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  1. Hi all, First time poster here to this great website, it has helped me through some tough times. My (ex?) girlfriend and I had some rough times recently and kind of drifted apart. We've been together 4 years and living together that long too. As things became bad there before and after Christmas she decided it was best she moved out to take some time out and get her head straight on us. I fully agreed and helped her move out, all very amicable. She insisted that it wasn't a break-up and that we should just spend some time apart. We both agreed on this. I told her that I thought it would be best that we weren't in contact for the two months so we could really see what it would be like without being in each other's lives. She wasn't overly keen on this but once I explained this to her she understood and accepted. During the first week I got a few texts from her regarding stuff she needed and I would give a single reply. If any post arrived I'd just forward it to her new address. A few weeks into the break I posted her something and she sent a 'thank you' text to which I didn't reply. A few days after that she sent me an angry text that I hadn't replied and that she hoped that nothing else arrived in the post that I would have to forward to her. I replied to this basically stating that I was only doing what we had agreed before she moved out and that if any more post came for her I'd gladly forward it to her, never a problem. That was our last communication, 5 weeks ago and this weekend marks 8 weekends since she moved out. I do miss her. And I think we could make it work again. I'm just wondering if this NC thing was a bad idea as we hadn't actually broken up and were just taking a break. I have no idea what she is up to these days at all. I imagine that she will contact me to meet up next week when the two months have passed. I just wonder if anyone has advice or experience of something like this. Thanks for reading my post. Regards, JimDandy
  2. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
  3. The pressure to be in a relationship, and the suggestion that anyone who isn’t in one is weird and pitiable, has very bad consequences for us all, forcing people into choices they shouldn’t necessarily have to make.
  4. Hey everyone, I'm really happy I found this community. Recently there's a lot happening in my life which leaves me full of confusion and heartbreak. I had the feeling that I need to tell anyone, maybe finding someone who can relate to my situation. I really could use some guidance… I'm sorry that this got so long, it just came over me and I thought I try to draw a full picture here. So… my boyfriend and I met half a year ago when we both started the same studies. It was only three weeks from when we first met to the point when I stayed with him over night and we became a couple. We fell fast for each other. It was this kind of relationship that just feels right from the start and in every fiber of your body, heart and soul. I never felt more loved in my life and he was and is the first person from whom the words "I love you" really mean something and to whom I really feel like they are true and real when I say them. He was honest with me right from the beginning and told me about the psychosis he went through 1 1/2 to 2 years ago which was followed by a severe depression. He told it in a humorous, kind of shy way – I guess he was afraid I could run away as soon as he did. But I was fine. I told him that it's okay, that he's no "crazy person" as he described himself when he told me about it. That I like him for who he is and that I won't go away. Because I had met him when he was in a very good phase – the last months before the beginning of the semester he had recovered from a bad episode and the new beginning and new impressions gave him more perspective – I thought that the disease he told me about would be part of his past. Something he had overcome or learnt to deal with in a good way. At this time I had no idea what "depression" really, REALLY means. I was so naive. Or relationship went on, beautifully, deeply. Times came when he seemed… darker than usual, more distant. Well, can't be a happy person all the time, right? I didn't really think about that these could be symptoms of the depression and thought about other reasons. Maybe our relationship…? Around Christmas he became more distant and I started to worry. Before New Year's Eve he told me that he got some of the psychosis' symptoms again which worried him a lot. So he decided to take his meds again which made him kind of uneasy and tired. We talked about it and I listened to him and his worries, honestly telling him that I'm not sure what I could do or say to help him. He said it's okay – I don't need to say anything, it feels good when I just listen to him. He also has a therapist since the depression first broke out with whom he talks about those new developments and he also has a psychiatrist who supports him on the medical way. So, that's the good thing – he HAS professional help and KNOWS that he is not healthy and he really wants to get better. The next months were tough – our studies required a lot from us which put a lot of stress on both of us. I myself deal with heavy self-doubts and anxiety issues about never being enough or good enough and from time to time slip into very dark, hopeless phases (which are, lucky me, more temporary, but still a problem I have to deal with myself. But in those phases he was always there for me, helping me getting back on my feet – even if it was difficult for him because of the depression. But he did.). So the study's requirements were a lot for me, too. At the same time as we had to finish our final works his life got kind of "bombed" by bad news. Because of his illness he couldn't work for the last years why he got money from the employment office. But because he did not update his new status (being a student) early enough he now had to pay back around 2,000€ – which he does not have as he struggles financially. On top of that, as a student with no income or financial support by his family he now gets financial support from the state to study, but which is not enough to pay for the flat he's living in with his flatmate, paying the health care insurance and not starving every month. So the two of them decided to search for a new apartment both of them can afford. He loves the apartment they're living in and I guess he blames himself as being the only reason why they have to leave… So, many things went wrong and put a lot of stress on him in just a couple of weeks. As I said his mood went darker since the winter months – I guess the lockdown did it's best to make everything even worse. It had a deep impact on me, too, my own issues became more dark and I had problems with it more often. But he really began to struggle a lot. He got more and more distant, wouldn't speak or text me anymore or "colder" as he used to. He got tired early in the evenings, his motivation got less and less. He did not want to do things anymore, watch movies, ride the bike, hang out (lockdown confirmed) with others, didn't want to do anything for his study. I knew he wasn't/isn't a mentally healthy person, but at that time his change often hit me personally and I thought maybe I could be the problem. I only knew those changes in behavior from earlier relationships – when they drop you slowly – and had my problems to handle it. I was hurt and afraid he would start leaving me, that I again wasn't enough to be with me. He was annoyed by this and said he found my self-consciousness exhausting. We argued, but found back together. During our relationship he often explained to me how he felt: It put a lot of stress on him having the feeling to be the one making my day worse. To not be able to give to me what I need or what would make me happy. He felt that I was too focused on him, that I wanted to do things with him all the time, planning my day and my/our activities "around" him. He said he would like it if I could do "my thing" more often when we spent time together – just like a couple living together (which he would like to do someday for real). He also said he likes it when I just do "my thing" even when he is struggling with his emotions and can't do anything, because his own darkness or emptiness gets over him. That this would feel good and would take pressure off of him. He did not want to hurt me with that, I know that. At first I felt hurt, but I started to understand what he was trying to tell me – and yes, of course it is absolutely fine and normal not to spent every minute together even if you hang out, I was just still so full of butterflies that I wanted to be around like 24/7 … I started to inform myself intensively about depression and psychosis, I wanted to understand what was going on inside him. And I wanted to be able to be the best support I could be. I even contacted a psychologic counselor online to get some more professional advice on how to help him and deal with the disease. I tried to give him his space when he needed it, to do "my thing" even when he struggled. He often told me that he likes when I just do something I like for myself when I'm around him. That it feels like I feel at home and he can be more relaxed. When he distanced himself I accepted it. I told him I am there for him, that I believe in him and his strength and that I won't go away just because he suffers from a depression. That he is not the disease, but the person I fell in love with and never stopped doing anything else. Not all the time, but when I felt he needed those words the most. I noticed that his condition got worse and worse. Sometimes he would not go out of bed or would go back in it straight away, starring at the wall, not talking, not eating. He often said things like "I want that everything is over. I don't want to live anymore." When I asked him about those thoughts directly he always said he doesn't want to be anymore, but does not want to do anything for it to happen. According to his therapist this is called a passive suicidality. Sentences like this worried me a lot, but he kept saying he had no intention doing anything to himself. He said he had thoughts like this before, in his previous bad episode before we met. That time he'd isolated himself, couldn't talk to anyone anymore and just wanted to be over. During that time they had emphasized the dose of his antidepressants and he had gone back to the day hospital and the occupational therapy in the gardens of the hospital. That helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong. This all sounds like our relationship went all dark and sad and heavy. But it didn't. He was still there. The person I love and that loves me so much was still there and showed himself so often. He was still there for me, wanted me close, wanted to spent time together. He was full of love, missed me and told me when he did, there was laughing and trusting and passion. We still did things together, went for walks, did long rides with the bikes, enjoyed good weather together, … It still was more that I ever thought I would ever get, it felt like everything. I wasn't exhausted from the disease. Yes, it took energy, can't deny, but I was