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  1. Okay - question time: I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th). I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person. I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit. He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives. Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity! He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down. He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc) I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day). Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold. I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all. So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on? I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?
  2. So here's the situation; I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. This year is our 3rd. Here's what transpired: My boyfriend has a private Instagram account. So evidently sometime last year around the summer, he followed or she requested to follow him. I'm not certain who followed who But I noticed that they had messaged each other. I need to provide more context first my boyfriend has a past, He used to be promiscuous with women, some case would have multiple girlfriends simultaneously. He used so many dating apps and in fact he followed a bunch of them on social media and has them on a messaging app. ( some of them he had s*x with or intended to.) and collected images with them and of them nude, Explained to me his goal used to be to try have intercourse with as many women as he could. He was transparent about a lot of his past but probably he may have not told me everything. He explains to me how natural he feels around me & how much he's changed and that he realized how immature & narcissistic he used to be. I want to believe him and he assures me who he is today isn't who he was back then and how grateful he was that he that wasn't the version of him I met. So far, he has demonstrated that in some respects & We are a devoted and joyful relationship and live together, I know he isn't sleeping around anymore. however, the thing that makes it troubling is he still hasn't deleted any of these women on social media or any messaging apps including an old long-time ex who still attempts to communicate with him and is clearly still attached to him. She apparently made some judgmental remarks on me and does this with every girl he's dated after her. He claims she has moved on but her actions speak otherwise. He ignores her now & If he has deleted any of these previous women it's a very small amount but I have yet to see that he has. He insists it's because there's so many or that he's lazy. I admit that I have really bad social anxiety which does affect my relationships sometimes. Despite that, it's in no way comparable to when I was significantly younger. Looking at how much I've grown I'm confident concerning who I am and how much I have changed. I'm trying to remain calm and not always assume the worst. Some of the roots I believe may about my past and the experiences I've had. So it's mostly for this reason that I am very hard to trust people. But I have begun to trust him after a certain point in our 1st year. There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits. but nowadays, I've been busy studying lately and it's not been a priority or an interest to lift weights or have a strict workout routine but if I do it it'll be my choice in the future and I've told him this on a few occasions. To be entirely honest, him annoying me about it is making me lose any possible motivation to try it. He insists it's for my health but I don't believe that's the full reasoning behind it. I see him make commentary about women who work out and lift weights. As an example, he will say that a girl has a nice ass, and then if I ask him about my ass he'll say it's cute. Sounds to me like he's saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that. Surely, if the change is for the better & I'll consider it but I also want to feel the personal motivation and have the time to do these sorts of things. Not just to satisfy someone else. I strive to be my best self but I also wish he could understand my perspective on why I don't desire either right now. So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge. The other is of her doing squats. I don't want to be irrational but this did hurt me and I don't know how to process this. For some time now he hasn't been liking any women's photos but he then he liked hers all of a sudden. I didn't wanna bring it up and make a big deal about it. So just to see what exactly was going on. I'll admit I looked at his DMs She messaged him first. At approximately 8 at night The messages went something along these lines; Her: Hello Him : Heyy how are you feeling? Her: very well and you? Him: I feel good(says something about a book he's reading) she likes this message Her: Oh that's cool He then ask if she's in a certain branch and the military and she confirms that she is. She then asks his profession and he tells her. Her: Aww that's nice Him : Yes where do you live? She tells him she lives in a city in our state about 2-3 hours from us. Her: Where do you live? Him: (Our city name) We're not that far She says that they aren't very far but tells him that she has been away from home awhile Her: Though coming back to the states anytime soon. Him : Oh where are you now? She then tells him that's she's in some foreign country in the middle east. Now he didn't say anything else after this. I again noted that a lot of time had passed and nothing came of it. Though I didn't feel it appeared platonic based on the photos he had liked and how flirty he came across with the emojis and such. On Instagram, we send each other cute animals, so one day we were cuddling in bed and when he opened his DMs I saw it again. I asked who she was and his immediate response was that he ignored her. But It's clear he didn't and was becoming really defensive. I asked him to look me in eyes & please tell me the truth but he couldn't keep a straight face every time I asked. He said he was grinning cause he thought it was ridiculous. His reaction of course made me feel anxious and skeptical. Afterward, I discovered he deleted the messages. So my questions are 1. Why do you think he deleted them? 2. Do you believe I have any justification to feel suspicious about this situation? They don't know each other and the probable hood of them meeting may not happen but I can't help but at least be uncomfortable with him following and messaging girls like this. Especially if he's going to be checking them out like that. 3. How do I resolve the situation? I understand it may seem difficult to believe but I trust that he won't genuinely cheat on me. but girls hit on him all the time, So much that it began to truly get on my nerves after it occurred so frequently. They don't know me or anything. Though, He makes our relationship public and has photos of me and him everywhere. Most of them know we are together but don't comprehend nor care about boundaries. Plus these remarks he makes about my appearance don't help much either. I don't want to feel like this. I love him, He's a wonderful boyfriend. I don't imagine he isn't attracted to me but I want to discover a way to communicate that even though yes he is with me and I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me. This is all especially hard given some of his interactions with women. I attempted to reflect and examine if I'm a hypocrite and do this too. But I never compare him like this to other men, I always tell him how handsome he looks. I don't try to pressure him to change his appearance to satisfy me, I may make a suggestion here and there like a shirt or something I think he'd like. But I don't make a big deal or constantly bring it up like him. I also receive messages sometimes that are flirty, I normally block them, ignore them or instruct them to get lost and that's the end of it. I showed him I have removed these sorts of men from my past and present that may be problematic and I don't have any exes still around. So I don't comprehend why he does and doesn't any of this. Any advice would be helpful, I think we may just need to communicate and I need to understand what he is thinking and feeling. How maybe it is from his perspective.
