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  1. The issues in my marriage stem from my husband was married to a horrific hideous obese woman before me and it made me feel like I lowered my standards being with him. Yes I know it is a mentally messed up issue all on me but it is what it is. In return the issue caused me to welcome attention from other men to boost my ego , even though it never went further than just flirting. That caused a sick cycle. My husband would get mad resulting in fights where he would scream, cuss & call me every name possible to hurt me for hours on end even though I would ball up in a corner begging him to stop. This became a constant cycle for years. Even though my flirting stopped and I purposely do not have friends, because I don't want to expose anyone to his fights they have progressively gotten worse to physical abuse. Now to make matters worse when one of his fights happens and he goes outta control, he will go and broadcast everything bad about me to anyone he can find to listen, even posting publicly on social media how awful I am. He has said he will stop and has gotten a lil better but the fact is he did it in the 1st place. When his fights happen, they ignite from anything and it's like he is another outta control person that I don't recognize. What do I do stay and try to help him or run like hell cause someone like this can't change!?!
  2. first of all thank you for your time and, my english may not be that good but im gonna try my best im a 15 year old girl and i have a 4 years older sister (19) who literally starts punching me on the face and pulling my hair whenever i ask her to, for example; move away when im sweeping the floor or when i ask her to clean the mess she made with food on MY bed... like im not even asking her to do me a favor she just refuses to act like a decent human being, she takes "dont tell me what to do" to a whoooooole new level.. she gets so easily offended by literally nothing and thats her biggest insecurity i once called her a snowflake and she almost broke my nose lmao i regret nothing. and because of what. because she pushed me away when i was sitting next to her holding the laptop, reading the news about the BTS meal, and i asked her to search for the price and she got offended thats why i called her a snowflake and she was TRIGGERED 🙂 when it comes to decent respect to family members or people in general, shes a complete a*hole. shes not participating in the chores (i always have to do her part of the chores) plus she always act like we owe her something; using my things without permission and throwing it on the floor when i want it back... and much more. our little sister is 12 and she never interacts with her cuz she knows how of a psychopath she is, and our older sister sometimes try to pick on her as usual but i often stand up for her because im the one who knows her weaknesses and i just cant let her win. this s**t didnt happen overnight, she used to abuse me physically and emotionally when we were kids and i learned how to use it all against her, shes just projecting her insecurities on others and i make sure shes always reminded of how weak she is to act like that.. sounds manipulative i know, shes one of the mostly people on earth that i have 0 empathy left for her, i would say that is my coping mechanism, i always win at argument, so her only comeback is the hitting and thats the only thing she wins at, but that doesnt affect me as much as it affects her, i dont really feel anything when she hits me it just gets old.. no f*cks left to give thats it, and i know how much words trigger her so i would never keep my mouth shut bcz i can 🙂 neither of us is mentally stable at this point, but i try as much as i can not to let people go through what ive gone through, something she does the complete opposite of, and i love making the people of her kind have a taste of their own medicine the most important part, are my parents paying attention to this? yes and no. i feel like theyre doubting themselves for her being like this, because... no need to sugar-coat this, child abuse is so normalized in our culture and my older sister was so mentally affected by which made her ego so fragile... are they doing anything to help? hear me out, when my sister and i get into a fight im "the only one who they can communicate with, safely" and i just need to ignore her because "im more mature"... like she always throws a tantrum like a f*cking 2 year old, crying and screaming whenever they try to discipline her saying that "they are the reason why she is like this" no b*tch stfu youre just a snowflake and you trying to make us feel bad while youre the one who always starts it off and tries to get away with it like a weak ass bi*ch like how can any parents expect and consider the victim who is also the youngest, to be more mature? how does that make you feel about yourself as a f*cking 19 year old? it bother me most when i see them not incharge of all of this, it makes me think: "when is she going to cmmit dead and leave us all in peace?" i even get death threats from her and i get bruises on my body and my scalp is hurting af its literally a miracle that she didnt break any bone in my body yet and MY PARENTS ARE NOT HELPING I SWEAR SOMEDAY IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
  3. I’m not really sure how to word this. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I have a history of drug use with him but we have both been clean for almost 5 years since I had my daughter. The constant fighting and abuse hasn’t stopped though. When we were using he used to hit me but he hasn’t in quite a few years. However when we argue and he screams at me it really it triggers my PTSD from everything in the past. We fight constantly and I’m definitely not innocent because I also start fights and call him names, and he does the same to me. I try to keep it away from my daughter but he does it in front of her constantly. I tell him to leave and he won’t. This is such a small amount of backstory there’s so much more to it.. We were arguing this morning because he was getting my daughter ready for school and I saw her face was dirty and I said “I should just get her ready every morning since you don’t even clean her face.” I know it wasn’t the right thing to say but I feel so depressed all the time and I just start fights for no reason sometimes. Anyway, he started screaming in my face and balled up his fists at me. Like I said when he does this it triggers my PTSD and I feel like I need to react first so that if it does escalate I have a chance of getting the best of him. I got my pepper spray and jumped on him and said if he doesn’t stop screaming and balling his fists up at me I was going to spray him. My daughter was in the room. He said “do it, do it.” I told my daughter to leave the room and I did it. I feel like I was wrong because technically the threat had already stopped and he was just standing there with his arms behind his back taunting me. And I still did it. I feel so bad. He looked like he was in so much pain. I’m so confused. Usually when you hear domestic violence stories the guy is some drunk with no job. This man works countless hours and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both.
