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About Me

  1. I thought I would give a go at this journaling thing. My friends do not partake in online dating and I don't really get feedback from anyone that does. Mostly my friends shake their heads and ask `why?' I've been out of a relationship since May '14 and without rehashing all that has transpired I will say that online dating has changed considerably in the past 3 years. I've taken several breaks, mostly after meeting men looking for casual sex and men who are too afraid to put themselves out there and seem to put me in the drivers seat to pursue them and breath life into the situation. Neither of which I am comfortable with. I am a young (as so I am told) 50 something yr old professional with a rich social life, so I am definitely not lonely. If I sense there is no momentum in a man that I meet I am quick to let it go seeing that I don't have a lot of free time and being with my friends is often a much better option. After my last fail .. well I can't really call it a failed attempt, maybe a valuable lesson with dating someone I mentioned here in previous posts, that I had dated earlier this year and he made a return visit in Oct. He is clearly not ready for a relationship but I am very taken by him and we have amazing chemistry. With that being said he is dating others and at some point these things run their course and I opted out, not wanting to be part of the `rotation' and finding myself engaging in an intimate relationship with someone I did not have a commitment with. Mind you this is the first time in my life I tried to do this and much like I already knew I am not cut out for it. He still texts once in a while and says he misses me, but it messes with my emotions so the more distance I get the better. I wish things were different . . but it is what it is. To keep my sanity during that time I continued to date others (not intimately) and the pace was wearing on me and creating all sorts of unneeded anxiety. During the holidays I pulled my profile but continued to communicate with one person who's schedule is opposite of mine for the time being so meeting was a challenge. During my time off during the holidays we met for breakfast and as much as I really didn't want to go, I was pleasantly surprised. Now 3 dates later my current challenge is to see if this man can open up and let me in. Apparently I make him very nervous and at times he shuts down. I tried dating someone like him sometime ago and I thought in time he might let me in. After several weeks I realized it was never going to happen. What I do like about my new friend is that he has some old school values much like mine, maybe a little more conservative. He noticed I pulled my profile (only for a break) and pulled his as well saying he typically only dates on person at a time to see where it goes. It's nice to not have to interpret someone's intentions and refreshing to know I am not part of someone rotation. We haven't so much as held hands yet which builds up that anticipation part that seems to be so fun and he's a good `dater'. I have met so many men who don't know how to date. .funny as that sounds, but true. I am enjoying this. He is showing me that he does have sense of humor and enjoys giving me a hard time (playfully) I am optimistic that there is someone that I am able to connect with behind the shyness. He has assured me that he is typically not this way and has promised to open up. I still have another friend I will see tonight. T and I have been dating for about 3 months now and as much as I like and I am attracted to him I just don't think we are relationship material. He's gone most weekends to see his son 8 hours away. He's so sweet and endearing but not very active, pretty much a couch kinda guy, very Christian and not much of a social drinker. (my social circle is!) He has a very naïve almost immature quality to him but I feel safe and cared for with him. I often wish I could see him as someone more than a friend but that certain quality is lacking. I don't see him often and have opted out a couple times lately, but I am looking forward to catching up tonight. So this it. . at least for now. I see my shy friend this weekend. M has invited me for a day trip to the local mountains and I am looking forward to it. For now my profile is down . .tomorrow who knows!?
  2. I look on this forum a lot to see if there are any new stories about people getting back together with their ex's. I do it just so that I can have some hope, and I really hope someday I can post my story on here to give others confidence that having hope pays off. In the meantime, I am going to make a list of actual stories of people I know that broke up and got back together. Please post your stories here too and we can put a little bit of cheer into this forum. 1. My friend was dumped by his girlfriend of 4 years. They were broken up for a year and a half and he tried everything to get her back. One day he was with his friend talking about her and she called him right then to talk about something trivial, and he went over to her house. They got back together and now they are engaged. 2. My friend's sister and her husband broke up for four years and now they are married with 3 kids. 3. My friend broke up with her high school sweetheart when we were 19 and they got back together a few years later and have been together ever since. 4. My other friend broke up with her high school sweetheart when she was a sophomore in college and they just got back together and now they live together. 5. A friend of my ex's was so sad about a girl forever, talked about her all the time when we were out at the clubs, couldn't believe they broke up, etc....now they have been back together for over a year. 6. My friend and her boyfriend dated for a few years, broke up for 9 months, now they are engaged. She says their relationship is better than ever now they are back together. 7. My friend was hung up on this guy forever, he would go back and forth and never commit, now they are living together and she is going to have a baby. They are really happy and in the end it worked out great. That is just some of the stories I know off the top of my head. Please post any stories of reconciliation that you know of so that we can have some cheer in this forum.
