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  1. New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics. Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didn’t (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and she’d spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise. I was upset at first and didn’t talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it. As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons). She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that. I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - I’m not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere. She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold I’d say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didn’t say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didn’t feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, don’t know… She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didn’t plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didn’t want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I can’t have contact with her now so it’s me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said she’d like that. I left it at that and went back to NC. She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - “you definitely should”.
  2. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
  3. Hi all, First time poster here to this great website, it has helped me through some tough times. My (ex?) girlfriend and I had some rough times recently and kind of drifted apart. We've been together 4 years and living together that long too. As things became bad there before and after Christmas she decided it was best she moved out to take some time out and get her head straight on us. I fully agreed and helped her move out, all very amicable. She insisted that it wasn't a break-up and that we should just spend some time apart. We both agreed on this. I told her that I thought it would be best that we weren't in contact for the two months so we could really see what it would be like without being in each other's lives. She wasn't overly keen on this but once I explained this to her she understood and accepted. During the first week I got a few texts from her regarding stuff she needed and I would give a single reply. If any post arrived I'd just forward it to her new address. A few weeks into the break I posted her something and she sent a 'thank you' text to which I didn't reply. A few days after that she sent me an angry text that I hadn't replied and that she hoped that nothing else arrived in the post that I would have to forward to her. I replied to this basically stating that I was only doing what we had agreed before she moved out and that if any more post came for her I'd gladly forward it to her, never a problem. That was our last communication, 5 weeks ago and this weekend marks 8 weekends since she moved out. I do miss her. And I think we could make it work again. I'm just wondering if this NC thing was a bad idea as we hadn't actually broken up and were just taking a break. I have no idea what she is up to these days at all. I imagine that she will contact me to meet up next week when the two months have passed. I just wonder if anyone has advice or experience of something like this. Thanks for reading my post. Regards, JimDandy
  4. The pressure to be in a relationship, and the suggestion that anyone who isn’t in one is weird and pitiable, has very bad consequences for us all, forcing people into choices they shouldn’t necessarily have to make.
  5. Hey everyone, I'm really happy I found this community. Recently there's a lot happening in my life which leaves me full of confusion and heartbreak. I had the feeling that I need to tell anyone, maybe finding someone who can relate to my situation. I really could use some guidance… I'm sorry that this got so long, it just came over me and I thought I try to draw a full picture here. So… my boyfriend and I met half a year ago when we both started the same studies. It was only three weeks from when we first met to the point when I stayed with him over night and we became a couple. We fell fast for each other. It was this kind of relationship that just feels right from the start and in every fiber of your body, heart and soul. I never felt more loved in my life and he was and is the first person from whom the words "I love you" really mean something and to whom I really feel like they are true and real when I say them. He was honest with me right from the beginning and told me about the psychosis he went through 1 1/2 to 2 years ago which was followed by a severe depression. He told it in a humorous, kind of shy way – I guess he was afraid I could run away as soon as he did. But I was fine. I told him that it's okay, that he's no "crazy person" as he described himself when he told me about it. That I like him for who he is and that I won't go away. Because I had met him when he was in a very good phase – the last months before the beginning of the semester he had recovered from a bad episode and the new beginning and new impressions gave him more perspective – I thought that the disease he told me about would be part of his past. Something he had overcome or learnt to deal with in a good way. At this time I had no idea what "depression" really, REALLY means. I was so naive. Or relationship went on, beautifully, deeply. Times came when he seemed… darker than usual, more distant. Well, can't be a happy person all the time, right? I didn't really think about that these could be symptoms of the depression and thought about other reasons. Maybe our relationship…? Around Christmas he became more distant and I started to worry. Before New Year's Eve he told me that he got some of the psychosis' symptoms again which worried him a lot. So he decided to take his meds again which made him kind of uneasy and tired. We talked about it and I listened to him and his worries, honestly telling him that I'm not sure what I could do or say to help him. He said it's okay – I don't need to say anything, it feels good when I just listen to him. He also has a therapist since the depression first broke out with whom he talks about those new developments and he also has a psychiatrist who supports him on the medical way. So, that's the good thing – he HAS professional help and KNOWS that he is not healthy and he really wants to get better. The next months were tough – our studies required a lot from us which put a lot of stress on both of us. I myself deal with heavy self-doubts and anxiety issues about never being enough or good enough and from time to time slip into very dark, hopeless phases (which are, lucky me, more temporary, but still a problem I have to deal with myself. But in those phases he was always there for me, helping me getting back on my feet – even if it was difficult for him because of the depression. But he did.). So the study's requirements were a lot for me, too. At the same time as we had to finish our final works his life got kind of "bombed" by bad news. Because of his illness he couldn't work for the last years why he got money from the employment office. But because he did not update his new status (being a student) early enough he now had to pay back around 2,000€ – which he does not have as he struggles financially. On top of that, as a student with no income or financial support by his family he now gets financial support from the state to study, but which is not enough to pay for the flat he's living in with his flatmate, paying the health care insurance and not starving every month. So the two of them decided to search for a new apartment both of them can afford. He loves the apartment they're living in and I guess he blames himself as being the only reason why they have to leave… So, many things went wrong and put a lot of stress on him in just a couple of weeks. As I said his mood went darker since the winter months – I guess the lockdown did it's best to make everything even worse. It had a deep impact on me, too, my own issues became more dark and I had problems with it more often. But he really began to struggle a lot. He got more and more distant, wouldn't speak or text me anymore or "colder" as he used to. He got tired early in the evenings, his motivation got less and less. He did not want to do things anymore, watch movies, ride the bike, hang out (lockdown confirmed) with others, didn't want to do anything for his study. I knew he wasn't/isn't a mentally healthy person, but at that time his change often hit me personally and I thought maybe I could be the problem. I only knew those changes in behavior from earlier relationships – when they drop you slowly – and had my problems to handle it. I was hurt and afraid he would start leaving me, that I again wasn't enough to be with me. He was annoyed by this and said he found my self-consciousness exhausting. We argued, but found back together. During our relationship he often explained to me how he felt: It put a lot of stress on him having the feeling to be the one making my day worse. To not be able to give to me what I need or what would make me happy. He felt that I was too focused on him, that I wanted to do things with him all the time, planning my day and my/our activities "around" him. He said he would like it if I could do "my thing" more often when we spent time together – just like a couple living together (which he would like to do someday for real). He also said he likes it when I just do "my thing" even when he is struggling with his emotions and can't do anything, because his own darkness or emptiness gets over him. That this would feel good and would take pressure off of him. He did not want to hurt me with that, I know that. At first I felt hurt, but I started to understand what he was trying to tell me – and yes, of course it is absolutely fine and normal not to spent every minute together even if you hang out, I was just still so full of butterflies that I wanted to be around like 24/7 … I started to inform myself intensively about depression and psychosis, I wanted to understand what was going on inside him. And I wanted to be able to be the best support I could be. I even contacted a psychologic counselor online to get some more professional advice on how to help him and deal with the disease. I tried to give him his space when he needed it, to do "my thing" even when he struggled. He often told me that he likes