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  1. first of all thank you for your time and, my english may not be that good but im gonna try my best im a 15 year old girl and i have a 4 years older sister (19) who literally starts punching me on the face and pulling my hair whenever i ask her to, for example; move away when im sweeping the floor or when i ask her to clean the mess she made with food on MY bed... like im not even asking her to do me a favor she just refuses to act like a decent human being, she takes "dont tell me what to do" to a whoooooole new level.. she gets so easily offended by literally nothing and thats her biggest insecurity i once called her a snowflake and she almost broke my nose lmao i regret nothing. and because of what. because she pushed me away when i was sitting next to her holding the laptop, reading the news about the BTS meal, and i asked her to search for the price and she got offended thats why i called her a snowflake and she was TRIGGERED 🙂 when it comes to decent respect to family members or people in general, shes a complete a*hole. shes not participating in the chores (i always have to do her part of the chores) plus she always act like we owe her something; using my things without permission and throwing it on the floor when i want it back... and much more. our little sister is 12 and she never interacts with her cuz she knows how of a psychopath she is, and our older sister sometimes try to pick on her as usual but i often stand up for her because im the one who knows her weaknesses and i just cant let her win. this s**t didnt happen overnight, she used to abuse me physically and emotionally when we were kids and i learned how to use it all against her, shes just projecting her insecurities on others and i make sure shes always reminded of how weak she is to act like that.. sounds manipulative i know, shes one of the mostly people on earth that i have 0 empathy left for her, i would say that is my coping mechanism, i always win at argument, so her only comeback is the hitting and thats the only thing she wins at, but that doesnt affect me as much as it affects her, i dont really feel anything when she hits me it just gets old.. no f*cks left to give thats it, and i know how much words trigger her so i would never keep my mouth shut bcz i can 🙂 neither of us is mentally stable at this point, but i try as much as i can not to let people go through what ive gone through, something she does the complete opposite of, and i love making the people of her kind have a taste of their own medicine the most important part, are my parents paying attention to this? yes and no. i feel like theyre doubting themselves for her being like this, because... no need to sugar-coat this, child abuse is so normalized in our culture and my older sister was so mentally affected by which made her ego so fragile... are they doing anything to help? hear me out, when my sister and i get into a fight im "the only one who they can communicate with, safely" and i just need to ignore her because "im more mature"... like she always throws a tantrum like a f*cking 2 year old, crying and screaming whenever they try to discipline her saying that "they are the reason why she is like this" no b*tch stfu youre just a snowflake and you trying to make us feel bad while youre the one who always starts it off and tries to get away with it like a weak ass bi*ch like how can any parents expect and consider the victim who is also the youngest, to be more mature? how does that make you feel about yourself as a f*cking 19 year old? it bother me most when i see them not incharge of all of this, it makes me think: "when is she going to cmmit dead and leave us all in peace?" i even get death threats from her and i get bruises on my body and my scalp is hurting af its literally a miracle that she didnt break any bone in my body yet and MY PARENTS ARE NOT HELPING I SWEAR SOMEDAY IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
  2. I’m not really sure how to word this. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I have a history of drug use with him but we have both been clean for almost 5 years since I had my daughter. The constant fighting and abuse hasn’t stopped though. When we were using he used to hit me but he hasn’t in quite a few years. However when we argue and he screams at me it really it triggers my PTSD from everything in the past. We fight constantly and I’m definitely not innocent because I also start fights and call him names, and he does the same to me. I try to keep it away from my daughter but he does it in front of her constantly. I tell him to leave and he won’t. This is such a small amount of backstory there’s so much more to it.. We were arguing this morning because he was getting my daughter ready for school and I saw her face was dirty and I said “I should just get her ready every morning since you don’t even clean her face.” I know it wasn’t the right thing to say but I feel so depressed all the time and I just start fights for no reason sometimes. Anyway, he started screaming in my face and balled up his fists at me. Like I said when he does this it triggers my PTSD and I feel like I need to react first so that if it does escalate I have a chance of getting the best of him. I got my pepper spray and jumped on him and said if he doesn’t stop screaming and balling his fists up at me I was going to spray him. My daughter was in the room. He said “do it, do it.” I told my daughter to leave the room and I did it. I feel like I was wrong because technically the threat had already stopped and he was just standing there with his arms behind his back taunting me. And I still did it. I feel so bad. He looked like he was in so much pain. I’m so confused. Usually when you hear domestic violence stories the guy is some drunk with no job. This man works countless hours and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both.
  3. So I'm 23 and it was the day before I moved across the country so I stayed at my father and his new wife's house. The morning I was going to leave his wife went to work so my dad and I decided we should go to breakfast as we usually do. He came out in a towel and hugged me telling me how much he was going to miss me. He started rubbing my back, then he moved his hand to my lower back and went under my shirt rubbing my back. I tried to pull out of the hug as I felt super weirded out and uncomfortable. He then kissed me super soft and sensually on the lips (I've pecked my mom on the lips for years but never my dad). When he did this I tensed my entire body and try to pull away completely disgusted. He held me harder and tried to pull me back in for another kiss. I managed to turn my face so he kissed my cheek. I was in shock and disbelief so I quickly said he should get changed and we should get going before I had to leave and begin my move. I had every urge to drive away and not speak to him but the part of me that loves my dad stayed and thought that didn't just happen. I still don't know if this is considered abuse but I know it felt beyond wrong. I don't know what to do and haven't told anyone.
