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About Me

  1. Hi everybody....So I'm currently in a very strict COVID lockdown and as I feared I started to get heavy on drinking the bottles of wine. I feel really ashamed because I was in this Zoom SMART Recovery meeting two days ago and it was a good meeting. The facilitator was nice and the people were mostly older than myself but they said some very relatable things. In SMART Recovery you set week to week goals. My goal was not to drink alcohol for one week but pretty quickly I failed it. I drank a bottle of wine last night and also drinking one now. I do get help for my drinking the last 14 years so I know at least I try. My drug and alcohol counsellor sometimes did point out that we've been working together for six years and I haven't made a large amount of progress. By that she meant I didn't actually stop drinking. Recently I tried my third anti craving medication but just like the first two it had really bad side effects. The sad part is for cravings I think it actually worked. It's interesting because in the past when I went to AA there were people there who had been sober for like 20-30 years. To me that concept just seemed so foreign. How did they do it??! It's a really bad feeling to be addicted to something and know that it's deep inside you, you know? It's part of you and you need to be fighting against it all the time. Has anyone here been addicted to anything? Or is? Is there anything that helped you?
  2. This is going to be a long post so thank you in advance for reading it. My wifes ex has always been somewhere in the shadows. They did talk, I was always afraid this would happen. I was looking at old photos to make look nice for valentine's day, i saw that around 6 years ago, she started liking her exs posts. At the time she told me the truth, she had seen him, she said she felt i was distant. I was not in my right mind as it happened while I was having a mental break down. I was hurt, i felt that at the moment i needed her the most, she went to him, but a year later she told me it was just a lie to hurt my feelings and i gladly embraced that than accepting the pain. But going through the old photos, it brought everything back, so rather than give her her valentines day card, I confronted her. At first it was denial and I don't remembers, but then it came out, one or twice perhaps 3 times, I'm not sure. I left and went for a walk, when i got back she asked if i wanted to talk in the car, she asked if i could ever forgive her, in tears, promised it would never happen again, that the last time she saw him it was to tell him it was over. I needed to talk more with her as we didn't have much time, and i was freaking out. So we dropped the kids off at grans, she didn't want to talk, just kept saying "i cant deal with this, just get a divorce, stay with your mom, ill end up in hospital" ect ect... But this is only half the story. I can't tell this story just one-sided or my wife will seem like the villain so you need to know all this below to understand. See ive had severe mental health issues my whole life, the first few years were hard, she had to cope with my mental health on a daily basis and sometimes it was too much, other times i went to my mother for comfort rather than her. People say i was the perfect father and most loving husband when we had our first child, mabey i was nice but far from perfect and it wasnt long before my mental health got in the way again. The affair happened during one very hard mental break down, and it was a huge emotional toll as i had to get put into a mental health facility. The affair happened just before it got so bad, she felt i didn't love her because i couldn't even touch her. But even after all of this, she came back with me. And as i said she told me. I went out with her for drinks, and then more and more, see turned out, i enjoyed the alcohol because it numbed the pain and my mental health was better. It got to the stage i was drunk every day and even in college, i got arrested several times and ended up homeless, when i got somewhere to live i just drank, i would busk for money for alcohol, I'd sell anything in my wife's house for the drink, i got drunk the day my second child was born, i was hanging around the wrong people, id left her all alone with two children so i could selfishly drink everything away. The drink almost took my life, I i put her through hell with my drunkenness, i was to stupid to see what i was throwing away, i regret every missed second. After stealing time and time again, coming to see her and hiding alcohol, or only playing with the kids a little then back to alcohol. I almost lost my ability to see my kids due to not being sober yet she defended me, and for years i drunk myself into oblivion. This entire time she could have left and went home, she could have met another man, but she didn't, she did talk with her ex about it, but only once. She basically had to raise the kids alone. Last year about a year from today i finally did it, i gave up the alcohol before it took everything from me. And she gave me a final chance, when everyone in my world had given up on me she gave me that last chance. This brings me to now. Yes I'm hurt she cheated, I'm hurt she spoke with him even briefly. But what breaks my heart more than anything ever could, is that i caused her so much pain, i abandoned her and my kids, i sometimes break down and cry when i think of all the pain i caused, and yet she never gave up hope id come back. See you needed to know all this because this can't be one-sided in the circumstances, and if any of you feel angry at the things i did reading this, just know i feel exactly the same. This is the conflict, she cheated once, went out with him a second time and spoke with him a third time. But she could have left me because of all i did, and yet she didn't, she was at her last straw, and I returned. At first i didn't want to deal with it, it was just "daddy's back woo he is sober" but I didn't want to think on the pain i caused them. I could only hold on so long so all of this came out in the open on valentine's day. Yes, its painful to think on her affair. But its painful to think i caused the person i loved so much, all this pain. I find it really hard to forgive myself as i should have been there, helping, taking her pain not causing it. And when the whole world turned its back on me, she was there, still waiting still loving. I really don't deserve her love, I didn't deserve her final chance, i despise my past actions, i cry when i think on the pain i caused her. Yet i was hurt by her affair, scared ill not be good enough and that it could happen again. This is why my grief is a double-sided sword. I grievee her affair, but i also grievee all the pain i caused and all the time i wasted when i should have been with my family. I'm one year sober, we want to renew our vows, get some counseling, not just for her actions but also and importantly for mine. She cried in the car, told me how much i had hurt her, and she was right. I did. So i come to all of you for advice. I don't want to cause my family any more pain, but i feel so selfish when my heart breaks due to the affair, especially after everything she has done and went through. Do you have any advice?
