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About Me

  1. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  2. Hello dear ones, Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts. Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short. I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about. My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again. All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god. I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment. How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship? Thank you in advance.
  3. Post your most memorable movie quotes (or dialogue) here. I'm thinking not necessarily the most well known (Life is a box of chocolates), but those which stuck with you for some reason. If you wanna say why its memorable to you, even better. To start: From "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" (major paraphrasing) Mona Stangley : And Jesus went to a wedding where he turned the water into wine Sheriff Earl Dodd: He was a great man, and he knew how to throw a party Mona: Earl, I can't believe you said that, that's sacrilegious Earl: I know, I know. But God forgives me. Mona: Ain't it funny how God can for give you, but people can't? Earl: I suppose that's because people aint very God-like I was a teenager when I saw this scene. Growing up, we were taught that our parents' word was infallible. I was starting to realize this wasn't true, and they were often unfair. Seeing this scene brought it home that people truly aren't "God-lkie"
  4. Hi, First I am not here to talk about my story (I babbled enough about that in Personal Growth) But I am interested in other people's experiences in Good byes. Not so much to someone who is dying. But rather people in our lives who are leaving forever one way or the other. If you gave one someone a special goodbye, How did it make you feel? If you recieved it How did it make you feel . For reasons I do not want to get in here. I had to say goodbye forever to someone who I will always feel was a blessing in my life. (I am repeating that part of my story for the readers of this forum) I wanted to cover every aspect I could think of because I was never going to have a chance, First, She saw my eyes watering and asked me to stop. I said I needed to continue and asked her if I could (She said okay but if she said No I would have stopped) First I gave her a blank journal because she once told me she wanted to be a writer, I wrote stuff in it to inspire her like Hi I am your journal use me for anything but I think you can write great things, I told her that I thought I was supposed to be a blessing in my life but I have learned you were the blessing in mine. I then took 3 ribbons 2 Blue One pink and I said I know this is only symbolic but I am not going to be around if and when these things happen, I said the blue and pink are for if you have a baby boy and girl someday and the other blue ribbon was for is she needed something blue if she married one day. Finally I gave her a pen that I had engraved with a bunch of letters. I told her it was an acronym prayer and that each letter was the first letter in the word, I asked her if she could guess, She told me she knew the first letters which was her initials, So then I told her the rest was May Jesus Bless You Love You and Keep You, and then we hugged and that was it, ......................Now was that too much? Maybe but on the other hand I could not let this person leave my life without letting her know in my own way How much God putting her as a blessing in my life (There was a time I had decided not to do the whole goodbye but something happened that changed my mind that I will cover in my other forum at some point) 2. It helped me to let go with the exception of a little bump I went through and got over with the help of the wonderful people on this site because I forgot something in the goodbye), I also hope it helped her in some way and if nothing else maybe give her a memory that although was sad will make her smile someday if she ever thinks back on it. As I said I am not looking for advice. But please I am in your opinions and goodbye stories
