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About Me

  1. Oct 23 /2019 I was diagnosed with diabetes. And before that with hypertension. I still have time to turn this around. Right now my A1C is 6.9. And on meds my blood pressure is 105/75. Monday night I am joining a diet support group. I want to lose 50 pounds by next Christmas.
  2. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  3. So my girlfriend is very controlling and manipulative. I'm a 26 year old Male and she is a 34 year old female and she is my first girlfriend. I have been caught up in a bad relationship for 2 years we started dating 2 years ago and have been living together for 1.5 years. The beginning of the relationship it started off with small things and has escalated. Actually I could grab two up 911 reports of her threatening her life she doesnt get the attention she wants in the 2 years I've been with her. Its constant arguing on a daily hourly basis pretty much cause I'm not what she wants or stuff isnt going the way she wants, what she wants is full control over my life. Harassing me all the time and purposely picking arguments. When we first got together she tried to tell me I shouldnt go to church every weekend because she doesnt like it and I told her to bad. We would get into arguments she is so fixed on that I'm trying to cheat on her that im not allowed to leave the house unless she gets to go with me it's very rare for me to be able to leave the house together me. We also can never go out without an argument. Always accusing me of checking out other girls, she even had the audacity to tell me I was checking out little kids. One week she decided to tweak my buttons about sex, she was begging to have sex in the morning all week so one morning I woke up thought I would surprise and she said no and obviously I got upset but I didnt say anything out of respect. but when she brought up the topic I got upset and left cause I realized she was playing head games with me, she just one day decided that "her sex drive had something wrong with it and may need viagara" which was a lie cause we have 2 or 3 times. Actually that was one of the 911 calls was a about she threatened her life if she didnt get the sex she wanted, she wanted sex like 3-4 times in one night and I told her that was absurd. But anyways back to the story so after I left I talked to her on the phone and she told me to come back and we could make love, but it didnt happen she was just messing with me but I didnt say anything I just layed down and watched TV with her. Then she brought up the topic again I got upset and left. And she tried to lock me out of the house it like 12 in the morning and it was 19 degrees out. Her excuse was I got to mad and left which wasnt true all I did was get up and get dressed and leave. I tried to come back and get my phone that's how i figured put she locked me out. She dead bolted the door the landlord never gave us a key for the dead bolt only the regular part of the door. So i knocked on the door nicely and asked for my phone and she refused to answer the door, so i started kicking the door and then i went around the back and busted the window to get in and she was just sitting in the living room watching TV and obviously she got upset and came and asked why I was busting the window. And I told her because she didnt answer the door. And she was like I got to mad at her, then it became she was using the bathroom, then it turned into she didnt hear me but the bathroom is literally like next to the front door so there was no way she didnt hear me knocking before I started banging and all she had to do was say hold on I'm using the bathroom. Then she decided she was coming on the walk with me and that I couldn't cool off by myself. So fast forward a few months later I caught her going thru my phone because she didnt like that I was reaching out to my friend telling her how controlling she is and what I deal with every day. I found out she was going thru my phone when I take a shower before we go to bed. She tried to play it off as my best friends girlfriend tells her everything I talk on the phone to my friend on the phone and she is telling me this at 3 in the morning. I didnt catch on the first time but then she tried the same excuse again a few days later and I knew then and there she was going thru my phone and I locked my phone and she got mad at me for it. So fast forward a few months later I had gotten a new phone but didnt put a lock on it so she started doing it again. This time she kept trieing to delete my friend off Facebook until I found out and put a lock on my phone again. A couple weeks later shes now accusing me of checking out my cousins mom which I wasnt. Then i wanted to go to a job seminar and she tried to tell me that i couldn't if she couldn't go and i told her I'm taking the bus and going by myself and she was like no im going too you cant tell me I can't it's a public bus and etc. So I was like I'm taking a uber and she was like no that job seminar is near the mall and there's girls there, and by then after dealing with this for almost 2 years I had resorted to slapping her up. So like any situation I decided I was going to my aunt's for the rest of the night it was 11 at night and she was like no if you leave I'm calling the cops. So I told her to call them I dont care so she went to dial 911 then stopped. And I told her if she wasnt gonna call them then I am cause I was irritated with her. And she was like dont you will get arrested and I was like I dont I'm calling anyway. So the cops and I guess in the 911 call there was a mix up cause I told the operator I slapped her she wont let me out of the house and etc. So when the cops came they didnt really know what was going on but they said it wasnt their problem and that they would only do somthing about it if there was a domestic or somebody wanted to beat somone so then that's when I was like well I already hit her so I got arrested obviously but in the car when they were talking to me and I was telling them how she is they said "that's how lady's are my wife is like that" so all they didnt was justify her because she is a female". I'm not saying I was right for slapping but the cops dont do nothing about anything in today's world unless "they have a