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About Me

  1. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  2. Hi, First I am not here to talk about my story (I babbled enough about that in Personal Growth) But I am interested in other people's experiences in Good byes. Not so much to someone who is dying. But rather people in our lives who are leaving forever one way or the other. If you gave one someone a special goodbye, How did it make you feel? If you recieved it How did it make you feel . For reasons I do not want to get in here. I had to say goodbye forever to someone who I will always feel was a blessing in my life. (I am repeating that part of my story for the readers of this forum) I wanted to cover every aspect I could think of because I was never going to have a chance, First, She saw my eyes watering and asked me to stop. I said I needed to continue and asked her if I could (She said okay but if she said No I would have stopped) First I gave her a blank journal because she once told me she wanted to be a writer, I wrote stuff in it to inspire her like Hi I am your journal use me for anything but I think you can write great things, I told her that I thought I was supposed to be a blessing in my life but I have learned you were the blessing in mine. I then took 3 ribbons 2 Blue One pink and I said I know this is only symbolic but I am not going to be around if and when these things happen, I said the blue and pink are for if you have a baby boy and girl someday and the other blue ribbon was for is she needed something blue if she married one day. Finally I gave her a pen that I had engraved with a bunch of letters. I told her it was an acronym prayer and that each letter was the first letter in the word, I asked her if she could guess, She told me she knew the first letters which was her initials, So then I told her the rest was May Jesus Bless You Love You and Keep You, and then we hugged and that was it, ......................Now was that too much? Maybe but on the other hand I could not let this person leave my life without letting her know in my own way How much God putting her as a blessing in my life (There was a time I had decided not to do the whole goodbye but something happened that changed my mind that I will cover in my other forum at some point) 2. It helped me to let go with the exception of a little bump I went through and got over with the help of the wonderful people on this site because I forgot something in the goodbye), I also hope it helped her in some way and if nothing else maybe give her a memory that although was sad will make her smile someday if she ever thinks back on it. As I said I am not looking for advice. But please I am in your opinions and goodbye stories
  3. I found the You Tube Channel of a friend who I no longer have contact with on any level. I worked with her, We were good friends, I was toxic our friendship ended but we still worked together I got help left her alone (Unless something work related happened which was rarely) I don't know why maybe she saw me grow as a person and she told a mutual friend that she wanted to be friends with me again. I was both happy and scared. Happy that she saw me grow as a person but scared if we became friends again I would fall back again. I told the mutual friend that I have nothing but love for this person because by God putting her in my life I felt so blessed that I grew as a person, So anyway a few months later I got a transfer and I knew I was never going to see or hear from this person ever again (unless God has other plans) I thought about saying nothing but then I though no, This person was special to me and God blessed me by putting her in my life. So I gave her a little good bye ceremony. She had told me she wanted to be writer so I gave her a blank journal and wrote some inspirational things, I told her she was a blessing in her life. I gave her three ribbons two blue one pink, I said it was symbolic since I was not going to be around The pink was if she ever had a baby girl. The blue was for a baby blue and the last blue was if she ever got married and needed something blue. The final thing I gave her a pen which I had engraved with an acronym starting with her initials and the letters MJBYLYAKY GB which I told her was acronym for MAY JESUS BLESS YOU LOVE YOU AND KEEP YOU GOD BLESS. Saying goodbye like this made it so much easier to let go and I hope it did the same for her too, I am not saying I never think of her or I never miss her or that I never reflect back on my mistakes sometimes. But I just want her to be happy in her life, Anyway for some unknown reason I looked at her You Tube channel and I noticed she changed her profile pic (She had not posted in many years so I just assumed it was doormat) So an idea came into my head to wish her a happy birthday but how do I do this on a public forum and not embarass her (One of my toxic traits was that I did not respect social media boundaries to say the least. So how do I do this,My you tube channel does not have my name but she might be able to guess it was me For example I might wright something like For all those out there who like Michael Jackson and don't want to BEAT IT (The song) I would like to wish you all a very Happy birthday and for a special friend who because God put that person in my life I grew as a person May Your Silver (she turns 25) year and every year after bring you closer to your golden dreams. The end, My meaning is for it to be an eternal birthday wish,Kind of to let her know in a way that although our season in life is over, She is not forgotten. BUT I am torn about whether this is a good idea or not. Part of me says It is a great idea and might make her birthday a little bit special. and ANOTHER part of me says Leave it alone. The way you said goodbye was more than enough Thank You all in advance for taking the time and any opinions that will help me decide one way or the other,\