  4. So I'm 23 and it was the day before I moved across the country so I stayed at my father and his new wife's house. The morning I was going to leave his wife went to work so my dad and I decided we should go to breakfast as we usually do. He came out in a towel and hugged me telling me how much he was going to miss me. He started rubbing my back, then he moved his hand to my lower back and went under my shirt rubbing my back. I tried to pull out of the hug as I felt super weirded out and uncomfortable. He then kissed me super soft and sensually on the lips (I've pecked my mom on the lips for years but never my dad). When he did this I tensed my entire body and try to pull away completely disgusted. He held me harder and tried to pull me back in for another kiss. I managed to turn my face so he kissed my cheek. I was in shock and disbelief so I quickly said he should get changed and we should get going before I had to leave and begin my move. I had every urge to drive away and not speak to him but the part of me that loves my dad stayed and thought that didn't just happen. I still don't know if this is considered abuse but I know it felt beyond wrong. I don't know what to do and haven't told anyone.
  5. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. She is renting a house and living with her adult daughter and her boyfriend plus her 17 year old son. I have a pretty unconventional lifestyle (vegan, minimalist, organic, no car, etc.) and she expressed a desire to become more environmentally conscious as well. However, her kids were raised pretty standard American and to avoid me feeling too judgemental about the wastefulness, or the kids becoming resentful of me when I am pushing for less wastefulness, we decided to wait to live together on my own property in my own tiny house until her son turns 18 and she will be an empty nester. After having some difficult conversations about this it felt like we were in a good place about it. In the fall of 2019 my partner, let's call her Ruth, who is a trauma therapist, told me that I should meet her client, let's call her Lisa. Lisa had been Ruth's client for more than a decade and Ruth told me that Lisa was the most traumatized person she ever met! Even though Ruth was still Lisa's therapist, they started to hang out together. Ruth and I love going on outdoor adventures and Lisa started to join us on a lot of those trips. At the beginning of covid Lisa was invited to be part of Ruth's family pod, because Lisa didn't have anyone else in town to be close with. Lisa is a therapist herself as well for traumatized kids and Lisa started to hang out at Ruth's house more and more, while I was working my seasonal job with a conflicting work schedule with Ruth's, so Ruth and I didn't have much time together during the work week. I brought up several times that I needed some alone time with Ruth as well and she kept on reassuring me that I was her person and her priority. Ruth also acknowledged that Lisa was too dependent on her and that the dynamic between them wasn't particularly healthy (Lisa has Ruth saved as "mom" in her contacts). I believe that Lisa is completely in love with Ruth and wants to use Ruth as an example of a good human being to model her life after, after all the traumatic experiences she has had. In the meantime Ruth was a bit freaked out at the beginning of covid and decided to buy a handgun for protection. She talked about that with Lisa, but didn't bring it up with me until she had bought the gun already. This was an indication that Lisa was becoming more of a partner to Ruth than me. Because Ruth realized that the situation with Lisa was becoming unethical, she decided to officially stop being Lisa's therapist, although she still counseled Lisa unofficially for at least a couple of hours every week. Ruth was compensated for that by Lisa helping out in the household and buying groceries for the family. Sometime last June Lisa started renting a room in the house, although she still kept her own place too (only because she had a dog there). I slowly became more and more frustrated with feeling like a third wheel in this situation. In July we went with the 3 of us on a backpacking trip. On the drive down small things kept on happening that made me feel more and more excluded, which made me somewhat irritable. This irritability caused an argument on this trip twice, during which I blamed Ruth for something pretty minor. This made her feel attacked and unsafe, mostly because of her own trauma background (she was in an abusive relationship with her ex for 20 years). At night, Ruth checked in with Lisa and they talked privately for a while, after which Ruth came into my tent. We processed the whole night and made some progress, even though I was shocked at some of the things she said to me. For example, she told me that she started drinking more after I once mentioned carefully that she might consider drinking a little less, but she just kept it hidden from me instead. It sounded like she was already not feeling safe with me for quite a while, even though less than a week before the fateful incident she told me that she was very happy to be with somebody who communicates well and is safe. After a night of processing she said she wasn't ready to break up with me yet. However, we had to invite Lisa into the tent and tell her what happened. As soon as Lisa came in she started calling me names right away (shamer, blamer, abuser, domestic violence perpetrator, narcissist and somebody who doesn't care one iota about other people's feelings). When I tried to respond I got shut down with remarks like "you can't claim ignorance as an excuse" and "you don't get to defend yourself, that is what all abusers do to deflect". Even though Ruth had just expressed to me that she wasn't ready to break up with me, she immediately fell in line with Lisa's way of thinking. It felt like an abusive ganging up on me (and that by 2 professional trauma therapists!): I was completely prevented from saying anything in my defense, while I was told in no uncertain terms that I am an incorrigible abuser who is doomed to a life of intense therapy to even have a chance to become a better human being. The conclusion was drawn and there was no space to create any other perspective on the situation than through the lens of trauma prevention and abuse, which means getting rid of me as soon as possible and not uttering another word to me on the long drive home, because suddenly I am not a safe person anymore. I suddenly had become Ruth's abusive ex. The next day I received an email from Ruth stating that I can't contact her in any form, ever. If I do, they would file a restraining order against me. I do believe that this is mostly Lisa's sentiment. Ruth and I seriously never had an argument before this happened and I felt completely solid in the relationship. In June of 2019, Ruth came with me to The Netherlands for a 2.5 week visit at my parent's expense to say goodbye to my dying mother. I felt so supported by her and everybody loved her. She said goodbye to my mother with tears in her eyes and promised my mother she would take care of me. This break up happened in the second half of July. