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  1. hey kids, i just want to extend a big thank you to all of you who have been helping me get through my break up these past few weeks. this site has done more help than anything else. my story is...i have been broken up with my ex for almost 2 months because i wasnt sure where it was going or what i wanted, and i havent seen or spoken to her for basically the entire time. i heard she was in a car accident last night, she is fine...was able to walk away but her car was totaled, we never established "NC" but we naturally went into that mode...should i call or make some sort of contact??
  2. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
  3. Hi guys, so I am M(24) ex F(22) we were together for 18 months and lived together for around 1 year of that. She first broke up with me 2 and a half months ago but she immediately regretted that decision and we got back together 1 hour later. That lasted 2 weeks then she broke up with me again. After 2 days of begging I went No contact and have not reached out since. After the breakup, It took her only a week for her to go on holiday to a different country and move into her 'friends' place who she's know for 5 years and become a official relationship on facebook with this guy. So she's living her dream - living somewhere free, no job and this guy is spoiling her. This guy is not her usual type. Throughout the next month she has blocked and unblocked me a couple times, bearing in mind I have not even reached out in any way. So I find out they are now engaged! Exactly 2 months after our breakup. A day after her engagement announcement she unblocked me from Instagram! This is when I start to realize she is most likely a narc and started looking back on the red flags. I just want your opinions / thoughts. This is all very new and painful to me. Is she a Narc? How can you move on that quickly? Why unblock me to see? Will they ride off into the sunset? Thanks in advance.
  4. To cut a long story short I was in a serious relationship for 4 years - bought a house together and seriously talking marriage. He broke up with me citing incompatibility with what we want in life at the moment from understanding what he wants now this feels like a quarter life crisis where he's questioning himself and what he wants and making big life choices (selling our house, quitting his job, not wanting to commit to anyone and travelling for the foreseeable future). I now see he was right as I have a job and studying that I can't leave and at the moment I don't want a relationship, I want to work on myself and become the person that I want to be by pushing myself. Now he hasn't left for travelling yet so we are still tied by the house, and I've tried to set up boundaries to ensure that there's as little of this talk as possible as this is a sore spot for both of us. However, we still talk to each other at least once a week and im struggling because we still 'click' and can talk about nothing for hours. We always finish the conversation and i feel like there's so much more to say. I've asked him why he reaches out and he says its because he cares, i mean a lot to him, I'll always be close to his heart and that we are significant to each other. Now to me that sounds like someone with conflicting ties - one to freedom and adventure, and the other to love that they feel for someone. Thoughts? I've done a lot of introspection and know that where we were in a relationship last time was not at all what I wanted there was too much pressure on us and we're both in our 20s. I also know that I don't want a relationship either right now because I know I still love him and want to put myself first in my growth for now. I've asked him where he is at emotionally and he says he wants to focus on rebuilding our friendship and that he doesn't want any pressure for there to be anything romantic but that we have feelings for each other that are more than friends. My question is should I continue to keep in contact with him (he says he wants to talk on the phone once a week and text) because I'm really liking the person he's becoming and we both want and enjoy talking to each other? As a side note - We've agreed to keep checking where we both are and what we want emotionally in the future, so if we are misaligned we can pick up on it asap. Or should I cut all contact for the foreseeable for fear of being led on? Whilst cutting contact will hurt me and be very hard, I am scared that contact will keep us stuck in this position we've found ourselves in for good. And with his current life uncertainty there's no guarantee of anything in the future (but I guess that's life) - whether he'll come back it want a relationship in the future.
  5. New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics. Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didn’t (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and she’d spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise. I was upset at first and didn’t talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it. As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons). She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that. I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - I’m not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere. She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold I’d say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didn’t say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didn’t feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, don’t know… She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didn’t plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didn’t want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I can’t have contact with her now so it’s me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said she’d like that. I left it at that and went back to NC. She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - “you definitely should”.
  6. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  7. Well I have not had contact with my EX-GF for almost a year now! I am glad that there is distance between us, because us keeping in touch was not for the right reasons. But lately I have been curious about what she is doing and where she is at. I have decided for my own best intrest I am not going to contact her, but would talk to her if she ever contacted me. I do care for her greatly, and will always love her, for what we had. Infact I would love for her to call me just so we can catch up...I mean I am doing great in life, and want to share that with her! But one thing that keeps popping up in my head is the thought that our paths will magically cross again. Last I heard from her she was living in a different State than myself.....but I run into people from my past all the time, and feel like we are going to run onto eachother as well......How many of you believe that paths always do cross again? or is it just me?? any advice or comments?