  4. I am a 23 year old female . I grew up within the African culture where spanking your child is okay , you got spanked at school at home so that was the norm. Moving to US was different , and I have always felt ok with being disciplined if I had done something wrong but I feel like there is things that are too far . While in highschool I was in the soccer team , both of my parents were very overprotective, I couldn’t really do anything hangout with friends , i had to lie even when I was going to hangout with my best friend sometimes. One time after school I had forgotten to mention that I had soccer practice and when I got home my father called me and my little brother to the bedroom and he was asking us why we didn’t let him know and it turned into a lecture he then proceeded to say “understood?” I was looking down at the floor and didn’t answer his question or say yes I understand ,next thing I know he stands up and put his hands on my neck and pushes me against the closet door and I answer yes. I had bruising on my neck and I remember the next day was church day and I got in the car with my dad and he promised never to do it again. So I let it go , nearing the end of my senior year in highschool I was getting into makeup and just enjoyed learning and putting on makeup . My dad did not like this as he somehow associated me starting to put on makeup with somehow me getting pregnant. Graduation day came and I put on make up and went for the ceremony . After we were going out to eat and the whole time my father complained about the makeup , and still associating it with me somehow ending up getting pregnant because of makeup , he then compares me to my biological mother and said some nasty things . The day was ruined for me and so I said I won’t be joining them for dinner , he came rushing back into the house pushed me on the bed and he put his hands on my neck and I remember the only thing I could do was bite his thumb, he was strangling me telling me I should stop being rude and just obey him and that the makeup is making me this way . After this event I had a swollen eye and nail marks all over my neck . Recently when I went home for the holidays he questioned why our relationship isn’t the best and I explained everything to him he then changed it up and said that never happened and that all he did was just place his hands on my neck and he didn’t press . He then proceeded to tell me to leave the house as I am the one causing problems in the family , he then mentions God and says it is the Christian thing to do to remove me from the family as I have disrespected him by speaking up . I left and haven’t spoken to him he recently sent me a message using God again saying he had a vision and wants me home for Xmas and he is the the man of the house , that I should listen and God had talked to him and If I don’t return then I will face distraction. I declined and said I won’t be coming back. The thing that frustrates me is my African family wants me to be the one to apologize because he is my father . He claims he never told me to leave and that he was giving me a “time out” to go back to my place and think about what I had done by disrespecting him . Denies ever asking me to leave , when he said words like “it’s the Christian thing to do to remove the bad seed from the family so the family can grow and he proceeded to tell me to leave and I did , my brother joined me . Every wrong he does he denies and says it never happened and at the end of the day I end up being blamed for everything as I am the oldest child of the family .
  5. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. She is renting a house and living with her adult daughter and her boyfriend plus her 17 year old son. I have a pretty unconventional lifestyle (vegan, minimalist, organic, no car, etc.) and she expressed a desire to become more environmentally conscious as well. However, her kids were raised pretty standard American and to avoid me feeling too judgemental about the wastefulness, or the kids becoming resentful of me when I am pushing for less wastefulness, we decided to wait to live together on my own property in my own tiny house until her son turns 18 and she will be an empty nester. After having some difficult conversations about this it felt like we were in a good place about it. In the fall of 2019 my partner, let's call her Ruth, who is a trauma therapist, told me that I should meet her client, let's call her Lisa. Lisa had been Ruth's client for more than a decade and Ruth told me that Lisa was the most traumatized person she ever met! Even though Ruth was still Lisa's therapist, they started to hang out together. Ruth and I love going on outdoor adventures and Lisa started to join us on a lot of those trips. At the beginning of covid Lisa was invited to be part of Ruth's family pod, because Lisa didn't have anyone else in town to be close with. Lisa is a therapist herself as well for traumatized kids and Lisa started to hang out at Ruth's house more and more, while I was working my seasonal job with a conflicting work schedule with Ruth's, so Ruth and I didn't have much time together during the work week. I brought up several times that I needed some alone time with Ruth as well and she kept on reassuring me that I was her person and her priority. Ruth also acknowledged that Lisa was too dependent on her and that the dynamic between them wasn't particularly healthy (Lisa has Ruth saved as "mom" in her contacts). I believe that Lisa is completely in love with Ruth and wants to use Ruth as an example of a good human being to model her life after, after all the traumatic experiences she has had. In the meantime Ruth was a bit freaked out at the beginning of covid and decided to buy a handgun for protection. She talked about that with Lisa, but didn't bring it up with me until she had bought the gun already. This was an indication that Lisa was becoming more of a partner to Ruth than me. Because Ruth realized that the situation with Lisa was becoming unethical, she decided to officially stop being Lisa's therapist, although she still counseled Lisa unofficially for at least a couple of hours every week. Ruth was compensated for that by Lisa helping out in the household and buying groceries for the family. Sometime last June Lisa started renting a room in the house, although she still kept her own place too (only because she had a dog there). I slowly became more and more frustrated with feeling like a third wheel in this situation. In July we went with the 3 of us on a backpacking trip. On the drive down small things kept on happening that made me feel more and more excluded, which made me somewhat irritable. This irritability caused an argument on this trip twice, during which I blamed Ruth for something pretty minor. This made her feel attacked and unsafe, mostly because of her own trauma background (she was in an abusive relationship with her ex for 20 years). At night, Ruth checked in with Lisa and they talked privately for a while, after which Ruth came into my tent. We processed the whole night and made some progress, even though I was shocked at some of the things she said to me. For example, she told me that she started drinking more after I once mentioned carefully that she might consider drinking a little less, but she just kept it hidden from me instead. It sounded like she was already not feeling safe with me for quite a while, even though less than a week before the fateful incident she told me that she was very happy to be with somebody who communicates well and is safe. After a night of processing she said she wasn't ready to break up with me yet. However, we had to invite Lisa into the tent and tell her what happened. As soon as Lisa came in she started calling me names right away (shamer, blamer, abuser, domestic violence perpetrator, narcissist and somebody who doesn't care one iota about other people's feelings). When I tried to respond I got shut down with remarks like "you can't claim ignorance as an excuse" and "you don't get to defend yourself, that is what all abusers do to deflect". Even though Ruth had just expressed to me that she wasn't ready to break up with me, she immediately fell in line with Lisa's way of thinking. It felt like an abusive ganging up on me (and that by 2 professional trauma therapists!): I was completely prevented from saying anything in my defense, while I was told in no uncertain terms that I am an incorrigible abuser who is doomed to a life of intense therapy to even have a chance to become a better human being. The conclusion was drawn and there was no space to create any other perspective on the situation than through the lens of trauma prevention and abuse, which means getting rid of me as soon as possible and not uttering another word to me on the long drive home, because suddenly I am not a safe person anymore. I suddenly had become Ruth's abusive ex. The next day I received an email from Ruth stating that I can't contact her in any form, ever. If I do, they would file a restraining order against me. I do believe that this is mostly Lisa's sentiment. Ruth and I seriously never had an argument before this happened and I felt completely solid in the relationship. In June of 2019, Ruth came with me to The Netherlands for a 2.5 week visit at my parent's expense to say goodbye to my dying mother. I felt so supported by her and everybody loved her. She said goodbye to my mother with tears in her eyes and promised my mother she would take care of me. This break up happened in the second half of July. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that 2 such minor incidents caused such a severe punishment. I am still in denial and completely heartbroken. Ruth's brother and his girlfriend did reach out to me about a week after the incident via text and told me they didn't believe that I am an abuser and asked me what happened. I sent them a long email with my explanation of what happened and expressed my concern about Lisa's influence on Ruth. Ruth's mother read that email as well. About a week later I was going to meet in a park with the 3 of them (mother, brother and brother's girlfriend) to talk more about what happened and the dynamic at play between Ruth and Lisa. However, somehow Ruth must have heard about that plan and decided to cut them out of her life as well, after which the family decided to stop communicating with me. Even after all this, I am still completely in love with Ruth and keep on hoping that she will come to realize that she treated me poorly and will want me back. Is this unreasonable, especially given the fact that Lisa and Ruth might now not just be emotional partners, but sexual partners as well? Given the fact that Ruth and Lisa are professional therapists, did they step completely out of line with allowing their relationship to develop like this? If so, do I have an obligation to bring them to the therapists ethics board, even though I have no desire to create more problems in Ruth's life (and I do believe she actually is a good therapist) and I firmly believe that Lisa is not malicious, but just acting from her damage? I feel like I want to force a family intervention, but I guess it is really not my place to do that.