when I just do something I like for myself when I'm around him. That it feels like I feel at home and he can be more relaxed. When he distanced himself I accepted it. I told him I am there for him, that I believe in him and his strength and that I won't go away just because he suffers from a depression. That he is not the disease, but the person I fell in love with and never stopped doing anything else. Not all the time, but when I felt he needed those words the most. I noticed that his condition got worse and worse. Sometimes he would not go out of bed or would go back in it straight away, starring at the wall, not talking, not eating. He often said things like "I want that everything is over. I don't want to live anymore." When I asked him about those thoughts directly he always said he doesn't want to be anymore, but does not want to do anything for it to happen. According to his therapist this is called a passive suicidality. Sentences like this worried me a lot, but he kept saying he had no intention doing anything to himself. He said he had thoughts like this before, in his previous bad episode before we met. That time he'd isolated himself, couldn't talk to anyone anymore and just wanted to be over. During that time they had emphasized the dose of his antidepressants and he had gone back to the day hospital and the occupational therapy in the gardens of the hospital. That helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong. This all sounds like our relationship went all dark and sad and heavy. But it didn't. He was still there. The person I love and that loves me so much was still there and showed himself so often. He was still there for me, wanted me close, wanted to spent time together. He was full of love, missed me and told me when he did, there was laughing and trusting and passion. We still did things together, went for walks, did long rides with the bikes, enjoyed good weather together, … It still was more that I ever thought I would ever get, it felt like everything. I wasn't exhausted from the disease. Yes, it took energy, can't deny, but I was ready to go though this with him all the way, up and down. One day we walked along the river. He was very silent and I tried to entertain both of us a bit, but due to lockdown and my own inner struggling with the situation (can't deny tho, even if I just was very euphoric. But yeah, two sides of the medal, right?) and myself my topics were kind of limited. We sat on a bench and he told me how exhausted he was, how less hope he had. Nothing was fun anymore, just pain and exhaustion. No motivation. No perspective. No hope. No sense. He was so empty. And he said that it would feel like with his last girlfriend in the last year: That the relationship would make everything worse. I asked if that's because he feels under pressure because of being around someone else. He confirmed. It would feel like he's a burden to me, weighing me down – which burdens him retroactively. He broke up with his ex because of this. We did not break up on this day. I was very worried – because of what he said about the relationship, but also about the condition he was in. It really was the worst so far. I told him all the things again, tried to tell him that he is not alone, that I go this way with him. That he does not have to worry about me – that I can deal with the disease and that I want to deal with it, because I love him and it's okay, if he can't give anything right now. That I am fine with giving. Well, we did not break up that day. The next weeks became tough, I cried many tears alone at home, talked to friends and the counselor I mentioned earlier. I was afraid he would leave me, but kept this for me, stayed supportive and loved. And yeah, he still loved back. The last weeks were, after a long period of darkness, beautiful again. Full of love, it felt like in the beginning. We spent a lot time together. He hold me in his arms, not letting me go, initiated contact – and sex – himself, made plans for activities. We were tender, loving, passionate, supportive – we were like we were never to end, even if there still was distance or darkness from time to time. I knew that that's the disease speaking – not him. I really felt like our relationship gave him something after all and that he felt good being with me. Then last week. On monday he asked if I want to come over, cook something together. His texting was very communicative and he asked if I would like to meet his brother the next day. He would be very happy if I liked to. When I arrived at his apartment he was distant again. We ate something and watched a movie, but we did not really speak. I was in a mood, too. I was stressed by my own issues and felt my own heavy self-doubts and anxiety rumbling under my surface and was a bit insecure/tentative about his mood. But regardless of that he searched for me at night and held my hand in his. The next day already started with me knowing that it wouldn't be a good day. My own issues kept crawling to the surface. He helped me with some things for our studies, but I couldn't hold my own struggle anymore, started crying and feeling empty and anxious at the same time. We had a fight. To keep it short: I was struggling with my issues and his reaction hurt me. He said right and true words, but also words that hurt me. He wanted to help me, but couldn't deal with it at this moment. What I wished for that moment was just a hug, a sign that I am not alone. Not even words, just empathy. Instead he became ignoring and I became mad, because I didn't feel respected and as if my problems would be too less to be important. It got loud, it got ugly, everybody said things that hurt. At the end he talked calmly (but "shaken" from the fight) for a while and his words, well, hurt, because they were true, but helped. But the day was gone and full of bad emotions. I just wanted to visit his brother with him, get something good out of this messed up day. But he said he wanted to visit his brother alone, without me, the mood would be too bad. I panicked, I was so afraid that when I leave his place a distance would start and he would go away from me. I hated myself for what happened, for how hard I snapped that day. I could not stand myself – how could he? I was so sad and frustrated and angry and in shock that I questioned our relationship – and regretted what I said while the words came through my mouth. He froze, did not say a word. I tried to take the words back, tried to explain what was happening in my head. I wanted him to say something. But he did not answer or react, just said he would go to his brother now, didn't want to say anything and left. I could not hold him back or get an answer or a relief. I was so shocked. What had I done. In the evening he texted me: He was still like frozen, didn't know what was happening and going on now and asked for some time to think. I guess I knew what would happen in that moment, but I apologized for everything, told him that I did not mean anything I said. That I don't want us to end, that I want to be with him and that I love him. And I gave him some days time to get his head clear. Last Friday, three days after we had the fight, he broke up with me. He said, I did nothing wrong, it's okay to explode and feel bad from time to time, it's understandable and he wouldn't be mad at all. In fact he believes he would be the one who messed up the most, during the fight and in general. He said he thinks he can't be in a relationship right now. He couldn't give me what I need, he could just take energy and be a burden. He would be unable to be a good partner. He said he just feels really really bad and miserable and he just doesn't want to live anymore. He does not feel like being able to connect or talk with anybody. All he wants is to be dead or alone. He does not see a future for him in which he is healthy, he does not see a perspective or better times. Everything is just taking energy from him and everything will just stay the same, dark, hopeless, senseless, miserable. This would have nothing to do with me, but with the/a relationship in general and he thinks he might be better without it, alone. I knew this would happen. I knew it from the point when we both left after the fight. But I was shocked. Again I tried to give him all my support, my love. Tried to make clear how much I understand and want to understand and that I understand more and more everyday. How much I believe in him and us, that I believe he is stronger than this disease. I tried to remind him of the good moments and good things that still were there and came to him, even if everything was at it's darkest. I told him that getting better IS a possibility for him, that there really CAN BE a way, something better. But all this is not enough. I told him I believe in our love, that I KNOW that it is true and real and there. He can't deny that he did – and does – feel the same way I feel for him. I don't believe him that all our time together would have been just painful, I believe that it was something good and precious. He said it is good that it felt good for me, but for him it was just costing energy and causing exhaustion. Every small thing he did, every kiss, every word, every small touch would have just demanded a lot from him… I believe him. I really do. I saw how much he is struggling. I felt how much he is struggling. And I understand how hard it must be to love and try to be there for someone if you have to fight your own demons every god damn dark day. I know all of this and I really do understand. But I believe so much in us, I love this person so much. He means the world to me. Just one week ago he hold me in his arms, wanted to be with me, wouldn't let me go, made plans for us. Told me how much he loves me. On friday this same person gave me a last, mechanical cold hug and left me. We didn't speak or text since then. Everything inside me feels hurt. The day after the break up I left and went to my family home – I can't be alone or in the same town right now. I cried a lot, sometimes it's getting better and I can think clearer and of something else and laugh with others, but I feel so empty most of the time. I still can't believe what happened. This person was home from me, despite all the dark, depressive times, and it hurts so much to know that I may not come home anymore. I had much time to think, too. As I said, I do understand why he made this decision and somehow I