  8. have any dumpers out there assumed no contact after they broke up with their bf/gf on NOT bad terms? I know alot of ppl who GET dumped assume no contact to help get over it........... wondering if the DUMPERS also do this at times and WHY
  9. well my ex and i broke up over 7 months ago. we had not been talking until about a month ago.. we were both transferring to a new university (the same one) and we were both a little nervous. i guess he needed me there for support because he contacted me and we started hanging out again.. things were going WONDERFULLY and we were seeing eachother a few times a week. we spent valentines day together (his idea) and i seriously thought we would get back together. well this past friday he got angry and pretty much told me to get lost because i got mad (not even really mad, just asked him not to use the word with me )when he jokingly called me a b*tch.. well he said we can't go on the way we had been, we need to be just friends because thats all we are, that he doesn't ever see us getting back together... the same old stuff he has been telling me all along. well thats not the bad part, i took that and i left. i didn't contact him all weekend and i was just feeling sort of like "whatever" about the situation. i was tired of being his friend when it was convenient for him, or when he NEEDED me in his life. he got comfortable with his new situation (living away from home) and no longer needed me.. whatever.. well, here is the kicker last night at 1 we get a call from my dad, he and my grandpa were out of town visiting my aunt and my grandpa had a heart attack and passed away. i am very upset by all of this, but still sort of in shock and it hasn't really sunk in. this morning i called my ex to let him know (they were close when we were together) he wasn't happy to be getting a call from me, he did sort of the "what" answer.. but he said he was sorry and if i needed to talk i could call him. well just about 30 minutes ago i was REALLY feeling down and i called him, like he said i could.. he said that he coulnd't really talk because it "costs him (well my mom) too much because i don't have a lost of mintues left.. if you want, i'll call you when i get home and give you the number at the appartment" i said "no, thats alright, i'll let you go. bye" and i hung up. i COULND"T believe it, i would spend ANY amount of my money/time if he EVER Needed to talk to me, about anything... i am just floored by his comment and can't believe it. its not like im just some stranger to him, i was with him for over 2 years. i spent days/nights talking to him when he was stressing about his MATH classes for goodness sakes. i stayed TWO hours after school so i could meet him after his class to hang out because was having a bad day, and he can't spend a few minutes using his presious money to comfort me a little bit when im going through this??? i just don't get it. do i really mean THAT little to him?????????????
  10. do you guys think that no contact really works? what are your thoughts? I have emailed my ex and txt once and he has replied both times. thats all the contact we have had and that was in the first few days. its now been 2 weeks. im doin very well. im doing the no contact for me and for him tho, for us to heal and give him his space. im just wondring though, do u guys really think that nc is what makes a person wnat u back? wouldnt it b that it makes them miss u n thereforeeee gives them the IEA they wont u back but then if u do get back together they will realise they arent happy again? or is it tha u have to do nc for them to realise they miss u, n that that does and will work? whats ur thoughts on nc? do it ornot and why? my bf n i broke up on good terms, have never fought. \
  11. Here is the story I have been in this relationship for a year and a half for the last four years he hasn't been in a serious relationship the last relationship before me he fell head over hills for this girl although there relationship lasted less then a year she was the one to end it and break his heart. he has remained in contact with her over the four years my concern is I dont think he ever really has gotten over her and for the most part he calls her often and texts messages her little notes saying how much he misses her and other similar texts. I have questioned him about it, he assures me that there is nothing to be jealous of and that its just an insecurity. But on Valentines Day she was the first person he called not me and last night when he went out with his friends he text messaged her kinda drunk miss you unbearably. shouldn't I be concerned. need advice what would you do.
  12. I have read almost a million posts on here and everything that has been said has fit my sitch. we were together for 14mo. me 28 she 24. going through a rough time the arguing. she secrelty removed her belongings from my place, started talking to ex flings, began to avoid me so we had the talk. i could tell she couldn't hold it in any longer. during the talk we both cried and said our love yous. i gave her a letter I had typed up earlier in the day to take with her, but i also read it for he wheeping. Her reasons were that I said things she just can't forget, which i owned up too. She said she still loves me, felt like she was making a mistake, she was confused. I of course was supportive towards her decision, but told her I didn't want to give up on us. Told her I didn't want it to end, but if that is how she felt than that is what she needed to do. Beginnig that night I found this board and read about NC so I started NC right away. Now what I need advice on: Although I found out today that my mom sent her an email the day after we split talking about how much my parents would miss her and how much she meant to them and how devastated i was. Well I guess my ex responded and it was really high level. for instance she thanked them for the kind words they had for her. She would miss them also and would like to keep in touch. my ex said she would never erase the memoris and would miss them. she also said she is in a bad spot right now because she had tons of emotions swirling around in her head. Then my mom tells me that she emailed her back that she was like the daughter she never had and that she would always be there for her. My mom also told her about a trip I paid for to surprise my ex, which I got the deposit back for, and I know my mom didn't know it was a surprise because i didn't tell her it was. my mom thought my ex knew and wanted her to know I was a good man and would return her part of the money. Althought didn't know of the plans and my ex didn't need to know this and now she does. the ex and I would always take trips that we planned together, which I know my mom only assumesd. my mom also told her that if she moved on that was great and they were happy. She also mentioned to her how breaks can be good for relationships. My mom finally told me this today because she felt bad and wanted to let me know she would not email my ex again unless my ex contacted her. Even though it has been two weeks since my breakup, my mom wants me to move on, quickly. After that long story, I guess I want to know if my mom screwed whatever chance I have at self pride. Also let me know if relatives can break the NC rule and it be okay? I know my mom had good intentions. Let me know your thoughts and if you ever experienced this sort of situation before. I had dated exs where their ex boyfriend's parents still kept in touch. BTW I haven't heard from my ex since the night we broke up.