  3. Something I haven't written about here is that I've been an alcoholic since I was a teenager (I'm 36). Alcoholism runs in my family. My Mum's brother and Dad's father were alcoholics all their life. However I wasn't close to them at all and hardly knew them. My Dad literally never drank because he resented his father's drinking. My Mum hated her brother for his drinking and drinks very rarely and minimally. I started drinking as a teenager because I guess it's a big part of young people's culture here in Australia. Straight away I seemed to have an addiction to it (maybe genetic) and it's actually been a huge struggle to battle that addiction all my life. I feel so sad and frustrated with myself that this addiction controls me, and I so badly don't want it to. I first started seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor when I was 22. I'd had some bad drunken incidents before that but at 22 I had a very bad accident. I was really drunk and I fell face down at a train station. Apparently I was really close to the edge of the platform and nearly fell on the train tracks, but a station cleaner ran to me and pulled me back and saved my life. I smashed my face and knocked out a front tooth and knocked some other teeth so bad that I had to get four root canals. I was taken away in an ambulance and was in hospital overnight. I think after the counselling my drinking improved. When I was 24/25 though my alcoholism got so bad. I was in a two year relationship but I developed mental health issues and was in a psychiatric ward. After that my boyfriend broke up with me saying he didn't want to date someone with mental health problems. It was a very dark time in my life where I also gained 15 kg from some psychiatric medication. My drinking got so out of hand that I basically drank 1-2 bottles of wine every day for 1.5 years. I was completely addicted to drinking and the longest I could go without it was 1-2 days before the cravings got the better of me. I was drunk all the time even to the point of always going on dates and out with friends drunk. I learnt to function like that. When after six weeks I revealed to someone I was dating that I'd been drunk on every date, they were truly shocked because they had no idea! During that time I had maybe three shorter stays in a detox but I kept relapsing when I got out. I was I rehab for a month and it was a really good place. They made me go to four two hour Narcotics Anonymous meetings per week and I hated those NA meetings. I hate twelve step programmes because I'm an agnostic and I don't like all that talk about God and cult like feeling. Anyway going to all those AA and NA meetings knocked some sense into me. I'll never forget one story this man was telling where him and his wife were both alcoholics and she stuck a high heel shoe into his back when she was drunk! I'd heard some scary things in those meetings. I knew that I had no choice- I hated myself for being an alcoholic. So it was either I had to stop being one or I had to go to all those meetings, which I loathed lol Anyway I got out of rehab and didn't drink for six weeks and after that cut down on drinking a lot. For maybe two years barely drank. The past maybe six years I've been seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor at a really good free support service. My counsellor has said to me a number of times though that she doesn't think I truly want to stop drinking and I'm not making enough effort. I suppose that's true. It's like I feel so awful about myself that I drink but I feel like it's actually the alcohol controlling my life and I don't have control? I don't know how to be the one in control 😞 In COVID lockdown I think is when the drinking really spiralled out of control more. I live alone with no pets and my job was cancelled for six months. I'm an extremely social person so being alone 24/7 I was really going mad. I felt depressed and began to order bottles of wine on Uber Eats. The problem was I could literally order the wine anytime up until 10:30 p.m. I began to drink 1-2 bottles of wine at once at least a couple of times a week, sometimes more. I felt sick and my doctor thought I was developing gastritis. I considered going into rehab but the idea of not being home with no visitors at all due to COVID seemed daunting. Though I wasn't working for six months so I could have gone. Maybe I was just looking for excuses not to go. I went back to work about four months ago but those drinking habits seem to have stuck. I'm drinking basically every day now. I'm seeing this guy and I've been drunk on most of our dates, which he doesn't actually know. I don't think he's noticed but on most of our dates I'd had like a bottle of wine before I even came on the date. I feel like maybe I'm not even really into this guy that much but the alcohol made me feel like I was? Anyway last night I got high on these really strong painkillers and drank a bottle of wine and I was so buzzed. He came over and I was so drowsy and slow and making conversation was a huge effort. He woke up at 7 a.m. but I kinda wanted him to leave so I said I just wanted to keep sleeping and wasn't going to get up. So he went home. At 8 a.m. I drank more wine 😞 I know the drinking is becoming an issue again. I've permanently deleted all my food delivery accounts. I have a virtual appointment with my doctor and my counsellor tomorrow but I don't think my counsellor is happy with my progress. I hate AA but I did do a SMART Recovery meeting on Zoom once which was good. Maybe I'll start doing them again. I'd tried taking some anti drinking medications like Campral and Naltrexone but they caused depression and suicidal feelings and my doctor told me to stop them. I want to keep trying but it really just feels like I can't stop drinking. I feel so frustrated because other people just have one glass of wine with dinner and they're fine. But it's like there's something inside my brain that's not like everyone else. Has anyone here struggled with addiction of any kind? What did you do and what helped you?