always knew how fragile our relationship was in the core because of his disease. But I believed in it anyway and I know that we were real. That we were different than he and his ex (his flatmate told me the same – the way we were together was different, more loving, and in the end of his and his ex' relationship there were also other things for him that caused the breakup, too, and made him stop believing in it. But well, who knows…) and that we could've go on. I guess this last fight was like a huuge momentum of stress knocking down on him at once – and pushing him to the edge of breaking up. I blame myself so much. I want to believe that there is still hope for us and there are moments when I really feel this hope, when I kind of SEE our future together again. I can't lie – I want him back. I know we are good together and that he felt the same and WAS happy. I am totally aware of what being back together would mean. Yes, being with someone with depression hurts. It is dark and hard and takes so much of yourself and yes, maybe it is better to take it how it is and just go my own way. I have my problems myself which are heavy. I need to heal myself, too – for my sake. But also to really be a support. How can I be there if I weigh myself down and with this him, too? I can image how bad it must have felt for him to see me struggle and not being able to be there for me or not being there ENOUGH. I was fine – I understand that you can't be there all the time. People struggle, have their days when nothing is possible – whether you're healthy or not. It's okay if you can't give everything everyday and I never demanded it. What he could give was always enough. But not for him, he can't see that and I do not blame him for it, for anything. He is ill. His view is blurred. I will give him the time he needs. When he says he's not able to be with someone I believe him and I accept it. I just can't let him go. I mean, I can't even make a clear cut – we study together, have projects together. Everyday I have to see him in our online courses, have to hear his voice which used to be "mine", but is not anymore and it hurts. I update Instagram like every 15mins to see if there's anything new from him. I am so confused and don't know what to do, how to stay close or, more than that, get close(r) again. I want him to know that I am still there for him. I know that love, that I, can't heal him. Only he can. I am happy that he already has professionell support and does not deny his situation. He wants to get better, but has lost his hope and all his energy right now. Life is too dark at the moment. I hope that if some of the "side problems" – like finding a new, nice and more affordable flat – can lift the weight on his shoulders a bit. It won't change everything for good, but maybe it would take some insecurity and pressure from him. I am just so afraid that maybe he really is over us, that we are dead for him, that I am just somebody he used to know. That maybe he really feels better without me now, that I really was a burden he is happy to got rid of… What can I do? I don't want to force myself on him. If he wants time and space to deal with things himself, I respect that. But I can't give us up just now… I am searching for psychological help myself at the moment and try to get my things together, too. I want to find my own strength again I lost years ago and I feel how much I could reflect and learn and understand during our relationship and in the last days. I believe that when we see each other again, I can be a more cleared up version of myself. And yeah, maybe there will still be a chance. I don't know… I love this person so much, I want to go with him all his and our way, through the darkest and the lightest. Thank you for sticking with me till this point. I know it was a lot of text, but it means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Much much love Leonie
  6. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  7. Hi all, Hoping to get some advice on where to go from here, since right now I'm at a standstill. A little bit of backstory - my (33M) gf (30F) have been dating for a bout 2.5 years. It's been a little bit difficult with COVID, and we haven't seen each other in awhile. Without going into too much detail, she has been in a healthcare facility for COVID for about 9 months, but her recovery is going really well. For the first few months she was in the facility, we talked pretty frequently and really didnt miss a beat. We talked about what we would do when she's fully recovered, kids, marriage, the whole 9. The problem - For the past few months we have been talking less and less and ive been really out of the loop. I told her before that Im not going anywhere, and ill be here for as long as it takes, however the only thing i need is to be kept in the loop. I dont need to talk everyday or anything, i just need to know what is going on with her recovery and health. When you dont hear from someone for 5 days and they are in the hospital, obviously one would get worried. It all came to a head two weeks ago when i tried to be pretty vulnerable and tell her that im frustrated. Not at her, but the situation, and its been really hard on me. Im super worried when we dont talk for a week and something might be wrong. She responded with that she is in fact frustrated as well, and all her free time goes towards me, and she is upset that i brought it up. I asked her genuinely if I should back off for a bit, and if she wanted to focus on other things more. From there she became extremely upset, and we didnt talk for about two weeks Last Friday, we had a good heart to heart. I told her that i understood how i didnt recognize how much stress shes under and it was unfair for me to assume she wanted me to back off. She apologized for not keeping me in the loop, and although she was still mad, we seemed good. However, last night i called her, she didn't answer, and then texted me "What?" I told her i just wanted to chat so called her again - she responded with "Stop Calling me." I was so incredibly floored - i thought we were in a good place, and now im getting the cold shoulder. I just asked her what is going on, cause youre acting like youre over it and if thats the case i need to know. no response. I basically said ok, well im here to talk. no response. Basically i just need to know what to do. Something liek this has happened before, where she gets so upset over something and takes it way out of line, and it usually comes in times of stress. I just dont know where to go from here and what to say. Any advice is appreciated!
  8. Okay - question time: I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th). I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person. I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit. He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives. Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity! He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down. He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc) I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day). Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold. I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all. So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on? I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?
  9. Hello everyone ! I met a girl on January, we filrted for months and then I confessed. She became my girlfriend and made it official. We agreed about a serious relationship. She told her family about me, everything was perfect. I was her first boyfriend. I asked her if was free this week to have a date but she said that she was sorry and something was planned. (okay, it happens) The thing is that, out of the blue, I received a message. She said that she had no space in her heart recently because of problems in her family. ( I knew that was not the reason and asked for more explanations). She said that she needs to follow her own pace and that if I wasn't respecting that we shouldn't be in that relationship. No problem, I always respected her rythm, several times in our relationship I gave her a lot of time to think about our situation and asked her how she felt about a lot of things. So, I offered her some time to think. She ignored my offer and then she proposed me a "friendship" because she "wanted to go back to friends". I couldn't see myself doing that after all the love words we said to each other. I think she got scared about all the new feelings she discovered in that new kind of relationship and wasn't sure about what she wanted. So, I told her that it was impossible after all this story. I thanked her for everything and I said It was better for me to move on. I refused her "friendship" even if I was hurt. She said "Okay thank you for everything too" (maybe she got confused and didn't expect that.). That idea was confirmed because 10 minutes later she asked if that meant that I will not keep in touch with her anymore. I said that going back and pretending that nothing happened was impossible for me and that she knew that a friendship will be weird after our story. If she really wanted our relationship to end, that was the end. Then, she sent a few messages that " she didn't know if I was going to read it", thanking me for everything I did, that it was very sad to end it but if I wanted to end it, she will accept it. ( I think she tried to act as a victim and reverse the situation even if she was the one who dumped me because she didn't want me as a boyfriend anymore.). She told me I had a beautiful heart and she was sure that I will find a nice girl not like her. I replied (I think it was a mistake). I wanted to make her realize that she decided to end it. I thanked her for everything too, I said she made me happy and gave me good memories. I told her that I didn't want it to end like this, that we could have had a beautiful story but if she only wanted me as a friend and nothing more, I'll accept it but I can't stay. I told her that I was sure that she'll meet some other nice friends. I wished her a beautiful life. She said " Thank you" and everything ended on this. We broke up 4 days ago and we had no contact at all from this day. Do you think I should keep the no contact or should I text her to have a real discussion after that ? Because everything happened so fast and I feel like we wanted to say more but we couldn't because of emotions. Thank you for reading !