  13. So they say that when you make eye contact with a girl, you should not break it before she does to show that you're not afraid. But I always find myself in what feels like a staring contest. And I always lose. I realized that I never blink and I'm wondering if blinking constitutes breaking eye contact. I think I could win the staring contest if I'm allowed to blink. I know how silly this all sounds. But I'm 26 and just came out of a 6 year relationship. So I've never really been in the game before. I just keep trying not to break eye contact and these women just don't stop staring into me until I smile or look away. It gets very awkward. I mean - it's lasted over 10 seconds sometimes. When they do this, should I just say Hi right away and start talking to them? I feel like such a dork right now.
  14. Hello everyone, just wondered what you make of the following. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago after a year and half together including 5 - 6 months of living together. It was really her who decided we weren't right for each other and we should break up. She said at the time, we'll always be friends, and I hope so much we can be friends etc etc. We have made a few attempts at being friends but things are normally a bit tense, the last time we met she was 25 minutes late and couldn't remember whether we had said 8 or 8.30. I was pretty annoyed about this and told her. So fast forward a couple of months and I have a new gf, dunno whether she is seeing anyone or not - i think she is though, a guy from her work. She emails me on Monday (Valentines day) to say "I really think we had best not be in contact with each other as I don't believe that things will manage to be friendly for a good while yet. take care of yourself." I replied to her saying "ok then if that's what you think, although I am assuming you mean that I wouldn't manage to be friendly to you which I hope would not be true, anyway I don't feel like I can try to make contact with you anymore, so it's up to you. I'm seeing someone else now anyway, but I did hope we could be friends, I guess not though. maybe see you around some time I guess." Why would she decide this - is she trying to muck me around ? I didn't tell her who I am seeing as it is a girl we both used to work beside. It looks like we'll never speak to each other again to be honest, since there is no way now I can make contact with her. Although now I'm not really too bothered about that other than a bit sad that we'll become total strangers. Just wondered what you all thought. Steve.
  15. I read all of these posts with the NC rule working out and some that dont work out. I am 21 years old and have been with my ex gf since i was 17 she was 16 i was her first everything, first kiss first sex partner basically she learned everything from me. I screwed up big time with not doing anything with my life and getting comfortable and dependent on her. she had been telling me to do something with my life for about 3 years i guess her feelings have changed a little bit over time. she says shes confused and doesnt know what she wants she is in college and has a lot of things going on with her life and i am so proud of how hardworking she is and so disapointed in myself for not seeing the signs and taking her for granted thinking subcontiously that she will be there always. i didnt do anything with my life just worked sometimes and what not. finally she had enough and said that she needs some space at first. i guess she wanted me to change and i started to change my ways but still talking to her and still seeing her, i was having a very hard time because i was getting mixed signals and would get excited real quick for example we went to the getty museum enjoyed some art and she kissed my once and i said thats not a kiss give a real 1 and she kissed me again. i couldnt take it anymore i was hanging on for hopes that might not be there so i didnt know what to do i called her friend which is my friend kind of but she is on her side. her friend told me that she is still confused and doesnt know what she wants because my changes i think werent big enough mind you im still changing and it will take time, anyways she arranged a phone call with me and my ex and she told me that shes sorry for leading me on and that she does love me she said i have a awesome personality and a heart of gold and that im very hansom but i have to let go i was still clinging on and was so affraid of the NC thing we were very honest and open with eachother. she said because i was still clinging on and keeping contact everytime she would begin to feel something i would ruin it by trying to see her call her be with her so i said i know i have to let you go and i now have no choice to accept that you are gone and if we are meant to be she will comeback to me she said yes thats right, so basically we ended it very gentle and i said to her before i hung up i said you were a bird that i loved so much and i kept you in my hands and didnt let you fly away but i see that in order for you to get back the true love feelings you once had i need to let you go and become an independent man so i said fly away little birdy fly..... and said bye she then said dont say bye i will still talk to you and you wll still call me i said no im sorry i cant call you and she said ok i was beggining to get emotional and my voice was cracking i was trying so hard with all my might not to cry and i didnt but she could hear it in my voice the last things she said was you know sometimes things have a way of working out and we hung up. now its been more then 2 weeks im ok i have a long road ahead of me i have a lot of changes to make. i am kind of a weak person and she is so strong i think this is her way of making me change and become a stronger person i dont know im still very much in a state of shock but am accepting it slowly. the NC thing could benefit me or not i guess we will see what the following months will bring she is the love of my life i love this girl sooooooooooooo much. weve been together for 4 1/2 years and im shattered is she doing this to get me to change? or is she really confused? is she trying to get rid of me gently? im getting my life on track and she sees that what should i do evryone tells me she will come around 4 1/2 years is a long time for a girl to forget especially if i was her first love. i dont know im so lost all i know is that everything happens for a reason and thats all i really have going for me I sent flowers for valentines day and called she didnt pick up but later that night she sent a text msg thanking me for the flowers, my friends tell me to be patient shell come around but i need some professional advice help me out guys pleaseeeee!!!!!!