  3. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  4. Hi everyone! I am reaching out to get some outside advice about a problem I'm having with a friend of mine. I have a small group of friends and one of them I have known for almost 10 years. All the years I have known her, she has dated men who do not stick around for long. She gives them something that they want/need for the moment (in many more ways than what we are all thinking!) and then they leave her in the dust. Despite us warning her of red flags we might see, she always pins us as the bad guys and then something happens and we are stuck in a "We told you so." position. She has been with a new guy for maybe 6 months. We met him a few times and he seemed nice! Then he began making her late for our gatherings, he came to one with her after causing an argument. He didn't converse with any of us at the gathering despite us trying to include him in conversation, ask questions, etc., he then got really rude with one of our friends when we decided on a place to go that he didn't particularly like, continued to not talk to us and then left abruptly from the event, leaving her with us to go home-one hour away. (He took her car.) Without dragging this on too much, we were told at the beginning of their "journey" that he had an apartment that he allowed his sister to stay in because she needed a place to stay after returning from serving with the Marines, but then she developed COVID-19 and had to quarantine, so he stayed with my friend for the time being. But he left the sister his car to use, while he also owns another place in the same area, where he could have stayed. My friend then allowed (and still allows) him to use her car to go to his job (over an hour away from where we live), out with his friends, various personal appointments. It began inconveniencing me because she then relied on ME to get her to work (we are also coworkers, we carpool regularly) more days than normal. I began turning down or rescheduling dates because I didn't want to leave her high and dry. It has been 6 months and we haven't seen him attempt to get a new car, take back his apartment, and every time they went to stay closer to where he worked, they stayed in a hotel. My friends and I see these red flags and have tried in our different ways to make it apparent to her that there is something wrong. It has come to the point that none of us want to be with her, everyone avoids being where he is and turns down invitations if he is at all included. The other 4 of us have made plans without her because of this and we don't know what to do in order to tell her. We are all stuck because we know that she will not like it, and pin us all either against each other (she has lied to us all about some details of this) or we will be the bad guy. How should we approach this? Should we all tell her at once, should someone tell her individually? Should we wait until something happens and then express concern? Sorry for the long write up-and thank you for taking the time to read and help!
  5. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  6. A few years back, I posted a journal of my online dating experiences: A couple of relationships later, I was finally dumped in November and tried to get her back in March: That didn't work, so I went through some self-examination: Now I'm back in the singles game... so here's Round 2 of an online dating journal from a 42-yo guy in a big American city. I have accounts on POF & Match.com, but the former seems a bit sketchy and the latter has never yielded any results for me. So for now I'll be focusing on OKCupid, which has been pretty effective for me in the past and is how I met my last two girlfriends. Back in December 2012, I sent out about 50 messages on OKC which yielded 5 dates: JINA (29) - We went out twice, held hands on 2nd date, got along well but no real sparks. I halfheartedly asked for a 3rd date a week after our 2nd one, but she didn't accept and I didn't really care one way or the other. TISA ( 38 ) - Very professional type-A personality, talked about herself the entire dinner, messaged me later that she wasn't interested anyway, so that was it. ELLEN (42) - Had a nice 2-hour lunch but she wanted to be just friends; we're pals on FB now. IRINA (42) - We had a fun date, but I wasn't interested in pursuing further. A few months later she contacted me on FB because we had a mutual friend, and now we hang out every so often as each others' wingmen haha! Great friend now. WYNN (37) - We got along well from the first email, lots in common, communicated a lot, sex was great, we ended up dating every weekend for 5 weeks. But then I had strong reservations (some identifiable, others not) about getting too serious, plus I hadn't quite resolved feelings about my ex, so I called things off. I still think about her every day, though, and would seriously consider contacting her again if other options don't pan out. But admittedly she may not want to give me another chance, may be dating someone (after being on OKC this entire time, she took her profile down today) and I really need to play the field a bit right now before I'd feel comfortable going back with hat in hand. Then IRL, a very pretty longtime friend & former bandmate SASHA (31) drunkenly hinted very that she was interested in me when we saw each other at a club a few weeks ago. We've been friends awhile but she has boyfriend, so I took that with a grain of salt and just texted her a week later about meeting for a drink next time she's in town. She said she would, but I'm not holding my breath for a date, nor will I do anything past a hug until she breaks up with him. I just wanted to let her know the door was open. Since my last round of OKC dating in December, I have a new photo with short hair and I've edited down my profile to keep it briefer, and also to emphasize my more responsible traits that might appeal to women more serious about a LTR. I've sent out 90 messages, mostly to very attractive women so I've expected a lot of non-replies. I sent 3 of them just to have an activity partner for moviegoing (1 didn't reply; 1 agreed, we talked on the phone for an hour, but she ultimately flaked; 1 lives in another city but will be moving here soon, we're now FB friends). 11 messages were never opened. I got lukewarm replies from 2 women that didn't go anywhere. Then after a long drought of no replies at all, last week I received 4 (!) replies that showed clear interest, and here's the results after a bit of back & forth: JEANETTE (41) - Financial Analyst. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes this past Friday and have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) RAQUEL ( 38 ) - Graphic Designer. I plan on calling her tonight, but we have a concrete date for Wednesday regardless. NICOLA (33) - Not sure of her job, but she's nerdy in a good way. After some lengthy replies at first, her messages got briefer and less frequent, and though we have a date set for Thursday, the specifics aren't nailed down yet. I think there's a decent chance she'll flake. KATHY (41) - Psychologist. I've only gotten one reply so far, but it was enthusiastic, so I asked to chat on the phone this week. Still waiting on a reply. In between all these, I get around 3-7 messages a week from women I have absolutely no interest in. So 90 messages this go-around have yielded 3 dates for a success rate of 3%, down from from a 10% success rate in November. And to be honest, I'm not super excited about any of these four women yet, but I'll reserve judgment until I meet them IRL. At least I'm keeping busy this week.
