to one of my friends talking about the date...another huge argument about how I’d cheated on him. This has come up every couple of months since then, but in April he proposed and I stupidly thought that meant we were looking towards the future not the past. However yesterday he announced that he still can’t get the image of me kissing someone else out of his head and it’s driving him insane, he can’t get past it and I should understand how betrayed he feels. I genuinely don’t understand it, we had broken up, we weren’t on a break. He went on dates and I’ve taken his word that nothing happened. Yes, it would make me feel sick if he had been with someone else, but I’d have no right to go nuts as we weren’t together. He’s now saying he’s unsure of our future together as he can’t keep replaying the image in his head, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I even moved jobs (within the same company) so I wasn’t working next to the other guy anymore to help him feel better about it and have cut all communication. How do I get past this if he can’t see I chose him?
  15. Hi all, So a couple weeks ago my ex basically just got her uni friend (a guy) to pick her up and not seen her since. She lost her licence to drink driving. It was a very toxic/coercive control relationship from her. Insulting me, what I wore, saying I have no friends, my family hate me. Would split with me briefly and one time tell me she slept with someone and how he ed her real good. That hurt so bad. She's an alcoholic but doesn't think she is, has depression and bad anxiety. Craves attention from guys. Needs so much love due to not a great childhood. Would threaten to kill herself. Always rung and text asking where I was what I was doing, who I was with etc. You get the picture. Hit me many times. 4-5 weeks ago we were coming home. She starts beating me in the head. I stopped and asked her at least 5 times to get out the car. She wouldn't. I gave her a gentle nudge and she fell to ground. In the panic/stress/worry of what had just happened I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee. Of course I felt awful. But she's made me out to be some sort of woman beater. Has threatened and blackmailed me with the police about it. And recently has reported it. I was taken to police station which was scary as never been in trouble before. This was nearly two weeks ago now. Not heard anymore. I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed I won't. And maybe cause she realises I've got plenty of stuff, with evidence on her. Does anyone have any comforting words. Life been a bit crap lately! Having therapy for this whole ordeal which is helping. Stupidly still miss her loads but apparently that's normal. Were engaged last year. Want to contact her, but I'd hazard a guess that's what she's probably wanting to happen? Thanks, Matt
  16. So recent my ex got engaged and is having his party at “our” work. My two best friends have said they will be attending this party and my work are demanding I work despite me thinking thatÂ’s a slap in the face from all three of them? So me and him worked together in a small bar for a year when we got together for a year n a half. We also live in the same street and run into each other daily. In that time I loved him deeply despite him making my life a hell, lying to his family and friends and our colleagues about us saying it was just sex even tho it wasnÂ’t about sex, he was the one chapping at my window after work some nights if IÂ’d left without him😂😴 . He got drunk one night and hit me for no reason. He would bit h about me at work. so anyway we split tried to be freinds and when he got in a relationship with another one of our neighbours🙄 a year of us not talking at work now, earlier in the year the girlfriend stopped me and was very patronising to me. I donÂ’t love him anymore but I do have strong hate for him and how he treated me but changed for her. How long my heart broke for..I left my other job and had a breakdown when we first split then pulled myself together went back to work. Am I wrong for being angry at my best friends for attending this party? They arenÂ’t freinds with either of them but their boyfriends are freinds with my ex. They told me they wont be their to celebrate just to accompanying their partner...so IÂ’m expected to work and watch my ex and my freinds being happy without me, feeling ty like am I even apart of your lives🤘 Cause In my eyes IÂ’d tell any of them cummon girl I got ya, letÂ’s go out and get drunk or do something fun!🤷🏼♀️ No?