  3. I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago. For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping. I asked him to never contact me again and was heartbroken. I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong, he now says my behaiour has ruined our friendship. To add to this he said I had betrayed his trust as I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me. Just feeling very lost and confused :(
  4. Long story short, I had a beautiful romance with a wonderful woman who treats me great, but she is a single mom with 5 kids. I found out about the kids early on, and should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy and I'd never gotten along so perfectly with any woman in my life. She saved me from terrible depression and we had great times together for 2 years, but now it's commitment time. She is financially strapped and I have been feeling bad about that since the beginning, and have helped her financially (and was happy to do so; she NEVER asked for help. I offered it unprompted.) But her being so poor really bothers me because I want her and her kids to have a safe place to live. Recently I started spending time with her kids (2 of whom are 4 and 5 yrs old and they adore me). I generally love kids and get on well with them, and her children are no exception; the problem is they're getting attached to me now, and I don't want to hurt them. She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread. Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him, but if I jump into this thing, I'll have to deal with this guy, share the kids with him, and basically give him power over my life. He can make trouble in many ways for us. I don't have an aversion to raising someone else's kids. That's not really the issue here. What I DO have a problem with is the size of this commitment (4 of these kids are still at home) and the uncertainty of dealing with the ex and whatever hassles he can send our way (which he will, I'm sure, as he'll always be angry at her for leaving him). This is not the life I envisioned for myself. So despite the fact that this woman is fantastic in every way aside from her baggage, I find myself feeling horrible dread over the prospect of moving her and her kids into my place. This woman loves me unreservedly and has told me many times that I'm the love of her life and if this doesn't work out, she's done looking for Mr Right and will remain single the rest of her life (she's 45). I'm not taking that literally, and she's beautiful so there's always going to be some man interested in her, but I feel incredibly guilty thinking about leaving because I know she'll be devastated, and knowing I really could give her and her kids a better life. The problem is, I'd be improving their lives quite possibly at the expense of my own. I don't have a lot of good years left (I'm 48) and I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago. This was my first relationship post-divorce, and it sucked me in and took me on a roller coaster ride. It's been wonderful up to this point. What kills me is I adore this woman, and I actually do like her kids, especially the 2 little ones who are so cute and lovable and full of fun. I never had kids of my own (low sperm count), but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, but my heart tortures me with guilt. Horrible, overwhelming guilt that robs me of my sleep and leaves me unable to even concentrate on anything during the day. I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I know, logically that many of my concerns are overstated. I would "only" be directly caring for 2 kids (not 5) but I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing. This could be very sweet domestic bliss or it could all go south easily. Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!
  5. We split 10 month ago officially after 8 long years and a 4 year old baby girl. She ended it because I was unfaithful. To many lies from me, I needed to grow up tbh. I hit rock bottom, and built myself back up. I feel like I’m a man after that experience. We just got back from a day out with the daughter. We don’t do this often but when Our days off during the week merge, I’ll always see if she would like to take our girl out. Well, it was fantastic. Everything felt natural, and that’s because I’m over the breakup for the most of it. I made her belly laugh, and snort. Not seen that for a long time. And also some physical contact. I carried her over obstacles, we collided into each other down slides and ended up on top of each other a few times. I’d call this flirting, at least from my side. And it felt good. Like, she wanted me to chase her sometimes. Felt like being kids again it was so refreshing. Trouble is...she’s in a committed relationship. Has been for around 8 month now. She loves him, and I believe her. And I know they talk marriage and kids and moving on together, all that normal stuff. The guy is cool, and is very involved with my daughter now. Which I’m happy about now. She made a joke on the way home. He walked to her house (doesn’t drive) and it’s like at 30 minute walk at least in pouring rain and snow. Very committed I said. She said it’s a little excessive of him. First time I’ve ever really heard her mock him even if it was gentle. I joked back about how he’s storming to her house now, knowing we’ve all been together for the day and thinking frantically about how he can get one up on me when he’s got time with her tonight. She laughed, like real hard. I feel like attraction is building between us, that’s what I believe this is. Possibly because I’ve let go now. And it took so long to get over the breakup. I will add...I do love this girl. She’s important to me and I will always take care of her. Seeing us together having fun brings back fond memories, we haven’t laughed together like that for years. It was nice to be apart of it. For the record. I’m moving on with my life, as is she. I actually am enjoying my life now. I’ve changed so much. What do people think is going on here?
  6. I dated a woman for almost exactly one year. In the beginning she had committment issues and we broke up twice due to her not being ready to commit. She came back both times and finally committed and things were overall going well. Her family loved me and we had a great time together. Fast forward to this past weekend...were at her moms house and we had a great time. Once her mom went to bed we go downstairs and my ex made some rude remark about a shirt i had and i asked her "what is your deal?" She then immediately took her stuff and went to another bedroom. I followed to ask her what's going on and she pushed me. I instinctively reacted by grabbing her arm. I immediately let go and said some terrible things to her about how her bitterness from her divorce has been an ongoing issue in this relationship. I then packed my stuff, left, and broke up with her. I texted her family goodbye and they were very supportive saying I worked really hard to make this work and they are sad I'm gone. The next day I texted her to apologize for my contribution to the issue only to find out she had blocked me on everything except instagram. I then messaged her on instagram only to have her read it and block me. This is the first time I have broken up with her and I took her back the 2 times she broke up with me amd came back. This was a massive fight and break up but has anyone had something like this where they came back or things were fixable? At the very least I'd love to sit down with her and have a conversation about what went wrong. We've had some issues but a lot of our issues were slowly improving as the relationship progressed. If anyone has been in this position, I'd like to hear what happened for you?