  16. I am divorced now for 5 months. My x has two daughters from a previous relationship. I maintain some contact with her daughters 18 and 14 years old. I send them cards gifts for bdays and holidays with no expectations. These girls were part of my life for ten years and im not sure where i fit in this puzzle. If i break contact with them would they understand? Would i be a creep if i did ? Again i do what i do because i want to and not to get x baxk or anything manipulative like that.These girls have been on so many emotional roller coasters it is the last thin i want to do. Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated..
  17. Two and a half months of no contact with an ex and I'm still having trouble accepting what happened. I've accepted that it's best that we broke up...but I can't accept the fact that he cannot stand me at all. I honestly don't know why, I've been honest, sincere, and appreciative of him as a person. After making one mistake of saying brutally honest things while in an emotional state, he didn't want anything to do with me. I've apologized and said that no matter what happens I wish him the best and that I'll be there to help him in the future. He knows I think it's best we don't contact now, but he still never replied which means he didn't acknowledge me at all. I've been handling the situation okay since there's really nothing I can do but go on with life, but lately I've just been feeling so down at the fact that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me at all. It makes me feel so low and I know that these feelings will fade, but the thought will always stay there. I wanted to ask those who have been in a simlar situation how did it help you as a person? What have you learned from that experienc and how did you cope right after it happened? I know I'll be okay, but I just need some encouragement right now. Thank you
  18. Hi all! A few years ago, the woman I was deeply in love with decided to go on with her life without me as her lover: She loved me still, but was not in love with me anymore. To hear that from her mouth was a bitter "pill" I had to swallow, but I had no choice other than to move away and go on with my life the best I could and knew how. Deprived of her love and her company, I felt frustrated and very sad. Dwelling on my loss and disappointment, I went through a long period of no contact with her. Years have passed and although I got myself a new girlfriend, I had all the symptoms of someone who was not really over with the Ex. While being "in exile", there were some feeble attempts of contacting each other, but the silence that followed was always long. One day, after much struggling and thinking, I decided to call her. We had a nice talk and, since then, our contact has been a bit more regular. The subject of our talks usually varies according to the moment, but our conversations have been shedding light on misunderstandings we both had in the past. In one of our talkings, I was surprised to hear her saying that she feels like we never broke up. Although she is married to the "one she left me for" and has a nice life, she told me I still touch her emotions in a way she didn't know would be possible. I love this woman. I always did. To hear her saying that she never stopped loving me makes me smile and rekindles my feelings for her. However, the fact that she is married and I have a girlfriend (the only one I had after my ex) puts me/us in a very uncomfortable situation (The whole thing has a bitter-sweet taste). I have tried to find a solution where no one would be hurt in the end, but I am hurting already. It makes me feel sad the fact that I am not "allowed" to freely express and live out my feelings for her like I did before. She wants to include me in her life and share things that go on in both our lives. I would like that too, but I have no clue how to reconcile the true nature of my feelings for her with our present situation. She says she is torn between common sense and her emotions... So am I. I don't believe that a "traditional" way of looking at this issue will provide a suitable solution to this case, but I know that there are many people out there just like us. Any insight (without prejudices) would be greatly appreciated.