ready to go though this with him all the way, up and down. One day we walked along the river. He was very silent and I tried to entertain both of us a bit, but due to lockdown and my own inner struggling with the situation (can't deny tho, even if I just was very euphoric. But yeah, two sides of the medal, right?) and myself my topics were kind of limited. We sat on a bench and he told me how exhausted he was, how less hope he had. Nothing was fun anymore, just pain and exhaustion. No motivation. No perspective. No hope. No sense. He was so empty. And he said that it would feel like with his last girlfriend in the last year: That the relationship would make everything worse. I asked if that's because he feels under pressure because of being around someone else. He confirmed. It would feel like he's a burden to me, weighing me down – which burdens him retroactively. He broke up with his ex because of this. We did not break up on this day. I was very worried – because of what he said about the relationship, but also about the condition he was in. It really was the worst so far. I told him all the things again, tried to tell him that he is not alone, that I go this way with him. That he does not have to worry about me – that I can deal with the disease and that I want to deal with it, because I love him and it's okay, if he can't give anything right now. That I am fine with giving. Well, we did not break up that day. The next weeks became tough, I cried many tears alone at home, talked to friends and the counselor I mentioned earlier. I was afraid he would leave me, but kept this for me, stayed supportive and loved. And yeah, he still loved back. The last weeks were, after a long period of darkness, beautiful again. Full of love, it felt like in the beginning. We spent a lot time together. He hold me in his arms, not letting me go, initiated contact – and sex – himself, made plans for activities. We were tender, loving, passionate, supportive – we were like we were never to end, even if there still was distance or darkness from time to time. I knew that that's the disease speaking – not him. I really felt like our relationship gave him something after all and that he felt good being with me. Then last week. On monday he asked if I want to come over, cook something together. His texting was very communicative and he asked if I would like to meet his brother the next day. He would be very happy if I liked to. When I arrived at his apartment he was distant again. We ate something and watched a movie, but we did not really speak. I was in a mood, too. I was stressed by my own issues and felt my own heavy self-doubts and anxiety rumbling under my surface and was a bit insecure/tentative about his mood. But regardless of that he searched for me at night and held my hand in his. The next day already started with me knowing that it wouldn't be a good day. My own issues kept crawling to the surface. He helped me with some things for our studies, but I couldn't hold my own struggle anymore, started crying and feeling empty and anxious at the same time. We had a fight. To keep it short: I was struggling with my issues and his reaction hurt me. He said right and true words, but also words that hurt me. He wanted to help me, but couldn't deal with it at this moment. What I wished for that moment was just a hug, a sign that I am not alone. Not even words, just empathy. Instead he became ignoring and I became mad, because I didn't feel respected and as if my problems would be too less to be important. It got loud, it got ugly, everybody said things that hurt. At the end he talked calmly (but "shaken" from the fight) for a while and his words, well, hurt, because they were true, but helped. But the day was gone and full of bad emotions. I just wanted to visit his brother with him, get something good out of this messed up day. But he said he wanted to visit his brother alone, without me, the mood would be too bad. I panicked, I was so afraid that when I leave his place a distance would start and he would go away from me. I hated myself for what happened, for how hard I snapped that day. I could not stand myself – how could he? I was so sad and frustrated and angry and in shock that I questioned our relationship – and regretted what I said while the words came through my mouth. He froze, did not say a word. I tried to take the words back, tried to explain what was happening in my head. I wanted him to say something. But he did not answer or react, just said he would go to his brother now, didn't want to say anything and left. I could not hold him back or get an answer or a relief. I was so shocked. What had I done. In the evening he texted me: He was still like frozen, didn't know what was happening and going on now and asked for some time to think. I guess I knew what would happen in that moment, but I apologized for everything, told him that I did not mean anything I said. That I don't want us to end, that I want to be with him and that I love him. And I gave him some days time to get his head clear. Last Friday, three days after we had the fight, he broke up with me. He said, I did nothing wrong, it's okay to explode and feel bad from time to time, it's understandable and he wouldn't be mad at all. In fact he believes he would be the one who messed up the most, during the fight and in general. He said he thinks he can't be in a relationship right now. He couldn't give me what I need, he could just take energy and be a burden. He would be unable to be a good partner. He said he just feels really really bad and miserable and he just doesn't want to live anymore. He does not feel like being able to connect or talk with anybody. All he wants is to be dead or alone. He does not see a future for him in which he is healthy, he does not see a perspective or better times. Everything is just taking energy from him and everything will just stay the same, dark, hopeless, senseless, miserable. This would have nothing to do with me, but with the/a relationship in general and he thinks he might be better without it, alone. I knew this would happen. I knew it from the point when we both left after the fight. But I was shocked. Again I tried to give him all my support, my love. Tried to make clear how much I understand and want to understand and that I understand more and more everyday. How much I believe in him and us, that I believe he is stronger than this disease. I tried to remind him of the good moments and good things that still were there and came to him, even if everything was at it's darkest. I told him that getting better IS a possibility for him, that there really CAN BE a way, something better. But all this is not enough. I told him I believe in our love, that I KNOW that it is true and real and there. He can't deny that he did – and does – feel the same way I feel for him. I don't believe him that all our time together would have been just painful, I believe that it was something good and precious. He said it is good that it felt good for me, but for him it was just costing energy and causing exhaustion. Every small thing he did, every kiss, every word, every small touch would have just demanded a lot from him… I believe him. I really do. I saw how much he is struggling. I felt how much he is struggling. And I understand how hard it must be to love and try to be there for someone if you have to fight your own demons every god damn dark day. I know all of this and I really do understand. But I believe so much in us, I love this person so much. He means the world to me. Just one week ago he hold me in his arms, wanted to be with me, wouldn't let me go, made plans for us. Told me how much he loves me. On friday this same person gave me a last, mechanical cold hug and left me. We didn't speak or text since then. Everything inside me feels hurt. The day after the break up I left and went to my family home – I can't be alone or in the same town right now. I cried a lot, sometimes it's getting better and I can think clearer and of something else and laugh with others, but I feel so empty most of the time. I still can't believe what happened. This person was home from me, despite all the dark, depressive times, and it hurts so much to know that I may not come home anymore. I had much time to think, too. As I said, I do understand why he made this decision and somehow I always knew how fragile our relationship was in the core because of his disease. But I believed in it anyway and I know that we were real. That we were different than he and his ex (his flatmate told me the same – the way we were together was different, more loving, and in the end of his and his ex' relationship there were also other things for him that caused the breakup, too, and made him stop believing in it. But well, who knows…) and that we could've go on. I guess this last fight was like a huuge momentum of stress knocking down on him at once – and pushing him to the edge of breaking up. I blame myself so much. I want to believe that there is still hope for us and there are moments when I really feel this hope, when I kind of SEE our future together again. I can't lie – I want him back. I know we are good together and that he felt the same and WAS happy. I am totally aware of what being back together would mean. Yes, being with someone with depression hurts. It is dark and hard and takes so much of yourself and yes, maybe it is better to take it how it is and just go my own way. I have my problems myself which are heavy. I need to heal myself, too – for my sake. But also to really be a support. How can I be there if I weigh myself down and with this him, too? I can image how bad it must have felt for him to see me struggle and not being able to be there for me or not being there ENOUGH. I was fine – I understand that you can't be there all the time. People struggle, have their days when nothing is possible – whether you're healthy or not. It's okay if you can't give everything everyday and I never demanded it. What he could give was always enough. But not for him, he can't see that and I do not blame him for it, for anything. He is ill. His view is blurred. I will give him the time he needs. When he says he's not able to be with someone I believe him and I accept it. I just can't let him go. I mean, I can't even make a clear cut – we study together, have projects together. Everyday I have to see him in our online courses, have to hear his voice which used to be "mine", but is not anymore and it hurts. I update Instagram like every 15mins to see if there's anything new from him. I am so confused and don't know what to do, how to stay close or, more than that, get close(r) again. I want him to know that I am still there for him. I know that love, that I, can't heal him. Only he can. I am happy that he already has professionell support and does not deny his situation. He wants to get better, but has lost his hope and all his energy right now. Life is too dark at the moment. I hope that if some of the "side problems" – like finding a new, nice and more affordable flat – can lift the weight on his shoulders a bit. It won't change everything for good, but maybe it would take some insecurity and pressure from him. I am just so afraid that maybe he really is over us, that we are dead for him, that I am just somebody he used to know. That maybe he really feels better without me now, that I really was a burden he is happy to got rid of… What can I do? I don't want to force myself on him. If he wants time and space to deal with things himself, I respect that. But I can't give us up just now… I am searching for psychological help myself at the moment and try to get my things together, too. I want to find my own strength again I lost years ago and I feel how much I could reflect and learn and understand during our relationship and in the last days. I believe that when we see each other again, I can be a more cleared up version of myself. And yeah, maybe there will still be a chance. I don't know… I love this person so much, I want to go with him all his and our way, through the darkest and the lightest. Thank you for sticking with me till this point. I know it was a lot of text, but it means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Much much love Leonie