  7. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  8. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. We’ve been seeing his one friend more often now since he moved back to our town (I’ll call him “R”). My friends seem to think R flirts with me when we all hang out but I can’t tell if it’s flirting or not. For starters, whenever I go to the bar he bartends at, he only charges me for 1 drink no matter how many I have. He also almost always makes me do shots with him. He has driven me back to my boyfriends and my apartment multiple times cause he didn’t want me to walk home drunk or didn’t trust my own friend to drive me back. The one time my friend and I walked home, the next time I saw R he gave me a huge lecture on why that wasn’t safe and he could’ve just driven me. When we’re with him, he teases me a lot. He does act a little differently around me when my boyfriend isn’t around, like he’ll tease me more often or he’ll harass me about the days he’s working at the bar that I don’t go. He told me the other day he loves when I go to that bar when he’s working. Over the weekend, some friends of mine wanted to go see him at the bar (he makes really good drinks and there’s not many places we like to go). My friends ended up wanting to go back to my apartment after and they invited R. He ended up driving me back and the whole way back he was just venting to me about his problems with his girlfriend. At my apartment, we were all drinking a lot and there was a few times R would lay his head on my lap when I sat down on the couch. I also noticed when I wasn’t around him, he would sometimes seem like he was just watching me. He also kept asking me to do shots with him and when we would, he would stand very close to me. My friends and R ended up spending the night since we had all drank a lot. R then all of a sudden was very drunk and kept telling me he thought my one friend was cute. He wanted to sleep next to her and I basically wouldn’t let him 1. Because he has a girlfriend of his own and 2. Because my friend didn’t feel comfortable with that so she asked me to sleep next to her on the couch so he wouldn’t. We all fell asleep on my couch (my boyfriend was asleep in bed the whole time) and my friends fell asleep first. R kept putting his head close to me and he got so close at one point I thought he was gonna kiss me. He just kept drunkenly looking at me and saying “stop it” to me but whenever I asked stop what he wouldn’t tell me. He ended up falling asleep and leaving the next morning around 9am. Does he seem like he’s flirting with me? Or are my friends over reacting? I can’t really tell what it is or if it’s something I should be making my boyfriend aware of.
  9. Hi all I had figured my codependency thread was becoming a bit more like a journal. More information can be found in my first thread where a number of issues began. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548598 The past three years since my Dad passed away have been hard, not helped by the codependency of the relationship I went through shortly at the end of 2017 (see above). Dwelling on her for so long has not been healthy, and it's only thanks to this site and my counsellor that I think I can say, I'm finally moving on. After putting four stone on last year, I'm now finally losing it again....down a stone and half as of this morning. I've been big most of my life and I've lacked confidence/self loathed terribly. I've been infatuated with many a girl through my teens, but all I ever did was tell my friends, they would tell her friends.....and I'd never talk to them. My first proper relationship was when I was 19 with a girl I met on a music course (I play viola). In fairness she wasn't a nice person, and tried to change me....and in truth I wasn't that in to her. I liked girls at music college, but they came to nothing as I'd never talked to them. I moved back home with my late dad and the weight ballooned over the years. With my Dad around I had the companion and best friend I wanted, and the thought of ever being romantically involved with anyone, essentially disappeared. This changed when he died in August 2017 after two years with a lung condition. A month later I decided to start online dating......and the rest is history as I embarked an unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn't right for me, but by being codependent....I got my fingers burnt (I refer you to the thread linked at the top). So here we are 3 years on.......and I'm rebuilding myself. No more hiding away..... I'm 35 and time is going to pass me by if I continue to live this sheltered life. I've become somewhat isolated and cut myself off over the past few years. I'm losing weight, and working on my confidence and becoming the guy I always wanted to be. If you'd like to join me on my journey, you'd be more than welcome.