  4. The abusive alcoholic Its been a while since i’ve been here but i need help. Im suffering as the guy i’ve been with for a year has been awful to me. Im embarrassed and ashamed. He is a functioning narcissistic alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge it. He says he drinks to relax. Well large bottles of straight liquor a day to me is not relaxing as one glass of wine is. He”s an angry drunk too. He refuses to spend time with me now, has poor hygiene won’t tend to his foot odor, won’t brush his teeth, spends only about 2 minutes in shower so he never really smells good, has verbally abused me, taken food out of my hand and thrown it to the floor and expected me to eat it he felt it was ok to eat it since it was still in a box. Im always to blame for everything. He said I was breaking him financially when he has never paid a bill of mine or bought me anything and we don’t Go anywhere so how is it me!?!? He said I was weak and fake when he’s the alcoholic (weak) and lied about how he wanted to do this and do that for me in the beginning only to never do anything but degrade me. He criticizes my food and praises the food of other mens wives. And honestly some of there food was bland. The gifts ive gotten him for birthday and Xmas were not worn because he said he already had clothes or he would question the item and say what made you buy that. So he was ungrateful as well. He got mad once because i never took him to meet any family other than my parents yet he’s always too drunk or smelly or working so how could i!??! I think he’s even gone to work after drinking because now he can’t operate the company machines anymore because they’ve been getting damaged. He got defensive with his boss about that and i think he’s guilty of damaging the machines. Typing this i see I have endured a lot and now its like i have to beg him for time when I really should be glad he doesn’t wanna be around but im at battle with myself and ashamed for allowing this and just wish he would see the person i am and have been to him. I want to block him without saying why i just want to be done without the feelings and tears. Who i met last year is noT who he is today so i feel like he was the fake one.
  5. We talk here and there, nothing major, a text convo or phone call every month or so. Talked to her last time off, I knew she had gone to rehab, a while back. She went to a live in rehab center down in Fl for her alcoholism, got sober on November 26,2018 and has remained so ever scince. I’m as proud of her as I can be. Just wish it would’ve happened while we were together, if so we may have had a different ending.
  6. I just trying to vent a little here. I have these constant up and downers one minute high as a frikon kite the next I have real thoughts about killing myself over the slightest little thing. I always feel so guilty afterwards as well. I just can't seem to keep myself together. No matter how much I step back and look at everything I have achieved. I know I am successful and everything but I still always feel like something is missing and it seems to be a massive part 'cause it hurts like a b*tch. Constantly going on these downs is starting to kill me. I am just about to turn 20 and am a frikon alcoholic already. At least once a week I take a big fall and really seriously think about killing myself. I think it's starting to get worse and more frequent too. I am really starting to lose it.
  7. cichlid


    So I met a guy at church...he seems cool and all. Still haven't asked him out yet. But I saw him the other day on my way back from hanging with Juan who I'll talk about in a little bit. I was walking down teh sidewalk not paying attention and I see him waving his head off with a smile. link removed Which is the guy I think likes me...good sign of course. I'm just seeing what happens with him... So back to Juan. I think he seriously likes me. I mean he seems like a nice guy and all but he drinks. It's not as bad as the last guy who was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic. This guy drinks just to have a fun time. He is rather nice and easy going. Just really fun to hang out with. He talks to me all the time online ever since I gave him my screenname. That's it though...he's just cool to hang out with. He doesn't have the same morals and I don't want to lead him on. I just am so confused by if I should even go out with him. He has hinted at possibly going out. He asks what I'm doing over the weekend. But here's the catch. I really want this other guy. The guy from church. He seems like a better guy for me and many of my friend agree. Course he doesn't know I like him yet...and I can only guess he likes me from what many people have taken as signs he likes me. Everytime I see him and talk with him I get teh feeling he really does like me. Like I thougt he was cute when I first met him...not really a crush until I noticed signs of interest. But eh...yu can read about it all in the other post. I don't know what to do. I feel I am falling for Juan and I don't want to. I know it will more than likely end badly. But he's so much fun to talk with and be with. It's like he can always make me laugh. He seems to be a nice guy. But teh other guy is a super nice guy! More serious...and he has the same morals. Good thing! I just don't know...what do you guys think of it all. I'm confused!