problem" they dont prevent problems. So we got the no contact order dropped after 2 months cause it was my first offense we were gonna try maybe working things out. What the problem is nothing is being worked out she still doing the same stuff and not trying to change. So I told her last month I'm not staying much longer I actually tried to leave an she refused to let me get my clothes out of my dresser and etc. So what stunt did she pulled now. We aren't on a lease anymore as of like 8 months ago. So she told the landlord last week that we are moving out so we have no choice but to move out. Why would she do this because if I rent out another apartment I would be on another lease meaning I cant just leave. So i have decided to act like I'm not interested in apartments atm so we are renting a hotel for 2 months in another city. So I planning on telling the cops in that area the situation that the relationship isnt getting better. I have evidence on my phone from the beginning of the relationship up until now that she likes to harass me and be in control. Yesterday she was rambling on accusing me of doing things I havent done. And then she was like last time somone did something to me I gave them a black eye and I didnt say anything it was better off that way cause if I did it wouldnt have came off the right way, shes just trying to boil my buttons. I havent gave into nothing she has been doing since I have been back. The teacher in my domestic class said to somone else in a similar situation that you can get a restraining order, but that most lawyers wouldnt advise it cause it might escalate the case she has on me if I had a no contact with her. I'm still thinking of what to do since nothing is working out. I know that I cant take it into my own hands this time because that's not how the problem is solved.
  4. Here’s the consolidated version of my situation. My BF & I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship is marriage bound, I have a great relationship with his kids & will sometimes stay the night when they are there. My boyfriends mother doesn’t like this, she feels it’s morally wrong & says he needs to set a better example for his kids. She’s threatened to stop helping him out with the kids if I continue to stay at all (she helps with taking/picking up the kids from school on days his work schedule isn’t conducive for him to do so himself). Needless to say he needs the help so it’s put him in between a rock & a hard place. However neither of us are happy at all about her using her offer for assistance as leverage to control something in our relationship. I’m extremely displeased as I don’t need her feeling she can control any aspect of our relationship that doesn’t align with her own personal beliefs. I’m not a fan of coercive behavior which is what this is. My boyfriend has spoken with her and expressed his disagreement with this, but it was useless. I’m at a loss as to how we deal with this further so she’s aware we aren’t interested in her feeling she can dictate our relationship as well as setting boundaries & make it clear I’ll stay the night without her saying otherwise. It’s a need to tread lightly subject as he doesn’t want to jeopardize the help with the kids, but also doesn’t want to have to conform to her wishes. Quite honestly he’s an adult and no one, mother or not should be dictating how he does anything, lives his life to include how he parents. I feel like I’m 16 years old again being told you can’t do this....
  5. My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he wanted to find himself (since he had depression and his grades were suffering), that he didn’t think i deserved being on the backburner, that i was still his favorite person but he wanted to be alone for a while. We were really happy together and invested a lot into each other and our relationship lasted a year. We’ve started texting each other little by little again after no contact for 3/4 weeks, and had a very short meetup to exchange items, but haven’t had the chance to really bond or hang out. I’ve been asking to meet up for lunch but always catch him on days when he’s truly busy. I want to give him his space, but i’ve been seeing him walk and chat between classes with another girl lately. It’s just harmless walking, and he’s always had platonic female friends, but i’m forced to see it every day and it makes me stomach cave in every time because he’s always smiling with her, yet we’re barely talking. I’ve been having nightmares about him “cheating” on me with random girls in our school and it’s interfering with my sleep, but it’s not something i can control. I haven’t mentioned anything to him and i’ve been keeping it to myself, but it’s hurting me every day. I try to think about other things and i’ve been talking to new people and keeping myself occupied, but when it lingers as a physical discomfort or when it attacks in my sleep i can’t control it. Should i meet up with him and casually mention it to him, or have a friend mention it? I know he’s a really good guy at heart and I want to trust him, and it’s not my job to interfere with his interactions with others, but when it hurts my every day and night i’d like him to at least be more wary of what he’s doing. however, i want to get back together with him. We’ve always had great chemistry and been incredibly happy together, and we’ve invested so much into each other. I know both of us need time for ourselves, but i want to be “together apart”. Should i meet up with him in person and talk to him about it? or try to slowly get back into each other’s lives again? i know the break up hurt him really badly too, even though i was the one being dumped. i just don’t know if he thinks we should take a little space for ourselves or move on to other people forever. i’m scared that confrontation like this will make him associate me with stress and drama, when really i just want us to go back to when we were happy together again. Although i respect what he needs from this breakup, and i need to focus on myself too, I feel like destroying our relationship despite being so happy together is not necessary to accomplish it. Should I confront him about these things (casually and in a non accusatory way) or let it sit with myself and try to become closer again but by bit?
