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About Me

  1. Oct 23 /2019 I was diagnosed with diabetes. And before that with hypertension. I still have time to turn this around. Right now my A1C is 6.9. And on meds my blood pressure is 105/75. Monday night I am joining a diet support group. I want to lose 50 pounds by next Christmas.
  2. I'm not really sure where to even begin, but I think I'm starting to get a drinking problem. I don't drink every day and I don't crave it, but I do go out for drinks at least once a week. See the thing is, I don't just have a few drinks. I drink so much that I am not in control of my actions and I do really stupid . It's like I just don't know when to stop and the amount of alcohol that I actually consume is ridiculously high and whenever I'm really drunk I always intentionally make bad decisions, especially with boys. I sleep around and I have gotten with people that I'm not even into at all which I would NEVER do if I was sober. It's like I turn into a completely different person and intentionally sabotage my own life. It's a lot for my friends to put up with too, I have almost ruined friendships in the past for the stupid things that I do when I am drunk. It's like I don't even consider their feelings which is nothing like how I actually am because my friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them and would NEVER want to hurt or make anyone upset. Then I feel horrible the next day, not only with a hangover but with crippling anxiety because of the things that I did the night before. Even if I have a good night and didn't do anything stupid I still have anxiety the next day and don't even want to leave my bed.. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm not in control of myself because no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it I still go. And I can't go and not drink at all because then I feel like I can't have fun because I feel anxious in social situations and don't know what to talk about with people when I'm sober unless I'm really close with them.... If I don't stop soon I'm going to ruin my life. Problem number 2; a lot of the time I drink, I sleep around and/or kiss different boys. Sometimes even with guys that I'm not into at all and don't really want to but do it anyway. I've been single for about 4 years now and my last relationship was definitely not ideal and I was in a really really bad place when we were together. Now I struggle to connect with boys on an emotional level, but I still can get lonely and crave affection. It's like I get the affection that I need from these boys, it's literally like I do it just because I know I'm going to get kisses and cuddled all night... It's kind of pathetic. And even if I see these guys a few times and spend the entire day with them and hang out with them on other occasions, I never open up about myself. It's like I'm unintentionally holding back my personality to prevent becoming emotionally connected to them and them to me. I honestly feel like no matter how much time I spend with a guy in that way, they never actually end up getting to know me. And then I feel really ty about it afterwards when I get home, sometimes weeks because I feel cheap. This also gives me really bad anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks because I know that everyone would talk about me and let's be honest it's probably why so many of them are interested. Even when I KNOW I'm being sweet talked and it's all bull, it still makes me feel good. It's like I feed off it and I HATE it because I think so logically and I KNOW it's wrong. And even if I ever did learn to open up to a boy and let my guard down, they would probably never want me in that way because of my promiscuity. And the fact that I have sex with them straight away (I've heard that people have called me easy in the past) would also probably rule me out as girlfriend material 100%. Idk what to do
  3. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  4. So my girlfriend is very controlling and manipulative. I'm a 26 year old Male and she is a 34 year old female and she is my first girlfriend. I have been caught up in a bad relationship for 2 years we started dating 2 years ago and have been living together for 1.5 years. The beginning of the relationship it started off with small things and has escalated. Actually I could grab two up 911 reports of her threatening her life she doesnt get the attention she wants in the 2 years I've been with her. Its constant arguing on a daily hourly basis pretty much cause I'm not what she wants or stuff isnt going the way she wants, what she wants is full control over my life. Harassing me all the time and purposely picking arguments. When we first got together she tried to tell me I shouldnt go to church every weekend because she doesnt like it and I told her to bad. We would get into arguments she is so fixed on that I'm trying to cheat on her that im not allowed to leave the house unless she gets to go with me it's very rare for me to be able to leave the house together me. We also can never go out without an argument. Always accusing me of checking out other girls, she even had the audacity to tell me I was checking out little kids. One week she decided to tweak my buttons about sex, she was begging to have sex in the morning all week so one morning I woke up thought I would surprise and she said no and obviously I got upset but I didnt say anything out of respect. but when she brought up the topic I got upset and left cause I realized she was playing head games with me, she just one day decided that "her sex drive had something wrong with it and may need viagara" which was a lie cause we have 2 or 3 times. Actually that was one of the 911 calls was a about she threatened her life if she didnt get the sex she wanted, she wanted sex like 3-4 times in