  7. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been dating a girl now for a few months. Things went well at first but then she grew to be distant. Long story short at first we both wanted something serious but later on she told me she just wanted things to be casual. I asked her if she is still interested in me romantically and she said yes but that she wants no commitment or expectations right now and potentially in the future things could be different. She just wants things to play out as they will. She has been acting nice but distant, the vibe is totally off from where it was before. I'm really into this girl and it's been very hard on me. I'm wondering if I should just drop this girl or hang on and keep hoping things will potentially change. I know what I wrote is quite vague but I didn't want to bother anyone with a long essay. Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you very much.
  8. Hi, So I recently started officially dating my boyfriend. He's a really nice guy who genuinely cares about me and my feelings and I think he's hilarious. However I find myself one day being really excited about dating him and the next being so worried about it and not wanting it to be a thing, but then wanting him in my life the next day and then not again. I am thinking this is because of commitment issues and I'm also wondering if I am not actually as interested as I think I am. I also kind of get embarrassed by him in social settings with my friends and his because he is loud and kind of silly. However this I believe is because I am self conscious and worried what every one thinks. It's really stressing me out and I would love to hear from others if this is something you have experienced and if so how did you deal with it? Even if you haven't I would just like some advice. Thanks in advance :)
  9. Hey! New to the site and wanted to share a bit about myself and my recent experiences. I’m in my early to mid-30s and really only started dating in the last year. I dove right in, and have been able to maintain a positive attitude giving the guys I’ve dated a lot of grace perhaps out of my own desire for compassion. Honestly, they’ve all treated me less than great and I’ve stayed in “situationships” far too long, taking (excusing??) every phase as a much-needed learning lesson. After a year of dating, I am actually grateful I have yet to be in a relationship although I still want a relationship. I’m not one of those women with a long list of traits who is holding out for Mr. Right. I’m more interested in developing better communication skills and learning how to navigate relationships (romantic and otherwise) while seeking something that is in alignment with my values and standards. I desire someone who supports my self-growth and development, someone who treats me right, someone who is committed to building a healthy relationship. Anyways, that’s what brings me to this forum. Because dating is hard and I’m feeling discouraged. I’m hurting and wishing sometimes things played out differently... not necessarily resulting in a relationship, but simply handled with more respect and care. And I’m feeling a bit lonely in all of this... it hasn’t been easy discovering my patterns, pitfalls, and imperfections all while hoping you come across someone who celebrates you for you... when that’s something you’ve never even experienced!! All the while learning to let go... especially when you’re testing out vulnerability, learning to communicate boundaries, and having to constantly reset your practice of self care, self love, self worth, self acceptance... all the “selves”. Yeah, I could really use some encouragement! Relationships are not easy! And support isn’t always readily available. I know I am on the right track, but this is no cake walk!
  10. Dear all, I am seeing a guy for over 2,5 years. We had a relationship label for about 6 months but it made him so anxious that we officially broke up but kept seeing each other and were exclusive still. I know, very strange. We finally really broke up a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other for a month until he came back again. We are not exclusive now but we do see each other a lot, we hang out with mutual friends etc. He had a really rough youth, his father was murdered and he has contact with his mother even though it’s not a normal mom-son bond. It is clear he has a lot of unresolved issues and I see that most of the time he cannot help him self, his system is just as it is because he literally doesn’t know how to do different. He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing in front of his friends, even though I am the sweetest and most loyal person he has even known. Sometimes he sits down with me and tells me how much he loves me, that I have every reason to leave him forever and how it is possible that I am still here for him after all he has done. I am too understanding, I see so much trauma in him and I don’t take the way he is treating me personal but that is wrong. I am not being sweet to myself by allowing him to cross my boundaries every time. We fight like we are in a relationship even though we are officially not because he is too scared. I had an abortion last week. He came with me to the procedure and I counted on him being there for me that day. He told me he wanted to go to a festival afterwards, I became upset and told him that I needed him afterwards. He started yelling at me that everything always has to go my way, that I cannot force him to stay with me and that I always make so much drama. I started crying, I was about to have an abortion and here he was yelling at me that he wanted to go to a festival. I never did this ever before and I scared myself, but I was felt so misunderstood and so lonely that I slapped him in his face. How dare he talk about wanting to go to a festival and yelling at me before having an abortion. Slapping him is not okay, I know that. It did make him calm down though and he stayed, he sold his ticked. After the procedure I was in pain and felt incredibly sad and all I wanted was a hug from him. I came out the clinic and he was waiting for me. He asked how I was doing and a few minutes later he said if it was possible I would go to my mom because he felt forced to stay with me for the rest of the day. At that point, I was still feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthesia and I was still in pain from the procedure. I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I was still processing the abortion and him telling me he felt forced to take care of me trying to ship me off to my mom broke me. I was extremely upset, I couldn’t even stand anymore and I sat down crying hysterically in the middle of the side walk because I felt so incredibly sad, hurt and lonely. He said I needed to act normal and pulled me up. We did go to his house but I still needed to go to the pharmacy on my scooter to get antibiotics. I did not feel well to drive my scooter but I had to, to get my medication. He took the subway. I got the medication and when I came back to his place he did not say a word to me. He did not ask how I was feeling, he did not ask if he could get me something to drink. I told him if it was possible for him to show me some affection but he got very angry. He said that I should be happy that I could stay with him, that he was being way too sweet to me, that I forced him into staying with me and that I was exaggerating about my physical and emotional pain about the abortion. We got into a huge fight again but it became so much, I just couldn’t fight anymore so at one point I became quit until he started hugging me again. We spend a few hours together which were nice. In the evening he suddenly became angry again without no apparent reason, he just suddenly told me that he felt really unhappy today about how everything went and that I treated him poorly and unfairly. He basically kicked me out of his apartment and slammed the door in my face and afterword’s we shortly spoke on the phone that he needed me to back off, that this was too much for him and that he doesn’t want any contact for a while. I told him how sorry I was for slapping him, I sent him flowers with a card and an apology but he said that it was too much and that I need to distance myself from him. (Apparantly he feels suffocated? I was only trying to show him my regret for slapping him – I felt like an apology with flowers was the right thing to do). I am completely at loss, I just had an abortion which I still need to process and he suddenly doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Did I really act horrible? What do you think I should do?