  19. I've been posting on the Ex-boyfriend/Ex-girlfriend forum. But maybe my situation fits this forum better... We broke up after five years. Things had gotten pretty bad and neither could seem to fix our problems despite both of us trying very hard. The break-up was mutual but was really more from her end. She had moved out of our apartment two months earlier. A week and a half after the breakup I told her that I didn't really want to break up and felt that the 10 days apart had really changed me. No dice. Then after a couple months of NC I realized that I'd never forgive myself if I didn't do absolutely everything in my power to get her back. I told her I wanted to get back together, but she still wanted time apart. Then I got it out of her that she'd been sleeping with this older guy since not very long after we broke up. But she said she still loved me, did not love the new guy, and wanted me to be in her life. She said that she could see herself with me in the future, but that she wanted didn't want a ramantic relationship in the immediate future. So after a couple weeks I asked her out to a concert with me. She happily accepted. We had a great time and talked a whole lot. The following week she called to see if I wanted to hang out so I invited her to lunch. The week after that she called to see if we were doing anything for my birthday. So I invited her to another concert on my b-day. Then I invited her to another concert the week after that. All of these concerts were on week nights incidentally. We had a great time at all of them. She really enjoyed herself and I was very confident and comfortable at all times. Then it was x-mas time and she called to make a date for exchanging gifts. We met and had a nice lunch and exchanged gifts. Then she broke down crying and started going on about all her problems and confusion. I didn't bring up my end of it. I just listened and tried to offer advice. We hung out for lunch or dinner a few more times in the next month. Talks got more serious, but we still didn't talk about "us". She said that we always have fun when we hang out. Then I ran into her downtown and met the guy she's been with. I was cool about it and told her, "Any friend of yours is a friend of mine." Then the next time I saw her, she totally broke down. She seemed very ashamed and felt really guilty about everything. I told her that I still wanted to get back together and she was pretty surprised. We talked for hours about where we both were and what we wanted. She was so upset and couldn't tell me one way or another. I didn't pressure her and said I wanted her to take her time and think about it. Two weeks later we went to another concert (this time with a couple that she's friends with) and had a good time. But she still hadn't left the other guy despite having only negative things to say about him and making it sound almost certain that she would dump him. So I decided I had to let go. It was the only way I was ever going to get my head clear enough to know that I definitely wanted to continue with this. Then the following week she called and was really confused and wanted to talk to me. She says that I'm the only person she can really talk to that isn't crazy, dillusional, or stupid. So we hung out and had some drinks. I felt really good afterwards because it was the first time she'd really called me specifically because she needed me and for no other reason. She needed me and no one else would do. That made me feel good. That was last week. I sent her a silly drawing I made in MS Paint along with a bag of twizzlers (whish she loves) for V-day. It just said, "Valentine's day is for lovers, but it's also for people who love each other. Happy V-day. Your friend, [universe]" Then on the night of V-day, she calls and wants to know if I want to get drinks. I met her a couple hours later and we met up. Once again we talked about her problems and her confusion. She says she's thinking of seeing a shrink. I agreed that it would be a good idea. Someone sent her a black pearl necklace anonymously for v-day. Ironically, I had bought her a black pearl necklace for x-mas a few years back. She thought it had been me, but I told her it wasn't. I suggested it was the guys she's been with and she said, "Maybe. But I don't think so because he would want to be there to take credit. Plus, he's cheap." So she had more bad things to say about him. But I didn't ask anymore. It certainly sounds like they're on the rocks and I don't want to press anymore. I was just happy that she wanted to hang out with me on v-day and not him. Soooo...What do you guys think? Is she coming back? Is there any significance to this v-day meeting? I plan to continue with NC at this point (as in - I don't initiate contact ever and try to let go). But I still want her back. Everytime we've hung out I feel myself falling more and more in love with her. It takes a serious concentrated effort to not jump on her when we're together. I know she's confused and needs time. But it's been exactly 5 months to the day of our officially breaking up. It's been almost a month since she broke down and started confiding in me and I told her that I still wanted to get back together. All of that is still up in the air. She hasn't told me no yet. She just stays confused and upset all the time. I really want to help her, but I know I'm a source of confusion for her. And yet, I'm also a rock of stability for her I think. I don't want to break NC. I need to make her miss me. But I also need her to get un-confused so that a new healhty relationship between us will be possible. It's just taking her a really long time. I need an outside perspective. Where do you guys think I stand with her? Is there anything I can do other than work on myself and my own issues and try to let go? Any advice would be appreciated.