  6. My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.) I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly. When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts. I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?
  7. It's been some time but I'm lightly seeing my ex (not the resent one, but the ex b-4 her). It seems like just under 2 years ago, I would have done anything to get back with this girl. (even distroy a relation ship that deserved a chance) But now that she's calling me all the time, I see how much wanting what we can't have can mess with what we need. For those of you out there who know you will move on, remember this is only a small set back. Pick your self up and move in your direction, for you. For the rest of us who aren't sure, think of it this way, all this wanting and needing may just be in our heads (to a point). We all know loosing someone is hard and it's going to hurt, but the amount we let it hurt may be in our control. I guess it's like climbing a big mountin. At the start all we see is this big thing in our way casting a shadow on our lives. Cant see over it or around it. But on the way up you'll start to see the land around you and where you started and once at the top, you can see all. How far you've come, everything around you that this big rock was blocking and where you want to go next. For those of you that are half way up this moutain and still think thay need that one someone to go any further, stop. Keep looking up, theres still a ways to go. Dont give up or give yourself limits n-till you've reached the top, and by that time you will see. That you are the only person you truly need back. The one you're missing is you. We loose ourselves in others so often it drives me crazy. I've just now reached the top, so I still have much to see. I just want so much to let everyone know it's not so bad. Just give it time. Things will come around and when your YOU again, you will know where to go and what you want to see next. There are people who fall and wont get back up. I was one of those people, but this site picked me up and got me half way. I owe every one a big thanks. Don't give up on the ones you love, but get you back before you try to get them back. Your mind may change. PS sorry if this is crazy, I had to type very fast. It's time to go to lunch. phoenix
  8. In my last post I was told not to sing or write for my ex which I really cannot control. If you want to hear the CD that was playing that night at my ex's work, when she said turn it off to who ever had it, go to... link removed then go to to the top bar and hit search, then where it says artest type in Deja Juniper, it should bring up a few songs. Another thing is she hasn't herd any of the songs off of the new album (with the tracks for her) yet, noone has, only the people working on the album with me, so the music that was playing was songs she's herd b-4, not the new stuff. That track I did for every one here on E-notalone is up as well. It's called "Burning Bridges". My style is strange but I write from the heart. I can only hope my words will help you guys as much as they help me. I'm not trying to plug my stuff, I just want you to hear where I'm coming from. Thanks for you time, Deja
  9. Last night, I was talking to my friend and we both have feelings for each other. She asked me some rather personal questions and like an idiot I told her some rather personal things. I almost told her my social security number but I had to stop for a minute to realize what I was doing and what was happening to me. I realized that my friend can easily manipulate me because I am very much interested in her. She told me some other things about herself and I believed her. Then she says to me, "You know, I was just playing around." and I feel like a fool because I REALLY believed her. I am a gulliable sap. I think she's starting to see that too. I really trust her but I am getting a little leery because she can easily get me to believe her on just about anything. That can't be too good. I'm not saying that she is a big fat liar or anything and I'd like to think she is telling the truth most of the time. But when she tells me she's not telling the truth, I feel suckered and weak. I don't want her to feel as if she has control over me, but slowly that IS what it's turning into. Any advice?
  10. I finally realized that my wonderful, sweet b/f is a spineless control freak. I broke up with him and I'm really upset with myself for getting involved, once again, with a jerk. I know that the only reason I got involved with him in the first place was because I felt lonely and isolated. I moved about 10 months ago to a place where I didn't know anyone. My family and friends are not close to where I live and even though I have gotten to know a few of my neighbors (My ex was one of them, although he recently moved) I still feel really isolated. I get so scarred living here sometimes. The logical side of me knows that there is nothing to be afraid of. But my emotions get away from me sometimes and I end up feeling depressed. I actually feel like I can't take care of myself. I feel like a freak. I work from home, which leaves me, stuck here just about 24/7. I feel so desperate that I want to move back to my hometown. Doing this would mean a pretty big financial lose and I'm not sure that running back is the answer. Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated.