  4. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  5. Never know how much you’ve missed someone until you spend the afternoon with them and half the time it’s pure elation, laughing joking like old times, the other half your heart is breaking all over again. Then the time ends she hugs you and you just bury your head in her hair trying to hang on to the scent and the way she feels if just for a second be god knows how long that’ll have to last you
  6. Hey, all, umm...I haven't really talked much about this girl...surprisingly b/c I'm like 99.9% sure she really likes me hah...but I still have a problem. Her and I hung out a few days ago, and had a pretty good time...now she was kinda sick, but not contagious...heh, but yea, I just kinda kept her company I guess you could say and watched some movies with her. Now the problem is....I'm pretty sure I can pick up on signals that maybe she'd want to kiss or something like that.....but the problem is....I've never kissed...yea....and she's much more experienced. So how do I....how can I..god I don't even know how to ask this...what's she gonna think??? It's not really my idea to care exactly what she thinks of me, but more like....how do I let her know I'm inexperienced w/o saying that I've never been kissed? Cuz I seriously dont know...what to do if it came to that....b/c I don't know if I want to say that. Thanks all...I guess what I'm asking is what do girls think about this really...or guys that have been in this position.
  7. On Tuesday, my Grandpa died. He was the smartest man I knew. Out of everyone I could have had as a hero, he was mine. He came off as a stern man, but underneath it all he was a real sweet man. He loved to hunt and fish and knew everything about everything, or I sure thought so. Today was the funeral, it didn't even look like him, they put way too much make up on him. I got 3 roses that layed on top of his...whatever you call it. I sit here crying tonight thinking about him, knowing I'll never get to see him again, I'll never get to go fishing with him again, and he'll never teach me how to water ski. But I do know, that he is in Heaven, that he isn't suffering anymore, that his life was well lived and he is in a much better place now. Then, I have a friend, who abuses her body. I think of it as abusing. Because she just has sex with pretty much whoever. Sure there are some people she wouldn't but she is 15 and has had sex with 8 or 9 guys. She gives them what they want. And she doesn't have to. She deserves better. I'm worried about her. And I sit here crying because I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I can't help her until she is willing to help herself. I told her what I thought because I got sick of sitting on the sidelines, without saying a word. Then she went out with a guy 20 minutes later. I told her she didn't have to, she could take it back. She said she already said yes and that she was lonely. Well I am too. But she went. What can I do? I know there is something better for her. God didn't put her here for her to live her life this way. She doesn't believe in God, by the way. under*
  8. I wrote this poem when i was 14 and i still like it. I think it reflects the typical teenage angst felt at this age. Anyways, its a bit wordy and over the top but i found it recently and thought i;d share. Let me know what you think: Shadows My life is a world full of shadows, Darkess from which i can not hide, Self images of nothing Because nothing is what i am My life is a cloud of horror Meandering accross space Ever growing darker A dull and lifeless shape Yet where is the light? A glow of resplendance? Full of lustre and deep brilliance For light is the message from God.. My life is full of dismal obscurity, With a silent scent of evil, A mystical shutter of gloom, Which keeps out the light My life should be a vivid magnificance A dizzy spell of luminance But the mystical shutter is locked! And my life remains unlit forever
  9. I'm actually very happy to have found this forum...I have such a large weight on my chest that I have no idea where to turn. My 5 year old son returned from school only to share with me that an older kid on the school bus was making him do "nasty" with his friend....I almost stroked out when he went on to tell me the slang words for female parts, and then demonstrated the very acts he was instructed to do of sexual & oral intercourse. (he said he didn't want to do these things, and the boy started hurting his arm and threatened to slap him, but he still didn't). I as a concerned parent contacted the principal at Parks Primary in Parks, La. and arranged a meeting ... from then on I was pressured to leave the room for the purpose of an investigation, which I refused (I had an audio recorder on me)...then the principal told me "If you don't believe in me, well then you don't believe in god" I found that to be totally insulting (I trust in god alone)...This is a public school with supposedly zero tolerance for "sexual harassment" as stated in the handbooks given and signed by all parents of the school. Well, after refusing to leave my sons side, I was asked to leave the premises of the school (I took my son with me)....My son was the victim & b/c my son did not perform the acts, the school was not concerned at all. I got so angry I went to our local TV station to do an investigation, filed a police report, and an app. w/ our attorney. I need any advice I could get on healing my child of this incident that destroyed his innocence, I'm so concerned he might act them out on other children or worse think that what happened to him was his fault. I'm so confused and the way we were treated at the school makes me so angry...I was doing the right thing...and it was treated like nothing! Please help with any advice...