  20. Hello. I have a new situation. This past week I spent four valuable days riding accross the U.S. on Amtrak. There was a bit of fate involved here...I was on a train I was not scheduled to ride, but my first train was delayed due to a tunnel fire. So I scrambled to catch a train in Sacramento, California. On board, I met a group of people also travelling out East. One by one, we all departed at various stops, but one of the group was with me until Syracuse, New York. He was a handsome, outgoing young man who was journeying home after being in California for a week. We didn't speak until Chicago, when we found out we were being transferred to the same train. We talked while we were waiting, and he seemed quite attentive to me,which brightened my day. When we finally boarded, we discovered we had to ride in separate cars due to our differing destinations. As I was herded away, he called out to me, "Meet me in the lounge!" An hour later I went to the lounge and found he had just arrived there,looking for me. We got some food and continued talking. Hours passed and we did not move from our seats. The attendant for my car saw our developing bond and gave us permission to sit in the lounge for the rest of our trip. All night we talked and laughed. My new friend begged me to get off the train with him in Syracuse. In fact, he asked me all night to come with him, but I had to refuse because I had set plans I couldn't break. He was very disappointed, but made me promise to visit him in Syracuse on my way back,which will be on the 29th. It is a crazy event for me,and I am not sure how he climbed into my heart, but he did. He let me sleep in his arms, and his embrace was a light, warm place....He told me this was love at first sight for him,that I was completely unique, that he wanted for me to "be his girl." He marvelled over how much we had in common, and told me he found me intelligent and alluring. I know it all seems so silly and unrealisitc, but I cannot help keeping him on my mind,wondering why he has not called. He told me he would call me last night to see if I arrived, but he did not. Again, my heart is on my sleeve. I was very cautious and did not reveal too much of my heart to him, but I wonder why he has not attempted to contact me. The entire time I was with him I scrutinized his actions to determine if he was being sincere. Maybe he was not, and I was just a few hours of diversion for him. Is this why he has not called? Perhaps men would rather enjoy a woman's company for a brief time, and just find relaxtion and pleasure in flirting heavily with a new girl? I do not know. He litterally pleaded all night for me to deboard the train and come with him. Just a ploy? He made me solemnly promise to visit him on my way back, and asked me to call him. Should I? I have been told that if a woman calls, a man quickly loses interest because there is no more challenge. I would like to call him (I feel in the mood for a romantic adventure, and this man has struck a chord in my being) but is this not advisable? I am always checking my phone in hopes that I will see he has called. Dear me, I am such a hopeless romantic. I need advice desperately...a man's point of view would help me greatly.
  21. I know this is something that you all have seen so much before; its another case of "got serious too young" and now she's left me. It was going okay, after almost a month of NC, but we talked last night and it took a big turn for the worse. Sorry if this is long, but I'm about to lose it and I have no-one to talk to right now. We started dating when she was 17 and I was 18. She'd had one other serious boyfriend, and she was my first -- everything. Date, girlfriend, kiss, and so on. She was this amazing girl, who was selfless and believed in love. She showed me what real life was and how to feel things (all things). I was not an emotional person before I met her. She was smart and funny and beautiful, but not typical in any of those ways. She stood out from the rest of our high school and then this past year, college as well. While we were rational enough to know that we were young and things can change, we were in love. I could not have asked for any more from her, and I was completely and honestly taken with her. I'm not a perfect person, but I sincerely believed that I would do anything for her; I knew in my heart that I did not deserve her love and that I was blessed to have it. She and I had gone "all the way," after two years. It took us a year and a half before anything we did was more than completely innocent "making out." When I started dating her, I had no idea what my values concerning love and sex were; but our cautiousness with the whole area, and our conscious acknowledgement of love as the driving force behind the passion, convinced me that sex, in any form, between two people is sacred. She taught me those values, and I came to realize that what we had was unique among our peers. College life is full of drugs, random sex, and alcohol, and I felt blessed (literally) to be above it. But she was a "pleaser," to a fault. I watched her, over our time together, fight through unhealthy friendships where the other person was using and taking and yet she couldn't ask for what she wanted in the friendship. She had this inability to tell the truth to people for fear of hurting them. She also faced pretty serious depression (self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts) which we, together and with the help of Paxcil, we able to conquer. She broke up with me about two months ago. It was hard, and I have missed her so much that sometimes it physically hurts. But, I do love her, and because of that I was able to accept that this separation is exactly what she needed in her life. She told me, two weeks in, that she was happy, and so I was content with the choice. I still hoped she'd change her mind. Anyway, after two and a half smooth and amazing years, we broke up. I am a rather conservative guy, in a lot of ways, and I'm sort of stubborn. So that, coupled with her desire to only do what she thinks I want, made her feel trapped and she needed to "break free." She "still loved me" and wanted to "be friends