one night and I told her that was absurd. But anyways back to the story so after I left I talked to her on the phone and she told me to come back and we could make love, but it didnt happen she was just messing with me but I didnt say anything I just layed down and watched TV with her. Then she brought up the topic again I got upset and left. And she tried to lock me out of the house it like 12 in the morning and it was 19 degrees out. Her excuse was I got to mad and left which wasnt true all I did was get up and get dressed and leave. I tried to come back and get my phone that's how i figured put she locked me out. She dead bolted the door the landlord never gave us a key for the dead bolt only the regular part of the door. So i knocked on the door nicely and asked for my phone and she refused to answer the door, so i started kicking the door and then i went around the back and busted the window to get in and she was just sitting in the living room watching TV and obviously she got upset and came and asked why I was busting the window. And I told her because she didnt answer the door. And she was like I got to mad at her, then it became she was using the bathroom, then it turned into she didnt hear me but the bathroom is literally like next to the front door so there was no way she didnt hear me knocking before I started banging and all she had to do was say hold on I'm using the bathroom. Then she decided she was coming on the walk with me and that I couldn't cool off by myself. So fast forward a few months later I caught her going thru my phone because she didnt like that I was reaching out to my friend telling her how controlling she is and what I deal with every day. I found out she was going thru my phone when I take a shower before we go to bed. She tried to play it off as my best friends girlfriend tells her everything I talk on the phone to my friend on the phone and she is telling me this at 3 in the morning. I didnt catch on the first time but then she tried the same excuse again a few days later and I knew then and there she was going thru my phone and I locked my phone and she got mad at me for it. So fast forward a few months later I had gotten a new phone but didnt put a lock on it so she started doing it again. This time she kept trieing to delete my friend off Facebook until I found out and put a lock on my phone again. A couple weeks later shes now accusing me of checking out my cousins mom which I wasnt. Then i wanted to go to a job seminar and she tried to tell me that i couldn't if she couldn't go and i told her I'm taking the bus and going by myself and she was like no im going too you cant tell me I can't it's a public bus and etc. So I was like I'm taking a uber and she was like no that job seminar is near the mall and there's girls there, and by then after dealing with this for almost 2 years I had resorted to slapping her up. So like any situation I decided I was going to my aunt's for the rest of the night it was 11 at night and she was like no if you leave I'm calling the cops. So I told her to call them I dont care so she went to dial 911 then stopped. And I told her if she wasnt gonna call them then I am cause I was irritated with her. And she was like dont you will get arrested and I was like I dont I'm calling anyway. So the cops and I guess in the 911 call there was a mix up cause I told the operator I slapped her she wont let me out of the house and etc. So when the cops came they didnt really know what was going on but they said it wasnt their problem and that they would only do somthing about it if there was a domestic or somebody wanted to beat somone so then that's when I was like well I already hit her so I got arrested obviously but in the car when they were talking to me and I was telling them how she is they said "that's how lady's are my wife is like that" so all they didnt was justify her because she is a female". I'm not saying I was right for slapping but the cops dont do nothing about anything in today's world unless "they have a problem" they dont prevent problems. So we got the no contact order dropped after 2 months cause it was my first offense we were gonna try maybe working things out. What the problem is nothing is being worked out she still doing the same stuff and not trying to change. So I told her last month I'm not staying much longer I actually tried to leave an she refused to let me get my clothes out of my dresser and etc. So what stunt did she pulled now. We aren't on a lease anymore as of like 8 months ago. So she told the landlord last week that we are moving out so we have no choice but to move out. Why would she do this because if I rent out another apartment I would be on another lease meaning I cant just leave. So i have decided to act like I'm not interested in apartments atm so we are renting a hotel for 2 months in another city. So I planning on telling the cops in that area the situation that the relationship isnt getting better. I have evidence on my phone from the beginning of the relationship up until now that she likes to harass me and be in control. Yesterday she was rambling on accusing me of doing things I havent done. And then she was like last time somone did something to me I gave them a black eye and I didnt say anything it was better off that way cause if I did it wouldnt have came off the right way, shes just trying to boil my buttons. I havent gave into nothing she has been doing since I have been back. The teacher in my domestic class said to somone else in a similar situation that you can get a restraining order, but that most lawyers wouldnt advise it cause it might escalate the case she has on me if I had a no contact with her. I'm still thinking of what to do since nothing is working out. I know that I cant take it into my own hands this time because that's not how the problem is solved.