  10. There`s a guyat my job,he always comes to sit or stand next to me,he rubs my back,and regularly tells me things like,"God...you are so pretty."Is he flirting with me?do you think he could be romantically interested in me?He`s married,though unhappily,and has(older) kids.we`re always locking eyes...I like him,am attracted to him,and could see myself in a relationship with him...however I don`t know how to interpret his actions,and I`m shy about making the first move...
  11. where do you go, when there's nowhere left to turn when every road you take leads back to the one you left behind when the shadows just won't go they're there all the time when the only time you quit is just to cry... You leave it all behind Yeah, you turn away In the arms of those angels You didn't believe in 'Till today Yeah, close your eyes It's time to go You tried so hard to make it But it was just too far If God's there, he'll see that I know. when there's no one left to speak to and you don't hear their words you're left in your own world and they're talking to you they keep talking to you you just can't take the laughter the confusion it's too hard to understand it's time to turn away girl it's time to go away... You leave it all behind Yeah, you turn away In the arms of those angels You didn't believe in 'Till today Yeah, close your eyes It's time to go You tried so hard to make it But it was just too far If God's there, he'll see that I know. Maybe God's there And you'll have someone to love you I do hope so. Empty
  12. After 4 months of dealing and healing, I've finally come to the acceptance stage and man does it feel better. There aren't a lot of feel good stories where people accept it's over and just move on. But life does go on. And it becomes good again. I think all of us had hoped at some point or another that we would get back together and that that was the only really good outcome but it's not. After much reflection on why I broke up with my ex and the things that happened afterwards, I realize that it simply wasn't meant to be. Trying to fight it and negotiate with reality to get back the fantasy of what I thought I had were keeping me in a state of denial, confusion and torture. I think we hold on because we're afraid. What will replace all of the pain if I let go? Does that mean that my ex will also let go? Who will make me happy again? Regardless of the outcome, letting go is necessary. Practicing it daily really helps. Especially if you're hard headed like me. It basically means relaxing and letting god take over. Because you aren't in control and god will give you something better next time. It's always happened that way in the past with me so I don't know why I fought it. And honestly, I say this from a place of relative objectivity and not spite, there is much better than what I had the last time. I was too blinded by addiction to see it. Maybe a lot of us are just addicted to a fantasy. Me, I plan to run as fast as I can out of this tunnel. It's all downhill from here and I hope to see you there. Belle
  13. This poem is about... what I think u people now about. This is paert 2 of a different peom but with close endings. Tell me what u think about it. I trayed to speak with only few words. Thanks! God can help!!! - 2 I feel alone, It's something unknown. Someone has died, I have not lied. It was someone I loved, She was my beloved. Now she is above, Not on this glove. She is dead, But I can't take her off my head. I need to go to bed, I have a day ahead. I can't stop crying, Its like I'm dying. But is not the end, Because I still have my best friend. Wanna meat him? His name is God. He gives me strength to go on. If it wasn't for him, I would have been gone. That's why I'm giving this poem to you, So you can say he helped me too. He is a God of love, Something you should know of. I have to go now, But am I gonna be ok? I'm going to pray, And live another day. You should do the same, And not be ashamed. God is great! He is no hate. -The end
  14. lying in bed at night, staring blankly at the ceiling, tossing and turning as my mind goes wondering, droplets of tears falling as the memories of you fill my mind, the image of your face and sweet smile, now i'll leave behind. goodbye now to the one i used to have -- my dear love, goodbye to your enchanting voice -- the music to my ears, despair and solitude are now my only companion, for you my love is no longer beside me -- today and tomorrow. goodbye to the mesmerizing scent of your perfume, that used to envelope me everytime you're around, goodbye to the warmth your embrace used to give, for now i have to let your arms go. oh baby, i miss you now more than ever... but i have to accept, you're not mine any longer, so God help me bury all these that i feel. and start a new life, without the one who gave meaning to my life... so what you guys think of my poem? my first time again since high school... hope you like it.