  5. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  6. Hi all, Hoping to get some advice on where to go from here, since right now I'm at a standstill. A little bit of backstory - my (33M) gf (30F) have been dating for a bout 2.5 years. It's been a little bit difficult with COVID, and we haven't seen each other in awhile. Without going into too much detail, she has been in a healthcare facility for COVID for about 9 months, but her recovery is going really well. For the first few months she was in the facility, we talked pretty frequently and really didnt miss a beat. We talked about what we would do when she's fully recovered, kids, marriage, the whole 9. The problem - For the past few months we have been talking less and less and ive been really out of the loop. I told her before that Im not going anywhere, and ill be here for as long as it takes, however the only thing i need is to be kept in the loop. I dont need to talk everyday or anything, i just need to know what is going on with her recovery and health. When you dont hear from someone for 5 days and they are in the hospital, obviously one would get worried. It all came to a head two weeks ago when i tried to be pretty vulnerable and tell her that im frustrated. Not at her, but the situation, and its been really hard on me. Im super worried when we dont talk for a week and something might be wrong. She responded with that she is in fact frustrated as well, and all her free time goes towards me, and she is upset that i brought it up. I asked her genuinely if I should back off for a bit, and if she wanted to focus on other things more. From there she became extremely upset, and we didnt talk for about two weeks Last Friday, we had a good heart to heart. I told her that i understood how i didnt recognize how much stress shes under and it was unfair for me to assume she wanted me to back off. She apologized for not keeping me in the loop, and although she was still mad, we seemed good. However, last night i called her, she didn't answer, and then texted me "What?" I told her i just wanted to chat so called her again - she responded with "Stop Calling me." I was so incredibly floored - i thought we were in a good place, and now im getting the cold shoulder. I just asked her what is going on, cause youre acting like youre over it and if thats the case i need to know. no response. I basically said ok, well im here to talk. no response. Basically i just need to know what to do. Something liek this has happened before, where she gets so upset over something and takes it way out of line, and it usually comes in times of stress. I just dont know where to go from here and what to say. Any advice is appreciated!
  7. Okay - question time: I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th). I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person. I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit. He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives. Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity! He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down. He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc) I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day). Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold. I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all. So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on? I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?
  8. Hello everyone ! I met a girl on January, we filrted for months and then I confessed. She became my girlfriend and made it official. We agreed about a serious relationship. She told her family about me, everything was perfect. I was her first boyfriend. I asked her if was free this week to have a date but she said that she was sorry and something was planned. (okay, it happens) The thing is that, out of the blue, I received a message. She said that she had no space in her heart recently because of problems in her family. ( I knew that was not the reason and asked for more explanations). She said that she needs to follow her own pace and that if I wasn't respecting that we shouldn't be in that relationship. No problem, I always respected her rythm, several times in our relationship I gave her a lot of time to think about our situation and asked her how she felt about a lot of things. So, I offered her some time to think. She ignored my offer and then she proposed me a "friendship" because she "wanted to go back to friends". I couldn't see myself doing that after all the love words we said to each other. I think she got scared about all the new feelings she discovered in that new kind of relationship and wasn't sure about what she wanted. So, I told her that it was impossible after all this story. I thanked her for everything and I said It was better for me to move on. I refused her "friendship" even if I was hurt. She said "Okay thank you for everything too" (maybe she got confused and didn't expect that.). That idea was confirmed because 10 minutes later she asked if that meant that I will not keep in touch with her anymore. I said that going back and pretending that nothing happened was impossible for me and that she knew that a friendship will be weird after our story. If she really wanted our relationship to end, that was the end. Then, she sent a few messages that " she didn't know if I was going to read it", thanking me for everything I did, that it was very sad to end it but if I wanted to end it, she will accept it. ( I think she tried to act as a victim and reverse the situation even if she was the one who dumped me because she didn't want me as a boyfriend anymore.). She told me I had a beautiful heart and she was sure that I will find a nice girl not like her. I replied (I think it was a mistake). I wanted to make her realize that she decided to end it. I thanked her for everything too, I said she made me happy and gave me good memories. I told her that I didn't want it to end like this, that we could have had a beautiful story but if she only wanted me as a friend and nothing more, I'll accept it but I can't stay. I told her that I was sure that she'll meet some other nice friends. I wished her a beautiful life. She said " Thank you" and everything ended on this. We broke up 4 days ago and we had no contact at all from this day. Do you think I should keep the no contact or should I text her to have a real discussion after that ? Because everything happened so fast and I feel like we wanted to say more but we couldn't because of emotions. Thank you for reading !
  9. Many of us are doing NC on this board. Have read SuperDave71's motivational threads on NC. Some even signed up for his 30 days NC challenge to heal and feel better about ourselves. But the thing is...it is hard to stay in NC especially if it's your first time around! So I thought I'd create a post so those currently doing NC, and those who had lived through NC, can support and motivate each other - not to break NC that is...
  10. I just found out that one of the places I work for, well they don’t just favour their main tech for shows, I’m not the second person on the list of possible people to book I’m lower (how low who knows). And above me is a tech that I gave them the contact details for. He’s a consummate tech all good but I’m consummate too and I was working there first! I’ve been doing odd shows for this company for going on 6 years and in that time they’ve had a revolving door of preferred techs, I’ve never been at the top, and I’ve never fallen off the list completely. I like to tell myself the others are cheaper or faster or better because they can heft staging and truss around as well, but I don’t know really what the calculus is. I think I do a good job of the actual sound engineering. Sometimes clients mention specifically that I’m great and it’s been great working with me. I did have one really bad shift late last year where the boss expected me to get x, y, z done in 3 hours and in 3 and a half hours I had only managed x and y. I don’t know why I was so slow that day. I do think in general I’m just not a fast worker, more methodical and slow is my nature, and at 33 years old, I don’t really know that I can change this. It’s much worse when I’m trying to do things at home I just really struggle to keep focussed on the task at hand. But mixing live music doesn’t require you to be fast like that (it Does require you to be fast in your reactions to what is going on in audio land but I Am fast at that, noticeably more efficient than other techs I’ve seen working....I don’t think my boss know enough about sound to be able to see that though, certainly no one gives the slightest care to how people’s mixes actually sound in my experience, so that, something I am good at, is not valued a the places I work really). It’s been really upsetting to learn this, triggering a negative spiral where I think about all the other places where I’m not top of the list (there have been a hecking lot of them over the years). Is this me getting a concussion on the glass ceiling again? Do I just suck? Am I fine at the job but my personality is too esoteric and quirky and people try not to book me because they just don’t like my company? I don’t think I can improve my standing with this company, if someone doesn’t value you they don’t value you right? And jumping up and down crying “WHY DON’T YOU VALUE ME” won’t help at all. It feels like eating a sh*t sandwich taking the absolute dregs of what work is available, it really really Really does. But I don’t exactly have other job options knocking at my door. Pragmatically speaking I must do the jobs I have been booked for to the best of my ability and hope I creep back up the list as I put more and more good shows between me and that set up where I was too slow. Pragmatic thinking does nothing to temper my emotional reaction to the knowledge I am held in disdain. Best outcome would be finding work somewhere else that keeps me busy enough that I can be in the same position as my colleague, saying no to their shifts because I’m already booked. I’ve been in this industry for 13 years, he’s been in it maybe 5. He was already eclipsing me when we first met and that’s probably 4, 5 years ago. I say again he does a good mix and he’s a hard worker. But have also done and been those things, and I do not progress in the same way, and I never know if that’s gender or my work is not up to scratch. I do know though that no one has ever been willing to take me under their wing and mentor me and I get the feeling that does happen to techs who are embraced and employed by hire companies (for all that I have done working in this industry, and I do actually make a comfortable living from being a sound tech, mentoring from more experienced techs is really not something I’ve had access to, there are so many industry standard things I just don’t know because most of my skill set has been work it out on the job learnt.) Also pragmatic I guess, if there was a way I could ask why I am low on that list of contacts that made it sound like I was trying to do some professional development rather than just petulance, I should ask. Anyone that has a good script for broaching that’s topic I would be very very grateful. Thanks for reading this far you rock! TLDR: I’m not valued at work and I want to find out why without it sounding like me whining. Also it’s upsetting to learn how true that statement is