  10. Many of us are doing NC on this board. Have read SuperDave71's motivational threads on NC. Some even signed up for his 30 days NC challenge to heal and feel better about ourselves. But the thing is...it is hard to stay in NC especially if it's your first time around! So I thought I'd create a post so those currently doing NC, and those who had lived through NC, can support and motivate each other - not to break NC that is...
  11. I just found out that one of the places I work for, well they don’t just favour their main tech for shows, I’m not the second person on the list of possible people to book I’m lower (how low who knows). And above me is a tech that I gave them the contact details for. He’s a consummate tech all good but I’m consummate too and I was working there first! I’ve been doing odd shows for this company for going on 6 years and in that time they’ve had a revolving door of preferred techs, I’ve never been at the top, and I’ve never fallen off the list completely. I like to tell myself the others are cheaper or faster or better because they can heft staging and truss around as well, but I don’t know really what the calculus is. I think I do a good job of the actual sound engineering. Sometimes clients mention specifically that I’m great and it’s been great working with me. I did have one really bad shift late last year where the boss expected me to get x, y, z done in 3 hours and in 3 and a half hours I had only managed x and y. I don’t know why I was so slow that day. I do think in general I’m just not a fast worker, more methodical and slow is my nature, and at 33 years old, I don’t really know that I can change this. It’s much worse when I’m trying to do things at home I just really struggle to keep focussed on the task at hand. But mixing live music doesn’t require you to be fast like that (it Does require you to be fast in your reactions to what is going on in audio land but I Am fast at that, noticeably more efficient than other techs I’ve seen working....I don’t think my boss know enough about sound to be able to see that though, certainly no one gives the slightest care to how people’s mixes actually sound in my experience, so that, something I am good at, is not valued a the places I work really). It’s been really upsetting to learn this, triggering a negative spiral where I think about all the other places where I’m not top of the list (there have been a hecking lot of them over the years). Is this me getting a concussion on the glass ceiling again? Do I just suck? Am I fine at the job but my personality is too esoteric and quirky and people try not to book me because they just don’t like my company? I don’t think I can improve my standing with this company, if someone doesn’t value you they don’t value you right? And jumping up and down crying “WHY DON’T YOU VALUE ME” won’t help at all. It feels like eating a sh*t sandwich taking the absolute dregs of what work is available, it really really Really does. But I don’t exactly have other job options knocking at my door. Pragmatically speaking I must do the jobs I have been booked for to the best of my ability and hope I creep back up the list as I put more and more good shows between me and that set up where I was too slow. Pragmatic thinking does nothing to temper my emotional reaction to the knowledge I am held in disdain. Best outcome would be finding work somewhere else that keeps me busy enough that I can be in the same position as my colleague, saying no to their shifts because I’m already booked. I’ve been in this industry for 13 years, he’s been in it maybe 5. He was already eclipsing me when we first met and that’s probably 4, 5 years ago. I say again he does a good mix and he’s a hard worker. But have also done and been those things, and I do not progress in the same way, and I never know if that’s gender or my work is not up to scratch. I do know though that no one has ever been willing to take me under their wing and mentor me and I get the feeling that does happen to techs who are embraced and employed by hire companies (for all that I have done working in this industry, and I do actually make a comfortable living from being a sound tech, mentoring from more experienced techs is really not something I’ve had access to, there are so many industry standard things I just don’t know because most of my skill set has been work it out on the job learnt.) Also pragmatic I guess, if there was a way I could ask why I am low on that list of contacts that made it sound like I was trying to do some professional development rather than just petulance, I should ask. Anyone that has a good script for broaching that’s topic I would be very very grateful. Thanks for reading this far you rock! TLDR: I’m not valued at work and I want to find out why without it sounding like me whining. Also it’s upsetting to learn how true that statement is
  12. I am SO depressed. I know I am constantly repeating myself on ena, but I like to catch up new readers. It has been three months since he broke up with me, and I do not miss him any less. I just REALLY REALLY want him back. I miss my friend, I miss my escape, I miss my love, I miss him so much. I have begged, pleaded, put my dignity on the line for this man so he could possibly come back. I have had my friends to talk to him, I have had his friends to talk to him. I have called his mom and asked for advice, I have wrote him letters, I have gave him gifts with a card containing more "I'm sorry" letters in it. I have stalked him on a fake account on facebook. Every time I saw him I broke down in tears and begged him to take me back...EVERY TIME. Anytime I needed a ride to work it was always depressing, because I couldn't hold on to his arm like I wanted to. I couldn't kiss him like I wanted to, I couldn't get a response back when I said "I love you" and it killed me, it still does. I called over 100 times one night, and that is not exaggerating. He picked up infuriated at me. I told him that I have been fighting for him for two months, can't he see that I am miserable? He responded back to me that that should be a big enough hint to leave him alone. I cried so hard that night. Every day I would call him anyway hoping he would pick up, some days I would call and text more than others, and I would never get a response. It was torture! I gave up, and tried no contact and I was somewhat healing. It was hard but I felt better every day, but I still wanted him. He started contacting me first, and that was very rare after the break up. It sucked to ignore his calls and texts, and if I did answer I pretended like I was not interested "What do you want?" One night he called me more that 7 times over, I ignored it, he asked me to pick up on a voicemail. I sent him a simple text saying "text" to let him know to text me. I wasn't so clingy. One day he arrived at my house unexpectedly. I answered the door "What are you doing here?" He told me he was going to call be he was afraid I would reject him. I invited him in. He told me he missed me, and missed our times together. I told him that that was his fault and he made us like this. He was quiet and I had this hard attitude on and I asked him "Do you need anything else or are you just going to stand there?" He told me he would leave, and he did. I did not chase after him like I usually would. He came back 5 minutes later ( I left the door unlocked). I asked him "What do you want, you must really miss me or something" He responded "What if I said I do?" I immediately caved and told him how I felt. I told him I missed him and I thought of him everyday. I told him that I wanted us more than anything. We had sex, and the next day we went out he seemed miserable to be with me. Later that day he told me that maybe we should stop talking. I was shocked! I asked him why did he come over, he told me that he did not want us to have any problems. I do not get that, if we aren't talking we would practically strangers right? How would there possibly be any problems if I am not talking to him or about him and vice versa. I asked him why did he have sex with me? He told me it just happened, sex is just sex and I should get over it. I itched a scratch for him. I degraded myself once