  15. Today is my last day of bachelorette-hood! My boyfriend is moving in tomorrow (well, officially, as he has been living with me the past month and has moved almost all his things, so it is more like now we are both officially paying rent at only one place!) I am so excited (as is he of course!) and nervous, but soooo happy all in one. It is the first time I have ever lived with someone and it is a very big change for me (but so far going very well) but one I am soo thrilled about. I absolutely LOVE going to bed with him every night, and waking up with him in the morning, and doing all the little things with him....it's just an amazing thing! I never imagined I would find someone this wonderful, we are amazed every day be each other and how lucky we are to have found one another - the way we make each other feel is amazing. We are both so excited about where we are, and where we are going. Here is a song that I LOVE at the moment, that speaks to me about how I feel right now...so blessed for where I am right now. "Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts I set out on a narrow way many years ago Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you I think about the years I spent just passing through I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you But you just smile and take my hand You've been there you understand It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you Now I'm just rolling home Into my lover's arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you.
  16. i hear all these people scream and im thinkin god i just want to die i ask god to please if he's there to end my pain but he hasnt i want all the pain to end no matter what it takes i mean i just dont really care what it takes and everyone is tellin me suicide is selfish but well some times you got to be selfish and well i see this as one of those times nad i mean like why keep goin i hear all these people screamin and i realize im goin to join them some day ill be able to be care free and have no problems but thats gonna be...my dying day cause there is no way any person or thing is gonna be able to help me cept for one thing this knife or those pills or that gun but for some reason ive been fightin but now the voice told me that its time for me to turn the knife on my throat instead of my arm and i feel like every one in the world hates me and as im writin this i realize ... they do
  17. Now im not saying all but i mean the mean people who usually tend to get the relationships?Like i mean the people that just take advantage of their gf's and stuff.Like the people who put down others for not havings gf's/bf's like put them down for never kissing or having sex,etc.Its like i do not know how god works its just like nothing ever makes sense in this world.Like if things have been going bad in the world cant god do something to help it or what?I mean its like some guys who have no potential with long ranged relationships with women as in years get a whole ton of em.Kind of like my best friend who gets girlfriends all the time.He has no sense of commitment AT ALL with women.Hes like afraid of any sense of commitment with women and it pisses me off.He usually just treats it like a lil inmature kid cause he is immature.Its like guys such as me and other guys who get told by women that any women who get us are luckly but iono why they say that.Maybe its because im extremely nice and hold really high morals for myself.its like we sit in the corner lol watching everything going on day by day growing wiser and wiser about things such as these.yet we never get a chance at it ever.We just sit back and watch as other people do their own failings and screw up their lives sometimes.When we our people holding good things in us that we would probably use to make a relationship great if we have a girlfriend.But yet we just have to sit back and watch everything not getting one single chance at a relationship and it just doesnt seem fair.So many people who have relationships do not treat it the right way and i so want to correct that by making one i get in great but us guys never get one single chance and i will never know why.Maybe liek everybody says.Practically all women like the "bad boy" who usually ends up treating them like crap so ya thats definitely a gj there Remember sorry bout my posts but im stupid