  10. My ex and I had been together for 10 months now. Early, he used to spend time with me, we used to talk often, laugh, have fun. He made me his world. After 4 months or so he started getting distant and stopped spending time with me. When I confronted him, he said that he thought I was using him and that his sister said I was using my past as a way to gain sympathy and love ( I had been through an abusive relationship a couple of years ago) He added he didn't fall for all that but due to cultural and religious differences he thought this was the best excuse to push me away. Drama happened we cried, talked things out and every thing went back to normal for a while. Again he started pulling back, being indifferent, preferring his friends over me. I had no idea why. But he said he was depressed and that I wasn't being supportive by complaining all the time that he wasn't as talkative and loving as before. I often felt hurt and started to get insecure about our relationship and I would get emotional over little things. He explicitly stated that his female friends held precedence over me especially one friend who he says he like a sister because he knows them longer than me. I felt upset and said that I was not his priority. He got all defensive that he didn't mean it like that. "Just because I prefer pizza over pancakes. Doesn't mean I hate pancakes." His blame shifted to me, that I am the reason he was getting indifferent because I wouldn't stop creating drama. His opinion was that I was making a mountain of a mole hill over petty issues. I don't think cancelling our date three times..or not being there for me when I have a bad day was too trivial. However considering that he was feeling overwhelmed and hurt by all the pressure I was seemingly putting on him. I promised I will try to change that. Later he asked for a break, but insisted he wanted to keep talking and hanging out with me. It was really strange that he was more at ease when on a break than otherwise. He stated that my expectations were high in this relationship and he can't keep up with them so he needs space to figure it out. He felt he was becoming numb. But we will be going on date on my birthday and that I was important to him. He still cares for me. My birthday came, he texted me a happy birthday. I asked if he would call. He simply said..no because I will get the wrong idea. I got a bit upset. I asked if the date was still on and he says "Its unlikely that will happen". I panicked and asked I wanted to talk what was going on. But he kept ignoring me the entire evening and went off to play video games. I got furious, I had held resentment from the past few months and I left a voicemail crying that I am tired of his indifference and lack of empathy. I felt unimportant and didn't hold much value in his life. And he doesn't message or talk to me again". At night he responds saying that I am only hurting myself in all this and making him responsible for hurting me. He broke up with me. After a few days we talked over the phone. He said he didn't know whether he wanted me in his life anymore. I created too much drama. I should have accepted the fact that he remembered my birthday and texted me. About the date, he said he "became " and forgot about it completely and that he was sorry, he doesn't us spending good time together. "You are not good enough"...that's what he exactly said. He was in fact paranoid and scared of meeting me. We decided to give each other space for a couple of weeks. His friend told how he had taken off a week from work since he was so upset. Later when I talked with my ex again, he stated he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I proposed maybe we should talk things through and spend some time together and see how it goes. He repeated the same thing that he was sorry but he thinks he will never have feelings for me again. Then he said he wasn't good enough for me. Some things in the past turned him off. His reasons were that it was both his and my fault for him losing his feelings. He sarcastically added that I could have a second shot at the relationship if I could reverse time. He wants to be friends though. I told I had still feelings and can't be friends right now. And have gone NC since then. I just don't understand what did I do wrong? All I ever asked was to be treated with love and respect and suddenly that is "high expectations". I wanted us back together and work things out. But I guess I hurt him too much and he doesn't love me anymore. How can he just lose feelings, in a couple of weeks and say he can never have them again? I feel guilty and sad. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. Any advice on this situation?
  11. Okay so a little bit of background…. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year – let’s call him ‘Brian’. We clicked straight away and we have just exchanged contracts to buy a house together. We get on so so well, he makes me laugh constantly and I trust him with my life. He’s helped me through some really difficult times and is always there for me. He’s my best friend. There’s just one issue that keeps being brought up and really causes tension between us... the way we first met. I had a one night stand with his friend, in what I found out afterwards was Brian’s house. I was really drunk, immature and going through a hard time - I’ve never had a one night stand before or since. In my right mind, I’d have never even looked twice at his friend. I think back and wish I hadn’t gone out that night/ hadn’t drunk as much/ had thought more about what I was doing. I met Brian later that night – we really really got on and I found him so sweet and endearing. About a week later, Brian started to pursue me… he got my number off one of my friends and started texting/ direct messaging me on twitter. At first I ignored his messages. A few weeks later he then started snapchatting me, to which I started to reply. We instantly clicked. I’ve never spoke to a more charming and funny person. The next day he invited me on a date, to which I accepted. We hit it off from the get go, we had so much in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. We been basically inseparable since. At first how we met didn’t seem like an issue…. However, as the relationship began to progress, it started being brought up… especially when Brian gets drunk/ anything about my past comes up. We can go months without speaking about it, and then all of a sudden it will come up, in a (usually entirely unrelated) argument. He tells me he thinks the relationship is tainted by how we met, and that if it wasn’t for that it would be a fairy tale relationship. He feels like he’s drifted away from that group of friends as a consequence. He thinks it’s a very ty thing for me to have done (although I think this is just the jealousy speaking as he has had numerous one