BeStrongBeHappy

btw, telling him anything when he is drunk won't help.. he most likely won't even remember what you told him! so do it when he's sober, or in an email where you collect your thoughts, say what you're going to say, then be done with it... don't let him wheedle or make you feel guilty. he's the one behaving boorishly, not you!

i think that with someone like this, the best favor you could ever do him is to be very blunt and to the point... tell him directly that you think he has a drinking problem, and needs to get professional help. also tell him straight out that you do not appreciate being drunk dialed, and it is really putting you off, so he needs to stop doing it. you don't need to go into any other details, just straight to the point, he has a drinking problem, and you do NOT appreciate the contact with him at all, nor want it anymore. then block him from your phone, your MySpace etc. for people who are alcoholics, it usually takes some really big events to snap them out of it and make them realize their behavior is offensive and not good for themselves or other people. maybe he has to lose a few friends to get the point that he's a mess and change his life, but you continuing to sugarcoat your message will just enable him to continue in his own fantasy that acting this way is OK and other people have to tolerate it, if only he waits long enough or bothers them enough...

i don't think you should agree to a meeting unless she tells you UP FRONT what is specifically she wants to talk about... it may be just an attempt to re=establish a 'let's be friends' situation, when that would obviously just be hurtful to you, and probably not good for your healing... sometimes all the work you have done healing and getting a new life without her can be undone if she tries to reel you in again just as a friend, a warm security blanket etc. so unless you are interested in a reconciliation, or totally convinced you don't care anymore and being friends is OK with you, this coudl set you back... so if you are even considering going, ask her what she wants to talk about first, then decide whether this is good for you.... if she says, oh, i just want to be friends, and you even get a twinge of longing or disappointment from that, then don't go...

it sounds like you are envisioning 'support' as financial support, and she is envisioning 'support' as emotional connection and closeness... so you are both 'missing' each other in terms of what you seem to be valueing in the exchange of support. if you are withdrawing to protect your emotions, then that could not exactly be considered abusive, but if she sees your withdrawal as punishment or manipulation to control her, then she views it as abusive. also, if women have been abused in the past, and not received proper therapy for it, they may view any behavior they don't like as being abusive, when it is more a question of degree as to what is abusive. so this is a clear case where you both need to attend marriage counseling together, because you are miscommunicating, and keeping your own needs from the other person. since you appear to have money for this, please take this seriously and work on your marriage, which could most likely be saved, and the counseling will do both of you good and make you happier.

that's great! lots of people can become friends again after a breakup, but it is hard in the beginning and does almost always become an obsession for a while because there are so many feelings involved... but if you get some real closure and eventual awareness that the breakup with the right thing to do, and you're better as friends rather than partners, then it becomes easy to be friends if you really were good friends to begin with... but getting to that point is like kicking a bad habit, but what a relief to finally get there! best of luck, it sounds like you are well on your way!

btw, you might want to wait til a bit older, to see what you end up with in terms of hair growth... then you could have it all off at once, or maybe by then, you will be used to it and not care... tell your friend your hairiness is a sign of manliness!

it could be your adult testosterone hormones kicking in... some guys do grow a lot of hair, everywhere, and the darker longer hair could be hormone related.. one can get electrolysis, or laser treatment to permanently rid one of hair where you don't want it... electrolysis is more painful and requires several treatments, but is not too expensive, and the laser surgery isn't supposed to be as painful, but a bit more expensive... but you can check your local listings and advertisements, sometimes they run specials, even on hair removals!

i pulled a tiny (but strong) muscle that joins the hip to the thigh bone called something like the iliopsis in the groin area during a ballet class... i still remember that terrible little muscle, because it hurt like heck for a really long time and i almost couldnt walk... just make sure to get it checked in case it is hernia... those can be dangerous in the groin if untreated...