  5. Here’s the consolidated version of my situation. My BF & I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship is marriage bound, I have a great relationship with his kids & will sometimes stay the night when they are there. My boyfriends mother doesn’t like this, she feels it’s morally wrong & says he needs to set a better example for his kids. She’s threatened to stop helping him out with the kids if I continue to stay at all (she helps with taking/picking up the kids from school on days his work schedule isn’t conducive for him to do so himself). Needless to say he needs the help so it’s put him in between a rock & a hard place. However neither of us are happy at all about her using her offer for assistance as leverage to control something in our relationship. I’m extremely displeased as I don’t need her feeling she can control any aspect of our relationship that doesn’t align with her own personal beliefs. I’m not a fan of coercive behavior which is what this is. My boyfriend has spoken with her and expressed his disagreement with this, but it was useless. I’m at a loss as to how we deal with this further so she’s aware we aren’t interested in her feeling she can dictate our relationship as well as setting boundaries & make it clear I’ll stay the night without her saying otherwise. It’s a need to tread lightly subject as he doesn’t want to jeopardize the help with the kids, but also doesn’t want to have to conform to her wishes. Quite honestly he’s an adult and no one, mother or not should be dictating how he does anything, lives his life to include how he parents. I feel like I’m 16 years old again being told you can’t do this....
  6. My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he wanted to find himself (since he had depression and his grades were suffering), that he didn’t think i deserved being on the backburner, that i was still his favorite person but he wanted to be alone for a while. We were really happy together and invested a lot into each other and our relationship lasted a year. We’ve started texting each other little by little again after no contact for 3/4 weeks, and had a very short meetup to exchange items, but haven’t had the chance to really bond or hang out. I’ve been asking to meet up for lunch but always catch him on days when he’s truly busy. I want to give him his space, but i’ve been seeing him walk and chat between classes with another girl lately. It’s just harmless walking, and he’s always had platonic female friends, but i’m forced to see it every day and it makes me stomach cave in every time because he’s always smiling with her, yet we’re barely talking. I’ve been having nightmares about him “cheating” on me with random girls in our school and it’s interfering with my sleep, but it’s not something i can control. I haven’t mentioned anything to him and i’ve been keeping it to myself, but it’s hurting me every day. I try to think about other things and i’ve been talking to new people and keeping myself occupied, but when it lingers as a physical discomfort or when it attacks in my sleep i can’t control it. Should i meet up with him and casually mention it to him, or have a friend mention it? I know he’s a really good guy at heart and I want to trust him, and it’s not my job to interfere with his interactions with others, but when it hurts my every day and night i’d like him to at least be more wary of what he’s doing. however, i want to get back together with him. We’ve always had great chemistry and been incredibly happy together, and we’ve invested so much into each other. I know both of us need time for ourselves, but i want to be “together apart”. Should i meet up with him in person and talk to him about it? or try to slowly get back into each other’s lives again? i know the break up hurt him really badly too, even though i was the one being dumped. i just don’t know if he thinks we should take a little space for ourselves or move on to other people forever. i’m scared that confrontation like this will make him associate me with stress and drama, when really i just want us to go back to when we were happy together again. Although i respect what he needs from this breakup, and i need to focus on myself too, I feel like destroying our relationship despite being so happy together is not necessary to accomplish it. Should I confront him about these things (casually and in a non accusatory way) or let it sit with myself and try to become closer again but by bit?
  7. My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.) I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly. When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts. I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?
  8. met this guy at uni. The first few days were a little bit weird because he would text me all day non-stop. I got used to it and I started liking him. As soon as it happened he started taking more time to respond to my texts. He’d come back saying “sorry I was eating dinner” or “sorry I didn’t get back to to you I was doing X thing”. He is super sweet in person and he told me he liked me, he even did a Spotify list with my name on it with all the songs I recommended him. I don’t know why I start thinking so much and start getting so paranoid just because he takes more time to get back to me via WhatsApp. In person he is caring, but I really hate that he sees my texts but decides to ignore them and reply just when he feels like it. I know I’m guilty of doing it but I can’t stand when somebody else does it to me. So, I started wondering ... why is he taking more time now than before?? I started being paranoid and I straight up asked him! He told me that it’s not on purpose, he apologized like 100x times, and said he feels really bad for the delays, that he is studying now, that he had much more time before so that’s why he would message me all the time but now he’s busy with uni. I totally get him because it’s happenin to me too, but I feel like he took more time for me before. At the same time he told me he apologizes and in such a cute way, that I was like awwww I’m overreacting. And I really wanna stop being so obsessive and possessive with people I’m dating. How can achieve this? I really want this guy to be my boyfriend: he shows me that he wants to be with me and Is sosososo sweet (he listens to the same music as I do, and has a lovely and mature personality) but social media is making me go crazy. It’s like you see that he’s ignoring you when you see him “online” and doesn’t enter the chat. Today for example he did that and I told him “stop ignoring meeeeee” (he used to do that when he met me so I was like okay, if I do it once there is nothing wrong) - and he told me “I’m sorry I was cooking and arranging a meeting with the guys to study Android” (we study computer science) so that’s why he was online and not replying to me. Agh I wanna stop being so needy and stop feeling anxious about things I can’t control. At the end of the day, I can’t control what other people feel/ think of me. I want to know, how do you manage this texting thing? I really want to know, people of Reddit with partners, how do you manage when your partner is “online” but doesn’t see your texts? I want to lower the importance I give to text messaging but I find it so hard. I’ve never been in a relationship before so I don’t know how it works. I know the other person is another person and has a life besides me, but idk what to think about this. Please help me give me advice