  6. The abusive alcoholic Its been a while since i’ve been here but i need help. Im suffering as the guy i’ve been with for a year has been awful to me. Im embarrassed and ashamed. He is a functioning narcissistic alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge it. He says he drinks to relax. Well large bottles of straight liquor a day to me is not relaxing as one glass of wine is. He”s an angry drunk too. He refuses to spend time with me now, has poor hygiene won’t tend to his foot odor, won’t brush his teeth, spends only about 2 minutes in shower so he never really smells good, has verbally abused me, taken food out of my hand and thrown it to the floor and expected me to eat it he felt it was ok to eat it since it was still in a box. Im always to blame for everything. He said I was breaking him financially when he has never paid a bill of mine or bought me anything and we don’t Go anywhere so how is it me!?!? He said I was weak and fake when he’s the alcoholic (weak) and lied about how he wanted to do this and do that for me in the beginning only to never do anything but degrade me. He criticizes my food and praises the food of other mens wives. And honestly some of there food was bland. The gifts ive gotten him for birthday and Xmas were not worn because he said he already had clothes or he would question the item and say what made you buy that. So he was ungrateful as well. He got mad once because i never took him to meet any family other than my parents yet he’s always too drunk or smelly or working so how could i!??! I think he’s even gone to work after drinking because now he can’t operate the company machines anymore because they’ve been getting damaged. He got defensive with his boss about that and i think he’s guilty of damaging the machines. Typing this i see I have endured a lot and now its like i have to beg him for time when I really should be glad he doesn’t wanna be around but im at battle with myself and ashamed for allowing this and just wish he would see the person i am and have been to him. I want to block him without saying why i just want to be done without the feelings and tears. Who i met last year is noT who he is today so i feel like he was the fake one.
  7. Not sure how to tag this post. I'll keep it simple. Right now I'm male, 30 and in a loving relationship near 7 years. All 10/10 on that front. But lately I've been thinking about an ex ("Jane"), and the possibility that a very close friend of mine ("Mike") may have at the very least tried to hook up with her. This was like a decade ago. Suddenly I can't get it out of my head and I'm depressed and angry about it. I dated Jane in college for 2 years, where we were steady boyfriend & girlfriend until she decided she needed "time off". Felt like I was getting demoted and that suddenly I wasn't as important as she was to me. It was awful. She'd go off the radar for weeks with "friends" only to show up and pretend no time had passed. Tried it, hated it, broke up some months later. Maybe a week or so after I break it up and cut every tie, my friend Mike gives me a call in the evening. He's frantic and asks if I've spoken to Jane. I hadn't. He tells me he's coming over. We meet and he's in a state I hadn't seen him in before or since. Anxious, panicky, "dude this is serious" level of seriousness. Again he asks me if Jane had said anything to me (she hadn't). He relaxes a bit. We go have dinner. He explains that Jane had threatened to tell me Mike had tried to hook up with her. I reacted by choosing to believe Mike. Jane was an unstable person, especially in our final year together. She was loud, easy to anger, feisty (at her worst she threw things at me) and, I knew this too well, always making empty threats. Child of a physically abusive family and prone to substance abuse, too. It's not that I didn't have reason to believe Mike didn't have a thing for her. Me and Jane used to double date with Mike and his girlfriend. We were part of the same little group for so long, and Mike is this hopeless romantic who gets a crush on any girl who hangs in his vicinity for a while. Thing is by the time I broke up with Jane I hated her guts, wanted nothing more to do with her, saw this supposed threat as a final stab at making me miserable. But she never contacted me about it. All I ever got out of the situation was that Mike was panicked and ready to go out of his way to get to me before she did. 8 years later I'm obsessed with this past scenario for no real relevant reason. Mike is one of my closest friends and, outside my girlfriend, the only person I can spend on a videocall for over 2 hours in the middle of quarantine. I love the guy. But the uncertainty gets me. If I were to question him he wouldn't trust me anymore, and if he were to admit it I wouldn't trust him anymore either. I wish there was a way of confirming if he did try to get it on with my ex but all I have was his version of a thing my ex never brought up (nor did I ask: I've never contact her since). I moved on all these years and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. I hate being lied to and the possibility that my friend has been sitting on this lie all these years breaks my heart a little bit. What would you do in this situation?
  8. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  9. I have an ex girlfriend who I dated many years ago. I know that before I met her she was in a physically abusive relationship. I know her mother abandoned her when she was a kid and she has low self esteem, despite being very good-looking. I've always stayed in touch with her. At some point she got into a new relationship. At first I was happy for her, she wanted to settle down and have kids (something I didn't want at the time) and the new guy looked simple and down to earth. From a small village, normal job, comes from a big family, looked stable. Quickly moved in with her. I hoped for her she found ‘that guy’. But 1,5 years into their relationship she starts complaining that they fight a lot, and can't agree on anything about their future, kids, etc. Mostly on where to live, he wants country side, she wants city live. She eventually moves to a bigger city a couple hours away, on her own. Says she considers herself single again, because other things were also not great with him. I was happy for her she stood up for herself and took control of her life if she was unhappy. But for some reason she slides back into the relationship, him now staying with her half of the week sometimes. She says he kind of accepted her move but hopes she would at some point change her mind and come back to the country side. A few months later she asks me if a man can stop having any sexual desire for a woman but still say he loves her? She's in the situation now where he still sometimes stays with her but they behave like brother and sister. She feels rejected and insecure. That he destroys her self esteem. She complains that it even changed her way she behaves around other people. She also for some reason thinks she herself is to blame for all this. She says they fight a lot and she's constantly mad with him and maybe it’s her causing all this. That it’s her that’s the problem. That he sometimes sleeps at a hotel because they argue too much and she refuses to stay with him. That for her it’s really over, no matter how hard he tries. She says that she broke up with him many times already, but he just won't let her go. At the same time she describes him as a little spoiled but pretty down to earth, a nice person and quite sensitive. His parents adore him. It's hard for me to understand what's really going on here. The next year and a half they continue the cycle of breaking up and getting together repeatedly. She would say she calls him her ex, but he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And she would always slide back into the relationship eventually. He simply ignores the fact they broke up and keeps acting like they are still together. A few months ago, she was 'single' again and this time it was for real. She even invited me to come see her (she lives in a different country) and possibly get together again. It also felt like she needed a rebound? We got flirty again and I actually started to feel butterflies for her a bit again. Boyfriend seemed finally gone. But in the weeks leading up to us meeting (first convenient moment to travel was six weeks ahead) she started talking about her ex again: - that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she's at work to 'check if there's still pictures of them' and he would leave her a message. - that he brought her flowers - that he took her to the airport - that his father is ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it. - that she can't be y to him after all he did for her. - that she felt 'afraid' to slip back into the relationship again, because this is how it always goes: he just keeps acting like they are still together - that he asked her to stay with her in her house for one month because of a new job in her city and that she feels like she can't refuse it because he still pays part of her rent. I told her she was being very naif and asked how come she doesn’t see he's acting creepy and is just weaselling his way back to her? She then sends me a picture showing a big cut in her nose. Saying it was an accident at the gym. Eventually we meet but it was a big disaster. She kept picking random fights out of nothing, felt she was deliberately sabotaging our weekend. Then blames me for ruining the ‘chance’ she gave me/us. I left hurt and confused and tried to talk to her about what happened. She tells me that I should leave her alone and she's back with her ex: that she wants to give another chance to 'the person who has been there for her the past years' and then she blocked me. How must I interpret all this? Did they never really break up and was everything a lie? Or is she in an abusive relationship all this time? But then why would she still have me visit her eventually? Was this another failed attempt to get away from him? Should I be worried? Is there a moral obligation to take action? And what can/should I do? What’s going on here? I can’t ask her anymore as she broke off all contact. Thanks in advance.