  5. I found the You Tube Channel of a friend who I no longer have contact with on any level. I worked with her, We were good friends, I was toxic our friendship ended but we still worked together I got help left her alone (Unless something work related happened which was rarely) I don't know why maybe she saw me grow as a person and she told a mutual friend that she wanted to be friends with me again. I was both happy and scared. Happy that she saw me grow as a person but scared if we became friends again I would fall back again. I told the mutual friend that I have nothing but love for this person because by God putting her in my life I felt so blessed that I grew as a person, So anyway a few months later I got a transfer and I knew I was never going to see or hear from this person ever again (unless God has other plans) I thought about saying nothing but then I though no, This person was special to me and God blessed me by putting her in my life. So I gave her a little good bye ceremony. She had told me she wanted to be writer so I gave her a blank journal and wrote some inspirational things, I told her she was a blessing in her life. I gave her three ribbons two blue one pink, I said it was symbolic since I was not going to be around The pink was if she ever had a baby girl. The blue was for a baby blue and the last blue was if she ever got married and needed something blue. The final thing I gave her a pen which I had engraved with an acronym starting with her initials and the letters MJBYLYAKY GB which I told her was acronym for MAY JESUS BLESS YOU LOVE YOU AND KEEP YOU GOD BLESS. Saying goodbye like this made it so much easier to let go and I hope it did the same for her too, I am not saying I never think of her or I never miss her or that I never reflect back on my mistakes sometimes. But I just want her to be happy in her life, Anyway for some unknown reason I looked at her You Tube channel and I noticed she changed her profile pic (She had not posted in many years so I just assumed it was doormat) So an idea came into my head to wish her a happy birthday but how do I do this on a public forum and not embarass her (One of my toxic traits was that I did not respect social media boundaries to say the least. So how do I do this,My you tube channel does not have my name but she might be able to guess it was me For example I might wright something like For all those out there who like Michael Jackson and don't want to BEAT IT (The song) I would like to wish you all a very Happy birthday and for a special friend who because God put that person in my life I grew as a person May Your Silver (she turns 25) year and every year after bring you closer to your golden dreams. The end, My meaning is for it to be an eternal birthday wish,Kind of to let her know in a way that although our season in life is over, She is not forgotten. BUT I am torn about whether this is a good idea or not. Part of me says It is a great idea and might make her birthday a little bit special. and ANOTHER part of me says Leave it alone. The way you said goodbye was more than enough Thank You all in advance for taking the time and any opinions that will help me decide one way or the other,\
  6. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  7. Never know how much you’ve missed someone until you spend the afternoon with them and half the time it’s pure elation, laughing joking like old times, the other half your heart is breaking all over again. Then the time ends she hugs you and you just bury your head in her hair trying to hang on to the scent and the way she feels if just for a second be god knows how long that’ll have to last you
  8. Hello, I thought I would post on here because I feel I can't talk to any of my friends about some of the things that have been going on and been feeling very isolated and been losing my confidence. I moved back home from university in June and in late June I received some bad news that made me feel horrendous. Living with my family has been difficult. There is a drama every other day- yesterday we had to pick up my brother from the police station because he had assaulted someone alongside other things. Every other day we are dealing with him and his constant issues. I am the youngest of 6 and feel like my personality is fading away in that house. I am too embarassed to tell freinds because I'm scared they would think what the hell? That family is crazy- they have come from well-do do stable families and hence I can't feel like I can be myself anymore with them if they hear anything that is going on at home. The other siblings-brother, sisters etc always just tell me all their problems and issues all the time and I just feel like I am here to absorb everyone's problems and I am a walking counsellor. I feel like unless I don't play that role me and them wouldn't have much to talk about at all. My mum is pretty religious and believes that god will be our saviour and tells me everything will be fine again. I feel like I am losing my identity, motivation and passion for life and feel like an empty shell inside. It's really horrible. Any advice or support would be welcome as I feel very alone right now.