again and showed him that I did not have any respect for myself, and to make it worse. I begged for another chance. I told him I have learned my lesson, that I will never hurt him that way ever again. He said that I have BEEN saying that, what make this time any different. I told him that I have had months to think about my actions, that it is totally different because he actually broke up with me, that I know what is on the line now. I never thought he would leave but now I know. He agreed to give me a chance. I felt somewhat better. I went on my fake account and snooped again. I saw that he had just got off of work, and he was wondering if anyone wanted to hang out because he claimed to be bored. I called him and asked him what he was up to, I acted surprised to hear him say that he was off work. I asked if he wanted to hang out or something. He told me that he was tired and that he was going to stay in that night. On his facebook, an hour or two later, he was tagged at some place downtown, and took pictures with his friends. So basically he lied to me, but I can not confront him because that fake facebook account is not me, to him it is someone else. I blocked him from calling me and texting me out of frustration. I could not call or text either. I let a day go by before curiosity got the best of me. I snooped again, I really wish I never created this fake page in the first place. I saw that his mother was in the hospital. I was very close to his mother, so I unblocked him and called. He answered, my heart started beating hard, I love the sound of his voice when he answers the phone. I asked if everything was okay? I asked if he was alright and his mom as well. He told me everything was fine, but then asked how I knew his mother was in the hospital. I lied and said that a specific mutual friend told me. I knew he would cover for me if my ex had asked him. He then asked if I blocked him, and that he was frustrated because he tried to reach me. He wanted to tell me about some UFO in the sky (because we were into that type of thing) that he think he might've saw, and he told me no one would believe him but me. He asked me "Why talk about getting comfortable just to block me the next day? That's not cool." We had casual convo, I was happy. He asked to stop by, I said sure. He didn't come in, I got in the car with him. Another round of casual convo. He left, and I was content with things. The next day, I woke up early, cooked him some cinnamon rolls because he is crazy over them, went outside and picked a flower from the garden and made a home made card for him and told him to come over. He stopped by for literally a few minutes and received the card and the baked goods. Before he left, he told me that I could call his mom, check on how she is doing (when before he told me to don't even think about calling his mother again because I am no longer family anymore). I was overjoyed to hear him say that. He left, and another day I was happy. The next day I did not contact him first, around 2pm he did. He told me the cinnamon rolls were delicious and he thanked me. We text back and forth and we joked around. I thought that maybe I did it! Maybe I fixed things and I could finally start showing him how I have changed. The next two days we did not speak at all. I started reading relationship advice and blogs, forums etc.. Some of them told me that NC DOES NOT WORK! That what makes you think that a partner would keep interest in you if you are not in the picture, especially if I am the one at fault. I panicked and called the next day. I explained to him that I want to try to get more comfortable with each other, and that I wish to try a relationship with him only with time. He seemed okay to what I had to say. Every day I started the contact. We would talk, normally or so I thought. I always had this weird feeling going on that he didn't want to. But why respond if he did not want to? We texted, occasional talk every now and then. I rushed out and bought his mom a Mother's Day gift, I asked him first though. Then I posted this thread on ENA, and it discouraged me to no end It is titled I am tired of being an ex. I refuse to follow no contact. I thought that I had the right idea by trying to prove to him that I am a positive person and that I am not as negative as I used to be in our relationship. EVERYONE SHOT MY IDEAS DOWN. I was scared. So for the past 3 days it have been no contact, and that is where I am right now... on the third day of no contact, desperately typing out my feelings here. I snooped just about an hour ago on his page, it turns out he is going on vacation out of state. Do you not think that that is something that he should have told me if we were working on getting comfortable. Why agree to work on us if he doesn't even want to talk to me. If he wanted to, I wouldn't be the one initiating first contact all the time. Here is what I have learned, and here is also what scares me. Despite how negative the poster are on ENA, if 88 out of 90 posts are telling me to leave him alone, then I guess I should get the hint. As you said pushing him for responses, and texting him again when he does not text back is only pushing him away. I also found out that I am filling a void for him. I am helping him move on because he have the familiarity of texting me, getting my responses and it somewhat (for lack of a better word) "soothing" to him. I am somewhat in the friend zone. He has the comfort of texting me, while he has no strings attached to me what so ever. So basically he can text me, and the proceed to see another woman if he wanted to. He has the ball completely in his court. He can see another woman if I was talking to him or not, regardless of what I do. Now I understand that no contact is to heal and improve myself. It is not to get him back. I understand that. But the goal is to improve myself and possibly get him back. I just want him back to the point I will do any and everything. I think I messed up too much though. Maybe if I stuck to no contact in the beginning hope would be there. I seriously doubt that he would knock on my door again, or even say the things he did before. I am so freaking depressed over this whole thing please. Someone snap me out of this depressed stage please!! For some reason, I find it hard to picture him contacting me
  13. My ex and I separated a few months ago after a "temporary break" in which she got physical with someone else after we agreed not to see other people and her not feeling treated well. We broke up after that and she said that it was my responsibility to let her know when I could make things work again one day, and that she still wanted a future together. She recently got in touch after I deleted her on social media and was really sweet, saying she believed things could still work and had been looking up flights to see me. A few days later, I messaged her saying I really enjoyed talking but the best thing for me would be to keep moving on. I said it wasn't about resentment or not having feelings for her anymore, but that I just needed to focus on other things in my life and learn how to be happy independently again. She responded saying she never wanted to get back together because I was a "very negative part of her life" and that she just wanted to try talking. I responded saying I was confused about what she initially said about getting back together and immaturely pointed a finger about the cheating. I asked her to never contact me again. She responded right away, apologizing for her part in us separating, saying she loved me and wanted all the best for me. A few days later, I apologized for being so harsh and explained that I was also sorry for my part in us separating. I explained that I knew I also made mistakes and that I was sorry. We went back and forth for a while and the last thing she said was to never hesitate to contact her if I ever needed anything. I think that's a kind gesture but I don't really want to leave the door open for contacting each other in the future because I think it could make moving on more difficult for both of us. I'm confused about why she said that. Should I say nothing, the same likewise, or just "thank you"? Any advice is appreciated.