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that 2 such minor incidents caused such a severe punishment. I am still in denial and completely heartbroken. Ruth's brother and his girlfriend did reach out to me about a week after the incident via text and told me they didn't believe that I am an abuser and asked me what happened. I sent them a long email with my explanation of what happened and expressed my concern about Lisa's influence on Ruth. Ruth's mother read that email as well. About a week later I was going to meet in a park with the 3 of them (mother, brother and brother's girlfriend) to talk more about what happened and the dynamic at play between Ruth and Lisa. However, somehow Ruth must have heard about that plan and decided to cut them out of her life as well, after which the family decided to stop communicating with me. Even after all this, I am still completely in love with Ruth and keep on hoping that she will come to realize that she treated me poorly and will want me back. Is this unreasonable, especially given the fact that Lisa and Ruth might now not just be emotional partners, but sexual partners as well? Given the fact that Ruth and Lisa are professional therapists, did they step completely out of line with allowing their relationship to develop like this? If so, do I have an obligation to bring them to the therapists ethics board, even though I have no desire to create more problems in Ruth's life (and I do believe she actually is a good therapist) and I firmly believe that Lisa is not malicious, but just acting from her damage? I feel like I want to force a family intervention, but I guess it is really not my place to do that.
  6. The abusive alcoholic Its been a while since i’ve been here but i need help. Im suffering as the guy i’ve been with for a year has been awful to me. Im embarrassed and ashamed. He is a functioning narcissistic alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge it. He says he drinks to relax. Well large bottles of straight liquor a day to me is not relaxing as one glass of wine is. He”s an angry drunk too. He refuses to spend time with me now, has poor hygiene won’t tend to his foot odor, won’t brush his teeth, spends only about 2 minutes in shower so he never really smells good, has verbally abused me, taken food out of my hand and thrown it to the floor and expected me to eat it he felt it was ok to eat it since it was still in a box. Im always to blame for everything. He said I was breaking him financially when he has never paid a bill of mine or bought me anything and we don’t Go anywhere so how is it me!?!? He said I was weak and fake when he’s the alcoholic (weak) and lied about how he wanted to do this and do that for me in the beginning only to never do anything but degrade me. He criticizes my food and praises the food of other mens wives. And honestly some of there food was bland. The gifts ive gotten him for birthday and Xmas were not worn because he said he already had clothes or he would question the item and say what made you buy that. So he was ungrateful as well. He got mad once because i never took him to meet any family other than my parents yet he’s always too drunk or smelly or working so how could i!??! I think he’s even gone to work after drinking because now he can’t operate the company machines anymore because they’ve been getting damaged. He got defensive with his boss about that and i think he’s guilty of damaging the machines. Typing this i see I have endured a lot and now its like i have to beg him for time when I really should be glad he doesn’t wanna be around but im at battle with myself and ashamed for allowing this and just wish he would see the person i am and have been to him. I want to block him without saying why i just want to be done without the feelings and tears. Who i met last year is noT who he is today so i feel like he was the fake one.
  7. Not sure how to tag this post. I'll keep it simple. Right now I'm male, 30 and in a loving relationship near 7 years. All 10/10 on that front. But lately I've been thinking about an ex ("Jane"), and the possibility that a very close friend of mine ("Mike") may have at the very least tried to hook up with her. This was like a decade ago. Suddenly I can't get it out of my head and I'm depressed and angry about it. I dated Jane in college for 2 years, where we were steady boyfriend & girlfriend until she decided she needed "time off". Felt like I was getting demoted and that suddenly I wasn't as important as she was to me. It was awful. She'd go off the radar for weeks with "friends" only to show up and pretend no time had passed. Tried it, hated it, broke up some months later. Maybe a week or so after I break it up and cut every tie, my friend Mike gives me a call in the evening. He's frantic and asks if I've spoken to Jane. I hadn't. He tells me he's coming over. We meet and he's in a state I hadn't seen him in before or since. Anxious, panicky, "dude this is serious" level of seriousness. Again he asks me if Jane had said anything to me (she hadn't). He relaxes a bit. We go have dinner. He explains that Jane had threatened to tell me Mike had tried to hook up with her. I reacted by choosing to believe Mike. Jane was an unstable person, especially in our final year together. She was loud, easy to anger, feisty (at her worst she threw things at me) and, I knew this too well, always making empty threats. Child of a physically abusive family and prone to substance abuse, too. It's not that I didn't have reason to believe Mike didn't have a thing for her. Me and Jane used to double date with Mike and his girlfriend. We were part of the same little group for so long, and Mike is this hopeless romantic who gets a crush on any girl who hangs in his vicinity for a while. Thing is by the time I broke up with Jane I hated her guts, wanted nothing more to do with her, saw this supposed threat as a final stab at making me miserable. But she never contacted me about it. All I ever got out of the situation was that Mike was panicked and ready to go out of his way to get to me before she did. 8 years later I'm obsessed with this past scenario for no real relevant reason. Mike is one of my closest friends and, outside my girlfriend, the only person I can spend on a videocall for over 2 hours in the middle of quarantine. I love the guy. But the uncertainty gets me. If I were to question him he wouldn't trust me anymore, and if he were to admit it I wouldn't trust him anymore either. I wish there was a way of confirming if he did try to get it on with my ex but all I have was his version of a thing my ex never brought up (nor did I ask: I've never contact her since). I moved on all these years and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. I hate being lied to and the possibility that my friend has been sitting on this lie all these years breaks my heart a little bit. What would you do in this situation?