  17. FYI this story is in the Philippines ... I'm an American living there most of the year.. dated this girl on and off for 3 yrs.. as I was in and out of the country during the 3yrs she dated or had 3-4 other boyfriends ... usually around 2-6 months at a time then she would contact me and we would reconnect few of the times I contacted her first Most of 2018 we are together she dated another guy on-line never met in which we are separated for 5 months.. then end of 2018- through April 2019 we are together and she isn't dating anyone else we lived in different cites but she would fly to stay with me for extended amounts of time or I went to her city for 2+ months beginning of 2019.... This entire time we are never officially BF & GF as I was still dating other girls .. Beginning of March she starts chatting a man from Germany - I find out about it when she says she can't see me when I'm coming to see her on this trip I had planned.. she says she is meeting someone.. I get upset about and she tells the guy that she can't meet him because of me already has something planned with me and I've been there for her since the beginning. he blocks her changes his profile photo back to his old finance. for about a week - he had just broken off and engagement just months before chatting her.. I have plans to see her in 3 weeks as I'll be coming to her city for about a month before my business trip back to USA. 1-2 weeks after her being home in Davao Philippines she is chatting him again on FB.. then goes into a relationship on Facebook I immediately call her to tell her I'm still coming for our trip and she says okay.. Few days later she messages me is it okay if I stay with you No sex.. ? (Looking back I realize this is a big turning point.. I should have just said I want to see you regardless sex or no sex) I realize now that she wanted to see I cared for her of if it was just our amazing sex. but... I reply with laughing emojis.. and say we will talk about when I there.. Its important to note this guy changed his flight 1 month later to meet her as she told him she must meet me first... which should be okay since they aren't in a relationship yet. around the time she went into a relationship she posts this on her FB wall...... If you're not ready to commit she understands.. but when you see her with someone who is PLEASE UNDERSTAND! The next week she sends me messages saying I'm so sorry but I can't meet you anymore my family is growing close to the man and I am to his family.. I so sorry ! I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to hurt him.. and I can't let me family down.. as it would look bad to see you knowing that I'm in a relationship with him... I wish I could just run away. At this point I feel I again should have flew in anyways and got my girl.. but I did no contact and deiced to let her see this guy is crazy.. as he told her the first week of chatting on FB I love you and already told my sister you're the one for me.. within a few weeks of that he basically told her he is going to marry her... less than 1 month later his plane lands he goes straight to her house and proposes in front of her family the day he arrives! They only knew each other in Peron for one day. Less than one week later they get matching couple tattoos that take up half of their arms.. that Say I love you "partner name" he or she actually text me from her phone the day this happened on viber app but I couldn't see what the message was at is was a disappearing message that was gone when I open it.. I imagine it was a photo of this tattoo or a message not sure... only reason I even know about this tattoo as my friends send me the photo via FB messenger I had already unfollowed her almost a month before the engagement and tattoo even occurred so I'm not thinking of it too much.. My friend sent me this asking what are you doing right before she got engaged saying she is a good one.. You must be nice to her or someone else will Now that I know about this tattoo it has really gotten to me.. I'm sure she will likely regret it.. especially if she realizes this guy might be a special kinda crazy. seems to me these might be early signs of an abusive controlling type of man.. I've looked on-line I guess couple tattoos doom a relationship and over 90% of the time they end usually within 6-12 although no officially stats on this anywhere.. its just tough as she was my best friend... I feel responsible as I hurt her many times as she just wanted me to commit to her and only her. he is currently with her for this month then he will fly back to his country next month as only in Philippines for 30 days.. if they are to go through with the marriage and she goes to Europe to process the paperwork to do that takes between 6-9 months.. Unless they got married in the Philippines then they could do it quickly which wouldn't surprise at the speed this is moving now. a month isn't that long to get to know someone.. - I'll be in USA but I will be back on her bday month this August.. normally in the past I would usually here from here I would guess around this time.. when she is going into a temporary relationship.. She would usually want to come and see me This is different as she is engaged with a tattoo... and she has changed her last name on FB and I'm 100% she blocked me the day after she got the tattoo .. I'm quite sure it was his idea to do these couple tattoo and to block me.. I feel this was a move to show their love moreover make sure she stays with him forever...and doesn't leave or cheat on him. any guess to what will happen next.. ? as in this next 2-6 months as he will be gone for many of them.. I guess I should just be happy for her.. at the same time I feel she just got into a quick rebound relationship with someone the opposite of me to take away the pain and stress... All she wanted was for me to commit to her .. since I wouldn't and she was hurt by me having other gfs and my lack of commitment she just latched onto the this person.. I feel she is very likely to go through with this marriage and move to Germany next year.. it might be until then she sees his other side.. then eventually if it becomes and abusive relationship she will feel scared and trapped in another country with nobody to reach out to.. I'm just learning about the early signs of an abusive relationship and this guy fits the mold.. (but I could be wrong) I don't know what to achieve here on this forum .. I just read a similar forum someone else wrote few years ago with ex getting tattoo quickly.. so figured I would reach out and share my story.... as I'm living with this regret and she is still the first thing I wake up and think about everyday and many times throughout the day..
  18. Hello everyone, I am new to the forum. Hopefully I can get some advice on my situation: There is this girl that I've known since College, we have tons of chemistry and it feels great whenever we're together. But throughout our history she's been inconsistent, resulting in a "off-and-on" kind of relationship. In the past, when I attempted to be there for her, she would come up with excuses to push me away. So I'd go NC on her for years (pretty good at it now) when at some point she'd reach out to me again. Recently, she called off her engagement with her ex and we've been hanging out more. Is there anything that I should be warned about in a situation like this?