  10. Hey everyone. I'm having an issue right now with my best friend. We're both in our mid 20's and have been best friends since we were 14. She recently met this 31 yr old guy at her job, he doesn't work there but he's friends with another employee and comes in daily to hang around his friend and my best friend. They've known eachother for a little over a month. From what I've heard from her and the texts I've read between them, he is VERY verbally abusive towards her and basically any woman he's ever been involved with. He will call her and other girls wh*res, b*tches, a ret*rd, etc.... very degrading names and MUCH more horrible things. He has joked about running her over in his truck, punching her in the mouth, knocking her teeth out, raping her, etc... They've hooked up a couple of times outside of work over the last few weeks and she is obsessed with him, will not stop talking about how great he is in bed, etc. She knows he is disrespectful towards her but continues to see him. I'm very worried because he refuses to give out his full name to her, but I found out his last name by searching his phone number online. I found an article from 10 years ago, he kidnapped a girl, punched her in the face, and attempted to rape her and was charged and sent to jail not for long. He claims it was his "cousin" who happens to have the same name... Obviously a lie, but dispite EVERYTHING he says to her that is abusive, all the proof, etc, she still tells me she "doesn't get that vibe from him" and isn't afraid of him. She tells me she needs to hear it from his mouth of what he did to that girl 10 years ago for her to walk away from him. I don't think she would even if he told her. She tells me at work, he will come in and call her names right in front of coworkers and customers. He will talk sh*t about her to his friends right in front of her at her job and she ends up crying over it and he claims he needs to treat her like sh*t at work just so his friends won't suspect that he is sleeping with her. I told her that's bullsh*t. He has a wife, kids, and another girlfriend and says if anybody found out he would kill her. I just got back from seeing her tonight, she was very intoxicated crying to me in her car about how she hates her life and doesn't care anymore about what happens to her. She also has a boyfriend (sort of) It's her child's father she lives with who also doesn't treat her very good. She feels trapped she said. She has unproteced sex with this new guy and tells me she really doesn't care if she catches an STD because she's going to "die anyways"... I don't know what to do... I feel helpless. I have so much anxiety after seeing her. I'm worried about her, because she only just started seeing him and it's already so bad. She told me she hopes they keep hooking up for at least another year or two. Everything I've said to her tonight about how she is worth so much and this guy is an actual psycho, she says she knows and she knows something bad will happen but she literally tells me she doesn't care at all. I don't know what to do. I don't want her getting hurt by this guy, or killed. She jokes saying "If I go missing, you know who it was." She has a really low self esteem right now, over the past few years. I know she's doing this bc she doesn't care about herself and I know only she can help herself. I just hate stanidng by and seeing it. I was in an abusive relationship and got out 2 years ago and have been single and healing by myself ever since, so seeing her in this breaks my heart.
  11. I was in a relationship with a woman who has been with a man most of her adult life. She comes from a different country where abuse is common in the culture. I would like to talk with someone familiar with abuse who can help me understand better. I’m stuck and don’t know how to carry on. I care for her deeply still and always will but You can’t help someone whose not ready to see that it’s not love. I’ve done research and I know many times they go back... which she has since done. This has affected me greatly and I’m haunted daily. Thanks
  12. I have been through so much in my life. 1. I am a victim of abuse and because of that I am unable to stand on my own two feet because whenever I see a powerful authority figure, I run away. I was slapped hard when I was little for all the little things I did and as a result, I don't have the mental capacity to defend myself and physically. I was slapped, beaten, threatned, verbally abused, locked into a room by my uncle, my mother and father - all because I didn't do what they asked to do. This might be what you call childish or naive but when you have been physically tormented, it affects you psychologically and apparently, being a guy, I am being told to suppress my feelings because I have to be the 'tough' guy. No course of justice and I am stuck here hahaha! All I can do is laugh away at the misery of life and then the distance crying starts... As a result of this amount of abuse, who now my parents have started to act all nicely to me, I don't really care anymore about what I want to be. As the years went by, I was bullied at school because kids thought I was gay because I was with my twin brother and we were looking out for each other. It's quite funny that I am as straight as you can be, but I have nothing against gays but in the 90s being gay was considered 'wrong' and it still is. Then I contracted thyphoid from an overseas trip - that was fun Then, I lost the sensation to the left side of my face and my hearing was almost lost Then I ran into a drunk pedestrian which I have to fork out funds to fund my jaw surgery and the insurance company wouldn't cover it. Don't ever hit a pedestrian. I sleep for 3 hours in most nights and have become ultra sensitive to everything and paranoia has set in because of this car accident and no way in hell am I going to take drugs because i know my root of my problems is the jaw. I then get a nasty surprise from simply asking if someone was single and had an order placed against me so I could never contact this person ever again - all because I asked if she was single, and shared a track I made. I know they say that nice guys finish last, but what's wrong with being nice? Now I am scared of even approaching anyone all because I might offend someone - is it because I am not some snobby white collar successful person that's of position of authority? Should I give up finding anyone?