night stands himself going through University). He says its embarrassing when people ask how we met and if we were to have kids, he wonders what we will tell them. I carry so much guilt with me for that night that I can’t seem to shake off. Knowing that something I have done has caused him this much hurt really upsets me, especially how I can’t do anything about it. I feel the guilt like I imagine people who have cheated on their partner feel, except I didn’t know my partner I’m writing this for advice as a few days ago we very nearly broke up. Brian had spent a night out with his friends. Being around the friend seems to remind him of what happened, and so in both of our drunken states, we had a blazing row. He said he can’t get over it and he thinks about it all the time. That he feels like he’s going to continue to really hurt if we stay together… but he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. The next day, he seemed really cold and said he needed to have a think about the situation, but he didn’t want to break up with me. He said he realizes that I haven’t actually done anything wrong as we didn’t know each other at the time, but he can’t help that it affects him. I don’t know what to do…. I feel like I’m waiting for him to turn around one day and say it’s too much and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it as every time it’s brought up it turns into a huge argument. I think because I’m the one that has done it, he thinks more about his own feelings and not mine, as he sees me as being at fault. He doesn’t seem to realize how badly it affects me. I worry about it all the time and get intense anxiety. It’s difficult as 99.9% of our relationship is perfect – he treats me like a princess and makes me feel so loved. He spends a lot of time with me and I have been fully welcomed by him and his family, but I can tell he’s hurting and I don’t know how to help him. When we talk about it he reads into everything I say and I find that everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong and seems to upset him more. We both want to move past the issue, and don’t want to break up. How can I help him come to terms with what has happened, and to help him realize it doesn’t have any effect on our relationship? And how do I stop feeling the intense guilt that I feel over hurting my boyfriend before I’d ever even met him, and stop the past from ruining our future? I’m really struggling
  12. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  13. Ok...I need some help. I had sex with my best friend's brother last night. She is really upset with me and I am not sure why. He had been coming on to me all night and when I said something to her about it...she pretty much gave me the green light to go ahead. I wonder if I took what she said wrong...I don't want to go into the whole long drawn out story, but I may have to...lol Anyway, is there some unwritten rule about best friend's sleeping with brothers that I dont know about???
  14. I had sex with my male friend we were fwb for awhile then he got a gf now he is my bestfriend but later I added his brother as a facebook friend and I don't know how it happened we started sexting then we slept together that same night while my friend his brother was in the next room sleeping I don't feel guilty but should I? My friend said he would never sleep with me but he was more than happy too so was it a bad thing to do?
  15. Omg the same thing happened to me everything you said he blocked me and said he was done with me and all his friends told me as well then when he thought I had a new boyfriend he came back and said I’m a cheater and tell his grandma he was right about me then he apologized to me and he knew I was willing to do anything to be with him because I was so in love with him and he got my hopes up saying were together again and that he can’t break the promise just to see something then we fell asleep on the phone and he blocked me the next day and I was texting and calling from different number and he changed his number on me but his brother and friends didn’t really like me so I guess that had something to do with his and he was telling me I can’t do any thing sexual with anyone I have to wait for him even tho he literally blocked me and I don’t know I’m so confused hurt and damaged.
  16. I know that everyone is different and what may be forgivable to one may not be forgivable to the another, But I am curious what things do you think are forgivable (whether that forgiveness comes right away or takes time) or is just so bad that no time can mend the wound, I recently lost a friend, I lost her for basically two reasons I overdid it and sent two many messages and texts and she blocked me, That may or may not be unforgivable, What I do think is unforgivable however is what I did AFTER that I was desperate to move on but I just had to make sure she at least saw a letter I wrote so I opened up an old facebook I closed and posted it on her wall (I said nothing bad but that does not matter) and she and I no longer speak to me. I did walk up to her after 3 weeks of no talking and told her that I am sorry (Nothing else I was afraid I would take away from the apology and I said I know you never want to speak to me again and I will leave you alone.(The next day something weird happened because she smiled at me and I awkwardly smiled back but said nothing and I am going to keep my promise and leave her alone; BUT MY STORY WHICH I POSTED ELSEWHERE IS DONE I used what happened to me (Well more to the point what I did wrong) as an example of things that are forgivable and not forgivable. So What DO YOU think is forgivable and what is not? Have a great day
  17. Im soo confused, i dont know what to think or do. He was a friend of mine for 8 years although i didnt know him that well, hes been married 13 years and has 2 kids, im married also with kids. One night we were out and he kissed me, things moved fast, i knew his wife hit him and also cheated on him with her ex.. we talked alot, we fell in love, this carried on a year, but the year was hard even though he said he loves me i felt i always come last, obviously i understand he has a family but certain things and times my feelings didnt matter, we decided we would leave to be together, i saved up as his wife delt with their money. He then told me he wanted to stay with his wife and kids a bit longer and he wanted to buy a house with his wife so he could leave the kids in a permanent home. I wasnt happy but i understood his kids come first.. Weeks passed he then told me he couldnt leave yet. after alot of heartache i let him go.. We didnt speak for 11 months then all of a sudden i got a message. I wanted to tell him to get lost but i knew my feelings were still so strong. I still loved him, he had bought his house and things were settled for him, i thought maybe he had come back for me and he was gonna leave, he also admitted that 8 weeks after we ended he was seeing someone else, he said he was seeing her to get me out of his head, He says hes going to leave the end of this year 21 and wants to be with me, but do i wait.. he only messages me once a week because if we message alot it gets to much, its been 10 months since we started talking again, yet again his wife comes first no matter what, i dont expect him to drop anything for me but i expect a little in return. We once had a bit of an argument, i was so upset to which he knew i was but told me i had to wait 3 days until we could talk again because both him and his wife were off work together, i felt so angry and selfish, i know its hard for him to talk but wasnt i worth the risk, even if it was just a little message to make me feel better. Im at the end of my teather