  11. why is it so hard to get over someone. why does it make us do stupid things ? i was with a guy who was awful to me so controlling and talked to me like dirt, forced me to do things and was so insecure he thought i was gonna run off. yet he ended up leaving me and i cant take the fact he has always had control, all thro the relationship he had to have control and now hes moved on like i meant nothin to him. i prob didnt. on his profile hes already put himself as "single and looking". why am i so weak??? i keep doin stupid things like txtin him and the other day i wrote him a letter and sent bk a ring after 2 weeks of no contact and he txt me today and was so mean i wrote really nice things yet he was jus blaming me for the break up and told me to basically get lost. i jus want him to know how much hes hurt me! i want him to jus once feel guilty about how hes made me feel! its like i suddenly meant nothing yet he told me he loved me in the first 2 weeks and brought me an eternity ring, let me into all his family (who he was very close to) lives etc etc but jus was so insecure. when we broke up he had to come over to drop off a cd instead of posting it to me whcih opened all my wounds and i guess i never recovered from that. i feel so weak cos id still take him back! how much of a fool am i? why cant he jus be hurtin so i know im not so stupid its whats stopping me moving on the fact its like i meant nothin to him
  12. The friends first myth ... I am sure that everyone has probably heard some variation of the "friends-first" rule, possibly from parents, or peers, or councilors, or pastors, or educators, etc. You have probably been told that it is best to be friends with the opposite sex and not attempt to pursue any sort of relationship with them, or to have sex, or to do anything that would stain your satin white reputation for the sake of appearances. Some people look at the "Friend's-first" rule and talk wonders about it, while other despise and hate it. Why is this? You would think that being friends with someone would be a good thing, and yes, it is a good thing ... But, with all things there exist problems ... The way that one person views the world may not be the same view as another persons nor do people have the same life experiences, in the same way the "friend's-first" rule has many of these same problems in that it has not worked for everyone nor will it ever, though technically it should. Let's explore some of those reasons ... Probably one of the most severest flaws with the friendship philosophy comes from the fact that there seems to be little way to tell the difference between "friendship rejection" and "friendship acception." In other words, when someone of the opposite sex says "let's be [just] friends" he/she could be saying "I like you, but let's take it slow" or "I think you are a loser and I think this other person is way hotter than you." Both meanings are said in the same exact tone, and the same exact frequency, and the same exact way. In the former a person has been given a chance that can lead to a relationship and sex, but the latter equates to rejection and is simply a total waste of time. While this remains a source of confusion, people who have been "friendship accepted" tend to push the "friends-first" philosophy more than their "friendship rejection" countertypes, and for good and obvious reasons. This is why the "friends-first" Philosophy has also been responsible for bloating the ranks of the numerously abundant population of jerk ... The irony in this respect was that when it comes to many men who act like total jerks in relationships, they were actually once rather nice; however, from being constantly burned by the "friend's first" philosophy, not taking advantage of situations when they arise, and by constantly running into manipulative "**** teasing attention ******," and girls who see them as "big bother types," this causes them to resent many of their otherwise good qualities. Furthermore, women have a tenacious habit to attempt to soften the blow of rejection by bringing up the point that a certain guy is "sweet" or "nice" or by stating some of their otherwise good qualities back to them in the process. What women do not realize is that by doing this they unwittingly cause these men to make a logic connection between being nice, rejection, friendship, and this actually serves nothing more than to spoil them for any future relationships they could enjoy. All in all, the men who have been "victimized" in this way eventually learn to resort to traits reserved for typical "A" type personalities, either from the impending inexperience or the fear of intimacy caused from these rejections, thus causing the typical jerk like traits that have been so popularized and often encouraged by men who have these same problems. Also, the "Friend's first" philosophy also exist as a balance of control for females; when men allow women that are not related to them and are not acquaintances to be non-sexual friends with them they are allowing them to have control in all interactions on the relationship level they exist upon. On the flip side, men who receive unbiased sex from women are the ones that maintain control on the relationship level should that ever happen. One of the worst problems with "friends-first " has to do with that part of being a mature and healthy individual comes from the ability to form friendships friends with people in general regardless of gender ... Unfortunately,[as has been previously stated,] people who have been rejected with friendship tend to not develop the necessary social skills that a mature individual needs to be a good husband/wife and to raise children ... Virtually, they themselves remain children and conceptually have not progressed past the age of 12 from their stunted outlook. Because of this you will find that many of these people find ways to sleep around, not only to fulfill their own basic needs, but as an attempt to compensate for the fact that they have not been given or allowed the opportunity to grow and mature for numerous and varied reasons. When relationships do occur with these people they are often noticeably and exceptionally one-sided, where one person plays the role of a[n overly controlling] parent to another who seeks a parent or rules in general. In stark contrast mature individuals with were able to maintain relationships with people of the opposite sex learn to replace their own parents by changing their own views and outlooks and controlling themselves from an internal standpoint, where people who have been "friendship rejected" look for ways to control others or to be controlled by others from an external standpoint. I suppose being Friends with the opposite sex is not such a bad thing when you aren't constantly having your man or womanhood insulted, or are not afraid of the possibility of that happening, and can handle it when it does happen. In the long-run friendship is always the best alternative especially for those who have been able to maintain relationships. But for those who haven't, well, they'll probably just give you the finger...