  8. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  9. I have an ex girlfriend who I dated many years ago. I know that before I met her she was in a physically abusive relationship. I know her mother abandoned her when she was a kid and she has low self esteem, despite being very good-looking. I've always stayed in touch with her. At some point she got into a new relationship. At first I was happy for her, she wanted to settle down and have kids (something I didn't want at the time) and the new guy looked simple and down to earth. From a small village, normal job, comes from a big family, looked stable. Quickly moved in with her. I hoped for her she found ‘that guy’. But 1,5 years into their relationship she starts complaining that they fight a lot, and can't agree on anything about their future, kids, etc. Mostly on where to live, he wants country side, she wants city live. She eventually moves to a bigger city a couple hours away, on her own. Says she considers herself single again, because other things were also not great with him. I was happy for her she stood up for herself and took control of her life if she was unhappy. But for some reason she slides back into the relationship, him now staying with her half of the week sometimes. She says he kind of accepted her move but hopes she would at some point change her mind and come back to the country side. A few months later she asks me if a man can stop having any sexual desire for a woman but still say he loves her? She's in the situation now where he still sometimes stays with her but they behave like brother and sister. She feels rejected and insecure. That he destroys her self esteem. She complains that it even changed her way she behaves around other people. She also for some reason thinks she herself is to blame for all this. She says they fight a lot and she's constantly mad with him and maybe it’s her causing all this. That it’s her that’s the problem. That he sometimes sleeps at a hotel because they argue too much and she refuses to stay with him. That for her it’s really over, no matter how hard he tries. She says that she broke up with him many times already, but he just won't let her go. At the same time she describes him as a little spoiled but pretty down to earth, a nice person and quite sensitive. His parents adore him. It's hard for me to understand what's really going on here. The next year and a half they continue the cycle of breaking up and getting together repeatedly. She would say she calls him her ex, but he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And she would always slide back into the relationship eventually. He simply ignores the fact they broke up and keeps acting like they are still together. A few months ago, she was 'single' again and this time it was for real. She even invited me to come see her (she lives in a different country) and possibly get together again. It also felt like she needed a rebound? We got flirty again and I actually started to feel butterflies for her a bit again. Boyfriend seemed finally gone. But in the weeks leading up to us meeting (first convenient moment to travel was six weeks ahead) she started talking about her ex again: - that he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she's at work to 'check if there's still pictures of them' and he would leave her a message. - that he brought her flowers - that he took her to the airport - that his father is ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it. - that she can't be y to him after all he did for her. - that she felt 'afraid' to slip back into the relationship again, because this is how it always goes: he just keeps acting like they are still together - that he asked her to stay with her in her house for one month because of a new job in her city and that she feels like she can't refuse it because he still pays part of her rent. I told her she was being very naif and asked how come she doesn’t see he's acting creepy and is just weaselling his way back to her? She then sends me a picture showing a big cut in her nose. Saying it was an accident at the gym. Eventually we meet but it was a big disaster. She kept picking random fights out of nothing, felt she was deliberately sabotaging our weekend. Then blames me for ruining the ‘chance’ she gave me/us. I left hurt and confused and tried to talk to her about what happened. She tells me that I should leave her alone and she's back with her ex: that she wants to give another chance to 'the person who has been there for her the past years' and then she blocked me. How must I interpret all this? Did they never really break up and was everything a lie? Or is she in an abusive relationship all this time? But then why would she still have me visit her eventually? Was this another failed attempt to get away from him? Should I be worried? Is there a moral obligation to take action? And what can/should I do? What’s going on here? I can’t ask her anymore as she broke off all contact. Thanks in advance.