  9. I swear, ever since my breakup from my ex girlfriend 2 years ago my life has completely spiraled downhill. I mean I was already in a bad spot, career wise, before I met her, but because I finally had someone come into my life who acted like they cared about me I was actually starting to make small, positive, forward progress. Yes, we were having a lot of issues, but deep down I was happy. She brought excitement into my life. She was sexy, beautiful, sexual, a warm body, someone to talk to, hang with, something worth living for. Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. But after my breakup I totally disintegrated. I fell deep into depression. Panic attacks. I quit my job and totally distance myself from family and especially my only 2 friends, mainly my best friend. I became a recluse. I was and still am an absolute shell of myself. I'm depressed. Totally depressed. I'm frightened. Hopeless. And my stupid, logical mind keeps holding me back from moving forward. I can't escape this mental anguish. Fear has totally consumed me. I'm paralyzed with fear, doubt, laziness, you name it. Forward movement is non-existent. What depresses me the most is that I never got myself off the ground career wise in my youth. This is the one main thing that has me feeling the way I'm feeling right now. This lack of work towards my career/foundation was the single most devastating mistake I made in my life. Instead I focused on another dead-end career, if you can even call it that, which looking back I was doomed from the start, mainly due to my major, MAJOR insecurities stemming from childhood. I wanted to be an actor. HA! What a joke. Because of which I never redirected my life in another direction. Instead I bounced from one meaningless job, to another to another and before I know it, bam, I'm 43! Yes, thinking in the past is no good and what's important is the now. I get it. But I just can't help it. I'm obsessed with my negative past and how it led me to this moment. I feel at my age of 43 that it's over. I just don't feel the energy and spark anymore. Where did it go? Why? How!? I'm so deep in this dark hole that I can't get out. I guess that's called depression. Which is why I'm here admitting and submitting to it once and for all. I was in denial but I'm here to let it consume me. I distance myself from my best friend because I'm jealous of his life. We don't talk anymore. My best friend is successful. He started a business from scratch and now has done so well for himself. He's married, beautiful house, nice cars, eats at nice restaurants, 2 dogs, goes on vacation from what seems like every 2 or 3 months. He and his wife are so happy. I see it. I know they are. But now I've grown to despise him. Last night I was driving and cursing him. How sick am I? Cursing at his luck, how his situation worked out so well because of decisions and breaks he had his way. I'm also jealous and full of rage at everyone else who I see as "successful." Obviously it's because I'm a total failure in life. My stupid, dumb logical mind and past mistakes has totally corrupted all hopes of me to move forward in the now. Mainly because I feel incapable and lacking in discipline, courage, education, experience and that my time has past. The few opportunities I did have in the past have all but evaporated. No matter what self-help book, video, article or advice I get I always somehow manage to get myself right where I am now. I'm governed by fear. Or, that if I try to attempt the advice I quit almost immediately. Again, the "what's the point" thought brings me right back. It's like I WANT to fail. I WANT misery. I WANT suffering. The thing is I'm so insecure about my level of education, resume/work history and given my age that that's why I feel the, what's the point, thoughts. I know it's stupid and only an illusion of the mind but man, I keep thinking this over again as-if it's real. I can't stop. I'm obsessed! My once creative mind has all but evaporated. Where in the past I used to come up with creative ideas and solutions to problems, now, I'm just left with this cynical, negative, hopeless, lazy mindset. Why didn't I think to be smart and set myself up properly like a normal person does when they're young, a time when we have the most energy and creative outlook!? I didn't go to school or focus on an actual career and stick to it so that I could've been a somebody today!? Instead I'm a loser but only because I don't have the guts to actually do something about it right now!!!! I still live with my mother, have almost no savings, actually in debt, no girlfriend and I drive for Uber for Christ sakes!!! God, how embarrassing and humiliating. I absolutely hate that job with a passion. I hate most of the stupid passengers I pickup. I seriously want to drag some of them out of my car and beat the crapp out of them. Can you tell I'm angry? lol. But I also can't leave it. Without it I will have ZERO income. It's so dam pathetic. I'm embarrassed so much that I almost can't face myself to my family because of shame. I don't go out on dates because I would not want to subject the poor woman to my lifestyle. I know the importance to a woman having a man who is career oriented. I just am not because I'm lost. A drift. And I already know they'll end up breaking loose anyway. It's what has happened plenty of times in the past so again, what's the point. And the thing is, and get this, I also don't want to think positive. Every time I have thought positive like taking positive steps in a forward direction, again, I go right back to thinking "what's the point, I have no career, no work experience, so no one in their right mind would want to hire me" excuse. Just excuse after excuse after excuse. It's almost maddening. I don't know who I am anymore. Honestly. I'm a worthless human being. Worthless. I'm so depressed and worthless that me writing this actually is making me happy. I'm happy that I think of myself as worthless. It feels good. I don't know if this is the work of the devil or just me but whatever this is, it feels really good to brag about my problems. I'm attention seeking right now folks. A little, scared, pathetic child seeking refuge crying like a little baby with my thumb in my mouth. I'm selfish. It's all about me. It's no wonder opportunities and people have all but evaporated from my life. My energy and vibration level is so low now that no opportunity, positive thoughts, or luck wants anything to do with me. Thanks to the power of mind and freewill. Didn't God know when he/she/it made us that not EVERY human being is capable of self improvement. Most of us are just too weak to rebuild. I am one of those. I don't learn. I don't want to change because I believe I can't. I have asked God, no, I take it back, I've BEGGED God for help over and over and over to the point that it's nauseating. Absolutely no help whatsoever. A mute. The scariest feeling crossed my mind the other morning. My first thought when I woke up was of absolute hopelessness and meaningless to life. Like zero. Where as normally I feel comfortable swimming in my own misery this very thought was something I quickly dismissed because I knew in that split second had I further entertained that thought it was a dead-end with all but one conclusion, suicide. Folks, I don't expect advice. I'm only attention seeking right now as you can tell. A big baby. I know I left myself here with no way to win. I'm just being honest and forward with my feelings. Yes, I'm not making any sense and I'm all over the place. Yes, it opens me up to being criticized for being weak, lazy and inadvisable and I deserve it. I'm angry, full of rage actually and I want to see successful and happy people burn. I'm being honest.