  11. Hey all - to cut a long story short: seen this guy a few times, felt pretty intense pretty quick. Good connection etc. We are about 1.5 hours from each other so not the easiest to see one another and he is in a full time job. He said he’s very eager to see me and this week coming up would be good - however on friday he got a job interview offer (he’s currently switching jobs which is a great source of stress to him) but doesnt know when yet so couldnt commit to seeing me. Totally get it. So we talk every day. And today I said that I guessed he hadn’t heard back yet as to when his interview is, so would the week after work better for him? He left me on read lol. Great. Did I do anything wrong? He has left me on read before and then messaged back later so this isn’t totally out of the ordinary
  12. Hey peeps, Hope everyone is well here, so i have been chatting to a few girls, going to pubs with friends, gyming 5 days a week which is going good but I still cant connect with female wherever I go :-( Man, women are always complimenting me on how good looking I am, how dedicated I am to keeping a healthy lifestyle, some even wanted a serious relationship lol but here's the thing, as soon as a woman gets close to me I pull away and shut myself off from her, and I had a few they could have me so happy, the one I really liked, who knows my back story, now has bf :-( we still friends but damn could have been more :-( So yeah besides counseling, is there any other way i can open up? Life is too short to cry over spilled milk so I want to make the best of it. Thank you ladies and gentlemen :-)
  13. Hi all, I’m 25(M) and she is 24(F). To cut to the chase, I dated a girl for about 13 months. During this time, we developed a deep love and care for each other, but ultimately ended things *somewhat* mutually (I initiated it) predominately due to the fact that she refused to open up with me and connect as she was afraid to (both because of her holding on to and amplifying our past conflicts, in addition to her overall announcing that she has commitment issues). She still cares for me very much, and vice versa as does her whole family. I have ALWAYS blocked my exes on everything, but in this case, the thought of losing her in my life completely is far worse than losing her intimacy (she didn’t express any for a long time anyway). Should I still block her?
  14. Hi All, I'll give you a bit of a background first. I met my girlfriend almost 4 years ago and she is the nicest and most genuine person I have ever known, she is the perfect partner and I can see a long life with her. Previous to meeting her I was single for a good 4 years. We both have young children from previous that get on amazing well. She moved her life to be nearer me and fully committed herself to our relationship. Rewind 3 years from now and I did the worst thinkable thing to our relationship, I was unfaithful twice within the first year of dating, owning up to kissing at the time but held back the full extent of what happened. I was very selfish to commit these acts being very drunk (I know this is no excuse) I would never go out to hurt her and hate myself for doing so. I went to a counselor straight after I messed up the second time and made changes to be a better person, in the last 3 years I genuinely feel a lot more mature and in control of myself, a little bit too late maybe. We were at the stage where we were discussing marriage and children so I couldn't keep this secret from her any longer, so I confessed recently and she had the obvious reaction like it happened last week. I read so many places that the best option was to keep these secrets from her as it will only bring her pain, confessing the full details has likely ruined everything. I hate myself for the pain I have caused her and for not giving her the full truth at the time 3 years ago. Within the last good 3 years we have been solid and bought a house, moved in together and have lived a really happy life with a bright future. I know I will never hurt her again and I am not the person I was back then, she will not trust me again and is likely to leave. I deserve everything I get for my mistakes early on, is there anything I can do to save this relationship?