  9. I apologize in advance for the long post but I am at my wits end and don’t know where to turn. I need opinions, thoughts, etc. Your spouse/significant other operates a business at home...well, on the same property. Because of this, a lot of people stop by to bring work, ask questions, or just to chat if they see someone outside. Completely normal if you ask me. One person starts coming over every day. Out of the last 13 days, this person has been there 12 of them. It doesn’t matter if it’s 8 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 9 at night, or 2am. No text, no call, just shows up. When this person comes over, your significant other often drops everything that they need to be doing - whether it’s an important job they are working on, spending couples time, or anything in between. This person also pretty much does whatever they want, which usually ends up costing more time to clean up the mess that is left. When you ask for quality time with your significant other (bc you rarely get it unless you practically beg), you are told that you’re keeping them from their work, told that you must not care about them since you want to keep them from making money but if you offer to go out to their shop to help them so you can also spend time with them, you are told that you don’t need to be out there bc their friends don’t like it (even though it never used to be an issue). Anytime I say anything, I am told to stop ing and to stop trying to be in control. I don’t feel I’m trying to be in control, but I also feel that there should be limits and boundaries. I feel like I should be able to be comfortable in our home and I feel like I should have some level of authority in our home. I feel like my feelings should matter. I feel like our relationship should be a priority once in a while and I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m single every day. I don’t feel like our relationship, finances, future plans, etc should be discussed in detail with other people. Mind you, I have overheard him bashing me to his friends, I have heard his friends say horrible things about me and he does not defend me. After having my feelings repeatedly disregarded, I have become very angry and started lashing out. Each time we argue and he does something that he knows will bother me (walk away while I’m talking, interrupt me, smiles or laughs at the situation, takes off in his truck and will be gone anywhere from 2-12 hours while refusing to answer texts or calls [i do not have a vehicle so I have no options but to sit at home and wait for him to come back], I have begun reacting in a way that isn’t me at all. I have thrown things, kicked the door, knocked things over, etc. It makes him extremely angry when I react this way, which he says makes him want to do things I don’t like even more. It has now escalated to physical violence where he has left bruises on my head/face, around my neck, on my arms and legs. Desperately needing thoughts, opinions, suggestions. Am I as wrong about this as he says I am? Am I just looking for a reason to complain like he says? Or do I have valid reasons to be upset, aggravated, and have hurt feelings? Please be honest
  10. Hi im 24 year old lesbian and my girlfriend is 24 and I get jealous everytime she messaging on her phone and i accidentally logged into her snapchat account and blocked people from talking to her
  11. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 13 months (21m, 19f) and we seem to fight a lot, she has always wanted control and if I ever stand up to it she claims that she doesn’t love herself and she hates herself because of what I have done in the past - she saw me looking up other girls on Instagram- it did really hurt her feelings so I did what I could but that was at the beginning of the relationship and I feel like now it is getting out of hand and I don’t have any freedom. On any major event (friends birthday parties, public holiday etc.) she will always start a fight over something, I am very relaxed and easy going and she is the opposite so I think that’s why these fights happen. A part of me thinks I should end things but I’m too scared, I don’t know how she will react and if she will harm herself in any way (she has mentioned this during a big fight that she feels the need to, but I have brought it up another time and she said she would never). When we are happy, it is always a really good time but I still lack the freedom. She doesn’t have her drivers license and is still young and growing up so I’m not sure if I wait it out and hopefully when her life is together a bit more I will be happy with her, or if I leave her. Thanks and sorry for the long message!
  12. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months and she is sometimes controlling and tells me what I can and can’t do, I’m usually very happy with her but I always feel like no matter what I do she will find a way to be upset by it, she doesn’t like comprise and she has threatened to break up with me multiple times. Am I in the wrong and should I do what she tells me to do, or will we not be able to work out? Thank you
  13. Wanted to make her aware that she has the power, and remove some from her dad who she lives with. Told her she's at the age she can decide she wants to live with me. I don't really think she would which I mentioned as well. But she would have to go to court to make the change. Anyway, instead of feeling weak like I was feeling it gives me a sense of control too. I told her it would be a huge change, but she has said she wondered what she'd be like if she grew up with me instead. So I basically let her know she could change if she wanted. I'm frustrated with his neglectful attitude. She had on crocks no socks no winter coat. It's 8 degrees today. She says she owns a winter coat just didn't think she'd need it. I was like are you sure? Do you need me to buy you one? She said no. She keeps saying no and I don't know her size anymore. I am really want to buy her shoes and clothes. I said why did your parents let you leave like this? Of course she doesn't know. But that was frustration talking. I almost took a picture.