  11. I am SO depressed. I know I am constantly repeating myself on ena, but I like to catch up new readers. It has been three months since he broke up with me, and I do not miss him any less. I just REALLY REALLY want him back. I miss my friend, I miss my escape, I miss my love, I miss him so much. I have begged, pleaded, put my dignity on the line for this man so he could possibly come back. I have had my friends to talk to him, I have had his friends to talk to him. I have called his mom and asked for advice, I have wrote him letters, I have gave him gifts with a card containing more "I'm sorry" letters in it. I have stalked him on a fake account on facebook. Every time I saw him I broke down in tears and begged him to take me back...EVERY TIME. Anytime I needed a ride to work it was always depressing, because I couldn't hold on to his arm like I wanted to. I couldn't kiss him like I wanted to, I couldn't get a response back when I said "I love you" and it killed me, it still does. I called over 100 times one night, and that is not exaggerating. He picked up infuriated at me. I told him that I have been fighting for him for two months, can't he see that I am miserable? He responded back to me that that should be a big enough hint to leave him alone. I cried so hard that night. Every day I would call him anyway hoping he would pick up, some days I would call and text more than others, and I would never get a response. It was torture! I gave up, and tried no contact and I was somewhat healing. It was hard but I felt better every day, but I still wanted him. He started contacting me first, and that was very rare after the break up. It sucked to ignore his calls and texts, and if I did answer I pretended like I was not interested "What do you want?" One night he called me more that 7 times over, I ignored it, he asked me to pick up on a voicemail. I sent him a simple text saying "text" to let him know to text me. I wasn't so clingy. One day he arrived at my house unexpectedly. I answered the door "What are you doing here?" He told me he was going to call be he was afraid I would reject him. I invited him in. He told me he missed me, and missed our times together. I told him that that was his fault and he made us like this. He was quiet and I had this hard attitude on and I asked him "Do you need anything else or are you just going to stand there?" He told me he would leave, and he did. I did not chase after him like I usually would. He came back 5 minutes later ( I left the door unlocked). I asked him "What do you want, you must really miss me or something" He responded "What if I said I do?" I immediately caved and told him how I felt. I told him I missed him and I thought of him everyday. I told him that I wanted us more than anything. We had sex, and the next day we went out he seemed miserable to be with me. Later that day he told me that maybe we should stop talking. I was shocked! I asked him why did he come over, he told me that he did not want us to have any problems. I do not get that, if we aren't talking we would practically strangers right? How would there possibly be any problems if I am not talking to him or about him and vice versa. I asked him why did he have sex with me? He told me it just happened, sex is just sex and I should get over it. I itched a scratch for him. I degraded myself once again and showed him that I did not have any respect for myself, and to make it worse. I begged for another chance. I told him I have learned my lesson, that I will never hurt him that way ever again. He said that I have BEEN saying that, what make this time any different. I told him that I have had months to think about my actions, that it is totally different because he actually broke up with me, that I know what is on the line now. I never thought he would leave but now I know. He agreed to give me a chance. I felt somewhat better. I went on my fake account and snooped again. I saw that he had just got off of work, and he was wondering if anyone wanted to hang out because he claimed to be bored. I called him and asked him what he was up to, I acted surprised to hear him say that he was off work. I asked if he wanted to hang out or something. He told me that he was tired and that he was going to stay in that night. On his facebook, an hour or two later, he was tagged at some place downtown, and took pictures with his friends. So basically he lied to me, but I can not confront him because that fake facebook account is not me, to him it is someone else. I blocked him from calling me and texting me out of frustration. I could not call or text either. I let a day go by before curiosity got the best of me. I snooped again, I really wish I never created this fake page in the first place. I saw that his mother was in the hospital. I was very close to his mother, so I unblocked him and called. He answered, my heart started beating hard, I love the sound of his voice when he answers the phone. I asked if everything was okay? I asked if he was alright and his mom as well. He told me everything was fine, but then asked how I knew his mother was in the hospital. I lied and said that a specific mutual friend told me. I knew he would cover for me if my ex had asked him. He then asked if I blocked him, and that he was frustrated because he tried to reach me. He wanted to tell me about some UFO in the sky (because we were into that type of thing) that he think he might've saw, and he told me no one would believe him but me. He asked me "Why talk about getting comfortable just to block me the next day? That's not cool." We had casual convo, I was happy. He asked to stop by, I said sure. He didn't come in, I got in the car with him. Another round of casual convo. He left, and I was content with things. The next day, I woke up early, cooked him some cinnamon rolls because he is crazy over them, went outside and picked a flower from the garden and made a home made card for him and told him to come over. He stopped by for literally a few minutes and received the card and the baked goods. Before he left, he told me that I could call his mom, check on how she is doing (when before he told me to don't even think about calling his mother again because I am no longer family anymore). I was overjoyed to hear him say that. He left, and another day I was happy. The next day I did not contact him first, around 2pm he did. He told me the cinnamon rolls were delicious and he thanked me. We text back and forth and we joked around. I thought that maybe I did it! Maybe I fixed things and I could finally start showing him how I have changed. The next two days we did not speak at all. I started reading relationship advice and blogs, forums etc.. Some of them told me that NC DOES NOT WORK! That what makes you think that a partner would keep interest in you if you are not in the picture, especially if I am the one at fault. I panicked and called the next day. I explained to him that I want to try to get more comfortable with each other, and that I wish to try a relationship with him only with time. He seemed okay to what I had to say. Every day I started the contact. We would talk, normally or so I thought. I always had this weird feeling going on that he didn't want to. But why respond if he did not want to? We texted, occasional talk every now and then. I rushed out and bought his mom a Mother's Day gift, I asked him first though. Then I posted this thread on ENA, and it discouraged me to no end It is titled I am tired of being an ex. I refuse to follow no contact. I thought that I had the right idea by trying to prove to him that I am a positive person and that I am not as negative as I used to be in our relationship. EVERYONE SHOT MY IDEAS DOWN. I was scared. So for the past 3 days it have been no contact, and that is where I am right now... on the third day of no contact, desperately typing out my feelings here. I snooped just about an hour ago on his page, it turns out he is going on vacation out of state. Do you not think that that is something that he should have told me if we were working on getting comfortable. Why agree to work on us if he doesn't even want to talk to me. If he wanted to, I wouldn't be the one initiating first contact all the time. Here is what I have learned, and here is also what scares me. Despite how negative the poster are on ENA, if 88 out of 90 posts are telling me to leave him alone, then I guess I should get the hint. As you said pushing him for responses, and texting him again when he does not text back is only pushing him away. I also found out that I am filling a void for him. I am helping him move on because he have the familiarity of texting me, getting my responses and it somewhat (for lack of a better word) "soothing" to him. I am somewhat in the friend zone. He has the comfort of texting me, while he has no strings attached to me what so ever. So basically he can text me, and the proceed to see another woman if he wanted to. He has the ball completely in his court. He can see another woman if I was talking to him or not, regardless of what I do. Now I understand that no contact is to heal and improve myself. It is not to get him back. I understand that. But the goal is to improve myself and possibly get him back. I just want him back to the point I will do any and everything. I think I messed up too much though. Maybe if I stuck to no contact in the beginning hope would be there. I seriously doubt that he would knock on my door again, or even say the things he did before. I am so freaking depressed over this whole thing please. Someone snap me out of this depressed stage please!! For some reason, I find it hard to picture him contacting me