  10. Hey everyone. I'm having an issue right now with my best friend. We're both in our mid 20's and have been best friends since we were 14. She recently met this 31 yr old guy at her job, he doesn't work there but he's friends with another employee and comes in daily to hang around his friend and my best friend. They've known eachother for a little over a month. From what I've heard from her and the texts I've read between them, he is VERY verbally abusive towards her and basically any woman he's ever been involved with. He will call her and other girls wh*res, b*tches, a ret*rd, etc.... very degrading names and MUCH more horrible things. He has joked about running her over in his truck, punching her in the mouth, knocking her teeth out, raping her, etc... They've hooked up a couple of times outside of work over the last few weeks and she is obsessed with him, will not stop talking about how great he is in bed, etc. She knows he is disrespectful towards her but continues to see him. I'm very worried because he refuses to give out his full name to her, but I found out his last name by searching his phone number online. I found an article from 10 years ago, he kidnapped a girl, punched her in the face, and attempted to rape her and was charged and sent to jail not for long. He claims it was his "cousin" who happens to have the same name... Obviously a lie, but dispite EVERYTHING he says to her that is abusive, all the proof, etc, she still tells me she "doesn't get that vibe from him" and isn't afraid of him. She tells me she needs to hear it from his mouth of what he did to that girl 10 years ago for her to walk away from him. I don't think she would even if he told her. She tells me at work, he will come in and call her names right in front of coworkers and customers. He will talk sh*t about her to his friends right in front of her at her job and she ends up crying over it and he claims he needs to treat her like sh*t at work just so his friends won't suspect that he is sleeping with her. I told her that's bullsh*t. He has a wife, kids, and another girlfriend and says if anybody found out he would kill her. I just got back from seeing her tonight, she was very intoxicated crying to me in her car about how she hates her life and doesn't care anymore about what happens to her. She also has a boyfriend (sort of) It's her child's father she lives with who also doesn't treat her very good. She feels trapped she said. She has unproteced sex with this new guy and tells me she really doesn't care if she catches an STD because she's going to "die anyways"... I don't know what to do... I feel helpless. I have so much anxiety after seeing her. I'm worried about her, because she only just started seeing him and it's already so bad. She told me she hopes they keep hooking up for at least another year or two. Everything I've said to her tonight about how she is worth so much and this guy is an actual psycho, she says she knows and she knows something bad will happen but she literally tells me she doesn't care at all. I don't know what to do. I don't want her getting hurt by this guy, or killed. She jokes saying "If I go missing, you know who it was." She has a really low self esteem right now, over the past few years. I know she's doing this bc she doesn't care about herself and I know only she can help herself. I just hate stanidng by and seeing it. I was in an abusive relationship and got out 2 years ago and have been single and healing by myself ever since, so seeing her in this breaks my heart.
  11. I was in a relationship with a woman who has been with a man most of her adult life. She comes from a different country where abuse is common in the culture. I would like to talk with someone familiar with abuse who can help me understand better. I’m stuck and don’t know how to carry on. I care for her deeply still and always will but You can’t help someone whose not ready to see that it’s not love. I’ve done research and I know many times they go back... which she has since done. This has affected me greatly and I’m haunted daily. Thanks
  12. I have been through so much in my life. 1. I am a victim of abuse and because of that I am unable to stand on my own two feet because whenever I see a powerful authority figure, I run away. I was slapped hard when I was little for all the little things I did and as a result, I don't have the mental capacity to defend myself and physically. I was slapped, beaten, threatned, verbally abused, locked into a room by my uncle, my mother and father - all because I didn't do what they asked to do. This might be what you call childish or naive but when you have been physically tormented, it affects you psychologically and apparently, being a guy, I am being told to suppress my feelings because I have to be the 'tough' guy. No course of justice and I am stuck here hahaha! All I can do is laugh away at the misery of life and then the distance crying starts... As a result of this amount of abuse, who now my parents have started to act all nicely to me, I don't really care anymore about what I want to be. As the years went by, I was bullied at school because kids thought I was gay because I was with my twin brother and we were looking out for each other. It's quite funny that I am as straight as you can be, but I have nothing against gays but in the 90s being gay was considered 'wrong' and it still is. Then I contracted thyphoid from an overseas trip - that was fun Then, I lost the sensation to the left side of my face and my hearing was almost lost Then I ran into a drunk pedestrian which I have to fork out funds to fund my jaw surgery and the insurance company wouldn't cover it. Don't ever hit a pedestrian. I sleep for 3 hours in most nights and have become ultra sensitive to everything and paranoia has set in because of this car accident and no way in hell am I going to take drugs because i know my root of my problems is the jaw. I then get a nasty surprise from simply asking if someone was single and had an order placed against me so I could never contact this person ever again - all because I asked if she was single, and shared a track I made. I know they say that nice guys finish last, but what's wrong with being nice? Now I am scared of even approaching anyone all because I might offend someone - is it because I am not some snobby white collar successful person that's of position of authority? Should I give up finding anyone?
  13. Until last night I had been in a relationship for three years and it was one in which I was always walking on eggshells and disregard my own wants/needs in order to avoid him lashing out. His moodiness was legendary (his mother even asked how on earth I put up with them) and whenever the slightest thing didn't go his way he would show aggressive tendencies, such as kicking a chair or making out like he was going to punch me. He would call me deeply offensive names (f*cking c*nt etc) if I disagreed with him over the tiniest detail. He never actually assaulted me, but I was always fearful of his reactions. This is just scratching the surface of his unpredictable, unstable behaviour and last night, after another show of aggression, I finally decided I was worth more. He was amazed that I wasn't going to stay over at his flat after the way he spoke to me and just as amazed that I felt his behaviour warranted an apology, so I gave him his key back and left. Due to his aggressive and abusive tendencies I was too frightened to break things off in person, so I did it today, in writing. I could have gone into all the reasons why I was breaking things off and been really nasty about what he's done to me, but I kept it to the point and civil and wished him well at the end. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him from being able to reply through all communication methods. I tried and tried with this relationship and when he was in a good mood we got on well, but I could never relax, knowing that he could turn at any given moment. As time went on all the effort put in was mine and I was tired of his unpredictability and aggression when I got nothing back - no affection, no "I love you", no nothing. Despite all that, I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?
  14. I recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was moving on nicely until a month later a saw that my ex was in a relationship on facebook. I suddenly felt obligated to warn her. He blocked me on facebook shortly after (probably to keep me quiet), and I blocked his number. I feel that I should message his girlfriend and warn her of the abuse I experienced and to look for signs. Should I go forward with the message or leave it be?