  19. I was with my ex-fiancé for just under six years (today would have been our anniversary). We got engaged six months ago and we got into a big fight about drinking. His drinking had caused problems in the past and we worked on it and he had quit. We were doing long distance at that time. Now, I caught him drinking again and I confronted him and he lied. And I tried working with him and he just refused to give this up despite all the problems it had caused in the past. Long story short...I broke up with him. Then realized I made this decision too hasty and the next day I apologized and asked him to work through this and he said no. It’s been about a month and he says he wants to stay friends and he wants to see me because he misses me and loves me but doesn’t want to get back together because he doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with us. We hooked up once since we broke up...not a good thing. I know. And we hung out two times thereafter for a quick hour lunch. When he’s with me...he can’t stop staring and me and telling me I’m beautiful. He’ll joke with me and treat me even sweeter than he did when we were engaged. Which is making me feel like he wants to get back together...so today being our anniversary I asked him to try to work out our issues and he said no. And I asked him well why meet up and be sweet and all this stuff? What’s the point? And he says he misses me and likes to hear my voice and see me move...all the little things. And he says he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I told him that I can’t keep meeting up with him and talking anymore because it hurts to keep seeing him and not be together. He’s my first love and I was his. He told me he’ll let me go for now but he’ll reach out to me when he’s ready for us again. And I asked him if he’s just saying that. And he said I may or I may not, I love you forever. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I want him back so badly. I don’t know if it’s cold feet to get married. I don’t know how you could go from being so in love to just leaving the other person like this. It feels so abrupt.
  20. Ok I will start by saying I love this man. He is my best friend. I seen myself growing old with him. We are so goofy and fun together. We have been together for four years and recently got engaged. Within the first week of engagement signs were everywhere. He told me he had I virus on his phone and I went to fix it. I went to clear web pages out and seen he has been watching porn and I mean lots of it with weird off the wall titles that shocked me. The good woman that I am I asked him if he had a addiction and if so we will seek help and work through it. He said no. Then days later i found out that he has been searching and watching a old friend of mines porn videos which happens to be the mother of his friends kids by the way. I was so upset that I wanted to call his friend and tell him. After that I seen he was on back page looking at ads for women near his job. First he said he did not know how it got there. Then he owned up to it and said he did not do anything and was just looking. We have no kids together but my younger two kids thinks that he is their dad because their biological father abandoned them where they were babies.Men what can you say about this situation and ladies what should I do? Should I run as fast as I can? Please help.
  21. This is a long story but bare with me. Okay about 5 years ago I met my high school sweet heart and we have been dating ever since. She is the first and only girlfriend I have ever had, only girl I have ever kissed, and obviously only girl I have had sex with. We work well together and she is my best friend. We got engaged in May of this year, and I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to get engaged yet, but she kind of put me on the spot so I just followed along and thought things would just work out. As we are getting closer to the wedding date in 2019 I get more and more anxious because I'm not sure I am ready for commitment. I love her and all, but I am wondering if I really love her since she is the only person I have ever had the chance to love. We have semi similar interest but she tends to go with mine more than I go with hers. But not really, I enjoy drinking, smoking, playing games, reading and writing. While she likes typical girl stuff. She won't do any drugs at all (which is fine ) but when we go out it's like I have my mother with me telling me how much I can do, and Everytime I do anything I feel she is judging me, even though when I confront her she tells me she isn't. I used to go camping, and backpacking but she doesn't like doing really hard physical activity. I keep myself in shape and work out 5 days a week. She hasn't worked out probably since highschool and she doesn't always put a lot of effort into sex because she knows I'll do all the work. She has a very dependant personality so she constantly needs attention while I am the complete opposite. The point is recently I have just been noticing a lot of her flaws that bug me now that didn't before. Things that i don't know if I want to live with forever. I have never done anything that would hurt her such as cheat on her. Recently though I have noticed I have been checking girls out more than I ever used to and my mind tends to Wonder. The point is what should I do? Should I stay with her but live with this empty hole I feel inside of me? Or should I try going on my own for a while to see if she is the one, but knowing the risk that she might be the one that got away? My heart wants to go both ways but I know I can't. Also at the same time she hasnt loved anyone else and had sex (that I know of) with anyone else. Should we see other people?