  13. I hope after saying this i will feel better from the respones i get. I meet my Ex about 6months ago and it just looked to me like she was my final stop in terms of who to spend the rest of my life with. she told me everything about her past which made me even apprecaites more. for me i have been more of the church guy that doesn't believe in pre marital sex and we discussed this before we started going out. i told her my limits even though i hadn't tried them before but i was willing to flex out a little bit since lack of romance could ruin a relationship, but everytime we played around i felt bad but i didn't want to make her feel bad by showing the way i felt about it. i tried telling her once that we should control things but it just didn't work so things kept on happening and i was getting closer to losing it. we had a problem that we were trying to get over which was clearly my fault and i tried everything possible to resolve things but it was just hard bcos she tells her mum everything and her mum will always try to protect her which is not a wrong thing but it puts me on edge. i told her we should always try to resolve thing ourselves before involveing other but her mum was always the first to hear about everything. what finally broke the camels back was when we went out for dinner and i had a little to drink which made me a little bolder that usual and we got home and started our usual thing but i could not control myself and things happened she told me to remember my vows but i was too confused to hear and she pushed me off and i became sober and cried like a little boy not bcos i lost my virginity but bcos i was that careless with someone i love so much she cried and called me names and said i was just like everyone else despite that fact that i never pressured her for sex for one second right now i feel all the guilt in the world and dont know if i can forgive my self bcos i betrayed her trust, not intentionally but i should not have being that careless. she still claims she loves me but we just can't be together again i still love her very much and wish we get back together but i dont know what to think. what am i pls someone should help me
  14. why is he such a jerk?. There is a guy at my work (we'll call him matt) whom I get along with okay sometimes. Other times I can't stand the sight of him he really knows how to push my buttons. Being around him makes me feel vulnarable and out of control. I can't stand it. Now the other night at work we were getting along fine until he pushed things to far. He was saying that I should date this other guy at work. I told him I didn't want to hear it and told him to cut it out but he didn't he pushed me to far and he nearly had me in tears. There is nothing wrong with this other guy I just don't feel attracted to him and I feel uncomfortable around him at the moment and I think he has noticed because we didn't joke or mess around like we usually do. Matt said he was sorry but I just kept telling him to get out of my face. I may have over reacted. Do you think he goes out of his way to make me feel the way I do? and if so Why?. And why is it that I feel so vulnurable and out of control when he's around? Any insight would be greatly appreciated *cassandra*
  15. k my mom keeps on bugging me about not eating enough, but i think i eat way to much for me........ i feel really fat and im very ugly, and i thknk everyone would like m ebetter if i was hotter, and skinnier...... i just think im trying to be healthy, but my mom wont let me go, she keeps bringing it up , i eat for her lots one night, but then i can't stand ot eat for three days, and she gets suspicious..... i just think im trying to control my weight, but am i really anerexic like my mom thinks?
  16. Did ya ever hear that if you're attracted to someone, your pupils will dilate(get bigger)? I think that's interesting. It's a natural occurrence that ya can't control even if ya know it's happening.
  17. I was Anorexic for 6years and I first started cutting when I was 16years old (I am now 22) when I was in treatment. Since then the cutting has come and gone, depending upon how my recovery from my eating disorder is going. The primary problem that I have is the Anorexia, of which is mostly 'under control', with the cutting being secondary. When I'm not healthy, the cutting gets worse and worse. Especially lately I have been falling back onto cutting when the whole Anorexia fiasco gets to be too much. Sounds crazy I know. The real problem is that I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now, and I find myself wanting to cut more and more whenever I get into an argument with my boyfriend. It sounds silly to say that this is my way of getting back at him because I know that this only hurts me, but sometimes this is how I feel. He is my bestfriend, so I can tell him most anything without feeling shy or embarrassed, but I do have a lot of shame centered around this issue though. It's just really hard to broach this topic with someone who is unfamiliar with its complexities. I would really like some help/suggestions with this. I know that I really need to find some better coping mechanisms, but this method has become such an 'effective' way of dealing with life when it gets to be too rough. To be honest, I really don't even want to stop because I feel compelled to harm myself when I feel guilty about being who I am. I'm running out of ideas. Anyway, thanks for listening. Support appreciated.