  13. Until last night I had been in a relationship for three years and it was one in which I was always walking on eggshells and disregard my own wants/needs in order to avoid him lashing out. His moodiness was legendary (his mother even asked how on earth I put up with them) and whenever the slightest thing didn't go his way he would show aggressive tendencies, such as kicking a chair or making out like he was going to punch me. He would call me deeply offensive names (f*cking c*nt etc) if I disagreed with him over the tiniest detail. He never actually assaulted me, but I was always fearful of his reactions. This is just scratching the surface of his unpredictable, unstable behaviour and last night, after another show of aggression, I finally decided I was worth more. He was amazed that I wasn't going to stay over at his flat after the way he spoke to me and just as amazed that I felt his behaviour warranted an apology, so I gave him his key back and left. Due to his aggressive and abusive tendencies I was too frightened to break things off in person, so I did it today, in writing. I could have gone into all the reasons why I was breaking things off and been really nasty about what he's done to me, but I kept it to the point and civil and wished him well at the end. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him from being able to reply through all communication methods. I tried and tried with this relationship and when he was in a good mood we got on well, but I could never relax, knowing that he could turn at any given moment. As time went on all the effort put in was mine and I was tired of his unpredictability and aggression when I got nothing back - no affection, no "I love you", no nothing. Despite all that, I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?
  14. I recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was moving on nicely until a month later a saw that my ex was in a relationship on facebook. I suddenly felt obligated to warn her. He blocked me on facebook shortly after (probably to keep me quiet), and I blocked his number. I feel that I should message his girlfriend and warn her of the abuse I experienced and to look for signs. Should I go forward with the message or leave it be?
  15. My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.) I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly. When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts. I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?
  16. I just got out of a toxic relationship and a failed toxic friendship with my ex. He was extremely emotionally abusive, always snapped at me, always made me feel like I should feel privileged he's still talking to me, even after our breakup (he broke up with me) he still played with my emotions by keeping me constantly in his back pocket/radar. I wasn't innocent either but I feel like my negative qualities rooted from the mind games. We had a strong emotional connection where I could say anything on my mind, he is the first person I've let inside my head like that and it feels like I won't find someone better. Although I was unhappy in the relationship, I'm terrified that I'm letting my soulmate walk away. Logically I know we weren't compatible sometimes but I'm scared I wont find anyone else. I don't have friends or anyone else in my life to support me. When my relationship started getting difficult, I distanced myself from friends and family because I felt embarassed that I was being abused and ashamed that I actively wanted to him to stay and even begged at some point. I can't afford therapy but I feel worn out, damaged and alone.
  17. I need help to identify if this was a dangerous action from my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He is 28 and I am 27. My boyfriend is the sweet shy, type, but also playful and funny. He is usually very patient with me, and takes his time to listen, and has never threatened violence, or has ever abused me verbally, or pushed me to anything I dont want. However we do have our fights now and then. I am a really anxious girl and sometimes I take out my frustrations on him by just saying some mean things. And he is rather stubborn with his opinions and he really has a temper. Its all been relatively ok until today when Im not sure if this was a bad thing or not. We were arguing about something and I started to compare him to someone else and calling him stubborn. He was very upset and started comparing me with another person and calling out on my anxieties which he has never done. This got me very upset and so I got up and threw a sweater on his lap and just walked away. He walked towards me and very seriously looked at me and said “You do not throw things at me!” He placed the sweater next to me and again said “You do not throw things at me!” And I said “and you do not threaten me!” He stared at me for a bit and then tears filled his eyes and he said “Why did you do this?” And then I told him to go away. Afterwards he came back to where I was and said sorry and we talked the problem out. We solved the issue but I was still concerned about the threat part. Will this become abuse one day?
  18. This could potentially be quite long, however I would appreciate any guidance. When I was at school, aged 15, I was emotionally manipulated by one of my teachers who was a woman. I, myself, am female and it was an extremely confusing time for me as I had never had any feelings towards a woman before I had met her, aside from looking up to celebrities and other role models. The first time I met her she took me in so easily, I was mesmerised by her charm, her essence of being was something I had never seen before, so confident and bubbly. Anyway, after a month of having her teaching me, we started to 'connect' more with one another, through messaging each other in and out of school, seeing each other (me going to her classroom most days), her making jokes about me in class and treating me differently and making me feel so, so special. I had never felt so cared about before, I told her everything about me and I trusted her implicitly. I got to know her (or so I thought) over the next 10 months and we had developed such a close bond. I realised I loved her about 4 months after we got close and she knew this, though I had never explicitly said it. We had shared lots of moments between us, to which, a part of me felt she did love me too (in some way). I would do anything she wanted, be that, helping her around the school, doing extra work for/with her, she would call me such lovely things, like 'sweetheart', 'babe' and that she 'would always be there for me', 'whatever happened'. She would hug me, touch my waist, hold me, I comforted her when she was upset one time, she cried on my shoulder. I did see her outside of school and there were more instances but I a trying to be brief.Looking back now, I know she was a lonely woman at that time, however the fact she chose to use me is one which constantly confuses me. She was not always nice towards me,she was extremely unstable, one minute being lovely, the next literally shouting at me for nothing. It was extremely confusing, but we always made up in the end until one day when someone at the school decided to speak to the Headteacher regarding our 'relationship', I had to be called in to explain it, even though there was no way to explain whatever it was that we had. I loved her and wished to protect her as I was scared she would lose her job as she was completely unprofessional (I have been as brief as I can be in this post) so I said that I didn't know anything and basically refused to say anything as she meant everything to me. I was 15 and naive. The police were involved, to which, I again, repeatedly protected her, all the while, without me knowing she was bad mouthing me to everyone, saying I was 'obsessed' and 'weird' - To deflect the blame onto me. I did not know this until years later. Anyway, our 'relationship' was ruined, she was told that she wasn't allowed to speak to me at any time (She did, of course she did), that if she was a man she would have been fired and that I wouldn't be taught by her again. Even though she was told not to speak to me, she did, no wonder I was so confused. But it was never the same again, until I finished school. I have seen her in person on multiple occassions since I have left, but only I have driven past her, not actually being in the same place so I can speak with her. It has been a lengthy time period since this time in my life, however it is one which is forever engrained within me as it was such a traumatic event, and one that I have had help with, yet nothing seems to be able to stop me feeling guilty about it. I put the blame on myself because I protected her and then made myself look like the one in the wrong. If I had been 100% honest then I am sure that things would have been different. She is still in a position of trust and has climbed up the career ladder, so that makes me even more worried as I have zero evidence of anything she did. I just wanted to write it out on here the best I can. If anyone has any questions, I will be happy to answer any. I want to go to the police and state exactly what happened (there was nothing internal that happened to clarify) however I am concerned she will turn it around me and try to sue me for defamation which I have heard about in other cases. I am at a loss. Any advice would be greatly received. Thank you.