  8. "Stay away from booze; it's no solution to your troubles." "Drinking will only make your problem worse." These and other such words of wisdom are familiar, I'm sure, to anyone who has turned to the bottle in a time of crisis. Is it really a matter of human weakness that so many not only surrender to the siren song of alcohol, but return to hear the tune again and again? The bottle sits there, waiting to anoint me with blessed oblivion. "Come to me," she says. "Rest ye a while in me, and I will ease your burden." At heart, we all seek to be Homer's lotus eaters. Christ's blood is wine. I shake for liquor through the dreary march of my day. Duties discharged, I chase my new love, now that my old love has abandoned me--a new love easy to approach, willing in her submission. Would that all lovers were so. Though I shake, I continue to function, but I want out of my own mind. It's a garment long worn, unfashionable, not in keeping with the times. Liquor shows me the heaven of naked insentience. How I wish she would take me there, now, instead of showing me it's far-off vista. Perhaps I'm Moses, doomed to see the Promised Land but never to live in it. Every drink brings an upwelling of welcome, sacred numbness: anaesthesia for the ragged Dawn-shaped wound that still weeps and festers. I wake each morning swollen and haggard, waiting for the next lover's kiss as I bring cup to lips. Life is not for me, anymore. It has been hostile environs for some time. Those of you who are to inherit the earth, I wish you well. Burn my corpse and pour my ashes in a whiskey bottle.
  9. Four months, and then I caved. I don't know whats wrong with me. I dont want to do it, and I alwaysd leave the house with no intention of doing it, and then every once in a while it hits me like a brick and I just do it for no reasons I can comprehend. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I screwed up a lot when i was 13-15, but I really cleaned up last year. I was feeling strong for so long, with a clear head. Then I just collapse and I do it - i guess i'm weak or something. I'm not an alcoholic, I know I'm not (if I ever was i'm not anymore), but I am starting to think I'm an idiot. When will I ever learn? I don't even know what I'm babbling aboutr anymore. I feel disgusted that I did it again and even more disgusted that I posted about it cause now I'll remember it all tomorrow. I don't want to be seen as weak, or as someone who caves under pressure, but now I'm not sure that I can even see myself to begin with, so what do other people see? Basically, I'm wondering if anyone else overcame a similar problem, or if anyone thinks this is just stupid adolescent stuff that will all fade away with time. I'm hoping it is. Sorry about the disorganized pessimism.
  10. So I'm moving out on April 30th - MY Independence Day... and every minute that ticks by feels like torture to me... It's been about 4 days since I told him I was leaving. Being around him is hard. I am SO ANGRY... I'm angry that he is an alcoholic, I'm angry about everything he's done and everything he HASN'T done. I feel like I need to lash out and hurt him emotionally for all the pain he has caused me. I look at him and can only see a pathetic weak man consumed by his own personal demons - he almost makes me physically sick. A friend handed me a pamphlet today called "Alcoholism, A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial"... and all I had to do was read the first few paragraphs and I could have sworn they had written this about me. How predictable the whole cycle with an alcoholic is. How predicatable the partner's life is - when envolved with someone with this disease. As I read further, I just kept saying "Wow....wow... WOW" and my entire life for the last year was laid out right before me. I got goosebumps and almost cried... the failing of this relationship ISN'T MY FAULT. AND I'M NOT CRAZY!!! This is what life with an alcoholic is... and you know what??? I DO NOT ACCEPT THAT FOR MYSELF!!!!!!! I wish to God it was April 30th already... I hate going home, I hate having to deal with any of this for even ONE MORE MINUTE!!!!! I'M TIRED OF BEING RESENTFUL AND ANGRY AND DISAPPOINTED!!!! I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM FOR BEING SICK!!!
  11. I really need advice on this one. I began dating this man who is an absolute sweetheart: charming, funny, sweet, nuturing, the whole nine yards. My concern is his drinking. Evertime we go out it seems like he has to have a drink. Just recently, we were at my house and it was 2pm and he wanted a glass of wine! He noticed that I didn't like it and only poured himself a little more than a swallow. Later that evening we went to a play and he ordered a beer. Other examples include a dinner I made for him and my roommates. He brought the wine and downed two glasses like it was water. We went to dinner last night with his brother and his girlfriend, and he was the only one that ordered alcohol. Aside from these things, he will occasionally make jokes about people thinking he's an alcoholic because i won't order a drink when we go out. I have asked him straightout if he had issues with alcohol and he denied it, but not emphatically! He almost brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. The last time we talked about it we were in a sushi restaurant where he ordered 2 glasses of plum wine all the while talking about how good the wine was and how he just had to have more. He told me that he knew I thought he was "some kind of lush" and sensing his anger, I denied it. But he was quite defensive. My concern is doubled because his father is an alcoholic, and what if this runs in the blood? He's never been violent, I've never not felt safe around him, but I worry. Am I being paranoid or do I have reason to be concerned...please help.