  14. Hey everyone. So I went on a second date with a guy I met at work. He’s very nice, kind, chatty and already told me he likes me a lot. Our first date was lunch in a cute restaurant, which all went well, so we arranged a second date for dinner out. On this second date, he gave off a few strange vibes which I would call a little controlling. I’m just interested in other peoples’ opinions - if he’s a little controlling now, will this continue? Basically, he undid his own napkin and then reached across and undid MY napkin. That’s alright, and quite polite or thoughtful, I guess. But then, part way through the meal, he moved the pots of sauce that I was using so that they were more lined up (a little OCD?) and then, at one point, I’d put my napkin on the table next to my empty plate, and he reached over and moved it further onto the table! I thought to myself... I’m an independent woman and I can move a napkin myself! It was all a bit weird. Anyone got any thoughts? Thanks! Lou x
  15. ll you can do is ask. I have asked him to remove pictures of us on social media. I told him that I do not want to be associated with him and would appreciate it if he removed my pictures. I do not want to become part of his collection. If someone told me to remove their pictures then I would do it. Pronto. He refuses. Well okay. Nothing I can do. My bad. It’s a petty thing, moving on. No harm in asking. I will deal with it and move on. My question; is there something wrong with a person who refuses to take down your pictures when you ask them to? Exerting some kind of control? Or should I just eat ice cream and forget about such a petty ‘Sinfeld-esq’ moment?
  16. My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We have had his and downs but always end up stronger than ever. Anyway, last 2 years have been great. No arguments or anything. He had completely stopped being how he was (selfish, self centred,etc) and actually put us first. Then he gets a new job. I am behind him cheering him on in his success. I have met his co workers and they are "lads". Now he's at the pub all the time, etc. Now I don't care that he's going out but he had this lads weekend booked and was leaving first thing Friday. So Thursday we were relaxing laughing etc then he gets a text they're at the pub so he dashes out. Needless to say I didn't see him until he was back on the Monday. I was fuming about him just up and leaving at the drop of a text so didn't answer his calls Friday to avoid an argument. He stopped calling and I thought it's fine I'll see him Monday. Get home for. Work on Monday and he's in bed. I ended up at my mum's for 2 nights. I text him to talk Wednesday and we agreed to meet. I go home he's not there he's in the pub. Ended up seeing him he said he went to avoid an argument. He's adamant it's all me being silly and trying to control him. It's not I just think he should try to balance it and not put us second. He's annoyed I didn't call him over the weekend which I understand but if I had he would of just said I was trying to ruin it. Now he's got another trip planned Friday to Monday when we are going on holiday on Monday evening. He's kicking off that again I'm controlling and there's nothing I can do to stop him. I don't know what to do in just over a week our relationship went from fantastic and all I could want to not knowing if we will actually make it. Oh and I found loads of weird videos and photos his friends sent him of girls which his response was it's a group chat he can't control it. He doesn't say anything crude or wrong in the group chat but I can't help thinking who is this boy and where had the love of my life gone?? Help and advice needed!