  19. Disjointed thoughts, rambles and some cliches in the middle: Many years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship. It was a few years during my most formative years that took decades out of me. This person degraded me on many levels and I went through hell. My closest friends and family know parts of the story, but what I think no one really knows was that I forgave what this person did to me (on an emotional level, not on a "lets get back together/lets talk" level I blocked and deleted this person from my life ever since and don't want to ever interact with them as I know he's toxic not only to me but to everybody. It's not important to me that he knows that I've moved on from the pain and don't hate him) much quicker than I forgave myself. What is there to forgive? There is the pain and sometimes "shame" of our choices to be with that person and not having self respect, it's the pain I caused to my family and friends with how self absorbed I was and how I treated them. It also took me a long time (and I'm still on my way) to forgive other things that came after when I took I deep look at myself. I had times in my life where I was selfish, self absorbed, had victim mentality and was even manipulative towards other people to get what I wanted. No, I don't consider myself abusive nor have I used people for material purposes, BUT I used people to feel validated. I used people to get attention. I helped people expecting something in return from them (love, attention, validation) instead of being truly selfless. I did things that weren't honest to myself just to put on an image. I fished for compliments. I strung people along just because I wanted to feel loved. I used my past (the abuse and other things that happened) to justify some of my bad actions or to play the victim expected to be coddled and excused. I was toxic to myself, I hurt myself, I didn't respect myself. I'm not proud. I many times didn't value the people who really valued me and were there for me, because I wanted to get love and attention from other sources. I "used" people to either fulfil my self prophecies and prove my "woo me" points or to re-enact situations of my past and try to rectify them in the present with people who had nothing to do with it and were unaware that they were "re-enactments" to me. I blamed people for not corresponding to my expectations or to not treat me as I wanted them to treat me. I blamed others for my shortcomings. I was immature pretending I was mature. I guilt tripped people on some level. I pretended to me a certain way expecting to please people. I was (and still fight not to be) a people pleaser not because I'm genuinely nice, but because I wanted people to like me. I wasn't following my truth many times. My path to become a better person had (and has) many twists and turns. Of course much of this I did unconsciously of what I was doing and it was things that I did over the years. But taking conscious of our actions and specially, our true intentions behind our actions is a brutal process. It's painful to see yourself for real, the beautiful and the damaged. I didn't know better, or even when I knew, I didn't have the strength to do better. But when we go through that process we gain great power... the power of truly gaining control over ourselves and our actions. But "with great power comes great responsibility" they say. And it comes... because now we really have to put thought into our true intentions and it hurts on a deeper level when we fall back to these patterns or when we don't act truthfully. Conscience hurts but at the same sets us free. It's brutal... it's uncomfortable. And only more recently I truly began to forgive myself and to try to be a better person just for the sake of being a better person and not because I want to SHOW I'm a better person or make people like me. Something that the user catfeed wrote in one of my threads struck me forever. It was about not letting the "hurt/traumatised child" of our past take control of our adult self. Regaining our control and truly take responsibility. It took a while to put it into practice. It takes effort and sometimes I slip. Forgiving is hard and even if we can't right now it's ok, it takes its time. We're all on different paths with different obstacles and lots of ups and downs. It's ok not having done better or known better in the past. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to try many times until we get it right. It's ok to have twists and turns along the way. It's ok if what was important in the past is not important anymore. It's ok if it hurts too much right now. It's ok not to be perfect and realising that opens our heart to true compassion for others and their struggles. You already got here, whatever "here" is for you... and that's amazing. We cannot change what happened in the past, only what we do with it. Never think you "got there", we're always evolving, but also realise that sometimes you've got much further than you thought. Every repetition of our patterns is a chance to learn the lesson, to see the same core situation through different perspectives, to do what we know best to get to the next. Do I always practice what I preach? Not always, but my goal is to do so more and more. One of my favourite movie quotes is "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path" (Matrix)... it hits me because more and more that's my life mission. I want to truly be more genuine day by day and to forgive myself little by little.
  20. My boyfriend and I were together for almost two years, we had serious plans for the future and were deeply in love. In February (while we were in bed) I told him about the sexual abuse I had suffered for most of my childhood (he already knew about it but I told him the whole story). I told him everything that happened and cried (for the first time in my life) about it. He held me, comforted me and told me how much he loved me. I told him that I’d accepted what had happened but I wouldn’t know how to handle it if I found out there were victims after me (since I never reported it to the police, my family were very against this). A couple of weeks later, I got a phone call from my parents that it had happened to someone else too. This was on the day I was throwing a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I broke down, cried hysterically and only my best friend knew since she was in the room with me at the time. I went ahead with the rest of the night (the cake ended up burning while I was crying) and some people made comments about it which I was quite touchy about. That night my boyfriend tried to leave but I had a panic attack about it, I was really scared of sleeping alone that night. He reluctantly agreed to stay and this was the first of many “crazy” incidents. In the following months I got progressively worse. I went from being a happy, positive and upbeat person to a depressed, clingy and insecure mess. I never found a right opportunity to tell him as he was very stressed with exams and job applications (it was his last year at university). A couple more months went by and I finally decided I wanted to go to the police with my case. I called my mum (for the first time in weeks, my relationship with her really broke down during this time) and told her this. We agreed that I’d do it after my exams and tell my boyfriend once his exams were done too. On the day of my last exam he broke up with me. Everything I had been holding in blew up and my reaction to the break up was really bad. I was so terrified of being alone, especially through something so difficult. The break up was bad (we both said and did dumb things). We met up three weeks after the break up and slept together twice. He then got really emotional and told me he thinks of me all the time and misses me. I told him I didn’t want to lose my best friend and he said I wouldn’t. After this he blocked me on everything and any attempts I’ve made to speak to him have been fruitless. I don’t blame him at all for the breakup, but the way he acted afterwards wasn’t nice. I personally wouldn’t treat someone that way but I guess I shouldn’t judge since I wasn’t in his position. A few months have passed, I’ve reported the abuse to the police and I’m going forward with the case. I’m also going to therapy so I’m in a much better place, I’m way happier too. I’ve lost a ton of weight and generally I’m the best I’ve ever been. Yesterday I ran into him after 2 months. He walked away as soon as he saw me so I went after him. He was really upset and I thought it was because he'd found out about everything (^) so I asked if he knew. He looked really confused and I ended up telling him everything. We talked for about 5 hours. It turns out, he hasn't been coping as well as I thought he was. He's actually far behind me in terms of moving on which is shocking because he ended things. I really thought he'd be over me by now. He said he'll always love me and always care for me. He said I was a good girlfriend and he's glad I was the first person he fell in love with. My question is, what should I do? I feel so guilty knowing that he hasn't moved on and is still in pain. He kept saying "there's just too many feelings". I feel like I shouldn't contact him and let him heal but at the same time i'm quite worried. I know we're not together anymore so it isn't really my place to contact him and see if he's alright but i'm unsure if not checking up is worse.