There are other over the counter antihistamines than Benadryl you can get at the drug store... in particular something like Claritin, which you take once a day and does not cause sleepiness etc. it also comes in generics, which are cheaper than the brand name Claritin.. it takes about 24 hours to kick in, and keep taking it for at least a week to give them time to be really gone, and don't miss a day between pills because of how the pill works, you need one every day to keep it active... you can also try the topical hydrocortizone cream or spray. but if they still continue after trying the cream and the Claritin, then i'd say a doctor's visit is necessary, might be another cause. btw, i have always had terrible allergies to detergants, including Tide... there is a very gentle detergent designed for babies who are allergic and irritated by a lot by soaps called Dreft (in a pink box), and also select the extra rinse cycle when you wash, and don't use fabric softeners which contain perfumes that can irritate... also, some perfumes and dyes cause allergies, so be careful not to use any perfumed lotions on your legs, and wash any new clothes you get before wearing... best of luck, i've had hives too, and know how horrendous they are!

i have a little tiny warning bell going off in the back of my head for these reasons... most of the divorced men/women i know who had really bad divorces do NOT agree to continued family counseling together, as a total family, years after a divorce. the ones that do this are usually still seeing each other, in some form or another, and seeing the counselor to keep things on an even keel... so him saying they are both 'not over the divorce' might have a different meaning than you are interpreting it... i have also known of many cases where men claim to be divorced and NOT seeing/sleeping with their ex wife, yet they continue to have a 'live out' relationship with her, still having sex with her, in essense, visiting the family home and 'dating' her while not fully reconciling... maybe they discovered they can't really live together, but are content to have these half in, half out relationships during and after the divorce... sometimes women will accept this if the man has shown a total inability to remain faithful over the long term, and they still want the man in their life, but can't live with him because they can't stand to watch him come home late all the time, or fight about it etc. and lots of times, one ex may not know how much the other is actually dating on the side... or that he dates on the side whenever he goes through a rocky period with the wife, and the wife cuts him off, then when the wife starts seeing him again, he cuts off the girlfriend (or continues to date both til the wife gets wind of it and cuts him off again)... ping ponging back and forth. i know one couple who has done this for 20 years, even including marriages to other people, but they never stopped seeing and sleeping with each other, just went a bit more 'underground' when the other person was married to someone else... they both figured out long ago they couldn't live together, but they are still enmeshed, and do sleep together and have a emotional relationship. i remember when i first met this man, i thought it odd how frequently he talked about his ex wife, or doing things with her, rather than just his son by her, but later discovered that he was indeed sleeping with her, and both she and he were keeping it from their respective spouses, and even their own son!! she has managed to stay married to one man since divorcing him, he on the other hand has had two subsequent wives, and a string of girlfriends, both between and *during* marriages, but never really gave up the first wife or an emotional and physical relationship with her, whenever the opportunity presents itself... you say he became cold after the holidays... are you SURE that he spent them alone, and not with his ex wife and family? it could explain why he was cold again after the holidays... he may not have been off alone thinking, rather hooking up with his wife again... lots of men in this situation will tell their dates they are working out 'issues' with the children, or custody, or visiting the children, when the reality is the ex wife is still a BIG part of this picture... so the bottom line may be that he does not want you as a partner or committed girlfriend, because he already has a woman filling that role, his ex wife... lots of couples who do this don't even admit they are doing it, because it is embarrassing how often they get together and break up again, so they just stop telling other people about it and just do their own thing... in answer to your question about him, where you say you are worried.. 'or worse, in a string of "relationships" that last 2-3 months and never go anywhere', yes, it sounds like he's already been doing this for years, and if he really didn't like it, he'd stop... i think if he has his ex wife in a 'primary' role in his life, he can have a string of other women for spice and never stop... especially in an academic environment, he meets lots of women, and i'm sure many might be younger former students with a crush on the teacher... and he has already admitted to you that he has no qualms about just 'disappearing' on them, actually a very cruel way to break up with someone. you are also giving him credit for not 'disappearing' on you, but he really couldn't, considering you are colleagues and work together... he had to be more civil to you and ease you out, so that you wouldn't make scenes or tell everyone he was a cad... other women, he could just dump and not look back... so it sounds like you are making lots of assumptions about his behavior starting from the idea that he is a wonderful guy and a 'wounded dove' injured by a divorce and hence needs to be healed and get therapy so he can 'love again' etc. etc. but the reality may be that he is not wounded at all, just having his cake and eating it too, and shifting from woman to woman whenever it gets to the point she might want to see him enough that his little deal with his wife might get exposed (or his ex find out about his latest girlfriend on the side)... not sure if any of this applies, but it just occurred to me when reading your story so i thought i'd share it with you....