  14. Hello everyone I hope you're doing well, I'm currently a month into a breakup with a man who used to talk about our future and wanted to marry me. We met in high school and dated on and off up to college. The breakups before were initiated by me--most being from my insecurities and depression; the usual "he can do better than me". The last breakup I initiated I had felt unhappy in the relationship and broke up with him and dated a mutual friend of ours for one day before I didn't feel right. Within the week I had gone back to check up on him and he was doing awful. He was having self-identity issues and thinking about dying (though not trying to actively commit suicide or anything.) The dude I had left him for manipulated me and guilt tripped me for months along with other terrible things and I had a hard time cutting him out but I eventually did as my ex-boyfriend wanted. We got back together after a while of that and fast-forward two years to now. He ended it saying he didn't feel like he loved me anymore and that what had happened two years ago made him lose everything. I know I hurt him deeply and for the past two years I'd done all I can to help heal his hurt and trust. He said after a while that he did trust me and he believes me. During the breakup, he said I did nothing wrong and I did everything I could, but I disagree. Looking back on the last few months after the breakup I can say we definitely fell into complacency and negativity. The day before the breakup he sent me encouraging messages and told me how proud of me he was for getting over my past insecurities, how much he appreciated all the things I've done, and how I always tried my best in everything I put my mind to. We initially kept low contact for the first few weeks and met up twice to discuss the relationship (which was a no from him) and giving him his birthday presents I had gotten him before the breakup. When we discussed the relationship and breakup he said he felt unhappy that he couldn't feel anything for me anymore and it got to the point where he was drinking to try to feel anything. I agreed with him that it was unhealthy and I wished he had told me what was going on. I asked him if there would be a chance in the future, after he feels better with himself, for us to try again and gave me an "I don't know". He doesn't want a relationship right now and I understand and respect that. Currently, I'm trying to give him space and not contact him. He told me while he does not mind talking to me, he has no interest in doing so. Yet a few days ago he initiated contact by sending me a couple messages and pictures but the conversation wouldn't last too long and I left him alone after he stopped responding. As much as I hate the breakup, I understand why he did it--he was unhappy and that's all he really needs to make this decision. He's improving and finding hobbies to do and reaching out to old friends again (this was something I suggested while we were in the relationship, but he said he couldn't do it while in the relationship). He told me he would always put me first in the relationship and he did that to himself. That was never what I wanted and I told him that, that I wanted a relationship where we both focus on ourselves and each other. There's not much I can do other than focus on myself and my happiness and it's coming along. I'm finding the parts of me that I lost in the relationship: my self-confidence and independence. He told me in the end I was being really dependent on him and he's right. I'm sure that made it much more difficult for him during the relationship. I still think of him all the time and miss him dearly, but I know I can be happy with myself. I was happy with myself before but he filled my heart and after that left I felt so lost. I still have hope that there is a chance for us, as we've been through so much already and always came back together. However, I don't want to bank on that. Instead, I'm hopeful in the time we spend apart becoming better versions of ourselves. Anyways, this is terribly long but I was wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how it turned out for you? What is the possibility that his unresolved issues from two years ago affected his feelings? Maybe he put up an emotional wall from it all? Advice would be greatly appreciated too. Thank you.
  15. When we met online, we hit it off. we met in person and the connection and chemistry was undeniable. He stayed at my flat for 2 weeks.And he asked me to be exclusive but the problem is we live hours apart. But he said we will make it work. When he return to his town, he confessed to me shortly that he slept with his ex. According to him she started reaching out to him a week when he was planning to see me and she knew about me as he told her. When he returned home she asked him to hang out and he accepted with intention of just chatting. one thing led to another they ended up having sex. he called me crying all remorseful and said he will cut her off for me so i gave him a second chance. only to find out that he started talking behind my back. so i told him forget it. you can have your ex, but he begged me and said he wants me. him and his ex begged me for them to still talk because they are just friends . i finally said yes you can talk. Then a week later he tells that they made plans to hang out..i wasn't having it and at this time i said if you hangout i won't see him again. That's when he agreed and said he didn't want to lose me. but he stayed in contact with his ex behind my back until she lied to him about something, now they don't talk anymore. Going forward, the distance didn't help our relationship. He started expressing his discontent by saying that I'm everything he wants in a girl but I'm too far away and sometimes he wants to ask me to hang out after work but he can't. When he broke it off he told me that he still wanted to see me because we had made plans to meet in person prior the distance took it's toll for him So we still met and had great time. But before he left, somehow the conversation came up and he expressed his discontent with the distance and said we should see other people. so I said okay even though I was hurt.. I even started crying. Then he said to call him when I'm ready since he still cares about me. We got back in touch on a casual basis. Then we started talking on regular basis again and made plans to meet. We met then I noticed he was disinterested in sex. We used to do it twice a day whenever he visits me but then we only did it twice for the 4 days we stayed together which was initiated by me. When he got to his town, he told me that he had something to tell me. We made arrangement to talk on the phone to discuss what he wanted to say. When the time came, I called him only for him to start avoiding it as if he was nervous. Then I finally told him to text what he wanted to say. That's when he said, he doesn't feel the same way he used to. I was shocked and hurt. Then he called me 2 days later wanted to see if I was okay. We spoke and he said the last time we hung out he just wasn't feeling it anymore. I said okay. but he still wanted me in his life but told me he will give me space and to text him when I'm ready. 2 weeks later, he was already texting me telling me he misses me. I ignored these texts as I wanted space but he kept texting telling me that he realized that he misses me etc. I was happy since I missed him too. We started talking again and made plans to meet. When we met we had good time but the sex frequency had decreased and he seemed distance. Once I returned home, he was barely responding to my text. so i said what's up? you don't seem into it anymore. Then he says, 'yes, " I lost feelings " I was hurt once again and sent follow up texts to which he ignored. and that was it. I deleted him on my face book so I can move on. Then 5 months later he returned stating he misses me . He added me back on face book and I accepted but told him that we are still 5 hours apart so the same issues that pushed him away are still present so it's best we move on. He responded and said, " I just wanted to see how you're doing" I didn't initiate contact after that until he messaged me again " asking me if I found someone else which is the reason why I'm not calling him? and he left his number and said he misses me. I finally texted him and we started talking again like old times and he said he wants to see me. We met and all was well. We had great time. When he return back home, he stopped answering my texts then said the distance is too hard for him. We didn't talk again for another 5 months but this time I didn't delete him on face book. He hardly posted. Then he suddenly liked my new profile picture I had posted after 4 months. Which lead us to start talking again. We made plans to meet again and this time I visited him. All was well but he seemed distance and disinterested. When we had sex he only lasted a min the first time and he apologized which is understandable since I I know it's normal no big deal. But then every time we did which was initiated by me, it he only lasted a min and I suspect he was doing it on purpose after more than 2 times. idk. we use condoms so I couldn't tell. when I returned home, ofcourse things fizzled once again. Rinse and repeat. Last time we got back in contact, we had been planning to meet for the last 6 months but the plans kept falling through due to schedule confliction. The days he is off, I'm working and vice versa. finally we made plans to meet and set a date and everything only for him to cancel because he had to bay sit his friends dog which was followed by him losing his job so he can't come to see me. Like I said, I offered to help financially but he didn't respond. He was planning to come to see me but he any money so I told him that I can send him money through Western Union for his ticket but he didn't respond to that then he stopped responding to my texts. I started getting worried so I kept sending him numerous texts messages asking how he is and if he is okay to no avail.I then started calling him and he didn't answer.When I get no response from someone I care about I freak out so called him 11 times in row until the phone started ringing once and going to voice mail which means he was pressing the reject button. To my horror,he sent me a text message that read ``Please don't contact me anymore``Please I need space``I then apologized for bothering him and told him that I just wanted to see how he is.He didn't respond after that . We didn't talk for 2 months until i messaged him and it turned out he met someone closer to him. so went no contact after that..only for him to start reaching out twice over the course of a year telling me he missed me. I gave in, but it wasn't long until he started blowing hot and cold until he stopped initiating contact then ended it again citing the distance and said " maybe in the future when we are at a place we can move". This time I was done with him so i blocked him every where Shortly after that, like 4 months later i met another man in my city and fell head over heals with him. I hardly thought about my ex while seeing this new man and it's been 3 years. things between me and this new man didn't work out..until my ex made a fake face book profile to contact me..ofcourse i blocked the account and didn't respond. but it has re opened old wounds..now i think about what my ex put me through. I know I allowed it and shouldn't have walked away sooner now looking back but i had no experiance in dating or to spot any red flags. please don't judge me. I thought things would get better but instead i gave him more opportunity to hurt me. i definately learned from this. does this mean I haven't healed from my ex even though it's been 3 years?