  12. Hi, Basically im just hoping more then anything that someone may know osmehting about this stuff and help me out so kindly! I was involved with a guy ad he was the most sweetes caring person, but sometimes when he was mad got this look in his eye that ive never seen on anyone and was so so so scary, i gues si knew he had anger issues but hed never REALLY done anything to me to concern me of it that much. You could easily think he would never hurt a fly, but then i broke up with him and its like he pretended he understood and stayed very close with me and i believed this ot be sincere but then it wa slike he manipulated the whole relationship to get back at me for breaking it off, he drank alot but i never thought he was an alcoholic because he didnt drink ALLL the time, anyways long long story short he hit me a cpl of times when he was drunk and threatened me etc, this was when i left him and i dont see him. anyways i found out through a perosn i know who also once went out with him that he used to steal money and not pay rent and spend all on alcohol and used to beat them up and tell them how he would love to kill someone and even used to watch people on the street and fantasise abotu killing them.....this obviously has really REALLY concerned me and im now scared even for my own life, she told me hes been hospitalized before and she thinks he has alcoholic psychosis, now does anyone know nay facts on this???? does anyone knwo much on schizophrenia? can u list some symptoms for me if you do. Please let me knwo if you know stuff about alocholic psychosis, i need to know. do you think this is serious, im scared about him fantasising about killing ppl and follwing them and watching them.
  13. hello all. i have been tortured with mental health problems for about 10 years now, and i dont think that things will get better. I've managed to stay alive so far, and will likely do so for a few more years yet. Thing is i dont really see a future other than living off state benefits. I have not had a girlfriend in years, i dont have any mates i dont have any money, i dont have a future. all i have is alcohol which i really truly hate. i only drink a few times a week nowadays and dont drink much either, but i know my future will evolve suffering, alcoholism and a premature death, whether by suicide or liver failure. I do see a shrink, though she is useless and i dont have a rapport with her. I also see a community psychiatric nurse as well. for example no matter how much i beg for help, they never precribe anti-depressants, or sleeping tablets or effective anti-anxiety medication As i suffer from debilitating anxiety i rarely go out, but when i do, I turn green , puke everywhere and faint when i do. I have been told that cognitive behavioural therapy would help, but because i suffer from psychosis i have been told that i am not eligible for CBT. I also have to feed my mum becuase she is so heavily in debt. consequently im always broke and have a little money to spend on myself. i just dont get it. i really dont see why i keep going, especially when i know what my future holds. life really is a stupid thing. cheers
  14. Okay, here's my situation. I am 52, have a good job that I've been at for 16 years, a nice apartment and I just bought a new car. I met a 35 year old in December of 2001. I met him in a local bar - someplace I had never been to. I might add that it's a complete "dive". Anyway, the "spark" was instant on both parts. He was bright, articulate, good looking and fun. Unfortunately, he was also a raging alcoholic. Obviously, I met him in a bar and knew that he drank, but I truly had no idea of the extent of his problem. He is also a drug user. After one month, he moved in with me. Stupid on my part? Absolutely, especially at my age. I drink socially and yes, I've gotten trashed in my day but this guy was out of control - one time coming home and passing out in the driveway (I rent a 3 bedroom apartment), too many times to count he would call me from the bar and say he would be home in "a bit" and stroll in drunk at 3:00 a.m. He didn't have a regular job, but worked here and there. He did however give me $150 per week (I'm fine on my own financially). Anyway, he has hit me twice during an argument when he was drunk and I kicked him out about 5 months ago. He found an inexpensive apartment several miles away and we continued to see each other with him spending many nights at my apartment. His landlady passed away in June and her children sold the house. He had to move out yesterday. Now, he's saying that he doesn't want the relationship, I am not his "girlfriend", but asked me if he could stay for the week until he finds a new place. He has barely enough money to do that. I know I would be being "used" if I let him stay and one week could easily turn into a month with his usual shenanigans. I might add that we introduced his best friend to my best friend about a year ago and they are pretty heavily involved. His best friend is, in my opinion, an alcoholic as well. I know I should tell him tonight that he has to leave. I know I should end this totally. I know, but my heart gets in the way. Also, I just had foot surgery last Tuesday, called him when I got back home at the bar at about 4:00 and guess what time he showed up at my apartment? 8:30 p.m. I feel like a doormat but just can't seem to let go. Any advice???????????????
  15. I have sort of an odd question. I was on and off with this guy for the last year and a half. One of our biggest problems was drinking. He didn't start until 22 and I am an ex big partier. I have since settled down and rarely drink more than 2-3 drinks or none at all. For him, he doesn't feel he fits into society unless he does drink. So, then I became 'not fun' while he found this other guy who is borderline alcoholic and just got a DUI. The other guy takes him on all these drinking trips too. Supposedly they have more fun together so now he wants to be with him. We are all 29. So, my question is, should drinking be a big part of a relationship? Or is it to you? I know it sounds stupid, but I wonder.