  15. This is not going to be a rant as I have already had my share of ranting offline, this is more of a unanimous decision from the unbiased online audience, while this maybe subjective but I will just try to keep it short and simple I have been "seeing" this girl for a good 5 months now and in the beginning it was all very casual, I didn't have any hopes or wasn't even seeking anything but things started to develop, that's how usually things happen to me -- you don't expect it or want it but eventually it does happen and I fell for her While she stated in the beginning she is a free spirit and doesn't believe in monogamy and wants to keep our relationship open, I first didn't have a problem with that as I didn't see myself developing any sort of feelings but now after many dates and "fill in the blanks" I am able to safely say that I can no longer feel as neutral as I was in the begining I am not going to lie, I am not the person to commit to anything or anyone and I think the fact that I just feel that there is a slight chance the girl I am with might find interest in another guy or girl -- the answer is "yes" However things changed and I did develop feelings but I am now in that phase where I am acting, although I have to mention that at some point I did break up with her but decided to go back and try again but I still feel like some part of me is dead and struggling because of the fight between what I want and what I should do So the question remains shall I just pull the plug or just keep it going and I know, also I am inclined to pull the plug but if I am hopeful or think that maybe another angle/pov might give me a different perspective on how to approach this challenge
  16. How do i start. A friend passed away about a month ago now, some say he committed suicide, some say it’s suspicious. Who knows. And it was hard to accept because life was just starting to look up for him and all... so you know, like why do it right? And that’s when it started. My own attempts were about 20+ years ago. And i guess ever since then it’s been about really trying to move forward and making life better and blah blah blah. And then it hit me. What’s the point? It seems like i fell into a hole of everything is meaningless. All i want is love. People are horrid to each other. Nobody is interested (hole of self- pity as well it appears). The thing that scares me the most is - it’s so easy. It’s so easy to just do something anything to end it all. I don’t want to. But i don’t know what i could do. Crying all over the place, it’s affecting work. Relationships. How have any of you pulled yourself away from that ledge?
  17. Hi there, My partner and I have been together for ten years now, and are yet to have sex. We are both committed to each other, and love each other very much. This issue has been very hard to deal with for a long time now. My self confidence is always shot, and paranoia always takes over, but we have both been faithful to each other this whole time. I don't want to sound like that is all I want from this relationship, because if that were true, I would have moved on a long time ago, but it is a step I want for the both of us. But she has no interest. When we are intement, (which is very rare, maybe once every two months or so) she gets scared when we try. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell her it's a healthy part of a relationship without feeling like I'm trying to pressure her, because I am not. Any help would be greatly appreciated
  18. I dated a girl for about a month recently who I met online. She lives fairly close, 40min drive and on average we saw each other every other day. She has two kids. We hit it off instantly and our relationship became emotional intense very quickly. In my 35 years I've never experienced anything so intense on an emotional scale this fast and neither did she. We never became intimate. We both have anxiety issues. She definitely has major relationship issues having been cheating on multiple times, admitted to never being in a healthy committed relationship, and she revealed she had recently had an emotional breakdown because she felt she was broken and unlovable. Things were moving along perfectly. I was feeling very confident and secure, she was incredibly affectionate and came off as borderline needy and maybe a bit desperate, but she pursued me pretty hard and started bringing me into her personal life so I just went with it. We shared a lot of intimate details about each other's lives and really opened up. Then I started to develop strong feelings for her and when that happened I started to feel vulnerable and insecure. I think I was just getting overwhelmed at how quickly everything was moving. At first it didn't affect me but after an embarrassing moment on our last date a fear of rejection set in and it skewed my perception of the following week of communication with her. I started to feel like she was withdrawing and I started to panic. I maintained composure throughout the week hoping it would just go away on its own but by Friday I decided to try no contact to see if she would reach out to me, hoping that would reassure me. We went all day Friday without any contact, the first time since we started seeing each other. I let my curiosity get the better of me and I recreated my online dating profile that night and searched for her. I had deleted my original one after things progressed with us. When I searched for her I found her online and active. I did nothing, keeping my profile hidden, and slept on it. Saturday I woke up and checked again and she was still actively online. After a few more hours I decided to unhide my profile assuming I was right and she was pulling away. I still had not heard from her since Thursday. Within the hour she found me online and sent me a message containing one word, "Really." I responded quickly in the heat of the moment saying I had felt like she was withdrawing from me all week so I came online to see if she was active, saw her, and assumed I was correct so I was going to just move on without creating a big emotional scene. I tried to convey that if I was mistaken that I wanted to talk about what happened but instead of responding to me she blocked me. I took the weekend to reflect on my emotions from the previous week, and our relationship in general and it was then that I came to the realization that she had not been acting differently and there was absolutely no evidence that she was withdrawing from me. I had manifested this in my head to convince myself she was going to reject me which triggered a need to protect myself. Our conversations, all through text, weren't any different either. So from her perspective I just suddenly stopped talking to her one day and then she sees me back on a dating website the next day. I don't think that excuses her being active on it as well, especially since she pushed to define our relationship as a committed one a week prior, but she was terribly insecure, extremely apologetic and doubted whether she even deserved me. I thought her blocking me was premature but I understand it as someone who has dealt with some bad cases of anxiety - fight or flight, fear of being hurt, etc. I decided to write her a letter and mail it to her along with a necklace she had pointed out a couple times that she wanted. I apologized, explained what had really happened, and tried to prove my commitment to her and to our relationship through the letter and by buying her that necklace. I mailed it to her 2 days after we last spoke and it arrived at her place the next day and I haven't heard a peep since. That was almost 2 weeks ago. Since then I have deleted my dating profile again as I really have no interest in meeting anyone else as I'm still hopeful this can be salvaged. Any advice, suggestions or comments on whether this has a chance to rebound back into the relationship we had started to build? All I want to do is have an actual conversation about what happened but she just ran away before anything could even be said.