still, be on the same team still." But I soon found out that her voice, smile and touch rendered me helpless and I couldn't go from day to day. I had to cut off contact in order to survive. After the first month, I broke the no contact rule and sent her an email. I told her how I felt and how much she had meant to me. I was honest and sincere, and I tried to remind her of what we had, and how good it was. I couldn't fathom the idea that she would walk away from that. But I told her that I still respected her position. I couldn't help it – I love with her still. It felt good to tell her all these things that I'd never said, for whatever reason, and to just lay my entire self out on the page for her to see. It prompted a phone call, and she was finally able to tell me that she no longer loved me and that part of this breakup was her knowledge that she wanted to date other people. Hearing that hurt, but it helped me to try and move on. Another month has gone by with no contact whatsoever. I signed onto my computer last night and saw she was online. I was feeling pretty good and I wanted to say hi… so I did. It was awkward at first, but soon she couldn't help but say she missed me. She had run into my grandparents at the store where she works and she had been having a hard week. Well, for all my good intentions, I'm not very emotionally strong and so I started talking with her about it. Hope, that thing that love is built on, crept up within me that we might work things out. But she kept saying that "I'm not as special/amazing/unique as you think I am, Tom." I knew she was wrong, but it started to get confusing. Soon I could sense guilt in her words. And then she finally just stopped. She told me that she had been "partying a lot more since we broke up" and that she had "kissed other guys." Soon it was apparent that it had been more than that, as well, sexually. And so now I know that within two months of leaving our relationship behind, she has changed her views on sex and alcohol and drugs. She, the one who showed me what love is and could be, has chosen to believe that sex and love are not necessarily related (her words). I never suspected this. I thought I knew her, and I thought she respected herself and what we had shared enough to not cheapen it by having drunken sexual encounters with random guys. But "at least the decision's mine" she said. I don't know what to think. I can't just stop loving her. But I feel so betrayed! I know that it's her life alone now, and that those are her mistakes to make. But I can't help worrying about her now. This must be some kind of a backlash against what she saw to be my "old fashioned" (her words) views of life. What if she gets hurt or pregnant? The girl that I was in love with believed that love was sacred. And we were always so able to include love in every touch, every kiss. Why would she change like that? How could she? And how do I get past this now? My head is spinning. I miss her, yet I am furious that she would cheapen those things which we had shared exclusively by abusing them. I'm almost 21 years old and I have loved, kissed, dated, touched only one girl. She made me who I am, shaped me into the man I am, and she was so easy to love. How can someone change like that? And how can she still say that she misses me? Am I wrong in thinking this? I know I'm naïve, but am I wrong? Is nothing sacred? What do I do? Tom
  22. I broke-up with my first boyfriend and didn't know anything about NC rules then. I became very weak and called him many times to the point he thought I was a stalker and dissed me badly. I am sure I came accross as ultra-clingy, needy, and insecure. Now it's been 4 months since NC, and I still love him but I'm not as weak as I was the first days after the split up. How much time should one wait to break the NC rules after having made a fool of oneself?
  23. Though all the pain of breaking up, though it hasn't been too long (2 weeks ago) i have taken immidate action to try and better myself from this experiance. I have been going to therapy and my therapist reccomended a book that is excelent and you all should read because it will help you understand where your relatinship lacked, went wrong and how to fix future relationships before they turn sour. The book is called "The Seven principles for makeing Marriage work". it applies to not just marriages but relationships in general, it helps you figure out what makes a happy marriage specifically not just concentrating on what makes marriages fall apart. It has made me realize thgat there definatly were some potentialfuture disasters waiting to happen with the way things were going, but we had ALLOT of positives too, In any case i am concidering sending my ex a very to the point email suggesting her pick up the book so she can better understand herself and be better equiped to deal with relationships in the future. I don;t want to try and decipher specifically what worked or didn't work in our relationship and feed it to her but mearly suggest she decide that herselfwhen reading the book, I've learned allot from the book and think you guys should pick it up too, although a warning is that you will experience feelings of disappointment regarding your breakup situation when you read about parts of your former relationship that were solvable,think of it as a way to keep future potential relationships from screwing up. though i admit, part of why i want to suggest the book to my ex is to have her realize that i have made progress to attempt to better my understanding of relationships and would be better equipped should she ever decide to want to try it agian with me(though the opposite could happen,she could thinkwe were just way too different to try agian, even though i don't thinkthats the case). Though i hate to admit it to myself, as badly as she hurt me by leaving i do wish her sucess in life and happiness. Theres also arisk of her desiring to try these techniques on a new partner too. All in all, i'm not sure if i should suggest it to her, or break NC for this in general... Whatare your thoughts on this? Bythe way pickup this book it will probably help you allot,it's by the auther John M. Gottman.