  16. I've been with my fiance for almost 4 years now. Her drinking first started to become a problem with me about a year into the relationship. She blames the majority of her problems on either me or her Depression which emotionaly destroy's me and leaves me alone and consumming massive amounts of antacids. I realize I have no control over what she does or her drinking and can only sit aside and watch her destroy herself. She has attempted suicide a few times with me present. In 2 instances she has pulled a knife on herself vowing to run herself through... My reaction on both instances were of me disarming the knife from her. Nobody has gotten hurt seriously but I believe it's just a matter of time before it happens again as long as she continues drinking. If I leave her I know that she will indulge her sorrows and almost definitely attempt to kill herself again without anyone to stop her. So here I sit. I absolutley love the woman but the relationship is tearing my life to ribbons. She's extremly caustic when she's drinking and basically pummels me verbaly with my own mistakes. (Working too much, missing on household chores, etc.) WHAT DO I DO?
  17. Hi all .. i've gotten myself in quite a spot .. and need some advice. I went through a bad bout of depression over the last 7 years, pulled away from everyone, stayed home most the time and during that got involved with a guy online, who moved in, was an alcoholic, ended bad, blah, blah... it ended last September. It took me a few months to deal with that, then i wanted to get my life back ! I got back in touch with some friends i haven't talked to in a while and also called a guy i was involved with way back before the depression. We clicked back then, but i was fresh out of a relationship and wasn't ready for a serious relationship .. i ended up getting back with my ex .. so that ended. A few months later i met up with this guy again and we started seeing each other again ... great chemistry ... clicked again ... and we just lost touch (can't remember why) ... he's called a few times over the years and we talked or i was with someone so didn't call him back .. so back in February i decided to give him a call .. why not ... i've never stopped thinking about him. I left a message and he called back immediately ... we talked for a bit ... made plans to go out. He was very punctual, the night went great, we caught up, told each other how long we've thought about each other, got a little physical ... i was on cloud nine. We saw each other other 3 times .... just hanging out at my house or his watching movies, but it didn't flow as good as the first night, but still there was some kind of connection. I am rusty in dating and find i'm very nervous and anxious around him - i've been shut down for so long and really have no life and am self-conscious bout it ... he works a lot of hours, gets home pretty late and works some weekends. Now the problem is .... well there are a few that have bothered me and i'm not sure if it's just me. He smokes up .. which he did before .. knows i don't really like it .. but i figure if it doesn't change who u r .. then not a prob... he knows i ended my last relationship because of the alcoholism. One time when i was at his house .. the phone rang .. he buzzed someone up ... walked out in the hallway .. didn't even say he'd be right back .. came back in a minute or so later .. went to his room or bathroom or something, came back in living room and still didn't say "sorry about that" or nothing....i just figured it was one of the guys that works for him picking up something .. he seems to like to keep that separate from his personal life. ... weird ! After the first date ... he seemed to call later than you normally would when getting together (8-9) .. just wanted to hang out and watch movies, which of course we get physical - which i don't mind, but it's not all i want, which he knows and he supposedly feels the same. One Friday night when we have made plans to go out .. i called during day to get a jumpstart on what we were gonna do, left my work number, he called at 9:30 and left a message (I was out - made other plans cuz i didnt hear from him) apologizing he didn't think he was gonna be home so late (duh - call earlier if you are gonna work late). We played telephone tag for about 2 weeks, then finally when i get a hold of him ... we chat .. he wanted to get together (was around i was really tired, so he said next day, i had plans, he said next day .. i said sure .. chatted for a while longer, then his other phone rang and he said sorry to cut u off, i'll call you back in 1/2 hr. He never called back ... the day came we were to do something ... no call. Now i haven't talked to him in 2 months. Now i was always the one that followed up the day we were to do something, sometimes his work interfered and we couldn't hook up, or he'd call later, cuz work held him up .. but i always called him when we had plans ... so i figured this last time ... i'd leave it to him .. and this is where it's at. I took it that he changed his mind ... lost interest and couldn't bring myself to call him. Something is holding me back big time ... i don't know if i find him too secretive, the walking out of his apt thing is kinda strange, him not calling me back, when he usually does, does he feel stupid because he's done it before a few times and figures i'm pissed? Some advice please !! ... lol .. i can't get him out of my mind ...