  21. Hello! Really need some advice on this! I am 29 and have been in 4 physically abusive relationships. In fact the last one tried to kill me. This was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since. I taught myself how to self love and work on ME! I am probably partially afraid to get back into dating because of my past as well. So about 6 months ago a guy comes into my life. I have known him for 10 years but we never got close like this before. He lives across the country and came out to visit me for a week. It was a very nice visit and the plan ended up being that he would move in with me 4 months later. Now this is the most loving, caring, considerate person I have ever met. The kind of person who makes the thought pop up "Do I really deserve someone like this?" Everything was fine actually, no complaints. Now I am seeing excessive phone calling, texting, asking why I didn't answer if my online status was "offline". I do have a special needs child so I am not near my phone all the time. I am a quiet person and I keep to myself. A day home watching movies and going outside to the playground is usually my routine. Sometimes I don't even touch my messages for days. I've addressed this with him stating that I feel overwhelmed with the online status checking and phone calls. He didn't understand but said okay. Later he says he understands. I was offline all day on facebook and skype. I went to the grocery store with my son. I come home and start to cook dinner. I sign into my X-Box and within 10 seconds get a phone call. Asking me what I have been up to and I could have told him where I was. I am used to being alone and not having to check in with people. I am pretty independent, but is that a bad thing? He has been told in the past by other people that he's clingy and "too much" I am worried that if he really does move in it'll get worse. Am I being unreasonable? Would love opinions outside of my own head.
  22. Warning long post. I normally would ask questions for myself here or atleast not post about my friends but some days ago something happened which drew me over the line. So a good friend of mine is in a relationship for a year now with a girl, she doesnt trust him as in when he went to a concert with a some friends including a girl that was a former love interest of him but she turned him down and she has a girlfriend, she asked a friend of mine to keep them away from each other even though thwy have no interest in each other. He constantly has to watch out what he is saying and doing, she does get mad at him for no reason and when they get a fight, its ussualy a big one. His mom once set him an ultimatum, or he would finish his theory pilot exams thats day on his computer or he goes to her and she'll cut funding(note he has been doing this for over 3 years now and it wasnt going smoothly and it had allready cost his parent 10.000 euros). He chose the pilot license funding but his girlfriemd replied on al kind of social media platforms how terrible he was and blocked him for couple days on everything, she does this every once in a while when she gets mad at him for sometimes no good reason at all. Now what drew me over the line, is we were planning to do a lanparty woth friends for months and set a date. Suddenly she decides that she doesnt like him to go because its a waste of money and she took advantage of him by planning a trip to a theme park in the middle of the lan party of 3 days(we do a lan party once a year) and knowing he has a hard time saying no because he fears a fight he would go. She even stated that she doesnt think we are true friends. Me and my friends allready had a bad felling about her from the start so we kept an eye on it but now when she is trying to keep him from friends so us we felt things were really starting to go in a dangerous way. We fear if they might break up he may not even have someone to fall back to because she would have driven him apart from us and she also cause tensions between him and his parents. Im really worried about this. Any advice?
  23. Over the last 8 years, I have been in 3 different relationships with approximately a month or two alone between each one. All of these have had some sort of abuse involved and my most recent relationship was the absolute most difficult to leave. I loved and still love my most recent partner very deeply. He is a recovering alcoholic, but throughout our relationship I tried to fix him. I begged and pleaded for him to start drinking and also tried to support him through the process. He continued turning the issues back on me and telling me that he did not have a drinking problem. After 6 months of emotional abuse due to drinking, I made the difficult decision to move out. We were both absolutely heartbroken by the decision. He binge drank for over a week and I focused on my career and doing what I could to get settled into my house. A little over a week after I left, he sent me a text message as an attempt to inform me of his efforts to recover. I have heard this from him countless times and was/am still skeptical but building trust in the process. He and I are currently on speaking terms and both of us are committed to working on ourselves as individuals with the hope that one day we can be with one another in a healthy way. Here’s my issue. I have recently began exploring the possibility that I exhibit symptoms of co-dependence. My counselor recently brought this to my attention and I am slightly obsessing over this theory. With my background and cycle of behaviors, this no longer shocks me. I am certainly intrigued and think that this may be the key to a healthier lifestyle for me. What I am hoping for from this discussion is the opportunity to read others stories or knowledge in regards to this topic. I have recently been exploring podcasts, Vipassana meditation, weekly counseling, online research and interviews. These seem to be helping a bit and have certainly expanded my knowledge and willingness to be open with the process. Does anyone have anything they can recommend that has helped them?
  24. Hey all, been a while since I've been on here, but I find myself in a new spot: I've been with my girlfriend (24) for 1 year and 3 months. When we first started dating, she had a meh job at a bookstore on a college campus. After a couple months of being together, she found herself a job at a law firm which she was really excited about. She worked there for about 4 months before quitting due to discussing the feedback she would get from her equals and boss being abusive. The way she discussed things made it seem like they were just jerks who couldn't own up to their own mistakes, and took it out on her. She left that job and worked a bar tending gig for another 4 months while finding another job at a construction place as office personnel. She loved her job there, but saw it as a dead end since it was a corporate company dissolving, and all branches becoming private. She felt the lack of a corporate ladder would be a hindrance. So while she was working, she would job search on the clock... After finding her current gig, she left her bar tending gig, and submitted her 2 weeks to the construction place. She was caught job searching at that place, so that bridge has been burnt. She opted to take another job at the mall I work at, in a different store. But quit that because she didn't want to work that much (totally understood, but wasn't a fan of her just quitting) She's been with this new job for about 3 months, and it's similar to the law firm, similar complaints. But the issue here is that we have friends who work the same company, and their perspectives of the job are WILDLY different. So her selling it as some toxic environment where she is just bullied is tough to accept. This time it's even more difficult since she is now on a PDP after making copious amounts of mistakes. So when consoling her, I do my best to hear her perspective, but am having a difficult time confronting her view/influence on the circumstances she is being handed. She has opted to be distant to anyone who has given her any form of criticism that isn't positive..... And the fact that she can't realy argue she is doing what she should sounds far too similar to what happened at the law firm. All of this info aside, my concern boils down to this: I have confronted her by stating that she should focus more on what she can do to make the circumstances she lives within better, but not just count losses due to her first real doses of feedback from her new job. Also not assuming everyone hates her just because they are paid to be in charge and give her feedback/acknowledge their mistakes. I also haven't denied any possibility of a toxic environment, but stressed that I don't work there, so I have no true objective perspective on what she is dealing with from the other side. This puts my thoughts of her stressing moving in together, and myself working on getting promoted/finding a higher paying gig after just graduating. I make enough to live minimally while paying my debts off, but when I mention the fact that we shouldn't push for moving in together just because it's sought after, but wait until we are both in a decent place; she just brings up the possibility of rough patches in the future. I don't disagree with that, but I also would rather prepare than just hope for the best, and only make the move when we both are ready and able I apologize if this isn't the clearest of statements/posts, I'm still sorting out these thoughts. Any input/discussion would be greatly appreciated!