  17. Disjointed thoughts, rambles and some cliches in the middle: Many years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship. It was a few years during my most formative years that took decades out of me. This person degraded me on many levels and I went through hell. My closest friends and family know parts of the story, but what I think no one really knows was that I forgave what this person did to me (on an emotional level, not on a "lets get back together/lets talk" level I blocked and deleted this person from my life ever since and don't want to ever interact with them as I know he's toxic not only to me but to everybody. It's not important to me that he knows that I've moved on from the pain and don't hate him) much quicker than I forgave myself. What is there to forgive? There is the pain and sometimes "shame" of our choices to be with that person and not having self respect, it's the pain I caused to my family and friends with how self absorbed I was and how I treated them. It also took me a long time (and I'm still on my way) to forgive other things that came after when I took I deep look at myself. I had times in my life where I was selfish, self absorbed, had victim mentality and was even manipulative towards other people to get what I wanted. No, I don't consider myself abusive nor have I used people for material purposes, BUT I used people to feel validated. I used people to get attention. I helped people expecting something in return from them (love, attention, validation) instead of being truly selfless. I did things that weren't honest to myself just to put on an image. I fished for compliments. I strung people along just because I wanted to feel loved. I used my past (the abuse and other things that happened) to justify some of my bad actions or to play the victim expected to be coddled and excused. I was toxic to myself, I hurt myself, I didn't respect myself. I'm not proud. I many times didn't value the people who really valued me and were there for me, because I wanted to get love and attention from other sources. I "used" people to either fulfil my self prophecies and prove my "woo me" points or to re-enact situations of my past and try to rectify them in the present with people who had nothing to do with it and were unaware that they were "re-enactments" to me. I blamed people for not corresponding to my expectations or to not treat me as I wanted them to treat me. I blamed others for my shortcomings. I was immature pretending I was mature. I guilt tripped people on some level. I pretended to me a certain way expecting to please people. I was (and still fight not to be) a people pleaser not because I'm genuinely nice, but because I wanted people to like me. I wasn't following my truth many times. My path to become a better person had (and has) many twists and turns. Of course much of this I did unconsciously of what I was doing and it was things that I did over the years. But taking conscious of our actions and specially, our true intentions behind our actions is a brutal process. It's painful to see yourself for real, the beautiful and the damaged. I didn't know better, or even when I knew, I didn't have the strength to do better. But when we go through that process we gain great power... the power of truly gaining control over ourselves and our actions. But "with great power comes great responsibility" they say. And it comes... because now we really have to put thought into our true intentions and it hurts on a deeper level when we fall back to these patterns or when we don't act truthfully. Conscience hurts but at the same sets us free. It's brutal... it's uncomfortable. And only more recently I truly began to forgive myself and to try to be a better person just for the sake of being a better person and not because I want to SHOW I'm a better person or make people like me. Something that the user catfeed wrote in one of my threads struck me forever. It was about not letting the "hurt/traumatised child" of our past take control of our adult self. Regaining our control and truly take responsibility. It took a while to put it into practice. It takes effort and sometimes I slip. Forgiving is hard and even if we can't right now it's ok, it takes its time. We're all on different paths with different obstacles and lots of ups and downs. It's ok not having done better or known better in the past. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to try many times until we get it right. It's ok to have twists and turns along the way. It's ok if what was important in the past is not important anymore. It's ok if it hurts too much right now. It's ok not to be perfect and realising that opens our heart to true compassion for others and their struggles. You already got here, whatever "here" is for you... and that's amazing. We cannot change what happened in the past, only what we do with it. Never think you "got there", we're always evolving, but also realise that sometimes you've got much further than you thought. Every repetition of our patterns is a chance to learn the lesson, to see the same core situation through different perspectives, to do what we know best to get to the next. Do I always practice what I preach? Not always, but my goal is to do so more and more. One of my favourite movie quotes is "There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path" (Matrix)... it hits me because more and more that's my life mission. I want to truly be more genuine day by day and to forgive myself little by little.
  18. I met a guy about 9 months ago online. He came off from the start as different in that he wasn't trying to be slick... just a regular guy. We texted, had a few calls, and then went out after a few weeks. It was a nice dinner date. We talked a lot and kissed a little afterwards. He's not a big talker but said he talked more with me than he normally did. He asked to go out again before the end of the night. He was not a heavy texter but remained consistent. After the first date he had an unexpected surgery. We didn't go out again for almost 6 weeks, but again, we kept regular contact. I could tell he was into me. I liked him but it wasn't until the 2nd date did that switch flip to where I realized I was quite taken with him. We started going out after the 2nd date on a more regular basis. We live about an hour drive apart, he has full custody of his two kids, and works quite a bit. It wasn't easy but I was okay with steady and slow and respecting boundaries with his kids and his time away from them. I told him I was open to meeting them but that was his decision. A few months after we started going out on a more regular basis, he expressed wanting to see each other more, brought up going on a getaway together, and introducing his kids. He brought these things up the next day as well without provocation from me so I figured it wasn't him just being unaware of what he was saying in a moment. I thought meeting his kids would make things easier and hopefully would have been the step towards moving things along with some integration. We didn't see each other for over 3 weeks after that. This concerned me but I was picking up on his mother (watches his kids) giving him a hard time, guilting, and possibly threatening to withdraw help for any attempts he made to pursue a personal life in that he was harming his kids. I think she has him over a barrel in that there