  18. Ok, I'm about to open the vault right open and help clarify a lot of what goes on when people break up and why the efforts are done typically in vain. So first off I just wanna let you all know that I was together with my ex for the period of around 2 and a half years. Love was there right from the beginning and we went to extreme lengths for each other. It was like a storytale fantasy really, I was a 'wuss' and waited around for her until I got my chance. Of course it was more like "it was fate! sounds like a hollywood movie!" as her friends would say. She was floored and loved it. We had an amazing relationship until I smothered her so much that she tried just getting to know other people. Of course I was so into her that I would get jealous and upset. Fast forward to the break up, I found out she was going to break up with me and date another guy. At the time I was COMPLETELY devastated as I loved this girl. I finally was getting my life together and she did this! I felt unloved, uncared, unwanted and most importantly betrayed. I thought it wasn't fair and I couldn't get her out of my head. I phoned her, e-mailed her, messaged her and did ALL sorts of contact trying to get her to change her mind. I couldn't stop THINKING about her. Day and night, the same thing. Dreamed about her, sat and moped and just thought and thought and analyzed and ANALYZED until I would lose myself. Everytime I talked to her about it, the same thing was said over and over "i just don't have those feelings anymore." and everytime I asked her how long she felt this way, it conveniently changed to longer and longer times. First it was a month, then 2 months, then it went back as far as almost 2 years when she was originally going to break up. I didn't understand this WHATSOEVER. So I was forced to go through this by myself and as a guy COMPLETELY lost, confused and alone. I had no idea what to do, how to handle myself and HOW to get back what I wanted and had. So I came here, got advice and insight and found out I wasn't the only one in this situation. Now, on to the meat of this post. Ok first things first, the number ONE destroying thing of good advice, is that people refuse to believe their situation is similar or the same as others. "My love for her/him is MORE than it was with you." (of course they won't say this, but it's made obvious that this is the implication) and they'll also bring up references and past experiences to prove this. Now this isn't trying to make it out like you didn't have anything special or that it was all a sham, but I am trying to point out that WE are holding ourselves back by being arrogant about our situations in thinking we're so different. Sorry guys and girls. Why the need for NC? Simple answer is that you two are broken up. The more complex answer is that NC allows the chance for people to separate themselves from the relationship. To give them air to breathe so they can think things through and wonder if they did in fact make the right choice. If a girl or guy dumps the person they're dating to date someone else OR because they lost the love for the other person. Sometimes what happens is that the dumpee was too clingy, needy or desperate and may have been on some level placing the other person on a kind of pedestal. Now this is where the problem lies. If you are that person who is clingy, desperate, needy or placing the other on a pedestal, then that only ADDS to the stress levels of the other person. People have enough stress and don't need added stress from their loved ones. Point two, when someone is totally involved with the other person, they can end up suffocating that person. That person will feel the other has no life and that THEY are their only life. Outside of that, they wonder what they'd do. Often people like being in the company of others who have a life and are doing things and are involved. It keeps things interesting. This is key to understand where some may go wrong. Lastly it's good to keep in mind that NC isn't a technique to get them back, it isn't a sure fire way of anything other than to be used for YOURSELF. NC is something one SHOULD be doing regardless! Why? Because you SHOULD already believe that it's over. I mean isn't it afterall? Are you two not broken up? So why stay in contact? Doing contact makes it worse because when they break up they either want to forget about you and move on or just break away so they can get some breathing room and relieve themselves of the guilt. Any pestering, persistance or general contact in any way shape or form can kill whatever remaining chance you have. People are afraid that by not calling and not staying in contact, that the ex will move on, but really it's our typical grovelling, pleading and obsessive behaviour that pushes them away. Why NC does not work if you're not doing it NATURALLY! NC DOES NOT WORK if you are NOT a person who knows the concept of or reason behind it. If you do it because others told you to and you do it successfully, ONLY to have them take off when you get BACK into contact, will be left wondering "wtf?". Sound familiar? Well it's like this, if you're ALREADY not a person involved with your life or doing other things and doing NC HAPPENS naturally, then when they come back you'll go from 0-60 and they'll go "wtf?". So understand this, when you DO NC make sure it's because you DON'T have free time to talk to them. Create a busy schedule by going out and DOING things for yourself. Take care of yourself and do things you enjoy. If you get busy, eventually you won't think of them as