  18. Hi all, So a couple weeks ago my ex basically just got her uni friend (a guy) to pick her up and not seen her since. She lost her licence to drink driving. It was a very toxic/coercive control relationship from her. Insulting me, what I wore, saying I have no friends, my family hate me. Would split with me briefly and one time tell me she slept with someone and how he ed her real good. That hurt so bad. She's an alcoholic but doesn't think she is, has depression and bad anxiety. Craves attention from guys. Needs so much love due to not a great childhood. Would threaten to kill herself. Always rung and text asking where I was what I was doing, who I was with etc. You get the picture. Hit me many times. 4-5 weeks ago we were coming home. She starts beating me in the head. I stopped and asked her at least 5 times to get out the car. She wouldn't. I gave her a gentle nudge and she fell to ground. In the panic/stress/worry of what had just happened I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee. Of course I felt awful. But she's made me out to be some sort of woman beater. Has threatened and blackmailed me with the police about it. And recently has reported it. I was taken to police station which was scary as never been in trouble before. This was nearly two weeks ago now. Not heard anymore. I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed I won't. And maybe cause she realises I've got plenty of stuff, with evidence on her. Does anyone have any comforting words. Life been a bit crap lately! Having therapy for this whole ordeal which is helping. Stupidly still miss her loads but apparently that's normal. Were engaged last year. Want to contact her, but I'd hazard a guess that's what she's probably wanting to happen? Thanks, Matt
  19. I've always known I had issues with things like depression and anxiety, but after turning 25 recently it hit me how dysfunctional I am in general and I'm not sure what the best steps are to take to get help. I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist mother (father wasn't there much) and she sent me away to a wilderness and boarding school program at age 16. After getting out at age 18 I didn't know how to adjust back to the real world and started smoking weed all day every day. I also started stripping as I had issues keeping other jobs and focusing in school due to my addictions. It's now been almost 7 years of stripping and I've spent the majority of my money on plastic surgery which was not a wise idea (I have severe body dysmorphia, not that its a valid excuse for my actions). Over time I've developed alcoholism myself and I have an average of 5-10 drinks almost every day, and more recently a bit of a coke addiction as well. I'm currently staying back with my mom as she recently had surgery and I've been helping her out, but now she is healed and wants me out of her house and I'm not sure what the best move is. She is aware of my situation but doesn't really seem too concerned about it (my father is mentally ill himself and though he is a loving dad, can barely help himself yet alone me). Do I go to rehab? Counseling? AA meetings? I can tell it's a matter of time before something extremely disastrous happens. I'm not trying to come off with a victim mentality as I realize I've done this to myself, I'm just genuinely unsure of what the next move is and don't feel like I have anyone to turn to and help me. I do have other family I can go stay with for awhile if need be but I still don't know the next steps to take for long-term solutions. Thanks in advance.
  20. About 6 months ago, my [now ex] girlfriend and I broke up. What precipitated it is that she destroyed my ability to trust her due to lying to me more than a dozen times and a few things that just didn't add up. One of them, for example, was that she lost custody of her son to her ex and could only visit him with her ex and his mother present. She claimed her ex got away with telling a bunch of lies in court while having been an abusive alcoholic and drug addict when they were together. I'm pretty sure that the courts wouldn't make a decision in her ex's favor based on unsubstantiated lies, especially since a mother *typically* gets preferential treatment/favorable rulings and definitely not if he had any history of abuse, alcoholism, or drug addiction. At any rate, I was wanting a break to try to figure out whether I could continue with the relationship. It might seem like a no-brainer on the surface, but I suffer from severe insomnia thanks to an unfortunate medical condition that has left me disabled so sometimes I need a little extra time to really sort things out and make sure I'm not just making an irrational, sleep deprived decision. Fate stepped in to make that decision for me in a cruel and tragic way that left me with no memory of the argument that ended it all and no closure. I was drunk and because I'm not a regular drinker, I took my prescription sleeping pills that I'm supposed to take every night purely out of habit without even thinking about how dangerous it was to do so. I had literally just laid down to pass out when my gf started blowing up my phone with texts at almost 1am and because I was so totally out of it I picked up the phone, called her, and we apparently got into a huge fight. It continued in texts for about an hour after I apparently hung up on her before I blacked out. When I woke up the next day and saw the handful of texts following the fight (which mostly consisted of me calling her a liar) I called her to explain that I was drunk and medicated and had no memory of what happened. I also apologized, told her I was embarrassed, and asked her if we could talk about it. I left it as a voicemail since she didn't pick up, but I never heard from her again, even after sending a letter at one point. Despite her shortcomings I loved her, she was my best friend, and we'd always talked about remaining friends even if things didn't work out. However, she disappeared forever and I don't even know why, what I did, or what I said. My friends all think that it was pretty s***ty of her to not even give me a conversation about what had happened, but neutral/objective people on another message board I am a member of cast me out to be the villain, accusing me of everything from verbal abuse to being an alcoholic, telling me that she made the right decision and that I didn't deserve closure. That hurt, because I poured my heart and soul into that relationship and even had her tell me I was the most caring, considerate, and loving man she'd ever met. I never mistreated her and any previous disagreements we'd had were productive conversations without harsh words or raised voices. I deleted the thread because I didn't appreciate the accusations and assumptions. Being drunk doesn't make me an alcoholic - I probably drink once every few months - and a single argument at 1am, with all that crap in my system when I was simply trying to go to sleep, doesn't make me an abusive person or an abusive boyfriend. Nevertheless, it has contributed to the emotional turmoil that I've had to endure for the past 6 months. I have no answers, no memory of whatever was said, and have been stuck with nothing but guesses. How do I forgive myself for something I have no memory of but that obviously hurt somebody I loved and cared about so deeply that she would never want to talk to me again? How do I get any kind of closure when I don't know what happened and have nothing to process? Nothing has helped me come to terms with this, including therapy, and I have made exactly zero progress in 6 months. It's just as painful for me now as it was then. I don't know how to get over it and I'm at a point where it has become a cancer that I feel I'm going to have to live with forever. I apologize for how long this ended up being, but I am stuck and don't know what to do. Any advice or feedback is welcome.