is no ex involvement to share parental responsibilities and he isn't the type to expose them to just anyone in order to have someone play mommy for his convenience. I didn't question him on it other than a general surface question or two. I didn't want to embarrass him by highlighting things if his mom did have control over a part of his life. I understand the help she provides is critical and more than he could get from a regular babysitter but he also pays her for doing it. I'm also not trying to diminish her role or say he should have shirked responsibilities to see me. I was okay with getting together 2-4 times a month and giving it time to grow. We got together twice in one week after that gap. He had gone out on a limb to make it happen with sitter arrangements (wrath of his mother) and his work schedule. The last thing he brought up before I left his house the last time I was there was bringing his kids to my place soon. I hadn't said a word about that. In fact, he brought that up several times of his own accord since first mentioning it. Each time he did bring it up I said it would be great and they were welcome. I don't know precisely how much his mother was aware of other than he was attempting to pursue a personal life and she didn't like the idea of it. I had not met her but there was an opportunity for her to have seen us the last time him and I were together...confirming any suspicions she had for what he was doing. He seemed distant via text that week and then he just stopped. I tried contacting him and he didn't reply. It's been several months now. I realize people ghost and it never makes sense to you when you are the one ghosted. Maybe I just can't accept it but knowing he isn't the player type (i.e. respectful of my timing for becoming intimate and not pulling back after that became part of the relationship) and how cautious he is - his words and actions didn't match with him deciding to end things just because he wasn't into it. I don't think there was anyone else either. Some things I've checked up on since then also don't indicate anyone else. I'm not pining away waiting. I've picked up on my life but there is still this empty spot. It's more as if it's a sense of him having needed to get his life together, deal with family relationships, and then he will be back. I swear, I realize how delusional it can sound to justify ghosting by basing it on a controlling mother or believing he didn't know how to say things so he said nothing. I know the bottom line is he left me hanging. I can't shake it though. It's like a calm "knowing" vs wishing he will be back regardless of the current situation. I know people generally toss out the attitude that ghosters are losers and no reason justifies doing that, they were only using you, and you shouldn't entertain any reason they may have. Normally, I'd agree since disappearing is usually done after a date or two or sex and it can be reasonably deduced the ghoster wasn't all that interested to begin with. I don't see this as being quite the same or a reflection of me having some cliché low self esteem issue. This is actually about being confident he was genuine about his feelings for me despite the circumstances. Anyway, I may be wrong he'll be back but just in case I'm not - would the reason for ghosting matter to you?
  19. My boyfriend cheated on me after getting super drunk on a night out last year. We broke up for a few months and recently got back together. I however can't help but feel super anxious whenever he goes drinking and clubbing now. I don't want to control his social life, but I can't help feeling the way I do. He expects me to just trust him, telling me the way he feels towards me now is a lot stronger than it was then. He is out at a club tonight, and I'm here awake overthinking. We are also moving in together at University in a couple weeks, and I am worried he might cheat again. Any advice on how to deal with this? Thank you in advance :)
  20. Hi me and my girlfriend have a healthy relationship. There is one issue that has been bothering me though. Her wardrobe consists of a lot of dresses and skirts. She wears underwear that has little coverage. It seems she is constantly flashing her crotch or ass without noticing, whether it be the way she sits, walking upstairs, the wind, etc. It makes me very uncomfortable that my friends are getting looks at my gf. Sometimes she even wears baggy pajama shorts with no underwear when other guys are around. And all that’s on my mind is when her vag is going to pop out. I truly think she's oblivious to this flashing. Now i should have said something way earlier, but I've kept quiet. I'm out of town for a couple weeks, and she's often hanging out with my friends without me, which I'm ok with. The thing I worry about is if she's constantly accidentally exposing herself. I have to address this to her over video call because now it's eating away at me and I can't take it anymore. But I'm not sure if this is going to make me look bad or controlling. Basically what I'm going to say is "I'm not sure if you realize what you expose sometimes" and that it makes me uncomfortable. I will not dare try to tell her what to wear. Do you think this will backlash? Should I not say anything? Or wait til I get back? This is basically all I can think about as I'm out of town with nothing to do. Feel free to call me crazy if I'm out of hand.
  21. FYI this isn’t a current conflict, it is a drama I had with an ex that I was wondering about. Background info: I had been in a relationship with a guy for a couple of months, he would come and see me every few weeks at my house. He would stay for one or two nights and bring enough bags to hold clothes for a fortnights holiday and leave them in the way lying around my place whilst he was here. I had told him there was no need for him to bring so much stuff and just bring what he needed for the weekend so I didn’t have his bags of stuff lying around taking up space. This was an ongoing issue. He once told me I should buy some squirty hand soap for my house. I told him I don’t use it so I’m not getting any as it’s just clutter to sit on my sink. He said he would buy some for my house, again I told him I don’t want any so don’t bother as I would throw it away as I don’t want clutter. The next time he stayed over I woke up to find he had put squirty soap dispensers in my bathroom and kitchen. This caused an argument, I felt disrespected and that he felt he could come in my house and do whatever he wanted without my say so. I told him I don’t want the soaps and he can take them home with him to use there. He started making a big scene about how he needed them so I should just let him have them there. He only came over once in a blue moon!!!! I told him if he didn’t take them I would throw them away and that I had already told him he brought too much unecessary stuff and it was out of order for him to go against my wishes. I think he walked off threatening to break up with me (this became a common theme). So what I’m wondering is, was he disrespectful and rude? How would you have responded in a similar situation? I felt like this person I barely knew, who hardly ever made time for me, thought they could come into my house and treat it like they had control of it and entirely disregard my feelings and wishes. Was I being melodramatic or was it out of line for him to do so?