  18. Hi. This is a slightly unusual post in that I'm not asking for advice on a particular dating situation but more on my general mindset. In more than one dating situation in the last couple of years, I've begun dating a woman (I'm male, straight, 35 by the way), I've become attached before she's then displayed really unpleasant behaviour (i.e. obvious dealbreakers). But I really struggle to emotionally let go. I struggle to let the reality of her behaviour and actions take precedence over the emotional connection I've built up, and even after they've behaved in such a way, I still yearn for them and want nothing more than for their face to pop up on my phone saying I've got a message from them. Let me give a couple of examples: Girl 1 (who I dated for about 5 months, late 2017 having met on Tinder) On Date 4, she mentioned in chatting that she had a date with someone else the following day. This leads to a conversation in which we both agree to stop using Tinder. The following week, I see she's still on it and has updated her photos. Blows very hot and cold throughout the time we date, at times totally love bombing me, at others not replying to messages for over a day. After about 2 months, I see 'arrange date with Ant' on a to do list on her laptop. She brushes it off as 'Ant's the guy who's doing my van conversion, it's just a date for him to do the work'. After 4 months, I see Tinder on her phone again (we'd both deleted it a couple of months earlier). She brushes it off with 'I just put it back on my phone to show my friend how it all works' Eventually, after numerous cancellations on her part, I summoned up the strength to end things. But because of my huge emotional attachment to her, I continued to contact her for months after and after about 3 months, almost begged for her to give it another try. Girl 2 (who I dated for only 1 and a half months very recently, having met through Meetup) After a month and a half of dating (with no relationship talk), she drunkenly kisses a guy who I'd thought of as one of my closest friends. She messages me the following morning to confess. In the ensuing argument (which takes place first on the phone and then by text), she says some truly horrible despicable things to me (that I won't repeat on here). We stop seeing each other and I don't see her again for 6 weeks until yesterday when we're both at the same social event as part of the same social group. We get talking again a bit as part of the group and I buy her a drink when buying a round for several people. She admits 'I don't deserve this from you. I've been a tw*t'. 10 minutes later, she vanishes, no bye to anyone. I drop her an 'everything ok?' message, and get back 'ah sorry, had to go meet a friend'. Again, inspite of her earlier behaviour and her rudeness yesterday in disappearing without a goodbye, I still yearn for contact from her. So as I said, I struggle emotionally to let go anyone I get attached to regardless of how badly they treat me. The daft thing is that if anybody else on here posted the above stories, I'd say without a second thought “get rid. Go and find someone who deserves you”. Can anybody relate? Any advice on how I can stop my heart from ruling my head in these situations?
  19. Hi! I have the exact same thing happening, except my friend used to say all the time that he fancied her, even telling me he’s a dead end when I fancied him because she knew he liked her. We have been together for 6 months now too and I can’t help but feel like he still hasn’t found closure. Both of us skate so we saw her a lot and he would play around with her and not me. Again I know he loves me more than life and I do him but I get upset too, I don’t really know what to do either
  20. I need help. I have a strange, deep, nonsexual connection to a friend I recently met. I’m trying to stop these feelings, but it’s so hard because I love him. It's such a weird, unexplainable feeling I have for him I know that sounds gay, but I’m not gay. It’s making me so confused. Here’s my story: About a year ago I moved into a new condo and met a guy who I instantly knew was just like me. We are both married with kids. We are loud and funny, enjoy the same type of inappropriate humor, and we think the same type of way. When I first met him, we didn’t connect, but I knew we would. After a few months of the casual “hello”, we met up for lunch, but I had no idea that my life was about to change. Eventually we found ourselves hanging out ALL of the time, texting each other all day, meeting up several nights out of the week to drink, and workout. We went to basketball games, concerts, and bars together, and occasionally met up for lunch. I met his close friends and he’s met mines. When we see each other, we would get so excited and hug each other. We have so many similarities that it’s crazy. Sometimes it feels like he’s much more than just a friend. It’s like he’s my other half. People might think we have a homosexual relationship, I know his wife did at one point, but it was nothing like that at all. I never had a sexual thought about him. It was just a pure, instant bizarre connection that developed. To say the least, I’m in love with that guy. It’s weird, confusing and driving me crazy. The feelings I have for him are strange, and I’m trying to process it but I just don’t know how. We were becoming inseparable. He told me before that if I moved he would cry. And he told me several times that he loved me. When we were hanging out with other people, he even told them that he loved me. It’s like saying I love you is becoming normal for us and hugging is becoming normal. NEVER have I done this with a friend or even my brother. I can tell that his wife doesn’t approve of how close we are. One time, in a moment of comfort, he told his young daughter to start calling me Uncle. I mentioned it in front of his wife. She had the biggest look of disgust and I could tell she did not approve of it. She doesn’t get or like the closeness we have. She even