  15. My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.) I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly. When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts. I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?
  16. On Tuesday, my Grandpa died. He was the smartest man I knew. Out of everyone I could have had as a hero, he was mine. He came off as a stern man, but underneath it all he was a real sweet man. He loved to hunt and fish and knew everything about everything, or I sure thought so. Today was the funeral, it didn't even look like him, they put way too much make up on him. I got 3 roses that layed on top of his...whatever you call it. I sit here crying tonight thinking about him, knowing I'll never get to see him again, I'll never get to go fishing with him again, and he'll never teach me how to water ski. But I do know, that he is in Heaven, that he isn't suffering anymore, that his life was well lived and he is in a much better place now. Then, I have a friend, who abuses her body. I think of it as abusing. Because she just has sex with pretty much whoever. Sure there are some people she wouldn't but she is 15 and has had sex with 8 or 9 guys. She gives them what they want. And she doesn't have to. She deserves better. I'm worried about her. And I sit here crying because I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I can't help her until she is willing to help herself. I told her what I thought because I got sick of sitting on the sidelines, without saying a word. Then she went out with a guy 20 minutes later. I told her she didn't have to, she could take it back. She said she already said yes and that she was lonely. Well I am too. But she went. What can I do? I know there is something better for her. God didn't put her here for her to live her life this way. She doesn't believe in God, by the way. under*
  17. I have posted a few time after going through hell with my bf for 3yrs we broke up a few days ago. He gave me no reasons told me he was over it and that he didnt love me and hasnt for a long time. He was very distant when i asked why he jus dismissed me. So i thought i had better not make a fool of myself and went on my merry way. Needless to say it feels like i have been crying for three days i have forgotten what food is and when sleep does finally come i dream of him. Anyway he rang me yesterday on a private number and said that he is sorry and the reason he broke up with me was because he could never marry me anyway (he is muslim and i am christian) and he was making up excuses to make me let go. This hurt me even more because he dragged me along for so long so i politely excused myself from the conversation and am hoping he doesnt cause any trouble for me. Im finding it so hard after 3yrs of being togther every day to nothing. I kno i am better off without him, he cheated on me, he called me names and he was abusive. But i got so used to hanging out for any scrap of affection i became more attatched. How do i stop crying and move on with life and forget about him?
  18. I want out of my relationship so bad. I am so scared. I am scared to leave because my bf is so violent. I'm scared that he will hurt my family if I leave him. The only way out is for me to hurt myself. I can't take the pain and abuse any longer. I just want out and I don't see any other way to do it.
  19. I just lived a lifetime soap opera in the span of 4 months. Now I know that some may brush off 4 months as not being much time to really establish a serious relationship, but in this case things got very close very quickly. A little background about her and how we met: Out of the blue I had a girl I used to go to school with recognize my ad on the Yahoo personals. It would be an understatement to say that we grew very close very quickly! Started out talking on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a night for the first 2 weeks, before we ever met. It turned out that she had just left a 6 year abusive relationship. Bad enough that he hit her and threw her around a couple of times, but the mental abuse was even worse! A few highlights, or shall I say low lights of their relationship: 2 abortions, the abuser suing her two brothers after they beat him up after learning of the physical abuse, he made a list of the ex-boyfriends she had sex with from past relationships and sent copies to each ex-boyfriend, pushed his way into her Mom's house and trashed the place, ect... The most perplexing thing of all of this is that they continually kept getting back together with each other, so I know it's as much her fault as it was his. Not to say she has any blame for the initial abuse, but still stunned as to why she keeps going back. One other nugget of info, she's a drop dead gorgeous, 38 year old woman, and he's a very overweight, un-attractive 41 year old guy. Safe to say, he couldn't find another girl like her in a million years; and he still treated her like dirt. So 2 months into this relationship, things were going phenomenal in all aspects of the relationship! I'm loving life because I was fortunate to meet someone I knew in high school, that by all appearances was beautiful, intelligent, had a good job, and who's personality just clicked with mine from the start. One Saturday morning we were discussing the possible financing of a new house and 3 hours later, she's an emotional mess who doesn't resemble the person I knew at all. To cut to the chase, 2 days later she tells me she wants out of the relationship. She was going back to the abuser! Seems she had to try one more time with him for every dream her and I planned on. Talk about being used! I was angry, disappointed, hurt, and confused. I had a couple 10 minute conversations with her and sent her a couple of emails. I never at any time asked her to come back or pleaded in any way. The only points I stressed were what a disaster this guy's been to her for 6 years and that she was about to lose every dream she had by letting him screw her life up once and for all. Her response was basically cold, heartless, unfeeling, and dismissive. So I threw up my my hands and walked away from it. Two weeks later there is a crying, absolute hysterical, phone message left on my machine saying, "everything you said that would happen is happening, you were right, I just wanted you to know that you were right". After two short dates with the ex he started up with the mental abuse and she broke down suddenly realizing the gravity of everything she did, and how horrible she treated me. Maybe a mistake, but I tried calling her back and got no answer, she had turned off the answering machine and let the phone ring. As much as I was disgusted with her and happy that everything blew up in her face, the exteme sounding message on my machine had me worried for her safety. Yes I thought he may of beat her again; and if he did she wouldn't call to tell anyone about it. So I take a ride to her house to check on her. Physically she is okay, but I still had a few things on my mind and I rip into her about how bad she treated me, how this guy is going to destroy her if he hasn't already, and what a mistake she made not giving our relationship enough time. Lo an behold, the next night there's a thank you message left on my machine. My biggest mistake, returning the call! We get back together (yup I was the rebound guy) and now things are full bore ahead. We set time frames and discuss details on getting married, buying a house together, and having a baby. Everything seems to clear sailing for 3 weeks, and then boom, that mean, cold hearted woman, that I first met during the first breakup rears her ugly