  22. My ex boyfriend dumped me a month ago now and i cant seem to move on. We blocked each other on everything but i dont know i cant control myself after a few days of fighting it i end up using another number to message him.. i know we are never gonna work because he cant trust me. He always accuse me of something that i havent even done. In my head all i want is prove to him that he was wrong all this time i been loyal to him..i really do love him and i want him back but i know it wont work. Please help me its like im going mental thinking of him everyday and some days i just had break down..
  23. Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21) have been dating for just over 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. We have relationship problems recently because I am super controlling and he has a bad temper. Until a week ago we kept on saying that we were willing to work through the problems together and in the past few months we have each improved upon our issues. About a week ago he met this girl at college who has many common interests with him and he told me a lot about her. He then went on to tell me how somtimes it is appealing to just leave me and start over and it did appear that he had a "crush" on her. We had about a 5 hour mature conversation about this and he decided that in fact he knew nothing about her and it just sounded appealing because we were having so many issues. I said that if things are to work out between us he needed to let the girl know that he was in a relationship and I did make it clear I was not a fan of them texting a lot. So he told her and it turns out that she is in a relationship too. After that he thought about things for a few days and then disccused with me how staring over sounded really appealing but how he wants to dedicate himself to improving himself and our relationship. I asked him about his feelings towards the girl and he said that it was just a thought but he has no feelings for her and just wants more friends (he has almost no friends). Yesterday he told me that he was going to pick her up at 5:30 in the morning and go on a hike with her in this really secluded area that I really love hiking. I feel really hurt but when I tried to talk about it with him he said that I was being controlling and there was no reason to be jealous and that I just trust him. Since I have been working on my controlling behaviour I feel that there is not much room for me to even suggest he not see her alone.
  24. Hi all, So a couple weeks ago my ex basically just got her uni friend (a guy) to pick her up and not seen her since. She lost her licence to drink driving. It was a very toxic/coercive control relationship from her. Insulting me, what I wore, saying I have no friends, my family hate me. Would split with me briefly and one time tell me she slept with someone and how he ed her real good. That hurt so bad. She's an alcoholic but doesn't think she is, has depression and bad anxiety. Craves attention from guys. Needs so much love due to not a great childhood. Would threaten to kill herself. Always rung and text asking where I was what I was doing, who I was with etc. You get the picture. Hit me many times. 4-5 weeks ago we were coming home. She starts beating me in the head. I stopped and asked her at least 5 times to get out the car. She wouldn't. I gave her a gentle nudge and she fell to ground. In the panic/stress/worry of what had just happened I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee. Of course I felt awful. But she's made me out to be some sort of woman beater. Has threatened and blackmailed me with the police about it. And recently has reported it. I was taken to police station which was scary as never been in trouble before. This was nearly two weeks ago now. Not heard anymore. I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed I won't. And maybe cause she realises I've got plenty of stuff, with evidence on her. Does anyone have any comforting words. Life been a bit crap lately! Having therapy for this whole ordeal which is helping. Stupidly still miss her loads but apparently that's normal. Were engaged last year. Want to contact her, but I'd hazard a guess that's what she's probably wanting to happen? Thanks, Matt
  25. I've been working in a small private organization for a year and a half. This January I realized I'm attracted to my boss and although I try to control it and not to think about it much, my attraction doesn't go away. There is a mutual understanding and sympathy between us, and I know he likes me as a person and probably also as a woman, because I catch him staring at me several times. But he is married so there is a big NO for me. He is very smart, open, kind and warm person, I would say he is also good looking (though he is not a typical handsome man) and when I see him, I feel almost happy. He always smiles when he sees me and is usually excited. the thing is that sometimes I feel like I will burn because of the attraction. Last time we were discussing and reading some papers in his office, sitting side by side on the arm chairs and I was so excited that I couldn't concentrate well. When I was leaving his office, he stand up beside me to read something in the papers I was holding. He was standing only about 5 cm away from me so I could feel the warm of his body and again - I couldn't concentrate and I felt like burning. I dont know if he knows I feel such a strong attraction to him, but I also realized that I'm sad when I don't see him at work. I would like to stop this attraction, because I feel like it's getting out of my control. Do you have some tips for what to do, please? PS: I cannot leave the job -1) it's a very good job and 2) im currently working on a project that cannot be stopped
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