i think your mom is obviously at the age where she is not going to change, even if she is hard to deal with... and she seems to be treating your brother as the 'prince', another dysfunctional problem, where he has shown the effect of that and grown up to be self centered and irresponsible because he was so spoiled by your mother... sometimes mothers are like this, where they pamper their sons while expecting their daughters to be Cinderella's and wait on him... so your mother is only passing this attitude towards your daughter too, that she should wait on him... anyway, since they are too old to change, i think you should instead channel your anger into working towards getting moved out of the house... since you are an adult, you should try to get in a situation to run your own household for yourself and your daugther, rather than be dependent on your mother for a place to live... sit down and make a plan for how to do this, and take advantage of any services you need to help you get back out again on your own... but if you are 'stuck' there for a while, unfortunately it is her house, and she is who she is, so you'd best try to count to 10 when she (or your brother) drive you crazy, and work towards getting out of there.

why do you need to get caught to leave? i think this means you don't have very good communication with your partner, or are more into playing games than dealing with the issues directly. it is FAR more hurtful to your partner to discover an infidelity than to be addressed directly about problems and your feelings about the marriage... it causes a huge amount of personal grief and stress for the partner to discover you are cheating... so they have to deal with not only a breakup, but a betrayal. so take the straighter, higher road and deal with your marital problems directly rather than betraying your spouse... that's just twisting the knife and a really unkind/mean thing to wish for.

I am sorry, it is always so hard to break up... please take care of your health first, especially if your doctor says you may need hospitalization... it can be very dangerous for you if you lose too much weight, so please take care of this first. He does sound like he has made up his mind right now that he was to just date for fun, and not be serious with any one person. I think if you truly can't tolerable just being more of a friend with him or a casual date, then you need to maybe chill for a while and not contact him and see if he does decide that he misses you and wants to be with you, or whether he is content dating a lot of women... He may just feel he is too young to settle down with one person right now too, especially if you were the first person he was with, he may want to experiment for a while with other people. so please try to be kind to yourself and spend time with friends and work on your own health and happiness, without keeping him as the center of your world... time to put yourself back in the center, where you belong! take care and get better!

I think one has to look at whether to do NC in the same way as someone approaches drinking... some people can manage to drink in a way that does not devastate their lives, so that the drink is a big of fun, or fortification, etc., but they can walk away any time, not think about drinking all the time, not have it impact their own lives, work, thoughts. They have the drink, are happy with one, then go about their normal business... but if a person is constantly craving drinking, can't think about much else, can't stop themselves from drinking so much it devastates them and their lives and takes over their thoughts, then that person should not drink at all because it is negatively impacting their life and health... it warps their judgment, causes them to made bad decisions, interferes with daily life, makes them unhappy, and is really an addiction. in such a case, the ONLY answer is to stop drinking entirely... so some people can do fine with the ex, and treat it like an occasional drink, not harmful, maybe fun, but the majority of people are addicted to their ex immediately after a breakup, and continuing contact just feeds the craving and can lead to obsession and misery. so if you can continue contact and still continue your own life without letting that contact take over your life in a negative way (obsessive thoughts, constant grieving etc.), then it is fine... but if the contact just feeds depression and constant longing and starts to interfere in your life in negative ways, then better to go into NC.

if you think she is flawless, that just means you didn't get to know her well enough! also, it sounds like you were still in the infatuation/physical attraction phase when you broke up, and your hormones are talking... if she was perfect, and perfect for you, you wouldn't have broken up... so hang in there, you'll meet someone else, who might look totally different, and if she's perfect for you, you'll think she just as great.