  19. Hi, I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. The first 7 months were great. We went out a lot and really enjoyed each others company. We also got to know each other's past during this time. Me: My status was recently divorced, have 1 child, and went out on a few dates with one other person before I met my current boyfriend. The first person was never a hookup nor did it get any further than a few dates. It was just an interest that didn't go any where. My current partner: He's had several relationships that were broken up due to infidelity. His mother also cheated on his dad. So he has insecurities that run very deep for him. So after the first 7 months with my current boyfriend, I never mentioned the first guy that I went out with after my divorce just because it never got to a point of intimacy or a committed relationship. I was just putting myself out there and testing the dating waters again as it's been a long time (12-13 yrs). At some point in a conversation, the name of the first guy came up. Immediately, I could sense the insecurities in him. He asked a lot of questions, detailed questions. He wanted specific calendar dates of when it started, when it ended, how it ended, how many dates we'd been on, if we had been intimate, things we talked about and so forth. I explained to him that nothing happend in that relationship and that it ended because I wasn't feeling it with him. He wanted to know why i wasn't upfront about this guy from the beginning. I explained that I didn't see any point in bringing it up because it never went any where and that I was just testing the waters. He didn't believe me and feels that I was just trying to cover something up. He believes I was seeing him and the other guy at the same time. He's distrusted me ever since this initial conversation. Thereafter, every thing in the relationship spiraled out of control. He put a GPS tracking device on my car (without my knowledge), he pulled a background check on myself and the other guy, he's demanded to see all the contacts on my phone, all my texts, all my messages, he always accuses me of hiding behind my electronic devices to have conversations with other guys, he goes through my Facebook friends and questions who I have friended, he monitors when I am active on Facebook and what I post and he's secretly gotten into my email accounts without my knowledge. He's also discovered in pulling the background check that the other guy, that I haven't heard from in over a year, lives just about a mile away. So he assumes that I am sneaking to this other guys house or he is sneaking into my house when my boyfriend is not around. My boyfriend lives about 30-40 minutes away from me so it's not easy for him to check up on me. I haven't done anything he is accusing me of. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless because nothing I say or do convinces him otherwise. I love him dearly because we can have a great time but I would love him even more if he would stop all the accusations. We've been fighting about this one subject for over a year now. And now he is asking for access to my Ring (doorbell with a camera on it) account so that he can see who is coming and going from my house. He also asked for access to the security cameras inside the house as well. He says that if I have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem and that it is about just being in an open and honest relationship. He is also saying that this would put his mind at ease since he doesn't live very close by. In exchange, he would do the same for me. A part of me doesn't feel like I should have to do this, even though I absolutely have nothing to hide. I have been 100% faithful and committed to him but he just doesn't believe me. He's been pretty invasive in my opinion and now he wants access to all my cameras? I'm torn because, while i don't have anything to hide, I still feel like I have every right to defend my privacy just out of principle and respect. And the more I keep fighting it, the more he believes I'm hiding something. Am I over-reacting or over-thinking this? Should I just give him access even though I don't feel like I shouldn't have to? I'm almost 50 years old, I'm independent, I'm a strong woman and mother and I have done well for myself. All of the sudden I just feel so controlled by my boyfriend and I wouldn't normally let this happen. I just don't know if my judgement is being clouded by the things he says or if I am making something big out of nothing and it's eating me up inside. Thoughts?
  20. So long story short.. ish. Me and my ex were together for a year and half.. well I say together, he was somewhat on and off with me. We met in a house share and were the best of friends in the beginning before taking it further. He hadn't been in a relationship with a woman for 4 years before me, hadn't even been with a woman in that time so I understood his desire to take things slow. He never really wanted to take me out, didn't want to do the little things, didn't care for me in a way i clearly cared for him. Nonetheless he told me he felt he's met the one, he was struggling to let his guard down, fair enough, I remain patient, understanding. When it came to me questioning his true intentions and whether he ever saw a future with me, I started to become beat down and tired of waiting for some kind of break through with him, he was still saying the right things to keep me from walking away. Then we started to have heated conversations about his intentions and I was expressing how his words and actions don't correlate, he said he cared but I didn't feel it. Gut feeling knows. He then reveals to be that he can't commit to me because I'm white, he had meetings for an arrange marriage over the summer... He said white people divorce easy which isn't acceptable in his culture (Sri Lankan, Christian). His words cut me so deep because I do come from a divorced family and he threw the pains of my childhood in my face. It was all a lot to take in and I fell into depression.. despite him then changing his mind saying he does want me, I couldn't move on from how this man I loved hurt me in such a way.. He then left one miserable Monday night and I never saw him since. Now I find out; the man who could never commit.. the man who couldn't commit, had these deep rooted childhood issues himself, was being advised an arrange marriage, couldn't be with a white woman is now In a relationship with a white woman?!??!?!! In the space of a few months too. I know it shouldn't but it hurts, it's cut me feel again. It's plastered all over social media so his parent can see (I was a secret), he takes her out (keep seeing them about), he probably treats her so so much better, doing all the things I wanted to do... all the suggestions I made. I feel like she gets to enjoy the ground work I put in with him, she won't ever see his nasty side and she gets the man I deserved. Why wasn't I enough? Why her not me?
  21. ggazoo75

    Pain at work

    Last year, I made the biggest mistake of my life and had an affair with a woman at work. A few months ago we ended it and confessed to our spouses, who forgave us. We both continue to work our respective marriages. However, I’m feeling incredibly jealous at work. Our office is small - 25 people, split between 2 locations. She is in the other office, miles away (she comes down to our office once a month). I used to be the one that she would email... send pictures to... share secrets. Now, she’s doing all of that with another guy at work. I know this because we share a desk, or sit together in meetings. I don’t intentionally look, but I’ll seeing messages in his inbox from her. She calls him “cutie”, he calls her “beautiful”. She sent a selfie of herself to him that she later used as her profile picture on Facebook. They’ve become close. I can’t get past the fact that I used to be the guy she did all of that with. Even though I have no romantic interest, it hurts... a lot. And I miss our friendship more than anything. She will joke around with people at work, but with me with it’s cold and all business. It’s too much to handle. Do I think something is going on with her and this other guy at work? I don’t know. I don’t think so as he’s in a committed relationship and she said that she is 100% committed to her husband. How do I let go of this? Please help.