  24. Hi guys.... Most of you may know me and my story by now. (Standard Re-cap: 12 Yrs. Best Friends (When Harry Met Sally)...constantly supporting one another, closest soulmates, always underlying attraction; always saying "i love you" and treating one another like family...1.5 years ago, he made the move to take it to the romantic level....heaven for 12 months...distancing occurred as he had doubts about his future, etc.....horribly painful last 3 months filled with lots of "come here, go away"...a final break-up on the EXACT SAME DAY that he finally lost his job...and since then....he has refused to speak to me.... Has talked to my family, took a vacation w/ my best friends, told everyone he'd "like to be friends with me some day"...but that "it's just TOO DIFFICULT FOR HIM right now (then why is he choosing this?)....during initial begging, crying, asking "why", he was angry and said "you have to respect what i want, go take care of yourself, i have to take care of me and we can't take care of one another....it's too painful" (I know now...all the right stuff). Anyway, last week, he "reappeared" at our mutual tennis club (I posted that occurrence). It was terribly awkward. I played it very cool, casual...as did he. No talk of the relationship or anything that happened....it only last 5 minutes. But it was RIDICULOUS in its absurdity and total lack of honesty. It's not like we're teens...he's 38. I'm 31. We've been the closest of friends, priding ourselves on our communication for 12 years. To see one another, and have all of this tension between us is SO dishonest and counter to anything. Still, he made it plain as day that "I need to respect his wishes...that he will talk to me when he's ready to be friends" (Isn't the one who's being dumped supposed to give that line....not the one who's choosing to do the breaking up???). Anyway, tomorrow is his 39th birthday. I've been with him and his family every year for his birthday for 12 years. I decided I will not call...he has said he'd call me when he's ready, and has yet to do so. The big question.....Do I at least send him a card ? One that acknowledges how much I know him, but is no different than the ones I would have sent as a friend during the long friendship? Please give thoughts and feedback as I don't want him to feel "pressured" by my sending him a card but also want to continue to send messages in a positive, non-suffocating way that his decision to end the best friendship he's had for most of his adult life is his choice....that I am here and interested in re-building trust and platonic love and support whenever he is ready. PS - As far as I know, he still has no idea what he will do for his job.
  25. Hi, Im new to this board, and have read some great posts. I will try to keep my post to the point, just need some insight. I have been dating a man for a year. about nine months into the relationship, things got pretty bad. I have a chronic illness, and i have a pretty darn good life, i.e. still work full time, independent, but my main limitations arise when I cannot keep going like some people can. I have narcolepsy, and some times, I just HAVE to sleep. I dont have a choice. it has effected me in other ways to, mostly, I have at times told myself that I could do so much more than I really could, which resulted at times in disappointing others, cancelling plans etc. My boyfriend was mostly very understanding. I started a study for a trial for a new drug for narcolepsy, and it's effects were not good. abnormal thinking, amd depression were the worst. During this time, I could not give my boyfriend the time that our relationship deserved. I wasnt always honest with him about what was really going on. I would say, I was ok, when I wouldnt be, mainly because I was so tired of people not ubnderstanding for many years about my illness. well, we broke up, still saw each other like nothing was wrong. I felt and still feel alot of guilt. He was very supportive of me, but would go back and forth so much from supportive to just down right super critical, and his words were harsh at times, and I just felt like there wanst any way to make him understand. I would just do my best. The last few months, not taking the trial medication, I have struggled but have gotten so much better. He told me about two months ago that he thought he would go out with others. but we were still intimate, and he was not intimate with anyone else. He is very honest, I trust what he says. Sorry, long story, Ill shorten it from here on. he has been dating others, it has broken my heart, but I knew that if he decided to become intimate with anyone else, I would not be able to see him anymore, I would not do that to myself. He said I have too many hang ups, and he is not looking to get in a relationship with anyone right now, so he'll jsut go out with others, nothing serious. during our relationship, we both told each other that we knew we were "it" for each other. he has so many great qualities, and does come around if he ever said anything or hurt me in any way. Now it is like he has no emotions. He said when he thinks about being intimate, he only thinks of me. I spent the night with him on friday. I talked with him on saturday to see if he wanted to do something. He said he couldnt, he had a date. I freaked out and cried like a fool. He said that when we were together it was just sex. nothing more. He has never said anything like this to me. It killed me inside. through these last few weeks, he still seems very interested in if im dating, where I am, etc. He even admitted to driving through my parking lot to see if I was home. I dont know what in th heck is going on. I wrote him a letter, apologised for my crying and begging, and told him that I loved him, and wanted him to be happy. Whether it be with me, or without. I told him I would wait for him. I have not contacted him since. I'm doing ok, but cry my head off at times. I guess i am starting that no contact faze. Before when we were in a small argument, I didnt contact him, and he said later that he took that as if I didnt care. Help help!! What the heck should I do?? I know why I love him. I do need to change many things in my life, and I am already in that process, not for him, but for me. Any suggestions? sorry for being so long, thanks.
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