  10. Hey there, this is vague but I don't think the details matter: I'm in a situation where a few family members and friends are causing me a lot of stress, and I don't trust that talking to them will be fruitful. They have taken a different view on a situation, and I am confident and happy in my position, but it challenges their religious beliefs. They think I am . And I can't get away. I can feel it's having a profound psychological effect on me... and I'm not sure what to do. Haha, I realised from what I wrote that it sounds like this is a post about coming out, but it's not. It's more about what is an appropriate way to treat people and how God plays a part in one's life. Free will etc.
  11. This is another installment in this story I posted last night. ( ) I may take it or leave it. Not sure yet. I hope starting another thread for this won't be a problem. This is just a first draft, continued. Comments are welcome. ***** "How many god damn times do I have to tell you Kimberly, brush your *beep*ing hair!" his voice was loud and biting. Why did he need to yell? She was standing right in front of him. "I did!" she snapped back, hotly. "Well you didn't brush it good enough. Brush it 150 strokes." She lifted the brush slowly and started brushing her hair on the right side. "Brush it all over, not just in one spot." "Well you want me to brush it 150 strokes don't you!? I could do my whole head in 5!" "Get up to your room and don't come down until your hair is brushed... now!" She turned sharply and ran up the stairs into her room, slamming the door behind her. Setting down on the bed she lifted the brush. 1...2...3...4 148...149...150. She walked confidently down the stairs and entered the living room, where her father sat reading the paper. "Let me see," he said standing up. A look of anger and frustration came onto his face. "You didn't even touch it! You went in your room and sat there for ten minutes! You brat! Why can't you do what you're told?" "I did! I swear to God I did!" "What's I tell you about swearing to God? We don't swear to God in this house." He snatched the brush from her hand and grabbed her by the shoulder, forcing her to turn around. For a split second she was afraid he would hit her with it. But she felt the plastic bristles, rough on her scalp. He hair wasn't tangled, at least there was that mercy. He was finished in under a minute. "Now get your ass upstairs and stay there. You lied to me." Once again in her room, she laid on her bed, crying softly. She rolled over and flipped on the radio. Loud rock music filled the room. She thought again of the man she met at Dr. Shmidt's office. She wondered how long it took him to brush his hair.
  12. I've been listening for a few days, and I'm starting to realize how badly I really suck at guitar. I'll never even come within 4000 miles of being close to the greats. I've tried lessons, but they infact, made me a lot worse at guitar. I'm not just saying this for sympathy... just listen to my crappy videos . I'm pretty much convinced that God hates my guts, and he was angry at Satan for convincing humans to create Meth labs, so I was the result of that anger. Dammit... I miss the pot... it's the only thing that made me kind of decent at guitar.