  12. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  13. Hello everyone I hope you're doing well, I'm currently a month into a breakup with a man who used to talk about our future and wanted to marry me. We met in high school and dated on and off up to college. The breakups before were initiated by me--most being from my insecurities and depression; the usual "he can do better than me". The last breakup I initiated I had felt unhappy in the relationship and broke up with him and dated a mutual friend of ours for one day before I didn't feel right. Within the week I had gone back to check up on him and he was doing awful. He was having self-identity issues and thinking about dying (though not trying to actively commit suicide or anything.) The dude I had left him for manipulated me and guilt tripped me for months along with other terrible things and I had a hard time cutting him out but I eventually did as my ex-boyfriend wanted. We got back together after a while of that and fast-forward two years to now. He ended it saying he didn't feel like he loved me anymore and that what had happened two years ago made him lose everything. I know I hurt him deeply and for the past two years I'd done all I can to help heal his hurt and trust. He said after a while that he did trust me and he believes me. During the breakup, he said I did nothing wrong and I did everything I could, but I disagree. Looking back on the last few months after the breakup I can say we definitely fell into complacency and negativity. The day before the breakup he sent me encouraging messages and told me how proud of me he was for getting over my past insecurities, how much he appreciated all the things I've done, and how I always tried my best in everything I put my mind to. We initially kept low contact for the first few weeks and met up twice to discuss the relationship (which was a no from him) and giving him his birthday presents I had gotten him before the breakup. When we discussed the relationship and breakup he said he felt unhappy that he couldn't feel anything for me anymore and it got to the point where he was drinking to try to feel anything. I agreed with him that it was unhealthy and I wished he had told me what was going on. I asked him if there would be a chance in the future, after he feels better with himself, for us to try again and gave me an "I don't know". He doesn't want a relationship right now and I understand and respect that. Currently, I'm trying to give him space and not contact him. He told me while he does not mind talking to me, he has no interest in doing so. Yet a few days ago he initiated contact by sending me a couple messages and pictures but the conversation wouldn't last too long and I left him alone after he stopped responding. As much as I hate the breakup, I understand why he did it--he was unhappy and that's all he really needs to make this decision. He's improving and finding hobbies to do and reaching out to old friends again (this was something I suggested while we were in the relationship, but he said he couldn't do it while in the relationship). He told me he would always put me first in the relationship and he did that to himself. That was never what I wanted and I told him that, that I wanted a relationship where we both focus on ourselves and each other. There's not much I can do other than focus on myself and my happiness and it's coming along. I'm finding the parts of me that I lost in the relationship: my self-confidence and independence. He told me in the end I was being really dependent on him and he's right. I'm sure that made it much more difficult for him during the relationship. I still think of him all the time and miss him dearly, but I know I can be happy with myself. I was happy with myself before but he filled my heart and after that left I felt so lost. I still have hope that there is a chance for us, as we've been through so much already and always came back together. However, I don't want to bank on that. Instead, I'm hopeful in the time we spend apart becoming better versions of ourselves. Anyways, this is terribly long but I was wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how it turned out for you? What is the possibility that his unresolved issues from two years ago affected his feelings? Maybe he put up an emotional wall from it all? Advice would be greatly appreciated too. Thank you.
  14. Hi everyone, I have a situation that I really need some advice with. So there is this girl whom I met after she introduced herself to me at school. I talked with her briefly and she dropped out and lost all contact with her until about a month ago. We became good friends incredibly quick, went out to a bar the first time we hung out and wound up stayin up till 6am. We have so much in common and generally was the first time I had ever felt so comfertable with a girl after just meeting them. From that night on we have been talking, texting or hanging out every single day since. She let on right away that she had some "unfinished business" and had been dating on and off again with a guy for a year or 2. Which didnt bother me at first, but over the past couple weeks I've been developing feelings for her. We've gone out quite a few times since and we've both been very flirty with each other. However as of late her guy and her have seemed to gotten back together. Even though she has told me this she still keeps in constant contact with me, and I do truly enjoy talking and seeing her. We've hung out numerous times since but she won't actually admit that she is back in a relationship, and everytime the guy is brought up it is never anything positive yet she says she loves him. I played cool for awhile but eventually she said she knew I liked her, but that she already has someone else, yet she calls me everyday after she gets out of work, we stay out late togther when we hang out and shes invited me back to her place on more than one occasion though nothing happened besides laying down with each other. From someone who maybe has been in this before, is this girl attracted to me? I told her my feelings for her the other night, she didn't respond back but the next day she called me and we went out later in the evening, we've casually talked about it but it seems as if she is still expressing interest in me, she remembers things that are goin on in my life, we generally connect as if we've known each other for years. I don't know where to go from here I told her I would respect her relationship but that I do care about her and like her as more than a friend. I would have figured that she would have made an attempt to see or contact me less if she was truly commited to her guy, but I cant figure this out. Is she just that cool of a person to where it doesnt bother her, or does she actually seem like she feels the same way as I do based on her actions? I am curious if anyone has an opinion or advice to give me, I don't want to barge in on a relationship, but I do care about her and could see myself with her and becoming serious. Should I pull away alittle bit, express my feelings to her again in hopes she might tell me how she really feels? or just attempt to remain friends?
  15. My ex lover has been telling me for the post few weeks to NEVER contact him again. I am having a problem with NC. I keep trying to call and text over and over. Sometime I get a one word reponse like "Stop". I admit it's gotten out of control and I appear psycho. He has said, Stop, Leave me alone, Don't ever contact me again, You're insane, - you get the idea. Today he told me if I change my behaviour, maybe he will change his thought of me. He said MAYBE MAYBE he will contact me if he wants to talk, but my actions have not helped my cause. I know he's moving on and I am ok with that. It has little to do with him finding someone else, I expect that and can accept it as that is normal. What hurts the most is that he can forget the good times and has no desire to remain friends or to give it some time to heal and then catch up as friends. Given what he said, do you think if I back off there is a chance I will hear from him eventually?
  16. Greetings! I have read several articles and seen YouTube videos advising to NOT reach out to an ex on Christmas or the Holiday Season. However, my goal is not to get my ex-wife back, but simply to re-establish a bridge of communication for a potential friendship in the long-term. I absolutely have no intentions in a long-term reconciliation. A bit of history: my ex-wife left me 5.5 years ago to ''find herself'' after a 6-year marriage (she has been single since then). We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. She is still single, bitter, and her heart is full of anger towards me and life in general. Our mutual friends and myself, including therapists I spoke with in the past, suspect either bipolar disorder or narcissist (cops showing up in restaurants asking her to leave because she is yelling and lashing out at the server or a waitress, etc.). Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd. I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?'' Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication. Thank you in advance for the advice and kind regards!
  17. Met this guy through OLD. Spoken a number of times on the phone. I'm a texter..he prefers me to call. Been in and out of contact for a year. We talk and then lose momentum. Last time we spoke six months ago now. He told me he feels like he's only an option to me. Im guessing its because of the on and off contact. He tried to cut if off a while back as he said he doesnt want to be a pen pal. I think he assumed things were never going to get off the ground as according to him im not doing enough to move things along. Then we started speaking again. What happened last was six months ago he asked me to meet while i was on the phone to him. I agreed. But then nothing came of it. He wanted me to send another pic of myself before the meeting. I messaged him a couple of times about other things unrelated to the meeting...so i didnt mention it..neither did he. And that was that 🤔. In hindsight maybe i should have brought it up or something. I can be very passive sometimes 😶. Any way neither of us contacted the other after that and six months went by. I would have met him then but it was difficult due to being in and out of lockdown. And i know i really should have mentioned that. And again we are in lockdown for another few weeks minimum. So i probably wont be able to meet him now. I had genuine interest in this guy..even though he assumed i saw him as an "option". I just wondered how i could reach out to him now and what to say. As he maybe extra skeptical. ( if he wants to even talk to me again). My guy " friend"who is extra negative. Keeps saying he doesnt care about you..hes probably forgotten you. Which i find odd in itself. As its not like he knows the guy. But yeah we had a huge argument over him making silly comments and now we've both blocked one another. I just said to him out of anger i hope me and that guy do end up speaking again so your plan wouldn't have worked to separate us. ( hes made negative comments for a year since i met the guy which only made the situation worse). Going back to the topic..how do i convince him im serious and am genuinely wanting to start again? In terrible at expressing myself..just need some tips. 😭😢 P.s I've fd it up every time we spoke. He gave me chances...and even tried to get me to open up and express myself but i end up self sabotaging and then he gives up i guess. Its like a pattern. 🤔 for example he straight up asked me if i like him...if i want him..and i still couldnt give a straight answer. I think i said either maybe or sometimes. Not even a yes or no.