said that the way he talks to me is strange; apparently he doesn’t talk to his other friends in the same manner. However, it doesn’t bother my wife at all. She knows him and I are close, but she is more secure than his wife. But she tells me all the time that when she’s outside, she sees him looking down at our house looking for me. I know he does that because I do the same exact thing. My life changed when I fell in love with him and I’m scared and confused. Having this close relationship with him is a blessing and a curse. A blessing to have experienced another form of love that I know is so rare and intense, yet a curse because it makes me vulnerable and confused, so I want it to end. I search online how to fall out of love with someone. lol. I also search how to stop having an emotional attachment with someone. I want to just be his normal friend and not have this bizarre connection. Let me explain further: I find myself missing him when he’s not around, thinking about him ALL of the time, getting jealous when he’s hanging with other friends. This is not normal behavior. I just want to be his friend, but it feels like he’s something more that I can’t explain. I want to be okay when he hangs with other people. He tells me that he doesn’t want to go hang out with his other friends if I don’t go. And he’s known his other friends a couple years before he met me. I want us to be okay with being separated for a long period of time. When I’m away on business trips or family vacations, he text me telling me how much he misses me. I want to text him telling him I miss him when he’s away, but I always decide not to, I don’t want our connection to intensify so I keep it to myself. But when we get back we both light up because we missed each other so much. I can’t help but to feel that way. I just control these feelings. So, I do my best to stay away, but he keeps coming around me, and I to him because we are just drawn to each other. It feels comforting being around him and it’s really hard for me to fight it. I don’t understand why my bond with him so intense and deep, much more deep than with my siblings. I don’t want it to be that way. I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him, I’m better able to suppress my feelings. I go hang out and workout with different buddies. It makes him jealous but I have to do it because it helps me get over whatever thing I have for this guy. But when we meet up and hang out, it’s like the world stops, like there’s no care or worry in the world. And it only makes me love him stronger than before. He lives too close for me to cut him out completely, but if we didn’t live so close, I think I would be better able to end it. I’m tired of looking out my window wondering when he’s coming home, or thinking about him all day, or getting excited when he text me. I live so close to him, why do we even text when we are at work? Why do I want to talk to him or hear from him EVERY day? He’s making me crazy in the head, because sometimes I get jealous when we’re hanging with other people. I know I shouldn’t be and that’s part of the reason I need to end these feelings. He makes me question whether or not he’s my friend or if he acts this way to everyone else. I over analyze every situation. Like when other people are around talking, it seems like he forgets about me and talks more to the other person, but that could be my emotions playing tricks on my mind. So I’m like, okay, he’s just a friendly guy and he treats everyone the same way, so there’s nothing special between us. But then I wonder, does he text other people so much? Did he ask them to go to this game before he asked me? He’s making me CRAZY. Again, I’m not gay. We never even came close to having sex, nor will we EVER do that, and that’s part of the confusion. It would be easier to comprehend if I were sexually attracted to him, but I’m just not. I read online that there is a rare type of friendship that can be very intense and filled with deep love, but can anyone give advice on how to handle it? I could REALLY use some help!
  21. Hi everyone, I have a situation that I really need some advice with. So there is this girl whom I met after she introduced herself to me at school. I talked with her briefly and she dropped out and lost all contact with her until about a month ago. We became good friends incredibly quick, went out to a bar the first time we hung out and wound up stayin up till 6am. We have so much in common and generally was the first time I had ever felt so comfertable with a girl after just meeting them. From that night on we have been talking, texting or hanging out every single day since. She let on right away that she had some "unfinished business" and had been dating on and off again with a guy for a year or 2. Which didnt bother me at first, but over the past couple weeks I've been developing feelings for her. We've gone out quite a few times since and we've both been very flirty with each other. However as of late her guy and her have seemed to gotten back together. Even though she has told me this she still keeps in constant contact with me, and I do truly enjoy talking and seeing her. We've hung out numerous times since but she won't actually admit that she is back in a relationship, and everytime the guy is brought up it is never anything positive yet she says she loves him. I played cool for awhile but eventually she said she knew I liked her, but that she already has someone else, yet she calls me everyday after she gets out of work, we stay out late togther when we hang out and shes invited me back to her place on more than one occasion though nothing happened besides laying down with each other. From someone who maybe has been in this before, is this girl attracted to me? I told her my feelings for her the other night, she didn't respond back but the next day she called me and we went out later in the evening, we've casually talked about it but it seems as if she is still expressing interest in me, she remembers things that are goin on in my life, we generally connect as if we've known each other for years. I don't know where to go from here I told her I would respect her relationship but that I do care about her and like her as more than a friend. I would have figured that she would have made an attempt to see or contact me less if she was truly commited to her guy, but I cant figure this out. Is she just that cool of a person to where it doesnt bother her, or does she actually seem like she feels the same way as I do based on her actions? I am curious if anyone has an opinion or advice to give me, I don't want to barge in on a relationship, but I do care about her and could see myself with her and becoming serious. Should I pull away alittle bit, express my feelings to her again in hopes she might tell me how she really feels? or just attempt to remain friends?