  13. Ok, I am going to say sorry in advance because I think this is going to be long...... I will start from the beginning: My boyfriend (well i guess ex now) were togeather for about a year and a half, he broke up with me yesterday. We are in a long distance relationship and spent a lot of time togeather over the holidays. In that time we told our families that we wanted to marry eachother and went and looked at rings togeather. We went as far as deciding where we wanted to get married, and alot of other details. And it was not just me, I am very scared of being hurt, so I would not go about planning those things on my own. He was very very involved, even at some points more than me. Our best friends were so excited for us, they have said how perfect we were togeather from the beginning. We have never had major issues, we were a very strong couple with a foundation in God. As christians we made commitments to eachother about the direction and priorities of our relationship. We got in a small argument a few days ago, I really dont even remember what it was about. But the next day he had lost his phone so we only talked online. I was feeling somewhat lost about the direction of our relationship at that point, really just feeling insecure about not being about to talk to him, and I had asked God for guidence. I do not like to see anything wrong in our relationship, at least not anything that we can't work through. I was just feeling uneasy, and just put it in god's hands. The next day when my ex-bf and I got a hold of eachother on the phone he sounded very strange. I knew something was going on but I could not get him to say it. Finally he told me that he did not think that he wanted to marry me anymore, that he thought he might be leaving me. I asked him where this came from and he told me that he has had this feeling in the back of his head for a while, and he was going along with the wedding stuff because he wants me to be happy. I think that this is the most hurtful thing I have ever heard. I mean just a few days earlier he told me that he had "the ring" narrowed down to two choices. I was trying to get answer's out of him for a long time (about 2 hours), I know I was being crazy--but have we not all been there at some point? And he was acting so cold and distant, this is not like him. He is a somewhat emotional person, and does not ever lie to me. So just the idea that he lied to me over the holidiays was a huge blow. I knew that there was something going on that I did not know about. Finally, after about two hours of crying and trying to get answers--and him being as detached as possible, I stopped crying and tried to calm myself down. I asked him just to lisen to what I was about to tell him, he said ok, and I said "I just want you to know that I love you, and I will let you have your space, but until I know I need to walk away I will be here for you and will love you." At this point he broke down, he cryed harder than I have ever heard him cry. This went on for about 45 minutes, and he could not even talk--or he was trying to and I could not hear any words. Eventually, I could here him say he was sorry for doing this to me, that I was too good for him and he really does not want to see me hurt. At this point I told him I forgave him (I did not think that this meant we were getting back togeather). I spent sometime whild we were on the phone, and he was crying, praying for him. I did this becuase he sound so hurt and I wanted him to have peace of mind. It hurts me to see him confused, and when I was praying for him the crying got louder, he told me it was because he was amazed that I put him in front of me at that point. At this point we got off the phone, I told him I would leave the calling to him, and he could call me and tell me good night if he wanted to. When he called me back he explained to me that his doubts about marrying me came from his fears that he would not be a good husband/father. Through all of this he had been saying that he loves me and wants to be with/marry me. He was telling me that he did not think he was going to be good enough because he did not have a relationship with god outside of our relationship. And w/out being a good christian man he could not be a good husband. Then he started referring to it as a "break" and not a break up. Which I think taking a break is a load. I dont know what to do. He says that in an ideal world I would wait for him, but he has not given me any reason to do that because of the way he treated me. And I dont feel like he is trying to fool me here. Any thoughts would be so wonderful at this point. And even if you dont have a comment, thanks for taking the time to read.
  14. well it has been since the day after christmas since we spoke and thanksgiving night since we saw eachother...i cant believe how much time has passed i feel somber today because i am so busy i havent really thought about her i miss her i hate that she just walked away we were supposed to meet last friday to talk and say our goodbyes and cancelled that thank god.......i havent heard anything since although i am getting blocked calls everyday since new years(she saw my friends new years) and i dont know what to think i guess i gave her the impression that i would get in touch with her after this past tuesdat when i got back in town to set up our meeting......but i am not there is nothing to say...its over her emails are blocked so she cant send any so she would have to call or write..... i guess after all this drama i just miss her when we were good......who know what the next few weeks will bring>
  15. The boyfriend and I had a discussion, on this yesterday...mostly he said there is not difference... only thing that changes is a piece of paper, and rings... I told him that is standing up in front of God, friends family, etc to show your commitment to another person. That its committing yourself to one another for life. That binding legally, changing of names...etc any other differences? I mean you go from being two to one whole, a team.