  18. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now. We'd consider ourselves to be in a committed relationship with hopes to someday get married and start a family of our very own. I am a 34 year old professional and she is 26 year old full time student. There have been challenges in communication between the two of us and we're currently seeking professional couples counseling as a result of recent events. I had been contacted by a lesbian couple interested in having me become their sperm donor. I have known this couple for six years and would consider them to be wonderful women who exemplify the stability one would look for in a committed relationship. I enjoy spending time with them but we don't regularly make plans to meet up or stay in contact. They don't know my girlfriend very well but have been aware of out three year relationship. I had received an email about four weeks ago asking if I had time to meet up with them for coffee. I imagined it would be for a business proposal and honestly didn't see this coming. When we finally met up, my girlfriend went shopping in town and I sat with the ladies and heard their proposal. They informed me that they were looking to start a family in the next six months and both of them agreed that I was someone they had in mind as a possible donor. All three of us discussed the weight of a decision like this and that nothing would be decided until I sought council with my girlfriend, family and any other people I'd usually count on for an objective view. I lost track of time in all this discussion. That's not something I'm use to doing and as I walked accross the street with this heavy topic I worked on how I would deliver the simple suggestion of discussing their proposal. To be honest, I envisioned my girlfriend listing the reasons why my involvement in this proposal was a bad idea and that we didn't need something like this to consider while going through a fragile stage in our relationship. What I got was a visceral response that suggested I was completely out of my mind. She stated if this was something I was even considering that there was no future for us as tears poured down her face. Usually I have a real soft spot for tears but the volume of her voice and her inability to see this as a means for us to have an adult discussion felt like I was being attacked for something I hadn't even done. This never made it to the conversation stage I hoped it would. She clearly stated that the fact I ever considered it was her reason for a now untouchable topic. She insists that I need to be someone who can come to my own conclusion regarding topics like this. Have I done anything wrong? Is this something I can't understand because I'm a man? Am I unable to empathize with her pain and frustration because of my ego? I reflect on this relationship as one that we've both grown a great deal from and feel this is a deal breaker on both of our radars. She wants someone who would know her well enough to turn this down right on the spot and I want someone who I could take anything to and weigh out the pros and cons in a way that speaks to why having a companion is a wonderful and supportive experience. As I mentioned earlier, we are now going to relationship counseling that I suggested we consider a couple of times in the past. She was not open to it before but this has made her willing to try. We agreed to take this issue off the burner completely by me contacting the couple and telling them that while I appreciate the consideration this is not something that I can be a part of. I really need some clarity from objective men and women from all walks of life. Along with your responses please suggest some other forums where this would be appropriate.
  19. That will be long and badly written post, as I am not native speaker. I hope I can describe my situation properly... I was in 10 years old relationship. I meet my BF when I was 18, he was 19. That was strong relationship from the beginning, and we went through many difficult situations - moving from city to city, finding first new jobs, once I was jobless for a while and he helped me, once he was jobless for a while and I helped him, - many stressful situations, and we handled it together. And we lived our life for years, it wasn't 100% easy and non problematic, we had issues with each other. For example we gained some weight - we were lazy, no sport in our life, no one was willing to cook, so we most of the time ordered food, which wasn't very healthy. He was angry at himself and me that were fat, we had many attempts to loose weight, but it failed again and again cos we hadn't strong will, and he mostly throw all response on my side, I had to do our healthy menu, because he didn't even know what he wanted to eat. So I failed being fit, i wasn't enough strong will for our two. It will be important later on my story. For many years I didn't want any commit from his side - I even didn't want into marriage thoughts. I thought that it isn't necessary for us. But about 1,5 years ago things has changed - I wanted from my life more. I wanted to change something. We lived together in his apartament for five years which was totally mess - it had to be completely renovated. It looked like drugs addict den - old, falling wallpapers, cheap floors that was moving etc. I wanted to change that, even if this wasn't my flat, I started to talk with him about renovate this, because this level of mess caused like I feel depressed, and he too. That wasn't a place you want to back every day, but you still have to. He don't want to do this at first, but I insisted, I want made a place for proper living for us. After time he agreed, but he was low on money, so he decided to do all renovation for his own hand to save possible as many money as he could. And this was a fall for our relationship. At first, he assume that all of it will take him alone three months. On this time, I moved to my family house, and he moved to his. But things wasn't so easy like he saw it - when he break all uneccesary walls and destroyed everything in this apartment, we realize that it will take much more time than we assumed. After three months, where we lived separately, but still in contact eye to eye every day, I started to loosing my patience - I started to insist on hiring professional people to do this renovation. I was so desperate, that I wanted even pay for this (he won't accept any money from me for this renovation, as we weren't married and apartment was his), beacuse he worked about 8 hours six times a week, and doing this renovation jobs after work, he was stressed, exhausted, depressed, had no time for me or his passions. I support him every way I was able to, I even cooked him dinners at my family home, and delivered it to him, as his own mother didn't have time to even do groceries (she's jobless, only his father works) I started to pushing on him, as I had enough living separately. I often told him that he works too much. Half year from starting renovation, one day he lost his mind when I started to talk about this situation - and he break up with me. He told that he is not seeing future with me, he don't even know if he love me anymore, that I stressed him so badly he can handle it anymore. I was devastated. He crushed my heart. I went into my family house, and for three days I don't even eat anything, I couldn't do anything, I was simply a zombie. That was before New Year. After 3 days I started to live somehow, I even go to New Year party with my friends, and when I went into drunk phase I was partying pretty not bad. Five days after breakup I contacted him, we met because I want to talk about getting from him my stuff, and he looked terrible. I told him that I want to take my things when he will have time, he started to crying, I told him if he will want to talk to me about us, he should contact him, and I left him. He called me next day, ask for meeting, we met up and he... He crawled at me, begged me for forgivness, told me that I am love of his life, that he made a worst decision in his life when he break up with me. He spent this five days of breakup lying on the floor and drinking in lonely (and he never was into alcohol) I was still devastated, but I forgave him. We reconcilied at that time. This short breakup was like a alarm clock for me. I decided to cut off from this renovation, as all my help for him didn't work, and it only get things worse. I concentrated on myself this turn - I went to professional dietician. I started to loosing weight. Guys, this aspect of my life changed about 180 degrees, I did one thing, that we always wanted - but alone. I lost 21 kg in seven months! Learnt how to live in fit way, have healthy diet and habits. I started to try new things, like swimming pool, and painting. I stopped ask him about this apartament, I didn't want to pressure him. He told me at first days of reconcilliation that he want to make this renovation for us, and he will show me progress over time. After three months there was no clear progress in this flat. This situation clearly overgrown him, and he can't handle this. I started to doubting in him, I was so worry about his health and wealth, I started ask him again about situation. He wasn't into talk about his problems. I finally gave him an ultimatum - he will borrow money from his father (who proposed it to him by himself earlier, but my BF don't want it) and hire some professionals, or I never return to this apartment ever. That was harsh, but I did it not for me wanting this apartament, but I couldn't watch him being more and more exhausted and depressed. Frankly, at this moment I didn't believe in my returning to this apartament ever... And he agreed. He hire some man, who have time in half of August. And he went colder and colder for me. Man, who spoke after proposal to me, after our return. That was first time, when I hear from him, that he want to marry me in the future... He never told me earlier that he want marry me. 4th of July he came into my place, where we were alone, I was preparing something good to eat for us, we were laying naked on the bed and cuddling, and he started talk about this renovation. That was from his side, I didn't even ask. I reply something about it, don't remember what, but this conversation went crazy, he lost his mind again, he started to cry (that was second time I saw him crying, he's like a bear not a man), he told me AGAIN that he doesn't know what he want, that I pressured him and I was not being supportive - at this moment I lost my mind and cold blood, and shouted at him, that for first half year of this renovation I would sell organs for him, I cooked for him, I helped him doing things in this apartment, and then HE DUMPED ME, so how i could be supportive after this all? He broke my heart, and do very little to our relationship, as he was busy with work and renovation. He apologized me for this, but continued talking about me pressuring him by my asking about progress, and it was like he was looped in my mistakes from first half year of renovation - which I try to not continue later, but he seems like he didn't noticed. He told me that there is no spark between us. That our relationship is not working. That i was never into his passions (he plays music), that I was never willing to go to his family (which is true, but I don't want to contact his family much, because I feel so insecure about him) That he don't know what he want. And he want to break with me. I asked him to say that he don't love me. He said that. Later I asked him, if he told me that, because is it true, or I asked for it? He told, that he don't know if he love me, but he don't want to keep me in that state second time. Told me, that he was so much caring for me, but now he can see us only as a friends, as he can't imagine me not being in his life at all. A man, who two months ago was talking about proposal, marriage, even kids with me, now gone. I don't understand this situation at all. I wrote to him on messenger enormous message that I love him, I want for us everything best etc. He don't replied. The next day I asked for talk, he agreed, I told him that I think, that he is under so pressure with this renovation, that he isn't thinking clearly. That he needs help, because it seems like he have serious depression. He told me that he feels so bad, everything gone wrong, he wont even take care of me because all his money go into this renovation (I can't understand this argument as I have stabile, well paid job and take care of myself, really) and he needs time. I asked how much, week, two? He said that he don't know, month, maybe two. I said well, okay. I would not contact you, but you are still very important to me. And i went into NC. Today is 29 day of completely no contact. I was like zombie for two first weeks. Now I'm feeling much better, but still crying and thinkig of him every second. I love him so much, but I don't want to live like this. I don't want to even contact to him. I want him so badly, and in this time I don't want him at all. Please, tell me something. Anything.