he talks about wanting to stay friends, yet he kept all his doubts and feelings from you and then dropped the bomb on you after 6 months of marriage?? really, a good or best *friend* would have told you more about his thoughts and feelings all along than he did, and a husband owed you much more than this, and to at least try to work on it in counselling for a while. so he hasn't been your best friend, just someone going off and making plans to leave you without even bothering to give you a chance or let you into his true feelings. please don't accept this 'let's be friends' thing from him... it gives him a security blanket, and an open door in case his motivation is not pure. by that i mean, when partners tend to drop this kind of bomb on you when there has not much conflict, and you are getting along fine, and they are not willing to even try to save the marriage, then he may not be telling you the *real* reason for his actions. maybe he is attracted to someone else, and wants to sneak off for a fling, or is already seeing someone else, and wants to experiment to see if he likes her better, and if not, leave the door open to come back to you... or he may just be being selfish, wanting your love and support, but not having to really give you much in return, while your heart is broken and you are hoping for a real marriage. so i suggest that you move forward with a separation, and go into no contact with him, other than discuss details of the divorce, and refuse to let him drag you into a 'friendship' that will only prolong your pain... there's everything in it for him if you hang out and stay friends, and not much in it for you, you can find better friends to you than he has been. best of luck!

if that is what you want, then when you meet with him, just ask him why he did it, then tell him you want to try again... but be prepared for him saying no, or avoiding the issue... he may also cancel the meeting at the last minute too, so please don't get your hopes to high unless you actually see him and he agrees to a reconciliaition. he really did owe you more than 2 minutes after 6 years, but it sounds like he doesn't want the confrontation and is avoiding. or else there is something he is not telling you, did he meet someone else? he may not want to have to lie to you about that, or he may not want the emotional scene if he tells you the truth... so at this point i think you have to go to the heart of the matter when you talk to him, see what he says as to why he wanted to break it off, tell him you want to try to reconcile, and see what he says... but at least you will get closure, one way or another, and that is always good since it is hard to move on when we haven't had time to talk about and adjust to the breakup.

i am sorry, this is terrible for you, but please try to recognize that fate did you a HUGE favor by you discovering this about him... he is a man who is content to live a double life, lie to his fiance, cheat, etc. the man you fell in love with, that you thought would be your life partner, is NOT the man he really is... and how totally preposterous for this woman to say she is 'praying' for 'our baby'... what planet does she come from, the planet of the insane?? this is such a totally abnormal and bizarre situation, i just can't imagine what those two (him and her) would have been expecting from you in the future if you married him... threesomes? raising 'your' babies together as siblings (your babies with him, and *her* babies with him)??? please recognize that though you are hurt now, you are grieving for a person and a marriage that would never have existed, just some twisted situation with a guy leading a double life, a liar and a cheat, and his nutty mistress... please focus on the reality of how totally weird this all is, and how you TOTALLY deserve someone who loves you and is normal and not as crazy as those two... and let her have him, she sounds totally weird, and will probably end up stalking him like a lunatic if he ever leaves her, and i'm sure he eventually will, becuase cheaters and liars repeat their patterns again and again... he deserves what he gets then...

i am sorry this is so upsetting for you... i know that you want to make it work, but you can't just pretend none of this happened... and go back to the way you were before... the thing is he seems willing to lie to get what he wants, and he frequently treats you very badly... if he says things like this: 'he said I love you and then said u wont know if Im telling the truth or not....', then he is being cruel and even telling you that he could be lying, and he has obviously lied about this woman and maybe other women, especially if he is breaking up and then getting back together... every time he treats you badly and you put up with it and take him back,he is learning there are no consequences for treating you badly, he can just do what he wants... and it sounds like he has temper tantrums like a little boy, not a middle aged man.... sometimes we will excuse really bad behavior in a partner because we come up with an excuse like 'he is afraid of being hurt...' but really, it looks more like that is not the problem, more like he just wants to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants and not really commit to you... so you can continue in this pattern, but most likely will continue getting treated this way. you seem to be able to be mad at his daughter for yelling at you, but why aren't you madder at him for cheating on you,yelling at you, and treating you badly? i think you very much don't want to see his behavior for what it is, or you would have to make the hard decision to leave him... if you are not ready to go yet, then you can try to talk to him seriously, and ask him what the chances are that he wants to be in a committed, faithful relationship with you... if he tells you he has no intentions of that, then you can just expect for him to continue the way he has been. and you run the risk of being faithful to him, while he is out looking for other women... please do some more research on men who are abusive, and think really hard about what life will be like for you if he continues behaving this way and does NOT change. he doesn't seem to want to change, and you keep running back to him no matter how badly he behaves, so he has no incentive to change.... my own recommendation would be to let the breakup take, and go into no contact with him and see if he cares enough to really come after you and make a change in himself... but if he just wanders off, or continues in the same pattern, it really sounds like your life will be miserable if you stay with him... sorry, i would like to say there is lots of hope, but there is only hope if he wants to change his behavior... if not, then you will just be mistreated forever by him...