  22. Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been on here. I have a confusing situation and I wanted to objectively lay it out so you guys could give me some clarity/advice on what to do. I started seeing a guy around end of January; idk if this matters but im 23 and he's 27 and he used to be in the Navy; now attends college and is also an aspiring musician/guitarist/singer. We clicked instantly; the honeymoon phase was amazing. He picked me up from the airport when I came back from a med school interview; he said he couldn't stop thinking about me...he said he adored me, and really liked me. Two separate times though, he would bring up the fact that I'm going to Philly for medical school and also the fact that my parents are unfortunately pretty discriminatory against anyone not of my religion. He said these two times that he didn't want to get hurt, and that he didn't want to invest. So I guess he verbally did make his intentions clear; he wanted us to enjoy ourselves since "there was no need for a label". However his actions showed that he thought of me as a girlfriend; we hung out practically every day; he wanted me to meet his friends and even family when they visit...I got swept up in the vision of a relationship that I thought I was in. One night we were in the car and he asks me where I see this going, and that he sees a future with me. I was quiet that night because I remember I was scared if I said I wanted a relationship he would back away. I was scared. A week or two later, I go to New York for med school interviews. I come back; and he ignores me for two days. Finally he responds with a text: I can't be the person you want me to be; I'm not responsible enough to commit to you. We talk on the phone; and he admits he saw someone else while I was in New York. I was pretty devastated tbh; I was confused; and he kept saying that he had been transparent but I dont know how to articulate this;;...he TREATED me like a girlfriend even though he said "there's no need for a label". Fast forward to now; I may either stay in town where he lives, or I might go to Philly. Not sure yet. But regardless...the situation now is that we are basically best friends; we see each other every other day. I make him Indian dishes and drop them at his house. I buy him gifts. We go out together; he hits me up all the time to hang out; im the first person he reaches out to when he wants to do something; he sometimes flirtatiously touches me-which naturally makes me start having hope... (I've realized my generosity toward him is really just a futile attempt to get him to realize how much I care about him; and to realize how valuable that is. ) I'm just hurting all the time though. Even when I'm with him, sure I'm happy but there's a part of me pining and longing to hold him and be with him intimately. I thought, and yeah maybe this is stupid, but I thought he liked me enough that he would've at least wanted to TRY being together. And why did he say that he saw a future with me that one time? Doesn't correspond to everything else that he said... In any case, I tried ignoring him a little a few days ago and he panicked and started blowing up my phone. I don't know. I think he wants the emotional intimacy and companionship while being able to around with other girls with no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to be in a relationship with. Just good enough to play around with for a couple months. Interesting side-note: when I went to his house a few days ago, he brought up one of his close friends in Florida who he had a fling with and who wanted him to commit; and he refused...she blocked him then he sent a nice text saying he was sorry if he did smthng, and she replied super pissed and calling him selfish and horrible, etc...he kinda just shrugged and said "our paths weren't aligned" or something and then that was all he had to say on the matter of losing a previously very close friend. It makes me think-if I do something similar, like block him or just stop talking, he wont care about losing me either? What should I do? And why...why am I not worthy of a relationship with him? Also...isn't it better to be friends than not have him at all?
  23. FYI this story is in the Philippines ... I'm an American living there most of the year.. dated this girl on and off for 3 yrs.. as I was in and out of the country during the 3yrs she dated or had 3-4 other boyfriends ... usually around 2-6 months at a time then she would contact me and we would reconnect few of the times I contacted her first Most of 2018 we are together she dated another guy on-line never met in which we are separated for 5 months.. then end of 2018- through April 2019 we are together and she isn't dating anyone else we lived in different cites but she would fly to stay with me for extended amounts of time or I went to her city for 2+ months beginning of 2019.... This entire time we are never officially BF & GF as I was still dating other girls .. Beginning of March she starts chatting a man from Germany - I find out about it when she says she can't see me when I'm coming to see her on this trip I had planned.. she says she is meeting someone.. I get upset about and she tells the guy that she can't meet him because of me already has something planned with me and I've been there for her since the beginning. he blocks her changes his profile photo back to his old finance. for about a week - he had just broken off and engagement just months before chatting her.. I have plans to see her in 3 weeks as I'll be coming to her city for about a month before my business trip back to USA. 1-2 weeks after her being home in Davao Philippines she is chatting him again on FB.. then goes into a relationship on Facebook I immediately call her to tell her I'm still coming for our trip and she says okay.. Few days later she messages me is it okay if I stay with you No sex.. ? (Looking back I realize this is a big turning point.. I should have just said I want to see you regardless sex or no sex) I realize now that she wanted to see I cared for her of if it was just our amazing sex. but... I reply with laughing emojis.. and say we will talk about when I there.. Its important to note this guy changed his flight 1 month later to meet her as she told him she must meet me first... which should be okay since they aren't in a relationship yet. around the time she went into a relationship she posts this on her FB wall...... If you're not ready to commit she understands.. but when you see her with someone who is PLEASE UNDERSTAND! The next week she sends me messages saying I'm so sorry but I can't meet you anymore my family is growing close to the man and I am to his family.. I so sorry ! I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to hurt him.. and I can't let me family down.. as it would look bad to see you knowing that I'm in a relationship with him... I wish I could just run away. At this point I feel I again should have flew in anyways and got