  16. Hey, just posting this for a bit of guidence really. At this moment in time i dont feel apart of anything, i feel like im just "there", part of the furniture like. I've just started uni but at present i cant see a future for myself. I've been told turning to God could provide me with answers but im not so sure. I've also been told about Dianetics. Any advice whatsoeva would be grateful Cheers
  17. where is the solace when thunder never dies injustice is every other meal and the ether and chloroform yield no more of numbness no more of sweet cold salvation? you who torment me i recoil when i see your dark eyes the taste on my tongue all of your socio capsules i've swallowed releasing the creatures that tear my insides and what to do but capitulate when there's nowhere to go that thunder can't follow? what sanctuary when you realize that no god would dream such a world they lied to you in Sunday school somebody should pay for that crazy charade but who when they all believed it, too? the desperate act of a dying soul hope beyond reason paper in a bottle visions of horses, flags and horns fields of dark blue with brass buttons but no one ever came and the throes are upon me now why can't i be numb? ...but "help" was all it said
  18. tomorro erases everything yesterday has gone away no more here and now no more where and when they all wonder how how could this have been never a subtle word everything just hurts and tomorro it all goes away watch the sun rise on my suicide why did i fall so far from god i just hate it all make them go away they say time will change most everything but i just erased the time no more existence of this humble breed watch the sun rise while i bleed inside cutting out my heart and watch the sun rise on my suicide and i will create the endless night -stitches i wrote this a while ago, what do you guys think?
  19. Name some songs that have gotten you out of dark places... Here are some of mine: 1. Emotionless- Good Charlotte - this song helped me find forgiveness and realization of my homelife losses 2. Praise You In The Storm - it doesn't matter what we have. That's not what makes up our life. It's our seeking ourselves and others... and God 3. Gravity of Love- Enigma - this song made me face myself and know that it's okay if there's a lot inside me... it can be beautiful 4. Deliver Me- Sarah Brightman - i felt my desire for someone else to stay beside me.... and understood that i needed to be that way for others, especially my younger cousins and friends in any way i could be. I just started to want to be real with people... and speak from the needs of my soul. 5. Memory- Sugarcult - time erases emotions, but we can't let that happen. We need to keep creating our emotional lives and never lose sight of feeling for things. Keep your heart open and eyes unclouded by bitterness 6. Blind- Lifehouse - I make many mistakes in my relationships and social life. this song made me think of how blind we are all...and how much it hurts us to be that way. 7. Touch of My Hand- Britney Spears - It's okay to be me and love it. It's okay to use it to thrive in the world... and get to my dreams. 8. I Belong To Me- Jessica Simpson - self explanatory
  20. Okay, the scenario....A new relationship, a couple in their early 40's ( a very CUTE couple too...) Very smitten with each other....in the early stages of considering marriage. I believe in hashing out everything before that step is taken..so I brought up his religiousity and my non-religiosity...namely...he is a christian and I am basically a spiritual person who believes in god, the great spirit in general..I have an open mind and will listen and learn from every religion. I do not believe that there is a chosen people who will only go to heaven. I think if you are a good person and affect the world in a positive way...you will be in a good place...(doesnt have to be "heaven" per se) I believe if you are an evil creep who hurts everyone...you will also get that coming back to you. I just do not put parameters on my beliefs....or house it with a cliquish church and think pastors or preachers are any better than anyone else. My boyfriend thinks I am damaged by my past experiences . I am afraid if I do not conform to his beliefs...we will not marry, thereforeeee ending this relationship. Am I wrong to stand by what I think and feel? I would be willing to accept his beliefs as long as he did not try to recruit or force me into his. (visa versa) His question to me was...Where would we marry? (Meaning I am sure, by a pastor or a witch doctor?) How could we solve this if it can be solved? I do love him.