  16. My ex and I were together 7 years. We started drifting apart and we broke up about 3 and a half months ago. She claimed I didn't make her feel important and I didn't validate her feelings and we were on different levels in life. I've come to realize I could've done a lot differently and the future I wanted with her. I reached out a couple times within the first month and a half but went into no contact after she kept ignoring me and blocked me on social media. She recently unblocked me at the three month breakup point, I'm assuming out of curiosity but then blocked me again. I didn't say anything and acted like I didnt notice Anyways, I don't know what to do I want to talk to her but she still hasn't reached out to me. I have a swearing in ceremony in a few days for a new job and I'd like her to go but at the same time I'm like you knew I was hurting and you abandoned me and now I'm going to reach out to you and ask you to be with me at my first accomplishment in life since being without you. I just don't want to look back and say I wish I would've invited her or by not inviting her I made her feel even less important. I'm always thinking when should I reach out and try to initiate contact but I never do. I'm tired of feeling this way but scared I'll lose her if I wait too long and I don't at some point try to spark her feelings.
  17. Hello! I have a new female friend but I kinda can't call her a friend. We have been "friends" for about a year and it was going good and she is so nice. But she doesn't respond to my messages. Sometimes she'll not respond at all or sometimes days later. It's really annoying. For instance she messaged me last night and asked how I was (i've had minor surgery so can't leave my house). She msg me before the surgery and I said I will need visitors as I can't go anywhere. Then I didn't hear from her for over a week until last night. Then I respond enthusiastically to her message she was updating me on her life saying I've inspired her to do videos etc. (we voice message mostly) and I give her info about me saying - It's so hard not being able to go out and congratulate her on how good her video was. AND NO RESPONSE! I would have thought there would be back and forth. This seems to happen every time! A couple of times in the past she's said "lets catch up on the weekend, I'll let you know what day"... the weekend comes and goes and she doesn't contact me. She doesn't address it. It just comes and goes. She doesn't keep her word. BUT SHE'S NICE ENOUGH! Basically I don't want her as a friend but she keeps contacting me occasionally. And I don't want to be rude so each time I let it slide. As she's a new friend I don't feel like it's my place to confront her about it. But I don't want her to keep messaging me because each time I get disappointed. I'm 38 and I have changed a lot so I don't have a lot of friends. I'd love it if she was a good friend. It's so frustrating. I feel like I am so responsive to strangers even. I've never experienced this kind of communication before it's really weird. What do I do? Or have you experienced this before?
  18. Brief overview for context I was dating someone locally, going very, very slow because although I was curious, I wasn't smitten. He was though, right from the start. Then there was a fork in the road because mid pandemic he managed to secure a seat on a plane traveling back home and, reluctant to maybe never see him again without at least kissing I broke the touch barrier and that experience felt right in a way that, had he been staying local, I definitely would have wanted to date. We can't because of distance but we have stayed in touch and he has been consistent in expressing feelings for me, regular contact, sends me presents sometimes. He's used the word love in letters, I haven't/won't until we can be face to face again and I can be sure that's what I'm feeling. For those of you who recognise me from previous posts, yes, there is a definite possibility that this is just another way for me to avoid genuinely getting close to someone, that thought has crossed my mind. Its Schrodingers attraction, I won't know until we're face to face where I'm really at. Or him for that matter. Anyway, I wasn't very invested in the beginning because we had not really spent that much time together before he left. But lately I have been feeling a lot more so, a couple of particularly well chosen gifts on his part I think and regular contact. I'm starting to dream the same "could this be my forever person" dreams he's been dreaming. We normally talk at least once a day, a text, if not a phone call. But I haven't heard from him since Friday. I tell myself he must be pretty busy, or maybe something has come up, but the more days that elapse the harder I find it to tolerate the break down in communication. I like to think I have a bit of a handle on my (lousy) attachment style. Saturday I was, for sure, in a bit of a funk because I hadn't heard from him but I wouldn't act on that. Sunday I was starting to feel actually anxious. Today is no improvement. What if he found someone local and hit it off with them and suddenly the overseas girl isn't so attractive anymore. What if it was love bombing all along. What if something bad has happened to him. What if nothing bad has happened but he just doesn't feel drawn to maintain a line of communication with me anymore? I get being busy but 48 hours plus with no word? (And through the scourge of modern communication, read receipts. I can see he is at least receiving my messages on whatsapp, although sometimes they're going through to his PC and it doesn't mean he's read them. But even if I had sent no messages at all, it is out of character for him to not reach out to me either.) I know the best distress tolerance technique is to be so busy yourself that you don't even notice the person has not responded. Thanks to an uptick in community spread of the rona work is cancelled and socialising is ill advised. I have plenty of jobs to be getting on with at home but they are all the kind that does not induce a flow state and are much much much harder to do when something is eating away at you. So, tolerance techniques, throw them at me. I know this is my problem to fix. (Even if he has lost interest, which would very definitely be a disappointment but I want him to be happy right?! So I would accept that. But not knowing is worse). Also how do you divine what is unreasonable impatience regarding message replies (because I feel like my attachment style sees me reacting earlier than is reasonable. Which is why I spent the first two days talking myself down. But definitely past the 2 day mark it really starts to feel like this is more than being busy). You would think being long distance that my life would be as good as functionally fine being single, what is there even to miss?! Someone who I can't see? But nope, this is occupying a frustratingly large amount of my thoughts. Surely he will get in touch today when he wakes up right? Because my last contact explicitly stated that this is unusual silence and I am worried. When we are in touch again I will definitely be asking him how long he could go not hearing from me before it started to worry him.
  19. First of all, excuse me for any mistake in English, it is not my official language. Anyway, I would like to "receive" some advice. Well, I (20M) met a woman (24F) in the last year at college. And we understood each other very well, we were having something like a serious relationship, although not "officially". I liked her a lot. And she felt exactly the same. In other words, here it was a happy story (haha). But, because of some old relationships that I had, I acquired some "fears", like serious relationship phobia. Because of that, we only made things official at the beginning of this year. We always saw each other, but with COVID, I ended up coming to my hometown, and she to hers. We kept in touch, obviously, and everything was fine. On my birthday, she gave the idea of coming to my city, to see me, but as I am very stupid, I told her not to do that (I would never forgive myself if she got COVID because of me). Then, a month later, she just broke up (practically a year and a half of relationship). And with that, she exposed some things that I had never touched myself: that I had been selfish at times in the relationship, acted coldly, and so on. And, looking back, I agree. She always said that she doesn't keep in touch with any exes, just age as if they didn't exist. But for some reason, we kept in touch and kept talking. However, I was totally unsure about us and totally wrong (trying to get her back). So I ended up pushing her away and she ended up moving away from me. I started an NC to calm myself down (however, she deleted me from FB and stopped following me on Instagram. Here, whatsapp is quite "important", but in this app she didn't block me or anything). Continuing, after about three weeks, I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more. That the things I learned, I must use for the next people I will meet. Anyway, I love her. And I really wanted to try to get back with her again. And (a very strong trait of mine) I feel very guilty. And now, there's not much I can do (I believe). But, I don't know, I'm exposing it because I wanted to know what other people think about it, and also if there is any kind of hope. Next year, we'll see each other again, I read a lot about "it's about time", but, hahaha, it's horrible to want to talk to someone, see someone and not be able. But, for those who have read this far, excuse me for the long text (and the errors), there are more details, but I believe that is enough.