much AND you'll naturally be doing NC. Now another point of NC is to understand this. It's to give them room and time to THINK about you. Wonder what's going on and wonder if what's happening with you. Now what ruins this is when they call and you keep talking to them until THEY get rid of you. OR, when they e-mail, you quickly e-mail them back. They text you, you text them back. Etc. So it works like this, reserve control of yourself. Be sure to not deny them, but don't give them the feeling that you are available for them or readily there when they need you to be. If they think you are never busy and are waiting around for them, it's gonna get them thinking you have nothing better to do than to contact them when they contact you. Why Independence helps get you USED to being alone and DAMN GOOD AT IT! People always say to get yourself out there and INVOLVED with the world. Find clubs to go hang out at and pick up new hobbies. Now the problem that arises with this is that it's not EASY to figure out what exactly you WANT to do for one and second, it's so new it's going to seem silly or pointless at first. A general "man i am not cut out for this" attitude may linger for quite a while until you see the actual benefits of doing these things. There are SO MANY things one can do for fun, it's just a matter of researching them and GOING OUT and doing it. The Failure in the relationship, what happened? Ok on to the failure of the relationship. So why did it fail? You smothered them? Got upset with them when they didn't wanna hang out with you? Were needy? Clingy? Desperate for attention? Didn't give them space? They couldn't hang out with their friends because you hogged all their free time? Did you call all the time? So what were some of those things you were doing that may have turned them off COMPLETELY? It's good to figure those out and then try to figure out how to CORRECT those things from happening in the future. If they felt you were smothering them or were needy and clingy, then that GENERALLY translates to "this person is a loser, because I'm their life and outside of that they have nothing." Now that sounds really harsh and it IS, generally they don't think that evil BUT that's a very straight-forward to the point statement. It gets to the core of WHY it's best to have a life outside of theirs. Now I'm not saying put them below everything else, BUT if you have passion and excitement for your independent life, then who you are with SHOULD respect and understand this. No one should be so selfish as to force you to give up your life for them, so don't do it voluntarily by any means. Why we should be number one! Because we're damn worth it! If YOU don't believe it, they won't. You keep saying "I don't deserve you" then eventually they'll say "yeah, you're right. You don't." If they don't look at you as the one THEY WANT to keep then it's only a matter of time before they go to someone else. Or cheat on you. So please please please people, try to remember the important thing of looking after YOU. They're not the only guy/girl in this world. There are TONS of great people out there, EVEN IF THEY DON'T match what you're looking for. It's ALL about experience and getting yourself familiar with the opposite sex AND of relationships. Once you learn how to control yourself and how to act and interact, then you're already out on top. Analyzing something out of your control is not only pointless, it's TIRING. It leads you no where except down the frustration path. Focus on things you can control: yourself, your relationship with others, your attitude, your approach, your look, your communication, etc. Your life is yours for the taking and is influenced by YOU and shouldn't be influenced by others. Try being nice to yourSELF and do things YOU enjoy and believe in. Not what you think you should do in order to win others approval. Now I know this is all "wow that's great and all, but I'm just gonna start thinking about them again!" or whatever other thing will happen when u read this and go well that was great but it wasn't enough for me. The problem, is that it'll never be enough unless you DO something about it. The problem then may be that you just don't want to HAVE to put in the effort or energy, in that case I say enjoy your life of self-pitty and regret. Just remember this last thing. When you take steps to do these things, keep the idea in your mind that you will EVENTUALLY get this dealt with and figured out. Don't put yourself in a position where it's an all or nothing. Remember that you have to want to actively pursue this OR it won't work. It took X amount of months/years to become who you are, it's going to take a SIGNIFICANT amount of time to change. Hope this post was helpful and I apologize for it's length.
  19. well ever since i was young i had a problem controling my anger. i use to throw the bigest tempatratums and fihgt with anyone near me. but as i got old i did have tempatarums but when some one made me mad i would beat the tar out of them. but i see from my bro is that we hold in our anger then releas it on what ever we like should. but yesterday my ex came up to me at the mall with her bf and she told us to talk while she went to the bath room he told me some dirty stuff about her and i beat the **** out of him and when she came back she though i did it because she was going out with him i told her he was saying bad stuff but she didnt believe me and when they walked away i attacked him agin. why is it that sertain thing set me off while other dont that should set me off??