head. Suddenly she has a comment and criticism about everything I or anyone else around her does. Extreme mood shifts that seem to occour hour to hour! We spend a wonderful Christmas together, couldn't of went any better until late that night when it all fell apart. During the first breakup, after she dumped me, I told her during one of our phone calls that before all of this garbage went down, I was planning on proposing to her on Christmas or New Year's Eve. At the time I told her she brushed it off like it was nothing. But later that Christmas night, she breaks down in tears. When I ask why the tears, she tells me that, "she thought I was going to propose to her", and that she thought I didn't want her anymore because of what had happened with the ex-boyfriend. I assured her, that the 2 things I wanted most in the world were to marry her and have a baby with her. I assured her that not getting the proposal that night meant nothing, that I had other plans in the works, and I did! Next day starts off and she's very affectionate. Curls up on me and tells me that she loves me, so everything seemed to be okay. A couple hours pass and here comes that mean and nasty personality again. Having had enough of the attitude from her, I start to give it back to her. Nothing nasty mind you, just a rebuke of her attitude when she gets in these nasty moods and I leave. I leave a message for her that night, and no response. Call her at work the next day, says she can't talk and will call me back, but never does. Call her at home the next afternoon, and out it comes. "I want to be alone"! Blames it all on herself and her mood swings, yes this is a girl who is on depression medication. Being totally stunned and stung once again, I'm speechless and don't say the things I want to say. So like the last breakup I send the proverbial two emails. Neither email asks her to come back. The email was to inform her that the propsal she was so upset about not getting was scheduled to happen on Valentine's day and the other email was a let me get it off my chest email. Though the second email wasn't nasty, it was brutally honest and I stand by everything I wrote. No respone to either email. I let a week pass and pick up the phone. I don't want to ask her back, I just want to know how you go from tears and planning a life with someone, to not wanting to see them anymore. She picks up the phone and again is cold and heartless. You would've never known I was the guy she was planning a life with a few days back! She doesn't want to talk at all, I can't even get the question in before she hangs up. Call me a glutton for punishment, but given how close we were and the plans we had, I thought I was owed and honest explination. Disgusted by the whole experience I take the dog for a walk. When I return, there is a long message left on my machine. Not a nasty message, just a list of reasons on why she wanted out. They were: 1)She doesn't like herself when she is with me. She feels guilty acting nasty at times when she is with me because I don't act like that with her; 2) She siad, "It just wasn't there at the end" and that she fell for the things we talked about faster than she fell for me 3) That she could never be the person I wanted her to be and it was causing her more stress. I never asked her to be anyone but herself, but I would call her on things when she was rude; 4) That I never really knew the real her (inferring that these mood swings is who she is; 4) That she wants me to find someone else. Now every fibre of my brain says, run away, and run away fast! Yet I'm sick. I saw everything that could've and should've been get tossed away. Now like so many I sit on that seesaw of emotions. What went wrong so fast. How do you break down in tears because you expected a proposal and than cast someone off as though they had no meaning in your life? I'm a realist and know that things were going to have to change with her even if we stayed together. The mood swing were becoming extreme and worse yet, they were over minor things. The hardest part is that I saw her during some really great and happy times, and this person I've seen these 2 times seems like a stranger. Yet this was the same stranger that days later called me with that hysterical message and then called me the next night asking if and how she could patch things up. So when she tells me the things on the message, are they to be believed or is this just how she feels for this 2 or 3 week period? I know you can't make someone come back to you, and I've never tried with her, she came back on her own accord. Now I'm sick and know the only ting I can do is let her go. The last contact we had was 5 days ago when she left her message. I know any contact from here on out from me will have the opposite effect. The only odd thing is that she owes me a small amount of money that she has promised to have to me by the middle of February. Beyond the No Contact rule, I'm at a loss on how to play this one. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate the input. Sorry for the length of this message, but it actually feels a little better just typing it out for others to see.
  20. I am 25 years old and living in Tennessee. All of my life i have been really spoiled (more a less), I havnt had all that great of a childhood. If a childhood at ALL... Going through sexual abuse, physcial abuse and verbal abuse... Like you aint worth crap! But now it is absolutely falling down on me like bricks. I have been hooked on Drugs and Alcohol for about 5 years. I have been clean 6 months now. I go to counseling, pyschiatrist, shrinks, case managers. A/A! Nothing seems to lighten me up and make me feel better. The depression is horrible. I have a g/f that I have been with for 2 yeares. She is 6 months clean also. She lives with her dead husbands parents and her depression is really crazy! The deal is I still live with my parents and the tense surroundings are about to drive me to the edge. There is no couragement. I have no job and when I do have a job they usually make me late just about everyday. My g/f is good at taking me and picking me up but she is not allowed anywhere near my house because of parents and brothers that live 40 miles away say if they catch her around me they will hurt her. So i havnt seen none of my brothers in over a year. They are very selfish and dont care about nothing but themselves. It hurts me BAD!! I have told DR after DR I suffer from extreme anxiety. Sitting here right now thinking of who is going to read this makes me extremely sick to my stomach. I cant go on no more like this. I have spoken to my g/f cause we are having problems. I am not capable of taking care of her at the moment. I have no motivation what so ever. I have had over 200 jobs in 7 years. Never once held one more than a week. Most people would say go ahead and kill yourself you aint worth crap!!! I have showed a little interest in college for Law Enforcement. My family tells me I cant do it because I cant get out of bed long enough. DUHHH????? WONDER WHY? I have $500 coming to me in about 2 weeks. I have no car nor no where to go. I want me and my g/f to just go! Get out of here and start our own lives where we can be comfortable and together. Cause I HATE being alone and nothing to do. Does anyone have any ideas or opinions of what I could do? I am up to my neck in this stuff and today for some reason I am almost to the breaking point. I am hurting I dont want to feel like this no more. Medication dont help because I usually abuse it or I dont take it because im scared it will make me relapse. Drugs and Alcohol are far from my mind and I want to stay that way. HELP!!