  21. I was sat watching the TV last night in my pjs and my shorts had ridden up, I looked at my thighs and noticed tiny little pink and purple veins, tiny broken veins on the surface. They are sporadically spread about, but nonetheless bothered me. My boyfriend was like "Where?!!" so its not like they stick out obviously, but when I pointed them out he was like "oh yeah.. alcoholics normally get them on their face!" So I googled em this morning, and they can be inherited or from oestrogen. I have only been on an oestrogen pill for a month! having previously taken Progesterone only pill for a year. My mum hasnt got these. Im really self conscious and upset about them!! Has anyone else got anything similar and what do you do?
  22. This is something I've just never understood... My girlfriend drinks socially at college (which I hate), and I've just never been able to comprehend the point of consuming alcohol when there are no positive effects of it. I understand that it can cause people to relax, but if someone is at college and with friends that they already know, what do they need to alcohol to relax for. My father was an alcoholic, so I've always promised myself that I would never drink, but I would like to know what the motivation is for drinking, when the intent is not to get drunk.
  23. Single forever….Yes that’s right, I will be single forever. And I will tell you why. Some guys are just naturally good at picking up women. I knew a guy like this, we always went over to his place and there were women there, it was amazing. They always exhibited confidence, class, and a lot of guts. And that was never me. From growing up with an alcoholic, while my parents were in a crappy marriage. I hated my life, and still do to some degree. I am happier than I was, but I still feel lost somehow. A lot of how I interact with women came from my father. He was an alcoholic and would emotionally and sometimes physically abuse us. The whole nightmare finally ended when my mom had the guts to divorce his , but even then it took a long time for that to happen. Now granted my father was not all bad, there were many fun memories in my old house, yet somehow I seem to only remember the bad. My dad would say horrible things about people and especially my mom. He was also very good at belittling us and making feel like dirt, all the while keeping us under his thumb. He had several issues and the alcoholism only made it worse. He was very angry inside, very vindictive. And basically that’s what I learned, anger, spite, vengefulness. For a long time I was very hostile to women, for no reason, this was a big part of it. And for a long time things compiled on top of each other, making dating and meeting the right one very difficult. I was very shy, and maybe even socially inept in Jr. High and High School. This complied with the hatred brewing within me made everything worse. And because of this, I never learned those skills of dating. I have had 2 relationships in my life, 1 long term relationship and 1 shall we say ‘casual’ relationship, and both came from being asked out. Today the hatred for women is not there, I have calmed in my 20’s and am now at a point where I am indifferent. Oftentimes I think about the possibility of a new relationship, and I know in my heart that it will never happen, because I know the truth. And the truth is; I am a loser. I am terrified of meeting women, I don’t know what to say or do in situations like these. Women sometimes do not understand this, as all they have to do is flirt a little and the guy is just supposed to pick up on it and ‘spit game’. Well I can usually pick up on some of the signals, but the words never come out; I’ll never know what to say or how to say it. Sex is nice, but a relationship is better. I don’t want sex per se, but something meaningful. However with my own shortcomings I don’t think anything will happen. My family knows better than to ask me if I have a girlfriend because they know the answer. I have been single since my last ‘causal’ relationship ended when I was in school at metro community college. I don’t recall the exact length of time, but lets say its been about 8 years or so. So there you have it. You may think I’m a whiny loser, but it has felt good to get this out and to post it for everyone to see. I estimate I will indeed be single forever since I have zero self esteem when it comes to women. So i posted this on my blog on myspace the other day, and my friend told me that I needed to just relax and be carefree. That I should just be happy i'm single and not tied down by a relationship. I love it when people think they know what your going through, and that its reallly no big deal. But the reality is, i'll be single for the rest of my life, so yeah, sorry if that depresses me a bit, or even a lot!!
  24. Dont know where to post this, figured its kind of self injury. Yeah so im a typical teenager, likes a drink etc. . . but recently ive been craving it. The other night i was drinking wine like water . . and then port, then last night i have quite a bit of whiskey (for my age) and beer. . . i dont drink alone, socially, but i dont know if this could perhaps make me alcoholic when i get older. Need some facts and some advice on how much, is too much.
  25. This is a quote I came accross online today about guys stuck in the dreaded friend zone. "A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired." Discuss: I find it to be very ammusingly accurate.
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