  20. Okay so me and the girl I thought I was going to marry broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were together about a year. She is 20 and I am 24. We met at church and we both have strong Christian values. We have never done anything sexual with each other and didn’t plan on doing so u til marraige. Things started off great. But this damn thing called Covid happened and I was basically out of work for 6 months. I was still getting paid but I was just bored. Long story short I basically became very needy and started for attention and validation. I didn’t have any relationship with my own family and I was living in a state with none of my family there. My ex is going to school full time, has her own t shirt business, and does little jobs on the side. Basically with my neediness I put a lot of emotional baggage on her. The relationship was still going good as I remember in June she told me her whole family thought we were going to stay together forever. We talk on the phone every night as well. In July I noticed her becoming very distant and hot/cold with her behavior. One minute she was great next minute she would show extreme frustration with me (and only me). Finally in August I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us. The Next two weeks were still kind of normal. I cut down my contact with her but she would still invite me over. She would even cook me dinner. We still went out on a date and we even went two a couple of her family functions together. Of coarse me being a dumb when she told me she lost feelings for me my anxiety kicked in and I became even more needy and clingy. I would basically tell her that I’m trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didn’t text me back and I flipped out. This added even more stress on her and she dumped me about 3 weeks later. Now I did the usual begging and pleading the day she broke up with me which made her very cold. She offered to stay as friends but I declined because my feelings are too strong. I went into no contact two days after the break up. After the first week of the breakup I wrote her an accountability letter saying that i take ownership of the things I did wrong (my neediness) I did not talk to her for 14 days I broke no contact and basically tried telling her that I’m trying to change. Which to my credit I am. I have lost 20 pounds, started therapy, begin reading the Bible to become a deacon in my church, back to work 6 days a week, and reconciled with my family. She basically said “I know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stoping that.” She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while (I’m 90% positive when I say I believe she wants to stay single and not date other guys but hey I could be wrong). She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because: A) Three weeks before breaking up she said she saw a future B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly) C) I believe she truly didn’t want the breakup but with my clingy and neediness, I basically forced her too. D) I had a very strong relationship with her family E) She was treating me very well even when she express her doubts Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out. I know right now she is very stressed and I need to give her, her space. What do y’all think? Is th8/ relationship worth saving?
  21. I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago. For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping. I asked him to never contact me again and was heartbroken. I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong, he now says my behaiour has ruined our friendship. To add to this he said I had betrayed his trust as I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me. Just feeling very lost and confused :(
  22. Dated ex 1.5 years. I broke up with her but it was mostly mutual. 2 weeks no contact tried to reconcile, she didn’t believe I could change started dating someone new. We had a couple talks after that we’re calm and complimentary. I told her to block me on messenger she did. I went no contact. 2 months later she’s still with guy and seems happy. I see post with hyperlink removed discover she blocked me. I had no way of contacting her and we weren’t friends on site so my feed didn’t come up. Just confused as to why she would go out of her way to do that. Still care about her but accepted breakup.Why would someone do this if they moved on?
  23. Me and my ex dated for 16 months but within 2/3 days of him breaking up with me he’s got someone else, I think it’s a rebound but he’s saying I’m in denial and it’s serious. Now he keeps telling me about her and his plans to spend time with her, for example that he went shopping for clothes for their date, he then told me the whole date and the clothes he got for it, all without me asking. Do you think he’s doing it because he wants me to feel like he’s moved on or is he trying to make me jealous? I would want to get back with him, but I don’t know whether to do no contact or stay and show him what’s he’s missing. If you think no contact, could you give me some advice on what to do I.e. do I open his messages and leave on read or just not open, do I look on his social media like his snapchat story etc. Thanks for the help and advice. P.s. I’m 17 and he’s 18
  24. Hello! I’m looking for some other opinions then my own. I was 10/11 years old when I did something pretty malicious to one of my best friends. Looking back now I think I just wanted to hurt someone since I was hurting and they were an easy target. I had moved away before doing this, and thus didn’t have many serious repercussions (it was through the internet). I haven’t spoken to her since, but despite it being so long ago, it bothers me more now what I did then back then. I regret it so horribly and don’t think I’ve ever properly apologized. Well now I’ve come across her on social media again, and am wondering if I could message her to apologize for what I did, or if I should just continue on and not bother her at all. It has just always eaten away at me, but again I don’t know if I should contact her or not. Thanks for your input!
  25. Not sure how to tag this post. I'll keep it simple. Right now I'm male, 30 and in a loving relationship near 7 years. All 10/10 on that front. But lately I've been thinking about an ex ("Jane"), and the possibility that a very close friend of mine ("Mike") may have at the very least tried to hook up with her. This was like a decade ago. Suddenly I can't get it out of my head and I'm depressed and angry about it. I dated Jane in college for 2 years, where we were steady boyfriend & girlfriend until she decided she needed "time off". Felt like I was getting demoted and that suddenly I wasn't as important as she was to me. It was awful. She'd go off the radar for weeks with "friends" only to show up and pretend no time had passed. Tried it, hated it, broke up some months later. Maybe a week or so after I break it up and cut every tie, my friend Mike gives me a call in the evening. He's frantic and asks if I've spoken to Jane. I hadn't. He tells me he's coming over. We meet and he's in a state I hadn't seen him in before or since. Anxious, panicky, "dude this is serious" level of seriousness. Again he asks me if Jane had said anything to me (she hadn't). He relaxes a bit. We go have dinner. He explains that Jane had threatened to tell me Mike had tried to hook up with her. I reacted by choosing to believe Mike. Jane was an unstable person, especially in our final year together. She was loud, easy to anger, feisty (at her worst she threw things at me) and, I knew this too well, always making empty threats. Child of a physically abusive family and prone to substance abuse, too. It's not that I didn't have reason to believe Mike didn't have a thing for her. Me and Jane used to double date with Mike and his girlfriend. We were part of the same little group for so long, and Mike is this hopeless romantic who gets a crush on any girl who hangs in his vicinity for a while. Thing is by the time I broke up with Jane I hated her guts, wanted nothing more to do with her, saw this supposed threat as a final stab at making me miserable. But she never contacted me about it. All I ever got out of the situation was that Mike was panicked and ready to go out of his way to get to me before she did. 8 years later I'm obsessed with this past scenario for no real relevant reason. Mike is one of my closest friends and, outside my girlfriend, the only person I can spend on a videocall for over 2 hours in the middle of quarantine. I love the guy. But the uncertainty gets me. If I were to question him he wouldn't trust me anymore, and if he were to admit it I wouldn't trust him anymore either. I wish there was a way of confirming if he did try to get it on with my ex but all I have was his version of a thing my ex never brought up (nor did I ask: I've never contact her since). I moved on all these years and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. I hate being lied to and the possibility that my friend has been sitting on this lie all these years breaks my heart a little bit. What would you do in this situation?
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