  22. Hi,new to this forum. Sry it's a long text I know. When I use to have friends (Either female or male) at the first stages, we are equally interested in the discussion, maybe they are more interested than me, but after a while this is just me sending messages, they won t start a conversation until I start. I text more than them and don t use strategy in my relationships but I feel they (especially females) do. I m an over thinker, I use strategic thinking all the day but never wanted to use them in relationships because I found relationships somewhere to get out of my "logic zone" and I say it to myself if I should use strategies in relationships too, so why shouldn t I continue being alone? Right now, I m in a relationship with one of my classmates which is a female(university) and she replies late, 1-2 days later and the problem is she never texts me until I do. Should I choose the split option now? And what about other friendships(Not sure if it is a "friendship" ???!!!) I m having right now which are exactly like my relationship with the one I described above? I'm 23, I have had girlfriends older than me(29-30 y.o) and they were a lot more interested in talking with me than my classmates. Well my appearance isn't that bad to cause me to be ignored, I'm also a valedictorian in my university and I'm not talking with proud about it but I felt my classmates(females) were curious about me, but again it happens everytime, I go into relationship and I rage quit the way I described above. IDK what's wrong with me or them? The energy distribution is like 95 % I give and 5 % I receive! 😕 it happens all the time. If it even matters, I don't live in the US. My question aside from seeking for help on this , is : What should I do with my relationshlts* I'm having right now. I have online friends but they won't text me until I send a message, and I feel my energy and commitment is not being reciprocated.
  23. I'm a college student, 23 years old. My last serious relationship ended when I was 19. I'm doing great overall; wonderful grades, lots of social contacts, many hobbies. Should anyone ask me if I'm happy, my answer is a definitive yes, and for the past few years I've genuinely been living my best life. The only thing one could argue that I 'lack' is a romantic relationship. As I've learnt, I can be perfectly happy without one. And when not confronted with it, it's not an issue. But recently, I've had friends enter into relationships left and right, seen many beautfiul (glorified, I know) relationships build up in films and series, and heard bunches of cheesy love songs on the radio. Yes, I'm fine without it -- but I can't deny it's started gnawing at me. In those past four years, I haven't met anyone I'm genuinely interested in. For a long time I was convinced I had developed a crush on one of my best male friends, but I still see him lots now and I've noticed that the feeling has completely disappeared. I recently reconnected with an old friend that I'm physically attracted to, but found out there's really nothing beyond that. I've started my master's studies this month, gone to meetups, even tried a local singles group, and met so many new people overall -- but there's just no one I feel interested in. See, to be completely fair, I feel pressured to find someone. Not just from outside influences, but internally, too; and I can't exactly pinpoint why. Maybe because I feel like I merely blinked and suddenly I'm 23, and the clock continues ticking. The idea that the pool grows smaller with every year I continue waiting. Or maybe because I've seen all these happy examples and I know I deep down want to have something like that. Because of course I do; I'm no exception. My day-to-day schedule is usually packed. University takes up all my weekdays, and the evenings and weekends I spend with friends. Different friends everyday, and already without trying to squeeze in extra evenings to meet new people I find myself frequently having to choose between one activity or the other. I could go out of my way to put some of them on hold just so I can attend an extra meetup, or visit that new association in town.. but fact of the matter is I really just don't want to. I meet plenty of new people already and all I do it for is to find someone I could perhaps, maybe, one day be interested in, with no success. I'd rather just continue enjoying my time as I do now. The three previous people I've been in relationships with I've all met while not searching actively. I just so happened to run into them while I was visiting my usual conventions, campings, you name it. I didn't need to search, I just found them. We clicked, and we went from there. Which makes what I'm trying to do now feel all the more pointless. Yes, there's certainly a few guys that I met who are handsome, but I just don't feel much for them otherwise. And while you could argue that's because I don't know them well enough yet, I find myself just not having the time or energy to go out of my way to chase them. I just don't want to. And again, from experience, I know it's very well possible to find someone you don't have to "create" a click with. Someone with who it's just naturally there. But every time I choose not to give chase, I feel guilty afterwards. Like I've just been lazy; like I've let an opportunity slip away, and this is exactly why I'm not finding anyone. Sorry for my rambling. I sound more frustrated with it than I really am, I promise, but it's certainly bothering me. Should I be trying harder? Should I be going with a different approach? Should I drop it? Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do with all this.
  24. Hello dear ones, Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts. Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short. I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about. My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again. All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god. I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment. How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship? Thank you in advance.
  25. This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow. When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke." I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began. It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one. After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess. It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit. Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around. As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse. My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted. I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself. When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened. Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted. I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end. Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face. The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart. I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention. When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life. At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently. During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment . I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below. Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart. Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity. I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force. I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out. October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it. I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone. Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter. I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place. She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed. During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was. Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me. Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.
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