  21. Hey, One of my teachers (like 50 years old and married) has been touching me a lot lately. In the hall after school when I was working on my science project, he came out of his art studio and put his arm around me. He said "I love seeing girls with power tools. Especially you" and then he started rubbing my back and shoulder. When ever he walks by in our classroom, he puts his hand on the back of my chair and his other on my shoulder. He also rubbs my arm as he walks by and compliments me a lot more than the other students. What is this considered? What should I do?
  22. Well, I know it was probably abuse, but I don't know how severe it was or how profoundly it impacted my life. I've only told one person ever, my first love whom I am no longer with. When I was 5, I had just moved into a new neighborhood. Another girl my age lived accross the street, and we'd play together a lot. One day she suggested we go into her walk-in closet. She shut the door and said she wanted to play "mommy-daddy" and she laid on the floor. She took off her underwear and told me to sit on top of her with my underwear off, too,(like woman-on-top sex) and gently bounce up and down. I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but I really wanted a new friend because I was so young and new to the town/neighborhood. Anyways, we ended up doing that several other times, but it only lasted for that one summer, then it stopped. I never really wanted to do it, but she did and I just went along with it in order to not lose her as a friend. Later in adolescence, once I started dating, I noticed I had big intimacy problems, I basically avoided any physical form of affection from boys as much as I possibly could. I had huge anxiety problems when a guy tried to make out with me or touch me in any way. Only until recently have I considered my childhood sexual encounter as a possible reason for this. Should I tell my parents or confront a therapist about it?
  23. Hello everyone. As you probably all know, I seem to get myself into a lot of hurtful situations. I seem to find the people who are either hurtful or abusive in some way. I am worried that a legacy of pain is following me around. My mom suffered greatly in her life due to her father's relentless verbal attacks on her. She was hospitalized several times in her life due to acute mental distress. it wasn't until her 40's that she was able to find some healing. But the way her father treated her is how she has treated me most of my life. I love my mom, but she has always hurt me so much. Just tonight she called me and told me I was selfish and that I didn't need anyone in my life. She has told me that no one would ever want to be with me, that I need to go live in a home...She has threatened to cut off any suspport she has given me, told me she disowned me, etc. The years of this pain continue, and I don't always know what to do. What I am worried about is....perpetuating this pain. I do not want to extend this toward others. Do you think I look for abusive people because I think pain equals love? Do you think I try to rescue people because of how much hurt I feel inside my own heart? Could it be I look for people who have issues because I know they will essentially hurt me....and the pain cycle continues? When I think of love, I think of grief, yet at the same time I long for love that means comfort and happiness.....but I somehow only find loss and devestation. Do you think there is a chance I can find love that is peaceful, that is confort, that is gentleness? Sometimes it is so hard to believe I am a good person..I hear my mom's voice....and I don't know what is true....is she right? It feels wrong sometimes to think I am a good person......because my whole life I have been told that I am not. So what is true? I feel a prisoner to my anxiety and grief. I feel like no one would want to deal with me....I want so much to give...to give love.....I don't want people to be afraid of me.......I am trying to be stronger each day.....I want feel alive....I dream of a sweet, joyful love....a family...i don't want to continue the cycle of pain that has hurt my mom, and has hurt me...... If anyone can relate....please share....thank you all.....
  24. Well I have just uncovered a bombshell courtesy of my friend. Turns out the person I was seeing was abused by her jerk ex-boyfriend. My friend said something to the effect of she saying "well I can see how she feels loved when shes beaten" when describing her friends ordeal regarding being beaten. Yeah. So here I come along and I'm a complete 180, totally nice and caring and wind up dumped. I'm just at a loss for words. Can someone explain this to me? I just... I dont know.
  25. Hello all at enotalone.I have a serious question. There is this girl.Her name is liz and she is a cheerleader at my school.I hate her.I have hated hr for as long as i can remember.She is a snobby preppy peron who dislikes all who dont cheer.Even though i hate her,i still want to help her.Let me explain. About 2 days ago at school,i saw liz with 5 or 6 bruises on her legs.She told me that they were from cheerleading practice.Today she had 5 or 6 bruises on her arms.I am now suspicious.I know that her stepdad has pushed her around a bit,i am wondering if he has done this. If anyone can tell me how to help ior find out i would appreciate.Not even liz deserves to get abused. ~Meagan~
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