  21. Hi, this is my first post here, but i've read a couple threads here and there and got great advice from them so here we go... I'm 24 and have been seeing this girl for about two months, and i must admit that even though i didnt have many girlfriends in the past (i stayed with the last one for 5 years) and that it's quite early in our relationship, everything is working out quite well... We have fun together, we've spent almost every night together for the past month and a half, we laugh a lot... It's really clicking between us, and it never felt this right with anyone else... But of course there always seems to be one thing... She believes in god and i consider myself more of an Agnostic. The fact is, i think the possibility of a god exists, but that if so, us humans are so small compared to that entity, that we will never be able to fully understand it, so why bother? But you see, that'S just my personal opinion, i don't really care if there's a god or not, but i do believe in good morals, and i want to enjoy my time on earth doing good things, and we both share those morals. I fully accept her beliefs, even though i don't share them. But it seems really important to her that her lover believes in God, and we had this talk before, but she's told me shes been living in denial about it, ignoring the fact that i dont believe and focussing more on the things we have in common (which i think is good). But i knew this was not over... Something happened that made her think about what it would be like to raise kids with a non-believing father... She just left from my place after we had a talk about it. I told her that having parents from both sides would be good, as the kids could make their own choice. But her beliefs seems to be too strong, even though she really seems to like me, she's really confused and i know that if we stay together, we're not done with this talk. aaaaargh. So complicated! I told her that she knew how i felt, that this subject wasnt has important to me than to her, that i understood and accepted her belief in God so that the choice was entirely hers... That i knew it was a lot of pressure for her to make that decision. but that if it was that important to her, that she should take the time to think about it. I think i was really mature about it. So after some crying and some hugging, she left... and now we play the waiting game... Since she started coming to my place, she was always forgetting things, and we were joking around that she did on purpose so she could have an excuse to come back. When she left i asked her if she forgot something, she said no and left. Then i noticed her sweather... So, what are you guys' opinions abouy this? Has any of you ever been in a similar situation? Thanks
  22. So religions never really been an easy thing for me. I went to church as a kid from ages 3 to 10, I liked it and the overwhelming undescribable feeling. I also went to church camp, but I thought that was sort of jesus-freakish at age 11. Anyway, I'm now 16 and can judge what is right for myself. I've been agnostic for a year now and have been believing science explains all. Well, I'm considering the Christian side of things a bit. The only thing is, I don't feel God at all. Like, for example my grandma is a strong person of faith and has felt God ever since she started going to church as a little girl. And all these Christians describe stuff like "God talks to me" and farfetched stuff like that. I never had any of that happen. I also had really bad luck when I believed, ages 11-14 were really tough I went through a lot of **** I'd rather not discuss it because I have a some essays I need to finish haha, so when I was 15 I dumped my beliefs, last year actually was a good year and I discovered a lot about myself, to be honest believing in myself rather than some being that might not even exist to guide me worked a lot better. So, for you enotaloners that follow Christ, maybe you could discuss how you discovered Christ and what worked for you. Thanks.
  23. Well ya guys Im stuck in a rut and Im clinging on to hope! Well Im a bisexual male and Im only 15 and Im proud......but now my pride is starting to wane because of one very important quistion, "Will I go to Hell for being the way I am?". Some people say that gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual, etc. people go to Hell, then there are some people who say that it's not true. I think God loves everyone and doesnt care for sexual orientation but then again with all the people and books that say that being homosexual is a sin, it leaves me confused. I read a book about sex and all that teen stuff today, its a Christian book by the way, and in it it said that its a sin and that people CHOOSE to be Gay,Lesbian,Tran,Bi, etc. Now thats were I strongly disagree because I did NOT choose to be Bi! Im not saying that God created me like this but I know "me" better than anyone else! Ever since I could remember I always was attracted to both sexes since I was 4 or 5! I mean what 5 year old boy do you know just wakes up one day and decides to become bisexual? Its appauling that people think that! Then the book said that people can change there ways and that kind of stuff. Im just so confused, what are ya's views on this?