  25. Hi I've posted here before ,been told my partner behaviour was abusive. I'm taking steps to leave but it's taking longer than I expected due to various factors, I rang a domestic violence helpline hoping to get practical advice but got told it's not abuse we are just incompatible! Please can someone online please define what's abusive, as I need it explained by people who know what there talking about so I can give details to organizations. I know a bit about abuse but not sure about all the terms so please can you help, I'm very distressed and want to leave asap but I need to understand abuse a bit better so I can explain exactly what's going on to the helpline s and authorities. He's said upsetting comments then said I'm being over sensitive ,made joke about things he's got annoyed with me over in the past example, I'm annoying hard to live with ECT then said he's joking playing around. When I was having severe allergy attack I needed to open windows he said I went mental opening window s he didn't like the way I did it,I told him I couldn't breathe as severe allergy attack throat closing before. When I asked him if he could mind my pasta while I finish my game said after cooking there a for princesses Madame in sarcastic tone.I only asked him as a favour nicely to help me. He got annoyed at me for saying I was disappointed about the weather being bad on our special day out together made joke then said I was being over sensitive . if he made cruel comments I said I was upset said I'm not doing anything your doing it to yourself. I said I feel like I'm walking on egg shells as I can't say anything without you getting angry he said he feels like he's walking on egg shells as I'm being too sensitive. He blocked my way from going out the door grabbed me by the neck and said we are going to talk about this. When I was distressed. Acused me of stuff I didn't and didn't mean to do as well then when I was having to explain said he hated the tone of my voice ,when I was upset then mocks made sounds of my voice when I was talking ,I said don't mock me don't tell me what to do he said. I made a spillage in the kitchen he cleaned it up I said I would have cleaned it up he said you wouldn't have ,when I was talking made noises mocked me saying he didn't need the drama.When I was crying hard , I was so distressed over his comments ,said I was mental. When I said please I'm begging you to go to gp as he needed help over his untold it's really affecting our relationship, he needed help over his behaviour ,he said beg beg I don't need the drama. He mocked me again said I bring out the worst in him that's why he behaves the way he dose. Said I was hard to live with as I mentioned a few dogs attacked me in the woods and I mentioned people being rude to me but he was sympathetic at the time,I don't mention that stuff or try so.hard not to mention any problems or issues I monitor what I say not to get him annoyed but I thought he would understand being attacked by dogs it was just sharing my day. When I talked to him he gets annoyed as he wanted time to him self I said I didn't know he needed time to himself ,I said he needed to tell me as so I know not to upset him or invade his space he said he didn't need to do anything.I was trying to be happy chatting a lot he said I was too much. I was trying to sound calm but still said about my tone.When I asked him to print some stuff off for me for the gp as they haven't listened to me and he was sympathetic to start with earlier said he would do it ,I asked him to print this out,I was preparing for appointment it's very important , he said don't impose it on him he did say I needed to Dr to understand as it might be cancer melanoma ,I was trying to get him to understand how important it was as I thought it might be cancer and have had horrible Drs who dismiss me,he said I had a attitude ,I said it calmly just trying to explain then said he's sick of hearing about moles and said I was being horrible.I said I didn't have an attitude just needed his support for serious issues. He said I don't have attitude what's with the t. I said about him turning what I say back to him he said it's defensive not manipulative. When I said I need to know what side I was of him as I didn't know he smiled and said usually to the right. He Said I don't know when to shut up but he doesn't listen then distressed me then I said he isn't listening then he asks me questions don't let me finish,mocks me then when I try to shorten conversation still says I don't know when to shut up. Says you done ,finished ? In sarcastic tone. When I tried to walk.away he got annoyed with the way i walked away I was showing emotion as I was distressed and angry at him for mocking me.gets annoyed at me if I show any emotion in my tone or during the day I try to hard to be calm but I can't be calm all the time. I try to be light hearted he still says I'm too much . If I said about this to him he says it must be me he doesn't have that problem with anyone else. He says he's trying to protect himself that's why he mocks me and is sarcastic. He said he dose it to stop him self from exploding. He said I make him want to smash me to pieces,he said he wouldn't do that. He tries to be nice ,ie I'm sorry to hear that or hope I have a good day.He said he dose care he doesn't have capacity to care.He said he cares immensely for me he says he dose respect me.He said he's lightening the mood when he jokes over serious stuff I said it's when I need him to be serious when I'm talking about my feelings. He sings about my upset feelings. He said I care too much.He said jokes that's were offensive e.g sexist raisist then said I have no sense of humour. Laughed at titanic Seane where people were hitting there bodies on the ship falling off. He called a bunch of old ladies the f word when they were walking zebra crossing , I thought it wasn't very nice they were old .He swore more then said would that do me in a angry way but then said he was joking. He said I wasn't ing talking to you ,then when I went up to say I didn't know he wasn't talking to me he said shut f up and hit me lightly then said it's not gbh .He said I drove him to it. He punched walls during times when I said he's being insensitive. He punched his a while back .then punched the table that he hurt himself on. He says he understands when I said about him being insensitive and mean and intolerant then he gets annoyed again over those things I said to him. He gets angry over anything I do ,then if I said about him being angry gets angry at me and says I didn't need to say anything. I'm scared to leave but I want to.He smiles give me presents after being horrible sometimes. He says he's trying really hard he will be sweet then horrible. I've tried to sound calm during conversations not to get distressed.I've not talked about my problem s.I've tried to shorten conversationalist all day, cooks special.dinners I've tried to keep out his way. I try not not ask for help only when I really feel I need it.He still says he's sick of my problems . He blames stress for his behaviour. I try to be positive as much as possible ,I'm traumatised by this all. But dose it sound like tramabonding I think he's okay now as he's being nice . He never used to be so intolerant I can't even be in the kitchen he gets annoyed and shoes me out saying I was in the way I was next to the fridge. I tried so hard to please him not to do what annoyed him . It's still not enough. There was a time when he was a lot nicer and patient.He shook me recently saying I was too close ? He didn't shake me hard but this scared me.
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