  18. as words fall down like blows to the soul i wither away at losing what i have held sacred my thoughts and feelings stem from percieved betrayal but i cannot walk away from that i have always loved was it me, was her that has led to this demise? was it destined for this end? i always thought we would share our lives forever and now i cannot fathom the possibility of not being with my love, my friend romantic walks by the water only to be erased by lies and broken promises soft heavenly kisses that lasted for hours just to be wiped away in a swift moment of uncontrolled bitterness the day i first gazed upon her beautiful green eyes i fell profoundly and madly in love at first sight a face so innocent and angelic that only god could create the words from her soft lips made my world so right she possessed legs of statuesque beauty that made her seem to walk without ever touching the ground a gentle swagger and demeanor that projected purity i still to this very day stand back at the beauty i found i was so envoloped with love and emotion, passion and care that it came without effort, words and actions of love flowed without thought i never would have thought that she would leave me, not for anything no matter how low i fell nor how bad i fought i took her for granted, she may have as well the same but my heart for her was pure just as my love will always be and now that she's gone i'm left with nothing but shame i know now that i will never win her back too much damage to repair, too many words that cannot be forgotten if there was truly a god, he would give me just one last chance to make amends, to apologize and to heal a heart forever broken i know she will never read these words and she will never let me tell her "i'm sorry and that i love you" i'm so sorry, jessica, and i wish i would have been better you have changed my life and given me more than i could ask i only hope you keep a part of me in your heart forever i don't think i will ever not feel the sadness of your loss nothing could ever replace my dear jessi life was not worth living until i met you and you made everything worth the wait wherever you are wherever you are going i'll love you for eternity
  19. hi, i'll be the first to admit that me and my girlfriend don't see each other like i wish we would. she's extremely busy and i feel like she does make some time for me. when something upsets her she'll call me just to talk or something. but she's known this other guy for a little over a year.... i would consider my girlfriend to be friendly but im not really sure what's going on between her and him. i KNOW they havent been out on a date or anything... but i know he's asked and she has said yes, when i have the time. i know he called her one day this summer and when the signal died she imeedately called him back. she really seems to encourage him alot (or maybe she just doesn't want him to be worried or upset). i know at one point she simply asked in an email to him "just please dont get discouraged if i dont return your call immediately and not to stress out if it were several days before you hear from me." and then she assured him she was busy. she seems somewhat willing to talk with him abotu things that i know she isnt really interested in. they dont see each other often but from what ive heard she really seems to smile when she sees him. often she'll make remakrs like "dont worry about stuff and god love you and this is what he says about worrying." he recently found out about me and basically told her they shouldnt go out with her havign a boyfriend (he didnt know) and she responded by not telling him to feel bad (sevearl times) and basically said it wont hurt if we go out for coffee or something. she hasnt said a hwoel lot about her past to him but she has some. shes pretty aware of his life too. what's going on? am i losing her? does she have interest in him?
  20. I am a Christian and have be en for almost 7 years. I have be backsliding for the last couple of years. I feel that I am too lazy to do anything about it but at the same time I know that if I don't that there will be consequences....ie) a poor relationship with God. Is anybody in the same boat and how did you get out of it? Sometimes I just want to say 0X to all the Christians who try to tell me what I am doing wrong, but I know that they are right.
  21. i posted a little while back about a girl i liked and how she flirted with my brother and such. yeah yeah ive gotten over that. shes actually kinda stopping with him...not all the way but shes getting there. anyway she talks to me quite a bit so i was atleast her friend. even that seemed like a god send. well now a few days before school she hasnt been talking much. any conversation is pretty much forced...by me. i dont want to come on strong or anything so ive layed off for a few days. any ideas whats wrong or what i should do? i know for a fact its nothing emotional. shes a tough girl anyways...any suggestions on what i should do?