  24. Alot of you might know my story, or at least bits and pieces of it, but my fiance is in the Army and he got in a bad car wreck and was severley hurt at the beginning of august. He came home and ended up going through multiple surguries do to negligence at the hospital he was recovering at before. Now he's back at his base and is hating it. They won't let him do anything, so he's bored out of his mind and just wants to come home. Now he's stuck with having to wait to find out if he can stay in or not. For some reason he told me it'd be his choice whether he stayed in or took a medical discharge. That dosen't really make sense to me, isn't it the Army's choice? But anywayz, he asked me what I wanted him to do... stay in or get out. I told him that I didn't want to tell him that because my answer was semi-selfish. I don't WANT to have to be away from him for 6 months to a year at a time, especially when we have children, but I knew what I was getting into when I said I'd marry him. I knew things wouldn't be easy. A part of me also thinks that maybe he got into that accident for a reason. Maybe God almost killed him, to save his life. Maybe him getting hurt will keep him from going to Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever. Maybe he was supposed to get into the army so he could get back in touch with me. If it wern't for him being in the army we would have never re-met (long story) I know not everyone believes in "fate" but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that people are put in certain places at certain times... So, is it right for me to tell him to get out? I know alot of my reasoning is selfish and I wouldn't want to keep him from doing something he really wants. He says part of his reasoning for wanting to stay in is a) he'll have stability for a family and b) he says that every guy has this little childish dream of wanting to shoot stuff and blow stuff up and in the army you get to do that... I'm just so lost... right now it looks like we'll get married in december, and then he'll have to go back to Georgia to wait it out to see if he gets discharged or not... if he dosen't I"ll move out there, if he does he'll move back here. He was told it could be until mid feburary until he finds out... which means he'd be gone for my birthday AND our first valentines day image removed I knew this would be hard, but I guess I just wasn't prepared for all of this uncertainty... no one knows anything, and I don't know why it would take that long for them to decide whether he is of any use to them or not...
  25. So, I posted a few weeks ago on here about my new job. But, now the honeymoon phase is over, and I am having a little problem. My boss gives the vaguest intructions, and then when things aren't done right I get in trouble. I spent last week making 212 catalog pages. The first set of 58 catalog pages I did when I started, she was always looking at the sheets and telling me if there was ever any problem. So now it's the second catalog, and through the whole 212 pages she only complained twice. They were minor changes and I fixed them right away. So I bust my butt to make these pages, and thw whole time I'm thinking I must be doing a good job, because she hasn't said anything. Well today she chewed me out. Nearly all the catalog pages have multiple things wrong with them, and I have to do every single one over. She was furious! And I swear to God 99% of it can be chalked up to a lack of comunication. Like for example, she wanted the stule numbers at the top of the pages. Well I put them on the bottom. They were on the bottom for the first catalog, so I figured on the bottom would be allright. If she would have just told me to put them on the top, all of this could have been avoided. There are all these other little things too. Like she wants me to move the necklines on all the shirts down. Well how the hell was I supposed to know to do that without her telling me? She also complained that the outfits don't look shapely enough. The pics are all taken on maniquins. IF she wants them more shapelt, why not find a more shapely maniqin? We use petite maniquins that look like the body of a child. She then told me that a lot of other people interviewed for my job, and that she chose me because she loved my work. But that I need to learn a lot about working under preassure if I am going to survive there. I don't see how this has to do with working under pressure. She also told me that my first catalog was excellent and that she was very impressed (good thing),,, BUt then she said she was very dissappointed with this second catalog. This is my dream job. I job hunted for nearly a year and a half before I found this job. I have gotten extremely lucky. I really don't want to screw this up... So how can I undo the damage? How can I avoid this problem in the future? I already plan on checking in with her every few pages the next time. (If there is a next time.) IS there anything I could do to really impress her? I am so upset about all of this that my stomach hurts. I just can't believe I screwed up this bad. I know it all isn't my fault, but I am being blamed. Just another thing, my boss is the president's wife. So any advice. Thanks in advance.
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