my girl.. but I did no contact and deiced to let her see this guy is crazy.. as he told her the first week of chatting on FB I love you and already told my sister you're the one for me.. within a few weeks of that he basically told her he is going to marry her... less than 1 month later his plane lands he goes straight to her house and proposes in front of her family the day he arrives! They only knew each other in Peron for one day. Less than one week later they get matching couple tattoos that take up half of their arms.. that Say I love you "partner name" he or she actually text me from her phone the day this happened on viber app but I couldn't see what the message was at is was a disappearing message that was gone when I open it.. I imagine it was a photo of this tattoo or a message not sure... only reason I even know about this tattoo as my friends send me the photo via FB messenger I had already unfollowed her almost a month before the engagement and tattoo even occurred so I'm not thinking of it too much.. My friend sent me this asking what are you doing right before she got engaged saying she is a good one.. You must be nice to her or someone else will Now that I know about this tattoo it has really gotten to me.. I'm sure she will likely regret it.. especially if she realizes this guy might be a special kinda crazy. seems to me these might be early signs of an abusive controlling type of man.. I've looked on-line I guess couple tattoos doom a relationship and over 90% of the time they end usually within 6-12 although no officially stats on this anywhere.. its just tough as she was my best friend... I feel responsible as I hurt her many times as she just wanted me to commit to her and only her. he is currently with her for this month then he will fly back to his country next month as only in Philippines for 30 days.. if they are to go through with the marriage and she goes to Europe to process the paperwork to do that takes between 6-9 months.. Unless they got married in the Philippines then they could do it quickly which wouldn't surprise at the speed this is moving now. a month isn't that long to get to know someone.. - I'll be in USA but I will be back on her bday month this August.. normally in the past I would usually here from here I would guess around this time.. when she is going into a temporary relationship.. She would usually want to come and see me This is different as she is engaged with a tattoo... and she has changed her last name on FB and I'm 100% she blocked me the day after she got the tattoo .. I'm quite sure it was his idea to do these couple tattoo and to block me.. I feel this was a move to show their love moreover make sure she stays with him forever...and doesn't leave or cheat on him. any guess to what will happen next.. ? as in this next 2-6 months as he will be gone for many of them.. I guess I should just be happy for her.. at the same time I feel she just got into a quick rebound relationship with someone the opposite of me to take away the pain and stress... All she wanted was for me to commit to her .. since I wouldn't and she was hurt by me having other gfs and my lack of commitment she just latched onto the this person.. I feel she is very likely to go through with this marriage and move to Germany next year.. it might be until then she sees his other side.. then eventually if it becomes and abusive relationship she will feel scared and trapped in another country with nobody to reach out to.. I'm just learning about the early signs of an abusive relationship and this guy fits the mold.. (but I could be wrong) I don't know what to achieve here on this forum .. I just read a similar forum someone else wrote few years ago with ex getting tattoo quickly.. so figured I would reach out and share my story.... as I'm living with this regret and she is still the first thing I wake up and think about everyday and many times throughout the day..
  24. My ex broke up with me two months ago. At first there was no contact, now we see eachother about once a week. She broke up with me because she suffers from poor self image and depression after being cheated on by her former partner, and raised by emotionally neglectful parents. She feels she is also selfish and emotionally neglectful, and that she's doing best by letting me go. She believed that she made me unhappy, and that I was better off finding someone better. No amount of discussion, demonstrating how I want to be with her, supporting her through her own struggles etc. would convince her of otherwise. When we get together it's like we were never apart. Everything feels good and right, as though nothing has changed. We both have a great time. After every time we see eachother I tell her how happy the time spent made me. I know if I bring up the topic of getting back together she would just use these beliefs about herself as justifications as to why we can't be together. I want more than anything to be with her. How do I move back into a relationship from just hanging out? I don't want to stay in this limbo longer, or waste my time giving myself to someone who will never want me for more, but I know if I push it, she will say no, citing the same reasons why she broke it off, and that will be it. What's the best approach to get back into a relationship from regularly hanging out? Obviously she wouldn't get together with me, even initiate it herself unless she had feelings for me, and wanted to spend time with me. On one of our hangouts we even had dinner and hung out with some of her friends.
  25. Hi, I'm getting myself into relationships that aren't fulfilling. I feel like this is kindoff my own fault though. For example: last month I had a 1rst date with a girl. At the end I didn't feel like it was going anywhere but we still ended up making out that night. After a couple of drinks I didn't really mind the kissing, but I sure might given her the wrong idea. We talked; she told me she wasn't looking for a relationship either since she broke up recently. But after a couple weeks of seeing eachother she already starts wanting more commitment. By seeing eachother often, with friends around, we sorta started having a non-established relationship which was never my intention. Sometimes I feel stupid cuz I had to see this coming but I didn't. I know I probably have to make my boundries known more clear and I'm trying, but its still hard for me. I don't feel good about this since I'm not happy in this (fake?) relationship but I also don't want to hurt her feelings. Then there's this: I always deeply care for friends and their worries. People often see me as caring, sweet and whatever. This girl (understandably) mistook this interested, caring behaviour for signs of love. This is not the first time this happens so I'm interested in what you think I should do with this girl specifically, and in general to prevent this from happening ever again. Hope to hear from y'all!
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