  22. So much lost Little to gain But sadness and sorrow Regretfullness and pain The parting of a country The loss of family and friends The usa had to wake up No longer could they pretend We were at war Like it or not We had to fight And so we fought Now three years later The war still rages History has written A few new pages But no one will forget The trauma never the less So remember this day And to all god bless God bless all who lost loved ones,friends,anything On September 11,2001.May the spirits of those who died live on forever in the hearst and minds of the americans. ~Meagan~
  23. Quick info about me to better understand my problem. I'm a 22 year old handsome man. I live a full life. I have a small group of AWESOME friends. I am popular in my circles. I am a lot of fun, I flirt/interact with a LOT of women. Kissing/sex with a few. But there is one HUGE problem, I have never been in love. Everytime I grow close to a girl (which doesnt happen too often anymore), she exhibits something that really turns me off (ie. insecurity, stupidity, instability, negativity, insanity, odd perceptions, to name a few.) This is happening in my friendships with men and women now too. So now, basically I have only a few people who I truly enjoy hanging around now becasue I have "outgrown" the others. ITs really quite depressing. This is really starting to hit me hard because as I grow in maturity (I am very mature for my age), I am becoming more and more disillusioned because I have yet to find an available girl that I really connect with and who is on my wavelength. *note this is not due to me acting needy and hopeless when I do find one*. SO my question to you all is, HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE!!?!?!!?!? Because im starting to lose touch with my life because I feel like im missing out on something, despite all the wonderful things I already have. God, this is terrible. If you understand my position please respond with words of wisdom, I appreciate advice from people who are more mature then me and have been through my current life experiences already. And if youre going through it now too, well darn it! lets talk!!!! - P
  24. Hey all. I don't really feel like trying to form any poetry, so I guess I'll just write. Where to start...still taking my prozac. Supposed to start counseling again soon. I have to have a new one bc of some insurance screw up. I went for around a month without cutting, then I started again. I think I'm at my worst ever. I don't ever really use a knife anymore...I've been using broken cds, and once I used the pointy thing you stick in the end of a corn cob. I was cutting every day, but now my arm has been full/sore so I'm waiting... I found someone to hit me. (remember that post?) It's a guy a little older than me. He leaves bruises, which is what I'm looking for. I only see him at school and on the bus, so he can't ever get too violent. If I want more I'll have to see him outside of school. I hope I don't let it come to that, who knows what would happen before he'd stop... God, am I fu__ed up. My last attempt at normalcy failed drastically. (the boyfriend.) I made it a little over 2 weeks before breaking it off. He's really in love with me, and still treats me like his girlfriend. He's willing to wait for me until I get over my problems. For some reason, I can handle guys who just want to f*ck but this guy is pushing me over the edge. Im doing everything I can not to hurt him. I'm going to have to quit talking to him, or who knows what will happen. Why the hell do people have to care?? I am who I am, and I don't want to change. WHY? I don't get it. I'm a cutter. I'm depressed. I'm bisexual. I'm promiscuous. I'm anti-relationship. I follow no religion, and have no beliefs anymore. I don't get close or attached to people. I wear black most the time. I want to die most of the time, but won't kill myself. I like being hit. I just want to be alone. I wish I knew what I was looking for. Until then, I'll just bleed through the days, through life. Empty
  25. Where is the ride that will set me free Its way ahead of me living While I sit here with nothing to forsee Where are the moments I want to live Something too far for my grasp Something has got to effin give I stand outside screaming, "Why why why?!" Why does it happen to me Why does it make me want to just die I stand by myself in the darkness With no other clear path With those thoughts of times I'll miss Oh please tell me how shall i pay Show me whats there to live for Cause i want to catch that ride someday Shattered dreams Broken wings Fading beams Failure swings While i feel the karma god's wrath I swear its all my fault again I swear its my bad karma again And I'm just gonna have to live with it again
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