  20. As many of you know I came to this site a few months back longing for a sense of reality, to know that I was NOT ALONE as the site is entitled. And found that i was not. i have in a short period of time made what i hope are some life long friends..... but also learned that there IS a time and place to stand up for yourself and to take action that puts your life back into your control again. I have done that.. 2.5 weeks ago I moved out and into a friends house after a 20 year marriage. I have to admit the actual moving out was the toughest things i'd ever done. I'm a quiet guy who tends to let people run over him especially a domineering wife... and i finally had all i could take. Dont think i'm not aware that in this 20 years i'm not made my share of mistakes.. I HAVE..... and I might could have done things along the way to prevent this.... but i'm alone. So could she have. The communications have totally broken down and i dont see it being repaired. Even she would like it because of $$$. Isn't it amazing that even the most fundamental relationship eventally get valued. We are separated two weeks and the STBX is already talking big bucks for me to get out and even to the point of using exhortion and blackmail to get her wishes and in times past i would have cowarded down and she think i will this time, but I will not. Some one told me once I have to "grow a loarge set of b*lls" to get through this and it was sage advice. Everyone has skeletons in the closet to some extent and the STBX thinks she can 'force' me into her wishes... NOT THIS TIME! I apprecaite the support this forum has given me... and for those of you who believe in prayer..... consider me in yours.... i am going to need it.. I dont find it easy to be an SOB... but i think i may have to turn into one to defend myself. Keep me in your thoughts and any advice will be welcomed.
  21. I sometimes wonder why guys fall for their best female friend. Or vice versa, any theories anyone, cause I'm simply at a loss as to why I feel this way about what is just another woman. I'm also a head over heart sort of guy and can't stand not being in control of my own emotions. So the question is why and at the same time how? _________________ "Love is Loves reward"
  22. I can't believe this happened to me! I met a girl a few weeks ago, just a casual encounter but things seem to have gone into overdrive. We had an instant 'connection' and after joking that I would like to see have standing naked in my bathroom cleaning her teeth, it seemed that 'fish was hooked' - now just to land it. However, a blow came in the fact that she told me she was engaged. My heart plummeted through the floor! Anyway, things ended soon after that evening, but after having already swapping email addresses, I couldn't get her out of my mind and sent her an email. Two days later she answered, let's say in 'our' manner of conversation by saying 'target locked'. Since then we had swapped multiple emails, phone calls and even met twice where the 'connection' seemed to grow out of control. I told her that this was not normal in a relationship that she should be open to this 'affair' with me and she agreed on this point. She did go into little details, mainly that she jumped from her last relationship into this one with her husband to be. I suggested that she talk our situation over with someone when we last spoke and she has since dropped me a quick email to say that she has done this and is trying to put everything into context. I'm not the type of guy who gets involved in these types of situations but sometimes as they say, love is blind. The only thing I can say in my defence of this point is that I told her I would not sleep with another man's girlfriend. Your comments will be appreciated !
  23. i have just broken up with my girlfriend, it was me who initiated the break. REASONS: she has never really supported me in my ventures, she doesn't come out with me and when she does i all ways feel i have to stand next to here to make sure she is all right. she all ways gets on to me if i am not with her 100% of the time and she is to controlling over my life. i am not sure how i feel i know i have made the correct desicion but my heart is still breaking, we have had two and a half years together, but for the last 6 months i have been feeling more and more distant from her.our hearts want the same thing but our minds are in two completley different places. plus ihave met some one else who i have taken a liking to. basically i just would like to talk this through with any body who has experinced the same thing or any body that wants to talk. Sorry if the grammer is not right or the spelling is all over the place but i'm in no mood to be checking it thanks for reading this look forward to your replies.
  24. I havent given this to my ex, who recently broke up with me, she was seriously hurt in a previous relationship and although i know she cares for me she doesnt want to get to close, Im crazy about her but im giving her the space she needs, what do you think? separate from truth and fiction, an emotional sea of contradiction, listen and learn but dont attach, advice easy to give but hard to catch, but is that what u really desire, to build a wall and put out the fire, to supress your feelings of happiness and love, and settle for comfort and safety, allowing yourself to be caged by the trails, left by your emotions from the past, consider this; who controls who, do u control ur emotions or do your emotions control u
  25. ok well there is this guy who i really like and i know that he likes me also we r close to goin out but first of all he went out with this one girl for 1 year and 7 months and just broke up with her in september they are still really close they even drive together to school every morning he says there just friends but ya my problem is he gets way too jelous i have a lot of guy friends and he does not like that at all he gets mad when he just see's me talkin to guys or walkin with guys and of course at lunch i hang out with quite a few guys but whether i am with 1 or 20 he gets extrmely mad i hope u can help me cause i am not sure what to do about the ex or his jelous problem ( anyone who wants to take a guess do u think he is really over her) P.s its not like we dont spend anytime together he is over at my house almost everyday but ya thanks in advance for your help
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