  20. So a little over a year ago, my girlfriend had a summer fling with this guy younger than her, and he took off without calling, etc. A month later I met my girlfriend. About oh, 4-5 months later he started sending her text messages like "What's up" - simple little messages. She would respond, talking about school and things. It was probably like a message every month, no big deal. I asked her about him after the first message, and she said she didn't regret it because she felt like she was someone else - doing crazy things she wouldn't normally do, etc., but she said he was immature and that's why she said she wouldn't date anyone younger anymore - her sister also told her she wasn't acting like herself with him. PLUS, he was a rebound and it only lasted a month. So back in April, he sends her a message while I'm sitting right there. I started to get a little uncomfortable since I knew their history together now. She asked if she should stop responding, but I said no, it's something I have to learn to deal with. She didn't quite understand why I was a little jealous, so I brought up how it would make her feel if I was still in contact with someone she had even THOUGHT I'd slept with before. She said I had a point. She stopped replying to his messages, even though I told her she can do what she wants because I trust her. I don't trust HIS motives, but I trust her. Last night, I went to log onto Facebook. Thinking I was the last one to log on, I went to Facebook and immediately to the inbox. Turns out it was her account that was still open, and a wall-to-wall conversation to him that she initiated the other day was there, asking him how he's been and apologizing for not texting back. Then she asked for his phone number again since she got a new phone and lost her contacts. He gave it to her and asked her to lunch sometime. She didn't reply. Do I have a reason to be worried? I've always trusted her, but all of a sudden all the past relationships I've been cheated on in came flooding back and now I'm starting to feel insecure. She's told me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and talks about us getting married and raising a family together, and I keep saying this to myself to help this paranoia go away. And yes, I do feel bad snooping.
  21. So I (35M) met a very nice girl on Tinder 1,5 months ago. We already knew each other from over 10 years ago but have not talked since we were younger. Our conversation was awesome from the very beginning, she initiated conversations, shared pictures of her daily life etc. After the first date she said she definately wanted to meet again and so we did. I spent a evening and night with her (no sex) and it was wonderful, I actually think I let myself fall in love with her at that point. I thought we were moving in a good direction but I started to get other thoughts very soon. After I spent night at her house, I noticed she did not initiate any conversation anymore on WA but she replied to me anyway. I asked her out to a restaurant and we agreed to meet in a few weeks time (before christmas). Because I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, I also asked how she felt about us right now. She said she has had very nice time with me but it is too soon to say where we are heading as couple and wants to take things slow. I was somehow devasted because I had misread the situation so badly and let my guards down too soon and my heart was again taking a hit. I never knew it was possible to get hurt after such a extremely short period of time but here we are. What is interesting that we have not even separeted our ways (officially) but I still kinda FEEL she ended things there. My head is a complete mess now. We have not talked for a couple days (never went this many days without contact before) and we still have booked a date in a few weeks time. What should I do? Should I totally forget about her or maybe be there for her and text her every now and then? I also fear that I will grow resentment and that would destroy everything.
  22. Hello all. 36 yo guy here. I've been seeing another bi guy for 3 years. The last few weeks he started seeing this girl and i quickly felt him phasing me out. He promised he would not phase me out. We've been going over this for a week. This morning i confessed my deep seated fear that every guy i know will eventually choose a girl over me, but that I was trusting him because he promised me i wasn't being replaced. He invited me over today, and his new girl showed up. He told me to leave so he could spend the night with her. He literally chose someone else right in front of me. After 3 years. After everything we went over, after all the promises he made this week. My heart is totally broken. That was the most i've ever been disrespected by anyone, especially by my best friend. I am living in his spare condo. I told him that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I sent him a bunch of messages when it first went down, which he read but hasn't replied to. I know the only option here is no contact. I know there is no point trying to go back to him, anything he says from here on will just burn me. I deserve someone who won't treat me like this. And i know how effective No contact has ... eventually.. been for me in the past. I'm here because i need help. NC is one of the hardest things, and especially with this situation because my life has grown entwined with his. This is going to be a painful month as i find a new place to live, a painful week as I start dealing with the fallout of last night, a painful day as I start to cope with the new reality and struggle to stop messaging him if he doesnt reach out after all that, or struggle to not reply if he does. I feel weak today. Please help support me. December 1st. 2020 Day 1. This is going to be so hard.
  23. I thought it would be interesting if i shared my story and then my day to day efforts to be with my exgirlfriend....you can share with me your thoughts of how i may have done well or poorly on a given day. Well, my story follows: We broke up officially on October 16, 2004. She moved out of our apartment at the end of September. She told me about her plans to move out on August 1, 2004. She said the reasons for moving out were: 1. we were having issues that seemed to get out of control since May and could not take a chance of signing a new contract to live with me while she attended a one year accelerated nursing program at Rush in Chicago, because if we could not work it out, she may end up putting her education (comes with a scholarship and a job for 3 years) in jeopardy. 2. she needed to find out if I was the one 3. she wanted to live alone and gain some independence (she felt she took advantage of me and all I gave her and did not want to have to depend on me anymore for happiness). When she first told me her plans in August, I did everything I could to keep her to stay. By September, She actually told me she wanted to see if we could work it out, but this dark cloud developed over our relationship that seemed to sabotage everything we tried to do. By mid September, she decided to continue with her original plans. This attempt by her to try to work it out and comments in therapy (two sessions) that she would not be leaving if it was not for nursing school were strong enough reasons for me to swallow my pride and let her move out…and all the while, help her with her new place and continue to date her.. (Also, during a trip to Scotland in April, she said she would have married me – she thought I was going to ask). The night she decided to move, I went to live with my sister. We ended up talking and by the end of the week, I was back and she was telling me how upset she got that I was not there and how much she missed me and my support…she was still moving out however. The slide in our relationship seemed to start in May through August, she got a new job and we worked opposite hours…we started to slowly slide out of the relationship with building resentment, etc…..Nothing two people could not have worked out….things that counseling could have helped with if we ever talked about them, but when in therapy early on we were too busy trying to deal with the dark cloud. So why the protracted relationship with her after she said she wanted to move out? She just kept dangling carrots out there for me by saying things like "I still want to date you" "you are still the man in my life" "I still think about us" "who knows what the future holds"..she kept my picture in her living room….she did not want to date other men…"my sister is routing for you". " I have been thinking about a future with you"….."I love you"….But, come the holidays, she did not want me to go home with her (as we have several times). This caused me even more grief…she would no longer come to my parents and she did not want me to go to see hers?…what was I if we were still "dating?" Recently about two weeks ago when a college strike may have caused her not to get into the nursing program, she said she would have gotten back with me to work things out..Another carrot! By October 16 we broke up…..no more sexual relations…..by mid week we were talking again…I had given her a card that basically said that I will always be there for her while she is in Nursing school…..I still love her very much, and if I have a snowball's chance in hell with us getting back together, I want to know I was there for her when she needed it most… But, again as always seemed to be the case, I would drag her into conversations about us and future and frustrate her and myself. So, she said we needed to take a week and stop contact. We did and by Saturday, with the help of friends and family, I was doing great…on Sunday, she called and left a message…I did not call..trying to be strong…she called a second time and I did not answer…by Monday morning, she was calling at my work…she said she was worried about me and it was just weird I was not calling…So I shot her an email that I could not call and would not be able to have contact until maybe sometime in the new year….i informed her of the damage I was causing myself by sticking around in the relationship….she shot an email to my sister who called me and read it to me that Monday…she said in her email it was therapy to write her. She basically wrote to tell her how much she liked my family and missed them and sorry it did not work out….etc….by that evening….i got weak and decided to visit her at her new place…she let me in and told me how she was so upset with the email that she was vomiting and crying…we started talking again…still broken up though… After a series of great times together (no sex) and our monthly crap discussion about us that is set off by me due to something that triggered it, I recently had to take a stand and tell her I could not stay in her life as long as I continued to have strong feelings for her. She said fine and told me it would be easier this time…for her I am sure…. Currently, she has some of my things and visa versa….I have some things (baseballs signed) from her mom I am having authenticated and will sell on ebay…she has a rug, computer, microwave of mine…. come xmas…I hope to have a check for her mom and send Tori a gift for xmas through her sister….This will be the only form of contact until I am ready to try and have that friendship she seeks. I worry myself to death some days and others I am mostly ok……She will be done with the program in a year, should I wait until then to contact her? Do I stick with my word and help her while she is in nursing school (it will be tough in that school)..Do I call her back if she calls?