ummm... 119 lbs. is actually at the very bottom of the healthy weight range for someone your height (120 is the bottom)... so he doesn't want you to be healthy, he wants you to be skinny and verging on underweight... he sounds like this is more about vanity than health, especially since he is seriously discussing liposuction for himself... yes, it takes out 5 or 10 lbs., but is risky with lots of potential side effects... also, when they remove fat from a man, if he regains weight, it is common for it to go to their *b*o*o*b*s, so they get 'moobs' (man b**bs), since they have lost the fat cells elsewhere to the liposuction (no i am not kidding, have him google this...) lipo is also a short term fix, because it does not teach him good eating habits or self control... if he is having such a tizzy about this now, he will be worse when the wrinkles, sags, etc. kick in, which it does for everyone that ages... so you have to decide whether you want to be with a vain man, and someone who might be having lots of plastic surgery in the future (which you will probably help pay for...) and he might get after you about it too. so i would work with him to lose the weight he wants healthily, but adjust so he has realistic expectations, for himself and you... and if he really wants to control the weight, he has to give up all that drinking... that's not healthy for him either... maybe his drinking is getting out of control, which is affecting his weight, more so even than eating...

if you need one last attempt at closure, then go ahead and email him, but tell yourself this is the LAST communication, and make sure that you put that into the email... i.e., that you have tried to set up many times to talk and he never follows through, so if he wants to then call you, otherwise you are done and won't be contacting him anymore. then do what you said you would do, go into NC... he does have your number, but the fact that he has not been using it shows he doesn't want to... he is not lost on a deserted island, he knows how to dial the phone and email, etc. etc. it is hard, but he is avoiding you for whatever reason, so give it one last shot if it makes you feel better, but make it your last shot, and don't wait too long for his response before just moving on.

If you are paying the mortgage, and she is living there, will she ever have incentive to leave? Once she is back in, she may decide she doesn't want to sell (since you are paying the mortgage), or be terrible to prospective buyers so that no one will buy it and she gets to live there rent free... If you want, only pay HALF the mortgage, since you have half ownership... if you are not married, then you have no responsbility to her if she left, and she should get used to being financially responsible for herself.

oh no! sounds like she is scratching her mad spot and itching for a fight! if she is getting a solicitor, you should get one too to protect yourself... she may be deciding possession is 9/10ths of the law and wants to be in the house to try to get it in the divorce, or be sure that you don't get it... also, if she left before, you could charge desertion in the divorce, and if she is back, that muddies the water... so best to get your own solicitor right away and get advice on how to handle her... if she moves back in, it might be very unpleasant for you if she is determined to be mean or aggressive about it.

Well, it sounds like you two were never a really tight partnership or there wouldn't be a question that he would pay the rent if he knew you were having a hard time and couldn't pay it... but you have asked him to move out 2 times, so may have puzzled him, and now that he knows you can pay the rent and have a job again, he's leaving... either there is a misunderstanding here (and you obviously need to talk more about what is going on her, if only for closure), or he had decided he wanted to leave anyway, and was waiting til you found a job so he didn't feel guilty about leaving you when you had no way to support yourself.

i think bars can be depressing immediately after a breakup because there are lots of drunk/rude people there, and not much intimacy (other than the bad one night stand kind that makes you feel hollow)... i'd go hang out at places that are more about friendship, with lots of friends so you have people to talk to band be with... and get into whatever hobbies that you like to do, walking, reading, whatever is fun for you.... the best thing in a breakup is time and distance... stay away from her and things that remind you of her, and after a while, you will not make those painful associations anymore... a great time to start a new job or hobby because that makes new memories rather than old ones...