  22. I'm in a real tough situation and wanted some unbiased opinions. Me and my ex-fiancee (we've been together for 5 years) moved to Northern Virginia back in August for her teaching job. It was the first time we've lived together. While I've hated it down there, she hasn't minded it too much. We are both locked into contracts with the school districts and our lease isn't up until August. Anyway, the Thursday before Christmas we had a huge fight before we came back to our hometown for Christmas. It was a petty fight that just escalated into a huge issue. She told me she didn't want to see me for Christmas when we got home and I got stubborn and made her eat her words. Well, during the time we have been home, I've been miserable. After not seeing her for Christmas, I realize it was a total mistake and I miss her like crazy. I went out with my friends for 2 nights when we got home and completely didn't want to talk to her because of the fight. She called me late night to talk about Christmas presents for our families and I told her to take them back because I was still mad after telling me she didn't want to see me. This was her olive branch so to speak. Well, fast forward to New Years Eve and apparently she met someone new in the 9 days we were home. She said we are finished, but we still have to live together. I told her I just want a chance in the next 5 and a half months to see what happens with us. I love her a whole lot and it kills me that a petty fight escalated into hell. She said that anything is possible, but she's ready to move on. I'm devistated that she met someone new that quick. To top it all off, I proposed on New Years Day 2 years ago and it's hard not to be with her right now. I'm hoping that she's just talking mad right now and that when she sees me things clear up. This has been the longest we've never seen each other in 5 years and I hope something clicks when she sees me tomorrow. How can you live with an ex that you are crazy about? How can we co-exist? I'm going to see her tomorrow and I'm so nervous I can't stand it. Thanks for any help.
  23. When my love interest and I met over 2 years ago, he had just learned that he had cancer. Though we had just met, he asked me to move to be with him. Knowing that this was a panic reaction to his news, I gently told him that I would always be there for him and support him through rough times- which I was . I wanted him to chose me in his strength not his weakest hour- plus a red flag of unhealthy attachment arose at this initial request. I offered my support through his year of chemo and radiation therapy, flying to accompany him to office visits, etc. We spoke nearly everyday by phone, emails and he always initiated the contact. I grew to be in love with him after a year and a half of my flying there and him flying here to the east to see each other. We have had an intimate relationship through this uncertain time. We always enjoy our time together. Needless to say, he has undergone much transformation- changed his career, moved even farther away to teach college- something he has always wanted to do and something I encouraged him to do. He will eventually go back to school to become either a research scientist in cancer research or a doctor, which I also support. He has recently expressed that he desires a companion- one to be with him. I asked him why don't you ask me to move to be near you or with you? He replied that he had thought about it . I wanted a committed relationship. He said that he would return home for Christmas to ask his mother because it was such an important question. They are Asian and evidently, this is a family custom. He said he would make a final decision regardless of his mother's input. His past experience is a postponed engagement to his fiancee-he wanted to wait longer to marry . She ultimately married another, had a child less than a year after he broke off their engagement. So, he has a pattern of fear of committment established. I am the first person with whom he has had sex. Before he left, he told me that he is attracted to other women- that he was attracted to his real estate agent (he's looking to buy a home in his new state) and that he is also attracted to a married faculty member on campus. He wanted to have a "platonic relationship" with me , that he loves me, but is afraid of committing. Of course, I was crushed- I told him I felt as if an elephant was tramping on my chest. He sent me a Christmas package , which I couldnt bear to open, but listened to the music he recorded. He does love me. My response was that I didnt own him and he didnt own me. If he thought we should see other people, he was probably right. I would be patient, sex is sex- I love you. I may not be available should he decide in our favor. I very much love this man and want to be his partner. What is your advice???:splat:
  24. ADVICE please!!! Calling all men!!! need your help!! I am embarrassed to ask this question despite my anonymity. Nakedness or darkness? I have had two children from first marriage. I am now engaged to a guy and I insist on never taking my shirt completely off without darkness in the room because my pregnancies made my once tiny tone belly look like a deflated balloon. I think it would be a turn off for my fiancee but I also worry that he gets turned off by my inability to be comfortable with my body. So given a choice of seeing a woman confident with herself and free to be sexually expessive and unihibited... or seeing a not so perfect body of the woman you love, which would it be? PS. woman out there; am I the only one with this hangup? HELP!! I think I'm frustrating him!! but I'm afraid he'll think I'm not so pretty anymore.
  25. I'm new here. Nice to "meet" you all! I am engaged to a man who is an anomily to me. We have been together since 2004. We see and talk everyday tho we don't live together. Since April of this year I have lived in the same building as him, upstairs. I only point that out to give a clear picture of how much time we spend together. I am and have always (maybe since the terrmination of my first 13yr marriage to the man I thought I would spend my entire life with) on the lookout for ways to improve our relationship. I seem to be the only one who sees potential issues needing to be dealt with. He avoids conflict like the plague (his exwife was quite hysterical and out of control) so I understand why he would. He NEVER has issue with anything I do or say or wear or like or think.... I have even asked him, "If there was one thing that got on his nerves or irritated him in the slightest about me, what would it be." He just says there is nothing at all he would change. Nothing I do irritates him except maybe asking that question!(smiles) Its just that I can't believe someone can love some one so unconditionally with no expectations of them. I feel like when I'm the only one who has issues and it ends up making him feel like he disappoints me like when I wish he were more romantic or more open about his wants and desires instead of always conceding to me. Can he be that content or is he just complacent and can't be bothered to deal with certain things?
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