….Do you think she is just using me for the things I offer her?…I really don't want to be out of her life 100% for good because I don't want to lose touch with her emotionally? What if she meets some other guy to connect with since I am not around? She is 26 and entering her first real career move with nursing school and it is very important to her to succeed with school and I more then understand that, because that is why I did my best to continue to be there with her and help her…I love her and due to all the carrots and possibilities she put out there that we may try again….One of the last things she said to me was never say never (I told her I was beginning to think we would never get back together)………and she said we are not going to get back together unless she feels it will work out…..(and with the stresses of school, she can't work on it now and I understand that)….but she does not want me to wait around for her she says…so confused!!!! There is one more issue here….we have about 99% the same friends. We will end up seeing each other out most likely….what to do and how to act. I love her so much and she has told me she is confused too…
  24. Hi all . I in the past was in contact with an old friend . he told me that he could not talk to me anymore because I’m married. Well he started contact with him again . with in the past month he would text me randomly . and his texts were very short . So my birthday just passed and he sent me a really cute birthday message . Later that evening we were texting each other and catching up for two hours . He said that he missed me. When I tried to talk to him two days later . I got no response. He has done things like this all month but will respond when he wants to . He also talked about getting together like we used to . I am really confused why he would start contact with me again and kinda disappear . He started this . Why would he ?
  25. Abbreviation table for newcomers: NC = No Contact (when you don't contact the other person at all costs) LC = Low Contact (when you only talk about things you really need to, but happens often) BU = BreakUp eNA = eNotAlone (this forum) It's long, but I'm trying to cover a lot as to make more people identify with my story and find some closure. I (31M) just broke up (well, I'm the dumpee...) with my wife (31F). Yesterday marked the 3rd week of our breakup. For the first week, as I was absolutely desperate, I went to the "let's beg" road and tried many times to get back together, which she refused profusely and on the 3rd and last attempt she was kinda pissed. But we talked things through and are in good terms, I'm even helping her sell something that was ours but we don't want to keep. Now I'm in LC as we still need to sort some things out. I won't be able to go full NC yet, but I hope to go soon. She is a stubborn, emotional, independent and decided woman, but caring sometimes. We had a relationship of a bit more than 4 years, being married for only 9 months, and we married in Japan, just the two of us, a truly romantic experience. We had an AMAZING time, we moved together within the first month of our relationship and everything was perfect. But from about 2 years ago I started vanishing from the relationship, I didn't mean it, it just happened, and she was the one doing most of the work to keep us together. I did do some things, but she was the one doing the heavy lifting. I have a growing development company and it took most of my time within these 2 past years, and on top of that I also created some sort of personal-cave, isolating myself from everyone, including her, and didn't want to go out often, was playing computer games for many hours, eating junk food all the time and lost most of my social circle due to this isolation. I think I was in a kind of depression during this period, as I wasn't the same person that when we started dating and didn't have the same energy as before. Also worth noting that since we started dating I got around 55 extra pounds (25kg). As I was in "isolation mode", she also started creating her own routines without me, going out with colleagues and friends*, adding lots of activities throughout the day (singing classes, gym ...) and so on. * I have absolutely no reason to believe she was cheating on me and we are VERY transparent to each other, if she was indeed cheating I'm sure she would regret and tell me, as I did when we had 5 days of being together (and not officialy in a relationship). I was heartbroken and we were apart for about a week, but she forgave me. So, for the past 2 years, things started gradually fading (imagine that boiling frog fable) and I only noticed it was really bad about 4 months ago. During the first year of our relationship, we had sex I'd say at least once a day, but, as our relationship, this was also fading. During the past year we only had sex let's say once a month tops. I'm bringing up the sex subject as this is a great cause of issues in a relationship. I was to blame for this, or at least that's what she implied. "You don't come looking for sex" was something she would say. She knew both parties can look for sex, that's not a male-only role, and she had done it a good amount of times before. But she did complain about my "lack of desire" for one or two times, which I did nothing but say I'd look for help. On the third time she complained, about 3 months ago, I went looking for a psychiatrist specialized in this subject. He didn't help at all, sex wasn't the main issue anymore, as the relationship had already took a fatal hit. And I'm not even sure why sex was an issue, I still desired her, just didn't go looking for it (and she also didn't). Maybe I was too comfortable in this relationship to a point where I was very lazy? She also would usually say "you should love yourself as I love you", which I didn't understand at the time (again, boiling frog fable). I was really a disaster on myself for the past 2 years, and it intensified within the past 18 months. Don't take me wrong here, I wasn't really prostrated and couldn't function at all, that wasn't the case. Professionaly I was (still am) doing great and my company is quite healthy. But my personal identity, dreams and desires had basically vanished. During our last 6 weeks together, I tried a little harder to leave my "personal-cave" behind. Was going out more often, and was truly becoming myself again and enjoying it aside her. It was too late. On a Friday the 13th (yep...), last month, she finally said she "couldn't try our relationship anymore", and dropped the bomb: "I love you a lot but I'm not in love with you". She was confused and scared and we cried heaps, but she decided it was time for us to part ways. She didn't come to a conclusion whether this was a definitive break or just a timeout. But I'm positive she wants to live her own life now and sort what she feels for me, indefinitely. I guess one of the last drops in the bucket was about 2 months before our breakup, when she went on an international trip with her mother and, she told me after we broke up, she didn't miss me for the week they were traveling, like she didn't even think of me sharing the travel experiences with her. So she kinda saw me as a friend, a brother, and not a spouse anymore. This is not my first rodeo, I broke up twice before, one of them was a 7 year long relationship, but no other breakups hit me so hard as this one. I had many ups and downs these past weeks, Christmas and New Year's are very hard dates to go through on a fresh breakup. The pain comes and goes. But I'm writing this as a give back, as yesterday I came around eNA and read many things that really lifted my spirit. Most of the messages are very positive and guide you to a "be a better you" mood. And I'm 100% sure our breakup was a great thing actually, it's time for the both of us to learn and improve ourselves. Maybe we can get back together in the near (or not so near) future. I started going to the gym the next few days after we broke up and I'm eating healthier on a strict diet since... already lost almost 10 pounds! I fit into lots of clothes now :) When we were together, she said I didn't want to participate in our house decorations, but now I'm looking forward to furnish my new apartment. :) Although the ups and downs really hit hard sometimes, I'm not letting my real "me" vanish again. I'm starting many different activities (dance classes, guitar classes ...) and focusing on my body and health through gym, functional training and consuming healthier food. All this to rediscover myself. If we don't come back together (I hope we do), at least my next relationship will greatly benefit from my new me. Just a footnote: I'm 3 weeks into our breakup and, althought my text above has a positive mood, I still have mood swings, really bad ones sometimes. But friends, family and eNA GREATLY help. If you, as me, are in this rollercoaster of emotions, you will get through. Keep reading more topics here and improving yourself. :)
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